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5PM Yeah, Let Me Add That to Original Sin and Slavery
Psycho parent: Look, you're not in his resource time, so he can't get help from you then.
Teacher: Yes, well, I'm teaching another class, so I can't be there.
Psycho parent: I know it's not your fault, but don't you feel like you should take some responsibility for that?
High school
Sterling, Virginia
4PM I Need It to Take My Mood Elevators
Cube rat #1: Um... Where'd they put the fridge that was here?
Cube rat #2: I don't know, but I had juice in there. With vodka in it.
63rd Street and Broadway
New York, New York
3PM On the Plus Side, Absenteeism Is Way Down
Boss: The body bags take up a lot of room.
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: P
2PM Boss Won't Let Me Have a Life-Size Picture
Office lady: Is that one of them giant squids?
PR guy: Yeah.
Office lady: Aren't those huge?
PR guy: Yep.
Washington State University
Pullman, Washington
Overheard by: Pamela
1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.
Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Zoos
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Translation: I Would Kill to See You in Shorts
Worker bee: Are you new here?
Temp: Oh, I'm just temping.
Worker bee: Do you like it?
Temp: Yeah, I'm really enjoying it here.
Worker bee: It's so casual.
Temp: Yeah, I'm glad I can just wear jeans.
Worker bee: You could wear shorts if you wanted. I mean, I don't know if you wear shorts, but people here do, so you totally could. If you wanted.
6300 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Nick Lachey Was in the Bee Gees
40-ish supervisor: You're listening to the Bee Gees? Wasn't Leif Garrett in the Bee Gees?
20-ish employee #1: All I know is that someone in the group committed suicide.
20-ish employee #2: No, Leif Garrett was in the Beatles.
1241 Dyer Road
Santa Ana, California
9AM Do You Need an Epipen?
Marketing guy: If 20 characters is the limit for a line, why is it wrapping?
Patient web developer: I used a fake string and we changed the font since then -- some letters are wider than others, so I have some work to do to get it to fit.
Marketing guy: Hmmm... I like it saying 'System Requirements' versus just 'Requirements.'
Patient web developer: ... How many characters is in 'System Requirements'?
Marketing guy: Nineteen characters, including the blank space between the words.
Patient web developer: Right.
Marketing guy: So, how much would that jack with things to be able to fit 19 characters on a line?
Patient web developer: Dude, c'mon. If 20 fits, then 19 will fit.
Marketing guy: That seems like some advanced math to me.
Patient web developer: Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to get all math-y on you.
2550 SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Snotted My Water
5PM Doesn't Seem to Help the Itching Much
Worker bee on phone: Isn't your husband anointed? Well, why don't you just have him lay hands on you, then?
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM High Fructose Corn Syrup Comin' at Ya!
Employee #1: Dude, are those the organic ones?
Employee #2, pelting others with jelly beans: No, that's why I'm throwing them.
Organic health food store
Houston, Texas
3PM We Could Call It the Swoosh Command, Sir
IT manager: You know, every application needs a command like that: 'File, just do it.'
West 3rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Usually That's a Line I Reserve for the Massage Parlor
Ethics professor: So, if Mr. Wiener, some new lawyer, imputed his conflict to the firm, you're going to have a lot of unhappy lawyers. They'll be like, 'You suck, Wiener!' ... Oh, God, did I just say that?
Malibu, California
Overheard by: ktmonster
1PM Say Her Keyboard's Emoticonstipated
E-mail admin: I am not taking a trouble ticket where she says, 'I meant to send a smiley face but instead sent a frowny face.'
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Except for Michael Jackson
Lady peon with eye patch: Yeah... Once you go black, you never go back.
45th Avenue and Vermont Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: WOW
11AM Still Upset about the Caulking Incident
PC tech: How's your wife?
Printer tech: Pretty good. I tried to give her a massage last night, but she said that I couldn't.
PC tech: Why? My girl loves massages.
Printer tech: She said that I'll just end up filling up a hole, and she wasn't in the mood.
West Palm Beach, Florida
10AM Listening Is the Critical Skill in Sales
Customer: Do you carry mattresses? [Sales woman looks confused.] Mattresses... Beds... Can you tell me where those are?
Sales woman, pointing at elevators: Oh, yes, right over there.
Customer, speaking slowly: No, I said, 'Where are the mattresses?' The beds... What floor?
Sales woman: Oh, I don't think we carry those. I thought you said 'elevator.'
Department store, Paramus Mall
Nyack, New York
Overheard by: RobynPuff79
9AM Sheer Force of Will
Geriatric waitress: Hi, how y'all doin'?
College guy: Great. You?
Geriatric waitress: Ehhh, I'm a little stoned. Gotta do something to put up with these drunk assholes and teenagers.
College guy: Sweet.
Geriatric waitress: You kids like Michael Jackson? Heard he was touring again.
College girl: Oh, yeah! I heard about that. I'm pretty stoked.
Geriatric waitress: Me, too! I loved his music. But geez, how can a gorgeous black man turn into an ugly and scary-lookin' white girl?
Pancake place, Cherry Hill Road
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: High On Life
5PM You Can See the Blue Screen of Death behind Her Eyes
Office wench: I ordered those things you wanted!
Boss: Did you?
Office wench: I think...
Boss: Thanks.
513 Progress Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: cubical dweller
4PM Godless Liberal Pacifists That They Are
Office girl #1 while watching the patriots vs colts game: Who are you rooting for?
Office girl #2: New England.
Office girl #1: Hey, where is New England, anyway?
Office girl #2: Ummm, it's a region up North.
Office girl #1: Oh, I knew it was in Canada somewhere!
Woodbridge, Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
3PM Measuring Out My Life with Coffee Spoons
Peon: No, thank you. I consider scrapbooking to be a gateway activity. The next thing you know, I'll be going to Tupperware or candle parties.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM All the Movie Stars Are Doing That Now
Female coworker: First of all, 6:30 is not after work, and second of all, there is nothing wrong with going to your hair appointment shit-faced!
851 Coho Way
Bellingham, Washington
1PM And the Pants
Voice from conference room: Give me back my shirt!
Large law firm
New York, New York
12PM But the Horrified Looks on My Kids' Faces Always Set Me Straight
Sales guy: My daughter had a book when she was little called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: ... Huh?
Sales guy: She had a book called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: I thought that was one of your porn movies...
Sales guy: Well, it might be that, too. Porn and children's books... I get them confused.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Then He'd Play with Them in His Crib
Disgruntled boy: ... And they put the birth control education flyer up on my locker! My locker! I'm pretty sure that violates--
Overeager Spanish teacher, popping up from behind desk: --Oh! Oh! My mother used to put condoms under my brother's pillow! We all called her the 'Birth Control Fairy'!
High school
Livingston, Montana
Overheard by: Finally appreciates the tooth fairy
10AM The Correct Answer Is "Not at All"
Excited peon #1: Hey, did you know that Anna Nicole Smith died, like, months ago?!
Excited peon #2: Wow! Really? She's the one that lost all that weight, right?
Excited peon #1: Yeah! How'd you like to be the medical examiner doing that autopsy?
480 Washington Boulevard
New Jersey
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
2PM Like a Seizure That Ends in Conversation
Coworker #1: Who's ringing?
Coworker #2: Not me. I vibrate.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM My Hard Drive's Been Zionized
Bored tech guy: Can I help you?
Bimbette: Yeah, um, I need an update on my anti-Semitic virus program.
Bored tech guy: You mean 'Symantec'?
Bimbette: Yeah, that's what I said -- anti-Semitic.
Quinnipiac University
Hamden, Connecticut
12PM They're Considering Sacking Us
Peon: I can't believe they're having us do this even though we're the low men on the scrotum pole!
Times Square
New York, New York
11AM Why People Leave the Midwest
Outraged copywriter: I think it's time for lefties to conform and make check marks like the rest of us.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: righty and proud of it
10AM What Else Is Available in the Nation's Capital?
Customer: ... And it's Miss Jameson*, not 'missus.' Why does everyone always assume you're married to some asshole?
801 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
5PM He Used to Say "Sausage," but That Led to Trouble
Conductor: Tickets, please... Or in lieu of tickets, breakfast sandwiches will be accepted.
Chicago-bound commuter train
Overheard by: Pirate Alice
4PM His Death Was Ruled a Justifiable Homicide
Cube rat to neighbor: I think it's worth six million dollars. Wait, I didn't write six million, I wrote six thousand... Or is that your writing? ... Oh, that's the square footage... Duh...
1477 Lansdowne Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: slacker
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
12PM But Being a Western State Is So Much Cooler
Secretary: Do you think Texas is a southern state?
Wise woman: I guess.
Secretary: It is the furthest south you can go.
2200 Neal Street
Commerce, Texas
Overheard by: Gibby
11AM A Rip in the Space-Time Continuum? Very Bad.
Suit #1: Hey, Jeff*, has there ever been a Friday-the-13th on a Monday?
Suit #2: Uh...
Suit #1: Man, that would be the worst day ever.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM So, in Summary, I'm Sorry about Your Desk
Male coworker: The first time I shit in school was in eleventh grade. It was during Chemistry, after gym class. It was on that day I became a man. Since then I'll shit anywhere, basically.
1372 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: ILmatic
9AM Questions?
Manager: ... And that's why junkies are attractive.
1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Django
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