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5PM I'm Deeply Ambivalent about the Constitution
Employee, about jury duty: I figure if they're in court, they're guilty of something, or why would they be there?
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dunder Mifflin
4PM Should Be Tattooed on Your Inner Thigh
Sales guy to customer: Can I have your date of birth and expiration date?
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Nikki
3PM On the Plus Side, I Can't See the Band at Rolling Stones Concerts
Short coworker behind tall coworker's chair: I wish I were tall enough to hover more effectively.
Roseville Road
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: BanditCat
2PM Nobody Said a Word about Functionality
Quality manager: Well, why doesn't it work?
Software manager: Because we didn't write it that way.
Redmond, Washington
1PM A Career in Bioethics Is Waiting for You!
Auto salesman: When are you due?
Young woman: Two weeks. I can't wait for this to be over.
Auto salesman: This is just the beginning! The baby is much more work.
Young woman: No, I mean, I can't wait to not be such a fatass. I hate fat people.
Auto salesman: Uh-huh.
Young woman: Can you imagine how many people get abortions because they don't want to be fat?
Auto salesman, after long pause: I can honestly say that no, I cannot imagine that.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Purely horrified
12PM Grandma: These Rocks Ain't Gonna Move Themselves!
Coworker on phone: Granny was outside talkin' with the crack fiend. I was like, 'Granny, get away from that crack fiend!'
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: katie
11AM The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Icebox
Employee: So, there was nothing in the fridge? Just the dog?
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
10AM What's Wrong with Your Tact?
Nurse #1: Oh my god, what's wrong with your face?!
Nurse #2: Um... Nothing.
Nurse #1: ... Oh.
Kansas
Overheard by: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
9AM Miranda, You Get an Exemption 'til Your Eyebrows Grow Back
Boss: Okay, who's not afraid of fire?
McLean, Virginia
5PM A Little Cerebral, Though
Suit: I don't like movies with subtitles. You spend all your time reading instead of watching the movie.
Lady suit: Uh-huh.
Suit: Oh, I saw Wild Hogs this weekend. It was a hoot.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
4PM Of Course, That's Just a Projection
Office peon: Dammit, I couldn't get this done... even if I did work.
Arizona
3PM I Also Hope What I Just Swallowed Was Actually a Jelly Bean
Hot lady peon, after spilling candy: I hope he doesn't come by while I'm on the floor eating his jelly beans.
3900 Paramount Parkway
Morrisville, North Carolina
Overheard by: kevin
2PM Massive -- Why?
Purchaser on phone: No, no, the price is fine. I'm just a little concerned about the thickness of the shaft... How exactly is it lubricated? ... Well, yeah, with that kind of thickness you are talking major lubrication...
Manufacturing company offices
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Salty
1PM They Seem to Follow You around the Room
Coworker on phone: But he always says, 'I can't dance, I can't dance...' No, it's because his breasts jiggle around when he swings his hips, and he's so insecure about his breasts. That's why he can't meet any girls -- his breasts move whenever he dances.
Austin, Texas
12PM Or One Person, for Seven and a Half Hours
Client: I just want to touch a hundred and fifty people a day for three minutes.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 1 or 2 at a time?
11AM Except for Some Reason I Keep Getting Pregnant
Coworker: If I ever have a kid, I'm going to send them to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school and I feel I got a gooder education.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
10AM He's Been Cultivating That Line Since the First Time He Saw Ethan Hawke
Old coworker: What the hell is that on your chin?
Hipster coworker: I'm growing out my goatee.
Old coworker: Why the fuck would you do that?
Hipster coworker: A girl last night at the bar told me it looks sexy.
Old coworker: It looks like a buffer pad for a high speed cocksucker.
43 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: You'll Get Crumbs In It
9AM If You Want Something Done, Straddle a Busy Person
Boss: She straddles a lot of balls in the air. She has the energy to straddle all of these balls.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Can't You Hear the Quotation Marks, You Little Punk?
Teacher: Can you say, 'Open the door' in Spanish?
Preschooler: Open the door in Spanish.
Learning center
Bloomington, Indiana
4PM Why All Her Kids Are Adopted
Coworker, after boss made big volunteerism speech: I don't want to do anything where there's the possibility of seeing something gross.
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: that's the spirit
3PM A Struggle for Survival Helps Youngsters Put Things into Perspective
Employee: Sounds like your kid might need to get some professional help.
Boss: You know what I wanna do? Give that kid a fucking Valium and send him off to a wilderness camp!
Employee: Uh...
Florida
2PM Which, by the Way, Don't Knock Unless You've Tried
CSR: Do you know the part number of the item you are looking for?
Customer: It's C-S...
CSR: C-S? As in 'cat sandwich'?
Braintree, Massachusetts
1PM I Just Wouldn't Eat It Afterwards
Boss: I thought you were a vegetarian.
Employee: That doesn't mean I wouldn't kick a possum!
1550 Timothy Road
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Travis Roberts
12PM Important Safety Tip, Ian -- Thanks!
Coworker #1: So, I got my girlfriend to give me a wax job on the weekend -- y'know -- down there.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? How was that? Nice?
Coworker #1: No... She waxed my piercing off through the skin.
Coworker #2: Shit!
Coworker #1: Yeah...
Government Department
London
England
11AM Exactly How I Get People to Work Weekends
Senior manager: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Kid on speakerphone: If you were here, you'd know.
42nd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Should Have Just Used Duct Tape
Receptionist: ... And let me just tell you, those at-home wart freezers do not work on your poonani.
Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Glad I wore my space suit
9AM Just People with Bad Hair Making Fun of People with Good Hair
Foreign coworker: What does it mean, 'nappy-headed hos'?
333 Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Been Carrying It Since Last Tango in Paris
Guy: Man, having cigarettes without a lighter is like having peanuts without the jelly!
Lady: Don't you mean butter?
Guy: Oh, no. I got the butter.
1450 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: smoking some distance away
4PM Pay No Attention to My Hooves
Realtor: Want a cookie?
Investor: Nah, I can't -- it's not kosher.
Realtor: Sure it is.
Investor: No, I can't. I'm Jewish. I gotta abide by the law.
Realtor: Come on, it's just one cookie.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused assistant
3PM So I Just Tell Them to Go Home
Girl: How many pieces of fish in the six pack?
Manager: Are you serious?
Girl: Well, I don't know what to say to customers.
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia
2PM ... Nor What State We Started In
VP on phone: Yeah, what's wrong?
Niece on speaker phone: We're lost. Can you pull up a map or something?
VP: Where are you and where are you going?
Niece: We're going somewhere in Massachusetts, and we don't know what state we're in.
316 Warren Avenue
Front Royal, Virginia
Overheard by: not the dumbest anymore
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
12PM No One Keeps Secrets from Accounts Receivable
A/R girl: Your crotch is all done.
Billing: Okay, thanks. Now I can walk around and not worry about indecency.
A/R girl: Yeah. So if it comes apart again just bring it back in and I'll stitch your crotch back together.
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: medieval much?
11AM He's the Go-To Guy for Reproduction Problems
Receptionist on door intercom: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay [hangs up]. Bob*, a guy from RICO is here to service you.
Hangar Place
Allentown, Pennsylvania
10AM Even One's Probably Too Many
Woman: That's why I'm glad I only have one kid -- I can't keep up with all the names.
Sunset Boulevard
Lexington, South Carolina
Overheard by: LL
9AM Inconvenient, but True
Chick: I can't pee when the janitor is in there.
Dude: What, it throws you off? Try peeing while Al Gore is peeing right next to you on his phone. I usually just turn around and walk right back out.
King Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: misnomer
5PM Or the Sharpest Bulb in the Shed, for That Matter
Coworker #1: My son is hanging out with the stupidest kid...
Coworker #2: What do you mean?
Coworker #1: He's not exactly the brightest knife in the drawer.
Airport Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
4PM Well Said, Mr. Secretary!
Office grunt: This water is so cold. It's like liquid ice.
1401 Constitution Avenue NE
Washington, DC
3PM Dubya: Can We Get a Constitutional Amendment to That Effect?
Coworker #1: Tell me I'm crazy.
Coworker #2: You're crazy.
Coworker #1: Yeah, Helen* totally caught me checking out Bob* yesterday.
Coworker #2: You're crazy, 'cause he's gay...
Coworker #1: So, what? Gays aren't allowed to look good?
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Gaia
2PM It's Just Confusing Me
Media agency lady: Yeah, I met one of your constituents last week.
Sales rep: Well, that would be Ted*, I'm guessing.
Media agency lady: No, it was some sweet young thing.
Sales rep: Oh, well, then that would be Mindy*.
Media agency lady, laughing: Yeah, it was Mindy. Mindy is a piece of work [laughs harder].
Sales rep, chuckling nervously: Wow, that makes me want to ask you so many questions!
Media agency lady, wiping tears from her eyes: Yeah, I bet it does... None of which I would answer, but the fact that you want to ask them should tell you something.
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Translation: Whatever You Do Will Have to Be Done Over
Project manager: We need to get the turnover rate for the past 12 months.
Database admin: I have that. I can give you the turnover for the past year.
Project manager: Great! We'll also need it for the previous 12 months.
Database admin: I'm confused -- isn't the past 12 months the previous 12 months?
Project manager: Yes.
1055 Lenox Park Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iga
12PM What's Sweeter Than Getting Paid Not to Work?
Early bird #1: Our system is down.
Early bird #2: Crap. Well, that's okay. I really didn't feel like doing anything today, anyway.
Early bird #1: I guess maybe around eight someone in corporate will come in and get us rollin'.
Early bird #2: I don't think they get in until 8:45.
Early bird #1: I guess we just hang out, then!
Early bird #2, going to cubicle: Actually, it's Friday, so we probably won't hear anything from corporate until after nine... At least we have the Internet! Wait! Oh my god, do we have the Internet?!
Early bird #1: Yup, already checked. Internet is up!
Early bird #2: We're good, then.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM So Doing It to Jews Is Okay?
Man reading aloud from newspaper: North Carolina law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person's gentiles...
725 West Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: Gentile Intactus
10AM Stop Calling It That! It's Just an Unclaimed Drink
Barista to another after calling out drink orders: So, uh, what are you going to do with the dead body?
Starbucks
Burbank, California
Overheard by: rambunkcious
9AM But I Won't Let It Spoil My Peyote High
Manager: Your breath alcohol came back at point 09. We are going to have to term your contract, and you can get a taxi to go get your stuff out of your truck and find a way home.
Driver: That's a bummer.
7238 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I'm Having a Good Day!
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