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4PM His Death Was Ruled a Justifiable Homicide
Cube rat to neighbor: I think it's worth six million dollars. Wait, I didn't write six million, I wrote six thousand... Or is that your writing? ... Oh, that's the square footage... Duh...
1477 Lansdowne Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: slacker
1PM If Anyone Asks, We're 10-Year-Old Orphans Who Live in a Maytag Box
Sorority girl #1: I'm just worried we aren't going to have enough money.
Sorority girl #2: No, we wrote a letter to Oprah.
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: frightened grad student
11AM Their Alliance with the Sundae Lobby Was a Stroke of Genius
Coworker: You keep hearing all this stuff about cherries being good for you. They're actually not that good for you. It's just what the people in northern Michigan say to get you to buy their cherries!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
10AM No, Your Children Do
Receptionist: Does the president have to pay the mortgage on the White House?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: wish she hadn't voted
12PM Wait, If I Just Lock Him in an Empty Room with Some Dog Food in a Bag, I Could Get That New 'Vette!
Mom, pointing to friend's child: Say 'Hello' to Aidan*.
Shy child hiding face in mom's leg: 'Lo.
Mom: If you can't look at him and 'Hello' properly then you can't have swimming lessons. There, I just saved a hundred and fifty dollars!
145 Harlow Street
Bangor, Maine
Overheard by: Kelly
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend
Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?
4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida
2PM And I Won't Read to the Blind Either! They've Got Braille!
Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can't walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
4PM This Dramatization of the Importance of Negative Numbers is the Grittiest Schoolhouse Rock Yet
CSR: Customer Service, this is Sheri*. May I have your account number please?
Customer: Why is my account negative?!
CSR: Well, if you give me your account number, I can look it up and go over your transactions with you.
Customer gives information, CSR verifies, and the conversation continues.
CSR: Well, ma'am, looks like your opening deposit on Tuesday was 25 dollars... And then you withdrew 40 dollars from the ATM on Friday.
Customer: And...?
CSR: Well, 25 dollars minus 40 dollars is negative 15 dollars.
Customer: I don't understand what you are trying to tell me.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM Didn't You See Me Roll That Drunk in the Parking Lot?
10-year-old boy to mom: 63 dollars? Do you have that kind of cash?
Disneyland entrance gates
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: amused disney worker
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
11AM Now Here Are Some Condoms and a Hole Punch...
CFO: Our budget has been balanced the last few years because of unpaid maternity leaves, and we are working that into our models for coming years.
Committee member: So our financial solvency is based on people in the company having sex?
CFO: Basically.
Klaipeda
Lithuania
5PM Also, Will I Meet a Tall Dark Stranger on an Upcoming Voyage?
Customer: I need to have some work done on my car, and I want to know how much it's going to cost.
Shop guy: Okay, let's go take a look.
Customer: Well, the car isn't here, it's at my house.
Shop guy: You need to bring the car here if you want an estimate.
Customer: I don't need an estimate, I just want to know how much it's going to cost.
Auto body shop
New Jersey
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
11AM Tell You What -- Half Price for You. You Can Give the Six Dollars to Me
Girl #1: Ummm, we need to make copies, and we don't want to spend a lot of money.
Student worker: The copier over there is 10 cents, same as everywhere on campus.
Girl #1: That's so expensive!
Student worker: You could also scan the papers and print them out. That's free.
Girl #1: What do you mean?
Student worker: Ummm, you can put them on the scanner, hit 'Scan,' and then when they pop up, hit 'Print.'
Girl #1: I don't know about this whole scanning thing -- it sounds really complicated.
Girl #2: But that sounds better than making copies. I mean, we only need 12, and I don't want to spend 12 dollars.
Campus library, Bemidji State University
Bemidji, Minnesota
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
2PM And I Can Start Drinking Overtime
Man, buying lottery ticket in liquor store: If I win this, the old lady can cut back to part time.
725 W. Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: I didn't win either
3PM The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them 'Delis'
Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.
Wilton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Derek Paruolo
4PM If They Ever Get out of the Burn Unit
Guy: Why can't you just have the party at your place?
Girl: 'Cuz I lost my damage deposit after that one time when that guy caught himself on fire.
Guy: A guy caught himself on fire and you lost your deposit?
Girl: Well, he dropped and rolled on the carpet. Then someone tried to put out the embers with rum, so the carpet caught fire too.
Guy: ....
Girl: Yeah, no more parties at my place cuz I have stupid friends who totally owe me $500 now.
Eastlake
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Nosey
1PM But I'm the Janitor!
Account biller #1: Let me ask you something, what am I supposed to do with those claims the boss just gave me?
Account biller #2: Your job, perhaps?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cala
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
12PM It's the Fifty-First!
Clerk: Ma'am I can't take this money.
Lady: Why not? It's good American money.
Clerk: Ma'am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I'm not the one that's stupid.
13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida
9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University
Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??
Rochelle Park
New Jersey
4PM It's Where the Porn Stars Go
Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.
Bethesda, Maryland
3PM Here, I'll Show You with My Fingers -- The Difference Is the Long One in the Middle
Senior consultant: Hey, what's the difference between four and five?
Consultant: How am I getting paid less than you?
Waterloo, London
Overheard by: he said what I was thinking
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
1PM Marx Predicted This
Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can't shop here! You're supposed to work! You're not people!
801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida
9AM You Also Need to Have Finished Third-Grade Math
Worker: Yup, it takes a lot more than a million dollars to be a millionaire these days.
Hermiston, Oregon
9AM He Should Ask to Speak to a Buddhist CSR, Fluent in the Language of Reincarnation
Heated caller: So let me understand this: if I die, I get $100,000?
CSS rep: No. If you pass, your beneficiary will receive $100,000.
Heated caller: But it is my money. I am paying the premium for it. I should be able to get my money. Why can't I have my money?!
CSS rep: Because you will be dead, ma'am.
Heated caller: That's ridiculous. I want to speak with a manager.
1 Sartan Way
Merrimack, New Hampshire
Overheard by: CSS Nightmare
11AM And Blackmail? That Pretty Legal, Also?
Lawyer: Put your John Hancock on these documents, please.
Daughter: You sure this is legal? I mean, with me being your kid and all?
Lawyer: It is very legal. Far more legal than any of the drugs you have experimented with on my credit card.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana
Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?
Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.
Avon Target
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM Just a Minute--I'll Czech
Customer: Hi, can I get hold of Czech crowns here?
Bank flunky: Uhh...What was his first name again?
ASB Bank, Great North Road
Auckland, New Zealand
1PM Why Rich Babies Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Lady #1: I'm very tired. I went out last night.
Lady #2: Oh, did you have a lot to drink?
Lady #1: Of course not, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: It's pretty bad to drink when you're pregnant.
Lady #1: Yeah, it's so expensive, and you've gotta save money to buy baby stuff.
Goulbourn Street
Sydney, Australia
12PM She's Charging 20 Dollars for the Answer. That Seems Reasonable.
Woman #1: What's 20 percent off of 90 dollars?
Woman #2: It'll cost 20 dollars.
Queen Street
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just doing my job
11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!
Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That's in England, right?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: disbelief
2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!
FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.
John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Waiting next in line
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
5PM And So You Can Shop Without Being Able to Count
Shopper #1: Like, look at this credit card. The numbers are raised. I wonder why they do that.
Shopper #2: It's like Braille or something. They do it so blind people can read the numbers.
Oviedo Marketplace Mall
Oviedo, Florida
3PM This Just In: Bon Jovi Fires Insurance Agent
Insurance agent on phone: Garbage? You said garbage? But if it's garbage, why would you need to insure garbage??
East Little Creek Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: kim
3PM And That Was Just for the Left One
Chick #1: That's a really nice dress. How much did it cost?
Chick #2: Oh, um, $3500.
Chick #1: $3500! For a sun dress?!
Chick #2: Oh! You said "dress." I thought you said "breasts."
3200 Fifth Avenue
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Snarfed my Soda
1PM Refueling
Power broker #1: Two large cappuccinos.
Cashier: Thank you. That will be $4.50.
Power broker #1: Where's the cinnamon?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we're out of cinnamon.
Power broker #1: Then I don't want it!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Power broker #2: Okay, let's just bring it back to the office.
Power broker #1: No! Just give me my money back. I can't drink the foamy milk without the cinnamon.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mark
12PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are we collecting for?
Employee #2: Shelly* crashed her car and we are helping her out.
Employee #1: What? Has she never heard of insurance? Uh uh, I ain't putting in!
1046 George Town
Grand Cayman
Overheard by: not throwing in either
10AM Sample Sale
Buyer: It's great. We bought a ton of old Levi's jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That's genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
1PM Business Casual
T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever's been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.
2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California
Overheard by: daimaoh
3PM Bake Sale
Teacher #1: What are they raising all this money for?
Teacher #2: For this lady in the cleaning crew. Apparently, her purse was stolen and she lost nine hundred bucks that she was planning to send home to her family in Mexico.
Teacher #1: Where's my nine hundred bucks? Since I started working here, I lost everything.
444 Pleasantville Road
Briarcliff Manor, New York
10AM Annual Volunteer Project
I-banker: Why can't we just donate money to hire people to do this work?
2615 W. 84th Place
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Lunch
Lunchbreaker: Do you want half my cheeseburger?
Worker: No.
Lunchbreaker: Oh, d'oh. I forgot.
Worker: If I'm going to eat meat again, I wanna eat a slab of beef that is over thirty dollars. I want to make sure that when I'm in the bathroom with cramps, that it is worth it.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Straightening Up
At the end of Take Your Kids to Work Day...
Bruno*: Everything is askew! Where's my weedbag? I've got some quarters missing. Damn thieving kids.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Smoke Break
Coworker: When you were younger, growing up in Mexico, you hated America because they had everything. You guys had everything. Then you grew up and you realized "the Joneses" were living right next to you and your parents were just poor.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: I am going to come in on Monday and tell [Dave] to shove it.
Coworker #2: Do I even want to know why?
Coworker #1: I'm going to win the lottery this weekend. Fifty-six million dollars!
Coworker #2: If I win the lottery, I will go around running into every person in Houston who has ever cut me off! And those that come out of the parking lot right when the light turns green and then cross all three lanes in front of everyone, I'm just gonna floor it...
Coworker #1: Uh, I was just talking about not having to work for a while.
2875 Antoine
Houston, Texas
2PM Routine Transaction
Teller: Sir, can you please send in your ID since you want to cash this check
Customer: Well, there's a problem. I lost my ID, but I can give you my social security number, birthday, and even tell you the last several transactions on my account to verify.
Teller: Ok, what's your birthday and social?
Customer: [gives information]
Teller: Ok, what were the last three charges on your account?
Customer: [gives information]
Teller: So...what's this $450 charge Passion Parties?
Customer: [Laughter] Uh, that's something my wife is involved in.
730 Adkins Boulevard
Jackson, Mississippi
Overheard by: Nathan Best
1PM Career Advice
Two real estate agents are returning from lunch.
Experienced agent: You're never going to make any money if you keep getting drunk like this.
73 West 19th Street
New York, New York
10AM Budgets Due
Supervisor: Are these numbers right?
Employee: Yeah, I double-checked.
Supervisor: The sales manager said that they were under budget!
Employee: Well, numbers don't lie. Salespeople do.
17777 Center Court Drive
Cerritos, California
12PM Call Clients
Portfolio Manager: She's pissed that I didn't sell the stock before it
went down.
Trader: Don't you know that you are supposed to know when that's gonna
happen?
Portfolio Manager: I guess not...
1900 East Ninth Street
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Monitor Calls
Broker on phone: Why should you buy my bond? Because you buying it is good for my firm, good for me, and two out of three ain't bad.
1100 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?
113 University Place
New York, NY
12PM Update Personnel Files
Manager #1: Are you sure you don't need anything more? We've got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven't you heard? I'm cheap and easy. It doesn't take much to please me.
Peon: That's what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
2PM Review Candidates
Boss #1: We can use [Derek] as our field supervisor; he knows how to do the work.
Boss #2: Is he still a drunk?
Boss #1: Yeah. His wife left him.
Boss #2: He has always been a drinker.
Boss #1: So we'll put him in charge of everything and he can run the crews. We'll pay his expenses and give him the company truck.
Boss #2: Okay. Sounds good to me. Maybe stuff will start getting done now.
8221 NW Expressway Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: I don't want to donate my organs when I die. Those doctors make too much profit off the surgeries.
Worker #2: Does your wife know this? Because I'm pretty sure your next-of-kin can override your decision.
Worker #1: Is that true? I would beat my wife in heaven if she donated my organs after I was dead.
111 South 34th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Marketer: So after sitting in her funky trailer for about 2 hours
listening to her talk about God, this lady was like, "Baby...I have been reading my Bible for 53 years...and I can tell you read your Bible, too..." So, I in my best Southern voice, said, "Yes, ma'am...I
read my Bible every day. I try to live my life according to the
Word." But, I was just bullshitting. I'm probably going to hell. I mean she is like 90 and lives in a single-wide behind her daughter who lives in a double-wide...She can't wipe her own ass...She's about to die...and I am lying about reading the Bible. But we had a patient pass yesterday and we need one to take his place. Gotta keep the bodies moving...gotta get that bonus. Y'know?
1441 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
10AM Take Care of Bills
Adjuster #1: What are you putting over there?
Adjuster #2: A legal bill.
Adjuster #1: Well, it won't get paid till Tuesday.
Assistant: Why won't it get paid till Tuesday?
Adjuster #1: What the crap? You're here today?
2550 Northwinds Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: David Tilley
11AM Sensitivity Training
Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.
12 East 46th Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: I ordered the print from that guy. I'm his first international sale: he's in Canada.
Worker #2: Canada cracks me up.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
10AM Sales Meeting
Sales Rep #1: I'm afraid we're going to lose a lot of customers this season.
Sales Rep #2: Huh. My biggest fear is ending up on Oprah's couch and having her say mean things to me.
21250 Hawthorne Boulevard
Torrance, California
10AM Team Meeting
Manager: You all need to help out and pull a shift in the Concierge Department. This is what team work is all about. I make too much money to help in the Concierge Department.
47 East Beaver Creek Boulevard
Avon, Colorado
11AM Company Meeting
Employee #1: So you're saying the rumors about the possible merger aren't true?
Board Member: Yes. It's like we're dating. We're going out but we haven't kissed yet.
Employee #2: You may not have kissed yet, but it sure seems like you're sleeping together.
1500 Wallace Boulevard
Amarillo, Texas
1PM Lunch
Owner: 28 cents isn't a lot, but after 100 times spending it, that's $28. Listen man, $28 is a bottle of champagne! Instead of throwing it in the trash can, I can drink it, man! $28 on top of $28...That starts to add up to a few bottles of champage and pretty girls and a nice dinner!
8860 NW 24th Terrace
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Amanda
3PM Smoke Break
Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
4PM Get Mass Mailer Ready
Colleague: You can't pay to stuff that. I mean, that's a handjob at best.
1150 City View Street
Eugene, Oregon
4PM Mail Thank You Notes
Employee #1: I don't know what to write.
Employee #2: How about, "I'm surprised you cheap skanks chipped in ten bucks a piece"?
Employee #1: ...I was thinking more, "I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this."
327 West Michigan Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
11AM Call HR
New Hire: Is there a limit on the annual tuition reimbursement amount?
Admin: Tuition...That's for schools, right?
New Hire: Uh, yeah. Is there someone else I should talk to about this?
1301 Dove Street
Newport Beach, California
12PM Contact Collections
Attorney on phone: Well, I'm really sorry you're going to jail. But you still need to pay our bill.
110 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Odd
10AM Department Meeting
Boss: This is not an interactive meeting, so no feedback of any kind. Every customer who gives a commitment today will get a $350 Home Depot giftcard. This is only until the end of business today.
Loan Officer: But I got a customer commitment yesterday. Can I tell her that we will send her one?
Boss: Didn't I just say that this meeting is not interactive? I won't answer your stupid questions.
Loan Office: ...So what's the answer?
The boss storms out.
Loan Officer: I'll just ask him later.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
11AM Pay Bills
Customer: I want to pay my bill. I know it's two months overdue, so I
wanted to come and pay it in person.
Customer Service: According to our records they shut off your cable today.
Customer: But they said I had until today to pay the bill.
Customer Service: Well, your cable has been shut off today.
Customer: But today's not over yet!
Customer Service: It is for you.
11020 Flatlands Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Paul
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.
900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
10AM Update Resume
Worker #1: I make less than everyone. People on unemployment make less than me.
Worker #2: Is that true?
Worker #1: No.
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
5PM Preach It All Weekend, Brother
Project Engineer: If you expect me to do quality work I'm going to need a raise.
10 West Mifflin Street
Madison, Wisconsin
5PM That's a Wrap
Junior Boss: I once crashed a car into a tree for the insurance money.
31401 Via Della Pace
Vicenza
Italy
Overheard by: Lorelie Long
2PM Deposit Checks
Mortgage Specialist: I have to say this loan is for you. In fact, if you were to reject the loan I would frankly have to drive down to
your house and shoot your porch light out.
Borrower: Well we can't have that now, can we?
440 W 200 S
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: AK 47
12PM Policy Meeting
Specialist: He thought it was "unfair" that we'd charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He's lucky he was talking to you. I'd have told him, "I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that's unfair."
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Check Forecast
VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
11AM Close Deal
Sales: You quoted 3 different prices to this customer.
CEO: You're not calling me an idiot, are you?
Sales: I'm saying that having been given all the facts you made 3 incompatable decisions.
CEO: That's sufficiently blameless.
12819 Coit Road
Cleveland, Ohio
10AM Cut Checks
Manager: They really need to pay this month's rent 'cause I lost their money order last month and that makes them 2 months behind.
108 North Belvedere Boulevard
Memphis, Tennessee
11AM Crisis Management Meeting
Boss: You'll be happy to know that we asked accounting to open up a billing code for "unstrategic planning."
5340 Alla Road
Los Angeles, California
11AM Project Assignments
HR #1: Why would anyone agree to take on more responsibility if we're not going to pay them more?
HR #2: We're giving them more projects to work on that will be more advanced than what they're working on right now. I think people look for a challenge and they will be willing to take on more responsibility if it promises to be rewarding. Besides, most of them are in their twenties and need to start somewhere. So you see, we really are paying them more...in experience.
HR #1: Who is ever going to fall for that?
150 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Snoop E.
1PM Lunch
Engineer: Excuse me, those Splenda packets are for our department only. You're going to have to pay me for the two that you stole.
2525 West 190th Street
Torrance, California
3PM Cigarette Break
Nurse #1: But don't be swayed by the money.
Nurse #2: I'm not swayed by the money. I like being poor.
157 East 86th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kira
12PM Asian Discrimination League Meeting
FedEx Driver: Gs prices are so expensive I am thinking about delivering packages on a bike.
Warehouse employee: You and your people should be used to that.
4000 Coolidge Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Order Covers
Co-worker on phone: Hi [Victor], I was just calling about the new nano covers. They are priced the same and everything but one comes with a little white strap and the other comes with a big black one...So it's just the customer's choice whether they want a big black one or a little white one?
432 St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Data Monkey
2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch
HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
11AM Board Meeting
Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain from the corporation.
Board member: So if my son works here, then I'm not an Interested Party.
Attorney: Your son is your descendant.
Board member: Are you sure?
1524 North Santa Fe Avenue
Vista, California
9AM I'm Nauseous Already
Boss: Make sure you wear something nice like that skirt you had on last weekend.
DJ: But what if it's cold outside this weekend?
Boss: Doesn't matter...the Army guys will pull more recruits if you broadcast in something a little revealing. Plus they paid a lot of money for this remote.
1711 Ellis Drive
Valdosta, Georgia
Overheard by: Todd McClure
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: So this guy calls for [Kyle]...I give him the voice mail. I knew the next ring would be him...he calls back. "I'm trying to get ahold of [Kyle] and I keep getting an answer machine."...Gah!...That's what happens when we pay 10K for a phone
system so people get their messages. So then the prick is like, "So is he there or isn't he?" And so I'm like, "Yes sir, I realize
that you keep getting his voicemail. He is with a client, and all
messages go straight to our agents via voicemail." And he's like,
"Well, I don't want to leave a damn message, you tell [him and
his wife] they just lost out on a sale! I guess they're too busy
for me!" So then I'm all kiss-ass and like, "Well, I'm sorry sir, they are both with clients at the moment. We are a busy office. Would you like me to take a message?" And then he tells me, "No, just never mind and it's their loss." I hate stupid people.
Assistant: Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for
anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push
them down a flight of stairs.
M-28 East
Munising, Michigan
10AM Cultural Sensitivity Workshop
Co-worker #1: Hey, look at this expense report. It says he took $50
cab rides everyday and he has no receipts! He's milking us.
Co-worker #2: Wow! But don't say that to our boss. She's Jewish too.
4301 N. Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
2PM Update Budgets
Head of IT: Can we get those new computers?
CFO: Sorry, it's not in the budget this year.
He walks over to the calendar.
CFO: Hey, isn't this last year's calendar? When are you going to put up the correct one?
IT Drone: Sorry, a new calendar isn't in the budget this year.
75 South Church Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Joe
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Miller
9AM Anywhere But Here...
Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Copywriter: I was accosted by a woman with a French accent at the mall at lunch today.
Art Director: Really? How odd.
Copywriter: Yeah, she buffed my nails and I purchased her product. Only now am I remembering the accent as being fake.
Art Director: I had a run in with the cops over lunch.
930 South Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
9AM TGIF
Manager #1: I don't feel like working today.
Manager #2: So why don't you go home?
Manager #1: 'Cause I don't get paid to do nothing at home....
3200 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Cathie
4PM Finalize Contracts with New Account
Vendor: Hey, can you do me a huge favor?
Boss: Sure, what do you need?
Vendor: I am trying to land this account, and the guy won't sign with me unless you sleep with him.
Boss: I am not going to sleep with him! Wait a second, is he cute? Does he have lots of money?
Vendor: No.
Boss: Well, okay but just this once.
3663 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Rick
2PM Catch Up on Receivables
AR person: You gotta love it when they send in a prayer card with their check.
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Meeting with Legal
Lawyer: We received the claimant's demand for $300,000 for sexual
harassment. Whether it's a reasonable demand or not...I wish someone would touch me inappropriately so I could sue.
8 Hanover Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pinsy
3PM Cigarette Break
Salesman: Well, I worked my way up from a mechanic to a salesman, but I'm still treated like the low man on the scrotum pole.
625 Spring Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
11AM Look Into Service Contract
Peon: But if we didn't buy it from them, will they provide service?
Boss: It doesn't matter. This is an integral part of our everyday operation. If we have to buy a service contract, we will. If we give them money, they will service us.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Talk to HR
Assistant: I submitted this check request a month ago, can you tell me why it hasn't been paid yet?
Accountant: Oh, you wanted it paid?
40 W. 20th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Faith Black
10AM Meeting with Client
Senior Director: Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're going to be a week late with your report.
Client on speaker: You fuckin' serious? The fuck you doing over there? Writing this thing in pen? Sanskrit? The fuck, man?
Senior Director: Actually, I'm chipping it away in stone...hey, don't you worry about how I'm writing this fucking report! You'll get it in a week. Who the fuck are you to give me an attitude
Client: Fuck you! Hurry the fuck up! We're paying your ass, so you should be nice to me!
Senior Director: Kiss my ass!...cock eyed fuck! By the way, how is the wife doing?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
12PM They're Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano
Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope they don't weigh me on the spot since I am not sure I will be less than 200 pounds unless it's in the morning, after I've had a pee, and I'm nude...Does anyone have any topics they'd like to add to the agenda for today?
Manager: Um...yeah, I do, but give me a minute.
560 McCarthy Boulevard
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: CW Slave
7AM Then You'd Need to Raise Money for Broken Hips
Girl #1: Hey, do you want to do the Ann Landers 5k with me?
Girl #2: Ann Landers has her own 5k?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's to raise money for whatever she died of.
Girl #2: I thought she just died of being old. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a 5k to raise money to prevent old?
835 N. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM It's How He Got Invited to His Own Wedding Dinner
Boss: Paychecks didn't come again today. I can lend you money if you need it.
Employee: I have a wedding rehearsal dinner for 50 that I need to pay for this Thursday.
Boss: Well if I lend you the money to pay for it then I'm coming. Where is the dinner?
Employee: I'm not telling.
551 W. Cordova Road
Santa Fe, New Mexico
9PM Self-serve is Cheaper, But Kind of a Mess
Quebecois co-worker: I'm not driving there. Do you have any idea how much fucking the gas costs?
Anglo co-worker: No, and I don't think I want to find out.
9995 de Catania Avenue
Brossard, Quebec
Canadia
1PM I Think That's Some Kind of Wallaby
Guy #1: So my dad was going to complain that they didn't give him his grievance pay.
Guy #2: What's grievance pay?
Guy #1: Well, you know when a member of your family dies? You get
grievance pay so that you can have the day of the funeral off and the day after. My dad's pissed 'cos they won't give him his grievance pay.
Guy #2: Why won't they pay him?
Guy #1: Because they said his nana's not part of his intermediate
family.
153 Campbell Street
Bowen Hills, Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: Murad
1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.
Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.
109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dirtpatch
12AM Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!
Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.
6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas
Woman #1: So I went to Filene's Basement last night, and I was--literally--raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?
24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
9AM The Budget Code is Obviously DD
Director: We might have to pay for some T&A to get someone to go visit the client.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
5PM We Present: An Instant Customer Service Classic
Customer: Why are you billing me for this stuff?
CSR: Did you make the purchases on your credit card statement?
Customer: Yes, but I already paid for them. I used my credit card.
CSR: Yes, but now you have to pay your credit card bill.
Customer: That's stupid. Why would I pay for something twice?
4325 17th Avenue S.
Fargo, North Dakota
6AM Dude, Go for the Implants
Income auditor guy: I want to buy my fiance a gift like make-up.
Income auditor gal: Cool, how much you set for it?
Income auditor guy: 30 Egyptian pounds.
Income auditor gal: You could buy a blusher with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well then, how about cheap make-up?
Income auditor gal: You can't buy anything with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well how much do you think I need?
Income auditor gal: About 500 EGP to buy her one of those cute boxes that's full of make-up and perfumes.
Income auditor guy: With 500 EGP, I could send her to a plastic surgeon and get change.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
12AM Check to See If That Twenty was Rolled
Editor: Oh, get me a cinnamon roll too. Here's a twenty.
Reporter: A twenty? The only people that have money in the middle of the week are drug dealers.
169 West Nepessing Street
Lapeer, Michigan
6PM Looks Like Those Undies Were Already Stamped
Co-worker: Can you notarize something for me?
Accounting supervisor: Got any money?
Co-worker: Nope.
Accounting worker-bee: Then you must take off your pants, get on the empty chair and dance for us.
Co-worker: Really?
Entire accounting department: Really.
Co-worker: Are tightie whities okay?
2200 Broening Highway
Baltimore, Maryland
8AM I Believe--and Fear--the Children are the Future
Accounting guy #1: Every big company is tired of printing paychecks.
Accounting guy #2: Tired of spending all that money.
Accounting guy #1: Tired of every 13 year old in the country being able to print those checks.
1600 Cantrell Road
Little Rock, Arkansas
12AM 15% is Customary
Jet-Setting boss: I have to go to fucking Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton, Wisconsin! What am I going to do there?
Secretary: Well, there's always cow-tipping.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM White Collar Always Means Class
Businessman: I painted her bedroom. She picked this ugly red color.
Businesslady: You know, you could hire someone for like $100 to do
that.
Businessman: It's one little bedroom. It's not like I'm handicapped.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Someone Make This Into a Bumper Sticker
Employee #1: There's a double standard around here.
Employee #2: What do you mean?
Employee #1: We all compete at an Olympic level while she competes in the Special Olympics and gets paid more.
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
12AM If You Fire Them You're Not Their Boss, By Definition
In respose to several of our wholesale customers reporting strong on-line sales in December; Boss: We do all the work and they make all the money? We have a website too and it's time we started reminding these people of that! We need to be making a hell of a lot more money areound here than we are now. Time to start firing a few of these so-called "Top Customers". That'll fucking show 'em who's boss!
800 Boylston Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
12AM And How Are the Rents in Your Town?
Senior Manager: They're paying him $70,000 a year. What is he going to do? Live in a shack in the Bronx?
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
8AM The Effects of Pretentious Job Titles on IQ
Trend Consultant: We wanted our department memo to be With Funding, We Can Do Anything, but we couldn't afford that.
20 River Terrace
New York, NY
