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5PM As Long As There Was Enough Glade on Hand
Coworker #1: Oh, that sounded like a queef.
Coworker #2: I had a friend who could roll over and queef on command.
Coworker #1: Wow! That would be a great party trick.
Washington Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Oh! That's Much Worse
Female coworker: Paul*, did you stick your finger in the machine last night?
Macon Avenue
Asheville, North Carolina
3PM Therapeutically and Preventatively
Chick: Nice flowers!
Dude: Yeah, I had a bad day yesterday and treated myself. You ever have one of those?
Chick: Yeah, but I just drink.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM NewsFlash: Indianapolis Churro Scandal!
Newbie: I need to use the restroom.
Waiter: If you need to shit you'd better get here before the Mexicans get in the employee bathroom. I don't know what the fuck they eat, but their shit smells like it has sugar on it.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Oooh, Little Cuts!
Husband: They have fajitas.
Wife: I don't like ordering Mexican food from non-Mexican restaurants.
Husband: You don't like anything.
Wife: I like lots of things!
Husband: Liar!
Wife, after repeatedly hitting husband with menu: I liked that!
TGIFriday's
Bowling Green, Kentucky
12PM Like Me, the Audience Would Be Small, but Devoted
Desk jockey #1: Do you ever think you might be the star of your own Truman show?
Desk jockey #2: Man, that would be a show with a lot of wanking!
Munster Road
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Marshall
11AM Attempts to Recycle Them Were Not Well-Received
Sales guy: I went to a funeral once, and everyone there got a packet of the cremated remains.
Sales girl: That's a nice parting gift!
Sales guy: Well, we were all supposed to disperse them somewhere. Mine sat on my mantle for about a month. Then I finally threw it away.
Sales girl: You sent the person to the dump?! So wrong! So wrong!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Incoming or Outgoing?
Cube dweller: So, do you have any policies about bodily functions?
1800 City Circle
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked
Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand.
Lawyer: What's your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that... I'd help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won't you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn't wash your hands. That's just disgusting.
725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM So Much Nicer Than the Blocking
Female legislator: I love professional ball players. They, uh... tackle well.
20 Legislative Plaza
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Or at Least the Part He's Kissing
Girl: Auntie Dee*, how did you know Uncle Frank* was in there.
Auntie Dee: Well, Molly*, he's not in the waiting room, so he has to be in there with the doctor.
Boy peering in window to exam rooms: He's kissing that nurse like he knows her!
Doctor's office
Ridgewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Patiently Waiting
3PM To Talk about It, on the Other Hand...
Suit #1: So, you feeling better today?
Suit #2: Man, I'm never eating Indian again.
Suit #1: Can't have been that bad.
Suit #2: It's just not manly to pee out your bum.
Hospital
England
2PM And Don't We All Want That?
Lady on cell: ... Yeah, that's why he wants to keep the urine acidic...
3940 Quebec Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cranberry Juice
1PM What Happens When Word-of-the-Day Calendars Don't Include Definitions
Cube dweller: Well, you don't want to be ambiguous in your genocide.
31355 Oak Crest Drive
Westlake Village, California
12PM Are You Kidding? He's Just a Great Actor
Bummed coworker: Aw, man. That's like when I figured out that Bugs Bunny was gay.
14th and 5th
New York, New York
11AM You Can Buy Those Signs at Home Depot
Boss: All signs point to them being assfucks.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Picture Drawer
10AM The Awful Cost of Gays in the Military
Boss storming through office: Fuck those idiots! They couldn't sell pussy to a troop train!
New girl: What about a train? [Long pause] And did he just say 'pussy'?
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: On the laugh train...
9AM And I've Got a Runny Coke-Sniffer
Intern to friend: My dancing-on-the-bar muscles hurt!
Elevator
New York
5PM I Need a Break from Listening to My Wife Go on about It
Employee on phone: Yeah, you know, my dad died last weekend, which is a good thing... Hey, you wanna go fishin'?
Mesa, Arizona
4PM And This Week I'm Retaining Fluid
Security guard: What's your pant size?
Male shop-lifter: I don't know... I just started wearing girls' pants last week.
101 Clearview Circle
Butler, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Charpie
3PM At the End of a Stalk
Girl #1, after male coworker receives huge bouquet of flowers: You know, I wonder if he's doing something to egg her on.
Girl #2: Nah, some girls are like that, you know? It's called stalking.
Girl #1: You know, I knew a girl like that once. She had a glass eye.
5718 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: the things i hear around here
2PM We'll Cycle between Passive-Aggressive and Malicious-Compliance
Peon, about new manager: We can be flexible and try new things and watch it blow up in her face.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM That, and an iPod Nano
Temp: I, like, can't believe I don't have herpes yet.
1212 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM The Best I Can Offer Is a Latex Glove Full of Frosting
Courtesy clerk: Can I help you find something, sir?
Male customer: Yes. I need condoms and cake right now! If I can't get one tonight, I need the other. Can you hurry?
Grocery store
California
Overheard by: Daphne
10AM The War's Gonna Get Expensive If We Have to Care for the Injured
Female suit on cell: I can't understand why they couldn't just fix him up there in Baghdad... It was only his arm... And it was still attached!
North Charleston, South Carolina
9AM She's Teething
Postal clerk: Is there anything fragile, liquid, perishable, or potentially hazardous in this?
Man: Nope, just condoms. Care package for my daughter.
Post office
Jenison, Michigan
Overheard by: On High Alert
5PM It Does, but Not in the Way You Mean
Graphic designer holding two envelopes with different designs: Are you curious?
Marketing coordinator: I dunno... Are you bi-curious?
Graphic designer, stunned: Do you know what that means?
Marketing coordinator: Ummm... Doesn't it mean doubly curious?
401 South Jackson Street
Seattle, Washington
4PM We Know It's Gonna Be Good for Us
Manager: There is a difference between playing with ourselves and playing with our customers.
8033 Lory Student Center, Colorado State University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Alli
3PM Its Job Is Done
Rail-thin colleague: Do you know that when you're pregnant your brain actually physically shrinks?
Pregnant colleague: Oh, don't tell me that! Everything else gets bigger, and my freaking brain shrinks?!
415 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fertile Bystander
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
1PM The Meditations of Barkus Aurelius
Peon #1: It's written mostly from the perspective of the dog...
Peon #2: So is it fiction?
Publisher's office
New York, New York
12PM Brain Food?
Guy: Do you think it's possible to be allergic to... you know?
Girl: No, I don't know...
Guy: Sure you do.
Girl: No, I don't know what 'you know' is!
Guy: Yes, you know!
Girl: What? You mean, like, condoms?
Guy: No, like you know -- vagina...
Girl: Why on earth would anybody be allergic to vagina?!
Guy: Cause, you know, it's like fish.
Customer service call center
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: MBN
11AM Yes, Always. Why Do You Ask?
Doctor: Women come into my office at least once a month and completely lose it -- blubbering all over the place. I had one in here today.
Wife: Are they married?
Chandler, Arizona
Overheard by: Office Manager
10AM Children Are Malicious Little Tape Recorders
Little boy after a loud crash: You broke it! I'm very upset with you -- very upset! Mommy broke the lamp! She's a bad girl!
9037 Highway 92
Woodstock, Georgia
Overheard by: peddler of rigid tools
9AM Unfortunately, I Predict Six More Weeks of This Conversation
Administrative assistant: You know how they choose the pope with those smoke signals?
Staff member: Yeah...
Administrative assistant: It's kind of like Groundhog's Day, isn't it?
Staff member: Wait, what? The movie or the holiday?
Administrative assistant: Duh, the holiday! What would the movie have to do with the pope?
Staff member: Well, what does the holiday have to do with the pope?
Administrative assistant: What?
Willamette Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Jenny
5PM Or Once That Definition Gets Relaxed
HR admin to uninterested IT guy: I'll be perfectly happy once I'm not morbidly obese.
1037 West 9th Street
Upland, California
Overheard by: Convinced she's correct
4PM Helpful Anywhere in the World
Worker bee #1: Five second rule!
Worker bee #2: I'm from India. I can digest toxic waste!
D'Onofrio Drive
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Minx
3PM You're the Scaliest, Stinkiest Boss I've Ever Had
Executive assistant: I think I touch and smell just about everything.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Another Assistant
2PM It's Just Sort of Good, Like a Dancing Bear
Analyst #1: It's perfect -- it's like a unicorn.
Analyst #2: We'll see some disagreements on perfect.
Empire Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Statja K
1PM This Cubicle Is Greased and Ready to Kick Ass
Coworker: I've got more Vaseline than a porn star could use in a year.
330 North Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM And Remind Ourselves That We Still Have Our Freedom
Reception guy: Are you guys going on a puppy run?
Worker: Nah, just going to XYZ Office*.
Temp: Puppy run?
Reception guy: Yeah, when we're a bit crabby we go across the street to the pet shop and look at the puppies.
Temp: Oh.
Adelaide
South Australia
11AM I Lie at the Third-Grade Level
Four-year-old holing up a toy: Mommy, can I get this?
Mom: It says it's for kids ages eight and up. How old are you?
Four-year-old: Um... eight.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
10AM Better Known As Rebecca of Baker Street Farm
50-ish coworker: Oh, 'Shelly'... I thought it said her name was Shirley Temple. You know who Shirley Temple is?
20-ish coworker: Wasn't she the detective who went around solving crimes? No, wait, that's Sherlock Holmes.
31 Chambers Street
New York, New York
9AM Malnourished, Spiteful Cats
Engineer #1: Are we really sure this is the best tool for what we're doing?
Manager, shrugging: We're eating our own dog food.
Engineer #2: We are not. It's more like we're feeding dog food to our cats.
411 1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: engineer #3
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