Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Philosophy All Categories > Topics > Philosophy
Recent | Best Of
4PM Don't Worry, Gretel, We'll Just Follow the Smell Back Home
Cube rat: Well, change your diaper and move on. That's what I always say.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM So It Looks Good in Tight Buns?
VP to general counsel: A nine-inch wiener is a nine-inch wiener. You've got to make it look pretty.
850 Bryant Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: IC Balaam
2PM So Why Has It Made Britney So Miserable?
Sweet-natured office chick: I'm starting to realize I'm just a selfish little bitch, and now I'm much, much happier!
Centre Street
New York, New York
12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?
Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...
Boulder, Colorado
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
4PM They Understand That They Need to Use Smaller Words
Intern: I think I need to dye my hair blonde again. People understand me better when I'm blonde.
Charleston, South Carolina
9AM I Think We Made That Abundantly Clear Today
Sales rep, returning from a meeting: Just because we have brains does not mean we're smart!
State Street
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: Summer Intern
9AM Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard
Lady manager: As far as I'm concerned, if you haven't had a rash, you haven't lived!
Kingswood Fields, Surrey
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Captain Stash
11AM I Don't Know -- Is It?
Manager: First thing we do is get back control of petty cash.
HR clerk: Isn't that like closing the barn door after the coke has been snorted?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM These Are the Options?
Office dude: Some of the guys here are so blatant when they stare at and talk about cute girls that work here. I think it's demeaning.
Office chick: Yeah, but I would rather be sexually harassed for being attractive than have guys call me 'ugly.' Wow... I just set the feminist movement back, like, 50 years.
Seattle, Washington
10AM So Abandon All Hope, Yadda Yadda Yadda
Vice president: I know it's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.
198 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM But You're Just Motivating the Hell Out of Me Today
New senior manager: So... When have you ever given a shit?
Employee: I don't know. It's been a while.
Interstate Parkway North
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Deno
9AM We're More Like Your Kids Who Won't Get Jobs
Supervisor: You guys are just like my family!
Office peon: Yeah, except we don't throw your shit in the river.
Academy Street
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Dude
11AM Especially If You're Playing Cricket at the Time
Australian guy: Pardon my language, but my last boss was such a cunt.
Intern: I feel like it's more acceptable to say the C-bomb when you have an accent.
Spring Street
Oyster Bay, New York
4PM And Die?
Office peon, brightly: Well, you're never too old to stop learning!
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Think I'll Do That
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM Yeah, Let Me Add That to Original Sin and Slavery
Psycho parent: Look, you're not in his resource time, so he can't get help from you then.
Teacher: Yes, well, I'm teaching another class, so I can't be there.
Psycho parent: I know it's not your fault, but don't you feel like you should take some responsibility for that?
High school
Sterling, Virginia
3PM Measuring Out My Life with Coffee Spoons
Peon: No, thank you. I consider scrapbooking to be a gateway activity. The next thing you know, I'll be going to Tupperware or candle parties.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM So, in Summary, I'm Sorry about Your Desk
Male coworker: The first time I shit in school was in eleventh grade. It was during Chemistry, after gym class. It was on that day I became a man. Since then I'll shit anywhere, basically.
1372 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: ILmatic
11AM You Know How She Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth?
Suit: You know, this whole process is like making out with your cousin.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM For Those Who Are Always Getting Sucker-Taught
Coworker #1: You know how there are teachable moments?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Well, there should also be punchable moments.
Austin, Texas
10AM Sorry, Feminist Theory Is Down the Hall
Professor: So, you see how within Foucault's understanding power always returns, because it is in the very organization of our thoughts?
Student in back row: Those sons of bitches!
2001 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
4PM Blamestorming Is a Critical Part of the Planning Process
VP, jokingly: ... And this is the part of the project where we'll assign blame when we have to.
Marketing manager: We're expecting blame?
VP: Oh, sure -- blame is like water: it gets through any cracks and always works its way downwards.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Most Extras in Hollywood Are Golems Now
Foreign producer on phone: I tell him it's okay if you're dead... We'll make from him a midget...
Film studio
Hollywood, California
4PM If It Makes Any Difference, I'm a Man
Receptionist: Girl, you're young, you're skinny, you've got a boyfriend who makes you happy, and you're not cramping. You were doomed to have a shitty week here before you walked through that door.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: They're not bitter or anything, though...
12PM And End Up Teaching in Ohio
Philosophy professor: History is written by the winners. Losers are killed... But in philosophy, losers aren't killed, they're marginalized.
Athens, Ohio
1PM I May Have Failed to Grasp Your Point
Office grunt: Well, you know what they say -- when the lion king roars, the cows go running.
Garey Avenue
Pomona, California
12PM Nothing Was Ever the Same after Howie Got the National Geographic Channel
Suit on cell: So, my division is like an aborigine, and their division is like a rhinoceros.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: Spittake
10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"
CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: hiding under my desk
11AM Women.
VP: They're all doable. We're just not able to do most of them.
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cautiously Optimistic
11AM That's What I Think of Pleated Khakis on Men
Product manager: So, it's a win-win situation, but without the wins.
70 East 55th Street
New York, New York
5PM And Wandering in Traffic?
Admin assistant: I hear that Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually have an open relationship.
India-Indian boss: Well, it is no surprise since she does not want to get married.
Admin assistant: I guess you're right.
India-Indian boss: I mean, why buy the milk when that cow is just outside?
685 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
11AM You Mean Argue for Years about What to Build?
Boss: We'll have to develop this from Ground Zero principles.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
5PM Society Would Crumble without Hypocrisy
Coworker #1: You don't believe in the five-second rule?
Coworker #2, who dropped a chip and threw it away: I do, just not when people are watching...
Richardson, Texas
12PM They Tilt Their Heads Just So to Avoid a Lifting Body Shape
Chubby office girl #1: ... And I'm a big girl, okay? The wind was blowing so hard that I almost fell over. I dunno how other people stay on the ground.
Chubby office girl #2: I've often wondered that.
Chubby office girl #1: Why I'm so fat?
Chubby office girl #2, laughing: No, how skinny people aren't airborne more often.
Chubby office girl #1: They're more aerodynamic, I guess.
State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Liz
1PM Which Is Why These New Retinal-Scan Pencils Will Really Catch On
Worker bee: The easier pencils are to find, the easier they are to steal.
Plymouth, Michigan
Overheard by: Tim
5PM If That's Not Normal, I Don't Want to Know What Is!
Metrosexual CSR: I don't know -- I just feel like most normal straight men shouldn't know all the lyrics to Rent.
915 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM But I'm in My Foxhole!
Engineer to another: Well, if you're out of ammunition, then you must be an atheist.
2400 Congress Street
Portland, Oregon
9AM Get Sober, Write a Book, Yada Yada Yada
Office grunt: These days if you don't find your passion as a kid you'll end up a drug addict.
250 West 54th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: jillysays
10AM It Only Solves the Back End of the Problem
Engineer #1: Why on Earth do we have to use this?
IT worker: We're committed to using our own solution.
Engineer #1: Yeah, I understand the dog food rationale.
Engineer #2: The problem is that it's not dog food. It's kitty litter.
401 Elliott Avenue West
Seattle, Washington
5PM Plus, It's Harder to Steal Stuff and Get Away with It
Database admin #1: Well, this is a good place to work. You can really learn a lot here...
Database admin #2: Unlike a shop where everything's automated and running smoothly -- a place like that, something goes down, you just execute a stored procedure and you don't have to know what it does.
Database admin #1: Yeah, you don't want to work in a place where everything's well-managed and actually works.
Database admin #2: Yeah! You won't learn anything that way!
80 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: The Nerd Whisperer
12PM When You Get Vestibular Guacamole, Don't Come Crying to Me
Girl on phone: It's like, 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,' but in your case, 'A burrito, a burrito, the health of my inner ear for a burrito.' It's truly sad.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM The Guilt Trip to Bountiful
Boss: When, in the course of your life, you are traveling to the right you will find that you must take the toll road and pay your dues. There is no free road to the right.
Employee: Uh... Can I have my doughnut now?
Bountiful, Utah
Overheard by: tkt
11AM Ask Any New Yorker
Woman coming in from outside: It's really human out there.
Man: Yeah -- it's not the heat, it's the humanity that will get you every time.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Evan
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM It's the Tragedy of the Human Condition
Office grunt: Sometimes you get a hole in your bag and you lose your chicken.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
4PM He Has, He's Just Hoping She'll Show Him Where It Is
Male employee #1: I don't think it exists.
Female employee: The G-spot? Oh, it's real.
Male employee #1: I think it's a mythical place.
Male employee #2: I've never heard of it.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
3PM Like If They Smoke a Lot of Pot
Senior partner: What are you listening to? That's some funky music.
Paralegal: Phish.
Senior partner: Oooh, Phish -- I've heard of them but never heard them. Wow, they have a great sound.
Paralegal: Yeah, I really like them.
Senior partner, with fixed gaze: When you know someone listens to funky music, that can really tell you a lot about a person.
Washington, DC
10AM Thank God for Women Who Don't Know Any Better
Salesman: You know, customers who want their parts on time and in decent condition really get on my nerves.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM When We Get to 'Two,' Give Me a Push, Okay?
Blonde entering elevator: I tell you, people are lazy.
Brunette: Which people?
Blonde, hitting button for second floor: Everybody. Everybody is lazy!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: going to 5
3PM I'll Be Anything If It'll Get Me Laid
Employee #1: Is anyone here a feminist?
Employee #2: What's that?
Employee #1: So, that would be a no...
1301 Central Avenue
Evanston, Illinois
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
4PM Amanda Hugginkiss Had Responded and Was Befuddled by the Accusation
Manager: We've noticed that you haven't responded to the anonymous survey. We'd like your feedback as soon as possible.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM But Only by Going Further in Can We Acquire Cheese
Board member: There has got to be a way out of this place.
175 S. 3d St
Columbus, Ohio
1PM Also, I Hung up That One Corpse
Secretary : The guys who clean my yard never take any off my plants, because I threaten them, I say 'If you touch anything, I'll kill you!' And they never touch anything since then. Because they're Haitians, and you know, Haitians scare easy.
1252 Memorial Drive
Coral Gables, Florida
5PM What He Learned at Harvard Business School
Branch manager: Wiggy wiggy wiggy wuzza wuzza wiggy. Wiggy!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM May I Suggest Decaf, Sir?
Suit: Why do we have Swiss Miss and Nesquik?
Warehouse guy: Ummm, they're not the same thing.
Suit: How so? They both make hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Well, maybe cause Swiss Miss goes in milk and water?
Suit: So why don't we just keep this around? It's a multi-tasking hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Huh? Ummm, well, maybe people like the way Nesquik 'multi-tasks.' It can be put in cold or hot milk. Good for the summer.
Suit: And this can't?
Warehouse guy: Dunno. Don't think so...
Suit: Forget it! I'll have coffee!
The Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: CoffeeJunky
9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11
Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!
750 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
5PM Well, Some of the Time, Anyway
Office manager: We kinda have a policy we sorta have to follow.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM You Also Need to Have Finished Third-Grade Math
Worker: Yup, it takes a lot more than a million dollars to be a millionaire these days.
Hermiston, Oregon
1PM Watched The Neverending Story Once Too Often
CIO: You developers have to tell the BAs if you're going to miss a deadline, or they'll be in the dark. Then they can't tell the managers, and they'll be in the dark. Pretty soon we have this big snowball of darkness.
625 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM Well, It's a Huge Job to Turn the Glass Around
Five maintenance engineers stand staring at a window with rain pouring down on the inside of the glass.
Engineer: If we all knew about this, why didn't we fix it?
6th and Sycamore
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Alice
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Any Time There's No One Else in the Building, That Is
Supervisor: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to keep this door to the hallway open.
Temp: But it's so noisy out there.
Supervisor: I'm sorry, but we like to have an open door policy. If you want, you can come talk to me about it privately at any time.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: a different temp
10AM Control Room
Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won't know how to write code.
880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
4PM Smoke Break
Coworker: When you were younger, growing up in Mexico, you hated America because they had everything. You guys had everything. Then you grew up and you realized "the Joneses" were living right next to you and your parents were just poor.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Chief accountant on phone: No, this is not a business. This is the U.S. government.
1660 S Columbian Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Rogue Peanut
5PM That's a Wrap
Telemarketing lady: There'll be no laughing in this office. That's right, no levitation.
121 Monmouth Street
Red Bank, NJ
Overheard by: Heidi Schwartz
1PM Career Advice
Two real estate agents are returning from lunch.
Experienced agent: You're never going to make any money if you keep getting drunk like this.
73 West 19th Street
New York, New York
3PM Smoke Break
Jr. Developer: What we need is an alien invasion.
Deveveloper #11: We have one. Mexicans.
Jr. Developer: [sigh] What we need is an extraterrestrial alien invasion.
Developer #2: Boy, you sure have it out for the aliens.
Developer #1: I can't help it. I'm a xenophobe.
Jr. Developer: The whole world is xenophobic. We need the extraterrestrial invasion in order to unite the globe and to make us stop fighting amongst ourselves.
Developer #1: Until after they left.
Jr. Developer: No, because they came from space, there could always be more of them. As paranoid humans, we have to hunt them down and exterminate them all in order to protect ourselves.
Pause
Jr. Developer: Besides, they might have oil.
501 Corporate Centre Drive
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: Brian
3PM Tea Run
Admin #1: Without extremes, normalcy wouldn't exist.
Admin #2: Wow, we're getting heavy now.
Admin #3: Back from tour one day, and you're already waxing poetic?
Admin #1: Wait, isn't that what fractals and Jurassic Park are about?
Admin #2 & 3: What?
Admin #1: Extremes, fractals and Jurassic Park. Wasn't anyone a nerd like me?
Admin #2: Um, no.
3 Lafayette Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
2PM Setting Goals
CSR to manager: Sometimes there is a fine line between making people happy and getting them to shut up.
1300 Arlington
Itasca, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Attorney #1: I stepped on a baby bird this morning on the way into the courthouse.
Attorney #2: The jokes are right. We don't have souls.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Did you have a computer ethics class in college?
Programmer: [Scoffs] There is no ethics, it's a computer.
10 Salt Creek Lane
Hinsdale, Illinois
Overheard by: Bill Dwyer
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: I don't care if you threw up or not, I'm not canceling that dentist appointment...Well, take some Tums and go anyway. If you have to throw up again, throw up on them; who cares?
321 Norristown Road
Ambler, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Director: I feel like she's staring into my soul.
Producer: It's a good feeling, isn't it?
35 West 4th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: jen d.
11AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Check it out, [Brad]'s actually being useful!
Worker #2: I don't believe it. And I'm not even going to look because I refuse to look at things that I know are lies.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Team Meeting (Cont'd)
Superintendent: We all know it is wrong, but this should make it not as wrong as it is now.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
10AM Team Meeting
Manager: We will have a meeting later on to make sure everyone is happy.
Employee: But today is [Kelly]'s turn to be happy, not mine...I can pretend to be happy.
8 The Grove
Slough, Berkshire
UK
2PM Conference
Presenter: If you knew what I was thinking, what I just said would
make perfect sense.
1 Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Don't do as I do. In fact, don't even do as I say.
2807 Gulf Freeway
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I do things my way because that's what works best for me.
Co-worker #2: Huh?
1 Embarcadero Center
San Francisco, California
2PM Book Room
Co-worker: So I'm staying with these two guy friends of mine but it's not like it'll cost more. The hotel I mean. Because they'll sleep in one bed together and I'll sleep in the other. They've done it before. Not that they're gay, but when you're cheap you'll sleep with anyone.
250 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
4PM Employee Evals Due
HR: What we need to determine about her mistake is, is this fuckup a rare occurrence or is this the type of thing we should come to expect from her.
VP: You mean like the normal run of the mill disasters...
HR: Exactly.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Your job isn't to solve problems; your job is to find solutions.
117 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Guido Sarducci
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Did you pick up [Bruce]?
Owner: Yes, I picked him up.
[Bruce]: Do you think it's a sign to go home when you run out of gas in your car at a gas station who runs out of gas?
101 East Main Street
Farmington, New Mexico
5PM That's a Wrap
File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
5PM Happy Hour
Attorney: We're smarter for making the correct decision to the everyday question: drink or work? Correct answer: drink and work.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Let's take care of that tomorrow.
Employee: Let's as in "you and me", or "you, me and [Kate]", or "me and [Kate]"?
Boss: Let's as in "you and Kate]." I shouldn't be involved unless there's a problem.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Boss: You know me, if I want to pick up my right foot I first step on my left foot so that I have a back-up to lift with.
Employee: I see you have a belt and suspenders.
Boss: Exactly.
510 Adams Street
Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin
4PM Finalize Itineraries
Grunt: Can I get those itineraries?
Agent: No, life's a bitch.
Grunt: Life's what you make of it, not what it makes of you.
3675 Ruffin Road
San Diego, California
2PM Layoff Announcements
Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Out of Here
Suit: We don't need to do that right away, we can do it tomorrow.
Boss: We should do it today. Why put off until tomorrow what we can do today?
Suit: I was thinking about killing you yesterday.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
2PM Meeting to Find Our Motto
VP: We have to create the problem that the customer will want to solve.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
11AM Schedule Vacations
Co-worker #1: Is it bad to take holidays just after you start a
new job, like within the trial period?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I took, like, 10 days in the first week of starting.
WCP Harlaw Road
Inverurie, Aberdeenshire
Scotland
Overheard by: JBlair
3PM Cigarette Break
Employee #1: People hate smokers now.
Employee #2: They really do!
Employee #1: We're piranhas.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Patrick
1PM Lunch Happens
Co-worker on phone: That's what happens when there are too many chefs and not enough cooks!
465 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
9AM It's One of Those Wednesdays...
VP Software Development: In my opinion you don't have to be good at what you do to be a good manager.
2 East Main Street
Danville, Illinois
4PM Clean Up Reports
Project Manager: We didn't know the old system generated those reports.
CIO: Well, you can't clean out an old warehouse without finding a few rat turds in the corner.
655 Engineering Drive
Norcross, Georgia
4PM I'm Objectively Done for the Week
Art Director: It's hard to be objective when you only see the universe from your point of view.
250 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: So I was at the deli, and I asked for a third of a pound of meat. I asked the lady twice. She then gave me 1.5 pounds of meat. I said, "Excuse me, this isn't a third of a pound." Then she said,
"Yes, it is." Then I said, "No, it's not." So then she turns and asks her co-worker behind the deli counter how much a third of a pound is, and her co-worker replies, "Oh, a third of a pound is .75."...This is why I hate the South.
115 Perimeter Center Place
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Every time I see you you have Subway.
Co-worker #2: Yup, I get it every day.
Co-worker #1: What are you, Jared?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Anywhere But Here...
Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Meeting
Director: Like all of my meetings, I don't have an agenda. I like to just let people talk and it usually turns up interesting discussions.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
7AM Things You Should Never Say at Work
Guy: ...and that is why my lack of work ethic is a good thing.
1150 18th Street, NW
Washington, DC
Co-worker: You know, I would be a better employee if I had a better supervisor.
8454 Glenbrook Drive
Olmsted Township, Ohio
Overheard by: Diane Battle
7PM It's Not Walking if You're in a Kangaroo's Pouch
Co-worker #1: How many kilometres in a mile?
Co-worker #2: 1.6.
Co-worker #1: Woo hoo! I've walked over a mile!
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: Well, I'm wearing my daughter's shoes, and now that I've walked a mile in them she'll never be able to tell me I don't understand her again.
223 George Street
Sydney, Australia
6AM There Goes the Whole Function of Language
Businesslady: Where the hell is my charger, did I leave it at the office? I thought I put it in, but...Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk to myself.
TSA lady: Well, that's OK, Sugar. Sometimes we have to talk to ourselves because we're the only ones who can understand.
Sky Harbor Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
6AM I Don't Think Buddha Pondered Much on Office Supplies
Co-worker #1: I hate not having a stapler.
Co-worker #2: But you have a stapler. It's right there.
Co-worker #1: But I don't have a stapler.
Co-worker #2: Are you Zen or something?
Co-worker #1: What do you mean?
Co-worker #2: It's very Zen to have/not have a stapler.
551 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM It's the Official CEO Motto
CEO: A man in my position has a high tolerance for other people's pain.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
6PM Likewise, You're Not an Alcoholic Unless You Quit
Project manager: I mean, it's really not even a bender unless it's affecting your performance at work, now is it?
1620 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
12AM That's Why It Reads "Boss"!
Boss: I don't understand the ramifications of what I'm asking.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM If You Can't Produce, At Least Be An LA Cliche
Producer guy #1: She's just awful.
Producer guy #2: And it's not like she's smokin' hot!
Producer guy #1: Yeah, if you can't act at least be smoking hot.
10201 West Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
6AM She's Got a Point
Vice President: All that matters is I'm rich with a big dick.
64 Bluxome Street
San Francisco, California
4PM One Man's Cubicle Cell is Another Man's Throne
Coworker: I am so not type A. No ambition! Woo hoo!
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12AM Not Even If It Ends Up Here?
NYU Professor: Being a visiting professor has its good points: I don't give a shit what I say!
19 University Place
New York, NY
12PM Unions: Your Guarantee of Quality
A maintenance guy hangs up a picture and tells his assistant: That should stay up till it falls down.
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
12PM Phases of Arrogance, Idiocy and Ignorance
Coworker: Those people in the Tsunami, they deserved to die. They were being greedy, collecting fish from the sea...they should have known there are three phases of a Tsunami.
60 Livingston Avenue
St. Paul, Minnesota
12AM Strategy: Never Losing Sight of Your Goals
Project Manager: Wegman's was voted the #1 company to work for in America.
Sales VP: Really?
Project Manager: Yeah. Do you know what their slogan is? "Employees first, customers second."
Engineer: Well, we've been putting customers second for years!
Sales VP: Actually it's customers second, employees third, and we don't know what the first is.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Anti-semitism at Work (Pun!)
Counselor #1: Why is it that we didn't get a snow day today? For Christ's sake there's only five kids here!
Counselor #2: Because this place is a conspiracy, like the one in Hollywood.
2375 E. 23rd Street
Brooklyn, New York
