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1PM Chopsticks, However, Are Better for Stabbing Bigots in the Throat
Employee #1: How's your burger?
Asian manager, with messy burger: Good, but it?s hard to eat...
Employee #2: It would be harder to eat with chopsticks!
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Dessert!
Office chick on phone: My mom is making me a huge meal tonight for my birthday... Bacon-wrapped filet mignon with blue cheese on top, Caesar salad, and roasted potatoes.
Neighboring cube guy: I just nutted a little on my keyboard.
4004 East Chapel Hill Parkway
Durham, North Carolina
1PM What Have You Been Doing to Your Nose?
Sales guy: Does anyone else smell hot dogs and sauerkraut?
Sales chick: Ummm... There's doughnuts in the conference room.
Sales guy: I bet that's it!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Or, You Know, Actual India
Male coworker to female, after lunch: I can't believe that you wouldn't eat anything but white rice at the Indian restaurant. You'd never make it at Epcot.
St. Petersburg, Florida
4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It
Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.
Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM At the Bad Pick-Up Line Quarterfinals
Client: There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food.
Photo studio
Culver City, California
12PM Roger Decides to Have a Protein Shake at His Desk
Male cube rat: What are we doing for lunch? I'm craving meat.
Female cube rat #1, grinning: What kind of meat?
Male cube rat: Hmmm... A big, juicy steak, with a side of fried chicken.
Female cube rat #2: How about a Reuben sandwich?
Male cube rat: No, no, I don't want female meat -- I want man meat!
All within earshot: Reeeally?!
Male cube rat: Awww, crap.
2916 21st Street NE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Neverlivingitdown
5PM As Long As It Doesn't Cut into Our Coke-Snorting Time
Suit #1: So, where are we going?
Suit #2: Does it matter? We're going there.
Suit #1: I don't care about the food, I just want to know I can get a drink.
Suit #2: It's a lunch place, but yeah, it has a bar.
Suit #1: Good.
Suit #2: Is that all you're going to do for the next two weeks? Drink during lunch?
Suit #1: Mmm-hmmm.
Suit #2: Oh... I guess that's okay.
485 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM ... Into Your Socks
Boss #1: Did you have enough to eat today?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: I can tell -- you tucked in your shirt.
Kapiolani Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
1PM The Original Forrest Gump Script Left Something to Be Desired
Consultant describing different diagnostic tests to client: Gonorrhea is like a can of chili.
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Gotta Love That Extra-Thick Straw
Cube rat #1: Slurpees are the best things ever. Hawaiian Punch Slurpee, man. Only second to lemonade Slurpee.
Cube rat #2: I haven't had a Slurpee in, like, 20 years.
Cube rat #1: You're ridiculous.
Cube rat #2: You're gay!
Cube rat #1: Gay for my Slurpees.
12012 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, Virginia
10AM And the Winner of Today's "Most Entertaining Location" Contest...
Male worker bee: Do you know it's getting closer?
Female worker bee: Closer every day.
Male worker bee: But do you know what that means to me?
Female worker bee: I do. Eggs!
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
11AM Suspicious White Stuff, Anyway
Front desk girl to maintenance guy, about her empty water bottle: Yeah, there were no babies in it like last time.
5055 International Boulevard
North Charleston, South Carolina
9AM It's Quite Possible That Women Have Dirtier Minds Than Men
Female coworker: Why do you shake your mustard like that?
Male coworker: To mix it up real good so I don't get the pre-mustard on my sandwich.
Female coworker: I am never eating lunch with you again.
West Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Just Another Day at the Ancient Joke Recycling Company
Worker chick, looking at something on floor: What is that?
Worker guy #1: Oh, that's a... crab.
Worker chick: We have crabs?
Worker guy #1: Yeah, I see them in the parking lot, too!
Worker guy #2: Soup!
Cypress and Westshore
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: wish I had protection...
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
1PM Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Customer: And I want Reese's with that. Not a lot, but more than the normal amount, but not too much.
Ice cream artist: Okay...?
Ice cream place, Champlain Drive and Shepherd Avenue
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Just Another Ice Cream Maker
2PM I'm Not Crazy
Loud office chick: Oh, I always used to eat paper! But not, like, toilet paper. Like, notebook paper.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
11AM You Can Take Recycling Too Far
Office grunt: His lunch smells like he took a shit on a plate and microwaved it.
265 North Western Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Melissa B.
11AM There Can Be No Obesity without Denial
Office girl #1: I don't like lettuce.
Office girl #2: You don't eat lettuce? Why'd you get a salad?
Office girl #1: Because I need to lose weight! I'm getting fat!
Office girl #2: What else is that in your salad?
Office girl #1: Chicken.
Office girl #2: Grilled or fried?
Office girl #1: Ummm... Fried...
Office girl #2: Uh-huh... Is that cheese I see in there?
Office girl #1: Yes!
Office girl #2: And are those Bacon Bits?
Office girl #1: Shut up! And no, it's real bacon!
Office girl #2: And you aren't gonna eat the lettuce?
Office girl #1: I will stab you with my fork! Go away!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM After the Dessert, She Said, "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?"
Elegant old lady, as waiter comes around: ... I could say the same thing about S&M, but no. There's nothing wrong with S&M! [Waiter looks at her, aghast, and then starts laughing.] Oh... Um, I'll have the hazelnut gelato.
Elegant old male companion: And don't forget the whip!
Cafe Dante, MacDougal Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Me
4PM I Need It to Take My Mood Elevators
Cube rat #1: Um... Where'd they put the fridge that was here?
Cube rat #2: I don't know, but I had juice in there. With vodka in it.
63rd Street and Broadway
New York, New York
4PM High Fructose Corn Syrup Comin' at Ya!
Employee #1: Dude, are those the organic ones?
Employee #2, pelting others with jelly beans: No, that's why I'm throwing them.
Organic health food store
Houston, Texas
5PM He Used to Say "Sausage," but That Led to Trouble
Conductor: Tickets, please... Or in lieu of tickets, breakfast sandwiches will be accepted.
Chicago-bound commuter train
Overheard by: Pirate Alice
10AM Now Are You Ready to Order?
Waitress: I don't want any sauce touching me... Unless it's being licked off of me.
1027 West Horsetooth Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
10AM Hoping to Be Reborn As a Gentile?
Worker bee: Do I smell bacon, or am I just having a really awesome stroke?
175 Remsen Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: cubicle island
3PM From My Big Book of Conversation Killers
Peon #1: Mmmm... I love these doughnuts. I could even eat them without the icing, the dough is so soft.
Peon #2: Like your flesh.
Tim Mei Avenue
Hong Kong
China
9AM Don't Even Get Them Started on Sippy Cups
Suit #1: What was that?
Suit #2: What?
Suit #1: You just hid something when I came up.
Suit #2: It was my juice box, because it's... You know...
Suit #1: What? There's nothing wrong with drinking juice from a box. I love juice boxes.
Assistant, walking up: What are you guys talking about?
Both suits, in unison: Nothing.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
4PM ... And Then Flinging Them at Michael Richards
Bulgarian coworker: There is nothing like the joy of opening a can of tomatoes.
13251 Roosevelt Boulevard
Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: her accent makes it sound great
11AM The Girl Scouts Are All Over It
Chubby peon: I'll eat anything as long as it's a cookie. Even if it's frog-flavored.
Austin, Texas
4PM When It's Kill-or-Cure Time
Coworker to another who's holding McDonald's: God, I love the taste of sausage when I'm hung over.
1500 NW 118th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Trevor
2PM With No Yeast?
Employee: Hi! Can I help you?
Woman: Can I have a six-inch BLT on Italian?
Employee: I'm sorry, we're out of Italian.
Woman: Can I just have white bread?
Employee: That's the same as Italian.
Woman: Do you have plain bread?
13600 Solomons Island Road
Solomons, Maryland
Overheard by: I hate Jared.
12PM What Happened to Bacon?
Intern girl #1: What's that smell?
Intern girl #2: What smell?
Intern girl #1: It's like... Grape Popsicles.
Intern girl #2: Ah, yes. That's the smell of the law.
City Hall
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Rachel
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
11AM And Sing Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day
Boss: I need to leave work before I get too drunk!
1819 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM You're on Your Own, Pal
Visitor making fresh coffee in break room: Does this office make coffee with one packet or two?
Employee: Usually one... But there are factions...
1920 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
2PM When Lactose Intolerants Dream
Weird coworker: I had a nightmare, too! I was standing in a pool eating taquitos, except they were filled with cream cheese and fruit!
111 Founders Plaza
East Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Bamber
3PM With Mashed Potato Pus!
Peon #1: So, how's that burn on your arm?
Peon #2: It kind of looks like prime rib.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
12PM Another Tip from My Big Book of Rainy-Day Activities
Female peon: I love eating a rare steak and then sopping up all the juice with some bread.
Male peon: You know what I like? To puncture a hole in a small animal that runs by my house and catch the blood like a fountain.
Female peon: Um, yeah, that would work, too.
4653 Cotton Gin Loop
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: RebeccaB
4PM And Not the Other Way Around
Art director, peeling an orange: I wish homeless people smelled like oranges.
Oak Lawn Avenue
Dallas, Texas
2PM People without Boundaries Need Special Handling
Friendly worker guy: Hey, you guys -- I just took one sip of this energy drink and I don't really want it. Does anyone want it? [No one answers. A few minutes later] Hey, you guys -- there is a lot of turkey on this sandwich. Does anyone want some?
Normal worker guy: Hey, you guys -- I've had this peanut M&M in my mouth for four days. Does anyone want it?
12th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: social
5PM If They Provided Lunch, They Wouldn't Have to Pay Us at All
Cube dweller #1, at weekly company breakfast: Oooh, breakfast. I forgot today was breakfast day.
Cube dweller #2: They sure do know how to buy us off. They could take away our chairs and there would only be a minor grumbling, but if they took away our breakfast... Like, 'Yeah, we're gonna be a standing agency now.' 'Yeah, that's cool. Just don't mess with my breakfast.'
233 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
10AM Wonder If I've Overplayed That Card Yet
Secretary #1: Here, I'll trade you dark chocolate for my chocolate.
Secretary #2: No, I like dark chocolate.
Secretary #1: Why does the white man have to take all the dark chocolate? That's the last piece of dark chocolate, and I'm dark so I should eat it! You ate all the white chocolate last week because you're white, and now you're going to have all the dark chocolate, too, just like the white man does to everything!
Secretary #2, eating dark chocolate: It's all mine now. Look at this! [Opens mouth.]
Secretary #1, muttering to herself and walking away: Just like the white man...
11330 Pierce Street
Riverside, California
Overheard by: Kevin
9AM Figure Out How to Order Lunch and You're Looking at the Vice Presidency
Manager: Wow! I guess if we don't have a receptionist, we don't get any coffee.
Peon: I could make some if you want...
Manager: Really? You know how to do that?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: I can cook too
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
4PM No Expectations, No Disappointment
Worker bee #1: I've never had a Hungry Man meal before.
Worker bee #2: It's not bad. Just don't pretend you're eating real food.
Austin, Texas
9AM ... Which Are Also a Delicacy in Mexico
Office guy #1: Does anyone know of, like, a Mexican dessert?
Office guy #2: Why?
Office guy #1: Oh, my wife is having a Mexican-themed party and I have to think of a dessert.
Office guy #3: Flan? I think that is Mexican. I don't know what it is, though...
Office gal: Flan is nasty. It has a nasty texture. Flan is like the texture of a rotten cooter.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: I don't like flan either...
5PM I'll Start, and You Take Over When I Get Dizzy
Coworker to another, finding that doughnuts are gone: You wanna just lick the box with me?
Fredericksburg, Virginia
12PM Addictive and Bad for Your Teeth
Editor #1: I've developed a really bad habit.
Editor #2: What?
Editor #1: A can of Mountain Dew in the afternoon.
Editor #2: Be careful -- Mountain Dew is the crystal meth of sodas.
770 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fax Machine
5PM Our Role in the Service Industry?
Employee to another: You're down on your hands and knees eating a banana. How do you not know what that symbolizes?
Route 209 and Weir Lake Road
Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
12PM And So Began the 2007 Rold Gold Rush
CEO: I need you to call Dan*.
VP: Why?
CEO: I need you to distract him while I steal his pretzels. I need those pretzels.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Cubeville denizen
10AM And Are There Any Leftover Sausages?
Waitress: I ate so many pork sausages yesterday at the picnic, when I fart it sounds like a pig squealing [makes loud squealing sounds over and over].
Waiter: Did you used to be a guy or something?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Use a Spoon Like Everyone Else
Woman gazing wistfully into yogurt cup: If my tongue was long enough, I'd lick my bottom.
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mark
4PM I Was Shocked, but Not Surprised
Admin #1: Oooh, there's cheesecake in the fridge!
Admin #2: I don't really like cheesecake.
Admin #1: There's pecan pie, too.
Admin #2: I only like pecan pie if I make it.
Admin #1: What?!
Admin #2: I said, I only like pecan pie if I make it.
Admin #1: Oh! I thought you said 'if I'm naked'!
619 Dolley Madison Road
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not the receptionist
10AM I Still Have Half a Savior Left from Yesterday
Male peon #1: Does anybody want anything from the vending machine?
Female peon: Bring me back some Jesus!
Male peon #2: I'll just take a ginger ale.
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Just Like Popular Music
Office girl #1: White chocolate is such a sham. They take out the best part.
Office girl #2: The brown?
Southlake, Texas
5PM I Will Cease Moving My Mouth and Release This Button Now
Employee over intercom: Stan*, please come to the office for food consumption.
Drug store
Wood River, Illinois
12PM It's a Hot-Button Issue for Elephant-Americans
Cube dweller #1: You like chunky peanut butter, don't you?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I do.
Cube dweller #1: Pervert.
135 East 57th Street
New York, New York
4PM Drool on My Salad and Die
Trendy vegan worker: What's that smell? Is someone cooking bacon?
Coworker: There's some in my salad.
Trendy vegan worker: That's so odd. I never even liked bacon, but it smells so good! It's making me horny!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM I've Always Wanted to Try the Meat Outside the Bread
Manager: Ben*, do you want a badly made sandwich?
Employee: How badly made?
Manager: Badly.
Employee: Yeah!
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'm fine thanks
9AM Could I Have Some Privacy?
Boss eating old almonds: Oh... God... I feel like I'm eating from a squirrel's ass.
Goderich
Ontario
Canadia
2PM How Bleu Cheese Dressing Was Invented
Cube dweller: The ranch is very weird today. Not weird-bad, but weird-tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. [Later] Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as... gone bad.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Thin People Don't Need to Like Their Food As Much As I Do
Heavy lady #1: God, I'm on this new diet, and I'm having a hard time staying on it.
Heavy lady #2: Is it the soup diet?
Heavy lady #1: Yeah... All I've had to eat today was a half bowl of soup.
Heavy lady #2: Did you eat the banana yet?
Heavy lady #1: No, I tried. I don't really like bananas.
504 Lavaca Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: GangerBanger
9AM They Won't Know and I Won't Tell
Coworker #1: I brought these back from vacation. Would you like to try a chocolate-covered ant?
Coworker #2: No, thank you. I'm a vegetarian.
Coworker #1: But they're dead!
Tremont Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Monkey in the Box Office
4PM Nixed Greens
Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really... I was just being courteous.
North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM And Really, How Much Skin, Bone and Fur Do You Want to Eat?
Worker #1: How much fiber do you think is in a bat?
Worker #2: Not a lot.
Worker #1, surprised: Really?
Worker #2: Well... It's not like a bat is a vegetable.
Hospital
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
2PM No, Lynn Finished It! Weren't You Listening?
Woman: Sam* is a big cookie ho, and I'm the cookie monitor, and Lynn* is the cake finisher--
Sam, from next cubicle: --There's cake?!
Congress Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kitty
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
12PM But I Think We've Tapped into a Potential Goldmine
Chick #1: Did you know that they're making Coke kosher for Passover?
Chick #2: [Blank stare.]
Chick #1: They're putting sugar in it.
Chick #2: [Continues to stare.]
Chick #1: Normally, it has corn syrup in it.
Chick #2: ... Oh! The soda!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mardi
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse
Chick shoving sandwich at guy: Do you want this?
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?
401 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brooklynhero
1PM Where's Your Savior Now, Fatty?
Coworker secretly returning another's bag of snacks while clutching stomach: Good God. This must be how those people who are eating that 200-pound, anatomically correct chocolate Jesus feel. Pardon me while I unbutton my pants so I can breathe.
300 North McKemy Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Their Alliance with the Sundae Lobby Was a Stroke of Genius
Coworker: You keep hearing all this stuff about cherries being good for you. They're actually not that good for you. It's just what the people in northern Michigan say to get you to buy their cherries!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM I Also Hope What I Just Swallowed Was Actually a Jelly Bean
Hot lady peon, after spilling candy: I hope he doesn't come by while I'm on the floor eating his jelly beans.
3900 Paramount Parkway
Morrisville, North Carolina
Overheard by: kevin
5PM Been Carrying It Since Last Tango in Paris
Guy: Man, having cigarettes without a lighter is like having peanuts without the jelly!
Lady: Don't you mean butter?
Guy: Oh, no. I got the butter.
1450 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: smoking some distance away
3PM To Talk about It, on the Other Hand...
Suit #1: So, you feeling better today?
Suit #2: Man, I'm never eating Indian again.
Suit #1: Can't have been that bad.
Suit #2: It's just not manly to pee out your bum.
Hospital
England
11AM The Best I Can Offer Is a Latex Glove Full of Frosting
Courtesy clerk: Can I help you find something, sir?
Male customer: Yes. I need condoms and cake right now! If I can't get one tonight, I need the other. Can you hurry?
Grocery store
California
Overheard by: Daphne
1PM What's It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?
Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money...
Boss: That's not what I meant.
Girl: I know!
Texas
Overheard by: the lowly receptionist
9AM Lesbians: Somebody Is Making Waffles?
Receptionist on phone: Yeah, but at this point I'd really rather have waffles than lesbians.
Office building, Downtown Crossing
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: what?
4PM Then He Came Down from His Trip, Crawled Inside, and Went to Sleep
Saleswoman: Actually, I'm a vegetarian.
Salesman #1: Oh man, I couldn't do that. That is crazy.
Salesman #2: Yeah, my dream is to eat an entire cow.
Salesman #1: My friend actually bought a second refrigerator so that he could put a cow into it.
Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie
10AM Some Adages Just Don't Translate to English Very Well
Peon: It still wouldn't look like soup to me, even if the dog was swirly.
143 South Street
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM At the Long John Silver's Exotic Erotic Ball
Lady: They're going to have fish, chicken, whips, whatever.
440 Park Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Now He Has to Spend Four Months a Year There
Editor: It occurs to me that a pomegranate was not the best choice for fruit to eat at my desk.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
12PM But without the Hassle of a Trial
Supervisor #1: Anyone want any chocolate? I have three pounds.
Supervisor #2: From the boyfriend, huh?
Supervisor #3: I don't think I could eat three pounds of anything. What could I eat three pounds of?
Supervisor #1: Ice cream. I could eat three pounds of ice cream.
Supervisor #3: I could definitely eat three pounds of ice cream. That's kind of a gross thought, though.
Supervisor #1: It's like eating a preemie.
200 New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon hate v-day
12PM Get Your Tail Out of My Coffee!
Cube rat: You know, every time I eat something tiny like a nut or a seed I feel like a monkey.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: mego
3PM Like Mothballs, with a Hint of Vicks
Guy: I can't stand Red Bull. It tastes like old people.
Girl drinking Red Bull: You know what that tastes like?
Lucent Boulevard
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Red Bull Ben
5PM You Want Mine? I'm Suddenly Not Hungry Anymore
Boss: I hate these burritos. The ingredients aren't mixed up at all. It's like a fetus they mangled into a tortilla.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Developer
2PM In My Defense, I Also Talk about Sex All Day Long
Chick: Dude, you're such a poser. You talk about food all day long and then go home and eat salad. You're not a real fatty like me. Talk to me when you join the club.
500 West 4th Street
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
10AM To Prevent Monkey-Deficiency Anemia
Cube dweller: I think you just need to eat more monkey...
731 Fairfield Court
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: it actually made sense at the time
3PM US Falls to Last Place in Math Internationally
Guest: I want some popcorn shrimp.
Waitress: Do you want a half pound or three-quarter pound?
Guest: I'll have the half pound. It's bigger, so we can share.
206 West Franklin Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: HazyJay
3PM What Is It with These People?
Phone rep #1: What's that?! A cheeseburger without cheese?!
Phone rep #2: Yeah. It's called a hamburger.
500 North Central Expressway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: amused coworker
4PM He Wore the Suit at Football Games
Male cube dweller: Hey, have you ever had armadillo meat?
Female cube dweller: Yeah, all the time! It's awesome with onions!
Vancouver, Washington
Overheard by: Armadillo What...
12PM I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day
Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.
Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie
12PM Has to Be Heavily Carbonated to Face the Faculty
Student teacher: So, what is your school's policy concerning sodas? Am I allowed to bring them as long as they are in an unmarked container?
Teacher: Yes, most definitely. Some of the other schools in the area have taken out their drink machines for teachers, but our principal's a Coke addict.
4858 Lead Mine Road
Snowville, Virginia
12PM Stop Making It Out of Intestines
Coworker: What's it gonna take to get you to eat this sausage?
Merchandise Mart
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Retard Sandwiches? So '80s
Frustrated clerk to group of traders: Did you guys have retard sandwiches for lunch or something?
Smart-ass in back: I had a burrito.
Trading Desk
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Walking by...
3PM James Madison Drops Traditional Wrestling, Adds Jell-O Variant
Guy #1: I love the Jell-O here.
Guy #2: Yeah... Want to go take a shower?
Guy #3: Hell yeah, let's go take a shower!
Guy #1: Alright, I'll run to my room, drop off my stuff, and we can head over to take a shower.
Kinsolving dining room
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HornFan
4PM Yeahhh, Definitely Need My Smoothie. Yeahhh
Chick: A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. As long as I have my smoothie, I'm okay. Smoothie -- okay. No smoothie -- not okay.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
12PM I Think I Agree, but I Don't Care for Your Tone
50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn't even have to be seasoned! It's from the ocean!
Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York
11AM We're Going in after It
Lunching woman to another: So, Ellen*, what're you gonna do about your cow's undescended testicle?
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glynda
5PM For Bernard, the Processes of Digestion and Elimination Had Become Suboptimal
Greasy suit as his chili is served: ... And that's exactly why I go in to get colonics.
Skyline Chili
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM The Customer Is Always Right
Old guy: Small fish and chips.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes.
Old guy: What? I'm very deaf.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes!
Old guy: What? I can't hear you.
Italian vendor: No fish! Have a look here [points to other menu items].
Old guy: I can't see so well. Just get me a fish and chips.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Why are you talking to me?! I can't hear well! Just get me a fish.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Are you stupid? I'm deaf and nearly blind, just get me a fish and chips! God, you'd think you didn't have any fish!
Edinburgh, Scotland
United Kingdom
10AM In Other Ews, a Riverside Woman Has Given Birth to Twin Cobs
Customer service girl eating from Christmas popcorn tin: Ew! These are sterile!
6141 Riverside Drive
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
3PM I'm Not Sure, Doctor
Man: Oooh, whatever was on my finger tasted good! I wonder what it was...
Dallas, Texas
10AM She's Saying, 'I Want to Take Your Meeting Minutes'
Man to female coworker: I don't think you understand -- you brought in fried chicken for us. This gesture is a little more serious than, 'I can tolerate your presence,' and quite honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready to take our relationship to that level.
M Street
Washington, DC
2PM I Learned That from Watching The L Word
Waitress: What can I get for you this evening?
Tourist: My brother here really wants to try some sushi, but he's never had any.
Brother: I'm afraid I can't handle the sushi.
Waitress: Oh, honey, no man can handle the sushi.
Sushi Samba
New York, New York
2PM We Know You Put Eggs In! Give It a Rest Already!
Sophomore: Dude, I really want a taco right now, but it's early in the morning...
Friend, leaning in: Nah, that depends on what kind of taco you're talking about. There are different kind of tacos... Heh, heh, you know what I mean?
Sophomore: Dude, shut up!
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thanks Captain Obvious
4PM Vegetarianism Is a Journey, Not a Destination
Sandwich artist: What kind of sandwich do you want?
Guy: I'm a vegetarian, so I want the veggie sub.
Sandwich artist: What items do you want on it?
Guy: Everything in the picture... And throw some chicken on there.
Sandwich artist: You can't have chicken on that! Chicken is meat!
Guy: Chicken ain't meat! Just put it on there!
Subway
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM People Eat Those?
Coworker #1: Hey, would anyone like one of my canned Vienna sausages?
Coworker #2: Can you suck the jelly off of it first?
Coast Guard Headquarters
Washington, DC
5PM The Code Remains Unbroken
Dumb girl: Why do they call it 'Chicken Cordon Bleu'?
Dumb guy: Uh, duh! Cor-don-bleu... It means 'ham-and-cheese'!
Rockford, Illinois
1PM Nice. I Gave Him Some Crackers without Incident
Asian coworker #1: Bob gave me some egg rolls, you want one?
Asian coworker #2: Was he being nice or racist?
2075 High Hill Road
Bridgeport, New Jersey
Overheard by: I like chinese too
2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'
Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.
7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey
10AM Wow, Nobody at My Last Job Was Even Interested
Female coworker #1: I love to eat!
Female coworker #2: I have such a big appetite, I bet I could eat you under the table!
214 Lincoln Street
Allston, Massachusetts
2PM Or Defrost a Poodle
Coworker: Oooh, look at that microwave. It's all '50s and industrial and stuff.
Boss: Yeah, look how big it is. You could cook a whole baby in there!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Glad I'm not her baby
11AM That's My Time!
Old lady, told class would run late: I have to get home and toss my husband's salad!
Class erupts with laughter, and the boy next to her explains the innuendo.
Old lady: If I was going to lick his ass, I'd say so... But it isn't something I'd do before dinner.
CCSN campus
Las Vegas, Nevada
5PM Gives You Strength to Fight the War on Obesity
Large coworker: What you do is you split the Krispy Kreme in half and grill it, then put the cheeseburger on it, and I swear, it's the best way to have it.
Capitol Hill
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jessica
11AM Gives a New Meaning to 'Dirty Cop'
Cop: Oh my god! This peanut butter pie is so good, I just want to rub it all over my ass and dance around the lobby!
Tanner Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Xtina
10AM I'm Sure They Felt a Vague Sense of Discomfort
Dude: I bought a tea today in the first time in months.
Chick: I'm proud of you...?
Dude: Well, I threw it away when I got back here.
Chick: What? Why?
Dude: There wasn't any sugar in it.
Chick: Did you ask for sweet tea? Wait, we're in the South -- it should just be assumed you want sweet tea.
Dude: Yeah, I know, right? But it wasn't.
Chick: You should have asked them if they just weren't catering to their southern customers and made a scene. That would have been fun.
Dude: Well, I did yell at them. I was, like, four miles away at the time, but I was really cussing them out.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Maybe You Should Stop Sleeping with Sailors
Lady coworker #1 standing in hospital cafeteria line: Wow. Cod again? Why can't they have a bigger variety of seafood?
Lady coworker #2: It would be great if they would serve something besides fish, like shrimp or crab.
Lady coworker #1: Shellfish is always best when it's fresh, though. Whenever I go to the East Coast I always come back with crabs.
2801 W Oklahoma Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM They Save the Real Lobster for the Paying Customers
Interviewer: When I was visiting the Culinary Institute in Hyde Park, the chefs created a lobster sorbet that was really interesting. Did you have to make it when you went to school there?
Candidate: Yeah, that shit is the cat's litter.
Interviewer, confused: Really?
3350 Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM I Get Hungry in There
Employee: What are you doing tonight?
Manager: I have to pick up a turkey and then get a CAT scan.
140 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
4PM At the Sal Monella Country Inn
Waitress: And so the guy from the health department says we have, like, one day to get this shit cleaned up or he is shutting us down. Oh my god, he's right! Look at all this crap in the bottom of the ice... [As two customers walk in] Oh, hello. Two for dinner?
Diner
Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
5PM Just the Grilled Water, Then
Server: Are you ready?
Customer: I don't know what I want. What do you like?
Server: When the customer makes up his mind and orders.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: I Like the Grilled Tuna
10AM And by That I Mean Those Little Plastic Containers Shaped Like Lemons
Waitress to customers: We take vodka and add fresh-squeezed lemon juice... from lemons.
Pamplico Highway
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: I Prefer Limes
3PM Yeah, It's a Cracker Thing. You Wouldn't Understand.
Paralegal #1: Don't you remember Zweiback cookies when you were little?
Paralegal #2: Uh, no.
Associate: You white people are into different things.
180 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
12PM God, It's Good to Be Employed Again!
9 to 5-er: I love orange juice! It's like eating an orange, and I like oranges!
El Toro Road
Laguna Hills, California
Overheard by: I like oranges, too
5PM Millions and Millions Puzzled
Guy: I'll have a Number Three, and can I have a small chocolate shake?
Bimbette employee: No.
Guy: No, I can't have a shake?
Bimbette employee: Nope.
Guy: Are you saying no to the 'small,' the 'chocolate,' or the 'shake...'?
Bimbette employee: Both.
Guy: So, both of the three, huh?
Bimbette employee: Yes, but you can have vanilla.
Guy: I would love vanilla, thank you.
McDonald's, 53rd Street and 2nd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brian
9AM How to Get a Carrot onto a Plane
Female employee: Can I stick my hand in there without getting HIV?
Male employee: Yeah, but you might pull out a carrot or two.
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Cube around the corner
2PM The Chef Went on to Win a Nobel in Physics
Girl #1: The lasagna I had for lunch was made funny. It had air in it.
Girl #2: How'd they get air in the lasagna?
Girl #1: I think it was after the layer of sauce.
Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Parallel Conversations May Finish at the Same Time but Will Never Meet
Cube rat: I love Thai food...
Mail guy: Man, you should marry an Asian lady.
Cube rat: ... But I don't like sticky rice.
Mail guy: She doesn't have to be sticky.
1771 N Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: just another temp
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
3PM Having Been Replaced As the Homo-Pretense Capital of the World, New York's Reaction 'Mixed'
Paralegal: What can I get you guys?
Consultant: Just a coffee.
Young consultant: Could I get a white mocha latte, please?
Head lawyer: Where do you think this is, LA?
Law firm, Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Needless to Say, I'll Never Eat Government Cheese Again
Editrix: I remember a time at this company when someone would say there was free food, and I'd go get some. It didn't matter what it was -- I ate it because it was free.
Scheduler: Sounds like a dark time.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: Writer guy
9AM Mariah Carey?
Coworker on phone: Quick, think of a biracial vegetable!
Seattle, Washington
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
9AM Note to Self: Remove Foot from Mouth. Insert Banana.
IT guy #1: Oops, I dropped my banana.
IT guy #2: Well, that's the great thing about peelable fruit -- the inside is safe.
IT guy #1: Yeah, you can put it anywhere.
555 W 112th Avenue
Northglenn, Colorado
2PM Plus, the Witch Is Always Trying to Trick Us into the Oven
Employee: First they stuff us with pie, then they expect us to work.
South Rainier
Seattle, Washington
3PM And We Must Never, Ever Utter It Aloud
Waitress to another: No! There's a reason I don't eat the coleslaw! No!
Cafe
Salt Point, New York
Overheard by: Not eating it either
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
9AM A Little Accident with the Stove... Why?
9 to 5-er: I've smelled burnt human, and it doesn't smell like chicken.
Austin, Texas
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
12PM Brice Now Regretted Choosing the How-Can-I-Be-Happy-in-a-World-Full-of-Suffering Meal
Guy: You know, it's really unfair we have 24-hour food, and some places have no food at all.
38th Street and I-465
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Mylisa Suzanne
11AM That's Your Answer for Everything
Coworker #1: Are you bringing something tomorrow?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I'm not sure what. Everyone is so hard to please.
Coworker #1: I know. I want to make that pasta dish I told you about, but it has a lot of vegetables. I have to find out who likes what, and what they don't like. It'd be easier to kill everyone instead.
12300 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
11AM No, That Kind Really Sucks
20-something chick #1: Yeah, can I get a ham and cheese sandwich on fellatio bread.
20-something chick #2: Ummm, I think it's called 'focaccia' bread...
Lafayette, Indiana
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
12PM I've Voted for Them in Every Election Since 1992
Designer: How are you on vaccuum-packed sausage wieners?
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM She'll Regurgitate it into Your Mouth for You, Like a Mother Bird
Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.
Corper's Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
5PM Especially When it Leaks out the Hole in my Side
Student: Ooooh, grape juice! I love drinking grape juice. It makes me feel like Jesus.
Eastern Kentucky University Dining Commons
Richmond, Kentucky
3PM The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them 'Delis'
Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.
Wilton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Derek Paruolo
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Didn't Speak up
Writer: 'Portly' sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: 'Portly' sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That's not 'portly!' That's obese!
Designer: What's the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM I Nodded Off During the Part About the Rain Forests
Gay drama teacher: We're going to McDonald's, did you want us to pick something up for you?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I don't eat there.
Gay drama teacher: Why, because of the movie Supersize Me?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I stopped eating there ever since they started cutting down the rain forests to make room for more cow pastures for their meat.
Gay drama teacher: So... then, you don't want McDonalds?
1311 E Katella Ave
Orange, California
2PM One EggBeater Experience is Enough
Employee #1: Ok, I'm taking breakfast orders for the meeting, what do you guys want?
Employee #2: Ummm, I'll have the western omelette.
Employee #1: Ok.
Employee #2: Oh, wait...are there eggs in that?
Employee #1: Uh, yeah!
Employee #2: Okay then!
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: You've got to be kidding
5PM He Whizzed Through Med School
Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.
York Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: the other assistant
11AM Pregnancy: Like a Tapeworm, but With a Baby at the End of it All
Coworker: I wish I was pregnant. You can eat as much as you want and nobody says anything.
Dakota Street
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
5PM May I Suggest Decaf, Sir?
Suit: Why do we have Swiss Miss and Nesquik?
Warehouse guy: Ummm, they're not the same thing.
Suit: How so? They both make hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Well, maybe cause Swiss Miss goes in milk and water?
Suit: So why don't we just keep this around? It's a multi-tasking hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Huh? Ummm, well, maybe people like the way Nesquik 'multi-tasks.' It can be put in cold or hot milk. Good for the summer.
Suit: And this can't?
Warehouse guy: Dunno. Don't think so...
Suit: Forget it! I'll have coffee!
The Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: CoffeeJunky
10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise
Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
4PM I'll Eat What I Can and Take the Rest Home for Breakfast
Guy on the phone: Yeah, so I'll just eat a light dinner and when we get there we can share a cowboy... Oh yeah, that sounds much better!
Tucson, AZ
12PM Why I Started Eating Lunch in My Car
Employee #1: What the fuck. This sandwich is impossible.
Employee #2: It looks like a big, gaping vagina.
Employee #1: It's like eating out a big vagina. Look! Chunks are falling off!
Employee #2: Your sandwich has an STD! Like hooker poon.
Employee #3, holding identical sandwich missing a single bite: Well, looks like I'm done. If anyone wants my dirty vagina sandwich you're welcome to it. Thanks for the lunch convo.
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kathryn
9AM This Woman Also Finds "The Family Circus" Funny
Co-Worker: I spilled my milk this morning and my husband was like, "Don't cry over spilled milk." He's always saying funny things like that.
Carmel, Indiana
12PM Mainstreaming Dung-Beetle-Americans in the Public Schools May Have Been a Mistake
Teacher #1: I can't teach this kid anymore.
Teacher #2: Why?
Teacher #1: He can't keep his hands out of his pants.
Teacher #2: So?
Teacher #1: Look, do I have to spell it out? He doesn't know the difference between shit and food.
Teacher #2: Oh my god, I'm gonna barf.
Teacher #1: Not around this kid. He might thinks it's a snack.
3035 Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: don't want to eat the food
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
12PM Either That or a Pair of Pants
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I'll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it's a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
9AM This Could Explain Why Her Teeth Chipped Yesterday Morning
Woman #1: Oh, look at the pretty rock!
Woman #2: Um... that's part of a blueberry muffin.
Woman #1: Oh.
Monument Circle
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Gitcher Eyes Checked
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
4PM Charging Extra for Stupidity Could Turn the Country's Finances Around in a Year or Two
Intercom: Welcome to Popeye's. Can I take your order?
Woman: Yes, I'd like a Number 2 with a Sprite, please.
Intercom: That will be $8.43... mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes.
Intercom: Mild or spicy?
Woman: Yes, please.
Intercom: [laughter]
Woman: What? What?
Intercom: That will be $41.23.
Popeye's
Waldorf, Maryland
2PM She Couldn't Find the Container of White Powder
Blond barmaid: What's in a whiskey and coke?
Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: retired from the service industry
12PM Made from 100% USDA Grade A Cops
Temp: All the food here is good, especially the bacon. I mean, this is real bacon, not the kind you buy at the store.
Culinary school
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: I'm surrounded by idiots
10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke
4PM You're Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don't Want to Be Here When You Do
Employee: My friend ate a penis once... but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
5PM When Your Job Is Over Hard
Waitress: Can I ask you something? This customer wants two eggs. But he wants them fried. Do we even do that here?
Manager: Um, yes. Actually most eggs are fried. There's over easy, sunny side up, over hard...
Waitress: Oh, really? OK. Whatever.
30th & Walnut Streets
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Just having oatmeal
10AM He Was Much Worse Before the Diversity Training
Suit: You're Asian, so I bet you want tea. We Americans like our morning coffee.
Asian interviewee #1: No, I had Starbucks on the way here.
Suit: We Americans like milk in our coffee. Asians drink it black, right?
Asian interviewee #2: No, I take mine light and sweet.
Suit: Well, you still wanna work here, right?
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing in America
1PM He Means It's Inauthentically Trying to Be Like Soup Without Actually Being Soup
Customer: Excuse me, miss!
Waitress: Yes, sir?
Customer: My soup is too soupy.
Waitress: Well, I'm sorry, sir, if your soup is too soupy, but it is soup.
Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: he deserved it
12PM Will Someone Please Buy This Nurse a Knockoff Prada Clutch or Something?
Nurse #1: Do you think it's okay to eat this? It was in there with the specimen bag.
Nurse #2: Oh yeah, it's fine.
Hospital
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: jessie spano
5PM Try the Anisette Liqueur
Boy to mother: There isn't any licorice here!
Liquor Store, 1322 West 3rd Avenue
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: Eric
2PM We Tell Them Americans Are Fat Monsters. Is That What You Meant?
Trainer: In America, when our kids don't finish their meals we tell them that there are starving kids in Africa. What do you tell them?
Clients from Kenya: [Silence]
Cafeteria, Hazina Towers, 258 Monrovia Street
Nairobi, Kenya
5PM Your Testimony Is Highly Suspect
Designer: Here, just try it.
Writer: No.
Designer: Come on! Why are you being so stubborn?
Writer, shouting: I am not putting that in my mouth! It's all limp!
Pause.
Writer, shouting into hallway: I was talking about French fries!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
2PM It's What She Would Want If She Weren't Selfishly Preoccupied With Her Little Personal Problems
Co-Worker #1: ...and who ordered the salad?
Co-Worker #2: Marie*, but she left for the day.
Co-Worker #1: Is she okay?
Co-Worker #2: I hope so. She was crying when she left. I guess the police called and said her 7-year-old daughter was a town over from where she was supposed to be, and no one knows where the sitter went.
Co-Worker #1: Oh, that's awful. [long pause] So you think that means I can eat her salad?
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
1PM Error! Error! Does...Not...Compute...Error!
Female customer: Excuse me, what is this?
Guy behind counter: It's gazpacho soup.
Female customer: But it's cold.
Guy behind counter: It's supposed to be served chilled.
Female customer: But you said it was soup.
Hospital cafeteria
New York, New York
11AM The Government Is Watching Him, But Only For Laughs
Clerk guy: Yeah, so we ordered a pizza last night, and the guy on the phone knew my address, get this, before I even told him!
Clerk girl: Don't they have caller ID or something?
Clerk guy: Man, I don't know. I was smoking a big one, and I was like, "Dude, whoa. I think the government is all watching me now."
Clerk girl: Um, probably not.
Clerk guy: Then explain to me how they knew my address and what kind of pizza I ordered last time! Explain that!
Kmart
Temple, Texas
Overheard by: Vicky
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
9AM Just Another Typical Day Here at the Department of Redundancy Department
Manager: What was the soup de jour of the day today?
Sterling Forest Road
Sterling Forest, New York
Overheard by: Mark D.
3PM Remind Me Again Why You're in Charge?
Employee #1: Do we have any Band-Aids in the back?
Manager, after long pause: Uh...I don't think so.
Employee #2: Oh, Susan* said we did. I need one.
Manager: Um...I'm pretty sure we don't, but I'll look.
After disappearing in the back for 5 minutes, manager comes back out to the register.
Employee #1: So there were none back there?
Manager: Nope.
Employee #2: I'm sure there are some. Not even in the first aid kit?
Manager, after another long pause: Oooh! Band-Aids! I thought you said, "Mayonnaise"!
Victoria's Secret
New Mexico
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
4PM Goering Was Especially Tasty
Man: We're gonna make some bratwurst.
Woman #1: What's the difference between sausage and bratwurst?
Woman #2: Well, bratwurst is German.
Woman #1: So they're just German pigs?
Company picnic
Montclair, New Jersey
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
4PM What Happens When a Tourist Is Deaf to All Parts of Speech Except Nouns
Tourist: What is this special wine deal you have tonight?
Waitress: Well, it's 5-dollar Italian wine night, so any wine that is made in Italy is 5 dollars. But we are out of Sauvignon Blanc and Pinot Grigio.
Tourist: Well, I guess I'll have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Waitress: We're out of that. Anything else.
Tourist: Then I'll have a glass of Pinot Grigio.
17th and P Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: guy at another table
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
5PM The Kind Amerigo Vespucci Used to Make
Boss: Mmmm! This pizza's good.
Employee: Oh, yeah. This deep dish one is great.
Boss: Oh, yeah. I saw that one, but it looked too weird to try.
Employee: Yeah, it's Chicago style.
Boss: Oh, that's why. I like just good old American-style pizza.
Frost Bank Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: dizzle
2PM All Hell Broke Loose When She Caught Him Reading the Jolly Rancher Label
Mom, to young child: That's just more junk. I'm not going to buy you something to write with. How 'bout I get you some candy instead?
Dollar store
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: it's not all like this
1PM Michael Milken's Up to His Old Tricks
Exec steals Nutri-Grain Bar from CEO.
CEO: Give that back!
Exec: No.
CEO, cornering exec and pushing him against the wall: Give that to me; that's my Nutri-Grain!
Exec: You aren't getting it back.
CEO: That's stealing, man!
Exec: Buy some more! You've got the money!
CEO, releasing exec: You're a real class act, man.
Exec unwraps and eats Nutri-Grain Bar.
5200 Dixie Road
Toronto, Ontario
11AM Miss Anna Phylactic's Shocking Lunch
Young lady: Are there nuts in the apple walnut salad?
Dining companion, sarcastically: No, it's a new type of apple.
Young lady: Good, because I'm allergic to nuts, and I really want that salad.
Waiter: Do you want the half salad or the whole?
858 Tittabawassee Road
Saginaw, Michigan
Overheard by: Herodotus420
12PM I'm More Interested in the Idea of Cheese
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!
Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: burger lover
2PM Sleepless in the Hardware Department: Act Two
Salesguy on phone: I got your nuts right here!!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Someone Better Rife This Guy Before He Causes Any Serious Madage
Admin: I just ordered the pizzas, but I don't know if it's gonna get here. I kept telling them, "Our building is on Exalander Road," and they didn't even know where that was.
Boss: We work on Alexander Road.
Admin: I know, that's what I kept telling them. Exalander Road. But they had no clue.
Route 1 South and Alexander Road
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily
3PM Fat Gene Linked to Responsibility-- More Details to Follow
Female CSR #1: Did you get a brownie?
Slightly-larger female CSR: No, I can't leave my desk and work to get a brownie. That would be brushing off my duties.
Female CSR #1: Well, I'm not a fat person. I wouldn't know.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
12PM But You Can Pour This Cappuccino in Your Underpants
Starbucks customer: Yes, I'd like a grande Dolce & Gabbana latte?
Extremely patient barrista: You mean a Dolce cinnamon latte?
Starbucks customer: No! I said Dolce & Gabbana, and that's what I want!
Extremely patient barrista: I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't sell that here anymore.
Starbucks, Indian River Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: a smarter customer.
10AM Kind of, But With...Not Sure Quite What the Word Is...
Co-Worker #1: Is that ice coffee?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: Does it really taste like coffee?
57th and Lexington
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kimberly A.
5PM I Heard Otherwise From the Last Guy Who Filled Your Cocoa Slot
Worker #1: They're out of orange juice again.
Worker #2: Yeah, and they haven't refilled the cocoa slot, either.
Worker #1: They're also out of Dr. Pepper.
Worker #3: Well, you could just have the Diet Dr. Pepper.
Worker #1: I'm not an animal!
1166 Sixth Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Honey Bunches of Retrovirus
Tech #1: Did you see this consumer complaint? "Your cereal gave me herpes and AIDS." I guess we're giving out AIDS as a special promotion.
Tech #2: We're putting blood in the product now?
Tech #1: Knowing this place, more likely it's semen.
901 East Whitmore
Modesto, California
Overheard by: Changing my breakfast plans
1PM He Brought the Pepperoni, Though. (Bow Chicka Bow Bow)
Voice on intercom: Would the person who ordered a pizza please come up front to pay for it? What? Oh! Cancel the last announcement. It is the Fed Ex guy not the pizza guy.
57060 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM Then What Will We Shove in Your Mouth to Keep You Quiet?
Man: They are having wild fires out West again.
Woman: Maybe we should send them marshmallows.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM Refueling
Power broker #1: Two large cappuccinos.
Cashier: Thank you. That will be $4.50.
Power broker #1: Where's the cinnamon?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we're out of cinnamon.
Power broker #1: Then I don't want it!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Power broker #2: Okay, let's just bring it back to the office.
Power broker #1: No! Just give me my money back. I can't drink the foamy milk without the cinnamon.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mark
12PM Lunch
Accountant: We're taking Mark* to Joe's Crab Shack for his retirement party at the end of the month.
Secretary: Is that where you want to go? I figured you for more of a Hooters man. Wouldn't you rather have Hooters than crabs?
Mark: I thought the two went hand in hand! You can't have one without the other.
401 Church Street
Nashville Tennessee
12PM Lunch
Customer: So, this Wild Mushroom Pizza, does it have mushrooms on it?
Waitress: Ummm, yeah.
701 Lynnhaven Parkway
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cassandra
12PM Lunch
Employee: Oh, I've had their Mandarin Chicken Salad, but I didn't like it. Then again, I don't like Mandarins.
711 Third Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lolito
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: Have you been to Joey's*? It's awesome.
Coworker #2: Not in a long time. Not since it was a deli.
Coworker #1: Oh, you should go. They have those big hooba wooba pipes...Hooba booba...Hooba hooba pipes?
Coworker #2: Do you mean hookas?
Coworker #1: Yeah.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
12PM Lunch
Lunchbreaker: Do you want half my cheeseburger?
Worker: No.
Lunchbreaker: Oh, d'oh. I forgot.
Worker: If I'm going to eat meat again, I wanna eat a slab of beef that is over thirty dollars. I want to make sure that when I'm in the bathroom with cramps, that it is worth it.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Female manager: Where did you eat?
Male manager: My guilty secret...McDonald's!
Female manager: Oh. Don't take this the wrong way, but...I actually don't know anybody who's eaten at a McDonald's.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Guy with food in elevator: There's the freaking writing on the wall!
Girl with food: Yeah, I know! Putting it on broccoli? Cheese?! Pretty soon she'll just be eating ketchup by itself!
1285 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
4PM Break Room
Engineer #1: This milk's gone bad.
Engineer #2: So you just put three quarters of a gallon of bad milk back in the fridge?
Engineer #1: I told Hal* this morning and he said he'd take care of it, but obviously never did, so now whoever used it is gonna end up sick in bed tomorrow.
Architect: That's ok, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.
71 West 23rd Street
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Fat lady: I want your 21-piece bucket of chicken.
Rude employee: Is that for here, or to go?
Fat lady: You think I can eat this whole thing by myself?
Rude employee: I don't know your life. Bitch!
1406 Saint Charles Avenue
New Orleans, Louisiana
12PM Lunch
Waitress #1: The chicken is layered with proscuitto, sage, and pecorino cheese...
Customer snickers.
Waitress #1: What's so funny?
Customer: It's just... the cheese! [snickers again]
Waitress #1 to waitress #2: What is funny about pecorino cheese?
Waitress # 2: You said "pecker."
Victorian Square
Sparks, Nevada
Overheard by: waitress # 1
12PM Lunch
Coworker: I know anytime I go to a place with Ted Danson's picture on the wall, they are gonna have great food.
200 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Lunch
Temp: Apparently he eats his cat's leftovers.
140 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: another temp
12PM Lunch
Food service worker: What type of soda would you like today?
Female customer: Large.
Food service worker: Yes, mam'm. But what type or flavor did you want?
Female customer: I said large.
Food service worker: Yes, ma'am. Diet Coke? Sprite? Coke? What type?
Female customer: Are you fucking stupid or something? Large. A large soda. How many times do I have to tell you?
San Diego Mall Food Court
San Diego, California
3PM Snack Run
Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she's going on vacation and doesn't have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
12PM Lunch
Proofreader: I have a totally exciting life . . . I think it's why I eat so much candy.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
4PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: Hello? Hi honey. Yes? No, no. Mayonnaise. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? M. A. Y. O. N. N. A. I. S. E. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Okay, see you tonight.
1150 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Snack Run
Girl: I'm going to the store. Do you want anything?
Guy #1: Yeah, can you get me a Dr. Brown's black cherry soda?
Girl: Ok.
Guy #1, holding out cash: Here.
Girl: What's that?
Guy #2: It's called money. What? It's been so long since you seen it, you don't recognize it! Damn, next time hand her some post-it notes and let her be on her merry way!
250 West 30th Street
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Tech support guy on phone: Hi, I was wondering if you had a hair dryer?
...No, I have a meeting in about an hour, and I spilled coffee on my pants, and I don't want to go this meeting with wet pants.
...I figured since you have such beautiful hair that you probably have a hair dryer.
...Well, thanks anyway, but a curling iron is probably not going to work.
160 Rio Robles
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Mitch Shiver
3PM Slushie Run
Coworker#1: Okay, I'm back.
Coworker#2: Where did you go?
Coworker#3: We went to get a slushie.
Coworker#2: What? Where's mine?
Coworker#1: You didn't say you wanted one.
Coworker#2: Well, must my slushie needs be known to everyone? I just can't believe you went without even asking me.
Coworker#3: How is she supposed to know if you wanted a slushie?
Coworker#2: I always ask her if she wants one when I go. I even give her money if she wants one. Oh, and look now. Now your're drinking it in front of me.
Coworker #1: Dude! You never said you wanted one. You even saw me walk out. Do you even want one?
Coworker# 2: No, I'm fine.
19219 N 4th Street
Covington, Louisiana
12PM Lunch
BIG bigwig: I had a tunafish sandwich for lunch and all I can smell is tuna. Come here; smell me. Do I smell like tuna?
Smallwig: Nope. I know how you feel though. It just stays with you. Tuna definitely lingers.
Florida State University
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: so hard not to giggle
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: How was your vacation?
Coworker #2: Good, except my boyfriend got sick. We think it was on some sushi.
Coworker #1: That's what he gets for drinking that stuff!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: I love this place!
12PM Lunch
Accountant: This chicken [Sue] brought in is yummy. I'm just going to take a break to eat it here rather than take it back to my desk. I don't trust myself not to get my paperwork all greasy.
Supervisor: That's why I'm going to make a sandwich out of it.
Secretary: Oh, I don't care about greasy fingers. All I do is handle incoming checks all day.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: Well do you want to eat these peeps or not?
Co-worker #2: Hell no... They are hella stale
Co-worker #1: Well. okay. I guess we'll just have to set them on fire.
50 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Hey there! How are you feeling about your second day?
Intern: Whelmed.
Manager: I'm sorry, what was that?
Intern: Whelmed. You know, you can be "overwhelmed" and "underwhelmed," but I'm just "whelmed."
Manager: I see. Well, maybe some coffee would help?
1400 16th Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Lunch
Cubicle girl: [Brad], want anything from Taco Bell? I'm making a run.
[Brad]: Yeah, I'll go with you. But let me give you my order first.
Cubicle girl: But you're coming with me.
[Brad]: I don't want to forget what I want. So I want the spicy chicken, spicy, make sure it's spicy...
250 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Broker #1: Why is she laughing?
Broker #2: She already told you -- she thinks it's funny to buy gag candy and make everyone in the office fart.
Broker #1 laughs.
Broker #2: I mean, she's so young. We all want to kill the other people in the office and she just wants to make them fart.
Broker #1: Look at her, she's still laughing.
Broker #2: Ah, youth. All they do is giggle.
399 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: LH
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Wanna go eat lunch with us? We're having Ethiopian.
Co-worker #2: Ew! You're going to be eating beetles and shit.
Co-worker #3: Do we have to bring our own leaf to eat off of?
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning... apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood... $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It's only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We'll use the hamsters to make fur coats... Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we'll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men's bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we're done selling them all, we'll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too -- a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let's try not to eat them.
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why are there empty containers in the fridge?
Co-worker #2: To keep them cold.
12 Bassett Street
Providence, Rhode Island
1PM Deliverables Assessment
Employee: Is that why you broke up? No lobster, no nookie... I really didn't mean to say that so loud.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
3PM Snack Time
Male employee: I was sitting at my desk and I was thinking "There's something missing." And I was like, "Oh yeah! Nuts in my mouth."
1111 Lockheed Martin Way
Sunnyvale, California
1PM Running Diagnostics, Part 2
Assistant #1: Did you get out for lunch today?
Assistant #2: I did! It was so nice out I didn't want to come back.
Assistant #1: I think we should all get medals for making it back to work after lunch
Assistant #3: Or a straightjacket.
345 Park Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
African-American co-worker to Caucasian co-worker: You just walked a block through the ghetto to get some chicken? Did you get a five-piece and some biscuits? That's so black of you.
1555 Central Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Kinda ridiculous that a George Foreman mini-grill is able to take down power for half of the floor.
Employee #2: Dude, you're grilling in the office and you're going to talk about what's ridiculous?
1899 L Street NW
Washington, DC
1PM Lunch
Staff #1: Does anyone know what that sign refers to?
Senior Associate: Which one?
Staff #1: The one that says "2121 Lunch E On".
Staff #2: Did you just say "Lunch E On"?
Staff #1: Well, what does it say?
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Ten Kay
3PM Easter Party
VP: This'll be the director's Easter present to you.
Coordinator: Oh, you mean I don't get any eggs this year?
VP: No, you don't.
Coordinator: Well, can you at least hide it so I can find it?
VP: Yes, we can do that.
900 Simpson Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
1PM Lunch
Supervisor on phone: ...I dunno where. You like Korean food? Of course you do, you're one of them.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
1PM Lunch
Manager: Is that goat cheese on your sandwich?
Worker: Yes
Manager: I hear that single goat goat cheese is a delicatessen.
Worker: A what?
Manager: A delicatessen.
6511 Tri-County Parkway
Schertz, Texas
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: This has high-fructose corn syrup.
Worker #2: So you're drinking colored sugar water.
Worker #1: This doesn't even contain water.
Worker #2: What's the first ingredient?
Worker #1: Oh.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Supervising Editor: That's why I hate bananas. They're just too unpredictable.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?
113 University Place
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, why did you get a coffee this morning? We're getting free Starbucks coffee today, remember?
Co-worker #2: Oh, this isn't a coffee. It's a latte.
90 Shawmut Road
Canton, Massachusetts
2PM Color Correction Session
Department Head: So, can we update your job description tomorrow morning?
Employee: No, I have a color correction session to attend.
Department Head: Well, I notice you don't take lunch. You're usually at your desk. What about then?
Employee: I do take lunch. I just eat at my desk and read a book or something.
Department Head: Well, how about doing something more productive with that time? Do you want to meet then?
Employee: No.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Did you know that Big Lots closed all of its furniture stores down? It was no IKEA but it sure had a few nice things in there. Damn I am full of gas this afternoon.
Worker #2: I didn't know they had furniture stores...
Worker #1: Yeah...They have surely came a long way since I was a kid. They always had like the crappiest food stuff. They are a close-out store, right?
Worker #2: I didn't know they had food.
Worker #1: Well, not food food, but like cereal.
Worker #2: Oh, shelf food. Yeah.
Worker #1: Yeah..I would totally not buy discontinued bananas. That's just rank.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Coffee Break
Accountant: Why did you switch from coffee to green tea?
Analyst: Tea is easier on my throat and it has more antioxidants.
Accountant: What are antioxidants?
Analyst: They keep me from having oxidants...Come on! That's funny, dammit!
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
1PM Lunch
Supervisor: This is the best chicken since sliced bread!
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Security Guard: So I told her, "I'm 'bout to go over there & milk that goat. The baby's gotta have sum'inta eat."
9800 Kellner Road SW
Huntsville, Alabama
3PM Lindsay & Andrew's Birthday Thing
Manager: You brought in cake and didn't include me in the e-mail?
Co-worker: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I got everyone.
Manager: Bitch.
260 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: briarose
1PM Lunch
Employee: I have to go to the restroom and grab a bite to eat.
1800 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
9AM It Begins Again
Boss: Where the fuck is my breakfast? Why hasn't it been delivered yet? I'm not even hungry anymore, I could have raised my own fucking chicken for the eggs and planted my own fucking orange tree by now.
Worker: You didn't order anything with eggs.
135 West 36th Street
New York, NY
2PM Conference Call
Manager: You could sit in my office since I am dialed in, but I just got over the crud so maybe that is not such a good idea. Why don;t you go down to the Alpha Room?...No, scratch that. Those guys went
to Taco Bueno for lunch and I am not sure that is such a good idea. Maybe you just better dial in from your office.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
3PM Coffee Break
Cube #1: You know what? I wish I was drinking like...some King Cobra right now.
Cube #2: Oh, I know.
Cube #1: Or like a log of chocolate.
Cube #2: Yeah. Chocolate. In the shape of an actual log.
Cube #1: Yeah.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Broker: I'm going to grab some lunch; if my wife calls, tell her I'm not going down tonight. She'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
250 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Programming #1: I totally didn't realize he was holding a bong.
Programming #2: That explains why the smores thing was funny.
11951 Freedom Drive
Reston, Virginia
1PM Lunch
Doctor #1: I always say, "Carrots are like sandpaper for the colon."
Doctor #2: Yeah, see, most people I know just eat them.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
3PM Gerald's Birthday Thing
Trader: Happy 75th, old man! We got the pizza for your birthday.
Senior Trader: I would have rather gotten a blowjob.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I swear, you'd think we never eat the way we jump on the free food.
Co-worker #2: If it weren't for work I don't think I would eat.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, but I always forget and eat and then I have to eat again when it's free.
Co-worker #2: Not me. I wait for it. But sometimes that's bad, 'cause like, then one day I'll be hungry and I'll be all like, "Why didn't you guys have a meeting today?!"
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Intern #1: So are you lactose intolerant?
Intern #2: No, I'm not lactose intolerant, it just makes my throat close up.
304 Hudson Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Engineer #1: You ever have one of those drives into work where you swear they're giving out driver's licenses as prizes in people's cereal in the morning?
Engineer #2: Mine came with a free decoder ring!
151 Court Street
Binghamton, New York
1PM Lunch
Owner: 28 cents isn't a lot, but after 100 times spending it, that's $28. Listen man, $28 is a bottle of champagne! Instead of throwing it in the trash can, I can drink it, man! $28 on top of $28...That starts to add up to a few bottles of champage and pretty girls and a nice dinner!
8860 NW 24th Terrace
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Amanda
3PM Smoke Break
Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
1PM Lunch
Consultant #1: Where is [Jeff]?
Consultant #2: He's not in my cubicle. That leaves the rest of the universe for you to search.
Consultant #1: Is he at lunch?
Consultant #2: If you're going to start looking, do it now. The universe closes at 5.
250 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Copywriter: Were you looking for me?
Designer: Sorry?
Copywriter: Before, when I was in that meeting...it looked like you were looking for me.
Designer: Ah...Where I walked over, sighed, and declared "Tragedy"; I was actually looking for the coffee. The window to your meeting room just happened to be behind the machine. You guys have better coffee than our side.
12655 Beatrice Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What did you bring for lunch today?
Co-worker #2: Leftover Indian food from last night.
Co-worker #1: Indian food, huh? Never had it. Is it good?
Co-worker #2: It's great. This type is vegetarian.
Co-worker #1: Vegetarian? I thought Indians eat buffalo.
6035 Peachtree Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Keith Canseco
1PM Lunch
IT #1: She's a nut.
IT #2: Most people are.
IT #1: What kinda nut do you think we are?
IT #2: Cashews because we're unique and expensive.
IT #1: I guess we could be macadamians.
IT #2: Those are fatty.
30830 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
5PM You Don't Have to Tell Me Twice
Co-worker on phone: Okay, go home and make dinner and await further instructions.
133 Littleton Road
Westford, Massachusetts
2PM Construction in Progress
Maintenance #1: Don't break 'em off.
Maintenance #2: Don't break what off?
Maintenance #1: These nuts.
224 South Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Software Engineer: We had free pizza today to celebrate sexual harassment or something like that. I didn't really pay attention. I just got the pizza.
30000 Mill Creek Avenue
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: All we ever talk about in this office is food. It is
always in the conversation.
Co-worker #2: Well, it is at every social occasion, and we center our lives around it in a way.
Co-worker #1: We should all become prostitutes so our conversations
center around our sexual liaisons rather then food.
2601 4th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
1PM Lunch
Assistant #1: So you are Jewish, right? That means you have to eat kosher food and not meat?
Assistant #2: Yes, I have to eat Kosher but I can still eat meat. I just choose to be vegetarian.
Assistant #1: That sucks you can't eat meat. I really love salmon.
69 Bloor Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Let's take the new Financial Controller from [the client] out to lunch. Is she cute?...Oh, it's a guy...Does he have a sense of humor?
680 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
3PM Coffee Break
Employee: "Isolate"? Why's there an E on the end?
Supervisor: ...
Employee: Oh. Just kidding!
Supervisor: Seriously?
Employee: It looked weird.
Supervisor: So when you go to the coffee shop, do you order a "late"?
Employee: No, I order a latt. Two Ts.
500 Dulany Street
Alexandria, Virginia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What's inside these things?
Co-worker #2: I don't know, Chocolate, I think.
Co-worker #1: There better not be anything gross inside.
Co-worker #3: That's why I don't eat balls, because you never know what's gonna come out of them.
117 Kendrick Street
Needham, Massachusetts
9AM Back to Work
Analyst #1: We need something to make this tea better.
Analyst #2: Have you tried rum?
10 minutes later.
Analyst #1: Do you have any more rum?
Analyst #3: It's ten in the morning.
225 High Ridge Road
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: QRC
1PM Lunch
CSR: Oh my god. I just spilled soup on my glasses! I was eating soup and it splashed on my face.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Ooh, that smells nice.
Co-worker #2: It's salami. I got it in Czechoslovakia.
Co-worker #1: I didn't know the Czechs were famous for salami.
Co-worker #2: They're not. It's Hungarian salami.
7520 Astoria Boulevard
Jackson Heights, New York
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: I really want to go get a cookie from the food cube, but [Anne's] using the computer in there
Co-worker #2: Well, go get one anyway. And tell her to pull her pants
down.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Did you know that the egg yolk was never able to be a chicken unless it's fertilized?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I mean, like eating this hard-boiled egg is like eating the eggs that you expel during your period.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, like right now I mean, you could get down and just lap it up.
845 United Nations Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sharon
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Office Manager: It's like apples and oranges: they are all the same.
15530 Herriman Boulevard
Noblesville, Indiana
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, did you all bring in cookies?
Co-worker #2: God, you're like a shark when there's blood in the water.
3701 Wayzata Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Get Mail
Secretary: The mailman was supposed to come back today, but I haven't seen him yet.
Agent: Which mailman was it? The old guy, or the nerdy guy with the glasses?
Secretary: No, it was an Asian guy.
Agent: Oh. He's probably having lunch again.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Orgeon
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: Wearing the pinstripe today, eh? Real banker-like.
Manager: Yeah, makes me work harder. But you should see me at 4:30. I'll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and working the park.
Employee #1: Pardon?
Manager: I'll be selling hot chocolate.
Employee #2: Is that your name there or the product you'll be selling?
3 King Street S
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: SAM BRUNTON-LEWIS
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Are we still on for lunch at the strip club on Wednesday?
Worker #2: You bet. Is there really a lunch buffet there?
4 Gateway Center
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Matt
3PM Coffee Break
CSR: Jesus, this coffee tastes like it was brewed in a colostomy bag.
Admin: I think it tastes delicious.
CSR: You would.
4800 NW 1st Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: customerserviceslave
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Make sure you eat some of the leftovers from the potluck.
Co-worker #2: Okay.
Co-worker #1: And you'd better hurry before [Nick] and [Sara] get in there and stuff their faces. They give pigs a bad name.
10011 109th Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: This lunchtime let's lock ourselves in a toilet cubicle with a knife, some string and a needle, and see what happens.
144 Uxbridge Road
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
1PM Lunch
Analyst #1: I hate going into that lunchroom when the people from claims are in there having a potluck.
Analyst #2: I know, it's like the bar scene in Star Wars.
4645 East Cotton Center Bouelvard
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Worker: Lemon cod, please. With pasta and--
Server: Pasta's an entree. Not a side.
Worker: Oh, I didn't see it on the entree sign.
Server: That's because it's a side.
9000 Wisconsin Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Barb
5PM COB
Co-worker #1: Did you see that email [Henry] sent?
Co-worker #2 & #3: Yes.
Co-worker #1: What does he mean by "COB"?
Co-worker #2 & #3: Conclusion of business.
Co-worker #1: Oh, I was hoping it meant "commencement of breakfast."
10900 Stonelake Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: T the Munificent
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Hey, what are you doing?
Co-worker #2: Nothing.
Co-worker #1: What time are you going to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I was gonna go in a little bit.
Co-worker #1: Know what? I was too. C'mon, let's go take a pee, then we'll go to lunch.
1450 Chapel Street
New Haven, Connecticut
3PM Snack Break
Boss: Hey everyone! It's the annual popcorn tin.
Employee: Ooh! I love popcorn tins.
Boss: Yeah, but you're lookin' a little fat, so we're gonna keep it away from you.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Hey, tell them that story you were telling me the other day. The one about Burger King.
Co-worker #2: What story about Burger King?
Co-worker #1: You know...you were with your dad or your father-in-law...
Co-worker #2: The story where my father had a heart attack because of a Burger King sandwich?
Co-worker #1: ...Yeah.
Co-worker #2: That's the story.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Well, when I asked you over for lunch I asked if there was something you didn't eat besides cheese...Well I'm just saying you should have told me you didn't eat pork when I asked...Yes, I know you're Jewish...Well whatever you are, you're an idiot and a liar. You should have told me about the pork...Ew, she's your first cousin.
622 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: The first time I had a Krispy Kreme doughnut, it honestly changed my life.
1125 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker: This place runs like a well-oiled banana.
3000 Mountain Creek Parkway
Dallas, Texas
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: It's such a nice day today, I'll have lunch au naturale.
Co-worker #2: Thanks for the warning.
40 West 57th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Thanks for the pretzels.
Worker #2: Oh, now the bag is dirty.
Worker #1: I'll have you know my hands are clean. I sit here at my desk and sanitize them all day.
Worker #3: You know, I can sanitize you. All women need to be sanitized.
9725 Datapoint Drive
San Antonio, Texas
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Guess what I had for lunch?
Employee #2: Judging from the shit-eating grin on your face I'll guess you tossed a salad.
9200 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1PM Lunch
Account Exec #1: You're acting weird today. You're like, high.
Account Exec #2: I need a juicebox!
462 7th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: This is the hard part. Yep, it still looks like tomato soup.
5801 South Wintersburg Road
Tonopah, Arizona
2PM Managers' Meeting
Manager: I'm sorry that was a dumb question, I just didn't have enough to eat before lunch.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
1PM Lunch and Learn
Worker #1: The "Lunch And Learn" is today, right?
Worker #2: Yep.
Worker #1: Can we take our lunch in?
699 Walnut Street
Des Moines, Iowa
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Oh wow, these are good.
Attorney: What are you eating?
Secretary: They are meatless meatballs.
Attorney: So essentially, you're just eating balls.
1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
3PM Rachel's Birthday Thing
Boss: Those cupcakes are delicious. What a sugar rush!
Intern: I broke out in hives.
Boss: In hives?
Intern: A rash. My skin is very sensitive.
Boss: To sugar?
Intern: Yup.
Boss: That's amazing.
Intern: When I was a kid I got sick and I had to have, like, ten X-rays a day. Literally, five X-rays a day. And I think that messed up my photons.
Boss: Your photons?
Intern: Yeah, that's how X-rays work, you know? They reverse your photons. That's how they get the image.
Boss: Oh.
Intern: That's why my skin is so sensitive, because they messed up the photons. They won't admit it, because they don't want me to sue them. But I know what's up.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is that pumpkin cream cheese?
Co-worker #2: I think so.
Co-worker #1: You mean you just blindly put that on your bagel?
Co-worker #2: What else would make it orange?
Co-worker #1: ...Um...orange?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, what else is orange but pumpkin?
225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How was your lunch?
Co-worker #2: It was okay. We had an old Greek waitress. I didn't care for her too much.
Co-worker #1: Was it the fact that she was old or Greek?
Co-worker #2: It was a combination. Greeks are a weird people.
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
1PM Working Lunch
Co-worker #1: My diet is going really well. I have hardly eaten
anything today.
Co-Worker #2: Oh really?
Co-Worker #1: Yeah, I have had only three hot dogs and two hamburgers.
860 Levoy Drive
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Did you pass the bar?
Worker #2: Yeah, the salad bar.
Consultant: I don't eat salad.
Worker #2: That's why you passed it.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: We had Burger King breakfast in Mexico and it had refried beans and peppers in the eggs.
Manager: They were probably goat's eggs, not chicken eggs.
9353 Jefferson Highway
Maple Grove, Minnesota
3PM Coffee Break
Banker: You can't leave your coffee cup on the edge of my desk. A client almost drank out of it today.
Secretary: You know you want to lick my rim.
2 South Main Street
Youngstown, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
3PM Try Out New Espresso Machine
Office worker: Why does it say "lack of milk"? The whole fridge is full!
Translated from the Swedish.
Arstaangsvagen 21
Stockholm, Sweden
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Every time I see you you have Subway.
Co-worker #2: Yup, I get it every day.
Co-worker #1: What are you, Jared?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is cheesecake a cake or a pie?
Co-worker #2: Hmm...good question. I think it's pie, 'cause it's got a crust.
5900 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Afshin
1PM Lunch
Tech: I am a guacamole of knowledge into which you may dip the nacho of need.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Office worker #1: Coffee, coffee, coffee...I love coffee...Here goes down...down in to my belly. Coffee is the greatest drug ever.
Office worker #2: Seriously, especially since you don't get fat because it doesn't give you the munchies...I need to drink more coffee.
Office worker #1: Yeah, you do.
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You smell of fish!
Co-worker #2: I've been at a fishmongers!
Co-worker #1: Oh! I thought it was an urban myth but they actually do sell fish at a fishmongers?
Co-worker #2: ...What?
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
3PM Research Competitors
Co-worker on phone: What is TFC? Is it like KFC? What are they doing?Chicken?
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: Back in the 90s I wanted to be in a Salt 'n Pepa video. I was in shape back then. You could bounce a quarter off my ass.
Manager #2: Was that a quarter or a quarter pounder with cheese?
4235 South Stream Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sanman
9AM Grab a Cup
Boss: Oh good morning, would you like some coffee?
Building Manager: Oh, I don't think so.
Boss: Oh, have some.
Building Manager: No, thanks. It'll just make me perspire. I had a cup and a half before I left for work this morning and my makeup slid right off my face.
3040 M Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Chris
1PM Lunch
Underling: These people were home users. We also have data for work users, but they shouldn't be double-counted in the combined numbers.
Boss: I am definitely going to Taco Bell tonight.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is garlic a normal constituent of Mexican food?
Co-worker #2: It's not unnormal.
1000 East 50th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: SLP
3PM Coffee Break
Building service: Coffee's shit, man.
White collar: Yeah. Gotta work, though.
The building service person snorts an imaginary line from the countertop.
Building service: Dat's da shit you need, man. Coke id up.
1114 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Look at all that food you have there.
Employee #2: It's going to give me a heart attack, but I love it; especially all the greasy bacon and sausage.
Employee #3: I wish I knew someone who knows CPR in case you have a coronary.
Employee #2: [Sean] and [Gina] are medics, they should know CPR.
Employee #1: What do they know about CPR? They are ambulance drivers.
2727 Walker Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Oh, so you are talking apples and oranges?
Employee #2: No, I am talking about two different things.
701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Make Reservations
Officemate #1: I'm going to a scary restaurant tonight.
Officemate #2: Why is it scary? What kind of food do they serve?
Officemate #1: Grown-up food...I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little worried.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
Overheard by: Rick
9AM Pearls of Wisdom, First Thing in the AM
Secretary: I love this new water bottle I got. It holds all the water you need for a full day. The problem is that when I drink out of it, I look like a hamster.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM Prep for Meeting
Boss: So do you think I should get 3 pies for the meeting since we have 30 people?
Worker Bee #1: Sure, 3 pies should be enough.
Worker Bee #2: I think you need more than 3.
Worker Bee #1: How many do you think we should get?
Worker Bee #2: We need 3.14159 pi.
Boss: Get out of my office. Now.
1010 Second Avenue
San Diego, California
9AM It Begins
Boss: Remember that time I hit you with chicken? Man, that was awesome. I was just glad it didn't happen your first day, becuase you would have quit or something...I'm still sorry about that, by the way.
Intern: It's okay. I like getting hit with chicken.
16 W. 19th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: We're going to a vegetarian place for lunch.
Co-worker #2: Do you think they'll have fish there?
3415 S. Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Call HR
VP Sales: Don't tell Human Resources I said this, okay, but these chocolates are gay.
5 W. Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: Every time I board an airplane nowadays, I look around and figure out who I'm going to eat if we crash.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Grab a Donut
GM: Why don't we have any donuts? We should have a Donut Day.
HR Manager: That won't fly, [Kevin]. I'm trying to promote wellness.
GM: Donuts make me feel well.
2512 Sage Valley Drive
Gillette, Wyoming
Overheard by: John Pettyjohn
9AM Just One More Day
Co-worker: ...I like doing things like hiding grape soda and going into the women's bathroom after work to put up all the seats and write Missy's name on the wall.
1932 Highland Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Leigh
1PM Lunch
Butcher #1: What does that bacon look like to you
Butcher #2: An abortion?
Butcher #1: Exactly. So fix it!
1177 W. Market Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Nate Kelly
1PM Lunch
The boss is laughing hysterically.
Peon: Are you okay?
Boss: I'm okay.
Peon: Are you sure?
Boss: I told you that I thought Wendy's spiked my Coke.
Peon: With what? Crack?
Boss: Spiked my Coke with crack!
3100 W. Lake Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Go Out to Lunch
Co-worker: Avoid the bathroom in about an hour, you-know-who just sat down to eat some pea soup.
1 International Plaza
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: courtesy flush
12PM Ice Cream Eating Geeks Has Its Moments
Boss: You know, there is nothing funnier than geeks eating ice cream.
3175 NW Aloclek Drive
Hillsboro, Oregon
12PM Ah Yes, "The Eddie Murphy Principle"
Office Manager: How do you go out to lunch and come back with a huge cucumber?
Employee: How do men go out at night and come back with hookers?
Office Manager: Huh?
Employee: It's the same basic principle.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
11AM Star Jones Isn't Pulling Her Weight (No Pun)
Queen: I tell you what you do. You put her computer inside a Krispy Kreme box, maybe then she'll get some work done.
142 Greene Street
New York, NY
1PM It's How He Got Invited to His Own Wedding Dinner
Boss: Paychecks didn't come again today. I can lend you money if you need it.
Employee: I have a wedding rehearsal dinner for 50 that I need to pay for this Thursday.
Boss: Well if I lend you the money to pay for it then I'm coming. Where is the dinner?
Employee: I'm not telling.
551 W. Cordova Road
Santa Fe, New Mexico
1PM "...Want to see the vine I grew?"
Account Exec: ...I stopped by this morning to go over stuff from the call but you were out. Were you at [the client]'s?
VP: No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I just ate way too many grapes this morning.
555 Sparkman Drive NW
Huntsville, Alabama
4PM Better Check His Briefcase for Virgins
Suit #1: Why didn't you guys invite [Joe] to eat with us?
Suit #2: Well, we asked him to come but he responded with gibberish and broke out in foreign tongues.
Suit #3: Yeah, I think he's a terrorist.
US Department of State
2121 Virginia Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Bradley
10AM They Must Work at Another Law Firm
Boss: The funniest thing just happened. I've had a banana in my bag for like a month. When I opened my bag a whole bunch of gnats flew out!
Underling: Is that why there are flys all over our windowless office?
Boss: No.
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Looks Like I'm Having Abortion for Lunch
Employee #1: I wouldn't eat caviar. That's fish eggs!
Employee #2: I'd try it...after all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?...Oh.
6525 N. Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Nothing Tastes as Good as Friends...hip
Intern #1: Can I try your sandwich?
Intern #2: Let me think about it for...no. Friendship, food: two very different things.
136 Tooley Street
London, England
Overheard by: Jessica Reed
7PM Maybe It's Not Bob You Should Be Roasting...
Co-worker #1: We're having an office roast for Bob on Friday, since it's his last day.
Co-worker #2: What do I need to bring?
Co-worker #1: You know, jokes, stories about him, like that.
Co-worker #2: That's it? Who's going to cook the roast?
2155 S. Bascom Avenue
Campbell, California
1PM Clarity: Impossible to Apply to a Business Context
IT Consultant: It's kinda like grain is to bread as meat is to wurst.
Highway 280
East Birmingham, Alabama
7PM Only the Ones With Hearing Aids
Two nursing assistants were feeding old men at the home.
Nursing assistant #1: Wow, you're a really awesome chewer.
Nursing assistant #2: I bet you say that to all the guys.
694 Isaac Prugh Way
Kettering, Ohio
4PM If You Don't Have Lunch, When Will You Talk Smack?
Older woman: It isn't good for your metabolism to eat too little.
Younger woman: Yeah, I remember when I was a kid and saw those starving African kids on TV. I said, "They aren't fat, look at their bellies!" That's what happens when you don't eat enough, you get bloated.
1500 University Drive
Billings, Montana
Co-worker #1: Do you want to go to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I'm on a diet.
Co-worker #1: But we're going to get ice cream afterward.
800 E. 96th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
8AM Lycanths Like the Marshmallow Ones
Purchasing manager: We're renegades. We're running with the wolves. We ordered hot chocolate.
1 Railroad Ave
Cooperstown, New York
8AM Do You Have Any Idea How Many Pies Are in One of Her?
Big fat receptionist: Ooh what is that?
Office worker #1: A caramel mochiatto from Starbucks.
Big fat receptionist: I hope you brought me one!
Office worker #2: Do you have any idea how many calories are in one of those?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sebastian O'Conner
12AM Check to See If That Twenty was Rolled
Editor: Oh, get me a cinnamon roll too. Here's a twenty.
Reporter: A twenty? The only people that have money in the middle of the week are drug dealers.
169 West Nepessing Street
Lapeer, Michigan
6AM The Tissues Were Doused in Self-love
Employee: Ew! You're dousing your sandwich in tabasco sauce!
Intern: I'm dousing it in self-hatred.
4 W. Oakland Avenue
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Vivian X
12PM The Professionals Use Persimmon
Female co-worker: Ooh, this melon is so juicy!
Male co-worker: For God's sake, it's like being on the set of an amateur porn film with you, sometimes.
5 Fitzalan Place
Cardiff, Wales
Overheard by: Mark Jenkins
6AM In That Student-Athletes Should Use Both Judiciously
Teacher: Coffee is like steroids, you know.
1600 Maryhill Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
8AM Pope Cliff XVI
Coworker: Wait...John Ratzenberger?
430 Main Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
Maintenance guy: They shoulda had a Puerto Rican pope. Barbecue every weekend!
335 East 45th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Palaverist
12PM I Call Mine "Python"
Boss: What should we call it? Try thinking animal names.
Employee #1: What about "Kumquat"?
Employee #2: A kumquat isn't an animal.
Boss: I like your thinking though.
45 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
8AM "Tech support; can you help me?"
Techie #1: You know what's better than eating girl scout cookies?
Techie #2: Eating girl scouts?
Techie #1: Um, I was going to say, "eating girl scout cookies with milk".
Techie #2: Yeah, that's pretty good too.
Techie #1: You're a fucking sicko.
1 Wall Street
Madison, Connecticut
Overheard by: ^chi^
12AM Man Ordering Take-out
Coworker: Yes, I ordered Italian ice from your menu...Oh, so you don't have any more Italian ice. Hmmm, what else would I like?...Oh, you don't have Italian ice, but you have iced tea?...um, what?
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
5PM A Happy Environment: Us vs. Them
Producer: No! No! They don't get chocolate back there! They're not part of the team!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
12AM Let Me Guess: HR Dept.?
Girl searching through office freezer: Hey, I love cold pizza...wait a minute, this isn't cold, this is frozen!
3701 S. Lindbergh Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Brian Muench
12AM Just Die (So We Can Resurrect You) Already
Office Manager: Are the purple ones grape?
Bored Admin: No, they're not
Office Manager: Are they sugar-free?
Bored Admin: Ah, no, they're not.
Office Manager: They look eastery!
111 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
8AM I Vote We Feed It to the Retards
Boss: Hey, you guys! We're supposed to be a team. I think we should take a vote on the grimy chicken.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
12PM Aloha Exhaustion, Aloha Productivity!
Helpful Co-worker: Does anyone want anything from Starbucks?
Tired Co-worker: Yeah, get me a triple iced mocha with a shot of crack
in it.
827 Fort Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Shiroma
12AM Love Day, One Week Later
Employee #1: I wonder who put these chocolates on my desk.
Employee #2: I put my money on the easter bunny.
Employee #1: Yeah, the easter bunny...at this point in my life I'll even take farm animals into consideration.
360 Hiatt Drive
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
12PM The Zen of Lunch in the Office
Businesslady: Are there places to order in?
Networking Guy: I've got a whole book of places to order in from.
Businesslady: How long does it take?
Networking Guy: How long is a piece of string?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Lunch: One of the Three Most Important Meals of the Afternoon
American Coworker: Lets do Chinese!
Native Chinese Coworker: I know good p[l]ace!
American Coworker: Real Chinese food from real Chinese cooks?
Native Chinese Coworker: No, cooks all Puerto Rican.
11804 Cherry Grove Drive
Gaithersburg, Maryland
1PM Innovation: Slightly Changing a Successful Idea
Coworker #1: I think I'm going to start The Arkansas Bachelor.
Coworker #2: Oh yeah? Women will be tripping all over themselves trying to get away from that.
Coworker #1: It'll be better than just The Bachelor. Forget roses, I'd say, "Would you accept this Busch Light, Maggie Lou?".
3685 Country Club
Fort Smith, Arkansas
8AM ...He gave His only Son, Mr. Peanut... (Retardicus 7:12)
Operations Manager: You don't like peanut butter? You've just blasphemed in my office!
10 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, California
Overheard by: Timbleweed
4PM Yet She Assumes He Understands Her Question...
The food delivery guy waits outside the office to be let in. A woman comes to the door.
Woman: Who is this food for?
He hands the slip to the woman.
Woman: No! "RING" is what you're supposed to do when you get here; that's not the name of the person. How long have you been standing there?
470 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sarah Federman
6AM The Sweet Taste of Fools Getting Their Comeuppance
VP Fundraising: Mmm the aqueous coating on this brochure smells delicious.
Publication Manager: That's the residue from my Krispy Kreme.
2300 4th Ave.
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: Holly Sparkman
