9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You

Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.

132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

1PM What Smoke-Free Non-Coffee-Drinkers Do on Work Breaks

Reporter to another on deadline day: Hey, you wanna go kick each other in the balls and forget it's Thursday?

81st Street and Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Overheard by: I don't have balls, but I know the feeling

2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?

Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?

42 Broadway
New York, New York

3PM Don't Let That Cut into Your 20% Napping Time

Marketing director: Eighty percent of what we do is called 'wasting time.'

Massachusetts Avenue NE
Washington, DC

11AM But Apparently Mom Needed That Medicine to Breathe...

IT girl on phone: ... So when she sent that e-mail saying 'ASAP,' I waited 'til five PM, just to be hateful.

4801 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri

4PM Out of What?

Junior art director: I have 44 minutes to make a baby.

303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: wha?

1PM If It's Not in My Day-Timer, It's Not Gonna Happen

Employee #1: I have an emergency at two PM.
Employee #2: That's a very scheduled emergency.

Scottsdale, Arizona

3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process

Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.

Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: jennifer

11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description

Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.

498 7th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: I care

2PM Friday Afternoons Quickly Degenerate into Hide-and-Seek

Assistant: What are you up to?
Boss, gleefully: I'm fucking about!

Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Kate

3PM And Guess What -- I'm Just As Employable As You

Housekeeping lady, emptying cubicle garbages: Were you in a training class all week?
Engineer: Yes. It made for a long week.
Housekeeping lady: I swore I would never go back to another class after I graduated high school.

Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: Lisa

12PM FEMA, Is That You?

Engineer: What's the time frame on this? I don't have time for it right now.
Project manager: ASAP, but it can wait for now.

Von Karman Avenue
Irvine, California

12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant

Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.

870 Market Street
San Francisco, California

9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile

Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.

400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: AndyDan

3PM The Privilege of Rank

Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.

Wausau, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Gee, Thanks

11AM I Notice You Didn't Mention Anything About Sobriety...

Worker #1: So, what time do you usually stroll into the office in the morning? I'm assuming you're not an eight AM guy...
Worker #2: What makes you think that?
Worker #1: I'm older -- I know things.
Worker #2: And because I sprint into the office 'cause I'm always late.
Worker #1: So, what time is safe for a meeting? Meaning you need to be able to one: talk, two: listen, three: understand, and four: ask questions if you have them.

336 Robert Street
St. Paul, Minnesota

Overheard by: Justin

2PM Mind If I Watch You Work?

Manager: Hey, you got a sec?
Developer: What's up?
Manager: I'm trying to figure out how much to charge the client for that new feature. How hard would it be for you to add it?
Developer, smirking: I can do it in 10 minutes... with my dick.
Manager: Sooo... about five hundred bucks then.

543 Richmond Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: laughing new guy

10AM Are We Done Yet?

Boss: Do you have five minutes so I can talk to you for a sec?

Orlando, Florida

3PM Dr., Have You Noticed That the Men in This Ward Have Seizures Every Weekday Afternoon?

Old man worker #1, across the room: Is the softball team jumping around again?
Old man worker #2, looking out the window: No, they're running now.
Old man worker #1: That's just as good.

College Boulevard
Overland Park, Kansas

10AM Um, Isn't That Why Bob Left in the First Place?

Woman #1: The classified logo scripts aren't working.
Woman #2: Bob* is working on them, but he's going on vacation tomorrow so the scripts won't be done until September.
Woman #1: September?!
Woman #2: Yeah, well, you can have IT work on it, but then who knows how long it'll be before they get around to doing it.
Woman #1: Think they'd do it faster if I showed them my boobs?

1111 West Bonanza Road
Las Vegas, Nevada

1PM It's Really More about Whether You Bring in Good Snacks

Supervisor: Why do you want to do this?
Mid-level worker: Because no one else is, and it needs to be done.
Supervisor: No one cares how hard you work! This isn't that kind of place!

State government building
Connecticut

10AM Um, You Must Be Very Popular

Receptionist: Well, I wouldn't know. I don't go into the men's room.
Cintas lady: That's where I get most of my pleasure at!

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Nikki

5PM And Why Are All My Problems Self-Inflicted?

Boss: Who wants to do these reports?
Enthusiastic lady: I'll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 minutes later: Are those reports ready, Angie*?
Enthusiastic lady: I'm still on it.
Boss, 15 minutes later: I need those reports now.
Enthusiastic lady: I am working on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep asking me if it's done?!

4340 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC

Overheard by: did not ask for work

5PM Tonight's Movie: Debbie Does Droids

Lady peon, imitating a robot: I love you. I love you, too. We should swap transmission fluids.

135 West 50th Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: Lowly Human

1PM Explains a Lot about the Condition of Journalism in This Country

Managing editor: Our system's down until 2:50.
Reporter: To the bars, then!
Other reporters: Yay!
Editor-in-chief: Why the hell not?

400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland

11AM That Kind of Unpredictability Is Half the Fun

Manager: It starts on the first half, and all of a sudden we're on the next-to-last half.

100 Broadway
New York, New York

4PM I Blame Our Support Staff

Grunt #1: Shit, the bombs aren't in the bags.
Grunt #2: Awww, fuck it. Let's go get a hamburger.

New York, New York

Overheard by: Thrax

3PM But We're Going Out for Dinner Later

Male coworker: You missed it! Devon* and I just had a staring contest in which we tried to figure out the color of each other's eyes.
Female coworker: So, what was the verdict?
Male coworker: That it was too creepy, so we stopped.

1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois

12PM Let's Touch Type, People -- Time's A-Wasting!

Boss: Let's get things set up. Let's move the mouse.

Bethesda, Maryland

11AM And Mess with My Tried and True Regime of FreeCell and Internet Porn?

Exasperated IT guy #1: Don't you have something better to do?!
IT guy #2: Yeah, but I'm not going to do it.

390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas

4PM But before Having Sex with My Husband

Receptionist: That goes on my to-do list right below having sex with a midget.

Madison, South Dakota

11AM And You Have Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

Salesman: We're looking for your shorts!

8531 East Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Lowly Clerk

2PM So, No Mayan Pyramids?

Manager: Yes, next week we'll all be in Mexico.
Woman #1: I hope you are going to relax this vacation.
Manager: I feel if I don't run around and see everything, I'm wasting the experience.
Woman #2: Let me explain something clearly to you: vacation is sex, food, sleep, more sex, more sex.
Manager: [Stunned.]
Woman #2: That's why you never come back relaxed. Sex, sex, nap, sex. Repeat that.

Garden State Mall
Paramus, New Jersey

Overheard by: Woman #3

11AM Because We Could Use Interns Instead

Grunt #1: We need to buy a couple of monkeys and have monkey knife fights.
Grunt #2: Is there anything against the law about that?

2540 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia

2PM You! Write This Down!

Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!

Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

4PM Billable Hours of Sweet Oblivion

Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It's only 3:30.
Attorney: 'Cause I like to drink.

1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Staja

10AM The Meter Is Running Even As We Speak

Incompetent project manager, after asking redundant questions: Um... Are you going to charge this time to my project?
Competent cube dweller: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna charge this! I'm gonna charge the fuck outta this project!

940 6th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Carver Stone

5PM What Do You Think "Gay" Means?

Patient: I'm going to see The Lion King tonight.
Nurse #1: Can you imagine doing shows like that every night, traveling all the time?
Nurse #2: Most of them are gay anyhow, so it's no big deal.

Red Cross van
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Taxman

12PM It's What Dad Would've Wanted

Woman on cell: ... So now instead of going to the funeral we're going to the strawberry festival.

Indiana government center
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Mmm... strawberries

9AM I Wouldn't Still Be Here If It Weren't My Company

Admin girl: Are you sure you don't have any meetings scheduled this afternoon or want to leave early to get a start on your weekend?
Boss: Nope, I'm all free this afternoon and thought I'd catch up on paper work.
Admin girl: Oh, okay.
Boss: Why?
Admin girl: Because when you leave early I normally give you 10 minutes' headway and then sneak out myself.
Boss: Ugh, just go already.

Brisbane
Australia

2PM I'm Just Here for the Drinking

Student: Can I get a list of people who write theses?
Receptionist: You mean, the list of typists?
Student: No, I want the list of people who'll write my thesis for me.

California

1PM Precious Little of That at My House

Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?
Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.
Female coworker: Pity. I came in this morning sniffing around for the smell of pussy and latex.

Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: the sugar monster

2PM ... In a Hypothetical World Where I Play D&D

Coworker #1: We should start a D&D game.
Coworker #2: Yeah. Let's ask Ben* if he wants to play, too!
Coworker #1, yelling to Ben: Hey, want to play D&D later?
Ben, yelling back: No! I don't play D&D!
Coworker #2: We thought you'd be a good Druid.
Ben, yelling back: Fuck that, I'm a thief acrobat!

Oshkosh, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Will

3PM So Do Not Call Me

Boss pointing to bathroom stall: If you need me, I'll be in my office, haha.
Employee: Um, I'm not gonna ask you anything while you're taking a shit.
Boss: Oh, I'm not taking a shit. I'm just gonna sit in there and play Tetris on my phone.

Dexter Avenue
Seattle, Washington

10AM ... Limiting Our Lunch Breaks, Not Stealing Supplies, Wearing Shoes...

Coworker #1 holding company's new tech use policy: It says we're not supposed to blog on company time.
Coworker #2: Whatever. It's not like we follow any of their other policies, like doing work and shit.

Phoenix, Arizona

2PM Reader Challenge: Take Your Office Mary Out to Lunch

Boss: Have you fixed that invoice?
Minion: Yeah! It was totally magical -- Mary* thinks I'm awesome, and she's going to do some stuff in the system and the invoice will be fixed!
Boss: So, we're getting paid?
Minion: Yeah! Magical Mary will fix it, I'll send it out, and we'll get paid! Hooray for everyone!

200 Harry S. Truman Parkway
Annapolis, Maryland

Overheard by: Rica

5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!

Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?

Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

2PM No, No, Wait -- It's the One with Mr. Toad, Right?

Ad rep #1: The best movie is on TV tonight.
Ad rep #2: What movie is that?
Ad rep #1: Gone with the Wind.
Ad rep #2: Is that the same as...? No, that's A Walk in the Clouds.
Programmers: What?!
Ad rep #2: I got confused -- they're similar. Well, which one is Gone with the Wind?
Ad rep #1: It has Clark Gable.
Ad rep #2: Is that the guy that played Superman?

120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona

10AM I Always Say Friendly Fire Is Better Than No Fire

Boss on phone: I'm the entrepreneur type -- I shoot from the hip. I figure I'll fix it when I'm finished messing it up.

Hayward Avenue
Carteret, New Jersey

Overheard by: Jay-B

4PM Of Course, That's Just a Projection

Office peon: Dammit, I couldn't get this done... even if I did work.

Arizona

12PM Or One Person, for Seven and a Half Hours

Client: I just want to touch a hundred and fifty people a day for three minutes.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: 1 or 2 at a time?

1PM Translation: Whatever You Do Will Have to Be Done Over

Project manager: We need to get the turnover rate for the past 12 months.
Database admin: I have that. I can give you the turnover for the past year.
Project manager: Great! We'll also need it for the previous 12 months.
Database admin: I'm confused -- isn't the past 12 months the previous 12 months?
Project manager: Yes.

1055 Lenox Park Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Iga

11AM Some Lives May Be Better Unexamined

Canadian arborist: Check it out. I can streamline the camera in the town square back at home in Brandon. I called my dad and told him to drive by and wave. Sometimes, if you watch long enough, you can see someone crash.

Westchester, New York

3PM If You Know What I Mean

Coworker: In five seconds I'm giving up and giving my fish a bath.

1275 Broadway
Albany, New York

Overheard by: Sally

10AM They Failed to Change the Filter, Though

Lawyer: So, you can recall that you've had at least one abortion.
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: So, was this an overnight procedure or something like an outpatient procedure?
Witness: Oh, it was in and out -- just like changing oil.
Court reporter: [Gasps.]

Norfolk, Virginia

5PM I Need a Break from Listening to My Wife Go on about It

Employee on phone: Yeah, you know, my dad died last weekend, which is a good thing... Hey, you wanna go fishin'?

Mesa, Arizona

12PM And Remind Ourselves That We Still Have Our Freedom

Reception guy: Are you guys going on a puppy run?
Worker: Nah, just going to XYZ Office*.
Temp: Puppy run?
Reception guy: Yeah, when we're a bit crabby we go across the street to the pet shop and look at the puppies.
Temp: Oh.

Adelaide
South Australia

2PM Human Sacrifice?

Student worker: So, Joe* only got through four buckets today, so can I just do four buckets and go home?
Supervisor: No, you can't, because Joe washed all the buckets that were over there and built that huge pyramid with them.
Student worker: Awww, man! How can I compete with him when he builds pyramids?

1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona

Overheard by: Rasputin

1PM How Wrong Would You Like It to Be?

Production manager: All I'm saying, Betty*, is do something, even if it's wrong!

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Nikki

12PM Is "Robust" More of a Girl or a Boy?

Yuppie hubby: See anything you like on the wine list?
Wifey: I look for potential baby names whenever I read a wine list. Oooh, 'Spencer' -- that's a good one!

Park Street
Orlando, Florida

3PM Treebeard Calls an Entmoot to Resolve the Issue

Employee #1: So, should I make the hotel arrangements, or should you? Or should I, or what should we do?
Employee #2: Oh, I don't know... Maybe if I do it... Or you could do it, that would be fine.

Michigan

11AM So I Figure They Can Watch Him

Hospital employee #1: Hey, girl! You going to the club tonight?
Hoochie hospital employee: Yep!
Hospital employee #2: And how are those kids doing?
Hoochie hospital employee: My son has pneumonia, but everyone else is alright.

1600 Harrison Street
Oakland, California

Overheard by: Jefferson Smoyle

9AM But First Text Me to Let Me Know It's an Important Call

Marketing guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops guy: I've CC-ed you on every email I sent to them.
Marketing guy: I don't have time to read my emails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important email give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Septimus

2PM She Got Three Fewer Diseases, Though

Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin' tired. I've been actually having sex since four o'clock Saturday 'til six o'clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that's nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I'm so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.

North O'Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas

Overheard by: So that's what 'being rode hard and put away wet' looks like

10AM But She Can Still Be Called As a Witness

Coworker #1: You know how when you're dating a girl and you find out she has morals...
Coworker #2: Yeah, you give it three dates and then you lose her number.

Monterey, California

Overheard by: Horrified

12PM Naked and Sweating, I Find Myself Trapped in a Prison of My Own Making

Coworker: Hey, are you doing Lego naked in there?!

Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: The joys of a home office

10AM Six Years of Marriage Only Earns You So Much Trust

Lady: Hey, Derek*, will you let me paint your toenails?
Man: Will you give me a blowjob?
Lady: ... Sure.
Man: Do the blowjob first.

3301 North Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois

Overheard by: what office is this?

5PM Texas Law Is Pretty Clear That's Illegal

Lady #1: So, I've joined a pottery class. It's a group of people working in all different mediums. Everybody gets to make things according to their own artistic vision.
Lady #2, disgusted: Sounds very cultured.
Lady #1: Oh, no, haha -- it's not.

College and Park Street
Grapevine, Texas

11AM Something People Will Get Tired of before They Even Hear It

Coworker #1: You look pensive.
Coworker #2: Well, I'm trying to come up with a new cliché.

Delaware

12PM And I'm Too Important to Go Look

Lady coworker #1: What was the word of the day yesterday?
Lady coworker #2: ... You mean from dictionary dot com?
Lady coworker #1: Yeah.
Lady coworker #2: Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails.
Lady coworker #1: Oh, neither do I. I just wanted to know what it was.

11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

9AM Or I Could Just Steal One from the Shopping Center

Coworker #1: Artificial insemination?
Coworker #2: That way I could have a kid without whoring myself around as much.

Kansas

10AM You're Supposed to Read Them, Not Use Them As a Blanket

Retired lawyer: I'm just buried under these law documents.
Boss: Wait, are you practicing law without a license?
Retired lawyer: No, without knowledge.

2550 Q Street NW
Washington, DC

Overheard by: C Dubz

4PM Sadly, Brad Never Graduated from the Simulator

Dude: Are you looking at pictures of naked women again?
Man: What kind of stupid question is that?
Dude: Yeah, sorry.
Man: Why don't you ask me what I'm breathing? 'Breathing some air there, huh? Boy, you sure do like your air.'
Dude: Yeah, I know, sorry. Hey -- that one's pretty.
Man: Tell me about it.

Starbucks
New York, New York

3PM Oh, Stop Pouting, You Big, Wet Baby

Staff member holding disheveled pile of papers: Now I have to go hand this in with the pages all crinkly 'cause someone threw a water balloon into my cubicle.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: culprit

2PM They Were Gangbanging Me That Night

Cute office peon: What's wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I'm just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don't feel bad about that, Tom. It's not your fault that your friends can't come!

5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California

Overheard by: And she knows this how?

3PM But That Doughnut Looked So Good!

Nurse walks out to designated smoking area as her pager goes off.

Nurse, shaking her head in disgust: 'Emergency!' Of course. Why these people gotta be goin' into diabetic shock when I wanna go outside? [Sits down to smoke cigarette.]

1031 SW Fleming Court
Topeka, Kansas

Overheard by: Jonna

12PM Um, Fire-Retardant, Bullet-Proof Paper Bags

Angry old engineer: Goddammit! This company couldn't engineer its way out of a paper bag with a fucking uzi and a blowtorch! What the fuck is it that we do around here?!

5634 University Avenue
Denver, Colorado

4PM ... For Babymaking

Partner: If you're busy making a baby, tell me that. I just want to know who is available.

Tysons Corner
Virginia

10AM But They're Starting to Learn to Chew through Their Gags

News editor: I've already passed the high point of my day where I mute Regis and Kelly.

101 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: an amused underling

9AM It's Too Much with Me

Five-year-old: I'm taking a break.
Young librarian: What are you taking a break from?
Five-year-old: ... The world.

2110 Library Lane
Grand Forks, North Dakota

2PM Bad Ideas Seem So Harmless in the Beginning

Drone #1: I wonder how many modifications it would take to convert an old Beetle to Darth Vader's helmet?
Drone #2: Probably not too many.

Metro Park
Alexandria, Virginia

Overheard by: I want one.

1PM But That Implies You'd Rather Get the TV Than The...

Grunt #1: I figured out the perfect way to get the TV remote from my wife late at night.
Grunt #2: Yeah?
Grunt #1: I act horny. She'd rather give up the TV than give up the ass.

46 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

4PM And Here I Am Giving It Away for Free Like a Sucker

Office grunt #1: So, why are you taking off on Friday?
Office grunt #2: To lay some pipe. 'Cause layin' pipe pays more than this job does.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Giggling Silently

11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work

Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.

666 Broadway
New York, New York

Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office

2PM So You'd Have a Reason to Call Me, Hot Stuff

Receptionist: Hi, this is Pat*. I was calling to see if you wanted to set an appointment.
Customer on speakerphone: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: So, it looks like I set you an appointment before. What happened?
Customer on speakerphone: ... You cancelled it.
Receptionist: Hm. I wonder why.

Atlanta, Georgia

10AM You Know -- Australian Yoga

Guy: What are you going to do in Melbourne?
Girl: One of the days I'm there I'm going to go from bar to bar -- you know, just explore myself.

Mounts Bay Road
Perth
Australia

5PM Tonight's Movie: The Filing Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

Manager: Are you going to keep filing those signatures today?
Intern: Yes, unless you have something more exciting for me to do.
Manager: Oh, here, I have some death certificates you could file.

Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: Yeah, that's much better

3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College

Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!

Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts

11AM Although I Did See His Face in My Door Knocker

Suit #1: I called Jim* about that question we had concerning the asset and stock consistency regs' application to foreign target affiliates.
Suit #2: Yeah? What did he say?
Suit #1: Well, apparently he had a heart attack last week and passed away. I haven't heard back from him.

Washington, DC

4PM How the Files Got Covered with Ectoplasm and Vomit

Assistant manager: I wouldn't be able to find anything in these files even with a Ouija board and a fifth of Jack Daniels.

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

11AM If You Need Further Guidance, I'll Be in My Office

Manager: We should prepare drawings for the real building instead of the fake building.

Midtown
New York, New York

Overheard by: Drewster

11AM I Wouldn't Put That Off

Cajun: Now I'm thinking about filling the giant jar of babies I have with formaldehyde.

Goodwood Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Booyakish

12PM I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day

Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.

Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie

10AM I Don't Know about You, but I Am Not Working after Death

Pilot over intercom: Sorry, folks. We've just lost power to one of our engines. Looks like our arrival time in Washington will be 40 minutes behind schedule.
Disgruntled woman: Better hope we don't lose that second engine.
Travel partner: Yeah, really.
Disgruntled woman: If we're 80 minutes late we'll miss that meeting!
Travel partner: Wait, what?

Flight from Bradley International
Windsor Locks, Connecticut

12PM I Have Good News

Philosophy student: Basically, all I really want is to survive until I die.

Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania

11AM Microsoft's 'Lilliputian Solutions' Software Isn't for Everyone

HR hottie: I can't think right now! Between Excel and porno midgets I'm nuts!

Westchester, New York

3PM It'll Be Giving Me Feedback This Afternoon

Cube dweller #1: I just want to make sure we are communicating on this project.
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, we're communicating. [Yells over cubicles] Hey, Roy*, are we communicating?
Roy: Uh, I'm communicating with my sandwich.

Vienna, Virginia

Overheard by: The Communicator

2PM Looky Here, Somebody Threw Away a Perfectly Good Employee

Sales guy: If anyone needs Larry* in the warehouse, don't call. He's in the dumpster.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

5PM When Total Immersion Goes Too Far

Anthropology student: Hey, I got the turds for the ass game!

Locust Lane
Louisville, Kentucky

Overheard by: don't want to know

4PM Boss: Excellent! The Employees Have Become Self-Punishing

Clumsy coworker drops pile of files: Nobody look at me! I want to be alone!

1300 York Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Jennifer

4PM And Feeling Her Up

Training manager: So, how's everything going?
New admin: Fine. Just fine.
Training manager: Are you sure? Do you need anything? Something I can help you with?
New admin: I'm sure. No, really, everything's fine. I'm fine... I'm just going to, uh, run out to my car for a second. To, uh, grab a bottle of water. I'll be right back [gets her things and leaves the office, never returns].
Training manager: Wow. Was it something I said?
Assistant: No, I think it was the fact that you kept staring at her boobs.
Training manager: Oh. Right.

East Gude Drive
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: the fly on the wall

5PM Or Time Management. Whatever.

Office manager: I'm going to Google time travel!

Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia

Overheard by: The Office Bitch

10AM We May Have Lost Our Laser-like Focus on the Customer, Though

IT guy #1: So, Stan* is trying to bring some cohesiveness to our group...
IT guys #2 and #3: [Laughing.]
IT guy #1: No, I think it's working. Because now we're all like, 'Fuck you, Stan.'

1135 64th Avenue
SE Calgary
Alberta, Canadia

3PM Except That My First Is to Learn to Write

Lowly assistant: We are supposed to have our monthly, quarterly, and annual goals prepared for Tuesday's meeting.
Lawyer: Really? Tell the office manager to send me everyone else's goals.
Office manager: I probably won't have them before the meeting.
Lawyer: But I don't know what my goals are.

1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: It's Comcastic

11AM Could Be the Year He Moves Out of His Parents' Basement

Clerk: You know, the adult videos are 'Buy two, get a third free.'
Best girlfriend evar: Really? Honey, go get that one we were looking at.
Boyfriend: What, the one with the two blondes on the cover?
BGE: No, no -- the pirates one.
Boyfriend: Okay, be right back.
BGE, as soon as he's out of earshot: Quick, while he's gone can you box up that Spiderman statue behind you, too?

Minneapolis, Minnesota

5PM Why Was That Ever a Valid Question for a Stranger to Ask on the Phone?

Girl #1: Let's prank someone.
Girl #2: Oh! We can call and say, 'Is your refrigerator running?'
Girl #1: Exactly!
Girl #2: ... I forget the punch line to that one.
Girl #1: Yeah... me, too.

330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California

Overheard by: Violet White

4PM Why People Have Messy Offices

CSR picking up discarded empty box: It would come in handy, even if we never used it.

Laurel House, Old Dover Road
Canterbury, Kent
England

Overheard by: John Dunmore

3PM I'm Thinking Something Circular with Red and Blue Concentric Rings

Manager: We really need some good ideas that senior management can throw darts at.
Underling: Hmmm...
Manager: Yeah, they don't know what they want, but they'll know when they see it. Then they'll have something to throw darts at.

San Diego, California

11AM It's Discipline, Not War Crimes

Voice on PA: Attention, Barnes and Noble shoppers, will the customer looking for the 'Bataan Death March' please come to the Children's Department? Thank you.

Southlake, Texas

9AM Fox Unveils Its New Advertising Strategy

Student walking into class late: The bad news is, I am late. The good news is that my intramural football team won the championship.
Professor: What is your team's name?
Student: The Jack Bauers.
Professor: Is that the guy from 24? I can't get into that show...
Student: Because you hate freedom?

Capital University Law School
Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: captain awesome

11AM And Yet, They Give Away Lollipops

Ranting coworker filling out deposit: Where do all the paper clips go? Everything gets paper-clipped together, and I never see the paper clips again! I'll bet the bank takes all the paper clips from our deposits, puts them into little boxes and sells them back to us -- that's where the bank really makes its money, you know.

291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri

Overheard by: stealing the paper clips

1PM Anybody Can Do a Good Job with Information

Boss #1: Did you prepare an overview of the meeting for the lab?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: Why not?
Boss #2: I didn't go.
Boss #1: Oh, yeah, I went to the meeting.
Lab member: Did you prepare a overview?
Boss #1: No.

Clinical Science Research Building
Saint Louis, Missouri

12PM Start Shopping for Curtains

Female coworker: If I don't get into law school, I'll just get knocked-up and be a house wife. I call it 'Plan B.'

910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: I need a backup plan like that

2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'

Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.

7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey

11AM Why Does This Have Coal in It?

Administrator: How was your Christmas?
Boss: Great. Now all I want is to get some sleep and find my underwear.

3740 Mill Creek Road
Mentone, California

11AM That Certainly Gives You More Career Choices

30-something coworker to staff member's nephew: So, you can get weapons... Can you also cast spells and do magic?
Nephew, playing a medieval computer game: Yeah. That's called 'Religion.' Some people get really into religion, but I don't. I just like killing stuff.

University of Sydney office
Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Wil Dog

11AM ... And Send It to Somebody Else?

Employee: I just sent you that email with the summary of all the outstanding issues on the project.
Boss: Thanks. Could you write a summary of that email?

111 3rd Avenue S
Minneapolis, Minnesota

9AM Hastening My Demise Seems Like the Right Thing to Do

Manager: I have a bunch of file folders. Can you sort them by color?
Assistant: Sure.
Manager: They're in the back.
Assistant, returning with folders: These are all green.
Manager: Well, they're different shades of green.
Assistant: Not really. It's just that some are more faded than others.
Manager: I just think it would look nice if you sorted them into a pile of folders with straight greens and a pile with more of a spongy print. Are you okay with that?
Assistant: Sure. [To herself] There's a lot of reasons why I don't quit smoking.

North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland

11AM That's My Time!

Old lady, told class would run late: I have to get home and toss my husband's salad!

Class erupts with laughter, and the boy next to her explains the innuendo.

Old lady: If I was going to lick his ass, I'd say so... But it isn't something I'd do before dinner.

CCSN campus
Las Vegas, Nevada

9AM Let's Say, 'Within This Fiscal Year'

Dad: I swear, I am going to break her arm by the time she is two.
Mom: She is two.
Dad: Three, then.

Outback Steakhouse
Green Brook, New Jersey

5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter

Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.

In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Neena

1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!

80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!

2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania

1PM Renoir: Doc, I'm Going to Need More Tetrodoxin

Blonde #1: I wonder... Did they have photography when this artist was alive?
Blonde #2: Well, I don't really know. Why do you ask?
Blonde #1: Well, how did they get the people to stand still long enough to paint their faces and stuff?

The Louvre
Paris
France

Overheard by: Mindy WIlson

10AM Look, Next Time You Die, Just Handcuff Yourself to God

Manager: There's a sucker born every minute, and I keep getting born!

55 Railroad Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut

Overheard by: CV

10AM Thank God for Women Who Don't Know Any Better

Salesman: You know, customers who want their parts on time and in decent condition really get on my nerves.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

1PM And That's When I Remembered the Nipple Piercings

Employee: I would really like to apologize for running late this morning. It won't happen again.
Boss: Could you please turn your shirt right-side out?

350 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Susan

10AM The Nexus of the Late '80s Savings and Loan Debacle

Bank teller supervisor: She started working there when she was 18, and now she's 46. Yeah, she's been there 36 years.

1813 E 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky

Overheard by: will66

3PM Yeah, It Reminds Us Why We Work

Woman to man remaining on elevator: Not getting off?
Man: Yeah, I thought it was going up. It was going down.
Woman: Ah, well, a little detour's okay.
Man: Yeah... I have a lot of work to do, though.
Woman: Well, but you know, sometimes it's important to stop and smell... the lobby.

60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts

2PM Plus, the Witch Is Always Trying to Trick Us into the Oven

Employee: First they stuff us with pie, then they expect us to work.

South Rainier
Seattle, Washington

2PM Different Day, Same Shit

Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.

7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina

Overheard by: mac774

12PM You're on the List of Idiots Born August 5th, Though

Coworker #1: Hey, look -- a list of famous people born on Friday the 13th.
Coworker #2: I wonder if I was born on Friday the 13th...
Coworker #1: When's your birthday?
Coworker #2: August 5th.
Coworker #1: Then no...

Weehawken, New Jersey

Overheard by: Brian

2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?

Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?

Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

12PM See Ya Later, Ed

Coworker: I'm leaving early, y'all. I ripped my pants, and I can't work with my vagina hanging out.

Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: Up against her for a promotion

10AM Dare to Dream, Little Queen

Female coworker: I think I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling well.
Gay coworker: I hope it's not contagious.
Female coworker: No. It's... woman problems. I don't think you'll get infected.
Gay coworker: You'd be surprised.

14th Street and Rhode Island Avenue
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Suprised

1PM They Should Have Known, Man!

Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?

699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: TAJ

9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes

Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!

Manitoba
Canadia

4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up

Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.

Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe

12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?

BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...

Burger King, Rhode Island

10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive

Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.

Circle Centre Mall

Overheard by: Shatmandu

4PM Oh, Who Am I Kidding? We Are Absolutely Going Back There

Coworker: Well, then we've got something to do next week. But we're not going back to that place. It was nasty. My van smells like a hooker died in it.

111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas

12PM And who do you Mean When you Say 'You'?

Coworker #1: Did you work here in 1993?
Coworker #2: 'Here' in what sense?

1110 West Washington Street
Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: next cube over

5PM He Whizzed Through Med School

Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.

York Ave
New York, New York

Overheard by: the other assistant

2PM You know, I Think I'll Stay Here After All

Guy behind counter on cell: So I'll be there soon....What's that sound?....Oh, yeah! I thought I heard a tornado in the background!

Hall's Archery Range
Manchester, England

9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University

Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??

Rochelle Park
New Jersey

5PM All that Remains Since We Can No Longer Surf for Porn on the Job

Employee to boss: Hey I know it's the end of the day on Friday, but I'm really bored, do you have anything for me to do?
Boss: Oh! Here have some bubblewrap!

137 4th Ave
Edmonton Alabama

3PM Bill Clinton Was a Better President Than He Is a Campaign Manager

Boss: We never decided to postpone this issue. We just agreed that we would deal with other issues first.

Brouwersvliet, Antwerp, Belgium

3PM Eventually, Sure

Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?

Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio

4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate

Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.

Santa Barbara, California

10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal

Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.

General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Feeling Secure

11AM Actually She Just Had a Cold, But We Take Her Living Will Very Seriously

Employee: You know my friend didn't die the other day when they, uh, disconnected her.
Manager: Oh no?
Employee: But she's dying right now. It took forty-eight hours. I wonder if she's hungry.

365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey

Overheard by: Jersey Girl

2PM And Stick It up His Nose

Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.

1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Fin

1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'

Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing

Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: It's not my project

9AM She Stole a Kid from a Gay Couple? That Is Low

Intern: Candace's* mom is sixty-five! And she's had seven kids from, like, eight different guys.

1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, Maryland

Overheard by: mathwizrd

12PM But on That Note, What's Your Availability?

Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.

Columbia, Maryland

Overheard by: party rental stores are no party

11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children

Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

9AM Won't They Need to Wait for Him to Get Back to Do That?

Employee #1: Is this Sammy's* or yours?
Employee #2: I think it's Sammy's.
Employee #1: I don't want to shuffle everything off to him since he's on vacation.
Employee #2: No, he's not here... let's screw him!

1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: DB

11AM She's Jockeying For 'Most Improved'

Employee #1: Where's Anne*?
Employee #2: I dunno, but she's sure going to be late to her time management training class.

980 Kelly Johnson Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada

10AM Situational Ethics

Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.

Midtown
New York, New York

10AM It's Really More About Where They Land, Isn't It?

Peon: I wanted to show you this order. I think someone dropped the ball.
Sales associate: Let's see whose order it is...Oh, it's Ryan's*. And he's out this week.
Peon: Uh-oh.
Sales associate: See what happens when you go on vacation? Your balls get dropped!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

2PM Get the Mirror Off Your Desk

Employee: I've been on e-mail since 5 AM, and all I see is incomptitude.

550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: hearing it in stereo

4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'

Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.

Midtown
New York, New York

3PM Why Generation Y Already Out-Earns Generation X

Assistant: You ever do something repeatedly--so much, that you're like, "Whoa, this isn't real. I'm not doing this!"?
Intern: Umm...
Assistant: Like, when you're staring at your face in the mirror for so long that you're like, "Whoa! That's not my face! This isn't real!" Hasn't that ever happened to you?
Intern: No. That's usually when I stop drinking.

900 2nd Street NE
Washington, DC

5PM And You're 'About' the Most Intelligent Woman I've Ever Met

Male co-worker: Check out this photo.
Female co-worker: This is an old photo of you.
Male co-worker: Yeah, it was taken around 1991.
Female co-worker: Wow! That was about 27 years ago!

6606 Tussing Road
Reynoldsburg, Ohio

Overheard by: Someone that can add & subtract

3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana

Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?

Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.

Avon Target
Avon, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

2PM Or Tommy Lee

Female employee #1: ...so if the sun exploded seven minutes ago, we wouldn't know it yet, because it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to reach us.
Male employee: That's depressing! What would you do in those seven minutes?
Female employee #1: If I were at work? Have sex.
Male employee: Isn't that's a lot of pressure on the guy?
Female employee #1: Please. Guys are usually all, "Gimme two minutes!"
Female employee #2: You could do three guys in that time!
Female employee #1: Three and a half!

Boulevard Sacré Coeur
Gatineau, Quebec

Overheard by: Sara

9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?

Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?

3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland

Overheard by: Ren

11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up

Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.

802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan

Overheard by: just passing by

10AM We're Still Trying to Get the Pope to Stop Using the Abacus

Techie: I'm sorry about the delay. We're using a new system, and I liked the old system. I'm a creature of habit and resist change.
Customer: Tell me about it; I'm with the Archdiocese.

555 International Way
Springfield, Oregon

1PM Like So Many Things That Almost Make Sense, This Turns Out Not to Be True

Dumb girl: So if it is like 6 in California then it's like 6:30 in Nevada, right?
Dumber girl: No, Nevada's really close to Cali. It's probably only like 6:15.

6397 Springfield Mall
Springfield, Virginia

Overheard by: marshamellow

1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves

Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!

Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Not getting any either

10AM He's Still Using a Sundial

Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.

1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York

9AM Unless I Can Watch

Boss: You may not spend an hour in the bathroom.

3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

10AM Well, an IV, Some Sort of Modified Reciprocal Saw, a Rubber Hand, and a Lot of Lotion Ought to Do the Trick

General manager: Listen, if you guys can find a way for me to whack off another six months, that would be great.

12112 115th Avenue NE
Kirkland, Washington

5PM His Desk Plate Says 'I'd Rather Be Blistered'

Guy #1: Give me a break. I've been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I've been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that's too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.

469 7th Avenue
New York, New York

1PM Her Withdrawal From Popular Culture Began in the Eighties and Was Complete by 1998

Younger girl: So the guy who played Kramer turned 57 this week. I had no idea he was that old!
Older woman: Kramer? You mean from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer?
Younger girl: Who? Um, no. Kramer. Kramer from Seinfeld.
Older woman: Who?
Younger woman: This is probably why we don't talk more, huh?

323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan

Overheard by: Pam Beasley

11AM And I Expect to Be Hungover Monday

Suit #1: I'm going to need that project done for Monday. Can you get on that right now?
Suit #2: It's Friday, and I have beer to drink. It's really going to have to wait.

4881 Yonge Street
Toronto, Ontario

4PM What if Your Kid's Hungover?

Co-Worker #1: Kids are just a built in excuse to call in sick. If Carl* can call in because his kid is sick, I should be able to call in sick because I'm hungover.
Co-Worker #2: Wouldn't that be every day then?
Co-Worker #1: No, I mean too hungover to work.

Highways 7 and 78
Independence, Missouri

Overheard by: steak of life

11AM As Long as It's Not the Same Date as Halloween Again

Woman #1: What day is Thanksgiving on this year?
Woman #2: I don't know - Thursday or Friday?

Wal-mart
Springfield, Missouri

Overheard by: Jennifer Gerboth


Blonde cashier: Wow! Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year!

Lake Travis, Texas

Overheard by: Frostwalrus

10AM Margene, Are You Available? Oh, That's Right, You're the Bride.

Production Tech: Oh that's right, I forgot, someone else is going to have to pick up Dillon* on Friday. I'm gonna go get married.

859 Cotting Court
Vacaville, California

11AM How Does One Judge a Kegel Exercise Contest?

Woman #1: Maybe it fell out because her vagina had no...tone.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #3: Right, no Kegel's.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Right, you are supposed to do Kegel's all day.
Woman #2: Since when?
Woman #1: From when you are 20. Or have a lot of sex.
Woman #3: I'd rather have a lot of sex than do Kegel's, but I do them, too.
Woman #2: What? My vagina is fine without either one. Don't tell my husband that, either.
Woman #3: You'll be sorry when you are older.
Woman #1: You never did Kegel's? We used to have contests at my other job.

Only man in the meeting walks in.

Woman #2: Well! What do men have to do?
Woman #3, smiling sweetly: Nothing. Men are perfect.

Bergen County, New Jersey

1PM Why Mr. Ass's Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period

Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.

Hudson, Wisconsin

12PM Pretty Much His Deal With God, Too

Boss: I'm pretty much unavailable all afternoon since I have to go to the funeral, but if you really need me, you can call me between the church and the cemetary.

Boston, Massachusetts

10AM Dear World, I'm Killing Myself at This Time to Inconvenience Cousin Bob

Co-Worker: My cousin died in a car accident yesterday.
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry.
Co-Worker: Yeah. The funeral is Saturday in St. Louis.
Boss: Will you be going?
Co-Worker: Oh no! That's not enough time for me to get everything around and make it down there! I mean, maybe if they had given me a week's notice...

Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio

4PM Remember? Those Nine Planes?

Delivery driver: I've never had to stop and check in before.
Guard: Yes, you have. We started doin' it after two-eleven.
Delivery driver: You mean nine-eleven?
Guard, rolling eyes: No. Two-eleven, when them people crashed them planes. Two-eleven.
Delivery driver: That was in September.
Guard: Two-eleven.

Circle Center Mall Security Office
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

1PM Why 'American Government Conspiracy' Will Always Be an Oxymoron

Intern #1: I will do all of your House bills if you get up and dance right now!
Intern #2: No.
Co-Worker: Why would you pay all of his house bills if he dances? That's like $100!
Intern #1: House, like House of Representatives!
Co-Worker: We have access to the legislature's power bills?

Political Office
Raleigh, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jason B.

9AM Anyway, We're Not Sure You're the Sort of Sales Rep We Want at Dead Cat in a Basket, LLC

Older woman: Yes, I have fifteen years of commission-only sales experience, and I'm accustomed to traveling four days out of the week.
Interviewer: Oh, um, well that's great. Um, yes, some of our new hires don't like traveling because it's so lonely and can be far from home and, um, you know, like solitudish and lonely.
Older woman: That's okay with me. Travel is fine, but I can't travel for three weeks out and one week home. I have two cats. I can leave them for four days at a time but not three weeks.
Interviewer: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate 'cause we really would like you for the job. Well, um, if something would happen that would mean you could take this job, um, like I won't get into what that would be or anything morbid or sad or anything...but you could always re-apply.

6500 Matalin Place
Louisville, Kentucky

4PM Thank God I Have This NyQuil in My Desk

Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don't open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that's retarded. Haven't they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?

37 West 20 Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: shenanigan

10AM Next You'll Be Reading Our Subpoenas and Overdue Bills

Young boy: Mom! We've been in line for a really long time!!
Mother: No, not really. Stop complaining.
Young boy: Yes we have! We got here at 10:00, and it's almost 12:30!!
Mother: Damn the public school system for teaching you how to tell time.

Petco
Enfield, Connecticut

Overheard by: Dark_Kitty

9AM Plus the Pictures Are Better

Elevator-Rider #1: Hey, are you still working in homicide?
Elevator-Rider #2: Nah, I left homicide a while ago. Now I'm in sexual predators. It's great 'cause I don't have to be on call anymore, and I have weekends free.

King County Administration Building
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: B

4PM Wanted: Necromancer (This Position Is Part-Time)

Worker #1: Hi, Sally*, my ID has expired. How can I get it renewed?
Worker #2: I suppose the other people on our team will also be expiring soon, too. Do we need to address them now, or should we wait 'til they actually expire also?

55 East Hartland Street
East Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Linda BoBinda

10AM Nothing Says Romance Like Suicide While Fleeing the Law

Guy: I always thought we would go out Thelma and Louise style when we were both in our 90's.
Girl: That sounds about right.
Guy: I'm going to move that up about 60 years if this meeting doesn't end soon.

32 Washington Street
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: I agree

10AM Time Management Improves the Bottom Line

Employee: I'd like a minute to talk with you about my contribution here and my compensation.
Manager: No.

Falls Church, Virginia

Overheard by: GAMA Girl

5PM Pssst. They're Talking About Pot.

Prime-time show employee #1: I am going to do some farming after this.
Prime-time show employee #2: I agree. You could use it.

CBS Television City
Hollywood, California

Overheard by: working too late

1PM And I Really Only Need a Few Extra...for the Organs

CFO: Some days I'm amazed at your talent. Other days I just feel like I have forty extra children.

312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio

5PM I've Been Waiting Years for You to Say That!

Woman on phone: I really wanna get you off tonight. [Pause] No, I mean call your manager and see if they need you to come in! Shut up, stop laughing!

Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: sneaky pete

9AM She Prefers Movies About Superheros...Made by Jewish People

Customer: What movie starts next?
Box office girl: That would be Keeping up with the Steins, at 11:55.
Customer: And what's that about?
Box office girl: I believe family problems around the time of the kid's bar mitzvah.
Manager [under her breath]: It's about Jewish people, duh.
Customer: Two for X-Men, please.

510 North Orlando Avenue
Winter Park, Florida

9AM Back to Work

Employee on phone: Wait, let me read you the email he sent out this morning: "Just a reminder that today, like every Friday, is acquittals day. So acquit, acquit, acquit away, and keep the frightening audits at bay." Yep, poetry...See? This is why I'm leaving.

Elizabeth Street
Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: Tigertail

5PM That's a Wrap

Employee: Don't interrupt me now, interrupt me when I am finished!

1200 10th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama

4PM Transcribing

Supervisor: Just do whatever's easier for you.
Word processor: It's easiest to do it this way, 'cause then I don't have to think.
Supervisor: Well, you want to think a little bit...
Word processor: Nah, not really.

1 World Financial Center
New York, New York

3PM Shift Switch

Coworker #1: Hey, can you cover my shift next week?
Coworker #2: Why? Where are you going?
Coworker #1: My friend's boyfriend is graduating from pharmacology school.
Coworker #2: Ew. Who would want to be a farmer?

3900 Hillsboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee

3PM Slush Pile

HR manager: God, I hate it when you bring me that junk!
Admin: These are people's resumes.
HR manager: Fine, shove your junk in my box.
Admin: Excuse me?
HR manager: Just leave it in my box. I'll throw it away in the morning.


80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief

2PM Diversity Initiative

Secretary: Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. You been on vacation?
Associate: No, I've been here.
Secretary: I just love running into you. You look just like that guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway. That black guy...What's his name?
Associate: Oh, really? No one's ever told me that before.
Secretary: It's ok, right? Because he's my favorite.


1425 K Street NW
Washington DC

Overheard by: callmeahab

9AM Back to Work

Employee #1: I was on time every day this week.
Employee #2: What? No way. You? Please, you're always late.
Employee #1: No, seriously.
Employee #2: Dude, weren't you late today? You're always late on Fridays.
Employee #1: I got here at 8:35 but normally I show up at 9am, so I wasn't late today.
Employee #2: 8:35 is late. Everyone else shows up at 8.
Employee #1: I have to take my daughter to school so that's why I'm typically late...but um...her school's out now for the summer so...yeah, I just forgot to set my alarm.


3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona

9AM Back to Work

Office-wide voicemail from IT person: Attention all H Street associates. The network will be down beginning at 10am...10pm...shit! [Hangs up]

1717 H Street NW
Washington, DC


Overheard by: Hamshank Houghmagandie

1PM Conference Call

Call leader: Whoever has your phone on hold, please take us off hold. We can hear the music.

151 Major Reynolds Place
Knoxville, Tennessee


Overheard by: mba

3PM Assessing Workflow

Consultant on phone: Is a part of the transition plan cloning yourself?

330 University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario

4PM Break Room

Coworker #1: Hey, how's it going?
Coworker #2: Good, how're you doing?
Coworker #1: Not bad -- it's almost Friday.
Coworker #2: It is Friday!
Coworker #1: Really?! It's Friday? That's awesome! I thought it was Thursday!
Coworker #2: It's Friday for me -- I've got tomorrow off.

10750 Wheat First Drive
Glen Allen, Virginia

3PM Trip Planning

Wine tech #1: So I heard you are going to France next week.
Wine tech #2: Yup. Next thursday.
Wine tech #1: So how long will it take you to drive there?

8555 Sonoma Highway
Santa Rosa, California

1PM Backlog in Booking

Guy on bench: I know, this is ridiculous. I've been waiting three hours to turn myself in.

Precinct 1
Cincinnati, Ohio

10AM Compliance Concerns