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5PM The Red Menace Never Sleeps
20-ish female associate: Yeah, and you should see her hair! She dyed it red.
20-ish male associate: Really? How red? Like, Netflix-red?
20-ish female associate: No! Worse than that. Like Tandoori chicken-red!
Middle-aged male associate: Wait, wait, wait -- what on Earth are you two talking about? What ever happened to fire engine-red and candy apple-red? [Met with silent, blank stares, then waves his hand in disdain] Bah! You kids nowadays are all freaks!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
4PM Burt Bacharach: Dammit!
Worker bee: There's nothing more romantic than porn falling on your head...
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
3PM That Goes Double for You, Bob
Manager: Okay, bitches. At this beach party I want y'all to take care of business down South. I don't want no hairy pussy to attack me while I'm tanning. [All female coworkers nod and walk away.]
Fulton Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: coworker
2PM When Lactose Intolerants Dream
Weird coworker: I had a nightmare, too! I was standing in a pool eating taquitos, except they were filled with cream cheese and fruit!
111 Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
1PM All I Said Was "Hi"
Intern: My uterus is dry-heaving.
Supervisor: Wow.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
12PM Men Learn a Lot about the Women They Work With
Lady peon: What? No! You don't wanna put your boobs on the toilet seat!
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: I don't even want to know, really
11AM Similar to Me
Office weirdo: Most people don't realize that mermaids actually have sharp teeth -- similar to a shark. They also eat fish... So they have really bad breath.
Washington, DC
10AM ... In the Church Easter Pageant
Cube rat: Yeah, I'm going to be a giant hymen!
685 Rue Cathcart
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Burning Ears
9AM Of Course, the Functional Invisibility Is Good for Robbing Banks
Woman #1: I hate these bloody name tags!
Woman #2: I know! The straps are so long! Everyone keeps peering down at your belly before looking up at your face!
Woman #1: I prefer the name tags you can clip on your lapel...
Woman #2: Yes, at my age I'd actually rather men stared at my tits and not at my stomach.
Old woman exiting stall: Honey, at my age you're chuffed if they look anywhere at all!
Conference, St. Andrews Place
London
England
5PM When Excel Just Isn't Enough
Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.
East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: marianoelle
4PM Isn't Easy Being a Preacher, Is It?
Boss: The more questions you ask, the more explanations I have to give.
Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
3PM With Mashed Potato Pus!
Peon #1: So, how's that burn on your arm?
Peon #2: It kind of looks like prime rib.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
2PM To Make Up for Their Overwhelming Idiocy
Office assistant #1: Oh, I see you got braces. Congrats. But aren't they awfully expensive?
Office assistant #2: Yeah, but it's worth it... At least my future children will have straight teeth!
Moscow
Russia
1PM Only Less Preachy
Bimbette reading back of Animal Farm: Wait... This is just like Charlotte's Web!
Book store
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Really?
12PM Nothing Was Ever the Same after Howie Got the National Geographic Channel
Suit on cell: So, my division is like an aborigine, and their division is like a rhinoceros.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: Spittake
11AM ... That You're Going to Be Fired... Oh, You Don't?
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, I would never say anything to anyone about that.
Coworker #2, as other hangs up: About what?
Coworker #1: Don't worry, you already know.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Doesn't know
10AM Or the One Who Shot Harry Whittington in the Face?
Boss lady: I see a dinosaur.
Minion: Is that the same one that made you break your arm?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: L.J
9AM So Do I Have the Job or What?
60-year-old coworker: I wanna go in the back door.
Supervisor: Okay...
60-year-old coworker: I really like going in back doors.
801 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Porter
5PM Guess the Word Is Out
Lady peon: Okay, who put these condoms on my desk?
101 West 31st Street
New York, New York
4PM Worst. Porno. Ever.
Female phlebotomist to male patient: I hope this is a size 25 needle. [Sticks him] Oh, no! This is a size 22 needle -- it's too small. Blood is rushing into the vein, see? It's blowing up. I'm blowing you! ... Oh my god, I don't mean that!
Medical center
Medford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dr. Fred
3PM Trenton, but Close Enough
Doctor to patient with teardrop tattoo under eye: That's a pretty cool tattoo. Where'd you get it?
Patient, uneasily: Uh... At this place I used to stay.
Doctor: That wouldn't be jail, would it?
Patient: Maybe...
Hospital
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: this guy
2PM Nowhere Near "Jews for Jesus" Level, Though
IT guy to another: Gay Republicans are a little more weird than Gary*.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM That Looks Like... My Wife's Pumpkin!
Grunt, alone in cube: Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater... Fuckin' bitch.
North Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM Another Tip from My Big Book of Rainy-Day Activities
Female peon: I love eating a rare steak and then sopping up all the juice with some bread.
Male peon: You know what I like? To puncture a hole in a small animal that runs by my house and catch the blood like a fountain.
Female peon: Um, yeah, that would work, too.
4653 Cotton Gin Loop
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: RebeccaB
11AM How, Now?
Reporter #1: Did I just hear that someone got bit by a cow on the scanner?
Reporter #2: It's possible. Some of them have really bad attitudes.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
Overheard by: Catherine
10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"
CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: hiding under my desk
9AM While He Was Trying for a Nice Piece of Assonance
Male cube rat: I need a word that rhymes with 'vaginal.'
Female cube rat #1: Why?
Male cube rat: I'm writing a poem.
Female cube rat #1: What kind of poem has the word 'vaginal' in it?
Male cube rat: Don't interrogate me. Just help me out.
Female cube rat #2: This poem isn't about me, is it?
Male cube rat: I'll bet Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't have to put up with a bunch of fucking questions.
Insurance company
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM And Why Are All My Problems Self-Inflicted?
Boss: Who wants to do these reports?
Enthusiastic lady: I'll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 minutes later: Are those reports ready, Angie*?
Enthusiastic lady: I'm still on it.
Boss, 15 minutes later: I need those reports now.
Enthusiastic lady: I am working on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep asking me if it's done?!
4340 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: did not ask for work
4PM In Tribute to What God Did on the Eighth Day
Worship leader: So, we're gonna drop the last verse of 'Awesome God.' I think it sounds better that way.
Pastor: Okay, anything else?
Young worship musician: Well, I gotta blow outta here pretty soon.
Pastor: So, let me get this straight -- he's dropping and you're blowing?
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM I Don't Need a Gel Mousepad -- I've Got Breast Implants
Male paralegal : No one's gonna use it but me. I'll hide it.
Female secretary: What?
Male paralegal: But I'll let you feel it.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: WTF is he talking about
2PM Come into My Office and I'll Show You Some Photos
Boss lady: I just don't think thong underwear is that attractive. I mean, maybe if you're 12 years old and tight...
Assistant: I don't think a 12-year-old in thong underwear is attractive.
Boss lady: Well, when you're 12, you're tight.
Burbank, California
1PM So They'll Have Lots to Polish
Exec assistant on phone: They're gay boys, so... you know... maybe a little more stainless steel...
47th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Actually, That May Be Just What Eyeore Needs
Sales guy: That guy wouldn't be in a good mood even if you woke him up with porn and ice cream.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
11AM Women.
VP: They're all doable. We're just not able to do most of them.
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cautiously Optimistic
10AM Well, I Still Miss Serious Newscasters
Peon #1: He's into that pooping and farting stuff now.
Peon #2: Who isn't?!
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM And by Nice, I Mean "How Soul-Destroyingly Gauche"
Office girl #1 in skimpy outfit gathering promotional material: You look whipped.
Office girl #2: Yeah... I had a date. I didn't get home until four A.M.
Office girl #1: I didn't get to sleep until four A.M., either, but that's because I was having sex... with my man...
Office girl #2: Yeah, I was at a bar. It was the first date. We got really drunk and I rode him in the booth.
Office girl #1: Nice.
1142 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hellooo... I am sitting right here!
5PM Much Better Than a Cracker Jack Prize
Video store manager: ... And the porn was in the candy.
Movie store
Williamstown, Massachusetts
4PM And Not the Other Way Around
Art director, peeling an orange: I wish homeless people smelled like oranges.
Oak Lawn Avenue
Dallas, Texas
3PM My Stretch Goal Is to Make It to Work on Time
Worker bee: There was an employee fitness challenge here today. Hilarity ensued.
Less productive bee: I imagine it would anytime you throw 'employee' and 'challenge' together in one sentence.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Especially Since Your Cat Is Already "Meow Tse-Tung"
Worker bee: Seriously, you just should not name your dog after a rapist...
Medical office
Florida
Overheard by: The DM
1PM No.
Customer: Can I have one of these items that is in a box?
Employee: Of course [retrieves item].
Customer: Can you check to make sure it isn't broken?
Employee: No problem! [Cuts tape and opens box.]
Customer: Great! Now, can I have one that hasn't been opened?
670 University Avenue
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Shaking Head in Disbelief
12PM Never Worked in an Office Before? You've Got a Lot Coming to You
Cube dweller #1: Oh, and I love it when my husband takes his shirt off at night, because then I can pop his back pimples. He hates it when I do that, but I just love it!
Cube dweller #2 and recent hire: [Horrified silence.]
Cube dweller #1: Yeah, and last night I was real disappointed, because I was working on a blackhead and it turned out to be a mole.
Cube dweller #3: [Flees cube.]
Medical center
Pittsburg, Kansas
11AM That's What I Think of Pleated Khakis on Men
Product manager: So, it's a win-win situation, but without the wins.
70 East 55th Street
New York, New York
10AM Oh! Oh! Stuff My Envelope!
Male to female coworkers: Do you want to have an insertion party? I mean, do you need some help?
1000 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
9AM That Clarification Smells Fishy
Coworker: Can I get the first initial of your last name?
Insurance rep: 'C' as in 'pussy.'
Coworker: I'm sorry -- 'C' as in what?!
Insurance rep: 'C' like 'pussy.' You know -- pussycat.
Doctor's office
Dallas, Texas
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