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2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People
Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.
Ringwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: cps
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
12PM Is Ellen on Fire?
CSR on phone: May I speak with Ellen*?
Other line: Who?
CSR on phone: Ellen.
Other line: Ellen? This is a fire station. It doesn't ring a bell.
14610 IH 10 West
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: kelynsh
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
5PM If You Show Up Dressed As Barney Again, We Will Light Your Tail on Fire
Coworker on phone: Just wear your own clothes.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: DC Diva
1PM But Don't You Need to Know My Lineage?
Caller: Yes, I would like to confirm my reservation for tonight. My surname is Tango Anglo-Saxon, Newfoundland--
Receptionist: Um, sir, you lost me at 'Tango.' Can I just have the first three letters of your last name?
Kinzie and State Streets
Chicago, Illinois
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
11AM It's the Stooges, on Conference Call
Tech on phone: Hello, sir, I'm calling to-- Yes, hello, this is Aaron* from-- Yes, hello, I'm calling to verify an order you placed wi-- Don't say 'hello' again! I know you can hear me!
216 Mitch Lane
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
2PM And All of My Hose Jokes Were Already Exhausted
Older lady on phone: I don't have any gorillas today! (Pause) No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny.
Hose parts corporate office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Hiding in my cube
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
1PM In Totally Unrelated News, My Voodoo Doll Works
Office peon on phone: Hey, you know what? I have even more Earth-shattering news for you. Apparently Paula Abdul broke her nose this weekend trying to step over her Chihuahua!
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: I to the Sac
12PM Next Time, Aim Lower Than a Police Car
Woman on phone: What do you mean, you never thought you would get caught in a stolen car?!
Columbia Business Park
Columbia, South Carolina
9AM Neither -- I'm Running Ubuntu Linux
Coworker on phone: Do you have a Mac or a real computer?
Bowling Green, Ohio
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
10AM Pick Up! I Know You're There!
Coworker on cell when it starts ringing: Oh, crap. I think I just called myself.
Rockville, Maryland
1PM They Seem to Follow You around the Room
Coworker on phone: But he always says, 'I can't dance, I can't dance...' No, it's because his breasts jiggle around when he swings his hips, and he's so insecure about his breasts. That's why he can't meet any girls -- his breasts move whenever he dances.
Austin, Texas
11AM He's the Go-To Guy for Reproduction Problems
Receptionist on door intercom: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay [hangs up]. Bob*, a guy from RICO is here to service you.
Hangar Place
Allentown, Pennsylvania
12PM I Got Bored of Throwing Pencils Up There
Wifey on phone: Why didn't you answer your cell phone?
Office peon: I can't answer my cell phone! It's in the ceiling!
Wifey: What do you mean, 'it's in the ceiling'?
Office peon: Exactly what you fucking think I mean! It's in the fucking ceiling!
5900 Howard Street
Skokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
11AM It's Good to Get the Roles Sorted Out before the Hooker Arrives
Boss on phone: Yeah, I'll bring the bottle of wine tomorrow... No, the plan is you make fun of my gout and then tease me with the bottle... Okay, great, see you then.
2694 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Covert Kitten
5PM I Need a Break from Listening to My Wife Go on about It
Employee on phone: Yeah, you know, my dad died last weekend, which is a good thing... Hey, you wanna go fishin'?
Mesa, Arizona
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM The War's Gonna Get Expensive If We Have to Care for the Injured
Female suit on cell: I can't understand why they couldn't just fix him up there in Baghdad... It was only his arm... And it was still attached!
North Charleston, South Carolina
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
9AM Otherwise You May Call Back
Employee: Okay, I'm going to hang up now, but I want you to continue talking.
524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
10AM Kinda Like Alien Vs. Sexual Predator
Girl on cell: Did I show my tits? Well, I know what that means. If a guy dreams about a girl he knows and she's naked, then it doesn't mean that he, you know, likes her or wants to fuck her. It means that he cherishes her. Yeah, really. [Long pause.] Well, I don't know what that means. That's the weirdest dream I ever heard.
University of Colorado
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Amused Psych Prof
10AM I've Never Felt So Free -- or So Brittle
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina...
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
5PM Either Provide It, or They Go on American Idol
Woman on phone with son: Jason*! Jason! I can't talk to you now. I'm in a meeting... I know I'm always in a meeting... I can't try not to schedule meetings when you get out of school. Yes, you can talk to me for three hours when I get home... I can't listen to what happened to you today, Jason! Don't call me back, do you hear me, Jason?! [Hangs up phone. It rings again.] Oh my god, why do kids need attention?!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
2PM Great, Now I Have to Explain to Her What Football Is
Young man #1: Would you rather take a shit right here in the mall and get arrested and laughed at, or have Mike Ditka sit on your face?
Young man #2: Dude, I'm on the phone... No, Mom, that was just some guy... Mike Ditka is an old football coach, Mom... No, he's not here, he's in Hollywood or somethin'.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM I Just Want Permission, I Don't Care Whose
Blonde on cell: Yeah, well, I didn't think I could either 'cause I was on those antibiotics, but he said I could, so that's cool.
Elevator, large insurance company
Bloomington, Illinois
Overheard by: even that was too much information for me
3PM My Name's Trevor and I'm an Engineer. Hi, Trevor!
Woman on phone: He gave me a book of his own poetry that he'd had published and everything! But he's not a total fairy, though... He used to be an engineer.
Westmead
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: every3rdthought
2PM If You Wanted to Know If I Found You Attractive, Bob, All You Had to Do Was Ask.
Receptionist: Thank you for calling ABC Company*. How may I assist you?
Caller: Is Bob*, Tom*, or Larry* available?
Receptionist: Yes, sir, all three are available. Do you have a preference?
Caller: Sexual?
Receptionist: [Long, awkward silence.] No, sir, I meant do you have a preference for who you'd like to speak to?
Caller: Um... Just pick whoever's cutest and makes more money.
Receptionist: Ummm... Okay... It's a pleasure to connect you...
16th Street and L Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here...
4PM They're Good Mostly for Office Supplies
Guy on phone waiting for other end to pick up: If I'm going to get caught embezzling, it's not going to be at a nonprofit-- [other end picks up] --Hi, Deborah*!
San Francisco, California
12PM Omagah, Bethany, Have You Seen The Trees Run Red?
Coworker on phone: Teenagers... Vampires... Trees and rain... I'm sold.
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Unless I Find Out He's a Jets Fan
Sales rep on phone: I don't want to go see that doctor. He misdiagnosed and killed my grandfather... But he is my neighbor... Okay, I'll see him.
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: eric
9AM They're a Tough Audience
Coworker on phone: Well, while you're waiting you should warm up the manatee.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM No Peace, but a Sword for You, My Friend
Coworker on phone: Jesus told me if you come over to fuck you up.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jesus Freak
9AM ... For Less Than $2.99 a Minute
Boss on phone: Hi! I just wanted to call and see if you were all sparkly from all that fairy dust I sprinkled on you. You are? That's so hot!
Underling: I should so not be hearing this.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM Well Played, Gang
Project manger: From now on all of the questions are going to be rhetorical.
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: You know what rhetorical means, don't you?
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: Anyway...
Fairfax, Virginia
12PM It's the Next Class after Walking and Chewing Gum
Telephone grunt #1: There was someone pooping in the hallway?
Telephone grunt #2: That's what she said! Hold on, I'm going to call her. [Calls non-telephone-based grunt] She was pooping and walking? In the garage? Okay. I guess I just had to hear it again to believe it.
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Technically You'll Be Wearing All Black and Shimmying Up the Trellis
Investigative journalist on phone: Honey, please, you've got to get me those records. Without them we don't have a story! In order to do this story, I really need you to get me those records, honey. I know you have access to them... Well, no, you won't technically be lying to the police.
TV news show
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities
Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.
1270 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian
4PM I Think I'll Keep Him
Female agent on phone: You gonna have supper ready when I get home? I don't care... Fine, chicken. Fried chicken. Whatever, get your ass in the kitchen and make me some fried chicken. Just shut up and go make me some chicken, I'll be home in an hour [hangs up]. My husband is so whipped.
Evans Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Going Gay
1PM I'll Show You a Graph When We Get Home
Attorney on phone: Hi, sweetie. I'm going to come pick you up after school tomorrow to take you to your appointment... Well, Mommy was going to, but she's too important to leave the office, and I'm not that important, so I can leave.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
1PM I Just Call Random Numbers to Keep People on the Level
Guy on phone: You gotta fuckin' tone it down, dude. I'm a fuckin' salesman, and I'm tellin' you, you gotta fuckin' tone it down. I like you. I'm tellin' you this because I like you.
Guy on speaker: Thanks.
Guy on phone: But you gotta fuckin' tone it down.
Guy on speaker: Could you please tell me what this is in regards to?
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM He Wants You to Do for Him What Was Done for Travolta
Drone on phone: Slammed, yeah. This new account is kicking my ass. Why is Burt Reynolds coming? I thought he was dead.
Braselton, Georgia
10AM Because I'm Not Doing That Until after We're Married
Girl: Is this gonna be one of those phone conversations where you talk to yourself for 10 minutes and I just kinda listen?
Student Union, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
5PM And All Pointing in the Right Direction
Woman on phone: Well, it'll be nice to have teeth in your mouth again.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
12PM I'll Pipe Some Random Noises into Your Earpiece
Admin on speaker: Can I please have the Electronics department?
Sears rep: Okay, hold for a while.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
4PM Too-Much-Information Technology
Coworker: Thank you for calling ABC Tech Support*. Can I have your name, please? ... While we're waiting for the information to come up in our system, you wouldn't happen to know how they execute their criminals in China...? I just ask because I heard that they sell the organs of condemned criminals over there.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Glad I wasn't on the phone at the time
4PM You Have to Cut Out Sugar
Guy on phone: Slim-Fast doesn't work if you eat half a cake every night.
Stratford, Connecticut
10AM Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Attorney: Oh, god, not her. She is an insufferable hag. Tell her I'm not in the office.
Temp on phone: I'm sorry, ma'am, he's out of the office... Well, I apologize, but he's not here right now... Yes, I'm aware that lying to another attorney is unethical... Ma'am, you did not hear his voice in the background... No, I'm telling you, he's not here... Well, how do you know that was his voice? Couldn't it have been an intern or another attorney? ... Well if it sounded like him, who's to say his son isn't visiting today and that's whose voice you heard? Yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you.
Attorney: So... Have you considered law school?
Long Island law firm
Long Island, New York
12PM Choke First, Ask Questions Later
Woman on phone: So, are we talking about the left-hand chicken, or the one o'clock chicken?
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM It Wasn't an Open-Floor Test
Teacher on phone with parent: Mrs. Jones*, I'm not saying Billy* cheated. All I'm saying is he had a sheet of paper with the answers to the test on the floor under his desk, and every few minutes he leaned over and looked at it. And I don't allow that kind of studying.
Bayport, New York
2PM 0 People Found This Advice Helpful
Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I'm on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Dude, Turn off the iPod
Coworker on speakerphone with messenger center: Last name is Baratta.
Messenger center: Spell it.
Coworker: B-A-R-A-T-T-A.
Messenger center, repeating: P-V-R-G-G-A?
Coworker: ... What does that even spell?!
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Davey
4PM It's Just How Things Are Aboard the Pequod
VP yelling into phone: If I have the whale, then I'm king! Everyone has to follow me!
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
5PM You Win This Round, My Evil Queen
Chick: Hello?
Dude: Hey.
Chick: Take me off speakerphone!
Dude: [Picks up phone] Don't order me around like that!
Chick: Ha, ha... I like how you took me off speakerphone first and then told me not to order you around.
Dude: You are such a princess... Am I on speakerphone?
Chick: Yup.
Dude: Jerk.
403 & Highway 10
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: who's the boss?
11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?
Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.
150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box
10AM I Want to Know Why I Called You
Manager: Excuse me, sir, do you have me on speakerphone?
Guy: No, you have me on speakerphone!
Manager: Oh, look at that. Sorry, this is a bad connection -- are you on a cell phone?
Guy: Yes, you called my cell phone.
Manager: Oh, right. Do you have a desk phone I can call?
Guy: No, you called my cell because I am not in the office. Now, what do you want?!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Is He Serious?
2PM That's the Coroner Office
Boss on phone: No, no, no, the corner office. Not the one with the goat beard!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Waiter, I'll Have the Couch Potato with a Side of Gullible
Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
Caller: How long will that take?
CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
Caller: What?
CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
Bradford Drive
Huntsville, Alabama
2PM Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would've come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn't so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?
Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: brian
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
12PM He Spells 'Foxtrot' with a 'Ph'
Employee: Thanks for calling iTransact, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like to cancel my account, please.
Employee: No problem, sir. Can I have your name, please?
Customer: Yes, it's 'Frank.' That's 'F' as in 'Frank,' R-A-N-K.
Farmington, Utah
4PM My Colleagues' Hatred Keeps Our Marriage Spicy
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, no, dammit! I swear, I'm going to hang up -- I mean it, I'm going to hang up. No. No. No! Dammit, I said I am going to hang up!
Coworker #2 walks over, removes phone, slams it down: There, now we can all get back to our lives!
Coworker #1 redials: Sorry baby, some crazy twat I work with is having a bad day... What? What?! No! No! No! Dammit, I hate you! I'm hanging up!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM For a Telemarketer Who Has an IQ above 70, Press '2'
Homeowner answering telephone: Hola.
Telemarketer, in broken English: I am calling to tell you about a new calling plan...
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer: Do you speak English?
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer, speaking very slowly: Then I will speak English very slowly to you.
Homeowner: No habla Ingles, adios.
921 South Irby Street
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: Dun Ben Ther
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM You Should Have Had a Few Spares
Administrator on phone: Yeah, my cat passed away last Sunday. I put him in a paper bag and put it out on the curb for... for trash pick-up... What else could I do? Can't put him in the back yard. Yeah, I gotta get a new place. I can't stand the mice anymore.
Department of Education, 65 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Emma
11AM ... Which, Here at the Haagen-Dazs Quality-Control Division, We View As an Asset
Woman on phone: Yes, thank you -- she has an excessive licking problem.
East Sprague
Spokane, Washington
9AM Mariah Carey?
Coworker on phone: Quick, think of a biracial vegetable!
Seattle, Washington
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls
Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
2PM Neo Has Trouble with the Matrix Again
Sales guy on phone: Yeah, we need to quantitate that. Mmm-hmmm. Well, I can't make ends meet of this spreadsheet.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
4PM Um, I Was Distracted?
Man screaming into cell and gesturing at the wall: I'm beneath the fucking girl with her fucking panties around her ankles! How could you miss me?!
Outside civil courthouse
Miami-Dade, Florida
Overheard by: also standing beneath the coppertone ad
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
1PM What a Fulozer
CSR on phone: And what size product do you have?
Customer: Where do I find that?
CSR: It should be on the front of the label, probably on the bottom.
Customer: No, it's not there. All it says there is 'Eight fulozos.'
CSR: Uh... Do you mean 'Eight fluid ounces'?
Customer: No... It says 'Fulozos.'
1905 Aston Avenue
Carlsbad, California
4PM ... I Seem to Have Lost Possession of It
Cell phone technician: This is Mariah*, how can I help you?
Customer: Yes ma'am, I just bought the Sony Exorcism phone, and...
7111 N Prince Street
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: it's a sony ERICSSON!!!! LMAO
11AM Reagan: The Hidden Diaries
Employee on phone: Did you poop? Did you poop today? Will you poop with me when I get home? Okay, we'll poop together when I get home.
New York, New York
4PM Sure, Just Wad it up so it Fits Through Those Little Holes in the Phone
Customer: Do I have to pay for that over the phone?
Customer service agent: Yes, ma'am.
Customer: Do you take cash?
Glenwood Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: suse
4PM She Was Breast-Feeding, You Sicko
Coworker on phone: And I like them already, they seem pretty cool. Nothing like starting my day with a cute chick showing me her boob.
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i wanna see!
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM You Know That Rumor That Iron Filings Are Better Than Cocaine?
Man on cell: What made you stick a magnet up your nose?
5th & Jackson Streets
Topeka, Kansas
3PM I Just Hate Being Held Accountable for My Actions
CSR: Thanks for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Client on phone: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger* and we lost connection. Maybe you can finish walking me through whatever.
CSR: Sir, we do not have a Roger. You were just talking to me. We didn't lose connection. You hung up on me and I was walking you through understanding that our software does not do "whatever."
Eighth Floor, Galleria
Hoover, Alabama
11AM Please Hold It Up So I Can See It
CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I'm calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.
3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.
Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Who's on (Safety) First?
Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
3PM I Will Now Return to My Reverie, Already in Progress
Lawyer on phone: Ya know, I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying, but I am leaning towards agreeing with you.
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: IWNDRY
10AM I Still Say Mother Teresa Was a Rock Star
Manager on phone: She was a nun. No, she was a nun! She was a nun! She was! She was a nun! A nun!!
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM He's Fated to Become the Regional Manager
Employee: Fuck you very much for calling Blockbuster; how may I abuse you?...Oh, hi, Bill* [regional manager]...Yeah, today's my last day.
Blockbuster
Del Mar, California
Overheard by: Petyr
9AM How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid's Out of Diapers
Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you'd expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma'am. Can I put you on hold?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: only hernia-ed it
4PM Then I Got to Thinking That Maybe I Am Julie and Don't Know It
Co-Worker: Hello?
Voice on phone: Is Julie there?
Co-Worker: No. I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Co-Worker: No problem.
Phone immediately rings again.
Co-Worker: Listen, man, you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Are you sure this is your number? I checked, and this is the same number that my friend Julie gave me. Could you call your number and ask her to call me back?
Co-Worker: Sure, just as soon as I get off the phone with you. [Hangs up phone] Jackass.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM Get This Man a Job at Starbucks!
Math genius on the phone: It doesn't really matter to me. It's, like, 12 of one or half a dozen of the other.
333 2nd Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Over-qualified, obviously
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
10AM Yet Probably Just as Accurate
Receptionist: Hello, Ruddman* Media International...Excuse me? A heat index? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about...Ruddman Media International...No, no this is not the weather channel.
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
10AM We're Flying One in From St. Petersburg
Female employee on phone: ...will you outsource the foreskin?
18th Street & Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mikey Z
9AM God, I Hate Snobs
Co-Worker on phone: I do not want to poop in my pants!...I'm way too fucking classy for that.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
12PM Guy's a Total Psycho. I Broke up With Him Months Ago, But He Won't Stop Calling.
Intern, answering phone: Good afternoon, Science Committee...Mike*, Buzz Aldrin is on the line.
Mike*, rolling his eyes: Oh shit.
Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC
4PM And He Won't Be. Until the Next Time.
Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I've said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again...
2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
12PM If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You're on the Right Track
Employee: Someone just called me. They said, "Hello," and asked if I could help them because they had a question. I didn't know what to do, so I said, "No," and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that's one way of handling it.
US Patent and Trademark Office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Why Me?
9AM How Do You Think I Got This Job?
Producer, on phone: I don't know how to make this more clear: Eat the bugs! You have to eat the bugs! Open your mouth, plug your nose, and shove the bugs in your mouth!
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
3PM Somehow, Terminated in Tulsa Doesn't Quite Have the Right Ring for Schwarzenegger's Next Vehicle
Co-Worker, on phone: When were the children terminated?...Were they terminated here in Tulsa? I'll need to see a copy of that order.
41st and Mingo
Tulsa, Oklahoma
2PM Wow, Looking Great! You've Lost a Lot of Static!
Employee, talking to a customer on the phone: It's great to hear a friendly face!
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kyle Ahrens
3PM This Just In: Bon Jovi Fires Insurance Agent
Insurance agent on phone: Garbage? You said garbage? But if it's garbage, why would you need to insure garbage??
East Little Creek Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: kim
12PM His Next Call Is to Napa Auto Parts to Make Dinner Reservations
Hostess: Thank you for calling Napa 29, how can I help you?...I'm sorry, sir, this is a restaurant, not an auto parts store...No sir, this is not Napa Auto Parts...No, sir...Sir, this is a restaurant. I don't know how much a carburetor costs...Sir, I really don't...Three hundred dollars and eighty nine cents...Yes, sir. Have a nice evening.
280 Teller Street, Suite 130
Corona, California
Overheard by: Sara
10AM Lyle's Mistake Was Planning the 12-Days-of-Christmas Diorama from Memory
Co-worker on the phone: Really? And he had six donkeys?
1400 Lacey Boulevard
Hanford, California
Overheard by: suzanne
3PM It's When Stuff Starts Migrating From Salt Lake City That We Have a Problem
Person on phone: "My bad" is out in Salt Lake City? Really? I'm just laughing because my son says that all the time. Do you guys say, "snap," too?
401 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Listening In
10AM Disingenuousness Is Part Of My Professional Persona
Receptionist, on phone: Ocean View* Escrow
Processor: Darlene* please.
Receptionist: She's on the other line. Would you like to hold?
Processor: I'd love to.
Receptionist: Really?
Processor: Not big on sarcasm, are you?
1950 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Matt
2PM I Wondered What James Stockdale Was Up To These Days
Operator: Thank you for calling Bayshore Medical Insurance*; how can I assist?
Caller: So who are you?
Operator: We're an insurance company.
Caller: And what do you do?
Operator: We help you with your insurance.
Caller: I don't understand.
Operator: Well, your boss gives you benefits for working there, and our job is to help you use your benefits.
Caller: I don't have any benefits! I never signed up for this! Did my boss tell you to call me? Is he trying to set me up? Who told you to call me?
Operator: Sir, you called me.
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: The Man
12PM Where's Bob Barker When You Need Him?
Woman on the phone in the HEAT assistance office: I can't talk right now, I'm in HEAT.
533 East 26th Street
Ogden, Utah
Overheard by: I see it Now
5PM It's 'Mothyr-Fuckynge' in the Constitution
Person on phone, in next cube: Does "motherfucking" have a hyphen in it?...Well, in all these criminal cases I see "motherfucking" without a hyphen and spell-check doesn't recognize it.
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Snorting coffee out my nose
1PM It's Like Falling in Love All Over Again!
Employee on phone: I was picking a booger out of my nose before and lost it, and I didn't know where it went and I just found it on my finger.
390 Sixth Street
Huntington, New York
2PM What Else Am I Supposed to Do with a Tongue This Long?
Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!
810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York
2PM So THAT's How It Is In Their Family
Nurse on phone: I'm sorry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you... Uh huh... Well, we can't make a patient talk to someone on the phone... I'm sorry, that's what she said. You're her husband, right? Oh, you're her mother! Just a moment, please.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM Crystal Ball
Boss on phone with IT: How do I see my future emails?
1246 Princeton Street
Akron, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Employee on phone: Wait, let me read you the email he sent out this morning: "Just a reminder that today, like every Friday, is acquittals day. So acquit, acquit, acquit away, and keep the frightening audits at bay." Yep, poetry...See? This is why I'm leaving.
Elizabeth Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Tigertail
10AM Brainstorming Session
Creative director on phone: Maybe the guy goes up and kicks the bear in the balls...I don't know.
111 E. Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
2PM Sexual Harassment
Secretary: So, the next time you shut the door to take one of your sex calls, I'm going to nail it closed!
311 Main Road
Point Mugu, California
Overheard by: mookie
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: What time does she get in?...That's kind of late. I'll leave Lydia* with my mom, no reason to drag her all they way to the airport and back. Maybe we can find some place to have sex in the car on the way down there...Maybe I shouldn't say stuff like that when I don't have a ceiling or real walls.
333 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Call Transfer
Coworker #1: A lady just called wanting to speak to someone who knows Korean.
Coworker #2: Uh, oh. No one here does. So, what did you do?
Coworker #1: I transferred her over to the Ukrainian Village Branch. Ukrainia is near Korea, right?
7000 County Line Road
Burr Ridge, Illinois
4PM Technical Meltdown
Boss on phone: I just want a human beeeeeeing! Bahhh! Why can't I just have a human being?...Oh thank god!Finally! A human being! Wait, you are a human being, right?...You haven't gotten this before?
2810 Blaine Drive
Chevy Chase, Maryland
1PM System Overload
CSR on phone: Help desk, this is James*.
[pause]
CSR: I am sorry, this is the PC and phone help desk. Sounds like you need the facilities help desk if a toilet is stopped up.
[pause]
CSR: Okay sir, I understand, but you need facilites, not the help desk.
[long pause]
CSR: Okay, is it a Windows toilet or a Unix toilet?
Customer, now on speakerphone: Well, there are no windows in this bathroom, so I guess it must be a Unix toilet.
CSR: Okay, I will get a Unix toilet specialist there as soon as we can. Which building and bathroom is it?
[pause]
CSR: Thanks.
[CSR hangs up]
CSR back on phone: Hello, facilities? This is James at the PC help desk. Yeah, I have a doozy for you...try not to laugh...
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
12PM Lunch
Woman on phone: Mom, tell my brother that if he doesn't pick up his car, I'm gonna have it towed.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want it parked in front of my house.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want to advertise to the entire neighborhood that black people live here.
465 Main Street
Charlestown, Massachusetts
11AM Parts Check
Coworker #1: I asked for the parts manager, and she said 'Jerry.' I said, 'Terry?' And she said 'No, J, as in Jerry.'
Coworker #2: That's ridiculous.
Coworker #1: Well, she's in California.
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HellKitty_01
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Listen, there's a lot to be said for being punched in the face.
1020 19th Street NW
Washington DC
Overheard by: I just work here
10AM Conference Call
Coworker on the phone: I've been doing the balls and it's been working.
6412 Maple
Westminster, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech support: Can you tell if it's an Ethernet cable or a phone cable?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Well, if you hold it up to the cable attached to your phone and you look at the plug, if it looks the same, you've got a phone cable. If it's bigger, it's probably Ethernet.
Customer: Oh cool. Let me look.
Tech support: WAIT! [dial tone]
711 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Technical Know-How
Boss on phone: Wait, wait, wait, does your computer have Google on it? Yeah, just type it in there.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
11AM Tech Support
Customer rep on phone: No, ma'am. I'm sorry but I can't come to your room and fix your equipment....because I'm not on the third floor. I'm in Denver and you're in San Francisco.
11400 Westmoor
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: losing patience
1PM Conference Call
Call leader: Whoever has your phone on hold, please take us off hold. We can hear the music.
151 Major Reynolds Place
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: mba
11AM To Hear Your Messages
Voicemail: Hello, this is Joe* from engineering, I'm having a problem with my computer, and was told you could help me out. It appears that there is a problem with my fixed dick...er, ficked disk, fisk dick.
[pause]
FIXED DISK.....
4747 Harrison Avenue
Rockford, Illinois
3PM Assessing Workflow
Consultant on phone: Is a part of the transition plan cloning yourself?
330 University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
2PM Processing Payroll
Owner's wife on phone: Where are the timesheets?
Girl who was just fired: They are in my hands right now.
Owner's wife: Where are you?
Girl: What do you mean where am I? I'm at your office, you called me here!!
3202 Vie Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
2PM Expanding Customer Base
Phone rings in spare office
Employee answers: Mc-J Advertising.
Psycho/prank caller: I can't take it anymore because of bitches like you!!
Employee hangs up phone. Phone rings again.
Employee: Mc-J Advertising.
Psycho/prank caller: You bitch! You make me want to kill myself! I can't take it anymore!!
Employee: Sir, this is an advertising agency. If you want to advertise your suicide, we can help you with that. Otherwise, you have the wrong number.
205 Brazos
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Valeri Marquart
1PM Following Up on Fax
Admin on phone: I'm sorry I just wanted to double check that you received it. I am a bit of a wigger.
Pause.
Admin: Wigger? You know, I wig out about stuff.
Pause.
Admin: No, I don't know another meaning to the word wigger, but I guess it's bad since your're telling me not to say it.
333 Earle Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
3PM Call Center
CSR: So then he goes, "This is Motorola, right? Because with that voice of yours, for a second there, I thought I called the wrong number" oh, but it didn't stop there...he keeps on with "you know, like, a 900 number, right?" I mean, eww...I did not need to know that.
1301 East Algonquin
Schaumburg, Illinois
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech on phone in next cube: How can I help you? ... Uh huh. Well like it said in the doc, you have to name the files alphabetically for that to work. ... Alphabetically means from A to Z. ... No, sir, you can't name one file code_abc and the next one code_aba, a is before c... Yes, abz would work. ... Numbers come before letters. ... You're welcome. [hangs up phone] Fuck this shit, I can't even smoke it. I'm going home!
800 S Canal Street
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work (Or Not)
Voicemail: Please state your name and excuse for absence.
Employee: I'm too drunk to drive.
167 3rd Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy on phone: Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the fax?
Pause
Guy on phone: Well I specifically wrote on the fax cover sheet, "If you don't get this, call me."
265 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ray Del Savio
1PM Number Crunching
Employee: Do you have the budget?
Executive: Yeah, I just don't know where Dingle Farts put it, you know, Marcus*.
Employee: You know you're on speakerphone, right?
Pause
Employee and executive erupt in laughter.
Pause
Executive: He's right there, isn't he? He's always right there, lurking...
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to Work
Hosting rep: Alright sir, I reset your password so you can log in.
Pause
Hosting rep: Are you ready for it now?
Pause
Hosting rep: Ok sir, it's all capital letters... It is I-D-1-0-T.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
4PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: Hello? Hi honey. Yes? No, no. Mayonnaise. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? M. A. Y. O. N. N. A. I. S. E. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Okay, see you tonight.
1150 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Clueless coworker on voicemail: Hello? [pause] Heelllooo?
Hmmm... [click]
13155 Noel Road
Dallas, Texas
10AM Call Center
CSR: Seriously, when you think you've gotten the weirdest call you could get...someone calls about a conch shell.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Lindroid
1PM Customer Service
CSR on phone with client: Yes sir, just click on the bl-b!
CSR: I'm terribly sorry, sir, my manager just hit me in the face with a beachball.
40 King Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Call on Line One
Receptionist: [Jake] from Queer Image is on line one for you.
Coworker: [Jake] from where?
Receptionist: Queer Image.
Coworker: Queer Image?
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Coworker, giggling, picks up call: [Jake], what company did you say you were calling from? Ohhhhh, CLEAR Image.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: She cracks me up, and she's not even trying
11AM Personal Call
Coworker: Quit calling me at work, grandma!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
2PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: You live in the country, they were there first! If you didn't want any animals you should have lived in the city!
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
12PM Lunch
Suit on cell to his niece: Did I hear you scored five goals in your last game? Do you have any idea how grateful to me you should be for your athletic ability?
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
9AM Back to Work
Tech support guy on phone: Hi, I was wondering if you had a hair dryer?
...No, I have a meeting in about an hour, and I spilled coffee on my pants, and I don't want to go this meeting with wet pants.
...I figured since you have such beautiful hair that you probably have a hair dryer.
...Well, thanks anyway, but a curling iron is probably not going to work.
160 Rio Robles
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Mitch Shiver
11AM Personal Call
CSR on phone with daughter: My mom never picked me up when I had cramps. You're staying at school. Period.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Get Answers
Manager on phone: So I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to hate me for not knowing the answer. [pause] That was below the belt. [pause] It's child protection. [pause] Annnyways, I was wondering...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
10AM Checking Specs
Web designer on phone: It says "new as of date." What does "as of" mean?
1800 Ninth Avenue
Seattle, Washington
10AM Tech Support
Tech support rep: ...the accelerator card. No, the one connected to your array. OK, uplug that.
Pause
Tech support rep: OK, are you grounded?
Pause
Tech support rep: OK, gently pull it from the slot.
Pause
Tech support rep: Now lick it.
Pause, snickering, then slight panic.
Tech support rep: No sir. I was just kidding.
290 Donald Lynch Blvd.
Marlborough, Massachusetts
Overheard by: James McCabe
1PM Personal Call
Man on cell: You're just a social maggot. [Sweetly] Just a social magnet, that's what I meant to say.
2 Clock Tower Place
Maynard, Massachusetts
3PM Vendor Call
Co-worker #1, speaking loudly on headset phone: Well, yeah, I can totally relate to backlog problems! I mean during that refi boom we were just wall to wall with boxes full of papers. We were up to our necks in papers! If the fire marshal would've come in here, I'm pretty positive that he would've shut us down!
Co-worker #2: Should he really be saying that to our vendors?
Co-worker #3: Well, if we ever get closed down due to our vendors calling the fire department on us, at least we'll know who to thank for the days off.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
9AM Back to Work
Engineer: I have this weird beeping signal on my phone. Do I need to dial a 1 when calling this number?
Tech support guy takes the phone and hits redial.
Tech support guy: No. That is a busy signal.
5032 South Ash Avenue
Tempe, Arizona
3PM Conference Call
Guy on phone: We got new digs over here! Yeah, we moved out of the building with all the hot woman and into a big corporate building!
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
11AM Tech Support
Woman on cell: Well, when I get to my office, I'll turn on my computer and run through what you did, to see what may be wrong with your computer. [pause] No, Mom, I can't get onto your computer from my computer.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
9AM Back to Work
Employee on phone: Yeah, I'm leaving early today...Because if I don't, I'll kill someone. No, I mean it, someone will literally die at my hands, so I figure I'm helping out the company by leaving early.
900 Commonwealth Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Supervisor on phone: ...I dunno where. You like Korean food? Of course you do, you're one of them.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
11AM Return Calls to Clients
Co-worker on phone: Uh yes, this is [Brett Myers} with the Mortgage Company. It's Wednesday, 10:30 AM...I'm sorry! It's just that...well, you sounded like a voicemail voice.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker on phone: When she goes to a restaurant, does she normally take it off?...Does she normally read the newspaper?...And the pouch, were you able to stick your hands all the way down in the back?
37383 Six Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next Door Nancy
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: No ma'am, I cannot get the part to you today. If I could beam myself to your house and deliver the part myself, I would. But since I can't, you will have to wait for overnight shipping.
553 Benson Road
Benton Harbor, Michigan
11AM Monitor Calls
Junior Help Desk Agent: Nothing makes her happy. All she does is complain. I would hate to be her husband.
Senior Help Desk Agent: Uh, Joe, that is the speakerphone button, not the on-hold button.
User on speaker: Do you think you can stop ranting and help "the bitch" now?
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: EL Gee
4PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Excuse me, I'm not a woman I am a man and you are being very nasty...I'm not yelling at you; do you want me to yell at you?
1650 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Monitor Calls
Customer Service Specialist on phone: No, sir. You just had a credit line increase yesterday...Well, sir. That's how the potato chips.
Customer Service Specialist: ...Damn towelhead.
14700 Citicorp Drive
Hagerstown, Maryland
4PM Update Contacts
Secretary on phone: Hi, I have tried twice now to establish myself as the main contact person for our firm with your company via your online customer service, and it still won't change the name...Yes, and I'm considering legally changing my name to [Nathan Blumenthal] because apparently that would be easier than getting it changed with your printing service.
19 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Conference Call
Employee #1: Okay, we'll send an intern over, then.
Employee #2 on speaker: That'd be great. Do you have any Asians?
250 Park Ave South
New York, NY
11AM Conference Call
Worker #1 on speaker: I was wondering why [Billy] hasn't called me yet.
Worker #2 on speaker: I'll go make sure he calls you this time.
Worker #1 on speaker: Do me a favor and punch him in the kidney as you walk by for me! Make him crap blood for a night so he can think it over.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
2PM Schedule Basic Phone Course
Engineer #1: I just lost that guy.
Engineer #2: Didn't you transfer him up front?
Engineer #1: He'll call back.
The phone rings.
Engineer #1 on phone: Hello? ...Uh, yeah, sorry about that...Here you go.
The phone rings.
9531 Rayne Road
Sturtevant, Wisconsin
11AM Damage Control
Co-worker on phone: I'm sorry, can you say that again?...I'm sorry...I'm having some trouble understanding what you're trying to say...Why don't you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?
Hangs up.
Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country...Christ.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton
2PM Get New Temp
Manager on phone: She'll only be filing and sorting so as long as she doesn't come in drunk and screw up the files, I don't really care about the DUI.
2250 Alcazar Street
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to Work
Worker on cell: Sorry about that. I had a pencil in my hand and when I
put the phone to my head, I stabbed myself in the face.
1950 Summit Park Drive
Orlando, Florida
4PM Call Client
Admin on phone: Hi [Jeff], I've sent you 4 emails and left you 3 messages. Today is my birthday. What I really want for my birthday, more than anything else, is for you to call me back and answer my questions. Thanks. Bye.
10550 N Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
12PM Contact Collections
Attorney on phone: Well, I'm really sorry you're going to jail. But you still need to pay our bill.
110 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Odd
4PM Schedule 2nd Interviews
Worker on phone: I'm sorry, we can't hire you...It's not that, it's just that I don't want to work with you.
3838 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida
1PM Lunch
Boss on phone: Is this the driver who stole money from us and owes me some collard greens?
3451 North Shadeland Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM TGIF
CCR on phone: It's just that he seems to think I'm incompetent. Which, you know, I am, but anyway...
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: [Comtech], accounts receiveable, this is [Brett]...Yes, this is [Comtech]...This is the accounts receivable department, yes...My name is [Brett]...[Brett]!
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Call [Chris]
Receptionist on speaker: I'm sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won't call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don't know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.
5711 East FM-40
Lubbock, Texas
2PM Call Bank
Co-worker on phone: Ma'am, my language will not improve. If a mugger knocked me over the head and stole my wallet, I would speak to him pretty harshly to say the least. So don't expect me to talk professionally to you.
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
4PM Call [Kwok]
Supervisor: Don't forget to call [Kwok]. He's got a couple of huge boxes and I think they're computers.
Admin: Which one is [Kwok]?
Supervisor: The short Asian guy.
Admin on phone: Hi [Kwok], it's [Jane]. I just wanted to let you know you have a huge package.
470 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker on phone: Isn't someone's name Forehand on the committee? It could be Foreskin.
3750 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM She's So Lucky
Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?
3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon
2PM Orientation
CSR: So if someone calls and asks to be transferred to Darryl, I transfer the call to Darryl, right?
51 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Speak with HR
Co-worker on phone: Hello? I need to talk to the Chinese girl...I don't remember her name..."Sing-song", or something like that.
2300 East Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
12PM Get Those Scam Salescalls Blocked
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?...Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that... Here's the name written right here. It's F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U...Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
3PM Order Books
Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!
1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Urgent: Call About Credit Bill
CSR: Could you guys not talk while I'm on the phone?...And could you not breathe either?
1650 Bobali Drive
Harrisburg, Pennsyvania
Overheard by: Erin Spohn
9AM Begin the Seething
Co-worker on phone: How many limbs did he lose?...Ha, ha, ha!...That's awful.
30 South 17th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Order Industrial-strength Lubricant
Engineer on phone: I cracked my first manhole at thirteen.
20 Crosby Drive
Bedford, Massachusetts
10AM File Deposition
Co-worker: Well, if I am being stalked by phone, at least it's by a funny stalker.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Co-worker on phone: Huh? I'm stalking you? How do you know?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
9AM I Wish I Was His Cat
Co-worker on phone: Yeah, my cat died around 2AM, so obviously I worked from home the next day. Yeah...yeah...
22265 Pacific Boulevard
Dulles, Virginia
9AM Client Call
VP Research on phone: Look, I understand you think your project numbers are important, but we have data to suggest you don't need to know them.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
10AM Mail Parcels
Co-worker on phone: Hi. I have an irregular shaped package. Do you have anything special I can wrap it in?
609 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
4PM I'm Going Home Early
Co-worker on phone: ...Yeah, yeah, the shovel. And the hatchet, I'll definitely need a hatchet.
1390 Timberlake Manor Parkway
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Durp
4PM Better Invest in Some Preparation H
Crew chief on phone: Hello?...No, I can't talk right now, my truck is on fire....Okay, I'll call you back. My truck is on fire....Okay, I'll deal with this tonight. My truck is on fire....Okay my truck is on fire, I can't really talk right now....Okay, my truck is literally on fire beneath me, I'll call you back.
303 Second Street West
Brooks, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Shane Parker
5PM Sounds More Like A-hole Than U-Haul
Guy: Why'd you just hang up on 'em?
Girl: I don't wanna talk to her. She'll call back.
Guy: Yeah, but you can't just hang up.
Girl: She wanna make a reservation. It's a waste of time, mine and hers.
Guy: I know, but you can't tell them that!
U-Haul
394 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Matthew Healy
5PM God Loves an Optimist
Employee on phone: Hold on, I'm having a heart attack. I'll call you back.
213 NE 2nd Avenue
Miami, Florida
12PM They've Got the Coroner on Speed-dial
Maintenance guy on cell: There's too many overloaded powerstrips in this building and all of the fire extinguishers are expired...you want me to call somebody?
1040 Old Yellow Creek Road
Vanleer, Tennessee
Overheard by: beth lankford
7AM So is He Bruce Springsteen or Tony Danza?
Speakerphone: So, we're filling out nametags for next week's meeting. What's Randy's title?
Receptionist: Well, he's The Boss.
Speakerphone: Okay, but what's his title?
Receptionist: "The Boss". He's The Boss.
Speakerphone: All right, he's your boss, but what's his title?
Receptionist: He's "The Boss"!
Speakerphone: Oh, well then...um, okay that's great. Thanks for your help.
35555 Garfield Road
Clinton Township, Michigan
Overheard by: Stephanie Saffold
12AM It's Yiddish for "You Are a Retard"
Co-worker on phone: I'm "kvetching"...ha, ha...well, I guess you're kvetching...ha ha ha...we're...ha ha...we're kvetching together...wait, what does "kvetching" mean?
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
6PM Christ's Business Cards Were English-only
Woman on phone: I was supposed to make the business card English on one side and Japanese on the other, and I put Chinese...and I apologize for it, it was dishonest of me...I didn't think anyone would notice...but I'm a Christian person and I don't want to die and go to hell, I'd rather apologize and make it right and go to heaven...I know it's a little thing but I'm a Christian...
2301 South Third Street
Louisville, Kentucky
12PM "Talk Dirty to Me" Said Her Boss
Secretary on phone: I don't feel well...I don't have to poop...I'm not going to throw up either.
3900 Bay City Road
Midland, Michigan
12PM Stupid Lines Ain't Just for Sitcoms
Woman on phone: I'm sorry I don't think I copy. Did you say that you copied me on that copy?
1500 Eckington Pl NE
Washington, DC
12AM Sharks, Snakes, and Legal Eagles Mostly
Worker #1 answers the phone: Hello?...No, this is a law firm. A law firm!
Worker #2: Who did they want?
Worker #1: The SPCA.
Worker #2: Heh.
Worker #1: Although there are a lot of animals working here.
120 West 45th Street
New York, NY
8AM Father of the Year
Investment Banker (on phone): What? Are you sure? I really don't think you are in labor and I have plans...What that means is that I really want to recruit this guy and I am going to continue having drinks with him. Call me in two hours...No, I am not going to meet you at the hospital. These things take forever...I'll be there when it's Go time, not until then.
9 West 57th Street
New York, NY
