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9AM She Drinks to Forget
Female student #1: I dunno -- maybe I should give up drinking.
Female student #2: That's never a good idea.
Female student #1: It's just that I'm older, y'know? The drinking scene is so played...
Male student, joining them minutes later: So, what are you guys doing this weekend?
Female student #1: Getting fucking hammered.
Female student #2: What happened to giving up drinking?
Female student #1: Oh, please, that was so two minutes ago.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: the iPod was just a front
4PM I'm Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri
Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.
Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: shaking my head
1PM Mama Was Later Arrested for Adulterating Cocktails
Lady: I'd like a Bahama Mama.
Waitress: Alright.
Lady: And make sure to tell the bartender that I'd like it with extra Mama.
Waitress: No problem, ma'am. A Bahama Mama with extra Mama. I'll tell him.
Lansdale, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: fed up
9AM But I've Significantly Cut Back on the Nicotine Gum
Jittery editor, using nicotine inhaler: This thing is great. It really works.
Reporter: How long has it been since your last cigarette?
Jittery editor: Oh, I'm still smoking, too.
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM How You Know You're Not Giving Your Underlings Enough Work
20-something coworker on phone: You know, if you spray keyboard duster in your ear, it gives you a mega head rush.
745 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Say What?
4PM Well Ms. Lohan Can Afford It
Suit, about lady smoking crack on stoop: Isn't she a little dressed up for a crackwhore?
3008 Lincoln Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Not smoking any
2PM A Taser? Sweet!
Lawyer, offering cigarette: Need one?
Non-smoking secretary: I'm gonna need something a lot stronger to deal with you today!
Lawyer, exiting door to smoke: Top, right desk drawer in my office.
Law office
Indiana
3PM Try to Catch Me after My Mid-Morning Speed Break
Peon: Hey, can you help me with something?
Frazzled coworker: Honestly, I'm too wasted right now.
84th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: sagehen
4PM My Secret? Vodka Oreos.
Manager: Did you see the game last night?
Coordinator: I was drunk. [Takes bite of Oreo.]
Manager: Huh?
Coordinator: Yeah, I'm drunk every day. S'matter of fact, I'm drunk right now!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Questions?
Manager: ... And that's why junkies are attractive.
1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Django
10AM What's the Upside Here?
Chick on cell, going to see her dad at work: Not shaving my legs is my chastity belt -- now I can get drunk and not be a slut.
Main Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by:
2PM At Least, I Think That's What It Was
Suit #1: I think my memory has improved since I started taking those Ginkgo biloba tablets.
Suit #2: Really? I bought a bottle of those, like, two months ago, but I don't remember where I put it.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM That's How We Write These Headlines
Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.
East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
2PM My Tumor's Gestating Nicely, Though
Worker bee to another: ... So she said it was fine that she's smoking a pack a day while she's pregnant. She doesn't mind if the baby comes out a little small.
Another worker, from across the room: I've been smoking since I was 16, and my baby still isn't born!
Chesterfield, Missouri
Overheard by: my mom smoked with me too...
9AM It's My Hangover Cure
Grunt #1: Is that a wine bottle in the front seat of your car?
Grunt #2: Yes. I like to drink on my way to work.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
5PM Just Testing the Waters
Boss: We should become alcoholics. That would make work so much easier.
Employee: That bottle of Bailey's in my filing cabinet only lasted me a week and a half.
Boss: You had Bailey's?
Employee: Ummm, no.
Lake Shore Drive
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Billable Hours of Sweet Oblivion
Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It's only 3:30.
Attorney: 'Cause I like to drink.
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Staja
12PM You're Not at High Times Anymore, Toto
Managing editor, on drug screening: We even test the interns. I was shocked by that. I thought everyone just assumed they were stoned all the time.
Newspaper office
Ohio
Overheard by: I didn't get the job
12PM Been Feeling a Bit Queer All Day
English coworker: I'm just going outside to suck on a fag.
Irvine, California
Overheard by: James
10AM You Know How Many Drinks $10,000 Will Buy?
Lady peon: My husband's doctor told him that his liver is so bad that he has to quit drinking, so I'm going to quit with him. [Later] I can't wait to have a couple beers tonight.
Confused coworker: I thought you said you were going to quit drinking with your husband!
Lady peon: Well, a few drinks won't hurt him.
Columbiana, Ohio
Overheard by: ChatsMcGee
9AM Explains How Full House Stayed on the Air for So Long
Coworker #1: Did you watch The Office last night?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I was pretty high, so I don't remember if the parts that I thought were funny actually happened.
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Bunny
2PM I Told Them They Needed to Get at Least Four More or They'd Be Fired
Chick on cell: So, I'm clearing room in the back for more stock, and those fuckers have a case of beer back there...
Mall
Burnaby, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Christmas shopper wanted to know what store she works at...
10AM The Only Way He Can Be Watched
Busser: I'm working for Bob* tonight.
Manager #1: You smell like pot, man. You're not working.
Manager #2: It's three in the afternoon. What time did you get high?
Busser: When's Maury on?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Lady peon #1: I just got out of de-tox ...
Lady peon #2: Oh, yeah? Which one this time?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Chuck
1PM Or Sticking It Up Your Nose
Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn't work, try licking it.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM But I Think We've Tapped into a Potential Goldmine
Chick #1: Did you know that they're making Coke kosher for Passover?
Chick #2: [Blank stare.]
Chick #1: They're putting sugar in it.
Chick #2: [Continues to stare.]
Chick #1: Normally, it has corn syrup in it.
Chick #2: ... Oh! The soda!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mardi
4PM We're in a Roaring Metal Tube Full of Idiots -- It Couldn't Hurt
Flight attendant #1: I used to get high before studying for tests. Did you ever try it?
Flight attendant #2: No, no, I never did that.
Flight attendant #1: It really works... Hey, did you study the new rules for flights shorter than two hours? Lots of information.
Flight attendant #2: Are you high right now?
Flight attendant #1: ... Why do you ask?
United flight
Nebraska
Overheard by: Ken
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM Been Carrying It Since Last Tango in Paris
Guy: Man, having cigarettes without a lighter is like having peanuts without the jelly!
Lady: Don't you mean butter?
Guy: Oh, no. I got the butter.
1450 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: smoking some distance away
10AM Meet the Inventors of Sudokucaine
Coworker #1: I remember trying heroin once. It was the only time I managed to beat my aunt at Scrabble.
Coworker #2: Dude, that's like doing coke and kicking back with a puzzle!
600 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
9AM And I've Got a Runny Coke-Sniffer
Intern to friend: My dancing-on-the-bar muscles hurt!
Elevator
New York
12PM What Happens When You Add Silicone to Your Diet
Employee #1: So, I've been taking them for about a month now.
Employee #2: Yeah?
Employee #1: I don't feel bigger. Definitely... rounder... and harder, but not bigger.
Elk Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Nick Danger
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar
10AM I've Never Felt So Free -- or So Brittle
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina...
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
12PM God, I Miss Elementary School
Woman: I don't know if I remember that movie. When did it come out?
Man: Sometime in the '70s, I think.
Woman: Oh. I definitely wasn't sober then.
Nevada
10AM Which I Have to Drink to Forget
Female clerk: When I get that drunk I always end up stealing something or get something stolen from me.
Male clerk: Maybe you shouldn't get so drunk.
Female clerk: I wouldn't, but I can't afford good coke with this shit job.
Oslo
Norway
11AM Soon I'll Be Able to Afford New Friends
Dude: All my meth addict friends are like, 'That's so cool. You have a job.'
Portland, Oregon
5PM Now Where's That Airplane Glue?
Girl: Oooh, I feel dizzy.
Coworker: Why?
Girl: This marker, I think.
Coworker: What about it?
Girl: Well, it says 'scented,' but when I smelled it it gave me a headache.
Coworker: That says fluorescent, as in it's a highlighter.
Girl: It says scented.
Coworker: Fluorescent means 'brightly colored,' it doesn't mean 'smell me.'
Girl, muttering: Well, I wouldn't smell it again anyway because it didn't smell very good.
38 Exchange Street
New Hampshire
Overheard by: Crystal
12PM My Secret? I Keep a Bottle of Everclear in the Supply Room
Suit #1: Dude, that guy is falling over drunk in the middle of the day!
Suit #2: Lucky bastard.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jealous too
2PM Okay... Well, Parole Denied, Then
Office grunt: Now, just so you understand -- I'm no stranger to drugs.
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: where's the good stuff
12PM And Sober Now, Thank God
Peon: I've seen her before at bars, but now she's just different... She's more cold now.
Intern: It's just sobriety. It changes people.
Peon: Good point. Wait, aren't you, like, 19?
Intern, offended: I'm 20.
F Street
Washington, DC
11AM No, Nothing Work-Related
Manager #1: Shit! I can't remember what I wanted to ask Al*...
Manager #2: If he's gay? If he's doing coke?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM They Don't Tell Me What They're Storing, and I Don't Ask
Deputy: That guy told the judge that the crack they found up his ass wasn't his.
Police station
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: more information than anyone needed
2PM The Wrong Sort of Angel
Radio: 'So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse...'
Construction guy: That's me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Hey, Why Do You Have All the Dry-Erase Markers?
Frazzled coworker: I need to order some aromatherapy stuff for my desk. Deadline days would go much smoother if I was a huffer.
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM Needless to Say, That's the Last Time I'll Try Peyote
Lady to coworker: It talked like a pig, so I could understand it. And there was a one-eyed llama with its ear hanging down, and a buck that'd been shot in the shoulder. Those were all real animals, but it was the cartoon shark that bit me.
1st Avenue
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
10AM America's Secret Weapon in the Global Marketplace
Tech: Are you planning on pressure washing the entire space?
Boss: Yeah, baby!
Tech: That's gonna take you a week! You coming in this weekend or something?
Boss: Yeah... But I'm gonna be high.
6th Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Tomcat
9AM (Sob!) All Right, I Admit It, He's Columbian!
Hispanic lady: My husband just called to let me know that he's cooking dinner for me tonight -- it'll be ready when I get home.
Black guy: That's bullshit. He's just full of Budweiser, wantin' you to come home and all.
Hispanic lady: My husband don't drink no more!
Black guy: Bullshit!
Hispanic lady: No, really! He stopped drinking and smoking 10 years ago!
Black guy: Well, if he don't drink then he ain't no Mexican. That's all they do!
Houston, Texas
5PM I Can't Wait Until It's Over the Counter!
Woman #1: I haven't been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what's really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, 'weed'!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
1PM No Police Tape This Time?
Boss: So, how was everybody's weekend?
Mother of the year, proudly: I got so drunk at my daughter's sixth birthday party that I passed out on the couch at three p.m. I think my husband kept an eye on all the kids, but either way, everyone was gone when I woke up at 5:30.
Lebanon, New Jersey
Overheard by: she was gone, too, from the sound of it.
11AM Very Slow Fights Break Out
Distressed middle-aged man to wife: Well, that's what happens when you give spiked eggnog to old people!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confused Passerby
4PM And That's the Way It Is
Anchor writing newscast: I don't care about the poisoned Russian. Just give me the bong!
CBS Broadcast Center
New York, New York
12PM He's Cheech and Chong's Pete Best
Assistant manager: Where the hell did you go? I came up front, and a bunch of girls were dragging you out of the store.
Coworker, chuckling: They needed me to show them how to roll a joint.
Assistant manager: I didn't hear that [walks away].
291 Highway
Liberty, Missouri
4PM You're Hired! You Start Work As a Mule on Monday
Chick: Hi, I'm here for the interview...
Employee: Alright... What's your name?
Chick: I'm here for an appointment at 3:30.
Employee: Oh, it's noon right now, so... not for a while!
Chick: Oh, is it? Ohhh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm, like, really blazed right now.
Northlake Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: cool, im hungover.
1PM This Is Just Like the Time I Coughed Up That Set of Keys
Woman #1: Oh my god, I got so drunk last night that I ate a cigarette!
Woman #2: What? Did you throw up?
Woman #1: I tried to make myself. I got some of it out, but the filter is still in there. Do you think that's bad?
Woman #2: I doubt it.
Woman #1: I have no freaking clue why I did it, I just decided to -- it was so bizarre!
Woman #2: Oh, man...
1020 19th Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM Clearly Not Enough to Forget That It Happened
Employee #1: Did you go out this weekend?
Employee #2: Not really.
Employee #1: I tried this new drink. The bartender said it was a 'cum shot.'
Employee #2: How many drinks did it take before you did that?
Monroe Avenue
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: did you brush your teeth?
10AM One Way to Keep Them Quiet
Office lady #1: I'm going to a sleep-away camp for ten-year-olds this weekend.
Office lady #2: Well, at least there will be alcohol.
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: sarcastro
12PM We're Trying to Rig Up Some Kind of IV Drip Feed in a Backpack
Salesperson on phone: She's a vicious person but a friendly, stupid drunk.
George Town
Grand Cayman
9AM Or I'll Just Start Using My Health Insurance Card
Dude #1: I've lost five ATM cards this year.
Dude #2: How do you lose five ATM cards?
Dude #1: Doing a lot of coke... I'm thinking about stopping with the coke.
Haight Street and Clayton Street
San Francisco, California
2PM At Camp Marion Barry
Military personnel: Adam* looks like hell this morning -- like he was smoking crack all night. Adam, you are a civilian, right?
Adam: Yes.
Military personnel: Ah, then it's alright. You don't get drug-tested like us. Smoke all the crack you want.
Washington, DC
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
9AM If At First You Don't Succeed, Lower Your Standards
Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What's Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It's a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!
Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: laughing into my beer
3PM 'Dear Penthouse' Letters
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I'm 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I'm her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat
Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?
Caesars, Indiana
Overheard by: Fatty
5PM Could Have Happened to Any of Us
Office girl #1: What's wrong?
Office girl #2, gagging: I was miming committing suicide by glue stick, and I accidentally inhaled.
N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
4PM Ain't No Dignity in Being Knocked Up
Guy #1: Hey, you don't look so great.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm sick, I think I might throw up.
Guy #1: I've thrown up lots of times at work... but I was hung-over.
Downtown, Boston, MA
12PM I Don't Care Who's Going Into Labor, Just Get Me That Keg
20-something guy on phone: Hey! Yeah, whatever. Do you have the keg? No, no listen to... Shut up! Listen to me! Do you have the keg?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Picadilly Bones
5PM There Are no Stupid Questions...Oh, Wait
Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?
420 Harding
Tennessee
1PM He Gets Smarter When He Drinks
Frat boy: Gimme something like a whiskey sour but dont put Jack Daniels or anything like that in it. I dont like whiskey!
Bartender: Well what you want in it instead of whiskey?
Frat boy: Use Jim Beam, I fucking love Jim Beam!
Evolution Nightclub
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Melvin
5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Either Way, Really
Plumber: What do I have to do to install gas lines?
Admin: You have to take our class and enroll in a drug and alcohol testing program.
Plumber: You mean I gotta be on drugs to install gas lines?
Admin: No, sir, you have to NOT be on drugs.
Plumber: Oh, OK. I can do that.
5461 Southwyck Boulevard
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Emily
2PM And Leaving Early from Happy Hour to Shoot Heroin into My Eyelids
Dude #1: I quit smoking last week.
Dude #2: How's that going?
Dude #1: Well, I'm leaving early to go drinking.
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM And Stick It up His Nose
Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.
1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Fin
1PM And She Was So Smart for Figuring That Out
Girl: Did you notice the way their baby looked?
Guy: Um, yeah.
Girl: It's because she didn't do drugs or alcohol when she was pregnant. It makes a big difference, you know? That's why the baby is so smart.
Tulsa, Oklahoma
2PM The Red Sea Was a Giant Wine Bar
Devout drinker: So if you think about it... Moses would want you to be drunk right now.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Converting to Judaism
1PM The First-Ever Suggestion That College Leads to Sobriety
Woman: Man, I got so shitfaced last night. Major hangover. I'm not gonna get anything done.
Lackey: Well, good thing you're a VP. You can get away with that kind of thing.
Woman: I know, right? And I don't even have a college education!
Lackey: Guess I wasted those four years and workday sobriety for nothing. And all this time I could have been a hungover dropout.
Woman: Live and learn!
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
10AM One-Handed, Too
Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn't.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can't shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, "I don't write smut on demand!" But I write very good smut.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Easily Entertained
1PM It's All About Scheduling, Yo
Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo' what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl's car and rode over to my baby daddy's momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, "Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit's suspended, yo."
Male customer: That's some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo' reals...But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.
11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: suddenly not hungry
5PM NewsFlash: Crime Wave Linked to Font Addiction!
Co-Worker: Fonts are like my heroin.
820 West Superior Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.
Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Why Generation Y Already Out-Earns Generation X
Assistant: You ever do something repeatedly--so much, that you're like, "Whoa, this isn't real. I'm not doing this!"?
Intern: Umm...
Assistant: Like, when you're staring at your face in the mirror for so long that you're like, "Whoa! That's not my face! This isn't real!" Hasn't that ever happened to you?
Intern: No. That's usually when I stop drinking.
900 2nd Street NE
Washington, DC
2PM It's Their Wellness Program
General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it's nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can't!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I'm feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.
Beaumont, Texas
11AM And Blackmail? That Pretty Legal, Also?
Lawyer: Put your John Hancock on these documents, please.
Daughter: You sure this is legal? I mean, with me being your kid and all?
Lawyer: It is very legal. Far more legal than any of the drugs you have experimented with on my credit card.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
4PM They Should Get Married
Giddy woman: You like alcohol, don't you?
Not-So-Giddy woman: I like when everyone around me's drunk. It makes my life easier.
Giddy woman: I like when I'm drunk. It makes my life easier.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: 3rd cubicle to the left
11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up
Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
1PM Why Rich Babies Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Lady #1: I'm very tired. I went out last night.
Lady #2: Oh, did you have a lot to drink?
Lady #1: Of course not, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: It's pretty bad to drink when you're pregnant.
Lady #1: Yeah, it's so expensive, and you've gotta save money to buy baby stuff.
Goulbourn Street
Sydney, Australia
4PM So, Similar to Washing Down a Whole Bottle of Tylenol With a Fifth of Jack Daniels
IT nerd #1: Well, it's kinda like when you are on shrooms.
IT nerd #2: Um...
IT nerd #1: Okay, well, same thing as LSD.
IT nerd #2: I have never tried that either.
IT nerd #1: Peyote?
IT nerd #2: No...
IT nerd #1: Mescaline?
IT nerd #2: I have never tried illegal drugs.
IT nerd #1: Okay, well, it's kinda like quickly drinking 8 or 9 bottles of NyQuil.
IT nerd #2: Oooohhh, okay. That I've done. Now I understand.
Elevator
2-3-14 Shinagawa-ku
Tokyo, Japan
Overheard by: Brian Milvid
4PM We're Going to Get Married in December, When it Has Some Time Off
Chain-Smoker, during heat wave: Smoking does keep you active and engaged with the heat.
750 Third Avenue
New York, New York
12PM It's My Fitness Program
Female co-worker: Yeah, these bruises on my legs? I wish I could say they were from S&M. Actually, I was just drunkenly stumbling around.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McN
11AM And I Expect to Be Hungover Monday
Suit #1: I'm going to need that project done for Monday. Can you get on that right now?
Suit #2: It's Friday, and I have beer to drink. It's really going to have to wait.
4881 Yonge Street
Toronto, Ontario
4PM What if Your Kid's Hungover?
Co-Worker #1: Kids are just a built in excuse to call in sick. If Carl* can call in because his kid is sick, I should be able to call in sick because I'm hungover.
Co-Worker #2: Wouldn't that be every day then?
Co-Worker #1: No, I mean too hungover to work.
Highways 7 and 78
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: steak of life
1PM What Do You Have to Do Around Here to Get Some Freaking Champagne?!
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: I'm looking for a red wine.
Employee: Cabernet, pinot noir, shiraz?
Customer: No, I want a red wine.
1017 East Main Street
Radford, Virginia
2PM Paging Keith Richards...
Mother: I think Grandma Olson has a little bit of a cirrhosis thing going on.
Little girl: Why's that?
Mother: Because Grandma Olson drinks much, much, much more than-
Little girl: -Than grandpa?
Mother: Than anyone in the world.
120 Kellogg Boulevard
St. Paul, Minnesota
4PM Thank God I Have This NyQuil in My Desk
Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don't open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that's retarded. Haven't they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?
37 West 20 Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: shenanigan
5PM We Need a Quorum to Get High
Vice-president #1, to vice-president #2: Now all we need is a bong and multiple partners!
37th Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
11AM Does She Like Breathing Phone Calls and Threatening Letters?
Co-Worker #1: Do you know who I'm talking about?
Co-Worker #2: Wait, is she attractive?
Co-Worker #1: I guess.
Co-Worker #2: Blonde? Short?
Co-Worker #1: Yah, that's her.
Co-Worker #2: She's married.
Co-Worker #1: Yah. Does she smoke weed?
Co-Worker #2: I don't think so. But she should. That or a Xanax.
150 South Wacker
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Dear Diary, Failed Emotional Intelligence Test Today
Older man: So, are you hungover?
Younger woman: No. Why? Do I look hungover?
Older man: No. I just wanted to start a conversation, and I don't know what else to talk to you young people about.
501 Second Street
San Francisco, California
4PM I Find If I Don't Make Plans for the Weekend, I Just Sit Around and Watch TV
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I've had, I'm getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
11AM We Love the Things We Love For What They Are
Nurse: Have you ever done any other drugs? Cocaine? Meth?
Patient: I have loved meth since the day it was introduced to me.
Gall Boulevard
Zephyrhills, Florida
9AM It Means I'm Gay
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I'm married.
PM: I don't know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
12PM We Just Don't Have Enough Slavepower
Lady: Uhh, hi, do you sell cigarettes?
Cashier: No, this is a plant nursery.
Lady: Yeah, I know. So you don't have them?
Cashier: No, ma'am, this is a plant nursery. We sell plants here.
Lady: But cigarettes come from tobacco, and that's a plant. I figured if anyone would sell them it would be you.
6831 Central Avenue
St. Petersburg, Florida
11AM Smoke Break
Bookseller: I cleaned up all the damn puppets. All of them! Then, watched as a father allowed his children to throw all of them on the floor, play for an hour, then leave them. He grinned at me, said 'Kids, right?', then left. It took all I had not to tear that grin off his face, and shove it so far up his fucking ass that I could then reattach it backwards...Wow, four hours really is too long to go without a cigarette!
Cashier: That was the best image I've had all day. Go smoke so that I can savor it alone.
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Laughing coworker
4PM Prepping for Happy Hour
Administrator: Here's my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
2PM Smoke Break
Guy: I'm so beat. I stayed out till 4am drinking last night. I was going to go take a nap in the car, but I think that would be too obvious.
Girl: You can take a nap on the picnic table over there. Then maybe a cop will show up and arrest you because he thinks you're homeless.
Guy: Bitch! This is business casual!
23825 Commerce Park
Beachwood, Ohio
2PM Inventory Check
Dad: [searching through bin of Nalgene bottles] Where is it? I know they have it.
Toddler son: Have what, dad?
Dad: [still searching] The same color bottle I had.
Toddler son: Why do you need a new one, dad?
Dad: Because mommy got drunk and left my old one at her boyfriend's house.
3225 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you hear what Gwyneth Paltrow named her new baby?
Peon: Yeah, Moses. That's old news.
Boss: I wonder what she'll name the next one.
Peon: Well, it looks like she's going in order from the Bible. It'll probably be Caleb or Joshua.
Boss: You sure know a lot about the Bible for someone who's not religious.
Peon: I worked in a church for two years, it's hard not to pick something up.
Boss: Oh yeah? My mother's worked in a church for twenty years, and the only thing she's picked up is drinking.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
9AM Back to Work
Visiting IT guy: You want some crack? Oh, I can get you some crack. You should have said something, I was at Pawley's Island this weekend and had a boatload.
Assistant: Hmm, and you are on crack now. I see your hands are not shaking from withdrawal. Get out of my cubicle.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work (Or Not)
Voicemail: Please state your name and excuse for absence.
Employee: I'm too drunk to drive.
167 3rd Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer service manager: Okay, now I'm going to grab my hipflask, hide behind the bushes, and drink myself stupid.
98 Toryork
North York, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
Coworker: I just can't do PCP socially anymore. It's such a mess.
5100 S MoPac
Austin, Texas
2PM Straightening Up
At the end of Take Your Kids to Work Day...
Bruno*: Everything is askew! Where's my weedbag? I've got some quarters missing. Damn thieving kids.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Coffee Break
Coworker: I think he's on crack. I mean, in a good way. I just think he's on crack.
1901 West University
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: I can't believe he sells drugs. He just doesn't look the type.
Coworker #2: He works in procurement. He's probably really good at it.
Park Road
Milton, Queensland
Australia
9AM Back to Work
Matthew McConaughey's mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.
Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe... don't you know who I am?
Matthew: You people bring me down.
Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas
4PM Smoke Break
Ad Design #1: I'm having trouble of sleeping and was thinking of getting Ambien.
Ad Design #2: You're too young to take sleeping pills. Have you tried crack?
151 West 34th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sarah
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
2PM Review Candidates
Boss #1: We can use [Derek] as our field supervisor; he knows how to do the work.
Boss #2: Is he still a drunk?
Boss #1: Yeah. His wife left him.
Boss #2: He has always been a drinker.
Boss #1: So we'll put him in charge of everything and he can run the crews. We'll pay his expenses and give him the company truck.
Boss #2: Okay. Sounds good to me. Maybe stuff will start getting done now.
8221 NW Expressway Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
11AM Hearing Prep
Attorney: My head hurts, my mouth tastes like crap, I haven't shaved in four days and my suit is wrinkled. I think I'm hung over.
Secretary: Well, what do you have to do today?
Attorney: DUI hearing to try and get [Leonard] off the hook.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Lunch
Programming #1: I totally didn't realize he was holding a bong.
Programming #2: That explains why the smores thing was funny.
11951 Freedom Drive
Reston, Virginia
5PM That's a Wrap
Analyst: It's ten minutes 'til beer o' clock!
535 Routes 6 & 209
Milford, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: The worst thing you can do is pull over on the side of the road and get into your trunk. It's a good way to get yourself killed.
1201 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM Get New Temp
Manager on phone: She'll only be filing and sorting so as long as she doesn't come in drunk and screw up the files, I don't really care about the DUI.
2250 Alcazar Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, are your balls getting hot?
Co-worker #2: Quite.
Co-worker #1: I hear a hot laptop kills your sperm.
Co-worker #2: I'm all for it. I smoke the seeds, too.
1759 T Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Brendan B
5PM Happy Hour
Editor #1: Why would they ding you?
Editor #2: They have to ding. Even if there is nothing wrong, they have to ding. It's psychological.
Editor #1: I need a beer.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Analyst #1: We need something to make this tea better.
Analyst #2: Have you tried rum?
10 minutes later.
Analyst #1: Do you have any more rum?
Analyst #3: It's ten in the morning.
225 High Ridge Road
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: QRC
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Sometimes I just get caught up in all this stuff, it's so hectic.
Employee #2: You have to stop once in a while and find some sunshine.
Employee #1: I'd rather just find some moonshine.
50 West State Street
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jimmy Fingers
3PM Smoke Break
Intern: They didn't have Guinness, so we had pure Jameson and Bailey shots.
Manager: Oh, well.
Intern: Laced with something else.
Associate: PCP?
Intern: Who knows?
Manager: Could it have been PCP?
Intern: It tasted awfully sweet.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
3PM Smoke Break
Accounts Payable: I wish sometimes I was tippin' it at my desk.
Accounts Receivable: Tippin' what?
Accounts Payable: You know, the bottle.
Accounts Payable: Yeah, but you gotta be a good alcoholic, and at least show up for work every day. That's what I do.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What are you drinking? Oh, my daughter loves that stuff.
Co-worker #2: This is a Red Bull. Isn't your daughter only five?
Co-worker #1: Yes. My husband always gives it to her.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
12PM Get Messages
Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.
156 West 56th Street
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Business Officer: You remember when I told you that?
Editor: No, I was drunk at the time.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
11AM Party Planning
Worker: So the Christmas party is mandatory?
Boss: Of course not, but if you don't show you'll probably be ostracized.
Worker: ...And I have to sign a waiver to drink?
Boss: Do you think a company of lawyers would let everyone drink, then drive, and not cover their asses?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
5PM Find a New Ride Home
Assistant teacher: Shit, never get in a car with him. He drove me home once, and halfway home I realized he was so drunk, and he wouldnt let me out of the car. He started going almost 80 miles an hour!
Teacher: Oh, I thought he was a good driver. When I got in the car, though, he just said, "I'm just warning you. I'm a little tipsy right now."
450 Glen Cove Avenue
Glen Head, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: This lunchtime let's lock ourselves in a toilet cubicle with a knife, some string and a needle, and see what happens.
144 Uxbridge Road
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
3PM Cancer Break
Manager: We're in Gwinnett County. You need to be 10 feet from the walkway if you want to legally smoke.
Smoker #1: Like, isn't that unfair? What if you're a midget? Your feet would be about half the size of mine...No, seriously. Look how big my feet are! They're like twice the size of midget feet...Oh! You mean like a ruler!
Smoker #2: Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the metric system?
333 Research Court
Norcross, Georgia
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: So, I think I have decided to give up caffeine. But I can't decide if I should give up liquid caffeine, or sugar caffeine.
Co-worker #2: You should give up the liquid kind.
Co-worker #1: Does that mean I have to give up my coffee in the mornings?
Co-worker #2: Naw, just cut back on the amount of pop you drink.
6700 Antioch Road
Overland Park, Kansas
1PM Lunch
Account Exec #1: You're acting weird today. You're like, high.
Account Exec #2: I need a juicebox!
462 7th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Orientation
New Hire #1: So, what time do you think we'll report to our boss?
New Hire #2: Probably in like an hour?
New Hire #3: No, probably later because we have to take the urine test.
New Hire #1: What? Why do we have to take a hearing test?
New Hire #2: No, the drug test!
New Hire #1: Huh?
280 Park Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Liberate the Slaves
Co-worker: The network people are always sending around network interruption notices telling us that the system will be down Sunday from 10-2. Like I'm working then! Besides, this is like therapy for people with BlackBerries. Free yourselves, crackberry slaves!
50 Driveway
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Coffee/Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: Ah, beat me to it!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's the little victories that get you through the day.
Co-worker #3: ...Yeah, that or drugs.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Paul Lamb
1PM Lunch
HR #1: She said she's going to be on it for life! What kind of doctor gives you Valium for life?
Accountant: A good one!
HR #1: And what doctor would mix Valium, Vicodin, and Demerol?
HR #2: What's this doctor's name, again?
1776 Main Street
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: ribbon
12PM Call Heidi
Lawyer on phone: ...No...No....They can't take your kids away for smokin' pot, that's bullshit...Ha, ha, ha!
500 5th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Why, Monday, Why?
Co-worker #1: I'm really tired this morning.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you try Red Bull?
Co-worker #1: That stuff doesn't work for me.
Co-worker #2: Well, have you ever tried it without the vodka?
2783 Lancashire Road
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
3PM Coffee Break
Office worker #1: Coffee, coffee, coffee...I love coffee...Here goes down...down in to my belly. Coffee is the greatest drug ever.
Office worker #2: Seriously, especially since you don't get fat because it doesn't give you the munchies...I need to drink more coffee.
Office worker #1: Yeah, you do.
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
9AM Just One More Day
Co-worker: I slept like a crack baby last night.
1 California Street
San Francisco, Califrornia
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Doctor: Did you put the drugs in the drug room?
Nurse: No! I can't find where they are supposed to go. Every time I try and find the drugs in that room I want to kill somebody!
Doctor: Please don't. We shouldn't be killing any more patients anyway.
250 West Bridge Street
Dublin, Ohio
3PM Cigarette Break
Office monkey #1: Bro, this job is like motherfucking cocaine!
Office monkey #2: How's that?
Office monkey #1: It seems fun at first but then it fucks your asshole raw.
1211 6th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Building service: Coffee's shit, man.
White collar: Yeah. Gotta work, though.
The building service person snorts an imaginary line from the countertop.
Building service: Dat's da shit you need, man. Coke id up.
1114 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
2PM Pick Up Mail
Mail guy #1: He said he smoked crack at work?
Mail guy #2: Yeah.
Mail guy #1: How did he do that?
Mail guy #2: He said he did it in the bathroom.
Mail guy #1: But how?
Mail guy #2: How?
Mail guy #1: Yeah. He has to walk past about 2 guards to get in the building. Those people are trained to smell shit and they know if you're coming in here dirty.
281 Tresser Boulevard
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Brenda Fate
11AM Cancel Doctor's Appt.
Mental Health Advisor: He's crazy. He's gone off his meds because he thinks the doctors are trying to shrink his penis.
240 Calhoun Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Security Meeting
Smoker: Yeah, but the problem is security. I could give her an injection of morphine, but--
401 Gate Tree Lane
Austin, Texas
1PM Lunch
The boss is laughing hysterically.
Peon: Are you okay?
Boss: I'm okay.
Peon: Are you sure?
Boss: I told you that I thought Wendy's spiked my Coke.
Peon: With what? Crack?
Boss: Spiked my Coke with crack!
3100 W. Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Lunch with "Client"
Woman with shoes: But...you're totally drunk.
Woman without shoes: I so want to get fired today.
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Usually Crack is the Long-term Goal...
Suit: Let me introduce you to our crackhead intern...[Patrick].
51 West 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: E-nigmatic
7AM I Can Hear the Awkward Silence from Here
Worker: [Jeff] didn't come in because he has pneumonia. We went to the hospital yesterday.
Manager: Ever since you and [Jeff] started dating he's begun falling apart. Now he's got pneumonia. That's what drugs will do to you; lower your immune system.
Worker: That couldn't have been it...It's been 2 weeks since we've taken ecstacy.
7350 S. Tamiami Trail
Sarasota, Florida
4PM The Wino Says It on Thursday
Suit #1: So what's the occasion for drinks after work?
Suit #2: It's Tuesday.
Suit #1: ...Isn't that what a wino says?
645 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: BJ Blazkowitz
1PM He Seems to Have a Long, Impressive Record
Employee #1: There's a drunk guy outside who wants to know if we're hiring any laborers.
Employee #2: Does he have a valid driver's license?
1201 Yorkship Square
Camden, New Jersey
1PM Too Much Speed Makes You Want to Get to Work
Worker: I need to go home, I think I have caffeine poisoning.
Boss: Caffeine poisoning?
Worker: Yeah, I think the coffee made me sick.
Boss: Is it like being on too much speed?
810 Dominican Drive
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM "Hi, [Libby]!" replied the group in unison that night.
Co-worker: I really wish they served beer in the vending machines...by the way, I'm not really an alcoholic, it's just been one of those days... oh, by the way, you're new, right? My name's [Libby], nice to meet you!
300 South Main Street
Blacksburg, Virginia
6AM It's Cheaper and Healthier Than Starbucks
Model employee: The earlier I wake up, the more crack I smoke on the way to work.
3100 W. Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Samesque
12AM Think of His Lungs Like Giant Beakers
Technician: Man, I gotta go grab a smoke. I've been upstairs mixing chemo for hours!
427 Victor Street
Lincolnton, North Carolina
Overheard by: Suzette Truesdell
1PM Because to Be French is to Be Lame
Employee #1: So, does [Wheels] do coke? It sure as hell seems like he does.
Employee #2: No man, he's from Montreal.
Employee #1: Oh. Why does that make sense?
101 Autopark Circle
Toronto, Ontario
4PM That Bright Light Being the Weekend, Folks!
Co-worker: That's a great idea, get a robot to sell drugs so you don't have to. That way, when the cops bust your robot, you don't get in trouble, just your robot. Just think, there's so many criminal activities you could automate, like robotic prostitutes. Until now I had thought our future was dark and grim, but how I'm seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
12AM That's Depends on Where in Europe She's From
Visiting European account manager: Oh, you have a new cell! I guess it was time to get a new one?
Chinese Project Manager: Yes, this morning I come to work and I am robbed by bandits. So, I have to get a new cell phone.
Visiting European account manager: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha...ha...Heh. Oh. Oh dear. Are you ok?
Chinese Project Manager (in Chinese): Is she drunk?
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
Overheard by: Adam White
6PM That's Quite a Euphemism for Sex with Pale Fat Chicks
Lobbyist #1: You remember how it was in school...drinking, gambling,
and being investigated by the IRA.
Lobbyist #2: Don't you mean the IRS?
Lobbyist #1: No, the IRA. Irish Republican Army.
Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
12PM My Job is Interfering with My Binge Drinking
Woman supervisor: So the manager called and asked me if I could open today.
Man supervisor: Yeah, me too. I was supposed to close tonight.
Woman supervisor: I told him I had some very important things to do this morning. Mostly it was getting over my hangover, 'cause I was gonna get fucking drunk last night.
Man supervisor: Sounds like a legit excuse to me.
Woman supervisor: Don't worry, you can get drunk tonight.
8341 NW Roanridge Road
Kansas City, Missouri
12AM Check to See If That Twenty was Rolled
Editor: Oh, get me a cinnamon roll too. Here's a twenty.
Reporter: A twenty? The only people that have money in the middle of the week are drug dealers.
169 West Nepessing Street
Lapeer, Michigan
6PM The Important Thing Is: He Has Custody
Teacher: When he came in to register his kids here, he tried to use his arrest report as his proof of address. "Possession with intent to sell," it said. I told him, "You can't use that as your proof of address; you need a BGE or a water bill."
2000 Cecil Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
12AM That's Why You Don't Schedule These Things in the Afternoon
Producer: Sorry I couldn't make your screening, but as you heard I was
drunk and asleep even by the time your call came around.
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
12AM The Kid Who Should've Loved Ducking
VP of marketing: If you used a duck, you'd somehow have to tie it into a kid who was killed by a drunk driver who loved ducks.
30 E, 33rd Street
New York, NY
8AM Ask Me Again After 6 More Beers
Editor: How funny do you think alcoholism is?
12 W. 27th Street
New York, NY
4PM "How do I get this straw out of my nose?!"
Doctor on phone: A drug test? OK, so how much coke did you do? And you wanna know what?
232 East 20th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Robert Spychala
4PM Ask a Hippie to Explain
Editor: I was going to go to that show last night but I got distracted.
Production Assistant: Why?
Editor: It was 4/20, man!
Production Assistant: That's mature.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM I Left My Undies Down Under
Nurse: Where are your pants [Tobias]?
AlcoHobo: I must have forgotten to put them on before I left the house.
North Terrace
Adelaide, South Australia
4PM Can You Recommend a Good Dealer?
Head of Security: I know several of you have told me I looked familiar. Well, I used to be an undercover narcotics agent...don't worry, I won't name names.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
8AM "...or that you sort mail for a living."
Mail clerk #1: I got the new pair of shoes because I don't like what my old ones look like.
Mail clerk #2: Try crack, then you won't care what you look like.
525 West Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Aloha Exhaustion, Aloha Productivity!
Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks?
Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack
in it.
827 Fort Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Shiroma
10PM I Only Drive Drunk in Moderation
Suit: It was 6 hours of nonstop powerdrinking. My wife was at a Christmas party and asked me to pick her up, and I said, "Even I would not get behind the wheel now!"
350 Madison Ave.
New York, NY
