Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
5PM When Government Leads, the People Will Follow
Manager: What's this? Everyone acts stupid all of a sudden.
2300 Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM Nah, the Wisdom Of the East Side
Chinese coworker: Where did my customer go? She was there a minute ago and now she's disappeared.
White coworker: She probably went to the bathroom.
Chinese coworker: Maybe her baby was drowning in the bathroom and she had to go rescue it.
White coworker, after long pause: What the fuck is that, an old Chinese proverb?
50th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cp
3PM So Do Not Call Me
Boss pointing to bathroom stall: If you need me, I'll be in my office, haha.
Employee: Um, I'm not gonna ask you anything while you're taking a shit.
Boss: Oh, I'm not taking a shit. I'm just gonna sit in there and play Tetris on my phone.
Dexter Avenue
Seattle, Washington
2PM The Army Thanked Me for My Service and Discharged Me
IT guy: ... And then I took off all my clothes and ran at them screaming. They were shooting at me but couldn't hit me.
Tysons Corner
Virginia
1PM Someday He'll Have His Own Interns to Torment
Scientist #1 to intern, smacking him in the face with a latex glove: I challenge you to a duel! [Intern rolls his eyes and walks away.] Interns these days -- they don't have a sense of humor.
Scientist #2: Does it really matter? He could be a psycho serial killer, but as long as he does my work for me I don't really care.
701 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Just When I Learned to Tell Time, Too
Bimbette: I hate that I have to memorize a new date everyday.
Monroe and LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM I'm Wearing My Power Tights
Office dweller: Well, if I need to look more professional I'll just take off my pants.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Pandora
10AM The Fate of an Entire Ball's Trajectory Rests in His Young Hands
Outraged peon, about Phil Hughes: This kid is 21 years old! Twenty-one! What were you doing at 21? Going to class? Drinking beer? This kid has the most important job in the world... and he is only 21!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Feeling bad for others
9AM But What Do You Do Outside of Work?
Manager: So, what are your hobbies? What do you do for fun?
Newbie: I like to breed.
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
5PM Maybe I Should Go Amend Her Chart?
Grunt #1: What's wrong with Debbie*?
Grunt #2: Uh, something's wrong with the gonads on her vocal cords.
Grunt #1: You mean 'nodules'?
Grunt #2: Oh, yeah.
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: quite amused
4PM He's Getting Divorced, but Close Enough
Cop: Where's the chief?
Higher-up: He's out this week. He had surgery on Tuesday.
Cop: Oh, yeah, that's right. I heard he was having a hysterectomy.
Higher-up: Um, yeah.
Newark, Delaware
3PM If It Weren't for IBS, I'd Have No Reason to Get Up in the Morning
Designer: I'm bored and all the bathrooms are full.
605 Lakeview Drive
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: so what?
2PM Not to Get Bogged Down in Technical Lingo...
Staff doctor to resident: You did a pelvic and you didn't charge for it? Girl, if you look at the coochie you gotta charge for it!
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM But Only after Three or Four Kamikazes
Office peon: She acts like Japan!
Carnegie Center
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Did I hear that right?
12PM And Really, How Much Skin, Bone and Fur Do You Want to Eat?
Worker #1: How much fiber do you think is in a bat?
Worker #2: Not a lot.
Worker #1, surprised: Really?
Worker #2: Well... It's not like a bat is a vegetable.
Hospital
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
11AM For Once, the Shittiest Thing in Our House Isn't The L Word
Software developer to web designer: Our toilets don't flush, so we don't need cable television anymore. This is not a metaphor.
5th Avenue
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Logic Impaired
10AM But the First Step Is Not Admitting You Have a Problem
Staffer: I just left Publix and my cashier's name was Kartoon.
HR manager: Oh, yeah! My wife was telling me about her. Do you think her parents meant to name her 'Khartoum,' after the country in Africa?
Staffer: I don't know. Maybe it's just a popular name from her parents' native country.
HR manager: Oh, you mean she's not black?
Staffer: What? No, she's Asian.
HR manager: Oh. Was I stereotyping just now?
Staffer: Ummm, yeah, a little bit... You are so in the right profession.
Office
Hilton Head, South Carolina
9AM Some Mornings I Forget to Attach It at All
Guy descending escalator: Every time I pull down my pants I look down and it's like, 'Oh! I forgot it was there.'
Pier 70
Seattle, Washington
5PM I Have a Delicate Constitution
Office peon: When I was little I Dream of Jeannie always made me tense. I think it was the chaos.
25 South Front Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: emf
4PM But Ass Prostheses Are the Wave of the Future
Girl #1: Oh my god! You are such a slut!
Girl #2: I am not a slut!
Girl #3: It's true, she's not a slut. She's just a fake-ass ho.
Girl #1: Yeah, you're such a fake-ass ho.
Girl #2: Yeah, true.
1310 Sycamore Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Our Slogan: We're Quivering to Help You
Presenter: Right, so not only do you have to help each other, but you also have to service your members.
Hotel
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: really bored
2PM She's Real --Just Not Really Dead
Office girl on phone: I figured I might as well not waste these tears, so I took the opportunity to tell them about my fake dead aunt.
Abington, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
1PM All We Asked Was, "How Was Your Weekend?"
Female worker: I'm serious, I don't like to put things in my mouth that might squirt out! I mean--
Stunned coworker, interrupting: --No, you've probably said enough.
Female worker: I'm talking about the doughnut.
121 Zeeb Road
Ann Arbor, Michigan
12PM Back Up -- the Direction of the Earth's Axis?
Supervisor: We can't say 'Summer Solutions' on this brochure, because it might confuse people in California because it's summer all the time there. Any ideas of how to reword this?
Staffer: It's not summer all the time in California. It's summer during summer time.
Supervisor: But it's warm all year round, so how do they know it's summer? We need a way to explain that these things are only intended for the summer.
Staffer: But they still know what summer is, even if it's still warm during the other seasons.
Supervisor: I'm not sure about that...
Staffer: Summer isn't about temperature, it's about the direction of Earth's axis. Summer is always in June, July, and August. It always starts with the solstice in June.
Supervisor: I don't know anything about solstices and all that. Let's just reword this.
Staffer: But California still has a summer. I'm telling you, they know what summer is.
Supervisor: I don't know. They might get confused.
Staffer: Confused about what?
Supervisor: Confused about when summer is. Like, it's summer right now, 'cause it's been warm lately.
Staffer: No... April is in the spring.
Delaware
Overheard by: rofl in cube next door
11AM So: Questions?
US sales manager in teleconference: We gotta let the elephant be the hot dog right outta the shoe.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
10AM Unless, of Course, You Don't Own a Dog
English teacher: Nice shirt.
Manager: Tell me about it... It's laundry day.
Italian teacher: Oh god, I hate laundry day. I always run out of underwear and have to wear nothing under my skirt. I'm terrified that the dog will stick his face up my vagina... You know, literally.
Manager: Yeah, I don't think there is a way to mean that in a non-literal sense.
434 Peixoto Gomide
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: English Teacher #2
9AM Plus Clowns
Coworker #1: What is Cirque du Soleil anyway?
Coworker #2: I went to the website -- it looks like it's just a bunch of Asians stretching.
Columbus, Ohio
5PM From My Big Book of Muddled Management Metaphors
Boss: You know, if you're behind the train, then you're probably driving on the tracks again.
200 West Oak Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
4PM Surprisingly Effective
Male supervisor who drives a PT Cruiser: My car's as much of a chick magnet as me walking into a room without a shirt on making farting noises with my armpit.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM What Severe Burnout Looks Like
Grunt #1: If there is a tornado today, are you our emergency person?
Grunt #2: Nope, I really don't care if you die.
Beach Street
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM But the Day Is Young
Female supervisor: Hey, Stan*, you got a stiffy today?
Office worker with pained expression: Uh... I've just got a sore neck.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
1PM It'll Just Make Things Worse
Grandmother to toddler trying to climb out of shopping cart: If you fall on your head and break your leg, don't come running to me.
Santee, California
Overheard by: Snickering Cashier
12PM She Doesn't Need to Work, but She's in It for the SWAG
Supervisor: I have to clean this place up today before one of the company reps shows up!
Worker: Are they bringing us some squishy balls?!
Supervisor: No... Oh, not that kind of rep -- this guy is from one of the companies that pays us.
Worker: What? Are they at least bringing some candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Yay, candy!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
11AM NewsFlash: Rise in Drive-by Insultings in the Workplace
Coworker: Wow! Those are some shiny shoes! You know, it's a good thing to have shiny shoes because people are more likely to be enthralled by your feet and less likely to notice your incompetence.
Elevator, Office building
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: checking own feet
10AM I Regret Nothing
Worker bee #1: Is that a PlayStation Three?
Worker bee #2: Yeah.
Worker bee #1: Those are hard to come by. I bet you had to beat off a lot of guys in the store to get that one.
Worker bee #2: [Silence.]
150 Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM Their Business Model Is Predicated on It
Customer on phone: The plug won't fit!
IA rep: It's okay, sir. I just need to confirm that the first device plugged into our router is either a firewall or a computer.
Customer on phone: They... They just won't connect!
IA rep: We're looking for an Ethernet line. Is there an Ethernet line coming out of the router? Make sure not to plug or unplug anything. It will take down your voice, too.
Customer on phone: It's some telephone thingy... Oh, wait! This cord might work-- [click].
IA rep: We got another one.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
5PM At Least, Not Here
Customer: ... But the sign outside says it's $1.99.
Cashier: That's the meat and potato burrito. You ordered chicken. That's not meat.
301 Water Street
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
3PM He Was Grandma's Last Disappointment
Male coworker: So, did you hear about what Shannon* did for her grandmother's birthday?
Female coworker: Yeah!
Male coworker: How she got her a stripper?
Female coworker: Yeah, haha. I know!
Male coworker: Pretty funny... She was, like, 90... Did you hear that she died like a week later?
Female coworker: Yeah...
Male coworker: Yeah. It kinda sucks.
Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: Audiogirl Hates Elevators
2PM James Gets Empowered by Assertiveness Training
Mid-life crisis coworker: Hi, this is James*. You remember me? Good. Well, I was just calling to tell you that there's lettuce on my bagel, and I ordered no lettuce, no tomato, and this is the third time this has happened. You guys make great food, but this is unacceptable and I thought you should be aware of your error.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
1PM Good Samaritan: Yeah, I Just Kept Walking, Too
Secretary: Oh my god. I walked past this hobo that smelled so bad I could taste it. I mean, I might as well have licked him.
Paralegal: Did he have blood running down his leg onto his foot? I think I've smelled him before, too.
601 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
12PM At the Law Firm of Nasty, Brutish and Short
Maintenance guy: You gotta get your key out real quick or they're gonna swing an ax.
420 Western Avenue
Albany, New York
11AM My Sports Car and Underage Girlfriend Just Weren't Enough
Coworker: I bought some new gi-normous pearls -- they're like testicles!
1st Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Zoltarpanaflex
10AM ... Limiting Our Lunch Breaks, Not Stealing Supplies, Wearing Shoes...
Coworker #1 holding company's new tech use policy: It says we're not supposed to blog on company time.
Coworker #2: Whatever. It's not like we follow any of their other policies, like doing work and shit.
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM That's Too Hard -- I'm Just Gonna Buy My Own
Photo coordinator looking for staples: Why are there paper clips in this box?
Photo editor: What?
Photo coordinator: See -- it says 'staples,' but there are paper clips in here.
Photo editor: Dude, it's from Staples. You need the box that says 'staples' twice.
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
