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3PM It Helps That He's a Golden Retriever
Lady peon: I really want to fuck him, but I can't. I'm trying to be monogamous in my non-relationship relationship.
Club restroom
Anchorage, Alaska
4PM And Neither of Them Knows It
Office chick #1: But why does she do that?
Office chick #2: It doesn't matter -- her boyfriend is so gay!
Melbourne
Australia
4PM Dammit, I'm Looking for Reasons to Do This
Worker bee #1: I don't know about dating him. I can't get over the age difference. It would be--
Worker bee #2: --Like raping a child?
Worker bee #1: Well, no...
Worker bee #2: Not your, like, son...
Worker bee #1: [Silence.]
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Eavesdropper
10AM ... So I Think I'll Vote for Obama Instead
Engineer: So, apparently she holds out her cell phone to people on the street and says, 'This is my husband. Tell him he's an asshole!'
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: thankfully unmarried
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
5PM That's Not Baggage -- Those Are Wedding Gifts
Suit hanging up phone: I am so done with married chicks -- they have too much baggage.
3250 42nd Street
New York, New York
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
9AM They Can't Recruit, So They Have to Reproduce
College boy #1: She's engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That's gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
11AM Victor's Secret
Female coworker: I woke up today and couldn't find my panties.
Male coworker: So, did you find them finally?
Female coworker: No. And my husband disappeared...
Law office
New York, New York
Overheard by: julllully
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
11AM Another Victim of the 'Math Is Hard' Barbie
Barista: What are you going to do when you grow up?
Little girl: Doctor.
Barista: You want to be a doctor? That's wonderful!
Little girl: No. Mommy told me to marry doctor and have kids. I want 27!
Ft Valley Road
Flagstaff, Arizona
10AM Jack Spratt for the Twenty-First Century
Intern: I've never had butt sex. I'm saving it for marriage. Since I'm not a virgin anymore, I have to save something for my husband.
Friend: You're so dumb. You should have done what I did. I ONLY have butt sex, so I'm still a virgin.
Pour House Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, District of Columbia
4PM He Said I Was Cold and Unfeeling, And Made Abrupt Transitions
Boss: Sorry about being slow with the orders this summer. I was depressed and almost left my husband. Moving on, I have now ordered some new backpacks for us to sell.
North Washington
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Becky
12PM And of Course He Was There at the Time
Bimbo: She really didn't betray him other than sleeping with someone else.
1300 Riverside Avenue
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: dazed and confused
10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl
Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?
Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Thus, He Probably Overcharged for His Chuppahs
Employee #1: Well, we already live together.
Employee #2: Oooh, living in sin!
Employee #3: Jesus won't be happy with you.
Employee #1: Well, I'm Jewish, so Jesus already isn't too happy with me.
Employee #3: That's true.
Employee #1: I think when I get married under a chuppah, he might get upset!
Employee #2: Jesus was Jewish, though.
Employee #3: Jesus was also a carpenter.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Mr. Hefner Has Successfully Used the Adoption Ploy for Over 50 Years
Man: I talked to John. He said he and Michelle got divorced less than a year after they were married. I really didn't like her anyway. She was really bullheaded.
Woman: Oh. That's too bad.
Man: Yeah, they just got divorced, but he's doing well. He just adopted a seventeen-year-old girl. It's helping to distract him.
Woman: Huh?
University of Oregon
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Reed
1PM Can't Wait 'Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He's Her Father
Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn't know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She's adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How'd it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you're talking about. What a jerk! That's so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn't even talk to the nurses after that.
777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan
5PM He Could Trip on a Tampon at Any Moment!
Techie guy #1: You know how my friends Jason and Mike rode their bikes to Mexico and then to Costa Rica to play poker?
Techie guy #2: Yeah.
Techie guy #1: Well, Mike's living with this girl he met in Mexico.
Techie guy #2: Is that safe?
11000 Regency Parkway
Cary, North Carolina
2PM It All Started Back in My Mother's Fallopian Tube...
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Employee: You really want to know?
Boss: No.
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
5PM He Just Doesn't Have the Underwearwithal
Woman: I haven't talked to Henry* in a week. I'm through with him.
Man: Why? What happened?
Woman: He's sooo selfish. He took the last t-shirt out of my drawer and wore it.
Man: That's it? Dumped him over a t-shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we're through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. Infidelity I forgave, but don't take my last goddamned t-shirt out of my fuckin' drawer. Selfish!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up
Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
10AM If We Don't Get Married, the Terrorists Win
Female patient: Oh! You're getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you're better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.
Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
2PM First the Briefing, Then the Stabbing
Supervisor: So Tina* and I are actually getting along really well! We discovered that we both have the same work style, which is Crazy Psycho Bitch.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM They Both Felt It Was Time For a Starter Marriage
Hostess: I don't know why they're getting married. They don't even have kids!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM And I Have Seen Enough
Guy: Wow! Look at the legs on that chick! Those are some really short shorts! Look, Bill*!
Bill: Yeah, that's my wife.
740 Fourth Street
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Sandie
9AM The Best Way to Try Something New Is to Maintain at Least a Little Connection to the Familiar
Girl #1: You know that gay guy that works second shift?
Girl #2: Yeah, what about him?
Girl #1: I took him out to meet all my hetero friends, and they enjoyed the shit out of him.
2800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: snorted my diet mountain dew
5PM Next Time Break Up Via E-mail
Employee on phone: You are a psycho if you think you'll break up with me over the phone!...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?!
Co-Worker: For my sake, you can say goodbye to a psycho!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM No One Intelligent Gets Married
Clerk #1: My nephew is getting married, and his mother is not happy.
Clerk #2: Why's that?
Clerk #1: Well she is Mexican, Italian or maybe from India. I don't know. They just don't like her. He's really intelligent, but they're worried about him quitting college now.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: unbelievable
2PM The Last Temptation of Chris
Married dude: The regular girl wasn't there so they sent the cute one.
Happily-Married dude: Uh huh, the ugly one wasn't there so you met with the cute one.
Married dude: I find her very attractive.
Happily-Married dude: You are married!
Married dude: But she's paralyzed from the waist down.
Happily-Married dude: You're married! So you are paralyzed from the waist down!
226 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dag
11AM Does She Like Breathing Phone Calls and Threatening Letters?
Co-Worker #1: Do you know who I'm talking about?
Co-Worker #2: Wait, is she attractive?
Co-Worker #1: I guess.
Co-Worker #2: Blonde? Short?
Co-Worker #1: Yah, that's her.
Co-Worker #2: She's married.
Co-Worker #1: Yah. Does she smoke weed?
Co-Worker #2: I don't think so. But she should. That or a Xanax.
150 South Wacker
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Dear Diary, Failed Emotional Intelligence Test Today
Older man: So, are you hungover?
Younger woman: No. Why? Do I look hungover?
Older man: No. I just wanted to start a conversation, and I don't know what else to talk to you young people about.
501 Second Street
San Francisco, California
5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM It Means I'm Gay
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I'm married.
PM: I don't know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Paternity Leave
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Tetanus Shot
Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?
1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado
Overheard by: A Sane Applicant
3PM Shift Switch
Coworker #1: Hey, can you cover my shift next week?
Coworker #2: Why? Where are you going?
Coworker #1: My friend's boyfriend is graduating from pharmacology school.
Coworker #2: Ew. Who would want to be a farmer?
3900 Hillsboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
9AM Back to Work
Admin: It says here, "his marriage stopped due to alcohol and wanking too much."
Pause
Admin: Hold on...... maybe it says "working to much."
101 Whitechapel Road
London, UK
Overheard by: nurse
11AM Checking Gmail
Intern at computer, to self: I gotta get out of this relationship. She's sending me pictures of jewelry.
3330 Founders Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM Debriefing
Salesguy: Hon? No, i didn't call her "hon". . . I don't even call my wife "hon." Isn't that one of those... terms of endearmeants? Is that what it's called? [Pause] I do use the B-word a lot.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Credit manager: Anyone need some glasses?
Coworker: What kind of glasses?
Credit manager: Drinking glasses, water glasses. I have four and I'm not going to use them.
Coworker: Where'd ya get the glasses from?
Credit manager: I stole them from the hotel I was at last week
Coworker: You can't go around stealing stuff from hotels.
Credit manager: That's what my wife tells me, which is why I need to get rid of them before she finds out. Maybe I'll just put them in the break room.
142 Grand Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Routine Transaction
Teller: Sir, can you please send in your ID since you want to cash this check
Customer: Well, there's a problem. I lost my ID, but I can give you my social security number, birthday, and even tell you the last several transactions on my account to verify.
Teller: Ok, what's your birthday and social?
Customer: [gives information]
Teller: Ok, what were the last three charges on your account?
Customer: [gives information]
Teller: So...what's this $450 charge Passion Parties?
Customer: [Laughter] Uh, that's something my wife is involved in.
730 Adkins Boulevard
Jackson, Mississippi
Overheard by: Nathan Best
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Hey there! How are you feeling about your second day?
Intern: Whelmed.
Manager: I'm sorry, what was that?
Intern: Whelmed. You know, you can be "overwhelmed" and "underwhelmed," but I'm just "whelmed."
Manager: I see. Well, maybe some coffee would help?
1400 16th Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
2PM Sensitivity Training
Partner: I'm gonna call her and see if I can feel her up.
1001 G Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit: Your last name is Smith. Are you related to a Nelson Smith?
Clerk: No, Smith is my marriage name. That reminds me; I need to file for divorce.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Lunch
Team Leader: Well, you know I always have to be right, don't you?
Employee: You're lucky to have stayed married all of these years.
Team Leader: Yes, well my wife is a very patient woman.
Employee: Either that or deaf.
14840 Conference Center Drive
Chantilly, Virginia
Overheard by: Jen Foster
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: How was your weekend?
Worker #2: Good. I almost got married; the usual.
393 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jess McGins
3PM Smoke Break
Consultant: First she was in Picture magazine, and that was okay. Then it was People magazine, and that was all right. But then she did Hustler, and that one really disturbed me. I mean, it's strange to look at porn magazines and see your daughter naked, y'know?
44 Phillip Street
Parramatta, New South Wales
Australia
1PM Lunch
Cubicle #1: I just realized Monday is your birthday. You'll be...28?
Cubicle #2: Yeah. You know, ten years ago I thought I'd be all married with kids by now. Living in Red Bank or Cheesequake or something.
Cubicle #1: Wow, thank god none of that came true.
Cubicle #2: I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Do you want to tell them the truth?
Boss: What's the truth?
Co-worker: The truth is that you can't go and I don't feel like it.
Boss: So you want to tell them that?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Boss: Do you want to tell them the truth or the enchanced version of the truth?
100 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Back Office Peon
9AM Back to Work
Attorney: Did you spray the air freshener after you used the bathroom?
Secretary: ...We're getting to know each other too well in this office.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Tuck Tabler
3PM Smoke Break
Manager: Did you just hear that catfight? Everyone is stressed. We need to go do something fun.
Co-worker: Yeah. We need to go drinking and then they need to take off their clothes and have a pillow fight.
3755 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
5PM You Don't Have to Tell Me Twice
Co-worker on phone: Okay, go home and make dinner and await further instructions.
133 Littleton Road
Westford, Massachusetts
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: I just want to confirm that this is your fault.
Co-worker #2: Yeah.
Co-worker #1: Great. Thanks.
1932 Highland Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
10AM Meeting with HR
Manager: So, is your girlfriend taking you out for your birthday?
Accountant: No, I'm going out with my friends.
Manager: If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't put up with that shit.
Accountant: Well, you're not, and you don't have to.
Manager: ...It's not like you're allowed to marry your friends and have kids someday...
Accountant: Well, in some places you can.
Manager: That's it, you're fired!
6801 Brecksville Road
Independence, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Oh, I keep having these irrational dreams too. The other night I dreamt that I made this little mistake and it brought down like the entire company. And in the papers it said, "entire company went down because of this one stupid assistant!" And everyone knew my name and I couldn't get a job anywhere, so I have to move to Europe and marry a guy to get my visa. Then I was a product of domestic abuse because he knew I was co-dependent on him.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Congratulations on your engagement and your new job! When is your last day?
Worker #2: Next Wednesday, thanks.
Worker #3: Are you leaving so soon because of that pooper ring on your finger?
Worker #2: "Pooper ring"?
Worker #3: Yes, you know...You had to take it in the pooper to get a ring that big.
1600 21st Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Meet the New Girl
Office Manager: ...who knows, maybe Crystal is a very nice person.
Design Assistant: But I hate people named after rocks.
228 Gerrard Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: J.B.
5PM That's Enough for Today
Suit #1: Oh, fucking great. This is how-- [Jon] is getting married. And I have to sign this stupid card along with everyone else like--
Suit #2: Wow, hostile much? We barely know him.
Suit #1: Oh, I know his fiancee quite...ugh, never mind.
71 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Intern hears all
10AM Collect Letters of Intent
Professor: A "letter of intent"? Whaddya mean, "intent"? I intend on getting myself a sweet little girlfriend like [Nick] has; is that what you mean by "intent"? Get a Korean girlfriend on the side?
San 69-1
Churye 2-dong, Sasang-gu
Busan City, South Korea
9AM It Begins
Manager: Did I hear someone trying to play matchmaker? Have you routed a memo for approval?
10155 102 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: angel.girl
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker: My hubby can be such a dork. We went to the hardware store this weekend because we are refinishing our bathroom. So, I ask the hardware store guy, "Where do you keep your caulk?" Hubby just stood behind me and snickered.
8400 Esters Boulevard
Irving, Texas
10AM Call Evan to See If He's Checked In
Hotel Manager: Can we help you, ma'am?
Guest: My husband just got on the elevator without me, I can't believe that little shit/
Hotel Manager: Well, if we track him down we can send him your way.
Guest: If I can't keep track of him after 30 years you won't either.
9 East Wilson Street
Madison, Wisconsin
3PM Coffee Break
Sports editor: I think you need to apologize for that.
Opinion editor: Okay, but you need to meet me halfway. I'm sorry for hitting you, but you need to apologize for existing.
5211 Old Charlotte Highway
Monroe, North Carolina
3PM Cigarette Break
General Manager: Wait, his ex-wife is white? What color are their children? Beige?
805 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eric
1PM Lunch
Chick #1: I have like 3 pairs of shoes in the trunk of my car.
Chick #2: Oh really?
Chick #1: Yeah, like one pair of tennis shoes 'cause you never know when you need them.
Chick #2: I keep all kinds of stuff in the trunk of my car for that. You never know when you need that stuff, if you know what I'm talking about
Guy: I keep my wife in the trunk of my car.
Dead silence for the rest of the elevator ride.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: n-ro
9PM Plan B is Circumcision
Attorney: I'm not going to have a homosexual affair just to get some cases!
220 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: brokensiren
1PM Nothing Tastes as Good as Friends...hip
Intern #1: Can I try your sandwich?
Intern #2: Let me think about it for...no. Friendship, food: two very different things.
136 Tooley Street
London, England
Overheard by: Jessica Reed
7AM I Can Hear the Awkward Silence from Here
Worker: [Jeff] didn't come in because he has pneumonia. We went to the hospital yesterday.
Manager: Ever since you and [Jeff] started dating he's begun falling apart. Now he's got pneumonia. That's what drugs will do to you; lower your immune system.
Worker: That couldn't have been it...It's been 2 weeks since we've taken ecstacy.
7350 S. Tamiami Trail
Sarasota, Florida
12AM Pissed Off v. Pissed On (Worst Aesop's Fable Ever)
A handicapped client has had to be restrained for assaulting a staff.
Co-worker #1: Your behaviour was completely out of line. You hit me, tried to bite me and pissed all over my leg. How would you like it if I pissed on you if I was angry at you?
Client: I wouldn't like it.
Co-worker #1: Hey [Jake], when you are angry at your girlfriend, do you piss all over her and try to bite her?
Co-worker #2: No, I don't. We talk things out and listen to each other. Why did you piss on us during the restraint?
Client: You guys were not listening to me.
2a Ormonde Avenue
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia
6PM It's Only Bad If She Doesn't Take the Kids
Boss: If we don't start turning things around here so I can get home sooner, I'm going to wind up divorced. And that would be...bad. I think.
6106 Excelsior Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Mad Cow
6AM Well, She Was Lying Down in the Bed
Lawyer: Then why did you have sex with your cousin while she was sleeping?
Client: I honestly thought she wanted it. Really, I would never do anything to hurt her. I think of her like a sister.
Lawyer: Perhaps we shouldn't put you on the witness stand.
2605 E. Cliff Road
Burnsville, Minnesota
12PM I Don't See What Epimetheus Has to Do With Anything
Hair salon receptionist: My last boyfriend cheated on me.
Nail girl: Oh, that's terrible. I had one boyfriend cheat on me in the past, too.
Hair salon receptionist: Well, you know what they say, "Hindsight is 24/7."
3202 E. Los Angeles Avenue
Simi Valley, California
Overheard by: Bruce Bristol
8AM Sounds Like a Motivational Poster
Woman #1: I feel bad he's stuck talking to her. I feel like I should rescue him.
Woman #2: Oh, they deserve each other; they're both full of shit.
Woman #1: But his is a different kind of shit.
Woman #2: Yeah; his is bull, hers is horse.
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
12AM I'll Switch to Working the Kidneys, Then
Co-worker #1: I promise everyone around here really likes you.
Co-worker #2: OK, but you really have to stop punching me in the face.
1271 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
4PM Seem Like There's a Lot You Don't Know
Engineer #1: Congratulations, I heard you got married this week.
Engineer #2: Thanks, man. It was one of the best days of my life.
Engineer #1: Aren't you African though? I didn't know African people got married.
6575 The Corners Pkwy
Norcross, Georgia
