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5PM They're Opening for Shroud of Turin
Female analyst: Actually, my parents are in town this weekend. I think we're going to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Male analyst: Oh! The Dead Sea Scrolls! You mean... the band?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bored Actuarial Intern
4PM Tonight's Movie: Final Fantasy
Female coworker to male coworker: You need to squeeze as you smell the hole to make air come out.
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Maybe Back When We Had a Functioning Democracy They Were
Government employee #1, explaining the organization: Yeah, we do a lot of work with countries in Africa and South America... Countries without functioning democracies...
Government employee #2: But wait -- we've worked with England and Japan, too. It's not just the B-list countries.
Government employee #3: Wait, aren't all countries B-list in relation to the U.S.?
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM As Required by the Lesbian Code
Female coworker: ... And you know what she did? She went to hug me, and when she did they shot her.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM The One That Looks Like a Penis
Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: phone room peon
12PM For the Last Time, This Is a Library
Boss on phone: I am not your proctologist today, sir!
3500 Boulevard de Maisonneuve
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: the receptionist
11AM I've Been Doing Enough Yoga That It's Physically Possible
Office girl in stall: Fuck this! Fuck you, uterus! I'll kick your ass!
16th Street
Tempe, Arizona
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Or Get Stoned to the Point Where This Question Doesn't Matter?
Summer worker #1: I think I smoke too much weed.
Summer worker #2: Yeah... But at least you won't get glaucoma.
Summer worker #3: What's glaucoma?
Summer worker #1: It's an eye disease. Maybe you should smoke more so you don't get it.
Summer worker #3: But what about lung cancer?
Summer worker #2: Look, would you rather see or breathe?!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM Hint: Last Year's Office Christmas Party
Merchandiser #1: Do you really want to name this catalog spread 'Circle Jerk'? Doesn't that sound a little porn-ish?
Merchandiser #2: Why? What do you think 'circle jerk' means?
Monroe, Louisiana
4PM After Luring and Shooting It
Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body.
100 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: C-Rizzy
3PM The Disneyland Brochure Merely Says, "The Happiest Place on Earth"
Travel agent: The fact that there are a lot of prostitutes there is not my fault.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Is It Legal to Say That in Indiana?
CFO: Fourth floor is going to Hooters. I don't like Hooters. I like Dick's.
1 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Peon
1PM I Mean, the Dog, the Cane -- What Would You Think?
Boss to client on phone: I walked her home every day for months because I thought she was blind!
1430 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM Denny's?
Office grunt: Now if I say something tastes like shit, I'll have a frame of reference.
Hyde Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: A.D.
11AM That'll Be a Thriller
Old woman: She's been doing the moonwalk.
Young woman: That's great!
Old woman: They're waiting to find out the results of her biopsy.
Young woman: Yeah...
417 3rd Avenue
Albany, Georgia
10AM How You Know You're Spending Too Much Time with Your Coworkers
Young blonde secretary: My boyfriend's in jail. He's got another year to go.
Avuncular man: Why do you need this loser? Is this the best you can do?
Young blonde secretary: I don't know. I guess I should break up with him, but I don't know why I don't.
Avuncular man: How can you not know? If you saw a child smearing chocolate all over the walls and you asked him, 'Why are you doing that?' and he said, 'I don't know,' what would you say to him?
Young blonde secretary: I'd say, 'Stop it!' ... So I guess I should just stop it, huh?
Avuncular man: And if he didn't stop, you'd slap the shit out of him, wouldn't you?
Young blonde secretary: Yeah... But I don't know why I don't stop.
Avuncular man: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but if you were my daughter, I'd slap some sense into you.
Young blonde secretary: Yeah, my father has tried that.
Avuncular man: Apparently he didn't slap you hard enough.
Secretary's boss, walking into room: Are you talking about your boyfriend again?
Lawyer's office
Rockville Center, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
9AM She Went to Prom with the Man in the Yellow Hat
Summer associate to managing partner: ... And then my mom told my date, 'The monkey can play in the trees, but not in the bush.'
Century City, California
5PM Now Eat My Hot Canadian Bacon! Eat It!
Boss to customer: Would you like to try my meat? It tastes just like maple! Ask anyone -- they all tried it!
Lee, New Hampshire
4PM Well, Not Used Successfully
Engineer on phone: I could try to sell you a penis enlarging pump instead, if you'd like... No, of course it's not used!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Trent Lott Just Isn't Doing It for Me Anymore
Cube dweller #1: Hey, today's your first paycheck, right? What are you gonna do with it?
Cube dweller #2: I gonna buy a new whip.
Englewood, Colorado
2PM Dude, It's Not for That
Account exec #1: So, are you still taking calcium?
Account exec #2: Yeah, and I'm still fucking crazy.
289 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM It'll Be the Best Thing on C-SPAN This Week
Vet examining dog with anal abscess: All this dog needs is an hour alone with its butt and its tongue.
Washington, DC
12PM At Least There's No Visible Cameltoe
Sales agent, about Arab Muslim client on phone: Jesus Christ, is it those people with the capes again?!
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM And Make Sure the Kids Don't Either
Harried mom coworker on phone: Oh, and stay off the roof, and don't play with the sulfuric acid!
Warwick Boulevard
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: Next desk over
10AM Where's George Washington When You Need Him?
Middle-aged order entry woman: Girls, I tell you, by the time lovin' comes back around to me, that cherry will have done growed back!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: nikki
9AM That's How I Stole My PlayStation in the First Place
Guy eating lunch: Yeah, Grand Theft Auto is kind of violent, but it's fun to run people over!
HR woman: My favorite thing to do is pick up the prostitute, bring her into an alley, you do your business, and then you shoot her in the head and take your money back. [Two minutes later] I also like to beat up old ladies...
111 8th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM If It Makes Any Difference, I'm a Man
Receptionist: Girl, you're young, you're skinny, you've got a boyfriend who makes you happy, and you're not cramping. You were doomed to have a shitty week here before you walked through that door.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: They're not bitter or anything, though...
3PM Like Ted Kennedy
Cube rat: Do you realize that it's 2007 and we're still sharing the planet with fucking animals?
210 East 43rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Dear Diary, My Plan Worked! Off to Buy Tequila.
Tech director to stagehand in pink jacket: Okay, new rule -- you can come to work drunk, but you can't dress up.
Washington Park
Albany, New York
1PM Dude, Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Meditation Monks
Intern, about weekend: My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
12PM And End Up Teaching in Ohio
Philosophy professor: History is written by the winners. Losers are killed... But in philosophy, losers aren't killed, they're marginalized.
Athens, Ohio
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
10AM Um, Isn't That Why Bob Left in the First Place?
Woman #1: The classified logo scripts aren't working.
Woman #2: Bob* is working on them, but he's going on vacation tomorrow so the scripts won't be done until September.
Woman #1: September?!
Woman #2: Yeah, well, you can have IT work on it, but then who knows how long it'll be before they get around to doing it.
Woman #1: Think they'd do it faster if I showed them my boobs?
1111 West Bonanza Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM Small Wonder We're Losing the War on Terror
Cube rat #1: So I woke up on the train, and my panties were gone! They stole them shits! How ghetto is that?!
Cube rat #2: Fo' real?
Cube rat #1: And they was the Victoria Secret ones!
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM I Could Be a Politician
Worker bee: As a child -- as an infant -- I was a projectile vomiter. Laying on my back, I could hit the ceiling! It's too bad I can't do that now.
402 Watertower Circle
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: Bastian
4PM ... Now It's Just Bubbling a Little. Wanna Listen?
Coworker: Hey, how was your weekend?
Intern: Great! It's stopped itching and-- [Coworker walks away.]
Washington, DC
3PM I Know I Was Just Selling Her a Lamp, but I Can Tell
Telemarketing guy in retirement plan department, slamming down phone: She's in 401(K) heat! Ugh!
1445 120th Avenue
Bellevue, Washington
2PM Urge to Know Fading... Fading...
Library patron: Can you help me? I don't remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one's already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]
Library patron: Oh... What about this one? I don't like that one.
Employee: Well, this one's off, so I'll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]
Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say...
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
1PM It's Really More about Whether You Bring in Good Snacks
Supervisor: Why do you want to do this?
Mid-level worker: Because no one else is, and it needs to be done.
Supervisor: No one cares how hard you work! This isn't that kind of place!
State government building
Connecticut
12PM Don't Put Me on the Spot
Woman: Hey! How are you?
Small, loud man: Do you really want to know, or should I just smile and nod?
3040 Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Ben A. Fit
11AM He Would've Just Used Them for Sex... Oh, Wait.
Bimbette employee: I mean, like, if you gave Thomas Jefferson the Internet, he totally wouldn't have freed the slaves.
Department store
New Hartford, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
10AM It Actually Was Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden
Peon #1: No, that's not what she had. This is the woman with the original penis.
Peon #2, after long pause: What's that?
Peon #1: The original penis. She had the first one.
Peon #2: ... Oh.
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM A Concept As Realistic As Pixie Dust
Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?
Atlanta, Georgia
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