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9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
3PM Also Like... What's the Word? ... Real Life
Coworker #1 watching pep rally pass by: Why aren't any of the guy cheerleaders hot? The girls are all pretty -- the guys should be hotter.
Coworker #2: It's kind of like... What do you call it? ... Porn.
328 W Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: (Snort)
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
3PM This'll Be the Worst Staff Meeting Ever
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
2PM But He Is My Son
Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
3PM Let's Go Rob an Ann Taylor First
Ghetto chick: Girl, I don't want to rob a grocery store lookin' like this.
McDade's
Jackson, Mississippi
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
5PM Hours Later, Bloody and Rumpled, They Declared a Truce
Managing director: Did you meet Daron* yesterday?
HR recruiter: Daron?
Managing director: I introduced him to you yesterday.
HR recruiter: Who?
Managing director: I did.
HR recruiter: No, you didn't.
Managing director: ... Maybe I'm going crazy. You know -- Daron, with the dreads.
HR recruiter: With what?
Managing director: Dreads. You know -- dreadlocks.
HR recruiter: Oh, I hate those.
Managing director: What? Dreadlocks have been around since the Bible.
HR recruiter: What?
Managing director: Since Samson and Delilah. Samson had dreads.
HR recruiter: Who did?
Managing director: Samson!
HR recruiter: You mean Daron?
Managing director: Who?
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
5PM 'Benny and the Jets'? Perfect for Cardio
AP woman: You look like you're getting your figure back.
AR woman: I'm trying -- I've become obsessed with BJs.
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
1PM And What Is That Bright Object in the Sky?
Pale girl: Look at these freckles on the back of my hand. Oh, my -- what is this dark ring?!
Smoker: That's called a tan.
130 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
4PM Um, I Was Distracted?
Man screaming into cell and gesturing at the wall: I'm beneath the fucking girl with her fucking panties around her ankles! How could you miss me?!
Outside civil courthouse
Miami-Dade, Florida
Overheard by: also standing beneath the coppertone ad
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
9AM If At First You Don't Succeed, Lower Your Standards
Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What's Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It's a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!
Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: laughing into my beer
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
12PM See Ya Later, Ed
Coworker: I'm leaving early, y'all. I ripped my pants, and I can't work with my vagina hanging out.
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Up against her for a promotion
11AM You Want a Bite?
Female coworker: Dude. What's with the mutton chops?
Male coworker: Just keepin' it awesome, babe.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up
Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.
Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia
1PM Did I Mention That I Won't Be Wearing Pants?
Employee #1: So basically, I'm going to wear a shirt that says, 'Ghouls Gone Wild' on it.
Employee #2: You can't do that! You have to dress slutty!
Sixforks and Strickland
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Heather
3PM Well, It Is and It Isn't
Supervisor: She used to wear all sorts of things in her hair, and then one day she showed up with a condom, and we were like, 'Honey, that's not a scrunchie.'
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
1PM I've Had Problems with Extra-Crispy
Girl: No! It was a regular chicken suit!
University of Missouri-Columbia
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Hop-15
1PM If It's Too Hard to Process, Just Pretend You Didn't Hear It
Avis clerk: I just love your little beanie!
Jewish guy: It's actually called a yarmulke. I'm Jewish, and all Jewish men wear them.
Avis clerk: Oh! Well, you have yourself a merry Christmas!
Charlotte Airport, North Carolina
Overheard by: Renjeau
11AM Sometimes Guys Like a Little Extra Friction
Director, pointing to picture: This sister? Is she older than you?
Employee: No I'm the oldest.
Director: She looks older than you. Both your sisters do.
Employee: That's because they both stopped taking their estrogen. They dried up.
365 W Passaic St,
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle right outside
9AM First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Didn't Speak up
Writer: 'Portly' sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: 'Portly' sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That's not 'portly!' That's obese!
Designer: What's the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
1PM Martina Navratilova inadvertently reveals the secret of her success
Girl: Yeah, so I have to go buy this see-through tank top and a see-through skirt for tennis. It's so stupid. And I will have to wear another tank top underneath my see-through tank top and some shorts to cover up my balls--I mean... [laughs really hard]
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: not-so-smart asian.
5PM Probably Far Enough
Guy: I put on the tutu and that was as far as I got.
4900 Tiedmann,
Brooklyn, Ohio
Overheard by: marko
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here
4PM It's Where the Porn Stars Go
Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.
Bethesda, Maryland
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
5PM And Apparently There's Also This Other Thing? Called Panties?
Girl: Omigosh, I learned something today. Did you know that bras have an adjustable strap? Well, the one I'm wearing today was always loose and showing my boobies a little, but then I adjusted the strap, and whoa, let me tell ya, my boobs are like five feet higher in the air, and they are fully covered.
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: azn
5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault
Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.
1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM Unveiling the Official Phallic Status Symbol for the Twenty-First Century
CSR: Hey, your phone's open!
Courier: [looks at his crotch]
1813 East 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures
Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.
Balboa Park
San Diego, California
Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby
3PM We Only Sell Information Here
Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]
Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
2PM Orthodox Dude in Peyes, Platform Hat, Black Three-Piece Suit: 'What Did You Just Say?'
Cube dude: I don't mean this to be harsh, but, you know, the Talmud wasn't exactly written just to justify your fashion choices.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Actually, It's a Generational Rorschach Test
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: Pop Culturally Literate
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Unless You Have an 11?
Woman: I take an exact size 9.
Salesgirl: We only have an 8 and a 10.
Woman: I'll take the 10.
Niagara-on-the-Lake
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: bored at work
5PM He Just Doesn't Have the Underwearwithal
Woman: I haven't talked to Henry* in a week. I'm through with him.
Man: Why? What happened?
Woman: He's sooo selfish. He took the last t-shirt out of my drawer and wore it.
Man: That's it? Dumped him over a t-shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we're through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. Infidelity I forgave, but don't take my last goddamned t-shirt out of my fuckin' drawer. Selfish!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM That's My Kind of Morning Update!
Staffer #1: Well, thanks, everyone, for not telling me my fly was open.
Staffer #2: Your fly was open?
Staff #1: Yes. I just now looked down, and there it was, wide open! You didn't notice?
Staffer #2: Well, I don't spend a large portion of the day staring at your crotch.
Staffer #3: Yeah, I only do it during our morning update meetings.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
2PM Well, You and I Could Still Meet
Manager: So, the meeting is cancelled.
Office hoochie: And I put a clean thong on for this!
1950 Broadway
Oakland, California
Overheard by: mcbutters
2PM I Can't Wait 'Til the Nuns Check!
Tween girl #1, going through underwear: Oh my God, so I could, like, totally get the blue ones and wear them on school spirit day!
Tween girl #2: Totally!
Victoria's Secret
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Becky
10AM Actually, He's Just Hung Like a Bull Moose, and Word Gets Around
Attorney #1: You know David*, the blind prosecutor downtown?
Attorney #2: He's the one who always gets the young, hot assistants, right?
Attorney #3: I don't care what anyone says, that son of a bitch can see.
300 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM That's What They Said Before Pearl Harbor
Employee #1: So as the guy was doing my nails--
Employee #2: --Wait, you have a man do your nails?
Employee #1: Oh, it's okay, he's Asian.
John Adam Street
London, England
Overheard by: rubywoo
11AM The Problem Is Living in a Shoe and Not Knowing What to Do
Large lady: You know if you are a Goth, they take your children away.
Old lady: That's not true! I have ten children, and I wear a lot of black clothing.
North Station Commuter Rail
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM The Crystal Ball Shows Me Outta Here and You Buying Three White Fur Bucket Hats
Admin: Can I go home after we've finished this bit? I don't usually work long Fridays.
Boss: I've got two nephews to buy presents for and then decide what to wear for a pimps and hos party after this, and you think you've got problems?
Woodingdean
Brighton, United Kingdom
3PM If You've Got a 'Brazilian,' You Can Lose the Pants Entirely
Manager: Jen*, what happened to dress code?
Jen: I just rolled my pants up. I was hot.
Manager: Did you shave your legs?
Jen: Yes.
Manager: Then it's okay.
3 Kent Road
New Milford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nik
2PM The Last Temptation of Chris
Married dude: The regular girl wasn't there so they sent the cute one.
Happily-Married dude: Uh huh, the ugly one wasn't there so you met with the cute one.
Married dude: I find her very attractive.
Happily-Married dude: You are married!
Married dude: But she's paralyzed from the waist down.
Happily-Married dude: You're married! So you are paralyzed from the waist down!
226 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dag
2PM Which Almost Explains the French Maid Uniform
Female patient: I just noticed your ID badge. That's a great picture of you.
Paramedic: Oh, yeah, thank you. You should see my driver's license photo. I wore a priest's outfit for that one.
6500 Excelsior Boulevard
St. Louis Park, Minnesota
Overheard by: Rod Backer
3PM Glossy, But Empty and Devoid of Meaning
Sales girl #1 to sales girl #2: Oh my God, you look so Teen Vogue today.
257 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corinna
11AM Does She Like Breathing Phone Calls and Threatening Letters?
Co-Worker #1: Do you know who I'm talking about?
Co-Worker #2: Wait, is she attractive?
Co-Worker #1: I guess.
Co-Worker #2: Blonde? Short?
Co-Worker #1: Yah, that's her.
Co-Worker #2: She's married.
Co-Worker #1: Yah. Does she smoke weed?
Co-Worker #2: I don't think so. But she should. That or a Xanax.
150 South Wacker
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On
Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
3PM And That Was Just for the Left One
Chick #1: That's a really nice dress. How much did it cost?
Chick #2: Oh, um, $3500.
Chick #1: $3500! For a sun dress?!
Chick #2: Oh! You said "dress." I thought you said "breasts."
3200 Fifth Avenue
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Snarfed my Soda
2PM That's What the Cargo Pockets are For
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
4PM It's What You Had Before We Bought You the Web Cam
Tween girl: I wonder if these shorts will fit? I'm just going to try them on right here.
Girl's father: Why don't you go in a dressing room, honey? For God's sake, have some modesty.
Tween girl: What's modesty?
Moe's Sport Shop
711 North University
Ann Arbor, Michigan
11AM I Banged Them Both, Though.
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Dress Code
Coworker #1: I just got this suit at Paul Stuart. Do you like it?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you look like the Easter Pimp.
101 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Amazed
10AM Sample Sale
Buyer: It's great. We bought a ton of old Levi's jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That's genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
1PM Business Casual
T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever's been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.
2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California
Overheard by: daimaoh
2PM Small Talk
Coworker: You are very bright today.
QC guy in yellow shirt: Oh, why thank you.
Coworker, walking away: And I don't mean that in the mental sense.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Translation Services
Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.
. . .
Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh...You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.
800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina
2PM Facilities Issues
HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!
4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal
10AM Picking Up Printouts
Office manager: I finally got pants on my monkey. But his tail won't go through the hole.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
CSR #1: Do you remember Barbie?
CSR #2: Barbie? Was she the one who used to chain her chair to her desk?
CSR #1: No, that was someone else -- Barbie was the one who used to have Barbie dolls all over her desk and pink fluffy pens and stuff?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon is having a ball today
4PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: I do find that when I wear my glasses I'm menaced by street hoodlums more.
176 Grand Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eli Mavros
10AM Editorial Meeting
Designer: Do you ever wonder if some of the girls here were hired for their looks? Oh, I'm not talking about you -- I know you were hired because you're a good writer.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM Sales Follow-up
Co-worker is on the phone with a customer.
Co-worker: No, I work in an office. And they make me wear pants.
400 Country Club Road
Eugene, Oregon
11AM Coffee Break
Woman #1: So we went shopping this weekend and I found the perfect dress but the chest part was too small.
Woman #2: You would think with boob jobs being so popular that they would just make tops bigger.
Woman #1: Yeah, just like SUVs.
2800 28th Street
Santa Monica, California
11AM Running Diagnostics
Two co-workers watch a woman showering in a window across the street.
Female co-worker: Is she dry showering?
Guy: No, there's soap on her legs. Wow, those are America's cleanest boobs.
Female co-worker: You can't see soap from here.
Male co-worker: You can with the binoculars in my office.
Male co-worker runs to get the binoculars.
Female co-worker: Uh oh. She just cleaned somewhere funny.
Boss: What's going on?... Ahh, a nudie with fake boobies! I love a good set of fake knockers!
Male co-worker: She has a scar on her butt.
Boss: I think that's a tattoo.
Female co-worker: She should get that checked out.
225 North Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Worker: I like my shirt, but I’m afraid my boobs are going to fall out. Which would be fine somewhere else, but not here. That’s how I feel about all my clothes: "great for not here."
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
12PM Team Meeting
Co-worker #1: So how's your belly button?
Co-worker #2: Um...it's okay.
Co-worker #1: You know my dad's scar looks like he has 3 belly buttons.
Co-worker #2: Oh yeah? Well, my friend's isn't even in the right place. It's like way down here.
Intern #1: So it's like she has a extra vag?
Intern #2: This is like the weirdest thing I've heard at work.
600 Water Street SW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: ADS
1PM Lunch
Secretary: You look kind of like Bill Gates.
Specialist: I don't look dorky enough.
Secretary: How dorky do you not think you look?
25 Sigourney Street
Hartford, Connecticut
9AM Back to Work
Nurse: Is that a paper clip in your hair?
Receptionist: Yeah, I couldn't find a bobby pin
Nurse: God, you're such a secretary.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: killerboots
11AM Interviews
Interviewer: Are you persuasive?
Candidate: I call it force of personality. Like, I read people and
then I get them to do things by acting different ways. Like some people, I yell at them. I'm not mean but I yell at them. But like my boss, I can't yell at him.
Interviewer:Because he's your boss?
Candidate: No. He does better if I do like, a little girl act. You know? Like, "Oh please."
Interviewer: Um, okay. So, who is your favorite designer?...This isn't a trick question. I just want to know.
Candidate: My favorite designer is United Colors of Benetton.
721 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: mean girls
5PM That's a Wrap
Office worker: You know how everyone just looks at themselves and sees pure ugliness?
1800 G Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Hearing Prep
Attorney: My head hurts, my mouth tastes like crap, I haven't shaved in four days and my suit is wrinkled. I think I'm hung over.
Secretary: Well, what do you have to do today?
Attorney: DUI hearing to try and get [Leonard] off the hook.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Lawyer: Sure, what's up?
Secretary: So you're Indian, right? I'm going to an Indian funeral today. And I'm not sure how to act.
Lawyer: Well...you're not supposed to laugh.
Secretary: But they're so Indian that they're going to have her cremated.
Lawyer: That doesn't mean you can laugh. Also wear all white.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
9AM Back to Work
Junior Partner: I'm leaving at noon today because I think I put my underwear on backwards this morning.
Senior Partner: I really don't know how to respond to that.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Tuck Tabler
11AM Review Applicants
Partner #1: The real cute one?
Partner #2: Yeah.
Partner #1: Yeah, she's married.
Partner #2: Damn it!
Partner #3: That's how I like 'em. cute, and married.
222 Severn Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Tits McGee
11AM Talk in Conference Room
Receptionist: What did you think of that visiting speaker? He was kinda cute!
Engineer: What a dork!
Receptionist: So he was a dork by dork standards? Wow!
ASU Engineering Center
Tempe, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Manager: You know, breast augmentation is becoming a much more popular as a graduation gift.
715 Locust Street
Des Moines, Iowa
2PM Pick Up Promo Shirts
Receptionist: What are the new shirts made out?
Clerk: They're 100% cotton.
Receptionist: Cotton? That's the stuff that grows on sheep, right?
Clerk: No, cotton comes from rabbits. That's why they're called cottontails.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
3PM Smoke Break
Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Didn't you wear that shirt two days ago?
Co-worker #2: Huh? What? I don't know...
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I remember you had that sweater on a couple of days back.
Co-worker #2: Did you look that up on www.victoriaknowswhateveryonewears.com? Oh wait, it kicks back to another site, www.gofuckyourselfvictoria.com.
460 West 34th Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Okay, thanks...Hey...Are you wearing white pants? Wow. You are. This is like...some kind of day. I never seen a man wearing white dress pants here before.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Back to the Pit
Co-worker: Stop putting on your makeup at work! Do it on the subway, like normal people!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Manager: New haircolor, huh? Did you fall into a bucket of paint?
Employee: New belt, huh? Did you fall into a buffet?
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: Wearing the pinstripe today, eh? Real banker-like.
Manager: Yeah, makes me work harder. But you should see me at 4:30. I'll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and working the park.
Employee #1: Pardon?
Manager: I'll be selling hot chocolate.
Employee #2: Is that your name there or the product you'll be selling?
3 King Street S
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: SAM BRUNTON-LEWIS
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
2PM Layoff Announcements
Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Oh, you look nice. Are you going somewhere?
Co-worker #2: No, I just never went home last night.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
12PM Final Party Prep
Boss on phone: All the invitations said black tie, so I bought a white shirt and a black tie and wore that.
8800 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Cpt. Rombone
3PM Smoke Break
Suit #1: Over on 49th, there's a truck parked with a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis. It's to promote Cancun.
Suit #2: For you it's to promote a heart attack.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Hand Out Secret Santa
Co-worker #1: Hey, [Eric]. I know what I'll get you for Christmas.
[Eric]: Oh yeah? What?
Co-worker #1: Some wifebeaters to wear with white shirts so I don't have to see your boobs through the shirt anymore.
Co-worker #2: All right...I've heard enough about [Eric]'s manboobs.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
2PM Find New Intern
Secretary #1: That was a funny email you sent earlier; I couldn't
stop cracking up.
Secretary #2: Hey, I just try to make you all laugh.
Intern: For you to make them laugh all they have to do is look at
your face.
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Coffee Run
Co-worker #1: I'm getting restless. I feel like I wanna go running or something.
Co-worker #2: It's awful cold out there.
Co-worker #1: Well, plus, I'm wearing a suit, huh?
Co-worker #2: Ever see that movie Falling Down?
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: You're really getting good at that.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I keep thinking the little running chef in
BurgerTime looks disturbingly like Jim Cramer.
Co-worker #3: Can't you at least pretend you're working?
250 West 55th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: MadMoney
9AM I'm Nauseous Already
Boss: Make sure you wear something nice like that skirt you had on last weekend.
DJ: But what if it's cold outside this weekend?
Boss: Doesn't matter...the Army guys will pull more recruits if you broadcast in something a little revealing. Plus they paid a lot of money for this remote.
1711 Ellis Drive
Valdosta, Georgia
Overheard by: Todd McClure
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You like nice today.
Co-worker #2: No I don't, I look like a big slut! Can't you see my cleavage falling out of this shirt?
Co-worker #1: Oh, I didn't notice.
240 Princeton Avenue
Hamilton, New Jersey
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: These new pants are great. I can spill anything on them and it just brushes right off. I wish I knew how they did it.
Co-worker #2: It's nanotechnology.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
4PM Urgent Private Meeting
Employee: Why didn't anyone tell your boss he's wearing two shoes of different colors?
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: radiomaven
3PM Finally, Some Downtime
Employee #1 is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
Employee #2: You look handsome today.
The toilet flushes and out comes the firm's president.
President: Do you two want to be alone?
352 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM Halloween Party
Boss: ...and I need a costume. I need to go dressed like a king and then I am going to a concert afterwards. I can go as any old king, Old King Cole, Nat King Cole...that would be great! I just have to have enough time to get the make-up on my face.
444 Park Ave South
New York, NY
2PM Call About Rewiring
Suit: Um, you have some sort of foreign object in your hair.
Electrician: Yeah, they threw confetti at me at the last office.
111 West Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
9AM Back to "Work"
Office monkey #1: Wow, there's another hot chick walking into the building.
Office monkey #2: I know, how'd we get stuck on the floor with all the uggos?
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Prep for Big Meeting
Secretary #1: It looks nice, don't it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, "it looks nice, don't it?"...Doesn't it! I'm just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don't matter, sweetie.
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
1PM Lunch
Copywriter: I was accosted by a woman with a French accent at the mall at lunch today.
Art Director: Really? How odd.
Copywriter: Yeah, she buffed my nails and I purchased her product. Only now am I remembering the accent as being fake.
Art Director: I had a run in with the cops over lunch.
930 South Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
4PM Finalize Contracts with New Account
Vendor: Hey, can you do me a huge favor?
Boss: Sure, what do you need?
Vendor: I am trying to land this account, and the guy won't sign with me unless you sleep with him.
Boss: I am not going to sleep with him! Wait a second, is he cute? Does he have lots of money?
Vendor: No.
Boss: Well, okay but just this once.
3663 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Rick
3PM Cigarette Break
Girl #1: You're from Utah?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Do they make you, like, wear bonnets there?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: No.
1000 Longfellow Blvd
Lakeland, Florida
Overheard by: Denise
4PM Run, Run, All the Way Home
Worker #1: Oh, damn! Would you look at that? I have on two different pair of shoes.
Worker #2: You're just now relizing that? The day's almost over with...what a dumbass!
Worker #1: Yeah whatever, maybe I'll switch them out tomorrow. At least they are the same color.
210 Main Street
Dallas, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Chick #1: I have like 3 pairs of shoes in the trunk of my car.
Chick #2: Oh really?
Chick #1: Yeah, like one pair of tennis shoes 'cause you never know when you need them.
Chick #2: I keep all kinds of stuff in the trunk of my car for that. You never know when you need that stuff, if you know what I'm talking about
Guy: I keep my wife in the trunk of my car.
Dead silence for the rest of the elevator ride.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: n-ro
4PM Keep a Straight Face Until 5
Co-worker #1: Does the administrator know that her hair looks like that? She looks like a mental patient!
Co-worker #2: Yes! She did that on purpose, I mean she used bobby pins and hair spray.
Co-worker #1: Everyone is laughing at her. Should we tell her?
Co-worker #2: Don't you dare! This is the best day of my life!
1024 N. Foster Drive
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
10AM Go Pick Up Air Freshener
Producer: Rarely does a day go by where my underwear is less than 10 years old.
11 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: D to the C
5AM Getting Ahead Through Trepanation
Secretary: Your forehead is looking good today.
Boss: Yeah, the hole is still there but at least the scab is gone.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
5AM Especially at that Special Olympics Race
Intern #1: I walk funny in high heels.
Intern #2: Everyone looks retarded in heels.
200 Orange Street
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: Samurai Jacqueline
7AM Seems They Installed the Office Catapult
Bos: So, do you lift weights?
New guy: Uh, yeah, sometimes.
Boss: Because man, I'd hate to run into your chest at 40 miles an hour!
Co-worker: Why would that ever happen?
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
12AM Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!
Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.
6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas
Woman #1: So I went to Filene's Basement last night, and I was--literally--raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?
24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
12AM Nothing is As Happening As Pleated Pants
Suit: On days other than Fridays, slacks are preferred. If you must wear jeans, black jeans are permitted, because they can look like, uh, a slacks process...is...happening.
490 S. Center Street
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: Good Guy
12AM Tell Her It Makes Her Look Skinny
Co-worker #1: Does this skirt unflatter me more badly?
Co-worker #2: I don't even know how to answer that question.
216 Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
6AM Hanging Out by the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morning and I was sleeping, so now I'm fricken pissed that my phone is ringing at 2 in the morning. It's one of my husbands friends and he says, "I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My brother--" blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but only for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he'd be right over, and I waited and waited and waited. Well, the son of a bitch never came...So that ruined my whole fricken night! So my husband is still asleep, and I haven't told him yet that his friend is staying at our house, but he wasn't here yet so...So I go on doing my usual morning shit, and I go out to get the paper when something on the porch catches my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I'm thinking, "What the hell?". Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sitting on my porch. It was Tom's friend, and I asked him how long he'd been out there. He said, "Since 1 AM." And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, thank God my neighbors didn't call the goddamn police." I mean I can just picture this man sleeping on my porch, he's so damn big...So I had this beached whale on my fricken porch all night long. So then I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and Orca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I needed to drive all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Meanwhile, I still need to tell my husband...so I go in and I wake him up and I said, "Congratulations hon, we have a 400 pound baby boy." He just looked at me like I was fricken nuts. So after I explained everything to him he came down, and you know...blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Orca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morning I come downstairs and...he was laying on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I'm going to have to burn my couch. You don't seem to understand how big he is. His stomach wasn't even touching the couch. It was hanging off of it. When he sits down his belly button reaches his nose. He could probably use it as a beer holder. Well I hear this whirring noise and he's got on a fricken oxygen mask, and honestly I didn't know he couldn't breathe...I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But literally his stomach is so huge. He's got a dickdo.
Woman #2: A dickdo?
Woman #1: When his stomach sticks out further than his dick do.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
12AM You Can Still Have Sex on the Desks
Employee: How does my butt look in these pants?
Boss: What? You can't ask me that.
Employee: Oh...Can I ask you if someone else is my boss?
Boss: No, Brian.
Employee: How about if I'm not working here any more?
Boss: Still no.
Employee: Wow, having a job sure is different from college.
2445 M St NW
Washington, DC
6AM Dude, Go for the Implants
Income auditor guy: I want to buy my fiance a gift like make-up.
Income auditor gal: Cool, how much you set for it?
Income auditor guy: 30 Egyptian pounds.
Income auditor gal: You could buy a blusher with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well then, how about cheap make-up?
Income auditor gal: You can't buy anything with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well how much do you think I need?
Income auditor gal: About 500 EGP to buy her one of those cute boxes that's full of make-up and perfumes.
Income auditor guy: With 500 EGP, I could send her to a plastic surgeon and get change.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
6AM Taking the Work Out of "Co-worker"
IT guy: Does anyone want to help me move some equipment into the U-Haul downstairs?
Co-worker #1: You know I would, but I'm just not wearing the shoes for it today.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you put on your tennis shoes? I see them under your desk.
Co-worker #1: Shh!
3100 West Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Samantha Quinnsbury
12PM Whipping Political Slaves Keeps the Weight in Check
Visiting European account manager: Hello [Katie], how nice to see you again. I am back for factory visit!
Chinese Sales Rep: Hi, welcome you to office again! You are look much fatter than last time! Every time, fatter and fatter!
Visiting European account manager: ...yes...well...really...
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
12PM If You Can't Produce, At Least Be An LA Cliche
Producer guy #1: She's just awful.
Producer guy #2: And it's not like she's smokin' hot!
Producer guy #1: Yeah, if you can't act at least be smoking hot.
10201 West Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM I Left My Undies Down Under
Nurse: Where are your pants [Tobias]?
AlcoHobo: I must have forgotten to put them on before I left the house.
North Terrace
Adelaide, South Australia
12PM It's Snobby in California
Product Manager #1: It's Spring Break.
Product Manager #2: How come we don't get Spring Break?
Intern #1: Because you're no longer young.
Intern #2: Or pretty.
777 4th Street
Los Angeles, California
12AM It's More Nice When You Take 'Em Off
Businessman: You know, it's so nice when you have nice pants. You want to go out of your way to do things.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
8AM "...or that you sort mail for a living."
Mail clerk #1: I got the new pair of shoes because I don't like what my old ones look like.
Mail clerk #2: Try crack, then you won't care what you look like.
525 West Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM "How can I make your member look like Senor Wences?"
I picked up a call that was on hold and the LA talent agent that was on the other end was muttering "with your dentures and your eyeliner, you dirty old bitch".
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Neal
12PM Leadership Means Boosting Your Subordinates
CEO: [Frank] and [James] go way back. And when they start on a bid, [Frank] doesn't shave. He grows a moustache, and when we get the deal the moustache comes off. So when I see it start coming back, I want it off. Either way, he's still the ugliest bastard we have on the team.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM "Oh, so she is that qualified!"
Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven't interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn't have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don't feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.
1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California
