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12PM Well, What Are My Choices?
Worker bee #1: Have you ever been constipated?
Worker bee #2: Not severely.
Worker bee #1: Oh, it's horrible! I hate it! I would rather have diarrhea!
Worker bee #2: No, you wouldn't.
Worker bee #1: Oh, yes, I would! At least then you know there's going to be an end to it... It wears out.
Worker bee #2: Yeah, but with diarrhea you could have an accident.
Worker bee #1: Well, I didn't say that it was a choice between being constipated and having an accident. You don't alwayshave an accident.
110 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jaime
11AM Much of What We Learn about Our Colleagues Should Be Forgotten
Developer: Oh, man... I got caught in the wave of girl-fart... It smelled like a mixture of diarrhea poopie and menstrual cycle!
State and Water Streets
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
10AM Next Time, I Think I'll Outsource
Woman in stall: I can do it... I know I can do it! ... I did it! [Flush.]
Third bathroom stall over
San Dimas, California
Overheard by: badfishey
10AM He Asked What I Thought of Our New Mission Statement
Analyst #1: I pooped next to the CEO today.
Analyst #2: Like, in his office?
1 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!
Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!
Plymouth, Michigan
10AM So, in Summary, I'm Sorry about Your Desk
Male coworker: The first time I shit in school was in eleventh grade. It was during Chemistry, after gym class. It was on that day I became a man. Since then I'll shit anywhere, basically.
1372 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: ILmatic
10AM Could and Have
New chef: I gotta take a dump.
Waiter: There's no toilet seat in the employee bathroom.
New chef: Dude, I just got out of jail after five years. I could shit in a pickle bucket in the middle of our dining room and it wouldn't bother me.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM Well, It's in the Decontamination Chamber Right Now...
Boss: Did you find mail in the bathroom?
Intern: Yeah, is it yours?
Boss: Yeah, I left it there on purpose.
Intern: Do you want me to put it back?
Boss: No, I'll take it now, please.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
9AM Inconvenient, but True
Chick: I can't pee when the janitor is in there.
Dude: What, it throws you off? Try peeing while Al Gore is peeing right next to you on his phone. I usually just turn around and walk right back out.
King Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: misnomer
3PM Boss: And Take Some Work with You!
Cube rat #1: Hey, does it smell like poop over here?
Cube rat #2: What?
Cube rat #1: I farted -- it smells bad over here.
Cube rat #2: That's so gross, dude!
Cube rat #1: I have too much work to do! I don't have time to go to the bathroom!
Cube rat #2: Go to the bathroom!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked
Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand.
Lawyer: What's your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that... I'd help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won't you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn't wash your hands. That's just disgusting.
725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM Why There's a Mother's Day
Woman checking child's diaper: I just stuck my finger in your poop! Now I'll have to bleach my hand.
2401 Utah Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: lastikgirl
4PM How to Get 25 Hours Out of Your Day
Old lady to another: Sometimes when I'm out in the garden and I have to go, instead of walking all the way to the bathroom I just go in my pants and drop them in the washing machine on the way inside.
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disgusted in Stall #1
3PM And Flicking Them at Another Toddler
Photo person cleaning out pump nozzle of green hand sanitizer: This is just like picking boogers out of a toddler!
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
10AM I Haven't Been Near a Moon for Years
Old guy unzipping at urinal: The eagle has landed.
Guy at other urinal: What does that mean?
Old guy: I don't know.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: guy at urinal #4
9AM What an Interesting and Alarming Theory
Boss exiting stall: I have to wipe piss off the floor at least five times a day!
Employee at urinal: Some people must shake it too hard.
Boss: They just plain miss the shot into the urinal. One time I came in here and someone had pissed all over on the floor, under the stall.
Employee: [Silence.]
Boss: You know when someone jacks off and they don't get it all out? It dries up. When you go to take your first piss after jacking off the stream gets split and it goes all over the place.
Employee: [Silence.]
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Horrified Handwasher
12PM Oh My God, You Are Walking It!
Suit on cell: Can I call you back in a minute? I'm about to, uh, walk the lizard. Okay, bye.
Guy in stall: It's 'drain the lizard,' you idiot.
534 Broad Hollow Road
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
3PM Lube and Oil Change?
Voice on PA: Can we get a customer service in the women's room?
Safeway
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: mind in the gutter
12PM Mutual Assured Destruction
UPS guy: I think you would be pretty surprised by my stool attack.
4140 Clemmons Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Fellow UPS Employee
10AM Captain Obvious Has Bowel Movements, Too
Guy in stall #1: Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay. You still wanna do that today?
Massive eruption occurs from next stall.
Guy in stall #2: Huh? Oh, that... I'm taking a shit right now...
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
1PM On the Plus Side, I Got Almost All the Way Through My Signature
Female coworker: I pulled my butt muscle taking a whiz!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
12PM Toilet Designer: A Clear-Cut Case of User Error
Guy exiting bathroom: I hate it when I go to the bathroom and the back of my pants gets wet!
Cottage Grove, Wisconsin
Overheard by: My Pants are Dry
5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter
Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.
In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
12PM Squatters' Rights, Dude
Employee #1: Do you go in the bathroom like that?
Barefoot employee: Yeah, but I sit down. It's much cleaner in there.
Employee #2: Wait, did you just admit that you sit down to pee?
1 Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
4PM He's Been Burned Before
Skank: Can I use your bathroom?
Clerk: Only if you promise not to pee on the floor.
Skank: Okay.
7-Eleven, Westmoreland Street and Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lane In Richmond
3PM Just Left a Job in Urophilia, Pennsylvania
Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!
Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you're refusing the drug test?
Job applicant #1: Oh, it's just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM And Yet, Pee Does Nothing for My Coffee
Girl exiting bathroom: Coffee makes my pee smell funny.
1000 Hilltop Circle
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM Different Day, Same Shit
Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.
7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: mac774
9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes
Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!
Manitoba
Canadia
11AM Reagan: The Hidden Diaries
Employee on phone: Did you poop? Did you poop today? Will you poop with me when I get home? Okay, we'll poop together when I get home.
New York, New York
4PM A Misguided Attempt to Assert Alpha Female Status
Female coworker #1: Are your poops big?
Female coworker #2: Well, I don't exactly examine...
Female coworker #1: Well, compare your big poop to something in real life.
Female coworker #2: This is ridiculous.
Female coworker #1: No, I'm serious.
Female coworker #2: I don't know, an egg?
Female coworker #1: How many eggs?
Female coworker #2: Three, four?
Female coworker #1: Well, my big poop is like the size of a Nalgene water bottle.
Gladstone Avenue & Galena Boulevard
Aurora, Illinois
Overheard by: Just Trying to Eat My Lunch
9AM But Here's One for the Record Books...
Boss: I smell fart.
Male coworker: Yeah, I smell fart.
Female coworker: It smells like fart.
Male coworker: Did you fart?
Boss: Did you fart?
Female coworker: No. I would fart but that one wasn't mine.
8531 Olive Blvd
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: The Girl
2PM Well, I Do Have a Master's in Evacuation
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
355 North Euclid Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
1PM He's Manager for a Reason
Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM He Whizzed Through Med School
Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.
York Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: the other assistant
11AM She Took a Really Big Pas de Deux
Employee: The ballerina broke the toilet.
1228 Egypt Road
Oaks, Pennsylvania
9AM The Only Way to Eat a Meatball Sub Without Getting Any on Your Necktie
Art director: I do it over the toilet bowl, and when I'm done, it looks like there's a dead animal in there.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
12PM Mainstreaming Dung-Beetle-Americans in the Public Schools May Have Been a Mistake
Teacher #1: I can't teach this kid anymore.
Teacher #2: Why?
Teacher #1: He can't keep his hands out of his pants.
Teacher #2: So?
Teacher #1: Look, do I have to spell it out? He doesn't know the difference between shit and food.
Teacher #2: Oh my god, I'm gonna barf.
Teacher #1: Not around this kid. He might thinks it's a snack.
3035 Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: don't want to eat the food
5PM For Your Comfort and Safety, Remember That Kids Are Pretty Literal
School social worker, to kindergartner on lap: So what happened right before you ran out of your classroom?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: What do you mean, you're peeing?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: [jumps up, displaying huge wet spot on her pants]
Kindergartner: I TOLD you I was peeing.
5130 Roxbury Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Fair warning given
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
5PM It's Been Oolong Time Since I Embarrassed Myself Like That
Agent: Oh, now I remember why I don't usually drink pee. It always makes me have to go to the washroom... Tea. Tea! I meant tea!... Fuck you all.
1616 27th Avenue Northeast
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Overheard by: Didn't believe him
11AM Who Wants to Work in a Dump Like This Anyway?
Manager: We're going to have to let you go.
Employee: I didn't do nothin'!
Manager: I personally caught you defecating into the employee bathroom sink.
Employee: The toilet was filthy!
95 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Jeez, You Don't Leave Me Much Room to Maneuver
Co-Worker #1: Hey, I got a new joke. Anyone want to hear it?
Co-Worker #2: Not if it involves poop.
Co-Worker #3: Or chickens.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: disturbed
5PM Mom, Don't Even Mention the Hoo-Hoo Zone
Mother: Sweetie, do you need to pee-pee?
3-Year-Old girl: Mom, why do you call it that? It's piss!
12350 Jefferson Avenue
Newport News, Virginia
12PM That's Different From What He Said Last Week at the Office Party
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Employee asks involved question.
Boss: You know what? I have a million questions that you cannot answer.
Employee: But you asked if anyone had any questions.
Boss: Yeah, and if I asked if anyone had to go to the bathroom, I wouldn't expect you to whip it out and take a whiz right here.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Spacing Out
9AM Unless I Can Watch
Boss: You may not spend an hour in the bathroom.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM God, I Hate Snobs
Co-Worker on phone: I do not want to poop in my pants!...I'm way too fucking classy for that.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
9AM Tragically, This Misinformation Prevented Debbie From Having Her Bullet Wound Treated
Employee #1: I went to the bathroom and I have a big hole, right in the middle of my crotch.
Employee #2: We all do, sweetie. It's called a vagina.
1907 West Sycamore Street
Kokomo, Indiana
Overheard by: vagina warrior
2PM It Goes Well With Jack Daniels
Lady: See, I had taken my urine down to the cafeteria.
500 Indiana Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: David
4PM I Find If I Don't Make Plans for the Weekend, I Just Sit Around and Watch TV
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I've had, I'm getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
9AM Does "I Was Taking a Crap on the Laser Printer" Count as an Alibi?
Cleaning guy: Who peed in the trash can this time?
5780 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM Ergonomics Seminar
HR clerk: Maureen* broke another chair. Should I order her another chair designed for a person over three hundred pounds, or should I order an even stronger chair?
Manager: No! I am going to tell the maintenance guys to put her desk up on blocks! Then, I am going to tell Maureen that her job description has changed! She is now required to stand up to do her job!
[manager leaves]
HR clerk: Well, it is not going to be me that tells him that one of the toilets in the women's restroom is broken.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Office Prank
Employee #1: I saw you run to the bathroom. So I followed you in and heard you frantically trying to put the protective cover on the seat.
Employee #2: Yeah. And?
Employee #1: Then I shut the light off.
Employee #2: Oh that was you? Well just so you know, I'm a master at pooping in the dark.
6255 Sunset Boulevard
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Ron
1PM System Overload
CSR on phone: Help desk, this is James*.
[pause]
CSR: I am sorry, this is the PC and phone help desk. Sounds like you need the facilities help desk if a toilet is stopped up.
[pause]
CSR: Okay sir, I understand, but you need facilites, not the help desk.
[long pause]
CSR: Okay, is it a Windows toilet or a Unix toilet?
Customer, now on speakerphone: Well, there are no windows in this bathroom, so I guess it must be a Unix toilet.
CSR: Okay, I will get a Unix toilet specialist there as soon as we can. Which building and bathroom is it?
[pause]
CSR: Thanks.
[CSR hangs up]
CSR back on phone: Hello, facilities? This is James at the PC help desk. Yeah, I have a doozy for you...try not to laugh...
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
1PM Bathroom Break
Coworker: You can totally tell who's in the next toilet cubicle by the sound of the shit when it hits the water.
Harbour Esplanade
Melbourne, Australia
11AM Ladies Room
Librarian #1: Is that you, Chelsea*?
Librarian #2: Yes.
Librarian #1: Oh good. I thought I waved to the wrong person.
Librarian #2: Oh, I didn't see you wave.
Librarian #1, exasperated: Well I did it under the stall.
Librarian #2: I was looking at the wall.
Librarian #1, still exasperated: Well, let me do it again then.
401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Proof Positive
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Thanks for the coffee. You didn't pee in it or anything, right?
Employee #2: Oh my god, you are like my freaking wife!
101 15th Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Take Out the Trash
Biller: Um, you know maintenance guys are working in our bathrooms and there is a line of people waiting in the hallway bathroom? Could you, like, do something about it?
Receptionist: Uh, sure, I'll get right on that for you.
Biller: I'll just go back to my desk and pee in my trash can.
1200 Princess Anne Street
Fredericksburg, Virginia
10AM Clean Up Cube
Agent: Wow, I sure do have a lot of shit in my drawers!
5512 - 4th Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: Ew, I just walked through someone's fart cloud.
4575 Ruffner Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Olivia Gomez
1PM Lunch
Employee: I have to go to the restroom and grab a bite to eat.
1800 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
Urinal #1: I am going home for the day. Take care, you have a good one.
Urinal #2: Thanks; I didn't even know you were looking.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM Back to Work
Attorney: Did you spray the air freshener after you used the bathroom?
Secretary: ...We're getting to know each other too well in this office.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Tuck Tabler
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: I told you not to shit in the bathroom.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, what are you doing down here?
Co-worker #2: Going to take a dump.
2800 Rock Creek Parkway
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Who was in the bathroom just a minute ago?
Co-worker #2: I don't know.
Co-worker #1: Someone was in there taking a dump, and I could see under the stall that he had his shoes off.
Co-worker #2: Wait, like barefoot?
Co-worker #1: Well, with his socks on. Who would take their shoes off, though?
Co-worker #3: I don't know, but I think I might start doing that. Not a bad idea!
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Server Upgrades
Server support: The server is still taking errors?
Network support: Okay?
Server support: Did you run the new cable we asked for?
Network Support: Yes.
Server support: Are you sure you ran it to the correct server?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: Did you test the cable?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: How did you test it?
Network support: I farted on one end and I could smell it on the other.
1600 Dublin Road
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Bathroom Break
Clerk #1: My bladder hurts.
Clerk #2: What for?
Clerk #1: I was holding it all morning, and then I finally went, and now it's been hurting.
Clerk #2: You probably shouldn't do that. Your bladder can explode, you know.
49275 Electron Drive
San Diego, California
11AM Call Building Management--Urgent
Receptionist: Hey everyone, tomorrow the building management is changing the bathrooms codes to 6-1-5.
Co-worker #1: But...we don't have a 6.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, the buttons only go up to 5.
Co-worker #1: Is the building management trying to tell us we're not allowed to pee any more?
2425 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
2PM Call Maintenance
Co-worker: I found three turds this morning. Do we have someone who comes and takes care of that?
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: So I said to myself, "Oh look, the bathrooms in building 12 have yellow tiles." Then I saw the urinals.
1110 American Parkway NE
Allentown, Pennsylvania
3PM Pee Party
Manager #1: I was looking for you.
Manager #2: All right. Well I gotta go to the bathroom so give me a minute.
Manager #1: I do too; I'll just come with you.
Worker: Hey guys, can I come too?
Manager #2: Sure, everyone can come. Come on everyone, we're having a pee party!
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Call Maintenance Deptartment
Woman on phone: You need to have someone come by and fix the fan in the men's restroom. If that thing is not working, we are dead, baby!
Kirtland Air Force Base
Albuquerque, New Mexico
5PM I'm Sick of Work
Worker: Someone left puke in the toilet. I swear, bulimia should be illegal.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Hey, what are you doing?
Co-worker #2: Nothing.
Co-worker #1: What time are you going to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I was gonna go in a little bit.
Co-worker #1: Know what? I was too. C'mon, let's go take a pee, then we'll go to lunch.
1450 Chapel Street
New Haven, Connecticut
9AM So...Drowsy...
Partner: Do you think the girls would mind if I popped an Ambien and went to sleep in their bathroom?
10 South Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
9AM It's Like a Welcome Mat
Co-worker: Does the whole building smell like urine? Or is it just my cube?
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Head Out for Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why do they only lock the girls' bathroom and not the guys'?
Co-worker #2: So you don't come in and rape us.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's true.
475 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
10AM Band Meet & Greet
Musician: Nice of you to join us.
Exec: Well, you were 30 minutes late; I went to take a shit!
Musician: You're entitled to that.
Exec: I washed my hand if you want to shake it.
875 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: N & S
2PM Hang Magazine Rack
Nurse #1: Do you want me to go through your legs?
Nurse #2: I can't believe you don't want to go through my legs to find the lower hole.
Nurse #1: Well, pull out the first one so I can see!
Nurse #2: Is it in?
Nurse #1: I don't know, I can't feel anything!
Nurse #2: I'm gonna pee my pants! I can't believe there's no one here to see this!
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
11AM Call Maintenance
Employee: Why is the bathroom locked and has a sign saying "Out of Order"? What happened?
Manager: I think something's wrong with it.
Employee: Is anyone in there, I thought I heard someone?
Manager: You never know--but bathrooms are private so you shouldn't knock.
623 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Catch Up!
Office worker #1: My goodness, I have so much work that even if I stayed at work 24 hours it still wouldn't even put a dent in my workload.
Office worker #2: Wow, you have that much work?
Office worker #1: No...it's just that I'm always too busy farting around to get any work done.
475 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Remy Rawrs
12PM Pay Plumbers
Blue collar #1: Man, that's a large hole.
Blue collar #2: Well, I loosened the hole up just before you came in here.
Blue collar #1: I'll seal that up tight.
Blue collar #2: I had to give it some good shakes to get it loose.
1545 Crossways Boulevard
Chesapeake, Virginia
3PM Bathroom Break
Supervisor: Where the hell have you been for the last 15 minutes?
Employee: I had to use the restroom.
Supervisor: What--all the way in the main building?
Employee: That's the one.
Supervisor: Why not use the one over here? You just like to waste time, don't you?
Employee: Actually, I like the soap better.
4708 Lacey Boulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
3PM Take a Walk
Office girl: No one go in the ladies' room. The Bathroom Bomber strikes again.
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, NY
Overheard by: miss earwell
11AM Client Meeting
Receptionist on intercom: Can I go to the bathroom?
Supervisor: Uh...sure. Why would you ask me that?
Receptionist on intercom: Because you told me I should always ask you first if I was ever unsure of what to do in a situation.
Supervisor: Do you not know how to use the restroom?
Receptionist on intercom: Well, what if you tried to intercom me and I wasn't around? What would--
Supervisor: Just go!
165 Nassau Boulevard
Garden City, New York
3PM Take Bill for a Walk
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, he's peeing under my desk.
Co-worker #2: Oh! Sorry.
Co-worker #1: Where's the tissue? Paper towels or something? He's leaking, take him outside. I'm serious.
Co-worker #2: Don't freak out!
Co-worker #1: I'm not mad, I'm just grossed out.
12345 World Trade Drive
San Diego, California
4PM Study Coriolis Effect (Urgent)
Manager: I saw it happen when I was in Australia.
Engineer: To be perfectly honest with you, I've never studied the direction of water flow in my toilet.
The next 30 minutes were spent experimenting on various containers with holes.
6411 Ivy Lane
Greenbelt, Maryland
2PM Pick Up Mail
Mail guy #1: He said he smoked crack at work?
Mail guy #2: Yeah.
Mail guy #1: How did he do that?
Mail guy #2: He said he did it in the bathroom.
Mail guy #1: But how?
Mail guy #2: How?
Mail guy #1: Yeah. He has to walk past about 2 guards to get in the building. Those people are trained to smell shit and they know if you're coming in here dirty.
281 Tresser Boulevard
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Brenda Fate
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Let's go.
Co-worker #2: Can I go to the bathroom first?
Co-worker #1: So go! You have to do it with yours, not with mine!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Meeting
Employee #1: Where the hell were you?
Employee #2: In the bathroom.
Employee #1: For twenty minutes? God, I thought you were sleeping with the feces.
320 17 Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
3PM "Urgent" HR Meeting
Guy #1: I heard she is a squatter.
Guy #2: Really, she has no place to live?
Guy #1: No, she squats above the toilet seat and goes to the bathroom. It gets everywhere so HR is going to talk to her.
Guy #2: Can you imagine what the bathroom in her house must look like?
9740 Irvine Boulevard
Irvine, California
9AM Work Stinks
I was sitting at the reception desk in my office and the main door leading to the hallway and elevators was propped open. I could not see into the hallway, but I could hear a man and a woman talking as they waited for the elevator. Eventually the elevator door opened and one of them got on. As soon as the door closed the other person not only let out a huge sigh of relief but also the biggest fart I have ever heard. I thought I was going to die I laughed so hard.
400 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
9AM Just One More Day
Co-worker: ...I like doing things like hiding grape soda and going into the women's bathroom after work to put up all the seats and write Missy's name on the wall.
1932 Highland Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Leigh
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: Would you still talk to me if I peed on your car?
55 Southbank Boulevard
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
11AM Check Out the General Air System
Guy #1: Man it stinks in here.
Guy #2: HR should offer training in the courtesy flush.
12545 Riata Vista Circle
Austin, Texas
1PM Go Out to Lunch
Co-worker: Avoid the bathroom in about an hour, you-know-who just sat down to eat some pea soup.
1 International Plaza
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: courtesy flush
2PM Those Candlemakers Are Really Out of Ideas
Boss: Whoever thought shit and cinnamon smelled good together?
634 126th Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
6PM There's No P in Team
Intern #1: Hey, are you going to the bathroom?
Intern #2: No, do you need me to?
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Don't Worry, Those Pills Are Pretty Reliable
Girl: I'm going to drop by the ladies' room.
Man: I hope everything comes out all right.
11400 W. Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
5PM This Would Make a Great Pine-Sol Ad
Employee #1: Someone stunk up the downstairs bathroom again.
Employee #2: Did you spray the spray?
Employee #1: Yes, and now it smells like someone shit next to a pine tree.
800 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
7AM He Can Put It By the Camera
Boss: You want a raise? You come back after three weeks of vacation and spend more time in the bathroom than you do working. Maybe I should install a timeclock in there.
107 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
4PM They Mean That They'll Hold It for You, Guy
Co-worker: ...and if you have to go to the bathroom, just buzz me or the office manager. You don't have to hold it.
Temp: Good to know this is a compassionate work environment.
1000 Vermont Avenue, NW
Washington, DC
7AM Is It the Morning After Already?
Employee #1: Oh...I think I peed a little! I have to go check. Be right back.
Employee #2: ...So how did your pee test go?
Employee #1: No, I didn't pee. Maybe it was just discharge.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
1PM Separating the Boys from the Mens' Room
Guy #1: Why did you only wash one hand?
Guy #2: I only peed on one hand.
Guy #1: You're an idiot.
737 S. 3rd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
12AM Pissed Off v. Pissed On (Worst Aesop's Fable Ever)
A handicapped client has had to be restrained for assaulting a staff.
Co-worker #1: Your behaviour was completely out of line. You hit me, tried to bite me and pissed all over my leg. How would you like it if I pissed on you if I was angry at you?
Client: I wouldn't like it.
Co-worker #1: Hey [Jake], when you are angry at your girlfriend, do you piss all over her and try to bite her?
Co-worker #2: No, I don't. We talk things out and listen to each other. Why did you piss on us during the restraint?
Client: You guys were not listening to me.
2a Ormonde Avenue
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia
12AM That's Where He Goes to Do Number 1/2
One guy steps up to the tall urinal, while the other man, a little person, steps up to the short urinal. The tall guy looks over and
comments: I guess they installed that urinal especially for you to use.
6821 Montevideo Sq. Ct.
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: Ron Rammelkamp
8AM If Karen Only Knew
Coworker: If anyone's looking for me, I'm going to go to the men's room and give it to Karen.
(Over the sounds of laughter, I saw him holding a document he was going to drop off his way to the bathroom.)
4 Washington Avenue Ext.
Albany, NY
Overheard by: Patrick George
4PM "...and use an envelope if you'd like to make a deposit."
Session Leader: I'll leave this badge on the desk. If you need to use the facilities, just take it with you and swipe the reader on the bathroom door.
Participant #1: You need to swipe from the bottom up, right?
Participant #2: Not if you're a girl!
One Chase Plaza
New York, NY
