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9AM That's the Ulcer Perforating
Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um... You just hit the printer icon... What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon... Okay, hold up. Let's just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don't really hit it -- just click, okay? Now click 'All programs'... M-hmmm... Now click 'Microsoft Office, and then 'Microsoft Word.' You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the 'X.' [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute -- you'll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the 'X.' [After pause] Now you type -- you know -- typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don't save it, then it won't stay on your computer... What exactly are you typing and printing in there? ... You know what? Never mind. It's better if I just don't know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can't ship anything without him checking the parts first... I have a good feeling in my belly now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM When His White Friends Call, It Plays Jay-Z's "Ain't No Nigga"
Assistant: Whose phone is that? Who has rap music on their ringtone?
Sales guy, across room: Is that mine?
Assistant: Seriously? Is that your phone? [Sales guy runs to his desk.]
Office manager: It sounds like porn...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM The Little-Known Eleventh Plague
Smoke breaker on cell: By the way, I just 86-ed you from Poker-Game dot net*... Yeah, you can't log on Poker-Game anymore.
2001 Lind Avebue SW
Renton, Washington
10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
5PM No One Needs to Know I Bought Encino Man
Coworker #1: The new shredder shreds CDs... Cool.
Coworker #2: Yeah! And it shreds DVDs, too!
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: it says moops
3PM Or I'll Go All Yahoo on Your Ass
Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I'm still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn't find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin
1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Gimme a Hand with It, Okay?
From inside copy room: Oh my god, my flap's gone up! Don't you hate it when your flap goes up?
Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: EM
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player
Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?
Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves
11AM Except No Pedophile Would Want Any Kid You'd See in Wal-Mart
Worker #1: They were being mean to her on Facebook.
Worker #2: What's Facebook?
Worker #3: Oh, it's like MySpace.
Worker #2: MySpace... That's like Wal-Mart for pedophiles.
2100 Lakeshore Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
10AM Whatever Shall We Do?
Woman #1: Does this copier work?
Woman #2: Yes, but it's not turned on. It will take a while to warm up.
Woman #1: I'm in a hurry, so I guess I'll just go to another office and use theirs.
Woman #2: Why don't you just use our other copier?
Woman #1: It's not working.
Woman #2: Really? I just used it last night.
Woman #1, going to copier: See? It says, 'Paper tray empty. Please load paper.'
425 I Street
Washington, DC
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
12PM When the Dimmest Screen in the Office Encounters the Brightest
Branch manager: Your monitor is so bright! I love it! It's got to be the brightest screen in this office!
Sales guy: Uhhh...
Branch manager: It's like a hospital computer or something! It's that bright!
Sales guy: ... Well, I was out sick last week...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Yeah, and Scrambling the Data. Nice Work!
Sales rep #1: Here's that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn't need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!
Virginia
Overheard by: What!?
1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.
Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Zoos
3PM We Could Call It the Swoosh Command, Sir
IT manager: You know, every application needs a command like that: 'File, just do it.'
West 3rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Like a Seizure That Ends in Conversation
Coworker #1: Who's ringing?
Coworker #2: Not me. I vibrate.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM My Hard Drive's Been Zionized
Bored tech guy: Can I help you?
Bimbette: Yeah, um, I need an update on my anti-Semitic virus program.
Bored tech guy: You mean 'Symantec'?
Bimbette: Yeah, that's what I said -- anti-Semitic.
Quinnipiac University
Hamden, Connecticut
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
3PM And He Brings Death to His Enemies
Student: Voldemort is like Bill Fates. He's good at marketing, but he didn't actually come up with Windows.
33 East Congress
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Stubby Boardman
1PM My Mind Actually Projects It onto the World
Boss: You got hypnotized by the screen saver?
IT guy: No, I'm watching porn. This is the only screen no one else can see.
Exeter
United Kingdom
12PM No Wonder the Pages Get Upset with Us
Boss: G-mail chat is like the grown-up, mature version of AIM, even though we still talk about pee-pee and poo-poo.
2 Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
5PM To Hear Me Speak Like an Automated System, Press 1...
Pharmacy tech on phone: Thanks for calling ABC Pharmacy*... Yes, ma'am. Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am! Just speak your refill number to me -- don't punch it in your phone!
Braselton Highway
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: PharmDawg
2PM They'll Help Us Whip This Project into Shape
Smart guy: I sent a copy of that e-mail out to the S&M guys, too.
Conference call audience: Okay, sounds good.
Progress Boulevard
Alachua, Florida
Overheard by: Cramped office-mate
1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?
Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California
Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley
5PM Fridge: Beginning Ice Dump. Overwrite BIOS?
Lab rat #1: What was the IT guy doing here?
Lab rat #2: Connecting the refrigerator to the Internet... There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Fordham University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Andrea
4PM Well, Not Used Successfully
Engineer on phone: I could try to sell you a penis enlarging pump instead, if you'd like... No, of course it's not used!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
2PM Urge to Know Fading... Fading...
Library patron: Can you help me? I don't remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one's already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]
Library patron: Oh... What about this one? I don't like that one.
Employee: Well, this one's off, so I'll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]
Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say...
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
4PM Or So They Say on the North Shore
Programmer #1: Can you kill the parent without killing the child nodes?
Programmer #2: I don't think so.
Sales guy: It's always good to get rid of the witnesses.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sales guy's neighbor
11AM How, Now?
Reporter #1: Did I just hear that someone got bit by a cow on the scanner?
Reporter #2: It's possible. Some of them have really bad attitudes.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
Overheard by: Catherine
1PM Oh, It's All Connected
Rep on phone: Sir, the character limit for your domain name has nothing to do with your World of Warcraft game.
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Would That Help?
Coworker #1: Yo, I need a shredder for all my junk mails that I get. I get mad junk mail at home.
Coworker #2: You print out all your junk e-mail?!
27th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Michael
12PM Translation: I Don't Want to Understand Computers
Tech guy: The mouse won't work if it's off.
Coworker: You said reboot! I thought that meant to turn the computer off. I don't understand computers.
Midtown
New York, New York
11AM Many Computer Users Are Like Cargo Cultists
Old female boss, struggling with computer: My-- What's wrong with my-- Does anyone know what's the problem with my--
Worker: --What's the question?!
Old female boss: My mouse doesn't work.
Worker: So how long were you going to sit there moving it around on your desk?
Old female boss: Well, it's not working! [Worker sighs loudly, turns back to his computer.]
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
5PM It's Hard to Push the Feathered Glory from My Loosening Thighs
Slutty coworker: Oh, I just joined the most fantastic group in MySpace, XYZ Friends*. It's incredible. You don't even have to look for men -- you just join and men fly all over you.
Snarky coworker: You flaming parakeet.
São Paulo
Brazil
4PM Even More Painful Than It Sounds
Cube dweller #1: What is Gerald* doing?
Cube dweller #2: Re-routing the booter.
250 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
4PM But As a Paralegal? No.
Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?
Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]
Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!
575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Think I Just PDA'd Myself
Editor to coworker whose loud text alert goes off in meeting: Matt*, when your crotch cries out, we all stop and take notice.
Bay Avenue
Stafford, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
4PM Aliens: Why Don't They Just Use E-mail?
Stoner coworker training newbie on fax machine: This fax machine, like, never works... But I find it really helpful if you whistle the tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind while you're faxing... [Newbie stares.] See?! Another fax through!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sarita
3PM Printers Practice Malicious Compliance
PhD-level analyst: Oh, the copier is printing the whole five hundred pages of that report! I only want the first page! Stop, stop, stop! Why wont it stop?!
Temp: You have to actually press a button. It doesn't work on voice command...
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM It's a Series of Limericks, Each Filthier Than the Last
Branch manager: I'm sending you an e-mail.
Cube rat #1: Thanks...
Cube rat #2: You're one of those people, huh?
Branch manager: Ha, no, but he'll like this.
Cube rat #2: Is it a funny one about a cat?
Branch manager: No!
Cube rat #2: Drat.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Actually, It's Our Co-Worker, Rita
Office peon orienting a temp: And this, well, it may look like a copier, but it's really--
Temp: --A space ship?
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM Ahoy, Space Station, Prepare to Be Boarded!
NASA intern: Okay, kids, let's put on our pirate costumes and play spaceman!
Research center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
11AM Somebody's Just Asking for a Circular Reference
Office peon #1: Gah, if I could just tell Excel what I want, it'd be so easy. 'Do this!' I'd say, and it would be like, 'Sure!' and life would be simpler.
Office peon #2: Or it wouldn't listen, and you'd put on some leather straps with nipple rings and it'd say, 'Hit me again. Let me see you get reeeal angry.'
University of Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
5PM You Mean the Planter?
Blonde salesgirl on phone with IT: My computer is not working.
IT guy: Did you plug everything in right?
Blonde salesgirl: Yes! Of course! The light is on, but nothing's happening. [IT guy goes to her office, bends over, presses power button and walks out.] But the light was on!
IT guy: That's your screen. The computer is the big box on the floor.
Office, Meilleur Street
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: ID-10-T
10AM And How Much for Illumination?
Sales guy on phone with admin: Is the printer still down? Mm-hmmm. Well, if I needed something printed today, could you, like, hand-print it or something? Mm-hmmm. I see. Okay, thanks.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Didn't You Say That Would Result in Complete Proton Reversal?
Cube rat #1: You have the scissors, right?
Cube rat #2: Yeah...
Cube rat #1: Now cut the yellow wire...
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
11AM For Once, the Shittiest Thing in Our House Isn't The L Word
Software developer to web designer: Our toilets don't flush, so we don't need cable television anymore. This is not a metaphor.
5th Avenue
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Logic Impaired
9AM Their Business Model Is Predicated on It
Customer on phone: The plug won't fit!
IA rep: It's okay, sir. I just need to confirm that the first device plugged into our router is either a firewall or a computer.
Customer on phone: They... They just won't connect!
IA rep: We're looking for an Ethernet line. Is there an Ethernet line coming out of the router? Make sure not to plug or unplug anything. It will take down your voice, too.
Customer on phone: It's some telephone thingy... Oh, wait! This cord might work-- [click].
IA rep: We got another one.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
1PM Mr. Ness Monster, How Kind of You to Make It Today
Trainer during computer training class: Now, everyone use their last name and first initial as their user name and password.
Trainee #1: I did that and it says I don't exist.
Trainee #2: Me, too.
Trainee #3: Same here.
Trainer: Raise your hand if you don't exist. [Almost entire class raises their hands.]
Meek voice from the back: I exist.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
4PM That's What the White House Staff Is For
Tech: Sometimes I think George* has never been on the Internet.
9155 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
10AM The Less I Know, the Better, Actually
Overpaid IT guy: Well, I'm here to help, but don't expect me to know what's going on.
San Francisco, California
3PM Ideas Need to Be Kept Isolated from Each Other
Ad rep running to office for Post-Its: I need my stickies, I need my stickies, I need my stickies! I get nervous without my stickies...
Texas
Overheard by: it's a good thing she's pretty
2PM Nobody Said a Word about Functionality
Quality manager: Well, why doesn't it work?
Software manager: Because we didn't write it that way.
Redmond, Washington
12PM What's Sweeter Than Getting Paid Not to Work?
Early bird #1: Our system is down.
Early bird #2: Crap. Well, that's okay. I really didn't feel like doing anything today, anyway.
Early bird #1: I guess maybe around eight someone in corporate will come in and get us rollin'.
Early bird #2: I don't think they get in until 8:45.
Early bird #1: I guess we just hang out, then!
Early bird #2, going to cubicle: Actually, it's Friday, so we probably won't hear anything from corporate until after nine... At least we have the Internet! Wait! Oh my god, do we have the Internet?!
Early bird #1: Yup, already checked. Internet is up!
Early bird #2: We're good, then.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM And Then Self-Righteously Denying It
Angry man about faulty hard drive: Don't tell me it's empty when there's shit on it! Shit is shit and empty is empty! This thing is lying to me like the White House!
Electronics store, 2721 East 3rd Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Tony
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
9AM But First Text Me to Let Me Know It's an Important Call
Marketing guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops guy: I've CC-ed you on every email I sent to them.
Marketing guy: I don't have time to read my emails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important email give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
3PM Well within Their Ability to Bleed to Death
Engineer: So, this system should give the operators a maximum of 200 blisters per minute.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
9AM George and Laura Discuss Traveling with the Twins
Coworker: Well, we think we'll put them on leashes at the airport, because what if they get away from us? Nobody will know who we are, and nobody will know who they are.
Beacon Hill
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Going... Through... Withdrawal
Office grunt #1: The Internet is down. Email still works, but there's something wrong with the Internet.
Office grunt #2: So the Internet's running fine, right?
1 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'm gonna go with NO...
3PM No Problem, Then
Coworker #1 on speakerphone: How do I Google something?
Coworker #2: Go to W-W-W dot Google dot com. Then just use it like any other search engine.
Coworker #1: What's a search engine?
Coworker #2: You know, like when you use Yahoo or MSN to look something up.
Coworker #1: I've never Googled before in my life, and I never want to again!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: it actually got worse
11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To
Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
4PM They Revoked His Geek Credentials That Same Day
Office worker: I can't get into MAS. My codes aren't working.
Tech, after trying to enter codes: What the fuck? Now the numbers aren't even coming up.
Office worker, five minutes later: Uh, dude, you're using my calculator.
Tech: Son of a bitch!
Illinois
Overheard by: G$
4PM And Type with the Other Hand
Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing.
New York, New York
Overheard by: i LOVE my job
4PM But It Feels So Right
Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.
Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
11AM Betty: Yet Another Ingenious Excuse to Get Out of Working
Tech guy: Yeah, Betty* left a Post-it at my desk because her computer was broken -- it wouldn't turn on, but then when I got there it seemed to be fine.
HR rep: Oh, she actually came to me about it so I just left the Post-it for her just in case, but I'm pretty sure the reason it wouldn't turn on was because she was pressing the big round Dell symbol instead of the start button.
5700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I can turn on my computer
9AM The Global War on Terror Hits Another Snag
Tech #1: There. Translations are done. All nine languages.
Tech #2: That was fast. I didn't even know you spoke Arabic much less any of the others.
Tech #1: It's easy -- just highlight the text and change the font.
Tech #2: What?!
Tech #1: Yeah. We should hear back from the Army in a day or so. I went ahead and sent the new files off.
Tech #2: [Huge sigh.]
2000 Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM It's an Old Alaskan Prostitute Adage
Coworker #1: Man, it's cold in this room.
Coworker #2, pointing to thermostat: If you're cold, blow on that.
Coworker #1: What's that going to do for me? [Pause.] If it will make me warm, I'll blow anything.
Broad Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Coworker #3
8AM Celebrity Wit
After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com
Team Overheard
2PM And the Lightbulb in My Head Burned Out Years Ago!
Customer on speakerphone about SUN Microsystems software: ... And powered by the sun, eh? [Pause] Oh, wait, but I don't have much daylight in my apartment...
7795 West Flagler Street
Miami, Florida
2PM It's Actually the Frown of a Man in Bifocal Denial
Clerk: Are you worried?
Rehab counselor using laptop: No. Why?
Clerk: People always look worried while they are trying to memorize the Internet.
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
3PM So I Can Relate to You Guys Who Know Nothing
Information technology director to management team: You know me - I'm not real technological.
125 S Congress Street
Jackson, Mississippi
11AM She's Seen One Too Many Star Trek Episodes
Blonde #1: So, can you email me the paper sample when you receive it?
Blonde #2: Ahhh... no.
Wili Pa Loop
Wailuku, Hawaii
10AM Okay, Now Gently Place Half of a Potato over It...
IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down... Your mouse isn't working? [Pause] Ma'am... Ma'am, pick it up off the floor.
Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Also, Let Me Show You Our Thermonuclear Insect Repellents
Customer: How powerful is that pressure washer?
Salesman: I'm not sure... Uh... It's powerful enough to take your toes off...
Honolulu, Hawaii
9AM Waiter, I'll Have the Couch Potato with a Side of Gullible
Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
Caller: How long will that take?
CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
Caller: What?
CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
Bradford Drive
Huntsville, Alabama
3PM All That Is Covered in the Illustrated Syllabus
Teacher: Okay, so now that you know the basic rules of the computer lab, I have to ask you one more question... Do any of you ever check out the NMBLA website? [Silence.] Well I do, frequently. I want to know who the enemy is. Also, I like to look at the new Russian brides on Fridays.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cupcake1
2PM ... Impotence, Incontinence, Flatulence, Priapism...
Training instructor: You should not upgrade the software right when a patch comes out. Sometimes it may have bugs.
Student: So, it's like when you take a drug, sometimes it can have side effects like---
Training instructor: Yeah, but let's keep the discussion focused on software.
Student: ---Throwing up, vomiting...
Training instructor: Uh, yeah.
Madison, Alabama
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
11AM Since I Haven't Mastered Inner Typing
Manager on phone to computer terminal manufacturer: That terminal still isn't working properly, and if you don't fix it soon the customer is going to tell me to shove it up my ass... And I'm not prepared to do that at this time.
1462 Erie Boulevard
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: It wouldn't fit mine
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
5PM Has She Tried the Front Wipers?
Manager: Where's Patti*?
Worker: Her husband is having that cadillac surgery. She won't be in until later.
Manager: Cadillac surgery?
Worker: You know -- when they take the globs off of your eyes so you can see?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: admin in charge
5PM Don't Have an AutoFit
Tech support assisting with Excel: Whoa! No, no, no, no! I said I was going to adjust your columns, not kill you!
Trilegiant office
Trumbull, Connecticut
Overheard by: Redfox Alpha
11AM That Was MasterBeta Testing
Developer #1: We've never run the application in a clustered environment.
Developer #2: Yeah, but we've run it in a cluster-fucked environment.
Canal Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts
1PM Not That We Were Expecting Bloody Geniuses
Client: I've talked to some of these people applying online. They're a little scary -- it's not like they're Menses candidates.
Portland, Oregon
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
2PM That's Why You Shouldn't Mix Salty Foods with Carbonated Beverages
Marketing manager: Uh-oh. I just totally blogged.
4th Avenue and Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: embarrassed for you
2PM Her Oonication Skills Need Work
Associate: Hey, can you come look at my pooter?
Manager: Your what?
Associate: What? ... What? Come on, my computer!
Mass Street
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: tara
11AM Tell You What -- Half Price for You. You Can Give the Six Dollars to Me
Girl #1: Ummm, we need to make copies, and we don't want to spend a lot of money.
Student worker: The copier over there is 10 cents, same as everywhere on campus.
Girl #1: That's so expensive!
Student worker: You could also scan the papers and print them out. That's free.
Girl #1: What do you mean?
Student worker: Ummm, you can put them on the scanner, hit 'Scan,' and then when they pop up, hit 'Print.'
Girl #1: I don't know about this whole scanning thing -- it sounds really complicated.
Girl #2: But that sounds better than making copies. I mean, we only need 12, and I don't want to spend 12 dollars.
Campus library, Bemidji State University
Bemidji, Minnesota
3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
4PM Sure, Just Wad it up so it Fits Through Those Little Holes in the Phone
Customer: Do I have to pay for that over the phone?
Customer service agent: Yes, ma'am.
Customer: Do you take cash?
Glenwood Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: suse
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker
Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?
Stanford, CA
9AM Why Nigerian Emails Work
Coworker viewing a Myspace page: Jeff Buckley's online! He's dead, how is he doing this?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
2PM Jobs: Aha! We'll Start Attaching a kid to the 50GB Models. They'll Sell Like Hotcakes
IT woman #1: How do you work this thing?
IT guy #1: What is it? An iPod?
IT woman #1: Yeah, I'm trying to restart it but I don't know how.
IT guy #3: Ctrl, alt, delete!
IT woman #1: Don't any of you have iPods to help me out?
IT guy #2: I'll call my kids.
Maersk Offices
Algate, London
3PM The Bar For Being Old School Keeps Being Lowered
Coworker #1: You have an AOL email address?
Coworker #2: I know...So old-school.
623 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
2PM What Happens When You Think About Things that Don't Bear Thinking About
IT guy: Oh, good I'm back to the top of your favorite people list.
Sales assistant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William's gone; he's off the list.
Sales guy: Isn't William a gerbil?
Sales assistant: That's my gerbil! We're talking about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Peter* about gerbil; he likes 'em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the gerbils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hairless, clawless gerbils.
Peter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don't want one with claws..
Peter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hairless gerbils.
Sales guy: Don't forget clawless... you don't want one with claws.
Office Manager: Stop with the gerbils.
Sales guy, to himself: No... don't want one with claws....
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM I Just Hate Being Held Accountable for My Actions
CSR: Thanks for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Client on phone: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger* and we lost connection. Maybe you can finish walking me through whatever.
CSR: Sir, we do not have a Roger. You were just talking to me. We didn't lose connection. You hung up on me and I was walking you through understanding that our software does not do "whatever."
Eighth Floor, Galleria
Hoover, Alabama
3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.
Best Buy
Astoria, New York
5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X
Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: mmhmmm
1PM Sir, You Need More Services Than I Can Provide
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
9800 Fredericksburg Road
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Raydran
3PM So That's Why People Go into Hairstyling
Stylist on phone: Oh, I gave you the wrong phone number.... So is that like a fact-smile? A fact-smile. It says here the fact-smile number is 312-555-1234*.
South Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: waiting for a haircut
5PM So I Got This 'L' Tattooed on My Forehead
Guy: So it turned out my phone wasn't broken. It was just nobody wanted to call me.
Filton Road
Bristol, England
Overheard by: Rich
3PM Dan's Discount Dungeon
Female staffer #1: Yeah, we need to get us a gas-powered hedge trimmer.
Male staffer: Yeah, we have an electric, but it's battery-operated. And the battery only lasts about ten minutes, so it's like Extreme Speed Trimming. We have to get to that bush fast before the battery runs out.
Female staffer #2: Are y'all talking about vibrators?
Male staffer: Uh, well, sort of, except this one has teeth that chop long skinny things in half.
Female staffer #2: Oooh, kinky! Where'd you get it?
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
5PM I'll Bet the Fax Machine Will Be More Understanding
Speaker on fax machine: Listen, you freakin' idiot, this is the third time in five minutes you're tryin' to fax something to a phone number.
Employee in adjacent cubicle, two minutes later: Yeah, hi, this is the freakin' idiot... [loud squelching]... shit, now I dialed their fax number.
Georgesville Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: laughing in next cubicle
10AM Situational Ethics
Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.
Midtown
New York, New York
3PM And, If Not, Practicing Is More Fun Than Anything!
Division manager: I've played with it enough, it outta work by now.
Mechanicsville, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
4PM Who's on (Safety) First?
Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
12PM Canadians Keep Zoloft in the Water Supply For Moments Like This
CSR on speakerphone: Hey, when am I going to get my email fixed? I have things that I need to send out to clients.
IT guy: Oh, yeah, we sent you an email requesting some more information. We need you to send that email back before we can fix your issue...Hello? Are you sending that email?
CSR disconnects the call.
CSR: I'm going on break now.
1616 27th Avenue NE
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
9AM Learn to See Delay as a Gift of Time
Tech: Are you all set on the pdf server now?
Client: Yes, I think so. Is it supposed to be so fugging slow uploading pdfs onto the ftp site?
Tech: Yup! That's a feature.
Client: Neat. Thanks.
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
3PM Is He Related to That Blonde Kid Who Plays Guitar on the Disney Channel?
Tech guy #1: Jimmy Carter's son has a MySpace page.
Tech guy #2: Who the hell is Jimmy Carter?
600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
1PM Right Next to the 'Irony' Button
Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push "English"? "Spanish" shouldn't be an option. If they can't speak no English, they ain't got no business being here. Where's the "yes" button at?
Cashier: It's the button that says "yes" on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
10AM We're Still Trying to Get the Pope to Stop Using the Abacus
Techie: I'm sorry about the delay. We're using a new system, and I liked the old system. I'm a creature of habit and resist change.
Customer: Tell me about it; I'm with the Archdiocese.
555 International Way
Springfield, Oregon
5PM But You Will Need to Bring in a Wire So I Can Hang Myself Later
Desk clerk on phone: No, ma'am, you don't need a cable for the wireless network.
328 West Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused, if I wasn't dealing with the same idiot
2PM Sandi's Dead, But She Told Me Her Files Are in the Computer. Here's a Hammer.
Assistant: Do I need to do anything with this e-mail to Karen*?
Sales guy: No.
Assistant: Okay, I'm going to just drop it over into her folder and move on.
Sales guy: Okay, that's up to you.
Assistant: I save everything.
Sales guy: I like to delete. If I know you've saved it, I just delete it.
Assistant: Yeah, but what if my computer bursts into flames? Or what if I quit?
Sales guy: You? Quit? [laughs]
Assistant: You shouldn't laugh...
Sales guy: Oh.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM The Government Is Watching Him, But Only For Laughs
Clerk guy: Yeah, so we ordered a pizza last night, and the guy on the phone knew my address, get this, before I even told him!
Clerk girl: Don't they have caller ID or something?
Clerk guy: Man, I don't know. I was smoking a big one, and I was like, "Dude, whoa. I think the government is all watching me now."
Clerk girl: Um, probably not.
Clerk guy: Then explain to me how they knew my address and what kind of pizza I ordered last time! Explain that!
Kmart
Temple, Texas
Overheard by: Vicky
5PM I Tried Putting a Floppy in Her Once...Nothing
Computer guy #1: I can't see the hard drive on this network.
Computer guy #2: Well, the problem is that the disk isn't mounted. First you have to mount Claire*.
Claire: Hey!
Computer guy #2: Claire is the name of the office hard drive.
701 South Mount Vernon Avenue
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Amused
1PM Why Not Everyone Should Reproduce
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?...You're not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We've got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM I Think the Motherboard Is Pregnant
Suit: Help desk? My computer went down on me.
Tech support: Please hold on. [Places suit on speaker phone] Can you repeat that?
Suit: My computer went down on me!
Tech support, with entire support team laughing in the background: So, what's the problem?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
5PM Somebody Hit His 'Reset' Button
CSR: Do you know your son's name? Your secret question is "What is your son's name?" Do you know your son's name?
Person resetting password: No, ma'am, I don't know what that is either.
Mishawka, Indiana
2PM Use the Shank Key
VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, "I'll cut you."
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM First Break the Employee's Legs, Then Criticize the Way He Walks
GM: How were you days off?
Supervisor: Pretty good. Did some hiking.
GM: How was the conference?
Supervisor: What conference?
GM: I e-mailed you Wednesday about the loss prevention meeting on Thursday morning. I know it was short notice.
Supervisor: Thursday was my day off. Wednesday was my day off. I wasn't here to check my e-mails.
GM: So you didn't go to the mandatory meeting?
Supervisor: Um.
GM: You have to check your e-mail every day. No excuses.
Supervisor: I wasn't here to check my e-mail.
GM: No excuses.
687 12th Street
Gresham, Oregon
Overheard by: I love 50 e-mails a day
5PM The Founder of National E-Mail Right to Life Couldn't Even Delete Viagra Spam
Old-man employee: I am having problems with e-mail.
IT guy: What's wrong?
Old-man employee: I have got thousands of e-mails in my inbox and cannot send anything out 'cause I think the virus that is causing me to get all these e-mails is going to be spread to others.
IT guy: You don't have a virus.
Old-man employee: But I have thousands of e-mails. But I guess they are beautiful to watch.
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Alyn
3PM Just Scan in His Photo and Use Face-Recognition Google
Boss: I went to school with this guy...I don't remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I'd like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
11AM And What's a 'Document'?
Employee: Hey, Bertha*, can you help me send a fax? It's been so long since I've had to use this.
Bertha: Okay, well, put your document face up here, and then enter the number here, and press "start."
Employee: What number?
Bertha: The fax number you're sending to?
Employee: Oh, am I supposed to know that?
208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: snoopdude
12PM How Does Me Killing You and Assuming Your Identity Sound?
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith's* estate tax return! Why didn't you tell me to check my inbox?? There's all kinds of stuff in there that hasn't gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don't happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you'll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She's Not Psychic
3PM My Brain Is Still in Its Original Wrapping
Employee: So, we were going to mail all these invoices, but instead we're going to fax them since our postage machine died. Just put them on here and press start.
Temp: Okay! Got it.
Temp begins faxing.
Employee: Um, you have to take them out of the envelopes first.
380 Interlocken Crescent
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Catherine
11AM I'm So Almost Over Her
Office drone #1: Last week I was on MySpace, and I dropped my old high school girlfriend a line. Would you see this as being friendly or creepy?
Office drone #2: Well, did you search specifically for her?
Office drone #1: No, I seriously just happened across her through my high school's page, but unbeknownst to me she had just recently set up her account. I'm just freaked out that it looks like I've been trolling the internet waters waiting for her to surface and then, bam! Ten years ago that would have been the case, but not now.
Liberty Drive
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: giselle
11AM It'll Use the 'Eponymous Rage' Defense at Its Trial
Frustrated employee: I'm gonna build a robot named Microchip, and it's going to look like a microchip and it's going to kill people.
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: D
5PM It's 'Mothyr-Fuckynge' in the Constitution
Person on phone, in next cube: Does "motherfucking" have a hyphen in it?...Well, in all these criminal cases I see "motherfucking" without a hyphen and spell-check doesn't recognize it.
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Snorting coffee out my nose
2PM Eudora Downs Sydrome
Agent: Thank you for calling the help desk. Can I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: Is Eudora down?
Agent: Um, Eudora is a program that is isolated on your computer. It is not a system or network of everyone's email.
Customer: Is Eudora [campus email] down?
Agent: No.
Customer: I'll call my cable company.
Customer hangs up.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brandon
3PM Cellular Difficulty
Coworker: Okay, I'm headed out to the meeting. I have the cell phone if you need me...Does this have to be turned on, or will it turn itself on when a call comes in?
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Typo
Sales guy: Crap! I shoulda used spell check. But nooo, I had to go and be smart.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Marketing Powwow
Exec: Babies don't go online! Mothers do.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
1PM Cyber Flirting
Employee #1: How many innings are in a baseball game? Eight? Ten?
Employee #2: Are you serious?
Employee #1: Yeah. C'mon, how many?
Employee #2: Eight. Why do you want to know?
Employee #1: I'm talking to this girl and I just told her she's struck out at the bottom of the ninth, and then I wrote, "even though there's only eight innings in baseball." Ha ha.
Employee #2: Did you send the instant message?
Employee #1: Yeah.
Employee #2: There's nine innings in baseball.
215 Glenbrook Road
Storrs, Connecticut
Overheard by: trying to contain laughter
10AM Control Room
Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won't know how to write code.
880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
3PM Internship
Boss: How many servers do you think Google has?
Lackey: Infinite.
Boss: Infinite? You're a retard.
15 Alatarinda Road
Orinda, California
Overheard by: choking on a brownie
1PM Naptime
Sales assistant: What are you doing?
QC guy: Taking a nap.
Sales assistant: You are precariously close to your CPU.
QC guy: What? What is that, a part of my body?
Sales assistant: Right. Don't call me when you break that computer again.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Is Office 2003 the latest version of Office that's out?
Salesperson: Yeah, they most likely won't come out with a new version until Vista is released, which should be about the end of the year.
Customer: What's that?
Salesperson: Vista?
Customer: Yeah, Rista? What is that? Is that the new Office?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the new operating system that's coming out. Last I heard Microsoft was planning to release it near the end of this year.
Customer: Microsoft's going to sell computers now?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the operating system that gets installed on computers. It's what makes your computer run.
Customer: Oh, yeah, I knew that already. Are you going to be carrying Microsoft's new computers?
Willard Building
State College, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech support: Can you tell if it's an Ethernet cable or a phone cable?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Well, if you hold it up to the cable attached to your phone and you look at the plug, if it looks the same, you've got a phone cable. If it's bigger, it's probably Ethernet.
Customer: Oh cool. Let me look.
Tech support: WAIT! [dial tone]
711 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Needs Some Fresh Air
Customer service: Is your desktop on the screen of your laptop?
Customer: Yes.
Customer service: Okay, go ahead and close all windows.
Customer: My apartment does not have any windows.
245 Crossroads Parkway
Bolingbrook, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Office-wide voicemail from IT person: Attention all H Street associates. The network will be down beginning at 10am...10pm...shit! [Hangs up]
1717 H Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Hamshank Houghmagandie
1PM Conference Call
Call leader: Whoever has your phone on hold, please take us off hold. We can hear the music.
151 Major Reynolds Place
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: mba
11AM To Hear Your Messages
Voicemail: Hello, this is Joe* from engineering, I'm having a problem with my computer, and was told you could help me out. It appears that there is a problem with my fixed dick...er, ficked disk, fisk dick.
[pause]
FIXED DISK.....
4747 Harrison Avenue
Rockford, Illinois
11AM Checking Gmail
Intern at computer, to self: I gotta get out of this relationship. She's sending me pictures of jewelry.
3330 Founders Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech on phone in next cube: How can I help you? ... Uh huh. Well like it said in the doc, you have to name the files alphabetically for that to work. ... Alphabetically means from A to Z. ... No, sir, you can't name one file code_abc and the next one code_aba, a is before c... Yes, abz would work. ... Numbers come before letters. ... You're welcome. [hangs up phone] Fuck this shit, I can't even smoke it. I'm going home!
800 S Canal Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Production Services
Manager: Hey there... What are you doin?
Support: Just some really ugly updates to [client]'s website
Manager: Ahh, who cares as long as it's billable.
Support pauses. . .
Manager: It is billable, right?
8840 Commons Boulevard
Twinsburg, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Boss: I sent you an email.
Assistant: Oh, thanks.
Pause
Boss: You going to read it?
Assistant: No, I don't do emails anymore. I gave that up.
Boss: Hmmm.... I like that. "I don't do emails anymore". I like that. I'm going to go with it.
Assistant: Yeah, it's working for me so far.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy on phone: Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the fax?
Pause
Guy on phone: Well I specifically wrote on the fax cover sheet, "If you don't get this, call me."
265 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ray Del Savio
9AM Back to Work
Hosting rep: Alright sir, I reset your password so you can log in.
Pause
Hosting rep: Are you ready for it now?
Pause
Hosting rep: Ok sir, it's all capital letters... It is I-D-1-0-T.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Ok. Since it seems like [Dougie] doesn't want to be a part of the team and show up for meetings, [Steve], from now on, when you send out meeting requests, make sure the invitation is sent to him personally.
[Steve]: So basically, I should click a few more times to enable this otherwise unacceptable behavior?
Manager: Right.
[Steve]: Got it.
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
11AM Error Message
Boss: I am sending emails like a wildman, I just can't get them.
Assistant: Maybe your email box is full. Wait, no, you delete everything
Boss: Well, it could be full. I have 1,100 emails.
Assistant: Gah!
Boss: I'm not getting anything but this error message
Assistant: Wait, you're getting an error message? That could be helpful; what does it say?
Boss: It just says "error"
Assistant: This is going to be a long day, huh?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Logging In
Sales guy: Sooo, how do I get on our intranet again?
His assistant: We put this on your Favorites list, remember? We've done this before.
Sales guy: No.. no.. I'm not seeing it.
Assistant: Yes, the very first time I showed you how to log in, I had you add it to your Favorites first.
Sales guy: I don't know, but I know I'm not seeing it.
Assistant: Hmm, I can't remember if it was under a subfolder or not.
Sales guy: What are you talking about?
Pause
Assistant: Okay, let's start from the beginning... Open up your Internet Explorer....
Sales guy: Okay... done...
Assistant: Now click on Favorites....
Sales guy: Oooh. Is it called [Company Inc]-home?
Assistant: Mmm hmm. That would be it.
Cubicle neighbor: Is this the same voice you use to explain things to your daughter?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Tech Training
Manager: Can you spell my email address?
IT guy: It's your name!
Manager: I know, but could you spell it for me?
1979 Marcus Avenue
Lake Success, New York
Overheard by: Why am I the temp again?!?
4PM System Diagnostics
Coworker: Apparently somebody took the RAM out of my computer and replaced it with crap.
3 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, California
2PM Project Meeting
Manager: How are we supposed to get any work done if all of our developers keep getting sucked off?
4740 44th Avenue SW
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: g-man
10AM Checking Specs
Web designer on phone: It says "new as of date." What does "as of" mean?
1800 Ninth Avenue
Seattle, Washington
10AM Tech Support
Tech support rep: ...the accelerator card. No, the one connected to your array. OK, uplug that.
Pause
Tech support rep: OK, are you grounded?
Pause
Tech support rep: OK, gently pull it from the slot.
Pause
Tech support rep: Now lick it.
Pause, snickering, then slight panic.
Tech support rep: No sir. I was just kidding.
290 Donald Lynch Blvd.
Marlborough, Massachusetts
Overheard by: James McCabe
1PM Application Support
Support tech on headset: Ok, so do you have the application loaded on your handheld now?
45 second pause
Support tech: Sir, sir, excuse me, sir, it was a yes or no question.
1521 Pacific Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
3PM On-the-Job Training
Assistant: Hey, I couldn't figure out how to put it into Word from Excel. So here you go.
Boss: You just cut and paste it.
Assistant: But you can't do that from Excel to Word, it won't let you.
Boss: Yes, you can, just right-click and copy and paste it.
Assistant: Trust me, I just spent the whole morning trying to, it's a locked document.
Boss: OK, 1947 called, and they want their technology ability back. What's wrong with you? Hey, who hired you again?
300 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cam
10AM Software Shopping
IT: If we're going to upgrade, what would be the difference between versions 7.1 and 6.5?
Manager: .6
5301 Bolsa Avenue
Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Adam Westrich
3PM Ringing Up
Customer: Will this XBox game work on a Playstation 2?
Salesperson: No.
Customer: Well, I will try it, but if it doesn't can I return it?
Clarke Crescent
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: Kiran
4PM Catching Up
Guy in next cubicle on phone: Speak up! I can't hear you because of the solar flares.
1500 West County Road
Roseville, Minnesota
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here
4PM Error Message
Computer tech: how often you clean your hard drive?
Customer: Once in a while, but I always use Windex.
27 Scotch Road
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: chris doan
3PM Customer Interfacing
Son: Do you believe in animal testing?
Mother: Yes and no. I think that it's fine to do it on all of the extra animals taking up space out there who don't belong to anyone, but when they take people's pets from their homes for testing, I think that's wrong.
4420 Austin Bluffs Parkway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
10AM Brainstorming Session
Manager: We should try putting up our design pattern library on one of those new . . . kiwis!
Drone: [Sigh] Wikis?
1 Kirkwood Boulevard
Southlake, Texas
4PM Calling IT
Worker: There is something wrong with my computer. It is really
slow... I mean really slow. It is like having a conversation with Keanu Reeves.
26 Arrowsmith Road
Hamilton, Ontario
1PM Customer Visit
Customer: I don't understand why you can't keep up with production.
Program manager: You aren't following the rules. You are running twice the daily quoted volumes.
Customer: But we are still under the yearly volumes. You just need to plan better.
Program manager: I can't just shit capacity out of my ass!
5540 Parque Industrial
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
9AM Back to Work
Engineer: I have this weird beeping signal on my phone. Do I need to dial a 1 when calling this number?
Tech support guy takes the phone and hits redial.
Tech support guy: No. That is a busy signal.
5032 South Ash Avenue
Tempe, Arizona
2PM Network Check
IT guy: Let me make sure everything is kosher with the server.
Brand manager: Do you need a rabbi for that?
IT guy: All the servers come with a rabbi chip now.
259 Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia
11AM Tech Services
Director: Here's the travel laptop I'm returning. Can you delete some of the files I put on there?
IT Manager: Yeah, sure, I'll clean it out. I better not find any pubic hairs stuck in the keyboard.
1100 L Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM Customer Service Call
A customer is on speakerphone.
Customer: Which one is the spacebar?
Co-worker: How can you not know where the spacebar is?
Customer: I'm not good with computers.
Co-worker: But you've used a typewriter before, haven't you?
Customer: Yeah, so?
460 Hillside Avenue
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Did you have a computer ethics class in college?
Programmer: [Scoffs] There is no ethics, it's a computer.
10 Salt Creek Lane
Hinsdale, Illinois
Overheard by: Bill Dwyer
11AM Tech Support
Woman on cell: Well, when I get to my office, I'll turn on my computer and run through what you did, to see what may be wrong with your computer. [pause] No, Mom, I can't get onto your computer from my computer.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
11AM Tech Meeting
Attendee #1: Can it be programmed so our office and cell phones ring simultaneously?
Attendee #2: What do you mean by simultaneously?
2901 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Rachel Marie
10AM Update Site
Supervisor: Internet access appears to be back up.
Accountant: I don't care; hurl yourself out the nearest window immediately.
2005 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Laugh at Interns
Intern #1: Well, we got these power packs for our laptops. But how do we charge them?
Intern #2: Um...you plug it in the wall!
Intern #1: How was I supposed to know that?
300 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Staff Meeting
Worker #1: Here's a copy of the memo.
Worker #2: What's it say?
Worker #1: Nothing. It's absolutely useless.
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker: I think my computer just froze up. The mouse pointer won't move on the screen.
Supervisor: Did you check the batteries?
1350 Massachusetts Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Receptionist: He's charged with digital rape, but I don't see how you can rape someone over the internet.
501 Latrobe Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
2PM Update Database
SysAdmin: What users do you want me to move to the Gig Harbor office?
User on speaker: [Melinda] from Kirkland.
SysAdmin: I show [Melinda] as being in Reno.
User on speaker: Oh, maybe that's her sister.
SysAdmin: Her sister is also named [Melinda]?...Hello?
User on speaker: Can I call you back on that?
8655 South Eastern Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM Tech Support
Boss: [Bryan], can you help me? I can't seem to find my HTML. It's just not there anymore.
15 Altarinda Road
Orinda, California
9AM Back to Work
Manager: I should send you guys a screenshot of my desktop. It looks like Bill Gates threw up all over it.
17601 Brook Park Road
Brook Park, Ohio
10AM Update PR File
CTO: My interview article is in USA Today!
Programer: Can you send me the link? Never mind, I'll just Google "USA Today".
600 Newport Center Drive
Newport Beach, California
11AM Work on Template
Temp: I have a few questions about the PowerPoint project that I'm trying to get my head around.
Manager: Okay.
Temp: So what do you want again?
Manager: I just want a template...Something visual that we can use over and over.
Temp: What do you want in it?
Manager: I don't know. That's why I want a template. So I need you to create something that looks like the department standard, with our logo and so on, the right corporate background color, with dummy copy as placeholders.
Temp: So where do I find the words you want in it?
Manager: They don't exist yet. We're working on that. That's why it's a template and not a final project.
Temp: So what do you want in all the boxes?
Manager: Nothing. Just a place so I can go in and write it. I just want a formatted background and text boxes in place.
Temp: Right, but what should I put in the text boxes?
Manager: Whatever you want.
Temp: So let me get this right: You want me to create a PowerPoint with place for different words.
Manager: Yes.
Temp: But you don't know what the words are?
Manager: That's why it's a template.
Temp: I see. So I will just use one of the PowerPoint templates.
Manager: No. It needs to be in the style of the company. Those are too generic.
Temp: I'm confused.
Manager: It seems so.
Temp: Can I just do it in Word?
111 East 59th Street
New York, NY
4PM Update Database
Co-worker #1: Wow! That's the longest email I've ever gotten from a customer.
Co-worker #2: Really? What is it?
Co-worker #1: [Kateunderscorelee]@yahoo.com
Co-worker #2: That's not long...Oh! Um, do you know what an "underscore" is? You don't spell it out.
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
12PM Update Personnel Files
Manager #1: Are you sure you don't need anything more? We've got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven't you heard? I'm cheap and easy. It doesn't take much to please me.
Peon: That's what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
10AM Call Building Maintenance
Secretary: Y'all like sittin' in the dark?
Co-worker #1: You just gotta get used to it. The lights are broken.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark.
Co-worker #2: Well, I think they went out over the weekend.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark...Just like in the Underground Railroad.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
9AM Back to Work
Engineer: I'm against Google Earth! The terrorists are using it! And the communists!
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
10AM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: Ew!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: His internet history has porn on it!
Co-worker #2: Really?
Co-worker #1: Yeah!
Co-worker #2: Like what?
Co-worker #1: A whole bunch of free stuff from [Fleshbot].com. I can't believe this.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know...
Co-worker #1: I mean...I don't care if he does this at home, but not at this computer...We work in here!
Co-worker #2: Yeah...Sure...What was that site again?
41 West Clinton Avenue
Tenafly, New Jersey
2PM Schedule Tech Course
Boss: Hey, my mouse arrow is reversed on the screen.
Worker: What...how?
Boss: If I go this way, it goes that way...Oh, never mind, I was holding it upside down.
10199 Riverford Road
Lakeside, California
12PM Restock Cabinet
Magazine Editor: Can you help me? I think the stapler's broken...See it's broken because it doesn't have any staples.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: Did you look at the fax machine?
Tech: Yes, it's gorgeous!
203 Floral Vale Boulevard
Yardley, Pennsylvania
12PM Beta Testing (Cont'd)
Boss: By the way, I changed a lot of your code, so if it breaks, that's why.
5720 Green Circle Drive
Minnetonka, Minnesota
10AM Send Intern Out for New Equipment
IT: My vibrator doesn't work; I think it's worn out...On my phone! On my phone! The vibrate function on my phone doesn't work! Oh, god.
140 Research Boulevard
Madison, Alabama
Overheard by: map ref 41n 93w
11AM Forward Files
Boss: I need you to email this to [Kevin].
Assistant: No problem, I have the electronic version right here. I'll email it out in a sec.
Boss: Great...Oh, and make sure my notes don't show up when you send it out.
Assistant: Your notes?
Boss: Yeah, the notes I wrote there in the margins.
Assistant: Um, don't worry. They won't.
Boss: Great, thanks.
Assistant: Just fucking retire already...Jesus!
300 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM Back to Work
Cube #1: Did you know you can type "deferred" with one hand?
Cube #2: Couldn't you type any word with one hand?
Cube #1: Yeah...but you can type it with one hand.
Cube #2: Yeah...couldn't you type any word with one hand?
Cube #1: No...I mean, it means you can type it with one hand; the letters are all within one inch of each other. D-e-f-e-r-r-e-d.
Cube #2: Oh!...I definitely spelled that wrong.
One Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Reports Due at Printer
Editor: We don't have time to review the files. Have the vendors send their files directly to the printer. At this point, we're approving crap.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
11AM File Report
User: My computer won't turn on.
Tech: The tower is missing. How do you expect to use a computer someone stole?
User: Well, they left the keyboard, mouse and monitor. Is that something?
498 7th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Sensitivity Training
Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.
12 East 46th Street
New York, NY
4PM Get Janet to Redo Brochures
Tech: You can't save with Adobe Reader. You have to have Professional to save what you enter in the form.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: Yes, but in Reader. You have to have Professional.
Sales Assistant: So I can't save?
Tech: Right.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: That doesn't matter. You still can't save the form.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: In Reader. You have to have Professional to save the data you enter in the form. Reader won't let you save changes to a PDF.
Sales Assistant: Okay. But I have 6.0. Why can't I save with that?
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
2PM Call Technician
Copier Technician: Sir, your software isn't compatible with this machine. It's outdated.
Offie Manager: Well, the sales guy promised it would work.
Copier Technician: Did you try it out before you bought it?
Office Manager: No, I trusted the sales guy that it would do what he said it would do.
Copier Technician: Well, this isn't the first time you've dealt with a sales person, is it? When I make a significant purchase, I try it before I sign the contract.
Office Manager: How you ever going to get married, son?
Copier Technician: Sorry?
Office Manager: I said how you ever going to get married?
Copier Technician: I am married, sir.
Office Manager: Well, did you try out your wife before you got married?
Copier Technician: What?
310 Dorla Court
Zephyr Cove, Nevada
12PM Send Out Press Release
Boss: So see if you can find these people's email addresses.
Intern: ...You want me to find Desmond Tutu's email address?
Boss: Try Google if you get stumped.
2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM That's a WWWrap
Sales: What was the the address again? WW..?
Manager: ...W?
Sales: Yeah that's it, that sounds right. WWW.
160 McClaren Road
Coraopolis, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Health Exec: You working late?
Tech Exec: Nah, downloading porn. You?
Health Exec: Oh, you know it. Nursing administration porn. Woo-hoo!
Tech Exec: Send some my way. I'll send you some telecommunications porn.
Health Exec: "Oh baby, show me your phone. Let me see your router." Good times.
595 Market Street
San Francisco, California
1PM Lunch
Manager: These monitors that you are getting rid of; are they any good?
Tech: They are a little fuzzy.
Manager: "A little fuzzy"? What's "a little fuzzy"?
Tech: You know, like a hamster.
90 Sherman Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM Work on RFP
Office Worker: This file won't unzip! Unzip, you! Dammit, unzip!
Supervisor: You should try sweet talking it a little bit. Maybe you should buy it dinner first.
105 North Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2PM Update Database
Temp: This person gave their email address as being at "hotmail.con". Should I enter it as "hotmail.com"?
Employee: No, put whatever is on the application.
1776 West Lakes Parkway
West Des Moines, Iowa
4PM Work on Spreadsheets
CCA: My Excel's not working.
Manager: I don't care.
CCA: What should I do if my Excel's not working and you don't care?
Manager: Call the Ghostbusters.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
12PM Reboot Servers
Unix Admin #1: Hey [Garth], are you hung?
Unix Admin #2: Yeah, I would say that we all are.
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
10AM Pick Up Package
Worker #1: I'm expecting my new inbox today.
Worker #2: You're pregnant again?
Worker #1: ...
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
9AM Back to Work
Clerk: I got an error message on that email I sent.
Manager: Well, then you aren't holding your mouth right, are ya?
Clerk: What?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
2PM Unclog Machine
Admin: The fax machine says "jam error". Is that on our end or theirs?
100 Parsonage Road
Edison, New Jersy
11AM Update Site
User: We want a tutorial on the website's front page so we know how to use the website.
Tech: Well, from the front page, you just click on "Help"...
User: Yes, but we want the instructions themselves on the front page.
Tech: I'm sorry, no. The user's only allowed to be so stupid here. They can click on the help button.
User: Oh, okay!
695 Palmer Drive
Raleigh, North Carolina
4PM Buy New Fax
Boss: So that fax machine is jamming again? I thought the repairman was just in here fixing it? What did he say?
Employee: No, it was that one that he fixed. You switched the faxes, right? So the good one is up here and the bad one is in the back?
Boss: No. I told you this morning that I wasn't going to do that because your mom was coming in to fax tomorrow so we might as well just get the bad one fixed.
Employee: Who were you talking to? The repair guy? Are you sure you were talking to me?
Boss: No, I was talking to the post.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
12PM Hire Receptionist
Co-worker #1 on intercom: [Renee], you have a call on line one.
Co-worker #2 on intercom: [Brenda], there is a call on line 3 for you.
Boss on intercom: All right, people. We have to stop using this all-over-the-building page thing for no good reason.
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM Mail Contracts
Warehouse worker: Can you fax this document to a P.O. box for me?
Shipping clerk: Usually I would "fax" this to a P.O. Box for you [Gina], but my fax machine is down right now. So maybe you should "buy" a stamp and use the Postal Service for this one!
Warehouse worker: Oh, okay, thanks for the help. Where do we keep the
stamps and who works in the Postal Service?
495 3rd Street
Pineville, Louisiana
Overheard by: Lesn N. Tothem
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Why are you guys just sitting there? What's going on?
Underling: I'm helping her with her mouse. It looks like her computer froze.
Manager: Well, you shouldn't let it get so cold.
8484 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM QA
User: I don't want a customer to be able to login and they might guess that their password is "welcome."
Tech: We can change it to, let's say, "monkey123."
User: Well, what if they guess "monkey123"?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Something's wrong with my computer. I think it's broken.
IT: Your monitor is off.
201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina
4PM Work on Server
Dev #1: Why would we ever deny the faculty access to Moodle?
Dev #2: We might have always cut the ends off a ham because our mom taught us to.
Dev #1: ...
1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri
9AM Back to Work
President: This is our IT department. Those people write new programs all day long.
Customer: Oh, so this is the Nerd Center!
1047 17th Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
10AM Client Meeting
Producer: So, here is everything you need for the meeting.
Account Person: Okay. Did you get a chance to make the changes we talked about?
Produer: What changes?
Account Person: The changes that were brought up in the call. I talked about them in the conference wrap-up email.
Producer: I didn't get a conference wrap-up email.
Account Person: Well I know, I didn't send it to you yet.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Update Files
Admin: One of our districts is having trouble modifying a document from our website.
Graphic Designer: It can't be modified. It's a PDF.
Admin: Right. So I was wondering if you would turn off the PDF so they can make their changes.
Graphic Designer: ...Um, no.
2100 I-70 Drive SW
Columbia, Missouri
10AM Excel Class
Accounting: I mean, I know how to use Excel. Just not for spreadsheets and stuff.
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
2PM Order Discs
Co-worker: Is these discs recorderable overable?
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
12PM Pay Bills (Cont'd)
Client: Wait, so what do you mean I can use my debit card. How does a debit card work? Do you like, just write it in your check registry?
Stylist: Yeah, it's like a check, only electronic. You have to use your PIN number.
Client: I've never seen this before! Wait, I don't know my PIN number.
Stylist: It's the same as your ATM number. It's the same thing.
Client: ...This is amazing!
110 East Delaware Place
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: phone girl
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: He figured out how to take the "this was sent from a BlackBerry" message off, so he can email and nobody knows he's not in the office.
Worker #2: Gosh, he's sneaky.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Duncan
12PM Get Server Update
IT: Email seems to be working fine. I did a few tests and it's delivering viruses in an almost real-time fashion.
1201 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Adam G
5PM Preach It All Weekend, Brother
Project Engineer: If you expect me to do quality work I'm going to need a raise.
10 West Mifflin Street
Madison, Wisconsin
11AM [Bryan] Out
Worker: [Bryan]'s sick today; he IMed me and said he needs one of us to come to his house and give him a sponge bath.
1831 Chestnut Street
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Server Upgrades
Server support: The server is still taking errors?
Network support: Okay?
Server support: Did you run the new cable we asked for?
Network Support: Yes.
Server support: Are you sure you ran it to the correct server?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: Did you test the cable?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: How did you test it?
Network support: I farted on one end and I could smell it on the other.
1600 Dublin Road
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn't get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven't you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
12PM Fax Info
Supervisor: I need you to fax this enrollment form to the dental insurance company right away.
Peon: Shouldn't I make a copy first?
9111 Duke Boulevard
Mason, Ohio
12PM Software Rollout
Tech: You need to do a reboot for the changes to take effect.
Employee: Can I do a restart?
Tech: No, you must shut the computer down completely.
Employee: Can I turn it back on again?
140 Research Boulevard
Madison, Alabama
4PM Order New PCs
IT #1: I asked him if he was in the United States.
IT #2: I tell people if you want to buy a computer, call their support line. If you can't stand the accent, don't buy that computer.
1100 SW 6th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
2PM IT Meeting
IT Manager: Yeah, he named all of his functions after fish. He was a brilliant programmer, so we let it slide.
149 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Fax Offer Letter
Co-worker: I just walked past the copy and fax machine area, and all the hair on my arms stood straight up like a science fiction movie!
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Scan PC
Tech: Oh crap, I've been infected by Google.
30833 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
11AM Check Email
Boss: He said he sent me an email via his BlackBerry. It must have ended up in some pigeon's stomach.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM Upgrade Software
Staff: Hey, can one of you help me fix--
IT: Go away before I replace you with a very small shell script.
7117 Florida Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: CP
10AM Order New Camera
Boss: Damn it! My camera is dead again!
Receptionist: Didn't you just replace those batteries a couple of days ago?
Boss: Yes.
Sales: Maybe you're out of megapixels.
1003 Distribution Drive
Columbus, Ohio
9AM They're At It Again
Co-worker #1: Don't you think the enter key is kind of phallic? You know--how it's all "enter" with an arrow pointing?
Co-worker #2: Huh. Yeah. Weird.
Co-worker #1: And there's the backspace button too. Arrow points the same way.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, maybe that's so gay people don't feel left out?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Install New Software
Tech: ...and if it gives you any problems, just call me. Any time, doesn't matter. I sleep with my cell phone.
Lawyer: I've slept with worse.
11377 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eve Z. Dropper
12PM Test Phones
Shipping Manager: I can't hear anything on my phone whenever I make or receive a call. Can you check it out for me?
IT Director: Did you get your hearing checked?
4055 Casilio Parkway
Clarence, New York
2PM Training
Tech: Okay, now right-click there.
Admin: Here?
Tech: No, right-click. Right there.
Admin: Okay...
Tech: No, get rid of that. Right-click. Right there. Right-click. Right-click...Which button are you clicking?
Admin: The left one.
Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
10AM Update Report
Assistant: How about an update on the report for the database we talked about last week? Have you gotten to that yet?
IT: I'm not sure which one you're talking about.
Assistant: Well, currently there is a cross-tab that displays home addresses and a cross-tab that displays financial aid, but we need a report to show us the student records by state with home address, and we need a find-sort for all students with financial aid and a hold on their account.
IT guy: ...Um, I couldn't tell where that sentence began and where it ended.
Dean's assistant: Neither could I.
633 Main Street
Burlington, Vermont
12PM Programming
Front Desk: What does code 99499 mean?
Coder: "You're a dirty whore."
Front Desk: They have codes for that?
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Tech Support
Dinosaur: I hate this hourglass.
IT: The hourglass at your cursor?
Dinosaur: Yes, can you remove it?
IT: Why?
Dinosaur: It slows my computer down.
7071 University Boulevard
Winter Park, Florida
4PM Restock Printer
Office worker: The paper coming out of the printer is really hot! It's never been that hot before. Can we do something to cool it down?
Tech: Oh, I forgot! I put the summer paper in there! I'll switch to the winter paper! Give me 10 minutes.
1700 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
2PM Update Site
Manager: When you're finished with the accessibility development for the hotels path, start on rental cars site.
Programmer: Um...accessibility...for rental cars?
Manager: Yes.
Programmer: So, we want to make it easier for the blind to rent cars?
Manager: Yeah...I know.
800 Connecticut Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
10AM Tech Support
Tech on phone: Okay, go ahead and type in your password...Yep, just type it in...In the password field...Just type it...With your keyboard...Should be right in front of you... Has letters on it...Great!
3601 SW Murray Boulevard
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: onebadwebmonkey
10AM Call Phone Company
Admin: The phones and internet are down temporarily.
Agent: Damn, I was expecting a phone call.
Admin: Yeah, sorry, there's nothing we can do about it. There's a
problem with the hard lines to our building.
Agent: Oh, I have an idea. I can fax them.
Admin: You can't. The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Right. Oh! I can send them an email.
Admin: You can't.
Agent: Why not?
Admin: The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Oh.
907 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM Check in with Devs
Co-worker #1: So do you think the developers can hit this target?
Co-worker #2: I mean the bar is so low how can they not?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I suppose even people in the Special Olympics can make it over this one.
10866 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM Check Up on Renatl Department
Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?
1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Bathroom Break
Worker #1: I think there must be something wrong with this phone.
Worker #2: Why?
Worker #1: Every day I check it here and it always goes out at the same time and I can't get a signal
Worker #2: Do you always use it in the bathroom?
Worker #1: Yeah, I don't understand why every day at the same it doesn't work.
Worker #2: Why don't you take it outside?
He goes outside the bathroom for a couple of minutes and comes back in.
Worker #1: See? I come back in and it's not working.
Boss in stall: You're surrounded by two feet of concrete in every direction! The signal can't penetrate!
2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee Virginia
Overheard by: badford
2PM Call Staples (They've Got That)
Receptionist: Do you have any extra wireless cords?
2777 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Print Reports
Engineer: Ah, crap.
Secretary: Whatsamatta?
Engineer: Printer's giving me an error message.
Secretary: And what does it say?
Engineer: Tray two is empty..
Secretary: Well, then fill it. Reams are right next to it.
Engineer: Yeah, uh, well, which tray is tray two?
Secretary: Gee, I don't know; maybe the one labeled "two"?
Engineer: Oh, that's what those numbers mean?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
4PM Final Trip Preparations
Boss: Will my BlackBerry work in Thailand?
IT: Yeah, it will work anywhere in Europe.
One Allen Center
Houston, Texas
10AM Monitor Calls
Accountant on speaker: Okay, I tried entering my password and it didn't work.
Tech: I reset it to "password."
Accountant on speaker: Okay, let me try my password again.
Tech: Make sure you type "password."
Accountant on speaker: It didn't work again.
Tech: Iou typed far too many letters for the word "password." Did you type in "password" as your password?
Accountant on speaker: Yu never told me to do that.
Tech: So what part of my sentance confused you: "Type in the word
'password' when it asks you for your password", or "I reset it for you, your password is now 'password.'"
Accountant on speaker: I have a CPA, don't talk to me like that.
Tech: I can make up acronyms too. I'll be in your office in five
minutes. In the meantime, ponder this one: I'm OMGWTF certified.
220 Woodbine Road
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
4PM Clean Up Hard Drive
Copy Editor: Hi, [Marco]. You just missed the porn.
Art Director: What?
Copy Editor: I'm serious. There was porn but I just deleted it. Spam. Usually they take out the pictures...
Art Director: Why didn't I get the porn?
6100 Center Drive
Los Angeles, California
2PM IT Conference Call
Tech Support: Okay, I need you to go to a command prompt and type
"'mail from:' your email address" and this should get you a connection.
User: It didn't work.
Tech Support: Okay, so you typed "'mail from:' your email address" and it didn't work for you?
User: Wait a minute. Did you say you wanted me to type "nail" or "mail"?
1010 Niagara Street
Buffalo, New York
11AM Invent Colorizing Copier
Office Tech: I don't understand why this isn't coming out in color. I'm using the color copier.
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
2PM Briefing
Marketing Manager: We have to prepare for the unexpected. For example, there was the one time last summer when AT&T went down on me for five painful hours, and there was just nothing we could do about it.
111 River Street
Hoboken, New Jersey
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR: Oh, you work on computers? You probably know more than I do so this should be an easy call, huh?
25 Brooklyn Avenue
Forsyth, Georgia
5PM Here's the Weekend!
Co-worker #1: User Name is your username, and Password is your password.
Co-worker #2: That sounds easy enough.
Co-worker #1: .And if you forget, I have it on a yellow stickie.
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
4PM QA
Co-worker: How about the software configuration?
Analyst: Your questions are very annoying!
Co-worker: I'm guessing you shouldn't tell clients they are annoying.
8315 Century Park Court
San Diego, California
5PM Goodnight Moon
Co-worker #1: Why are you sitting there starring at your monitor while the computer is off?
Co-worker #2: Because I recieved a server message stating that it was going to install something on my computer and that I should save everything before 15 minutes are up because the system will shut down.
Co-worker #1: Did you save everything?
Co-worker #2: Yes.
Co-worker #1: Did the computer shut down by itself?
Co-worker #2: Yes.
Co-worker #1: So, why are you sitting there starring at the monitor while the computer is off?
Co-worker #2: I'm waiting for the computer to start back up.
Co-worker #1: Have you pressed the power button?
Co-worker #2: No.
1000 Jerry St. Pe' Highway
Pascagoula, Mississippi
4PM Research PDAs
Co-worker #1: If I sent the e-mail to [Duncan]'s BlueBerry, would he be able to open the attachment?
Co-worker #2: What's a BlueBerry?
Co-worker #1: You know, a PDA. Everyone up there has them.
Co-worker #2: I thought those were BlackBerrys?
Co-worker #1: No, they are blue, the black ones are last seasons's model. Look it up.
100 North 6th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jay
2PM Forward Some Spam
Boss: I think there's something wrong with my computer! You better call the help desk.
Assistant: Sure, what's the problem?
Boss: Well, I logged into my computer this morning and I only have 5 emails.
Assistant: ...And you usually have more.
Boss: Yes, I have at least 50 each morning.
Assistant: The help desk can only fix your computer, not your popularity. Sorry.
1775 Broadway
New York, NY
10AM Reply to Email
Co-worker #1: Does she always send emails in 72 point font?
Co-worker #2: Oh, that's "mad" typing.
Co-worker #1: How should I respond to this?
Co-worker #3: You should reply using 86 point font.
Co-worker #2: They don't make 86 point font. I've tried it before. You should use 8 point font in Bernhard Fashion BT or some other font that's hard to read.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I'll do that. She won't be able to read it.
Co-worker #2: That'll really piss her off.
620 Greison Trail
Newnan, Georgia
12PM Get That Outlet Fixed
Tech: Is it working?
Co-worker #1: No, I'm only partially lit.
Co-worker #2: How many people does it take to get you fully lit?
Co-worker #3: 4. 2 to watch and 2 to do the lighting.
600 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: new jersey boy
4PM Order Covers
Co-worker on phone: Hi [Victor], I was just calling about the new nano covers. They are priced the same and everything but one comes with a little white strap and the other comes with a big black one...So it's just the customer's choice whether they want a big black one or a little white one?
432 St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Data Monkey
2PM New Intern Orientation
Supervisor: Isn't it just great how college kids today have such a mastery over electronics but not even the remotest grasp on the English language?
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
12PM Fix the Internet
Flunky #1: The internet is broken.
Flunky #2: What's wrong?
Flunky #1: I can't get to any sites.
3001 Broadway Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM Work on Database
Coder #1: I liked the fix you did on that bug.
Coder #2: When in doubt, just take away access from the user. It's a fascist approach, but I swear by it.
Coder #1: Right...
141 West 28th Street
New York, NY
4PM Call [Kwok]
Supervisor: Don't forget to call [Kwok]. He's got a couple of huge boxes and I think they're computers.
Admin: Which one is [Kwok]?
Supervisor: The short Asian guy.
Admin on phone: Hi [Kwok], it's [Jane]. I just wanted to let you know you have a huge package.
470 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Back Up Hard Drive
Student: Can you back up my papers and stuff?
Technician: Sure, how much is there?
Student: About four gigabytes...it's mostly porn but there are some papers mixed in there somewhere.
16 Petrarca Drive
Kent, Ohio
12PM Order New Server
Director: ...so, do you have any ideas why all these clips are showing up as being not on server?
Engineer: Ah, yes, it's a procurement error. We bought shit.
201 Wood Lane
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
2PM Liberate the Slaves
Co-worker: The network people are always sending around network interruption notices telling us that the system will be down Sunday from 10-2. Like I'm working then! Besides, this is like therapy for people with BlackBerries. Free yourselves, crackberry slaves!
50 Driveway
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Get Update from Programming
Developer #1: Ooh, a SOAP exception.
Developer #2: "SOAP exception, unable to shower."
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Forward FedEx to Kevin
Co-worker: Can you e-mail a hard copy of that file to me?
1420 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
12PM Update Site
Business Services Manager: I just sent you that logo in Word format.
Web Manager: Word isn't really an image format, but I can probably make it work.
Business Services Manager: Well, I probably have it in another format. I think I might have it as a Giraffe.
211 Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Get New Wireless Card
IT #1: Okay, I'll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they're only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can't [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It's all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who's around when you drop the soap...
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
2PM QA
Tester: Dude, did you see this? There's a button in the software that says "Fuck Off."
Designer: So?...That's a feature. Did you press it?
Tester: Yeah...it just went away.
Designer: And did it make you feel better?
Tester: Strangely, yeah. Yeah, it did.
Designer: See?
211 Van Buren Street
Nashville, Indiana
Overheard by: Scott
12PM Call My Best Friends: Maintenance
IT: Yeah, seems like your floor plate is damaged, you're going to have to clear your books so they can fix it.
Worker: "Books"? is that like cookies on your computer?
IT: ...
4 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: KaotiXX
10AM Install New Browsers
Employee #1: You don't like Safari?
Employee #2: No, man, all those popups...
Employee #1: Popups are great. Firefox is douche.
42-22 22nd Street
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: Aaron
3PM Coffee Break
Engineer: Man, I can't write code today. Someone must have stole my
talent.
Manager: That would be petty theft.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
11AM Order Staples from OfficeMax
Help desk #1: The staplers are hopelessly broken this time.
Help desk #2: We spend all our time fixing the staplers. Perhaps hwe should just call ourselves Stapler User Services instead of Computer User Services.
3203 SE Woodstock Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
2PM Schedule Beginner MSOffice Classes
Purchasing: Hey, can we print from Word?
Marketing: Ah...What?
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Programming Update
Engineer #1: You don't understand...the program's got unresolved
symbols that won't work.
Engineer#2: Yeah, I got 2 unresolved symbols for you right here.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
4PM Systems Upgrade Pitch
Engineer: It's probably a computer that likes to see abstract choices.
Translated from the Dutch.
10 Wissenstraat
9200 Dendermonde
Belgium
Overheard by: Bart Verhofstadt
12PM Handle Customer Complaints
CSR: Ma'am, my system is backed up and my computer is going down on me.
300 Rosewood Drive
Danvers, Massachusetts
4PM Software Upgrade Project...Kill Me Now
Manager: Since most of these are not used, let's go through and upgrade those first, then we'll see what's left.
Programmer: If they're not used, we don't need to upgrade them, right?
Manager: Right, but we need to figure out which ones are used.
Programmer: Can't we figure that out by eliminating the ones that aren't used without upgrading them?
Manager: No, we need to upgrade the obsolete programs first.
580 Walnut Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Reboot Registers
Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: So this guy calls for [Kyle]...I give him the voice mail. I knew the next ring would be him...he calls back. "I'm trying to get ahold of [Kyle] and I keep getting an answer machine."...Gah!...That's what happens when we pay 10K for a phone
system so people get their messages. So then the prick is like, "So is he there or isn't he?" And so I'm like, "Yes sir, I realize
that you keep getting his voicemail. He is with a client, and all
messages go straight to our agents via voicemail." And he's like,
"Well, I don't want to leave a damn message, you tell [him and
his wife] they just lost out on a sale! I guess they're too busy
for me!" So then I'm all kiss-ass and like, "Well, I'm sorry sir, they are both with clients at the moment. We are a busy office. Would you like me to take a message?" And then he tells me, "No, just never mind and it's their loss." I hate stupid people.
Assistant: Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for
anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push
them down a flight of stairs.
M-28 East
Munising, Michigan
2PM Meet with Developers
Developer #1: It's obvious the code will work. You've coded, you can see it will work. You can see it will work, unless you're stupid.
Developer #2: You're not stupid, are you?
501 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: fmm
9AM Darkest Before the Dawn
Boss: We will be taken off the internet. It is slowing down productivity.
5 minutes pass.
Worker #1: ...What will I do all day?
Worker #2: Work.
Worker #1: Ha, ha! Whatever.
3275 Steinway Street
Astoria, New York
4PM Call Repairman--again
Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Update Budgets
Head of IT: Can we get those new computers?
CFO: Sorry, it's not in the budget this year.
He walks over to the calendar.
CFO: Hey, isn't this last year's calendar? When are you going to put up the correct one?
IT Drone: Sorry, a new calendar isn't in the budget this year.
75 South Church Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Joe
12PM Prepare Reports
Co-worker #1: You know that copier sorts on its own...
Co-worker #2: I know, I just like to press buttons.
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
10AM Check E-mail
Project Manager: I can only imagine what has been coming in my box...My email box.
1137 North 26th Street
Sheboygan, Wisconsion
Overheard by: Chris O'Brien
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
12PM QA
Co-worker #1: "...And so, if you're still working on the website, I just discovered a serious error using a Mac."...Who cares?
Co-worker #2: Seriously, you should write back and say, "Dude, why are you even using a Mac?"
111 West Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
10AM Company Reorientation
Vice Principal: Hey there, did you get my email?
Teacher: No, I didn't...
Vice Principal: Wow, and I sent it to both [Ed Hildick]s so you'd be sure to get it.
Teacher: Yeah...but my name is [Jeff].
901 Locust Street
Herndon, Virginia
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
11AM Process Orders for 10 New Monitors (?)
Computer Technician: Wow, it's amazing what kind of difference a couple of inches can make...Have you seen [Ben]'s?
The other technicians burst out laughing.
Computer Technican: I meant his new 19" monitor. Grow up.
1035 64th Avenue SE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Man the network is moving slow today.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's like watching a quadriplegic crawl.
Office: ...
3721 West 65th South
Idaho Falls, Idaho
12PM Conference Call
Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don't, but I'm sure [Sarah] can show you.
W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Dude
12PM Kevin Requested New Monitor--Follow Up
CSR: I just took a look at the survey and noticed that at the very beginning it says "this survey is design". Shouldn't that say
"designed"?
IT: Probably...I cut and pasted.
CSR: Can it be changed?
IT: No, I etched that survey directly into your screen. To change it we would have to buy you a new monitor.
1 Woodland Hill Drive
Babson Park, Massachusetts
4PM Release Due
QA: That enhancement doesn't work, you need to fix it.
Dev: I guess it won't be in the patch, then.
QA: I didn't spend all that time testing and documenting it, we need to release it.
Dev: I'm not going to fix it now.
QA: You just said it was going to be in the patch, now you are saying it's not going to be fixed in this patch but it is in the patch.
Dev: Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me.
16388 Westwoods Business Park
Ellisville, Missouri
Overheard by: Marc Brooks
2PM Don't Check Email
Computer jockey: What is fisting? And what do you think it means when a man is emailing you pictures of naked boys?
25 West 4th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Tech: I am a guacamole of knowledge into which you may dip the nacho of need.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Conference Call
Colleague on phone: We'll just have to go down there and gang bang those sites.
Silence.
3699 West Lathrop Street
South Bend, Indiana
10AM Communications Workshop
Manager: ...because sometimes we get communications via electronic sending, sometimes through the telephone system.
650 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Jeff Anderson
12PM Order E-mail for Dummies
General Manager: I have an email problem, I need you to answer a question...Do I have to use all lowercase Ls here? Can't I use 1s? They look like 1s.
IT: No! You have to use Ls! That is how e-mail works! It's an address that you have to get right!
General Manager: It's hard to tell if it is an L or a 1.
IT: Well yes, but from context clues, the email says, "Little Girl."
General Manager: Well you know what they say about assuming. Makes an ass...you...me.
13601 FM 529 Road
Houston, Texas
10AM Excel Class
Assistant: I spent 8 hours of overtime this weekend retyping the spreadsheet for the tax assessor.
Co-worker: They didn't like the arrangement of the spreadsheet so you had to redo it? What do you mean "redo", did you retype everything?
Assistant: Yes, most of it, some I cut and pasted/
Co-worker: Do you know how to use Data Sort?
Assistant: Excel can't do a numerical sort, only alphabetical, and they didn't want that, so I retyped everything.
10 2nd Street NE
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: sweetwhitelady
4PM On That Note, It's the Weekend
Co-worker #1: What is a good exercise for the lower abs?
Co-worker #2: Well, I can think of one exercise that's really good for the abs...
Co-worker #3: yeah, but only if he can last longer than 5 minutes.
The copy repairman pops out from under the copier.
Repairman: Well ladies, it's been an entertaining afternoon.
8565 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway
Portland, Oregon
11AM Install Yahoo!
Boss: Do we have Google installed on our internet?
IT guy: We put it on your machine yesterday.
700 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Cancel New Headset Order
Employee: My headset for my phone doesn't work. Can I have a new one?
Supervisor: Let me see that. Oh...you see what's wrong? Sometimes the data can get caught in the phone line...so just straighten the cord. That makes the voice data come through more quickly and it won't get all caught up.
11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska
2PM Douche Presentation
Client: May I ask you a question?
Patent Agent: Uh, sure.
Client: I'd like your opinion on my [douche] invention as an engineer and as a woman.
508 Riverbend Drive
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Call IT
Guy: Why the hell is my computer running so slow?...Ah! here it is: "System Idle Process" is taking up 98% of my CPU...fucking Microsoft...
1701 North Street
Endicott, New York
10AM Backup Hard Drive
Employee: Computer is just a fancy word for "solitaire machine."
10 Brookline Place
Brookline, Massachusetts
12PM Dry Out Printer
Co-worker #1: How do I make this print faster?
Co-worker #2: Put water on it.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Selaf Nek
2PM Confirm Arrival Time for Ambassadors
Woman: So I had sex with the older guy.
Man: What? When was that?
Woman: Like a couple weeks ago.
Man: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You didn't even text me...you know, I e-mail you all my sex.
United Nations
New York, NY
11AM Outlook Training
Secretary: What does it do when it archeeves my email?
Boss: Are you serious?
Secretary: I mean, where does it go after it's done archeeving?
Boss: Oh god.
5353 McCurry Road
Roscoe, Illinois
9AM It's Too Early for This
Woman: There's something wrong with my computer. There are satellites
and things floating around! Why did you work on my computer? I thought you were done. I have to get my work done! Do you know what you are doing! Fix it!
IT gal: Okay, let me see. I did not work on your system today, let me
look.
Mouse click.
IT gal: ...It's the screensaver.
4411 Beacon Circle
West Palm Beach, Florida
2PM File Claims
Department Manager: How do we file a claim?
Insurance Rep: Just download a claim form and fax it to us with your bill from the doctor.
Department Manager: Do we have to fax the original bill or can we just fax a copy?
Insurance Rep: Um...yes, it's a fax.
3900 West Avera Drive
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Overheard by: AllGladHere
2PM Data Management
Co-worker #1: I'm not sure that's right, though. I pulled it out of my database.
Co-worker #2: Is that what you call your ass, sir, a database?
2000 Navy Pentagon
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Salted Fish
12PM Clean Out Inbox
Employee #1: Shit!
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: I told you how I had eleven thousand spam messages in my other email address?
Employee #2: No, I didn't knew that.
Employee #1: So I did as [Filippo] said, I grabbed them from within Yahoo! mail, figuring out it would throw the spam away automatically.
Employee #2: Really.
Employee #1: Apparently it doesn't do that for another email account. Shit. Now I screwed my Yahoo! mail too. I can't believe it. I'll have to manually check eleven thousand messages as spam on this precious address. I am going to kill myself.
Employee #2: Wait, you have to read eleven thousand messages? Who send you that?
Translated from the Italian.
Viale Bianca Maria 6
Milan, Italy
9AM It's Going to Be a Long Week--Again
Tech guy: It will take Zeus and all his pissed off gods going in and throwing all sorts of thunderbolts to straighten this out.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
4PM Finish Layout
Designer: Hey, look, I'm finished with Page 2, now all I need are your lottery numbers.
EA: The numbers aren't in yet...It's going to be another 40 minutes before they come in.
Designer: Well, can't you just forecast what the numbers will be?
200 E. Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
4PM Order Cartridges, Paper
Big Shot: Well, damn, the printer really is low on toner. I'm not gonna strain my eyes to read this junk. Now I have to reprint the whole document. Guess that's my reward for trying to take work home over the weekend!
Peon: So, do you want me to recycle the faded pages?
Big Shot: What? No, just toss it.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
4PM Pick Up New Laptop
Manager: I'm going to be turning in my old laptop for a new one. I want to get another IBM, one of the ultralight ones.
Techie: We're not leasing IBMs anymore. We're currently leasing HPs and Dells.
Manager: I don't like the HPs and I really want an IBM. How can I get one?
Techie: Well...you would need to provide us with a medical reason and a doctor's note.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
2PM Call Tech Support
Admin: So at home I have the CD writer installed but it's just not working--
IT guy: Okay, you're all fixed up...and good luck with your burning problem.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sandy
1PM Lunch
Man on street: Seriously, if I make one wrong keystroke, the whole company could go out of business.
corner of 2nd & Howard
San Francisco, California
4PM I'm Going Home
Co-worker: Ugh...
Manager: What's the matter?
Co-worker: Nothing, I just couldn't see the screen.
Manager: Oh. Was everything flesh colored and blurry? That's from putting your hand in front of your face.
1390 Timberlake Manor Parkway
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Durp
12PM Call Tech Support
Tech Support Technician: Okay...go ahead and open up the internet.
777 S. Figueroa Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Development Meeting
Developer: We need to determine the different between how the HTML team views 10 pixels as opposed to how web experience is viewing 10 pixels.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
2PM Work on Programming
Software Engineer: I'll like, you know, just pseudocode out this part in the design.
8614 Westwood Center Drive
Vienna, Virginia
8AM TGIF
Girl #1: Good Morning! Did I get set up in SAP yesterday while I was out?
Girl #2: Uh! So was I.
Girl #1: Did you call the help desk yesterday?
909 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
12PM Tech Support
Suit: Why hasn't this customer's problem been fixed yet?
Tech Guy: Because I'm the only person supporting this product; I'm really backlogged here. Every time I close one log I open four more. We don't have enough people here to keep up.
Suit: Oh...well keep up the good work.
500 Lafayette Road
Hampton, New Hampshire
9AM Log On, Check Email
Co-worker on phone: ...So if that wasn't enough, she signs the email
"LOL". Now you can't tell me that wasn't completely obnoxious...Yeah. Lots of luck...Oh. But, still...
1236 Shannon Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Check E-mail!!!
Guy: Dude, that's stupid. That attachment went out to like the whole office, you totally can't do that...Yeah, the girl was pretty hot, though.
915 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Get New Budgets
Boss: Do you receive that on paper or Excel spreadsheet?
Employee: I receive it on electronical format.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Sam
1PM Pick Up Facsimiles
Co-worker on phone: I will send it V. I. A. fax.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
6PM You're There for Yourself, Not the PC
Guy #1: eHarmony. Maybe I should try that.
Guy #2: You'd have to know how to log on to a computer first.
190 N. Main Street
Roanoke, Indiana
11AM Star Jones Isn't Pulling Her Weight (No Pun)
Queen: I tell you what you do. You put her computer inside a Krispy Kreme box, maybe then she'll get some work done.
142 Greene Street
New York, NY
9AM I Knew It I Knew It I Knew It
Systems Engineer: How long will it take for you to implement [the customer]'s changes?
Engineer: About two-three weeks. So four weeks.
Systems Engineer: Good. And how long will it take you to make your changes?
Intern: Well, I already did it, and it took an hour.
Systems Engineer: Okay, I'll tell them five weeks total.
1440 N. Fiesta Boulevard
Gilbert, Arizona
9AM Don't Put Him to Sleep Until After the Raise
Employee: Why can't you just install that for me?
Supervisor: Because I'm not going to spend an hour out of my day installing this on your crappy computer only to find out that it still doesn't work and end up spending even more of my precious time trying to fix something that isn't fixable and wind up making my life hell by hearing you bitch about this all the time. Only to make you happy.
Employee: So, is that a no?
Supervisor: You're damn right it is.
Employee: Well, then can I just get a new computer so I won't have this problem?
Supervisor: Fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Employee: Can I get a raise?
Supervisor: Don't push it.
Employee: I think you need to take a nap.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM Is That a BlackBerry in Your Pocket?
Employee: Is that you vibrating?
Supervisor: Yeah, I'm happy to see you.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Maybe Those Are Actually the Choices Down in Oz
Boss: Can you help me with this Word document? I want to change it so that the layout is horizontal instead of vertical.
Secretary: Okay, go into File, then Page Setup.
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: You see where it says "Page Source"?
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: Okay. Now you see where it says "Orientation"? Make your choice.
Boss: Gay or straight?
525 Collins Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Captain Pants
5PM Don't Ask Him Why His Cell is Off
User: If you don't turn my cell phone back on today, I'll tell the families of my patients and their lawyers that you are responsible for the patient's death, because I couldn't be reached!
Call center operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician...
310 W. Bakerview Road
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Josh Sinnett
5AM Better Call in the Philosophers
IT Worker #1: Hey, the system is down.
IT Worker #2: ...The whole thing?
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
9AM He Can't Even Handle the "In" Part
Co-worker #1: We just had a premature install.
Co-worker #2: I hear lots of guys have that problem. Hell, [Alex] can't even finish an install.
26 Century Boulevard
Nashville, Tennessee
5AM I Smell a .sig File Coming
Techie: You know you've been working in a computer store for too long when you go to throw out a piece of paper in the trash and are like, "I'm gonna delete this now!"
119 West 23rd Street
New York, NY
4PM I Thought Post-its Were the Sticky Notes
Word Processor: Critical Notes are great. They just pop right up and come in your face!
120 Wall Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Chaser0
4PM Why You Should Never Engage Management
Cube dweller: Wow, look what I learned today!
Senior VP: What?
Cube dweller: I made a pulldown list in Excel!
Senior VP: So you have a lot of free time?...If you have free time, you need to see me right away. I told you I have projects for you.
101 California Street
San Francisco, California
12AM The Wonders of Turning on Your Monitor
Co-worker #1: I just got a brand new internet!
Co-worker #2: A new internet? Is that possible?
Co-worker #1: Yeah! Looks totally different!
8100 Tyler Boulevard
Mentor, Ohio
Overheard by: Dana
12AM Technically, He's for Affirmative Action
Manager: It's just that I don't want any of those old, white computers. The only good ones are black nowadays.
Engineer: That sounds pretty racist...
Manager: Well, I don't care.
41000 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
Overheard by: Stefan Bankowski
7PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Home, Everyone
Folks in our little cube farm were shutting things down to leave for the weekend, when a loud voice rose from one of the cubes: Just once I wish Microsoft Outlook would wait while I shut down!
1256 Porter Avenue
Bristol, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michael Leatherbury
12AM "I'd look it up, but I'm too lazy."
Co-worker #1: So they made me change my password. The old one was really cool. "Sloth," you know, like the animal.
Co-worker #2: There's no such animal as a sloth. I think sloth is supposed to be like a sin or something.
1697 Broadway
New York, NY
6AM We're Not As Stupid As You IT A-holes Think...
IT guy: Do you have a license to install Photoshop?
Employee: You need a license?
IT guy: Yeah.
Employee: It's not that hard to install, you just double click on the icon.
IT guy: You don't understand.
Employee: Yeah I do, I'm just fucking with you. Jokes are funny.
2 W. 2nd Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
12PM "Yeah, I heard your e-mail."
Boss: You close that deal yet?
Sales guy: No, but I just got a verbal faxed.
60 Main Street
Waltham, Massachusetts
12AM Here I Thought Retrosexual Meant Bettie Page
Engineer #1: ASCII porn?
Engineer #2: Yeah, it's sweet.
1 Federal Street
Camden, New Jersey
12AM Surely He Means The Da Vinci
Marketing exec: If we didn't have to spend so much time telling you our requirements, you could be done with the code already!
228 East 86th Street
New York, NY
1PM Spending, Wasting: Same Difference
Marketing guy: I don't want you IT guys wasting a lot of time figuring out what's wrong before you fix it!
228 East 86th Street
New York, NY
1PM Only If You're A Cosby
Tester: Maybe LA can also help test sound for me.
Co-worker: ...and update my test suites...and knit me sweaters.
Tester: Now that's not exactly company related.
Co-worker: Sweaters are great company.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
6AM There Goes the Whole Function of Language
Businesslady: Where the hell is my charger, did I leave it at the office? I thought I put it in, but...Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk to myself.
TSA lady: Well, that's OK, Sugar. Sometimes we have to talk to ourselves because we're the only ones who can understand.
Sky Harbor Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM That Bright Light Being the Weekend, Folks!
Co-worker: That's a great idea, get a robot to sell drugs so you don't have to. That way, when the cops bust your robot, you don't get in trouble, just your robot. Just think, there's so many criminal activities you could automate, like robotic prostitutes. Until now I had thought our future was dark and grim, but how I'm seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM Hitting F5 at The Washington Post
Boss: How's your work coming along?
Employee: Umm, well 98% of the time I don't do anything but refresh my email...but that's going well.
1150 15th Street
Washington, DC
12AM Yes, But They Go Left to Right
Drone #1: This is one thing I didn't miss last week.
Drone #2: What? Elevators?
Drone #1: Yeah.
Drone #3: Don't they have them in West Virginia?
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
12AM Yeah, But No Competitors Had It Then
Dev: But I have wanted tabbed browsing for seven fucking years!
One Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
4PM That's Why We Have Weekends, Folks
Principal: I don't want the upgrade if it means I have to learn something new. I don't ever want to have to learn anything new.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
6AM Thank God for LifeAlert
Announcement: We are currently experiencing a telephone outage. For
emergencies and medical conditions, please call [498-8565].
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12AM That's Depends on Where in Europe She's From
Visiting European account manager: Oh, you have a new cell! I guess it was time to get a new one?
Chinese Project Manager: Yes, this morning I come to work and I am robbed by bandits. So, I have to get a new cell phone.
Visiting European account manager: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha...ha...Heh. Oh. Oh dear. Are you ok?
Chinese Project Manager (in Chinese): Is she drunk?
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
Overheard by: Adam White
12PM 10877 Watson Road's Greatest Hits, Vol. II
Co-worker: If saliva was poison, she'd be a snake, right?
Man: Is that really your inbox, or is it some kind of joke?
Man: I'll go punch a bunch of buttons. If that doesn't work, I'll unplug it.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
6AM That's Quite a Cyberporn Collection
Manager: There is something on the drive that is taking up 5 gig of space.
Employee: What's taking it up?
Manager: I don't know.
Employee: Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
Manager: What?
777 West Putnam Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: Ballsalamode
6PM Have a Great Lazy Weekend, Everyone
Answering machine: You have more than one hundred saved messages.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Yo
12AM Stupidity is an International Language
Dell Support operator: OK, sir, now I'm going to need you to insert your System CD. Do you have that handy?
Irish customer: Is dat dis Pentanium ting?
The other listeners on conference laugh.
Dell Support operator: Excuse me, sir, there's a lot of background noise. I'm just going to turn off the other microphones.
--As a novel approach to caller boredom while waiting for a techSupp droid to become free, Dell have instituted a situation where callers get to listen in while said droid deals with the calls ahead of one in the queue.
So the overhearing was actually pretty widely geographically
distributed, between:
The charmin' Irish Callcentre colleen, who was wherever in Ireland Dell have their support centre;
Her interlocutor, who by his accent was also in that country;
The various other listeners-in, who might have been anywhere in
Europe;
Me, at Long Lane, Newbury, England.
Overheard by: CDWriter
12PM I'm Partial to the Hysterical Praying
In a crowded elevator, everyone is quiet except for the clunking of the elevator.
Employee: That was a new sound.
Manager: My favorite is the screaming.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
12AM Apparently It's Our Editor Who's the Idiot
Guy #1: I saw a grammatical error on overheardintheoffice.com, but I was too lazy to email them and point it out.
Guy #2: You are an idiot.
1st Street & Ninth Avenue
Charlestown, Massachusetts
6PM Yeah, We're Two Weeks Behind
Girl: Yeah, I'm trying to apply for chemical engineering, but when I go to fill out the online application, it says that it's closed, but then it says that the deadline isn't until March 1st!
Student worker: It's April...
Clueless co-ed: But..oh...wait...January...February...March...Oh! Oh, so, like, March is before April?
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: m.kyti
4PM No Time to Listen; I've Got Talking to Do
Guy: My computer keeps freezing.
Girl: It's not freezing, it's hot in here.
135 E. 57th Street
New York, NY
8AM The Email Never Came
Girl tech: We are blocking emails to our customers with the word disbursement in it because of "semen".
Head tech dude: Semen?
Guy tech #1: Are you sure semen isn't somewhere else?
Guy tech #2: Semen? Like the nasty stuff?
Head tech dude: We'll have to adjust the filter, we are blocking reimbursement too.
Girl tech: Jeez, this blocking could cause all sorts of problems.
9001 Shelbyville Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Andy Goss
12AM Welcome to the '90s
Employee #1: I always thought it was pronounced "fass-mile". What is it?
Employee #2: Facsimile. It's a fax.
Employee #1: Oh, I've never heard it called that before.
50 Oak Court
Danville, California
12PM He's Like Green Lantern, Except His Weakness is Literacy
Agent: How do I reset the copier?
Assistant: Press the Reset button.
Agent: Which one is the Reset button?
Assistant: The big yellow one labeled "Reset".
Agent: Oh.
16501 Ventura Boulevard
Encino, California
8AM The A is for A-hole
Producer: Hey Nick, let's hook this up ASPA.
355 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
4PM Took Some AD&D Books While I Was There Too
IT guy: So my coworker gave you your fixed laptop back?
Finance guy: Yeah. Well, really, I looked into his office and saw it sitting on a desk, and I ducked in and took it. So, you know, same thing.
2000 Spring Road
Oak Brook, Illinois
Overheard by: George L.
4PM If You Have to Ask, You'll Never Know
Guy #1: What's "RedHat"?
Guy #2: That's Linux.
Guy #1: The operating system?
Guy #2: Yeah, it's just another name for it.
Guy #1: Like "Firefox"?
244 Wood Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
4PM Happy World Water Day!
Coworker #1: What's with the Google logo today?
Coworker #2: It's probably supposed to be symbolic of Terry Schiavo dehydrating or something.
1001 W. Cypress Creek Road
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8AM Remember: Theory and Then Practice
Boss: So when I format the hard drive, it erases the operating system too?
Worker: Yes.
Boss: Oh...
3937 Ivywood Lane
Pueblo, Colorado
12PM Insert Disk Into Drive
Guy with monitor: You need anything else moved into your office?
Other guy: No, but you're my IT bitch so I'll call you when I need something.
525 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Does It Come With a Buzz?
Building Engineer: A freon leak won't kill you. It'll just asphyxiate you a little.
2100 Second Street, SW
Washington, DC
12PM I Know a Guy in NC Who Could Un-shit the Situation
Manager: Aw, did you bleed on my computer?
Tech: No, but a bird shit on it.
50 Vision Blvd
East Providence, Rhode Island
12PM The Tech Guy: So Bright, and So Bitter
Office guy: Hey [Scott]! My laptop screen is off.
Tech: It helps if you push this button.
As the tech walks past my desk I hear him saying: Great, another fucking genius!
440 Wheelers Farm Road
Milford, Connecticut
7AM He's the Elf Who Powers Your Magic Phone
Law office secretary: ...and who the hell is this MOTO person anyway?
2345 Grand Boulevard
Kansas City, Missouri
7AM Excellence: A Commitment to Constant Improvement
Tech Lead: Our requirements are in terms of bells and whistles at this point, not actual business functionality.
1370 Timberlake Manor Parkway
Chesterfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Jonathan Willis
12PM Marketing: Speaking Your Customers' Language
White guy: ...it's just off the hook indeed.
120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12AM Oh, What a Tangled Website We Weave
Law Firm Partner: How do you log on to our website?
Secretary: We don't have a website.
Law Firm Partner: Can make one up real quick? There's a girl who's trying to sell us a website and I told her we already have one.
329 18th Street
Rock Island, Illinois
12AM Maybe A Drug Supplier Would Help
Senior Partner: How come my computer's not working?
Techie: It seems your hard drive crashed.
Senior Partner: That's not possible; I don't visit porn sites or any drug suppliers.
527 E. 78th Street
New York, NY
12AM If You Fire Them You're Not Their Boss, By Definition
In respose to several of our wholesale customers reporting strong on-line sales in December; Boss: We do all the work and they make all the money? We have a website too and it's time we started reminding these people of that! We need to be making a hell of a lot more money areound here than we are now. Time to start firing a few of these so-called "Top Customers". That'll fucking show 'em who's boss!
800 Boylston Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM That's Just What Every Office Needs
Girl DJ: That's just what this office needs: more video gambling!
2514 S. College Street
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: Brooke Myers
8AM "Good question! Let's call and find out...hold on, I'm getting a call."
Bossman: I think I'm going to switch my cell phone company. It looks like I can save some money with AT&T. I just want to make sure I can keep my number.
Co-worker: What if someone using AT&T already has the same number?
4156 Freedom Way
Weirton, West Virginia
12PM If You Mention a Gadget, It's Not Vulgarity
Fattie: I swear to Christ, I'm gonna shove that Blackberry up your ass if you bring it to another sales meeting.
1100 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Steven Grafing
