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5PM At Least I Can Stop Eating
Salesman: I'm just trying to help you! Every time I see you you're eating.
Purchasing manager, mouth full of cookies: Every time I see you you're ugly.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
4PM Or Possibly a More Competent Lawyer
Programmer #1: I don't think my brother has been out of jail for Christmas or his birthday for the last six years.
Programmer #2: Maybe you should get him a subscription to Playboy?
Programmer #1: I was thinking cigarettes.
Tech center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: so glad I'm not related
3PM Like Its Namesake
Editor: Did he use the word 'genitalia' at all?
Older editor: Or 'goodies'?
20-something female reporter: It's such a Latin-sounding word.
Older editor: I know, 'goodies' really is.
20-something female reporter: Genitalia. It's such a beautiful word. It just rolls right off the tongue.
Newsroom, Main Street
Cortland, New York
Overheard by: Quietly Working at My Desk
2PM Only One of Those Can Be Eliminated
Director of nursing: I mean, you gotta be able to recognize the signs and be able to say, 'That's not a fear of dying, that's constipation!'
Hospice
Denver, Colorado
1PM This Job Never Gets Any Easier, Does It?
CSR: The best way to get through lasers is break dancing!
Columbus, Ohio
12PM A Series of Humiliating Tests Ensued
Customer: I want to return this breast pump. It doesn't work.
Manager: What's wrong with it?
Customer: It doesn't suck!
Store
Fort Worth, Texas
11AM Right Near Where They Have the Running of the Frogs?
New art director: This product line is called Madrid, right?
Creative director: Yes.
New art director: So why do you want me to look for images of the south of France?
Creative director: Isn't Madrid on the coast of France?
325 Model Farm Road
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: I could find that on a map
10AM The Interns? I Think a Lot More
Worker bee: How many more times are you going to touch those?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM It's in Our Strategic Plan
Manager in meeting: We'll hit that bridge when we come to it.
London
England
4PM What Kind of Mushroom Omelette Was That?
Accountant: I don't know which color is green, but one color is green, and one color is white.
Office girl: What about red?
Accountant: I'm not so sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?
Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?
330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Mr. Hennesey Beat the Chimps at Poo Flinging
English teacher: I didn't actually get kicked out of the zoo, but they did scold me and said I couldn't come back anymore.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: What did he do to those animals?
1PM Surgeon General: We're Mandating Filtered Conversations from Now On
Cube rat: So, does he know that you gave him herpes? You know, it's one thing to give him herpes, but his daughters, too?!
Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM They Could, but They Don't Have To
Blonde #1: I think Starbucks made the fire alarm go off in our building so that everyone from our building would go there and get a coffee.
Blonde #2: Oh my god, can they do that?
West 6th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Some Lives May Be Better Unexamined
Canadian arborist: Check it out. I can streamline the camera in the town square back at home in Brandon. I called my dad and told him to drive by and wave. Sometimes, if you watch long enough, you can see someone crash.
Westchester, New York
10AM Now I Might Actually Have to Talk to Him!
Bimbette: I need a shorter stud for my Monroe piercing 'cause I can't go down on my boyfriend. And... I like to do that.
Piercer: That sucks for both of you then, because you can't have a shorter stud in yet.
Bimbette: I can't suck dick! [Her mom leaves the store.]
Lake Forest, California
Overheard by: indigo_dream
9AM If Those Are the Choices
Forklift driver: I need to reload this overweight [truck]. Do I need to unload the ass to put these two in the belly, or should I just throw them on?
Supervisor: Really, I would prefer them in the ass.
Iowa
5PM I'm Too Ashamed
Cashier: Oh, I'm sorry, it says your funds are insignificant. Maybe you should call your bank?
917 East Broadway
Tempe, Arizona
4PM But It Looks Like It's Me, and Not the Room
Associate: What's up, Dave*? Did you get a promotion?
Managing director at secretary's desk: No, I just hate the person I've become when I'm in my office.
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Six Sigma Is All about Eliminating Defects
Quality manager: If I told you what I know...
Salesman: You'd have to kill Charles*?
Quality manager: No... That's not a bad idea, though.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
2PM Flog Him, Let Him Lick His Wounds, Take Him for Drinks
Partner #1: What's on the agenda for my meeting with Jerry*?
Partner #2: Ask whether his HIV is full-blown AIDS. Find out if he's using client money to pay for his crystal meth habit. Ask if he's ready to face the NASD, SIPC, and SEC.
2999 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM I Got Bored of Throwing Pencils Up There
Wifey on phone: Why didn't you answer your cell phone?
Office peon: I can't answer my cell phone! It's in the ceiling!
Wifey: What do you mean, 'it's in the ceiling'?
Office peon: Exactly what you fucking think I mean! It's in the fucking ceiling!
5900 Howard Street
Skokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
11AM Never Trust a Man to Navigate
Waiter: She did not like it in the ass.
Waitress: Really?
Waiter: At first, I mean.
Waitress: But as she got more and more drunk, it felt better?
Waiter: I don't know about better, but she stopped yelling.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM And Spell It for the Court Reporter
Lobbyist: Who's your favorite consultant?! Who?! Say my name!
K Street
Washington, DC
9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits
Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM So How about Dinner on Friday?
Sales manager: My husband and I used that new KY warming gel last night, and I thought of you.
Female sales assistant: Ummm, could you please not think of me while you're having sex?
Sales manager: No, what I mean is...
Female sales assistant: No. Please, just stop.
Brentwood, Tennessee
Overheard by: sex object
4PM And I'm All Paid Up
Coworker on phone: Well, this dinosaur works better than your new Mercedes!
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
3PM Boss: And Take Some Work with You!
Cube rat #1: Hey, does it smell like poop over here?
Cube rat #2: What?
Cube rat #1: I farted -- it smells bad over here.
Cube rat #2: That's so gross, dude!
Cube rat #1: I have too much work to do! I don't have time to go to the bathroom!
Cube rat #2: Go to the bathroom!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
2PM It's Cheaper for the Company to Hire New Workers
Office grunt: I wish they would come to see if our workplace is killing us.
11 4th Street
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: cuberat
1PM I'd Give Anything to Be As Miserable As You
Broker #1: I'm getting a divorce.
Broker #2: No way, man. You're lying.
Broker #1, sadly: I wouldn't lie about that.
Broker #2: Oh, now, you're just saying that to make me jealous.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM It's Always in the Last Place You Look
Pregnant teen cashier: Where is my prostate?
Coworker: Uhhh...
South Carolina
11AM Weigh It, and Subtract the Weight of an Empty Bottle
Customer: These new labels are awful. Just awful! Why did you change them? I hate them.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry, sir, but I don't have any control over the labels.
Customer: They don't even tell me when it's time to refill my 'scription. When am I supposed to refill my 'scription?
Pharmacist: ... When you run out of medication, sir.
Customer: Well, how in the hell am I supposed to know that?
CVS/Pharmacy
High Point, North Carolina
10AM Meet the Inventors of Sudokucaine
Coworker #1: I remember trying heroin once. It was the only time I managed to beat my aunt at Scrabble.
Coworker #2: Dude, that's like doing coke and kicking back with a puzzle!
600 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
9AM Is That Cheese?
Secretary: I've got a bad rash in between my boobs.
Coworker: Uh...
Secretary: See, it's really bad.
Coworker: Uh... [tries to look away but is too slow].
Secretary, smelling her fingers: It smells real bad, too.
Liberty and Division Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Violated
5PM Cheap-Ass Company Won't Buy Us Any Paper
Lady peon: Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm going to have to draw on my breasts now.
Bolton, Lancashire
United Kingdom
4PM ... The Bank, Too? You're Killing Me Here!
Manager: Where is the post office? Who even goes to the post office? That's just stupid!
Canal Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM If You Know What I Mean
Coworker: In five seconds I'm giving up and giving my fish a bath.
1275 Broadway
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Sally
2PM That's When I Remember I Have Super Powers
Guy: This is about the time where I start feeling... not right. Like there's something flowing through my body other than blood.
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
1PM See, There's Another Great Thing about Western Values
Abs instructor pointing out muscle groups: That's the great thing about being the instructor -- you get to touch.
Army base
Iraq
Overheard by: The Touched
12PM Lest My Hostile Work Environment Leak Out
Sleazy office manager: She's got it going on! I'd fuck the shit out of her in a heartbeat! Oops, I should probably close the door.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM It's Good to Get the Roles Sorted Out before the Hooker Arrives
Boss on phone: Yeah, I'll bring the bottle of wine tomorrow... No, the plan is you make fun of my gout and then tease me with the bottle... Okay, great, see you then.
2694 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Covert Kitten
10AM They Failed to Change the Filter, Though
Lawyer: So, you can recall that you've had at least one abortion.
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: So, was this an overnight procedure or something like an outpatient procedure?
Witness: Oh, it was in and out -- just like changing oil.
Court reporter: [Gasps.]
Norfolk, Virginia
9AM Groucho Marx: How the Elephant Got Me Out of My Pajamas I'll Never Know
Marketing manager justifying event expenses: It costs a lot for a naked elephant ride these days. Not like it used to be.
980 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
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