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9AM We're Not Animals.
Chief petty officer: So, you're saying the reservists can shoot themselves?
Training officer: Yes, but only with supervision.
Barboursville, West Virginia
12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report
Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.
14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton
1PM Or Give Us Little Cuts with Value Rewards Cards
Cashier: Do you have a value rewards card?
Girl: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for a value rewards card?
Girl: No, thank you.
Cashier: Sorry, we have to ask or they take us out back and beat us.
Pentagon City Mall
Arlington, Virginia
11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here
Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.
Enfield, Connecticut
5PM As Jessica Simpson Advises in Her Autobiography
Company lawyer to copywriter: It may be wrong or stupid, but if so, we want to be consistently stupid.
Chatsworth, California
12PM I Haven't Received Any Complaint Messages
Coworker #1, to editor: Do you know where the call-in phone number on the back of XYZ Publication* goes to?
Coworker #2: I have no idea.
Coworker #1: Well, [boss] called the other day and asked where it went to. I called it just now, and it answers with the voice of Dana*, but she hasn't worked here in seven months!
Coworker #2, looking at Dana's empty desk area: I guess that it just goes to her phone, and whoever gets that extension will get all of the messages.
Coworker #1: So it doesn't matter to you that readers might be calling in and leaving messages that are not being returned?
Coworker #2: No.
45 Leveroni Court
Novato, California
1PM And I Thought I'd Erased Your Memory of That Incident
Owner: So, Gary*, did you ever tell Lou* that he could not get a check for any steel order we needed?
Gary: No, no, no, I have never done that.
Lou: What about last week?
Gary: Well, we didn't have any money then.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Poking my eyes out
12PM But She's All, "I'm Three Years Old, Daddy!"
Boss: I need her strapped to her desk with a phone in her ear at all times... I need her making money.
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
5PM And Apologies in Advance to Tom, Dick, and Harry
Manager, during meeting: ... And we just don't want any Joe Schmoe helping people on the phone... No offense, Joe.
Joe, phone answerer: Mmm.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Celebratious
10AM Wasn't There a Rule about Only Making New Rules on Even-Numbered Days?
Mailroom girl #1: Ugh! No speaking in French while I'm counting mail!
Mailroom girl #2: Sweet Jesus, every day there's a new rule!
Ft. Lowell and Alvernon
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dances with wolverines
4PM Then I'll Get Promoted for Sure!
Manager: I'll just talk a lot... but not really say anything.
5800 South Quebec Street
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: leedle
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM ... And Embellishing It
Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!
Kansas
9AM Condi Rice Finally Loses It
Loud office lady: I don't need to learn no more. You know money, you know dick, you know pussy -- you don't need to know no more.
Government office, 400 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC
3PM We're a Classy Joint -- Save the Duct Tape for Your Pants
HR clerk on phone: Yes, it is true that flip-flops are prohibited by the company dress code... No, the addition of duct tape will not qualify flip-flops as closed-toe shoes.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM Except for Larry, Who Can Keep the Tutu
Coder #1: I just can't work in these pants!
Coder #2, raising hand: Seconded!
Boss #1: No! Motion fails!
Boss #2: Indeed -- pants remain a workplace requirement!
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
9AM It's Only a Paradox If You Intend to Do Any of That
Boss: So, the word from corporate is that we're supposed to hang these on the windows as part of the new plan from Marketing?
Marketing assistant: Yeah.
Boss: But corporate service requirements say we're not ever allowed to hang anything on any windows.
Marketing assistant: Right. Essentially, we have to figure out a way to put them on the windows without actually putting them on the windows.
Boss: Awesome.
West Creek Drive
Richmond, Virginia
2PM I Feel Bad for Him after the Tar-and-Feather Incident
Peon, after colleague leaves: I thought we agreed you weren't going to talk to him so he wouldn't come over any more!
Alpharetta, Georgia
4PM The More Meetings We Have to Improve Things, the Worse Things Get
Tech manager: The sales manager cannot take that complaint call because he is preparing to go to a CRM meeting.
Tech supervisor: What is CRM?
Tech manager: Customer relations management.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that?
Tech manager: Well, they are having this meeting so that this sort of problem doesn't happen.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that, too?
Houston, Texas
3PM The Privilege of Rank
Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gee, Thanks
2PM Yeah, Fascism Does Have Its Charms
Teacher: You should all go back in time to where I would walk in the room and you all stand up and say, 'Hello, Professor M*!'
Student: And women shouldn't have the right to vote!
Newton, Massachusetts
10AM Is Anybody Prosecuting the Vatican Over Rosary Beads?
Communications manager to public relations specialist about sex toy ban in Alabama: Well, we really can't control the situation if someone chooses to take one of our novelty items and stimulate their genitals with it.
Sex toy company
Virginia
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
10AM Good to Know the Handshaking Rules -- Thanks!
Lawyer: No, no, men can't touch women, but women can touch men.
Paralegal: Oh, okay. Didn't know.
Lawyer: Yeah, but whatever.
Law office
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Pointless Temp
2PM Dear Diary, My Plan Worked! Off to Buy Tequila.
Tech director to stagehand in pink jacket: Okay, new rule -- you can come to work drunk, but you can't dress up.
Washington Park
Albany, New York
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM ... Which Peter in Accounting Then Buys from Us. [We Don't Ask.]
New intern taking tour of company warehouse: So, you said that we have a lifetime guarantee on all the clothes that we send out?
Warehouse manager: Oh, yeah, we guarantee all our merchandise. We'll even return underwear that's been soiled.
Plainfield, Indiana
11AM Or Am I Now Cleared to Take a Pencil from the Supply Cabinet?
Professor: Do I need to sign something saying I signed something?
Langford Architecture Center, Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
10AM We're Still Paying Off the Judgment in the Dumpty Case
CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Which Is Why I Keep This Big Stick under My Desk
Legal aide: But we have an agreement with them.
Secretary: Well, agreement is the starting point of arguments.
Office
Malaysia
3PM From Drive Your Staff Crazy with Double-Binds
Worker bee: If you're not willing to come in on your days off, you can't complain about being short-staffed.
UK
11AM And Fourth, If You Ever Incorrectly Cite That Movie Again, You're Fired
Guy in jeans and flip flops walks into office at 11 a.m. and high-fives two employees on the way.
Newbie in suit: Dude, he's totally pulling an Office Space. We better watch him -- he might set the building on fire. Or start gutting fish at his desk.
Cube dweller: Okay, first of all, that was Milton who set the building on fire, not Peter Gibbons. Second, it's Casual Friday, which is probably why he's dressed like that. And third, he doesn't work here.
Insurance office
Long Island, New York
1PM The Rangers Go Recruiting Again
Values trainer, on being equal opportunity employer: ... And, just so you know, the Midwest office gave an offer to a paraplegic last month. He's paralyzed from the neck down -- can't move anything below the neck. So there's a great example of the firm walking the talk.
55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
10AM If They Happen to Get Motivated, That Can Be Their Christmas Bonus
Service manager: We are not here to motivate employees. We are here to make them do their jobs.
Mavis Road
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
9AM We Prefer "Like a Baby on a Cobra"
Guy on video conference: I'll be on it like a pit bull on a third grader.
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
2PM Unless It's Bait, Sucker!
Student to another, after grabbing cookie from unattended table: What?! They left them out! That's like leaving food out and not expecting the rats to come!
University
Prince George, British Columbia
Canadia
2PM I Myself Am a Pepperoni-American
Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot... It's more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.
1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter
2PM As Long As He Stays Dead and All
Guy: I always say, "To each his own."
Girl: But what about Hitler? Would you say that about Hitler?
Guy: Well, if Hitler's happy doing what he's doing...
2375 Main Mall, University of British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
11AM And If We Hit the Wall, Keep Going
Boss: I really want us to go the whole 11 yards on this.
Employees: [Silence.]
Boss: Oh, sorry! Twelve. We need to go the whole 12 yards.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM We Don't Allow Any Outside Food or Textbooks in Our Establishment
Employee: Welcome to ABC Theaters*. What can I do for you today?
Collegiate: Do you have a student discount?
Employee: I'm sorry, sir, ABC does not believe in education.
299 Swannanoa River Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Got my GED
12PM The Argument for Christianity, Judaism and Islam
Peon on phone: She's right that it doesn't make sense, but it's what we should do.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
2PM Not to Get Bogged Down in Technical Lingo...
Staff doctor to resident: You did a pelvic and you didn't charge for it? Girl, if you look at the coochie you gotta charge for it!
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM You're Just Glad to Have Company
Office drone: It's like... once you see the purple elephant walk into the room, you just don't care.
490 1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: django
4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"
Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
11AM So Let's Just Tell Them There Are WMDs
IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.
Tonopah, Arizona
3PM Dubya: Can We Get a Constitutional Amendment to That Effect?
Coworker #1: Tell me I'm crazy.
Coworker #2: You're crazy.
Coworker #1: Yeah, Helen* totally caught me checking out Bob* yesterday.
Coworker #2: You're crazy, 'cause he's gay...
Coworker #1: So, what? Gays aren't allowed to look good?
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Gaia
2PM It's Cheaper for the Company to Hire New Workers
Office grunt: I wish they would come to see if our workplace is killing us.
11 4th Street
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: cuberat
10AM Incoming or Outgoing?
Cube dweller: So, do you have any policies about bodily functions?
1800 City Circle
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM We'll Cycle between Passive-Aggressive and Malicious-Compliance
Peon, about new manager: We can be flexible and try new things and watch it blow up in her face.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM Yes Sir, Mr. Gonzales!
Boss: Please stop reading up on our client. I need you to be able to do your job... It's a moral grey area.
1320 South Val Vista Drive
Mesa, Arizona
3PM Oh, Stop Pouting, You Big, Wet Baby
Staff member holding disheveled pile of papers: Now I have to go hand this in with the pages all crinkly 'cause someone threw a water balloon into my cubicle.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: culprit
3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College
Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!
Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM Native Americans: Jeez, Even the Bigots Ignore Us!
CEO to new sales rep: Use your judgment when it comes to payment schedules. If they sound like good people -- you know, like normal Americans on the phone -- we'll bill them. But Ay-rabs and Orientals pay COD. You have to watch those bastards, 'cause they'll all fuck you.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Overheard by: Really glad I gave notice yesterday
3PM Your Honor, There Are No Files in These Drawers
Employee: These file drawers are really getting overloaded.
Supervisor: Yeah, time for some perjury.
Westlake, Ohio
Overheard by: Giddy-up!
3PM No Responsibility Is So Slight That It Can't Be Abused
Manager: Just because I'm a manager they are treating me like I can't be a customer! I wanted to put something on hold and they said, 'No, that's for customers.' I have a key to this bitch! I'll be all up in here ringing that shit up myself.
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: J-Face
5PM But He Was in the Closet
Coworker #1 : Yo, did y'all know Robert E. Lee was an Aborigine?
Long pause.
Coworker #2: Do you mean 'abolitionist'?
Coworker #1: Oh, yeah.
1434 Larimer Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John Howard
12PM Somebody in Miami Keeps Buying Us Out
Toy store clerk #1: Hey, Jessie*, do we still have any of those Communist uniforms?
Toy store clerk #2: I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: What about the Communist soldier figurines?
Toy store clerk #2: Hm... I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: Do we have anything Communist-related?
Toy store clerk #2: I think we still have the stick-on Communist facial hair...
29th Street and Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused socialist
2PM God, How I Want Her
Contract attorney: Ann Coulter? She looks like a bag full of antlers.
575 7th Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Daniel
3PM Warning! Warning! Truth Outbreak in Sector Seven!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Interviewee: Within the firm, are there opportunities for advancement?
Interviewer: Basically, it's an entry-level job -- when you begin it's going to be like,'Shut up and color, we're going to micro-manage you.'
15th Street and Yamhill Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: PH factor
10AM No, Your Children Do
Receptionist: Does the president have to pay the mortgage on the White House?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: wish she hadn't voted
5PM The Silver Lining
Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
10AM Better Wrap This up, Boys -- Mrs. Agnew's Coming into Heat
Supervisor #1: I mean, humans are the only ones that are supposed to be having interspecies sex, and even then, I don't think that we should be.
Supervisor #2: Ew.
Supervisor #3: But that'd probably get you promoted here.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM The Demonican Party Is Known for Its Opposition to the Space-Time Continuum
Guy: Are you a Republican?
Girl: No, I am a Demonican.
Guy: You mean Democrat?
Girl: Let's change the subject.
Guy: Okay, well, who did you vote for in the 2004 election?
Girl: Clinton.
Guy: Yeah, let's change the subject.
The Coffee Tree, 223 Watson Boulevard
Warner Robins, Georgia
Overheard by: Jonathan Willis
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Well, You Guys Are the Engineers, So If You Say It Needs to Be Made out of Platinum...
Tech: So do you think that we should go for this project?
Boss: Absolutely. The client is ridiculously stupid, but they are open-minded.
Bishopsgate, London
Overheard by: whyamIhere?
1PM The First-Ever Suggestion That College Leads to Sobriety
Woman: Man, I got so shitfaced last night. Major hangover. I'm not gonna get anything done.
Lackey: Well, good thing you're a VP. You can get away with that kind of thing.
Woman: I know, right? And I don't even have a college education!
Lackey: Guess I wasted those four years and workday sobriety for nothing. And all this time I could have been a hungover dropout.
Woman: Live and learn!
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
5PM After Successfully Outlawing Science, Kansas Gets Right to Work on Math
Topeka City Council Member: I thought we just voted that down unanimously, with the exception of one or two votes.
Capitol grounds
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: wscnsngl
12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing
CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
11AM Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal
Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter's Godless: Who's that lady, daddy?
Dad: She's some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]
Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That's my girl.
Auntie's Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington
9AM Spice Girls: 'No Problem!'
Salesperson: They don't have to know what they want. They just have to tell me what they want.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
10AM She Knows Where Jimmy Hoffa Is, Though
Desk assistant: So what happens if we go on strike? Do we not come to work?
CBS Broadcast Center, 524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: This is the future of network news
3PM Is He Related to That Blonde Kid Who Plays Guitar on the Disney Channel?
Tech guy #1: Jimmy Carter's son has a MySpace page.
Tech guy #2: Who the hell is Jimmy Carter?
600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
10AM Taking the 'Vice' Out of 'Sleeping With the Vice-President,' One Rationalization at a Time
Woman #1: He had such a big penis.
Woman #2: Oh my God, that is so hot. Did you hear about Richard*?
Woman #1: But he is a subordinate! I am not cheating on my husband with a subordinate. It feels more guilty that way. At least I feel like I'm gaining more than pleasure from sleeping with the exec.
Main Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM I Will Need Additional Information to Arrive at a Decision
Exec: I'll be right back, so don't lock me out.
Cleaning lady: If I knew who the hell you were, maybe I'd consider it.
Exec: I'm the reason you have a job.
725 East 40th Street
Holland, Michigan
Overheard by: INTERN
1PM Why 'American Government Conspiracy' Will Always Be an Oxymoron
Intern #1: I will do all of your House bills if you get up and dance right now!
Intern #2: No.
Co-Worker: Why would you pay all of his house bills if he dances? That's like $100!
Intern #1: House, like House of Representatives!
Co-Worker: We have access to the legislature's power bills?
Political Office
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jason B.
1PM And Then I'll Blow Up His Car
Boss: Well, I'm outta here! Too bad you have to stay!
Janitor: You're not letting him leave early?
Boss: No. I'm the boss. I get to go. He has to stay.
Janitor: Okay. Well, bye.
Boss: Bye! [He leaves]
Janitor: So you're leaving in five minutes, right?
Employee: I'll wait 'til he clears the building.
59 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
1PM Even His Core Constituency Is Turning on Him
Intern: When is Bush's last term?
Employee: Um, right now. It ends in '08.
Intern: Good. 'Cause he's stupid.
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Is summer over yet?
1PM Corporations Can Write Off Crazies on Their Taxes, Can't They?
Co-Worker #1: Don't say "big business." They'll just write us off as anti-corporate crazies.
Co-Worker #2: But we are anti-corporate crazies.
Pause.
Co-Worker #1: Yes...but we don't want to be written off as anti-corporate crazies nonetheless.
1700 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: ECO
3PM If You've Got a 'Brazilian,' You Can Lose the Pants Entirely
Manager: Jen*, what happened to dress code?
Jen: I just rolled my pants up. I was hot.
Manager: Did you shave your legs?
Jen: Yes.
Manager: Then it's okay.
3 Kent Road
New Milford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nik
11AM Hey, Tara Reid Is Just Trying to Make It Through Her Day Like the Rest of Us
Trader: If you're drunk or high come over and share, but if you're retarded I can't help you.
1801 East 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: her boss
9AM I'll Be Going Postal, So Bring a Tourniquet
Receptionist #1: Is tomorrow your last day?
Receptionist #2: Yes.
Receptionist #1: Good.
Park Place
Cardiff University, United Kingdom
Overheard by: stranded_in_UK
4PM Brainstorming Session
New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we're into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: "Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!" They told me I couldn't do that. But it would have been effective!
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
2PM Long-term Planning
Employee #1: I just don't understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It's a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I'm not very good at history.
821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina
4PM Smoke Break
Coworker: When you were younger, growing up in Mexico, you hated America because they had everything. You guys had everything. Then you grew up and you realized "the Joneses" were living right next to you and your parents were just poor.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Honest? I am very honest. I am also very loyal to the company I work for. I give 110% to them every day.
Pause
Coworker on phone: Sure, I can interview with you tomorrow morning.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
5PM That's a Wrap
Telemarketing lady: There'll be no laughing in this office. That's right, no levitation.
121 Monmouth Street
Red Bank, NJ
Overheard by: Heidi Schwartz
11AM Design Session
Designer: We can't afford naked people. All of those photos are rights managed. So tomorrow I'm bringing in my digital camera.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit #1: Why is the boss laughing like that?
Suit #2: She's reading the staff's self evaluations.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
11AM Ergonomics Workshop
Co-worker #1: You starting your transformation into Bob Dole?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I already have a sore wrist.
1001 I Street
Sacramento, California
4PM Staff Meeting
Manager: We need to be ducked-rowed here as there will be a lot of scrutiny given we've had the opportunity to reoutlook the schedule twice now and yet the schedule continues to slip.
229 8th Street SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
PhD #1: So we need to find babies who's mothers smoked during their pregnancies.
PhD #2: What would be great is if we could find some pregnant women who smoke and monitor the fetus before, and a while after birth. But that's kinda illegal and unethical.
PhD #1: Yeah, we can't really encourage women to continue smoking while they're pregnant.
30 South 2000 East
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: whitney
4PM Rightsizing Committee
Consultant: This meeting is just too important to involve company employees.
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
4PM Budgets Due
Boss: Do you hear that? That's the sound of me getting screwed.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Today was like International Day at McDonalds this morning. Not one person spoke with a Midwest accent...I was gonna be like, "Oh, they are so fucking up my breakfast."
Worker #2: Did you hear that there are more terrorists in Ohio?
Worker #1: Yeah? First they want to blow up our malls here in the city, now kill the President. They are always in Ohio. You never hear about them in like, Montana. That's where the Nazis are.
Worker #3: Yeah, the terrorists are up there on the 4th floor...You should go up there.
Worker #2: I'm not going up there.
Worker #1: They do have a nice floor up there.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Do you want to tell them the truth?
Boss: What's the truth?
Co-worker: The truth is that you can't go and I don't feel like it.
Boss: So you want to tell them that?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Boss: Do you want to tell them the truth or the enchanced version of the truth?
100 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Back Office Peon
11AM Compile Mailers
Employee #1: You're making a mess with the mail. Envelopes are all over the place. They're calling me to come clean them up.
Employee #2: They're calling you? What are they saying?
Employee #1: "Come clean me up. I'm strewn about the table."
Employee #2: ...Because evelopes have such a good vocabulary.
Employee #1: Of course they do. That's why they don't stay sealed. They've got a lot to say.
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
2PM Update EotM Wall
Employee #1: I can't believe they made that bitch Employee of the Month.
Employee #2: Me, neither.
Employee #1: I'm going to the general manager.
Employee #2: Yeah, I'll back you up.
Later.
Boss: Who the hell told her that was a good idea to come see me?
Employee #2: I don't know, I tried to stop her.
999 South Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: I just want to confirm that this is your fault.
Co-worker #2: Yeah.
Co-worker #1: Great. Thanks.
1932 Highland Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Staff Meeting
Director: If there is amy way to complicate things, we will find it.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Update Website
Executive: Our new company motto is "Fuck it!" Can we put it on our website?
1777 North California Boulevard
Walnut Creek, California
10AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Producer: Alan Greenspan is leaving the Fed and so our business anchor is crying.
1 Time Warner Center
New York, NY
Overheard by: The McCrum
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I don't really pay that much attention to politics. I mean, I don't even know the difference between a Republican and a Dominican.
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
4PM Update Timesheets
HR: You miscoded your timesheets as vacation instead of holiday.
Employee: What difference does it make? It's a day off. Can't you just fix it?
HR: The difference is that it put you over on your vacation time for the year.
Employee: But it was a holiday. Can't you just fix it?
HR: Do you know how many days off you have per year?
Employee: Yes, but holiday/vacation, it's all a day off.
HR: Tell that to the employee that just got let go for miscoding time.
Employee: ...I'll fix it.
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
2PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I pretty much hate that stupid nursing consultant.
Co-worker #2: I know. Me too.
Co-worker #1: She's so phony. It's 'cause she's Southern.
Co-worker #2: I know! I hate Southerners! And I'm not even black!
Co-worker #1: Uh...what?
Co-worker #2: Well, you know. The slave thing. Don't you hate her because of the slave thing?
Co-worker #1: Uh, no.
100 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Today's Looking Up
Manager: Will you help him on this issue?
Buyer #1: I'd be happy to help him.
15 minutes pass.
Buyer #2: If you just don't do your work, they won't fire you; they'll
just give it to somebody else.
6808 Lake Worth Boulevard
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
11AM Party Planning
Worker: So the Christmas party is mandatory?
Boss: Of course not, but if you don't show you'll probably be ostracized.
Worker: ...And I have to sign a waiver to drink?
Boss: Do you think a company of lawyers would let everyone drink, then drive, and not cover their asses?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
9AM Thanksgiving...Come Back...
Secretary: You can't do that!
VP: I'm like Bush. I answer to God.
Secretary: You answer to me!
VP: Isn't that what I just said?
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
10AM Work on Newsletter
VP: Our newsletter is gonna be sexy.
Co-worker: I thought we're trying to be more corporate.
VP: I'm the VP of corporate development, and i'm telling you we're sexy!
100 William Street
New York, NY
4PM Get New Wireless Card
IT #1: Okay, I'll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they're only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can't [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It's all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who's around when you drop the soap...
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
12PM Meeting (Cont'd)
VP: I don't necessarily want you to improve one thing by 100%, but if you improve 100 things by 1% you will still have made 100% improvement. That's all I ask.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
2PM Managers' Meeting
Owner: You've got to tell me these things. I don't know everything that's going on...you'd be surprised at what I don't know.
2100 Goshen Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
11AM Interview
Corporate peon #1: I was nervous during the interview. More than normal for some reason. He asked too many damn questions.
Corporate peon #2: Hard questions?
Corporate peon #1: Not hard. Just required detailed answers. I don't like the "what do you bring to the table" question.
Corporate peon #2: "I bring diligence and a positive attitude, I'm proactive and can get the job done on my own or with a group."
Corporate peon #1: I bring sexiness.
11601 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Review Napoleonic Code
Attorney #1: The governor suggested that everyone not evacuating write their social security number on their arm in indelible ink. I'm going to go through our database and tattoo the SSN of our richest client on my chest with my children as beneficiaries.
Attorney #2: You better get that tattoo on your ass because you're going to be floating face down in the floodwater.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, what did you last night?
Co-worker #2: I wanted to watch Joey last night but the President was on. Every time I turn on the TV anymore, it's hurricane this and hurricane that. Makes me wish the hurricane never happened!
Co-worker #1: ...I think Joey was on later in the night.
Co-worker #2: Damn it!
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
12PM Catch Up on Paperwork
Service Manager: Really, you have to stop bring these back to me.
Office chick: No, you just need to do them right in the first place.
215 US Route 1
Falmouth, Maine
2PM Send Out Resume
Co-worker: I want my job to be the guy who kicks George Bush in the face all day, only stopping to make out with him.
50 Main Street
Hackensack, New Jersey
12AM Soon, My Friend, Soon...
Female employee: I have to wear shoes with heels because it's seen as "professional."
Male employee: You may as well be wearing a burkha.
11 W. 53rd Street
New York, NY
12AM We Don't Have to Be Polite Because We Won
Japanese engineer: So how is Detroit?
American engineer: Well, Detroit is what Chicago would look like if a nuclear bomb blew up there.
Japanese engineer: Nuclear bomb?
American engineer: Yeah, you know, like what a city would look like after you dropped a nuclear bomb on it. Kinda like that.
300 Takatsuka
Hamamatsu, Shizuoka
Japan
7AM The Perils of the Riddle Industry
Client: It doesn't sound as if the rep really understands the product. Does she need more training?
Account Manager: Oh, she understands the product. She just can't explain it.
6665 N. Macarthur Boulevard
Irving, Texas
4PM "Hi, [Libby]!" replied the group in unison that night.
Co-worker: I really wish they served beer in the vending machines...by the way, I'm not really an alcoholic, it's just been one of those days... oh, by the way, you're new, right? My name's [Libby], nice to meet you!
300 South Main Street
Blacksburg, Virginia
4PM Why Simon Says is Only Fun in Kindergarten
Supervisor: Go to your computer and pull up the client file you showed me earlier, the one that was wrong. I need to show it to the IT people.
Worker: I can't because I deleted it.
Supervisor: Why did you delete it?
Worker: Because you told me to.
Supervisor: Don't do what I tell you! Do what I say.
Franklin Square
Springfield, Illinois
12PM If They're Screaming, They're Talking to Themselves
Co-worker #1: I'm waiting for your response.
Co-worker #2: I just said something!
Co-worker #1: Oh, I can't tell when you're talking to me or to yourself.
330 Madison Ave
New York, NY
Overheard by: LRC
12PM We Love Overheard Office Gossip
Head of HR: I bet you he's [the COO] a total virgin. Probably even a hand virgin.
402 Pacific Avenue
San Francisco, California
6PM Sexual Harassment is Hell
Guy #1: Hey, remember me? I worked with you guys before.
Guy #2: Yeah, yeah I remember.
Guy #1: Yeah, my mom called here and fired me.
272 E. Main Street
Patchogue, New York
Overheard by: Andrew G
8AM Diversity? Never Met Him
Producer: One of the things that came out of the meetings is that they
wanted more diversity.
Consultant: Who?
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
12AM Behind the Scenes: At the Publishers Conference
Lady Executive: I don't even want to hear from you, Stewart. You know you fucked me on that paper deal. You fucked me hard and you didn't even kiss me.
2233 King Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Next Big Thing
12AM That Isn't Right, Idiot
Guy: I just don't think it's right that they killed [Terry Schiavo]just because she had a disability.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
8AM Listening Gets in the Way of My Duties
Boss: So how are you doing? Is everything all squared away?
Peon: If by "squared away", you mean multiple projects strewn across my desk in varying degrees of completion, then yes.
Boss: OK, good. Let me know if you need anything.
600 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
12AM The Headlines Are Already Written
Cubicle farmer: Did you know that George Bush is a genius?
55 East 52nd Street
New York, NY
HQ division head: Nothing is too good for down range, therefore down range shall get nothing.
U.S. Forces "Diplomatic Training"
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
7AM "Just kill the dissidents and get me my carpet!"
Rep: The King of Nepal has declared martial law and has cut off all
communication, so I cannot check the status of that rug order...
41 East 57th Street
New York, NY
12PM Actually that's our job, and we overheard you all the way in NYC.
Boss: It's my job to eavesdrop on people. That's why I like to talk really loud, so that when it's quiet people think I'm not here.
Schofield Barracks
Hawaii
12AM "Oh, and we're dropping quality, too."
VP Engineering: Printing has been dropped as a feature, but at least we're not sacrificing quality to meet the schedule.
2279 Vista Del Mar
San Mateo, California
12AM Tales from the Car Dealership
Manager: Tell him we can sell it to him for 15,500.
Sales Rep: But we own it for, like, 21,600!
Manager: I know! But he ain't gonna buy it anyway!
Sales Rep: But what if he says "I'll take it!"? Then what?
Manager: Then you're fucked!
Sales Rep: Why am I fucked?
Manager: Cause you're the one telling him it's 15-fucking-5!
3243 Paxton Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Doug Pintarch
4AM ...And Sometimes We Overhear Wisdom
Lady VP: I left on good terms. Not necessarily with the people I worked with, but definitely the people I worked for.
4 Times Square
New York, NY
