5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More

Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!

Bristol
England

Overheard by: Mhlanguli

2PM Where's Your Mommy, Anyway?

Grunt: I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat your head against the wall somewhere else. I have to get on a conference call now.

390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: I know how you feel

5PM He Used to Say "Sausage," but That Led to Trouble

Conductor: Tickets, please... Or in lieu of tickets, breakfast sandwiches will be accepted.

Chicago-bound commuter train

Overheard by: Pirate Alice

4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You

Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!

Burien, Washington

Overheard by: third wheel

5PM At the Science Friction Convention

Announcement over PA: If anyone has taken Maureen's* K-Y Jelly, please return it immediately.

W 66th Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: wondering why its needed

2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It

Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.

The Loop
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Nic

12PM I Never Should Have Bought It That Wii

Male peon muttering to self: Hey, brain -- work! Please work? At least for the next two hours!
Female peon: Are you talking to your brain?
Male peon: Yeah, I'm trying to get it to work.
Female peon: Oh.

8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia

1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?

Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.

Aberdeen
Scotland

Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse

12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse

Chick shoving sandwich at guy: Do you want this?
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?

401 6th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: brooklynhero

2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands

Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!

Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan

11AM People Eat Those?

Coworker #1: Hey, would anyone like one of my canned Vienna sausages?
Coworker #2: Can you suck the jelly off of it first?

Coast Guard Headquarters
Washington, DC

5PM Suzy Goes Predator-Trolling to Amuse Herself

Eight-year-old girl running up to her mother in line: I'm 13, and you don't know me!

JC Penney
Eugene, Oregon

3PM Lube and Oil Change?

Voice on PA: Can we get a customer service in the women's room?

Safeway
Gilroy, California

Overheard by: mind in the gutter

11AM Sure, Hog the Brain Damage

Lab tech finding other scientists spraying glue: Ahhh! Free isocyanates!
Scientist: Get out of here!

Rockland, Maryland

Overheard by: Chemdork

4PM NewsFlash: UPenn School of Social Work Adopts Controversial 'Shut Up' Method, Following Brooklyn's Lead

Social worker to passing ambulances and police cars: Shut up! God.

260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: lora

12PM Wait, If I Just Lock Him in an Empty Room with Some Dog Food in a Bag, I Could Get That New 'Vette!

Mom, pointing to friend's child: Say 'Hello' to Aidan*.
Shy child hiding face in mom's leg: 'Lo.
Mom: If you can't look at him and 'Hello' properly then you can't have swimming lessons. There, I just saved a hundred and fifty dollars!

145 Harlow Street
Bangor, Maine

Overheard by: Kelly

1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend

Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?

4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida

9AM Plausible Deniability

Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?

South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri

Overheard by: Left Lobe

4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil

Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.

Santa Cruz, California

11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push

Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.

98th Street and West End
New York, New York

Overheard by: adrienne

3PM You've Never Asked Permission Before

Coworker to boss: I'm starting to feel like not being nice and not being so understanding to Jennifer*. You'll either have to give me a pep talk about politeness in the workplace, or give me permission to be a bitch.

Wausau, Wisconsin

Overheard by: End of the Rope

3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me

Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.

570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts

5PM Plus, It's the Clearest Dramatization of the Effect of Reaganomics That I Know

Economics professor: Kick me in the rear. I like it.

University of Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: my attention span is price inelastic

4PM Amanda Hugginkiss Had Responded and Was Befuddled by the Accusation

Manager: We've noticed that you haven't responded to the anonymous survey. We'd like your feedback as soon as possible.

32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes

Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!

Manitoba
Canadia

12PM That Depends on How Nice Your Car Is

Coworker: Let's go for a ride. Does your top come off?

150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut

Overheard by: smooth

11AM Tell You What -- Half Price for You. You Can Give the Six Dollars to Me

Girl #1: Ummm, we need to make copies, and we don't want to spend a lot of money.
Student worker: The copier over there is 10 cents, same as everywhere on campus.
Girl #1: That's so expensive!
Student worker: You could also scan the papers and print them out. That's free.
Girl #1: What do you mean?
Student worker: Ummm, you can put them on the scanner, hit 'Scan,' and then when they pop up, hit 'Print.'
Girl #1: I don't know about this whole scanning thing -- it sounds really complicated.
Girl #2: But that sounds better than making copies. I mean, we only need 12, and I don't want to spend 12 dollars.

Campus library, Bemidji State University
Bemidji, Minnesota

3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It

Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.

1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas

10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation

Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.

Centre St
New York

4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up

Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.

Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe

10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot

Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.

401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona

5PM There Are no Stupid Questions...Oh, Wait

Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?

420 Harding
Tennessee

1PM He Gets Smarter When He Drinks

Frat boy: Gimme something like a whiskey sour but dont put Jack Daniels or anything like that in it. I dont like whiskey!
Bartender: Well what you want in it instead of whiskey?
Frat boy: Use Jim Beam, I fucking love Jim Beam!

Evolution Nightclub
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: Melvin

2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs

Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.

3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: i love this place

11AM So Act Like a Robot That Acts Like a Human Being

Woman on phone: Could you please just act like a human being?... Oh, right, I forgot. You're a Transformer.

42nd Street
New York, New York

3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?

Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.

Best Buy
Astoria, New York

3PM After Her Last Album's Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump

Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That's the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I'm a carnie. Carnie!

Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho

Overheard by: They have small hands.

1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed

Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.

50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York

Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow

11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It

First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!

New York, New York

Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid

9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone

Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?

355 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: BiPolar

11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children

Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

9AM 2006: Al Qaeda Reaches Alaska

Admin: Do you need help with anything?
Engineer: Nobody ever asks that here. What are you up to?

Anchorage, Alaska

Overheard by: Overworked

10AM Yeah, They Have All Kinds of Crap

Female suit: This chair is too high. My feet barely touch the floor. I should order a step stool from the Office Supplies Department. Do you have the catalog?
Male suit: They have stool samples in there?

3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory

Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Not the person either

9AM Jeez, You Don't Leave Me Much Room to Maneuver

Co-Worker #1: Hey, I got a new joke. Anyone want to hear it?
Co-Worker #2: Not if it involves poop.
Co-Worker #3: Or chickens.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: disturbed

3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana

Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?

Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.

Avon Target
Avon, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?

Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?

3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland

Overheard by: Ren

9AM The Personal Is Political

Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.

630 East Lake
Chicago, Illinois

1PM Not Why I Went to Law School, But What Are Ya Gonna Do?

Criminal defense attorney: Leave me alone. I have to get back to work.
Peon: Why is that?
Criminal defense attorney: I have a client that might actually be innocent.

39 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois

9AM Maybe 'Shape It Up' Might Have Been More Appropriate

Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No...Actually, yes. I can't find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but...
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]
Girl: Yeah, "Whip it!" [Makes whip crack motion]

Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.

1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas

11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!

Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That's in England, right?

55 Water Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: disbelief

11AM Thought I'd Rob Your Punk Ass, Is Why

Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: No, you don't have it.
Employee: Then why are you still here?

Northgate Mall
Seattle, Washington

2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!

FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.

John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Waiting next in line

10AM Well, an IV, Some Sort of Modified Reciprocal Saw, a Rubber Hand, and a Lot of Lotion Ought to Do the Trick

General manager: Listen, if you guys can find a way for me to whack off another six months, that would be great.

12112 115th Avenue NE
Kirkland, Washington

5PM Are You Sure You Don't Mean Joseph Smith?

Voice over loudspeaker: John Smith, please report to baggage claim to meet your wife and girlfriend. John Smith to baggage claim, meet your wife and girlfriend.

Oakland Airport
Oakland, California

Overheard by: Meg

9AM ...But I've Got to Pay the Coke Bill, So Gimme $50, and We'll Snuggle

Supervisor: So I said to my son, "You want me to cuddle with you?" And he said, "No, Daddy, I've already slept with enough people today."

473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey

Overheard by: office peon

12PM Performance Review Time at the CIA

General manager: I told you to respect your boss. I didn't tell you to obey her orders.

230 North College Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

1PM What Do You Have to Do Around Here to Get Some Freaking Champagne?!

Employee: Can I help you find something?
Customer: I'm looking for a red wine.
Employee: Cabernet, pinot noir, shiraz?
Customer: No, I want a red wine.

1017 East Main Street
Radford, Virginia

2PM All Hell Broke Loose When She Caught Him Reading the Jolly Rancher Label

Mom, to young child: That's just more junk. I'm not going to buy you something to write with. How 'bout I get you some candy instead?

Dollar store
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: it's not all like this

12PM Pretty Much His Deal With God, Too

Boss: I'm pretty much unavailable all afternoon since I have to go to the funeral, but if you really need me, you can call me between the church and the cemetary.

Boston, Massachusetts

9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training

Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.

Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan

Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me

2PM I Thought MDMA Was Something Else

Fundraiser: Hey, man, I need to raise some money for Multiple Dystrophy...[to other guy at table] Yo, man, what does the "A" stand for?

Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon
Miami, Florida

12PM I'm More Interested in the Idea of Cheese

Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!

Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: burger lover

3PM The Crystal Ball Shows Me Outta Here and You Buying Three White Fur Bucket Hats

Admin: Can I go home after we've finished this bit? I don't usually work long Fridays.
Boss: I've got two nephews to buy presents for and then decide what to wear for a pimps and hos party after this, and you think you've got problems?

Woodingdean
Brighton, United Kingdom

10AM Anyway, They're All Too High to Read Mail

Co-Worker: Okay, on the spreadsheet we need the city and postal codes for all of your employees in the Netherlands.
Client: Uh, there's none on file. We just send to "the Netherlands."

3600 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia

Overheard by: jenny from the block

10AM Time Management Improves the Bottom Line

Employee: I'd like a minute to talk with you about my contribution here and my compensation.
Manager: No.

Falls Church, Virginia

Overheard by: GAMA Girl

1PM And I Have Candy

Female worker about to take a walk: You sure you don't want to go with me?
Male worker: No.
Female worker: I'll go topless.

515 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Glad I'm not leaving my cube for another hour

5PM I Heard Otherwise From the Last Guy Who Filled Your Cocoa Slot

Worker #1: They're out of orange juice again.
Worker #2: Yeah, and they haven't refilled the cocoa slot, either.
Worker #1: They're also out of Dr. Pepper.
Worker #3: Well, you could just have the Diet Dr. Pepper.
Worker #1: I'm not an animal!

1166 Sixth Avenue
New York, New York

10AM Disingenuousness Is Part Of My Professional Persona

Receptionist, on phone: Ocean View* Escrow
Processor: Darlene* please.
Receptionist: She's on the other line. Would you like to hold?
Processor: I'd love to.
Receptionist: Really?
Processor: Not big on sarcasm, are you?

1950 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Matt

4PM Also, You Don't By Any Chance Have an Alibi Lying Around?

Worker #1: Hey, man, you got one of them stick stain remover things?
Worker #2: Hell yes I do!
Worker #1: You know if it work on blood?

3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas

5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On

Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.

1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Pirate Wench

1PM He Brought the Pepperoni, Though. (Bow Chicka Bow Bow)

Voice on intercom: Would the person who ordered a pizza please come up front to pay for it? What? Oh! Cancel the last announcement. It is the Fed Ex guy not the pizza guy.

57060 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

2PM What Else Am I Supposed to Do with a Tongue This Long?

Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!

810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York

4PM It's What You Had Before We Bought You the Web Cam

Tween girl: I wonder if these shorts will fit? I'm just going to try them on right here.
Girl's father: Why don't you go in a dressing room, honey? For God's sake, have some modesty.
Tween girl: What's modesty?

Moe's Sport Shop
711 North University
Ann Arbor, Michigan

5PM That's a Wrap

Employee: Don't interrupt me now, interrupt me when I am finished!

1200 10th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama

3PM Shift Switch

Coworker #1: Hey, can you cover my shift next week?
Coworker #2: Why? Where are you going?
Coworker #1: My friend's boyfriend is graduating from pharmacology school.
Coworker #2: Ew. Who would want to be a farmer?

3900 Hillsboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee

9AM Back to Work

Receptionist: Hey, help me with this list. The boss wants me to go to the store and get some stuff for the coffee room. You know, stuff like filters and cups and stuff. But I can't figure out what these icet rays are.
HR clerk: Let me see the list...Sweetie, this says ice trays. You know, for the freezer to freeze water into cubes.
Receptionist: Are you sure? Because if the boss wants icet rays, that's what I better get.
HR clerk: Well okay, if you really want icet rays, try the office supply store and make them check in the back. You may have to ask for their manager.
Receptionist: Thanks, see you in a little while.
HR clerk: You know, I should have used that opportunity to sell her a bridge.

5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

12PM Lunch

Lunchbreaker: Do you want half my cheeseburger?
Worker: No.
Lunchbreaker: Oh, d'oh. I forgot.
Worker: If I'm going to eat meat again, I wanna eat a slab of beef that is over thirty dollars. I want to make sure that when I'm in the bathroom with cramps, that it is worth it.


1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio

12PM Lunch

Woman on phone: Mom, tell my brother that if he doesn't pick up his car, I'm gonna have it towed.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want it parked in front of my house.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want to advertise to the entire neighborhood that black people live here.


465 Main Street
Charlestown, Massachusetts

3PM Customer Service

Bank teller: I was working drive-through this morning and offered a customer a bone for her dog in the back seat.
Associate: I think it's nice that we do that.
Bank teller: The customer said it wasn't a dog, it was her mother.

801 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan

4PM Smoke Break

Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.

Soldier #1: Hey [John], let's go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.]
Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you're inside! Get that fuckin' cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin' eye in your head!

Building 2411-B
Fort Eustis, Virginia


Overheard by: SGT Grier

3PM Slushie Run

Coworker#1: Okay, I'm back.
Coworker#2: Where did you go?
Coworker#3: We went to get a slushie.
Coworker#2: What? Where's mine?
Coworker#1: You didn't say you wanted one.
Coworker#2: Well, must my slushie needs be known to everyone? I just can't believe you went without even asking me.
Coworker#3: How is she supposed to know if you wanted a slushie?
Coworker#2: I always ask her if she wants one when I go. I even give her money if she wants one. Oh, and look now. Now your're drinking it in front of me.
Coworker #1: Dude! You never said you wanted one. You even saw me walk out. Do you even want one?
Coworker# 2: No, I'm fine.

19219 N 4th Street
Covington, Louisiana

11AM Filing

Boss: All of these folders need to be filed right away, but I can't trust the desk guys to do it.

Tutor #1: Isn't that their job?

Boss: Yes, but they need to be filed alphabetically, and they can't do that.

Tutor #1: They can't file alphabetically?

Boss: Apparently not. [Tutor #2] spent two hours yesterday trying to put everything back in order.

Tutor #2, breaking into laughter: Is that what you thought I was doing? Shit!

Boss: What were you doing, then?

Tutor #2: I dropped my ring in the drawer, and I had to take out all the folders to find it! It took forever, too.

Boss: Did you at least put them back alphabetically when you were done?

Tutor $2: Are you on crack? That's the desk guy's job!

101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland


Overheard by: Ren

11AM Next Generation of Workers

Mother to son: Don't play with that stapler!
Passerby: Happy take your kid to work day.

One Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio

2PM Marketing Push

Boss: I need you to bust out that postcard ASAP! It's priority number six!
Designer: Um, does it have to be done now or do five other things have to be done first?
Boss: Six is the new one!
Designer: I didn't get that memo.

15335 Morrison Street
Sherman Oaks, California

9AM Back to Work

Manager: Hey there! How are you feeling about your second day?
Intern: Whelmed.
Manager: I'm sorry, what was that?
Intern: Whelmed. You know, you can be "overwhelmed" and "underwhelmed," but I'm just "whelmed."
Manager: I see. Well, maybe some coffee would help?

1400 16th Street NW
Washington, DC

12PM Lunch

Cubicle girl: [Brad], want anything from Taco Bell? I'm making a run.

[Brad]: Yeah, I'll go with you. But let me give you my order first.

Cubicle girl: But you're coming with me.

[Brad]: I don't want to forget what I want. So I want the spicy chicken, spicy, make sure it's spicy...

250 Park Avenue
New York, New York

11AM Tech Services

Director: Here's the travel laptop I'm returning. Can you delete some of the files I put on there?
IT Manager: Yeah, sure, I'll clean it out. I better not find any pubic hairs stuck in the keyboard.

1100 L Street NW
Washington, DC

3PM Ordering Supplies

Secretary: My pencil drawer is broken. It needs a new twisty nail.
Boss: Twisty nail?
Secretary: Yeah, you know, with the X-groove on top.
Boss: You mean a Phillips-head screw?
Secretary: Whatever.

118 East Whittier
St. Francis, Kansas

9AM Back to Work

Underling: Can I borrow your scissors?
Boss: Depends if you're going to committ any crimes.
Underling: Just crimes against filing.

1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio

10AM Send [Tim] Over to Tech Support

Manager: [Tim], are you going over the off-site location?
Intern: Yes, I have to pick up the loaner laptop for [Kelly].
Manager: Can you drop this off to shipping and receiving while you are there? Might as well stone 2 birds.

730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas

2PM Development Meeting

Dev: Well, what you have to do is--
QA: Wait, wait. Can you start at the beginning?
Dev: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
QA: ...

1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri

12PM Finalize Conference

Senior VP: Make sure you reserve a king size bed because there's going to be two of us.

600 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC

5PM That's a Wrap

Co-worker #1: We have so much more room in the office now, [Erin] and I can dance.
Boss: Let's see you dance
Co-worker #2: Naw, she can't do it without a pole.

50 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio

11AM Monitor Calls

CSR on phone: Okay, I'm sending a trouble ticket up for investigation on that for you. Here's the ticket number in case you want to call and yell at us.

4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan

4PM Smoke Break

Employee #1: Stop flinging eyedrops on me!
Employee #2: I am trying to exorcise the demons in you.

Bldg 5302 Sparkman Circle
Redstone Arsenal, Alabama

9AM Back to Work

Deliveryman: I'm looking for the seventeenth floor.
Receptionist: You're on the eighteenth floor.
Deliveryman: Where's the seventeenth floor?

3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California

10AM Take Out the Trash

Biller: Um, you know maintenance guys are working in our bathrooms and there is a line of people waiting in the hallway bathroom? Could you, like, do something about it?
Receptionist: Uh, sure, I'll get right on that for you.
Biller: I'll just go back to my desk and pee in my trash can.

1200 Princess Anne Street
Fredericksburg, Virginia

2PM Update Database

SysAdmin: What users do you want me to move to the Gig Harbor office?
User on speaker: [Melinda] from Kirkland.
SysAdmin: I show [Melinda] as being in Reno.
User on speaker: Oh, maybe that's her sister.
SysAdmin: Her sister is also named [Melinda]?...Hello?
User on speaker: Can I call you back on that?

8655 South Eastern Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada

11AM Interviews

Interviewer: Are you persuasive?
Candidate: I call it force of personality. Like, I read people and
then I get them to do things by acting different ways. Like some people, I yell at them. I'm not mean but I yell at them. But like my boss, I can't yell at him.
Interviewer:Because he's your boss?
Candidate: No. He does better if I do like, a little girl act. You know? Like, "Oh please."
Interviewer: Um, okay. So, who is your favorite designer?...This isn't a trick question. I just want to know.
Candidate: My favorite designer is United Colors of Benetton.

721 5th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: mean girls

4PM Sensitivity Training

Boss on phone: If I ever do something that dumb again I want you to hit me. Hit me like a woman!

1621 18th Street
Denver, Colorado

2PM Get Receipts to Billing

Boss: Did you find that receipt?
Underling: No, it's not in the receipt file. I checked every receipt for the last six months. It's not there.
Boss: Why don't you look again?
Underling: I knew you'd ask, so I looked twice already. It's not there. Is there somewhere else that you put receipts?
Boss: No, only the receipt file. But if it's not in there, it's not a big deal. Later today, if you have time, why don't you look again in the file?
Underling: Okay, but if it's not there now, it won't be there later.
Boss: Yeah okay, but why don't you just look again?

1028 East Private Road 1200 North
Farmersburg, Indiana

11AM Radio for Backup?

Admin: Some angry guys are going to come in the office looking for one of the executives. They may threaten you and yell at you but just tell them to go away. Whatever you do, don't bother us with it.
Receptionist: Okay, while I'm up here fighting for my life, I'll be sure not to bother you all.

817 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia


Overheard by: Elle George

5PM That's a Wrap

Boss: Can I see your boobs today?
Underling: Now would be a good time to put in my two weeks.

950 Eller Drive
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

9AM Back to Work

Worker: If you see [Jen] or [Jake], can you tell them I need to talk to them?
Boss: What for?
Worker: I just need to ask them about this thing for Thursday.
Boss: Oh, I don't know anything about that. You'll have to ask [Jen] or [Jen] about it.

120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona

4PM Department Meeting

Area Manager: We will need to open an investigation into this and see what happened.
Superintendent: I'll tell you what happened: he fucked up!
Area Manager: Well, I didn't say it needed to be a long investigation.

128 Spring Street
Ypsilanti, Michigan

5PM Out of Here

Executive #1: You go first.
Executive #2: Why?
Executive #1: I always go first...I don't know what your problem is.
Executive #2: I don't have a problem; why can't you just go up the stairs first?

137 Ocean Avenue
Lakewood, New Jersey

11AM Forward Files

Boss: I need you to email this to [Kevin].
Assistant: No problem, I have the electronic version right here. I'll email it out in a sec.
Boss: Great...Oh, and make sure my notes don't show up when you send it out.
Assistant: Your notes?
Boss: Yeah, the notes I wrote there in the margins.
Assistant: Um, don't worry. They won't.
Boss: Great, thanks.


Assistant: Just fucking retire already...Jesus!

300 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland

10AM Price Shredders

Assistant: Yeah, we need one of those industrial-sized--
Director: Oh, I know, you can shred a baby in one of those things!

1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC

11AM Sensitivity Training

Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?


Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.

12 East 46th Street
New York, NY

10AM Interviews

Interviewer: Tell us about your experience working with a team on a shared goal. We have a team environment here. We carry each other's balls all the time.

6275 Neil Road
Reno, Nevada

12PM Send Out Press Release

Boss: So see if you can find these people's email addresses.
Intern: ...You want me to find Desmond Tutu's email address?
Boss: Try Google if you get stumped.

2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC

2PM Double Team Meeting

VP: So are you ready to service me yet?
Peon: Yes, I am ready to pleasure you now.
VP: Sounds good; is [Alex] ready too?
[Alex]: Yes, m'lady, I too am ready to provide you my services.
VP: Let's go get started in the blue room, then.

8441 Wayzata Boulevard
Golden Valley, Minnesota


Overheard by: Sam Racadabra

11AM Work on RFP

Office Worker: This file won't unzip! Unzip, you! Dammit, unzip!
Supervisor: You should try sweet talking it a little bit. Maybe you should buy it dinner first.

105 North Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

12PM Plan New Office

Boss: Hey, can you help me? I need to make a floor plan for the new office.
Underling: Yeah, sure. What are the dimensions?
Boss: It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but what are the dimensions?
Boss: What do you mean? It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but like what is the length and width?
Boss: Just make it 10,000 square feet.
Underling: But is it a square, or a rectangle, or what?
Boss: Uh, make it a rectangle.

712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona

10AM Team Meeting

Manager: You all need to help out and pull a shift in the Concierge Department. This is what team work is all about. I make too much money to help in the Concierge Department.

47 East Beaver Creek Boulevard
Avon, Colorado

11AM Order Safe

Tech #1: Can I have the key to the IDF closet?
Tech #2: I don't have it, it's in the lockbox.
Tech #1: Well then, can I have the key to the lockbox?
Tech #2: It's not locked.

20800 Harvard Road
Cleveland, Ohio

11AM Call Building Maintenance

Assistant: If you want to see how dusty the floor is, just look at the heels on my shoes.
Project Manager: Oh, I thought you were telling me to look at your knees.

1100 West Anderson Court
Oak Creek, Wisconsin

5PM That's a Wrap

Boss: I told you not to shit in the bathroom.

1123 Broadway
New York, NY

11AM Call Client

Drone on phone: Give me a couple of minutes and I'll call you back in an hour.

4867 West Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

9AM Back to Work

Secretary: Don't mail your boogers to people!

401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee

2PM Update Files

Admin: One of our districts is having trouble modifying a document from our website.
Graphic Designer: It can't be modified. It's a PDF.
Admin: Right. So I was wondering if you would turn off the PDF so they can make their changes.
Graphic Designer: ...Um, no.

2100 I-70 Drive SW
Columbia, Missouri

5PM Preach It All Weekend, Brother

Project Engineer: If you expect me to do quality work I'm going to need a raise.

10 West Mifflin Street
Madison, Wisconsin

12PM Fax Info

Supervisor: I need you to fax this enrollment form to the dental insurance company right away.
Peon: Shouldn't I make a copy first?

9111 Duke Boulevard
Mason, Ohio

10AM Interview Temps

Boss on phone: No, no, you gotta understand, I need some help down there...I'm not the pusher, I'm the receiver.

444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California


Overheard by: erikrand

10AM Order Book

Our sister site has been collected into Overheard in New York, the book. It's a collection of the hilarious and horrendous material from the site, as well as a bunch of stuff we saved just for the book.

It's perfect reading for the commute to the office, and a great way to kill time from 9 to 5. You can order it here.

375 Hudson Street
New York, NY

4PM Order Supplies

Co-worker #1: Can I borrow a colored pen?
Co-worker #2: Here's a red one, but I may need it later for drawing fire.

525 7th Avenue
New York, NY

3PM Coffee Break

Worker #1: How are you feeling? Coming down with anything?
Worker #2: No, but it seems like everyone else is.
Worker #1: If you get sick, I'm a doctor so I can take care of you.
I've got a BS, a CS and a DD. That's a degree in Back Stabbing, Cork-Screwing, and Double-Dealing

2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri

4PM Snowmobiling?

Worker: Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss: LetmethinkaboutthatNo.
Worker: Don't you want to hear why?
Boss: No.
Worker: Some of the guys are going snowmobiling and I wanted to meet up with them...
Boss: What do you think this is, a resort?
Worker: If it were a resort, I wouldn't have to leave; there'd be things to do.

900 Simpson Street
Saint Paul, Minnesota

11AM Tech Support

Dinosaur: I hate this hourglass.
IT: The hourglass at your cursor?
Dinosaur: Yes, can you remove it?
IT: Why?
Dinosaur: It slows my computer down.

7071 University Boulevard
Winter Park, Florida

2PM Call Maintenance Deptartment

Woman on phone: You need to have someone come by and fix the fan in the men's restroom. If that thing is not working, we are dead, baby!

Kirtland Air Force Base
Albuquerque, New Mexico

12PM Check Up on Renatl Department

Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?

1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois

4PM Send Out Tuition Check

Housing: You need to sign this form that talks about the potential risks of lead paint.
Student: Lead paint? Could that be dangerous?
Housing: No.
Student: Really?
Housing: Well, I wouldn't lick the walls.

400 West 119th Street
New York, NY


Overheard by: djlindee

11AM Monitor Calls

CSR on phone: Sir, would you mind slowing down just a little bit?You're really giving me a lot of information, and it's not really
registering in my brain because I'm still trying to type in all the
other crap you told me.

5129 Beverly Glen Village Lane
Norcross, Georgia

10AM Monitor Calls

CSR on phone: If the item you need to return doesn't fit back in the box, maybe you could snip off the edges to make it fit. Either way it will all get back to our warehouse.

225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California

1PM Lunch

Co-worker: This lunchtime let's lock ourselves in a toilet cubicle with a knife, some string and a needle, and see what happens.

144 Uxbridge Road
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK

5PM That's a Wrap

Worker: Dude, come look at my cubicle.
Manager: You mean you weren't working?
Worker: No, I had to decorate.

1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

2PM Talk with HR

Boss over intercom: [Laurel] please come to my office for a personal favor.

1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee

1PM Lunch

Co-worker #1: Hey, what are you doing?
Co-worker #2: Nothing.
Co-worker #1: What time are you going to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I was gonna go in a little bit.
Co-worker #1: Know what? I was too. C'mon, let's go take a pee, then we'll go to lunch.

1450 Chapel Street
New Haven, Connecticut

2PM IT Conference Call

Tech Support: Okay, I need you to go to a command prompt and type
"'mail from:' your email address" and this should get you a connection.
User: It didn't work.
Tech Support: Okay, so you typed "'mail from:' your email address" and it didn't work for you?
User: Wait a minute. Did you say you wanted me to type "nail" or "mail"?

1010 Niagara Street
Buffalo, New York

3PM Cancer Break

Manager: We're in Gwinnett County. You need to be 10 feet from the walkway if you want to legally smoke.
Smoker #1: Like, isn't that unfair? What if you're a midget? Your feet would be about half the size of mine...No, seriously. Look how big my feet are! They're like twice the size of midget feet...Oh! You mean like a ruler!
Smoker #2: Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the metric system?

333 Research Court
Norcross, Georgia

12PM Pass the Buck

VP Research: The client would like us to find a creative way to solve the problem.
Field Manager: I am tired of looking for the solution to this problem; let's start looking for someone to blame instead...

85 E Street
South Portland, Maine


Overheard by: brian brinegar

1PM Lunch

Worker #1: Thanks for the pretzels.
Worker #2: Oh, now the bag is dirty.
Worker #1: I'll have you know my hands are clean. I sit here at my desk and sanitize them all day.
Worker #3: You know, I can sanitize you. All women need to be sanitized.

9725 Datapoint Drive
San Antonio, Texas

10AM Work on Prints

Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I'd say yes, but you won't give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can't borrow them.
Engineer: You're so much like your dad, it's not even funny.

186 Gilman Avenue
Campbell, California


Overheard by: Shannon

4PM Call [Kwok]

Supervisor: Don't forget to call [Kwok]. He's got a couple of huge boxes and I think they're computers.
Admin: Which one is [Kwok]?
Supervisor: The short Asian guy.
Admin on phone: Hi [Kwok], it's [Jane]. I just wanted to let you know you have a huge package.

470 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts

9AM TGIF

Co-worker on phone: I have a trailer to be picked up...Yes, it is ready now. It's in a parking lot. You know, where cars park.

33 Shaws Lane
Springfield, Massachusetts


Overheard by: Disgruntled Cube Tenant

11AM PowerPoint Class

Director #1: [Beth], sit over here!
Director #2: Yeah [Beth], this is the power row.

2111 North Haskell Avenue
Dallas, Texas

11AM Finalize Campaign

Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"

8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

9AM Monday Does Rhyme with Funday

Co-worker: Hey [Trish], can you come here a sec?
Office Manager: Yeah, where are you?
Co-worker: I'm in the closet.

155 6th Avenue
New York, NY

11AM Reboot Registers

Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?

700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California

4PM Call Repairman--again

Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!

557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

5PM That's a Wrap

Co-worker #1: [Justin], can I borrow your finance guide?
Co-worker #2: Um, sure...Wait, it's not here. I did have one, but it's gone.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I borrowed it.
Co-worker #2: ...

233 Broadway
New York, NY

10AM Band Meet & Greet

Musician: Nice of you to join us.
Exec: Well, you were 30 minutes late; I went to take a shit!
Musician: You're entitled to that.
Exec: I washed my hand if you want to shake it.

875 6th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: N & S

2PM Update Budgets

Head of IT: Can we get those new computers?
CFO: Sorry, it's not in the budget this year.

He walks over to the calendar.

CFO: Hey, isn't this last year's calendar? When are you going to put up the correct one?
IT Drone: Sorry, a new calendar isn't in the budget this year.

75 South Church Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts


Overheard by: Joe

4PM Release Due

QA: That enhancement doesn't work, you need to fix it.
Dev: I guess it won't be in the patch, then.
QA: I didn't spend all that time testing and documenting it, we need to release it.
Dev: I'm not going to fix it now.
QA: You just said it was going to be in the patch, now you are saying it's not going to be fixed in this patch but it is in the patch.
Dev: Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me.

16388 Westwoods Business Park
Ellisville, Missouri


Overheard by: Marc Brooks

2PM Hang Magazine Rack

Nurse #1: Do you want me to go through your legs?
Nurse #2: I can't believe you don't want to go through my legs to find the lower hole.
Nurse #1: Well, pull out the first one so I can see!
Nurse #2: Is it in?
Nurse #1: I don't know, I can't feel anything!
Nurse #2: I'm gonna pee my pants! I can't believe there's no one here to see this!

2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio


Overheard by: Kimmie

9AM I Want to Go Home Already

Man #1: I'm redecorating my cube with black velvet paintings.
Man #2: I've got a black velvet prom dress...

333 Corporate Woods Parkway
Vernon Hills, Illinois

3PM Smoke Break

Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.

57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois

9AM Why, Monday, Why?

Co-worker #1: I'm really tired this morning.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you try Red Bull?
Co-worker #1: That stuff doesn't work for me.
Co-worker #2: Well, have you ever tried it without the vodka?

2783 Lancashire Road
Cleveland Heights, Ohio

11AM Urgent: Call About Credit Bill

CSR: Could you guys not talk while I'm on the phone?...And could you not breathe either?

1650 Bobali Drive
Harrisburg, Pennsyvania


Overheard by: Erin Spohn

9AM Grab a Cup

Boss: Oh good morning, would you like some coffee?
Building Manager: Oh, I don't think so.
Boss: Oh, have some.
Building Manager: No, thanks. It'll just make me perspire. I had a cup and a half before I left for work this morning and my makeup slid right off my face.

3040 M Street NW
Washington, DC


Overheard by: Chris

10AM Cancel New Headset Order

Employee: My headset for my phone doesn't work. Can I have a new one?
Supervisor: Let me see that. Oh...you see what's wrong? Sometimes the data can get caught in the phone line...so just straighten the cord. That makes the voice data come through more quickly and it won't get all caught up.

11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska

9AM TGIF

Manager #1: I don't feel like working today.
Manager #2: So why don't you go home?
Manager #1: 'Cause I don't get paid to do nothing at home....

3200 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada


Overheard by: Cathie

4PM Finalize Contracts with New Account

Vendor: Hey, can you do me a huge favor?
Boss: Sure, what do you need?
Vendor: I am trying to land this account, and the guy won't sign with me unless you sleep with him.
Boss: I am not going to sleep with him! Wait a second, is he cute? Does he have lots of money?
Vendor: No.
Boss: Well, okay but just this once.

3663 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada


Overheard by: Rick

11AM Presentation

Manager: Will you guys stop talking during my presentation?
Underling: I wasn't talking, I was asleep...

Abingdon Science Park
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
UK

12PM Inventory

Employee: Hey, I have an open hour today. Is there anything you need?
Supervisor #1: Um, yeah. One of the ceiling tiles broke, and they don't make that type anymore, and in order to get an estimate redoing all the ceiling tiles, I need you to go around and count them.
Supervisor #2: Yeah...but in the corners: you know how they aren't full tiles? You need to measure them and figure out what percentage of a full tile it is. You know, so we can get an accurate assessment.

30 minutes go by.

Supervisor #1: Are you seriously counting all of those tiles?
Employee: Yeah, why? Oh, man. Fuck you guys.

11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska


Overheard by: Bronxie

11AM Layouts

Co-worker #1: Thank you so much [Dan] for getting me all of the ledes that I needed for the articles so last minute.
Co-worker #2: Oh, it's no problem. It was easy, I can show you how to do it.
Co-worker #1: No, I'd rather you do it, thanks.
Co-worker #2: I can easily show you.
Co-worker #1: If there was a fire and you were burning, I'd assume you'd have a cell phone, so I could still call you and you'd still do it for me.

2105 C Street
Vancouver, Washington

9AM Hadn't Even Taken Off My Jacket

Boss: I was asked to suggest some strong people for this open
position in another department, and I think you'd be great for the job, but if you leave me, I'll kill you.

8200 Interstate Highway 10 W
San Antonio, Texas

2PM Meeting

Boss: So, tell me about this guy we are doing business with today.
Assistant: Well, he is like [Adam], but with a bath and good shave.
Boss: Okay, good to know.

900 S. Shackleford Road
Little Rock, Arkansas

9AM Here We Go Again

Medical claims analyst: Have I ever shown you the x-ray of my head?

1009 Windcross Court
Franklin, Tennessee

10AM Set Up Meeting

Employee: I have a few questions about wrapping up this project.
Supervisor: Great. Set up a meeting, I'm free all day.
Employee: How's 11AM this morning?
Supervisor: I can't make it then.

1111 Chester Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio

1PM Going Away Party

Manager: Everybody hide and don't make any noise.
Employee: Um, we're in a cube. Exactly where do you want us to go?
Manager: Under the tables and behind the privacy screens. Now everyone shut up.
Employee: Considering John sits right next to this cube and these dividers aren't soundproof, this smoke and mirrors trick really is a failure.

7 Times Square
New York, NY

3PM Prepare Speech

Manager: What does the word "nugatory" mean?
Employee: I don't know but it sounds important.
Manager: I'll see if I can slip it into my next talk to staff, they won't know the difference.

North Terrace
Adelaide, South Australia

11AM Call Cable Guy

Co-worker #1: Come on, we need to go.
Co-worker #2: Hold on, my wife just called and asked me to call the
cable guy to cancel his appointment.
Co-worker #1: Why couldn't she call him herself?
Co-worker #2: Dude, she's at work.

408 C Street NE
Washington, DC

2PM Chick Becomes VP and Loses All Sense of Decorum

VP: You'll need to sit between [Jake] and I at the next meeting so I don't kick his ass.
Peon: I'll hold him if you'll hit him.

1500 Hampton Street
Columbia, South Carolina

1PM It's How He Got Invited to His Own Wedding Dinner

Boss: Paychecks didn't come again today. I can lend you money if you need it.
Employee: I have a wedding rehearsal dinner for 50 that I need to pay for this Thursday.
Boss: Well if I lend you the money to pay for it then I'm coming. Where is the dinner?
Employee: I'm not telling.

551 W. Cordova Road
Santa Fe, New Mexico

9AM Don't Put Him to Sleep Until After the Raise

Employee: Why can't you just install that for me?
Supervisor: Because I'm not going to spend an hour out of my day installing this on your crappy computer only to find out that it still doesn't work and end up spending even more of my precious time trying to fix something that isn't fixable and wind up making my life hell by hearing you bitch about this all the time. Only to make you happy.
Employee: So, is that a no?
Supervisor: You're damn right it is.
Employee: Well, then can I just get a new computer so I won't have this problem?
Supervisor: Fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Employee: Can I get a raise?
Supervisor: Don't push it.
Employee: I think you need to take a nap.

1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio

4PM Better Check His Briefcase for Virgins

Suit #1: Why didn't you guys invite [Joe] to eat with us?
Suit #2: Well, we asked him to come but he responded with gibberish and broke out in foreign tongues.
Suit #3: Yeah, I think he's a terrorist.

US Department of State
2121 Virginia Avenue
Washington, DC


Overheard by: Bradley

3PM It Depends on the Location of His Mouth

IT guy: Here, can you hold the microphone while he talks?
Account Manager: Sure. But can you tell me, what's the sensitive part here? Is it just the tip? Or the whole head?

155 N. Pfingsten Road
Deerfield, Illinois

12AM A Jewish Vampire, Apparently

CSR: Is Mike there?
Man: Do you know what day it is?
CSR: What does that have to do with anything?
Man: Well it's Sunday!
CSR: I know that! Can I talk to Mike?
Man: No it's Sunday and he isn't alive on Sunday because he's a vampire!

375 Ghent Road
Akron, Ohio


Overheard by: No Longer Employed

1PM It's Hard to Pay Attention When You're Speaking in Glyphs

Co-worker: Okay class, now I will read the dialogue to you and
afterwards ask you questions about it.

He reads the dialogue.

Co-worker: So class, I didn't actually hear and don't remember anything that I just said so can someone tell me?

Beijao, Shunde, Foshan
Guang dong, China


Overheard by: lost in translation

1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.

Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.

109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY


Overheard by: Dirtpatch

7PM Which Means You Have to Want to

Assistant: Is this poster going to be mandatory?
Manager: We're going to treat this as being required, but not mandatory.

227 W. Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois


Overheard by: Caleb Yarian

1PM Dude, You're Not Getting That Dell!

Customer: Yeah, like I need to get this purchase authorized for school supplies and stuff.
CSR: Yes, sir. Can you tell me the primary cardholder's name?
Customer: Yeah, that would be me. My name is on the card.
CSR: No sir, you are on the account. I need the primary cardholder; is he available?
Customer: No, he is in Florida or Georgia or something. Dude call my Dad, he can tell you all about it.
CSR: I need to ask you some security questions first. Do you know the primary cardholder's date of birth?
Customer: Uh, dude, this really sucks...I can't remember his birthday...Dude that's pretty sad I don't even know my father's birthday.
CSR: OK, sir can you give me the last 4 digits of the social security number on the account for the primary cardholder.
Customer: Dude, are you kidding? I will tell you anything about me that you want to know I just want to get this stuff going, y'know?
CSR: Sir, can you hold?
Customer: Sure.

2 minutes pass.

CSR: OK sir, I have blocked the card. Please inform your father that he will need to give us a call to take the block off the card.
Customer. Dude, this fucking sucks. I have any information you need about me, why can't you call my dad?
CSR: I am not calling your dad sir, please inform him that he will need to give us a call to have the block taken off the card.
Customer: Dude you are really starting to piss me off, dude.
CSR: Sir you can't verify any of the security questions, and I can't approve this transaction.
Customer: ...Dude call my dad! He will give you anything you want to know.
CSR: I am not calling your dad, sir.
Customer: Dude, you have so just lost 4 accounts!

3615 Brotherton Road
Cincinnati, Ohio

7PM Maybe It's Not Bob You Should Be Roasting...

Co-worker #1: We're having an office roast for Bob on Friday, since it's his last day.
Co-worker #2: What do I need to bring?
Co-worker #1: You know, jokes, stories about him, like that.
Co-worker #2: That's it? Who's going to cook the roast?

2155 S. Bascom Avenue
Campbell, California

7PM Don't Worry, You Can Think About It All Weekend

Facilitator: Would you like me to advance to the next slide?
Presenter: No, thank you. I'll catch up in a moment. I just thought myself into a corner.

200 Seaport Boulevard
Boston, Massachusetts

12AM Someone's Brain is on a Dial-up

Employee #1: See, I don't understand that. Explain that to me.
Employee #2: Okay.
Employee #1: Well...go ahead...

1920 W. Lindner Avenue
Mesa, Arizona

4PM If You Don't Have Lunch, When Will You Talk Smack?

Older woman: It isn't good for your metabolism to eat too little.
Younger woman: Yeah, I remember when I was a kid and saw those starving African kids on TV. I said, "They aren't fat, look at their bellies!" That's what happens when you don't eat enough, you get bloated.

1500 University Drive
Billings, Montana


Co-worker #1: Do you want to go to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I'm on a diet.
Co-worker #1: But we're going to get ice cream afterward.

800 E. 96th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana

8AM Lycanths Like the Marshmallow Ones

Purchasing manager: We're renegades. We're running with the wolves. We ordered hot chocolate.

1 Railroad Ave
Cooperstown, New York

6AM Taking the Work Out of "Co-worker"

IT guy: Does anyone want to help me move some equipment into the U-Haul downstairs?
Co-worker #1: You know I would, but I'm just not wearing the shoes for it today.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you put on your tennis shoes? I see them under your desk.
Co-worker #1: Shh!

3100 West Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Overheard by: Samantha Quinnsbury

12AM Check to See If That Twenty was Rolled

Editor: Oh, get me a cinnamon roll too. Here's a twenty.
Reporter: A twenty? The only people that have money in the middle of the week are drug dealers.

169 West Nepessing Street
Lapeer, Michigan

6PM Looks Like Those Undies Were Already Stamped

Co-worker: Can you notarize something for me?
Accounting supervisor: Got any money?
Co-worker: Nope.
Accounting worker-bee: Then you must take off your pants, get on the empty chair and dance for us.
Co-worker: Really?
Entire accounting department: Really.
Co-worker: Are tightie whities okay?

2200 Broening Highway
Baltimore, Maryland

12AM Stupidity is an International Language

Dell Support operator: OK, sir, now I'm going to need you to insert your System CD. Do you have that handy?
Irish customer: Is dat dis Pentanium ting?

The other listeners on conference laugh.

Dell Support operator: Excuse me, sir, there's a lot of background noise. I'm just going to turn off the other microphones.

--As a novel approach to caller boredom while waiting for a techSupp droid to become free, Dell have instituted a situation where callers get to listen in while said droid deals with the calls ahead of one in the queue.

So the overhearing was actually pretty widely geographically
distributed, between:

The charmin' Irish Callcentre colleen, who was wherever in Ireland Dell have their support centre;
Her interlocutor, who by his accent was also in that country;
The various other listeners-in, who might have been anywhere in
Europe;
Me, at Long Lane, Newbury, England.


Overheard by: CDWriter

4PM It Took the Doctors 30 Minutes to Remove the Staple Remover

Project manager: From now on, when we staple, we do it in the top quarter inch of the page.

San Francisco International Airport
San Francisco, California

4PM Progress: Driving in Circles in an Ever Faster Rate

Superior: I'm going to need you to drive me around the block and then drop me back off here.
Underling: But what about this fax?
Superior: The receptionist can do it, this is urgent.

1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas

12PM We Only Sell Fabric That Looks Like Meat

Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: OK. What type of fabric do you need?
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: Um, could you be more specific?
Customer: I need fabric that looks like cloth.

425 West 15th Street
New York, NY

12PM I Call Mine "Python"

Boss: What should we call it? Try thinking animal names.
Employee #1: What about "Kumquat"?
Employee #2: A kumquat isn't an animal.
Boss: I like your thinking though.

45 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York


Overheard by: Greg Rutter

12PM Aloha Exhaustion, Aloha Productivity!

Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks?
Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack
in it.

827 Fort Street
Honolulu, Hawaii


Overheard by: Jade Shiroma

12PM There's Your Cue! Fling Feces At Him

Elderly Boss: I need you to plug in this lamp for me.
Employee: Are you asking me to crawl [under your desk]?
Elderly Boss: You're the only one who can. You're my monkey.

703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas

6AM Masturbation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Expert Publicist #1: You know what,ya did a shitty job of selling that to the client.
Expert Publicist #2: What're ya talking about?
Expert Publicist #1: You know, what ya gotta do, ya gotta sell it, ya gotta masturbate his brain.
Expert Publicist #2: What?
Expert Publicist #1: Well if you don't wanna do it, I'll masturbate him!

11 Stone Street
New York, NY

10PM I Only Drive Drunk in Moderation

Suit: It was 6 hours of nonstop powerdrinking. My wife was at a Christmas party and asked me to pick her up, and I said, "Even I would not get behind the wheel now!"

350 Madison Ave.
New York, NY

8PM The Big News