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Possible Sexual Harassment All Categories > Topics > Possible Sexual Harassment
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11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside
Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?
1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri
10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
3PM His Wife Gets All the Good Lines in Their Home Videos
Coworker #1: It's Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick!
Coworker #2: Wow. What are you having for lunch?
Coworker #1: What? Ew, no! I was quoting a movie!
Coworker #2: Sure you were.
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
3PM After the Rohypnol Kicks In.
Graphic design girl: How do you lick that off someone's boob?
Parsippany, New Jersey
10AM Um, Is That How It Works?
VP: I just completed sexual harassment training! Who's gonna be my first victim?
Assistant: Me!
1 Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM The Kind of Art Installation My Grandma Would Call "Unsavory"
Project manager: So, did you get it erected?
Yard coordinator: Yeah, the bed jumped off the platform during the release.
Project manager: Well, at least the piece was solid this time. I take it the vibrators worked better?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Love my job
11AM But Either Way, Really
Coworker #1: Do you want to meet in your cube, or should we get a room or something?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure I like how you phrased that...
290 Concord Road
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heard everything
10AM Doesn't Take Much to Offend People in Ohio
Female tech worker #1: I need muffins.
Male tech worker: I've got muffins.
Female tech worker #2: I bet you can have some of [male tech worker]'s muffins.
Female tech worker #3: All together now...
Male and females #2 and #3: Dirrrty!
5990 West Creek Road
Independence, Ohio
Overheard by: Geek Times Infinity
10AM Though I'm Not Sure Why We Need Giant Paperclips
Female peon: Personally, I can handle four inches without a problem. Doesn't bother me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM Would "Macadamia Melee" Have Sounded Less Creepy?
Minion #1: Oh, yeah, I try not to go shopping during the holidays.
Minion #2: You can't avoid it -- the music, the squealing children, everything -- it's like a peppermint orgy.
Assistant, startled: Uh, what?
12th and Peachtree
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Say what?
5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More
Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Mhlanguli
5PM Wait -- What?
Worker bee: Did somebody clean over here?
Manager: Yeah. Remember that day you took a picture of my butt?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM ... Greg.
Shouting man on cell: Titty-fucking is sex, honey! You promised!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
10AM It's All the Asparagus I Eat
Cube rat #1: You want a squirt of this stuff?
Cube rat #2: Sure, I'd like a squirt of your stuff.
Cube rat #1: I just love the ways this stuff smells.
Cube rat #2: And it feels great, also!
Slokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?
CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: oops
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Of Course, Now I'll Have to Sue Him
CSR: Stan* filled my pipeline with so much hardware it made my whole third quarter.
Hilton Head, South Carolina
3PM Like This Conversation?
Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.
150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."
Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: I have a face too
11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description
Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.
498 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I care
4PM Sure Thing, Tammy.
Waiter #1, pointing: Tammy's* either gettin' a poochy belly, or she needs to trim that beaver.
Waiter #2: It's beaver. I fucked her last month, after her sister died, and I thought I was suddenly in a '70s porno.
Manager: You guys need to go find something to clean.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM All I Meant Was You Seem to Need a Lot of Stimulation... Dammit!
Male manager to female assistant carrying two cups of coffee: Double fisting? ... Wow, sorry. I'm sorry.
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emily
2PM Gold and Sparkly? Really?
Boss: Ah, you're wearing a tie-dyed shirt.
Office girl: Isn't it nice?
Boss: Yeah. Hey, doesn't that circle remind you of Jake's* asshole?
Office girl: Wait, what?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Younger Workers May Arrive in Your Office with No Discernible Social Skills
Peon: Yeah, that would be a total chick magnet. Just say, 'Hey, you wanna come and, uh, meet my manatee?'
1100 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
9AM Wait! What Kind of Razor Do You Think She Uses?
Creepy waiter: The new girl's pants sure are tight.
Mousy waitress: Yeah.
Creepy waiter: You can tell she shaves her biscuit. [Mousy waitress blinks, quickly puts on long apron, and walks away.]
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM Judi Dench Fan-Fic Has a Small but Devoted Following
Engineer #1, about coworker's new implants: Dude, I know! She is totally shaped like a cartoon!
Engineer #2: I would really like to get in there and... motorboat, motorboat, motorboat!
Highway 78
Ladson, South Carolina
10AM The DVD Is Selling Very Well
Nurse to another nurse: So that's how you get all those huge objects in your happy hole!
1600 SW Archer Road
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: SuperClerk
5PM It's Been a Full Day All Around
Office grunt slamming down phone: I get an empty meal slot filled and you jizz all over me!
Columbus Circle
New York, New York
Overheard by: Standing Aside
10AM And They Need Hard Numbers
Manager: I just want to know -- what is the penetration of 12 to 17-year-old girls?
Analyst: I'm not sure we want to show that...
Manager: They need to know how many 12 to 17-year-olds have been penetrated!
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
9AM Why All Service Industries Should Have Customer Ejector Buttons
Creepster customer: You working hard?
Cute cashier: Yes, sir!
Creepster customer: Well, if you follow me out back, I could find a few ways to work you harder.
Cute cashier: No, thank you, sir.
Creepster customer: Alright, cutie, don't say I never tried to give you anything [pays and leaves].
Cute cashier, dropping the perky act: What a fucking asshole! I hope his dick get an infection and falls off. [New customer walks up, and cute cashier resumes perky act] How are you doing?!
Grocery store
Farmville, North Carolina
2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.
1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Kirsten
10AM I Had to Do Something While the Stereo Was Being Installed
Mousy waitress: Did it take you long to put it in?
Timid waiter: Like an hour.
Brassy waitress, walking up: We talkin' 'bout the big stereo in your car or your big wang in a skeezer's ass?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM Oh, Shut Up and Put Your Shirt on
Office guy: Have you been working out?
Intern: Uh, yeah, why?
Office guy: I can tell [walks away].
Intern, to another: Was he just hitting on me?
Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
12PM Same Old Story: Boy Meets Girl, Nobody Knows What to Do Next
Mechanic: You smell like sex.
Female coworker: You mean I smell like you want to have sex with me? Or I smell like I just had sex? 'Cause... 'Cause there's a big difference.
Mechanic: Oh, the first one. You smell like I want to have sex with you.
Female coworker: Oh. I want to have sex with you, too.
Mechanic: [Silence.]
Female coworker: ... I mean, you smell. [Walks away with confused look on her face.]
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: He did kind of smell ... like sex.
10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen
Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cubicle across the hall
9AM And Whistle While I Work
Worker #1: She is too hot.
Worker #2: Do you want to touch her where she wees?
Worker #3: I want to touch her while she wees.
Norwich
England
9AM A Nice One -- Not Too Expensive
Coworker #1: Congrats on your bush transplant!
Coworker #2: Thanks!
Coworker #3, overhearing: Uh, yeah, congrats on your bush transplant. I didn't know that was a procedure. Was it medically necessary?
Coworker #2 to #1: You should have said 'shrubbery' instead!
Austin, Texas
4PM Superhero Transparent Man Has Problems in the Workplace
Male coworker on phone with female worker: Did you get your areolas clean yet? No! Sorry! I meant did you get your area clean? I was going to offer you some Lysol!
West Sam Houston Parkway
Houston, Texas
2PM And Where Else Would We Store Our Hash?
Male cop: Just so you know, no matter what she said, I was not trying to play with her boobs. I was just trying to throw something down in there... You can ask Susan* -- she was there.
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: uh... didn't need to know that
9AM The Judge Now Talks through a Hand Puppet
Attorney to secretary: You should be excited! There are no penises this time!
Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Walking In At The Wrong Time
2PM Mind If I Watch You Work?
Manager: Hey, you got a sec?
Developer: What's up?
Manager: I'm trying to figure out how much to charge the client for that new feature. How hard would it be for you to add it?
Developer, smirking: I can do it in 10 minutes... with my dick.
Manager: Sooo... about five hundred bucks then.
543 Richmond Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing new guy
1PM Every Office Has Its Own Oral History
Office tech, fiddling with printer: I'm still getting that sensor dustiness error.
Office bimbette: Oh! I know how to fix that! You have to open it up and blow. Just give it a good blow and then it's fine!
922 3rd Street
Sedro-Wolley, Washington
Overheard by: T-Rex
5PM The Shareholders Are Rolling Over and Falling Asleep
President of the board: Okay, what else do we have to go over? Are we finished here?
Boss: Yes, I think we've shot our wad.
Washington, DC
4PM What Do You Mean by "Try"?
CSR: Would you like to try it in your mouth?
4700 River Road
Riverdale, Maryland
3PM It's Hard to Believe This Joke Is Still Funny at a Pizza Place
Customer: Is my pizza ready?
Cashier, yelling: Hey! Is this guy's 12-inch out yet?
Manager, laughing: Did you just say that?!
Cashier, blushing: Oh! Oh my god!
Fort Hood, Texas
Overheard by: can I get one of those?
5PM Because I Borrowed It
Secretary to lawyer: Was that your condom they found on the second floor of the parking garage?
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM But You're Certainly Correct about Her Gargantuan Gazongas
Male intern, about passing coworker: Wow... Those were some tremendous titties.
Female manager: Okay, so you know I'm your manager, right? You probably shouldn't say 'titties' to me.
Plymouth, Michigan
9AM I Wouldn't Wait, If I Were You
Loud lady peon: Hey, Sheryl*, whenever you want to come over here and smell me, go ahead!
Fairchild Court
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: Tina
5PM Now Eat My Hot Canadian Bacon! Eat It!
Boss to customer: Would you like to try my meat? It tastes just like maple! Ask anyone -- they all tried it!
Lee, New Hampshire
10AM Um, Isn't That Why Bob Left in the First Place?
Woman #1: The classified logo scripts aren't working.
Woman #2: Bob* is working on them, but he's going on vacation tomorrow so the scripts won't be done until September.
Woman #1: September?!
Woman #2: Yeah, well, you can have IT work on it, but then who knows how long it'll be before they get around to doing it.
Woman #1: Think they'd do it faster if I showed them my boobs?
1111 West Bonanza Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM But I Guess It's Not Like Anyone's Listening
Child welfare worker on cell: I won't be over at my client's place long. I just need to go there real quick and see her child naked... Maybe I shouldn't say this in the middle of a mall.
Woodland Hills Mall
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Bob
3PM Not Your Grandmother's CPR
Medical dispatcher giving CPR instructions: Now straddle his lips with your hips...
San Jose, California
Overheard by: firechick
10AM Reader Poll: Is She?
Female cube dweller #1: I just got a massage for the first time.
Female cube dweller #2: How was it?
Female cube dweller #1: Girl, it was amazing. He had me get naked and even gave me a complimentary breast massage.
Male cube dweller: Wait... Wait... I don't think he was supposed to do that.
Female cube dweller #1: Really? I don't see why not... Really? Shit, I didn't know that.
Male cube dweller: Yeah, he violated you. You can report him and he can lose his license for doing something like that.
Female cube dweller #1: Well, I don't care -- he was fine anyway. I'll probably call him for another one.
Male cube dweller: You're an idiot!
1455 Chancellor Drive
Orlando, Florida
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
3PM That Goes Double for You, Bob
Manager: Okay, bitches. At this beach party I want y'all to take care of business down South. I don't want no hairy pussy to attack me while I'm tanning. [All female coworkers nod and walk away.]
Fulton Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: coworker
9AM So Do I Have the Job or What?
60-year-old coworker: I wanna go in the back door.
Supervisor: Okay...
60-year-old coworker: I really like going in back doors.
801 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Porter
4PM Worst. Porno. Ever.
Female phlebotomist to male patient: I hope this is a size 25 needle. [Sticks him] Oh, no! This is a size 22 needle -- it's too small. Blood is rushing into the vein, see? It's blowing up. I'm blowing you! ... Oh my god, I don't mean that!
Medical center
Medford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Dr. Fred
2PM Come into My Office and I'll Show You Some Photos
Boss lady: I just don't think thong underwear is that attractive. I mean, maybe if you're 12 years old and tight...
Assistant: I don't think a 12-year-old in thong underwear is attractive.
Boss lady: Well, when you're 12, you're tight.
Burbank, California
10AM Oh! Oh! Stuff My Envelope!
Male to female coworkers: Do you want to have an insertion party? I mean, do you need some help?
1000 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
4PM And We Can Sit around on Our Assets
Male legal assistant: Sean*, all we need is vaginas.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Confused Coworker
2PM I Was Aiming for Your Crotch
Male peon: I didn't want to grab your... area.
Sierra College Boulevard
Rocklin, California
10AM Would You Just Give It a Feel?
Mexican worker: Does my banana look sick to you?
Coworker: I am not looking over there.
306 Oak Court
Beavercreek, Ohio
12PM You Know That's Only Allowed on Casual Fridays
IT tech #1: What are you doing over there?
IT tech #2: We're blowing people.
Waterview Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Dont_want_to_know
12PM Just Look at These Blisters!
Director of tech support, in heavy French accent: Busy week, yes. I have had to beat off many clients.
Tech dude: Wait, what?
Director: Oh, yeah. At least 30.
Tech support conference call
California
4PM Is This Gonna Get Me Fired?
Female worker to another: I was gonna show you something. You wanna go to the ladies' room?
Seneca Street
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: MonkeyPantaloons
3PM In and Out of the Side Pockets
Boss: He can work the balls so nicely. In both directions.
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM Sounds Like It's Gonna Be Some PTA Meeting
Agent on phone: Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrington*. I just wanted to remind you to purchase a very snug belt before July 20th because you will get your pants rocked off.
6000 East Camelback Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Better Ask Somebody Your Own Age, Kiddo
Six-year-old girl at front desk: Do I look sexy?
1 Main Street
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: Switters
3PM It Won't Get Out of Bed for Less Than 10 Thousand
Employee on phone: You couldn't pay your dick three thousand dollars to work!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: jen
2PM Well, for One Thing, They Aren't There
Peon calling supervisor about note from employee: Did you check your pants today?
Production supervisor: What kind of question is that?
Madison, Wisconsin
12PM Thanks to a Good Divorce Lawyer
Female grunt #1 looking around: Ramone* has them.
Female grunt #2, holding plastic jacks in hand: Has what?
Female grunt #1: My balls. Ramone has my balls.
19th Street and Deer Valley Road
Arizona
9AM ... I'll Bring Booze and the Necessary Plug-Ins
Female designer: If you show up, you can watch me use your hard drive.
IT guy: Ummm...
44 Canal Center Plaza
Alexandria, Virginia
2PM Oh, Yeah, You Gotta Keep Your Pool Clean
Receptionist #1: You know, I need a big, magic tool. One that doesn't take batteries.
Receptionist #2: Hahaha!
Receptionist #1: For my pool! To clean my pool... Get your mind out of the gutter...
Receptionist #2: [Still snickering.]
State Street
Augusta, Maine
Overheard by: broken girl
10AM Think I Just PDA'd Myself
Editor to coworker whose loud text alert goes off in meeting: Matt*, when your crotch cries out, we all stop and take notice.
Bay Avenue
Stafford, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
9AM Thank Goodness for Prosthetic Backbones
Secretary: Did Taryn* come back from the doctor's?
Chart drone: Yeah, she said the doctor put a stiffener in her.
Secretary: Good, that will help her.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: phoenix, best analyst ever
5PM I Always Fall for That One
ER nurse #1: No, she wouldn't let us. I've been trying for 20 minutes.
ER doctor: Well, then she needs to understand that we can't establish the assault if we can't get to the evidence.
ER nurse #1: I don't think she cares. I mean, she wanted me to smell her underwear!
ER nurse #2: What? Did you?
ER nurse #1: Yeah. It didn't help.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
2PM Sorry, It Was Damaged in Transit
FedEx man: There are a lot of you women hanging around the front desk today.
Vet tech: We're all just waiting to fight over your package.
99th Street and Leavenworth Road
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Christina
12PM Without Warning, My Metaphor Turned on Me
Peon on phone: No, no, I believe that you sent it. I just didn't receive it. I even told Jen* that you wouldn't drop the ball. You are on the ball. You are on balls I haven't even seen yet.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: OMG
10AM Popcorn Kernels (You Pervs)
IT help desk: Mine are nothing like yours. Yours get so fluffy when I put them in my mouth.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
12PM I'd Be Like, "Order Up!"
Straight server: The new chef looks like Philip Michael Thomas.
Queer server: Oooh! I'd fuck him with his chef hat on!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
10AM Fraternizing Is Wrong, but I Just Can't Help Myself
Lieutenant: I can't wait to get my hands on your package and give it a good scrubbing.
Oak Harbor, Washington
9AM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Secretary: What I'd give for an eight-year-old vagina again...
Orange County, California
2PM Help Yourself to a Sandwich While You're Down There
Receptionist on phone: Look under my dress. There should be paper and a pen.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Liz
2PM Some PAC Money and We're on Our Way
Supervisor on phone: Yeah, it usually takes about, I don't know, three or four days to get the good whores, and then...
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Our Spy Was Mistaken. These Were Actually Congressmen
Maintenance man #1: Oooh, my date last night had some fine titties.
Maintenance man #2: Yes siree, when we hooked up I loved me some of them.
Maintenance man #3: I've seen better than hers. [Gesturing to passerby] Look at those. But I guess I'd have to see them naked to really compare.
Office building, House of Representatives
Washington, DC
3PM For a Dollar, All You're Getting Is an Estimate
Shipping guy: How much handling can you get for a dollar?
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Shannon
2PM How'd This Get in Here?
Manager to self, while cleaning store's sign: Scrubbing the N, I'm scrubbing the N... Cleaning a T, I clean the T, that's right... Scrubbing the A, I'm scrubbing the A... [Reaches through the center hole of the A.] Scrubbing the A-hole, cleaning out the A-hole... Wait...
Valley View Mall
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Amused newbie
3PM Uncle Walter, for Shame!
Cube rat on phone: Yeah, last year I did about 75 kids, and I'm hoping to do more this year.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
5PM Another Conquest for Gerald
Cute intern reading UPS package label: Hey, Gerald*, you got a big package!
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: fatty
11AM Listen, Lucy, with Your Body Fat, It Was Totally Improper
HR peon in charge of sexual harassment issues: Lucy*, it's so good to see you! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!
Lucy: I just want everyone within earshot to know that she's talking about seeing me at the gym, and not in any improper activity!
4850 Mark Center Drive
Alexandria, Virginia
5PM Oh, I Try to Keep My Hand In
Photographer: Okay, I took pictures of the reigning Woody the Woodchuck and the two that are aiming to replace her when she retires. Can you tell the current one?
Designer, staring intently: This one?
Photographer: Wow, good job! You know your Woodys!
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beesley
4PM How to Come Out to Your Parents in One Easy Step
Little boy to mom: You know what I like to suck?
Clothing store, Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ohgodmustn'tsayanything
12PM ... The Filly's Skedaddled
Cube rat: Well, yeah, but by the time I get my chaps on... You know...
5700 Thurston Avenue
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: never wanna see that
9AM You Know the Feeling When You Lean Back Too Far in Your Chair?
Boss: I'm trying to figure out how to explain this in terms that you can understand.
Jane*: I think I get what you're trying to say.
Male peon #1: I think I also understand what you're trying to say.
Male peon #2: Me, too.
Boss: Let me put it this way: let's all imagine that Jane is at the OB/GYN...
Response Road
Sacramento, California
5PM Why Larry Got the Shaft
Branch manager looking for small, hand-held calculator: I need one of those hand jobs in the lobby.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
2PM My Way of Getting to Third Base
Coworker #1: Snogging is heavily kissing... Not getting to third base.
Coworker #2: Oh. I thought snogging was a kind of drink.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle
5PM Why Barry Got the Freudian Pink-Slip
Peon: Uh, Jim*, do you have anywhere I can put a floppy dick? ... Uh... Disk?
Jim: Niiice.
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: defragment my hard-drive
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
10AM Isn't Everyone's?
Photographer: Are you saying my cock is funny?
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
2PM I Refuse to Look and I Refuse to Say
Female coworker to male coworker: Do these pants make me look like I have a penis?
Lisbon Street
Lewiston, Maine
2PM ...Which, Thanks to Lawrence V. Texas, I Can Finally Come Out and Say
Female engineer: I need to hear some boy bands.
Male coworker: Like 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Backdoor Boys.
Female engineer: I love back-door boys.
Airport Rd
Mansfield Texas
11AM Chinese Hamster Gynecologists?
Minion: Do you seriously want to go off on a Chinese hamster ovary tangent? I mean, who gives a crap?
1959 NE Pacific Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: snickerpants
4PM Can We Rinse Our Minds before Continuing This?
Elevator girl: I rode in the weenie mobile last night!
Elevator guy: Is that a euphemism?
Elevator girl: No! He really came! Oh...
Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
3PM I Think You'll Like the Results
Boss : What is that red thing on top of a rooster's head called? I can't find a description anywhere on the Internet.
Employee: Just Google 'cock' and 'diagram.'
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Sailorette
2PM It Bubbled a Little and Then Burned
Business architect: I felt the difference once it was in my mouth!
120 Fairview Park
Virginia
1PM All We Asked Was, "How Was Your Weekend?"
Female worker: I'm serious, I don't like to put things in my mouth that might squirt out! I mean--
Stunned coworker, interrupting: --No, you've probably said enough.
Female worker: I'm talking about the doughnut.
121 Zeeb Road
Ann Arbor, Michigan
2PM But the Day Is Young
Female supervisor: Hey, Stan*, you got a stiffy today?
Office worker with pained expression: Uh... I've just got a sore neck.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
10AM I Regret Nothing
Worker bee #1: Is that a PlayStation Three?
Worker bee #2: Yeah.
Worker bee #1: Those are hard to come by. I bet you had to beat off a lot of guys in the store to get that one.
Worker bee #2: [Silence.]
150 Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia
3PM That Means It's Working
Manager: Just put it in your mouth and suck on it.
Associate: But I don't want to get sick... What will happen? [Long, awkward pause] It's burning my tongue.
East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Champagnegurl
9AM Your Ideas All Have Two Tails and Misshapen Heads
Male coworker: It's like the client is the ovum -- no... No... Yes, the ovum. And my ideas are the sperm and the boss is the scrotum and the creative department is the shaft and my sperm keep on trying to get in the egg -- they try and they try -- and some of them are strong and good swimmers and some are, like, dormant--
Female coworker, interrupting: --Stop.
Ad agency
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dr Phyllis
2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft
Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.
22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily G
11AM I Won't Even Sleep with a Man Who's Had Braces
Grad student: I'm just incapable of mounting anything remotely straight.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
9AM And I'm Going to Be Completely Rigid about This
Old maid boss: Do you have a boner over there?
Young male worker, confused: I'm sorry, what?
Old maid boss: A boner. For folding paper [holds up knife]. Do you have one?
Young male worker: How can you seriously be calling it that? I know you know what that means.
Old maid boss: No, I know you need one if you don't have one. I'll get another one.
Young male worker: I know you know what that means. I know you know what that means. I don't want anything to do with it.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
12PM Very '80s
Worker #1: Wow, that's a large bush, Pat*.
Worker #2: Yeah...
Worker #1: I mean, it's nice! Do you think it's large?
Worker #2: A little, but I like it.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
5PM In the Crisper, behind the Lettuce
Female boss: We need to add more scrotum!
Male designer: ... Are you serious?
Female boss: Yeah, apparently we're missing a few.
Male designer: Got it. Where's the scrotum?
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: The Other Designer
4PM In Fact, That's Our Firm's Three-Prong Test for Fun
Attorney to another: You are always a lot of fun when your dress ends up around your waist. Or your head. Or your feet.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Amanda
2PM Really? That Much, Huh?
Boss on phone with client: So, what's been going on? In a new company? You spreading your legs and taking it all in?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: only female in the office
2PM Massive -- Why?
Purchaser on phone: No, no, the price is fine. I'm just a little concerned about the thickness of the shaft... How exactly is it lubricated? ... Well, yeah, with that kind of thickness you are talking major lubrication...
Manufacturing company offices
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Salty
12PM Or One Person, for Seven and a Half Hours
Client: I just want to touch a hundred and fifty people a day for three minutes.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 1 or 2 at a time?
9AM If You Want Something Done, Straddle a Busy Person
Boss: She straddles a lot of balls in the air. She has the energy to straddle all of these balls.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM No One Keeps Secrets from Accounts Receivable
A/R girl: Your crotch is all done.
Billing: Okay, thanks. Now I can walk around and not worry about indecency.
A/R girl: Yeah. So if it comes apart again just bring it back in and I'll stitch your crotch back together.
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: medieval much?
3PM Like Its Namesake
Editor: Did he use the word 'genitalia' at all?
Older editor: Or 'goodies'?
20-something female reporter: It's such a Latin-sounding word.
Older editor: I know, 'goodies' really is.
20-something female reporter: Genitalia. It's such a beautiful word. It just rolls right off the tongue.
Newsroom, Main Street
Cortland, New York
Overheard by: Quietly Working at My Desk
10AM The Interns? I Think a Lot More
Worker bee: How many more times are you going to touch those?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?
Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?
330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM If Those Are the Choices
Forklift driver: I need to reload this overweight [truck]. Do I need to unload the ass to put these two in the belly, or should I just throw them on?
Supervisor: Really, I would prefer them in the ass.
Iowa
9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits
Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM So How about Dinner on Friday?
Sales manager: My husband and I used that new KY warming gel last night, and I thought of you.
Female sales assistant: Ummm, could you please not think of me while you're having sex?
Sales manager: No, what I mean is...
Female sales assistant: No. Please, just stop.
Brentwood, Tennessee
Overheard by: sex object
1PM See, There's Another Great Thing about Western Values
Abs instructor pointing out muscle groups: That's the great thing about being the instructor -- you get to touch.
Army base
Iraq
Overheard by: The Touched
12PM Lest My Hostile Work Environment Leak Out
Sleazy office manager: She's got it going on! I'd fuck the shit out of her in a heartbeat! Oops, I should probably close the door.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Like Me, the Audience Would Be Small, but Devoted
Desk jockey #1: Do you ever think you might be the star of your own Truman show?
Desk jockey #2: Man, that would be a show with a lot of wanking!
Munster Road
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Marshall
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Hence the Need for Continuing Education
Nurse exiting patient's room: I can't find my vagina.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: chippy
4PM I Shave First, of Course
Boss: I hate rubbing my hands on that while I'm banging away, so I cover all of the crevices with tape.
Portland, Oregon
1PM Well, My Body Has Pen Pals
Korean teacher: Do you have a boyfriend?
English teacher: No.
Korean teacher: Don't you get lonely?
English teacher: Not really.
Korean teacher: Doesn't your... body get lonely?
English teacher: Did you really just say that?
Korean teacher: I'm not sexually harassing you! My English just isn't good!
Sacheon
South Korea
5PM I'm Not Falling for That Again
Male coworker wearing striped shirt: Hey, nice shirt -- we match!
Female coworker: Oh, yeah, we do.
Male coworker: We could do a dance or something. We already have matching costumes.
Female coworker: Or we could strip!
Male coworker: [Laughs nervously and walks away.]
Massachusetts
11AM The Thin Line between Clean and Dirty
Italian musician in broken English: Excuse... Can you... wash... my instrument?
Agent: What?
Italian roadie: He wants to know if you have a cloth to clean his instrument.
Agent: Oh. Oh. Okay. God, I almost just smacked him!
Italian musician: Wash my instrument now?
Vienna
Austria
3PM Oh, I Don't Mind...
Secretary #1: Oh! Um...
Secretary #2: Don't mind me -- I'm just fiddling in your drawers.
Solicitor's office
Lincolnshire
United Kingdom
2PM If You Wanted to Know If I Found You Attractive, Bob, All You Had to Do Was Ask.
Receptionist: Thank you for calling ABC Company*. How may I assist you?
Caller: Is Bob*, Tom*, or Larry* available?
Receptionist: Yes, sir, all three are available. Do you have a preference?
Caller: Sexual?
Receptionist: [Long, awkward silence.] No, sir, I meant do you have a preference for who you'd like to speak to?
Caller: Um... Just pick whoever's cutest and makes more money.
Receptionist: Ummm... Okay... It's a pleasure to connect you...
16th Street and L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
10AM Six Years of Marriage Only Earns You So Much Trust
Lady: Hey, Derek*, will you let me paint your toenails?
Man: Will you give me a blowjob?
Lady: ... Sure.
Man: Do the blowjob first.
3301 North Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: what office is this?
1PM Joe Tautology Bares His Soul
Rich drunk guy: It's more fun to inseminate someone than have your wife inseminated.
5200 State Line Road
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM He's an Arkansas Leg Hound -- Best to Let Him Finish
Camera assistant: Your dog's getting drunk off my pants.
Culver City, California
1PM But I Went Hellfire Missile and I Never Looked Back
Voluptuous coworker to two male coworkers: ... But this Air Force doctor took it and shoved it up there and, let me tell you, it was large.
Lunch room, Environmental company
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
10AM They All Went Red on the Same Day
Peon #1: Greenfield Community College has gone communist -- they're doing Vagina Monologues.
Peon #2: Don't get me started on Greenfield's vaginas.
University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
4PM I Do Eat a Lot of Chicken. Why?
German engineer: Yeah, it's a backdoor thing, and I got him right in the morning.
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
Overheard by: E40
2PM The Photographs Didn't Give Me Much Choice on That First One
Coworker in middle of parking lot, screaming into cell: You can admit to having your dick in my ass, but you can't admit to that bitch you love me?! You bastard!
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM But Unfortunately, I Can't Cross the Street on My Own Yet
Bus boy #1: I went to the new hostess's MySpace page.
Bus boy #2: The little mousey girl?
Bus boy #1: Turns out she's bi. Got a picture on there of her getting nailed from behind by another chick with a strap-on.
Bus boy #2: God, if my mom would let me, I would marry her!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM I Hate "Bring Your Lion to Work Day"
Peon: Wow! I wouldn't sit on that even if its mouth was taped shut.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM We'll Be Putting You in the Remedial Section, George
Male worker on way to LGBT conference: I can't believe we have to go learn about butch dykes -- I think I know a lesbo when I see one.
Female worker: You should be careful what you say around here.
Male worker: Don't get mad at me just because you've had a raspberry mustache one too many times.
Female worker: excuse me?
Male worker: Don't lie -- I know you've been down river when the dam broke.
Female worker: Uh...
52 South Main Street
Fall River, Massachusetts
Overheard by: bobby
9AM Probably Time to Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee
Drone #1: It's a different texture.
Drone #2: It's hard. I'll suck.
Austin, Texas
4PM I Should Be in the Ladies' Room Getting Ready for My Date with the CEO
Loud lady on cell: [Supervisor] called this morning to see if I was coming in. What does he care? I had a meeting this morning with him and Sam*. What were they going to do, ask me why I haven't been performing well? Did they want me to say I've asked to be transferred more than once because I've been sleeping with my supervisor and he won't stop harassing me? You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this right in front of my office.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Justtryingtohaveacigarette
10AM Geez, I'm Getting All Stressed Here
Over-zealous professor talking about tribal genital mutilation: ... So the viewers experienced more stress when they watched the people getting their genitals whacked off! They got whacked off!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
4PM And Type with the Other Hand
Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing.
New York, New York
Overheard by: i LOVE my job
11AM What I Can See Is Beige
Man: What color is your interior?
Lady: Excuse me?
Man: Uh, uh... Uh... of your car.
Lady: Ohhh.
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: it's NOT all pink on the inside, i guess
12PM When It's Done, the Spine Will Be Tingling
VP: The publishing of the book will take a long time because it requires a hand job.
Bethesda, Maryland
10AM That Was a Hint, Brainiac
Coworker: Here you go, sir. Enjoy the show!
Drunk customer, after buying Justin Timberlake tickets: Oh, these aren't for me, but I'll enjoy the head I'm getting for buying these tickets.
Ticket Center, Willowbrook Mall
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad he didn't come to my window
11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work
Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.
666 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office
3PM 'Cause of Admission'
Patient looking at insurance form: Where this says 'Relation to patient,' what do I put?
Insurance employee: You can put 'Husband,' 'Spouse'... 'Love slave.'
6721 Lake Harbour Drive
Midlothian, Virginia
Overheard by: Pip
11AM Or at Least According to My Dramatic Reconstruction of the Evening
Hung-over guy on cell: I'm telling you, I didn't rape her! She said we could have sex, right before she passed out.
On way to class
Virginia
Overheard by: I wanted to follow him and keep listening
1PM It's the Enemy of Eye-Hand Coordination
Designer: Hey, I'm photoshopping -- no spanking!
West 5th Avenue
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: designgrl
12PM Why Are You Looking at Me Like That?
Male boss to female employee: The best way to learn is on your knees. That way they don't fall as far if you drop them.
Orlando, Florida
4PM Men Have a Gift for Compartmentalizing Information
Janitor #1: Daaamn man, I feel you!
Janitor #2: Yeah, man, but then there was that other thing...
Janitor #1: What you talkin' 'bout, man? She's fucking hot!
Janitor #2: The whole gang-rape thing. Dunno 'bout that.
Janitor #1: ... Oh.
Main Breezeway, Johns Hopkins Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: just another med student
3PM That Requires Dinner, a Certain Charm, and All the Steps on This Process Map
Managing director handing envelope to secretary: Do you have a wet thing?
17 State Street
New York, New York
10AM The Wind in Willow
Tall lady: This wind is blowing up in my vagina!
Suit: I thought I heard something.
Taylor Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: stan
4PM It's an Executive Privilege
Boss: I think it's time for a sodey!
Coworker: What, like, mix it yourself?
Boss: Yup! I'm going to jerk it right here at my desk!
Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: talking-to-hr-about-moving-my-desk
2PM It's an Old Alaskan Prostitute Adage
Coworker #1: Man, it's cold in this room.
Coworker #2, pointing to thermostat: If you're cold, blow on that.
Coworker #1: What's that going to do for me? [Pause.] If it will make me warm, I'll blow anything.
Broad Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Coworker #3
9AM Bringing the Grand Total to Three
Young, blonde female: Um, wow, I just cracked my spine and grew, like, an inch.
Male supervisor: Yeah, I just grew, like, an inch watching you.
3rd Street and Colorado Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Miss Informed
12PM They Decided to Go Dutch and Think about Sex with Other People
Male coworker: Hey, Liz*, let's go to the movies tonight.
Female coworker: Are you gonna pay?
Male coworker: Are you gonna put out?
277 Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM I Guess He Knew One before We Were Together
Trainee: My boyfriend likes this perfume. He says it smells like the inside of a clean woman.
Training class, Cosmetic company
California
4PM Then Cancel Her?
Female coworker: She's so adorable it makes me want to lick her stamps.
Wausau, Wisconsin
3PM Then My Work Here Is Done
Boss talking about movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: And he sees the body out of the corner of his eye just when you're thinking that, and he turns and pees on it...
Female cube rat: We just had a seminar on our sexual harassment policy, and I am offended by that. I should report you.
Boss: Go ahead, I have pictures and emails.
Male cube rat: Do we have an official blackmail policy?
Black male cube rat: I take offense to that.
1771 N Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: afraid to speak
1PM Unfortunately, Mick Jagger Said He'd Only Sign Breasts
Coworker #1: Good morning!
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Because it'll be really bad if you didn't!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
10AM You Should Write All Important Memos There
Girl holding can of soup: Well, one can makes soup for more than one person.
Guy staring blankly: Uh-huh.
Girl: So, how many do you want to get?
Guy: I can totally see down your shirt, by the way. Now, what?
Girl: Were you listening to a word I was saying?!
Guy: No, I was staring at your breasts.
Red River H-E-B supermarket
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Natalie
3PM At Rehearsals for the New Mary Kay Letourneau Musical
Consultant: Pedophiles? Is that my cue?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
5PM Didn't Dick Get the Pink Slip a While Ago?
Worker bee #1: FYI, dude, don't email the CEO on things that don't concern you. I was already handling that with Dick.
Worker bee #2: I'm sorry, did something happen?
Worker bee #1: Yeah, he flipped out! You just missed my ass getting totally reamed out by Dick! [Long pause.] Did I just say what I thi--
Worker bee #2: --Yeah, you did.
Worker bee #1: Fuck! I'm calling him Richard from now on!
Tysons Corner, Virginia
3PM If You Are Caught, the Secretary Will Deny All Knowledge of Your Activities
Boss to employee: So, will you be my secret agent in the ladies' bathroom?
13th Street and F Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: wiretapper
9AM Wrong on So Many Levels
Male law student #1: In chambers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison somebody is going to make them their bitch.
Male law student #2: So he said they'd pretty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law student #1: Yeah, pretty much.
Male law student #2: God, that'd be horrible.
Female law student #1: Unless you were gay. Then it'd be like heaven!
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Attaboy Finch
9AM Memories to Carry Me through the Bad Times
Coworker #1: Do you have any happy memories from your childhood?
Coworker #2: Naked babysitters.
Honolulu, Hawaii
11AM Oh, You Worked for the Government?
Male employee: I had an uncomfortable experience with someone putting something in my butt.
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM Hey, Thank the Restraining Order
Pretty woman: Thanks for fixing my computer!
Geeky computer guy: Maria*, you know I'm always thinking about you.
Pretty woman: And thanks for not calling that to my attention too often.
125th Street
New York, New York
11AM Oh, I Know
CCA: So, I have to get some KY jelly for my puppy. I've never really lubricated a dog's rectum before, you know?
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM I Excel at That
Guy: Can you do me there?
Woman: What?
Guy, yelling: Do me in the spreadsheet!
Rutgers office of Information Technology
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Overheard by: in the next room
2PM Not Bonobos, At Least
Coworker on phone: What?! Suck on it?! No, never! I would never suck on it... I've used my hands and fingers, but I would never put that in my mouth! We're not animals! [Hangs up and notices coworkers staring. Turns out it was about cleaning a newborn's nose.]
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: the quiet one
12PM It's a Little Sticky
Guy #1: Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bathroom?
Guy #2: What?! No, of course not!
Guy #1: Oh, okay... Good spot, ain't it?
Antwerp
Belgium
Overheard by: meneither
2PM I'm Writing Up a Review of the Wii
IT guy yelling across room: How do you spell 'boner'?
Orlando, Florida
9AM So Anyway, I'm Off to Hike Up His Rent and Vandalize His Car
Ugly lady: He only comes over and fucks me when he's really, really angry.
Friend: Oh. Jeez.
Ugly lady: So that's as wrong as I think it is?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM If That's Work, Then I Don't Want to Play!
Lady: ... So it's a strap-on, then. You just clamp it on and let it go to work.
Deer Park, Texas
3PM Well, There Was a Black Lab, but I Was Just Experimenting in College
Person #1: Oooh! Chocolate cockers! I want a chocolate cocker!
Person #2: A what?!
Person #1: A chocolate cocker! I've never had a chocolate cocker!
Safety building, 30 North Murray Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Allison
10AM Can't Understand How Your Hair Got Stuck in My ID Badge
Girl employee: Ouch.
Guy employee: Oh, sorry. Okay, it's not going to work from the front, let's try it from behind.
14225 Newbrook Drive
Chantilly, Virginia
9AM Calls It 'The Arkansas Traveler'
Lady: Does your massage therapist work through knots well?
Guy: Yeah, and she even has this jackhammer apparatus to do your butt with.
400 West Capitol
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: Sounds Scary!
10AM We'll Gladly Accept Deliveries at the Back Door
Principal over loudspeaker: We're looking for someone to give us wood.
4 Robert Holcomb Way
Plainville, Connecticut
Overheard by: for a good cause
10AM Ahead of Raisins, but Not As Bad As Starbursts
Ditzy babe: Mr. Allen*? In the reading last night it said that semen had a high sugar content. Is that right?
Mr. Allen: That's right.
Ditzy babe: So, does that mean it's bad for your teeth?
AP Biology class
Rochester, New York
5PM Not Something You Want to Interrupt
Guy to coworker sitting on exercise ball at computer: Well, I'll just let you get on with your ball massage.
39 Norwich-Westerly Road
Mashantucket, Connecticut
Overheard by: Calamity Canyon
1PM Fun for Us, Hostile Work Environment for Her
Laughing boss: Look, you guys, you can't be talking about anal sex -- we've had some complaints.
Server #1, laughing: I knew it! I knew she would tell on us. I told you Deb* was out to get us!
Server #2: Sooo, just when she's not around, or at all?
Laughing boss: I can't believe I have to say this...
Dining room, upscale retirement center
Bloomington, Illinois
11AM But That's Public Service, Isn't It?
Legislative aide: I just wouldn't want to be in the middle of a threesome. You have to keep going in and out, in and out...
House of Representatives Seat Selection, Michigan State Capitol
Lansing, Michigan
4PM Jim's Not That Kind of Guy
Coworker #1: Did Jim* tell you that you had to sniff these to make sure the sensors weren't burnt?
Coworker #2: Sniff what?
Coworker #1: These units.
Coworker #2: No, Jim did not ask if I would sniff units.
133 Aviation Boulevard
Santa Rosa, California
9AM But Now, of Course, There's a Manual
CEO on sales pitch: When businesses first started creating web pages on the internet, it was kind of like having sex with your daughter -- everyone was talking about it, but nobody really knew what they were doing.
Prospective client: Well... My daughter is eight, so I don't think she's having sex with anybody.
8737 Colesville Road
Silver Spring, Maryland
1PM Dream On!
Suit #1 with backpack: I'll just be a minute -- I gotta go to the men's room to take a squirt.
Suit #2: Want me to hold your bag while you go?
Suit #1: I hope nobody heard that.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Nothing but the Finest Flowers and Candy for My Girls
Chicken farmer introducing new business partner to bank teller: This is Jose*. I teach him to love my chickens.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
9AM The Extraction Went Further Than Expected
Suit: I really don't think my wife got a total abdominal hysterectomy in a dentist's office... That's probably the wrong code...
Palo Alto, California
5PM Not All on the Same Day, As Her Suit Alleges
Boss: It's not like I was banging her in the supply closet.
Bigger boss: But you did bang her in the supply closet and in your office... And, for that matter, my fucking office, you asshole.
Boss: Yeah, but those were different occasions.
Alpharetta, Georgia
9AM It's Just Coming on the Market
Employee: This filter prevents more orgasms from getting into your drinking water than any other filter on the market!
Customer giggling: Uh-huh...
384 Placerville Drive
Placerville, California
3PM I Asked You First
Old lady coworker: Toys? Yeah, I still play with toys. I have heaps of toys.
Old guy coworker: Yes, I love toys, too. Toys, toys, toys. Toys without the boys.
Old lady coworker: What?
Old guy coworker: What? What are you talking about?
Bourke Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Jay Blue
5PM Might Be a Problem Hiring Eunuch Guardians
Boss's wife: Is he talking about having a harem again?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
4PM And 12-Year-Olds Killed in Terrorist Attacks
Tech guy: You know, I was thinking the other day -- you know how when these terrorists die, they think they're getting, like, 40 virgins? Well, it occurred to me that the only virgins up there will be all these 80-something-year-old nuns...
Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
Overheard by: amused temp
9AM A Glimpse of Shapely Ankles Cost Oswald His Composure
Lady on phone: No, he did not get in. He did make an attempt, but things went south from there... I was wearing my skirt with the slit up the side. Nooo, you can only see somethin' when I am sitting down... Because I am a lady.
18th and L Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM It Must Be Love
Physical therapist: ... So he drove all the way down here, and I didn't even get his clothes off. We've just been back there talking the whole time.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Which kind of therapy?
9AM Boy, If He Thought He Was Embarrassed Before...
Male coworker: It's funny, but my son is too embarrassed to buy condoms, so he just has anal sex with his girlfriend.
Female coworker: That's a good idea.
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Stinky Pinky
1PM Lousy Human Condition
Middle-aged secretary #1: Stuart* just farted in my ear. He was standing next to me when I was sitting at my desk, and he fucking farted in my ear!
Middle-aged secretary #2: Ew. I've been known to let one slip myself. And the pussy farts are the worst, because you can't control them.
Middle-aged secretary #1: I see we're keeping it real.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: ginny
9AM Oh, and Photocopy the Porn
Male coworker #1: So, what do you even do back there, Allen*?
Male coworker #2: Apart from sifting through all of that mail.
Male coworker #1: And making photocopies.
Allen: Watch porn and whack off.
Male coworker #1, laughing: Seriously?
Allen: Hell yeah.
Male coworker #1: Dude. You're my idol.
Office on 48th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM At Least, That's What I Tell Him
Woman #1: Don't worry. If he stops, it will be fine.
Woman #2: Yeah, and if he doesn't stop, my husband is very fertile.
Carpenter Avenue
Kingsford, Michigan
Overheard by: Jami
2PM There's Really Very Little Difference Anymore
Magazine writer #1: So, it turned out the chick I took home from the party was a gymnast!
Staff members: Wow... That's hot... Lucky git...
Magazine writer #2: Why, what's so great about gymnasts?
Magazine writer #1: Um... Well, they're really flexible...
Magazine writer #2: Oh, well, you should see the guy gymnasts, then!
Staff members: [Silence.]
35-51 Mitchell Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: and he's OUT!
1PM He's Got a Business Model on the Tip of His Tongue
Student #1: I had a real question! I really wanted to know the answer, and he acted like it was a joke.
Student #2: So. what was the question?
Student #1: How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?
Student #2: ... What, there's no punch line?
Student #1: That's what my teacher asked, but I really want to know the answer -- it's a valid question!
Student #2: Well, I'll ask my uncle next time I see him.
Elevator, Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher
5PM The Alien Abductions Have Had a Permanent Effect on Chuck
Sales guy on phone: An inch and a half between the legs? ... Yeah, that sounds pretty big for that size rod. ... Are you standing it up like a horseshoe and measuring it? ... Okay, let me get you some prices and call back.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: It's a fastener thing.. you wouldn't understand
10AM A Quickie Will Cover Anything up to Embezzlement
Female coworker #1: So, Jack* is like, 'I feel obliged to tell the supervisor I caught you cheating again.' And obviously I can't have that -- if I lose this job I'm screwed for the month.
Female coworker #2: Totally. So what did you do to shut him up?
Female coworker #1: Let him lick my boobs in the store room.
Female coworker #2: One boob or both?
Female coworker #1: Both.
Female coworker #2: Good plan.
Duane Reed, Times Square
New York, New York
3PM Dude, Stop Matriculating
TA: Okay, I want you all to close your eyes and imagine a woman. Now, what does she look like? Give me features.
Student #1: She has dark hair.
TA: Okay, good. Anything else?
Student #2, enthusiastically: She's naked!
301 Heller Drive
Santa Cruz, California
1PM Borrow Money
Call center rep: Well, what do you do when a random person at a call center says, 'I love you'?
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Do We Still Have This Item in Birkenstock?
Assistant manager over speaker: Lesbian to the front please! Lesbian to the front register!
Eckerd Pharmacy Robin Hood Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: But my name is Leslie....
10AM Mr. Kissinger, Are You All Right?
Intercom: Please remember to leave all distinguished butts in the can behind the south building.
14255 49th Street North
Clearwater, Florida
12PM They're So Cute When They're Young
Boy piano student #1, pencil poised under buttocks: Dare me to sit on this?
Boy piano student #2: You'll hurt your testicles.
Girl piano student: Guess what? Dr. Evil's dad made him shave his testicles!
Boy piano student #2: But testicles don't grow hair.
Piano studio
Florida
10AM Tell It to Stop with the Monologues
Secretary: Does your vagina ever get so dry that it twitches?
Passing associate: Uh...
Portland, Oregon
4PM Other Than My Current Job, Which Blows
20-something guy whispering to 20-something girl: ... And I'm not saying this from personal experience, 'cause I've never actually had a blowjob...
400 N Capitol Street
Washington, DC
12PM No, the Moral Is 'Don't Anthropomorphize Numbers'
Teacher discussing domain and range: Alright, here's a good way to look at it. Okay, so think of the number four as a child. And two is its father, because two squared is four. But wait, couldn't negative two squared also be four? That's why you need to limit the domain to be 'X is greater than zero.'
Girl student #1: So, the moral of the story is to keep your housewife away from the mailman?
Teacher: Uh...
Girl student #2: Oh my god! My mailman is so hot!
High school
Florida
11AM When Collies Are Mainstreamed at Public Universities
Professor: Girls, you have got to stop humping!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Because Man Do I Need to Pass Today's Compulsory Drug Test
Nurse with very thick accent: Hi, what's your name?
Patient: Huh?
Nurse: That's nice, can I have a urine sample?
Highland Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Wait until He Hears Why They're Representing Him
Attorney reading medical report: Sue*, is this right?
Sue, the paralegal: Yup. Sure is.
Attorney: But... Why does it say 'Christina*' on this set of reports, and 'Christopher' on this set?
Sue, patting attorney on back: Read it all the way through, you'll get it.
Attorney, from rear office five minutes later: Oh, lord... He's... I mean, she's... I mean... Sue? Can you come in here, please?
Sue, yelling across the office: Did you see the pictures yet?
Attorney: What?! There are pictures?! Where...? Oh, my good god! Sue!
Law office, Broadway
New York, New York
11AM No Bereavement Time-Outs in Office Warfare
Female coworker: Did you hear that Bobbi lost her father?
Chorus of 'Awwws' from other coworkers.
Male coworker: Why doesn't she look in her cunt? Everyone else seems to have been in there.
Ruby Tuesday's
Carle Place, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
3PM You'd Be Surprised What's in There
Teacher's aide: Where did you find the sticky, gooey stuff (Tacky Finger)?
Secretary: In my drawers.
Contour Road
Gaithersburg, Maryland
9AM What about a Carrot? I Could Do a Carrot, I Think
Employee: I got pulled over for speeding last week, but somehow I got out of the ticket. What is the best way to do that, really?
Boss who's an ex-cop: I once had a guy tell me he had a cucumber shoved up his ass, so I took him to the hospital and found out it was true.
Employee: Did you give him the ticket?
Boss who's an ex-cop: Hell no.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: I'll take the ticket, thanks
2PM Let's See... You Look Like about a Size Eight...
Interning scientist #1: Dammit, I can't find my spleen! I lost my spleen!
Interning scientist #2: Well, I have extra spleens -- you can have one of mine if it works.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: HK
1PM I'm Not Giving up Show Business, Though
Becky*: Sometimes, when I'm sick, I think, 'What did I do to deserve this?' And then I remember, 'Oh, yeah -- ass to mouth.'
830 W Warner Road
Gilbert, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
5PM And Who Has Them All in His Desk
Staffer #1: Hey, Gary*, do you have a spoon?
Staffer #2: What kind of spoon?
Staffer #1: Um, one to eat liquids with... What other kinds of spoons are there?
Staffer #2: Well, jeez -- there's fishing spoons, crack spoons, and cuddling positions.
Staffer #1: You're the only person I know who would ever think of those kinds of spoons over a soup spoon.
Waterfront
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Fork and Knife
2PM From Fashion Designers
Woman: I wish I had an overactive thyroid.
Man: Yeah, you'd get a lot of attention that way.
Elevator, 550 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Heather
12PM I Am Shocked. Shocked!
Cube dweller: Do not Google 'Britney Spears' vagina.' All you get is porn.
455 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Alex
3PM They Merge Cells. There, I Said It!
Managing editor on speakerphone: Do you know how to adjust columns in Excel?
Assistant: No...
Managing editor: What do you know?
Assistant: Um... I know that when a man and a woman get together, they--
Managing editor: --Come to my office.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM After Listening to the Candidates' Debate
Female coworker: I don't think being gay is a choice. When a baby is in the womb, it makes that decision.
200 Corporate Drive
Lebanon, New Jersey
10AM Okay, So Only That One Time
Janitor to coworkers: Man, these customers be crazy. The other night I was moppin' the floor, and this bitch come up to me and said, 'It's not time to mop the floor yet!' Lady, do I come to your job and smack the dick outta your mouth?
Natural Food Store breakroom
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: disgruntled employee
5PM Get 'em Blessed, You Mean?
Student: Let's play the penis game!
Religion class, All Saints High School
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
1PM That Milkshake Machine Was a Great Idea
Coworker #1: Have you been in the men's room lately?
Coworker #2: What? Oh, yeah.
Coworker #1: I like how it's coming out all foamy.
Camden Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ren
1PM Well, Forewarned Is Forearmed. Oh, Sorry.
Lawyer to secretary: Now, you treat my sex offender nicely. He'll be here with his one-armed wife later.
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Alex
12PM Why You Hire Talking Dogs Is Beyond Me
Male employee: I want you to know, Cindy* will be complaining to you about something I said to her. It's all a lie, though.
Manager #1: Oookay...
Male employee: She's gonna say I called her a 'dirty fucking cunt.'
Manager #2: Ohhh, boy...
Male employee: But it's bullshit. I called her a 'dirty fucking bitch.' I don't use the 'C'-word.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM That's My Time!
Old lady, told class would run late: I have to get home and toss my husband's salad!
Class erupts with laughter, and the boy next to her explains the innuendo.
Old lady: If I was going to lick his ass, I'd say so... But it isn't something I'd do before dinner.
CCSN campus
Las Vegas, Nevada
10AM The Must-Have Accessory for People Who Are Full of It
Woman to young girl: Oh, I got some news that will make you so jealous! I have two colons!
87th Avenue and Roberts Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: sarah
3PM The Kind God Hates
Boss: Wait, what's 'fornication'? I don't know that word. Is it like fighting?
Coworker: Uh, no. It's like sex.
Roselle, Illinois
Overheard by: my vocabulary is better than yours
9AM Love All
Project manager: Man, my partner nailed me in the ass last night! [Shocked coworkers stare.] Tennis... We were playing doubles tennis!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: CorpusChristi
1PM We Won't Know for Sure until the Hearing
Woman: ...And I love him. But last night I was so embarrased -- I farted while we were making love.
Girl: Ew! That's so gross, you did not fart.
Woman: What the hell do you mean?
Girl: You queefed, okay?
4139 - 98 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dayton
11AM Hey - Lesbians Can Be Superficial, Too!
Hostess #1: I wish I were a lesbian sometimes.
Hostess #2: Why is that?
Hostess #1: Oh, you know, so I could dress how I want.
Hostess #2: Ummm... You can do that anyway.
Hostess #1, laughing: Oh, you know what I mean! Baggy clothes!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: scd
1PM They Come in Handy in Many Other Situations, Though
Boss commencing presentation with safety information: In case of fire, there are two exits to my rear.
411 Keeler Avenue
Bartlesville, Oklahoma
11AM That's Network TV for You
Analyst: The problem, though, is that it's not child pornography -- just the regular kind.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!
80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!
2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania
9AM How to Get a Carrot onto a Plane
Female employee: Can I stick my hand in there without getting HIV?
Male employee: Yeah, but you might pull out a carrot or two.
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Cube around the corner
3PM You Look Vaguely Female, and I Dig That about You
Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: ...Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn't respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you're very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
3PM Anyway, Long Story Short: I Spill Caulk on Myself at Least Once a Day Now, Though Usually at Night
Retiree visiting the office: I was working on the windows and running around the yard with my caulk in my hand, and I have this neighbor, Dave*, who was standing in the bushes, and I didn't see him. But Dave scared me and there was caulk everywhere -- caulk all over the windows and caulk on my hands. No, I'm serious, there were inches of it coming out! You guys aren't even listening to me! I didn't know what to do about all of the caulk on my hands but I called the 800 number on the side of it and the guy said that friction could get it off.
110 Nelson Road
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Because Sometimes the Purest Expressions of Love Need No Words
Coworker: Why won't any sex offenders talk to me?
1334 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Which Half?
Coworker #1: So, Mr. Ericson* says he is going to send in pictures of his fence to show the problems he has with it.
Coworker #2: Yeah, well, I checked the email. He didn't send us pictures of the fence.
Coworker #1: What did he send?
Coworker #2: Pictures of himself, half-naked.
Coworker #1: Well, I'm not fixing that.
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Um, I Was Distracted?
Man screaming into cell and gesturing at the wall: I'm beneath the fucking girl with her fucking panties around her ankles! How could you miss me?!
Outside civil courthouse
Miami-Dade, Florida
Overheard by: also standing beneath the coppertone ad
2PM Where U.S. Army Officials Go to 'Investigate' Suspected Homosexual Acts
Old man: So, this was a good queer movie.
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: Where are the other movies about dykes and queers?
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: I want to know if they are really sexy, though.
Cedar Street
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: silenced
3PM 'Dear Penthouse' Letters
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I'm 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I'm her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
2PM Her Oonication Skills Need Work
Associate: Hey, can you come look at my pooter?
Manager: Your what?
Associate: What? ... What? Come on, my computer!
Mass Street
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: tara
12PM You Have to Keep Your Pinky Extended
Customer: I have not ordered this product.
Service person: But we have a contract that you have signed.
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: I'm sorry?
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: Would you do it like a gentleman?
Potsdam, Germany
5PM Here's a Map of Where I Would Go
Girl: But I wouldn't violate you in that way that would offend you, you know what I mean? Like, I just wouldn't go that route.
1 New York Plaza
Overheard by: I would
4PM When Organ Donation Goes Awry
Male store clerk: She's only seven, but she had the breasts of a thirty-year-old.
Kroger Supermarket
Overheard by: AmberRose Smiles
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
1PM You, for Example, Should Forget It
Salesguy #1: ...so she totally doesn't mind sexual harassment.
Salesguy #2: Really?
Salesguy #1: Well, she does and she doesn't. It depends on who's doing it.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM When the Men of the Firm Proved Incapable of Satisfying Her, Stephanie Turned to the Animal Kingdom
Office manager: What is this book on my desk? Who left this here? Kiss of the Wolf?
Sales guy: I have no idea, do you want to speculate here?
Office manager: Didn't this use to be in the girl's bathroom?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Jack Spratt for the Twenty-First Century
Intern: I've never had butt sex. I'm saving it for marriage. Since I'm not a virgin anymore, I have to save something for my husband.
Friend: You're so dumb. You should have done what I did. I ONLY have butt sex, so I'm still a virgin.
Pour House Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, District of Columbia
2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold
Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.
6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: melessa
1PM That's Hardly a Reason. He Must Have Smelled Bad.
Customer: I would like to complain about the woman who works here. She was very rude to me for no reason, even yelling, and then made me leave.
Clerk: Are you the guy who was walking around naked?
Customer: Oh...ah, well... [Leaves quickly]
Porn store
Bozeman, Montana
2PM Or Tommy Lee
Female employee #1: ...so if the sun exploded seven minutes ago, we wouldn't know it yet, because it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to reach us.
Male employee: That's depressing! What would you do in those seven minutes?
Female employee #1: If I were at work? Have sex.
Male employee: Isn't that's a lot of pressure on the guy?
Female employee #1: Please. Guys are usually all, "Gimme two minutes!"
Female employee #2: You could do three guys in that time!
Female employee #1: Three and a half!
Boulevard Sacré Coeur
Gatineau, Quebec
Overheard by: Sara
5PM Should I Wait to Be Invited to the Celebration or Just Invite Myself?
Male employee to female employee: Now hold on. You just wait until I whip it right out...Then we can celebrate.
Nearby male co-worker: I feel so uncomfortable right now.
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: CB
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
10AM And If You Put Your Tongue in my Mouth, Does That Cure Cancer or Something?
Experienced woman: So, Chuck* came over last night and made me sit on his face.
Inexperienced woman: Why? Does that, like, help breathing or something?
21 Oak Street
Hartford, Connecticut
11AM Tonight on SportsChat: Wankers Talk Wanking
Designer: Gosh, I just hate when you're watching a porn and they cut to the guy's face. It's always such an unfortunate time. I should write a letter of complaint.
IT guy: Yeah, if you only had a free hand.
Leverington Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: JB
9AM I Think the Motherboard Is Pregnant
Suit: Help desk? My computer went down on me.
Tech support: Please hold on. [Places suit on speaker phone] Can you repeat that?
Suit: My computer went down on me!
Tech support, with entire support team laughing in the background: So, what's the problem?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
10AM And I Have Seen Enough
Guy: Wow! Look at the legs on that chick! Those are some really short shorts! Look, Bill*!
Bill: Yeah, that's my wife.
740 Fourth Street
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Sandie
12PM Tough Love At the Massage Parlor
Supervisor: Jeremy* did not come in or call for three days. What should we do?
Manager: Spank him?
803 West Seale
Nacogdoches, Texas
Overheard by: Glinda Bright
11AM I'm So Almost Over Her
Office drone #1: Last week I was on MySpace, and I dropped my old high school girlfriend a line. Would you see this as being friendly or creepy?
Office drone #2: Well, did you search specifically for her?
Office drone #1: No, I seriously just happened across her through my high school's page, but unbeknownst to me she had just recently set up her account. I'm just freaked out that it looks like I've been trolling the internet waters waiting for her to surface and then, bam! Ten years ago that would have been the case, but not now.
Liberty Drive
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: giselle
4PM The Ends Justify the Means
Builder #1: Do we have a hole puncher?
Builder #2: Yeah, it's over there near Diane's* fat arse.
Builder #1: You can't say that! That's sexual harrassment! Diane, don't worry, love. You've got a great arse.
Construction Site Office
Townsville, Australia
Overheard by: Naomi
9AM Tragically, This Misinformation Prevented Debbie From Having Her Bullet Wound Treated
Employee #1: I went to the bathroom and I have a big hole, right in the middle of my crotch.
Employee #2: We all do, sweetie. It's called a vagina.
1907 West Sycamore Street
Kokomo, Indiana
Overheard by: vagina warrior
10AM Oh Shoot, It's Time to Go
Worker #1: When do you leave for the trip?
Worker #2: In about 20 minutes.
Worker #1: Well, are you jizzed?
Worker #2: What?
Worker #1: Jizzed. You know, excited!
Worker #2: Uh, sure.
Red Run Boulevard
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: Matt
12PM She Faked That One
Secretary: Put it in! Put it in! Faster, c'mon! I can't take it, put it in! [Giggles]
Worker: Ready? Here we go. [Excessive grunting]
Secretary: Oh yeah, that feels great! Oh, yes.
Boss walks by. Looks in office.
Boss: What the hell is going on here?
Secretary: He just put the air conditioner in!
2000 Peel Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Monika
4PM No, But Seriously, You've Gotta Clean Up That Blood
Teacher #1, to teacher #2: I like my vagina the way it is, I wouldn't change a thing about it.
Aberfoyle Park High School, Taylors Road East
Aberfoyle Park, South Australia
Overheard by: Megan
2PM Hang On...They're Like...Okay...They're About 20% Off...Just One Second...
Cashier, holding up a coupon: I'll just have to take off your panties.
Victoria's Secret, Green Tree Mall
Clarksville, Indiana
Overheard by: The next one in line
12PM Nah, the Saddle's Just For This Guy I Sometimes Torture Sexually
Female admin: What were you doing here at 7:40?
Male admin: I was rummaging through your stuff.
Female admin: Find anything of interest? My stuff is pretty boring.
Male admin: Really? I found that riding crop quite interesting.
Female admin: What?! I ride horses!!
Male admin: That would explain the saddle.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM Well, Try to Keep All Your Balls in the Air
Account director: Are you slammed?
Designer: Yeah, I'm juggling David's* package along with everything else.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
9AM We Call Them 'Rotational Assignments' and You Would Get a Special Chair
Interviewer #1: You have had many jobs at that same company. Can you describe your work environment?
Forty-six-year-old proper woman: My company liked to move us around a lot so we got experience in different departments.
Interviewer #1: Was this a standard practice?
Woman: Oh, yes. They did that for everyone working at the restaurant's HQ. Every six months we would move from department to department. We liked to call it "tossing the salad."
Interviewer #1: Excuse me?
Interviewer #2: [Spits out his water.]
Interviewers #3,4, and 5: [Look away and laugh uncontrollably]
Woman: I got my salad tossed every six months, but in the past year moved it up to every three months. It's all part of the manager training program.
Interviewer #6: Did you like getting your salad tossed?
Woman: Yes, I did.
Interviewer #6: It must take some getting used to. We have never tossed salads here, but that is not to say we won't someday.
Woman: I would highly recommend it.
Church Street
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: PS
11AM But Then I Gave Him the Pink Slip and Felt a Lot Better
Boss, talking about bad ex-employee: Dick was a real pain in the ass.
1900 Avenue of the Stars
Century City, California
Overheard by: JuliaTastic
10AM He Prefers to Be Called Richard
Guy: I am full.
Girl: Full of what?
Guy: Full of Dick's.
539 Queen Anne Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Nick D
1PM He Said Enematically
Engineer: Holy shit! I just measured twelve shafts!
5810 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Sensitivity Training
Coworker: It's easy to determine who needs to take a sexual harassment class; just ask the person if "harass" is one word or two. If they say two, they need to take the class.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Not the guy who needs the class
12PM Lunch
Girl: So, I just had my exit interview with HR and they were all like, "Be honest, why did you just up and quit out of nowhere?"
Guy: Did you tell them the truth?
Girl: I told them that I was in love with you, and that the sexual tension and frustration was creating a poor work environment for me.
Guy: So then you did tell the truth.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
11AM Interior Design
Suit #1: Dude, you should have a sex room in your new place!
Suit #2: I do. It's my bedroom.
Suit #1: No, I mean one room that is just wall-to-wall matresses and shit.
45 Wall Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: See, this is my new man bag.
Coworker #2: Oh, nice! So manly.
Coworker #3: Man bag? Sounds like scrotum.
270 County Hospital Road
Quincy, California
12PM Lunch
Accountant: We're taking Mark* to Joe's Crab Shack for his retirement party at the end of the month.
Secretary: Is that where you want to go? I figured you for more of a Hooters man. Wouldn't you rather have Hooters than crabs?
Mark: I thought the two went hand in hand! You can't have one without the other.
401 Church Street
Nashville Tennessee
4PM Summer Ad Campaign
Employee: Well, did we decide against boobs?
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: What time does she get in?...That's kind of late. I'll leave Lydia* with my mom, no reason to drag her all they way to the airport and back. Maybe we can find some place to have sex in the car on the way down there...Maybe I shouldn't say stuff like that when I don't have a ceiling or real walls.
333 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
3PM Benefits Summary
Female: My nipples are boring.
Male: Does our insurance cover that?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM Pep Rally
Employee #1: They got suspended.
Employee #2: Why?
Employee #1: They were grinding during the National Anthem.
Employee #2: Oh, how do you do that?
Employee #1: Haven't you seen the pony commercial? You can grind to anything.
201 Recreation Drive
Bolingbrook, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: So, good weekend?
Coworker #2: I'm kinda beat. I was on my knees, hoeing all weekend.
Coworker #1: Ummm....Excuse me?
Coworker #2: Oh. That didn't come out right. Maybe I should've just said 'gardening.'
21500 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
5PM That's a Wrap
Office manager: Did you see that episode of South Park where they were talking about a camel toe?
Sales assistant: Ooh, lay off the camel toes! I have one. One of my toes is longer than the other and I hate wearing sandals.
[room bursts into snickers]
Sales assistant: What?? Quit making fun of my toes!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Travel Planning
Professional: So, at the conference we stay four people to a room, two to each double bed.
Student worker: Two people in a double bed?! Can two people even fit in a double bed if they aren't having sex?
60 Washington Square South
New York, New York
Overheard by: amused queer
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: ...but that professor had his hand on my leg the whole night.
Coworker #2: The one who kept talking about torture?
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lily Carver
3PM Expense Report
Employee: I've never traveled for work before. Is there a per diem, or...?
Boss: Well, there's an allowance of ten dollars a day for breakfast, fifteen dollars a day for lunch, and twenty-five dollars a day for dinner. So, fifty dollars a day. But save all your receipts, you have to turn all of them in to get credit for what you spend.
Employee: So if I ate a banana for breakfast and a banana for lunch...could I go to a Braves game at night?
Boss: [squinting] Uh...
Employee: Okay, how about this: a banana for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and prostitutes in the hotel room?
Boss: You know, why don't you go to a Braves game?
Employee: That sounds great, thank you!
12920 SE 38th Street
Bellevue, Washington
9AM Back to Work
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: Hey,wait! Hey, wait! How old are you two?
Young business woman #1: Why?
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: I just wanted ask one of you out, but I can't tell how old you are under your sunglasses.
Young business woman #2: Umm...no. We're working.
Sweaty, middle-aged man: Oh, never mind.
2825 Eastlake Avenue East
Seattle, Washington
3PM Spellcheck
Boss: When you tie something around your mouth so that you can't make sound, what's that called?
Trainee: What?
Boss: Like if somebody is tied up and you put a rag in their mouth, what's that called?
Trainee: A gag?
Boss: How is that spelled?
Trainee: Uhhh...G-A-G.
Boss: How about gagged? Like, somebody is bound and gagged.
Trainee: G-A-G-G-E-D...what the hell?
Boss: It's all part of your training.
550 Eagles Landing Parkway
Stockbridge, Georgia
1PM Affirmative Action
Female employee #1: They're interviewing that guy for the new position.
Female employee #2: No, they can't. We need to hire another woman.
Female employee #1: No way. [whispering] Women are bitches.
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
3PM In the Graphics Pool
Coworker: If you're gonna do it, do it hard so I can't breathe.
113 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
12PM Lunch
Waitress #1: The chicken is layered with proscuitto, sage, and pecorino cheese...
Customer snickers.
Waitress #1: What's so funny?
Customer: It's just... the cheese! [snickers again]
Waitress #1 to waitress #2: What is funny about pecorino cheese?
Waitress # 2: You said "pecker."
Victorian Square
Sparks, Nevada
Overheard by: waitress # 1
11AM To Hear Your Messages
Voicemail: Hello, this is Joe* from engineering, I'm having a problem with my computer, and was told you could help me out. It appears that there is a problem with my fixed dick...er, ficked disk, fisk dick.
[pause]
FIXED DISK.....
4747 Harrison Avenue
Rockford, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Car dealership counter guy: Yes, may I help you, sir?
Customer: Uh, yeah, I think I blew a seal.
Car dealership counter guy: Pal, that sounds like a personal problem to me.
1499 Route 46
Ledgewood, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Accountant: Who do you have to sleep with around here to get fired?
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
10AM Translation Services
Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.
. . .
Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh...You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.
800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Male co-worker : Is that Elaine* I hear? Does she want to see my tool?
Pause
Boss: Would you like to re-phrase that?
3001 8th Avenue
Evans Colorado
3PM Call Center
CSR: So then he goes, "This is Motorola, right? Because with that voice of yours, for a second there, I thought I called the wrong number" oh, but it didn't stop there...he keeps on with "you know, like, a 900 number, right?" I mean, eww...I did not need to know that.
1301 East Algonquin
Schaumburg, Illinois
4PM Smoke Break
Male coworker: There's nothing worse than feeling not-so-fresh when you have a doctor between your legs.
Female coworker just walking into the conversation: Huh?
200 Constitution Avenue
Washington, DC
3PM Snack Run
Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she's going on vacation and doesn't have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Are you yanking my chain?
Boss: Oh, you'll feel it when I'm yanking your chain.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
2PM Facilities Issues
HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!
4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal
4PM OSHA Regulations
Male bather: Oww! That dog just scratched my nipple!
Female groomer: Now you know why we wear boulder-holders.
92-12 Liberty Avenue
Ozone Park, New York
12PM Lunch
Office drone #1: So my new next door neighbor's name is Amanda and she has a 2-year-old named Mercedes.
Office drone #2: Good luck keeping that one off the pole.
15 Washington Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
10AM Cappucino Run
Executive #1: We will never promote her. She is fucked up. Did you see her at the company picnic with her son?
Executive #2: No. What happened?
Executive #1: She was breastfeeding him!
Executive #2: So what?
Executive #1: He's like 5 years old!
Pause
Executive #2: When is the next picnic?
1 Becton Drive
Franklin Lakes, New Jersey
2PM Paging Customer Service
Woman on speaker system: I have a guy by the balls in the toy department that could use some assistance.
23561 Highway 59
Porter, Texas
1PM Full Department Meeting
Head of department: Can someone give an example of a person in the department going above and beyond the call of duty?
Woman: [Jane]. She does so much, not just for our group, but for other groups as well. I don't think there's anyone in the department [Jane] hasn't serviced.
1200 12th Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
1PM Soliciting Feedback
Sales girl: Sooo [Alice], I hear you are having butt trauma today.
[Alice] the assistant: Yeah, I don't know what is wrong, but it just hurts. Down in my butt crack. It just hurts.
Sales guy: Huh? What's going on?
[Alice]: Shut up, you've seen it already!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Installation
Soldier #1 is walking around slapping people on the ass with a length of stainless steel hydraulic line.
*swat!*
Soldier #1: You like that, dontcha bitch? You want some more?
Soldier #2: Oh yeah, give it to me papi!
*loud swat*
Soldier #2: OW!! [brief pause] Yeah, that was good...
Soldier #1: You want another one?
Soldier #2: Not yet, papi, I gotta go get the Crisco and rub it on my ass first.
Soldier #1: You have 5 minutes.
Bldg 2411-B
Fortt Eustis, Virginia
Overheard by: Jason Grier
5PM That's a Wrap
Male developer: I want to make sure the data loaded correctly, pardon me if I'm a bit anal
Female project manager: I enjoy anal.
2025 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Female coworker: I went out with friends last night.
Male coworker #1: That lie again?
Male coworker #2 butting in: I thought I was the only one who lied about having friends. We have so much in common!
Male coworker #1: So, what about your husband? He didn't go out with you?
Female coworker: That wasn't my husband. That was a male escort I hired to pretend to be my husband.
Male coworker #2 butting in: See? I don't have a husband either! That was just a male escort I hired! We have so much in common.
Pause
Male coworker #1: Ok. You crossed a line with that one.
214 W 39th Street
New York, New York
1PM Custom Solutions
Manager: Do you need these pants hemmed?
Customer: Yes
Manager: Do you have one leg that is shorter than the other, sir?
Customer: Yeah, the middle one.
3255 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Running Late
Co-worker #1: What was that white box you were carrying?
Co-worker #2: Donuts. Why, you want one?
Co-worker #1: Yes!
Co-worker #3: Where were you?
Co-worker #1: What? Do you want donuts, too?
Co-worker #3: No, I want you to explain yourself for being late.
Co-worker #4: Yeah, you didn't say anything when you called me at 7 this morning.
Co-worker #5: Yeah, she didn't say anything to me last night at 11, either.
All stare at co-worker #5.
Co-worker #2: Just take the donuts and go away.
Co-worker #5: That's what you said last night at 11, too!
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: This is my senior picture in high school.
Manager: You were a cheerleader?
CSR: Yeah.
Manager: What happened?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
1PM Layout Session
Designer: The image is 144 by 216.
Writer: What the hell kind of dimensions are those?
Designer: 144 is 2 inches. Pretty standard. And--
Writer: Fine, but what is this 216 business?
Designer: Are you kidding me? Do some math. It's three inches.
Writer: Oh. Well, how should I know? You know I'm not one to mess around with anything two or three inches.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Running Diagnostics
Two co-workers watch a woman showering in a window across the street.
Female co-worker: Is she dry showering?
Guy: No, there's soap on her legs. Wow, those are America's cleanest boobs.
Female co-worker: You can't see soap from here.
Male co-worker: You can with the binoculars in my office.
Male co-worker runs to get the binoculars.
Female co-worker: Uh oh. She just cleaned somewhere funny.
Boss: What's going on?... Ahh, a nudie with fake boobies! I love a good set of fake knockers!
Male co-worker: She has a scar on her butt.
Boss: I think that's a tattoo.
Female co-worker: She should get that checked out.
225 North Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Sensitivity Training
Partner: I'm gonna call her and see if I can feel her up.
1001 G Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Sales Meeting
Director of Sales Support: If our salesmen were women they'd all be pregnant, because none of them know how to say no.
9898 West Bluemound Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
2PM Software Course
Student: I think a couple tweaks will make it better. Don't worry; you'll have my evaluation on your desk in a few minutes.
Instructor: I really need it. Should I get on my knees?
Student: Um.
430 South Capitol Street SE
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker on phone: When she goes to a restaurant, does she normally take it off?...Does she normally read the newspaper?...And the pouch, were you able to stick your hands all the way down in the back?
37383 Six Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next Door Nancy
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: What's a carpet muncher? Is that a new slang for vacuum cleaner?
Co-worker #2: Um, no. He, he, he. I'll give you a thousand bucks if you ask the boss for a carpet muncher.
Co-worker #1: Why? I don't have carpeting.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: jearu
10AM Clean Up Cube
Agent: Wow, I sure do have a lot of shit in my drawers!
5512 - 4th Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Can I see your boobs today?
Underling: Now would be a good time to put in my two weeks.
950 Eller Drive
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
12PM Schedule Follow-ups
Director: I have you down for 8AM.
Analyst: I can't at that time. I have to drop off my son at day care.
Director: That's okay, I'll do you later.
4302 Town Center Boulevard
El Dorado Hills, California
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Oh, I'm so glad you are here.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: Because I got my hand stuck in the hole.
6 Campus Drive
Parsippany, New Jersey
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen...without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: "You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now."
1601 Bryan Street
Dallas, Texas
4PM Rearrange Cubes
Intern: You're just going to have to hold it while I push down on it. You hold still and I'll push. Ugh. It's too big. It just won't fit.
1450 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: What's been up?
Co-worker #2: Yeah.
Co-worker #1: You have no idea what I've just said.
Co-worker #2: Is that right?
Co-worker #1: Never mind.
10 Mackay Drive
Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Urinal #1: I am going home for the day. Take care, you have a good one.
Urinal #2: Thanks; I didn't even know you were looking.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
4PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: You have a thing for my stapler, don't you?
Co-worker #2: I have to play with something. Better the stapler than myself.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Hey [Manny], I see you! I see you! I have implants,so I can see everything.
University of Richmond Special Programs Building
Richmond, Virginia
12PM Sales Call
VP Sales: I'm big on giving it all up to the client. You know, easy access.
Peon: I've heard that about you.
716 Main Street
Boonton, New Jersey
9AM Back to Work
Inspector: So, are you still a slave to Cox?
200 Quality Circle
College Station, Texas
2PM Finalize Meeting Plans
Secretary #1: Everything tomorrow is going to be great but it won't be good coming in, especially if someone spills their load all over.
Secretary #2: Yeah really, that only causes more problems.
75 Great Valley Parkway
Malvern, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Wrap
Cubicle #1: I seriously just saw the churchy lady feel some guy up right now.
Cubicle #2: What?
Cubicle #1: Yeah. he looked horrified too.
Cubicle #2: Huh. What kind of "feeling up" are we talking here?
Cubicle #1: I'll show you when I go down there.
Cubicle #3: Sounds good.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Install New Software
Tech: ...and if it gives you any problems, just call me. Any time, doesn't matter. I sleep with my cell phone.
Lawyer: I've slept with worse.
11377 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eve Z. Dropper
11AM Get Mail
Mailroom worker: I know she in there 'cause I can smell her. Sweet and savory.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pookiepie
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: That guy really gets on my nerves with his whistling.
Worker #2: Hey [Bryan]! Whistle from where I fucked you last.
21100 Rogers Drive
Rogers, Minnesota
2PM Layoff Announcements
Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Sitdown with HR
Boss: ...Right where a woman belongs!
Co-worker: Where's that, [Kevin]?
Boss: In the kitchen!
Co-worker: Oh, you did not just say that!
Boss: No, you're right...I didn't.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker #1: has Crazy [Don] come to see you yet?
Co-worker #2: Yeah. The first two weeks I was here he came over to my desk every day.
Co-worker #1: Did he ever make eye contact?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: He's crazy.
Co-worker #2: At least he's not trying to molest me.
3600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Annual Report Due
Editor: You got a little insert action going on there?
Paginator: Yeah, you like it?
Editor: Oh yeah, I like it.
Paginator: What about this, you like this?
Editor: That's great.
9 Long Pond Road
Plymouth, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Miss Persnicket
10AM Call Building Maintenance
Co-worker #1: I'm really hot.
Co-worker #2: I'm turning the heat down to 90. If anyone's cold then they can go into [Jessica]'s office, but first you have to take off your clothes because it's a sauna in there.
Co-worker #3: You shouldn't tell people to take their clothes off before going into [Jessica]'s office.
57 Binney Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Meet with Hospital Client
Co-worker #1: What did that guy do? Why is he a prisoner?
Co-worker #2: I don't know. I asked him, and all he said was, "It's a long story." Who knows? He's probably a child molester or something.
Co-worker #3: Maybe he had sex with a horse or something.
Co-worker #1: I don't know, I would think that would be a relatively short story. Like a one-liner.
100 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
11AM Plan Holiday Party
Cube monkey #1: What are you wearing to the Christmas party?
Cube monkey #2: A black dress with a santa hat.
Cube monkey #1: Very festive...and probably busty.
Cube monkey #2: Why wouldnt it be? It's my dress.
Cube monkey #1: You could probably wear a burqa and be busty.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
2PM Meeting with HR
VP #1: I look forward to working with you and [Justin].
VP #2: Yes. Let's do a threesome! It'll be really fun!
800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Prepare Deposits
Co-worker #1: It helps me get the deposit ready if you put all the checks in alphabetical order.
Co-worker #2: Okay, not a problem.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, they call me anal because I like it that way.
132 West Central Avenue
Lake Wales, Florida
11AM Handle Employee Complaints
Boss: Why hasn't the mail come in yet?
HR: We have a new postal carrier and she hasn't come in yet.
Boss: Is she nice looking?
HR: Well, she's inconsistent. Sometimes she delivers at 2:30, sometimes it's 1:00.
Boss: What has that got to do with how she looks?
HR: It doesn't. Welcome to HR.
81 Apsley Street
Hudson, Massachusetts
5PM I'm Leaving, Too
Boss #1: You're taking off for your wedding; when will you be back?
Co-worker: Two weeks.
Boss #2: Yes, and when she gets back, she'll no longer be a virgin.
609 Reliability Circle
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Arthur Vandelay
4PM Tea Time
Manager: [Elayne], sloppy seconds?
Co-worker: Sure. It's not what it sounds like. She's asking if I
want the second half of her teabag.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM I Swear They Live Here
CSR: Can you give me your daughter's measurements?
714 NE Hancock Street
Portland, Oregon
11AM Process Orders for 10 New Monitors (?)
Computer Technician: Wow, it's amazing what kind of difference a couple of inches can make...Have you seen [Ben]'s?
The other technicians burst out laughing.
Computer Technican: I meant his new 19" monitor. Grow up.
1035 64th Avenue SE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
9AM It's Monday, All Day
Co-worker: God, I'm horny. I shouldn't have worn these tennis shoes.
610 Gateway Drive
North Sioux City, South Dakota
9AM Back to "Work"
Office monkey #1: Wow, there's another hot chick walking into the building.
Office monkey #2: I know, how'd we get stuck on the floor with all the uggos?
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
4PM I'm Done with This
Secretary: Oh, I thought that was [Jamie] coming in the elevator. It was you.
Boss: You must have really good ears if you could hear that.
141 South Willow Street
Eagle River, Wisconsin
3PM Cigarette Break
Office monkey #1: Bro, this job is like motherfucking cocaine!
Office monkey #2: How's that?
Office monkey #1: It seems fun at first but then it fucks your asshole raw.
1211 6th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM It's Almost Here
Messenger: I hope that you and your tits have a nice weekend.
1430 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM They're At It Again
Phone drone #1: So this guy's going to call the Better Business Bureau because I suck.
Phone drone #2: You suck?
Phone drone #1: I don't just suck, I suck!
Phone drone #2: You suck what? Don't answer that.
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Meeting with Legal
Lawyer: We received the claimant's demand for $300,000 for sexual
harassment. Whether it's a reasonable demand or not...I wish someone would touch me inappropriately so I could sue.
8 Hanover Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pinsy
10AM Mail Parcels
Co-worker on phone: Hi. I have an irregular shaped package. Do you have anything special I can wrap it in?
609 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to the Blather
Paralegal #1: So I just heard from my officemate that you think your officemate has a huge piece.
Paralegal #2: I know he has a huge piece.
Paralegal #1: How could you possibly know, did he show you?
Paralegal #2: No.
Paralegal #1: Did his wife offer it up?
Paralegal #2: No...My ex-secretary was friends with a girl he used to date...and it is just known.
Paralegal #1: Mm-hmm.
Paralegal #2: Look. When you see him in the hall, say "Hey" and take a quick look down, you can totally tell.
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
3PM Coffee Break
Employee: You know, I like working at a place where you can say
areola and not get in trouble.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
9AM Another Day with Him
Co-worker: Can I move your long lovely legs and get some out of your drawers?
Co-worker: Do you ever have one of those days where you're desperate to have something in your mouth?
Co-worker: I like sucking the mint out of the chocolate of Junior Mints...Don't hate the skills!
750 First Street NE
Washington, DC
2PM Rearrange Cubicle
Co-worker: This thing might fall on my head.
VP: Well, just hope that doesn't happen, then.
Co-worker: It's better than you falling on my head.
VP: No thanks, you aren't my type.
4925 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
2PM The Things You Can Say on Allgood Road
Drone #1: Are you sticking around for the 4PM meeting?
Drone #2: No, the batteries are dead in my wife's stimulator and I have to do my husbandly duty...
Drone #1: Excuse me?
815 Allgood Road NE
Marietta, Georgia
8AM Don't Try This in the Other 49 States
Boss: Where's [Justin]?
Employee: He's up my ass...want to tickle his feet?
800 Livingston Avenue
North Brunswick, New Jersey
5PM The Conversation is Exactly What It Sounds Like
Customer #1: Thanks for your generosity! I know we forced ourselves onto you.
Customer #2: Yes, it's just that it was so cute, so little, we couldn't resist!
Bossman: Well, it will be here whenever you want it.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
9AM Is That a BlackBerry in Your Pocket?
Employee: Is that you vibrating?
Supervisor: Yeah, I'm happy to see you.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM She's Going to Get Promoted...to Office Wetnurse
Manager: Did you have a good breastfeeding day?
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
4PM I Thought Post-its Were the Sticky Notes
Word Processor: Critical Notes are great. They just pop right up and come in your face!
120 Wall Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Chaser0
7AM Seems They Installed the Office Catapult
Bos: So, do you lift weights?
New guy: Uh, yeah, sometimes.
Boss: Because man, I'd hate to run into your chest at 40 miles an hour!
Co-worker: Why would that ever happen?
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
7PM Looks Like He Got the Job
Regional Director: I'm so sorry you had to wait, I was on the phone then my assistant got me off. Did she offer you anything?
2800 Post Oak Boulevard
Houston, Texas
7AM Why God Invented Admins
Co-worker: You know, it's pretty hard to kiss your own ass...
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
7PM Only the Ones With Hearing Aids
Two nursing assistants were feeding old men at the home.
Nursing assistant #1: Wow, you're a really awesome chewer.
Nursing assistant #2: I bet you say that to all the guys.
694 Isaac Prugh Way
Kettering, Ohio
12AM You Can Still Have Sex on the Desks
Employee: How does my butt look in these pants?
Boss: What? You can't ask me that.
Employee: Oh...Can I ask you if someone else is my boss?
Boss: No, Brian.
Employee: How about if I'm not working here any more?
Boss: Still no.
Employee: Wow, having a job sure is different from college.
2445 M St NW
Washington, DC
6AM Kevin Likes to Get a Grip on Big Issues
VP: You'll have to get a group together and have a good look at his package. Get Kevin involved if possible.
21651 Melrose Avenue
Southfield, Michigan
6AM Well, She Was Lying Down in the Bed
Lawyer: Then why did you have sex with your cousin while she was sleeping?
Client: I honestly thought she wanted it. Really, I would never do anything to hurt her. I think of her like a sister.
Lawyer: Perhaps we shouldn't put you on the witness stand.
2605 E. Cliff Road
Burnsville, Minnesota
6PM Looks Like Those Undies Were Already Stamped
Co-worker: Can you notarize something for me?
Accounting supervisor: Got any money?
Co-worker: Nope.
Accounting worker-bee: Then you must take off your pants, get on the empty chair and dance for us.
Co-worker: Really?
Entire accounting department: Really.
Co-worker: Are tightie whities okay?
2200 Broening Highway
Baltimore, Maryland
6AM That's Quite a Cyberporn Collection
Manager: There is something on the drive that is taking up 5 gig of space.
Employee: What's taking it up?
Manager: I don't know.
Employee: Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
Manager: What?
777 West Putnam Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: Ballsalamode
12PM The Professionals Use Persimmon
Female co-worker: Ooh, this melon is so juicy!
Male co-worker: For God's sake, it's like being on the set of an amateur porn film with you, sometimes.
5 Fitzalan Place
Cardiff, Wales
Overheard by: Mark Jenkins
6PM If You Have to Ask, That's a "No"
Boss: Yeah, so when I run a report and it's taking a long time, I always think, "Am I hung, or what?".
2202 North West Shore Boulevard
Tampa, Florida
12AM Overheard HR Violations
Program Manager: Dude! You know that one tech writer, that one chick?
Engineer: Yeah, the older one? She's a nice person.
Program Manager: Yeah, I know. Man, sometimes she gets like this massive camel-toe.
Engineer: Dude, you need whisper those kinds of things.
Program Manager: But man, you could measure it in inches! Oh shit, here she comes.
She walks by. The Program Manager follows her, turns around seconds later and gives the split finger sign.
41311 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
8AM "Tech support; can you help me?"
Techie #1: You know what's better than eating girl scout cookies?
Techie #2: Eating girl scouts?
Techie #1: Um, I was going to say, "eating girl scout cookies with milk".
Techie #2: Yeah, that's pretty good too.
Techie #1: You're a fucking sicko.
1 Wall Street
Madison, Connecticut
Overheard by: ^chi^
8AM I Always Xerox in the Buff
Coworker 1: So where should we do it?
Coworker 2: I don't have to take off my clothes, do I?
Coworker 1: You know you're on speakerphone, right?
555 W. 57th Street
New York, NY
4PM What Separates Secretaries From Admins
Secretary: I didn't know I could write off a hummer on my taxes!
383 Madison Street
New York, NY
8AM "So long as you don't upload a virus."
Technician: Hi, can I get under your desk for a second to look at your box?
1440 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM My Caulk is Primed and Ready
Employee: A customer wants to know if she can have a custom doorhanger.
Manager: She can have her slits and holes wherever she wants them.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Julia Westenzweig
4PM IT Girls: Always Uploading the Sarcasm
Suit: Excuse me, can you help me pick out a docking station?
IT Girl: Isn't that a personal decision?
1700 N. Beauregard Street
Alexandria, Virginia
12PM I Take the Short Bus and Work in the Short Cubicle
Coworker #1: Hey. Hey! Laura, c'mere, I need your help.
Laura: What?
Coworker #3 (passing by): What are you guys doing?
Laura: Unzipping her. She gets stuck in her coat, like, twice a day, and I keep having to get her out of it.
1800 Connecticut Ave, NW
Washington, DC
