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5PM Or, As I Affectionately Call Him, "G Love"
Employee on phone: G as in 'Jesus.'
8604 Cliff Cameron Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
3PM Why You Should Never Work with Your Wife
Coworker: Hey, Jill*, do we have any in stock?
Jill: Yes.
Coworker: Do you even know what I'm looking for?
Jill: No.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: SK
2PM Yes. No. Shut Up!
Girl: Did signing the Articles of Confederation makes us confederates?
Quinsigamond Community College
Worcester, Massachusetts
1PM Yeah, It Was on Your Resumé
Cube dweller: Did I ever tell you about my paranoia with wind instruments?
Spring Hill Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Cubie Cal
12PM Just Put Your Butt Down and Use Your Words
Black employee #1: I been assin' for a raise and assin' for a raise, but I ain't gettin' any.
Black employee #2: See, that's your problem -- the way you talk. You don't say assin' for a raise, you say, 'I been axin' for a raise.'
Men's room
Torrance, California
11AM And Sing Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day
Boss: I need to leave work before I get too drunk!
1819 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM But I Guess It's Not Like Anyone's Listening
Child welfare worker on cell: I won't be over at my client's place long. I just need to go there real quick and see her child naked... Maybe I shouldn't say this in the middle of a mall.
Woodland Hills Mall
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Bob
9AM You're on Your Own, Pal
Visitor making fresh coffee in break room: Does this office make coffee with one packet or two?
Employee: Usually one... But there are factions...
1920 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Perhaps the World's Fattest
CSR: I always put '25' when it's supposed to be '52.' I must be anorexic.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
4PM Or So They Say on the North Shore
Programmer #1: Can you kill the parent without killing the child nodes?
Programmer #2: I don't think so.
Sales guy: It's always good to get rid of the witnesses.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sales guy's neighbor
3PM Not Your Grandmother's CPR
Medical dispatcher giving CPR instructions: Now straddle his lips with your hips...
San Jose, California
Overheard by: firechick
2PM There's a Lot to Fear at Blair Witch Manufacturing
Office chick #1: I'm scared of the men's room. I think it's the urinal...
Office chick #2: I'm scared of that little thing in the men's room.
Office chick #1: What little thing?
Office chick #2: You know -- that little wooden thing. It used to be in our bathroom... It looks like a little totem pole.
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
1PM Can I at Least Steal Office Supplies?
Interviewer: Are you comfortable with the salary for this position?
Interviewee: Well, not really, but since I don't currently have a job, I guess it'll have to be okay.
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM Just Buy One That Says "I Kill Thieves"
Disgruntled worker: It would be easier if people just walked around with shirts that said, 'I steal shit.'
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
11AM Guess Who Never Has to Go Shopping Again
Coworker: So then he came home with all these bags of groceries, all proud, and after he got them all put away, I was like, 'That's not groceries! That's meat and a pineapple!'
1450 Energy Park Drive
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: JoJo
10AM Um, You Must Be Very Popular
Receptionist: Well, I wouldn't know. I don't go into the men's room.
Cintas lady: That's where I get most of my pleasure at!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
9AM But This Is a Four-Person Office!
Boss: Don't do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don't really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
5PM But Let's Send the Troops in Anyway
Office monkey #1: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Office monkey #2: But what if it isn't?
Office monkey #3: Then it won't be.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Office monkey #4
4PM ... And for Once It Won't Be One of Us
Attorney: Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a murder.
County courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
3PM Or Be in Charge of Re-Filling the Milk Pitcher
Female coworker: Do you think you can have your nipples removed? I mean, I would never do it, but for a man? He doesn't need them. They don't breastfeed, so they're totally useless. I would be disturbed if I ever saw a man lactating... Yeah, this is why I shouldn't think.
Doughnut shop
Quincy, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disturbed Coworker
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM I May Have Failed to Grasp Your Point
Office grunt: Well, you know what they say -- when the lion king roars, the cows go running.
Garey Avenue
Pomona, California
12PM My Money's Still on the Chimpanzee
IT guy: Who do you think would win in a fight, Daffy or Donald Duck?
Sales manager: Hmmm...
IT guy: You know, never mind. You're too biased.
Union Square
New York, New York
11AM Explains a Lot
Worker bee: No, he was there. My sister and I came home from school and found her on the floor covered with ketchup, and you know what? Rosanne Barr's mother did the same thing!
25500 Hawthorne Boulevard
Torrance, California
Overheard by: Robb Banks
10AM Reader Poll: Is She?
Female cube dweller #1: I just got a massage for the first time.
Female cube dweller #2: How was it?
Female cube dweller #1: Girl, it was amazing. He had me get naked and even gave me a complimentary breast massage.
Male cube dweller: Wait... Wait... I don't think he was supposed to do that.
Female cube dweller #1: Really? I don't see why not... Really? Shit, I didn't know that.
Male cube dweller: Yeah, he violated you. You can report him and he can lose his license for doing something like that.
Female cube dweller #1: Well, I don't care -- he was fine anyway. I'll probably call him for another one.
Male cube dweller: You're an idiot!
1455 Chancellor Drive
Orlando, Florida
9AM It Hasn't Updated Its Blog in a While
Copywriter: Have you seen Terri*? I have to ask her about her G-spot.
Sex toy company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
5PM That's the Last Time I Try Barium As a Weight-Loss Drink
Librarian: Your card is locked because there appears to be ketchup or chocolate milk all over this book you returned. You have to pay for a replacement.
Patron: It's vomit. I don't do chocolate milk.
Librarian: You still have to pay.
Public library
Park Ridge, New Jersey
Overheard by: Part Time Librarian
4PM Now Get Me Some Sandy Taupe Coffee
New hire looking at spreadsheet: So, the blue fields are--
Supervisor, interrupting: --Blue? That's not blue, it's cyan. Are you colorblind?
430 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Roy G. Biv
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
2PM But God, I Miss Sales!
Employee #1: It only stays smooth like a baby's bottom for about 12 hours.
Employee #2: Maybe... And you've got to lube it up pretty good.
1200 Woodward Heights
Ferndale, Michigan
1PM They'd Rather Be Called "Interns"
Wailing lady peon: Nooo! I have three boobs!
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: mellamaphone
12PM As I Explained in My Eulogy
Office girl: He was murdered outside that bar.
Office guy: Oh my god! I remember that. It was on the news. You knew him?
Office girl: Yeah! I got his microwave!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Not Physically Possible? Someone's Never Read the Bible
Office girl #1: Is it raining out?
Office girl #2: No way, it's sunny! Unless it a sun shower.
Office girl #1: A sun shower is not physically possible.
Office girl #2: Ummm, you've never seen it rain while the sun's out?
Office girl #1: Oh, I thought you meant literally, like giant balls of fire falling from the sky...
Michigan
Overheard by:
10AM How America Keeps Its Suits in Line
Receptionist: With girls it's okay to imagine things and dream. Boys, you do that, you're gay.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: True Believer
9AM Have You Considered Beating Him?
Peon #1, about son: Yeah, so he's just at that age where he's throwing things around now. I mean, he'll grow out of it, but it's annoying replacing his dummy every time he throws it away.
Peon #2: How old is he?
Peon #1: Twenty-three.
Clarendon Street
East Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
5PM I Don't Get It
Employee #1: I'm going to this funny movie tomorrow.
Employee #2: Which one?
Employee #1: I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where Sasha Baron Cohen comes as a guy from Kazakhstan named "Borat."
Employee #2: Oh, yeah, Borat!
Employee #1: Right, and I still can't remember the title!
4250 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: end of days is here
4PM People Say Things at Work They'd Never Say Anywhere Else
Office girl on phone: Am I coming into you or are you coming into me?
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: John
3PM Men Seem to Prescribe That for Everything
Male employee: Do you know what you really need right now?
Female employee: I need coffee.
Male employee: No, you really need to get laid. Now.
419 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
2PM Let's Just Say the Experience Is Better in Slow Motion
Female editor: I've never been to Hooters, and I probably never will.
Male reporter: The service is exceptional.
Female editor: It takes the longest time for me to get my food there.
Male reporter: That's the best part!
100 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
1PM I'm Tired of Dating Doughboys
Jersey office girl: Hey, my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: Dumpling?
Jersey office girl: Yeah! You're my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: A dumpling is not so nice. I'd rather be a bread stick.
West 28th Street
New York, New York
12PM A Nuclear Holocaust? No.
Editor: Is there any way this can technically be swept under a virtual rug?
Two Penn Plaza
New York, New York
11AM He's Still Not Welcome at the Picnic
Woman, about her boyfriend: He doesn't just shit on the bathroom floor of any restaurant. He only does it when he's upset about the food or service. And he wouldn't do it anywhere really nice -- just at places like Arby's or whatever.
Highway 55
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM ... Which Peter in Accounting Then Buys from Us. [We Don't Ask.]
New intern taking tour of company warehouse: So, you said that we have a lifetime guarantee on all the clothes that we send out?
Warehouse manager: Oh, yeah, we guarantee all our merchandise. We'll even return underwear that's been soiled.
Plainfield, Indiana
9AM A Golden Shower
Suit on phone: Yeah, you better remember how to take a shower.
59 Camelot Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Sorry, I'm washing my hair tonight
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