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5PM Why Larry Got the Shaft
Branch manager looking for small, hand-held calculator: I need one of those hand jobs in the lobby.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
4PM Someone Typing with One Hand
Marketing guy: Who printed all of these David Hasselhoff pictures?
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
3PM I Wanted to Talk to the Organized Crime Strike Force First
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that's who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
2PM What about Hawaii?
Teacher-in-training #1: Did you know Alaska isn't an island?
Teacher-in-training #2: Um... Yes...
Teacher-in-training #1: Oh. 'Cause I just found out yesterday.
Lansing, Michigan
1PM Enough to Make a Raft and Sail to New Zealand
Worker bee: I've got a carton of condoms. Do you think that will be enough?
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: Rachelle
12PM Or Until the Ninth Month, in My Case
Preggers peon: You know, people only think you're pregnant for nine months, but it's really ten because you don't know you're pregnant for the first month.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mic all
11AM And We've Already Been Picked Up by Spike TV
Office grunt: ... So then I said, 'Bill*, just throw a bunch of monkeys in a container and have them eat all the bananas.'
1111 Broadway
Oakland, California
10AM Get Me Two Pirates!
CSR: I need, like, four more arms and three more eyeballs. That way I could do more than one thing at a time.
Tempe, Arizona
9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail
Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.
District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM You Mean the Planter?
Blonde salesgirl on phone with IT: My computer is not working.
IT guy: Did you plug everything in right?
Blonde salesgirl: Yes! Of course! The light is on, but nothing's happening. [IT guy goes to her office, bends over, presses power button and walks out.] But the light was on!
IT guy: That's your screen. The computer is the big box on the floor.
Office, Meilleur Street
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: ID-10-T
4PM The Sacrifice of the Mascot
Office grunt #1: Isn't there some word for that sort of recursive image? Like the pig who's about to eat a piece of bacon, or the chicken with a bucket of KFC under her arm?
Office grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traipsing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Office grunt #1: Oh, yeah!
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
3PM Exactly Why I Asked
Passenger: What time does the five o'clock bus leave?
Bus driver, sarcastically: I don't know.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Another bus driver
2PM You Harvard Grads Always Ask the Important Questions
Office peon: How many wheels does an 18-wheeler have?
Boss: Let me see your résumé again.
1212 Klockner Road
Gordonsville, Virginia
Overheard by: the office linebacker
1PM Yeah, We Can Feel the Breeze
Nurse: I have unusually large labia.
Other nurses: Ummm...
Hospital
New Hampshire
Overheard by: I Don't
12PM More Than You Get Most Days
Receptionist #1: What's the forecast for next Sunday?
Receptionist #2: Sixty-nine and sunny.
Receptionist #1: Sixty-nine? That's all I get for my birthday?
221 Longwood Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Don't Forget Your Pooping Aspirations
Employee #1: There was a mouse in the hall. Did you kill it?
Employee #2: No, it's just an animal. All it wants to do is find food and propagate the species.
Employee #3: Kind of like me.
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Loki
10AM And How Much for Illumination?
Sales guy on phone with admin: Is the printer still down? Mm-hmmm. Well, if I needed something printed today, could you, like, hand-print it or something? Mm-hmmm. I see. Okay, thanks.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Myra Makes a Counterintelligence Breakthrough
Girl on cell: Don't worry, I Photoshopped my moles off, so the boobs are unidentifiable.
Main Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
5PM I Get the Deduction -- That's What Counts
Cashier to customer #1: Awww, how cute! Is he your son?
Customer #2: No, he's my son.
Cashier, pointing to customer #1: Are you sure? He looks like his son!
Government building
Washington, DC
4PM An International Passport Breakfast, Please
Waitress: How are you doing today, sir?
Man: I'm on work release.
Waitress, suddenly nervous: Oh... okay. I'll be right back.
Pancake house
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: Rachel
3PM I'd Like to Pay for It with Monopoly Money
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
2PM That's Not What They're Telling Us at Home
Lieutenant: I'm so cooold!
Major: There's a black fleece over there.
Lieutenant: I prefer to tough it out.
Major: Relax! It's not war.
Camp Arifjan
Kuwait
1PM Hey, One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure
Coworker #1: Do you want to see my diamond?
Coworker #2: That's not a diamond -- that's your camel toe!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: i got a million of them....
12PM I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?
Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?
Secretary #2: No, why?
Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.
278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York
11AM This Is Exactly How Patrick Stewart Got Started, I Swear
Producer on phone with actor she wants to put in taco suit: We're a little ways from Shakespeare in the Park, I know...
110 Leroy Street
New York, New York
10AM The Drugs Help
Receptionist: I'm sorry ma'am, but that offer expired over a month ago -- we can't honor it.
Biotech: Oh, I'm sorry, but when you've got a real job, it's hard to get out sometimes.
Receptionist: Hmmm... Well, when you work two jobs and go to college full-time, sometimes it's hard to put up with idiots.
Rivertown Parkway
Grandville, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
5PM Yeah, but My Head's Not Full Yet
Office girl #1: I want to start reading more books.
Office girl #2: Didn't you just read yesterday?
11940 Jollyville Road
Austin, Texas
4PM And Its Regrettable Attendant Closeness
Graphics supervisor: They talked about touching.
7th and Flower Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Spongegirl
3PM Everyone Else Was Afraid of Heights
Proud boss, hands on hips: I got a call from my wife today. I'm going to be Jesus Christ tomorrow in my church play!
Nashua, New Hampshire
Overheard by: freakazoid
2PM I Myself Am a Pepperoni-American
Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot... It's more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.
1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter
1PM What Are You Getting At?
Nurse: How much do you weigh these days?
Patient: A hundred twenty-one pounds.
Nurse: And the scale you are using is accurate?
Doctor's office
Connecticut
12PM Where Peek Freans Come From
Cube monkey: My brain is unlike that of any mortal! It consists of witchcraft, spells, and ideas for pastries that the world has yet to see!
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
11AM Built-in Redundancies
Professor: I remember that wonderful object my mother used to stick in me. [Class is silent for a moment, then hysterical.] The thermometer! One up top and one in [motions to his ass]!
Aurora, Illinois
10AM Okay Fine, It Was Paperwork, Okay?
Delivery guy: When I got out of the Air Force I thought I was done with paperwork, but it looks like I'm destined to do paperwork.
Receptionist, uninterested: Oh, really?
Delivery guy: Yeah, but most of my time in the Air Force I can't talk about.
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: It's top secret stuff.
Receptionist: Oh, okay.
Delivery guy: Can't talk about it.
Receptionist: So don't.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Waby
9AM Like My Wedding
IT guy: Someone better jump out of a cake later and scream, 'Gender surprise'!
Silverlake, California
5PM Plus, It's Harder to Steal Stuff and Get Away with It
Database admin #1: Well, this is a good place to work. You can really learn a lot here...
Database admin #2: Unlike a shop where everything's automated and running smoothly -- a place like that, something goes down, you just execute a stored procedure and you don't have to know what it does.
Database admin #1: Yeah, you don't want to work in a place where everything's well-managed and actually works.
Database admin #2: Yeah! You won't learn anything that way!
80 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: The Nerd Whisperer
4PM Just Demonstrate While I Take Photos
Woman holding inhaler: So I just cock it and suck on it?
Nurse: You might not want to put it just that way.
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Except the Lasagna, Which Gives Her Gas
Office grunt: Yeah, my daughter loves it over there in Japan. She just loves eating the Chinese food.
Main Street
Munhall, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wait your intern
2PM My Way of Getting to Third Base
Coworker #1: Snogging is heavily kissing... Not getting to third base.
Coworker #2: Oh. I thought snogging was a kind of drink.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle
1PM She Just Can't Drive for the Hoop Now That She's Pregnant
Sensitive soul: She's gotten heavier, so now I can beat her.
Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
12PM It's a Hot-Button Issue for Elephant-Americans
Cube dweller #1: You like chunky peanut butter, don't you?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I do.
Cube dweller #1: Pervert.
135 East 57th Street
New York, New York
11AM I Study Marital and Martial Arts
Receptionist: If he does that shit again I'm going to tie his ass hairs together and kick him in the shin.
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: buenisima
10AM There's a Very Long List of Things You Can't Imagine
Girl in breakroom avoiding meeting: Ugh! I can't imagine anything worse than doing conference calls all day.
Girl reading Maus, Part II: [Stares.]
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: I love Frenchie
9AM Do You Really Want to Go There, Madame Days-of-the-Week?
Female manager to frustrated sales rep: Just put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Business owner, over her shoulder: Oh, oh! Stern words from Miss Kello-Kitty-pants!
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
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