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5PM I Keep a Potato on the Box and Everything
XYZ* interviewer: Thanks for your time. Do you have any questions for me about the company?
Interviewee: I do -- I have XYZ cable at home. How come it's so terrible?
1500 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Not That Bad
4PM Why There's a Mother's Day
Woman checking child's diaper: I just stuck my finger in your poop! Now I'll have to bleach my hand.
2401 Utah Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: lastikgirl
3PM Also the Idea behind Internet Porn
Man referring to stuffed beaver's tail with 'Do not touch' sign: Can my daughter touch this?
Worker: No.
Man to daughter: You can't touch it, honey, because Miss Sensory Deprivation over here wants you to touch with your eyes, not with your hands.
Sterling, Virginia
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
1PM Which Is How They Get You
Cube rat #1 in response to a mime: Thank you, Marcel Marceau... Hey, is he dead?
Cube rat #2: I hadn't heard anything.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Silent Observer
12PM The Cow Was Found to Be Negligent
Lawyer #1: I can't wait to get rid of those cows.
Lawyer #2: I thought you liked your cows.
Lawyer #1: Well, I did, but then one of them got a little too close and now I have a large bruise on my right thigh.
Lawyer #2: You were just too proximate.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
11AM Your Cubicle Seems to Have Reached the Saturation Point
Intern on third day of work: This is probably something I should have asked the first day, but... where's the men's room?
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM The Conversation Enters a DO Loop
Principal: Do you know Fortran?
Research analyst: Yes, I think so... Wait, is that a man or a woman?
John Hancock Tower
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: economista
9AM Now I Drive the Truck
Ad lady: Yeah, I was always the one who rolled around on the floor and threw myself under a truck, but not anymore.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
5PM Enough with the N Word
Clerk: What is your license plate number?
Customer: Five, T like 'Tom,' N like 'Knife,' L like 'Lion*,' five, two, seven*.
Clerk: N like 'knife'?
Customer: That's right!
DMV
Virginia
4PM Warning: Attempted Responsibility Transfer in Progress!
Grunt #1: So, this report is wrong.
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: I see what I did wrong.
Grunt #2: Good!
Grunt #1: Do you know why I filled this out incorrectly?
Grunt #2: Uhhh...
North Side
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Diana_C
3PM And He Sees Me As a Kind of Alien Cafeteria Lady
Crazy dog lady: Ajax was running around in the shower this morning and chasing the water. It was so cute!
Coworker: He was in the shower with you?
Crazy dog lady: Yes. He needs to get clean. He has a white coat and he gets so dirty.
Coworker: You took a shower with your dog? Were you naked? Ewww...
Crazy dog lady: What? He was dirty!
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM Everyone I've Ever Slept with Has Been Beautiful
Guy looking across street: Is that girl sexy?
Friend: That's a dude, man. How's your eyesight?
Guy: I can see fine, I just can't see clearly.
Newbury Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: alan
1PM It Was Like Peaking on Acid
Associate: Dude, I just saw my first hot Wal-Mart employee!
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: DRM
12PM Like If You Put Bleach in My Coffee
Line cook #1: Man, I had a friend that just got fired after being at her job for 20 years. That's messed up.
Line cook #2: That's terrible. What happened?
Line cook #1: She put bleach in her coworker's coffee. She said it was just a practical joke, and they fired her for that, after 20 years.
Line cook #2: She did what?!
Line cook #1: She said it was a practical joke.
Line cook #2: Man, if I wanted to kill someone you'd know it. I'd just stab you.
4550 Scott Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Never eating there again
11AM ... With a Dash of Corky from Life Goes On
Supervisor: [Former supervisor] was so hot -- like a cross between Colin Farrell and Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM It's My Lunch. Geez, Can We Just Get Back to Work?
Female coworker: We're really glad you decided to come out!
Male coworker: Me, too!
Female coworker: So, is that your coming out stuff?
West 11th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Disappointed I'm just a temp
9AM Otherwise You May Call Back
Employee: Okay, I'm going to hang up now, but I want you to continue talking.
524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
5PM Tonight's Movie: Livestock and Two Smoking Barrels
Suit: You need to get off your ass, take control of your life, and have that stupid cow arrested before she kills me.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM And Then Self-Righteously Denying It
Angry man about faulty hard drive: Don't tell me it's empty when there's shit on it! Shit is shit and empty is empty! This thing is lying to me like the White House!
Electronics store, 2721 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Tony
3PM In the Sense That It Wouldn't Affect Us
Engineer: If there's a meltdown from us making [a particular mistake], how much damage would it do around the plant?
Sales guy: It's actually for New Brunswick, so it wouldn't be too big a deal.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Not moving to New Brunswick anytime soon
2PM Now What the Hell Are We Gonna Do about Our Infection Rate?
Cowboy #1 looking at catered lunch: Well, they sure didn't leave us any knives or anything to use with these cold cuts!
Cowboy #2: You're right!
Cowboy #1: I'd use mine, but I don't know if it's been rinsed this week... Haha!
Cowboy #2: Haha! Mine either!
Cowboy #1: Haha, yeah, and I know where mine's been!
Hospital conference room
Twin Falls, Idaho
1PM ... It's Still Fresh! Unbelievable!
Tech: When you open a Ziploc to find a severed hand...
Owings Mills, Maryland
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Someday You'll Be the Stupid Boss, So Have Compassion
Supervisor: Did you answer my phone while I was gone?
Worker bee: It didn't ring.
Supervisor: Well, did John call for me?
Worker bee: He didn't call. Your phone didn't ring.
Supervisor: But did you answer a call from John?
Worker bee: No, when your phone didn't ring, I didn't answer it, and when I didn't answer it, John wasn't the one that didn't call.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
10AM Hello? My Daughter!
Employee #1: It's spelled S as in 'Shoenique...'
Employee #2: Huh?
Denver, Colorado
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
5PM Good Point -- You Play It As It Lays
Man describing adoption of Chinese kid: .. And eventually you get a baby's photo and a medical history...
Hick female photographer: But let me ask you, what do you do if she's ugly?
Man: ... What did your parents do?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM How to Get 25 Hours Out of Your Day
Old lady to another: Sometimes when I'm out in the garden and I have to go, instead of walking all the way to the bathroom I just go in my pants and drop them in the washing machine on the way inside.
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disgusted in Stall #1
3PM He Does Freddies
Bond salesperson to trader: Yeah, Stew's* pretty conservative. He doesn't do Fannies.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
2PM Human Sacrifice?
Student worker: So, Joe* only got through four buckets today, so can I just do four buckets and go home?
Supervisor: No, you can't, because Joe washed all the buckets that were over there and built that huge pyramid with them.
Student worker: Awww, man! How can I compete with him when he builds pyramids?
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
1PM That's the Last Time I Try eHarmony
Coworker holding severely bent glasses to his face: I utterly despise her! She's terrible, and particularly useless because she's already married!
Marley Building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
12PM Her Neck Rises Up Out of a Clearing
Woman #1: I don't want to show you guys my hairy back!
Woman #2, singing: Hairy baaack, hairy baaack!
Forbes Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Yet You Can Speak Hebrew
Guy #1, in Hebrew: So, what retarded kid are you working with today?
Guy #2, in Hebrew: Dude. Those kids are around here, you know.
Guy #1: Yeah, but no one here knows Hebrew.
Guy #2: This school's like half Jewish. They might.
Guy #1: Not the retarded ones. They have enough trouble with English. You should know that -- you work here, too.
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: Knows Hebrew
10AM Buying That Defibrillator Really Paid Off, Huh?
Black lady: So, you dating again?
Chinese lady: No, why would I be dating?
Black lady: I thought your husband was dead!
Chinese lady: No, he's not dead.
Black lady: Well, good for you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
9AM There Might Be One behind the Cappucino Machine
Confused boy at info desk: Um, excuse me, do you know where the books are?
Popular book store
Mays Landing, New Jersey
Overheard by: looking at some right now
5PM She Supports Building Half an Immigration Wall
Woman #1: Did you see the Avon book in accounting?
Woman #2: No, I haven't.
Woman #1: Well, it's all in Mexican. Only a little bit on the back was in English... Instead of having the whole thing in Mexican, they should've just done it half and half.
260 West Seeboth Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM She's Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
Woman: She made it herself out of paper machete!
Massachusetts
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Why Josie Spoiled in the Heat
Chick #1: Sometimes when I'm not wearing a bra and I don't want my nipples to poke out I put Band-Aids over them.
Chick #2: You put mayonnaise on your nipples?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
Chick #2: Mayonnaise?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
9th and Broad Street
Chattanooga, Tennessee
1PM How Wrong Would You Like It to Be?
Production manager: All I'm saying, Betty*, is do something, even if it's wrong!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
12PM What Happens When You Add Silicone to Your Diet
Employee #1: So, I've been taking them for about a month now.
Employee #2: Yeah?
Employee #1: I don't feel bigger. Definitely... rounder... and harder, but not bigger.
Elk Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Nick Danger
11AM Donald Trump: You're Fired
QA agent: Can you remind the agents to put their comments in apprentices?
Team leader: In what?
QA agent: Apprentices. You know, the bracket things.
Team leader: Uhhh... Yeah, sure.
4 Mangrove Way
Montego Bay
Jamaica
Overheard by: Not an apprentice
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar
9AM And the Surgical Interventions
Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!
West End
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag
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