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5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate
Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.
Santa Barbara, California
3PM I Just Hate Being Held Accountable for My Actions
CSR: Thanks for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Client on phone: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger* and we lost connection. Maybe you can finish walking me through whatever.
CSR: Sir, we do not have a Roger. You were just talking to me. We didn't lose connection. You hung up on me and I was walking you through understanding that our software does not do "whatever."
Eighth Floor, Galleria
Hoover, Alabama
2PM Either Way, Really
Plumber: What do I have to do to install gas lines?
Admin: You have to take our class and enroll in a drug and alcohol testing program.
Plumber: You mean I gotta be on drugs to install gas lines?
Admin: No, sir, you have to NOT be on drugs.
Plumber: Oh, OK. I can do that.
5461 Southwyck Boulevard
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Emily
1PM The Best Diagnosis Canada's Health Services Have Been Able to Come Up With
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Overheard by: Going to class
12PM At the Johnny Carcinoma Show
Boss: So did you work things out?
Intern: Yeah, I talked to him when I dropped the tumor off.
Martin Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: sleeping with my eyes open
11AM So Act Like a Robot That Acts Like a Human Being
Woman on phone: Could you please just act like a human being?... Oh, right, I forgot. You're a Transformer.
42nd Street
New York, New York
10AM Snakes in a Colon
Suit #1: So she said the snake got loose in her apartment and they can't find it.
Suit #2: Well, until they do, she's gonna have to sleep with her ass up aganst the wall!
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Oh, This Won't Look Good at All in Court
Coworker: I was settling in for a little infidelity, and instead I got rape! But it was good.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
4PM Shopping at Tautology
Girl: Excuse me, do you carry tonic water?
Stock boy: Yeah, I think so. I mean, if we have it, it's probably somewhere in the store.
Girl: Uh, thanks.
Schnooks
Memphis, Tennessee
3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.
Best Buy
Astoria, New York
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
12PM Either That or a Pair of Pants
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I'll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it's a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
11AM Why Don't You Give It to Me Now So I Can Call You Later and Get It from You
Suit #1: Why didn't you call me?
Suit #2: I didn't have your number.
Suit #1: If you called me I could have given it to you.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
9AM Which Was Named After the McDonald's Clown and That Suicide Girl
Employee #1: So how do we go about naming our aircraft?
Employee #2: Well, the Reserve has a plane named The Spirit of Ronald Reagan.
Employee #1: Who is that named after?
Boss: It's named after the airport, I think.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X
Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: mmhmmm
4PM It's Where the Porn Stars Go
Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.
Bethesda, Maryland
3PM Here, I'll Show You with My Fingers -- The Difference Is the Long One in the Middle
Senior consultant: Hey, what's the difference between four and five?
Consultant: How am I getting paid less than you?
Waterloo, London
Overheard by: he said what I was thinking
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
1PM Sir, You Need More Services Than I Can Provide
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
9800 Fredericksburg Road
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Raydran
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM This, for Example, Appears to be a Videotape from the Reagan Years
New mother: You would not believe all the stuff that keeps coming out of your body.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
9AM He's Adopted
Patient: Yeah, I have a twin brother about my age.
Presbyterian Hospital
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless RN
5PM The 'Advanced' Section of the Kama Sutra Is Not for Everyone
Manager: Yeah, in order for me to work it out, I had to bend over backwards and slap some K-Y jelly on it.
Radio Shack
California
Overheard by: Stephen
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM After Her Last Album's Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump
Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That's the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I'm a carnie. Carnie!
Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho
Overheard by: They have small hands.
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
12PM Which Reminds Me: It's Performance Review Time
Coworker #1: How's the weather outside?
Coworker #2: Pretty good, it's like getting spit on.
Brooklyn Army Terminal
Brooklyn, New York
11AM So I Knew All the Questions Ahead of Time
GRE taker #1: That math section sure was hard.
GRE taker #2: Yeah, I was real confused with the angle-side-angle calculations.
GRE taker #1: I thought it was tough, too, but thankfully I took astrology last semester.
Fayetteville State University
Fayetteville, North Carolina
10AM Do the Math? Do the Math? You Can't HANDLE the Math!
Customer: They're three for $0.99.
Cashier: We don't sell them at that price. They're $0.33 each.
Big Lots Store #1906, 498 South Boulder Highway
Henderson, Nevada
Overheard by: Lee Hall
9AM The Godfather: It Should Really Go at the Feet
Guy: Facedown in cement... it just doesn't do you any good.
Applied Physics Lab
Maryland
Overheard by: scared
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
1PM I Thought You'd Never Ask!
Salesman: And then you're cruising for a bruising.
Sales manager: How old are you?
Salesman: What?
Sales manager: "Cruising for a bruising"? My grandma said that!
Salesman: How about "truckin' for a fuckin'"?
Sales manager: OK.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12PM And Conveniently Carries Enough Ice to Cover an Unconscious Body in a Bathtub
Engineer: Where do I put this cooler?
Scientist #1: You know what that cooler is?
Engineer: Um, no.
Scientist #1: That's my old date cooler.
Scientist #2: Huh?
Scientist #1: 'Cause it's tall enough for a bottle of wine.
Scientist #2: I had a cooler too, for organs.
Engineer: This one's tall enough for a whole lung!
Highland Avenue
Cheshire, Connecticut
11AM Actually She Just Had a Cold, But We Take Her Living Will Very Seriously
Employee: You know my friend didn't die the other day when they, uh, disconnected her.
Manager: Oh no?
Employee: But she's dying right now. It took forty-eight hours. I wonder if she's hungry.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jersey Girl
10AM Except Today They Were Spouting Some Nonsense About Loving My Neighbor
Coworker #1: What radio station do you listen to on your way to work?
Coworker #2: I listen to a Christian station so I can prepare myself for dealing with you assholes.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: one of the assholes
9AM This Could Explain Why Her Teeth Chipped Yesterday Morning
Woman #1: Oh, look at the pretty rock!
Woman #2: Um... that's part of a blueberry muffin.
Woman #1: Oh.
Monument Circle
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Gitcher Eyes Checked
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