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5PM We Don't Allow Any Outside Food or Textbooks in Our Establishment
Employee: Welcome to ABC Theaters*. What can I do for you today?
Collegiate: Do you have a student discount?
Employee: I'm sorry, sir, ABC does not believe in education.
299 Swannanoa River Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Got my GED
4PM Nixed Greens
Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really... I was just being courteous.
North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan
3PM Go to Easy Street and Make a U-Turn
Drone #1: I hate moving. My stuff's everywhere. I'm living in squalor!
Drone #2: I don't know where that is.
Glen Lake Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: sladeripfire
2PM I Refuse to Look and I Refuse to Say
Female coworker to male coworker: Do these pants make me look like I have a penis?
Lisbon Street
Lewiston, Maine
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
12PM Next Time, Aim Lower Than a Police Car
Woman on phone: What do you mean, you never thought you would get caught in a stolen car?!
Columbia Business Park
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
9AM Go Go Gadget Fake-Smile!
Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!
620 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
5PM Could You Just Stop Talking about Centimeters?
Exec assistant: Fuckin' pregnant chicks...
Preggers: I didn't even get you wet!
Waterloo
Canadia
4PM Somebody's Gotta Do It If We're Gonna Eat 'Em
Tester #1: Don't mess with me like that. I'm cracked out on Vitamin C.
Tester #2: You know, too much Vitamin C makes you itch. Itch like crazy. Itchy scratchy.
Tester #1: Who told you that?
Tester #2: My grandma.
Tester #1: Didn't your grandma kill chickens?
Tester #2: That's beside the point.
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
3PM "Real" Means Different Things to Different People
Trekkie coworker: Dude, at the convention they had light sabers for sale for two hundred dollars.
Bored coworker: So?
Trekkie coworker: They were just plastic, they weren't even real!
County Road 427
Auburn, Indiana
Overheard by: Doesn't have a real light saber either
2PM ...Which, Thanks to Lawrence V. Texas, I Can Finally Come Out and Say
Female engineer: I need to hear some boy bands.
Male coworker: Like 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Backdoor Boys.
Female engineer: I love back-door boys.
Airport Rd
Mansfield Texas
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM ...There Is Prune Juice in Dr. Pepper
Boss: In my opinion, which is 100% correct...
Prague
Czech Republic
11AM Chinese Hamster Gynecologists?
Minion: Do you seriously want to go off on a Chinese hamster ovary tangent? I mean, who gives a crap?
1959 NE Pacific Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: snickerpants
10AM Went Right Through a Stop Sign
Clerk #1: Sorry, I'm a little dyslexic.
Clerk #2: My dog died of dyslexia!
1901 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Office Droid
9AM MacGyver: After Hours
Supervisor: Well, if that's the case, all I need is a panda, a gun, and a bottle of wine.
Naperville, Illinois
5PM Except for This Incubus Growing Inside Me
Coworker: Are you okay?
Pregnant woman having contraction: Nothing fell out, so I'm good.
Navy yard
Washington, DC
4PM Can We Rinse Our Minds before Continuing This?
Elevator girl: I rode in the weenie mobile last night!
Elevator guy: Is that a euphemism?
Elevator girl: No! He really came! Oh...
Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
3PM I Think You'll Like the Results
Boss : What is that red thing on top of a rooster's head called? I can't find a description anywhere on the Internet.
Employee: Just Google 'cock' and 'diagram.'
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Sailorette
2PM It Bubbled a Little and Then Burned
Business architect: I felt the difference once it was in my mouth!
120 Fairview Park
Virginia
1PM Or Sticking It Up Your Nose
Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn't work, try licking it.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM I Was Like, "Cut the Cord Already, Chewbacca"
Girl #1: So I was about to put my tongue in...
Girl #2: Ew, was it hairy?
Girl #1: Yeah, but his mom called, so I didn't have to.
College office
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: uh...
11AM None of Your Trendy Rat Milk for Me
Designer: I just don't trust anything that doesn't come out of a cow!
Newspaper
Melbourne
Australia
10AM But He's Buying All the Missiles We Sell, So Who Cares?
Sales guy: He was from another country. A made-up country, though.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Wait, No - That's Why I'm Afraid of Fire
Woman: You know I'm afraid of birds, don't you? It's because of that movie and the time my mother burned down a gas station.
Cal State Northridge
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
5PM Who Encouraged William Shatner to Make a Children's CD Anyway?
Annoyed peon: None of it rhymes! He rhymes 'lizards' with 'chinchillas' and 'dogs' with 'scorpions.'
101 2nd Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pinup
4PM Bad Enough We Never Mastered Central Heating
Trainee: Would you mind closing that window? The cold air is making my skin peel off.
London
England
3PM See, Isn't This Better Than the Lincoln Memorial?
Enthusiastic teen boy: This is the Borders where Teddy got his handjob!
Washington, DC
2PM And the Stamina to Keep It Running?
Old boss: I used to do bad things, you know.
Young employee: Really?! Yeah, right.
Old boss: Yeah, like dealing coke. How do you think we got the money to start this place?
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM You're on Thin, Black Ice
White grunt #1: I'm going to the deli. You guys want anything?
Black grunt: I'll wait till lunch.
White grunt #2: Can you spot me a cup of coffee? This time with cream and sugar?
White grunt #1: I thought you were a black man.
White grunt #2: I am a black man.
Black grunt: Shit.
New York, New York
12PM How International Incidents Begin
Maintenance guy #1 on cell: Hello? Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Si. Sure, okay [hangs up].
Maintenance guy #2: Who was that?
Maintenance guy #1: I don't know -- some Mexican dude. He was talking Spanish and I just agreed with him. I think it was a wrong number.
7160 Riverwood Drive
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: Bored Receptionist
11AM Have You Been Suffering from Delusions of Heterosexuality?
Semi-boss: No, I mean, I just misspelled every single word and, like, inverted letters and stuff.
Assistant: Maybe your hands were in the wrong place on the keyboard... Or maybe you have that thing that Tom Cruise has.
Semi-boss: Scientology?
Newark, Delaware
10AM Management Zombies Also Eat the Brains of the Living
Office grunt: I don't know where he gets it from... No, wait, I know where he gets it from -- he sucks the energy of others.
Software office
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
9AM Neither -- I'm Running Ubuntu Linux
Coworker on phone: Do you have a Mac or a real computer?
Bowling Green, Ohio
5PM Are You Happy About Any of That?
Coworker: In the 30 years I've worked here, I've been married more times than I've called in sick.
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
4PM Blinded by the Lite Beer
Bearded employee: Man, I think I have beer on my glasses.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Laughing Librarian
3PM When You Get to the Skin, Stop!
Old lady to young guy during naked model drawing class: Stop undressing her with your eyes!
553 Aspicuelta
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: the model
2PM I Could Let Her Hurt Feelings Control Me. But No.
Coworker #1, distraught: I'm leaving now. I probably won't be back till tomorrow.
Clueless manager: Okay, have fun! [Distraught coworker sobs and runs out.]
Coworker #2: Um... You know she's having her dog put to sleep, right?
111 Madisonville Street
Crofton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
1PM And for a Short Time, He Will Like You More
Female peon: Even if a guy doesn't like you it's still nice if you give him a blow job, right?
Male peon: Yeah, that's nice... That's reeeal nice... That's Toys-for-Tots-nice.
1200 Yankee Doodle Road
Eagan, Minnesota
12PM The Argument for Christianity, Judaism and Islam
Peon on phone: She's right that it doesn't make sense, but it's what we should do.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Ozzy Osbourne: Of All the Things I've Lost, I Miss My Schlong the Most
Front desk girl: What was that thing in the Lost Objects box?
Manager: A penis. Huge one.
Front desk girl: The maid found it in a room?
Manager: In the fridge.
Hotel
Montréal
Canadia
Overheard by: Grossed Out Customer
10AM Can't Talk. Playing Pong.
Old guy, about computer monitor: What do you all stare at on these things?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I'm Guessing the Party Was Your Idea
Worker bee #1: So, how did your party go this weekend?
Worker bee #2: It went good other than my husband didn't help very much. When I was getting everything ready, guess what he was doing?
Worker bee #1: What?
Worker bee #2: I started looking for him everywhere. Then I decided to look outside, and I caught him in the backyard jacking off.
Burnett Plaza
Ft. Worth, Texas
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