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11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside
Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?
1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri
10AM Because Do I Ever Have the Middle East Excursion Package for You...
Customer, entering store: Hi.
Travel agent: Are you ready to book something today, or are you just going to ask questions?
Queen Street
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Random Eavesdropper
4PM Why Do I Always Get the Callers with the Tough Questions?
Caller on speakerphone: Is so-and-so in?
Office girl: No, he's out for the week.
Caller on speakerphone: Okay, well, I had you transfer me to what's-his-name before. Is he in?
Office girl: No, I think he's gone for the day.
Caller on speakerphone: Do you even work there, or are you just an answering service?
Office girl: Ummm...
Wisconsin Avenue NW
Washington, DC
3PM After the Rohypnol Kicks In.
Graphic design girl: How do you lick that off someone's boob?
Parsippany, New Jersey
1PM One of the Hazards of Dating Congressmen
Boss: Are you cranky because you fell into the toilet?
601 E Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Do I Have to Explain Judaism to You Again?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have your Christmas frock picked out?
20-ish female cube dweller: What?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have a Christmas frock?
20-ish female cube dweller: Like a... dress?
40-ish female cube dweller: Yeah! To wear on Christmas!
20-ish female cube dweller: We don't really get dressed up on Christmas.
40-ish female cube dweller: [Disappointed silence.]
1701 North Beauregard Street
Alexandria, Virginia
5PM It's by Armenia and Azerbaijan -- You Add Eleven Hours... Wait, What?
Peon #1: I gotta call 'em. They're in Georgia. Is it too early?
Peon #2: What do you mean?
Peon #1: Aren't they behind us? What time is it there? ... Where's Georgia?
Clements Bridge Road
Barrington, New Jersey
Overheard by: worker on Eastern time
10AM Or Is That Just Maryland?
Boss: It smells good in here! What is that? Grape?
Female employee: Uh, no, it's cranberry. Cranberry room spray.
Boss, after long pause: So, did you just fart or something?
4511 Knox Road
College Park, Maryland
3PM Yes, I Know They All Smell Bad
Curator on cell: So, have you found the dead artist yet?
Art gallery
London
England
9AM Scene from the Long-Awaited Sequel 65-Year-Old Virgin
Mail guy: Do you play soccer?
Office girl: No.
Mail guy: Oh, you look like a soccer player.
Office girl: Cool.
Mail guy: Do you like wet food or dry food?
Walnut Hill Lane and U.S. 75
Dallas, Texas
5PM Yeah, but I Always Do
Designer #1: Hey Susan*, did you have a traditional Pearl Harbor celebration?
Designer #2: Yes, I did. I--
Designer #1, interrupting: --Did you make airplane noises on the drive home?
495 Union Avenue
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: one cubicle over
2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?
Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?
42 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM It's Just a Little Excited, That's All
Nurse #1: Well, then what in the hell is the difference between a threesome and a gangbang? Are there specific rules?
Nurse #2: I guess... I tried it with my boyfriend and my roommate once...
Sickly patient: Excuse me... Is my IV supposed to be leaking?
Emergency Room
St. Louis, Missouri
4PM Not after They Peed on My Desk!
Female coworker sitting on desk: Do you want to pet my shoes?
20 Guest Street
Brighton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not if they bite
12PM Police Interrogators Aren't As Crafty As They Appear on TV
Coworker: So, you went hunting last night?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: Do you gut the deer yourself?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: So... I guess you know what the inside of a human looks like, then, right?
701 East Byrd Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she just say that?
4PM Just When You Thought It Would Be Dull to Live in Texas
Reporter on phone: On that naked guy story, was that 18-wheeler his? ... Is he out of jail yet? ... He was slippery?
Beaumont, Texas
2PM That, and the Floral Mumus
Lady peon looking at clothing ad from '70s: The sad thing is, how many people in this died from AIDS?
6000 Southport Road
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin Russo
4PM Well Ms. Lohan Can Afford It
Suit, about lady smoking crack on stoop: Isn't she a little dressed up for a crackwhore?
3008 Lincoln Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Not smoking any
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
3PM No, No, Wait -- a Parking Meter!
Biology teacher: So, in conclusion, diffusion is ions separating from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.
15-year-old blonde: So it's like an orange, right?
High school
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: jess
2PM Good to See the Propellor Beanie Making a Comeback
Office peon: So, that guy with the little hat on -- he's the president?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Why Do You Wheeze While Asking Me That?
Coworker #1: ... Kind of scary. I just don't know how I feel about that.
Coworker #2: It's not a big deal. It's a game. It's fun.
Coworker #1: Oh... So, wait -- do they eat the dreidel?
West 58th Street
New York, New York
3PM We're Right on Top of That, Senator
Coworker on cell: So, my friend was like, 'Dude, they might not let you get on a plane...' So how do I found out if there's a warrant out for my arrest?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
11AM Relax -- Clearly Not about You
Coworker #1, writing a vacuum product description: Does 'extra long' have a hyphen in it?
Coworker #2: Dude, are you writing spam?
58th Street and 1st Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?
CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: oops
2PM Her Kids Get Beaten Up Every School Day
Fashion exec on phone: Did you smell your shorts yet?
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: I smelled them too
10AM Like You Haven't Wondered What Happened to Her?
Worker bee: Is that Phylicia Rashad on top of our tree?
Fairfax, Virginia
11AM Because People Generally Don't
Cube rat poking head over cube wall: I was just banging you. Did you feel that?
8900 Raintree Drive
Scottsdale, Arizona
2PM And the Bar's Set Pretty High in Australia
CSR #1, after moving offices: Does the mouse get plugged into the monitor or the computer?
CSR #2: [Stares in disbelief and silence, and then starts laughing.]
CSR #1: I can't believe I just said that. That's the most stupid question I've ever heard!
Perth
Australia
5PM Coddery Barn?
Lawyer on cell: ... But where am I supposed to find a codpiece?!
Park Central Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Disturbed Paralegal
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM I'm No Longer Sure I Want to Get into This
Girl assistant: Well, how often do you move your bowels?
Queer assistant: You mean, like, sit-ups?
745 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: finance is funny
4PM You Get Used to Double-Entry Is the Best I Can Say
Receptionist: You can do that while you're sleeping?!
Accounting girl: Well, yeah.
Receptionist: ... Does it feel good?
Accounting girl: [Shrugs.]
Hutchinson, Kansas
Overheard by: The Temp
1PM My Fainting Couch Won't Be Delivered Until Tomorrow
Employee: Why are you eating?
Hungry guy: Because it's Tuesday.
8531 E Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
5PM She Also Thinks Betsy Ross Is a Clothing Designer
Lady suit #1: There is a quote by Mark Twain that would be perfect for our presentation, just as a conclusion. What do you think?
Lady suit #2: Um, is that Shania Twain's dad?
St. George's Terrace
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: not a shania fan
4PM Psh, Like That Matters
Secretary: Wait, don't you have to be in the military to run for president?
Worker: No. I've taken karate in the past, so I get to skip that step.
Secretary: Oh... But do you really think you'd get enough votes?
5000 South Lewis Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Whoa Now
12PM And Stop Playing with That Gun
Civil engineer: If cigarettes are bad for you, then why are they such big business? You wouldn't be allowed to buy them if they killed you.
Environmental health and safety specialist: Do you ever pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth?
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern biologist
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
5PM I've Already Told You Everything I Know
Man: Is this the Information counter?
Bored worker: Yes.
Man: Can I have some information?
Université de Montréal
Canadia
12PM The Kind That Doesn't Ignore the Data
Analyst reviewing error report: Working this report requires critical thinking skills.
Department head: What kind of critical thinking skills?
701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM Superhero Question Man Had Trouble Making Friends
Customer: Hi! Are you a horticulturalist?
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: Were is your washroom?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Counter Guy
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
12PM Maybe Across the Street at Oxy's? Moron.
Tourist to vendor: Do you know where I can buy kosher pork chops?
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropping Jew
11AM It's Possible You Won't Believe What You See
Shipping clerk: I have a package here for you.
Asian scientist: What is in the box?
Shipping clerk: I don't know, but it's probably cells, since it says 'dry ice.'
Asian scientist: But what's in the box?
Shipping clerk: Why don't we take it to the lab and open the box?
Asian scientist: Okay, but what's in the box?
American scientist: I think that's the stuff you ordered.
Asian scientist: Oh, yes, okay. But what can possibly be in the box?
Columbus, Ohio
10AM My Label Says "Keep Away from Children"
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Blank stare.]
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Slight smirk.]
Coworker #1: What is it?
Coworker #2, smiling: Are you with child?
Coworker #1, growling: No!
Coworker #2: [Turns and quickly walks back to her office.]
600 Peachtree Street Northeast
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: cant believe she said it
9AM ... From My Mom
30-ish guy shouting from desk: What's a MILF? [Everyone laughs.] No, really -- what is a MILF? I just got an e-mail about it!
Virginia
5PM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Colleague #1: Hey, that girl -- does she have those underwear on the wrong way?
Colleague #2: Yeah. Funny, huh?
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR Rep
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
4PM Of Course You Do
CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
3PM And a Half!
Male coworker, as female places personal ad: Did you just say you were five years old?!
21135 Erwin Street
Woodland Hills, California
1PM Zippo Pour L'Homme
Editor: I smell lighter fluid. Is that new cologne someone's wearing?
News building, 57th Street and 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nik
2PM I'm Up for Finding Out
Boss to statistician entering the room: We were just wondering if it was even possible to be overlay-ed?
Arnett Avenue
Lambertville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Overjoyed
12PM Which Answer Will Get Me Change?
Cube girl #1: Do you have change for a ten?
Cube girl #2: Do I look like a stripper?
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
2PM Boss Won't Let Me Have a Life-Size Picture
Office lady: Is that one of them giant squids?
PR guy: Yeah.
Office lady: Aren't those huge?
PR guy: Yep.
Washington State University
Pullman, Washington
Overheard by: Pamela
10AM The Correct Answer Is "Not at All"
Excited peon #1: Hey, did you know that Anna Nicole Smith died, like, months ago?!
Excited peon #2: Wow! Really? She's the one that lost all that weight, right?
Excited peon #1: Yeah! How'd you like to be the medical examiner doing that autopsy?
480 Washington Boulevard
New Jersey
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
2PM Like a Seizure That Ends in Conversation
Coworker #1: Who's ringing?
Coworker #2: Not me. I vibrate.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM But Being a Western State Is So Much Cooler
Secretary: Do you think Texas is a southern state?
Wise woman: I guess.
Secretary: It is the furthest south you can go.
2200 Neal Street
Commerce, Texas
Overheard by: Gibby
1PM One of the More Confusing Motivational Speakers
Grunt: Why the hell should I care if some stupid Egyptian thinks I look like a ragamuffin?
Sutter Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Front Desk
12PM Right from the Start, It's Been a Hard Job
White shirt: Who is in charge of the build here?
Blue shirt: I am in charge of getting it up.
White shirt: Okay, so you're the erection supervisor.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM And Neither of Them Knows It
Office chick #1: But why does she do that?
Office chick #2: It doesn't matter -- her boyfriend is so gay!
Melbourne
Australia
9AM A Better Question Is Why They Smell This Way
Employee: Why do you have rubber gloves?
Photographer: Don't worry about that.
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Not surprised
3PM And Devote Your Full Attention to It
Peon #1: Did you devote your full attention to this?
Peon #2: Bite me.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Hoping to Be Reborn As a Gentile?
Worker bee: Do I smell bacon, or am I just having a really awesome stroke?
175 Remsen Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: cubicle island
9AM Lack of Conscience and Sense of Entitlement. Why?
Staffer #1: In your view, how are sociopaths and psychopaths different?
Staffer #2: Why are you doing this?
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
2PM Another Zipper Accident, Ed?
Cube dweller: Well, I'm in a curious pickle... Can anyone else see?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Like All the Terrorists Have Agreed to Do
Older gentleman at counter: So, if my application is approved for the remote entry program, I can enter the U.S. after hours?
Customs officer: Yes, sir.
Older gentleman: But what's with this border passport requirement?
Customs officer, uncomfortable: The remote entry pass is for when the port is closed, sir. You will still need a passport to enter when we are open.
Customs office, Northern Border
3PM Oh, That Customer Again?
Cube rat: How do you say 'ejaculation' in Pig Latin?
11 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
1PM I Hadn't Thought That Far Ahead
Barista #1: So, what are you going to do with the dead bodies?
Barista #2: Ummm...
Starbucks
California
Overheard by: Aubrey
10AM Is He Supposed to Keep Coming Back?
Expansion specialist to trainee: So, did you put the dead guy in 'Deceased'?
4833 Rugby Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
11AM Twelve Full Months of Scary Doll Eyes
Worker: Hello! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Eight-year-old boy: Barbie!
Calendar kiosk, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
4PM What Do You Mean by "Try"?
CSR: Would you like to try it in your mouth?
4700 River Road
Riverdale, Maryland
11AM Ma'am This Is the New South
Old white lady: Excuse me, where do you keep your knickers?
White supervisor, nervously: What? I don't have any...
Clothing store
Ocala, Florida
10AM Are We Done Yet?
Boss: Do you have five minutes so I can talk to you for a sec?
Orlando, Florida
1PM Large and Cold and Benign?
Worker #1: Did you vote?
Worker #2: I can't vote.
Worker #1: Why not?
Worker #2: I'm not a citizen.
Worker #1: You're from here, no?
Worker #2: No, I'm from Canada.
Worker #1: Oh... You don't look like a Canadian.
45 Rockefeller Center
New York, New York
5PM Because I Borrowed It
Secretary to lawyer: Was that your condom they found on the second floor of the parking garage?
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Just Let 'em Eat While They Nap
Cube chick: How do you love a hamster?!
11460 Johns Creek Parkway
Duluth, Georgia
1PM So You Might Want to Hold Your Nose
Accountant to another: Have I mentioned that I need to depreciate?
Anselmo Lane
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Carlen
1PM The One That Looks Like a Penis
Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: phone room peon
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM At Least There's No Visible Cameltoe
Sales agent, about Arab Muslim client on phone: Jesus Christ, is it those people with the capes again?!
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Don't Put Me on the Spot
Woman: Hey! How are you?
Small, loud man: Do you really want to know, or should I just smile and nod?
3040 Cornwallis Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Ben A. Fit
9AM A Concept As Realistic As Pixie Dust
Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM Yes. No. Shut Up!
Girl: Did signing the Articles of Confederation makes us confederates?
Quinsigamond Community College
Worcester, Massachusetts
12PM My Money's Still on the Chimpanzee
IT guy: Who do you think would win in a fight, Daffy or Donald Duck?
Sales manager: Hmmm...
IT guy: You know, never mind. You're too biased.
Union Square
New York, New York
9AM It Hasn't Updated Its Blog in a While
Copywriter: Have you seen Terri*? I have to ask her about her G-spot.
Sex toy company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
4PM Now Get Me Some Sandy Taupe Coffee
New hire looking at spreadsheet: So, the blue fields are--
Supervisor, interrupting: --Blue? That's not blue, it's cyan. Are you colorblind?
430 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Roy G. Biv
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
4PM People Say Things at Work They'd Never Say Anywhere Else
Office girl on phone: Am I coming into you or are you coming into me?
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: John
12PM A Nuclear Holocaust? No.
Editor: Is there any way this can technically be swept under a virtual rug?
Two Penn Plaza
New York, New York
4PM Isn't Easy Being a Preacher, Is It?
Boss: The more questions you ask, the more explanations I have to give.
Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
3PM With Mashed Potato Pus!
Peon #1: So, how's that burn on your arm?
Peon #2: It kind of looks like prime rib.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
10AM Or the One Who Shot Harry Whittington in the Face?
Boss lady: I see a dinosaur.
Minion: Is that the same one that made you break your arm?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: L.J
5PM Guess the Word Is Out
Lady peon: Okay, who put these condoms on my desk?
101 West 31st Street
New York, New York
4PM In Tribute to What God Did on the Eighth Day
Worship leader: So, we're gonna drop the last verse of 'Awesome God.' I think it sounds better that way.
Pastor: Okay, anything else?
Young worship musician: Well, I gotta blow outta here pretty soon.
Pastor: So, let me get this straight -- he's dropping and you're blowing?
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Oh! Oh! Stuff My Envelope!
Male to female coworkers: Do you want to have an insertion party? I mean, do you need some help?
1000 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
9AM Um, Should It Be?
Lady worker on phone: So, is this a bring-your-own-rubber-chicken kind of party?
Coffee brewery corporate center
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Gryndyl
11AM Or Am I Now Cleared to Take a Pencil from the Supply Cabinet?
Professor: Do I need to sign something saying I signed something?
Langford Architecture Center, Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
9AM ... But No
Ancient lesbian waitress: You ever tried to buy dental dams at three A.M. in the Bible belt?
Wide-eyed teen bus boy: Uh... I have sooo many questions about what you just said...
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM With the Bloody Daggers and Vests of Human Hair?
Attorney: Can we file this psychopathically?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Legal Cube-Dweller
4PM Is This Gonna Get Me Fired?
Female worker to another: I was gonna show you something. You wanna go to the ladies' room?
Seneca Street
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: MonkeyPantaloons
10AM Denver Wife or New York Wife?
Assistant: Keith*, Melanie's* on the phone.
Keith: Who is that?
Assistant: Your wife.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM Better Ask Somebody Your Own Age, Kiddo
Six-year-old girl at front desk: Do I look sexy?
1 Main Street
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: Switters
2PM Well, for One Thing, They Aren't There
Peon calling supervisor about note from employee: Did you check your pants today?
Production supervisor: What kind of question is that?
Madison, Wisconsin
3PM ... Don't Ask
Budget director: Do you smell that? It smells like car wax. What is that smell?
Executive director: The interoffice memo...
436 6th Avenue North
Nashville, Tennessee
9AM I Can't Believe We Give Out an Award for That, Anyway
Suit to another: So I am supposed to feel vindicated because my father is a bigger liar than I am?
300 Block of Julia Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: dyslexicMot
1PM Oh, Hell, Give Me a Buck and We're Good
Clerk trying to price-check produce: Now, how is it you spell cucumber? Is that with a K or a Q?
Supermarket
Biloxi, Mississippi
9AM But the Problem Is, We're Completely Wrong
Lawyer #1: We still have the right to prove we're right, right?
Lawyer #2: Right.
465 California Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dances with lawyers
12PM Let Me Just Set Up the Webcam
Paralegal: So, should I go ahead and do a dump on the computer?
Seneca Meadows Parkway
Germantown, Maryland
4PM Saves Thousands in Severance Pay, Though
Worker bee #1: Was this a fire alarm or a severe weather alert?
Worker bee #2: I don't think they would kick us outside during a tornado.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
2PM Actually, They're from Albany
Girl #1: What country is Paul* from?
Girl #2: He's Albanian. [Girl #1 is silent.] You know... Albania?
Girl #1: Isn't that where all the albinos come from? I didn't know Paul was albino!
Copperfield College
Melbourne
Australia
4PM I'm Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Boss: What do you think of blood dye?
3120 Lincoln Park Avenue
Los Angeles, California
2PM I'm Inquiring about Volume, Ass
Customer: How big is the one-pound burrito?
Employee: Um, that'd be one pound, ma'am.
Forrest Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
1PM Last Time I Tried Both, I Was Asked to Leave
Old employee to young one: So, it was more important to get laid than go to the company picnic?
666 11th Street
Washington, DC
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM I'm Thinking of Knitting One
Cute chick holding up ballpoint pen: How does this work?
250 Bloor Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: working on a manual
3PM Certainly, Sir -- Are You Considering Suicide or Simply Alcoholic?
Man at music counter: Do you happen to have 'The Wreck of the F. Scott Fitzgerald'?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Bearphan
11AM Now That We've Put the Lime in the Coconut
Nurse: Why can't we just put the hair on the pancreas?
Medical office
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: So Glad I Work Here
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
4PM Another Drawback of the Atkins Diet
Coworker to another: Remember the time you spilled your meat juice in the back of my Pathfinder?
6412 Maple Avenue
Westminster, California
11AM I'm Just Trying to Be Polite
Hardhat #1 yelling to buddy in crane: How'd you get to be so tall?
Hardhat #2: Insanity.
Hardhat #1: Shamu?
Hardhat #2: No -- insanity.
Hardhat #1: I can't hear anything down here.
University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, Arkansas
5PM Amphibians Have Always Been the Key to American Wealth
Woman: What would you do with a million dollars?
Man: I would buy all the frogs in the world and start a frog farm!
111 Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
5PM Our Role in the Service Industry?
Employee to another: You're down on your hands and knees eating a banana. How do you not know what that symbolizes?
Route 209 and Weir Lake Road
Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
3PM For a Dollar, All You're Getting Is an Estimate
Shipping guy: How much handling can you get for a dollar?
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Shannon
5PM The Best Managers Don't Even Show Up to Work
Chief technology officer: Can't we find someone else to do it?!
495 Circle 85
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Lizerati
10AM Sorry, Just Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Senior biologist: Don't have them call me with any technical questions. Have them call Jack* in Municipal.
Redneck engineer: Ya ever tie two cats together by the tail and throw them over a clothesline?
Senior biologist: What?!
Engineering Firm
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern liberal biologist
9AM Boyfriends Are So Difficult to Maintain
Engineer to room full of coworkers: Well, I figure if he takes a crap every day, he's eating enough, right?
West Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Maybe Engineers Shouldnt Be Fathers
3PM It's a Free-Range Office
Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Manager: Well, that depends on where you're coming from.
Client: Oh, really? How does that work?
Huntington, New York
9AM In Fairness, the Hanger Had One of Those Foam Covers
Social worker: Honestly, what parent in their right mind hands a toddler who is just learning to walk a wire hanger as a chew toy in goodwill and thinks it's a good idea?
Medical Center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: makin a difference
10AM The Weighing of the Liver Was My Favorite Part!
Coworker to intern: So, how was the autopsy? Did you have a good time?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
1PM Oh, How Does Anyone Get Anything?
Clinician: Can you call the ER to tell them that this patient cannot be moved due to an infection?
Admin assistant, looking at chart: How did he get it in his butt?!
Varnum Avenue
Lowell, Massachusetts
10AM Isn't That an Adam Sandler Movie?
Coworker #1, shadowboxing and humming: Dom, duh-duh, dom.
Coworker #2: Are you singing Eye of the Tiger?
Coworker #1: No, I am singing Rocky.
Coworker #2: But that is Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: Are you sure? I thought it was Rocky.
Coworker #2: No, it's Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: What movie was that?
Coworker #2: Are you a moron?
1160 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Worth a Lot of Money on the Right Japanese Website
Coworker #1, whose initials don't include 'P': Oh, that personalized stationery set is a really nice gift. I'd take it, except it's got 'P' on it.
Coworker #2: It's got pee on it?!
South Austin, Texas
Overheard by: uncle eddie
11AM We Know a Lot of Places Where It Isn't, So We're Making Progress
Supervisor: Did you find that part?
Coworker: No.
Supervisor: Well, where is it?
Flagstaff, Arizona
Overheard by: Jimmy
10AM The Less I Know about Christmas, the Better
Blonde desk assistant: When is Christmas this year?
Editor: Tuesday, I think.
Blonde desk assistant: No, I mean what day? Like, the 25th?
Editor: Um... Yeah. The 25th.
Blonde desk assistant: But I thought that was Christmas Eve! When is Christmas Eve, then? [Editor stares.] Give me a break -- I'm a Jew.
TV station broadcast center
New York, New York
Overheard by: News Bunny
10AM Impossible? Cockatoos Taught Mary Hart to Talk
Woman on phone: Raised by dogs?! That's impossible! Isn't it? ... Wait, was it Entertainment Tonight? ... That's impossible!
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Goueznou
4PM Why Marijuana Home-Delivery Services So Often Fail
CSR: So, what city in Philadelphia are we doing the pickup?
Everett, Massachusetts
Overheard by: OK, I feel smarter now.
2PM Linnaeus Is Rolling Over in His Grave
Working girl #1: So, I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo of dolphins around my belly button.
Working girl #2: But if you get pregnant, won't they look like... whales?
Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
4PM Someone Typing with One Hand
Marketing guy: Who printed all of these David Hasselhoff pictures?
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
2PM What about Hawaii?
Teacher-in-training #1: Did you know Alaska isn't an island?
Teacher-in-training #2: Um... Yes...
Teacher-in-training #1: Oh. 'Cause I just found out yesterday.
Lansing, Michigan
1PM Enough to Make a Raft and Sail to New Zealand
Worker bee: I've got a carton of condoms. Do you think that will be enough?
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: Rachelle
4PM The Sacrifice of the Mascot
Office grunt #1: Isn't there some word for that sort of recursive image? Like the pig who's about to eat a piece of bacon, or the chicken with a bucket of KFC under her arm?
Office grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traipsing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Office grunt #1: Oh, yeah!
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
3PM Exactly Why I Asked
Passenger: What time does the five o'clock bus leave?
Bus driver, sarcastically: I don't know.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Another bus driver
5PM I Get the Deduction -- That's What Counts
Cashier to customer #1: Awww, how cute! Is he your son?
Customer #2: No, he's my son.
Cashier, pointing to customer #1: Are you sure? He looks like his son!
Government building
Washington, DC
3PM I'd Like to Pay for It with Monopoly Money
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
5PM Yeah, but My Head's Not Full Yet
Office girl #1: I want to start reading more books.
Office girl #2: Didn't you just read yesterday?
11940 Jollyville Road
Austin, Texas
1PM First, They Walk into a Bar
Suit: So, your friend is Puerto Rican and he's donating a kidney to a Jew? How can they do that?
California Street
San Francisco, California
1PM I'll Just Put on My Earflap Hat
Worker bee: Will this be in Canadian or English?
100 Centre Drive
Austin, Texas
1PM And Don't Even Get Me Started on Latex Blends
CSR: Don't you slide out of leather easier than cloth?
Hammarlund Way
Middletown, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Weasal whisperer
10AM You See the Shovel under Glass That Says "Break in Case of Emergency"?
Worker on phone: It's covered in poo -- what do I do?!
Fancy chocolate store, Stony Point Fashion Park
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Yum-yum
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
9AM Neither -- I'm Running Ubuntu Linux
Coworker on phone: Do you have a Mac or a real computer?
Bowling Green, Ohio
1PM And for a Short Time, He Will Like You More
Female peon: Even if a guy doesn't like you it's still nice if you give him a blow job, right?
Male peon: Yeah, that's nice... That's reeeal nice... That's Toys-for-Tots-nice.
1200 Yankee Doodle Road
Eagan, Minnesota
10AM Can't Talk. Playing Pong.
Old guy, about computer monitor: What do you all stare at on these things?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM When Government Leads, the People Will Follow
Manager: What's this? Everyone acts stupid all of a sudden.
2300 Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM Nah, the Wisdom Of the East Side
Chinese coworker: Where did my customer go? She was there a minute ago and now she's disappeared.
White coworker: She probably went to the bathroom.
Chinese coworker: Maybe her baby was drowning in the bathroom and she had to go rescue it.
White coworker, after long pause: What the fuck is that, an old Chinese proverb?
50th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cp
9AM Plus Clowns
Coworker #1: What is Cirque du Soleil anyway?
Coworker #2: I went to the website -- it looks like it's just a bunch of Asians stretching.
Columbus, Ohio
5PM I Don't Get Indoors Much
Man: Is that meeting here on the tenth floor?
Woman: No, it's on the eleventh floor.
Man: Okay. Is that one floor up?
2775 Laurel Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
4PM We're in a Roaring Metal Tube Full of Idiots -- It Couldn't Hurt
Flight attendant #1: I used to get high before studying for tests. Did you ever try it?
Flight attendant #2: No, no, I never did that.
Flight attendant #1: It really works... Hey, did you study the new rules for flights shorter than two hours? Lots of information.
Flight attendant #2: Are you high right now?
Flight attendant #1: ... Why do you ask?
United flight
Nebraska
Overheard by: Ken
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse
Chick shoving sandwich at guy: Do you want this?
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?
401 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brooklynhero
12PM Very '80s
Worker #1: Wow, that's a large bush, Pat*.
Worker #2: Yeah...
Worker #1: I mean, it's nice! Do you think it's large?
Worker #2: A little, but I like it.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
4PM I Want to See the Baby Eat the Cobra
Art director: Does anyone want to see a baby wrestle a cobra?
West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM The "T" Is Silent but Deadly
Receptionist: Farce? Is that like farts?
352 7th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM In the Crisper, behind the Lettuce
Female boss: We need to add more scrotum!
Male designer: ... Are you serious?
Female boss: Yeah, apparently we're missing a few.
Male designer: Got it. Where's the scrotum?
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: The Other Designer
2PM Really? That Much, Huh?
Boss on phone with client: So, what's been going on? In a new company? You spreading your legs and taking it all in?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: only female in the office
4PM Should Be Tattooed on Your Inner Thigh
Sales guy to customer: Can I have your date of birth and expiration date?
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Nikki
1PM A Career in Bioethics Is Waiting for You!
Auto salesman: When are you due?
Young woman: Two weeks. I can't wait for this to be over.
Auto salesman: This is just the beginning! The baby is much more work.
Young woman: No, I mean, I can't wait to not be such a fatass. I hate fat people.
Auto salesman: Uh-huh.
Young woman: Can you imagine how many people get abortions because they don't want to be fat?
Auto salesman, after long pause: I can honestly say that no, I cannot imagine that.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Purely horrified
11AM The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Icebox
Employee: So, there was nothing in the fridge? Just the dog?
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
9AM Miranda, You Get an Exemption 'til Your Eyebrows Grow Back
Boss: Okay, who's not afraid of fire?
McLean, Virginia
2PM Which, by the Way, Don't Knock Unless You've Tried
CSR: Do you know the part number of the item you are looking for?
Customer: It's C-S...
CSR: C-S? As in 'cat sandwich'?
Braintree, Massachusetts
11AM Exactly How I Get People to Work Weekends
Senior manager: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Kid on speakerphone: If you were here, you'd know.
42nd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM That Poster of Paris Hilton Over Your Bed, for One Thing
Dude #1: Hey, thanks dude, you really didn't have to.
Dude #2: Oh, that's okay, man -- no problem.
Dude #1: So, how did you know I liked princesses?
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: lesley
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?
Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...
470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: pledging
9AM Never Anywhere Near a Diaper
Toddler: What are you doing?
Mom: I'm changing your diaper.
Toddler: Now what are you doing?
Mom: I'm wiping you.
Toddler: Where's my penis?
Mom: It's right there.
Toddler: Where's Daddy?
Stop & Shop
New Paltz, New York
9AM You're Just Too Macho to Say 'I Love Her'
Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait... So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.
571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
11AM People Eat Those?
Coworker #1: Hey, would anyone like one of my canned Vienna sausages?
Coworker #2: Can you suck the jelly off of it first?
Coast Guard Headquarters
Washington, DC
4PM Plus, Who Would We Get to Clean Our Rain Gutters?
Manager: How's your mother?
Employee: She's coming home tonight. They wanted to put her in a nursing home, but I said, 'No way.' Not at Christmas.
Manager: Doesn't she need that level of care?
Employee: Not at Christmas, she doesn't.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
3PM And That Conversation Got Me to Turn My Life Around
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM It's Wherever God Is at the Time
Office worker #1: Hey, here's a great trip -- 10 days in Italy and the Holy Land. Where's the Holy Land?
Office worker #2: Use your head. Where do you think the Holy Land is?
Office worker #1: Venice?
155 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: One Who Knows
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
3PM Also Like... What's the Word? ... Real Life
Coworker #1 watching pep rally pass by: Why aren't any of the guy cheerleaders hot? The girls are all pretty -- the guys should be hotter.
Coworker #2: It's kind of like... What do you call it? ... Porn.
328 W Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: (Snort)
5PM Loves Burping the Air Out
Dude: Why you goin' to a tupperware party? You're a grown-ass man, dawg!
10 Coventry Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: supremo
1PM Life: 1 Art: 0
Male coworker: How's the book I lent you?
Female coworker: It's good. I got up to the part where he changes his name, but I was on the bus and a girlfriend started fighting with her boyfriend, so I stopped reading to watch that.
139 Highland Street
Port Chester, New York
Overheard by: soon to be hired
3PM All That Is Covered in the Illustrated Syllabus
Teacher: Okay, so now that you know the basic rules of the computer lab, I have to ask you one more question... Do any of you ever check out the NMBLA website? [Silence.] Well I do, frequently. I want to know who the enemy is. Also, I like to look at the new Russian brides on Fridays.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cupcake1
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
10AM Captain Obvious Has Bowel Movements, Too
Guy in stall #1: Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay. You still wanna do that today?
Massive eruption occurs from next stall.
Guy in stall #2: Huh? Oh, that... I'm taking a shit right now...
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
2PM God, How I Want Her
Contract attorney: Ann Coulter? She looks like a bag full of antlers.
575 7th Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Daniel
11AM The World Is Full of People Whose Stories Start in the Middle and Don't Go Anywhere
Client: Guess who I met today?
Staff: Who?
Client: Some guy on the bus that used to go here, but I don't know his name.
4558 Roswell Road
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM Just the Grilled Water, Then
Server: Are you ready?
Customer: I don't know what I want. What do you like?
Server: When the customer makes up his mind and orders.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: I Like the Grilled Tuna
3PM Warning! Warning! Truth Outbreak in Sector Seven!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Interviewee: Within the firm, are there opportunities for advancement?
Interviewer: Basically, it's an entry-level job -- when you begin it's going to be like,'Shut up and color, we're going to micro-manage you.'
15th Street and Yamhill Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: PH factor
1PM I Heard the Whole Country Is below Sea Level and Surrounded by a Ring of Lesbians
Auditor: What is a 'Dutch Auction Tender Offer'? Is that where they go to Dutch and have an auction? ... Where is Dutch?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
10AM They May Be Deltas
Guy #1: I really want to find this book that I read in high school... It was called, like, Brave New World or something.
Guy #2: Um, no, you're thinking of 'I Can Show You the World.'
Guy #1: Oh! ... Wait, no, that's that song from Aladdin.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah... So what section would it be in?
Guy #1: I don't know, Fiction? No, wait -- Non-fiction!
Barnes and Noble
Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Leia
5PM The Silver Lining
Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here
1PM Well, They Are Still behind Your Shirt, If That's What You Mean
Woman on way to meeting: Are my boobs sticking out enough?
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM They Can't Recruit, So They Have to Reproduce
College boy #1: She's engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That's gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
10AM Goodness, Mr. Lay, Your Firm's Financial Report Certainly Is Heavy!
Customer: Why is your store so big?
Salesgirl: [Silence.]
Customer: I'm an accountant -- I notice these things.
Chocolate store
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Other Salesgirl
9AM He Learned Science in Kansas
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, 'So, are these minerals... are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there...? Like, in the real world?'
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
9AM Or I'll Just Start Using My Health Insurance Card
Dude #1: I've lost five ATM cards this year.
Dude #2: How do you lose five ATM cards?
Dude #1: Doing a lot of coke... I'm thinking about stopping with the coke.
Haight Street and Clayton Street
San Francisco, California
3PM And I'm Not 100% Sure about Kangaroos, Either
Pizza Hut driver: Would you rather fight a kangaroo or wolverine?
Pizza Hut CSR: Well, kangaroos are pretty tough, but wolverines aren't real.
7th Street and Union Hills
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Nope, Sold Them to the Gypsies to Pay the Bills
Student: Mrs. Smith*, do you have any kids?
Mrs. Smith: No, I don't have children.
Student: Did somebody steal them?
1212 Cheyenne Boulevard
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Sheri
5PM We Ran Out of Monkey Wax
Research supervisor on phone: So, question -- monkeys. Apparently one got a rash during the drug trial, but no one noticed because she was really hairy. Yeah, really, really hairy. She's a hairy monkey. What do you know about that?
West Point, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alison
1PM Renoir: Doc, I'm Going to Need More Tetrodoxin
Blonde #1: I wonder... Did they have photography when this artist was alive?
Blonde #2: Well, I don't really know. Why do you ask?
Blonde #1: Well, how did they get the people to stand still long enough to paint their faces and stuff?
The Louvre
Paris
France
Overheard by: Mindy WIlson
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
12PM I Also Have an Intermediate Grasp of European
Air Force interviewer: What did you major in at college?
Interviewee: Chinese. Well, actually, my degree was in 'Asian and Middle Eastern Languages and Literature.'
Air Force interviewer: Oh, that's so cool. So, you speak Asian?
Interviewee: Um, yes.
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM He's Been Burned Before
Skank: Can I use your bathroom?
Clerk: Only if you promise not to pee on the floor.
Skank: Okay.
7-Eleven, Westmoreland Street and Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lane In Richmond
3PM Is This One of Those Microsoft Interview Questions?
Receptionist: I'm going to Hawaii next week. If I wanted to swim under the entire island, how deep would I have to go?
1600 Utica Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM At Camp Marion Barry
Military personnel: Adam* looks like hell this morning -- like he was smoking crack all night. Adam, you are a civilian, right?
Adam: Yes.
Military personnel: Ah, then it's alright. You don't get drug-tested like us. Smoke all the crack you want.
Washington, DC
5PM I'm Also Real Good at Hiding in the Stock Room
Chick: So you don't know anything about anything behind the service desk?
Old manager: No, nothing.
Chick: So what happens if someone comes in here and robs us? You don't know how to push the button to call the cops?
Old manager: No.
Chick: So... what if that happens?
Old manager: I do know how to hire a new person.
Lawyers Road
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: CSReppingsucks.
2PM Me Jane. Tarzan Away on Business
Guy: How are you going to tell your mom that you didn't do your homework because you have a gorilla fetish?
Girl: It's not a fetish, I'm just curious about their... stuff.
Guy: It's still fucked up.
Washington Avenue Bridge, University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM Not Knowing Is Better Than Thinking It Means 'Imply'
Student: I just read the stupidest word on my Bio diploma. 'Infer'? What the fuck does 'infer' mean?
1200 Festival Road
Sherwood Park, Alberta
Canadia
5PM Hours Later, Bloody and Rumpled, They Declared a Truce
Managing director: Did you meet Daron* yesterday?
HR recruiter: Daron?
Managing director: I introduced him to you yesterday.
HR recruiter: Who?
Managing director: I did.
HR recruiter: No, you didn't.
Managing director: ... Maybe I'm going crazy. You know -- Daron, with the dreads.
HR recruiter: With what?
Managing director: Dreads. You know -- dreadlocks.
HR recruiter: Oh, I hate those.
Managing director: What? Dreadlocks have been around since the Bible.
HR recruiter: What?
Managing director: Since Samson and Delilah. Samson had dreads.
HR recruiter: Who did?
Managing director: Samson!
HR recruiter: You mean Daron?
Managing director: Who?
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
1PM And That's When I Remembered the Nipple Piercings
Employee: I would really like to apologize for running late this morning. It won't happen again.
Boss: Could you please turn your shirt right-side out?
350 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Susan
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
2PM And I Won't Read to the Blind Either! They've Got Braille!
Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can't walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Waistline: It's the Cheesesteaks
Harvard MBA student: So, are you flying back tonight? What airport are you flying into? New York?
Suit: Why would we fly to New York? We're from Philadelphia.
Harvard MBA student: I didn't know Philadelphia had an airport.
Suit: It's the fifth-largest city in the U.S., of course it has an airport.
Harvard MBA student: Largest city? Based on what?
Suit: Uh, population...
Harvard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not hiring any MBAs
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
3PM The Civil War Re-enactors Ruined That for Everybody
Employee: Do you think I can leave my machete on display? I moved my plants and posters.
Supervisor: Machete, cool. Bayonet, not cool. I already asked HR.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Think I'll Request A Different Cubicle
2PM Around Here We Call It 'Napalm'
Customer: I know you wouldn't carry Jell-O, but do you have something exactly like it but called something else?
Whole Foods
Silver Spring, Maryland
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
5PM Because Sometimes the Purest Expressions of Love Need No Words
Coworker: Why won't any sex offenders talk to me?
1334 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls
Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
11AM People Going through a Dry Spell?
Employee: I mean, really -- who uses the word 'lubricant' in passing?
48th Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM I Will Never Forget Our Little Chat
Manager: So, my wife had to give me an enema this weekend. I thought I was going to die.
New girl: Are you serious?
Manager: Yes. I am always serious.
Christina Street
Sarnia, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Leoness
5PM What's That on Your Upper Lip?
Professor: Given the above table, who thinks penguin milk has less fat than seal milk?
Half the class raises their hands.
Professor: How many think penguin milk has more fat than seal milk?
Other half raises their hands.
Professor to TA: This is a bad sign.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: someone easily tricked at 8am sans coffee
4PM Exactly the Kind of Dirty Work You Avoid on Vacation
Woman #1: How was your vacation?
Woman #2: Great!
Woman #3: You look great! Did you have fun?
Woman #2: Lots of sex, no kids, and lots of beach time.
Woman #1: You have sex on vacation?
Bergen, New Jersey
11AM Dude, It's a Big Continent
White professional #1: Did you know that there's a coming of age ceremony in Africa where the nephew has to blow the uncle?
White professional #2: No, there isn't!
White professional #1: Yes, there is, I swear... [Turns to African-American coworker] Right, Kareem?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Hermitage
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
3PM I'll Be Anything If It'll Get Me Laid
Employee #1: Is anyone here a feminist?
Employee #2: What's that?
Employee #1: So, that would be a no...
1301 Central Avenue
Evanston, Illinois
1PM And What Is That Bright Object in the Sky?
Pale girl: Look at these freckles on the back of my hand. Oh, my -- what is this dark ring?!
Smoker: That's called a tan.
130 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
9AM Sorry, We Lost All of Ours, Too
Management material: Can I have a job application? I came in last week for one but I lost it.
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: Jaime who deals with dumb people
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM Apparently He Never Went Drinking with College Girls
Hardware tech #1: He probably covered the screwdriver in vaseline and lit it on fire.
Hardware tech #2: Actually, it was a woman. I mean, how dangerous can a woman with a screwdriver be?
460 Hillside Street
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
2PM Different Day, Same Shit
Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.
7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: mac774
12PM You're on the List of Idiots Born August 5th, Though
Coworker #1: Hey, look -- a list of famous people born on Friday the 13th.
Coworker #2: I wonder if I was born on Friday the 13th...
Coworker #1: When's your birthday?
Coworker #2: August 5th.
Coworker #1: Then no...
Weehawken, New Jersey
Overheard by: Brian
5PM Didn't You See Me Roll That Drunk in the Parking Lot?
10-year-old boy to mom: 63 dollars? Do you have that kind of cash?
Disneyland entrance gates
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: amused disney worker
3PM Pretty People Still Have to Stand Up
Female coworker: I wish I was disabled.
Male coworker: What? Why?
Female coworker: 'Cause then people would do things for you, like carry your stuff and get you things.
Male coworker: People do that for pretty people -- why don't you wish to be pretty?
910 Louisiana Avenue
Houston, Texas
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
11AM Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights
Salesman: It's this whole 'No Child Left Behind, let's get all the kids to graduate college' bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who's gonna do the work? Huh? Who's gonna dig the ditches? Who's gonna pick up the trash? We don't need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.
Birch Street
Brea, California
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
3PM The Aunt Needed to Be Wormed after an Unfortunate Incident with a Tequila Bottle
Sales assistant #1: My dad came over this last weekend and wormed Annabelle for me.
Office manager: Why did your dad have to do it?
Sales assistant #2: Is this your aunt?
Office manager: Don't you just give her a pill?
Sales assistant #1: No, you put it up her... poo.
Sales assistant #2: Ummm...
Sales assistant #3: It's an animal, Ed*!
Sales assistant #1: My dad wormed Josie, too. He has to put the medicine up the dog's tushy.
Sales assistant #2: Ohhh, okay, I thought this was her aunt. I'm okay now.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Where U.S. Army Officials Go to 'Investigate' Suspected Homosexual Acts
Old man: So, this was a good queer movie.
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: Where are the other movies about dykes and queers?
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: I want to know if they are really sexy, though.
Cedar Street
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: silenced
3PM 'Dear Penthouse' Letters
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I'm 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I'm her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
2PM You Should See the Water Sports Department
Female coworker: What are Dick's?
Male coworker: Oh, Dick's are huge!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Meghan
11AM You Want a Bite?
Female coworker: Dude. What's with the mutton chops?
Male coworker: Just keepin' it awesome, babe.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up
Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.
Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia
3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat
Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?
Caesars, Indiana
Overheard by: Fatty
12PM That Depends on How Nice Your Car Is
Coworker: Let's go for a ride. Does your top come off?
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: smooth
10AM Usually If You Hate the Jews, You Just End up Getting Slapped on the Wrist for a DUI in Malibu
Teen boy: Did Walt Disney hate the Jews?
Teen girl: No, I don't think so. I mean, that's not why he died or anything.
Harper Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Po
5PM Also, Will I Meet a Tall Dark Stranger on an Upcoming Voyage?
Customer: I need to have some work done on my car, and I want to know how much it's going to cost.
Shop guy: Okay, let's go take a look.
Customer: Well, the car isn't here, it's at my house.
Shop guy: You need to bring the car here if you want an estimate.
Customer: I don't need an estimate, I just want to know how much it's going to cost.
Auto body shop
New Jersey
4PM So You'll Have to Buy a Clue Somewhere Else
Customer on phone: Can you transfer me to the Electronic section?
Best Buy clerk: Uh, anyone in particular?
Customer on phone: Yes, Electronics.
Best Buy clerk: Sir, you do realize we are an electronic store, right?
Bowie, Maryland
11AM Reagan: The Hidden Diaries
Employee on phone: Did you poop? Did you poop today? Will you poop with me when I get home? Okay, we'll poop together when I get home.
New York, New York
10AM No, I Quit Because None of Them Were Prostitutes
Male administrator: So, are you a prostitute?
Female administrator: Excuse me?
Male administrator: It's a line from that movie, Monster.
Female administrator: You can't just go around saying things like that to people.
Male administrator: Oh. Well, I used to do it all the time at my old job.
Female administrator: Is that why you're not working there anymore?
Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
12PM When the Company Switched to Voodoo Performance Management
Coworker #1: What the hell am I looking at here?
Coworker #2: Could be blood, could be nothing.
Alpharetta, Georgia
4PM A Misguided Attempt to Assert Alpha Female Status
Female coworker #1: Are your poops big?
Female coworker #2: Well, I don't exactly examine...
Female coworker #1: Well, compare your big poop to something in real life.
Female coworker #2: This is ridiculous.
Female coworker #1: No, I'm serious.
Female coworker #2: I don't know, an egg?
Female coworker #1: How many eggs?
Female coworker #2: Three, four?
Female coworker #1: Well, my big poop is like the size of a Nalgene water bottle.
Gladstone Avenue & Galena Boulevard
Aurora, Illinois
Overheard by: Just Trying to Eat My Lunch
1PM The Demonican Party Is Known for Its Opposition to the Space-Time Continuum
Guy: Are you a Republican?
Girl: No, I am a Demonican.
Guy: You mean Democrat?
Girl: Let's change the subject.
Guy: Okay, well, who did you vote for in the 2004 election?
Girl: Clinton.
Guy: Yeah, let's change the subject.
The Coffee Tree, 223 Watson Boulevard
Warner Robins, Georgia
Overheard by: Jonathan Willis
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
11AM Even a Dumb Chick Is Right Once Every Thousand Years
Bimbette #1: Like, what's a millennium?
Bimbette #2: I think it's, like, when the year changes or something.
Video store,
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: A Thousand Years of Blondes
5PM Could Have Happened to Any of Us
Office girl #1: What's wrong?
Office girl #2, gagging: I was miming committing suicide by glue stick, and I accidentally inhaled.
N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
9AM What Was the Question Again?
Coworker #1: What happened to the mailbox?
Coworker #2: What about it?
Coworker #1: It's gone!
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah...
2201 Commerce Drive
Fremont, Ohio
12PM You Have to Keep Your Pinky Extended
Customer: I have not ordered this product.
Service person: But we have a contract that you have signed.
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: I'm sorry?
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: Would you do it like a gentleman?
Potsdam, Germany
12PM Well, You'll Have Lots of Time to Practice, Because You're Fired
Supervisor: Did someone order colored pencils from the office supply place?
Assistant: I'm thinking of becoming a caricaturist.
330 Madison Ave
New York City
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
12PM I've Voted for Them in Every Election Since 1992
Designer: How are you on vaccuum-packed sausage wieners?
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM She'll Regurgitate it into Your Mouth for You, Like a Mother Bird
Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.
Corper's Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria
11AM Sometimes Guys Like a Little Extra Friction
Director, pointing to picture: This sister? Is she older than you?
Employee: No I'm the oldest.
Director: She looks older than you. Both your sisters do.
Employee: That's because they both stopped taking their estrogen. They dried up.
365 W Passaic St,
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle right outside
5PM It Was His Midterm Exam; He's a Plumbing Sciences Major
College guy #1: Hey, man. You escape?
College guy #2: Yeah man. I took out the toilet and went through the wall.
333 Western Ave
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: someone standing in line just in front of them
2PM Well, I Do Have a Master's in Evacuation
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
355 North Euclid Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
1PM He's Manager for a Reason
Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM In the UN Intramural League, we're Just 'Dem Bums'
Engineer to lunchroom: So do you guys know if we're officially called 'United States of America' or is it just 'United States'?
413 Pine St
Seattle, Washington
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
3PM What They Use to Mix Cocktails in the 'Hood
Foreign coworker: What is a 'jigga'?
Male coworker: I don't know, I'm Turkish.
Female coworker: I don't know, I'm White.
44th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Once You Hear the Phrase 'Tore My Ass Muscle,' the Worst Is Almost Certainly Over
Female employee: Are you limping?
Male employee: Yeah, I tore my ass muscle again.
Female admin: Just stop right there, I don't want to hear anymore.
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM At the Urban Legend Semifinals
Assistant #1: Did you know that one of the ingredients in gum is coyote urine?
Assistant #2: Did you know that there's something in cat urine that causes schizophrenia?
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM But I'm the Janitor!
Account biller #1: Let me ask you something, what am I supposed to do with those claims the boss just gave me?
Account biller #2: Your job, perhaps?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cala
12PM And who do you Mean When you Say 'You'?
Coworker #1: Did you work here in 1993?
Coworker #2: 'Here' in what sense?
1110 West Washington Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: next cube over
11AM Another Victim of the 'Math Is Hard' Barbie
Barista: What are you going to do when you grow up?
Little girl: Doctor.
Barista: You want to be a doctor? That's wonderful!
Little girl: No. Mommy told me to marry doctor and have kids. I want 27!
Ft Valley Road
Flagstaff, Arizona
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
3PM Pssst. Humans Are in Heat all the Time
Male coworker: It says I have to create a 'heat ticket.' Where is that?
Female coworker: Just open a general service ticket. I haven't had to go into heat to get that done.
50 Beele
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: JuJuBe
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
2PM One EggBeater Experience is Enough
Employee #1: Ok, I'm taking breakfast orders for the meeting, what do you guys want?
Employee #2: Ummm, I'll have the western omelette.
Employee #1: Ok.
Employee #2: Oh, wait...are there eggs in that?
Employee #1: Uh, yeah!
Employee #2: Okay then!
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: You've got to be kidding
10AM Viagra?
CSR waving papers around: How do you get the thingy to do the stuff?
323 E Grand River
Howell Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
5PM May I Suggest Decaf, Sir?
Suit: Why do we have Swiss Miss and Nesquik?
Warehouse guy: Ummm, they're not the same thing.
Suit: How so? They both make hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Well, maybe cause Swiss Miss goes in milk and water?
Suit: So why don't we just keep this around? It's a multi-tasking hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Huh? Ummm, well, maybe people like the way Nesquik 'multi-tasks.' It can be put in cold or hot milk. Good for the summer.
Suit: And this can't?
Warehouse guy: Dunno. Don't think so...
Suit: Forget it! I'll have coffee!
The Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: CoffeeJunky
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM NewsFlash: Student Expelled for Refusing to 'Dumb Down' Answers
Teacher: Scott*, can you give the next answer?
Student: Religion is the belief in a supernatural and the relationship with this being.
Teacher: Could you please speak normally next time?
Student: I am.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise
Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University
Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??
Rochelle Park
New Jersey
5PM All that Remains Since We Can No Longer Surf for Porn on the Job
Employee to boss: Hey I know it's the end of the day on Friday, but I'm really bored, do you have anything for me to do?
Boss: Oh! Here have some bubblewrap!
137 4th Ave
Edmonton Alabama
5PM Sure. And "Prosaic" Means a Mosaic Made of Prose.
Bookstore clerk: Prose? I thought that was a kind of poetry.
Bookstore, Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
3PM Which Means I Don't Understand the Question
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American...
Customer: I'm Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
2PM Well, Yes, But Only on an Evolutionary Time Scale
Young white girl: You need to wear sunscreen. My mommy told me that skin gets dark if you don't wear sunscreen.
Young black girl: I was BORN dark.
Young black boy: Me, too.
Young white girl: Really?
Young black boy: I wear sunscreen, too.
Young white girl: You were born that way? So it's not the sun? Really?
Preschool
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amused Pre-K teacher
4PM You Know That Rumor That Iron Filings Are Better Than Cocaine?
Man on cell: What made you stick a magnet up your nose?
5th & Jackson Streets
Topeka, Kansas
3PM Eventually, Sure
Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?
Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio
1PM The Concept of 'Caring' Was Not Covered at MIT -- Please Explain
Engineer #1: So how's it going?
Engineer #2: Crazy. Completely crazy. Why'd you ask?
Engineer #1: Because I care, dumbass.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: really touched
9AM In Fairness, He Was Cross-Dressing at the Time
Construction worker #1: So you know how I knew you were gay?
Construction worker #2: WHAT?
Construction worker #1: It's cool, dude. But know how I knew?
Construction worker #2: [shakes head]
Construction worker #1: When you started making out with me at happy hour last week.
Construction worker #2: Oh. Oh, yeah.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate
Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.
Santa Barbara, California
2PM Either Way, Really
Plumber: What do I have to do to install gas lines?
Admin: You have to take our class and enroll in a drug and alcohol testing program.
Plumber: You mean I gotta be on drugs to install gas lines?
Admin: No, sir, you have to NOT be on drugs.
Plumber: Oh, OK. I can do that.
5461 Southwyck Boulevard
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Emily
12PM At the Johnny Carcinoma Show
Boss: So did you work things out?
Intern: Yeah, I talked to him when I dropped the tumor off.
Martin Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: sleeping with my eyes open
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Here, I'll Show You with My Fingers -- The Difference Is the Long One in the Middle
Senior consultant: Hey, what's the difference between four and five?
Consultant: How am I getting paid less than you?
Waterloo, London
Overheard by: he said what I was thinking
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
12PM Which Reminds Me: It's Performance Review Time
Coworker #1: How's the weather outside?
Coworker #2: Pretty good, it's like getting spit on.
Brooklyn Army Terminal
Brooklyn, New York
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
10AM Except Today They Were Spouting Some Nonsense About Loving My Neighbor
Coworker #1: What radio station do you listen to on your way to work?
Coworker #2: I listen to a Christian station so I can prepare myself for dealing with you assholes.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: one of the assholes
3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck
Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?
9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: T
9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11
Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!
750 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
5PM For Your Comfort and Safety, Remember That Kids Are Pretty Literal
School social worker, to kindergartner on lap: So what happened right before you ran out of your classroom?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: What do you mean, you're peeing?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: [jumps up, displaying huge wet spot on her pants]
Kindergartner: I TOLD you I was peeing.
5130 Roxbury Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Fair warning given
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'
Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl
Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?
Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'
Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?
505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: Chicken soup
1PM And What Could I Cover It With?
Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.
IKEA
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
4PM She's Either Got a Really Short Spine or Is Crouching on Her Heels
Male coworker: What are those? Are they thighs?
Female coworker: No, they're breasts. Ginormous breasts!
555 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
2PM She Couldn't Find the Container of White Powder
Blond barmaid: What's in a whiskey and coke?
Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: retired from the service industry
1PM No, You've Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel
Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you're my dad?
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Still laughing now
4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
1PM A Brain That Dresses All Seductive but Won't Put Out?
Receptionist: What's a brainteaser?
16 Bailey Avenue
Ridgefield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nikki
9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight
Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM Why I Have No Pictures on My Desk
Lackey: So that's your wife, huh?
Suit: Yep.
Lackey: She's a grade-school teacher?
Suit: Yes.
Lackey: She looks like that one that had sex with her thirteen-year-old student.
275 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies
Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!
Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: BigWig
10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess
Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.
28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Won't They Need to Wait for Him to Get Back to Do That?
Employee #1: Is this Sammy's* or yours?
Employee #2: I think it's Sammy's.
Employee #1: I don't want to shuffle everything off to him since he's on vacation.
Employee #2: No, he's not here... let's screw him!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
3PM We Only Sell Information Here
Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]
Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
12PM That Explains Some of the Stains, Though
Lawyer: Oh, he's a philanderer?
Legal assistant: No, he works at a paint store.
14340 57th Avenue
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
4PM Actually, It's a Generational Rorschach Test
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: Pop Culturally Literate
2PM Worried It Might Get Chicago Wet
Coworker #1: Did it rain while you were in Chicago?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: Oh, that's good. I saw on the Weather Channel that it was raining in Virginia, and I got worried.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
1PM Even in the Black Hills You See White People
Aussie: Is Motown a black state?
American: Uh, actually Motown is a nickname for Detroit, and a record label.
Aussie: Is Detroit a black state?
American: No, it's a city.
Aussie: Is Tennessee a black state?
American: Whaaa... there's no such thing as a black state.
Aussie: There isn't?
Reservoir Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Yank Down Under
11AM But I Play One on TV
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: lauren
10AM He Was Much Worse Before the Diversity Training
Suit: You're Asian, so I bet you want tea. We Americans like our morning coffee.
Asian interviewee #1: No, I had Starbucks on the way here.
Suit: We Americans like milk in our coffee. Asians drink it black, right?
Asian interviewee #2: No, I take mine light and sweet.
Suit: Well, you still wanna work here, right?
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing in America
1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming
Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: underpaid TA
10AM Next You'll Be Claiming People Lived in Mexico Before the Spanish Colonized It!
Customer: That's a pretty name. Different.
Cashier: Yeah, you don't see it much up here. It's Mexican.
Customer: Don't you mean it's Spanish?
Cashier: No, it's Mexican in origin.
Customer: Racist.
Sprague and Sullivan
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: It's this whole other country
9AM How's Tomorrow Sound?
Underling: What do you want me to do today?
Superboss: That's a good question. I can talk about that whenever you're ready.
4000 Shoreline Court
San Francisco, California
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
11AM I Hear They Have a Rivalry with the Fallujah Branch
Coworker #1: What branch of the military was he in?
Coworker #2: In the U.S.A. branch.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Kain
10AM Situational Ethics
Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.
Midtown
New York, New York
4PM It's a Marriage
Woman #1: So is it a booty call if you only have sex some of the time?
Woman #2: No, it's worse.
3600 Port of Tacoma Road
Tacoma, Washington
1PM Too Bad It's Another Part That Got the Clap
Girl #1: My boyfriend is in the pen.
Girl #2: For how long?
Girl #1: He's been there for three years.
Girl #2: Wow! You've been faithful to him for three years?
Girl #1: My heart has been...
2720 Villa Prom
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: FrancesDanger
10AM It's Really More About Where They Land, Isn't It?
Peon: I wanted to show you this order. I think someone dropped the ball.
Sales associate: Let's see whose order it is...Oh, it's Ryan's*. And he's out this week.
Peon: Uh-oh.
Sales associate: See what happens when you go on vacation? Your balls get dropped!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM In the Future, Black People Will Get to Do Things While Whitey Pays to Watch
Black co-worker: Hey, how are you doing today?
Redneck co-worker: If I were you, I wouldn't speak to me today.
Black co-worker: Why is that? What's wrong with you?
Redneck co-worker: I'm not too fond of you black people today. That damn Tiger Woods has won another Major.
Black co-worker: Oh, that's all? Well, what are you going to do when we take over NASCAR?
Redneck co-worker: [Bewildered silence]
1000 Jerry St. Pe Highway
Gulf Coast, Mississippi
Overheard by: The Guy sitting next to the idiot
5PM He Could Trip on a Tampon at Any Moment!
Techie guy #1: You know how my friends Jason and Mike rode their bikes to Mexico and then to Costa Rica to play poker?
Techie guy #2: Yeah.
Techie guy #1: Well, Mike's living with this girl he met in Mexico.
Techie guy #2: Is that safe?
11000 Regency Parkway
Cary, North Carolina
9AM 2006: Al Qaeda Reaches Alaska
Admin: Do you need help with anything?
Engineer: Nobody ever asks that here. What are you up to?
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Overworked
2PM It All Started Back in My Mother's Fallopian Tube...
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Employee: You really want to know?
Boss: No.
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
2PM He Has Those Shifty Eyes
Teacher: "Uncertain." What does "uncertain" mean?
7-Year-Old boy: Like you're not sure about it?
Teacher: Good! What's an example of something you're uncertain about?
7-Year-Old boy, after thinking for a moment: God.
1554 Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory
Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not the person either
10AM She Knows Where Jimmy Hoffa Is, Though
Desk assistant: So what happens if we go on strike? Do we not come to work?
CBS Broadcast Center, 524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: This is the future of network news
3PM Why Generation Y Already Out-Earns Generation X
Assistant: You ever do something repeatedly--so much, that you're like, "Whoa, this isn't real. I'm not doing this!"?
Intern: Umm...
Assistant: Like, when you're staring at your face in the mirror for so long that you're like, "Whoa! That's not my face! This isn't real!" Hasn't that ever happened to you?
Intern: No. That's usually when I stop drinking.
900 2nd Street NE
Washington, DC
2PM It's Their Wellness Program
General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it's nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can't!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I'm feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.
Beaumont, Texas
1PM Then What Kind of Tree Would You Be?
Lawyer: So, he was all like, "But I'm a cabinet maker." And I was like, "But what if you were a brain surgeon..."
111 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Neither a cabinet maker nor a brain surgeon
12PM Plus, They Poop All Over Your Suit
Male co-worker: I don't understand why taking your baby on your lap in an airplane is such a bad idea.
Female co-worker: Dude, what if you crash? That can't be safe.
Male co-worker: You're right, I guess. Babies probably don't make great flotation devices.
590 North Shore Drive
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Ashley
11AM And Blackmail? That Pretty Legal, Also?
Lawyer: Put your John Hancock on these documents, please.
Daughter: You sure this is legal? I mean, with me being your kid and all?
Lawyer: It is very legal. Far more legal than any of the drugs you have experimented with on my credit card.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
9AM Send in Jack Bauer!
Dad: Honey, where's your teddy bear?
3-year-old girl: Oh, the terrorist are hiding him.
Overlake Hospital
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Nurse says what
2PM Or Tommy Lee
Female employee #1: ...so if the sun exploded seven minutes ago, we wouldn't know it yet, because it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to reach us.
Male employee: That's depressing! What would you do in those seven minutes?
Female employee #1: If I were at work? Have sex.
Male employee: Isn't that's a lot of pressure on the guy?
Female employee #1: Please. Guys are usually all, "Gimme two minutes!"
Female employee #2: You could do three guys in that time!
Female employee #1: Three and a half!
Boulevard Sacré Coeur
Gatineau, Quebec
Overheard by: Sara
11AM Cheap Dinner Dates?
Loud secretary: What do you call people who are from Dutch?
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hiding in cubicle
10AM When It Gets Wedged Under a Bridge Abutment, Don't Come Crying to Me
Customer rep: Hey, it's 112 inches tall. Is that legal?
Truck rep: No.
Customer rep: Well, we're doing it anyway.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Flowood, Mississippi
Overheard by: the Intern
2PM They Prefer to Be Called...Um... Something Different This Year
Older woman #1: What are you going to do while you're here?
Young man: Oh, I'm gonna shop like a mofo!
Older woman #1: Mofo? What is that?
Older woman #2: What does that mean?
Young man: Uh...it, uh...means I'm gonna shop a lot!
Older woman #2: Oh...Is that a Negro term?
Victoria, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: J. Max
1PM Right Next to the 'Irony' Button
Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push "English"? "Spanish" shouldn't be an option. If they can't speak no English, they ain't got no business being here. Where's the "yes" button at?
Cashier: It's the button that says "yes" on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
4PM They Should Get Married
Giddy woman: You like alcohol, don't you?
Not-So-Giddy woman: I like when everyone around me's drunk. It makes my life easier.
Giddy woman: I like when I'm drunk. It makes my life easier.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: 3rd cubicle to the left
4PM 'Steaming the Laundry,' From Page 949 of the Kama Sutra
Co-Worker: You need to preheat your hooha. This is too much.
Intern: We're still talking about the steaming the laundry, right?
Pickard Theater
Brunswick, Maine
Overheard by: grappling with zippers
1PM Just a Minute--I'll Czech
Customer: Hi, can I get hold of Czech crowns here?
Bank flunky: Uhh...What was his first name again?
ASB Bank, Great North Road
Auckland, New Zealand
12PM That's Different From What He Said Last Week at the Office Party
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Employee asks involved question.
Boss: You know what? I have a million questions that you cannot answer.
Employee: But you asked if anyone had any questions.
Boss: Yeah, and if I asked if anyone had to go to the bathroom, I wouldn't expect you to whip it out and take a whiz right here.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Spacing Out
9AM How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid's Out of Diapers
Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you'd expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma'am. Can I put you on hold?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: only hernia-ed it
3PM And Welcome to the Federal Civil Service
Recent business school grad: You know, working for this company is not for the weak of heart. There is not a lot of recognition handed out to people.
Senior executive: Recognition? You want recognition? You are a dumbass. How's that?
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Yes, in Prairie Schooners
Travel agent: Where were you looking to take a cruise to?
Client: Do they have cruises to Las Vegas?
Proctor Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: potitia
9AM Yeah, I Think the Nigerians Took that Over in the '50s
Co-Worker #1: So is Mumbai, like, a country that we do business with?
Co-Worker #2: No, it's a city! It used to be called Bombay before those imperialist American jerks finally pulled out and the native people got their land back.
Co-Worker #1: Oh. So it was Moscow that was the country I was thinking of?
Co-Worker #2: Probably.
323B 41st Avenue
Calgary, Canadia
3PM What If Your Co-Worker's an Asshole?
Assistant #1: What if you get a busy signal?
Assistant #2: That means it's busy.
Assistant #1, after a long pause: Thank you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Assistant #3
11AM But It's That Kind of Go-Get-'em Attitude That Makes It So Hard For Me to Retire
Co-Worker #1: So, your last day is coming up, right?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, thank God for that.
Co-Worker #1: I wonder who they will replace you with. Maybe the homeless guy on the street. I bet he could do as good as you.
Co-Worker #2: I'm not sure I like your style.
Santa Monica, California
2PM Sandi's Dead, But She Told Me Her Files Are in the Computer. Here's a Hammer.
Assistant: Do I need to do anything with this e-mail to Karen*?
Sales guy: No.
Assistant: Okay, I'm going to just drop it over into her folder and move on.
Sales guy: Okay, that's up to you.
Assistant: I save everything.
Sales guy: I like to delete. If I know you've saved it, I just delete it.
Assistant: Yeah, but what if my computer bursts into flames? Or what if I quit?
Sales guy: You? Quit? [laughs]
Assistant: You shouldn't laugh...
Sales guy: Oh.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM It's Either That or Get One of Those Helper Monkeys
Editor #1: I have finger toes.
Photographer: You mean like long and bony?
Editor #1: Yeah, I can, like, pick stuff up with them.
Editor #2: Do you pinch people with them?
Editor #1: Yeah. I always pinch [my wife]. She hates it.
Editor #2: God is just preparing you for when you lose your arms.
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
2PM It's What She Would Want If She Weren't Selfishly Preoccupied With Her Little Personal Problems
Co-Worker #1: ...and who ordered the salad?
Co-Worker #2: Marie*, but she left for the day.
Co-Worker #1: Is she okay?
Co-Worker #2: I hope so. She was crying when she left. I guess the police called and said her 7-year-old daughter was a town over from where she was supposed to be, and no one knows where the sitter went.
Co-Worker #1: Oh, that's awful. [long pause] So you think that means I can eat her salad?
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves
Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!
Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not getting any either
12PM She Waits on Her Roof For Aliens Every Night
Female cashier: Hey, is that your purple car out there?
Stock dude: Yeah, it is. The chicks love it.
Female cashier: I like it. I want a purple Probe.
Stock dude: Yeah...I heard that about you.
436 Southbridge Street
Auburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I heard that too.
5PM I Can't Answer That Until You Tell Me If You're Speaking English or Canadian
Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?
Hull, Quebec
10AM Yet Probably Just as Accurate
Receptionist: Hello, Ruddman* Media International...Excuse me? A heat index? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about...Ruddman Media International...No, no this is not the weather channel.
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
5PM Isn't That a Felony in Most States?
Boss: Wait, I have a question: they're fucking retarded!
Underling: That's actually not a question...
Boss: Whatever, they're still fucking retards.
13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois
Overheard by: Victa G
3PM Those Will Cost Extra to Remove
Painter in room with painters' tape everywhere: Do you like the new colors?
Customer: I don't like the blue stripes.
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: another painter
2PM The Big Hand Is on the Dumbass
Co-Worker #1: Are you going to the training class later today?
Co-Worker #2: No, I don't have to. I was grandfather clocked into the old training.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
3PM Nothing in the KGB's Training Had Prepared Colonel Volkov For the Mystery of American Names
IT person: Usually the email address is just the first initial, then the employee's last name.
Salesguy: Oh, okay...What's John Smith's last name again?
Columbia, South Carolina
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
9AM At the Annual Association of Homophobic Lexicographers Banquet
Intern #1: So is there a difference between homogenous and homogeneous?
Intern #2: Yes, one means "composed of one thing," and the other is, like, a gay Einstein or something.
Rayburn House Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the Best and the Brightest
3PM After Delegating His Memory to Abby, Frank Experienced Difficulty With Remote Access
Boss, on phone: Abby*, it's Frank*. I'm at the British Library, and there's a man looking at me.
Abby, on other end of phone: ...Yes?
Boss: Who is it?
British Library, 96 Euston Road
London, England
Overheard by: hapless
11AM No, I Still Work Here
Boss: Do you know what the difference between you and me is?
Employee: About 20 IQ points and a sense of style?
1 Lincoln Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: tried not to laugh out loud
10AM We're Flying One in From St. Petersburg
Female employee on phone: ...will you outsource the foreskin?
18th Street & Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mikey Z
4PM She Got Pregnant During a Gang Bang
Co-Worker #1: My sister just had her baby this morning!
Co-Worker #2: How exciting! Wait, who just had a baby last month?
Co-Worker #1: My sister.
Co-Worker #2: The same one?
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
1PM Well, It's a Huge Job to Turn the Glass Around
Five maintenance engineers stand staring at a window with rain pouring down on the inside of the glass.
Engineer: If we all knew about this, why didn't we fix it?
6th and Sycamore
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Alice
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
3PM He's Secretly a Huge Cystic Fibrosis Fan
Office manager: Did you make an anonymous donation to our MS bike team?
Intern: I wish!
51st Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Being a Muppet Is Not a Choice; They're Made That Way
Security guard #1: You hear about that wedding today? Someone's gettin' married in the park.
Security guard #2: Who? Bert and Ernie?
GR rep: Not in this state.
Sesame Place
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
1PM Why Not Everyone Should Reproduce
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?...You're not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We've got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Color-Coded by Size
Rep: What's a vaginal dilator?
Nurse: A penis?
4645 East Cotton Center Boulevard
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM Somebody Hit His 'Reset' Button
CSR: Do you know your son's name? Your secret question is "What is your son's name?" Do you know your son's name?
Person resetting password: No, ma'am, I don't know what that is either.
Mishawka, Indiana
12PM Yes, Matt Lauer Says the Same Thing
Male customer: Well, we're definitely interested. We'll be back this week to make the purchase.
Sales chick: It was a pleasure to meet you. My name is Katie.
Female customer: Oh, Katie. We'll remember that name!
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, whispering: Katie is the name of my "other" personality.
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, turning to male customer: Katie is not very nice, is she, darling?
Male customer: No, dear, she's not.
Northridge, California
Overheard by: charlotte
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
11AM And I Expect to Be Hungover Monday
Suit #1: I'm going to need that project done for Monday. Can you get on that right now?
Suit #2: It's Friday, and I have beer to drink. It's really going to have to wait.
4881 Yonge Street
Toronto, Ontario
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
1PM Cat Burglars and Ninjas Have Ruined Blackness For Everyone
Black guy: What would you say if I said I wanted to get a Mystic Tan?
Tanning consultant: Oh, you could. It would give you a nice glow.
Black guy: You're not even going to discourage me?! I would never get a spray on tan. The blacker you are, the higher people assume your crime rate is.
North 222 Plaza
Reading, Pennsylvania
3PM From the Shaolin Preschool Song Book
Co-Worker: If you're happy and you know it...?
Co-Worker's 2-year-old daughter: ...don't touch a knife!
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: manda b
2PM Use the Shank Key
VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, "I'll cut you."
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You're on the Right Track
Employee: Someone just called me. They said, "Hello," and asked if I could help them because they had a question. I didn't know what to do, so I said, "No," and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that's one way of handling it.
US Patent and Trademark Office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Why Me?
11AM It's Right Next to That Note That Says You Should Give Me All Your Money
Co-Worker #1: Hey, what budget number should we use for this? The old one or the new one?
Co-Worker #2: What does that email you printed out and pinned to your wall say?
Co-Worker #1: It says I should use the new one.
Co-Worker #2: Then I think you should use the new one.
Co-Worker #1: Cool, thanks!
Co-Worker #2: No problem.
5201 Paint Branch Parkway
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: i'm glad i don't work there anymore
2PM No, the Birth Took Place Over a Span of Four Years
Admin #1: How old is his son?
Admin #2: Ten.
Admin #1: And how many kids does he have?
Admin #2: Three. They're triplets.
Admin #1: And they're all ten?
Route 1 South
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily Anne
1PM Why Mr. Ass's Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period
Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.
Hudson, Wisconsin
12PM Just a Little One That Will Change the Way I See Things
Female customer: My sunglasses are broken. One of the screws fell out, and a guy in here yesterday said they would replace them with a new pair.
Woman behind counter: Oh, I remember you. You're just looking for a screw, right?
Female customer, after entire store stops laughing: Aren't we all, really?
1051 North Rush Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Standing behind you
2PM He Doesn't Recognize Countries That Achieved Independence After 1800
Male employee #1: How did Costa Rica go in the World Cup?
Male employee #2: Who does he play for?
Male employee #1: Are you serious?
Male employee #2: What? Is he on the Australian team or something? Is that why I'm meant to know him?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: you've got to be kidding me!
1PM As an Engineering Major, He Wasn't Required to Know Where He Was
Worker #1: So this UMass...That in Mass?
Worker #2: Yeah.
Worker #1: Is this "Mass" a city?
Worker #2: Nah, more like a town.
Berkshires, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Outofstate
2PM Paging Keith Richards...
Mother: I think Grandma Olson has a little bit of a cirrhosis thing going on.
Little girl: Why's that?
Mother: Because Grandma Olson drinks much, much, much more than-
Little girl: -Than grandpa?
Mother: Than anyone in the world.
120 Kellogg Boulevard
St. Paul, Minnesota
9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training
Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.
Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan
Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me
3PM Just Scan in His Photo and Use Face-Recognition Google
Boss: I went to school with this guy...I don't remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I'd like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
2PM I Thought MDMA Was Something Else
Fundraiser: Hey, man, I need to raise some money for Multiple Dystrophy...[to other guy at table] Yo, man, what does the "A" stand for?
Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon
Miami, Florida
11AM And What's a 'Document'?
Employee: Hey, Bertha*, can you help me send a fax? It's been so long since I've had to use this.
Bertha: Okay, well, put your document face up here, and then enter the number here, and press "start."
Employee: What number?
Bertha: The fax number you're sending to?
Employee: Oh, am I supposed to know that?
208 Raleigh Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: snoopdude
5PM Next Time Break Up Via E-mail
Employee on phone: You are a psycho if you think you'll break up with me over the phone!...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?!
Co-Worker: For my sake, you can say goodbye to a psycho!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Somehow, Terminated in Tulsa Doesn't Quite Have the Right Ring for Schwarzenegger's Next Vehicle
Co-Worker, on phone: When were the children terminated?...Were they terminated here in Tulsa? I'll need to see a copy of that order.
41st and Mingo
Tulsa, Oklahoma
1PM Even His Core Constituency Is Turning on Him
Intern: When is Bush's last term?
Employee: Um, right now. It ends in '08.
Intern: Good. 'Cause he's stupid.
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Is summer over yet?
9AM Wait, Did I Say That Out Loud?
Customer: Here's my order number.
CSR: Yes, how can I help you?
Customer: What can you tell me about my order?
CSR: Um. What would you like to know?
Customer: You tell me. What does your computer tell you?
CSR: It tells me lots of things. What you ordered, when you ordered it. How can I help you?
Customer: Tell me everything your screen tells you about my order.
CSR: What would you like to know?
Customer: No, I want to know what you know about my order.
CSR: Well, I can tell you when it shipped, when it was delivered. Would those help?
Customer: No. What else?
CSR: Well, it would take me a really long time to read you everything I have here.
Customer: Oh. Well, let me explain. [Gives explanation]
CSR: I see. So you just want UPS to pick up this order?
Customer: Are you an idiot? That's what I've been saying the whole time!
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon can't wait for the weekend
2PM Or 'That Was Lovely, Your Honor. Let's Get Some Sleep'?
Attorney: What are we supposed to say when withdrawing? "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but it seems my client has fled the country"?
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: J.C. Tabler
4PM Well, At That Point a Small Night Demon Gets Onto a Treadmill Under the Hood...
Dude: If you really want to save money on gas then you should get a hybrid car.
Chick: Hybrid? Does that mean it runs on electricity?
Dude: Uh...yeah
Chick: Well what happens when the sun goes down?
317 West Main Cross Street
Findlay, Ohio
Overheard by: Crut
11AM Really, Even a Creek Will Get You If You're Careless or Stupid
Guy in cubicle #1: What are you doing?
Guy in cubicle #2: Looking at rivers that can kill ya!
349 Mitchell Street
Groton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Livonthedge
3PM This Just In: Bon Jovi Fires Insurance Agent
Insurance agent on phone: Garbage? You said garbage? But if it's garbage, why would you need to insure garbage??
East Little Creek Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: kim
2PM Donated By Public-Spirited Clitizens
Librarian #1: Take a look at these new book donations that just came in.
Librarian #2: Oh, it's just a bunch of Chick Lick; we don't want it.
Librarian #1: Don't you mean Chick Lit?
Librarian #2: I stand by my statement.
501 Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
3PM The Ancient Greek Goddess of Menstruation
Library patron: Do y'all know where this book is?
Library employee: Try looking by periodicals.
Library patron: Who?
100 Decatur Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Jebediah
9AM Plus the Pictures Are Better
Elevator-Rider #1: Hey, are you still working in homicide?
Elevator-Rider #2: Nah, I left homicide a while ago. Now I'm in sexual predators. It's great 'cause I don't have to be on call anymore, and I have weekends free.
King County Administration Building
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: B
4PM Wanted: Necromancer (This Position Is Part-Time)
Worker #1: Hi, Sally*, my ID has expired. How can I get it renewed?
Worker #2: I suppose the other people on our team will also be expiring soon, too. Do we need to address them now, or should we wait 'til they actually expire also?
55 East Hartland Street
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Linda BoBinda
3PM If You've Got a 'Brazilian,' You Can Lose the Pants Entirely
Manager: Jen*, what happened to dress code?
Jen: I just rolled my pants up. I was hot.
Manager: Did you shave your legs?
Jen: Yes.
Manager: Then it's okay.
3 Kent Road
New Milford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nik
10AM Lyle's Mistake Was Planning the 12-Days-of-Christmas Diorama from Memory
Co-worker on the phone: Really? And he had six donkeys?
1400 Lacey Boulevard
Hanford, California
Overheard by: suzanne
3PM Fat Gene Linked to Responsibility-- More Details to Follow
Female CSR #1: Did you get a brownie?
Slightly-larger female CSR: No, I can't leave my desk and work to get a brownie. That would be brushing off my duties.
Female CSR #1: Well, I'm not a fat person. I wouldn't know.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM I Repose That You're Right
Girl: So I told them to just go ahead and ship the extra reports to our suppository in -
Guy: -Wait, I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you say "ship the reports to the suppository"?
Girl: Yeah...
Guy: Um, it's "repository." Suppositories are pills that go in your ass.
Pause.
Girl: Fuck.
Route 1 South
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily
12PM But You Can Pour This Cappuccino in Your Underpants
Starbucks customer: Yes, I'd like a grande Dolce & Gabbana latte?
Extremely patient barrista: You mean a Dolce cinnamon latte?
Starbucks customer: No! I said Dolce & Gabbana, and that's what I want!
Extremely patient barrista: I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't sell that here anymore.
Starbucks, Indian River Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: a smarter customer.
4PM He Just Found Out That Phone Calls Are Social Intercourse
Teen daughter: Daddy, Daddy, the pink Razr is on sale. Will you buy it for me now? You promised!
Father: No, I don't need you to get pregnant. Now let's go!
4350 Joslyn Road
Auburn Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: rahneej
11AM Before I Put It in Mothballs For the Summer
Warehouse worker: You look nice today. You going somewhere after this?
Girl in dress: No, I just wanted to air out my vagina.
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: warehouse peon
5PM Things Haven't Let What Up?
Co-Worker #1: Are you ok? You seem frazzled.
Co-Worker #2: Oh, I hit the ground running this morning, and things haven't let up.
Co-Worker #1: You hit the ground? Did you hurt yourself?
1700 North Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Siege
3PM Local Sports Editor Arrested by Karma Police; Sentenced to Ride 'It's a Small World' in Perpetuity
City editor: Do you think they give you your money back if your kid dies at Disney World?
Editor-in-Chief: No, but Mickey Mouse volunteers to be a pallbearer at the funeral.
Sports editor, in a Mickey Mouse falsetto: Hey guys, what's in the box?
7 North Jefferson Street
Huntington, Indiana
Overheard by: tricky nikki
11AM It Goes Before the Arms Do
Corporate lawyer: What were we talking about again?
Helpful manager: One-armed lawyers.
Corporate lawyer: Ah, right. One-armed lawyers. Let me tell you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise that you don't start losing your memory as you get older.
Polite laughter from meeting attendees.
Corporate lawyer: So. Um. What were we talking about again?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM As Close to a Date as I.T. Guy Will Ever Get
I.T. desk guy: Can I help you?
Annoyed studentess: Is this where you're supposed to go to change your grades?
I.T. desk guy: Afraid not. You'll want to try Professor Lucifer. He's in office 666.
Annoyed studentess: Oh, okay. So that's on the sixth floor?
Aderhold Center, Georgia State University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iain M.
4PM Just Don't Put Them In the Third One From the Left; That's For Tax Evasion
Co-Worker #1: You said if I was bored, I could go through the packing slips, right?
Co-Worker #2: Sure, go ahead.
Co-Worker #1: And you want me to get rid of the ones that are older than six months, right?
Co-Worker #2: Right.
Co-Worker #1: So throw them out?
Co-Worker #2: Yup.
Co-Worker #1: In the garbage?
Co-Worker #2: Uh-huh.
Co-Worker #1: Should I bring them out back to the recycling cans?
Co-Worker #2: You could put them in that recycling bin right under your desk if you wanted to take the time to sort them. We only recycle white paper.
Co-Worker #1: So should I put them in the dumpster out back?
Co-Worker #2: Really, throw them out in any garbage can you want. It. Doesn't. Matter.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
9AM I'll Be Going Postal, So Bring a Tourniquet
Receptionist #1: Is tomorrow your last day?
Receptionist #2: Yes.
Receptionist #1: Good.
Park Place
Cardiff University, United Kingdom
Overheard by: stranded_in_UK
4PM Also, You Don't By Any Chance Have an Alibi Lying Around?
Worker #1: Hey, man, you got one of them stick stain remover things?
Worker #2: Hell yes I do!
Worker #1: You know if it work on blood?
3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas
1PM After Much Wrangling...Finally, Canadia Was Sold
Customer: Is fifty percent off of $100, like, $50?
Employee: No. Not at all. It usually works out to $35.95.
Customer: Really?
2223 Victoria Avenue East
Regina, Saskatchewan
9AM Next Time Think Before You Ask Someone What's Up Their Butt
Woman on phone: How did they pull it out? Did they cut you open or go up your butt-hole?
University Place
New York, New York
4PM I Want to Dip a Hamster In It, and I've Heard Stories
Guy: I'm writing this script that takes place in an office and I was wondering, is toner flammable?
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
12PM Dear Diary, Failed Emotional Intelligence Test Today
Older man: So, are you hungover?
Younger woman: No. Why? Do I look hungover?
Older man: No. I just wanted to start a conversation, and I don't know what else to talk to you young people about.
501 Second Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Objection! The Question Assumes a Fact Not In Evidence.
Partner #1: Are you coming to the Fourth of July party?
Partner #2: When is it?
16th Street and M Street, NW
Washington, DC
4PM An 'I' and a 'Q,' I Think
Assistant: Did anyone order anything from Nuclear?
Sales guy: From who?
Assistant: Nuclear. N-U-C-O-R.
Sales girl: Nucor?
Assistant: Um, yeah. Ha ha ha. Sorry.
Sales guy: Yeah, you're missing a few letters there.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM And That Was Just for the Left One
Chick #1: That's a really nice dress. How much did it cost?
Chick #2: Oh, um, $3500.
Chick #1: $3500! For a sun dress?!
Chick #2: Oh! You said "dress." I thought you said "breasts."
3200 Fifth Avenue
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Snarfed my Soda
2PM 'If It's Wednesday, Peel My Sunburn'?
Supervisor: Can you print me out a label that says "If it's Tuesday, oil me"?
545 North 15th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: KJean
12PM It's Pricey, But He's Worth It
Male co-worker #1: So what did you do for your birthday.
Male co-worker #2: Oh, the usual. Just some presents and breakfast in bed.
Female co-worker: My husband usually gets a blow job for his birthday.
Forbes Tower, University of Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4PM Blue...No, Red. Red!!
Employer: If I were to ask you for one thing you are not good at, what would it be?
Interviewee: Uh...answering questions like this one?
Insurance HR office
Toronto, Canadia
3PM What Does He Think the Mad Cows Eat?
Editor, looking at ad for "Summer Garden Madness": Why is everything "madness"? There's nothing "madness" about a basket of vegetables.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: angry carrot
2PM Eudora Downs Sydrome
Agent: Thank you for calling the help desk. Can I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: Is Eudora down?
Agent: Um, Eudora is a program that is isolated on your computer. It is not a system or network of everyone's email.
Customer: Is Eudora [campus email] down?
Agent: No.
Customer: I'll call my cable company.
Customer hangs up.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brandon
4PM I Find If I Don't Make Plans for the Weekend, I Just Sit Around and Watch TV
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I've had, I'm getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
9AM It Means I'm Gay
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I'm married.
PM: I don't know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
5PM Anyway, I Already Ate Peter's Foot Skin
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Hypothetical Slogan for Bush/Cheney '08
New hire: How many people work here?
HR clerk: About half of them.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM It's What You Had Before We Bought You the Web Cam
Tween girl: I wonder if these shorts will fit? I'm just going to try them on right here.
Girl's father: Why don't you go in a dressing room, honey? For God's sake, have some modesty.
Tween girl: What's modesty?
Moe's Sport Shop
711 North University
Ann Arbor, Michigan
3PM Mine Shoots Way Up When People Chew on My Nipples
Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it's just fine. Thanks.
Dentist winces.
Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.
105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia
9AM Does "I Was Taking a Crap on the Laser Printer" Count as an Alibi?
Cleaning guy: Who peed in the trash can this time?
5780 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Cellular Difficulty
Coworker: Okay, I'm headed out to the meeting. I have the cell phone if you need me...Does this have to be turned on, or will it turn itself on when a call comes in?
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Lunch
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
3PM Paternity Leave
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Girl: So, I just had my exit interview with HR and they were all like, "Be honest, why did you just up and quit out of nowhere?"
Guy: Did you tell them the truth?
Girl: I told them that I was in love with you, and that the sexual tension and frustration was creating a poor work environment for me.
Guy: So then you did tell the truth.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer on phone: Can I get reimbursed for herbal remedies through my flexible spending account?
CSR #1: No. Holocaustic medicines are not eligible for reimbursement unless you receive them as part of doctor's visit.
CSR #2: I think you meant holistic.
CSR #1: Whatever. Same thing.
2302 International Lane
Madison, Wisconsin
3PM Shift Switch
Coworker #1: Hey, can you cover my shift next week?
Coworker #2: Why? Where are you going?
Coworker #1: My friend's boyfriend is graduating from pharmacology school.
Coworker #2: Ew. Who would want to be a farmer?
3900 Hillsboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM Dress Code
Coworker #1: I just got this suit at Paul Stuart. Do you like it?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you look like the Easter Pimp.
101 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Amazed
9AM Back to Work
Receptionist: Hey, help me with this list. The boss wants me to go to the store and get some stuff for the coffee room. You know, stuff like filters and cups and stuff. But I can't figure out what these icet rays are.
HR clerk: Let me see the list...Sweetie, this says ice trays. You know, for the freezer to freeze water into cubes.
Receptionist: Are you sure? Because if the boss wants icet rays, that's what I better get.
HR clerk: Well okay, if you really want icet rays, try the office supply store and make them check in the back. You may have to ask for their manager.
Receptionist: Thanks, see you in a little while.
HR clerk: You know, I should have used that opportunity to sell her a bridge.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Internship
Boss: How many servers do you think Google has?
Lackey: Infinite.
Boss: Infinite? You're a retard.
15 Alatarinda Road
Orinda, California
Overheard by: choking on a brownie
11AM Smart Investing
Customer: Do you have the new quarters from Texas?
Teller: Yes, we do. How many would you like?
Customer: Just one.
Teller: One roll or one quarter?
Customer: Just one quarter...how much do they cost?
57 Route 206
Tabernacle, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kelly
10AM Copyright Infringement
Lawyer: So you actually filed a copyright application?
Creative director: Oh, no, we just slapped a circle "c" after everything.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Customer: So, this Wild Mushroom Pizza, does it have mushrooms on it?
Waitress: Ummm, yeah.
701 Lynnhaven Parkway
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cassandra
11AM Project Management
Guy: Should I put it in the folder?
Girl: Wait, I'm not sure. Should I take it out of the folder?
Guy: Um, maybe I should just put it in the folder.
Girl: No, I should take it out of the folder...
Guy: But, what if we need it in the folder?
127 Marina Drive
La Crosse, Wisconsin
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Welcome back. Are you feeling better?
Supervisor: Well, I am fully clothed.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Eve's Dropper
11AM Ergonomics Seminar
HR clerk: Maureen* broke another chair. Should I order her another chair designed for a person over three hundred pounds, or should I order an even stronger chair?
Manager: No! I am going to tell the maintenance guys to put her desk up on blocks! Then, I am going to tell Maureen that her job description has changed! She is now required to stand up to do her job!
[manager leaves]
HR clerk: Well, it is not going to be me that tells him that one of the toilets in the women's restroom is broken.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
1PM Naptime
Sales assistant: What are you doing?
QC guy: Taking a nap.
Sales assistant: You are precariously close to your CPU.
QC guy: What? What is that, a part of my body?
Sales assistant: Right. Don't call me when you break that computer again.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Annual Volunteer Project
I-banker: Why can't we just donate money to hire people to do this work?
2615 W. 84th Place
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: Hey,wait! Hey, wait! How old are you two?
Young business woman #1: Why?
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: I just wanted ask one of you out, but I can't tell how old you are under your sunglasses.
Young business woman #2: Umm...no. We're working.
Sweaty, middle-aged man: Oh, never mind.
2825 Eastlake Avenue East
Seattle, Washington
10AM Guided Practice
Student: Crap, I don't know how to start.
Teacher: I can't help you.
Student: Why not?
Teacher: If I knew this kind of crap do you think I'd be working at this ghetto school?
1133 Mission
Oceanside, California
4PM Break Room
Coworker #1: Hey, how's it going?
Coworker #2: Good, how're you doing?
Coworker #1: Not bad -- it's almost Friday.
Coworker #2: It is Friday!
Coworker #1: Really?! It's Friday? That's awesome! I thought it was Thursday!
Coworker #2: It's Friday for me -- I've got tomorrow off.
10750 Wheat First Drive
Glen Allen, Virginia
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: If she had been paying attention, she would have caught that.
Coworker #2: Does she know to look for it?
Coworker #1: No, she doesn't know enough to look for it. I'm not ready to show her that, yet.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor to dark-skinned Indian employee: Were you out much this weekend? You are so tan.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM Coffee Break
Coworker #1: Was it a Woody Allen movie?
Coworker #2: No, it was a comedy.
1865 Grandstand
Elgin, Illinois
3PM Research Issue
Proofreader #1: Is this a word?
Proofreader #2: No.
Proofreader #1: Then what is it?
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
2PM Long-term Planning
Employee #1: I just don't understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It's a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I'm not very good at history.
821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Supervisor, watching The Apprentice: I like that British guy, I hope he wins. Or that English guy. Wait, what's the difference?
Coworker: Are you kidding?
Supervisor: There's a difference, right? Do they want to be called something else?
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Erin Eff
3PM Team-Building Activities
Paralegal: I hate looking at his face. Ruins my whole day.
Secretary: I know. I want to throw my shoe at him or something.
Paralegal: Ok, but can you make sure I'm there to see it?
overheard by: their boss
100 F Street
Washington, DC
11AM Relationship Management
Manager to customer: At what point do you see this conversation getting any better for you?
10 Scotia Street
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM On the Links
At a company golf outing. . .
Member of other foursome: Did somebody lose a club cover?
Coworker, in the saddest voice ever: Was it a gorilla?
457 IH 45 South
Huntsville, Texas
12PM Lunch
CSR #1: Do you remember Barbie?
CSR #2: Barbie? Was she the one who used to chain her chair to her desk?
CSR #1: No, that was someone else -- Barbie was the one who used to have Barbie dolls all over her desk and pink fluffy pens and stuff?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon is having a ball today
11AM Between Meetings
Suit #1: Whenever it rains, you come to work wearing plastic pants. Why do you get to wear plastic pants? My boss wouldn't let me wear plastic pants.
"Suit" #2: If you could do what I can do, you could wear plastic pants, too.
4 Irving Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Honest? I am very honest. I am also very loyal to the company I work for. I give 110% to them every day.
Pause
Coworker on phone: Sure, I can interview with you tomorrow morning.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
12PM Lunch
Engineer: So, did you enjoy your Cinco de Mayo?
Secretary: Um. I was in Rhode Island for the weekend...
Engineer: Yeah, so?
Secretary: Ever been?
Engineer: Yeah, couple of times... what's your point?
Secretary: Heh. Rhode Island is like the white-bread capital, at least the part where I go is.
Engineer: Okaayyy... so there was no Cinco de Mayo celebration?
Secretary: Dude, lemme put it this way for ya: It's so damn white up there, they have white gardeners. Mexicans are like freakin' nonexistant up there. And don't even get me started on the nonexistance of black people. Hell, the last time I saw a black person while I was up there was the one we brought with us. . .and she kept singin' "Massa got me workin'" just to freak the rest of the whities out.
One Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: *snicker*
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Ok. Since it seems like [Dougie] doesn't want to be a part of the team and show up for meetings, [Steve], from now on, when you send out meeting requests, make sure the invitation is sent to him personally.
[Steve]: So basically, I should click a few more times to enable this otherwise unacceptable behavior?
Manager: Right.
[Steve]: Got it.
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit #1: Are you going to the farewell party for [Liz]?
Suit #2: I don't know yet. Does she know she's leaving or is it a surprise party?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Full Department Meeting
Head of department: Can someone give an example of a person in the department going above and beyond the call of duty?
Woman: [Jane]. She does so much, not just for our group, but for other groups as well. I don't think there's anyone in the department [Jane] hasn't serviced.
1200 12th Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
9AM Back to Work
CSR: Where the fuck are my pants?
102 W. Washington
Colby, Kansas
2PM Project Meeting
Manager: How are we supposed to get any work done if all of our developers keep getting sucked off?
4740 44th Avenue SW
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: g-man
12PM Lunch
Credit manager: Anyone need some glasses?
Coworker: What kind of glasses?
Credit manager: Drinking glasses, water glasses. I have four and I'm not going to use them.
Coworker: Where'd ya get the glasses from?
Credit manager: I stole them from the hotel I was at last week
Coworker: You can't go around stealing stuff from hotels.
Credit manager: That's what my wife tells me, which is why I need to get rid of them before she finds out. Maybe I'll just put them in the break room.
142 Grand Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
11AM Client Meeting
Boss talking to client and client's son in front office: So this is your youngest boy, isn't it? I've met him before.
Client: Uh... I don't think you have.
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure I have.... He's Down's Syndrome, isn't he?
Client: No
98 Fitzroy Street
Grafton, Australia
Overheard by: gus shanks
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Coffee Break
Employee is showing off her new belly-dancing outfit.
Supervisor: So, you're really going to belly-dance in public?
Employee: Yeah!
Supervisor: I never really liked going to strip clubs when I was younger.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: I love this place!
3PM Get Answers
Manager on phone: So I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to hate me for not knowing the answer. [pause] That was below the belt. [pause] It's child protection. [pause] Annnyways, I was wondering...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
12PM Lunch
BIG bigwig: I had a tunafish sandwich for lunch and all I can smell is tuna. Come here; smell me. Do I smell like tuna?
Smallwig: Nope. I know how you feel though. It just stays with you. Tuna definitely lingers.
Florida State University
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: so hard not to giggle
1PM Student-Teacher Conference
Teacher: That's an interesting name. It is a type of flower right?
Student: Yeah, but I am a hard flower. I am so tough, I am almost a weed.
1001 SW Avenue M
Belle Glade, Florida
Overheard by: substitute
9AM Back to Work
Data center drone: God! I hate sharing workstations with the night shift. Every day when I come in, my chair smells like ass and the desk smells like armpit. Doesn't [Tim] ever take a bath?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant: Are you going to be in next week?
VP: Yes, unless al-Qaeda does something.
1120 20th Street NW
Washington, DC
1PM Application Support
Support tech on headset: Ok, so do you have the application loaded on your handheld now?
45 second pause
Support tech: Sir, sir, excuse me, sir, it was a yes or no question.
1521 Pacific Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
10AM Conference Call
Coworker #1: Is Florida's time zone one or two hours behind us?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure. It's pretty far south, so probably two.
235 Promenade Street
Providence, Rhode Island
5PM That's a Wrap
CFO is spouting gossip at happy hour.
Copywriter: How many have you had?!
CFO: What, wives or martinis?
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee #1: I don't believe in God. I believe in ghosts, but not God.
Employee #2: What about aliens?
Employee #1: Oh, totally!
Boss: Don't you guys have something more important to be doing?
Employee #2: I have about 1,000 other things to do. None of them is more important than this.
2223 East Speedway
Tucson, Arizona
4PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: Well do you want to eat these peeps or not?
Co-worker #2: Hell no... They are hella stale
Co-worker #1: Well. okay. I guess we'll just have to set them on fire.
50 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM Software Shopping
IT: If we're going to upgrade, what would be the difference between versions 7.1 and 6.5?
Manager: .6
5301 Bolsa Avenue
Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Adam Westrich
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Hey there! How are you feeling about your second day?
Intern: Whelmed.
Manager: I'm sorry, what was that?
Intern: Whelmed. You know, you can be "overwhelmed" and "underwhelmed," but I'm just "whelmed."
Manager: I see. Well, maybe some coffee would help?
1400 16th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM Editorial Meeting
Designer: Do you ever wonder if some of the girls here were hired for their looks? Oh, I'm not talking about you -- I know you were hired because you're a good writer.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Customer Interfacing
Son: Do you believe in animal testing?
Mother: Yes and no. I think that it's fine to do it on all of the extra animals taking up space out there who don't belong to anyone, but when they take people's pets from their homes for testing, I think that's wrong.
4420 Austin Bluffs Parkway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
1PM Making Copies
Secretary: Why are these reports formatted so weird?
Boss: Well, because the Germans made them. Those Germans are weird.
Secretary: Hey, now... Be careful, I'm German.
Boss: Uh oh, you're not a lesbian too, are you?
Secretary: Well, I'm not really German.
Main Street Financial Office
East Hartford, Connecticut
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: This is my senior picture in high school.
Manager: You were a cheerleader?
CSR: Yeah.
Manager: What happened?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
2PM Diversity Initiative
African-American co-worker: So, maybe you can help me out with this, are Italians black or Latino?
Italian-American co-worker: I'm white. Just white, man.
African American co-worker: Maybe you didn't understand the question.
4800 University Drive
Durham, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why are there empty containers in the fridge?
Co-worker #2: To keep them cold.
12 Bassett Street
Providence, Rhode Island
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit #1: Why is the boss laughing like that?
Suit #2: She's reading the staff's self evaluations.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
4PM Staff Meeting
Drone: With all the cutbacks, re-orgs and layoffs, what is management doing to keep up morale?
Manager: It's called a paycheck. You know, that thing that magically appears in your bank account every month? That is your motivation. Any more questions?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
10AM Coffee Break
Marketing manager: Maybe you should have one pink and one blue for your kids.
CSR: Oooh, yeah!
Manager: Well, wait, what do pink and blue make? Purple? No.
CSR: No?
Manager: No, black and blue make purple. Or was it black and red?
421 Northwest Riverside Drive
Evansville, Indiana
1PM Deliverables Assessment
Employee: Is that why you broke up? No lobster, no nookie... I really didn't mean to say that so loud.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
11AM Ergonomics Workshop
Co-worker #1: You starting your transformation into Bob Dole?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I already have a sore wrist.
1001 I Street
Sacramento, California
4PM Filing Frenzy
Police sergeant: Have you done those sexual child abuse talks at the school yet?
Civilian employee: Yes, and several of the children need to file a report.
Police sergeant: Great! Now we have more work. Whose idea was it to do those talks?
8620 California Avenue
South Gate, California
2PM Debriefing
Creative director: Alright, nice work, guys.
Designer: Before you leave, can I grab you real quick--
Creative director: Depends on where.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Did you have a computer ethics class in college?
Programmer: [Scoffs] There is no ethics, it's a computer.
10 Salt Creek Lane
Hinsdale, Illinois
Overheard by: Bill Dwyer
12PM Lunch
African-American co-worker to Caucasian co-worker: You just walked a block through the ghetto to get some chicken? Did you get a five-piece and some biscuits? That's so black of you.
1555 Central Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Comfort Room
Female co-worker: Oww, my ovaries are falling out.
Male co-worker: Do you want some glue?
720 Washington Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Distribute Handbooks
Receptionist: Hey, did Kevin leave?
Co-worker: No, he's gone for the day.
16443 Minnesota Avenue
Paramount, California
Overheard by: Stella Bella
9AM Back to Work
Boss: How come you're late?
Employee: I had a hard time deciding which eyeshadow looked best with blood shot eyes.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Intern Interviews
Boss: Who is your supervisor?
Intern: Um, technically, you are.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
1PM Lunch
Staff #1: Does anyone know what that sign refers to?
Senior Associate: Which one?
Staff #1: The one that says "2121 Lunch E On".
Staff #2: Did you just say "Lunch E On"?
Staff #1: Well, what does it say?
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Ten Kay
10AM Distribute Paychecks
Employee #1: Hey, have the paychecks come in yet?
Employee #2: I just heard [Aaron] ask and the boss said no. We are going to have to put [Aaron] on suicide watch until the checks get here.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Ad Meeting
Copywriter: Wow, a list of fictional diseases. Hey, look at this: "Watson's disease."
Art Director: Is it an elementary disease?
Level 11, Menara IGB
Mid Valley City, Lingkaran Syed Putra
59200 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How do people get mirrors to stay on the ceiling?
Co-worker #2: Not sure.
Co-worker #3: We used rubber cement. We put up a few four foot square mirrors, without frames.
Co-worker #1: Rubber cement? Did it hold good?
Co-worker #3: They've stayed up for four years, but my husband is too afraid to have sex without being covered with a blanket. He thinks they might fall and cut his dick off.
4150 Belden Village Street NW
North Canton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kyosho
12PM Call Clients
Portfolio Manager: She's pissed that I didn't sell the stock before it
went down.
Trader: Don't you know that you are supposed to know when that's gonna
happen?
Portfolio Manager: I guess not...
1900 East Ninth Street
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Easter Party
VP: This'll be the director's Easter present to you.
Coordinator: Oh, you mean I don't get any eggs this year?
VP: No, you don't.
Coordinator: Well, can you at least hide it so I can find it?
VP: Yes, we can do that.
900 Simpson Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
10AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Boy, you look tired...
Project Manager: Yeah, it's been hectic. I need some of that geico balboa stuff.
Worker #1: Uh, ginko bilboa?
Project Manager: That's what I said.
Worker #1: No, you said "geico balboa".
Project Manager: What's the difference?
Worker #1: Well, Geico is an insurance company, and Balboa is Rocky the boxer's--as in the movie--last name.
Project Manager: Ha! I wonder if he gets a hard time for that.
Worker #1: He's not a real person. Besides, I think what you meant was you needed some ginseng. Do you know what ginko bilboa is for?
Worker #2: Okay, seriously, how long is this meeting going to be?
6700 Hollister Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Damien Sebastiani
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit: Your last name is Smith. Are you related to a Nelson Smith?
Clerk: No, Smith is my marriage name. That reminds me; I need to file for divorce.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Lunch
Secretary: You look kind of like Bill Gates.
Specialist: I don't look dorky enough.
Secretary: How dorky do you not think you look?
25 Sigourney Street
Hartford, Connecticut
11AM Tech Meeting
Attendee #1: Can it be programmed so our office and cell phones ring simultaneously?
Attendee #2: What do you mean by simultaneously?
2901 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Rachel Marie
10AM Send [Tim] Over to Tech Support
Manager: [Tim], are you going over the off-site location?
Intern: Yes, I have to pick up the loaner laptop for [Kelly].
Manager: Can you drop this off to shipping and receiving while you are there? Might as well stone 2 birds.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
5PM Out of Here
Worker #1: But isn't the ceiling a fire hazard?
Worker #2: Only if there's a fire.
133 Falmouth Road
Mashpee, Massachusetts
2PM Collate Receipts
Boss: Find anything interesting?
Employee: Yeah. Mexicans are bad tippers...Sorry, that was racist. Spanish people are bad tippers.
1100 Vermont Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: adrone
12PM Interviews
Senior VP: On a scale of 1 to 10, how honest are you?
Interviewee: Whatever I answer, how would you know if I'm telling the
truth or lying?
5650 Keaton Crescent
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
Real Estate Agent: So she totally knows this guy that's on The Real OC; he's a loan guy that she used to work with.
Loan Rep: What character does he play?
Real Estate Agent: He's a loan rep.
Loan Rep: I know, but what character does he play?
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
11AM Monitor Calls
Broker on phone: Why should you buy my bond? Because you buying it is good for my firm, good for me, and two out of three ain't bad.
1100 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Director: I feel like she's staring into my soul.
Producer: It's a good feeling, isn't it?
35 West 4th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: jen d.
1PM Lunch
Manager: Is that goat cheese on your sandwich?
Worker: Yes
Manager: I hear that single goat goat cheese is a delicatessen.
Worker: A what?
Manager: A delicatessen.
6511 Tri-County Parkway
Schertz, Texas
2PM Management Meeting
Co-worker #1: What is our Vision Statement?
Co-worker #2: It says here, "Our Vision is to always be true to our Vision."
101 South Webster Street
Madison, Wisconsin
12PM Load Up the Machine
Co-worker #1: Where is the copy paper?
Co-worker #2: Office Depot.
5201 Ravenswood Road
Dania Beach, Florida
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: What's a carpet muncher? Is that a new slang for vacuum cleaner?
Co-worker #2: Um, no. He, he, he. I'll give you a thousand bucks if you ask the boss for a carpet muncher.
Co-worker #1: Why? I don't have carpeting.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
2PM Laugh at Interns
Intern #1: Well, we got these power packs for our laptops. But how do we charge them?
Intern #2: Um...you plug it in the wall!
Intern #1: How was I supposed to know that?
300 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Preacher: What's that beeping sound?
Secretary: It's the battery getting low on the smoke detector.
Preacher: Well you don't need that if you would quit smoking, do
you?
801 7th Street South
Clanton, Alabama
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker: I think my computer just froze up. The mouse pointer won't move on the screen.
Supervisor: Did you check the batteries?
1350 Massachusetts Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Planning Meeting
Worker #1: So did I answer your question?
Worker #2: No, but you entertained me.
242 West 36th Street
New York, NY
11AM Review Plans
Assistant: Well, do you still have that copy of the Specific Plan?
Project Manager: I don't know where it is.
Assistant: Wasn't it on your desk yesterday?
Project Manager: Yeah, but I think it's spread its legs.
Assistant: What?
Project Manager: You know, spread its legs. You know what I mean.
Assistant: Sprouted legs?
1580 Metro Drive
Costa Mesa, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Are they going to do that thing where they make it get darker earlier again this year?
Co-worker #2: You mean Daylight Savings? Yes, I think so. I think it happens pretty much every year.
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Application Performance Testing
Tester #1: This kinda seems like that Olivia Newton-John video for Let's Get Physical, don't you think?
Tester #2: No.
901 Lakeside Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: mr.doitall
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Where the fuck are the urinals?
Stall: Wrong bathroom, buddy.
1055 North Cruise Boulevard
Port of Miami, Florida
Overheard by: WordPower
4PM Retreat Planning Committee
Boss #1: So this year's convention will be at the MGM Graham in Las Vegas...What?
Boss #2: Did you say "graham" like graham cracker?
Boss #1: It's not "graham"?
3411 Pinnacle Gardens Drive
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM Get Receipts to Billing
Boss: Did you find that receipt?
Underling: No, it's not in the receipt file. I checked every receipt for the last six months. It's not there.
Boss: Why don't you look again?
Underling: I knew you'd ask, so I looked twice already. It's not there. Is there somewhere else that you put receipts?
Boss: No, only the receipt file. But if it's not in there, it's not a big deal. Later today, if you have time, why don't you look again in the file?
Underling: Okay, but if it's not there now, it won't be there later.
Boss: Yeah okay, but why don't you just look again?
1028 East Private Road 1200 North
Farmersburg, Indiana
9AM Back to Work
Editor #1: Should we tell the author we lost that whole section of the manuscript?
Editor #2: No, let's not announce that we're incompetent.
Editor #1: Yeah, let's let it be a surprise.
8700 Shoal Creek Boulevard
Austin, Texas
4PM Restock Cabinet
Co-worker #1: Oh, you have some good supplies. Anything I can steal?
Co-worker #2: Uh, you can have some markers.
Co-worker #1: No, that's okay; I've got markers up the ass.
633 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Data Entry
Worker: No, it's not here. I have Wang in my box...What? What did I say?
40 Apple Ridge Road
Danbury, Connecticut
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: The pollen is so bad, this morning I coughed up a flower.
Worker #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
6355 MetroWest Boulevard
Orlando, Florida
5PM That's a Wrap
Admin: What time is it in France?
Worker: I think it's February.
Admin: Really?
3239 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?
113 University Place
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Sales Manager: How am I supposed to give you the Heimlich if you have your door shut?
2176 Avenue C
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
11AM Work on Template
Temp: I have a few questions about the PowerPoint project that I'm trying to get my head around.
Manager: Okay.
Temp: So what do you want again?
Manager: I just want a template...Something visual that we can use over and over.
Temp: What do you want in it?
Manager: I don't know. That's why I want a template. So I need you to create something that looks like the department standard, with our logo and so on, the right corporate background color, with dummy copy as placeholders.
Temp: So where do I find the words you want in it?
Manager: They don't exist yet. We're working on that. That's why it's a template and not a final project.
Temp: So what do you want in all the boxes?
Manager: Nothing. Just a place so I can go in and write it. I just want a formatted background and text boxes in place.
Temp: Right, but what should I put in the text boxes?
Manager: Whatever you want.
Temp: So let me get this right: You want me to create a PowerPoint with place for different words.
Manager: Yes.
Temp: But you don't know what the words are?
Manager: That's why it's a template.
Temp: I see. So I will just use one of the PowerPoint templates.
Manager: No. It needs to be in the style of the company. Those are too generic.
Temp: I'm confused.
Manager: It seems so.
Temp: Can I just do it in Word?
111 East 59th Street
New York, NY
10AM Data Validation
Agent on phone: When did you die? While you were in the hospital?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
12PM Update Personnel Files
Manager #1: Are you sure you don't need anything more? We've got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven't you heard? I'm cheap and easy. It doesn't take much to please me.
Peon: That's what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
10AM Call Building Maintenance
Secretary: Y'all like sittin' in the dark?
Co-worker #1: You just gotta get used to it. The lights are broken.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark.
Co-worker #2: Well, I think they went out over the weekend.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark...Just like in the Underground Railroad.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
11AM Comps Due
Manager: Why are you sending me comps at 1:30 in the morning?
Designer: Because I wanted to work on them at home, and then when I was home I couldn't work on them until Loveline was on the air and I could listen to some relationship advice at the same time.
Manager: Oh, that makes perfect sense.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
10AM Requisition a Broom
Exec: Who made a mess over here by the shredder?
Assistant: I was throwing confetti at myself.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, why did you get a coffee this morning? We're getting free Starbucks coffee today, remember?
Co-worker #2: Oh, this isn't a coffee. It's a latte.
90 Shawmut Road
Canton, Massachusetts
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: [Sarah], got a minute?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: Neither do I.
12320 Horseshoe Way
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
12PM Schedule Next Week's Meeting
Meeting Attendee #1: When's a good time to schedule the meeting with [Gary]?
Meeting Attendee #2: Well, he will be back from his heart attack next week.
2964 Peachtree Road NW
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Product Meeting
Sales #1: So what do they get in the three piece table, lamp and mirror set?
Sales #2: You're kidding, right?
Sales #1: No really, what do they get?
Sales #2: Idiot.
2500 South Rochester Road
Rochester Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Jenny Schneider
3PM Coffee Break
Accountant: Why did you switch from coffee to green tea?
Analyst: Tea is easier on my throat and it has more antioxidants.
Accountant: What are antioxidants?
Analyst: They keep me from having oxidants...Come on! That's funny, dammit!
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
12PM Work on Budgets
Project Manager: I can't get my numbers to balance with yours.
Budget Analyst: How much are you off by?
Project Manager: About a million.
5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland
Overheard by: Cantabile
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: How was your weekend?
Worker #2: Good. I almost got married; the usual.
393 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jess McGins
4PM Budgets Due
Boss: Do you hear that? That's the sound of me getting screwed.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Pre-meeting
Boss: So, is there any other duty that you do on a daily basis that we should include on this list?
Worker: You mean other than miscellaneous bullshit?
Boss: Well, how much time do you spend on miscellaneous bullshit everyday?
Worker: Depending on the day, between 10 minutes and 8 hours.
4913 West Laurel Street
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: hang on voltaire
10AM Pre-meeting Prep
VP: Wow that sounds bad. Do we need to have a pre-meeting about that meeting?
3415 Vision Drive
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Today was like International Day at McDonalds this morning. Not one person spoke with a Midwest accent...I was gonna be like, "Oh, they are so fucking up my breakfast."
Worker #2: Did you hear that there are more terrorists in Ohio?
Worker #1: Yeah? First they want to blow up our malls here in the city, now kill the President. They are always in Ohio. You never hear about them in like, Montana. That's where the Nazis are.
Worker #3: Yeah, the terrorists are up there on the 4th floor...You should go up there.
Worker #2: I'm not going up there.
Worker #1: They do have a nice floor up there.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: Ew!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: His internet history has porn on it!
Co-worker #2: Really?
Co-worker #1: Yeah!
Co-worker #2: Like what?
Co-worker #1: A whole bunch of free stuff from [Fleshbot].com. I can't believe this.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know...
Co-worker #1: I mean...I don't care if he does this at home, but not at this computer...We work in here!
Co-worker #2: Yeah...Sure...What was that site again?
41 West Clinton Avenue
Tenafly, New Jersey
12PM Restock Cabinet
Magazine Editor: Can you help me? I think the stapler's broken...See it's broken because it doesn't have any staples.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Suit #1: So how have you been lately?
Suit #2: Eh, you know, overworked.
Suit #1: Yeah, same here...By the way, nice tan you've got there.
Suit #2: Thanks, you too.
590 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Sitdown with HR
Art Director: What did you mean when you said that HR is going to work differently?
Exec: Oh, it's going to work now.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Sales #1: You mean he wants to get paid for the time he was screwing the company?
Sales #2: That's what he said.
12 Nijara Street
Givat Shaul, Jerusalem
Israel
Overheard by: just dunno
2PM Interviews
Nursing Aide: What do I do?
CSR: Just fill out the brown application.
Nursing Aide: Okay, I filled out my name, but where do I put my address?
CSR: No ma'am, the brown application. That is a calendar.
99 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: praying I don't need medical attention
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: There he goes, tossing his salad again. Isn't that a phrase? Doesn't that mean something? "Tossing the salad"?
Temp: Yes, it's a phrase.
Worker #1: But what does it mean? Is it like, "I'm gonna kick your ass"? "I'm gonna toss your salad"?
Temp: Um, not exactly.
Worker #2: Yeah, I've heard that, too. What does that mean? Do you know?
Temp: Yes, I know, but it's kind of inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh really? What does it mean?
Temp: It's inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh come on, just tell me.
Temp: Well, it's...analingus.
Worker #1: Oh. Really?
Worker #2: I never heard that.
Worker #1: "I'm gonna toss your salad". Huh.
Worker #3: ...If anyone was made uncomfortable by this conversation, come talk to me later.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Physical Therapist: How are you today?
Patient: No good.
Physical Therapist: That's too bad. Why not?
Patient: Because I would rather eat my own foot off than talk to you.
275 South 5th Avenue
Pocatello, Idaho
2PM Call Jeff for Clarification
CCA #1: The client says his squirrel machine's broken. What the hell is a squirrel machine?
CCA #2: One of those things with the wheel, where the squirrels run around?
CCA #1: I don't think we provide those.
CCA #2: What's the problem?
CCA #1: He says it's broken.
CCA #2: Is he feeding it enough?
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM Problems on 12
Co-worker on phone: Hello?...Do I have a minute to come up for a second?
385 Benedict Street
Port Townsend, Washington
9AM Back to Work
Worker on phone: When can you come in today?...Well, I don't know how long it takes to file an Apprehended Violence Order.
94 Todd Street
Alice Springs, Northern Territory
Australia
Overheard by: Daniel Waudby
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Look, the window cleaners are here.
Worker #2: Aren't they freezing? It's 15 degrees out.
Worker #1: Oh no, the water they're using is hot.
25800 Northwestern Highway
Southfield, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Finance: The pills the pharmacy gave me for my back looked funny. They were supposed to be oval and yellow but they are more long and white.
VP: So did you find out what the problem was?
Finance: Well, I called the pharmacy and they said that they had mistakenly given me anti-psychotics instead of my back medicine.
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Sensitivity Training
Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.
12 East 46th Street
New York, NY
4PM Get Janet to Redo Brochures
Tech: You can't save with Adobe Reader. You have to have Professional to save what you enter in the form.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: Yes, but in Reader. You have to have Professional.
Sales Assistant: So I can't save?
Tech: Right.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: That doesn't matter. You still can't save the form.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: In Reader. You have to have Professional to save the data you enter in the form. Reader won't let you save changes to a PDF.
Sales Assistant: Okay. But I have 6.0. Why can't I save with that?
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
12PM Production Meeting
Project Manager: I'm working on Chronic Constipation and should be done with it later today. How is Ulcerative Colitis coming along?
Multimedia Developer: Good. Should have it for you tomorrow for review. What's up with Vaginal Discharge?
3339 Ward Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Conference Call
Employee #1: Okay, we'll send an intern over, then.
Employee #2 on speaker: That'd be great. Do you have any Asians?
250 Park Ave South
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor: We have a call-out
Boss: Why's he calling out?
Supervisor: Says his house caught fire.
Boss: Bullshit! Tell him we want a pic of him fighting the fucking fire! Then we'll authorize the call-out!
731 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: RedManInc
10AM Conference
Co-worker #1: Is this the small conference room, northwest corner?
Co-worker #2: It's the smallest one.
Co-worker #1: So that's why they gave it the name "small conference room"?
1661 Feehanville Drive
Mount Prospect, Illinois
4PM Retreat Planning Meeting
Committee Lead: Okay, how about some pros for holding the picnic at the zoo?
Committee Member: Monkeys slinging poo!
20800 Harvard Road
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Do you want to tell them the truth?
Boss: What's the truth?
Co-worker: The truth is that you can't go and I don't feel like it.
Boss: So you want to tell them that?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Boss: Do you want to tell them the truth or the enchanced version of the truth?
100 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Back Office Peon
3PM Smoke Break
Scientist #1: Ow, stop poking me. What is that in your pocket?
Scientist #2: It's either a test tube or I am really happy to see you.
701 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Manager: These monitors that you are getting rid of; are they any good?
Tech: They are a little fuzzy.
Manager: "A little fuzzy"? What's "a little fuzzy"?
Tech: You know, like a hamster.
90 Sherman Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM Reserve Car
Coworker #1: Are these car rental coupons good in Hawaii?
Coworker #2: I dunno, it says it's good in the United States.
Coworker #1: Is Hawaii part of the United States?
Coworker #2: Hey, is Hawaii part of the United States?
Coworker #3: ...What? Are you serious?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you know, like is Canada part of the US?
Coworker #3: Canada is a completely different country.
Coworker #2: I asked you about Hawaii you fool!
120 Providence Road
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Attorney: Did you spray the air freshener after you used the bathroom?
Secretary: ...We're getting to know each other too well in this office.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Tuck Tabler
12PM Plan New Office
Boss: Hey, can you help me? I need to make a floor plan for the new office.
Underling: Yeah, sure. What are the dimensions?
Boss: It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but what are the dimensions?
Boss: What do you mean? It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but like what is the length and width?
Boss: Just make it 10,000 square feet.
Underling: But is it a square, or a rectangle, or what?
Boss: Uh, make it a rectangle.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant #1: I want to stab my eyes out. Is that normal?
Assistant #2: Yes.
Assistant #1: Just wanted to make sure.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Reboot Servers
Unix Admin #1: Hey [Garth], are you hung?
Unix Admin #2: Yeah, I would say that we all are.
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
10AM Work Phone
Staff Auditor: Hey [Senior Audtior], your wife is on the phone. Should we tell her the audit room smells too badly and you will call her back?
Senior Auditor: Yeah...
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Smell E. Lotz
5PM Out of Here
Messenger: Going down?
Passenger: You want we should go sideways?
15 West 39th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I swear, you'd think we never eat the way we jump on the free food.
Co-worker #2: If it weren't for work I don't think I would eat.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, but I always forget and eat and then I have to eat again when it's free.
Co-worker #2: Not me. I wait for it. But sometimes that's bad, 'cause like, then one day I'll be hungry and I'll be all like, "Why didn't you guys have a meeting today?!"
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Schedule Interviews
Co-worker #1: What happened to that [Veronica] girl?
Co-worker #2: She quit already.
Co-worker #1: After one day?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I don't think she was that into this whole thing.
Co-worker #1: What, marketing?
Co-worker #2: No...Work.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter
10AM Pick Up Package
Worker #1: I'm expecting my new inbox today.
Worker #2: You're pregnant again?
Worker #1: ...
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
9AM Back to Work
Clerk: I got an error message on that email I sent.
Manager: Well, then you aren't holding your mouth right, are ya?
Clerk: What?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM Lunch
Intern #1: So are you lactose intolerant?
Intern #2: No, I'm not lactose intolerant, it just makes my throat close up.
304 Hudson Street
New York, NY
4PM Department Meeting
Designer: Have you seen [Dustin] around?
Writer: Nope.
Designer: Hmm. I haven't checked his office yet.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Reports Due (?)
Drone #1: Do you need the reports immediately?
Drone #2: Yeah, but not right now.
2929 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker #1: The cell phone is ringing.
Worker #2: What do I do?
301 North Etheridge Street
Bonifay, Florida
4PM Buy New Fax
Boss: So that fax machine is jamming again? I thought the repairman was just in here fixing it? What did he say?
Employee: No, it was that one that he fixed. You switched the faxes, right? So the good one is up here and the bad one is in the back?
Boss: No. I told you this morning that I wasn't going to do that because your mom was coming in to fax tomorrow so we might as well just get the bad one fixed.
Employee: Who were you talking to? The repair guy? Are you sure you were talking to me?
Boss: No, I was talking to the post.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
1PM Lunch
Consultant #1: Where is [Jeff]?
Consultant #2: He's not in my cubicle. That leaves the rest of the universe for you to search.
Consultant #1: Is he at lunch?
Consultant #2: If you're going to start looking, do it now. The universe closes at 5.
250 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Staff Meeting
Employee: Do you always have to act like a child?
Manager: This company is all about innovation. And studies have consistently shown that the most innovative thought comes from the ages of five and under.
31601 Pacific Hwy South
Federal Way, Washington
4PM Interviews
Intern #1: How did the interview go?
Intern #2: You know how punctuality is a good thing?
Intern #1: Oh my gosh, were you late?
Intern #2: No, I was two weeks early.
1150 17th Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Order Safe
Tech #1: Can I have the key to the IDF closet?
Tech #2: I don't have it, it's in the lockbox.
Tech #1: Well then, can I have the key to the lockbox?
Tech #2: It's not locked.
20800 Harvard Road
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Staff Meeting
CIO: So, we're okay now?
Manager: No, we still have problems, but they're higher quality problems.
5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland
Overheard by: Cantabile
3PM Coffee Break
Accountant: Could you call and get someone to come and service our coffee machine?
Receptionist: Sure! What's going on with it?
Accountant: The hot water tap just tastes like regular tap water.
1625 North Palafox Street
Pensacola, Florida
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: What's the matter?
Co-worker #2: I'm cold.
Co-worker #1: How can you be cold? It's Friday.
Co-worker #2: ...What?
1944 East Sky Harbor Circle
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Mail Contracts
Warehouse worker: Can you fax this document to a P.O. box for me?
Shipping clerk: Usually I would "fax" this to a P.O. Box for you [Gina], but my fax machine is down right now. So maybe you should "buy" a stamp and use the Postal Service for this one!
Warehouse worker: Oh, okay, thanks for the help. Where do we keep the
stamps and who works in the Postal Service?
495 3rd Street
Pineville, Louisiana
Overheard by: Lesn N. Tothem
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Why are you guys just sitting there? What's going on?
Underling: I'm helping her with her mouse. It looks like her computer froze.
Manager: Well, you shouldn't let it get so cold.
8484 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM QA
User: I don't want a customer to be able to login and they might guess that their password is "welcome."
Tech: We can change it to, let's say, "monkey123."
User: Well, what if they guess "monkey123"?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
4PM Work on Server
Dev #1: Why would we ever deny the faculty access to Moodle?
Dev #2: We might have always cut the ends off a ham because our mom taught us to.
Dev #1: ...
1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri
4PM Mail Thank You Notes
Employee #1: I don't know what to write.
Employee #2: How about, "I'm surprised you cheap skanks chipped in ten bucks a piece"?
Employee #1: ...I was thinking more, "I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this."
327 West Michigan Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
1PM Lunch
IT #1: She's a nut.
IT #2: Most people are.
IT #1: What kinda nut do you think we are?
IT #2: Cashews because we're unique and expensive.
IT #1: I guess we could be macadamians.
IT #2: Those are fatty.
30830 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
12PM Update Resume
Worker #1: Man, I'm having a hard time since I've had to write about me. Do you have any suggestions?
Worker #2: I don't know. It's been a long time since I've had to sell myself.
900 Washington Avenue
Waco, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Who are you talking to?
Co-worker #2: Myself.
Co-worker #1: Are you getting any answers?
100 Park Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Manager: Did you just hear that catfight? Everyone is stressed. We need to go do something fun.
Co-worker: Yeah. We need to go drinking and then they need to take off their clothes and have a pillow fight.
3755 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
4PM Call Client (Again!)
Co-worker #1: Are you okay?
Co-worker #2: I'm okay. But if I could slap people through the phone, others wouldn't be okay.
515 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Peter Gibbons
12PM Contact Locksmith
Employee #1: Our VP of Operations locked himself out of his office. He hasn't been able to get in for about an hour now.
Employee #2: Nobody has a spare key?
Employee #1: Nope, and the tool box that we keep here to help in these kinds of situations is locked in his office too.
650 Technology Park
Lake Mary, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Inspector: So, are you still a slave to Cox?
200 Quality Circle
College Station, Texas
1PM Lunch
Writer: What the heck is going on with you?
Designer: Why?
Writer: Because I messaged you like three times.
Designer: Oh. I didn't see it.
Writer: Thank god I wasn't sending you my suicide note.
Designer: You would do that through Yahoo!?
Writer: I don't know. Maybe. Is it too informal?
Designer: Kind of. I mean like print it out or something. Then somebody could drop it in my box.
Writer: What font would I even use?
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
12PM Product Meeting
Boss: Oh, one other thing. I didn't think the Sunday [product] was very strong.
Worker: Well, what would you have done differently?
Boss: I'm not really sure...I just think we needed something different there.
Worker: Like what?
Boss: Well, that's really the question, isn't it?
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you pick up [Bruce]?
Owner: Yes, I picked him up.
[Bruce]: Do you think it's a sign to go home when you run out of gas in your car at a gas station who runs out of gas?
101 East Main Street
Farmington, New Mexico
4PM Clerical Testing
Applicant: Boy, there were a lot of errors in that letter. I hope I wasn't supposed to correct them. I was just supposed to type the letter the way it is, right?
18 North County Street
Waukegan, Illinois
12PM Development Update
Programmer #1: How do I turn on logging in the web application?
Programmer #2: Talk dirty to it.
5450 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: Yeah, some guy just fell from the 72nd down onto the 6th floor.
Co-worker #2: Is he dead?
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Call HR
New Hire: Is there a limit on the annual tuition reimbursement amount?
Admin: Tuition...That's for schools, right?
New Hire: Uh, yeah. Is there someone else I should talk to about this?
1301 Dove Street
Newport Beach, California
9AM Back to Work
Receptionist: He's not in, may I take a message?...No, we don't have voice mail, but I'll be happy to take a message...I write it on a piece of paper and had it to him when he comes in.
1718 Villa Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Order Discs
Co-worker: Is these discs recorderable overable?
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
1PM Lunch
Receptionist: I don't know whether to throw up my hands or just throw up.
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oldcorps50
5PM Happy Hour
Editor #1: Why would they ding you?
Editor #2: They have to ding. Even if there is nothing wrong, they have to ding. It's psychological.
Editor #1: I need a beer.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Producer: So you're from Iowa?
Consultant: No, Ohio.
Producer: Illinois?
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Rewrite Memos
Co-worker #1: Can you believe the way that this memo is written? It's like every statement is questioning.
Co-worker #2: Maybe it was written in Canada.
120 East Washington Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Donnie Baker
10AM Update Resume
Worker #1: I make less than everyone. People on unemployment make less than me.
Worker #2: Is that true?
Worker #1: No.
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
5PM That's a Wrap
File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
2PM Pick Up Promo Shirts
Receptionist: What are the new shirts made out?
Clerk: They're 100% cotton.
Receptionist: Cotton? That's the stuff that grows on sheep, right?
Clerk: No, cotton comes from rabbits. That's why they're called cottontails.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
9AM Back to Work
Teller: So how was your weekend?
Customer: Oh, it was all right...my husband died.
1600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
2PM Conference
Conferenceperson: Could you please have a pot of coffee ready for my 2 o'clock meeting?
Secretary: Um, there's a scheduled 1 hour long power outage at 1:30.
Conferenceperson: That's okay, we have lights.
Computer Science Building
Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Let's take the new Financial Controller from [the client] out to lunch. Is she cute?...Oh, it's a guy...Does he have a sense of humor?
680 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
10AM Collect Surveys
Administrator: [Les], do you have any overdue surveys?
[Les]: No, I don't.
Administrator: You don't have any surveys due before the 26th?
[Les]: No, the only surveys I have were due on the 23rd and the 24th.
811 Russell Avenue
Gaithersburg, Maryland
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Okay, thanks...Hey...Are you wearing white pants? Wow. You are. This is like...some kind of day. I never seen a man wearing white dress pants here before.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Update Payroll
Bookkeeper: What is Susan's last name?
Office Manager: Susan who?
812 Moorefield Park Drive
Richmond, Virginia
2PM Call About Car
Old man: My car was stolen this morning. It's been a terrible day. I had my son come all the way out to drive me over to see you, because you're my agent.
Insurance Agent: What would you like me to do about it?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next-door Nancy
12PM Server Upgrades
Server support: The server is still taking errors?
Network support: Okay?
Server support: Did you run the new cable we asked for?
Network Support: Yes.
Server support: Are you sure you ran it to the correct server?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: Did you test the cable?
Network support: Yes.
Server support: How did you test it?
Network support: I farted on one end and I could smell it on the other.
1600 Dublin Road
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn't get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven't you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
4PM Call [the Client]
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM Coffee Break
Team Member #1: That lady on the street was laughing at you.
Team Member #2: Why? I was trying to make you laugh, not her.
Team Member #1: Why? Because of what you did! No one does that here!
Team Member #2: I'm just trying to bring diversity to the office...
Team Member #1: By doing that?
Team Member #2: Could you just try to not make fun of me for one day?
Just try?
201 3rd Street
San Francisco, California
2PM Deposit Checks
Mortgage Specialist: I have to say this loan is for you. In fact, if you were to reject the loan I would frankly have to drive down to
your house and shoot your porch light out.
Borrower: Well we can't have that now, can we?
440 W 200 S
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: AK 47
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: How's the weather outside, is it cold?
Worker #2: Girl, I've been working with you in the office all morning.
Worker #1: Well, at least you get to talk to people on the phone. I thought someone might have said something.
14 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
12PM Correct Contact Info
Worker #1: Damn, they've spelt my name wrong on the rota again.
Worker #2: How did they do that?
Worker #1: They used the wrong letters, idiot!
Trafalgar Road
Birkdale, Southport
UK
11AM Call Building Management--Urgent
Receptionist: Hey everyone, tomorrow the building management is changing the bathrooms codes to 6-1-5.
Co-worker #1: But...we don't have a 6.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, the buttons only go up to 5.
Co-worker #1: Is the building management trying to tell us we're not allowed to pee any more?
2425 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: There were so many Jews in the concentration camps. Why didn't some of them join together and try and fight the Nazis?
195 Turbot Street
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia
12PM Mail Invoices
Co-worker #1: So do they have offices in the Northern part of Texas?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, like up in that chimney portion of the state.
Co-worker #1: Oh. I'll show you a fire.
Co-worker #2: What?
611 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM Back to Work
Worker: Can you please help with the thingy, you know, um, over there?
Manager: Well done, very descriptive.
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Let's take care of that tomorrow.
Employee: Let's as in "you and me", or "you, me and [Kate]", or "me and [Kate]"?
Boss: Let's as in "you and Kate]." I shouldn't be involved unless there's a problem.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Conference
Help Desk #1: Who should we send?
Help Desk #2: Let's send [Jessica].
Help Desk #3: She's perfect.
Help Desk #2: Of course, she's female.
Help Desk #1: Yeah, she's very female!
123 Pitkin Road
Plainfield, Vermont
10AM Order New Camera
Boss: Damn it! My camera is dead again!
Receptionist: Didn't you just replace those batteries a couple of days ago?
Boss: Yes.
Sales: Maybe you're out of megapixels.
1003 Distribution Drive
Columbus, Ohio
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Suit #1: How did your glasses break?
Suit #2: A big girl sat on them.
Suit #1: Next time take them off your face first.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Did you smell that?
Employee #2: Why would he call us in there after doing that?
Employee #1: I don't think he knows; my grandma would fart all the time and nobody said a word. We figured she did not know.
Supervisor: I am going to White Castle, anybody want some sliders?
4501 West Mitchell Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Sign Off on Blueprints
Director: Hey, you got a tape measure?
Ops Coordinator: What do you need a tape measure for?
3 Nationwide Plaza
Columbus, Ohio
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Would it be wrong if we left to get breakfast?
Co-worker #2: Why would it be wrong?
Co-worker #1: Well, it's only 9 o'clock.
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: I don't know. It seems like maybe we should wait a little bit.
Co-worker #2: No way! I've been here since 8:30. I've worked enough.
Co-worker #1: All right. Let's go, then.
Co-worker #2: Hold on. I just painted my nails. Takes forever to dry.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Call Maintenance
Co-worker: I found three turds this morning. Do we have someone who comes and takes care of that?
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Do they have color by numbers in England?
Co-worker #2: Mmm, I dunno. Ask [Denis], he's British.
Co-worker #1: They have fish sticks, right?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I think they're called something else.
205 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Guillermo Echevarria
11AM Check Forecast
VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
9AM They're At It Again
Co-worker #1: Don't you think the enter key is kind of phallic? You know--how it's all "enter" with an arrow pointing?
Co-worker #2: Huh. Yeah. Weird.
Co-worker #1: And there's the backspace button too. Arrow points the same way.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, maybe that's so gay people don't feel left out?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Did you know that the egg yolk was never able to be a chicken unless it's fertilized?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I mean, like eating this hard-boiled egg is like eating the eggs that you expel during your period.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, like right now I mean, you could get down and just lap it up.
845 United Nations Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sharon
12PM Inventory
Co-worker #1: What are some common plastics?
Co-worker #2: Um, that list is really long. Just look for "polymers."
Co-worker #1: Well, what are some common polymers?
Co-worker #2: No, really, that list is longer than my arm. Just look for stuff that starts with "poly."
Co-worker #1: ...Is ceramic a polymer?
Co-worker #2: Um. No.
500 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Colleen
10AM Pay Renewal Fee
Accounting: You submitted a payment request for a renewal fee.
Peon: Yes.
Accounting: Can you find out how long the renewal term is for?
Peon: It says "annual renewal fee" on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, I saw that, but do you know when it's valid until?
Peon: It says valid from October 31, 2005 on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, but can you make sure? You never know it could be for like two years or something.
3700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: Can I borrow a colored pen?
Co-worker #2: Here's a red one, but I may need it later for drawing fire.
525 7th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I pretty much hate that stupid nursing consultant.
Co-worker #2: I know. Me too.
Co-worker #1: She's so phony. It's 'cause she's Southern.
Co-worker #2: I know! I hate Southerners! And I'm not even black!
Co-worker #1: Uh...what?
Co-worker #2: Well, you know. The slave thing. Don't you hate her because of the slave thing?
Co-worker #1: Uh, no.
100 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Test Phones
Shipping Manager: I can't hear anything on my phone whenever I make or receive a call. Can you check it out for me?
IT Director: Did you get your hearing checked?
4055 Casilio Parkway
Clarence, New York
10AM Send Out Packages
Call center worker: What does it mean, "do not ship domination"?
Call center supervisor: What?
Call center worker: "D-o-m-i-n-i-o-n."
26600 SW Parkway Avenue
Wilsonville, Oregon
9AM The Mornings Keep Coming
Secretary: Good morning, Mr. [Stirner].
Caseworker: Good morning. Oh shit! What happened to your hair?
Secretary: Nothing, why?
Caseworker: Everytime I see you, your hair is a different color. what color will it be tomorrow?
Secretary: I haven't decided. What color do you suggest? Green, purple, gold?
815 Broadway
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: BabyGirl
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What are you drinking? Oh, my daughter loves that stuff.
Co-worker #2: This is a Red Bull. Isn't your daughter only five?
Co-worker #1: Yes. My husband always gives it to her.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
9AM There They Go Again
Co-worker #1: Do you have a dog?
Co-worker #2: No, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone another dog.
2645 South Mojave Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Nurse: Is there a reason that there's a "no pregnant women" sign on that room? Because the patient in there is pregnant.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
10AM Fix Time Machine
Boss: Does anyone need this 2005 calendar?
Grunt: No thanks; my time machine is broken.
414 South Main Street
Independence, Oregon
11AM Finalize Contracts
Boss: This subcontractor really chaps my butt.
Senior VP: Is it a good butt chapping or a bad chapping?
Boss: Bad.
Senior VP: Glad to know there's a differnce.
812 Moorefield Park
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher: I don't know if my students will regress enough to qualify for summer services.
Principal: You should play music really loud when you test them.
299 Rathbun Willard Drive
Attleboro, Massachusetts
11AM Interviews
Candidate: Do you have a listing of job openings?
HR Secretary: Yes, there is a list on the blue piece of paper on the table.
Candidate: Which one?
HR Secretary: The blue piece of paper.
Candidate: This one?
HR Secretary: Yes.
Candidate: I'm not qualified for any of these. Do you have any other positions open?
HR Secretary: Did you turn it over? There are more job listings on the back.
Candidate: Oh.
155 Deer Hill Avenue
Danbury, Connecticut
10AM Call Phone Company
Admin: The phones and internet are down temporarily.
Agent: Damn, I was expecting a phone call.
Admin: Yeah, sorry, there's nothing we can do about it. There's a
problem with the hard lines to our building.
Agent: Oh, I have an idea. I can fax them.
Admin: You can't. The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Right. Oh! I can send them an email.
Admin: You can't.
Agent: Why not?
Admin: The phones and internet are down.
Agent: Oh.
907 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM Find New Temp
Co-worker #1: I can't believe that they fired that temp.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, he wasn't working very hard and he was goofing off.
Co-worker #1: That's not very fair. By the way, do you have the new football pool sheet? I lost mine.
4950 College Boulevard
Leawood, Kansas
Overheard by: Ron Zinn
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Oh, you look nice. Are you going somewhere?
Co-worker #2: No, I just never went home last night.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
10AM Pricing Review
Underling: What do you think about the new price increase?
Team leader: I think; that's all I know.
1070 Technology Drive
Venice, Florida
9AM Only Eight More Hours of This
Manager: Good morning ladies. What are you whispering about?
Secretary #1 & #2: You.
11909 Spencer Road
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I have to leave in like two hours.
Worker #2: I just got here...
Worker #1 & #2: Ha, ha!
Worker #1: Isn't that what flex-time means, anyway?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
Overheard by: cindy
12PM Check Up on Renatl Department
Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?
1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Are we still on for lunch at the strip club on Wednesday?
Worker #2: You bet. Is there really a lunch buffet there?
4 Gateway Center
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Matt
11AM EOY Staff Meeting
Manager: We're all sharks. Remember, guys.
Employee: Huh? Sharks?
Manager: Yeah, we're all like sharks. Sharks have to keep moving their whole life or they'll die. They never stop moving. So keep moving, guys! We're sharks!
Employee: So basically what you're saying is that if we stop moving, you'll kill us all?
208 Chain Lake Drive
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Are we loud in meetings?
Co-worker #2: Some of us are.
Co-worker #1: Let me correct that: are we allowed in meetings?
3650 131st Avenue SE
Bellevue, Washington
2PM Find Out What Those Plumbers Said
Plumber #1: So what about Jeanette?
Plumber #2: She pisses me off, man. That bitch pisses me off so much I want to cut her into little pieces. You know what I mean?
Plumber #1: I know what you mean.
Translated from the Spanish.
145 East 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Spooner
5PM Enjoy the Weekend, Everyone
Boss: Have a great Christmas, everyone. I'm going to go see my new grandkid.
Secretary: Aw. You have a new grandchild? Is this the first time
you'll see it?
Boss: Yeah, they're delivering by C-section on Wednesday.
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
4PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Agent #1: Why is that dog wearing a "W" on its head?
Agent #2: That's not a "W"; it's obviously an "M." It's just upside down.
Bystander: Um...those are reindeer antlers.
7145 SE 21st Avenue
Portland, Oregon
1PM Christmas Party
Co-worker #1: Can you make those changes I requested?
Co-worker #2: Did you ever email me the information?
Co-worker #1: No. I'll have it to you in 10 minutes.
Co-worker #2: Sorry, party starts in 4 minutes.
1932 Highland Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
2PM Credit Meeting
VP: Are we going to continue to flog ourselves with the same blunt instrument?
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
4PM Meeting with the Brits
Client: I measured it, it was 4 centimetres!
Salesman: What's that in millimetres?
Client: Did you even go to school?
297 Munster Road
Fulham, London
UK
Overheard by: Marshall
3PM Smoke Break
CSA #1: So today is the official start of winter. Who cares?
CSA #2: To some people that is important.
CSA #1: Like who, bears?
CSA #2: To some people it's a winter holiday
CSA #1: Like who, Canadians?
1000 Semmes Avenue
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Chastain
11AM Party Planning
Worker: So the Christmas party is mandatory?
Boss: Of course not, but if you don't show you'll probably be ostracized.
Worker: ...And I have to sign a waiver to drink?
Boss: Do you think a company of lawyers would let everyone drink, then drive, and not cover their asses?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
4PM Caren Out
Clerk #1: Why is she leaving now?
Clerk #2: She had to leave early to go get her brakes fixed. She was going on and on how they weren't working this morning.
Clerk #1: So they're going to start suddenly working now or is she just going to pray for green lights the whole way?
2121 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
1PM Lunch
Worker: Lemon cod, please. With pasta and--
Server: Pasta's an entree. Not a side.
Worker: Oh, I didn't see it on the entree sign.
Server: That's because it's a side.
9000 Wisconsin Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Barb
12PM Schedule Flights for Conference
Employee #1: Where's she going, Georgia or Atlanta?
Employee #2: Atlanta. Well, a suburb of Atlanta
Employee #1: Wait, why she said she's going to Georgia?
Employee #2: She's going to Atlanta.
Employee #1: What's that, like the capital? I thought Georgia was the
capital?
Employee #2: No, Atlanta, it's like New York City
Employee #1: I always get those two confused.
Employee #2: She's going to Atlanta. Hotlanta. Well, Decatur. It's a
suburb.
Employee #1: So why did she say she was going to Georgia?
636 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
5PM COB
Co-worker #1: Did you see that email [Henry] sent?
Co-worker #2 & #3: Yes.
Co-worker #1: What does he mean by "COB"?
Co-worker #2 & #3: Conclusion of business.
Co-worker #1: Oh, I was hoping it meant "commencement of breakfast."
10900 Stonelake Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: T the Munificent
2PM Talk with HR
Boss over intercom: [Laurel] please come to my office for a personal favor.
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Meeting at ASPCA
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn't check the plumbing, if that's what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it's a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
11AM Schedule Vacations
Co-worker #1: Is it bad to take holidays just after you start a
new job, like within the trial period?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I took, like, 10 days in the first week of starting.
WCP Harlaw Road
Inverurie, Aberdeenshire
Scotland
Overheard by: JBlair
2PM IT Conference Call
Tech Support: Okay, I need you to go to a command prompt and type
"'mail from:' your email address" and this should get you a connection.
User: It didn't work.
Tech Support: Okay, so you typed "'mail from:' your email address" and it didn't work for you?
User: Wait a minute. Did you say you wanted me to type "nail" or "mail"?
1010 Niagara Street
Buffalo, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Hey, tell them that story you were telling me the other day. The one about Burger King.
Co-worker #2: What story about Burger King?
Co-worker #1: You know...you were with your dad or your father-in-law...
Co-worker #2: The story where my father had a heart attack because of a Burger King sandwich?
Co-worker #1: ...Yeah.
Co-worker #2: That's the story.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Board Meeting
President: You really need to stop asking so many questions and start figuring things out for yourself, especially when you are out producing jobs.
Worker: You're right, I realize that. I'm trying harder.
President: And about this job you worked Saturday night; did you know what you were doing there?
Worker: To be honest, I wasn't sure on some things.
President: Well, did you ask anyone what your role was supposed to be? If you don't know something you really need to start asking questions. People are here to help you.
200 West 57th Street
New York, NY
9AM So...Drowsy...
Partner: Do you think the girls would mind if I popped an Ambien and went to sleep in their bathroom?
10 South Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Double Check Figures
Co-worker #1: Hey [Rachel]: you're not a math person, are you?
Co-worker #2: Why, because I have breasts?
1014 Boswell Avenue
Crete, Nebraska
12PM Work on Hospital Marketing Campaign
Co-worker #1: Can I use the abbreviation RNA?
Co-worker #2: You mean, like the stuff in your blood?
Co-worker #3: What's the abbreviation for "the customer's a jerk"?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
3PM [Elizabeth]'s Goodbye Party
Boss: [Elizabeth], we wish you the best. You are a nice person and if you ever want to come back to work here, you are welcome. Now where is [Rachel]? [Rachel], do you want to say a few words? Because I can only comment on [Elizabeth] as a person, not her work.
1425 New York Avenue NW
Washington, DC
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR: Oh, you work on computers? You probably know more than I do so this should be an easy call, huh?
25 Brooklyn Avenue
Forsyth, Georgia
10AM Marketing Session
Co-worker #1: Are Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs homoerotic?
Co-worker #2: Oh my god. Totally!
Co-worker #1: But they aren't gay, right?
Co-worker #2: What do you think homoerotic means?
584 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM QA
Co-worker: How about the software configuration?
Analyst: Your questions are very annoying!
Co-worker: I'm guessing you shouldn't tell clients they are annoying.
8315 Century Park Court
San Diego, California
11AM Section Meeting
Supervisor: We have to use E. G.
Co-worker: "E. G."?
Supervisor: Yeah, engineering judgment.
20000 Rotunda Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
1PM Run Errands
Receptionist: Argh! My arm is so itchy. I'm, like, allergic to work!
Co-worker: Stop scratching; you are making it worse! At lunch, go
and get an antihistamine to stop the swelling.
Receptionist: Antihistamine or antiinflammatory? I think it's
inflamed. What's the difference anyway?
Co-worker: Antihistamine is something that is not histamine, and
antiinflammatory is something that's not inflammatory.
Receptionist: So I'll ask the chemist?
25 Parramatta Road
Underwood, Queensland
Australia
4PM Train CSRs
CSR: So is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: I'm not sure; are there any questions I didn't ask yet?
605 5th Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: listening in
12PM Get That Outlet Fixed
Tech: Is it working?
Co-worker #1: No, I'm only partially lit.
Co-worker #2: How many people does it take to get you fully lit?
Co-worker #3: 4. 2 to watch and 2 to do the lighting.
600 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: new jersey boy
11AM Finalize November's Numbers
Account manager: Do you get the monthly reports and messages?
Office worker: No, I don't get anything. I'm so lonely.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
10AM Non-Interrogation
Tech: Is this some sort of interrogation?
Supervisor: Ah...yeah...we're not cops, so, obviously not.
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
4PM Order Covers
Co-worker on phone: Hi [Victor], I was just calling about the new nano covers. They are priced the same and everything but one comes with a little white strap and the other comes with a big black one...So it's just the customer's choice whether they want a big black one or a little white one?
432 St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Data Monkey
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I'm going to have to take a lot of time to help my wife out when the baby comes. Are we allowed any paternity leave?
Co-worker #2: The father gets 3 days. I don't know what you get.
1 Bay Avenue
Montclair, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jonathan Nelson
2PM New Intern Orientation
Supervisor: Isn't it just great how college kids today have such a mastery over electronics but not even the remotest grasp on the English language?
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
12PM Fix the Internet
Flunky #1: The internet is broken.
Flunky #2: What's wrong?
Flunky #1: I can't get to any sites.
3001 Broadway Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Finalize Mailing
Editor #1: Did you check these names religiously?
Editor #2: Yeah, he's praying they're all right.
2 Holt Steet
Surry Hills, New South Wales
Australia
9AM There's a Morning Wake-up
Employee: What are you doing? Are you okay?
PR Manager: Ugh...Stretching. I slipped on the subway this morning.
Employee: Oh, it looks like you're trying to...never mind.
11 Hanover Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: It happened at 9:30 this morning...Between 9 and 10.
Co-worker #2: Is that when 9:30 is?
1633 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: The Muskrat Jones
1PM Lunch
Nurse: How did I know this elevator was going down?
Man: I don't know; my guess would be the down arrow above the
door, though...
Davis Avenue at East Post Road
White Plains, New York
10AM Finalize Vacations
Co-worker #1: Where's [Kate]?
Co-worker #2: She's off all week.
Co-worker #1: I'm off Wed through Fri. What are you off?
Co-worker #3: Her rocker.
7000 Cardinal Place
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Thenodrin
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: So, I think I have decided to give up caffeine. But I can't decide if I should give up liquid caffeine, or sugar caffeine.
Co-worker #2: You should give up the liquid kind.
Co-worker #1: Does that mean I have to give up my coffee in the mornings?
Co-worker #2: Naw, just cut back on the amount of pop you drink.
6700 Antioch Road
Overland Park, Kansas
11AM All Hands Meeting
Manager: Okay, do you see anyone who is not here?
Employee: Uh, nope.
2913 Nueces Drive
Harlingen, texas
9AM It's Like a Welcome Mat
Co-worker: Does the whole building smell like urine? Or is it just my cube?
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Research Software
Co-worker #1: What's SAS like?
Co-worker #2: It's sassy!
600 Alexander Park
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Philly Cynics
9AM Good Morning, Office!
Lawyer #1: What does that mean again?
Lawyer #2: Listen, if you can't figure out this report, you're fired.
452 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
4PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: You're really getting good at that.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I keep thinking the little running chef in
BurgerTime looks disturbingly like Jim Cramer.
Co-worker #3: Can't you at least pretend you're working?
250 West 55th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: MadMoney
1PM Lunch and Learn
Worker #1: The "Lunch And Learn" is today, right?
Worker #2: Yep.
Worker #1: Can we take our lunch in?
699 Walnut Street
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM It Begins
Manager: Did I hear someone trying to play matchmaker? Have you routed a memo for approval?
10155 102 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: angel.girl
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
11AM Meeting with NJ Branch Folks
Co-worker on phone: When you get out of the subway station start walking North--
Manager: Don't tell them that...your North is different from my North and it's a tarantula downpour outside. You don't want them walking the wrong way in the rain.
Co-worker: Everyone's North is the same and it's torrential downpour.
Manager: Everyone's North is the same? I always get my Norths mixed up.
535 8th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Angie Rowe
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker: My hubby can be such a dork. We went to the hardware store this weekend because we are refinishing our bathroom. So, I ask the hardware store guy, "Where do you keep your caulk?" Hubby just stood behind me and snickered.
8400 Esters Boulevard
Irving, Texas
2PM Orientation
CSR: So if someone calls and asks to be transferred to Darryl, I transfer the call to Darryl, right?
51 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Review
Worker: Can you review this for me?
Manager: Why are you asking me all the time?
Worker: Because you're my team leader.
Manager: There are no team leaders anymore.
Worker: What? Yes, there are.
Manager: No, there aren't.
Worker: Well, I asked [Jesse] yesterday, and he said he couldn't do it because he wasn't my team leader. Why would he say that if there aren't team leaders anymore?
Manager: Because he didn't want to do your review.
137 Iroquois Avenue
Essex Junction, Vermont
5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done
Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Matty K
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: Where do we sign up for that class? Ass-kissing 101?
'Cause I think I have this negative reaction to it that's holding me back, and I think that a class could really help me break down barriers.
1910 Pacific Avenue
Dallas, Texas
10AM Set Up Booth
Interviewer: So, how long have you been at this address?
Applicant: All day until I heard about this job fair.
450 Clyde Fant Parkway
Shreveport, Louisiana
1PM Head Out for Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why do they only lock the girls' bathroom and not the guys'?
Co-worker #2: So you don't come in and rape us.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's true.
475 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
11AM Call Security
Customer: Are you a chicken?
Employee: No, I'm a sales associate.
767 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Flee the Office
Co-worker #1 walks by [Seth].
Co-worker #1: Hi!
Seth: ...
Co-worker #1: Yo, what's the deal with [Seth]? That guy is a straight up tower shooter.
4 Airport Park Boulevard
Latham, New York
Overheard by: Nathan
4PM Sitdown with Accounting
Co-worker #1: Are you dipping in the company ink?
Co-worker #2: Nope, the ink was red.
4221 74 Avenue NW
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Home Depot worker: And so he says to me, "Are those metric inches?"
650 North 54th Street
Chandler, Arizona
4PM Sensitivity Seminar
VP: Are you pregnant?
Worker #1: No!
VP: I'm just asking because it seems like you get pregnant every two months.
Worker #2: Hey! You can't ask people if they are pregnant!
VP: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
2PM Schedule Beginner MSOffice Classes
Purchasing: Hey, can we print from Word?
Marketing: Ah...What?
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Follow Up with Building Maintenance
Employee #1: Why is it so cold in here?
Employee #2: Maybe it's the gigantic hole in the ceiling.
4770 Buford Highway
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM My. Head. Hurts.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Employee: I went out last night and I stayed out too late.
Boss: I am not sure if I should admire your honesty or if I should fire you for not having the courtesy to lie to me.
17 Battery Place
New York, NY
11AM Handle Employee Complaints
Boss: Why hasn't the mail come in yet?
HR: We have a new postal carrier and she hasn't come in yet.
Boss: Is she nice looking?
HR: Well, she's inconsistent. Sometimes she delivers at 2:30, sometimes it's 1:00.
Boss: What has that got to do with how she looks?
HR: It doesn't. Welcome to HR.
81 Apsley Street
Hudson, Massachusetts
9AM Monday Does Rhyme with Funday
Co-worker: Hey [Trish], can you come here a sec?
Office Manager: Yeah, where are you?
Co-worker: I'm in the closet.
155 6th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
2PM Follow Up with Sasquatch
Exec: Look, I don't care about the Weekly World News. All I want to know is how this affects the Bigfoot cover!
Star Magazine
1 Park Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is that pumpkin cream cheese?
Co-worker #2: I think so.
Co-worker #1: You mean you just blindly put that on your bagel?
Co-worker #2: What else would make it orange?
Co-worker #1: ...Um...orange?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, what else is orange but pumpkin?
225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Reboot Registers
Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
9AM Came In Early But I'm Staying Late
Manager: ...can you work a couple extra hours? [Nick]'s not coming in again.
Cook #1: Sure. Why ain't he coming in this time?
Manager: He's in the hospital.
Cook #2: Hospital? You can't get crack at a hospital.
Manager: Why does he keep going there, then?
33703 Woodward Avenue
Birmingham, Michigan
4PM Urgent Private Meeting
Employee: Why didn't anyone tell your boss he's wearing two shoes of different colors?
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: radiomaven
2PM Meet with Developers
Developer #1: It's obvious the code will work. You've coded, you can see it will work. You can see it will work, unless you're stupid.
Developer #2: You're not stupid, are you?
501 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: fmm
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How was your lunch?
Co-worker #2: It was okay. We had an old Greek waitress. I didn't care for her too much.
Co-worker #1: Was it the fact that she was old or Greek?
Co-worker #2: It was a combination. Greeks are a weird people.
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
11AM Call Maintenance...Again
Co-worker #1: It's so dry in here, I can feel the skin on my face drying up from the inside out.
Co-worker #2: Do you use moisturizer?
Co-worker #1: Oh yes, if I didn't my face would look just like my grandpa's...and he's been dead for seven years.
1301 West Chestnut Street
Virginia, Minnesota
9AM Darkest Before the Dawn
Boss: We will be taken off the internet. It is slowing down productivity.
5 minutes pass.
Worker #1: ...What will I do all day?
Worker #2: Work.
Worker #1: Ha, ha! Whatever.
3275 Steinway Street
Astoria, New York
12PM Get Those Scam Salescalls Blocked
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?...Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that... Here's the name written right here. It's F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U...Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Run Out and Get Prescription Filled
Pharmacist #1: Wow, this chair is really great! Whose chair is this?
Pharmacist #2: It belongs to [Dana]. Isn't it great? He got it for his back or something.
[Dana]: You have no idea how many people I had to sleep with to get that chair!
800 28th Street E
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM System is Acting Buggy
Staff: You have a second?
IT: Nope, completely out of stock on those.
200 Front Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Take Care of Jury Duty
Judge: So what does your wife do for a living?
Potential juror: Nothing.
Judge: She does nothing?
Potential juror: Nope.
Judge: Do you have kids?
Potential juror: Yes.
Judge: Yeah, she does "nothing".
265 East 161st Street
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: John
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Did you pass the bar?
Worker #2: Yeah, the salad bar.
Consultant: I don't eat salad.
Worker #2: That's why you passed it.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM That's a Wrap
Sales #1: Have you called any previous customers yet?
Sales #2: I've called customers till I'm blue in the ass.
973 Opelika Road
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: Rob Byrd
3PM Order Books
Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!
1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM I Swear They Live Here
CSR: Can you give me your daughter's measurements?
714 NE Hancock Street
Portland, Oregon
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
12PM QA
Co-worker #1: "...And so, if you're still working on the website, I just discovered a serious error using a Mac."...Who cares?
Co-worker #2: Seriously, you should write back and say, "Dude, why are you even using a Mac?"
111 West Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
10AM Company Reorientation
Vice Principal: Hey there, did you get my email?
Teacher: No, I didn't...
Vice Principal: Wow, and I sent it to both [Ed Hildick]s so you'd be sure to get it.
Teacher: Yeah...but my name is [Jeff].
901 Locust Street
Herndon, Virginia
2PM Install Sprinklers and Asbestos
Office Clerk #1: Have you noticed that there aren't any ceiling sprinklers in this entire building?
Office Clerk #2: Y'know, you're right. But there are smoke detectors.
Office Clerk #1: And those will certainly help put out the flames when we're trapped in our cubicles.
Supervisor: Well...maybe the sprinklers are above the false ceiling.
Employee #1: Oh...so when there is a fire the sprinklers will soak the ceiling tiles which will cause them to fall to the ground and smother the flames?
406 West 34th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
3PM Try Out New Espresso Machine
Office worker: Why does it say "lack of milk"? The whole fridge is full!
Translated from the Swedish.
Arstaangsvagen 21
Stockholm, Sweden
12PM Conference Call
Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don't, but I'm sure [Sarah] can show you.
W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Dude
11AM Schedule Conference Room for Next Week
Worker Bee: How many people do we have signed up so far?
Middle Manager: So far as have 35 RSTDs.
Worker Bee: Hmm, we should really stock up on more antibiotics.
1155 East 60th Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: eazy_e
9AM Back to "Work"
Office monkey #1: Wow, there's another hot chick walking into the building.
Office monkey #2: I know, how'd we get stuck on the floor with all the uggos?
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Kevin Requested New Monitor--Follow Up
CSR: I just took a look at the survey and noticed that at the very beginning it says "this survey is design". Shouldn't that say
"designed"?
IT: Probably...I cut and pasted.
CSR: Can it be changed?
IT: No, I etched that survey directly into your screen. To change it we would have to buy you a new monitor.
1 Woodland Hill Drive
Babson Park, Massachusetts
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Nurse #1: It's more important that we get rid of the dead things in the clinic.
Nurse #2: The smell's still there?
Nurse #3: Have you tried spraying the air with something?
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
2PM Don't Check Email
Computer jockey: What is fisting? And what do you think it means when a man is emailing you pictures of naked boys?
25 West 4th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Every time I see you you have Subway.
Co-worker #2: Yup, I get it every day.
Co-worker #1: What are you, Jared?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Go Through Resumes
Colleague: What happened to the woman who used to process requisitions? Her office looks deserted.
Secretary: She's gone.
Colleague: Is she going to be replaced?
Secretary: We don't replace people in this office; we just hire someone new.
1400 John R. Lynch Street
Jackson, Mississippi
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is cheesecake a cake or a pie?
Co-worker #2: Hmm...good question. I think it's pie, 'cause it's got a crust.
5900 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Afshin
12PM Prep for Big Meeting
Secretary #1: It looks nice, don't it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, "it looks nice, don't it?"...Doesn't it! I'm just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don't matter, sweetie.
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
11AM Call Maintenance
Employee: Why is the bathroom locked and has a sign saying "Out of Order"? What happened?
Manager: I think something's wrong with it.
Employee: Is anyone in there, I thought I heard someone?
Manager: You never know--but bathrooms are private so you shouldn't knock.
623 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Sensitivity Retraining
Co-worker #1: How was the event today?
Co-worker #2: Oh, it was good. The audience was mostly colored, but there were a few white people.
Co-worker #1: ...
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
12PM Personal Call
The boss is at his desk playing a video game when a co-worker approaches.
Co-worker: Do you mind if I step outside for a moment to make a personal call?
Boss: Can't it wait? We're not paying you to do nothing.
510 South 52nd Street
Tempe, Arizona
10AM Conference Call
Manager #1: So, do you have a hurricane there?
Manager #2: There is no hurricane in Atlanta at this time. It's way over near the Yucatan.
Manager #1: Oh. So will you get any of it?
Manager #2: It's like a thousand miles away. It's a little too soon to tell how much it will affect us at this point.
Manager #3: I heard that Wilma is the last name they have on the list.
Manager #1: Ha, ha! What will they do if another one comes? Start over?
Manager #2: They will use Greek letters.
Manager #1: Ha, ha, ha!
Manager #2: That wasn't a joke.
Manager #1: Oh. Ha, ha! So, the next one will be like Hurricane
"XVII" and then Hurricane "XVIII"? Ha, ha!
Manager #2: No. Those are Roman numerals.
5601 N. Lindero Canyon Road
Westlake Village, California
4PM Fortunately It's Over
VP: We're having quite an exciting day. Have you used the f-word
yet?
Staffer: Probably yes, quietly to myself.
15 Walnut Street
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
3PM Research Competitors
Co-worker on phone: What is TFC? Is it like KFC? What are they doing?Chicken?
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Doctor: Did you put the drugs in the drug room?
Nurse: No! I can't find where they are supposed to go. Every time I try and find the drugs in that room I want to kill somebody!
Doctor: Please don't. We shouldn't be killing any more patients anyway.
250 West Bridge Street
Dublin, Ohio
2PM Seminar--Mandatory!
Speaker: What was the craziest thing you've ever done?
Attendee: Jumped off a bridge into a river in Fiji.
Speaker: Why'd you do that?
Attendee: 'Cause Tony Robbins told me to.
481 8th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Unpack Things
Co-worker #1: Are the movers coming?
Co-worker #2: You might want to shut down your computer and gather you things so they can bring in your desk.
Co-worker #1: What time will they be here?
Co-worker #2: Noon. So you've got some time.
Co-worker #1: It's 12:45!
Co-worker #2: Oh my gosh! I've got to start wearing a watch.
Co-worker #1: Why don't you?
Co-worker #2: They give me rashes.
5203 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
11AM Interview
Corporate peon #1: I was nervous during the interview. More than normal for some reason. He asked too many damn questions.
Corporate peon #2: Hard questions?
Corporate peon #1: Not hard. Just required detailed answers. I don't like the "what do you bring to the table" question.
Corporate peon #2: "I bring diligence and a positive attitude, I'm proactive and can get the job done on my own or with a group."
Corporate peon #1: I bring sexiness.
11601 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Update Insurance Data
Co-worker on phone: I just called to see if you were still pregnant.
30 South 17th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM "Meeting"
Office worker: Is this the meeting or the meeting about the meeting?
8687 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, California
12PM Call Building Maintenance
Coordinator: Is it like really hot in here, or am I having early menopause?
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Sports editor: I think you need to apologize for that.
Opinion editor: Okay, but you need to meet me halfway. I'm sorry for hitting you, but you need to apologize for existing.
5211 Old Charlotte Highway
Monroe, North Carolina
2PM Douche Presentation
Client: May I ask you a question?
Patent Agent: Uh, sure.
Client: I'd like your opinion on my [douche] invention as an engineer and as a woman.
508 Riverbend Drive
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Cigarette Break
Girl #1: You're from Utah?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Do they make you, like, wear bonnets there?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: No.
1000 Longfellow Blvd
Lakeland, Florida
Overheard by: Denise
12PM Dry Out Printer
Co-worker #1: How do I make this print faster?
Co-worker #2: Put water on it.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Selaf Nek
2PM Update Customer Database
Co-worker: If someone is from Puerto Rico, do you say that they're Mexican? Or Hispanic?
150 East 55th Street
New York, NY
10AM Order Supplies
Co-worker: Does anyone have a tissue?
Boss: I have a notepad.
1600 Technology Way
Latrobe, Pennsylvania