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5PM He Brings Out the Worst in Me and Enjoys It
20-something in scrubs #1: The one I really like is Jared*.
20-something in scrubs #2: Jared?
20-something in scrubs #1: Yeah. When we're together I can really control him.
Hospital, 399 Bathurst Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM But before Having Sex with My Husband
Receptionist: That goes on my to-do list right below having sex with a midget.
Madison, South Dakota
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock
Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: zundian
1PM Last Time I Tried Both, I Was Asked to Leave
Old employee to young one: So, it was more important to get laid than go to the company picnic?
666 11th Street
Washington, DC
12PM He's Been Coming in a Lot More Since He Got Fired
Suit: When Barry* is out, who should get this report?
Boss: Give it to Barry -- he's in.
Suit: When I asked Susan* I thought she said he wasn't working today.
Boss: She's absolutely right. But he is here today.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM And You Have Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Salesman: We're looking for your shorts!
8531 East Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Clerk
10AM Fraternizing Is Wrong, but I Just Can't Help Myself
Lieutenant: I can't wait to get my hands on your package and give it a good scrubbing.
Oak Harbor, Washington
9AM Figure Out How to Order Lunch and You're Looking at the Vice Presidency
Manager: Wow! I guess if we don't have a receptionist, we don't get any coffee.
Peon: I could make some if you want...
Manager: Really? You know how to do that?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: I can cook too
5PM By the Three Year Mark I've Forgotten Everything but Hair Color
Poli-Sci professor: How was I supposed to remember her name? I had only lost my virginity to her five years earlier!
College
Wooster, Ohio
4PM You Play Helen Reddy, That's What You Get
Male coworker: All I hear is, 'Yap, yap, yap, I'm cold, yap, yap, yap, I'm a woman.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Erin
3PM From Drive Your Staff Crazy with Double-Binds
Worker bee: If you're not willing to come in on your days off, you can't complain about being short-staffed.
UK
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
12PM But It's the Tasseled Loafers You Really Have to Look Out For
Sales manager: Jack* didn't show up to work today. He probably went to an interview at another company.
VP: Is this the guy with the shoes?
Sales manager: Yep.
VP: Any dude wearing white shoes and a white belt is somewhat suspect...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Smiths
11AM Though It Did Help Me Get into Princeton
Coworker #1: I was a munchkin in high school. My only line was 'Cry-meny!'
Coworker #2: You mean 'crih-miny'?
Coworker #1: Well, there goes my moment in the sunshine.
300 Witherspoon Street
Princeton, New Jersey
10AM Why So Many People Work from Home
Disembodied voice: Yeah, I had him for five months -- a big ol' black boy. He had a toilet paper fetish.
Capital of Texas Highway
Austin, Texas
9AM It's a Series of Limericks, Each Filthier Than the Last
Branch manager: I'm sending you an e-mail.
Cube rat #1: Thanks...
Cube rat #2: You're one of those people, huh?
Branch manager: Ha, no, but he'll like this.
Cube rat #2: Is it a funny one about a cat?
Branch manager: No!
Cube rat #2: Drat.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Society Would Crumble without Hypocrisy
Coworker #1: You don't believe in the five-second rule?
Coworker #2, who dropped a chip and threw it away: I do, just not when people are watching...
Richardson, Texas
4PM ... Oh, Bottles of Scotch. What Did You Think I Was Talking About?
Coworker on phone: If you want to know any good 12-year-olds, I can tell you. Just ask.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Over H. Eard
3PM It's Only Partially about the Kids
Hockey dad: If this snow keeps up, there won't be any hot-tubbing with the hockey MILFs tonight.
Bachelor: Hockey MILFs?
Hockey dad: You better believe it.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: My kid's on the wrong hockey team
2PM So, No Mayan Pyramids?
Manager: Yes, next week we'll all be in Mexico.
Woman #1: I hope you are going to relax this vacation.
Manager: I feel if I don't run around and see everything, I'm wasting the experience.
Woman #2: Let me explain something clearly to you: vacation is sex, food, sleep, more sex, more sex.
Manager: [Stunned.]
Woman #2: That's why you never come back relaxed. Sex, sex, nap, sex. Repeat that.
Garden State Mall
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Woman #3
1PM You Do Smell a Little Ripe
Cube dweller: I'm at the peak of my fat season!
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
12PM A Ninja Pirate Robot Bunny?
Nerd #1: Done! Like a bunny, I am quick!
Nerd #2: Like a ninja bunny!
Nerd #1: ... A ninja, pirate bunny!
Telephone company
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: Jesus Christ
11AM Got Any Engagement Rings That Squirt Poison?
Worker bee: I won't spend 60 dollars on something I can't shoot my friends with.
11145 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: me either
10AM I'm Thinking of Knitting One
Cute chick holding up ballpoint pen: How does this work?
250 Bloor Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: working on a manual
9AM Keeps Trying to Have the Bakery Slice Her Dog
Assistant manager: Ma'am, you can't bring that puppy in here. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Lady carrying puppy: What? It's a goddamn puppy! Suck my dick!
Assistant manager: You're going to have to leave.
Lady carrying puppy, leaving: Fuck you, bitches!
Assistant manager, cheerfully: Goodbye! Shop again!
7747 Mall Road
Florence, Kentucky
5PM Just Testing the Waters
Boss: We should become alcoholics. That would make work so much easier.
Employee: That bottle of Bailey's in my filing cabinet only lasted me a week and a half.
Boss: You had Bailey's?
Employee: Ummm, no.
Lake Shore Drive
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Like I Said -- Motherplumber
Salesman #1: So, you put your hand in?
Salesman #2: Yeah, well, I tried. At first I could only get my fingers in there, and there's water and this black shit drippin' out.
Salesman #1: Gross... Totally gross.
Salesman #2: It was... And she's yelling at me that I'm doing it wrong, but I'm just trying to work my whole hand in there and she won't shut up!
Neighboring cube rat: Keep your gross-ass sex stories to yo'self!
Salesman #2: I was working on the clogged plumbing at my mother's house!
Equitable building
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Drue K.
3PM Certainly, Sir -- Are You Considering Suicide or Simply Alcoholic?
Man at music counter: Do you happen to have 'The Wreck of the F. Scott Fitzgerald'?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Bearphan
2PM Earl Takes Issue with the Gregorian Calendar
Clerk: This form is made out for June 31st, but there isn't any June 31st.
Salesman: Why not? Is this a leap year?
Brunswick, Georgia
Overheard by: Julian Calendar
1PM And Then We Invaded Iraq
Worker bee: I love the smell of gasoline. I'd sniff gasoline all day long, if it wouldn't, you know, kill you.
2000 East El Segundo Boulevard
El Segundo, California
12PM Although That Could Just Be the Mescaline Talking
Black girl peon #1: That girl is so annoying. She is so happy all the time.
Black girl peon #2: I know, right? It's like she has butterflies coming out of her mouth or something.
Washington, DC
11AM Because We Could Use Interns Instead
Grunt #1: We need to buy a couple of monkeys and have monkey knife fights.
Grunt #2: Is there anything against the law about that?
2540 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
10AM Stupid Hypnotist
Payroll clerk to another: So, whenever anyone says 'payroll,' I stab someone and piss myself!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Goin' Payroll
9AM Can't Get More Gangsta Than Egyptian Vultures
Office peon #1: Yo, you watch that Animal Planet?
Office peon #2: Oooh, one time I saw this bird -- he use a rock like a hammer! Dropped it on a egg, cracked it open... Gangsta, son! Gangsta!
New York, New York
5PM What Made Her Decide to Have That Surgery?
Chick to coworker: Ohhh, okay. Maybe she should stop getting f-ed in the nose. It's only gonna make her uglier.
Upper West Side
New York, New York
4PM Can I Go Home Sick Now?
Advising office applicant to interviewer: Yeah, advisors are worthless.
6001 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Brandy
3PM Details Available Upon Request
Male colleague: Feeling any better?
Female colleague: Sort of.
Male colleague: Did you go make yourself throw up?
Female colleague: No, I can't do that.
Male colleague: Oh, you're one of those people. I can do it on command. I have a very weak sphincter.
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: ap
2PM Dad? Dad!
Old man: An hour I'm waiting here! What's the point in making appointments if they make you wait?
Middle-aged son: What's your hurry, Dad? You have no place else to go.
Old man: That's not the point! When they make an appointment they should take you in at that time!
Middle-aged son: Hey, Dad, that's why they call it a 'waiting room.' See all these people? They all have appointments, too.
Old man: When I see that doctor I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Middle-aged son: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dad. One little injection and they'll carry you out of here dead, and nobody's gonna ask why a 91-year-old man died suddenly.
Doctor's waiting room
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Now That We've Put the Lime in the Coconut
Nurse: Why can't we just put the hair on the pancreas?
Medical office
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: So Glad I Work Here
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
9AM Actually, It's Our Co-Worker, Rita
Office peon orienting a temp: And this, well, it may look like a copier, but it's really--
Temp: --A space ship?
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
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