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5PM Like Bob?
Former military guy: Yeah, back when I was enlisted we used to joke that if we ever won the lottery that we would take off all our military owned equipment and walk out the front gate of the base in nothing but our underwear.
Senior admin: Oh my gosh! Wouldn't that mean you would be considered AOL?
North MacArthur Boulevard
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM I Shave First, of Course
Boss: I hate rubbing my hands on that while I'm banging away, so I cover all of the crevices with tape.
Portland, Oregon
3PM Last Year Was a Bad-Touch Trade Show
Lou*: Who do I call to get a shirt for the trade show?
Jen*: You email Erin*.
Lou: Can I just copy you in so I have a witness that this year I ordered a men's shirt?
Lake Success, New York
2PM She Got Three Fewer Diseases, Though
Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin' tired. I've been actually having sex since four o'clock Saturday 'til six o'clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that's nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I'm so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.
North O'Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas
Overheard by: So that's what 'being rode hard and put away wet' looks like
1PM Well, My Body Has Pen Pals
Korean teacher: Do you have a boyfriend?
English teacher: No.
Korean teacher: Don't you get lonely?
English teacher: Not really.
Korean teacher: Doesn't your... body get lonely?
English teacher: Did you really just say that?
Korean teacher: I'm not sexually harassing you! My English just isn't good!
Sacheon
South Korea
12PM Just the Sort of Argument a Hair Lawyer Would Make
Hair stylist: What do you do for a living? You look like a lawyer.
Customer: Actually, I'm a doctor.
Hair stylist: Well, that's a kind of a lawyer.
Cloverdale Plaza
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM Have to Wonder How She Got a Teaching Certificate
Assistant: I just talked to the stupidest woman ever. It was an honor. At first it was frustrating before I was overcome by the joy.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Heather
10AM Hard to Believe
Geek #1 with barrettes in his hair: Do you have any tape?
Geek #2: I don't give tape to guys who wear barrettes.
Geek #1: They're sparkly butterflies.
Geek #2: Whatever. I don't have any.
Geek #1: Do you have anything that works similar to tape?
Geek #2, rummaging in desk: I have some deodorant... and some mouthwash.
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM But You'd Only Be Prosecuted for the Former
College student: So, if you stab someone and then stand there and watch them bleed to death, are you killing them or letting them die?
Logic professor: Well, I guess you would accomplish both.
Middle Tennessee State University
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
5PM And Clean Up after Yourselves
Flight attendant: ... And if this love plane becomes a love boat, please use your seat cushion as a flotation device.
Sacramento International Airport
California
Overheard by: Wishing I wasn't sitting next to my grandmother
4PM Yeah, Baby, the Pusher Knows What You Need
Coworker on phone: I'll meet you down at the corner. Bring me anything you have that is SpongeBobby or princessy.
East Marshall Street
Richmond, Virginia
3PM Well within Their Ability to Bleed to Death
Engineer: So, this system should give the operators a maximum of 200 blisters per minute.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Great, Now I Have to Explain to Her What Football Is
Young man #1: Would you rather take a shit right here in the mall and get arrested and laughed at, or have Mike Ditka sit on your face?
Young man #2: Dude, I'm on the phone... No, Mom, that was just some guy... Mike Ditka is an old football coach, Mom... No, he's not here, he's in Hollywood or somethin'.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Is There Anything You Guys Could Do about That?
Concerned mother on phone: My son just informed me that the room deposits are due tomorrow.
Secretary: Yes.
Mother: But I'm in Germany, and if I mailed in the money it would take two weeks.
Secretary: Your son could pay with a debit card or cash.
Mother: I gave him a debit card and he lost it.
Secretary: Uh-huh.
Mother: ... My son is a goddamned idiot.
Virginia
12PM This Week I'm Speed-Reading a Case of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
Manager: Instead of wine night, we call it 'book club.'
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
11AM Cut Scenes from Midnight Cowboy
Bus driver: Your bus pass isn't working.
Passenger: Sorry, man, it should. I just got it yesterday... It's new.
Bus driver: It's just not working... Just come on anyway. I love you, man.
Passenger: Thanks, bro. I love you, too.
Downtown bus terminal
New York, New York
10AM Which Is Also Part of the Joke
Mid-level manager #1: I've become a running joke.
Mid-level manager #2: Really? I didn't know you knew that.
Mid-level manager #1: [Long pause] I just caught on.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Cube dweller
9AM I, for One, Welcome the Coming of That Day!
Office grunt #1: You know, it must be kind of easy to be conservative.
Office grunt #2: Yeah, it probably is.
Office grunt #1: Because they always have the fall-back slippery slope type of argument. 'Well, if we allow this, then this could happen, and this could happen, and what about this? Camels may roam the streets in gangs!'
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Shannon
5PM I'm Not Falling for That Again
Male coworker wearing striped shirt: Hey, nice shirt -- we match!
Female coworker: Oh, yeah, we do.
Male coworker: We could do a dance or something. We already have matching costumes.
Female coworker: Or we could strip!
Male coworker: [Laughs nervously and walks away.]
Massachusetts
4PM I Read That in a Fortune Cookie Once
Girl: God, she is such a bitch!
Guy, matter-of-factly: Hos gotta be bitches or they get no respect.
540 Baxter Street
Athens, Georgia
3PM Oh, and You're Working Sunday
Boss watching Sin City: Dibs on Jessica Alba.
Employee #1: I'll fight you for her.
Boss: Okay. [They spar for a second, then the boss kicks the employee in the shin and slaps him in the head, dropping him to the floor.]
Employee #1: Ow.
Employee #2: Just not smart, dude.
Employee #1: It hurts so bad.
Boss: Respect dibs.
Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: He can have her
2PM That's Why I'm Well-Behaved. And Deaf.
Loud old woman #1: Did you hear about that huge fight that took place over the weekend where that teenager got killed?
Loud old woman #2: That's why people should beat their children! Then this wouldn't happen!
3430 Courthouse Drive
Ellicott City, Maryland
1PM I'd Have to See Them Dance
Female potential juror: I can't sit on a jury for religious reasons. I don't believe in judging people.
Lawyer: This is a negligence case. You won't be deciding if somebody is good or evil. There's no question of morality involved.
Female potential juror: Whatever -- it's against my religious convictions to judge people.
Lawyer: You understand that we're not asking you to send someone to Hell -- you just have to decide whether or not they were clumsy.
Supreme Court
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
11AM The Thin Line between Clean and Dirty
Italian musician in broken English: Excuse... Can you... wash... my instrument?
Agent: What?
Italian roadie: He wants to know if you have a cloth to clean his instrument.
Agent: Oh. Oh. Okay. God, I almost just smacked him!
Italian musician: Wash my instrument now?
Vienna
Austria
10AM But She Can Still Be Called As a Witness
Coworker #1: You know how when you're dating a girl and you find out she has morals...
Coworker #2: Yeah, you give it three dates and then you lose her number.
Monterey, California
Overheard by: Horrified
9AM George and Laura Discuss Traveling with the Twins
Coworker: Well, we think we'll put them on leashes at the airport, because what if they get away from us? Nobody will know who we are, and nobody will know who they are.
Beacon Hill
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Donnie Only Pretends to Take the Ritalin
Giftie #1: 'Quixotic' is so the best word you can make in Scrabble.
Giftie #2: It is not. The best is-- Oooh! Ice cream truck!
Bayview and Eglinton Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM I'm a Secretor
Goatee guy on cell: Make sure you sanitize the keyboard.
Parking garage stairwell
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: iggy
3PM Oh, I Don't Mind...
Secretary #1: Oh! Um...
Secretary #2: Don't mind me -- I'm just fiddling in your drawers.
Solicitor's office
Lincolnshire
United Kingdom
2PM ... If That
X-ray tech getting off phone: My son wants me to come home so bad. My kids always get like that when they are sick.
Coworker: Well, isn't your husband at home with him?
X-ray tech: Yes, but they always want me instead -- they are so attached. It's probably because I used to sing them this really cute song when they were babies.
Coworker: What's that?
X-ray tech: 'Mommy's your best friend, Mommy's your best friend, Daddy's your second best friend!'
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Thugalicious Baller
1PM Because That's Our Target Market
CSR on phone with customer: Well, are you normally a weak-minded person?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
12PM By Birth, Marriage, or Popular Acclamation?
Blonde: I'm queen of the Gentiles!
Owings Mills, Maryland
11AM No, Wait, What Am I Thinking? That's Not a State.
CSR: Yeah, Alabama is first. I can't think of any other states that start with 'A'... Mhmmm... Oh, right, Arizona. And Iowa.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Some Adages Just Don't Translate to English Very Well
Peon: It still wouldn't look like soup to me, even if the dog was swirly.
143 South Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM At the Revisionist Bible Thumpers of America Meeting
Maintenance guy: It says you shouldn't sleep with your dog... or your brother.
Route 447
Canadensis, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mistro
5PM I Just Want Permission, I Don't Care Whose
Blonde on cell: Yeah, well, I didn't think I could either 'cause I was on those antibiotics, but he said I could, so that's cool.
Elevator, large insurance company
Bloomington, Illinois
Overheard by: even that was too much information for me
4PM Everybody's Founding Fathers Drink the Blood of the Living
Vet tech #1: Aren't there a lot of castles in Pennsylvania? I was watching a show on TV about all the castles there.
Vet tech #2: I think you're thinking of Transylvania.
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: pooper scooper
3PM My Name's Trevor and I'm an Engineer. Hi, Trevor!
Woman on phone: He gave me a book of his own poetry that he'd had published and everything! But he's not a total fairy, though... He used to be an engineer.
Westmead
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: every3rdthought
2PM That's the Last Time I Dip It in Beer
Student aide #1: So, what happened next?
Student aide #2: Well, I had my eyes closed, and the next thing I know my fat-ass brother is on top of me, sucking my ear.
1121 Duvall Highway
Pasadena, Maryland
Overheard by: Disturbed English Teacher
1PM And What Is Your Plan for Keeping It from Them?
Analyst: I can give you the numbers in those divisions, but you can't go public with it.
Marketing manager: I'm not going to go public with it, just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who's going to be at the meeting?
Marketing manager: It's a stakeholder meeting. So, whoever wants to, you know. It's open to the public.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM See, That's What I Thought
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: No.
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: That's not a poncho, that's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's a poncho.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag with a hood. It's not a real poncho.
Worker #1: It is so a real poncho. It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a--
Worker #1: --It has arm holes.
Worker #2: Jeff*, it's a dry cleaning bag with a hood, and it smells like cat piss.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Soon I'll Be Able to Afford New Friends
Dude: All my meth addict friends are like, 'That's so cool. You have a job.'
Portland, Oregon
10AM But I Heard Something about Some New Arrestive Hormone Therapy
Woman: My daughter is 16.
Guy: Wow, she's almost grown.
Woman: I know -- in two years she'll be out of the house. I almost wish she had Down Syndrome so she would have to live with me forever.
Davenport, Iowa
9AM We Need to Be Disoriented and Dangerous
Boss: We need to be the blind kids with the M16s playing soccer.
Suit: [Silence.]
Boss: You understand what I'm saying?
64th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
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