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5PM Twice Shy
Veteran employee: Looks like all the seats are taken for the meeting.
Newbie: Well, there are some by me -- looks like I am somewhat of a pariah!
Veteran employee: What? Oh you mean piranha -- the word is 'piranha.' It's a fish from, like, Australia. Oh, wait, does that mean you're gonna bite me?
75 Washington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
4PM But, Sadly, Never in the Same Room As a Map
Manager: Be sure that you take a coat with you if go over there, because when it's warm here, it's cold there.
Employee: In England?
Manager: Yeah, their summer is like our winter.
Employee: I don't think so.
Manager, frustrated: Well, it's true. I went there in May, and it was freezing. I had to wear a jacket all the time. They're in, like, a different hemisphere, or something.
Employee, laughing: No, they aren't. They're just further North than we are, and their climate's a little different. Australia's in a different hemisphere. England is in the same hemisphere that we are -- North... West.
Manager, in a cold fury: Look. I've been there.
Hamilton Drive
Smithfield, North Carolina
Overheard by: westward ho
3PM Taco Blackouts Are the Worst, Man
Peon #1: It smells like someone took a huge shit. What the hell is that?
Peon #2: It's the tacos. I had tacos for lunch. Does it smell like tacos?
69 North 69th Street
New York, New York
2PM The More I Think about It, the More Willing I Become
Worker girl: I have to clean my room when I get home tonight. Clothing is everywhere.
Worker guy: Why? Are you having someone come over?
Worker girl: Not planning on it, but you never know.
Worker guy: Why the hell do you bother picking up clothing? Maybe if it were actually filthy... But if you're going to let a guy look at your vagina, he should be willing to deal with a shirt on your floor.
McLean, Virginia
Overheard by: Well He's Right
1PM This Just In: Jerry Falwell and Jerry Garcia -- Separated at Birth
Cube rat #1 reading email: Is... Jason Smith* kin to Jason Ellis*?
Cube rat #2, in coddling tone: [Sigh] Just because their first names are the same doesn't mean they are related.
Cube rat #1: Oh, okay.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Hey, Artie, Do We Take Money?
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today?
Customer: Money.
Robb Drive
Reno, Nevada
11AM But in a Way That Keeps Me Coming Back
Stall #1: ... And so last week I told him the next time he wants a booty call, don't call me!
Stall #2: So, like, did he call you again?
Stall #1: Yeah, and I went over there last night. He's such a jerk!
Office
Rochester, Michigan
Overheard by: pee quiet
10AM That Was a Hint, Brainiac
Coworker: Here you go, sir. Enjoy the show!
Drunk customer, after buying Justin Timberlake tickets: Oh, these aren't for me, but I'll enjoy the head I'm getting for buying these tickets.
Ticket Center, Willowbrook Mall
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad he didn't come to my window
9AM Substantial Evidence of a Rocky Mountain High
20-something chick: Was it Colorado?
20-something dude: Yeah, that sounds right. There were a lot of unicorns.
Auburn, Massachusetts
5PM It's Clogged! Get the Plunger!
Tech #1: Have you read the email from the project managers?
Tech #2: Yes, I have. Would you like to create the reply?
Tech #1: Are you asking me to flush out the stupid?
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
4PM And Here I Am Giving It Away for Free Like a Sucker
Office grunt #1: So, why are you taking off on Friday?
Office grunt #2: To lay some pipe. 'Cause layin' pipe pays more than this job does.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Giggling Silently
3PM Oh, Triple-H! Take Me Away from All This!
Little girl running to discounted WWE book half her size: Yes! Now I've got it!
Waldenbooks, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
2PM I Have to Go Change My Pants
Intern: Lou* just said he really likes my sense of humor! He said I'm self-defecating! Can you believe it? Lou thinks I'm self-defecating -- he thinks I sit in my own shit! Lou's so cool.
Lou, two cubes away: I said 'self-deprecating,' you idiot.
Intern: Oh.
6707 Democracy Boulevard
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: One cubicle over
1PM Ironically, During the Actual Nuclear War He Handled Himself Fine
ERT member: Sir, you need to exit the building for the evacuation drill.
Employee re-entering building: I'm emotionally distraught. I can't participate.
Midwest
12PM Always Playing the Wushu Card
White coworker: We should go on the walking trail after work sometime.
Asian coworker: Yeah, that sounds like fun!
White coworker: I would feel safer with you because no one would attack us because they would think you know kung-fu.
Asian coworker: [Silence.]
Fayetteville, Arkansas
11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work
Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.
666 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office
10AM I Thought in Detail about Your Public Humiliation
Employee #1: I was watching American Idol, and I thought of you.
Grotesquely singing employee #2: Oh my gosh! That's so special!
Financial center
New York, New York
9AM ... For Less Than $2.99 a Minute
Boss on phone: Hi! I just wanted to call and see if you were all sparkly from all that fairy dust I sprinkled on you. You are? That's so hot!
Underling: I should so not be hearing this.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
5PM Yes... Yes... You'll Understand Why When You Meet Him
CSR on phone: So, we've set you an appointment with the specialist. His name is Allen*... and Allen is a guy.
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM There's No Room for Books at This Water Cooler
Coworker: Did you watch The Office last night?
Temp: No, I was reading.
Coworker: Well, buddy, you're working XYZ* Cable now. You better catch up so you know what we're talking about.
Temp: I'm a temp, I'm done this week anyway.
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Sixtwentysix
3PM 'Cause of Admission'
Patient looking at insurance form: Where this says 'Relation to patient,' what do I put?
Insurance employee: You can put 'Husband,' 'Spouse'... 'Love slave.'
6721 Lake Harbour Drive
Midlothian, Virginia
Overheard by: Pip
2PM In My Defense, I Also Talk about Sex All Day Long
Chick: Dude, you're such a poser. You talk about food all day long and then go home and eat salad. You're not a real fatty like me. Talk to me when you join the club.
500 West 4th Street
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
1PM Luckily Everybody Drinks
Male realtor: Have you ever been to England?
Lady office manager: No, why?
Male realtor: The women there are really ugly no matter how horny you are.
Highway 19
Florida
12PM Oh, Go Ahead -- I Need to Lose Some Weight, Anyway
Black woman: Cecil* has this giant boil on his back and he got this idea about using the vacuum cleaner...
White woman: Stop! I'm eating lunch here. No stories about boils.
Black woman: Would a story about Cecil's idea about constipation and a vacuum cleaner be alright?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM Or at Least According to My Dramatic Reconstruction of the Evening
Hung-over guy on cell: I'm telling you, I didn't rape her! She said we could have sex, right before she passed out.
On way to class
Virginia
Overheard by: I wanted to follow him and keep listening
10AM Oh, Wait! Was He That Guy in Bill and Ted?
History major associate: That little dude is such a jerk! He's got a major Napoleon complex going on.
Blonde assistant manager: Really? But he doesn't have a big nose or curly hair or glasses...
History major associate: What? Not Napoleon Dynamite! Napoleon Bonaparte!
Blonde assistant manager: Oh. I don't know then, I don't watch the news.
Overpriced soap store
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: she's our assistant manager
9AM Natural Selection Blows It Again
Chick #1: I miss birth control.
Chick #2: Me, too. Condoms are complicated.
South Inwood Road
Dallas, Texas
5PM Oh, Hell, I'm Smoking Right Now
Employee #1: Do you smoke?
Employee #2: I don't. Um, I try not to. Well, I did yesterday.
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: chain
4PM I'm Having No Trouble Suspending My Disbelief
Cube dweller: I can't believe I haven't taken a shower in a week. You can't tell, can you?
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: GeBuJuJu
3PM I Suppose I Could Have Tested Each One, But...
Newbie walking over to Poland Spring water machine: You know, I've never known which one of these is colder.
Boss: What you mean?
Newbie: I've never been sure if the red tab gives you colder water than the blue tab.
Boss: [Stares.]
Newbie: Do you know?
Boss: Yeah. It's the blue tab.
Newbie: Are you sure?
Boss: [Walks away.]
31 West Grove Street
Middleboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ryan Engley
2PM The Wrong Sort of Angel
Radio: 'So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse...'
Construction guy: That's me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
1PM It's the Enemy of Eye-Hand Coordination
Designer: Hey, I'm photoshopping -- no spanking!
West 5th Avenue
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: designgrl
12PM Why Are You Looking at Me Like That?
Male boss to female employee: The best way to learn is on your knees. That way they don't fall as far if you drop them.
Orlando, Florida
11AM Betty: Yet Another Ingenious Excuse to Get Out of Working
Tech guy: Yeah, Betty* left a Post-it at my desk because her computer was broken -- it wouldn't turn on, but then when I got there it seemed to be fine.
HR rep: Oh, she actually came to me about it so I just left the Post-it for her just in case, but I'm pretty sure the reason it wouldn't turn on was because she was pressing the big round Dell symbol instead of the start button.
5700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I can turn on my computer
10AM To Prevent Monkey-Deficiency Anemia
Cube dweller: I think you just need to eat more monkey...
731 Fairfield Court
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: it actually made sense at the time
9AM Never Anywhere Near a Diaper
Toddler: What are you doing?
Mom: I'm changing your diaper.
Toddler: Now what are you doing?
Mom: I'm wiping you.
Toddler: Where's my penis?
Mom: It's right there.
Toddler: Where's Daddy?
Stop & Shop
New Paltz, New York
5PM ... And She Lives in Nepal
Student: If I put more stamps on it, will it go faster? My sister's birthday is tomorrow.
Middlebury College Mail Center
Middlebury, Vermont
Overheard by: Disgruntled Mail Worker
4PM So We Can Punish the Innocent
Employee to systems guy: So, first of all, we want the truth.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM It's the Tragedy of the Human Condition
Office grunt: Sometimes you get a hole in your bag and you lose your chicken.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM The Long-Term Effects of Excessive Childhood Prank Calling
New legal secretary: Excuse me, is it Miss D. Meanor or Miss Demeanor?
Solicitor: You cannot be that stupid...
Plymouth
United Kingdom
1PM Could You Be Any Less Supportive?
Blonde in scrubs: When people around me are sick and won't stay home I'm not coming to work.
Redhead in scrub: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: I hate having sick people around me.
Redhead in scrubs: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: If a person is sick they should stay at home.
Redhead in scrubs: This is a hospital.
1100 Marshall Street
Little Rock, Arkansas
12PM It Told Me to Ask You for a Raise
Girl: Just so you know, I have a gigantic cyst on my vagina.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
11AM Why the President Has a Press Secretary
CSR interrupting production meeting: Hey, sorry, but Dan* from XYZ company wants to know when he can expect his job.
Tech supervisor, screaming: Tell him when hell fucking freezes over! Jesus! I'm fucking tired of these pushy customers! And their shitty little jobs!
CSR: Okay... That's uh... He's uh... standing right over there...
Tech supervisor: [Stunned silence.]
Boss: Well, you can go take care of that one, buddy... He's all yours.
1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Mouth opened, foot inserted
10AM Filed in the Necrophiliac Section? Incompetent Bastards.
Chick: What is this, pedophile music?
Munkegata, Oslo
Norway
9AM Last Month This Big Girl Sat on My Head
Stylist: How do you want your hair?
Customer: Short on the sides and blended with no weight line. I don't want to look like a circumcised penis.
Great Clips
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Yeah - one is enough
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