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10AM Which Also Leaves Out Spanking and Flogging
Boss to assistant: Well, we're not going to fire you, because you'd like that too much.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Sir Rugo
12PM As a Condition of His Parole
Suit #1: Well, what about Harry*? We could put him on the local board. He has a lot of connections around the city.
Suit #2: Wait, didn't he just get out of prison?
Suit #3: Eh, he's paid his debt to society. Plus, I'm sure he's looking for a job.
Conference room
New York, New York
1PM Can I at Least Steal Office Supplies?
Interviewer: Are you comfortable with the salary for this position?
Interviewee: Well, not really, but since I don't currently have a job, I guess it'll have to be okay.
Salt Lake City, Utah
11AM But I Just Got You a Princess Dress, Raoul
Grunt: Man, this consultant is absurdly high maintenance. I swear, the woman's going to ask for a pony next!
Boss: Just get her what she wants. We need her on-board.
Grunt: Well, if she gets a pony, I want one, too.
Washington, DC
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
3PM We Ended Up Hiring the Stoner Ex-Con with Style
Manager: We didn't hire him because he wore Hush Puppies.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whitney
2PM You Know It Doesn't Involve Real Fire, Right?
Branch manager: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to fire him? I'll fire anyone -- I don't care!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
11AM This Is Exactly How Patrick Stewart Got Started, I Swear
Producer on phone with actor she wants to put in taco suit: We're a little ways from Shakespeare in the Park, I know...
110 Leroy Street
New York, New York
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
9AM But I Won't Let It Spoil My Peyote High
Manager: Your breath alcohol came back at point 09. We are going to have to term your contract, and you can get a taxi to go get your stuff out of your truck and find a way home.
Driver: That's a bummer.
7238 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I'm Having a Good Day!
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
1PM And Eating Pimp Scout Cookies
Writer: So, if I get the new position I'll be your boss.
Designer: That's what I hear.
Writer: I could be all... pimp-slapping you if you got out of line. Or, like, assigning you all kinds of work while I'm laying on the beach drinking one percent milk.
Designer: With that raise you could be drinking whole milk!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Full of Empty Pizza Boxes
Manager: Everybody who was smoking pot in here last night is fired! ... Okay, looks like I have a vacant building.
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: fired
5PM California-Straight, Anyway
Interviewee: My current girlfriend used to be a lesbian, but she's straight now.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
Overheard by: Interviewer in another row
2PM Bob's the Code We Use for Peter
Peon #1: Okay, 'MDB' is the code we use to get Bob's attention.
Peon #2: Great, now we just need to hire someone named Bob.
Copenhagen
Denmark
Overheard by: Dave
2PM Nah, Nobody Anywhere Cares What You Say
Professor: A modern example of the peasant revolt of 1381 are the anti-poll tax riots that took place under Margaret Thatcher. She refused to work with the public, and it brought down her government. We should take a lesson from this... I hope there are no microphones in here.
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Hopes There Aren't
10AM So: No Desk and a Series of 'Special Projects'
Female boss: Well, there's other ways to handle it.
Male boss: I know. It becomes, 'Why should I fire you when I can make your job miserable and make you quit?'
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
2PM You Have None of the Lying Skills You'll Need in Advertising
HR manager: How long do you plan to be with the company?
Girl interviewee: Until I find something better.
HR manager: Okay, I think that about does it. Thank you for coming in.
Brentwood, Tennessee
4PM You're Hired! You Start Work As a Mule on Monday
Chick: Hi, I'm here for the interview...
Employee: Alright... What's your name?
Chick: I'm here for an appointment at 3:30.
Employee: Oh, it's noon right now, so... not for a while!
Chick: Oh, is it? Ohhh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm, like, really blazed right now.
Northlake Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: cool, im hungover.
9AM Whoops!
CEO: Anywho, it'll make us look honest, at least, if we say we just won't charge for that job. We don't want to just out-and-tell them we fucked that one all to hell.
34921 Del Rio Drive
Ontario, California
3PM Warning! Warning! Truth Outbreak in Sector Seven!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Interviewee: Within the firm, are there opportunities for advancement?
Interviewer: Basically, it's an entry-level job -- when you begin it's going to be like,'Shut up and color, we're going to micro-manage you.'
15th Street and Yamhill Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: PH factor
1PM Help, There Are Trammps in Our Refrigerator!
Employee #1: Now, where did 'Disco Inferno' come from?
Employee #2: Not me! It's not on my iPod!
Employee #1: I think it came from the refrigerator!
Employee #2: Oh really?
Employee #1: No, this is serious! You're not the one with 'Disco Inferno' stuck in your head!
Chevy Chase
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: kitchen watcher
5PM And Just Like That, Alan's Frame of Reference Exploded
Interviewer: So, I see from your resume that you spent two years in Africa with the Peace Corps.
Interviewee: Yes.
Interviewer: Did you work with any minorities there?
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I was the minority
11AM Rumsfeld: Damn!
Economist: It's not my fault -- I know how to circulate a memo.
Supervisor: Well, don't think you're putting that on your resume.
Government building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: highly qualified
5PM I'm Also Real Good at Hiding in the Stock Room
Chick: So you don't know anything about anything behind the service desk?
Old manager: No, nothing.
Chick: So what happens if someone comes in here and robs us? You don't know how to push the button to call the cops?
Old manager: No.
Chick: So... what if that happens?
Old manager: I do know how to hire a new person.
Lawyers Road
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: CSReppingsucks.
11AM They're Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security
Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can't -- you're my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I'm not. You're my supervisor.
Jeff: ...But if I'm your supervisor, and you're my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends... If it's you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it's you.
Jeff: Awesome.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls
Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
3PM Just Left a Job in Urophilia, Pennsylvania
Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!
Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you're refusing the drug test?
Job applicant #1: Oh, it's just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM He's Married to This Woman
Boss: Natasha*, is there something wrong?
Natasha: My friend just texted me saying that she's sitting next to Orlando Bloom.
Boss: Tell him he's fired if he doesn't get here in five minutes.
Employee #2: Boss, he's an actor.
Boss: I don't give a rat's ass what he aspires to be. I emailed everyone yesterday saying that this meeting was very important.
Natasha: Mr. Jones*, he's a Hollywood actor. He doesn't work---
Boss, very angry: ---I see. That's what he says, huh? He's fired then!
Employee #2: Seriously, Boss, he doesn't work here. He is just an actor who happened to sit next to Natasha's friend.
Boss: So how the fuck do you dare to interrupt my meeting with some bullshit talk on a psycho employee who thinks he's in Hollywood?!
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: working for an oblivious boss
9AM Sorry, We Lost All of Ours, Too
Management material: Can I have a job application? I came in last week for one but I lost it.
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: Jaime who deals with dumb people
5PM Of Course If We Fire Her, We'll Have the Expense of Training Another Screamer
General manager: Should we fire Missy*? She was screaming at you in front of other employees.
Manager #1: I don't know. What does Missy* feel we should do to her?
General manager: Uh, I didn't ask her.
Manager #2: She thinks we should buy her a pizza and give her a raise. What the fuck do you think she feels we should do to her?
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM She Was Breast-Feeding, You Sicko
Coworker on phone: And I like them already, they seem pretty cool. Nothing like starting my day with a cute chick showing me her boob.
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i wanna see!
5PM There Are no Stupid Questions...Oh, Wait
Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?
420 Harding
Tennessee
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
2PM And Stick It up His Nose
Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.
1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Fin
2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold
Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.
6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: melessa
2PM How Angie Got Her First Job
Manager: So why do you want to work in a book store?
Teen: Um...I love reading books.
Manager: What's the last book you read?
Teen: Uh...Umm...I don't...[Giggles]...Umm...
Manager: Well, what's your favorite book?
Teen: Um...
Manager: Okay.
Barnes & Noble, Irving Mall
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Mongo Man
11AM Who Wants to Work in a Dump Like This Anyway?
Manager: We're going to have to let you go.
Employee: I didn't do nothin'!
Manager: I personally caught you defecating into the employee bathroom sink.
Employee: The toilet was filthy!
95 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Who Among Us Can Say They Haven't Run That Search?
Employee #1: I don't think she got fired.
Employee #2: Yeah, but when they cleaned out her computer they found the search terms "anal, Ann Coulter" quite frequently.
18 Passaic Avenue
Fairfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: thanks for blocking aim, douchebags
5PM Because God Know Mine Am Bad
Manager: We're hiring another producer in Quebec. And one thing that I think we all agree on is that his English has to be very, very well.
180 Varick Street
New York, New York
12PM And I'll Say, 'Harder, Slave'
Employee: It seems like there are a lot of new people working here.
Boss: Yes, sometimes I'll be leaving the building and will say to someone, "I don't know you," and they will say, "I work for you."
Elevator, 215 Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Rule of Thumb: Don't Hire Anyone Who Has Ever Performed a Mortal Kombat Move in Real Life
Applicant, explaining multi-year gap in employment history: I got sent to jail for stabbing a guy twelve times, but it was bullshit.
Manager: Oh yeah?
Applicant: Yeah. I only stabbed him six times; I just had two knives in my hand. It was bullshit.
Manager: Hmm. I see.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM He's Fated to Become the Regional Manager
Employee: Fuck you very much for calling Blockbuster; how may I abuse you?...Oh, hi, Bill* [regional manager]...Yeah, today's my last day.
Blockbuster
Del Mar, California
Overheard by: Petyr
12PM Nobody Who Says 'Languish' Would Ever Get Promoted in the US
Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What's the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you're not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you're saying you can't give me another job because you've been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.
388 George Street
Sydney, Australia
2PM Sandi's Dead, But She Told Me Her Files Are in the Computer. Here's a Hammer.
Assistant: Do I need to do anything with this e-mail to Karen*?
Sales guy: No.
Assistant: Okay, I'm going to just drop it over into her folder and move on.
Sales guy: Okay, that's up to you.
Assistant: I save everything.
Sales guy: I like to delete. If I know you've saved it, I just delete it.
Assistant: Yeah, but what if my computer bursts into flames? Or what if I quit?
Sales guy: You? Quit? [laughs]
Assistant: You shouldn't laugh...
Sales guy: Oh.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Secretary: I Thought You Only Get Fired If You Wear It
Director: If I mail underwear, I'll get fired.
Direct mail department of a conservative Catholic organization
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Chuckles to Himself
9AM I'll Be Going Postal, So Bring a Tourniquet
Receptionist #1: Is tomorrow your last day?
Receptionist #2: Yes.
Receptionist #1: Good.
Park Place
Cardiff University, United Kingdom
Overheard by: stranded_in_UK
12PM Lunch
Girl: So, I just had my exit interview with HR and they were all like, "Be honest, why did you just up and quit out of nowhere?"
Guy: Did you tell them the truth?
Girl: I told them that I was in love with you, and that the sexual tension and frustration was creating a poor work environment for me.
Guy: So then you did tell the truth.
Route 1 South
West Windsor, New Jersey
11AM Tetanus Shot
Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?
1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado
Overheard by: A Sane Applicant
3PM Slush Pile
HR manager: God, I hate it when you bring me that junk!
Admin: These are people's resumes.
HR manager: Fine, shove your junk in my box.
Admin: Excuse me?
HR manager: Just leave it in my box. I'll throw it away in the morning.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM Annual Volunteer Project
I-banker: Why can't we just donate money to hire people to do this work?
2615 W. 84th Place
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Interview
Interviewer: Tell me about a time when you had to decide something quickly.
Applicant: When I quit my last job. Just one day, I'd had enough.
Interviewer: So...you didn't give notice.
Applicant: It's not like they didn't know it was coming. They laid off a bunch of people later.
Interviewer: What do you think are your greatest strengths?
Applicant: I'm reliable. Very dependable.
301 Industrial Boulevard
Conway, Arkansas
Overheard by: Denise
11AM In the Corner Office
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She's been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don't give out raises for people who do a good job. You've gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
1PM Affirmative Action
Female employee #1: They're interviewing that guy for the new position.
Female employee #2: No, they can't. We need to hire another woman.
Female employee #1: No way. [whispering] Women are bitches.
1001 North 19th Street
Arlington, Virginia
4PM Afternoon Delivery
Coworker: So, has the National Guard taught you head shots yet?
UPS guy: Nah, but we're gonna start with civilians.
17 Battery Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kona Gallagher
2PM Processing Payroll
Owner's wife on phone: Where are the timesheets?
Girl who was just fired: They are in my hands right now.
Owner's wife: Where are you?
Girl: What do you mean where am I? I'm at your office, you called me here!!
3202 Vie Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
5PM That's a Wrap
Accountant: Who do you have to sleep with around here to get fired?
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM Brainstorming Session
New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we're into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: "Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!" They told me I couldn't do that. But it would have been effective!
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
2PM Personnel Changes
Manager to department head: That guy is a real Einstein, why did you hire him?
Department head: I didn't hire him, you did. I call him Einstein.
Manager: You gonna fire him?
Department head: Can't, you hired him, you gotta fire him.
Manager: Hey, Einstein! Come here for a minute.
Einstein comes up to manager.
Manager: Einstein, anyone ever tell you that you are sharp as a marble?
Einstein: Gee, no, thanks!
Manager: Einstein, you are just too sharp for this job, I have to let you go.
Einstein: GEE! Thanks!
12 Oaks Mall
Novi, Michigan
10AM Compliance Concerns
New training manager: Can't believe there are so many deliquencies on the video training, when all you have to do is click to open it, and then walk away and do real work.
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
10AM Sorting Applications
Office manager: Ohh, this one speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Where's he from?
Office manager: No, no, he's an English guy that speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Oh!
Office manager: So he can translate everything that Ramiro* in the warehouse is trying to tell us!
Sales guy: Plus one for the Spanish-speaker!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1, whispering: They're firing Lily* on Friday!
Lily, standing behind coworker #1: Why!! What did I do!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Suit #1: Are you going to the farewell party for [Liz]?
Suit #2: I don't know yet. Does she know she's leaving or is it a surprise party?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
10AM Editorial Meeting
Designer: Do you ever wonder if some of the girls here were hired for their looks? Oh, I'm not talking about you -- I know you were hired because you're a good writer.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Exit Interview
CSR: I feel bad though that I'm leaving -- I really like it here.
Manager: Oh, don't feel bad. We got our money's worth out of you.
Supervisor: Uh.
Manager: Um, I know, that sounds bad, huh. What I mean is that we, as a company, would much rather hire smart people who leave after two years than stupid people who stay here for, like, forty.
CSR: Thanks?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Out for Some Fresh Air
Courtyard dweller #1: I am not sure I should hire him.
Courtyard dweller #2: Why? He seems cool enough.
Courtyard dweller #1: I asked him what he was listening to on his iPod when he walked in.
Courtyard dweller #2: Yeah, and?
Courtyard dweller #1: He was listening to Celine Dion.
Courtyard dweller #2: Enough said.
10050 Wolfe Road
Cupertino, California
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
4PM Cruise Job Listings
Co-worker #1: If I ever get fired, I really want to sell myself on the streets.
Co-worker #2: Like a prostitute?
6350 Transit Road
Depew, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Director #1: Hey, why are you packing up? Is your office moving tomorrow?
Director #2: Uh, no. I just got fired.
Director #1: Oh, wow. There's really just not a way for this not to be awkward is there?
7201 Metro Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Can I see your boobs today?
Underling: Now would be a good time to put in my two weeks.
950 Eller Drive
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
2PM Review Candidates
Boss #1: We can use [Derek] as our field supervisor; he knows how to do the work.
Boss #2: Is he still a drunk?
Boss #1: Yeah. His wife left him.
Boss #2: He has always been a drinker.
Boss #1: So we'll put him in charge of everything and he can run the crews. We'll pay his expenses and give him the company truck.
Boss #2: Okay. Sounds good to me. Maybe stuff will start getting done now.
8221 NW Expressway Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2PM Make Offer
Suit #1: Well, you've heard more than I have. I can think of three candidates, then.
Suit #2: And one very close to you.
Suit #1: Yes.
Suit #2: There's Bill.
Suit #1: Yes.
Suit #2: And Mark.
Suit #1: Yes.
Suit #2: And that good-looking guy from Connecticut, the one with the hair.
Suit #1: Right.
Suit #2: Hmm.
140 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Sensitivity Training
Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.
12 East 46th Street
New York, NY
4PM Update Resume
Co-worker #1: I have my big meeting tomorrow.
Co-worker #2: What meeting?
Co-worker #1: You know! The meeting where I'm going to stand up and say, "Fuck this! I quit!"
122 South Main Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
12PM Schedule Interviews
Co-worker #1: What happened to that [Veronica] girl?
Co-worker #2: She quit already.
Co-worker #1: After one day?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I don't think she was that into this whole thing.
Co-worker #1: What, marketing?
Co-worker #2: No...Work.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter
4PM Interviews
Intern #1: How did the interview go?
Intern #2: You know how punctuality is a good thing?
Intern #1: Oh my gosh, were you late?
Intern #2: No, I was two weeks early.
1150 17th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Layoffs Meeting
Manager: It would be misleading of me to tell you that there was any hope of you having a job.
1919 Swift Drive
Oak Brook, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: So who is this [Harold] guy?
Co-worker #2: He was hired for a job, but never showed up.
Co-worker #1: Why? Did you ever find out?
Co-worker #2: All he wanted to do was rape and pillage, but Jesus wouldn't allow it in this establishment.
8042 South Grant Way
Littleton, Colorado
4PM Employee Evals Due
HR: What we need to determine about her mistake is, is this fuckup a rare occurrence or is this the type of thing we should come to expect from her.
VP: You mean like the normal run of the mill disasters...
HR: Exactly.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
5PM Out of Here
Peon: [Katie] said I'd be fired because of my hair.
VP: I don't fire people for having stupid hair.
500 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TC Ledger
4PM Work on Resume
Manager: If it didn't mean I would have to interview new people I would lobby to have half the staff here fired
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Find New Intern
Worker #1: Yeah, maybe he wasn't the best intern.
Worker #2: How was I supposed to know he'd go off his meds?
Worker #1: He sure did love opening mail, though.
Worker #2: Yeah. He sure did love opening mail.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
10AM Go Over Resumes
Recruiter: So, what do you think of her qualifications?
Manager: Well, her experience looks great. I'm just not sure what a degree in English has to do with writing?
Naval Air Station North Island
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Teresa Minnich
4PM Schedule 2nd Interviews
Worker on phone: I'm sorry, we can't hire you...It's not that, it's just that I don't want to work with you.
3838 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida
10AM Meeting with HR
Manager: So, is your girlfriend taking you out for your birthday?
Accountant: No, I'm going out with my friends.
Manager: If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't put up with that shit.
Accountant: Well, you're not, and you don't have to.
Manager: ...It's not like you're allowed to marry your friends and have kids someday...
Accountant: Well, in some places you can.
Manager: That's it, you're fired!
6801 Brecksville Road
Independence, Ohio
11AM Strategy Meeting
Project Manager: He needs to step into my office. The office of my fist. If he messes with my developer one more time, I'm gonna drop him like a bad habit. And by "drop" I mean "drop kick". And by "bad habit" I mean "communist hobo".
1375 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM Print Termination Letter
Ex-employee: I just got let go.
Employee: Really? What did they say?
Ex-employee: "Bye."
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
11AM Interviews
Candidate: Do you have a listing of job openings?
HR Secretary: Yes, there is a list on the blue piece of paper on the table.
Candidate: Which one?
HR Secretary: The blue piece of paper.
Candidate: This one?
HR Secretary: Yes.
Candidate: I'm not qualified for any of these. Do you have any other positions open?
HR Secretary: Did you turn it over? There are more job listings on the back.
Candidate: Oh.
155 Deer Hill Avenue
Danbury, Connecticut
4PM Find New Temp
Co-worker #1: I can't believe that they fired that temp.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, he wasn't working very hard and he was goofing off.
Co-worker #1: That's not very fair. By the way, do you have the new football pool sheet? I lost mine.
4950 College Boulevard
Leawood, Kansas
Overheard by: Ron Zinn
3PM [Elizabeth]'s Goodbye Party
Boss: [Elizabeth], we wish you the best. You are a nice person and if you ever want to come back to work here, you are welcome. Now where is [Rachel]? [Rachel], do you want to say a few words? Because I can only comment on [Elizabeth] as a person, not her work.
1425 New York Avenue NW
Washington, DC
9AM Good Morning, Office!
Lawyer #1: What does that mean again?
Lawyer #2: Listen, if you can't figure out this report, you're fired.
452 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch
HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
9AM My. Head. Hurts.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Employee: I went out last night and I stayed out too late.
Boss: I am not sure if I should admire your honesty or if I should fire you for not having the courtesy to lie to me.
17 Battery Place
New York, NY
4PM Look Busy!
Underling #1: Man, this sucks, you can always tell when someone's about to get let go.
Underling #2: Yeah?
Underling #1: Well yeah. [The boss] is still here.
Underling #2: How does that--
Underling #1: It's 3:30pm!...Hello? It's Friday!
5790 Fleet Street
Carlsbad, California
Overheard by: Milton Waddams
2PM Go Through Resumes
Manager: Look at this, this lady put "dictaphone" under skills on their resume.
Worker: What? A dickaphone? Was she a phone sex operator?
1402 Harborside Drive
Galveston, Texas
Overheard by: ladyinthemidst
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Okay, so, there have been some changes in the past 24 hours. First of all, [Sharon] has left us for another job.
Team: Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked old witch is dead!
955 Rumble Road
Smarr, Georgia
12PM Go Through Resumes
Colleague: What happened to the woman who used to process requisitions? Her office looks deserted.
Secretary: She's gone.
Colleague: Is she going to be replaced?
Secretary: We don't replace people in this office; we just hire someone new.
1400 John R. Lynch Street
Jackson, Mississippi
10AM Hire New Temp
Attorney: Jesus, why do they keep hiring from the Gnome and Troll Temp Agency?
550 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Send Jeff a Card
Guy in suit: Hey man, I heard you got promoted?
Guy in lab coat: Yep. I'm pretty much all herpes now.
Guy in suit: Excellent.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
1600 Clifton Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Benay Tegoo
1PM Lunch with "Client"
Woman with shoes: But...you're totally drunk.
Woman without shoes: I so want to get fired today.
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Goodbye/Welcome Lunch
Supervisor: Be sure to meet in the large conference room for the intern's goodbye lunch at noon.
Employee: Is [Andrew] leaving?
Supervisor: No, it's for [Brenda], [Andrew]'s been hired full time, so no lunch.
Employee: Well, what about the new employee welcome lunch?
Supervisor: Okay, fine...it's today at noon.
201 Connecticut Avenue NW
Washington, DC
1PM He Seems to Have a Long, Impressive Record
Employee #1: There's a drunk guy outside who wants to know if we're hiring any laborers.
Employee #2: Does he have a valid driver's license?
1201 Yorkship Square
Camden, New Jersey
7PM Maybe It's Not Bob You Should Be Roasting...
Co-worker #1: We're having an office roast for Bob on Friday, since it's his last day.
Co-worker #2: What do I need to bring?
Co-worker #1: You know, jokes, stories about him, like that.
Co-worker #2: That's it? Who's going to cook the roast?
2155 S. Bascom Avenue
Campbell, California
1PM A Drunk Dog Would Have Served the Same Purpose
Boss: You know, I'm really glad we hired you. You're a good sounding board for all this stuff I take in front of clients, because you don't know anything. So you probably know as much as they do. So whatever confuses you will probably confuse them.
Associate: Uh...
Boss: Exactly.
430 W. 14th Street
New York, NY
12AM The Definition of Unionism
Teacher: Am I going to have a job here next school year?
Principal: Only if you want to work at a school where you're not welcome.
419 East 66th Street
New York, NY
12PM They're Usually on the East Side
Receptionist: Hello. May I help you?
Woman: I would like to apply for a job here.
Receptionist: Why are you leaving your current job?
Woman: Ain't no movin' up positions.
220 Dupont Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Jack Boston
12AM Despite This Site, Sometimes the CEO is the Voice of Reason
CEO: My only regret was that I couldn't fire her [VP Marketing] twice.
50 Fremont Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Vin Dicated
6PM Maybe A Landmine Metaphor Would Have Saved Her Job
Boss: Well, I threw myself in front of the bus for you.
Marketing chick: It didn't work then?
Boss: I threw myself hard, but nah.
Marketing chick: Too bad.
Boss: Yup.
Wharf 8 Pyrmont
Sydney, Australia
1AM That's Not What Chainsaw Al Says
Consultant: So what is this meeting about, anyway?
Boss: Why is everyone so concerned about this meeting?
Consultant: Well, for starters it's 3 hours long--
Boss: Don't worry, we can't fire all of you...
595 Madison Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Trouble
7AM "...I mean, rightsize us."
Candidate: At my last job, our supervisors drilled it into us that we had to document everything we designed.
Interviewer: And what was the purpose of documenting your designs?
Candidate: They were getting ready to fire us.
47 Mall Drive
Commack, New York
12AM If You Fire Them You're Not Their Boss, By Definition
In respose to several of our wholesale customers reporting strong on-line sales in December; Boss: We do all the work and they make all the money? We have a website too and it's time we started reminding these people of that! We need to be making a hell of a lot more money areound here than we are now. Time to start firing a few of these so-called "Top Customers". That'll fucking show 'em who's boss!
800 Boylston Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4AM ...And Sometimes We Overhear Wisdom
Lady VP: I left on good terms. Not necessarily with the people I worked with, but definitely the people I worked for.
4 Times Square
New York, NY
