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5PM Dr. Strangelove Left Out That Part
Receptionist #1: Well, it's not like you need the money.
Receptionist #2: I could use it, though...
Receptionist #1: But it's, like, life-threatening surgery.
Receptionist #2: It's life-threatening? [Receptionist #1 answers phone.] It's life-threatening?!
Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubiclelove
4PM How to Come Out to Your Parents in One Easy Step
Little boy to mom: You know what I like to suck?
Clothing store, Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ohgodmustn'tsayanything
3PM But I'm in My Foxhole!
Engineer to another: Well, if you're out of ammunition, then you must be an atheist.
2400 Congress Street
Portland, Oregon
2PM I Told Them They Needed to Get at Least Four More or They'd Be Fired
Chick on cell: So, I'm clearing room in the back for more stock, and those fuckers have a case of beer back there...
Mall
Burnaby, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Christmas shopper wanted to know what store she works at...
1PM Has Also Locked Herself Inside It
Temp at day's end finding her car's been running since lunch: Oh, my! I must have forgotten again!
Sweeten Creek Road
Asheville, North Carolina
12PM ... The Filly's Skedaddled
Cube rat: Well, yeah, but by the time I get my chaps on... You know...
5700 Thurston Avenue
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: never wanna see that
11AM He Knows the Geography of the Starship Enterprise Perfectly
Tech support guy: So, your city is spelled C-A-M-B-R-I-D-G-E?
Office girl: Yes, that's correct.
Tech support guy: And your state is M-A, for Miami, right?
Office girl: Um, well, yes -- M-A is right...
1033 Mass Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Isn't That an Adam Sandler Movie?
Coworker #1, shadowboxing and humming: Dom, duh-duh, dom.
Coworker #2: Are you singing Eye of the Tiger?
Coworker #1: No, I am singing Rocky.
Coworker #2: But that is Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: Are you sure? I thought it was Rocky.
Coworker #2: No, it's Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: What movie was that?
Coworker #2: Are you a moron?
1160 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Get Sober, Write a Book, Yada Yada Yada
Office grunt: These days if you don't find your passion as a kid you'll end up a drug addict.
250 West 54th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: jillysays
5PM I'll Refer You to the Hackers' Bible...
IT guy: I don't know about your god, but my god says it's okay.
Stamford, Connecticut
4PM Worth a Lot of Money on the Right Japanese Website
Coworker #1, whose initials don't include 'P': Oh, that personalized stationery set is a really nice gift. I'd take it, except it's got 'P' on it.
Coworker #2: It's got pee on it?!
South Austin, Texas
Overheard by: uncle eddie
3PM Where the Money Was
Cube dweller on phone: Hi, boss, we just got robbed!
Manager: Oh my god! Where?
Parade
Suva
Fiji
Overheard by: Siti
2PM That Thing Filled Up Years Ago!
European boss: Okay, James* -- make reservations for us at the Mayflower.
American lab member #1: What? The Mayflower?
European boss: Yes, isn't that what we decided?
American lab member #1: You mean the Wildflower?
European boss: Yeah, the Mayflower.
American lab member #2: The Wildflower, not the Mayflower.
European boss: Right, right. Wait... What is the Mayflower? Oh, yeah, that boat.
Clinical Sciences research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM The Zen Oven Is Generally Low-Maintenance
Manager on phone with refrigeration company: That oven that never comes on but is always on? It didn't come on.
Answering service: Would you please repeat that?
Manager: You know, that oven that never comes on but is always on? Well, it didn't come on.
Answering service: Thank you, sir. I'll let the service rep know.
Restaurant, Slide Road and Loop 289
Lubbock, Texas
12PM We've Already Got the Pooper-Scoopers
Coworker #1: Actually, John* had this idea that all of us who have young kids should bring them into the office one day a week.
Coworker #2: Yeah, that's a good idea. I mean, we have dogs in the office, so I don't see why we can't have children, too!
Hospital
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM We Know a Lot of Places Where It Isn't, So We're Making Progress
Supervisor: Did you find that part?
Coworker: No.
Supervisor: Well, where is it?
Flagstaff, Arizona
Overheard by: Jimmy
10AM The Less I Know about Christmas, the Better
Blonde desk assistant: When is Christmas this year?
Editor: Tuesday, I think.
Blonde desk assistant: No, I mean what day? Like, the 25th?
Editor: Um... Yeah. The 25th.
Blonde desk assistant: But I thought that was Christmas Eve! When is Christmas Eve, then? [Editor stares.] Give me a break -- I'm a Jew.
TV station broadcast center
New York, New York
Overheard by: News Bunny
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
5PM I Mean, I Don't Think So...
Office grunt #1: Hey! So, you're back in the office, eh? Where were you last week?
Office grunt #2: Oh, I was in Guatemala.
Office grunt #1: Really? In Europe?
Office grunt #2: No.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Anonymous
4PM It Says, "If I See You I Will Kill You"
Admin: I am going to heaven!
Boss: What makes you think that?
Admin: I wrote my brother a letter.
Boss: How long has he been in jail?
Admin: Two years, and I have not spoken to him since my friend got killed.
Boss: Sooo, you think because you wrote him a letter you are going to heaven? Do you forgive him?
Admin: Hell no! If I see him, I will kill him. But I wrote him a letter!
Dallas, Texas
3PM The Odds Are Against It
Customer: Do you guys have any rooms available?
Front desk: No, sir. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out. If you like, I can give you the number of a few hotels in the area that have availability.
Customer, leaving and giving the finger: Does it look like I have a goddamn phone on me?
Front desk: I'd be more than happy to call them for you, sir.
Customer: Fuck you.
Front desk: Okay, sir. Have a wonderful night.
Elmira, New York
2PM Unless It's Bait, Sucker!
Student to another, after grabbing cookie from unattended table: What?! They left them out! That's like leaving food out and not expecting the rats to come!
University
Prince George, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM It Comes and Goes
Patient: I'm worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it?
Portland, Oregon
12PM Honestly, Such a Fuss about Comma Faults
Editor to another: You're killing me. Why don't you just cover yourself with tapioca and let the birds eat you?
Beaumont, Texas
11AM I Bet I Can Locate the Dimmest One in the Store
Customer: Could you tell me where the Amaryllis bulbs are?
Clerk #1: Hey, do you know where we keep the bulbs?
Clerk #2: I think they're on Aisle Four -- y'know, with the other electrical stuff.
Clerk #1, to customer: Did you check there? That's where we keep the bulbs.
Customer: No, no, no -- they're flowers! Do you have any?
Clerk #1: Well, I'm pretty sure we've got bulbs. Did you need a three-way one, or a regular one? You should check on Aisle Four, then.
1690 Grande Avenue
Arroyo Grande, California
Overheard by: Blue
10AM Impossible? Cockatoos Taught Mary Hart to Talk
Woman on phone: Raised by dogs?! That's impossible! Isn't it? ... Wait, was it Entertainment Tonight? ... That's impossible!
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Goueznou
9AM Those're the Odds When Your Best Customer's Layla
Employee #1, getting up: Stupid customers...
Employee #2: Yeah, they always come when you're on your knees.
Fast food place
Carlingford
Australia
5PM I Will Cease Moving My Mouth and Release This Button Now
Employee over intercom: Stan*, please come to the office for food consumption.
Drug store
Wood River, Illinois
4PM And Apparently Neither Do You
Teacher: That's an interesting tattoo, Jacob*!
Student #1: Thanks.
Teacher: Are you like the tattooed man from The Great Gatsby?
Student #2, after long pause: Yo, we don't read!
High school
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
3PM They're Not the Brightest Neon Lights in the Casino
Cocktail waitress #1: What's a late-term abortion?
Cocktail waitress #2: I'm not sure, but I think it's when you have an abortion when the baby's being born.
Cocktail waitress #1: Ew! They can do that?! [A few minutes later] Where is Washington state?
Cocktail waitress #2: I think it's near Seattle...
Cocktail waitress #1: You think they meant to say 'Washington, DC'?
Cocktail waitress #2: I don't know, but that's pretty dumb of them if they did mean DC. People can get confused, you know?
Hotel and casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: HannA
2PM I'm Just Here for the Drinking
Student: Can I get a list of people who write theses?
Receptionist: You mean, the list of typists?
Student: No, I want the list of people who'll write my thesis for me.
California
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
12PM I Don't Have a Copy of His Résumé, Either
Applicant: I don't have a copy of my résumé. A dog threw up on my laptop.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
11AM Gotta Unpack the Suitcase or Your Clothes Get Musty
Hot intern #1: You know why I love wearing miniskirts on Mondays?
Hot intern #2: Maybe. Why?
Hot intern #1: Because I can air things out after a weekend of hard work.
Hot intern #2: Oh, hey, I wonder if that would work for me...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting any
10AM It Only Solves the Back End of the Problem
Engineer #1: Why on Earth do we have to use this?
IT worker: We're committed to using our own solution.
Engineer #1: Yeah, I understand the dog food rationale.
Engineer #2: The problem is that it's not dog food. It's kitty litter.
401 Elliott Avenue West
Seattle, Washington
9AM The Way Hamsters Eat While They Nap
Woman #1: Oh my god! My husband sent me three dozen roses for no reason!
Woman #2: Wow, someone really wants a blowjob.
Boss: Hey, you can't say 'blowjob'! We have young interns working here!
Woman #2: Are you serious? Those intern sluts give blowjobs in their sleep.
New Jersey
5PM Britney Mix-a-Lot Needed a Lot of Therapy
Coworker: My daughter tried on a pair of pants this weekend. She asked me if her butt looked too big, because if it didn't, she needed a smaller size.
56 Haddon Avenue
Haddonfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jane
4PM Why Marijuana Home-Delivery Services So Often Fail
CSR: So, what city in Philadelphia are we doing the pickup?
Everett, Massachusetts
Overheard by: OK, I feel smarter now.
3PM So Anyway, Mom Had a Stroke
Fat black girl: My mom -- she's bein' so damn nosy. Yesterday she says, 'V, tell me something I don't know about you!'
Fat white girl: So, what'd you say?
Fat black girl: I said, 'I like it in the ass! That shit is wonderful.'
Fat white girl: Hahaha, oh my god. Wait, how is that her being nosy?
Fat black girl: Well, it's what she get. She didn't know it; now she does. Serve her right for askin'.
Clothing store, 4500 North Oracle Road
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: i just wanted to shop
2PM Linnaeus Is Rolling Over in His Grave
Working girl #1: So, I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo of dolphins around my belly button.
Working girl #2: But if you get pregnant, won't they look like... whales?
Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
1PM ... When We Started Getting Letter Grades
Consultant: I was a straight-A student until fourth grade.
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Adam
12PM ... Delicious, but Deadly
Cube dweller: Zebrafish! Liquid nitrogen!
Business affairs office
Oregon
Overheard by: research sounds like fun
11AM More of a Pamphlet, Really
Tester: I'm reading this book that will teach you all the Italian you'll ever need to visit Canada!
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Make Sure They Put It in a Box
Pizza worker: Hello, XYZ Pizza* -- will this be for pick up or delivery?
Customer: Delivery, but we will come in to pay for it.
Pizza worker: Pardon me? Do you want your order delivered or will you pick it up?
Customer, to someone in background: Do you want to just pick the food up if we are going in there anyways? [Into phone] I guess we will pick the food up.
Lackawanna, New York
9AM You Know the Feeling When You Lean Back Too Far in Your Chair?
Boss: I'm trying to figure out how to explain this in terms that you can understand.
Jane*: I think I get what you're trying to say.
Male peon #1: I think I also understand what you're trying to say.
Male peon #2: Me, too.
Boss: Let me put it this way: let's all imagine that Jane is at the OB/GYN...
Response Road
Sacramento, California
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