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5PM I Hear Anthrax Gets You High before It Kills You
Mail pusher #1: What do you think is in this little box?
Mail pusher #2: I don't know... Maybe envelopes?
Mail pusher #3: Or maybe it's uncooked crack!
9201 University City Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Datgurl49
4PM How Do You Feel about a Bandolier Cummerbund?
Office grunt: Now, you know they make them tuxedos with the camouflage vests... Them thangs is sharp!
Anniston, Alabama
3PM Because I Have Other Things That Need Doing
Worker bee quoting a customer: I have a file that's labeled 'Read only.' Does that mean I can only read the file?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: quiet1
2PM Honey, I'll Be Late Tonight -- Marketing the Firm Again
Owner: What kinds of social situations can you use to help market our firm?
Peon #1: I meet lots of guys at the bars and give them my cards -- especially those in the construction fields.
Peon #2, as others laugh: He didn't ask how you picked up men.
Peon #3: Is that why we never get any new projects?
Lincolnshire, Illinois
Overheard by: glad it wasn't me
1PM First, They Walk into a Bar
Suit: So, your friend is Puerto Rican and he's donating a kidney to a Jew? How can they do that?
California Street
San Francisco, California
12PM Why Do You Need To Know?
Sales guy: You know how people talk about the world-wide web? The Internet? How would you spell that? W-E-B?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Poor Little Tommy Was Spontaneously Digested on Stage
Worker bee: Well, there were enzymes in the ham costume...
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: busy like a bee
10AM The Only Way He Can Be Watched
Busser: I'm working for Bob* tonight.
Manager #1: You smell like pot, man. You're not working.
Manager #2: It's three in the afternoon. What time did you get high?
Busser: When's Maury on?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM 8 Heads in a Duffel Baguette
Peon #1, talking about proposed ad: Show the guys driving home too quickly and then getting decapitated because they're driving their car too fast. That's entertainment.
Peon #2: That's not good. I'm thinking that's not selling sandwiches.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: one smelly idiot
5PM Now, Does Jesus Say That Every Time We Have Communion?
Crazy ER patient: I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord!
Monotone nurse #1, taking vitals: Blood pressure, 150 over 80... Pulse, 110.
Nurse #2: Yes, yes, but does he believe in the Lord?
Monotone nurse #1: Haha. Hold him. [Jabs crazy patient with a needle.]
Crazy ER patient: I believe in-- Aaauuugh! You bitch!
Nurse #2: What about the Lord?
Crazy ER patient: Auuugh! Stop taking my blood, you bitch!
Colorado
Overheard by: TK
4PM So "Demented Old Crab" Is Your Diagnosis?
Social worker on phone: No! Stay away from that negative force. She is a demented old crab! Okay, I love you, too. Drive safe. And remember -- no crabs. And pick up some Vonnegut now that he's dead.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
3PM "You Are Beautiful in a Way That's Unfamiliar to Me" Would Be Okay
Financial analyst: Guys will say, 'Oh, Asian women are so exotic,' like we're a commodity. I'm not a rug!
Wall Street
New York, New York
2PM As Long As He Stays Dead and All
Guy: I always say, "To each his own."
Girl: But what about Hitler? Would you say that about Hitler?
Guy: Well, if Hitler's happy doing what he's doing...
2375 Main Mall, University of British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM I'll Just Put on My Earflap Hat
Worker bee: Will this be in Canadian or English?
100 Centre Drive
Austin, Texas
12PM She's Been Practicing in Front of the Mirror
Sales guy: What are you two up to?
Systems admin: Nothing. We're being facetious.
Sales chick: Wow, that's a big word for Erin*. I'm not sure she used it correctly, though.
Sales guy: We'll give her an A for effort, though.
Systems admin, skipping: I said 'facetious,' I said 'facetious'!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM The Papers Are Still on Us about the Picnic
Boss: I don't want it turning into a mega gangbang.
226 Penarth Road
Cardiff
UK
10AM What God Said, after Creating the Earth
Priest: ... And, as always, during the collection-- Is there anyone to do the collection? Lock the doors -- nobody gets out.
2026 Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
9AM Health Care! Get Over Here!
Black server: I named my baby Cartier.
Timid white server: Oh, yeah?
Black server: My sister named her little girl Lexus Tiara.
Timid white server: Oh, yeah?
Ghetto white server: They always name they babies after shit they can't afford!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Lady peon #1: I just got out of de-tox ...
Lady peon #2: Oh, yeah? Which one this time?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Chuck
4PM Drool on My Salad and Die
Trendy vegan worker: What's that smell? Is someone cooking bacon?
Coworker: There's some in my salad.
Trendy vegan worker: That's so odd. I never even liked bacon, but it smells so good! It's making me horny!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Thanks to Compressed-World Technology
Receptionist #1: I can't believe I'll be in England next week. I think we might drive to Australia, too -- they have better beaches.
Receptionist #2: Is that far?
Receptionist #1: No, I think it's a two-hour drive from here.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Not Even Kidding
2PM And All of My Hose Jokes Were Already Exhausted
Older lady on phone: I don't have any gorillas today! (Pause) No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny.
Hose parts corporate office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Hiding in my cube
1PM Which We Do, Since We Voted for Bush in 2004
Partner to associates at attorney meeting: Billable hours are down for the year. Based on what we've billed so far, we have approximately four attorneys too many... assuming people are fungible.
Indianapolis, Indiana
12PM Abe: Nah, That's a Poser Shirt
Cube rat #1, wearing white dress shirt: Too bad Abe's* out today. He'd compliment me on my gangsta shirt.
Cube rat #2: What's so gangsta about it?
Cube rat #1: I just know Abe. He'd say, 'That's a gangsta shirt!' Too bad I wore it and he isn't here to see.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Diablo
11AM I've Always Wanted to Try the Meat Outside the Bread
Manager: Ben*, do you want a badly made sandwich?
Employee: How badly made?
Manager: Badly.
Employee: Yeah!
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'm fine thanks
10AM He's Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion
Man in armchair, to no one: You're always fuckin' starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I'm not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I'm sick... Read a goddamn newspaper! There's child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they're fighting over her baby, and you tell me I'm sick?!
Book store
Greece, New York
Overheard by: confused reader
9AM Could I Have Some Privacy?
Boss eating old almonds: Oh... God... I feel like I'm eating from a squirrel's ass.
Goderich
Ontario
Canadia
5PM Why Barry Got the Freudian Pink-Slip
Peon: Uh, Jim*, do you have anywhere I can put a floppy dick? ... Uh... Disk?
Jim: Niiice.
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: defragment my hard-drive
4PM If You're Going to Disrespect Authority, Don't Leave Witnesses
Assistant: I don't know if you want to give him a call or not.
Boss #1: What happened?
Assistant: He mouthed off to a cop.
Boss #1: Sounds like Eric*.
Boss #2: Eric didn't mouth off to a cop.
Boss #1: I thought he did.
Boss #2: No, he ran over a cop. There's a big difference between running a cop over and mouthing off to one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: can't make it up
3PM Thank You, Mr. Snitcherson -- I'll Take It from Here
Male student entering Principal's office: Someone's been gluing pennies to the urinal again!
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
2PM Kirstie Alley? Definitely Drunk Right Now
Lady #1: ... But he's drunk all the time.
Lady #2: Everyone's drunk all the time. I might be drunk right now!
8140 Lehigh Avenue
Morton Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Amanda
1PM Precious Little of That at My House
Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?
Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.
Female coworker: Pity. I came in this morning sniffing around for the smell of pussy and latex.
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
12PM For Some Reason, I Picture Debra Winger in This Role
Coworker: I'm lucky I wasn't raised by my mother. I'd have turned out a total slut. She'd wear high heels to her job at the sawmill.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Innocent Bystander
11AM But Everybody Calls Him Davy
Coworker: Does any other Daves work here?
Dave: No. Except for Dave.
Book store
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: We also have three Ashleys, three Michaels and two Clints!
10AM I've Seen a Grown Man Unravel Like a Sweater
Male suit: You and your va-jay-jay...
Lady suit: Yeah, so? Guys are obsessed with their dicks. -- I'm just protective of my va-jay-jay.
Male suit: That's 'cause it's just out there hanging around -- anything could just snag it! At least yours is tucked away.
Lady suit: Anything could snag it? Oh my god. Like a hang nail?!
Male suit: Yes.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Which Have Their Own Fan Base
Sales girl: Gérard Depardieu has weird balls.
Abbot Kinney
Venice, New York
5PM The Church Watches Priests Closely These Days
Serious suit on cell: If he does that then he's going to have to give up the hookers and drugs, and I am not kidding.
San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Going Into Politics?
4PM We Look Forward to Serving You, Governor Schwarzenegger
Hotel guest: I started taking that Trimspa about a month ago. I haven't lost any weight, but my chest is huge!
State and Division Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara G
3PM Only Slightly Worse Than Creamed Chipped Beef
Worker bee #1: My love doesn't spread well.
Worker bee #2: Really?
Worker bee #1: Yeah, I tried it on toast once.
5100 South Mopac Expressway
Austin, Texas
2PM Ask Your Friends Who Watch Grey's Anatomy
Woman on cell: Remember when she saw those two dead bodies? No, Denny is the tall one.
Merced Mall
Merced, California
Overheard by: I work there
1PM And Don't Even Get Me Started on Latex Blends
CSR: Don't you slide out of leather easier than cloth?
Hammarlund Way
Middletown, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Weasal whisperer
12PM When You Get Vestibular Guacamole, Don't Come Crying to Me
Girl on phone: It's like, 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,' but in your case, 'A burrito, a burrito, the health of my inner ear for a burrito.' It's truly sad.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Have Your Card, Mistress Chaos
Office chick: I'm the coordinator for that program, so just holler if you get all tied up and need me to solicit someone for you.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Don't pick me
10AM ... And Called Out of Work Lucid
Cashier to friend: One morning I woke up sober...
Clothing store
Houston Street
New York, New York
9AM Your Love Is Only a Tragic Illusion. Questions?
CSR: Good morning. ABC Bank* -- how can I help you?
Customer: I'd like to talk to the person who answers the phones after hours -- y'know, the 24-hour line?
CSR: The 24-hour line is automated, but I can put you through to--
Customer: --No, no, no. I want to talk to the lady who answers the phone when you're closed.
CSR: Oh, see, that's not an employee. It's a recording.
Customer: What? No. See, I spoke to her three times last night and she knows my situation, so I need her. Is she there during the day?
CSR: ... Sir, it's not a real person. It's a recording [hangs up].
Decatur, Tennessee
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