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5PM And, You Know, Agony
Male desk drone, stretching: I'd love one of those medieval torture tables, y'know?
Female coworker: Uh, the rack?
Male desk drone: Yeah! I love stretching.
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
4PM No Expectations, No Disappointment
Worker bee #1: I've never had a Hungry Man meal before.
Worker bee #2: It's not bad. Just don't pretend you're eating real food.
Austin, Texas
3PM We Ended Up Hiring the Stoner Ex-Con with Style
Manager: We didn't hire him because he wore Hush Puppies.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whitney
2PM Trust Me, They're More Afraid of You Than You Are of Them
Data entry guy #1: Ya know what freaks me out?
Data entry guy #2: Um... What?
Data entry guy #1: Canadians.
Dallas, Texas
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
12PM Well, Now You're Just Bragging
Defense attorney at deposition: ... And before the accident, about how many times per month were you intimate with your wife?
Plaintiff: Um, probably upper 20s.
Defense attorney, incredulous: Upper 20s?!
Plaintiff: Yeah. My wife is Latin.
9th Street
Sacramento, California
11AM I'm Having One Now
Office girl: This magazine says that men, on average, have sex 84 times a year.
Older math geek: Hmmm. That's like one and a half times a week.
Office girl: What do you mean, 'half'? There are no half-times when it comes to sex.
Older math geek: Trust me, there are.
Chantilly, Virginia
10AM Requiring a Constant Airflow Across Her Cooling Fins
Lady #1: Yeah, so I saw Evie* over at the courthouse, and she yells at me, 'Yo, girl, you wearin' panties?' And so I say back, 'Yeah, I sho' am!' Her mother gets right up and tells me she ain't wearin' any panties.
Lady #2: Haha. Why she at court?
Lady #1: Some probation thing.
1340 Forest Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Reggie Queen
9AM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Secretary: What I'd give for an eight-year-old vagina again...
Orange County, California
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
4PM I Think I Have to Go Home Sick
Cube rat playing with promotional sticky ball: When I hold this ball too long my hand starts to smell.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
2PM You! Write This Down!
Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Followed by a Scourging with Birch Twigs
Female coworker: I do a dry rub followed up with a vinegar wash.
Portland, Oregon
12PM Why the Germans Were Lost When the Berlin Wall Came Down
Boss #1: Most of our people in philanthropy are on coke... They get the work done, but the meetings are like coke conventions.
Boss #2: I had an ex-girlfriend who was always on a lot of coke. I didn't know it, though. I thought she just had a lot of energy. Once, when she was really high, I had to throw her against a wall to snap her out of it.
Boss #1: Well, that's what you have to do sometimes.
Miami, Florida
11AM The Best Boss That Ever Had Me
Team leader: She was like some kind of robot lesbian.
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
10AM Or Throw the File behind the Radiator and Hope No One Notices
New girl: How do you file your customer requests?
Veteran: By subject.
New girl: But what if there are two subjects in one request?
Veteran: You pick one.
116th and Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Aren't You a Little Curious about the Monkey Pushing the Mail Cart?
Boss: I have no idea what goes on, and that's the way I like it!
Balltown Road
Schenectady, New York
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
4PM By American Standards That Makes Him a Good Father
Office guy: He's married with two kids, but all he does is play Xbox.
Office girl: That's not good.
Office guy: Well, he does find time to do other things, like, you know, play with his kids and smoke weed.
Connecticut
3PM On the Plus Side, I've Lost Five Pounds Since We Became Friends
Queer temp on phone: God, I hate Lynn*! I can never spend any long periods of time with her because we can never eat. Why does she have to be anorexic? Why can't she just be bulimic so she can at least eat with me and then puke it all up later? Hell, she can even use my finger or toothbrush!
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
2PM Bunnies: We're Concentrating on Our Careers
Receptionist: Yeah, the Deals Team all have babies about the same age. They must have just all at once started procrastinating like bunnies!
30 Warwick Street
London
England
Overheard by: Supertemp
1PM I Once Was Lost, but Now Am TBD
24-year-old hotel suit: Excuse me, sir, can I help you find something?
Meeting attendee, wandering around: Yes! Where is room TBD?!
Fancy hotel
Rosemont, Illinois
Overheard by: Jaw dropping in disbelief
12PM Ahoy, Space Station, Prepare to Be Boarded!
NASA intern: Okay, kids, let's put on our pirate costumes and play spaceman!
Research center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
11AM One Cold Day It Got Stuck
20-ish male CNA: Hey, what's a taint?
20-ish female nurse #1: Well, it 'taint your balls, and it 'taint your asshole -- it's in between.
20-ish female nurse #2: I don't think I have a taint...
20-ish male CNA: I had a girlfriend in high school who used to like to put her tongue there!
130 2nd Street
Neenah, Wisconsin
10AM Could and Have
New chef: I gotta take a dump.
Waiter: There's no toilet seat in the employee bathroom.
New chef: Dude, I just got out of jail after five years. I could shit in a pickle bucket in the middle of our dining room and it wouldn't bother me.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM ... Which Are Also a Delicacy in Mexico
Office guy #1: Does anyone know of, like, a Mexican dessert?
Office guy #2: Why?
Office guy #1: Oh, my wife is having a Mexican-themed party and I have to think of a dessert.
Office guy #3: Flan? I think that is Mexican. I don't know what it is, though...
Office gal: Flan is nasty. It has a nasty texture. Flan is like the texture of a rotten cooter.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: I don't like flan either...
5PM I'll Start, and You Take Over When I Get Dizzy
Coworker to another, finding that doughnuts are gone: You wanna just lick the box with me?
Fredericksburg, Virginia
4PM Another Drawback of the Atkins Diet
Coworker to another: Remember the time you spilled your meat juice in the back of my Pathfinder?
6412 Maple Avenue
Westminster, California
3PM Well, It's in the Decontamination Chamber Right Now...
Boss: Did you find mail in the bathroom?
Intern: Yeah, is it yours?
Boss: Yeah, I left it there on purpose.
Intern: Do you want me to put it back?
Boss: No, I'll take it now, please.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
2PM I Try to Put Him Out of My Misery
Lady #1: Is your husband feeling any better?
Lady #2: No, but I am getting better at avoiding him and ignoring him.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM If It Crawls Under the Files, They'll Never See It Again
Peon, about crowd: What's going on over there?
Coworker: One of them's just had a baby and he's brought it in. Look, there it is on the floor!
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: well, there's no daycare
12PM Those Are Real?
Account rep: Is this other elevator still broken?
Receptionist: Correct.
Account rep: But, but, isn't that, like, a fire hazard?
Receptionist: Um, see those signs that say 'In case of fire, do not use elevators'?
Account rep: Oh. Right.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: glad she's not a firefighter
11AM I'm Just Trying to Be Polite
Hardhat #1 yelling to buddy in crane: How'd you get to be so tall?
Hardhat #2: Insanity.
Hardhat #1: Shamu?
Hardhat #2: No -- insanity.
Hardhat #1: I can't hear anything down here.
University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, Arkansas
10AM Help Me, Champollion, You're My Only Hope!
Boss: Dude, your plan should be clearly stated on your bill.
Angry employee: Have you seen an ABC Wireless* bill? It's like the Rosetta Stone fucked a coked-up prostitute and out came my bill.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
9AM He Was Talking Slowly because He Thinks Americans Are Stupid
Assistant to receptionist: Remember that phone call you transferred to me earlier? The guy you thought was drunk? Turned out he was just Canadian.
Reston, Virginia
5PM Just to Bachelorette Parties
New assistant on phone: Hang on, I have to look up our address... Well, I've never had to mail myself to work.
Renaissance Center
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: JuJu
4PM We Figured You Upgraded from Food Crumbs
Male coworker covered in cardboard: Thanks for telling me I've been walking around with box all over my chest.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: K-Slim
3PM Sleepy? Blitzen? Buckwheat?
Sarge: Is Posh gonna be there?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Sporty?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Spunky?
Office peon: That's not a Spice Girl!
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
2PM Help Yourself to a Sandwich While You're Down There
Receptionist on phone: Look under my dress. There should be paper and a pen.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Liz
1PM And Nobody Will Talk about Building 231
Intern: You'd expect building 233 to be right next to 230, but 230 is, like, totally inside and 233 is totally, like, right here.
NASA Ames Research Center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
12PM Addictive and Bad for Your Teeth
Editor #1: I've developed a really bad habit.
Editor #2: What?
Editor #1: A can of Mountain Dew in the afternoon.
Editor #2: Be careful -- Mountain Dew is the crystal meth of sodas.
770 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fax Machine
11AM I Can Turn This Single into One If You Have a Paint Pen
Receptionist: No, cash or check only. [Student reveals he only has nine dollars.] Hm. Do you have a 10-dollar bill?
UMW Student Accounts Office
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Guillermo
10AM He's Modeled after That Guy from Chasing Amy
Peon #1: Where's Kevin* today?
Peon #2: What is it, Thursday? Guess it depends on whether he's black or gay today.
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
9AM Free Will in the Delivery Room
Coworker, about a newborn: Then her husband cut the Biblical cord...
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
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