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5PM Or a Q as in Cuba?
Phone rep: Can I get your name?
Customer: [Mumbles.]
Phone rep: I don't think I got that. Did that start with a 'K'... as in 'cat'?
Austin, Texas
4PM Christ: I'm Married to 'Em and I Have the Same Problem
Cube dweller: I still don't know if that was a man in a costume or a real nun that was grocery shopping!
Buffalo, New York
3PM Now He Has to Spend Four Months a Year There
Editor: It occurs to me that a pomegranate was not the best choice for fruit to eat at my desk.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
2PM To Be Fair, He's Staying Home with Seven of the Laker Girls
Chick: So, what are you doing tonight?
Dude: Going out.
Chick: Where are you going?
Dude: Somewhere.
Chick: Oh. With who?
Dude: People.
Chick: You're staying home tonight, huh?
Dude: Yeah...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: cupcakee
1PM Please Don't Feel You Have to Share Further Details
Coworker: I used to have a bunch of little beanbag Kermit dolls that got progressively blinder because I used to rub them against my chin and wear down the marble eyes.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle Nightingale
12PM And I'm Too Important to Go Look
Lady coworker #1: What was the word of the day yesterday?
Lady coworker #2: ... You mean from dictionary dot com?
Lady coworker #1: Yeah.
Lady coworker #2: Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails.
Lady coworker #1: Oh, neither do I. I just wanted to know what it was.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Unless I Find Out He's a Jets Fan
Sales rep on phone: I don't want to go see that doctor. He misdiagnosed and killed my grandfather... But he is my neighbor... Okay, I'll see him.
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: eric
10AM Stigmata Don't Just Come to You, You Have to Work for Them
Associate: You need something?
Woman: Yeah, maybe you know. Which are the nails they used to crucify Christ with?
Associate: ... Uh, maybe these?
Woman: Right. I don't think those are the ones I'm looking for, but you're on the right track.
Home Depot
Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
9AM Or I Could Just Steal One from the Shopping Center
Coworker #1: Artificial insemination?
Coworker #2: That way I could have a kid without whoring myself around as much.
Kansas
5PM Slowly, but Nevertheless
Worker: Bower birds are cool -- they've got it going on. Cassowaries are cool, too. They can eat a dog.
Leederville
Perth
Western Australia
Overheard by: Going on holidays
4PM Danny Here Takes Care of Exasturbating the Boss
Ditzy intern: I know you're busy so I'm not going to exasturbate things...
Suit: Oh, not at all... In fact, better that you exasturbate me than the boss.
1901 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
3PM And Ringtones
Worker bee: Does Anal Cunt have a MySpace page?
1500 Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: dmac
2PM I Hate "Bring Your Lion to Work Day"
Peon: Wow! I wouldn't sit on that even if its mouth was taped shut.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
1PM ... So Put This Plutonium in That Easy-Bake Oven
Senior project manager to younger engineer: To prove that something doesn't work you must first overload the crap out of it.
23rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: skippy
12PM But without the Hassle of a Trial
Supervisor #1: Anyone want any chocolate? I have three pounds.
Supervisor #2: From the boyfriend, huh?
Supervisor #3: I don't think I could eat three pounds of anything. What could I eat three pounds of?
Supervisor #1: Ice cream. I could eat three pounds of ice cream.
Supervisor #3: I could definitely eat three pounds of ice cream. That's kind of a gross thought, though.
Supervisor #1: It's like eating a preemie.
200 New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon hate v-day
11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To
Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
10AM You're Supposed to Read Them, Not Use Them As a Blanket
Retired lawyer: I'm just buried under these law documents.
Boss: Wait, are you practicing law without a license?
Retired lawyer: No, without knowledge.
2550 Q Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: C Dubz
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
5PM Why Women's Thoughts Should Remain Mysterious
Cube dweller #1: So she was talking dirty to me last night and I was all asking her what she was thinking about.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah? What was it, dude?
Cube dweller #1: She was thinking about some role playing shit, so I told her to tell me details, you know? I wanted to know exactly what it was!
Cube dweller #2: Yeah...
Cube dweller #1: So she starts laughing and says, 'I was actually trying to decide what boots I wanted to wear.' I'm like, 'You're talking about boots when I have a fucking hard-on? You've got to be fucking kidding me!'
Cube dweller #2: Did you do it anyway?
Cube dweller #1: Naturally...
Scituate, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Glad my wife doesn't wear boots....
4PM Sadly, Brad Never Graduated from the Simulator
Dude: Are you looking at pictures of naked women again?
Man: What kind of stupid question is that?
Dude: Yeah, sorry.
Man: Why don't you ask me what I'm breathing? 'Breathing some air there, huh? Boy, you sure do like your air.'
Dude: Yeah, I know, sorry. Hey -- that one's pretty.
Man: Tell me about it.
Starbucks
New York, New York
3PM I Prefer My Lies with Charts and Statistics
DBA: You're going to have to be more explicit when you say what you don't mean.
33rd floor, 1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Charliegator
2PM Because We Don't Know What Can't Be Done
Boss: We're trying to fit a round square into a peg hole.
53 West Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mark
1PM All My Botched-Surgery Cash Goes Straight into My Pocket!
Cube dweller #1: So, you were skinny before?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I had a botched hernia. They nicked my bowel -- it was like taking a dump on your organs.
Cube dweller #1: Man, that sucks. Didn't you get a big settlement for it?
Cube dweller #2: No, because I survived. Besides, the old lady got most of it in the divorce.
Cube dweller #1: Man, I'm never getting married.
Simi Valley, California
12PM And Sober Now, Thank God
Peon: I've seen her before at bars, but now she's just different... She's more cold now.
Intern: It's just sobriety. It changes people.
Peon: Good point. Wait, aren't you, like, 19?
Intern, offended: I'm 20.
F Street
Washington, DC
11AM Similarly, If He Comes in the Form of a Flood
Woman: I was talking to God the other day, and he told me he's coming soon, you know?
Man: Well, if he doesn't show up in half an hour I'm leaving.
Mexico City International Airport
Overheard by: Trece
10AM Without a Quorum No Meeting Can Break Out
Worker bee #1 walking up to group of coworkers: Hey, here's two of the people I'm looking for.
Worker bee #2: Scatter!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM They're a Tough Audience
Coworker on phone: Well, while you're waiting you should warm up the manatee.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM I'd Fix It Myself, but I'm Heading Out Soon
Young drone: Do you realize that everything you print has the heading 'Dead' on it?
Old drone: I wish they'd change that.
441 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Say 'Cerebellum' at the Deli Section
Teacher: I was sitting there thinking, 'If I only had a brain!' And then I thought, 'Duh! The Wal-Mart's open!'
Brookdale, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: Chris
3PM We'll Be Putting You in the Remedial Section, George
Male worker on way to LGBT conference: I can't believe we have to go learn about butch dykes -- I think I know a lesbo when I see one.
Female worker: You should be careful what you say around here.
Male worker: Don't get mad at me just because you've had a raspberry mustache one too many times.
Female worker: excuse me?
Male worker: Don't lie -- I know you've been down river when the dam broke.
Female worker: Uh...
52 South Main Street
Fall River, Massachusetts
Overheard by: bobby
2PM It's the Only Capital Crime in San Francisco
Employee #1: Is it warm outside?
Employee #2: Eh, it's a little chilly. Grab a sweater.
Employee #3: Or a vest. Or a sweater vest!
Employee #2: Oh, Sally*, no! It's never sweater vest weather.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
1PM Monkey: Take Your Time -- He's on Medi-Cal
Bookkeeper: He has a monkey! It's a medically trained monkey. It can dial 911. What it tells them, I'm not sure...
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
12PM Why Harold Got Fired
Woman, about bald Britney: She looks like a little child from Auschwitz!
Man: If only.
1040 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Limey
11AM No, Nothing Work-Related
Manager #1: Shit! I can't remember what I wanted to ask Al*...
Manager #2: If he's gay? If he's doing coke?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM That Poster of Paris Hilton Over Your Bed, for One Thing
Dude #1: Hey, thanks dude, you really didn't have to.
Dude #2: Oh, that's okay, man -- no problem.
Dude #1: So, how did you know I liked princesses?
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: lesley
9AM Probably Time to Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee
Drone #1: It's a different texture.
Drone #2: It's hard. I'll suck.
Austin, Texas
5PM I Could Have Stayed Home and Done That
Visiting consultant: I think we saw every public restroom in San Francisco. Just what I wanted -- a urine-filled holiday.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM I Should Be in the Ladies' Room Getting Ready for My Date with the CEO
Loud lady on cell: [Supervisor] called this morning to see if I was coming in. What does he care? I had a meeting this morning with him and Sam*. What were they going to do, ask me why I haven't been performing well? Did they want me to say I've asked to be transferred more than once because I've been sleeping with my supervisor and he won't stop harassing me? You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this right in front of my office.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Justtryingtohaveacigarette
3PM Oh, Stop Pouting, You Big, Wet Baby
Staff member holding disheveled pile of papers: Now I have to go hand this in with the pages all crinkly 'cause someone threw a water balloon into my cubicle.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: culprit
2PM They Were Gangbanging Me That Night
Cute office peon: What's wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I'm just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don't feel bad about that, Tom. It's not your fault that your friends can't come!
5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: And she knows this how?
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
12PM Get Your Tail Out of My Coffee!
Cube rat: You know, every time I eat something tiny like a nut or a seed I feel like a monkey.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: mego
11AM She's Seen Life Goes On, the Director's Cut
Peon #1, after dealing with an idiot tech from another company: Maybe she has an extra chromosome.
Peon #2: Are you saying she has Downs Syndrome?
Peon #3: Maybe it's like in Dune where you have the extra chromosome and you're super-human.
Peon #2: Something tells me Frank Herbert wasn't a geneticist.
Peon #1: I don't know. Some of those retards are really strong. They'll rip your fuckin' arms off.
160 South Old Springs Road
Anaheim Hills, California
Overheard by: ApollyonBoB
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
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