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5PM And Wandering in Traffic?
Admin assistant: I hear that Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually have an open relationship.
India-Indian boss: Well, it is no surprise since she does not want to get married.
Admin assistant: I guess you're right.
India-Indian boss: I mean, why buy the milk when that cow is just outside?
685 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
4PM I'd Rather My Wife Didn't Understand Me
Opinionated coworker: My wife's mad at me because I think she's an idiot.
Main Street and Grant Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
3PM ... Don't Ask
Budget director: Do you smell that? It smells like car wax. What is that smell?
Executive director: The interoffice memo...
436 6th Avenue North
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM But Apparently It Was the Best Frat Party of the Year
Worker bee: I was asleep! I don't want to know how they were wiggling things around in my body!
333 South Street
Shrewsbury, Massachusetts
1PM So People Are My Raw Material
Cube dweller #1: Hey, I'm a people person.
Cube dweller #2: What are you talking about? You're a make-fun-of-people person!
1000 East 116th Street
Carmel, Indiana
12PM Thanks to a Good Divorce Lawyer
Female grunt #1 looking around: Ramone* has them.
Female grunt #2, holding plastic jacks in hand: Has what?
Female grunt #1: My balls. Ramone has my balls.
19th Street and Deer Valley Road
Arizona
11AM Many Computer Users Are Like Cargo Cultists
Old female boss, struggling with computer: My-- What's wrong with my-- Does anyone know what's the problem with my--
Worker: --What's the question?!
Old female boss: My mouse doesn't work.
Worker: So how long were you going to sit there moving it around on your desk?
Old female boss: Well, it's not working! [Worker sighs loudly, turns back to his computer.]
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
10AM Always Best to Counter Intolerance with Immaturity
Manager: Your boyfriend looks like a terrorist.
Peon, farting: My butthole is the terrorist in this office.
12th Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM ... I'll Bring Booze and the Necessary Plug-Ins
Female designer: If you show up, you can watch me use your hard drive.
IT guy: Ummm...
44 Canal Center Plaza
Alexandria, Virginia
5PM It's Hard to Push the Feathered Glory from My Loosening Thighs
Slutty coworker: Oh, I just joined the most fantastic group in MySpace, XYZ Friends*. It's incredible. You don't even have to look for men -- you just join and men fly all over you.
Snarky coworker: You flaming parakeet.
São Paulo
Brazil
4PM I Blame Our Support Staff
Grunt #1: Shit, the bombs aren't in the bags.
Grunt #2: Awww, fuck it. Let's go get a hamburger.
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thrax
3PM Since My Husband Was Turned to Stone
Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.
1120 NW Couch Street
Portland, Oregon
2PM Please Leave a Message in Ugaritic after the Beep
Coworker: Hello. I don't speak English.
Newton, Massachusetts
1PM A Good Way to Get People to Stop Sending You E-mail
Worker bee: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna pee on the carpet! I got the e-mail about that 11-thousand-dollar deal! [Stands up up and lifts leg] Psss... Psss... Look at me! I'm the cat! I'm peeing on the carpet!
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Anesthetics Are No Substitute for Social Skills
Coworker on phone: Some people are just turned off by her personality. She was on the phone with Cheryl* the other day talking about how they rubbed chloroform all over her body.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
11AM I Think We Can Do Even Better
Lady customer: I need a phone that'll work all year -- all three hundred sixty-two days.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Tell Them Under No Circumstances Will Their Demands Be Met
Crazy woman at front desk: I will not be a slave to my teeth!
1685 Main Street
Santa Monica, California
9AM I Can't Believe We Give Out an Award for That, Anyway
Suit to another: So I am supposed to feel vindicated because my father is a bigger liar than I am?
300 Block of Julia Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: dyslexicMot
5PM Seems No One Is Safe from the Quality-Control Spies
Customer: Do you have a copy machine?
CSR: Um, no... This is a book store.
Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.
CSR: We sell books.
Customer: But I don't want to buy it, I just want to copy it.
CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.
Customer: But I'm here now, and I want to copy this book.
CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.
Customer: I think that's illegal. I'd like to report you to your manager.
Book store
Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: Michelle
4PM Even More Painful Than It Sounds
Cube dweller #1: What is Gerald* doing?
Cube dweller #2: Re-routing the booter.
250 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
3PM But We're Going Out for Dinner Later
Male coworker: You missed it! Devon* and I just had a staring contest in which we tried to figure out the color of each other's eyes.
Female coworker: So, what was the verdict?
Male coworker: That it was too creepy, so we stopped.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
2PM Get Out the Bear Mace, Sweetie
Passenger: My daughter is burning that DVD for you. I'll drop it by when she's done it.
Station worker: Thanks! You really don't have to.
Another mother, to her toddler: Sound's like someone's breaching copyright!
Turramurra Station
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Andrew
1PM Oh, Hell, Give Me a Buck and We're Good
Clerk trying to price-check produce: Now, how is it you spell cucumber? Is that with a K or a Q?
Supermarket
Biloxi, Mississippi
12PM Only an Atomic Wedgie Can Save Me!
Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
11AM You Mean Argue for Years about What to Build?
Boss: We'll have to develop this from Ground Zero principles.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
10AM Like Alternate-Side Parking
Account manager: Um, it's called the UK. Sometimes it's a country, and sometimes it's not.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: When is it not?
9AM But the Problem Is, We're Completely Wrong
Lawyer #1: We still have the right to prove we're right, right?
Lawyer #2: Right.
465 California Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dances with lawyers
5PM If They Provided Lunch, They Wouldn't Have to Pay Us at All
Cube dweller #1, at weekly company breakfast: Oooh, breakfast. I forgot today was breakfast day.
Cube dweller #2: They sure do know how to buy us off. They could take away our chairs and there would only be a minor grumbling, but if they took away our breakfast... Like, 'Yeah, we're gonna be a standing agency now.' 'Yeah, that's cool. Just don't mess with my breakfast.'
233 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
4PM But As a Paralegal? No.
Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?
Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]
Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!
575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
3PM God, You Techies Are No Fun
IT guy: Hey, Kelly* just showed me her slingbox.
Boss: Reeeally?
It guy: Yeah. It works fine and everything, but I wouldn't pay for it.
Boss: If you get her drunk she'll give it to you for free!
It guy: Ohhh... I think we're talking about different things...
Boss: Reeeally?
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: Would get sick of it anyway...
2PM Oh, Yeah, You Gotta Keep Your Pool Clean
Receptionist #1: You know, I need a big, magic tool. One that doesn't take batteries.
Receptionist #2: Hahaha!
Receptionist #1: For my pool! To clean my pool... Get your mind out of the gutter...
Receptionist #2: [Still snickering.]
State Street
Augusta, Maine
Overheard by: broken girl
1PM Creativity? I'm an Engineer
Male coworker: I would take Beyoncé's face, Beyoncé's legs, Beyoncé's arms, Beyoncé's body, and Beyoncé's ass and put them all together to make my dream woman... And I'd name her Beyoncé.
4510 Maplecrest Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Bk-Bitch
12PM Let Me Just Set Up the Webcam
Paralegal: So, should I go ahead and do a dump on the computer?
Seneca Meadows Parkway
Germantown, Maryland
11AM The Law Requires You to Accommodate My Missing Tentacle
Manager to clumsy coworker: You're about as graceful as a seven-legged octopus with a muscle spasm!
Fast food joint
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: Dubird
10AM Think I Just PDA'd Myself
Editor to coworker whose loud text alert goes off in meeting: Matt*, when your crotch cries out, we all stop and take notice.
Bay Avenue
Stafford, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
9AM How'd They Get There from the West?
Peon: I think she's Indian.
Boss: American Indian? We don't have a lot of those!
Peon: No, Asian Indian.
Boss: They have Indians in Asia?!
5th and Market Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM According to My Personality Profile
Boss: I would rather be dressed in chaps and a police cap at the Blue Oyster Bar than be subjected to the XYZ Company* auditors.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: K67
4PM Saves Thousands in Severance Pay, Though
Worker bee #1: Was this a fire alarm or a severe weather alert?
Worker bee #2: I don't think they would kick us outside during a tornado.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
3PM Last Time, Frank from Accounting Tore My Favorite Negligee
Secretary: Does it involve undergarments? If so, I'm not there.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
2PM Which Is Why I Keep This Big Stick under My Desk
Legal aide: But we have an agreement with them.
Secretary: Well, agreement is the starting point of arguments.
Office
Malaysia
1PM Dogs Seem to Prefer the Varsoviana
Customer: If you come across a strange dog, you have to look like you're dancing. Otherwise it'll attack you.
Tyler, Texas
12PM Contempt-Resistant Plastic Coming Right Up
Bagger: What kind of bag would you like?
Dismissive shopper: You pick. I haven't been here in a while, so I don't know what the options are.
7504 Aurora Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
11AM Would You Like to Adopt Me?
Employee: Can I have your first and last name?
Customer: I don't have one.
715 Jefferson Street
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Wonder If I've Overplayed That Card Yet
Secretary #1: Here, I'll trade you dark chocolate for my chocolate.
Secretary #2: No, I like dark chocolate.
Secretary #1: Why does the white man have to take all the dark chocolate? That's the last piece of dark chocolate, and I'm dark so I should eat it! You ate all the white chocolate last week because you're white, and now you're going to have all the dark chocolate, too, just like the white man does to everything!
Secretary #2, eating dark chocolate: It's all mine now. Look at this! [Opens mouth.]
Secretary #1, muttering to herself and walking away: Just like the white man...
11330 Pierce Street
Riverside, California
Overheard by: Kevin
9AM Thank Goodness for Prosthetic Backbones
Secretary: Did Taryn* come back from the doctor's?
Chart drone: Yeah, she said the doctor put a stiffener in her.
Secretary: Good, that will help her.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: phoenix, best analyst ever
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