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5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
4PM We're in a Roaring Metal Tube Full of Idiots -- It Couldn't Hurt
Flight attendant #1: I used to get high before studying for tests. Did you ever try it?
Flight attendant #2: No, no, I never did that.
Flight attendant #1: It really works... Hey, did you study the new rules for flights shorter than two hours? Lots of information.
Flight attendant #2: Are you high right now?
Flight attendant #1: ... Why do you ask?
United flight
Nebraska
Overheard by: Ken
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft
Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.
22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily G
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
11AM A Move Known As "The IT Sidestep"
Temp: We found some old mice in the trashcan. I don't really think they belong in there.
Tech guy: I think that's a problem for facilities. Are they dead or alive?
Maryville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cinderella
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
9AM Pastriform Encephalopathy
Tech #1: I'm starving. I should live off of my excess fat, like a doughboy.
Tech #2: I've never seen the Pillsbury Doughboy eat. He's always right by food but never takes any.
Tech #1: Exactly... Hey, do you think if he ate a biscuit he would get the doughboy version of mad cow?
109 T.W. Alexander Drive
Durham, North Carolina
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
4PM Newton's Last Law
Office peon: No matter how many pairs of underwear you have, if you don't do your laundry, eventually you will run out.
501 Jackson Street
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Laughing at everyone
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off
Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.
2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse
Chick shoving sandwich at guy: Do you want this?
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?
401 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brooklynhero
11AM I Won't Even Sleep with a Man Who's Had Braces
Grad student: I'm just incapable of mounting anything remotely straight.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM And I'm Going to Be Completely Rigid about This
Old maid boss: Do you have a boner over there?
Young male worker, confused: I'm sorry, what?
Old maid boss: A boner. For folding paper [holds up knife]. Do you have one?
Young male worker: How can you seriously be calling it that? I know you know what that means.
Old maid boss: No, I know you need one if you don't have one. I'll get another one.
Young male worker: I know you know what that means. I know you know what that means. I don't want anything to do with it.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
5PM That's Not Baggage -- Those Are Wedding Gifts
Suit hanging up phone: I am so done with married chicks -- they have too much baggage.
3250 42nd Street
New York, New York
4PM Dude, People Drink Out of That!
Office engineer #1: Why are you washing your hands in the water cooler?
Office engineer #2: Oh, I was playing with my dirty, failed parts.
Oil pump company
Claremore, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Tony
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
2PM No, No, Wait -- It's the One with Mr. Toad, Right?
Ad rep #1: The best movie is on TV tonight.
Ad rep #2: What movie is that?
Ad rep #1: Gone with the Wind.
Ad rep #2: Is that the same as...? No, that's A Walk in the Clouds.
Programmers: What?!
Ad rep #2: I got confused -- they're similar. Well, which one is Gone with the Wind?
Ad rep #1: It has Clark Gable.
Ad rep #2: Is that the guy that played Superman?
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
1PM Where's Your Savior Now, Fatty?
Coworker secretly returning another's bag of snacks while clutching stomach: Good God. This must be how those people who are eating that 200-pound, anatomically correct chocolate Jesus feel. Pardon me while I unbutton my pants so I can breathe.
300 North McKemy Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Very '80s
Worker #1: Wow, that's a large bush, Pat*.
Worker #2: Yeah...
Worker #1: I mean, it's nice! Do you think it's large?
Worker #2: A little, but I like it.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
11AM Their Alliance with the Sundae Lobby Was a Stroke of Genius
Coworker: You keep hearing all this stuff about cherries being good for you. They're actually not that good for you. It's just what the people in northern Michigan say to get you to buy their cherries!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
10AM You're Not Supposed to Call Your Kids on Company Time
Woman, before using phone: Don't listen to me -- I have to lie.
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Okay, Now Explain 'Compooter'
Oblivious female boss flipping through magazine: Oooh, pooter! I love pooter.
Startled worker: What?!
Oblivious female boss: Look -- pooter letter openers!
Startled worker: Um, that word is actually pronounced 'pewter.' [Under his breath] Christ.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
5PM So... Yes
Spanish teacher, in Spanish: Margarita, what are you doing today?
Margarita: [Mutters something in Spanish.]
Student: Did you just say, 'I'm planning to attend the party where it is raining babies'?
Margarita: Baby shower. I'm going to a baby shower!
Community college
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
4PM I Want to See the Baby Eat the Cobra
Art director: Does anyone want to see a baby wrestle a cobra?
West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
3PM Ideas Need to Be Kept Isolated from Each Other
Ad rep running to office for Post-Its: I need my stickies, I need my stickies, I need my stickies! I get nervous without my stickies...
Texas
Overheard by: it's a good thing she's pretty
2PM It Would Also Succinctly Communicate What I Think of Our Mission Statement
Peon to another at two-hour mark in meeting: I'd poop in my chair if I thought it would make this meeting more interesting.
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Couldn't have hurt -- mighta helped
1PM We Should Talk Like This Less Often
Cube rat #1: I can't explain my parents. They will have a problem with me dating a black guy, but the funny thing is my sister married a Jewish guy and they don't seem to care. And, you know, what's the difference between a black man and a white man? It's just different skin colors. But there are real differences between Christian and Jewish people.
Cube rat #2: You're absolutely right. Jewish people go to church on Saturday.
Cube rat #11: That's right.
Cube rat #12: And they peel their food.
Madison Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: People in the Sun
12PM The "T" Is Silent but Deadly
Receptionist: Farce? Is that like farts?
352 7th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Have a Problem with, Uh, Premature Firing
Customer to help desk support: My gun told me to call you guys.
Airport Road
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
10AM I Always Say Friendly Fire Is Better Than No Fire
Boss on phone: I'm the entrepreneur type -- I shoot from the hip. I figure I'll fix it when I'm finished messing it up.
Hayward Avenue
Carteret, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jay-B
9AM I Forgot That We Outsource Our Fraud
Employee: I can't process this according to your instructions.
Boss: Why's that?
Employee: It's against federal law.
Boss: I'll have someone else do it.
Seattle, Washington
5PM In the Crisper, behind the Lettuce
Female boss: We need to add more scrotum!
Male designer: ... Are you serious?
Female boss: Yeah, apparently we're missing a few.
Male designer: Got it. Where's the scrotum?
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: The Other Designer
4PM In Fact, That's Our Firm's Three-Prong Test for Fun
Attorney to another: You are always a lot of fun when your dress ends up around your waist. Or your head. Or your feet.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
3PM Reminded Me Why I Hate Calling Home
Manager: Earlier today my dad almost got eaten alive by our chickens.
7th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Really? That Much, Huh?
Boss on phone with client: So, what's been going on? In a new company? You spreading your legs and taking it all in?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: only female in the office
1PM Thank God for Instant Replay
Coworker: I can't remember if he used two fingers or three...
Metcalf Avenue
Overland Park, Kansas
12PM The Goats Don't Care for It, Though
Lab guy on cell: What did you just say to me? Oh, goat porn! Yeah, I like goat porn, too.
Science center
Long Island, New York
11AM So Let's Just Tell Them There Are WMDs
IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.
Tonopah, Arizona
10AM Pick Up! I Know You're There!
Coworker on cell when it starts ringing: Oh, crap. I think I just called myself.
Rockville, Maryland
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'll try and be nicer to them from now on
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