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5PM I Don't Get Indoors Much
Man: Is that meeting here on the tenth floor?
Woman: No, it's on the eleventh floor.
Man: Okay. Is that one floor up?
2775 Laurel Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
3PM That Means It's Working
Manager: Just put it in your mouth and suck on it.
Associate: But I don't want to get sick... What will happen? [Long, awkward pause] It's burning my tongue.
East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Champagnegurl
2PM No, Lynn Finished It! Weren't You Listening?
Woman: Sam* is a big cookie ho, and I'm the cookie monitor, and Lynn* is the cake finisher--
Sam, from next cubicle: --There's cake?!
Congress Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kitty
1PM You're Just Glad to Have Company
Office drone: It's like... once you see the purple elephant walk into the room, you just don't care.
490 1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: django
12PM How Hard Is It to Remember My Name Is Also Devon?
IT chick: Hey, where's my homies?
Admin: What homies?
IT chick: Devon* and the little guy.
Admin, incredulous: There's a little guy?!
Little guy in corner, quietly: Thanks.
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, Texas
11AM You Could Still Take a Black Lover
Office peon #1: I met my husband in Ireland, but he's from South Africa originally.
Office peon #2: You're going to have such beautiful babies.
Office peon #1: Well, I think so, but why do you?
Office peon #2: Half-black babies are always beautiful.
Office peon #1: My husband isn't black.
Office peon #2: He's not?
Office peon #3: Sally*, not everyone in South Africa is black. In fact, the majority of South Africans are white. Haven't you heard of apartheid?
Office peon #2: Yeah, I guess.
Town Street
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Time Travel's Probably Your Only Hope Now
Office peon: That John Wilkes Booth -- they just didn't shoot Lincoln soon enough.
Arlington, Texas
9AM And Those Are More Valuable Than a Life
Woman: My sister got out of rehab on Tuesday and died of an overdose on Friday, and I just got the rehab bill in the mail.
Friend: I'd tell thems to stick 'at bill up they asses -- that shit didn't work! It's like gettin' a bad weave! You don't pay fo' no bad weaves, does you?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"
Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
3PM Home of the Box Lunch
CSR girl: The Gold Gentleman's Club... That's where girls strip, right?
Sleazy manager: Yeah, they got real pretty girls there, but they don't dance long enough! You give them a 20, and they look at you like, 'What have you done for me lately?'
Quiet guy: They've got really good food there on Fridays.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Office Peon
2PM Reader Challenge: Take Your Office Mary Out to Lunch
Boss: Have you fixed that invoice?
Minion: Yeah! It was totally magical -- Mary* thinks I'm awesome, and she's going to do some stuff in the system and the invoice will be fixed!
Boss: So, we're getting paid?
Minion: Yeah! Magical Mary will fix it, I'll send it out, and we'll get paid! Hooray for everyone!
200 Harry S. Truman Parkway
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Rica
1PM Mr. Ness Monster, How Kind of You to Make It Today
Trainer during computer training class: Now, everyone use their last name and first initial as their user name and password.
Trainee #1: I did that and it says I don't exist.
Trainee #2: Me, too.
Trainee #3: Same here.
Trainer: Raise your hand if you don't exist. [Almost entire class raises their hands.]
Meek voice from the back: I exist.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
12PM Isn't Your Girlfriend Miss Potato Head?
Man: So, I told my girlfriend that if I fuck a midget it is not considered cheating.
Coworker: What? Yes, it is!
Man: No, it isn't. They aren't real people.
Presque Isle, Maine
Overheard by: wtf kind of place is this?
11AM Show 'em How an American Works Himself to Death
American client: Aren't we supposed to receive last month's results soon?
French staffer: Normally, yes, but Easter was only last Sunday.
American client: So?
French staffer: Well, it means we're only in the first week of a two-week holiday. So everything will be ready in three weeks.
American client: What? Do those fucking socialist dicksippers really have two weeks off for Easter?! You know, when I retire I'm going to work in France.
125 West 55th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jean val Jean
10AM They Always Do, Though
Tech support on phone to customer: You know what you just did? Yeah, never do that again.
Rockville, Maryland
9AM Your Ideas All Have Two Tails and Misshapen Heads
Male coworker: It's like the client is the ovum -- no... No... Yes, the ovum. And my ideas are the sperm and the boss is the scrotum and the creative department is the shaft and my sperm keep on trying to get in the egg -- they try and they try -- and some of them are strong and good swimmers and some are, like, dormant--
Female coworker, interrupting: --Stop.
Ad agency
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dr Phyllis
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM That's What the White House Staff Is For
Tech: Sometimes I think George* has never been on the Internet.
9155 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
3PM You're Not Gonna Make That "Fine Wine" Analogy Again, Are You?
Office grunt: There's nothing wrong with grandmas... Like you've never wanted a GILF!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
2PM Honesty and Parenting Are Mutually Exclusive
Mom to little kid: I told you not to go in the road.
Dad: Yeah, you get hit by a car, you gon' be in there with mama on a bed. [Kid stares.] You get hit by a car, you gon' have to get X-rays. You want X-rays? X-rays hurt.
Doctor's office, 35th Street and Redwood Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: JChan
1PM But When We Succeed, the Wankputer's Gonna Be Huge
Coworker #1: Jack*, don't you have a little thing?
Jack: I got a little thing, but it don't do shit.
Coworker #2: So do I, Jack. So do I.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM No Secrets on the Internet
Hobo: You can't make me stay here! Fuck you! I'm leaving!
White nurse: Get out, then! Leave!
Hobo, to black nurse: How you doin', chocolate thunder?
White nurse, laughing: That's totally your porn name.
27th Street and 1st Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
10AM They Make Less-Expensive Bad Decisions
Office grunt: ... And that's why you should only have stupid children.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM Okay, I Have to Get Off -- Bye, Now!
Garbageman on phone: I am calling in sick. I took some Cialis and I have had an erection for more than four hours... Has anyone used that excuse before?
Dispatcher: No, not that I recall.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dispatcher who has heard it all
5PM At the Science Friction Convention
Announcement over PA: If anyone has taken Maureen's* K-Y Jelly, please return it immediately.
W 66th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: wondering why its needed
4PM Then How Come X-Rays Are Black and White, Smart Guy?
Office manager: Have you ever seen the images from an MRI? It's amazing the beautiful colors that are inside of our bodies!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glorified gopher
3PM Ladies, This Is the Mark 29 Industrial Fan
Woman clerk: You all need to get your hot flashes together so we can get to work!
Springfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Azazel
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
1PM But Otherwise It's Totally Synthetic Furniture for Me
Suit: I'd do it just to say I had hair on my ass.
385 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM But I Think We've Tapped into a Potential Goldmine
Chick #1: Did you know that they're making Coke kosher for Passover?
Chick #2: [Blank stare.]
Chick #1: They're putting sugar in it.
Chick #2: [Continues to stare.]
Chick #1: Normally, it has corn syrup in it.
Chick #2: ... Oh! The soda!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mardi
11AM Jesus: The Way You People Treat Each Other, I Hate You All!
CSR, sighing at computer: Jesus hates me. [Alarmed when notices customer] I didn't mean that.
Customer: No, it's okay. He probably does.
1400 Apalachee Parkway
Tallahassee, Florida
10AM The Less I Know, the Better, Actually
Overpaid IT guy: Well, I'm here to help, but don't expect me to know what's going on.
San Francisco, California
9AM Tropic of Cancer Has That Effect on a Lot of People
New mother, about boss's new book: I'll pop a boob out while I'm looking at the book. [Coworkers look shocked.] Oh, no! I meant while I'm breastfeeding!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
5PM No Gay People in This House!
Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn't leave the house anymore. She had that -- what do you call it -- homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean 'agoraphobia.'
Coworker #1: No, I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
Coworker #2: ... If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me
Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned
3PM For Some Foster Parents, It's about Quantity, Not Quality
Coworker: You see that door right there? We can fit, like, nine minors in there!
Bloomington, Indiana
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
1PM Got My Eye on the Prettiest Little Vireo
Driver piercing long silence on radio, to no one in particular: If I wasn't a human, I'd be one o' them cow birds. [Other drivers agree.]
227 Business Route 96
Buna, Texas
Overheard by: Angel
12PM I Never Should Have Bought It That Wii
Male peon muttering to self: Hey, brain -- work! Please work? At least for the next two hours!
Female peon: Are you talking to your brain?
Male peon: Yeah, I'm trying to get it to work.
Female peon: Oh.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
11AM Let Me Rephrase That Question
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm... I'm pretty sure I didn't get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
10AM Usually Just My Doorman Tells Me That
Teacher #1: So, I went to my gynecologist yesterday, and he told me I had an exceptionally nice vagina.
Teacher #2: Oh, that was nice of him.
214 Race Street
Middletown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: poor student who wanted to ask a question
9AM I Mean, I've Got Kids and They're Horrible
Worker bee #1: I don't understand what pedophiles are thinking.
Worker bee #2: Man, you're not supposed to understand it!
Austin, Texas
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