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5PM The Shareholders Are Rolling Over and Falling Asleep
President of the board: Okay, what else do we have to go over? Are we finished here?
Boss: Yes, I think we've shot our wad.
Washington, DC
4PM ... And Then Flinging Them at Michael Richards
Bulgarian coworker: There is nothing like the joy of opening a can of tomatoes.
13251 Roosevelt Boulevard
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: her accent makes it sound great
3PM ... And The Little Mermaid
Male peon #1: I watched that movie Roadhouse every day for like five years. Literally.
Male peon #2: I was like that with the first Lethal Weapon.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM You Have to Be Able to Engineer As Directed
Engineer: I have a college degree in engineering. I know about these things.
Line lead: Well, I've got a big dick... That doesn't make me a porn star! [Engineer leaves.]
Boat factory
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: i dont want to see that movie
1PM But Don't You Need to Know My Lineage?
Caller: Yes, I would like to confirm my reservation for tonight. My surname is Tango Anglo-Saxon, Newfoundland--
Receptionist: Um, sir, you lost me at 'Tango.' Can I just have the first three letters of your last name?
Kinzie and State Streets
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Only If It's Rubbed with Truffles
Mid-level manager: I didn't know ham could smell fear.
Highland Hills, Ohio
11AM It Really Was All Fun and Games Until He Lost That Eye
Male worker: There's already been a killing over a PlayStation 3.
Female worker who waited in line but didn't get one: Well, at least he got to play it for a while!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Temp
10AM Good to Know the Handshaking Rules -- Thanks!
Lawyer: No, no, men can't touch women, but women can touch men.
Paralegal: Oh, okay. Didn't know.
Lawyer: Yeah, but whatever.
Law office
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Pointless Temp
9AM Um, She's Thirty-Five.
CEO: Oh, that's the guy with the gaggle of kids, right? The ugly ones.
Project coordinator: They're not all ugly! The little one, Erica*, is cute!
CEO: She just hasn't grown into her ugly yet.
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
5PM No, Sir -- Just Invite the Media to Join Us
Executive: I once had to tell a supreme court judge to remove his martini from the canoe. The judge was attending an opening reception of a museum exhibition. He said to me, 'What are you going to do, sue me?'
San Francisco, California
4PM Blamestorming Is a Critical Part of the Planning Process
VP, jokingly: ... And this is the part of the project where we'll assign blame when we have to.
Marketing manager: We're expecting blame?
VP: Oh, sure -- blame is like water: it gets through any cracks and always works its way downwards.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM She'll Do Anything to Boost The Simple Life's Ratings
Salesman: Hello, Nicole*.
Receptionist, collapsing on the floor: Oh my god! I'm throwing myself off the building!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Temporary Receptionist
2PM Like a Play within a Play, but with Much More Poop
Volunteer to another, in giraffe house: You should have been here last night -- it was a total zoo.
Denver Zoo
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Randy Peterman
1PM You Always Manage to Live Down to My Expectations
Boss: You know, every day it gets harder and harder to underestimate you.
Innovation Drive
Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
12PM They've Gone beyond Even a Gentleman's "C"
Heavy male coworker: I really need to go on a diet. My tits are getting way too big.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: thesugarmonster
11AM The Girl Scouts Are All Over It
Chubby peon: I'll eat anything as long as it's a cookie. Even if it's frog-flavored.
Austin, Texas
10AM Really Breaks Up the Monotony of Crying and Feeding My Cat
Pretty bisexual waitress: You've got to have something to look forward to -- one way or the other, I'm getting laid tonight.
Ugly asexual waiter: I know what you mean -- I'm going to have breakfast food for dinner.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM That's the Last Time I Let Uncle Walter Take Me on a Cruise
Newly married office girl: Swallowing is not my idea of a vacation.
Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: these walls are thin
5PM Okay, So Part of That Was in My Head
Professor: A few years ago I had a student ask me for an alternative final because he had scheduled a vacation in Barcelona for the week of the final. I told him, 'Die, yuppie scum! And no.'
Engineering building, UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: Jessica P.
4PM Geez, Don't Be Such an Eyeore.
Bank assistant VP #1: It all comes, said Pooh, of not hiring the right people.
Bank assistant VP #2: Exactly... Wait, did you say 'said Pooh'?
9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
3PM Probably Time for Some New Ones, Anyway
Worker bee: I guess he's a she now. Or again, I guess. Gender pronouns don't really apply, apparently.
3215 Corporate Court
Ellicott City, Maryland
2PM They'll Help Us Whip This Project into Shape
Smart guy: I sent a copy of that e-mail out to the S&M guys, too.
Conference call audience: Okay, sounds good.
Progress Boulevard
Alachua, Florida
Overheard by: Cramped office-mate
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
12PM Uses Perfect Grammar When Speaking to Himself
Employee, after hanging up with client: That was the most stupidest person I have ever spoke to.
44th Street and Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Grammatically Offended Boss
11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?
Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.
2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
10AM But I'm Thinking There Should Be
Office girl on the phone with boyfriend: So, my therapist says that I'm doing a great job. He said I could be the poster girl for mentally ill people who are successful because I take my meds, go to work, have a healthy relationship and stuff, you know? And I was totally flattered and agreeing with him, but then I thought, 'You know, my parents are proud of me and stuff, but they wouldn't want the world knowing I'm psycho, and it would probably embarrass them a little.' So my doctor looks at me and says, 'Um, you know there's not really a poster girl, right?'
214 Lincoln Street
Allston, Massachusetts
9AM Is It Possible Semen Doesn't Cure Gingivitis, Either?
Lady coworker #1 reading a website: Here it says, 'Sleep is the best cure for a headache.'
Lady coworker #2: My boyfriend always says sex is the best cure for a headache... He's lying to me!
University of Münster
Germany
5PM I May Have Given Him One of the Kids
Cube rat: Dude, I got so drunk last night! I ran into this guy I haven't seen in 20 years -- he owns a tow truck. I got so drunk that he put my car on the truck and drove me home!
2300 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Sober but Empathetic
4PM What Do You Mean by "Try"?
CSR: Would you like to try it in your mouth?
4700 River Road
Riverdale, Maryland
3PM It's Hard to Believe This Joke Is Still Funny at a Pizza Place
Customer: Is my pizza ready?
Cashier, yelling: Hey! Is this guy's 12-inch out yet?
Manager, laughing: Did you just say that?!
Cashier, blushing: Oh! Oh my god!
Fort Hood, Texas
Overheard by: can I get one of those?
2PM Probably Why She Has Problems Landing the Plane
CSR #1: She just has a hard time with things, you know? Being deaf and partially blind and all...
CSR #2: Well, that can be hard.
Austin, Texas
1PM Cheney: I Swear, I Go through This Every Day!
Employee #1: I was just printing that thing you asked for!
Employee #2: This isn't what I asked for.
Employee #1: Yes, it is -- it's hotel information.
Employee #2: It is, but I asked you for information on a meeting.
Employee #1: Okay...
Employee #2: ... And you printed hotel information.
Employee #1: Right.
Employee #2, sighing: Where is the meeting information?
Employee #1: Oh! The meeting! You should have just said that in the first place, silly!
Employee #2: I-- Just forget it.
Employee #1: Okie dokie!
Waltham, Massachusetts
12PM Something Wrong with Your Lap, Buddy?
Old sales associate: Can I help you find something?
Customer: Yeah, where are the TV trays?
Old sales associate: Huh?
Customer: TV trays -- which aisle are they in?
Old sales associate: I don't know what those are.
Customer: The trays you have in front of you while you watch TV. You know, TV trays. People eat on them.
Old sales associate: I don't think we sell those, but you might want to check Electronics.
Customer: Uh, sure.
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Ma'am This Is the New South
Old white lady: Excuse me, where do you keep your knickers?
White supervisor, nervously: What? I don't have any...
Clothing store
Ocala, Florida
10AM That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You're Sleeping
Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven't heard back.
Cop: Well, ma'am, we've been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I'm sorry -- orange alert?
Cop: Ma'am, we're in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: ... You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
9AM Wherever That Might Be
Dean: I don't think we can be the best in the United States, but I do think we have a shot at being the best in the world.
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?
Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!
Connecticut
4PM When It's Kill-or-Cure Time
Coworker to another who's holding McDonald's: God, I love the taste of sausage when I'm hung over.
1500 NW 118th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Trevor
3PM Why -- What Did You Want to Do for Mom's 80th Birthday?
Cube dweller: I think we should force her to get drunk and embarrass her. After all, that's our way!
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McF
2PM Rocky IV Put Her into a Deep Depression for Weeks
Male peon: I'm confused... What ever happened to the dad on Good Times? Did he actually die?
Lady peon: I don't think so, but I'm going to be really sad when Carl Weathers dies.
51st Street and Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Thanks for Sharing
Secretary on phone: No, I haven't been well lately. I've had a bout of shingles all summer. From my breast bone to my hip, all down my right side... Shingles! No, shingles! Do you know what that is? It's herpes! All down my right side!
1 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Yeah, the Cardinal's Vestments Totally Rocked
Cube girl: It was like Donald Trump in Hammer pants.
Stratford, Connecticut
11AM I Promise Never to Play My Waterfall CD in the Office Again
HR drone: I apologize for any incontinence this may have caused.
Yonkers, New York
10AM Even the Attorney General Can't Do That Indefinitely
Helper: You're wonderful -- like a pie face.
Receptionist: Like a pie face? Wonderful people are like pie faces?
Helper: Um, obviously you don't understand I have my own language.
Receptionist: ... Well, then what's a pizza foot?
Helper: Look, you can't just be making things up!
4601 Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
9AM Tell Me How You Know That
Older receptionist: I can't believe they're making such a big fuss over Tom Brady's baby. I mean, you know he's going to be a great dad. He'll pay for everything. That kid is going to be very well-endowed.
Secretary: Uh... Right...
200 Clarendon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: secretariat
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