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12PM Except for Michael Jackson
Lady peon with eye patch: Yeah... Once you go black, you never go back.
45th Avenue and Vermont Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: WOW
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
10AM What's the Upside Here?
Chick on cell, going to see her dad at work: Not shaving my legs is my chastity belt -- now I can get drunk and not be a slut.
Main Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by:
4PM And Neither of Them Knows It
Office chick #1: But why does she do that?
Office chick #2: It doesn't matter -- her boyfriend is so gay!
Melbourne
Australia
10AM Now Are You Ready to Order?
Waitress: I don't want any sauce touching me... Unless it's being licked off of me.
1027 West Horsetooth Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
4PM Dammit, I'm Looking for Reasons to Do This
Worker bee #1: I don't know about dating him. I can't get over the age difference. It would be--
Worker bee #2: --Like raping a child?
Worker bee #1: Well, no...
Worker bee #2: Not your, like, son...
Worker bee #1: [Silence.]
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Eavesdropper
11AM Twelve Full Months of Scary Doll Eyes
Worker: Hello! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Eight-year-old boy: Barbie!
Calendar kiosk, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
10AM How America Keeps Its Suits in Line
Receptionist: With girls it's okay to imagine things and dream. Boys, you do that, you're gay.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: True Believer
1PM So They'll Have Lots to Polish
Exec assistant on phone: They're gay boys, so... you know... maybe a little more stainless steel...
47th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
11AM You Really Tell That Story a Lot
Secretary to assistant: Yeah, I went through my lesbian phase, but I could never go back to women 'cause I like giving blowjobs too much!
4400 Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
10AM He's Modeled after That Guy from Chasing Amy
Peon #1: Where's Kevin* today?
Peon #2: What is it, Thursday? Guess it depends on whether he's black or gay today.
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
9AM The Streets Are Filled with Earnest Strivers, Though
Straight cube girl: Straight people are a dime a dozen! It's hard to find a good lesbian lover. You, of all people, should know that.
Straight cube guy: I know, I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM What Do You Think "Gay" Means?
Patient: I'm going to see The Lion King tonight.
Nurse #1: Can you imagine doing shows like that every night, traveling all the time?
Nurse #2: Most of them are gay anyhow, so it's no big deal.
Red Cross van
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Taxman
1PM Precious Little of That at My House
Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?
Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.
Female coworker: Pity. I came in this morning sniffing around for the smell of pussy and latex.
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
4PM Surprisingly Effective
Male supervisor who drives a PT Cruiser: My car's as much of a chick magnet as me walking into a room without a shirt on making farting noises with my armpit.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
5PM It Does, but Not in the Way You Mean
Graphic designer holding two envelopes with different designs: Are you curious?
Marketing coordinator: I dunno... Are you bi-curious?
Graphic designer, stunned: Do you know what that means?
Marketing coordinator: Ummm... Doesn't it mean doubly curious?
401 South Jackson Street
Seattle, Washington
10AM It's My Lunch. Geez, Can We Just Get Back to Work?
Female coworker: We're really glad you decided to come out!
Male coworker: Me, too!
Female coworker: So, is that your coming out stuff?
West 11th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Disappointed I'm just a temp
9AM At the Revisionist Bible Thumpers of America Meeting
Maintenance guy: It says you shouldn't sleep with your dog... or your brother.
Route 447
Canadensis, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mistro
11AM How about a Compromise? One Could Be a Priest
Young wife sighing: All I pray for is a gay son.
Husband: All our sons will be straight.
Young wife: Just the youngest one can be gay. I need one gay son. You won't even notice.
Husband: No, it won't happen. Costa Ricans don't have gay sons. And I want my name passed on.
Young wife: I'll wait until you go to work, then put makeup and heels on him and let him be himself. I need someone to talk to when you are gone.
Sandwich shop
Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
9AM You're Just Too Macho to Say 'I Love Her'
Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait... So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.
571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
1PM Well, They Are Still behind Your Shirt, If That's What You Mean
Woman on way to meeting: Are my boobs sticking out enough?
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM Mom, I'd Like You to Meet My Girlfriend... Shaniqua
Mom: The neighbor found out you're gay.
Daughter: What did she say?
Mom: She doesn't care. Her son is gay and her daughter's dating a black guy.
Daughter: What does her daughter dating a black have to do with it?
Mom: Well, I would rather my daughter was a lesbian than date a black guy.
8741 W Saginaw Highway
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: barista
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
4PM He Has, He's Just Hoping She'll Show Him Where It Is
Male employee #1: I don't think it exists.
Female employee: The G-spot? Oh, it's real.
Male employee #1: I think it's a mythical place.
Male employee #2: I've never heard of it.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
5PM The Good Ones All Have MBAs Now
Female coworker: Well, I guess I hadn't thought it out so thoroughly.
Male coworker: Yeah, and the hookers were like, 'Woo-hoo, market share!'
Chevy Chase, Building 4
Maryland
Overheard by: Xen
1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!
80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!
2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania
10AM By the Way, the Papillomas Are Lovely This Season
Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a climbing plant, but I'm not sure what it's called. It sounds like 'clem'-something, or 'clam'-something?
Employee: Right... Ah, 'chlamydia'?
Customer: Um... No, that's--
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That's a venereal disease -- she probably wants 'clematis.'
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend
Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?
4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
2PM Me Jane. Tarzan Away on Business
Guy: How are you going to tell your mom that you didn't do your homework because you have a gorilla fetish?
Girl: It's not a fetish, I'm just curious about their... stuff.
Guy: It's still fucked up.
Washington Avenue Bridge, University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM 'Benny and the Jets'? Perfect for Cardio
AP woman: You look like you're getting your figure back.
AR woman: I'm trying -- I've become obsessed with BJs.
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
3PM Just Left a Job in Urophilia, Pennsylvania
Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!
Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you're refusing the drug test?
Job applicant #1: Oh, it's just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Exactly the Kind of Dirty Work You Avoid on Vacation
Woman #1: How was your vacation?
Woman #2: Great!
Woman #3: You look great! Did you have fun?
Woman #2: Lots of sex, no kids, and lots of beach time.
Woman #1: You have sex on vacation?
Bergen, New Jersey
11AM Dude, It's a Big Continent
White professional #1: Did you know that there's a coming of age ceremony in Africa where the nephew has to blow the uncle?
White professional #2: No, there isn't!
White professional #1: Yes, there is, I swear... [Turns to African-American coworker] Right, Kareem?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Hermitage
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
11AM With a Name Like Oral Roberts, It's Hard to Be Otherwise
Coworker: Yeah, I call my husband the 'Pentecostal Pervert'! He married me when I was 13.
UC Davis Hospital
Davis, California
10AM This Job Sucks -- I Quit!
Reporter #1: So, I was interviewing her about what she was going to do next, and she said she hoped she'd just get, you know, a Joe Blow job.
Reporter #2: You're not going to put that in the story, are you?
Reporter #3: Where can I find this Joe?
149 Penn Avenue
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I just work here
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
11AM The Litter Box Next to the Bed Might Be a Mistake
Female employee: I don't mind thinking I'll be a creepy cat lady. I just don't want to be a creepy virgin cat lady.
Crosspoint Boulevard
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Better Wrap This up, Boys -- Mrs. Agnew's Coming into Heat
Supervisor #1: I mean, humans are the only ones that are supposed to be having interspecies sex, and even then, I don't think that we should be.
Supervisor #2: Ew.
Supervisor #3: But that'd probably get you promoted here.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
9AM If At First You Don't Succeed, Lower Your Standards
Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What's Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It's a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!
Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: laughing into my beer
9AM She's a Somnabuleater
Guy: I don't think you were passed out. He said you went down on him three times.
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Meister
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
2PM Where U.S. Army Officials Go to 'Investigate' Suspected Homosexual Acts
Old man: So, this was a good queer movie.
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: Where are the other movies about dykes and queers?
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: I want to know if they are really sexy, though.
Cedar Street
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: silenced
10AM Dare to Dream, Little Queen
Female coworker: I think I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling well.
Gay coworker: I hope it's not contagious.
Female coworker: No. It's... woman problems. I don't think you'll get infected.
Gay coworker: You'd be surprised.
14th Street and Rhode Island Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Suprised
3PM He's Anterean-Curious
Male coworker: But Anne Heche is oddly hot, and she'd be okay with another woman in the bedroom. Plus, she's insane, which makes her fun.
Female coworker: Well, guess if you're fantasizing about someone bi and crazy she could be interesting...
Male coworker: See? See? I think she might actually be an alien. That'd be even better! Aliens are sexy.
Female coworker: No, no, now you're just getting weird and nerdy. Aliens are not sexy.
Male coworker: I always imagined the female alien from Cocoon to be really sexy. She had a great body when the skin was on her, but there was something scary and yet awesome about the glowing part. I'd want her to keep her human skin on, but I imagine sex with her to be like nothing else you've ever imagined. And I imagine her kisses to taste like candy and electricity, like pop rocks or something.
Female coworker: Okay, now you've let me know too much information, and you're still getting all nerdy.
Male coworker: Okay, you're right. This is starting to sound weird.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
9AM But He Does Have a Really Hot 12-Year-Old Niece
Meat clerk: So, Mitch*, how old is your daughter?
Mitch: 19. Why, you wanna fuck her? She's a whore. Joe* already fucked her.
Joe: He doesn't have a daughter.
Supermarket
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Fishmonger
3PM A Whacking Good Reason
Female customer #1: They have lotion in the women's bathroom that is phenomenal.
Female customer #2: There was a line for the women's room, so the owner let me use the men's room when nobody was in it. They didn't have any lotion in there.
Man: There's probably a good reason for that.
3520 Erie Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Please tell me you washed your hands
2PM You Should See the Water Sports Department
Female coworker: What are Dick's?
Male coworker: Oh, Dick's are huge!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Meghan
1PM Not Just Any Juices, Either -- Don't Do What I Did
Girl: Ummm... You need boy juices in order to make a baby.
610 Broadway
Portland, Oregon
12PM A Better Solution Than 'Always Turn Left'
Receptionist on phone: I know, this piercing is the best! Now whenever I have sex with someone really stupid, they are bound to find it!
The Generator Hostel
London, England
Overheard by: JJK
4PM And I'm Starting to Wonder about You
Guy: Humans are the only mammals that rape face-to-face.
Girl #1: What about dolphins?
Girl #2: But sharks don't. Sharks dance.
Guy: Sharks aren't mammals.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, you said mammals. But penguins don't.
Guy: Penguins aren't mammals either.
Tucson, Arizona
11AM Now Here Are Some Condoms and a Hole Punch...
CFO: Our budget has been balanced the last few years because of unpaid maternity leaves, and we are working that into our models for coming years.
Committee member: So our financial solvency is based on people in the company having sex?
CFO: Basically.
Klaipeda
Lithuania
12PM Because Their Secretary Told Me They're Missing Page 47 over There
Boss: I've got part of the Kama Sutra on my wall.
Employee: Do we need to talk to H.R.?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
3PM I Thought That Was Supposed to be Happening in Your Office?
Boss: Jeez Louise, we're just nailing each other over here!
Kansas City, Missouri
11AM No, That Kind Really Sucks
20-something chick #1: Yeah, can I get a ham and cheese sandwich on fellatio bread.
20-something chick #2: Ummm, I think it's called 'focaccia' bread...
Lafayette, Indiana
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
10AM He's More of a Strap Things on Kind of Guy
Coworker on phone: My husband knows how to strap things down probably like your husband.
Melrose Ave
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: ihear2much
9AM We Hit the Jackpot with Dizzy Does Dallas
Female coworker: All we ended up doing all weekend was watching porn and movies about jazz musicians.
Broad St & Cecil B. Moore Ave
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM You, for Example, Should Forget It
Salesguy #1: ...so she totally doesn't mind sexual harassment.
Salesguy #2: Really?
Salesguy #1: Well, she does and she doesn't. It depends on who's doing it.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Why Kiwi Teachers Smell
Teacher #1: I think I should just become a hooker.
Teacher #2: Yeah, but think of the all the washing you would have to do.
New Zealand
9AM Probably Wouldn't Share Her Toothbrush, Either
Bar skank: And she got all pissy at me because I wouldn't share my sex toys with her.
1760 Camino Del Río North
San Diego, California
Overheard by: not sharing mine either
5PM Sorry, I Don't Bi That
Control room guy: I'm sorry, but if you get a hard-on from another guy, YOU'RE GAY. You can't just say you were just acting. DeNiro couldn't even act that well.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
10AM Jack Spratt for the Twenty-First Century
Intern: I've never had butt sex. I'm saving it for marriage. Since I'm not a virgin anymore, I have to save something for my husband.
Friend: You're so dumb. You should have done what I did. I ONLY have butt sex, so I'm still a virgin.
Pour House Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, District of Columbia
9AM In Fairness, He Was Cross-Dressing at the Time
Construction worker #1: So you know how I knew you were gay?
Construction worker #2: WHAT?
Construction worker #1: It's cool, dude. But know how I knew?
Construction worker #2: [shakes head]
Construction worker #1: When you started making out with me at happy hour last week.
Construction worker #2: Oh. Oh, yeah.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
5PM Oh, This Won't Look Good at All in Court
Coworker: I was settling in for a little infidelity, and instead I got rape! But it was good.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
4PM It's Where the Porn Stars Go
Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.
Bethesda, Maryland
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM The 'Advanced' Section of the Kama Sutra Is Not for Everyone
Manager: Yeah, in order for me to work it out, I had to bend over backwards and slap some K-Y jelly on it.
Radio Shack
California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM EEOC's Favorite Kind of Testimony
Employee: OH, SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE COCK AGAIN!... Only it doesn't have sunglasses anymore.
101 Hillpointe Drive
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania
3PM And So Is My Other Mom -- And My Dad
Distressed eleven-year-old boy: Ms. B., Aaron called my mom gay and she is gay!
School
Poway, California
12PM If I'm Ever Too Old to Chuckle at the Phrase 'Do It,' Pull the Plug
Man: It's OK. We can still do it in my office.
Woman: That sounds fantastic.
Route 9
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
Overheard by: twelve step
10AM You Can't Let People Get Away with Basing Their Lives on '80s Movies
Security guard: I walked in on him making love to a mannequin, so I kicked the shit out of him.
Hazeldean Mall
Kanata, Ontario, Canada
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
12PM No, I Have a Plane Ticket and a Shovel
Lady #1: I'm saving myself for Mozart.
Lady #2: That's going to be quite a wait, honey.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Sarah
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke
10AM The Tits, I Just Left There
Man: I've heard that you've been to New York before and tried to be a stripper there.
Woman: Yeah, I've taken my ass back now.
Shanghai, China
4PM Why I Have No Pictures on My Desk
Lackey: So that's your wife, huh?
Suit: Yep.
Lackey: She's a grade-school teacher?
Suit: Yes.
Lackey: She looks like that one that had sex with her thirteen-year-old student.
275 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
11AM But That Wasn't Working, So I Switched to George
Suit #1: So I was banging Alice in her office, and she started crying. It reminded me of George and Meredith in Grey's Anatomy.
Suit #2: Wow! That must have been a turnoff.
Suit #1: No, I kept going. I just pretended I was banging Meredith.
80 J Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Extra Character
10AM One-Handed, Too
Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn't.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can't shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, "I don't write smut on demand!" But I write very good smut.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Easily Entertained
3PM Dan's Discount Dungeon
Female staffer #1: Yeah, we need to get us a gas-powered hedge trimmer.
Male staffer: Yeah, we have an electric, but it's battery-operated. And the battery only lasts about ten minutes, so it's like Extreme Speed Trimming. We have to get to that bush fast before the battery runs out.
Female staffer #2: Are y'all talking about vibrators?
Male staffer: Uh, well, sort of, except this one has teeth that chop long skinny things in half.
Female staffer #2: Oooh, kinky! Where'd you get it?
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM It's a Marriage
Woman #1: So is it a booty call if you only have sex some of the time?
Woman #2: No, it's worse.
3600 Port of Tacoma Road
Tacoma, Washington
2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?
Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.
1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: WOW @ CU
1PM Too Bad It's Another Part That Got the Clap
Girl #1: My boyfriend is in the pen.
Girl #2: For how long?
Girl #1: He's been there for three years.
Girl #2: Wow! You've been faithful to him for three years?
Girl #1: My heart has been...
2720 Villa Prom
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: FrancesDanger
12PM Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.
Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.
Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.
Elevator
Houston, Texas
2PM Who Among Us Can Say They Haven't Run That Search?
Employee #1: I don't think she got fired.
Employee #2: Yeah, but when they cleaned out her computer they found the search terms "anal, Ann Coulter" quite frequently.
18 Passaic Avenue
Fairfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: thanks for blocking aim, douchebags
10AM Taking the 'Vice' Out of 'Sleeping With the Vice-President,' One Rationalization at a Time
Woman #1: He had such a big penis.
Woman #2: Oh my God, that is so hot. Did you hear about Richard*?
Woman #1: But he is a subordinate! I am not cheating on my husband with a subordinate. It feels more guilty that way. At least I feel like I'm gaining more than pleasure from sleeping with the exec.
Main Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
9AM The Personal Is Political
Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.
630 East Lake
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Way-Too-Casual Friday
Co-Worker #1: I have to go expose myself to Bob* and Mike* in a meeting now.
Co-Worker #2: Maybe I should skip that meeting.
1701 North Collins Boulevard
Richardson, Texas
1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves
Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!
Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not getting any either
12PM She Waits on Her Roof For Aliens Every Night
Female cashier: Hey, is that your purple car out there?
Stock dude: Yeah, it is. The chicks love it.
Female cashier: I like it. I want a purple Probe.
Stock dude: Yeah...I heard that about you.
436 Southbridge Street
Auburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I heard that too.
5PM His Desk Plate Says 'I'd Rather Be Blistered'
Guy #1: Give me a break. I've been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I've been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that's too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.
469 7th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM I Tried Putting a Floppy in Her Once...Nothing
Computer guy #1: I can't see the hard drive on this network.
Computer guy #2: Well, the problem is that the disk isn't mounted. First you have to mount Claire*.
Claire: Hey!
Computer guy #2: Claire is the name of the office hard drive.
701 South Mount Vernon Avenue
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Amused
12PM It's My Fitness Program
Female co-worker: Yeah, these bruises on my legs? I wish I could say they were from S&M. Actually, I was just drunkenly stumbling around.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McN
11AM Nevada Madam: 'Sign Here'
Woman #1: Sometimes I like doing jobs like this.
Woman #2: Like what?
Woman #1: You know, mindless hand jobs.
380 Lafayette Road East
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Krista
12PM Color-Coded by Size
Rep: What's a vaginal dilator?
Nurse: A penis?
4645 East Cotton Center Boulevard
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
9AM ...But I've Got to Pay the Coke Bill, So Gimme $50, and We'll Snuggle
Supervisor: So I said to my son, "You want me to cuddle with you?" And he said, "No, Daddy, I've already slept with enough people today."
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM How Does One Judge a Kegel Exercise Contest?
Woman #1: Maybe it fell out because her vagina had no...tone.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #3: Right, no Kegel's.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Right, you are supposed to do Kegel's all day.
Woman #2: Since when?
Woman #1: From when you are 20. Or have a lot of sex.
Woman #3: I'd rather have a lot of sex than do Kegel's, but I do them, too.
Woman #2: What? My vagina is fine without either one. Don't tell my husband that, either.
Woman #3: You'll be sorry when you are older.
Woman #1: You never did Kegel's? We used to have contests at my other job.
Only man in the meeting walks in.
Woman #2: Well! What do men have to do?
Woman #3, smiling sweetly: Nothing. Men are perfect.
Bergen County, New Jersey
4PM And He Won't Be. Until the Next Time.
Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I've said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again...
2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
4PM And I Wrote It in the Funbag Programming Language
Engineer #1: What the hell were you thinking when you wrote this code?
Engineer #2: Boobs.
Engineer #1: Huh?!
Engineer #2: Truthfully, it's likely I was thinking about boobs.
Columbia, Maryland
9AM The Best Way to Try Something New Is to Maintain at Least a Little Connection to the Familiar
Girl #1: You know that gay guy that works second shift?
Girl #2: Yeah, what about him?
Girl #1: I took him out to meet all my hetero friends, and they enjoyed the shit out of him.
2800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: snorted my diet mountain dew
10AM Sleepless in the Hardware Department: Act One
Sales girl: I'm a screw hunter, baby!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM No, That's Question #15
Nurse, pointing to birth control questionnaire: Ma'am, I think you answered this question incorrectly.
15-year-old girl: No, that's right.
Nurse: It asks how long you've been with your current partner. You said five minutes.
15-year-old girl: That's how long it took.
616 Court Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Vicky
5PM We Need a Quorum to Get High
Vice-president #1, to vice-president #2: Now all we need is a bong and multiple partners!
37th Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
12PM This Is Making Me Hungry
Guy #1: Who was Chief then?
Guy #2: According to the record, Dick Eaton.
Guy #3: Wait. Dick Eaton? So if he were filling out a form today, last name first, he'd be...
Guy #1: You're right! Case closed, that says it all!
26 Federal Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: R. Smith
5PM That's a Little Old to Not Be Having Real Sex
Social worker: So I gave the kid my copy of the DSM so he could diagnose his dog, and when he brought the book back he asked me for some porn. I thought the book was a good starting point so he could help his dog, but I don't know about the porn. He is only 17.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
4PM Yep, PDA's Are Definitely What's Going to Precipitate the Second Coming
Older black lady, at a young couple kissing and groping in a line of people waiting to pay their power bills: What the hell is wrong with these peoples? Jesus needs to come down and knock some damn sense into their stupid motherfucking ass.
Nevada Power Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Annmarie
5PM I Hear They Get Great Benefits
Woman in suit: I'm doing prostitution now.
441 4th Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: David
11AM Before I Put It in Mothballs For the Summer
Warehouse worker: You look nice today. You going somewhere after this?
Girl in dress: No, I just wanted to air out my vagina.
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: warehouse peon
1PM And I Have Candy
Female worker about to take a walk: You sure you don't want to go with me?
Male worker: No.
Female worker: I'll go topless.
515 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Glad I'm not leaving my cube for another hour
12PM It's Pricey, But He's Worth It
Male co-worker #1: So what did you do for your birthday.
Male co-worker #2: Oh, the usual. Just some presents and breakfast in bed.
Female co-worker: My husband usually gets a blow job for his birthday.
Forbes Tower, University of Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM I've Been Waiting Years for You to Say That!
Woman on phone: I really wanna get you off tonight. [Pause] No, I mean call your manager and see if they need you to come in! Shut up, stop laughing!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sneaky pete
12PM It's the Color Your Heart Turns When You Reject God's Will
Sales manager: So as of our next issue, the logo will no longer be purple.
Rep: How come?
Sales manager: Because purple is associated with homosexuals.
Rep: I thought rainbow colors were the gay color tip-off?
Sales manager: No, it's purple. And I know that's true because that's what they paint their front doors.
Rep: I have never heard that. Why would they do that?
Sales manager: So they can identify themselves to each other.
Rep: Oh, I get it. So when they're driving around the city they can say, "Oh look, Dwayne, a purple door! Let's stop in and get some decorating tips!"
600 East Main Street
Louisville, KY
2PM What Else Am I Supposed to Do with a Tongue This Long?
Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!
810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York
1PM ...And You Can See In This Graph Here That Worker Output Is Strongly Correlated to Stern (But Loving) Whippings
Boss cleaning office: Oh, look. I found my whip.
83 East 4th Street
New York, NY
11AM I Banged Them Both, Though.
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Waiting Room
Girl #1: I use the pull and pray method.
Girl #2: Girl, pull and pray...they never do it. It doesn't work.
Girl #1: Yes it does! It just doesn't work ninety percent of the time.
45 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: not dating either of them
2PM Sexual Harassment
Secretary: So, the next time you shut the door to take one of your sex calls, I'm going to nail it closed!
311 Main Road
Point Mugu, California
Overheard by: mookie
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
9AM Back to Work
Partner #1: You're wearing a t-shirt?
Partner #2: It's not a t-shirt. It's designer.
Partner #1: Glad to see you're back in gay mode.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: new here
9AM Back to Work
Admin: It says here, "his marriage stopped due to alcohol and wanking too much."
Pause
Admin: Hold on...... maybe it says "working to much."
101 Whitechapel Road
London, UK
Overheard by: nurse
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM Lunch
Developer: "I'm sorry I gave you herpes." They have a card for everything.
8920 Pershall Avenue
Hazelwood, Missouri
2PM Routine Transaction
Teller: Sir, can you please send in your ID since you want to cash this check
Customer: Well, there's a problem. I lost my ID, but I can give you my social security number, birthday, and even tell you the last several transactions on my account to verify.
Teller: Ok, what's your birthday and social?
Customer: [gives information]
Teller: Ok, what were the last three charges on your account?
Customer: [gives information]
Teller: So...what's this $450 charge Passion Parties?
Customer: [Laughter] Uh, that's something my wife is involved in.
730 Adkins Boulevard
Jackson, Mississippi
Overheard by: Nathan Best
5PM That's a Wrap
Male developer: I want to make sure the data loaded correctly, pardon me if I'm a bit anal
Female project manager: I enjoy anal.
2025 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM Making Copies
Secretary: Why are these reports formatted so weird?
Boss: Well, because the Germans made them. Those Germans are weird.
Secretary: Hey, now... Be careful, I'm German.
Boss: Uh oh, you're not a lesbian too, are you?
Secretary: Well, I'm not really German.
Main Street Financial Office
East Hartford, Connecticut
10AM Coffee Break
The day after the company picnic. . .
Female clerk #1: Was that the new guy playing volleyball? You know the one that keeps trying to adjust his hours.
Manager: Maybe he just needs to wear a jock strap all the time.
Female clerk #2: Adjust his hours! His schedule! Everything is code for crotch to you!
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
11AM Tech Services
Director: Here's the travel laptop I'm returning. Can you delete some of the files I put on there?
IT Manager: Yeah, sure, I'll clean it out. I better not find any pubic hairs stuck in the keyboard.
1100 L Street NW
Washington, DC
1PM Deliverables Assessment
Employee: Is that why you broke up? No lobster, no nookie... I really didn't mean to say that so loud.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
3PM Snack Time
Male employee: I was sitting at my desk and I was thinking "There's something missing." And I was like, "Oh yeah! Nuts in my mouth."
1111 Lockheed Martin Way
Sunnyvale, California
3PM Decaf Break
Implementation person: I usually don't get pregnant from moving into a new apartment.
Operations person: But that's the first step, though.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Anchor: As long as it's not forced sodomy, it's okay.
524 West 57th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: News Bunny
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How do people get mirrors to stay on the ceiling?
Co-worker #2: Not sure.
Co-worker #3: We used rubber cement. We put up a few four foot square mirrors, without frames.
Co-worker #1: Rubber cement? Did it hold good?
Co-worker #3: They've stayed up for four years, but my husband is too afraid to have sex without being covered with a blanket. He thinks they might fall and cut his dick off.
4150 Belden Village Street NW
North Canton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kyosho
2PM Monitor Calls
Customer: Can you put directions for the delivery man on the label?
CSR: Sure.
Customer: Tell him to give it to me through the back door.
CSR: The back door?
Customer: Yeah.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Did you see the thing in the parking lot this morning?
Co-worker #2: No, what is it?
Co-worker #1: A huge dildo.
Co-worker #2: Did it fall out of someone's car?
1504 53rd Avenue West
Bradenton, Florida
11AM Internal Review Committee
Co-worker: I like it so much I say forget about the back end, let's do everything front end.
150 South 5th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Colleen Cauley
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: Bye, guys. See you tomorrow.
Worker #1: Who the fuck was that?
Worker #2: The new sales secretary; she took [Carrie]'s place.
Worker #1: Who the fuck is [Carrie]?
Worker #2: She took over for [Gretchen].
Worker #1: Oh, hell. I don't care about chicks' names. I only care if I'm sleeping with them. And then sometimes I have to get up and check their purse for ID.
1313 North Industrial Boulevard
Dallas, Texas
2PM Find My Hole Puncher--Again
Network Administrator: I'm like a successful pimp. I punch three hos at a time!
859 Cotting Court
Vacaville, California
10AM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: Ew!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: His internet history has porn on it!
Co-worker #2: Really?
Co-worker #1: Yeah!
Co-worker #2: Like what?
Co-worker #1: A whole bunch of free stuff from [Fleshbot].com. I can't believe this.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know...
Co-worker #1: I mean...I don't care if he does this at home, but not at this computer...We work in here!
Co-worker #2: Yeah...Sure...What was that site again?
41 West Clinton Avenue
Tenafly, New Jersey
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: There he goes, tossing his salad again. Isn't that a phrase? Doesn't that mean something? "Tossing the salad"?
Temp: Yes, it's a phrase.
Worker #1: But what does it mean? Is it like, "I'm gonna kick your ass"? "I'm gonna toss your salad"?
Temp: Um, not exactly.
Worker #2: Yeah, I've heard that, too. What does that mean? Do you know?
Temp: Yes, I know, but it's kind of inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh really? What does it mean?
Temp: It's inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh come on, just tell me.
Temp: Well, it's...analingus.
Worker #1: Oh. Really?
Worker #2: I never heard that.
Worker #1: "I'm gonna toss your salad". Huh.
Worker #3: ...If anyone was made uncomfortable by this conversation, come talk to me later.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Get ATM Fixed
Repairman on phone: Sometimes they bust out and you've got to give them oral...
1200 West Main Street
Tomball, Texas
Overheard by: Sarah Lashley
1PM Lunch
Health Exec: You working late?
Tech Exec: Nah, downloading porn. You?
Health Exec: Oh, you know it. Nursing administration porn. Woo-hoo!
Tech Exec: Send some my way. I'll send you some telecommunications porn.
Health Exec: "Oh baby, show me your phone. Let me see your router." Good times.
595 Market Street
San Francisco, California
2PM Double Team Meeting
VP: So are you ready to service me yet?
Peon: Yes, I am ready to pleasure you now.
VP: Sounds good; is [Alex] ready too?
[Alex]: Yes, m'lady, I too am ready to provide you my services.
VP: Let's go get started in the blue room, then.
8441 Wayzata Boulevard
Golden Valley, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sam Racadabra
11AM Work on RFP
Office Worker: This file won't unzip! Unzip, you! Dammit, unzip!
Supervisor: You should try sweet talking it a little bit. Maybe you should buy it dinner first.
105 North Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM Gerald's Birthday Thing
Trader: Happy 75th, old man! We got the pizza for your birthday.
Senior Trader: I would have rather gotten a blowjob.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Company Meeting
Employee #1: So you're saying the rumors about the possible merger aren't true?
Board Member: Yes. It's like we're dating. We're going out but we haven't kissed yet.
Employee #2: You may not have kissed yet, but it sure seems like you're sleeping together.
1500 Wallace Boulevard
Amarillo, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
4PM Get Mass Mailer Ready
Colleague: You can't pay to stuff that. I mean, that's a handjob at best.
1150 City View Street
Eugene, Oregon
3PM Smoke Break
Manager: Did you just hear that catfight? Everyone is stressed. We need to go do something fun.
Co-worker: Yeah. We need to go drinking and then they need to take off their clothes and have a pillow fight.
3755 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
12PM Development Update
Programmer #1: How do I turn on logging in the web application?
Programmer #2: Talk dirty to it.
5450 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado
9AM TGIF
VP: Everyone's getting pregnant here.
Co-worker: By the way, I'm going to be pregnant and gay on Monday.
1850 Elm Hill Pike
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: V. Schipani
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: All we ever talk about in this office is food. It is
always in the conversation.
Co-worker #2: Well, it is at every social occasion, and we center our lives around it in a way.
Co-worker #1: We should all become prostitutes so our conversations
center around our sexual liaisons rather then food.
2601 4th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
2PM Mail Packages
UPS: I've got a big one for you today!
Office Manager: Ooh! I'll take it!
10801 Main Street
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Jeni Gonzales
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
1PM Lunch
CSR: You know sometimes when you blow, you can feel it in your throat?
Secretary: No, I don't blow that hard.
CSR: Well, I blow hard and I can feel it sometimes. It sucks.
541 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S Dropper
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Suit #1: How did your glasses break?
Suit #2: A big girl sat on them.
Suit #1: Next time take them off your face first.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM They're At It Again
Co-worker #1: Don't you think the enter key is kind of phallic? You know--how it's all "enter" with an arrow pointing?
Co-worker #2: Huh. Yeah. Weird.
Co-worker #1: And there's the backspace button too. Arrow points the same way.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, maybe that's so gay people don't feel left out?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Cubicle #1: I seriously just saw the churchy lady feel some guy up right now.
Cubicle #2: What?
Cubicle #1: Yeah. he looked horrified too.
Cubicle #2: Huh. What kind of "feeling up" are we talking here?
Cubicle #1: I'll show you when I go down there.
Cubicle #3: Sounds good.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Did you know that the egg yolk was never able to be a chicken unless it's fertilized?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I mean, like eating this hard-boiled egg is like eating the eggs that you expel during your period.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, like right now I mean, you could get down and just lap it up.
845 United Nations Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sharon
5PM Out of Here
Manager: You hear her? Usually, she says, "I'm coming", and I say "So is Christmas." But now I guess I could say, "So is", uh, "the Fourth of July."
11400 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
12PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I have to crawl under this desk so much my knees hurt.
Co-worker #2: Oh, so that's why you got promoted.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Clinical Services Manager: I hate it when my email is full of porn!
Clinical Services Assistant: Well, at least it's not kiddie porn.
Clinical Services Manager: Wait, they make porn with cats in it now?
999 Home Plaza
Waterloo, Iowa
Overheard by: RicaChica
12PM Meeting with HR
Supervisor: I didn't just say that to him because he's gay, I would've said the same thing to you.
Worker: Oh yeah? How do you know I'm not gay?
Supervisor: I don't. Are you?
Worker: Yes.
Supervisor: Okay then, have a nice day...
716 West Genesee Street
Syracuse, New York
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: There is only so much you can do with one hand.
Co-worker: I'm not going to touch that.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Suit #1: Over on 49th, there's a truck parked with a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis. It's to promote Cancun.
Suit #2: For you it's to promote a heart attack.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Meeting at ASPCA
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn't check the plumbing, if that's what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it's a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
4PM Clean Up Hard Drive
Copy Editor: Hi, [Marco]. You just missed the porn.
Art Director: What?
Copy Editor: I'm serious. There was porn but I just deleted it. Spam. Usually they take out the pictures...
Art Director: Why didn't I get the porn?
6100 Center Drive
Los Angeles, California
2PM Briefing
Marketing Manager: We have to prepare for the unexpected. For example, there was the one time last summer when AT&T went down on me for five painful hours, and there was just nothing we could do about it.
111 River Street
Hoboken, New Jersey
10AM Marketing Session
Co-worker #1: Are Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs homoerotic?
Co-worker #2: Oh my god. Totally!
Co-worker #1: But they aren't gay, right?
Co-worker #2: What do you think homoerotic means?
584 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Order Covers
Co-worker on phone: Hi [Victor], I was just calling about the new nano covers. They are priced the same and everything but one comes with a little white strap and the other comes with a big black one...So it's just the customer's choice whether they want a big black one or a little white one?
432 St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Data Monkey
4PM Call [Kwok]
Supervisor: Don't forget to call [Kwok]. He's got a couple of huge boxes and I think they're computers.
Admin: Which one is [Kwok]?
Supervisor: The short Asian guy.
Admin on phone: Hi [Kwok], it's [Jane]. I just wanted to let you know you have a huge package.
470 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Back Up Hard Drive
Student: Can you back up my papers and stuff?
Technician: Sure, how much is there?
Student: About four gigabytes...it's mostly porn but there are some papers mixed in there somewhere.
16 Petrarca Drive
Kent, Ohio
5PM That's Enough for Today
Suit #1: Oh, fucking great. This is how-- [Jon] is getting married. And I have to sign this stupid card along with everyone else like--
Suit #2: Wow, hostile much? We barely know him.
Suit #1: Oh, I know his fiancee quite...ugh, never mind.
71 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Intern hears all
10AM Guest Presentation
Receptionist: [Steve], I thought about you today when the speaker started talking about anal sex.
1000 Hilltop Circle
Catonsville, Maryland
11AM Drop Off Legal Files
Defendant: Judge, my probation officer says I was drinking. I told him I wasn't! I told him he could blow me.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Time for Happy Hour
Co-worker #1: Not only am I supposed to be meeting this hot guy at the bar tonight, but we're celebrating [Darren] passing his bar exam! It's going to be wild.
Co-worker #2: Well, if you're smiling tomorrow morning we'll know how it all went.
Co-worker #1: Hell, if the night goes as expected, I won't even be walking straight tomorrow morning.
1218 Webster Avenue
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
12PM Handle Customer Complaints
CSR: Ma'am, my system is backed up and my computer is going down on me.
300 Rosewood Drive
Danvers, Massachusetts
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
12PM Hire New Secretary
Attorney: I have a small problem.
Secretary: Well, you have to work with what God gave you.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
2PM System is Down; Call IT
IT: Okay, try it now.
The problem solved, it works.
Call Center: Wait, wait, wait. Don't start jerking each other off just yet...We still have to test one other thing.
101 Empty Saddle Trail
Hailey, Idaho
1PM Run Out and Get Prescription Filled
Pharmacist #1: Wow, this chair is really great! Whose chair is this?
Pharmacist #2: It belongs to [Dana]. Isn't it great? He got it for his back or something.
[Dana]: You have no idea how many people I had to sleep with to get that chair!
800 28th Street E
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Go Through Resumes
Manager: Look at this, this lady put "dictaphone" under skills on their resume.
Worker: What? A dickaphone? Was she a phone sex operator?
1402 Harborside Drive
Galveston, Texas
Overheard by: ladyinthemidst
10AM Check E-mail
Project Manager: I can only imagine what has been coming in my box...My email box.
1137 North 26th Street
Sheboygan, Wisconsion
Overheard by: Chris O'Brien
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Will someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with [Josh]? When he gets up in the morning does he have some kind of funhouse mirror? Does he fucking see Tom Cruise when he looks in the mirror in the morning? Because when I look at him I just see an asshole.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: He is bullshiting everyone and saying he slept with the new CSR.
Co-worker #2: Does it really matter? She don't speak English!
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
3PM Coffee Break
Banker: You can't leave your coffee cup on the edge of my desk. A client almost drank out of it today.
Secretary: You know you want to lick my rim.
2 South Main Street
Youngstown, Ohio
12PM Conference Call
Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don't, but I'm sure [Sarah] can show you.
W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Dude
2PM Don't Check Email
Computer jockey: What is fisting? And what do you think it means when a man is emailing you pictures of naked boys?
25 West 4th Street
New York, NY
11AM Conference
CSR: Here's the agenda. You'll notice my name is missing from the list because I plan on going home at 4PM.
Admin: I notice [Dawn] isn't on the list either.
CSR: That's because I figure wherever I put her on the list, she'll end up under the guy's table anyway.
3601 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Coordinator
4PM Another Day Draws to a Close
Co-worker #1: Okay guys, I'll see you next week. I'm heading off to Tennessee to see relatives.
Co-worker #2: Well, don't hook up with anybody.
456 North Kimball Place
Boise, Idaho
11AM Sitdown with HR
Worker #1: Hey, do you have a sec?
Worker #2: Sure, I have lots of secs.
16101 North 82nd Street
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Cancel Stripper/Look for Stripper
Co-worker #1: Do you know any strippers?
Co-worker #2: Um...
Co-worker #1: No, I mean people who can strip paint.
640 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed
Graphic Designer: So let me know when you can get me that FreeHand job, I'm not busy today.
Art Director: No problem.
650 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM On That Note, It's the Weekend
Co-worker #1: What is a good exercise for the lower abs?
Co-worker #2: Well, I can think of one exercise that's really good for the abs...
Co-worker #3: yeah, but only if he can last longer than 5 minutes.
The copy repairman pops out from under the copier.
Repairman: Well ladies, it's been an entertaining afternoon.
8565 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway
Portland, Oregon
2PM Install Small/Big File Cabinets
Worker: I ordered the 7 inch folders.
Boss: We don't need 7 inches; that's big.
Worker: 7 inches isn't big at all, it's really small.
975 Merriam Avenue
Leominster, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Crystal Geslak
4PM Finalize Contracts with New Account
Vendor: Hey, can you do me a huge favor?
Boss: Sure, what do you need?
Vendor: I am trying to land this account, and the guy won't sign with me unless you sleep with him.
Boss: I am not going to sleep with him! Wait a second, is he cute? Does he have lots of money?
Vendor: No.
Boss: Well, okay but just this once.
3663 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Rick
2PM Pick Up Package
Co-worker: Let me grab that package later since, right now, I'm double-fisting.
11400 W. Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
11AM Order Industrial-strength Lubricant
Engineer on phone: I cracked my first manhole at thirteen.
20 Crosby Drive
Bedford, Massachusetts
2PM Confirm Arrival Time for Ambassadors
Woman: So I had sex with the older guy.
Man: What? When was that?
Woman: Like a couple weeks ago.
Man: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You didn't even text me...you know, I e-mail you all my sex.
United Nations
New York, NY
12PM Brainstorm Ad Campaign
Salesperson #1: Violence is okay...just as long as no one is enjoying it.
Salesperson #2: What about spanking?
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Effina
10AM Architects Meeting
Designer: So, there's two kinds of erections, right?
40 24th Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
10AM Reschedule Construction
Co-worker: No, no, on the second floor they're screwing; on the first floor they're banging.
251 Donald Street
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, I'll promise BJs to his bosses for life if it means he gets the job!
Co-worker #2: I can't believe that came from sweet, innocent, you!
Co-worker #1: I'm pretty dirty...hey, I do have gay friends!
8000 Bent Branch Drive
Irving, Texas
2PM Work on Thanksgiving Catalog
Co-worker #1: Is that a boob?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I think it is.
Co-worker #1: There aren't any appropriate pictures of Native Americans!
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM Distribute Nameplates
Co-worker #1: Peter? Since when do you go by Peter?
Pete: Well, it was a more formal thing, so we used that.
Co-worker #1: I'm not used to seeing Peter.
Co-worker #2: That's not what we heard.
5450 Frantz Road
Dublin, Ohio
5PM Requisition Tools
Co-worker: Hey, I need a good long screw. Do you have one I could use?
1361 Pearl Street
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: brain girl
10AM Sensitivity Class
Employee #1: Yeah, I made out with girls when I was younger.
Employee #2: You did?
Employee #3: No way!
Boss: You know, that's a Jewish thing.
Employee #2: What?
Boss: Yes, a lot of Jewish girls I know have fooled around with their girlfriends or are, you know, lesbians.
6 E. 32nd Street
New York, NY
2PM Fill Out Questionnaire
Woman: I hate working here. It makes me want to throw my morals out the window, and become a slut.
Co-worker: A slut...There's an image for you.
Woman: I don't mean I want to be a slut. I just want to know what all these people are like in bed. No one small, of course.
Co-worker: So you'll be handing out a questionnaire?
56 59 Junction
Baldwin City, Kansas
2PM Call HR
VP Sales: Don't tell Human Resources I said this, okay, but these chocolates are gay.
5 W. Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Porn Sushi Class
Secretary: There's one class called "How to Shoot a Porno."
Employee: What?
Secretary: Yeah, it's girl-on-girl. I called to ask if we could get a group discount, but it's been cancelled due to a scheduling conflict.
Employee: Wow.
Secretary: There's another class, "How to make sushi"...
845 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
9AM It's Like I Never Left
Guy #1: How was your weekend?
Guy #2: Good. I ran some errands. I got my car waxed and sodomized.
33 Maiden Lane
New York, NY
4PM The Long Weekend is Finally Here
Co-worker #1: I'm taking the rest of the day off to play with my friend.
Co-worker #2: Thanks for that, but I really don't need to know your taking the rest of the day off to masturbate.
370 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
12PM See If Jack Came
Man #1: Jack off today?
Man #2: No, not yet.
1 Air Cargo Parkway E
Swanton, Ohio
10AM Order an iPod
Woman: So you only listen to the Cardigans on your iPod while you work?
Man: Yeah, they make me feel like a 16 year old girl just after a hot shower, fresh and tingly all over.
1111 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
8AM Their Bedroom Banter is Annoyingly Vapid
Co-worker #1: ...no, the cervix is attached to the uterus, but it's not the uterus, the uterus is different--
Co-worker #2: You guys have the best conversations first thing in the morning.
Co-worker #3: You just missed the bit about the penis.
Co-worker #2: No, I didn't.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Ah Yes, "The Eddie Murphy Principle"
Office Manager: How do you go out to lunch and come back with a huge cucumber?
Employee: How do men go out at night and come back with hookers?
Office Manager: Huh?
Employee: It's the same basic principle.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
1PM I Hear They Chain Them to Their Workstations
Co-worker #1: Where's our IT department out of?
Co-worker #2: Woodland Hills, the valley, by LA. Porn capital of the world. They work for us by day, and then by night...
Co-worker #1: Maybe that's why they're so cranky all the time. They don't get any sleep at night.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Lewis Samuels
8AM Sounds Like She Should Be in Jury Tampering
Paralegal: Good afternoon, [Law Firm name]. How may I help you?
Partner: Wow...Wow. You've got, like, a 1-900 phone voice. We're gonna have to take you off the receptionist rotation. Don't want to give our criminal clients the wrong impression.
600 East Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
3PM It Depends on the Location of His Mouth
IT guy: Here, can you hold the microphone while he talks?
Account Manager: Sure. But can you tell me, what's the sensitive part here? Is it just the tip? Or the whole head?
155 N. Pfingsten Road
Deerfield, Illinois
5PM You've Got All Weekend to Find One, Folks
Editor #1: I don't know why that French reporter couldn't find a transgendered person. It's not like transgendered people are a rare species that you can't find anywhere.
Editor #2: Maybe she didn't know where to look.
Editor #1: What do you mean, "where to look"? Transgendered people are everywhere.
487 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
2PM There Goes the Dream of Olympic Gold...Showers
Co-worker #1: I just got this great book you should read. It's got
everything you always wanted to know about sex. It's got pictures and
positions and everything.
Co-worker #2: Books are for amateurs. When it comes to sex I'm a pro.
1215 2nd Avenue
Nashville, Tennessee
9PM Plan B is Circumcision
Attorney: I'm not going to have a homosexual affair just to get some cases!
220 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: brokensiren
12AM That's About As Funny As I'd Expect a CEO to Get
VP: It's not working. I can't get it up. I can't get it up.
CEO: They make a pill for that now, you know.
28 Crescent Street
Middletown, Connecticut
7PM I Suppose It Comes with the Position
Conference call guru: There are a few master brands out there to look to.
Co-worker #1: I'd love to be a masterbrander.
Co-worker #2: Then we could say, "Hey, what's she doing behind the desk?"
Co-worker #3: "Looks like she's masterbranding."
2010 Warsaw Road
Roswell, Georgia
7AM He Knows Exactly Which Button to Push, and When
Employee #1: He doesn't do anything, but he makes great presentations.
Employee #2: He gives good slide?
Employee #1: Exactly.
600 Technology Park Drive
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jeff Dietz
7PM Yes, Missing Innuendo is Very Immature
Guy #1: After I'm through with her, she'll be walking bowlegged for a week!
Guy #2: Is she going to be helping you with the construction job?
Guy #1: Do you even know what I'm talking about? Jeez, you gotta grow up!
2121 Ala Wai Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
12AM Here I Thought Retrosexual Meant Bettie Page
Engineer #1: ASCII porn?
Engineer #2: Yeah, it's sweet.
1 Federal Street
Camden, New Jersey
6AM Back to the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: Large men have dick dos. You want to know what large women have?
Woman #2: I don't know, what?
Woman #1: Gunts.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
7PM She Meant "Even If I Were a Lady"
Female Co-worker: Even if I was a woman, I wouldn't put a Chippendales calender on my desk.
12602 W. Bridger Street
Boise, Idaho
7AM It's Getting Cold in Here / So Take Off All Your Clothes
Woman #1: It has been freezing in here today!
Woman #2: You know why they keep the AC turned up so high, don't you?
Woman #1: To keep us alert?
Woman #2: No...for the headlights.
Woman #1: Headlights?
1 World Financial Center
New York, NY
8AM Permission to Approach the Bench and Lift That Robe
Court clerk: Next docketed matter, Wood v. City. Anybody have Wood? If you have Wood, bring it up here.
50 West Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Larry
6PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Have a Great Weekend
A Russian developer on the trading floor leans back in his chair, stretches his arms back, turns his head as he yawns, checks out the clock, then says, very loudly: 5 o'clock--time for porn!
270 Park Avenue
New York, NY
6AM Everything's Upside Down in Oz
Co-worker 1: ...they're always very nice people, though.
Co-worker 2: Who are?
Co-worker 1: Gay people. Very good linedancers.
Civic Drive
Greensborough, Melbourne
Australia
6AM The Unhappiest of Endings
Co-worker #1: There's a massage therapist in my building.
Co-worker #2: Do you think she's a prostitute?
Co-worker #1: I don't think so. She lives with her parents.
251 W. 57th Street
New York, NY
12PM We Love Overheard Office Gossip
Head of HR: I bet you he's [the COO] a total virgin. Probably even a hand virgin.
402 Pacific Avenue
San Francisco, California
8AM The Email Never Came
Girl tech: We are blocking emails to our customers with the word disbursement in it because of "semen".
Head tech dude: Semen?
Guy tech #1: Are you sure semen isn't somewhere else?
Guy tech #2: Semen? Like the nasty stuff?
Head tech dude: We'll have to adjust the filter, we are blocking reimbursement too.
Girl tech: Jeez, this blocking could cause all sorts of problems.
9001 Shelbyville Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Andy Goss
4PM It's Not Like They Need Volunteers, Guys
Co-worker #1: Hey guys, there's a comedy show next week to benefit breast research.
Co-worker #2: Breast research?!
Co-workers #3 & #4: Breast research?
Co-worker #1: sorry, I meant breast cancer research.
Co-worker #2: That's totally different!
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
12AM Behind the Scenes: At the Publishers Conference
Lady Executive: I don't even want to hear from you, Stewart. You know you fucked me on that paper deal. You fucked me hard and you didn't even kiss me.
2233 King Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Next Big Thing
4PM That's Really Up to Her
Lady: ...and I told [Jeff] that I had really expected at least six inches last night.
1600 Oakley Park Road
Walled Lake, Michigan
12AM Attention HR Department: Go Get Your Guns
Boss: So I hear you had a record streak of sleeping with 16 straight women on the first date.
Worker: Yes.
Boss: So what did you do to #17 who broke the streak?
Worker: I slapped her.
Boss: Wow.
450 7th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy, Redux
In a meeting: Providers only terminate their contracts for one of two reasons: Pay or Other.
At a bar with a friend: You know, I was diagnosed as a genius as a child and I think that is why I don't get along with her; I don't get along with other geniuses. That is why I think you and I are such good friends.
In response to an email: Ya know, I have tracking on this, and as usual, I am completely embarrassed.
[Bonus: found in coworker's personal ad: Things that turn me on: Thunderstorms]
522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Breanna Freeman
8AM If Karen Only Knew
Coworker: If anyone's looking for me, I'm going to go to the men's room and give it to Karen.
(Over the sounds of laughter, I saw him holding a document he was going to drop off his way to the bathroom.)
4 Washington Avenue Ext.
Albany, NY
Overheard by: Patrick George
4PM As Long As It Goes In Right
Guy #1: Can I look down your pile? The pile under your desk?
Guy #2: Uh...
Guy #1: Wow, that came out wrong.
120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
6AM Masturbation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery
Expert Publicist #1: You know what,ya did a shitty job of selling that to the client.
Expert Publicist #2: What're ya talking about?
Expert Publicist #1: You know, what ya gotta do, ya gotta sell it, ya gotta masturbate his brain.
Expert Publicist #2: What?
Expert Publicist #1: Well if you don't wanna do it, I'll masturbate him!
11 Stone Street
New York, NY
