Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Insults All Categories > Topics > Insults
Recent | Best Of
4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment
Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.
Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: slurific
9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You
Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.
132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM But They Said the Panties Are Yours
Employee to coworker wearing under-armor shirt: Lou*, Bally's called. They want their shirt back until you can bench press at least 45 pounds.
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
Overheard by: Maureen
9AM Why Work Holidays Exist
Worker #1: This information she sent me isn't right at all. It says 'GMT,' but there's too many time zones.
Worker #2: GMT is General Mountain Time.
Worker #1: I know that already. I'm going to call her now to show her how wrong she is.
Worker #3: Get off the phone before you make an ass of yourself. Didn't either of you ever hear of Greenwich Mean Time?
Worker #2: I guess we're not as sophisticated as you.
Worker #3: Sophisticated? Most grade schoolers know that.
Worker #1, hanging up phone: You remind me of my ex.
Worker #3: If he had to put up with nonsense like that, I understand why he left.
Worker #1: I left him; he didn't leave me.
Worker #3: Is he grateful for this?
Worker #1: You make me sick.
Worker #3: Was it something I said?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Charlise
11AM Unlike Tap Dancers?
Electronics clerk: If I were a tap dancer, I'd tap dance all over the store.
Jewelry clerk: Like this? [Flails arms and pretends to tap dance.]
Electronics clerk: No... That was gay.
2600 Midland Boulevard
Ft. Smith, Arizona
Overheard by: i love my job
11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades
Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM Could I Have My Head Grafted onto Your Torso?
Annoying female worker: I feel so left out... Can I just move my desk next to yours?
Manager: Absolutely not.
Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Drone
2PM I Had a Very Progressive High School Biology Teacher
Cube monkey #1: It's not like there are a lot of straight people at this office to sleep with.
Cube monkey #2: You could sleep with the IT guy -- Harold*.
Cube monkey #1: Ew, he's a whore. I don't want to get crotch rot.
Cube monkey #2: What on earth is crotch rot? I've never heard of that.
Cube monkey #3: Not only have I heard of it, I have smelled it!
731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Anna
12PM Ah, Now I Remember. "You're Fired."
New HR clerk: Hey, I forgot what I just said. What did I just say?
Old HR clerk: Sorry, but I'm still busy trying to remember your name.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations
Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Brett C
2PM The Gold Metal Bikini's Pretty Cool, Though
Office girl commenting on CEO's haircut: What happened to her?
Queer coworker: I know! It looks like something they created for Star Wars and then rejected: 'Ewww, too ugly!'
701 G Street
Washington, DC
12PM I'm Telling
Middle-aged man #1 on speakerphone: You're a poo-poo head.
Middle-aged man #2: Well, you're a pu-pu platter!
Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
11AM Nuns Wore Stilettos
Older worker: You know what they used to call those shoes when I was your age?
Peon wearing ballet flats: Um, I'm not sure I want to know...
Older worker: Slut shoes. You could always tell which girls were easy because they wore shoes just like that.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: wondering what she'd think of my 3-inch heels
2PM We Happily Bring You an Amusing Anecdote Reader's Digest Won't
Clerk: God, why is that old man so angry?
Manager: Give him a break. How many more times is he going to be buying new shoes? He'll probably be buried in these.
Old crab, from across room: I'm not deaf, you bitches!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM Could You at Least Connect Me to I.C. Weiner?
Call center agent: I'm sorry, but for international calls, you'll have to contact your zero operator for information.
Customer: You can't help me?
Call center agent: No, I only provide listings in North America.
Customer: What?
Call center agent: I am a 4-1-1 operator. You need the zero operator.
Customer: What's the difference?
Call center agent, sighing: The zero operator can help you. I cannot.
Customer: So you're useless?
Call center agent: In this case, I am completely useless to you, yes.
Customer, to friend in same room: Hahahaha! She admitted she was useless!
Call center agent: [Slooow exhale.]
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Relax -- That's Just Canadian for "Good Morning"
Overworked CSR: Sir, at any point in our conversation today did I provide you with my name?
Customer: No.
Overworked CSR: Good -- fuck you [hangs up].
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM My Feral Cats Care!
Admin: Well, when you feel better we have to talk. We have to make sure everyone knows that my job is so important.
Manager, sighing: Yes, Terri*, we've had this conversation. It's not good to be so needy or crave so much recognition.
Admin: I have so much to offer! So many people are doing double work!
Manager: Cheer down, girlfriend. No one really cares.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
10AM Can the Other Driver Sue for Slander? Discuss.
Cabbie yelling out window to guy who cut him off: Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! [Gets out at red light, walks to offender's car, points his butt at and simulates farting on the car, then gets back into cab and yells out window again.] You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee!
Outside White Plains train station
New York
Overheard by: ccampoll
1PM Hey, Teddy Ruxpin's Taken Bullets for Me
Sarge: You're lucky somebody around here likes you.
Office peon: Lots of people like me!
Sarge: Stuffed animals don't count.
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
10AM And What of My Little Dog?
Network admin: Yeah, I saw Aladdin in the theater.
Help desk supervisor: That's because you're a faggot.
Network admin: No, it's because I have kids.
Help desk supervisor: Well, your kids are faggots, too.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Frank
4PM Best Boss I've Ever Had
Lady worker: He's the type of person that stands outside when it's raining to see if it's wet enough!
Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: pedestrian
3PM Might As Well Shave Your Head While You're at It
Female coworker, as another is delivered flowers: Every time I see the flower delivery guy I hope it's for me. I wish someone would send me something nice like that. Oh, well. I'll just take a piece of chocolate from the candy dish.
Male coworker: That's right, decrease your chances even further.
Route 110
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Drone
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
9AM ... For Sleeping with My Husband
Attorney: I'm so pregnant... My husband always says, 'Honey, you're a whale!' And then I tell him, 'Shut up! You're an immigrant!'
Admin: You should really stop saying that to him.
Attorney: Well, he is, and it's a term of endearment! Like when I call you a dirty whore!
Hackensack, New Jersey
3PM And Devote Your Full Attention to It
Peon #1: Did you devote your full attention to this?
Peon #2: Bite me.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM ... So I Think I'll Vote for Obama Instead
Engineer: So, apparently she holds out her cell phone to people on the street and says, 'This is my husband. Tell him he's an asshole!'
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: thankfully unmarried
4PM Just Sent Us Hatemail for Calling It "Canadia"
Male peon: So, where are you guys located, anyway?
Customer: We're in Guyana.
Male peon: Oh, over in Africa, eh?
Black coworker, yelling from four cubicles over to male peon: Stan*, you're an idiot!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
9AM Um, She's Thirty-Five.
CEO: Oh, that's the guy with the gaggle of kids, right? The ugly ones.
Project coordinator: They're not all ugly! The little one, Erica*, is cute!
CEO: She just hasn't grown into her ugly yet.
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
1PM You Always Manage to Live Down to My Expectations
Boss: You know, every day it gets harder and harder to underestimate you.
Innovation Drive
Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
12PM When Richard Simmons Forgets to Take His Lithium
Male to female worker: I always support you. I empower you... You piece of shit.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Office Manager
4PM Since Most of the People We Deal with Are Essentially Potted Plants
Sales guy, about customer: She's an idiot.
Customer service manager: Awesome!
4755 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado
3PM Slightly below That Monkey Who Typed Shakespeare
IT guy: There's a spectrum between those who are completely illiterate and those who are completely literate, and the people who write the news are somewhere in-between.
Tonopah, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
12PM She's the Most Dedicated Veterinarian We Know
Office girl #1: I wonder where's Karen's* been.
Office girl #2: The bitch convention.
Office girl #1: She's probably the keynote speaker.
Jackson Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: another karen* hater
9AM But This Is a Four-Person Office!
Boss: Don't do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don't really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
5PM Why Pavarotti Had to Write His Lyrics on His Hand.
Music agent slamming phone down angrily: God, he's so unintelligent! I mean, even for a tenor!
1st District
Vienna
Austria
12PM Agnes Realizes She May Have Shared Too Much at Lunch
Peon #1: Stop yelling! You're just like my dad!
Peon #2: Yeah, except I'm not drunk and I'm not beating you.
Braintree, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not there anymore
3PM It Won't Get Out of Bed for Less Than 10 Thousand
Employee on phone: You couldn't pay your dick three thousand dollars to work!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: jen
10AM Always Best to Counter Intolerance with Immaturity
Manager: Your boyfriend looks like a terrorist.
Peon, farting: My butthole is the terrorist in this office.
12th Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM The Law Requires You to Accommodate My Missing Tentacle
Manager to clumsy coworker: You're about as graceful as a seven-legged octopus with a muscle spasm!
Fast food joint
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: Dubird
3PM Did You Get the Package I Sent?
Girl answering phone: Hi.
Guy on speaker: Hey... What are you doing?
Girl: Nothing.
Guy: Don't e-mail me today.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They are using my computer for a presentation.
Girl: Oh, okay.
Guy: I don't need them seeing 'Eff you!'
Girl: Haha, I never put that in the subject line.
Guy: Right... Or 'I eff-ing hate you... And I'm not joking.'
Girl: Hahaha, I haven't said that in so long!
Guy: You texted that to me last night.
Girl: Oh. Hahaha. No, I said, 'You better be dead... And I'm not even joking!'
Law office, Highway 10 and 403
Ontario
Canadia
2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock
Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: zundian
9AM Keeps Trying to Have the Bakery Slice Her Dog
Assistant manager: Ma'am, you can't bring that puppy in here. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Lady carrying puppy: What? It's a goddamn puppy! Suck my dick!
Assistant manager: You're going to have to leave.
Lady carrying puppy, leaving: Fuck you, bitches!
Assistant manager, cheerfully: Goodbye! Shop again!
7747 Mall Road
Florence, Kentucky
12PM Although That Could Just Be the Mescaline Talking
Black girl peon #1: That girl is so annoying. She is so happy all the time.
Black girl peon #2: I know, right? It's like she has butterflies coming out of her mouth or something.
Washington, DC
4PM Can I Go Home Sick Now?
Advising office applicant to interviewer: Yeah, advisors are worthless.
6001 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Brandy
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
1PM So the Third Installment Will Be Terrible?
Boss lady: I think Rick* was talking to people in our aisle for a record 52 minutes. He's finally gone.
Assistant: Don't worry. He'll be back. Like herpes and the Terminator.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM Freud Discovers Psychoanalysis and Calls His Mom
Manager on phone: Oh, yes, I remember now. Fuck you!
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
5PM Avast, Ye Lubber!
Lieutenant: You work for a law enforcement agency, not a pirate ship!
Employee with sideburns: Sir?
Columbus Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM When Good Deeds Become Career-Limiting
HR clerk: Excuse me, ma'am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager's wife: I'm not wearing pantyhose!
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
2PM Linnaeus Is Rolling Over in His Grave
Working girl #1: So, I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo of dolphins around my belly button.
Working girl #2: But if you get pregnant, won't they look like... whales?
Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
1PM Hey, One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure
Coworker #1: Do you want to see my diamond?
Coworker #2: That's not a diamond -- that's your camel toe!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: i got a million of them....
10AM The Drugs Help
Receptionist: I'm sorry ma'am, but that offer expired over a month ago -- we can't honor it.
Biotech: Oh, I'm sorry, but when you've got a real job, it's hard to get out sometimes.
Receptionist: Hmmm... Well, when you work two jobs and go to college full-time, sometimes it's hard to put up with idiots.
Rivertown Parkway
Grandville, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
10AM Okay Fine, It Was Paperwork, Okay?
Delivery guy: When I got out of the Air Force I thought I was done with paperwork, but it looks like I'm destined to do paperwork.
Receptionist, uninterested: Oh, really?
Delivery guy: Yeah, but most of my time in the Air Force I can't talk about.
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: It's top secret stuff.
Receptionist: Oh, okay.
Delivery guy: Can't talk about it.
Receptionist: So don't.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Waby
9AM Do You Really Want to Go There, Madame Days-of-the-Week?
Female manager to frustrated sales rep: Just put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Business owner, over her shoulder: Oh, oh! Stern words from Miss Kello-Kitty-pants!
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Health Care! Get Over Here!
Black server: I named my baby Cartier.
Timid white server: Oh, yeah?
Black server: My sister named her little girl Lexus Tiara.
Timid white server: Oh, yeah?
Ghetto white server: They always name they babies after shit they can't afford!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM This Is Actually a Great Segue to Your Firing
Manager: At this point we're only hiring servers who I know will do a really great job.
Waitress #1, with a wink: That's why I was hired, right? 'Cause you knew I'd do an awesome job?
Manager: Yes.
Waitress #2: I think I was hired because the regional manager liked me.
Manager: No, you were hired because the restaurant had just opened and we would have hired anybody.
Peppers Ferry Road
Christiansburg, Virginia
12PM If You're Typing That, Don't Send It Right Away
Coworker in response to email she just got: Oh my god, Sandy*, you stupid whore.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: other side of the cube
2PM So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?
Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe... What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh... Happy birthday.
377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: tonyg
4PM You'd Think We'd Have Made Peace with Ourselves by Now
Cube rat #1: Damn, you had braces for seven years and your teeth are still that fucked up?
Cube rat #2: Yeah? You've been on a diet for two years and your ass is still that fat?
Trenton, New Jersey
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Nixed Greens
Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really... I was just being courteous.
North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan
5PM Could You Just Stop Talking about Centimeters?
Exec assistant: Fuckin' pregnant chicks...
Preggers: I didn't even get you wet!
Waterloo
Canadia
4PM But Ass Prostheses Are the Wave of the Future
Girl #1: Oh my god! You are such a slut!
Girl #2: I am not a slut!
Girl #3: It's true, she's not a slut. She's just a fake-ass ho.
Girl #1: Yeah, you're such a fake-ass ho.
Girl #2: Yeah, true.
1310 Sycamore Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM What Severe Burnout Looks Like
Grunt #1: If there is a tornado today, are you our emergency person?
Grunt #2: Nope, I really don't care if you die.
Beach Street
Fort Worth, Texas
11AM NewsFlash: Rise in Drive-by Insultings in the Workplace
Coworker: Wow! Those are some shiny shoes! You know, it's a good thing to have shiny shoes because people are more likely to be enthralled by your feet and less likely to notice your incompetence.
Elevator, Office building
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: checking own feet
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
12PM How Hard Is It to Remember My Name Is Also Devon?
IT chick: Hey, where's my homies?
Admin: What homies?
IT chick: Devon* and the little guy.
Admin, incredulous: There's a little guy?!
Little guy in corner, quietly: Thanks.
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, Texas
12PM Isn't Your Girlfriend Miss Potato Head?
Man: So, I told my girlfriend that if I fuck a midget it is not considered cheating.
Coworker: What? Yes, it is!
Man: No, it isn't. They aren't real people.
Presque Isle, Maine
Overheard by: wtf kind of place is this?
11AM Show 'em How an American Works Himself to Death
American client: Aren't we supposed to receive last month's results soon?
French staffer: Normally, yes, but Easter was only last Sunday.
American client: So?
French staffer: Well, it means we're only in the first week of a two-week holiday. So everything will be ready in three weeks.
American client: What? Do those fucking socialist dicksippers really have two weeks off for Easter?! You know, when I retire I'm going to work in France.
125 West 55th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jean val Jean
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
10AM What's Wrong with Your Tact?
Nurse #1: Oh my god, what's wrong with your face?!
Nurse #2: Um... Nothing.
Nurse #1: ... Oh.
Kansas
Overheard by: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
10AM He's Been Cultivating That Line Since the First Time He Saw Ethan Hawke
Old coworker: What the hell is that on your chin?
Hipster coworker: I'm growing out my goatee.
Old coworker: Why the fuck would you do that?
Hipster coworker: A girl last night at the bar told me it looks sexy.
Old coworker: It looks like a buffer pad for a high speed cocksucker.
43 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: You'll Get Crumbs In It
9AM Just People with Bad Hair Making Fun of People with Good Hair
Foreign coworker: What does it mean, 'nappy-headed hos'?
333 Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Even One's Probably Too Many
Woman: That's why I'm glad I only have one kid -- I can't keep up with all the names.
Sunset Boulevard
Lexington, South Carolina
Overheard by: LL
5PM At Least I Can Stop Eating
Salesman: I'm just trying to help you! Every time I see you you're eating.
Purchasing manager, mouth full of cookies: Every time I see you you're ugly.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
4PM But It Looks Like It's Me, and Not the Room
Associate: What's up, Dave*? Did you get a promotion?
Managing director at secretary's desk: No, I just hate the person I've become when I'm in my office.
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM You Can Buy Those Signs at Home Depot
Boss: All signs point to them being assfucks.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Picture Drawer
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
5PM I Keep a Potato on the Box and Everything
XYZ* interviewer: Thanks for your time. Do you have any questions for me about the company?
Interviewee: I do -- I have XYZ cable at home. How come it's so terrible?
1500 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Not That Bad
3PM In the Sense That It Wouldn't Affect Us
Engineer: If there's a meltdown from us making [a particular mistake], how much damage would it do around the plant?
Sales guy: It's actually for New Brunswick, so it wouldn't be too big a deal.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Not moving to New Brunswick anytime soon
5PM Good Point -- You Play It As It Lays
Man describing adoption of Chinese kid: .. And eventually you get a baby's photo and a medical history...
Hick female photographer: But let me ask you, what do you do if she's ugly?
Man: ... What did your parents do?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM That's the Last Time I Try eHarmony
Coworker holding severely bent glasses to his face: I utterly despise her! She's terrible, and particularly useless because she's already married!
Marley Building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
11AM Yet You Can Speak Hebrew
Guy #1, in Hebrew: So, what retarded kid are you working with today?
Guy #2, in Hebrew: Dude. Those kids are around here, you know.
Guy #1: Yeah, but no one here knows Hebrew.
Guy #2: This school's like half Jewish. They might.
Guy #1: Not the retarded ones. They have enough trouble with English. You should know that -- you work here, too.
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: Knows Hebrew
9AM What? The Customer Is Always Right
Customer on cell: Well, I need to go home and put a bra on.
Cashier: Yeah, it looks like it.
Lancaster, Ohio
Overheard by: Wonder Bra
12PM Good -- My Therapist Is Always Projectile-Diagnosing Me
Assistant: I don't think you're crazy. I may vomit on you, but I don't think you're crazy.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
2PM She Got Three Fewer Diseases, Though
Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin' tired. I've been actually having sex since four o'clock Saturday 'til six o'clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that's nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I'm so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.
North O'Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas
Overheard by: So that's what 'being rode hard and put away wet' looks like
11AM Have to Wonder How She Got a Teaching Certificate
Assistant: I just talked to the stupidest woman ever. It was an honor. At first it was frustrating before I was overcome by the joy.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Heather
1PM Is There Anything You Guys Could Do about That?
Concerned mother on phone: My son just informed me that the room deposits are due tomorrow.
Secretary: Yes.
Mother: But I'm in Germany, and if I mailed in the money it would take two weeks.
Secretary: Your son could pay with a debit card or cash.
Mother: I gave him a debit card and he lost it.
Secretary: Uh-huh.
Mother: ... My son is a goddamned idiot.
Virginia
10AM Which Is Also Part of the Joke
Mid-level manager #1: I've become a running joke.
Mid-level manager #2: Really? I didn't know you knew that.
Mid-level manager #1: [Long pause] I just caught on.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Cube dweller
4PM I Read That in a Fortune Cookie Once
Girl: God, she is such a bitch!
Guy, matter-of-factly: Hos gotta be bitches or they get no respect.
540 Baxter Street
Athens, Georgia
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
1PM Because That's Our Target Market
CSR on phone with customer: Well, are you normally a weak-minded person?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
12PM See, That's What I Thought
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: No.
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: That's not a poncho, that's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's a poncho.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag with a hood. It's not a real poncho.
Worker #1: It is so a real poncho. It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It's blue.
Worker #2: It's a--
Worker #1: --It has arm holes.
Worker #2: Jeff*, it's a dry cleaning bag with a hood, and it smells like cat piss.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Shall I Season Your Fracture?
Managing director: What happened to you?
Warehouse employee: A skid fell on my leg. Don* just left to call me an ambulance.
Managing director: A skid of what?
Warehouse employee: ... Ground coriander.
Managing director: That came in today? Great! We've been waiting for that.
Warehouse employee: ... My leg is broken.
Managing director: And we appreciate that.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM But Why Are Male Women Getting Their Panties in a Bunch Over It?
Coworker in lunchroom: I don't know whether that's insulting to gay men or female women.
Des Moines, Iowa
10AM Without a Quorum No Meeting Can Break Out
Worker bee #1 walking up to group of coworkers: Hey, here's two of the people I'm looking for.
Worker bee #2: Scatter!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM The Terrible Twos, Huh?
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a 'piece of shit' by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
11AM I'd Be a Lesbian, but I Can't Afford the Union Dues
Middle-aged lady to others in lunchroom: I don't know. For me, whenever there is male full-frontal nudity, the movie instantly becomes a comedy.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Would You Like Some Candy?
IT guy: Pretty much everyone who works here is either a computer geek or a pedophile.
HR lady walking by: Hey, I'm not a computer geek.
Richmond Hill
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Tinted Chromosomes
Coworker #1: You've got really pretty eyes.
Coworker #2: Thanks.
Coworker #1: It's like you've got, um... What is it...?
Coworker #3: Downs Syndrome?
Coworker #1: Contact lenses.
Kmart
Adelaide
South Australia
1PM I Liked It Better When We Were Doing the Whole Cat's in the Cradle Thing
Middle-aged dad: Frankie Laine died.
20-ish son: Who the fuck is Frankie Laine?
Middle-aged dad: He was a great singer. He sang the theme from Blazing Saddles.
20-ish son: That was 40 fucking years ago. What did he die of, irrelevancy?
Middle-aged dad: You're too young to appreciate anything.
20-ish son: I fucking hate it when you say that.
Blockbuster
Oceanside, California
5PM It's Clogged! Get the Plunger!
Tech #1: Have you read the email from the project managers?
Tech #2: Yes, I have. Would you like to create the reply?
Tech #1: Are you asking me to flush out the stupid?
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
2PM I Have to Go Change My Pants
Intern: Lou* just said he really likes my sense of humor! He said I'm self-defecating! Can you believe it? Lou thinks I'm self-defecating -- he thinks I sit in my own shit! Lou's so cool.
Lou, two cubes away: I said 'self-deprecating,' you idiot.
Intern: Oh.
6707 Democracy Boulevard
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: One cubicle over
10AM I Thought in Detail about Your Public Humiliation
Employee #1: I was watching American Idol, and I thought of you.
Grotesquely singing employee #2: Oh my gosh! That's so special!
Financial center
New York, New York
1PM Luckily Everybody Drinks
Male realtor: Have you ever been to England?
Lady office manager: No, why?
Male realtor: The women there are really ugly no matter how horny you are.
Highway 19
Florida
11AM Why the President Has a Press Secretary
CSR interrupting production meeting: Hey, sorry, but Dan* from XYZ company wants to know when he can expect his job.
Tech supervisor, screaming: Tell him when hell fucking freezes over! Jesus! I'm fucking tired of these pushy customers! And their shitty little jobs!
CSR: Okay... That's uh... He's uh... standing right over there...
Tech supervisor: [Stunned silence.]
Boss: Well, you can go take care of that one, buddy... He's all yours.
1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Mouth opened, foot inserted
9AM Last Month This Big Girl Sat on My Head
Stylist: How do you want your hair?
Customer: Short on the sides and blended with no weight line. I don't want to look like a circumcised penis.
Great Clips
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Yeah - one is enough
3PM Singing Telegram?
Boss: So, your voicemail kicked me off because my message was too short. I can understand it cutting you off if you start in on a monologue, but what if you just want to leave a message saying, 'Fuck you'?
Rockefeller University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
11AM 'You Suck' -- Now That's Criticism!
Angry manager: ... And you are in no way the Leah* you should be! Do I make myself clear?!
Tearful employee: ... Yes.
Angry manager: Are you always like this?
Tearful employee: No, I usually respond well to criticism, it's just--
Angry manager: --It's not criticism, it's feedback!
Pride Park, Derby
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
10AM Sometimes Only Interpretive Dance Will Do
Manager: How do you tell the client that they're an idiot? What's the wording I should use for that?
1 South Road
Harrison, Ohio
2PM But Here at Mengele Inc. That's Okay
Manager: You know butadiene is a reproductive toxin, right?
Peon: A what?
Manager: Reproductive toxin -- it causes sterility.
Peon: Okay... You know, maybe we should sterilize that town... Wait, was that out loud?
Manager, laughing: Yeah.
Houston, Texas
1PM He Hates It When You Use 'Abomination'
Student #1: I thought Dan* hated it when you used the word 'retarded.'
Student #2: No, Jen* is retarded, Dan is gay.
6450 South Fiddlers Green Circle
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Toddd
9AM A Low Blow
Swedish employee: You're responsible for all the wars in the world.
Jewish employee: Well, you're responsible for... Abba.
Diehl Road
Naperville, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting sent to HR
10AM If You Want to Be Inoffensive, Stick to Using 'Wife-beater'
Female coworker: Anyway, my brother-in-law is standing there wearing pajama pants and a guinea-tee... Oh, maybe I shouldn't say 'guinea...' I don't want to offend anyone.
Male coworker: A minute ago you suggested to our Asian coworker that he name his daughter Lynn because his last name is Lin, then you told him it would be like the giant panda, Lin Lin... And now you're worried about offending someone?
Female coworker: Oh, that's different. He knows me.
New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad she doesn't know that I'm Cuban.
10AM Do You Really Think I'm Capable of Explaining That?
Boss: I don't get it. Why are these entries all wrong?
Data entry grunt: Look at the user report. Out of 75 users, 67 of them are entering the data incorrectly. We need to get those 67 in a training session so we're all on the same page.
Boss: I'm not sure how -- I've never had to do this before.
Data entry grunt: Right... Can we just take a moment here so you can explain to me why you're the manager but I'm the one that does the managing?
K-V Road
Victoria, Virginia
11AM And Why Does Everyone Always Ask Me That?
Boy: I don't like Oprah. She's kind of racist.
Girl: Oprah can't be racist! She's black!
Boy: Were your parents related?
Girl: What's that got to do with anything?
710 West San Augustine, Deer Park High School
Deer Park, Texas
Overheard by: Ian Jacoby
2PM My Job Is to Escalate the Confrontation
Angry customer: [Inaudible over phone.]
Employee: I apologize, sir. I understand your frusteration.
Angry customer: Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?
Employee: Oh! Ma'am. I apologize.
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM She Was Proven Wrong As Soon As Her Promotion Came Through
Loan officer: Ugh, I could never be a teller.
CSR, under her breath: Yeah, well, I could never be a condescending, superior bitch.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Not a teller either
1PM If Our Customers Won't Behave, We Fire Them
VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I'm sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We've been busy in the office lately... Yes, I understand it's frustrating, but we're doing all we can... Okay, look Larry*, look -- the reason nobody's here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you're an asshole... Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist... You're an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don't care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!
Beltsville, Maryland
Overheard by: The abused receptionist
4PM If It's an Incomplete Bitch You Want, I'd Consider Spaying
Receptionist: Can I help you this morning?
Mom: Yes. I need a shot to keep my daughter from being a complete bitch.
Teen girl: Like they've invented that, Mom.
Chestnut Ridge Pediatrics
Woodcliffe Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mothers Anonymous
11AM Native Americans: Jeez, Even the Bigots Ignore Us!
CEO to new sales rep: Use your judgment when it comes to payment schedules. If they sound like good people -- you know, like normal Americans on the phone -- we'll bill them. But Ay-rabs and Orientals pay COD. You have to watch those bastards, 'cause they'll all fuck you.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Overheard by: Really glad I gave notice yesterday
3PM Scientists Vow to Get to Bottom of IT / B.O. Link
IT guy: Hey, can I convince one of you to go get me and my friends a coffee?
Production manager: What friends? All I see is you.
IT guy: My friends. Y'know, the people I hang with.
Production manager: No one hangs with you.
Production assistant: Yeah, you smell bad.
Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
3PM Have You Considered Not Sleeping?
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don't gets it. I's lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don't know where they be comin' from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I's wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I'm referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain't gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don't have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
2PM Looky Here, Somebody Threw Away a Perfectly Good Employee
Sales guy: If anyone needs Larry* in the warehouse, don't call. He's in the dumpster.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM I Don't Like Being a Round Myself
Blonde: So, have you taken any Lamaze or yoga classes to help with the birth?
Preggers: No, the thought of having to be around all those pregnant women made me sick.
Oakland, California
10AM Must've Been Their Upbringing
Little girl holding Bad Santa: Nana, can I get this Santa movie?
Grandmother: No, you can't.
Little girl: But my mommy and daddy watched it.
Grandmother: That's because your parents are bad people.
Wal-Mart
Raynham, Massachusetts
1PM Boot Camp Is Over -- We're Goin' to War
Two-year-old girl: Up, Daddy.
Dad: No.
Two-year-old girl: Up, Daddy... P'ease?
Dad: No. C'mon, we taught you how to walk for a goddamned reason. Let's move it.
Target
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
1PM She Had an Entire Human Being inside Her -- What's Your Excuse?
Manager #1: Amy* had her baby last week.
Manager #2: Who's Amy?
Manager #1: She's one of our graphic design artists. She's very beautiful.
VP: Yeah, she is pretty. And she looked really good... Well, up until the end.
2700 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
3PM Ann Coulter Comes to Her Senses
Blonde seeing Hitler in documentary: Ewww! He's such a dickhead.
University of California Irvine
Irvine, California
Overheard by: orangepenguino
2PM Dr. Seuss Successfully Split the Difference
Yuppie girl: I found a turtle over the weekend. I put it in my backyard.
Flakey girl: What did you call it?
Yuppie girl: Myrtle.
Flakey girl: Is it fertile?
Yuppie girl: Is it what?
Flakey girl: Is it fer-tile? I was rhyming...
Yuppie girl: No, it's a turtle.
Flakey girl: Myrtle, the fertile turtle.
Yuppie girl: You're like Phoebe of Friends.
Flakey girl: You're like Ross.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Why the New York-Ohio Worker Exchange Program Fell Apart
Elderly customer: I'd also like a two-liter of Coke.
20-something cashier, smiling: Certainly.
Elderly customer: You know, I really like your demeanor and attitude.
20-something cashier: Up yours, old man.
Elderly customer: [Stunned silence.]
20-something cashier: Have a nice day!
6780 Goshen Road
Goshen, Ohio
Overheard by: Delivery Expert
4PM 2000 Years Old and Still a Virgin
Holy roller #1: He has a Jesus hat on. He looks really WT today.
Holy roller #2: Praise him.
Holy roller #1: Is that his wife? I think it is.
Holy roller #2: 'Thin-lipped, snake handling Jesus freaks,' I can hear her shrieking already. I wonder if they speak in tongues... Durka durka blah blah burble burble...
Holy roller #1: That's what it sounded like. Here they come...
Holy roller #2: I can feel the holy spirit oozing out of her. I'll bet she smells like Jesus.
Holy roller #1: Totally.
757 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM Thumb. Thanks for Asking
Author: I don't know. Some of the edits don't really work for me. What do you think?
Editor: Well, speaking as a completely biased party, I think it's great.
Author: ... You're sure?
Editor: Absolutely, you bonehead. Can we put it to print now, or are you going to keep your thumb up your ass a while longer?
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
2PM Come On! When She Bites the Male's Head Off? Priceless
Suit: Who knew she had a sense of humor? She seems like someone more amused by insects mating on National Geographic.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM Maybe I Shouldn't Have Let Him Borrow All That Poe
Librarian: Have you met the new assistant director? He reminds me a lot of Randy -- you know -- Ralphie's little brother from A Christmas Story. Nobody wants to hang out with him. The other day I asked him how he was, and he actually held up a piece of rope and said, 'Oh, I'm hanging in there!' and gave me a creepy smile.
60 7th Street
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: Grace
10AM ... They Ooze
Chick #1: Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a penis when you wear that hood?
Chick #2: I do not!
Chick #3: You should see her when she runs in that hood. Then she really looks like a penis...
Chick #2: Penises don't run!
Saint Francis University
Loretto, Pennsylvania
5PM I Thought She Loved Me 'til I Got This Gift Card
Cashier: Okay, your total is $9.63, and can I have you first name for the order?
Customer: McKnight.
Cashier: McKnight?
Customer: Yes.
Cashier: That's your first name?
Customer: Yes.
Cashier: Your mother didn't like you very much, did she?
Panera Bread
Evans, Georgia
Overheard by: Phil
4PM Although Chuckie Is Coughing up a Response on the Rug
Editor: I know it's not truthful to say we're still generating responses to your proprosal, but it's better than saying we're drunk and lazy.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
9AM Curtis Discovers He Does Have Standards
Suit #1: Dude, I just looked at the girl from last night's MySpace page. Tell me again why you didn't fuck her?
Suit #2: She has birds!
Suit #1: Good enough.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Jordan
12PM Signs Your Cabin Pressure May Be a Bit Unbalanced
Flight attendant: ... We don't expect a change in cabin pressure, but if it does occur, a designer oxygen mask will be released in front of you. Secure the mask on yourself first, then, if you are traveling with children, put a mask on the child with the most potential, then put a mask on the other one...
Mother passenger: [Gasps, horrified.]
Flight attendant: ... This is a non-smoking flight, but if you do decide to smoke, we will have you reseated on the wing of the plane where you can watch our feature presentation of Bye Bye Birdie or Gone with the Wind...
Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City, Missouri, to Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jessica
11AM ... Sumo Wrestling on a Derailing Train
Designer: You shot the Rubik's Cube contest?
Photographer: Yeah. It was like watching fat, naked men greased up in butter sumo wrestling. You don't want to watch, but you can't look away.
Designer: ... You know, most people use the metaphor, 'It was like watching a train wreck,' but you took it to a really dark place.
323 E Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dundie
5PM How You Can Tell Who Went to Catholic School
Coworker #1: The film was so violent... I don't really like realistic-looking violence.
Coworker #2: Yeah, neither do I. Although, I did get some perverse enjoyment from watching The Passion of the Christ.
Coworker #1: But in this one it's all the nice people getting hurt.
500 Harris Street
Ultimo, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Dan
5PM Don't Bring Me Solutions, Bring Me Problems!
Woman #1: I hate living alone.
Woman #2: I love living alone.
Woman #1: It sucks going home to nobody, having nobody to talk to -- it just sucks.
Woman #2: You want to live together?
Woman #1: No!
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
12PM Everyone, This Is Amber
Manager to room of trainees for upcoming audit: Today's training has been cancelled, because I have something better to do.
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: Elementary Geek
5PM A Dream: Curdled
High school girl: I'm gonna name a cheese after you, Mr. L.*!
Mr. L.: If you actually had the power to do that, I'd be very flattered.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
11AM No Bereavement Time-Outs in Office Warfare
Female coworker: Did you hear that Bobbi lost her father?
Chorus of 'Awwws' from other coworkers.
Male coworker: Why doesn't she look in her cunt? Everyone else seems to have been in there.
Ruby Tuesday's
Carle Place, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
9AM Today We've Replaced Sally's Network TV with HBO. Let's See What Happens.
Bubbly girl: You know what's a funny word? 'Fucker...' And 'bitches.'
Oak Lawn
Cook County, Illinois
Overheard by: erin
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Logicians Tell Us This Is 'Trivially True'
Receptionist: Why would he think he could do that? Why would he think I'd be interested?
Coworker: I don't know. Did you give him some kind of sign?
Receptionist: What? Because I was nice?! I'm nice to every one-legged hooker with an eyepatch who comes in here!
East Osborn
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: It Happens Every Day
10AM Okay, So Only That One Time
Janitor to coworkers: Man, these customers be crazy. The other night I was moppin' the floor, and this bitch come up to me and said, 'It's not time to mop the floor yet!' Lady, do I come to your job and smack the dick outta your mouth?
Natural Food Store breakroom
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: disgruntled employee
12PM Why You Hire Talking Dogs Is Beyond Me
Male employee: I want you to know, Cindy* will be complaining to you about something I said to her. It's all a lie, though.
Manager #1: Oookay...
Male employee: She's gonna say I called her a 'dirty fucking cunt.'
Manager #2: Ohhh, boy...
Male employee: But it's bullshit. I called her a 'dirty fucking bitch.' I don't use the 'C'-word.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Why Glade Discontinued Their 'Tequila Passions' Line
Korean chick, gasping: It smells like drunk Mexican in here!
144 South Glendale Avenue
Glendale, California
5PM And He's Stopped Fixing Himself Up
Boss: You're starting to sound like my wife.
Employee: He can't sound like your wife, he doesn't hate you.
Boss: Yes, he does.
300 Pompton Road
Wayne, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lots of love going around
4PM The Sound of the Chainsaw Was the Tip-Off
Coworker #1: I'm really excited about getting my hair cut tonight.
Coworker #2: What are you going to have done?
Coworker #1: I don't know. I usually just say, 'Surprise me.'
Coworker #2: Oh. That's what I said last time...
Coworker #1: That was a big mistake for you, wasn't it?
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: McMathis
10AM If It Doesn't Offend Someone's Religion, It's Not Worth Doing
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we're not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don't offend someone's religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
2PM God, How I Want Her
Contract attorney: Ann Coulter? She looks like a bag full of antlers.
575 7th Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Daniel
3PM Keep Up the Sub-Par Work
General manager: That's what I like about you -- you're a reliable disappointment.
Environmental, Safety, and Industrial Hygiene coordinator: Thanks!
450 Sukhumvit Road
Rayong
Thailand
Overheard by: Rick campion
2PM Looks Like Someone's Going to Be Waiting a Long Time before He Becomes Associate Bishop
Assistant bishop: What the hell?! I can't get any damned work done around here!
Salem, Virginia
Overheard by: only agnostic in the office
9AM They Can't Recruit, So They Have to Reproduce
College boy #1: She's engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That's gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
12PM Wait, If I Just Lock Him in an Empty Room with Some Dog Food in a Bag, I Could Get That New 'Vette!
Mom, pointing to friend's child: Say 'Hello' to Aidan*.
Shy child hiding face in mom's leg: 'Lo.
Mom: If you can't look at him and 'Hello' properly then you can't have swimming lessons. There, I just saved a hundred and fifty dollars!
145 Harlow Street
Bangor, Maine
Overheard by: Kelly
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
2PM Introducing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal
Woman #1: I'm pregnant again.
Woman #2: On purpose?
Woman #3, sighing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a little hospital- and daytime TV R and R.
Montvale, New Jersey
11AM Nope, Sold Them to the Gypsies to Pay the Bills
Student: Mrs. Smith*, do you have any kids?
Mrs. Smith: No, I don't have children.
Student: Did somebody steal them?
1212 Cheyenne Boulevard
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Sheri
3PM You Look Vaguely Female, and I Dig That about You
Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: ...Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn't respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you're very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
10AM Look, Next Time You Die, Just Handcuff Yourself to God
Manager: There's a sucker born every minute, and I keep getting born!
55 Railroad Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: CV
12PM Of Course They're Expensive --They're Moloko Dispensers
Hick girl #1: Look, I'm just saying, that bitch was a bitch.
Hick girl #2: She is such a bitch.
Hick girl #1: I know. And her costume wasn't even funny.
Hick girl #2: I don't think they're supposed to be funny. I think they're supposed to be scary.
Hick girl #1: Her tits are scary.
Hick girl #2: She's always showin' her tits. I don't wanna see them scary-ass tits.
Bitch: My tits are expensive, you stupid hick bitches.
Hick girl #1: Why didn't you say you were in there, bitch? God, you're a bitch.
Hick girl #2: Bitch.
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Ever Since That Disfiguring Accident She's Been Such a Selfish Bitch
Bank coworker: When she came in this morning, she didn't even have her eye in. She could have at least worn some sunglasses or something.
Maybank Highway
Johns Island, South Carolina
10AM You Telling It to Me in a Chipmunk Voice after Sucking All the Helium out of a Balloon Only Makes It Less Credible
Coworker #1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Coworker #2: I know it sounds stupid...
Coworker #1: No, it doesn't just sound stupid, it is stupid.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM I See Your Attempt at Humor, and I Refuse to Acknowledge It
Deskie #1: What's that smell? Sulfur? Rotten eggs?
Deskie #2: I have it figured out: It's Halloween, and all these girls are walking around with nothing covering areas which haven't been exposed in public since last Halloween.
Deskie #1: I don't get why that is relevant.
Front desk, Central Michigan University
Mount Pleasant, Michigan
Overheard by: Not A Deskie
12PM And Yet, Here You Are
Coworker #1: Man, if I found out my kid was retarded before it was born, I'd get it aborted. It's not like it's going to contribute to society.
Coworker #2: Except to give jobs to teachers who want to teach retarded kids.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and if my kid was going to be physically retarded but his brain was going to be fine, I'd give him up for adoption. That way I can have a normal one -- but I didn't kill him in case he's like Stephen Hawking.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Prochoice to a new level
5PM Deleted Adrian Dialogue from Rocky
Woman #1: My boyfriend is Italian. That's as good as fucking a black man, but without the racial drama.
Woman #2: I thought Italian men were dumb.
Woman #1: Exactly.
Forest Avenue
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Office Manager
10AM By 'Dyke' You Mean She Has Sex with Men Who Aren't You?
Contractor: That hairy-legged bitch.
Manceptionist: Oh yeah, she's a fucking dyke. That's why she has a bastard child.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM I'd Say That's True of Anyone in Nebraska
White clerk to black clerk: What are you doing over in these parts? Slummin'?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
3PM Which Half?
Coworker #1: So, Mr. Ericson* says he is going to send in pictures of his fence to show the problems he has with it.
Coworker #2: Yeah, well, I checked the email. He didn't send us pictures of the fence.
Coworker #1: What did he send?
Coworker #2: Pictures of himself, half-naked.
Coworker #1: Well, I'm not fixing that.
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Causing Very Mixed Feelings, Indeed
Woman to friend: I'm so going to hit you in the vagina for that!
950 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Me Neither. Isn't Advertising Cool?
Art director: Don't you have to be educated to do your job?
IT guy: Nope.
11 E 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jeremy
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
2PM After Violet Became a Blueberry, It Took Years of Plastic Surgery to Turn Her White Again
Mother to small child: I already spent all of my money on your face.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: beckz
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
5PM Darwin, You Want to Field This One?
Guy: Fuck, she is just a total bitch.
Woman #1: What race is she?
Woman #2: Duh, female.
720 Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Mary and Joseph Really Had Their Hands Full
Mom listening to garbled announcement over PA: Did he just ask God to collect his son at the front desk?
Daughter: Are you senile?
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM Why Can't You Be Like Mulan? She Was Asian, but She Could Take a Punch!
Asian coworker to black coworker: Why can't you be like Akeelah in Akeelah and the Bee? She was black, but she could spell!
235 E 42nd Street
New York, New York
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
12PM You Should Hear her Go off on People Who Say 'Between you and I'
Employee #1: Jane says that she feels nauseous. I think she's going home.
Employee #2: Well Jane should take a course in English vocabulary, because if she feels nausea, then she feels 'nauseated,' not nauseous. To be nauseous is to be disgusting or foul.
Employee #1: You're kinda a bitch.
Hadley Road
South Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Quitting soon
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM She Must Be Lonely Among Her Kind
Supervisor to employee: I'm sorry. I don't speak retard.
588 N. Gulph Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Poor Guy
9AM Actually, That's What Happened to My Ankles
Sales guy: How can you sit like that? It's disgusting.
Information specialist: I have weak ankles. I'm sorry I disgust you.
Sales guy: You don't disgust me, just the way you sit. Besides, you're always making fun of my women.
Information specialist: Say, do you have one of those auto-lifts in your bedroom?
Sales guy: I see what you're saying. Because I like big women.
Information specialist: I mean, in case you get pinned or something.
Sales guy: Funny thing is, I know how to maneuver one of those, from a previous job.
Information specialist: I'll take that as a yes.
Washington DC
4PM Rainman: Hey!
Angry cop: Fucking college kids make me sick. It's disgusting. You're the smartest most retarded people in the world!
Easton Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
1PM All I Want Is a Hand-Turkey for Thanksgiving. What Do I Get? Two Lousy Short Stories about Pilgrims!
Manager #1: My kids SUCK at arts and crafts.
Manager #2: No glitter? No glue? No macaroni or popsicle sticks?
Manager #1: Holy shit, no. They are the epitome of suck.
West Irving Park Road
Roselle, Illinois
4PM His Sensitivity Might Be Better Appreciated at Country Curtains
Guy to his wife: Hey... look at this guy's picture on the wall. He looks like he is miserable and doesn't like being at work.
Home Depot Employee whose picture is on the wall: That was taken on a bad hair day!
Man: Oh... sorry. Where would you find paint?
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Home Depot Shopper
12PM He's Got a Lot of Pull, Though
Co-worker: Oh, you know how he is... Yeah, that's a great word to describe him: wanker.
Madison, Connecticut
4PM I Still Prefer It to "Fuck You!"
Off-duty employee: Don't you just hate when you're working and you say, "Have a nice day" and you don't mean it, and the person knows you don't mean it, but you have to say it anyway?
Cashier: Yeah, totally.
Cashier to customer: Thanks! Have a nice day!
Big-Box Store
Harrisonburg, Virginia
1PM The Concept of 'Caring' Was Not Covered at MIT -- Please Explain
Engineer #1: So how's it going?
Engineer #2: Crazy. Completely crazy. Why'd you ask?
Engineer #1: Because I care, dumbass.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: really touched
10AM The Last Event He Remembers Clearly Is V-J Day
Old man: Excuse me.
CD store employee: Yes.
Old man: Where do you keep your Negro music?
CD store employee: What?
Old man: Your Negro music!
Grandson: He means rap music.
CD store employee: Oh, over there.
1st Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
10AM Except Today They Were Spouting Some Nonsense About Loving My Neighbor
Coworker #1: What radio station do you listen to on your way to work?
Coworker #2: I listen to a Christian station so I can prepare myself for dealing with you assholes.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: one of the assholes
11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'
Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM In Fact He's a Boatman on the Alimentary Canal
Account manager: He's anal, all right. The wrong end of anal.
Powers Ferry
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM The First-Ever Suggestion That College Leads to Sobriety
Woman: Man, I got so shitfaced last night. Major hangover. I'm not gonna get anything done.
Lackey: Well, good thing you're a VP. You can get away with that kind of thing.
Woman: I know, right? And I don't even have a college education!
Lackey: Guess I wasted those four years and workday sobriety for nothing. And all this time I could have been a hungover dropout.
Woman: Live and learn!
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
1PM Can't Wait 'Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He's Her Father
Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn't know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She's adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How'd it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you're talking about. What a jerk! That's so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn't even talk to the nurses after that.
777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers
Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?
Car dealership
Ohio
4PM I Can Sell Her Anything!
Assistant: Let me see if she's available... Missy, do you want to talk to a Janie* at US, Inc.*?
Missy: She's a dumbass... Yeah, I want to talk to her.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM I'll Bet the Fax Machine Will Be More Understanding
Speaker on fax machine: Listen, you freakin' idiot, this is the third time in five minutes you're tryin' to fax something to a phone number.
Employee in adjacent cubicle, two minutes later: Yeah, hi, this is the freakin' idiot... [loud squelching]... shit, now I dialed their fax number.
Georgesville Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: laughing in next cubicle
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
4PM He Runs a Brothel
Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"
Mount Prospect, Illinois
3PM There Are Two Schools of Parenting, But Only One Wins Football Games
Guy #1: I can't believe parents starve their kids to make weight for football! I mean, what would you say to your kid?
Guy #2: "You better make weight, you fat little bitch!"
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: CB
12PM Aren't Asians Supposed to Be Smart?
Interviewer: Have you ever had to deal with rude or irate clients over the telephone?
Asian interviewee: Yes, at my last job I had to call the USA, and you know how rude they can be.
Interviewer: Yes, I know all too well, considering I am American and so is this company. This interview is now finished. Try not to hit my car on your way out of the parking lot...You know how Asians can't drive!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Elle (the other interviewer)
3PM And Welcome to the Federal Civil Service
Recent business school grad: You know, working for this company is not for the weak of heart. There is not a lot of recognition handed out to people.
Senior executive: Recognition? You want recognition? You are a dumbass. How's that?
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Little Nipper Plans to Tuck
Mother: Tell your aunt what you want to be when you grow up.
2-Year-Old son: A plastic surgeon!
Mother: And why is that?
2-Year-Old son: Because Mommy needs work!
Miss Saigon Café
Hurst, Texas
Overheard by: needo
12PM Nobody Who Says 'Languish' Would Ever Get Promoted in the US
Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What's the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you're not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you're saying you can't give me another job because you've been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.
388 George Street
Sydney, Australia
11AM But It's That Kind of Go-Get-'em Attitude That Makes It So Hard For Me to Retire
Co-Worker #1: So, your last day is coming up, right?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, thank God for that.
Co-Worker #1: I wonder who they will replace you with. Maybe the homeless guy on the street. I bet he could do as good as you.
Co-Worker #2: I'm not sure I like your style.
Santa Monica, California
5PM Isn't That a Felony in Most States?
Boss: Wait, I have a question: they're fucking retarded!
Underling: That's actually not a question...
Boss: Whatever, they're still fucking retards.
13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois
Overheard by: Victa G
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
2PM First the Briefing, Then the Stabbing
Supervisor: So Tina* and I are actually getting along really well! We discovered that we both have the same work style, which is Crazy Psycho Bitch.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Down Syndrome, My Ass. Get Out There and Work That Backhand!
Tennis instructor to day-campers: You were special last year. You are not special anymore. If you still suck this year, leave these courts.
Birchwood Swim & Tennis Club
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: rachel kieffer
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
2PM He Placed Out of the Class Where You Learn Not to Be a Jerk
Boss: Hey, do you think you could go down to the cafeteria and get me one of those teeny tiny things of 1% milk for my cereal?
Intern: You know, with my dual degree from business school, I think I may be able to swing that...I'll bring another intern as backup just in case.
555 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Well, It's Like I Always Say: Children Come First
Male bank president: My daughter's gonna letter in high school track this year.
Female vice president: Oh?
Male bank president: Yeah, she's a runner. All year I've been taking her out on country roads to let her spread her legs.
Female vice president, under her breath: Putz!
1105 Vargas Street
Atwood, Kansas
4PM This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up
British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it's gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I'm sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can't say cock like that. I shouldn't hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how's this: Fuck off.
1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
4PM Why IT Dude Is Regularly Beaten Up
Deputy: There was a wreck this weekend where a guy hit a tree at 60 miles per hour. Ripped off the right side of his head. You could actually see inside his skull. We never could find his brain, though.
Project manager: Did it kill him?
IT dude: Nope, he is walking around, managing projects.
US Highway 69/75
Oklahoma
Overheard by: Firewall
10AM He'd Rather Do It Avocationally
Manager: Why do they send so much of this stock? It's never gonna sell. What bunch of arseholes thought this up at head office?
Peon: This is really getting to you, isn't it? I get the feeling you applied for a job there, and they turned you down.
Manager: A job at head office? No thanks, I've no desire to be an arsehole for a living.
Peon: But you'd be so good at it.
4 The Sidings
Lincoln, United Kingdom
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
2PM If He's an Idiot and Can Steal Your Clients, That Makes You What?
Sales guy: Jason*, quit calling into my sales territory! You are a freaking poacher!
Jason: Poacher? I don't even like eggs.
Sales guy: You're an idiot.
6400 Congress Avenue
Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: Fried Egg
1PM I'm So Glad I Still Live With My Mother
Receptionist: I thought she was going to tell me I was fat...but, no, she just wanted to tell me that I smell bad.
Andover Park West
Tukwila, Washington
9AM Wait, Did I Say That Out Loud?
Customer: Here's my order number.
CSR: Yes, how can I help you?
Customer: What can you tell me about my order?
CSR: Um. What would you like to know?
Customer: You tell me. What does your computer tell you?
CSR: It tells me lots of things. What you ordered, when you ordered it. How can I help you?
Customer: Tell me everything your screen tells you about my order.
CSR: What would you like to know?
Customer: No, I want to know what you know about my order.
CSR: Well, I can tell you when it shipped, when it was delivered. Would those help?
Customer: No. What else?
CSR: Well, it would take me a really long time to read you everything I have here.
Customer: Oh. Well, let me explain. [Gives explanation]
CSR: I see. So you just want UPS to pick up this order?
Customer: Are you an idiot? That's what I've been saying the whole time!
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon can't wait for the weekend
3PM Less Than 35 Cats Isn't Pathetic At All
Co-Worker: She sounds like she has a lot of cats. Like 40. She probably lives with these forty cats and has a pathetic life. Just listen to that voice.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nicole J.
3PM Fat Gene Linked to Responsibility-- More Details to Follow
Female CSR #1: Did you get a brownie?
Slightly-larger female CSR: No, I can't leave my desk and work to get a brownie. That would be brushing off my duties.
Female CSR #1: Well, I'm not a fat person. I wouldn't know.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Hey, Tara Reid Is Just Trying to Make It Through Her Day Like the Rest of Us
Trader: If you're drunk or high come over and share, but if you're retarded I can't help you.
1801 East 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: her boss
12PM Then Fill Out Two Copies of the Freudian Slip
Frustrated manager: So just take that and put it in the bitch! I mean, bin. Put it in the bin.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: Hired to do Bitch-Work
2PM The Riddle of the Sphincter
Walking man: Hey, John.
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What?
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What are you, five? This is a professional office.
Sitting man: You fell for it.
Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Dennis Carroll
9AM I'll Be Going Postal, So Bring a Tourniquet
Receptionist #1: Is tomorrow your last day?
Receptionist #2: Yes.
Receptionist #1: Good.
Park Place
Cardiff University, United Kingdom
Overheard by: stranded_in_UK
9AM Wait, I Thought Jessica Died Last Week
Co-worker #1: That's what I love about Jessica*; she's always so quiet. Never complains about anything.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, and if you had a lobotomy you'd do the same thing.
25 Winthrop Street
Worcester, Massachusetts
3PM He Thinks People Are Coming On to Him When They Flip Him Off
Co-worker #1 gives co-worker #2 the hand signal for devil horns.
Co-worker #3, returning the signal: Loser.
Co-worker #1: What did you say that for?
Co-worker #3: You called me a loser, so I called you a loser.
Co-worker #1: I did not. I was giving Kelly* the devil horns.
Co-worker #3: Oh, sorry.
Co-worker #1: It's okay. I guess it's easy to think that people are calling you a loser because you still live with your parents.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: We were supposed to be working
11AM No, For When Jay Leno Gets Bored of Spanking It in Front of the Mirror
Co-worker #1: Oh, no way!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: Taylor Hicks is People magazine's #1 hottest bachelor.
Co-worker #2: Taylor Hicks, the American Idol guy?
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Is that for the Braille edition?
955 Peachtree Parkway
Cumming, Georgia
2PM Dress Code
Coworker #1: I just got this suit at Paul Stuart. Do you like it?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you look like the Easter Pimp.
101 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Amazed
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker: Anita*, you're dull! I mean, reflectively speaking.
25 Winthrop Street
Worcester, Massachusetts
4PM Internal Memo
Coworker: Not only am I an asshole here, I'm an asshole at home, too!
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
11AM Stock Exchange
Trader #1, wearing yarmulke: ...and your business is in Brooklyn?
Trader #2: No, Brooklyn is where the yams hang out. You know, your people.
200 Vesey Street
New York, New York
3PM Internship
Boss: How many servers do you think Google has?
Lackey: Infinite.
Boss: Infinite? You're a retard.
15 Alatarinda Road
Orinda, California
Overheard by: choking on a brownie
1PM Business Casual
T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever's been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.
2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California
Overheard by: daimaoh
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
9AM Back to Work
Older dude: You know, you shouldn't bite your nails.
Executive assistant: You shouldn't be a drunk.
45 West Portal Avenue
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Jerkey
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: She was such a bitch to me for no reason! I think I'm beginning to hate people.
Coworker #2: You used to like people before working here? That's so freakin' cute!
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: I Heart Condescension
4PM Employee Review
Coworker: Hey, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid!
1400 AF Street
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Partner #1: You're wearing a t-shirt?
Partner #2: It's not a t-shirt. It's designer.
Partner #1: Glad to see you're back in gay mode.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: new here
5PM That's a Wrap
Office manager: Did you see that episode of South Park where they were talking about a camel toe?
Sales assistant: Ooh, lay off the camel toes! I have one. One of my toes is longer than the other and I hate wearing sandals.
[room bursts into snickers]
Sales assistant: What?? Quit making fun of my toes!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Parts Check
Coworker #1: I asked for the parts manager, and she said 'Jerry.' I said, 'Terry?' And she said 'No, J, as in Jerry.'
Coworker #2: That's ridiculous.
Coworker #1: Well, she's in California.
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HellKitty_01
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer #1: Does the Peaks Island Ferry go to Peaks Island?
Ticket agent: Yes.
Customer#1: Does it come back?
Customer #2: No, it's the barge to Hades. It only goes one way.
Casco Bay Lines Ferry Terminal
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Jeff Jenks
2PM Smoke Break
Guy: I'm so beat. I stayed out till 4am drinking last night. I was going to go take a nap in the car, but I think that would be too obvious.
Girl: You can take a nap on the picnic table over there. Then maybe a cop will show up and arrest you because he thinks you're homeless.
Guy: Bitch! This is business casual!
23825 Commerce Park
Beachwood, Ohio
2PM Small Talk
Coworker: You are very bright today.
QC guy in yellow shirt: Oh, why thank you.
Coworker, walking away: And I don't mean that in the mental sense.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Office-wide voicemail from IT person: Attention all H Street associates. The network will be down beginning at 10am...10pm...shit! [Hangs up]
1717 H Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Hamshank Houghmagandie
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: Hey, is this your Eagles CD.
Coworker #2: Yeah, that's mine.
Coworker #3: Bullshit, you don't even know who the fucking eagles are, douchebag.
Coworker #2: It's my fucking CD, I've had since highschool.
Coworker #3: Yeah right, somebody left that on your desk -- there's no way that's yours.
Coworker #2: Bullshit, this is mine.
Coworker #3: Alright, if it's yours name one fucking song by the Eagles, one song!
Coworker #2: Man, I don't know the names of songs, I just know the music.
Coworker #3: Wow, you're fucking ridiculous!
Coworker #2: Okay, okay, well they did "Welcome to the Jungle."
714 4th Street
Corvallis, Oregon
Overheard by: Ryan P
2PM Back from Site Visit
Sales guy: How'd the trip go?
IT guy: Went pretty well. Almost had to send your branch manager home though.
Sales guy: Ha, why?
IT guy: After we loaded up all the inventory in an Excel spreadsheet, he kept sorting it wrong. He'd sort just one column. It would scramble the whole thing up and we'd have to delete it and start all over. He did that three times before I banned him from Excel.
Sales guy: You banned him?
IT guy: I banned him.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Fat lady: I want your 21-piece bucket of chicken.
Rude employee: Is that for here, or to go?
Fat lady: You think I can eat this whole thing by myself?
Rude employee: I don't know your life. Bitch!
1406 Saint Charles Avenue
New Orleans, Louisiana
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1 on boss: Is he here? I think his light's out.
Coworker #2: I'm not even going to touch that one.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
4PM Afternoon Delivery
Coworker: So, has the National Guard taught you head shots yet?
UPS guy: Nah, but we're gonna start with civilians.
17 Battery Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kona Gallagher
10AM Guided Practice
Student: Crap, I don't know how to start.
Teacher: I can't help you.
Student: Why not?
Teacher: If I knew this kind of crap do you think I'd be working at this ghetto school?
1133 Mission
Oceanside, California
9AM Back to Work
Car dealership counter guy: Yes, may I help you, sir?
Customer: Uh, yeah, I think I blew a seal.
Car dealership counter guy: Pal, that sounds like a personal problem to me.
1499 Route 46
Ledgewood, New Jersey
4PM Offering Feedback
Coworker #1: Yeah, so this is what I wrote back to her. [Hands coworker #2 a piece of paper]
Coworker #2: That looks fine, and you made a good argument.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and I wasn't mean.
Coworker #2: No, not at all.
Coworker #1: Though I did sign it "Stop being a fucking moron - Sarah*."
Coworker #2: Good call.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: n-ro
3PM Covering All the Bases
Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It's mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it's like how blow-dryer labels say "do not put in mouth while in use." Not like it's a pressing issue, but there's always that one retard that's gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh...sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I'm getting this.
777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California
Overheard by: Max Guevara
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Oh you fucking idiot!
Pause
Boss: Why don't you just go home, you wanker!
Boss walks out of the office.
Employee: Who are you yelling at?
Boss: Me, I'm going home!
301 Pirie Street
Adelaide, Australia
Overheard by: Jessica
4PM Coffee Break
Coworker #1: Was it a Woody Allen movie?
Coworker #2: No, it was a comedy.
1865 Grandstand
Elgin, Illinois
11AM Debriefing
Salesguy: Hon? No, i didn't call her "hon". . . I don't even call my wife "hon." Isn't that one of those... terms of endearmeants? Is that what it's called? [Pause] I do use the B-word a lot.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Straightening Up
At the end of Take Your Kids to Work Day...
Bruno*: Everything is askew! Where's my weedbag? I've got some quarters missing. Damn thieving kids.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
10AM The New-Hire
Supervisor sniffles and rubs eyes.
Brand new employee: Do you have allergies?
Supervisor: No, I am crying because you work here.
1701 16th Avenue
Gainesville, Florida
5PM That's a Wrap
One VP to another: Well, it was a dumb thing to do. But it wasn't the first dumb thing we've done.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
4PM Smoke Break
Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.
Soldier #1: Hey [John], let's go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.]
Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you're inside! Get that fuckin' cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin' eye in your head!
Building 2411-B
Fort Eustis, Virginia
Overheard by: SGT Grier
10AM Coffee and Sudoku Break
Writer: All I really want in this life is to be able to solve a sudoku, just once. Without giving up halfway through.
Designer: Way to aim low.
Writer: Well...can I be honest? What I really want is to be better than you at sudoku.
Designer: That may be aiming too high. Let's be realistic, at least.
16430 N Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
4PM Smoke Break
Supervisor: Well, when I was a kid, I was really ugly. I had the big thick glasses, I was tiny, it was pretty bad.
Underling: Wow.
Supervisor: Yeah, but it got better around ninth grade. That's when I turned drop dead sexy.
Underling: So, when did it go away?
250 West Jackson Street
Spring Grove, Pennsylvania
11AM The New-Hire
Suit: She graciously volunteered to confirm tomorrow's interviews. She says she likes people.
Supervisor: I find that hard to believe. She's from Detroit.
1252 Memorial Drive
Goral Gables, Florida
3PM On-the-Job Training
Assistant: Hey, I couldn't figure out how to put it into Word from Excel. So here you go.
Boss: You just cut and paste it.
Assistant: But you can't do that from Excel to Word, it won't let you.
Boss: Yes, you can, just right-click and copy and paste it.
Assistant: Trust me, I just spent the whole morning trying to, it's a locked document.
Boss: OK, 1947 called, and they want their technology ability back. What's wrong with you? Hey, who hired you again?
300 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cam
1PM Personal Call
Man on cell: You're just a social maggot. [Sweetly] Just a social magnet, that's what I meant to say.
2 Clock Tower Place
Maynard, Massachusetts
10AM Editorial Meeting
Designer: Do you ever wonder if some of the girls here were hired for their looks? Oh, I'm not talking about you -- I know you were hired because you're a good writer.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: My nickname at work is Blondie. For some reason, everywhere I work my nickname ends up being Blondie. And I don't even tell them that was my nickname before!
193 Maple Avenue
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Megan
2PM Smoke Break
Employee #1: Ugh! I hate it when [Allison] brings her bratty kid to work.
Employee #2: [Allison] knows he is a brat. He turned her into a coyote mother.
Employee #1: What?!
Employee #2: A coyote mother is when you gnaw your own ovaries off so you can't have more brats.
Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
2PM Cover Shoot
Photographer: You can't just leave and not tell anyone. You guys left and no one was here to help.
First assistant: Look, I'm sick of you bitching at me about this petty bullshit. Don't talk to me unless you've got something important to say.
Second assistant: Mom and Dad are fighting again.
2616 Industrial Row Road
Troy, Michigan
11AM Running Reports
Group leader: You filed the wrong report for this transaction.
Clerk: That's the way [Lisa] trained me to do it.
Group leader: Which proves idiotisms are contagious.
Clerk: Yeah, you're right... I mean no.... I mean, I don't like it when you make me have to think about what you say.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
5PM That's a Wrap
Trim middle-aged President: I just received my soccer badge in the mail.
Young receptionist: I can't see you playing soccer.
President: I don't play, I referee.
Receptionist: Still, I can't see your fat ass waddling up and down the field.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: now I'm going to have to answer the phones again
1PM Customer Visit
Customer: I don't understand why you can't keep up with production.
Program manager: You aren't following the rules. You are running twice the daily quoted volumes.
Customer: But we are still under the yearly volumes. You just need to plan better.
Program manager: I can't just shit capacity out of my ass!
5540 Parque Industrial
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: This is my senior picture in high school.
Manager: You were a cheerleader?
CSR: Yeah.
Manager: What happened?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
10AM Exit Interview
CSR: I feel bad though that I'm leaving -- I really like it here.
Manager: Oh, don't feel bad. We got our money's worth out of you.
Supervisor: Uh.
Manager: Um, I know, that sounds bad, huh. What I mean is that we, as a company, would much rather hire smart people who leave after two years than stupid people who stay here for, like, forty.
CSR: Thanks?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Staffing Up
Boss: I need to hire someone, but I need that person to be unexperienced, so that they don't stupidly think they know what they are doing here before I train them.
Underling: Wait, then why did you hire me? I knew what I was doing when I started here.
Boss: You are the reason I now require people to be unexperienced. I couldn't train the arrogance and stupidity out of you.
800 East, Utah State University
Logan, Utah
Overheard by: tm
10AM Smoke Break
Brit #1: What the fuck is her problem anyway?
Brit #2: She's doing that thing.
Brit #1: What thing?
Brit #2: That Canadian thing where they pretend to be all nice because they're from Canada when really, [putting on Canadian accent] they're just, like, totally backstabbing dipshits, eh?' I mean what kind of idiots would settle in a place where it hits minus 30, anyway?
V Parku
Prague, Czech Republic
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: How do I transfer calls?
Teller: You're an idiot wrapped in moron.
845 North Gilbert Road
Gilbert, Arizona
10AM Budgets Due
Supervisor: Are these numbers right?
Employee: Yeah, I double-checked.
Supervisor: The sales manager said that they were under budget!
Employee: Well, numbers don't lie. Salespeople do.
17777 Center Court Drive
Cerritos, California
11AM Sales Meeting
Director of Sales Support: If our salesmen were women they'd all be pregnant, because none of them know how to say no.
9898 West Bluemound Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM Talk with HR
Co-worker #1: [Anna] is really mean.
Co-worker #2: It's because of her race.
Co-worker #1: What? Her race?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, whatever she is; they're all like that.
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Send Out Faxes
Assistant #1: I just accidentally punched that girl in the head by the fax machine.
Assistant #2: Good.
Assistant #1: Yeah, but then she said "Ow" all drawn out and gave me a nasty look.
Assistant #2: What a bitch.
Assistant #1: Quit squatting by the fax machine and I won't punch you in the head.
233 Spring Street
New York, NY
2PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: [Millie], do you need any disinfectant wipes for your area?
Co-worker #2: Thanks, what are you trying to say?
21175 Olean Boulevard
Port Charlotte, Florida
1PM Lunch
Team Leader: Well, you know I always have to be right, don't you?
Employee: You're lucky to have stayed married all of these years.
Team Leader: Yes, well my wife is a very patient woman.
Employee: Either that or deaf.
14840 Conference Center Drive
Chantilly, Virginia
Overheard by: Jen Foster
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: It's such a nice day and nothing is happening in here...I think I'm going to leave.
Employee #1: That sounds good. Can I leave, too?
Boss: Sure.
Employee #2: And me?
Boss: If you want. Hey, [Erica]! If the phone rings, then just--
Clerk: Wait, you're all going to leave me here by myself and you expect me to actually do shit? Fuck you.
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Okay, I'm sending a trouble ticket up for investigation on that for you. Here's the ticket number in case you want to call and yell at us.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
10AM Train the New Guy
Co-worker: You need to teach me Spanish and I need to teach you everything.
1341 G Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Just tell him to call me on my mobile.
Employee: Okay.
Boss: Oh, wait, you've probably never heard of that since you're not from New York. It's the same thing as a cell phone.
2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen...without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: "You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now."
1601 Bryan Street
Dallas, Texas
11AM Monitor Calls
Junior Help Desk Agent: Nothing makes her happy. All she does is complain. I would hate to be her husband.
Senior Help Desk Agent: Uh, Joe, that is the speakerphone button, not the on-hold button.
User on speaker: Do you think you can stop ranting and help "the bitch" now?
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: EL Gee
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: She was like, "Nigga, just drop me off at daycare and go about your business."
11100 USA Parkway
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: minkey
11AM Monitor Calls
Customer Service Specialist on phone: No, sir. You just had a credit line increase yesterday...Well, sir. That's how the potato chips.
Customer Service Specialist: ...Damn towelhead.
14700 Citicorp Drive
Hagerstown, Maryland
3PM Lindsay & Andrew's Birthday Thing
Manager: You brought in cake and didn't include me in the e-mail?
Co-worker: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I got everyone.
Manager: Bitch.
260 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: briarose
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
9AM It Begins Again
Boss: Where the fuck is my breakfast? Why hasn't it been delivered yet? I'm not even hungry anymore, I could have raised my own fucking chicken for the eggs and planted my own fucking orange tree by now.
Worker: You didn't order anything with eggs.
135 West 36th Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Clerk: I'm startin' the day with two "ah, shits" and not an "atta boy" in sight.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM That's a Wrap
Product Manager: You know, I don't like playing dumb.
IT: Yeah, well, I don't either, but sometimes I just have to.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
2PM Distribute Manuals
Boss: Did you leave this in the copier? It got jammed.
Employee: Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.
Boss: If you and [Janet] ever got married, you'd have really stupid kids. I'm just saying.
777 Main Street
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM Call Technician
Copier Technician: Sir, your software isn't compatible with this machine. It's outdated.
Offie Manager: Well, the sales guy promised it would work.
Copier Technician: Did you try it out before you bought it?
Office Manager: No, I trusted the sales guy that it would do what he said it would do.
Copier Technician: Well, this isn't the first time you've dealt with a sales person, is it? When I make a significant purchase, I try it before I sign the contract.
Office Manager: How you ever going to get married, son?
Copier Technician: Sorry?
Office Manager: I said how you ever going to get married?
Copier Technician: I am married, sir.
Office Manager: Well, did you try out your wife before you got married?
Copier Technician: What?
310 Dorla Court
Zephyr Cove, Nevada
3PM Smoke Break
Clerk #1: Hey [David], what are you up to?
Clerk #2: Working. You should try it sometime.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM Here's the Weekend
Manager: Have a good weekend.
Underling: You're leaving?
Manager: You're not.
452 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
11AM Damage Control
Co-worker on phone: I'm sorry, can you say that again?...I'm sorry...I'm having some trouble understanding what you're trying to say...Why don't you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?
Hangs up.
Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country...Christ.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton
5PM That's a Wrap
Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.
8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California
11AM Update Site
User: We want a tutorial on the website's front page so we know how to use the website.
Tech: Well, from the front page, you just click on "Help"...
User: Yes, but we want the instructions themselves on the front page.
Tech: I'm sorry, no. The user's only allowed to be so stupid here. They can click on the help button.
User: Oh, okay!
695 Palmer Drive
Raleigh, North Carolina
2PM Update EotM Wall
Employee #1: I can't believe they made that bitch Employee of the Month.
Employee #2: Me, neither.
Employee #1: I'm going to the general manager.
Employee #2: Yeah, I'll back you up.
Later.
Boss: Who the hell told her that was a good idea to come see me?
Employee #2: I don't know, I tried to stop her.
999 South Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR on phone: Call back tomorrow and we'll see if we can get the world to revolve around you.
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Client Meeting
Lawyer on phone: I don't care what you want to do, just file the fucking report! Shut the fuck up and file the fucking thing!
Client: Yikes.
Secretary: He's yelling at his other secretary.
Client: ...Yeah, but--
Lawyer: I said file the fucking thing!
Secretary: It's okay. She's also his wife.
430 West First Street
New Albany, Indiana
11AM Talk in Conference Room
Receptionist: What did you think of that visiting speaker? He was kinda cute!
Engineer: What a dork!
Receptionist: So he was a dork by dork standards? Wow!
ASU Engineering Center
Tempe, Arizona
5PM Out of Here
Peon: [Katie] said I'd be fired because of my hair.
VP: I don't fire people for having stupid hair.
500 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TC Ledger
4PM Work on Resume
Manager: If it didn't mean I would have to interview new people I would lobby to have half the staff here fired
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Didn't you wear that shirt two days ago?
Co-worker #2: Huh? What? I don't know...
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I remember you had that sweater on a couple of days back.
Co-worker #2: Did you look that up on www.victoriaknowswhateveryonewears.com? Oh wait, it kicks back to another site, www.gofuckyourselfvictoria.com.
460 West 34th Street
New York, NY
4PM Interviews
CSR: That guy was such a moron! And he kept trying to tell me he had a
photographic memory. I thought to myself, "Yeah, well you must be out of film."
7350 Tilghman Street
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: jara
11AM Staff Meeting
Manager: ...And this paper has a timeline for the changes that will benefit you in the coming months.
Employee: So this is kindling for the smoke you're blowing up our asses?
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
4PM Call [the Client]
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Lunch
Manager: New haircolor, huh? Did you fall into a bucket of paint?
Employee: New belt, huh? Did you fall into a buffet?
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Upgrade Software
Staff: Hey, can one of you help me fix--
IT: Go away before I replace you with a very small shell script.
7117 Florida Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: CP
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
11AM Close Deal
Sales: You quoted 3 different prices to this customer.
CEO: You're not calling me an idiot, are you?
Sales: I'm saying that having been given all the facts you made 3 incompatable decisions.
CEO: That's sufficiently blameless.
12819 Coit Road
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Call [Chris]
Receptionist on speaker: I'm sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won't call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don't know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.
5711 East FM-40
Lubbock, Texas
12PM Programming
Front Desk: What does code 99499 mean?
Coder: "You're a dirty whore."
Front Desk: They have codes for that?
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: That guy really gets on my nerves with his whistling.
Worker #2: Hey [Bryan]! Whistle from where I fucked you last.
21100 Rogers Drive
Rogers, Minnesota
10AM Sitdown with HR
Boss: ...Right where a woman belongs!
Co-worker: Where's that, [Kevin]?
Boss: In the kitchen!
Co-worker: Oh, you did not just say that!
Boss: No, you're right...I didn't.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
9AM Here They Go
Co-worker: Here comes trouble.
Boss: Get back in your box and shut the lid.
Co-worker: I *am* in my box. I was just sitting here and you came in my box!
10398 Pacific Center Court
San Diego, California
2PM Find Out What Those Plumbers Said
Plumber #1: So what about Jeanette?
Plumber #2: She pisses me off, man. That bitch pisses me off so much I want to cut her into little pieces. You know what I mean?
Plumber #1: I know what you mean.
Translated from the Spanish.
145 East 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Spooner
9AM Only One More Day...
Worker #1: Did you see the sign on the copier?
Worker #2: No, what did it say?
Worker #1: "Don't Touch Craig".
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Coffee Break
CSR: Jesus, this coffee tastes like it was brewed in a colostomy bag.
Admin: I think it tastes delicious.
CSR: You would.
4800 NW 1st Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: customerserviceslave
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Sir, would you mind slowing down just a little bit?You're really giving me a lot of information, and it's not really
registering in my brain because I'm still trying to type in all the
other crap you told me.
5129 Beverly Glen Village Lane
Norcross, Georgia
3PM Eleanor's Birthday Thing
Receptionist: You guys.
Co-worker #1: How old are you today?
Co-worker #2: Hell, if her skin is anything like the rings of a tree...
Office: ...
Co-worker #2: What?
1490 Francis Drive
Daytona Beach, Florida
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: [Steph], I never believed the stereotype about blonde women until I met you.
[Steph]: Thanks!
1000 Jerry St. Pe' Highway
Pascagoula, Mississippi
12PM Work on Hospital Marketing Campaign
Co-worker #1: Can I use the abbreviation RNA?
Co-worker #2: You mean, like the stuff in your blood?
Co-worker #3: What's the abbreviation for "the customer's a jerk"?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
9AM Here Comes the Ugliness
Inside Wholesaler #1: We could cast a fourth Lord of the Rings with some of the people that work on this sales desk.
Inside Wholesaler #2: I know! [Janet] looks like a stump with eyes and a mouth.
601 Congress Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rob Moody
5PM That's a Wrap
Office worker #1: Oh, the weather outside is frightful--
Office worker #2: So is your damn singing.
1501 Georgia Avenue
Wheaton, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Well, when I asked you over for lunch I asked if there was something you didn't eat besides cheese...Well I'm just saying you should have told me you didn't eat pork when I asked...Yes, I know you're Jewish...Well whatever you are, you're an idiot and a liar. You should have told me about the pork...Ew, she's your first cousin.
622 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
4PM QA
Co-worker: How about the software configuration?
Analyst: Your questions are very annoying!
Co-worker: I'm guessing you shouldn't tell clients they are annoying.
8315 Century Park Court
San Diego, California
2PM Find New Intern
Secretary #1: That was a funny email you sent earlier; I couldn't
stop cracking up.
Secretary #2: Hey, I just try to make you all laugh.
Intern: For you to make them laugh all they have to do is look at
your face.
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Review Candidates
District Supervisor: Wait, maybe I misunderstood him, but was he saying "Bachelor's Degree"?
Regional Manager: Actually, the words he used were "Bastard's Degree."
District Supervisor: Ha, ha! I thought so but I didn't think he could be that ignorant.
Regional Manager: Well, he is a retarded ex-con with personality disorders.
District Supervisor: Yeah, you're right.
3651 Cedarcrest Avenue
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Joshua Carpenter
5PM Get a Ride Home
Co-worker #1: I don't want to drive you home; it's way out of my way. Just take the company van home.
Co-worker #2: If I had a dick I would tell you to suck it.
General Manager: Hey, not in the office.
Co-worker #2: You too.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
10AM Work on Prints
Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I'd say yes, but you won't give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can't borrow them.
Engineer: You're so much like your dad, it's not even funny.
186 Gilman Avenue
Campbell, California
Overheard by: Shannon
4PM Get Messages
Co-worker #1: I finally found that fax you were looking for.
Co-worker #2: Great where was it?
Co-worker #1: On this 3x4 pink message pad. It was a phone message you freak.
30 Riverview Park
Red Deer, Alberta
Canadia
11AM Return to Construction Site
Clerk: It actually hurts talking to you.
Receptionist: Hey, it hurts talking to you, sometimes. You use big words too much.
Clerk: Go away, I've hit my stupid quotient for the day.
Manager: You are so mean to her.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
12PM Order New Server
Director: ...so, do you have any ideas why all these clips are showing up as being not on server?
Engineer: Ah, yes, it's a procurement error. We bought shit.
201 Wood Lane
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
2PM Liberate the Slaves
Co-worker: The network people are always sending around network interruption notices telling us that the system will be down Sunday from 10-2. Like I'm working then! Besides, this is like therapy for people with BlackBerries. Free yourselves, crackberry slaves!
50 Driveway
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
4PM You Know the Drill
Co-worker: Oh crap. We're having a fire drill today? That fucking sucks. It's too fucking cold for that shit.
Drill Captain: Yes, I know...but they are important. We need to do them at least twice a year.
Co-worker: How the fuck are they important? Did you miss fire safety week in the first grade? You don't know what to do if there is a fire? Well, here you go: take the stairs down to the lobby and go outside away from the fire. Shit, you probably still get into strangers' cars if they offer you candy.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: nicolette
2PM Deliver Invoices to Probation Office
Secretary: There was a black man who lived in my county. He was the only one. We called him Nigger Jim.
Co-worker: What?
Secretary: Oh, it was okay. He called himself that. He was retarded.
Co-worker: Where is he now?
Secretary: Prison.
130 East Main Street
Canton, Georgia
11AM Call Security
Customer: Are you a chicken?
Employee: No, I'm a sales associate.
767 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Install New Browsers
Employee #1: You don't like Safari?
Employee #2: No, man, all those popups...
Employee #1: Popups are great. Firefox is douche.
42-22 22nd Street
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: Aaron
10AM Programming Update
Engineer #1: You don't understand...the program's got unresolved
symbols that won't work.
Engineer#2: Yeah, I got 2 unresolved symbols for you right here.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
10AM Call Evan to See If He's Checked In
Hotel Manager: Can we help you, ma'am?
Guest: My husband just got on the elevator without me, I can't believe that little shit/
Hotel Manager: Well, if we track him down we can send him your way.
Guest: If I can't keep track of him after 30 years you won't either.
9 East Wilson Street
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM Meet with Developers
Developer #1: It's obvious the code will work. You've coded, you can see it will work. You can see it will work, unless you're stupid.
Developer #2: You're not stupid, are you?
501 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: fmm
12PM Hire New Secretary
Attorney: I have a small problem.
Secretary: Well, you have to work with what God gave you.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
12PM Get Those Scam Salescalls Blocked
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?...Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that... Here's the name written right here. It's F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U...Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM I'm Done Working Anything Today
VP: God! They've got you working reception? We must be really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
5203 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
4PM Cigarette Break
Manager: Man, I hate that rep. Only he has the power to permeate every fiber of my being with his earnest, sniveling, annoying little voice. "I'm sorry." "Would you mind?" "Is it a problem?" Grow some balls, freak show!
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
3PM More Resumes
Finance: There must be something in between "tax accountant" and
"undercover narc."
156 W. 56th Street
New York, NY
4PM Market Research
Co-worker #1: I'm just not sure that the average person will be interested.
Co-worker #2: Hey, I'm interested, and I think I'm pretty average.
Co-worker #1: Yes, I'd have to agree with that.
264 Main Street
Wintersville, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
3PM Water Cooler
Woman: See [Jane]. See [Jane] spaz. Spaz, [Jane], spaz.
640 Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cubicle Sam
4PM Fortunately It's Over
VP: We're having quite an exciting day. Have you used the f-word
yet?
Staffer: Probably yes, quietly to myself.
15 Walnut Street
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
11AM Conference
CSR: Here's the agenda. You'll notice my name is missing from the list because I plan on going home at 4PM.
Admin: I notice [Dawn] isn't on the list either.
CSR: That's because I figure wherever I put her on the list, she'll end up under the guy's table anyway.
3601 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Coordinator
12PM Order Pocket Dictionaries
Employee #1: How do you spell "who"?
Employee #2: How do you think it should be spelled? Sound it out.
Employee #1: H-O-W?
Employee #2: Does that sound right to you? Aren't you like, 30 years old? And you can't spell "who"?
Employee #1: You're the one who told me to sound it out, bitch.
1818 Hillside Avenue
New Hyde Park, New York
Overheard by: Cathie
9AM Just Grit Your Teeth and Deal
Manager: Remember, the customer is always right.
Assistant manager: Right, except when they're wrong.
Manager: No, they're always right.
Assistant manager: Totally, except on the odd occasion when they're wrong.
Manager: ...you are so retarded...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Run, Run, All the Way Home
Worker #1: Oh, damn! Would you look at that? I have on two different pair of shoes.
Worker #2: You're just now relizing that? The day's almost over with...what a dumbass!
Worker #1: Yeah whatever, maybe I'll switch them out tomorrow. At least they are the same color.
210 Main Street
Dallas, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Aw, look at you. You look so ethnic today.
Intern: Huh?
Secretary: You look like you should be seating people at a Chinese resturaunt.
Intern: Hey!
Secretary: No, in a good way...
72 Wall Street
New York, NY
9AM They're At It Again
Phone drone #1: So this guy's going to call the Better Business Bureau because I suck.
Phone drone #2: You suck?
Phone drone #1: I don't just suck, I suck!
Phone drone #2: You suck what? Don't answer that.
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Schedule Regional Calls
Field manager: So Utah is what, 2 hours behind us?
VP Research: No, they're more like 25 years behind us.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
9AM Just One More Day
Guy: At least it's Friday, right?
DMV Girl: I hate you.
300 W. 34th Street
New York, NY
11AM Work on Budgets
Co-worker slams down the phone and says: Okay, it's official, you have to be retarded to work in our accounting office.
187 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Janet
9AM They're At It Already
Manager #1: [Eric]? I hate [Eric].
Manager #2: You hate [Eric]? But he's such a nice guy.
Manager #1: Yeah, but he always takes too long to tell you a fucking lie.
50 W. San Fernando Street
San Jose, California
4PM Budgeting
Co-worker: How many times do I have to tell you, you can't do that? It's like adding apples and morons.
2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee, Virginia
Overheard by: jordan
4PM Return Truck
U-Haul guy #1: Okay! Pickup on the right...dropoffs on the left.
U-Haul guy #2: Yeah...Pickups on the left, dropoffs on the right.
U-Haul guy #1: What? No! You're fucking it up, dickhead!
3270 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Keep a Straight Face Until 5
Co-worker #1: Does the administrator know that her hair looks like that? She looks like a mental patient!
Co-worker #2: Yes! She did that on purpose, I mean she used bobby pins and hair spray.
Co-worker #1: Everyone is laughing at her. Should we tell her?
Co-worker #2: Don't you dare! This is the best day of my life!
1024 N. Foster Drive
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
2PM Look into Focus
Co-worker #1: She isn't listening to you.
Co-worker #2: I know, she never does. She's like a robot fueled by diet Coke.
Android: It's called focus. Look into it.
87 McLea Court
San Francisco, California
10AM Meeting with Client
Senior Director: Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're going to be a week late with your report.
Client on speaker: You fuckin' serious? The fuck you doing over there? Writing this thing in pen? Sanskrit? The fuck, man?
Senior Director: Actually, I'm chipping it away in stone...hey, don't you worry about how I'm writing this fucking report! You'll get it in a week. Who the fuck are you to give me an attitude
Client: Fuck you! Hurry the fuck up! We're paying your ass, so you should be nice to me!
Senior Director: Kiss my ass!...cock eyed fuck! By the way, how is the wife doing?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
5PM Thank God the Weekend's Finally Here
Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, "the Parthenon?"
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's it! Aw man, today I've got...what's that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No...oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?
216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Ice Cream Eating Geeks Has Its Moments
Boss: You know, there is nothing funnier than geeks eating ice cream.
3175 NW Aloclek Drive
Hillsboro, Oregon
6PM You're There for Yourself, Not the PC
Guy #1: eHarmony. Maybe I should try that.
Guy #2: You'd have to know how to log on to a computer first.
190 N. Main Street
Roanoke, Indiana
9AM "Motherfiler" Somehow Sounds Even Worse
Co-worker: I need to file like a mofo.
11 W. 53 Street
New York, NY
11AM He's Referring to the Co-worker Evals
Co-worker #1: Hey! Stop calling me psycho!
Co-worker #2: Sorry sir, I didn't know you could read my thoughts.
401 NW 4th Street
Evansville, Indiana
5AM Especially at that Special Olympics Race
Intern #1: I walk funny in high heels.
Intern #2: Everyone looks retarded in heels.
200 Orange Street
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: Samurai Jacqueline
4PM Good Luck Filling That Void
Male co-worker: You might want to take a few lessons on domestication...Life is unfair, and you're still a woman.
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oink
7AM Both Were Clubbed and Dragged to the Cave Minutes Later
Girl #1: They missed their deliverables again. Can you believe that shit?
Girl #2: No, I can't believe it. I am so frustrated for you. What is the excuse? "Our neanderthal foreheads make it difficult to see the screen?"
275 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
1PM You Had to Axe?
Supervisor: I smelled bad today so I sprayed myself with a lot of deodorant.
Co-worker: You know what we call doing that back home?
Supervisor: Normal?
3350 Pine Avenue
Long Beach, California
1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.
Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.
109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dirtpatch
7PM He Draws a Salary, and That's What Matters
Co-worker: For a long time I thought [Eric] was a slacker, but now that he's been sick for three days and my workload is unaffected, I've become totally convinced that he does nothing here.
101 Auto Park Circle
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Separating the Boys from the Mens' Room
Guy #1: Why did you only wash one hand?
Guy #2: I only peed on one hand.
Guy #1: You're an idiot.
737 S. 3rd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
7PM It's Easy to Be Tough When You're Holding a Mop
Janitor: See, you're making assumptions. That's no good. You know what happens when you assume, doncha?
Lawyer: ...
Janitor: Yeah, that's right; you make an ass outta yourself.
15 Somerset Street
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM A Drunk Dog Would Have Served the Same Purpose
Boss: You know, I'm really glad we hired you. You're a good sounding board for all this stuff I take in front of clients, because you don't know anything. So you probably know as much as they do. So whatever confuses you will probably confuse them.
Associate: Uh...
Boss: Exactly.
430 W. 14th Street
New York, NY
6AM Hanging Out by the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morning and I was sleeping, so now I'm fricken pissed that my phone is ringing at 2 in the morning. It's one of my husbands friends and he says, "I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My brother--" blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but only for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he'd be right over, and I waited and waited and waited. Well, the son of a bitch never came...So that ruined my whole fricken night! So my husband is still asleep, and I haven't told him yet that his friend is staying at our house, but he wasn't here yet so...So I go on doing my usual morning shit, and I go out to get the paper when something on the porch catches my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I'm thinking, "What the hell?". Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sitting on my porch. It was Tom's friend, and I asked him how long he'd been out there. He said, "Since 1 AM." And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, thank God my neighbors didn't call the goddamn police." I mean I can just picture this man sleeping on my porch, he's so damn big...So I had this beached whale on my fricken porch all night long. So then I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and Orca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I needed to drive all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Meanwhile, I still need to tell my husband...so I go in and I wake him up and I said, "Congratulations hon, we have a 400 pound baby boy." He just looked at me like I was fricken nuts. So after I explained everything to him he came down, and you know...blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Orca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morning I come downstairs and...he was laying on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I'm going to have to burn my couch. You don't seem to understand how big he is. His stomach wasn't even touching the couch. It was hanging off of it. When he sits down his belly button reaches his nose. He could probably use it as a beer holder. Well I hear this whirring noise and he's got on a fricken oxygen mask, and honestly I didn't know he couldn't breathe...I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But literally his stomach is so huge. He's got a dickdo.
Woman #2: A dickdo?
Woman #1: When his stomach sticks out further than his dick do.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
2PM Overheard on the Radio
The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).
As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
7PM Only the Ones With Hearing Aids
Two nursing assistants were feeding old men at the home.
Nursing assistant #1: Wow, you're a really awesome chewer.
Nursing assistant #2: I bet you say that to all the guys.
694 Isaac Prugh Way
Kettering, Ohio
5PM It's Less an Assumption than Universal Law
Underling: I'm really tired of having to assume that everyone else is an idiot and that I should automatically know which questions to ask.
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
8AM Cheap or Pushy, You're Still Making It Hard for the Rest of Us
Partner: Fuck that!...Fuck you! I am not cheap! I want what's rightfully my client's!
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
12PM Whipping Political Slaves Keeps the Weight in Check
Visiting European account manager: Hello [Katie], how nice to see you again. I am back for factory visit!
Chinese Sales Rep: Hi, welcome you to office again! You are look much fatter than last time! Every time, fatter and fatter!
Visiting European account manager: ...yes...well...really...
188 Dong Cheng Da Dao
Dong Guan, China
12AM Apparently It's Our Editor Who's the Idiot
Guy #1: I saw a grammatical error on overheardintheoffice.com, but I was too lazy to email them and point it out.
Guy #2: You are an idiot.
1st Street & Ninth Avenue
Charlestown, Massachusetts
12PM Maybe He Can Put You on Overheard...Again
Co-worker: I figure, if he sends me to jail, I'm just going to call the judge a cocksucker. 'Cause at that point, what can he do?
6111 Oak Tree Boulevard
Independence, Ohio
6AM When Human Resources Fails
City worker #1: So what'd you do?
City worker #2: I told him I'd bust that muthafucka up straight up.
City worker #1: No doubt.
393 Lewis Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Mohammed
8AM You're Not Really Making Him Gruntled
Boss: I was out at the corporate office yesterday. Do you know who was asking about you?
Worker: No, who? Who?
Boss: No one!
303 Roslyn Road
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Jeff Bailey
12AM That's the Only Look I's Got
Worker #1: Yeahs I's got you.
Worker #2: You sure?
Worker #1: Yeahs I's saids I's got you, I's got you.
Worker #2: Then why are you looking at me so stupid like?
1 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
12PM It's Snobby in California
Product Manager #1: It's Spring Break.
Product Manager #2: How come we don't get Spring Break?
Intern #1: Because you're no longer young.
Intern #2: Or pretty.
777 4th Street
Los Angeles, California
8AM Leaving That Market Wide Open for Competitors
Woman: Yeah, I managed to get rid of him by telling him that he needed someone to surgically remove the stick that's up his ass, but that we don't do that here in this office, so...
626 Thayer Road
West Point, New York
12PM Insert Disk Into Drive
Guy with monitor: You need anything else moved into your office?
Other guy: No, but you're my IT bitch so I'll call you when I need something.
525 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM "How can I make your member look like Senor Wences?"
I picked up a call that was on hold and the LA talent agent that was on the other end was muttering "with your dentures and your eyeliner, you dirty old bitch".
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Neal
12PM God Save the Queen's English
US suit: ...a dedicated router.
UK suit #1: I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's actually "roo-ter".
US suit: A rooter is a swine. If you're going to be in America, speak English.
UK suit #2: Two hundred years, and they still haven't gotten it yet!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM It's a Monthly Measurement
Sales guy: ...and then five years later, I'm into benchmarking.
Legal: That's funny, when you said "Benchmarking" I heard "Bitchmarking"...sorry, ladies.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM That's Where He Goes to Do Number 1/2
One guy steps up to the tall urinal, while the other man, a little person, steps up to the short urinal. The tall guy looks over and
comments: I guess they installed that urinal especially for you to use.
6821 Montevideo Sq. Ct.
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: Ron Rammelkamp
12AM My Father's Father is a Lesbian
Two maintenance guys arrive to vacuum a cubicle after part of the ceiling fell.
Maintenance guy, 40s: See, he's what you'd call a male chauvinist pig. He thinks vacuuming is something that a woman should do. Now, I don't look like no woman.
Maintenance guy, 20s: No, but you look like a dyke.
Maintenance guy, 40s: I look like a dyke?
Maintenance guy, 20s: Easy, Grandpa, easy!
Maintenance guy, 40s: Oh, I'm Grandpa now?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Leadership Means Boosting Your Subordinates
CEO: [Frank] and [James] go way back. And when they start on a bid, [Frank] doesn't shave. He grows a moustache, and when we get the deal the moustache comes off. So when I see it start coming back, I want it off. Either way, he's still the ugliest bastard we have on the team.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy, Redux
In a meeting: Providers only terminate their contracts for one of two reasons: Pay or Other.
At a bar with a friend: You know, I was diagnosed as a genius as a child and I think that is why I don't get along with her; I don't get along with other geniuses. That is why I think you and I are such good friends.
In response to an email: Ya know, I have tracking on this, and as usual, I am completely embarrassed.
[Bonus: found in coworker's personal ad: Things that turn me on: Thunderstorms]
522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Breanna Freeman
4PM Welcome to Our Company: Our Values are Now Yours
HR Guru: The only person you can change is yourself--
Infidel: I keep trying that, but she's still being a bitch!
2025 E St, NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Bendystraw
12AM Anywhere in the World, IT Stands for A-Hole
IT Guy: The last 15-20 minutes of my life have been wasted because you are a moron.
2100 Mckinney Ave.
Dallas, Texas
6PM Brevity is the Soul of Wit
Texan suit: I'm looking for that Can Do attitude, not Can't Do.
British suit: Fuck off.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Finally, Someone Explained TP to Me!
Customer: So where in the instruction manual does it tell me to save the receipt?
Customer Service Rep.: You're kidding me, right? You mean to say that you have to be told to save your receipt?
Customer: Yes, I do.
Customer Service Rep.: So, if you were to go out and buy a roll of toilet paper, it would have to say "Tear here, wipe there" or else you wouldn't know how to use it? Because both are pretty much common sense, sir.
835 41st Street
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: christiana (while doing remote observations on customer service calls)
