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4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment
Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.
Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: slurific
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
12PM Just Put Your Butt Down and Use Your Words
Black employee #1: I been assin' for a raise and assin' for a raise, but I ain't gettin' any.
Black employee #2: See, that's your problem -- the way you talk. You don't say assin' for a raise, you say, 'I been axin' for a raise.'
Men's room
Torrance, California
2PM Please Leave a Message in Ugaritic after the Beep
Coworker: Hello. I don't speak English.
Newton, Massachusetts
9AM He Was Talking Slowly because He Thinks Americans Are Stupid
Assistant to receptionist: Remember that phone call you transferred to me earlier? The guy you thought was drunk? Turned out he was just Canadian.
Reston, Virginia
1PM I'm Way Better at It Than Jack Is
Coworker: Don't close my door. Jack* and I like to communicate.
Jack: What'd you say?
Williamsburg, Virginia
1PM I Mean, I Am Your... Line, Please?
Waiter: Señorita, would you like something to drink?
Guest: Si, a mojito, please.
Waiter: Muy bien. And señora -- if you need anything else, do not hesitate to ask me. I am your master. I mean, you are my master. No... Uh... I am here to serve you.
Hotel bar
San Jose
Costa Rica
Overheard by: Pura Vida
12PM How International Incidents Begin
Maintenance guy #1 on cell: Hello? Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Si. Sure, okay [hangs up].
Maintenance guy #2: Who was that?
Maintenance guy #1: I don't know -- some Mexican dude. He was talking Spanish and I just agreed with him. I think it was a wrong number.
7160 Riverwood Drive
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: Bored Receptionist
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
5PM So... Yes
Spanish teacher, in Spanish: Margarita, what are you doing today?
Margarita: [Mutters something in Spanish.]
Student: Did you just say, 'I'm planning to attend the party where it is raining babies'?
Margarita: Baby shower. I'm going to a baby shower!
Community college
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
5PM Can't You Hear the Quotation Marks, You Little Punk?
Teacher: Can you say, 'Open the door' in Spanish?
Preschooler: Open the door in Spanish.
Learning center
Bloomington, Indiana
9AM Just People with Bad Hair Making Fun of People with Good Hair
Foreign coworker: What does it mean, 'nappy-headed hos'?
333 Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM The Awful Cost of Gays in the Military
Boss storming through office: Fuck those idiots! They couldn't sell pussy to a troop train!
New girl: What about a train? [Long pause] And did he just say 'pussy'?
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: On the laugh train...
2PM Why Josie Spoiled in the Heat
Chick #1: Sometimes when I'm not wearing a bra and I don't want my nipples to poke out I put Band-Aids over them.
Chick #2: You put mayonnaise on your nipples?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
Chick #2: Mayonnaise?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
9th and Broad Street
Chattanooga, Tennessee
11AM It's a Good Thing We Caught That When We Did
Coworker #1: The new fix is now in place.
Coworker #2: Is this the fix that fixes the unknown thing we don't know about or the other thing?
Coworker #1: The unknown thing.
Oxford
United Kingdom
9AM Yo Quiero Matarle
Redneck employee: So, what do you call a quesadilla?
Latina employee: Quesadilla.
Redneck employee: Really? Just 'quesadilla'?
Latina employee: [Silence.]
Redneck employee: How do you say 'salt'?
Latina employee: [Walks away.]
1720 Indian Trail Lilburn Road
Norcross, Georgia
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
4PM And Why Can't They Control Their Tendency to Generalize?
Asian girl hanging up phone: Why can't Asian people speak English?!
133 East 13th Street
New York, New York
4PM Danny Here Takes Care of Exasturbating the Boss
Ditzy intern: I know you're busy so I'm not going to exasturbate things...
Suit: Oh, not at all... In fact, better that you exasturbate me than the boss.
1901 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
4PM But It Feels So Right
Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.
Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania
4PM The English Don't Think So
Suit #1: He's from England, from some place called Portsmouth. I think it's spelled P-O-R-T-S-M-I-T-H, but it's pronounced like Ports Mouth.
Suit #2: Wait. Is it Ports Mouth, or Ports Smith?
Suit #1: I don't know. It's some place in Europe, I think.
Hotel
Kowloon, Hong Kong
China
Overheard by: Embarrassed American
4PM So We Can Punish the Innocent
Employee to systems guy: So, first of all, we want the truth.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
1PM Well Played, Gang
Project manger: From now on all of the questions are going to be rhetorical.
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: You know what rhetorical means, don't you?
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: Anyway...
Fairfax, Virginia
2PM Joe Bfstplk, As I Live and Breathe!
HR lady: I remember your name. What's your name?
School
Fairfield, Ohio
5PM How Instant Messaging Works
Corporate peon: Did you get my message?
Field rep: No, did you leave one?
Corporate peon: Well... No.
909 Lake Carolyn Parkway
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Bigness
3PM Salesclerk Bob Guccione Asks Every Girl If She'd Like to Try on a Bathing Suit
Chick: Excuse me, do you know where I could find bedding?
Salesclerk with very heavy accent: Bedding suit?
Chick: No, not bathing suits -- bedding.
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: You know, pillowcases? Sheets?
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: Never mind.
Saks Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Until You Whack the Sides of Their Heads, Engineers May Loop Indefinitely
Engineer #1: The error is not repeatable.
Engineer #2: Not repeatable?
Engineer #1: Not repeatable.
Poughkeepsie, New York
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
4PM But I Was Busy Refilling Clarissa
Coworker staring at beeping microwave: I heard you the first time, Fran.
220 West 3rd Street
Denver, Colorado
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
11AM There Are So Few Good Roles for African-American Actresses
Customer: Last week I bought two of these toy bulldozers for my nephews, and I'd like to exchange this one for a backhoe.
CSR: Okay.
Customer: Would you like me to go back to the toy department and get the other one?
CSR: No, I'll page and have someone bring one up here for you. [Over intercom] Attention, Toy Department. Will someone please bring a black ho to the service desk? I repeat, we need a black ho at the service desk.
Value City
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Did that really just happen?
11AM The Customer Is Always Right
Old guy: Small fish and chips.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes.
Old guy: What? I'm very deaf.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes!
Old guy: What? I can't hear you.
Italian vendor: No fish! Have a look here [points to other menu items].
Old guy: I can't see so well. Just get me a fish and chips.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Why are you talking to me?! I can't hear well! Just get me a fish.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Are you stupid? I'm deaf and nearly blind, just get me a fish and chips! God, you'd think you didn't have any fish!
Edinburgh, Scotland
United Kingdom
10AM I Only Left That in the Band Room
Female coworker: So, we have to keep the media room locked now, because the janitor is all upset about the mess the high school kids make.
Male coworker: What kind of mess?
Female coworker: He says they leave gum all over the floor.
Male coworker: What?! That's so incredibly disgusting!
Female coworker, surprised: You think so?
Male coworker: Yes! I can't believe it!
Female coworker: You never did anything like that when you were a teenager?
Male coworker, highly indignant: I certainly did not!
Female coworker: You never chewed gum and spat it out on the floor?
Male coworker: Oh... I thought you said 'cum' on the floor...
Washington
Overheard by: juicy fruit
11AM Jaguar: Ironically, My Married Name Is 'Lion'
Young girl: Mr. Lion! Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: I think that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: That's not a lion, sweetie, that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Okay, mom, but I can't say that word. Mr. Lion!
Woodland Park Zoo
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: James
1PM I Can Read Okay, but I Remember It Backward
Bimbo: I'm probably the most dyslexic you can get without actually being dyslexic.
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
Overheard by: non-dyslexic
1PM That's Why I Have an Assistant
Guy: ... And there's no way I'll fellate myself.
Crowded elevator, 201 Sussex Street
Sydney, Australia
9AM Although a Few Benjamin Franklins Might Speed Things Along
Employee: No, your case does not take presidents.
Customer: Presidents?
Employee: Yes, presidents. You are not more important than anyone else.
Customer: [Sighs] Can I just get the tag?
Brevard County Animal Services Enforcement Office
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: waiting for my rabies tag
5PM The Code Remains Unbroken
Dumb girl: Why do they call it 'Chicken Cordon Bleu'?
Dumb guy: Uh, duh! Cor-don-bleu... It means 'ham-and-cheese'!
Rockford, Illinois
1PM It's All in My GlyphsNotes
Student: Yeah, my name is Frank, but I go by Franco, only the 'O' isn't an 'O,' it's a sun glyph.
NIC, CDA
Idaho
12PM I Also Have an Intermediate Grasp of European
Air Force interviewer: What did you major in at college?
Interviewee: Chinese. Well, actually, my degree was in 'Asian and Middle Eastern Languages and Literature.'
Air Force interviewer: Oh, that's so cool. So, you speak Asian?
Interviewee: Um, yes.
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College
Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.
4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California
1PM Right Next to the 'Irony' Button
Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push "English"? "Spanish" shouldn't be an option. If they can't speak no English, they ain't got no business being here. Where's the "yes" button at?
Cashier: It's the button that says "yes" on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
4PM Hello, I'm Your Tour Guide, Steve, Which Is French For 'Dumbass'
Tour guide: And this here is what we call a "grotto," from the French word for "water."
Secret Caverns
Cobleskill, New York
5PM I Can't Answer That Until You Tell Me If You're Speaking English or Canadian
Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?
Hull, Quebec
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
4PM Goering Was Especially Tasty
Man: We're gonna make some bratwurst.
Woman #1: What's the difference between sausage and bratwurst?
Woman #2: Well, bratwurst is German.
Woman #1: So they're just German pigs?
Company picnic
Montclair, New Jersey
2PM By French Standards, He Got an Obsequiously Polite Person on the Phone
Employee on phone with a French company: I'm sorry that you're offended that I don't speak French, sir...Well, I don't know what to tell you. I speak English and Korean; I just don't speak French. We have a great offer here. I think you'd like to hear about it, even in English...Well, if you'd like I can speak to you with what French I do know but I'm afraid it will only be "hello" and "yes" or "no."...I'm sorry that you think my lack of French represents what's wrong with America in general...
61 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Translation Services
Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.
. . .
Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh...You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.
800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina
11AM Damage Control
Co-worker on phone: I'm sorry, can you say that again?...I'm sorry...I'm having some trouble understanding what you're trying to say...Why don't you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?
Hangs up.
Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country...Christ.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton
4PM Hire New Intern
Intern: I've got to start looking for a job.
Secretary: Did you talk to your Placement Office about networking?
Intern: They sent me some contacts. But they were in the Pacific.
Secretary: Did you contact them?
Intern: I don't even speak Japan.
1010 Gratiot Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: It's such a nice day today, I'll have lunch au naturale.
Co-worker #2: Thanks for the warning.
40 West 57th Street
New York, NY
11AM Drop Off Legal Files
Defendant: Judge, my probation officer says I was drinking. I told him I wasn't! I told him he could blow me.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
2PM Speak with HR
Co-worker on phone: Hello? I need to talk to the Chinese girl...I don't remember her name..."Sing-song", or something like that.
2300 East Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
11AM Cold Calling
Telemarketer: My name is [Adam Randor], ma'am...[Adam Randor], ma'am...Ma'am like madam, madamoiselle...No, my name isn't ma'am...No, my name is [Adam Randor], ma'am...[Adam Randor]. Would Senorita work better?
130 West Canal Street
Winooski, Vermont
Overheard by: Kelly G.
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Will someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with [Josh]? When he gets up in the morning does he have some kind of funhouse mirror? Does he fucking see Tom Cruise when he looks in the mirror in the morning? Because when I look at him I just see an asshole.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: He is bullshiting everyone and saying he slept with the new CSR.
Co-worker #2: Does it really matter? She don't speak English!
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Miller
10AM Conference Call
Manager #1: So, do you have a hurricane there?
Manager #2: There is no hurricane in Atlanta at this time. It's way over near the Yucatan.
Manager #1: Oh. So will you get any of it?
Manager #2: It's like a thousand miles away. It's a little too soon to tell how much it will affect us at this point.
Manager #3: I heard that Wilma is the last name they have on the list.
Manager #1: Ha, ha! What will they do if another one comes? Start over?
Manager #2: They will use Greek letters.
Manager #1: Ha, ha, ha!
Manager #2: That wasn't a joke.
Manager #1: Oh. Ha, ha! So, the next one will be like Hurricane
"XVII" and then Hurricane "XVIII"? Ha, ha!
Manager #2: No. Those are Roman numerals.
5601 N. Lindero Canyon Road
Westlake Village, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You should say this word [unintelligible] next time you have a curry.
Co-worker #2: What does it mean?
Co-worker #1: Just say it, then get ready to run.
Co-worker #2: What language is it?
Co-worker #1: You know what they all speak. Muslim.
Shell Oil
Rig T/O S711
North Sea
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Don't you hate it when your anorexia kicks in?
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: When you see things backwards.
Employee #2: Dyslexia.
423 West 8th Street
Kansas City, Missouri
3PM Court
Bailiff: Okay, I think we need a Jewish interpreter over here! What did you say? Hay broo? Okay, whatever.
141 Livingston Street
Brooklyn, New York
1PM Lunch
Intern: So yeah, the first twenty minutes I was just sitting next to him in the breakroom I didn't say a single word.
Engineer: Does he freak you out that much?
Intern: Well no, I just thought he didn't speak any English.
Engineer: So you finally said something?
Intern: Yeah, I tried to make some small talk by asking what cubicle he sits in. But he spent the next 5-10 minutes trying to explain.
Engineer: He's not that bad at English...
Intern: I don't know. He kept asking what direction was North. By the time I made him point to it, I wished I never said anything. Seriously, what do cardinal directions have to do with your cubicle?
41131 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
11AM I Should Have Known
Co-worker #1: Where should I put all this trash we now have?
Co-worker #2: Oh, just put it over there under the sign marked
"Basura", she'll come and pick it up tonight.
Co-worker #1: Are you serious? You know Basura isn't a person; it means trash in Spanish.
1101 Vermont Avenue NW
Washington, DC
12AM Communication's Overrated, Anyway
Co-worker: Would you like to receive our free catalog in the mail?
Customer: No speak engliss.
Co-worker: Ha, ha. Oh, that sucks.
Customer: Si.
628 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Hannah Haddix
12AM That's Depends on Where in Europe She's From
Visiting European account manager: Oh, you have a new cell! I guess it was time to get a new one?
Chinese Project Manager: Yes, this morning I come to work and I am robbed by bandits. So, I have to get a new cell phone.
Visiting European account manager: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha...ha...Heh. Oh. Oh dear. Are you ok?
Chinese Project Manager (in Chinese): Is she drunk?
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
Overheard by: Adam White
6PM Christ's Business Cards Were English-only
Woman on phone: I was supposed to make the business card English on one side and Japanese on the other, and I put Chinese...and I apologize for it, it was dishonest of me...I didn't think anyone would notice...but I'm a Christian person and I don't want to die and go to hell, I'd rather apologize and make it right and go to heaven...I know it's a little thing but I'm a Christian...
2301 South Third Street
Louisville, Kentucky
6AM You Just Know She's Hot as Hell
Eastern European cocktail waitress: So what is this "stepping up to the plate" you spoke of in our meeting?
Bar manager: It's an analogy...OK, it's like this: in baseball, you step into the batter's box. You step up to the plate to try and hit a home run. That's what we need, is home runs here.
Eastern European cocktail waitress: I don't understand your speech at all.
Bar manager: Great! Now I'm going to have to explain what an analogy is.
Bourbon Street Casino
120 E. Flamingo Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: KellyMarie
12AM Man Ordering Take-out
Coworker: Yes, I ordered Italian ice from your menu...Oh, so you don't have any more Italian ice. Hmmm, what else would I like?...Oh, you don't have Italian ice, but you have iced tea?...um, what?
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
12PM The Sun Never Sets on the High-pitched
Smartypants: I don't know why your voice has to go up five octaves in order for it to be British.
US Capitol Building
Washington, DC
12PM God Save the Queen's English
US suit: ...a dedicated router.
UK suit #1: I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's actually "roo-ter".
US suit: A rooter is a swine. If you're going to be in America, speak English.
UK suit #2: Two hundred years, and they still haven't gotten it yet!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
