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5PM When I Went There on Vacation
Coworker #1: New Mexico is a state? Since when?
Coworker #2: Uh, for quite some time now.
Coworker #1: Oh. Well, I didn't know West Virginia was a state until last year.
New York, New York
Overheard by: She has a college degree
4PM Unlikely -- You Always Look Like Shit
Boss to late employee: Where have you been?
Blonde: Hi.
Boss: You look like shit today.
Blonde: Maybe that's because I was up all night fucking!
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jonny Z
3PM No, I Need It for This Spear Wound in My Side
Cube dweller: You know, I thought I had stigmata once... Turns out I just had really dry skin.
Receptionist: Can I have my lotion back?
1 Tampa City Center
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: That little broad
2PM Also Like the Pound
Guy in crowded elevator that smells like disinfectant: Have you ever been to jail? It smells like jail in here.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: No, I never have
1PM Maybe I Should Stop Eating All of the Stale Doughnuts
Waitress: I think I'm gaining weight.
Waiter: What makes you say that?
Waitress: I've put on 18 pounds since I started working here.
Waiter: Maybe you're pregnant.
Waitress: It can't be. You cannot get pregnant by the finger!
210 North 77 Sunshine Strip
Harlingen, Texas
Overheard by: Omar
12PM Retard Sandwiches? So '80s
Frustrated clerk to group of traders: Did you guys have retard sandwiches for lunch or something?
Smart-ass in back: I had a burrito.
Trading Desk
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Walking by...
11AM Oh, I Know
CCA: So, I have to get some KY jelly for my puppy. I've never really lubricated a dog's rectum before, you know?
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM I Excel at That
Guy: Can you do me there?
Woman: What?
Guy, yelling: Do me in the spreadsheet!
Rutgers office of Information Technology
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the next room
9AM The Alpha Male Restores Order in the Pack with a Show of Aggression
Sales guy slamming down phone: Fucking bitch.
Boss: Tell me you didn't just slam the phone down on our biggest billing client.
Sales guy: What? She couldn't hear that.
Boss: What the fuck are you talking about?! I get the phone slammed down on me all the time -- I fucking hear it.
Sales guy: Yeah, I guess maybe she could hear it.
Boss, picking up phone: Call me.
Sales guy, getting very nervous: No, it's okay. I'm sorry.
Boss: Fucking call me. I said call me! Fucking do it now! [Sales guy calls. Boss starts slamming his receiver against his desk screaming] Can you fucking hear that?! Huh?! Can you fucking hear it, bitch?!
Sales guy: I hear it, boss, I hear it. Please, please stop.
Cleveland Street
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: amused coworker
5PM Paris Latsis Needs to Work on His Game
Customer: So, yeah, the wedding's off. I just couldn't deal with her mother, you know?
Salesgirl: Totally.
Customer: She was just always sticking her nose into our business -- we couldn't get a moment of peace.
Salesgirl: Yeah.
Customer: And then, of course, [my wife] goes and tells her about my impotence, and it all went downhill from there.
Salesgirl: God. Well, you did the right thing. Just hang in there.
Customer: Mmm. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you, Julie*.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
4PM How Leo's Pants Got Pulled over His Eyes Remains Something of a Mystery
Union worker: Listen... Listen to me. You can't fool me. I am my father's son. You can't pull the shirt over my eyes. You do what you gotta do.
309 West 49th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: fredshah
3PM James Madison Drops Traditional Wrestling, Adds Jell-O Variant
Guy #1: I love the Jell-O here.
Guy #2: Yeah... Want to go take a shower?
Guy #3: Hell yeah, let's go take a shower!
Guy #1: Alright, I'll run to my room, drop off my stuff, and we can head over to take a shower.
Kinsolving dining room
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HornFan
2PM Not Bonobos, At Least
Coworker on phone: What?! Suck on it?! No, never! I would never suck on it... I've used my hands and fingers, but I would never put that in my mouth! We're not animals! [Hangs up and notices coworkers staring. Turns out it was about cleaning a newborn's nose.]
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: the quiet one
1PM Sheriff, Any Idea Why This Boy Would Brutally Murder His Mother?
Baby mama to friend: These little boy clothes is so cute! If I have a boy I am going to name him D'jon, 'cause I love mustard!
Baby Gap
Towson, Maryland
12PM It's a Little Sticky
Guy #1: Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bathroom?
Guy #2: What?! No, of course not!
Guy #1: Oh, okay... Good spot, ain't it?
Antwerp
Belgium
Overheard by: meneither
11AM Native Americans: Jeez, Even the Bigots Ignore Us!
CEO to new sales rep: Use your judgment when it comes to payment schedules. If they sound like good people -- you know, like normal Americans on the phone -- we'll bill them. But Ay-rabs and Orientals pay COD. You have to watch those bastards, 'cause they'll all fuck you.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Overheard by: Really glad I gave notice yesterday
10AM I'm Just Saying
Employee: There's someone parked out back in my parking space.
Manager: I hate when that happens. Years ago this woman used to park in my spot all the time... She's dead now.
Birmingham Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
9AM The Things We Underwear-Users Take for Granted
Old lady on cell: Well, I went commando once, but the whole day I was just super paranoid. What if it got flies in it or something?
3501 Quail Springs Parkway
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
5PM And All Pointing in the Right Direction
Woman on phone: Well, it'll be nice to have teeth in your mouth again.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
4PM Yeahhh, Definitely Need My Smoothie. Yeahhh
Chick: A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. As long as I have my smoothie, I'm okay. Smoothie -- okay. No smoothie -- not okay.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
3PM Scientists Vow to Get to Bottom of IT / B.O. Link
IT guy: Hey, can I convince one of you to go get me and my friends a coffee?
Production manager: What friends? All I see is you.
IT guy: My friends. Y'know, the people I hang with.
Production manager: No one hangs with you.
Production assistant: Yeah, you smell bad.
Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
2PM I'm Writing Up a Review of the Wii
IT guy yelling across room: How do you spell 'boner'?
Orlando, Florida
1PM God: I Actually Can't Stand Watching People Chew
Dude #1: I have a massive penis.
Dude #2: Dude, you don't even have pubes!
Dude #1: Want me to pull one out?
Dude #3: Do you have no shame?! Do you think God stops watching you at the lunch table?! And, Coco, you know you have an average-size penis.
Gaston Christian School, 1222 North Hope Road
Gastonia, North Carolina
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
11AM Only the Office Fix-a-Flat Kit Kept Her from Deflating
Woman #1 sneezes, then looks terrified.
Woman #2: Are you alright?
Woman #1: I think I just blew out my tampon.
Ventura, California
10AM I Haven't Been Near a Moon for Years
Old guy unzipping at urinal: The eagle has landed.
Guy at other urinal: What does that mean?
Old guy: I don't know.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: guy at urinal #4
9AM So Anyway, I'm Off to Hike Up His Rent and Vandalize His Car
Ugly lady: He only comes over and fucks me when he's really, really angry.
Friend: Oh. Jeez.
Ugly lady: So that's as wrong as I think it is?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Yeah, I Like the Attention, Though
Frustrated employee to dim coworker: If you'd stop being an idiot I wouldn't have to hate you anymore.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Feel The Same Way
4PM If That's Work, Then I Don't Want to Play!
Lady: ... So it's a strap-on, then. You just clamp it on and let it go to work.
Deer Park, Texas
3PM Have You Considered Not Sleeping?
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don't gets it. I's lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don't know where they be comin' from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I's wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I'm referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain't gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don't have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM Looky Here, Somebody Threw Away a Perfectly Good Employee
Sales guy: If anyone needs Larry* in the warehouse, don't call. He's in the dumpster.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM The Coen Brothers: We're on It!
Coworker: You know, they really need to make more Queen Latifah movies.
4501 East Virginia Avenue
Glendale, Colorado
12PM I Think I Agree, but I Don't Care for Your Tone
50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn't even have to be seasoned! It's from the ocean!
Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York
11AM Why You Should Have Sex before Marriage
Newlywed father-to-be on phone to coworker: Yeah, it's great! Although... It's very large and hard... For some reason I thought it would be squishy.
4001 South 700 East
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Really hopes he's talking about his wife's belly...
10AM Rat: Jeez, I'm Flattered, but This Is Not My Size
Woman #1: I dropped a condom back there.
Woman #2: They never clean.
Woman #1: Well, there's a rat back there, that's why I dropped it.
2000 Florida Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: animal lover
9AM Tell Me What You Think a 'Book' Is
Patron: Ummm, I'm looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it's called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you're in a fuckin' library, right?
Austin Public Library
Austin, Texas
5PM When Total Immersion Goes Too Far
Anthropology student: Hey, I got the turds for the ass game!
Locust Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: don't want to know
4PM Boss: Excellent! The Employees Have Become Self-Punishing
Clumsy coworker drops pile of files: Nobody look at me! I want to be alone!
1300 York Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jennifer
3PM Help Him, Obi-Wan Kenobi, You're His Only Hope
Lady coworker: I really need to rent the Star Wars movies and watch them again. I only remember, like, the old guy and the little robot thingy.
4505 Maryland Parkway
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Princess Leia
2PM I Don't Like Being a Round Myself
Blonde: So, have you taken any Lamaze or yoga classes to help with the birth?
Preggers: No, the thought of having to be around all those pregnant women made me sick.
Oakland, California
1PM Also Cleans Up Easier Than Motor Oil
Hairdresser: Oh, by the way, thanks for the tip about the Astroglide -- it's awesome! Client: Oh, you finally got some? And you love it?!
Hairdresser: Love it? I had to tell Paul* I saw an ad in Cosmo, or he'd know I was talking about our sex life at work.
Client: So, it's cool, right? And doesn't dry up, right?
Hairdresser: Listen, it makes him forget he's a New York police officer -- totally awesome!
Hillsdale, New Jersey
Overheard by: Receptionist
12PM The Ballerinas Decide to Go to America
Bimbette: Hey, remember the time we broke the toilet?
Blonde: Yeah, stuff like that happens to us.
Bimbette: I wonder what will happen to us next...
Blonde: Let's have a threesome with someone famous!
Bimbette: With who?
Blonde: A Beatle... John Lennon?
Bimbette: Duh, he's in America!
Blonde: Duh, he's dead!
Bimbette: Yeah, but he's still in America.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Same Cubicle, Different Pair
11AM Personally, I Mastered the Whole Fork-to-Mouth Thing over a Year Ago
Blonde: Oh, you can't make the appointment tomorrow?
Older lady: No, I have a rehearsal dinner tomorrow.
Blonde: Oh, wow! What play are you in?
Older lady: No, a rehearsal dinner is for a wedding.
Blonde: Oh! ... Why do you have to rehearse dinner?
Westport Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Glad I'm not blonde
10AM Must've Been Their Upbringing
Little girl holding Bad Santa: Nana, can I get this Santa movie?
Grandmother: No, you can't.
Little girl: But my mommy and daddy watched it.
Grandmother: That's because your parents are bad people.
Wal-Mart
Raynham, Massachusetts
9AM Damn Health Code
Little boy looking at stuffed animal: Look, Mommy, it's the monkey that comes out of your butt!
Mother: Yes, it's the monkey that flies out of your ass. That's why we're not going back to Chuck E. Cheese's.
Learning Express
Exton, Pennsylvania
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