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5PM Even If It Does Have a Giant Sunroof
Receptionist on phone: Mom, there are no pictures of them in the paper. I don't want to live in a decapitated house!
Lincoln Highway
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Assistant Girl
4PM No, but It's Bad That You Just Licked It
Ex-sorority girl yelling from her office: Is it bad that I can't tell what's on my sleeve?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: I don't think she has an inside voice...
3PM Is History the One with the Quadratic Equations?
Chick: My father went to Timbuktu.
Dude: Where is that, again?
Chick: Some county in Africa.
Dude: Some country in Africa?
Chick: Yeah. Africa is like Europe -- made up of lots of countries.
Dude: Oh. I was never good at history.
Chick: I think you mean geography.
Dude: Oh, yeah...
Dulwich Hill
Sydney
Australia
2PM If You Wanted to Know If I Found You Attractive, Bob, All You Had to Do Was Ask.
Receptionist: Thank you for calling ABC Company*. How may I assist you?
Caller: Is Bob*, Tom*, or Larry* available?
Receptionist: Yes, sir, all three are available. Do you have a preference?
Caller: Sexual?
Receptionist: [Long, awkward silence.] No, sir, I meant do you have a preference for who you'd like to speak to?
Caller: Um... Just pick whoever's cutest and makes more money.
Receptionist: Ummm... Okay... It's a pleasure to connect you...
16th Street and L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
1PM And Turn the Egg Timer As Needed
Girl #1: So, they really didn't have sex on Valentine's Day?
Girl #2: Yep.
Girl #1: Here's the thing -- he cooks her dinner, asks advice on wine... The least she can do is lay there for nine minutes.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: steff
12PM Naked and Sweating, I Find Myself Trapped in a Prison of My Own Making
Coworker: Hey, are you doing Lego naked in there?!
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: The joys of a home office
11AM "The Crow Flies at Midnight"
Boss: Let's be clear about this... Actually, no, let's be unclear.
10900 Martin Luther King Drive
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM Six Years of Marriage Only Earns You So Much Trust
Lady: Hey, Derek*, will you let me paint your toenails?
Man: Will you give me a blowjob?
Lady: ... Sure.
Man: Do the blowjob first.
3301 North Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: what office is this?
9AM Apparently They Go to the Same Waxer
Man: Answer me this -- just what the fuck does Chewbacca know about Tarzan, anyway?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pleasekillme
5PM Texas Law Is Pretty Clear That's Illegal
Lady #1: So, I've joined a pottery class. It's a group of people working in all different mediums. Everybody gets to make things according to their own artistic vision.
Lady #2, disgusted: Sounds very cultured.
Lady #1: Oh, no, haha -- it's not.
College and Park Street
Grapevine, Texas
4PM Diagnosis: Stupidity, Aggravated by Shame
Caller: I was trying to complete my request with your voice automated system, but it would not accept my diagnosis code.
Phone rep: Okay... what is your diagnosis code?
Caller: Oh... I don't have a diagnosis code.
201 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Juice
3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later
CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
2PM Wait, You Say It's What Would Jesus Do?
Soccer mom #1: The other night I saw a homeless man on the ground. It looked like he had fallen out of his wheelchair.
Soccer mom #2: Oh, no! Did you help him get back in it?
Soccer mom #3: No, you really shouldn't, because he could hurt you.
Soccer mom #2: ... Or bite you.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
1PM Joe Tautology Bares His Soul
Rich drunk guy: It's more fun to inseminate someone than have your wife inseminated.
5200 State Line Road
Kansas City, Missouri
12PM By the Way, Is Our Refrigerator Running?
Customer on phone: How much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: 75 gallons.
Customer: No, I said how much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: Ma'am, two hundred dollars will buy you 75 gallons.
Customer, exasperated: No, no, no! How much. Is two hundred dollars. Worth of oil?
Worker bee, confused now: Um... Two hundred dollars?
Customer: That's what I was askin' you! Jesus! [Hangs up.]
Worker bee: Did she just call up to ask me whether two hundred dollars is worth two hundred dollars?
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gypsy
11AM They're Having Their Annual Gala Next Door
Office liar: The Navy hires very conservative people to captain nuclear submarines.
Male coworker: Really?
Office liar: Yeah, every nuclear submarine captain I've ever met has been very level-headed.
Female coworker: How many nuclear submarine captains have you met?
Office liar: Hundreds!
West Loop
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Quick, Pass Me That Cigar
Boss #1: You going to mass to get your ashes done?
Boss #2: Oh, Jesus, I forgot all about that! Is it Ash Wednesday?
Tennessee
9AM He's an Arkansas Leg Hound -- Best to Let Him Finish
Camera assistant: Your dog's getting drunk off my pants.
Culver City, California
5PM Now Where's That Airplane Glue?
Girl: Oooh, I feel dizzy.
Coworker: Why?
Girl: This marker, I think.
Coworker: What about it?
Girl: Well, it says 'scented,' but when I smelled it it gave me a headache.
Coworker: That says fluorescent, as in it's a highlighter.
Girl: It says scented.
Coworker: Fluorescent means 'brightly colored,' it doesn't mean 'smell me.'
Girl, muttering: Well, I wouldn't smell it again anyway because it didn't smell very good.
38 Exchange Street
New Hampshire
Overheard by: Crystal
4PM They're Good Mostly for Office Supplies
Guy on phone waiting for other end to pick up: If I'm going to get caught embezzling, it's not going to be at a nonprofit-- [other end picks up] --Hi, Deborah*!
San Francisco, California
3PM At the Long John Silver's Exotic Erotic Ball
Lady: They're going to have fish, chicken, whips, whatever.
440 Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Shall I Season Your Fracture?
Managing director: What happened to you?
Warehouse employee: A skid fell on my leg. Don* just left to call me an ambulance.
Managing director: A skid of what?
Warehouse employee: ... Ground coriander.
Managing director: That came in today? Great! We've been waiting for that.
Warehouse employee: ... My leg is broken.
Managing director: And we appreciate that.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM But I Went Hellfire Missile and I Never Looked Back
Voluptuous coworker to two male coworkers: ... But this Air Force doctor took it and shoved it up there and, let me tell you, it was large.
Lunch room, Environmental company
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
12PM Either Be Weekly or Not at All, I Say
Warehouse supervisor: Hey, I have to start having these bi-weekly meetings now...
Sales chick: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Warehouse supervisor: Tell me about it. Anyway, is there anything you can think of that I need to address? ... Bi -- that means every other week, right?
Sales chick: Um, yeah.
Warehouse supervisor: I just don't like that word. Bi. It just sounds wrong.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM How about a Compromise? One Could Be a Priest
Young wife sighing: All I pray for is a gay son.
Husband: All our sons will be straight.
Young wife: Just the youngest one can be gay. I need one gay son. You won't even notice.
Husband: No, it won't happen. Costa Ricans don't have gay sons. And I want my name passed on.
Young wife: I'll wait until you go to work, then put makeup and heels on him and let him be himself. I need someone to talk to when you are gone.
Sandwich shop
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
10AM They All Went Red on the Same Day
Peon #1: Greenfield Community College has gone communist -- they're doing Vagina Monologues.
Peon #2: Don't get me started on Greenfield's vaginas.
University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
9AM The Game's Decided -- They're Just Running Out the Clock
Election board office manager: I don't know if you're aware, but every election you need to contact all the local funeral homes about absentee voting.
Worker: Ummm, funeral homes? Don't you mean nursing homes?
Election board office manager: Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Xanadu
5PM Going... Through... Withdrawal
Office grunt #1: The Internet is down. Email still works, but there's something wrong with the Internet.
Office grunt #2: So the Internet's running fine, right?
1 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'm gonna go with NO...
4PM I Do Eat a Lot of Chicken. Why?
German engineer: Yeah, it's a backdoor thing, and I got him right in the morning.
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
Overheard by: E40
3PM No Problem, Then
Coworker #1 on speakerphone: How do I Google something?
Coworker #2: Go to W-W-W dot Google dot com. Then just use it like any other search engine.
Coworker #1: What's a search engine?
Coworker #2: You know, like when you use Yahoo or MSN to look something up.
Coworker #1: I've never Googled before in my life, and I never want to again!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: it actually got worse
2PM The Photographs Didn't Give Me Much Choice on That First One
Coworker in middle of parking lot, screaming into cell: You can admit to having your dick in my ass, but you can't admit to that bitch you love me?! You bastard!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM But Why Are Male Women Getting Their Panties in a Bunch Over It?
Coworker in lunchroom: I don't know whether that's insulting to gay men or female women.
Des Moines, Iowa
12PM My Secret? I Keep a Bottle of Everclear in the Supply Room
Suit #1: Dude, that guy is falling over drunk in the middle of the day!
Suit #2: Lucky bastard.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jealous too
11AM Actually, It Was Just a Dry Run
Lady #1: Where were you yesterday?
Lady #2: I was at my mother's cousin's funeral.
Lady #1: Why, did she die?
Lady #2: Yes.
Raanana
Israel
Overheard by: Shy One
10AM That's Where You Come In -- Nickel Washer
Estimator: We're going to sit on their heads until they shit nickels.
8531 Marginal Way
Seattle, Washington
9AM And I Can Whip It Out As Needed
Consultant #1: Should we print copies so people can take notes?
Consultant #2: I never take notes -- I have a phallic memory. If I see it once, I always remember it.
Bay Area Boulevard
Houston, Texas
5PM Sounds Like Somebody Needs Half a Millipede
Coworker: This is one of the weirdest places I've ever worked. Ally's* rummaging in the bin for half a millipede, Jane* has to pathologically lock everything, and I'm going psycho telling people I don't need hugs.
Mallett Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM And Why Can't They Control Their Tendency to Generalize?
Asian girl hanging up phone: Why can't Asian people speak English?!
133 East 13th Street
New York, New York
3PM Review: Lacks Intuition
Tech #1: Phew! I just spent hours grabbing screenshots to show the manager what I've been doing.
Tech #2: Umm... You know he's blind, right?
Tech #1: So... I should send a note instead?
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not involved - really!
2PM Okay... Well, Parole Denied, Then
Office grunt: Now, just so you understand -- I'm no stranger to drugs.
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: where's the good stuff
1PM A Fine Distinction Is Still a Distinction
Over the cube wall: That's apples and oranges. But the oranges are red.
2nd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Murray
12PM Omagah, Bethany, Have You Seen The Trees Run Red?
Coworker on phone: Teenagers... Vampires... Trees and rain... I'm sold.
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Something People Will Get Tired of before They Even Hear It
Coworker #1: You look pensive.
Coworker #2: Well, I'm trying to come up with a new cliché.
Delaware
10AM That Would Fit with All of My Other Answers
Employee #1: What are you doing?
Employee #2: A crossword. What's the capital of Maine? Is it Rhode Island?
Lombard and Buchanan Street
San Francisco, California
9AM But Unfortunately, I Can't Cross the Street on My Own Yet
Bus boy #1: I went to the new hostess's MySpace page.
Bus boy #2: The little mousey girl?
Bus boy #1: Turns out she's bi. Got a picture on there of her getting nailed from behind by another chick with a strap-on.
Bus boy #2: God, if my mom would let me, I would marry her!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
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