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5PM You Know You're Getting Old When the Kid from Jerry Maguire Is Having Children of His Own
Charity worker: His name was Brandon*, and he was about six and he has Down Syndrome and eye cancer, so he has one glass eye, but you can't tell. But sometimes it plops out. He also needs a major hip replacement, but he does walk most of the time. He can't talk. He's sooo cute.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Bora
10AM Yes, I Was Hoping You Might Be Able to Give Me Some AIDS
Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
11AM Yeah, He Aimed Her Right at Me
Coworker #1, to coughing coworker: You need the Heimlich?
Coworker #2, sharply: No!
Coworker #1: You remember when Donnie* gave Ellie* the Heimlich and she threw up all over?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
2PM Clear and Yellowish? Sounds Suspicious to Me.
Office girl #1: Where were you yesterday!
Office girl #2: I was sick, sorry.
Office girl #1: Sick with what?
Office girl #2: Head cold... My nose was running really bad.
Office girl #1: Oh, yeah? What color was the snot?
Office girl #2: Ummm... Clear-yellowish-like.
Office girl #1: No infection -- you could have come in!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Why would she answer that??
1PM And I Haven't Even Gotten Started on Helen's Yeast Issues
Coworker #1: Hey, does anyone here have the athlete's foot?
Coworker #2: Not currently... But I think Jerry* has jock itch.
Coworker #1: Thanks. You've been real helpful.
Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
Overheard by: disease free
12PM Putting Everclear in the Company Water Cooler Turned Out Poorly
Grunt #1: Hey, Stan*! How are you, man?
Grunt #2: Well, my liver hurts.
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM That, and the Floral Mumus
Lady peon looking at clothing ad from '70s: The sad thing is, how many people in this died from AIDS?
6000 Southport Road
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin Russo
12PM Because Now I Have to Go See
Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.
Sandwich shop
South Carolina
4PM Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Better?
Redhead peon: I think I'm getting a migraine.
Blonde peon: Well, like... At least your butt's not peeling!
44135 5 Mile Road
Plymouth, Michigan
3PM And I'd Like the Singing Version of All Three
Resident: What brings you here today?
Patient waiting for mammogram, pap smear, and colonoscopy: I'm here for a mammogram, a twat-o-gram, and an ass-o-gram.
Hospital, 1000 Blythe Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Her Kids Get Beaten Up Every School Day
Fashion exec on phone: Did you smell your shorts yet?
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: I smelled them too
2PM I Had a Very Progressive High School Biology Teacher
Cube monkey #1: It's not like there are a lot of straight people at this office to sleep with.
Cube monkey #2: You could sleep with the IT guy -- Harold*.
Cube monkey #1: Ew, he's a whore. I don't want to get crotch rot.
Cube monkey #2: What on earth is crotch rot? I've never heard of that.
Cube monkey #3: Not only have I heard of it, I have smelled it!
731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Anna
2PM Could Be Worse. Could Be Foot Skin.
Male worker #1, pointing at desk: What is that?
Male worker #2: I don't know.
Male worker #1: It looks like a booger, and it's not mine!
Male worker #2: How do you know it's not yours? It's on your desk!
Male worker #1: Because I eat mine.
Male worker #2: Oh, God...
1574 South West Temple
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Shaun
4PM The Perfect Time to Tell Him It's Not His Baby
Pregnant customer: Why didn't you tell me I had a zit under my nose?! I'm so freakin' embarrassed.
Husband: You need to be worried about that mustache, not that zit.
North Point Mall
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: wannabmilf
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process
Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.
Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: jennifer
9AM You're the Only One Who's Ever Noticed
Office peon: You smell like a giant fruit fly!
Fishers, Indiana
1PM The Original Forrest Gump Script Left Something to Be Desired
Consultant describing different diagnostic tests to client: Gonorrhea is like a can of chili.
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
10AM White People and Their Imaginary Problems
Intern: I need to get some sun... so I can get laid. I mean, cancer or celibacy?
Office manager: Cancer!
212 3rd Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sad, but True
5PM Just Accept That Some of Your Colleagues Will Be Scumbags
Male peon in restroom: Hey, I didn't know we had soap in here!
8110 South Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Icked out female coworker
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
11AM Now Hop on One Foot While I Take Your Wallets
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don't feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain...
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow...
Miami, Florida
5PM Our Feet, for Instance
Office hottie #1: Just think of all the stuff we put in our mouths that we don't think about...
Office hottie #2: Ummm...
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
1PM One of the More Confusing Motivational Speakers
Grunt: Why the hell should I care if some stupid Egyptian thinks I look like a ragamuffin?
Sutter Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Front Desk
10AM What's the Upside Here?
Chick on cell, going to see her dad at work: Not shaving my legs is my chastity belt -- now I can get drunk and not be a slut.
Main Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by:
9AM ... For Sleeping with My Husband
Attorney: I'm so pregnant... My husband always says, 'Honey, you're a whale!' And then I tell him, 'Shut up! You're an immigrant!'
Admin: You should really stop saying that to him.
Attorney: Well, he is, and it's a term of endearment! Like when I call you a dirty whore!
Hackensack, New Jersey
12PM IT, the World's Second-Oldest Profession
Lady coworker: I'm going for a walk. My legs are sore from being under that desk all day.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Tina
12PM I Knew Letting Dennis Quaid Pilot a Ship inside My Body Was a Poor Idea
Cube dweller: Ow, my pancreas!
30 North La Salle Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM The Basement Is Visibly Firmer
20-something worker #1: You know, I've never had a bikini wax. Never.
20-something worker #2: What? How do you keep yourself... fresh down there?
20-something worker #1: Neutrogena works like a charm.
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bored in NJ
9AM Is It Possible Semen Doesn't Cure Gingivitis, Either?
Lady coworker #1 reading a website: Here it says, 'Sleep is the best cure for a headache.'
Lady coworker #2: My boyfriend always says sex is the best cure for a headache... He's lying to me!
University of Münster
Germany
1PM Thanks for Sharing
Secretary on phone: No, I haven't been well lately. I've had a bout of shingles all summer. From my breast bone to my hip, all down my right side... Shingles! No, shingles! Do you know what that is? It's herpes! All down my right side!
1 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM And You're Positively Glowing with Health!
Employee: I really like the new floor tiles you picked for the office!
Boss: Good thing, too. These old tiles were put in in the 1950s, and I just found out they were made with cobalt.
Employee: Ah.
Boss: Yeah, they're actually radioactive.
Employee: Huh?
Boss: A Geiger counter would totally pick up on the radiation in here!
Employee: Ummm...
Boss: But it's not really a problem -- it would take decades of exposure to effect you, really.
Employee: I've been here 18 years.
Music agency
Vienna
Austria
10AM Customers Are Starting to Complain
Sales rep answering phone: Sales department... Oh, hi... Really? Thank God, because I have been scratching down there all night!
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM For the Last Time, This Is a Library
Boss on phone: I am not your proctologist today, sir!
3500 Boulevard de Maisonneuve
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: the receptionist
9AM Or Get Stoned to the Point Where This Question Doesn't Matter?
Summer worker #1: I think I smoke too much weed.
Summer worker #2: Yeah... But at least you won't get glaucoma.
Summer worker #3: What's glaucoma?
Summer worker #1: It's an eye disease. Maybe you should smoke more so you don't get it.
Summer worker #3: But what about lung cancer?
Summer worker #2: Look, would you rather see or breathe?!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Dude, It's Not for That
Account exec #1: So, are you still taking calcium?
Account exec #2: Yeah, and I'm still fucking crazy.
289 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM It'll Be the Best Thing on C-SPAN This Week
Vet examining dog with anal abscess: All this dog needs is an hour alone with its butt and its tongue.
Washington, DC
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
4PM ... Now It's Just Bubbling a Little. Wanna Listen?
Coworker: Hey, how was your weekend?
Intern: Great! It's stopped itching and-- [Coworker walks away.]
Washington, DC
9AM A Golden Shower
Suit on phone: Yeah, you better remember how to take a shower.
59 Camelot Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Sorry, I'm washing my hair tonight
3PM That Goes Double for You, Bob
Manager: Okay, bitches. At this beach party I want y'all to take care of business down South. I don't want no hairy pussy to attack me while I'm tanning. [All female coworkers nod and walk away.]
Fulton Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: coworker
4PM Stairs Go Up?
Large male peon: Oh, I usually take the stairs. Do you mind if we take the stairs?
Large lady peon: Yeah, no-no-no. That's absolutely fine. I take the stairs all the time. Absolutely. So long as it isn't up.
Opperman Drive
Eagan, Minnesota
Overheard by: I'm taking the elevator
12PM Or Salmon Mousse with Cucumber Sauce
Coworker, after boss's going-away party: I just feel sick... like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I'm allergic to sentiment.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM Like Marshmallow Fluff on Your Cocoa!
Office chick: How was your weekend?
Office guy: I got a sunburn! Look, my skin is flaking off! [Rubs his arm.]
Office chick: Stop! You're flaking into my coffee!
San Antonio, Texas
12PM You Really Need to Go with Original Manufacturer's Equipment for Internal Organs
Girl on cell: I totally need to go to a doctor. I think I have that imitation bowel syndrome!
Office
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Jason Carr
11AM Gotta Unpack the Suitcase or Your Clothes Get Musty
Hot intern #1: You know why I love wearing miniskirts on Mondays?
Hot intern #2: Maybe. Why?
Hot intern #1: Because I can air things out after a weekend of hard work.
Hot intern #2: Oh, hey, I wonder if that would work for me...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting any
5PM Now, Does Jesus Say That Every Time We Have Communion?
Crazy ER patient: I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord!
Monotone nurse #1, taking vitals: Blood pressure, 150 over 80... Pulse, 110.
Nurse #2: Yes, yes, but does he believe in the Lord?
Monotone nurse #1: Haha. Hold him. [Jabs crazy patient with a needle.]
Crazy ER patient: I believe in-- Aaauuugh! You bitch!
Nurse #2: What about the Lord?
Crazy ER patient: Auuugh! Stop taking my blood, you bitch!
Colorado
Overheard by: TK
11AM Time for a Conversation with Jessica Simpson
Hardhat: Don't eat the tuna salad in the cafeteria. It made me throw up.
Suit: Food poisoning takes a while. How long did it take to make you sick?
Hardhat: About 5 seconds. All I can figure is, someone must've put fish in it - I'm allergic to fish.
7th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
4PM Somebody's Gotta Do It If We're Gonna Eat 'Em
Tester #1: Don't mess with me like that. I'm cracked out on Vitamin C.
Tester #2: You know, too much Vitamin C makes you itch. Itch like crazy. Itchy scratchy.
Tester #1: Who told you that?
Tester #2: My grandma.
Tester #1: Didn't your grandma kill chickens?
Tester #2: That's beside the point.
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Went Right Through a Stop Sign
Clerk #1: Sorry, I'm a little dyslexic.
Clerk #2: My dog died of dyslexia!
1901 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Office Droid
5PM Except for This Incubus Growing Inside Me
Coworker: Are you okay?
Pregnant woman having contraction: Nothing fell out, so I'm good.
Navy yard
Washington, DC
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
4PM Then How Come X-Rays Are Black and White, Smart Guy?
Office manager: Have you ever seen the images from an MRI? It's amazing the beautiful colors that are inside of our bodies!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glorified gopher
3PM Ladies, This Is the Mark 29 Industrial Fan
Woman clerk: You all need to get your hot flashes together so we can get to work!
Springfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Azazel
9AM Tropic of Cancer Has That Effect on a Lot of People
New mother, about boss's new book: I'll pop a boob out while I'm looking at the book. [Coworkers look shocked.] Oh, no! I meant while I'm breastfeeding!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
5PM No Gay People in This House!
Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn't leave the house anymore. She had that -- what do you call it -- homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean 'agoraphobia.'
Coworker #1: No, I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
Coworker #2: ... If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me
Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned
11AM Let Me Rephrase That Question
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm... I'm pretty sure I didn't get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
10AM Usually Just My Doorman Tells Me That
Teacher #1: So, I went to my gynecologist yesterday, and he told me I had an exceptionally nice vagina.
Teacher #2: Oh, that was nice of him.
214 Race Street
Middletown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: poor student who wanted to ask a question
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
11AM A Move Known As "The IT Sidestep"
Temp: We found some old mice in the trashcan. I don't really think they belong in there.
Tech guy: I think that's a problem for facilities. Are they dead or alive?
Maryville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cinderella
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4PM Dude, People Drink Out of That!
Office engineer #1: Why are you washing your hands in the water cooler?
Office engineer #2: Oh, I was playing with my dirty, failed parts.
Oil pump company
Claremore, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Tony
2PM And Don't We All Want That?
Lady on cell: ... Yeah, that's why he wants to keep the urine acidic...
3940 Quebec Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cranberry Juice
9AM Never Anywhere Near a Diaper
Toddler: What are you doing?
Mom: I'm changing your diaper.
Toddler: Now what are you doing?
Mom: I'm wiping you.
Toddler: Where's my penis?
Mom: It's right there.
Toddler: Where's Daddy?
Stop & Shop
New Paltz, New York
4PM Plus, Who Would We Get to Clean Our Rain Gutters?
Manager: How's your mother?
Employee: She's coming home tonight. They wanted to put her in a nursing home, but I said, 'No way.' Not at Christmas.
Manager: Doesn't she need that level of care?
Employee: Not at Christmas, she doesn't.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
2PM ... Impotence, Incontinence, Flatulence, Priapism...
Training instructor: You should not upgrade the software right when a patch comes out. Sometimes it may have bugs.
Student: So, it's like when you take a drug, sometimes it can have side effects like---
Training instructor: Yeah, but let's keep the discussion focused on software.
Student: ---Throwing up, vomiting...
Training instructor: Uh, yeah.
Madison, Alabama
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
10AM Captain Obvious Has Bowel Movements, Too
Guy in stall #1: Hey, what's up? Yeah, okay. You still wanna do that today?
Massive eruption occurs from next stall.
Guy in stall #2: Huh? Oh, that... I'm taking a shit right now...
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM That's Coming from Her TV -- It's Stuck on Lifetime
Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.
Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey
4PM Britney: Do Whatever He Says!
Male boss: I will go K-Fed on your ass.
Male employee: What?
Male boss: Don't make me make you pregnant.
Orlando, Florida
12PM And Forget about the Sanitarium
Mother to son behind the curtain: If you don't behave, I'm not going to take you to the hospital ever again.
Franklin Square Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Brain Surgeon
5PM A Brave One
Employee: I have to leave, my mother's bleeding.
Manager: Again?
Employee: Bleeding somewhere down there [gestures below waist] -- she's not sure where.
Manager: What kind of doctor do you call for that?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter
Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.
In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!
80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!
2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania
11AM Have You Heard That Crazy Rumor about Tanning?
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool -- we didn't realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn't know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
5PM You Can't Get Unscented Anything in the State Hospital
Creepster #1 smelling women's deodorant: Smell this: it smells like raspberry. Mmm!
Creepster #2: Smell this... It smells good! It's called 'Unscented'!
Creepster #1: Mmm.
Walmart
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: walking away quickly as to not disturb them
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
11AM The Car Did Most of the Work
Coworker: I was in a car accident once, but it wasn't my fault because I was asleep.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Not carpooling anymore
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
1PM Despite What You May Have Heard
Thrift store connoisseur: Well, I don't like underwear with stains anyway...
19043 Wentworth Avenue
Lansing, Illinois
Overheard by: Rusti
12PM Of Course They're Expensive --They're Moloko Dispensers
Hick girl #1: Look, I'm just saying, that bitch was a bitch.
Hick girl #2: She is such a bitch.
Hick girl #1: I know. And her costume wasn't even funny.
Hick girl #2: I don't think they're supposed to be funny. I think they're supposed to be scary.
Hick girl #1: Her tits are scary.
Hick girl #2: She's always showin' her tits. I don't wanna see them scary-ass tits.
Bitch: My tits are expensive, you stupid hick bitches.
Hick girl #1: Why didn't you say you were in there, bitch? God, you're a bitch.
Hick girl #2: Bitch.
Nashville, Tennessee
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
11AM ... Which, Here at the Haagen-Dazs Quality-Control Division, We View As an Asset
Woman on phone: Yes, thank you -- she has an excessive licking problem.
East Sprague
Spokane, Washington
2PM One in Each of the Last Three Years
Coworker: So, this woman at my church just had twins, except she had three of them.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: fly on the wall
5PM 'Benny and the Jets'? Perfect for Cardio
AP woman: You look like you're getting your figure back.
AR woman: I'm trying -- I've become obsessed with BJs.
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
10AM I Will Never Forget Our Little Chat
Manager: So, my wife had to give me an enema this weekend. I thought I was going to die.
New girl: Are you serious?
Manager: Yes. I am always serious.
Christina Street
Sarnia, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Leoness
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
3PM Pretty People Still Have to Stand Up
Female coworker: I wish I was disabled.
Male coworker: What? Why?
Female coworker: 'Cause then people would do things for you, like carry your stuff and get you things.
Male coworker: People do that for pretty people -- why don't you wish to be pretty?
910 Louisiana Avenue
Houston, Texas
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
9AM She's a Somnabuleater
Guy: I don't think you were passed out. He said you went down on him three times.
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Meister
3PM The Aunt Needed to Be Wormed after an Unfortunate Incident with a Tequila Bottle
Sales assistant #1: My dad came over this last weekend and wormed Annabelle for me.
Office manager: Why did your dad have to do it?
Sales assistant #2: Is this your aunt?
Office manager: Don't you just give her a pill?
Sales assistant #1: No, you put it up her... poo.
Sales assistant #2: Ummm...
Sales assistant #3: It's an animal, Ed*!
Sales assistant #1: My dad wormed Josie, too. He has to put the medicine up the dog's tushy.
Sales assistant #2: Ohhh, okay, I thought this was her aunt. I'm okay now.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Just Like Daisy Duke
Sunday school teacher: How's that new little kitten of yours?
Priest: She's doing well. We're taking her over to the vet tomorrow to be spayed.
Child #1: What's spayed?
Child #2: That's when they take off her overalls so she can't have babies.
Joliet, Montana
10AM Dare to Dream, Little Queen
Female coworker: I think I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling well.
Gay coworker: I hope it's not contagious.
Female coworker: No. It's... woman problems. I don't think you'll get infected.
Gay coworker: You'd be surprised.
14th Street and Rhode Island Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Suprised
2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds
Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Now Here Are Some Condoms and a Hole Punch...
CFO: Our budget has been balanced the last few years because of unpaid maternity leaves, and we are working that into our models for coming years.
Committee member: So our financial solvency is based on people in the company having sex?
CFO: Basically.
Klaipeda
Lithuania
2PM The Klan Has Fallen on Hard Times
Ghetto girl on cell: Whitey snuck into my apartment and set my alarm clock off by 12 hours! I ain't never snuck into no white person's house and put poison in they're food! But Whitey's oppressin' me. Whitey snuck into my apartment while I was in the shower and stole my underwear! While I was in the shower!
545 Bus
Outside Seattle, Washington
5PM Our Children Need Statistics Classes, Now More Than Ever
Guy employee: So I read in the news today that drinking from Nalgene bottles while you're pregnant may cause a miscarriage.
Girl employee: Oh my gosh! My best friend just had a miscarriage, and she drinks from a Nalgene bottle all the time!
Guy employee: See?
Tully's Coffee, Union Station
Seattle, Washington
12PM When the Company Switched to Voodoo Performance Management
Coworker #1: What the hell am I looking at here?
Coworker #2: Could be blood, could be nothing.
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
4PM Ain't No Dignity in Being Knocked Up
Guy #1: Hey, you don't look so great.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm sick, I think I might throw up.
Guy #1: I've thrown up lots of times at work... but I was hung-over.
Downtown, Boston, MA
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
9AM ...When I Saw the Pile of Wounded Interns in Front of the Door of His Room
Guy: So, I figure that either they tried to give dad a needle somewhere he didn't want it, or something really bad happened.
Broadway
Winnipeg, Canada
Overheard by: Shalamar
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
11AM Sometimes Guys Like a Little Extra Friction
Director, pointing to picture: This sister? Is she older than you?
Employee: No I'm the oldest.
Director: She looks older than you. Both your sisters do.
Employee: That's because they both stopped taking their estrogen. They dried up.
365 W Passaic St,
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle right outside
1PM He's Manager for a Reason
Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Once You Hear the Phrase 'Tore My Ass Muscle,' the Worst Is Almost Certainly Over
Female employee: Are you limping?
Male employee: Yeah, I tore my ass muscle again.
Female admin: Just stop right there, I don't want to hear anymore.
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
12PM You Should Hear her Go off on People Who Say 'Between you and I'
Employee #1: Jane says that she feels nauseous. I think she's going home.
Employee #2: Well Jane should take a course in English vocabulary, because if she feels nausea, then she feels 'nauseated,' not nauseous. To be nauseous is to be disgusting or foul.
Employee #1: You're kinda a bitch.
Hadley Road
South Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Quitting soon
11AM Or Whatever It's Called When you Drink too Much and Fall Asleep
Coworker: I swear, I keep falling asleep at my desk...I think I have epilepsy.
7945 Haven Ave
Rancho Cucamonga, California
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
9AM The Team That Smells Together Jells Together?
Senior research analyst in the elevator: Someone's all cologned up in here.
Team leader: I think most of us are. We're a good smelling team.
4833 Rugby Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
11AM Eva Braun Waxes Rhapsodic
Co-worker: If I killed someone, he would totally lie to the police for me. Either he would be my alibi or he would lie and say he did it so I could be free.
225 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Am I Next
10AM Better Hope English Doesn't Become the Official Language of the U.S.
Dumbest: He said he had a stomach ache so I gave him some Aflac--you know, rolodex?
Less Dumb: Antacids? Rolaids?
7th and Congress
Austin, Texas
2PM Well, Yes, But Only on an Evolutionary Time Scale
Young white girl: You need to wear sunscreen. My mommy told me that skin gets dark if you don't wear sunscreen.
Young black girl: I was BORN dark.
Young black boy: Me, too.
Young white girl: Really?
Young black boy: I wear sunscreen, too.
Young white girl: You were born that way? So it's not the sun? Really?
Preschool
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amused Pre-K teacher
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM The Best Diagnosis Canada's Health Services Have Been Able to Come Up With
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Overheard by: Going to class
12PM At the Johnny Carcinoma Show
Boss: So did you work things out?
Intern: Yeah, I talked to him when I dropped the tumor off.
Martin Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: sleeping with my eyes open
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM This, for Example, Appears to be a Videotape from the Reagan Years
New mother: You would not believe all the stuff that keeps coming out of your body.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
11AM Actually She Just Had a Cold, But We Take Her Living Will Very Seriously
Employee: You know my friend didn't die the other day when they, uh, disconnected her.
Manager: Oh no?
Employee: But she's dying right now. It took forty-eight hours. I wonder if she's hungry.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jersey Girl
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone
Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?
355 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: BiPolar
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
3PM It Lost Its Virginity in Sixth Grade!
Blood drive participant: My blood is faster than your blood!
1924 Alcoa Highway
Knoxville, Tennessee
10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess
Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.
28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
3PM Is That Better or Worse Than Her Stepdaughter Being Pregnant and Moving Out to Live with the Son?
Coworker #1: Well, I got some good news and some bad news last night.
Coworker #2: Let me guess... your stepdaughter's moving out, but she's pregnant.
Coworker #1: Oh my God, you're so close! My stepdaughter's moving out and my eighteen-year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant.
Coworker #2: Wow, what luck.
1649 Pandosy
Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada
Overheard by: melissa
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
5PM She Has Trouble Hearing When She's Going 'BLURGH!'
Guy #1: I was talking to Megan the other day. She is pretty cool.
Guy #2: Yeah, she is, but man, she is really bulimic.
Guy #3: Bulimic? What does that mean? Does that mean she's deaf?
YMCA
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: T
12PM Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.
Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.
Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.
Elevator
Houston, Texas
12PM Will Someone Please Buy This Nurse a Knockoff Prada Clutch or Something?
Nurse #1: Do you think it's okay to eat this? It was in there with the specimen bag.
Nurse #2: Oh yeah, it's fine.
Hospital
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: jessie spano
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
12PM Guy Laroche, Guy de Maupassant...
Local public radio reporter: Nurse Smith* is reponsible for the health of over 2,000 students in the school district, but she seems to know many of them individually and calls them by name as she passes them in the hallway.
School nurse, to kids: Hey, guys.
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4PM What Would Jesus Eat?
Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren't fat.
2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: in the office next door
2PM It's Their Wellness Program
General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it's nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can't!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I'm feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.
Beaumont, Texas
12PM Oh, Okay. Tweetie.
Teen girl, holding a bag with a dead bird inside: My grandfather called earlier about getting this bird checked for West Nile virus. He found it in his yard.
Office clerk: Ok, I remember talking to him this morning. I need to get some information from you first. Now, what was his name?
The girl's eyes get big, and she looks at the bag.
Office clerk: No, not the bird's name. I need to know your grandfather's name.
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
4PM They Should Get Married
Giddy woman: You like alcohol, don't you?
Not-So-Giddy woman: I like when everyone around me's drunk. It makes my life easier.
Giddy woman: I like when I'm drunk. It makes my life easier.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: 3rd cubicle to the left
11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up
Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
1PM Why Rich Babies Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Lady #1: I'm very tired. I went out last night.
Lady #2: Oh, did you have a lot to drink?
Lady #1: Of course not, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: It's pretty bad to drink when you're pregnant.
Lady #1: Yeah, it's so expensive, and you've gotta save money to buy baby stuff.
Goulbourn Street
Sydney, Australia
9AM What Happens When Spell-Check Infiltrates Speech
Trainee: So, can you tell me why your mother can't walk?
Daughter: Her leg was amputated, and she can't walk on her prostate.
Home office
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: T
1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves
Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!
Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not getting any either
3PM No, It's 'I Ripped Off My Nipples'
Employee #1: I waxed my chest last night, and I didn't have any more tape so I tried using duct tape.
Employee #2, laughing uncontrollably: Wait, wait, wait! I thought the punch line was "I waxed my chest last night"?!
Lynchburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike Oxlong
1PM Look Who's Talking, Dr. Vajayjay
Male nurse #1: I just thought of something. Wouldn't it be so embarassing being a gynecologist? What's your motivation? Man, that would just be so embarrassing.
Male nurse #2: Yeah, especially with your name, Dr. Beaver.
Geisinger Medical Center
Danville, Pennsylvania
3PM Remind Me Again Why You're in Charge?
Employee #1: Do we have any Band-Aids in the back?
Manager, after long pause: Uh...I don't think so.
Employee #2: Oh, Susan* said we did. I need one.
Manager: Um...I'm pretty sure we don't, but I'll look.
After disappearing in the back for 5 minutes, manager comes back out to the register.
Employee #1: So there were none back there?
Manager: Nope.
Employee #2: I'm sure there are some. Not even in the first aid kit?
Manager, after another long pause: Oooh! Band-Aids! I thought you said, "Mayonnaise"!
Victoria's Secret
New Mexico
2PM NewsFlash: Hygiene Strikeforce Raids Filthy Apartment
Irate tenant on voicemail: I came home today, and someone was in my apartment...vacuuming...I feel so violated.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM She Got Pregnant During a Gang Bang
Co-Worker #1: My sister just had her baby this morning!
Co-Worker #2: How exciting! Wait, who just had a baby last month?
Co-Worker #1: My sister.
Co-Worker #2: The same one?
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
12PM It's My Fitness Program
Female co-worker: Yeah, these bruises on my legs? I wish I could say they were from S&M. Actually, I was just drunkenly stumbling around.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McN
1PM The Ability to Arrive at a Logical Conclusion Is Not Widely Distributed in the Population
Girl #1: There is so much secondhand smoke here that it's going to kill us eventually.
Girl #2: That's for sure!
Girl #1: It's okay, though. I have life insurance.
Local bar
Burlington, North Carolina
Overheard by: Bartender Snickering Nearby
4PM What if Your Kid's Hungover?
Co-Worker #1: Kids are just a built in excuse to call in sick. If Carl* can call in because his kid is sick, I should be able to call in sick because I'm hungover.
Co-Worker #2: Wouldn't that be every day then?
Co-Worker #1: No, I mean too hungover to work.
Highways 7 and 78
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: steak of life
11AM How Does One Judge a Kegel Exercise Contest?
Woman #1: Maybe it fell out because her vagina had no...tone.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #3: Right, no Kegel's.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Right, you are supposed to do Kegel's all day.
Woman #2: Since when?
Woman #1: From when you are 20. Or have a lot of sex.
Woman #3: I'd rather have a lot of sex than do Kegel's, but I do them, too.
Woman #2: What? My vagina is fine without either one. Don't tell my husband that, either.
Woman #3: You'll be sorry when you are older.
Woman #1: You never did Kegel's? We used to have contests at my other job.
Only man in the meeting walks in.
Woman #2: Well! What do men have to do?
Woman #3, smiling sweetly: Nothing. Men are perfect.
Bergen County, New Jersey
10AM Actually, He's Just Hung Like a Bull Moose, and Word Gets Around
Attorney #1: You know David*, the blind prosecutor downtown?
Attorney #2: He's the one who always gets the young, hot assistants, right?
Attorney #3: I don't care what anyone says, that son of a bitch can see.
300 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM That's What They Said Before Pearl Harbor
Employee #1: So as the guy was doing my nails--
Employee #2: --Wait, you have a man do your nails?
Employee #1: Oh, it's okay, he's Asian.
John Adam Street
London, England
Overheard by: rubywoo
11AM Miss Anna Phylactic's Shocking Lunch
Young lady: Are there nuts in the apple walnut salad?
Dining companion, sarcastically: No, it's a new type of apple.
Young lady: Good, because I'm allergic to nuts, and I really want that salad.
Waiter: Do you want the half salad or the whole?
858 Tittabawassee Road
Saginaw, Michigan
Overheard by: Herodotus420
10AM She Vaguely Told Me This Story About Biting Off Her Cats' Hind Legs
Reporter, about a job candidate: She seemed pretty good. She did have the makings of someone who was vaguely crazy.
East Las Olas Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: papergirl
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
2PM Paging Keith Richards...
Mother: I think Grandma Olson has a little bit of a cirrhosis thing going on.
Little girl: Why's that?
Mother: Because Grandma Olson drinks much, much, much more than-
Little girl: -Than grandpa?
Mother: Than anyone in the world.
120 Kellogg Boulevard
St. Paul, Minnesota
1PM Those Who Watch the Discovery Channel Should Not Be Allowed to Discuss It at Work
Female co-worker #1: So, I watched this special on TV about how some people are born with two distinct sets of DNA. They had a guy on it that was half white and half black.
Female co-worker #2: Having one black nut and one white nut would be awesome.
Female co-worker #1: Um, yeah.
2600 McHale Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: John da peon
11AM You Could Probably Steal One From a White Castle in the Bronx and No One Would Notice For a Week
Woman: Oh, I want the baby. I just don't want the pregnancy. If I could just go to a fast food place and order a baby, I would.
4910 16th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM No, That's Question #15
Nurse, pointing to birth control questionnaire: Ma'am, I think you answered this question incorrectly.
15-year-old girl: No, that's right.
Nurse: It asks how long you've been with your current partner. You said five minutes.
15-year-old girl: That's how long it took.
616 Court Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Vicky
5PM That's a Little Old to Not Be Having Real Sex
Social worker: So I gave the kid my copy of the DSM so he could diagnose his dog, and when he brought the book back he asked me for some porn. I thought the book was a good starting point so he could help his dog, but I don't know about the porn. He is only 17.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
4PM He Just Found Out That Phone Calls Are Social Intercourse
Teen daughter: Daddy, Daddy, the pink Razr is on sale. Will you buy it for me now? You promised!
Father: No, I don't need you to get pregnant. Now let's go!
4350 Joslyn Road
Auburn Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: rahneej
2PM The Last Temptation of Chris
Married dude: The regular girl wasn't there so they sent the cute one.
Happily-Married dude: Uh huh, the ugly one wasn't there so you met with the cute one.
Married dude: I find her very attractive.
Happily-Married dude: You are married!
Married dude: But she's paralyzed from the waist down.
Happily-Married dude: You're married! So you are paralyzed from the waist down!
226 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dag
5PM Things Haven't Let What Up?
Co-Worker #1: Are you ok? You seem frazzled.
Co-Worker #2: Oh, I hit the ground running this morning, and things haven't let up.
Co-Worker #1: You hit the ground? Did you hurt yourself?
1700 North Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Siege
10AM We Need More Support Staff
20-something woman: Just when I get my desk cleaned up, someone comes and dumps a pile of bras on it.
36th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM And You Forgot Pants
Co-Worker #1: You look so different today.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, I'm not drunk, I shaved, and I took a shower.
9603 Meridian Boulevard
Englewood, Colorado
4PM Also, You Don't By Any Chance Have an Alibi Lying Around?
Worker #1: Hey, man, you got one of them stick stain remover things?
Worker #2: Hell yes I do!
Worker #1: You know if it work on blood?
3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas
2PM I Wondered What James Stockdale Was Up To These Days
Operator: Thank you for calling Bayshore Medical Insurance*; how can I assist?
Caller: So who are you?
Operator: We're an insurance company.
Caller: And what do you do?
Operator: We help you with your insurance.
Caller: I don't understand.
Operator: Well, your boss gives you benefits for working there, and our job is to help you use your benefits.
Caller: I don't have any benefits! I never signed up for this! Did my boss tell you to call me? Is he trying to set me up? Who told you to call me?
Operator: Sir, you called me.
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: The Man
9AM Next Time Think Before You Ask Someone What's Up Their Butt
Woman on phone: How did they pull it out? Did they cut you open or go up your butt-hole?
University Place
New York, New York
4PM I Want to Dip a Hamster In It, and I've Heard Stories
Guy: I'm writing this script that takes place in an office and I was wondering, is toner flammable?
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
3PM Honey Bunches of Retrovirus
Tech #1: Did you see this consumer complaint? "Your cereal gave me herpes and AIDS." I guess we're giving out AIDS as a special promotion.
Tech #2: We're putting blood in the product now?
Tech #1: Knowing this place, more likely it's semen.
901 East Whitmore
Modesto, California
Overheard by: Changing my breakfast plans
1PM It's Like Falling in Love All Over Again!
Employee on phone: I was picking a booger out of my nose before and lost it, and I didn't know where it went and I just found it on my finger.
390 Sixth Street
Huntington, New York
9AM He Was Here Last Week, Too
Manager: How can I help you?
Customer: Yeah, I've been taking this stuff from the internet that's supposed to help with memory. I wanted to see if you have it here.
Manager: Ok, we probably do. Was it Gingko Biloba?
Customer: Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure. I can't remember what it's called.
GNC, Cherry Creek Mall
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Dash
2PM That's What the Cargo Pockets are For
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Do Your Part to Prevent the Spread of Management
Administrator #1: A-chooo.
Administrator #2: A-chooo.
Administrator #3: A-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Administrator #4: Ah, the sounds of summer.
Falcon Way
Welwyn Garden City, UK
5PM Anyway, I Already Ate Peter's Foot Skin
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Mine Shoots Way Up When People Chew on My Nipples
Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it's just fine. Thanks.
Dentist winces.
Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.
105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia
3PM Paternity Leave
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer on phone: Can I get reimbursed for herbal remedies through my flexible spending account?
CSR #1: No. Holocaustic medicines are not eligible for reimbursement unless you receive them as part of doctor's visit.
CSR #2: I think you meant holistic.
CSR #1: Whatever. Same thing.
2302 International Lane
Madison, Wisconsin
5PM That's a Wrap
Supervisor: Marlene*, I'm stuck in my chair again.
10105 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Street North
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Michael John
1PM Dessert
Boss: Never put two cranky diabetics in the same room together. All you'll get is '"fuck this," "shit this," and "blood sugar that!"
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: Dammit! I hate being poisoned!
Coworker #2: You know, something tells me that you aren't doing paperwork.
460 Canning Highway
Perth, Australia
3PM Fundraiser
Woman: Oh, Survivor Evening? Is that, like, for people who watch Survivor? Oh, breast cancer...cool!
6710 Clayton Road
Richmond Heights, Missouri
Overheard by: Transient Girl
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Welcome back. Are you feeling better?
Supervisor: Well, I am fully clothed.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Eve's Dropper
3PM Benefits Summary
Female: My nipples are boring.
Male: Does our insurance cover that?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Maternity Leave
Worker: What's up with Charlotte*? Is she okay?
Supervisor: I honestly don't know.
Worker: When I was pregnant, I worked all the way up 'til I dropped the load, and then I came back. Kids these days...
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Shift Scheduling
Nurse #1: We're short today, and so everyone is supposed to get one extra patient.
Nurse #2: I hate patients.
8260 Atlee Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: I think he had some kind of superdog
Coworker #2: What is a Superdog?
Coworker #1: I think they are dogs that do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to retarded kids or something.
Coworker #2: Oh... okay, yeah, I know the ones.
5885 NW Cornelius Pass Road
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Curious Listener
5PM That's a Wrap
Attorney: This work shit has got to stop. It's really bringing me down.
301 Merritt Seven
Norwalk, Connecticut
4PM Smoke Break
Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.
Soldier #1: Hey [John], let's go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.]
Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you're inside! Get that fuckin' cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin' eye in your head!
Building 2411-B
Fort Eustis, Virginia
Overheard by: SGT Grier
11AM Client Meeting
Boss talking to client and client's son in front office: So this is your youngest boy, isn't it? I've met him before.
Client: Uh... I don't think you have.
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure I have.... He's Down's Syndrome, isn't he?
Client: No
98 Fitzroy Street
Grafton, Australia
Overheard by: gus shanks
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Personal Call
CSR on phone with daughter: My mom never picked me up when I had cramps. You're staying at school. Period.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Swearing In
Court officer speaking to almost-admitted attorneys awaiting ceremony: And when you stand, don't lock your knees or stand up straight, just relax and kind of hunch over, we don't want anyone to collapse -- it has happened before, and it is like attorney dominoes...
45 Monroe Place
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lans
9AM Back to Work
Data center drone: God! I hate sharing workstations with the night shift. Every day when I come in, my chair smells like ass and the desk smells like armpit. Doesn't [Tim] ever take a bath?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
4PM Coffee Break
Sales guy #1: You know, this hand sanitizer stuff. Can you like.. wash with it?
Uncertain silence.
Sales guy #1: Like, wash your whole body?
Sales guy #2: Well, you're going to need a bigger bottle.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM IT Visit
IT guy sneezes several times.
IT guy: I think I'm allergic to the flowers on this screen.
Nearby blonde: Really? You can change the screen saver if you want.
Paddington Street, Paddington
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Jane Kenny
3PM Vendor Call
Co-worker #1, speaking loudly on headset phone: Well, yeah, I can totally relate to backlog problems! I mean during that refi boom we were just wall to wall with boxes full of papers. We were up to our necks in papers! If the fire marshal would've come in here, I'm pretty positive that he would've shut us down!
Co-worker #2: Should he really be saying that to our vendors?
Co-worker #3: Well, if we ever get closed down due to our vendors calling the fire department on us, at least we'll know who to thank for the days off.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
3PM Customer Interfacing
Son: Do you believe in animal testing?
Mother: Yes and no. I think that it's fine to do it on all of the extra animals taking up space out there who don't belong to anyone, but when they take people's pets from their homes for testing, I think that's wrong.
4420 Austin Bluffs Parkway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
12PM Lunch
Boss: She's just too crazy for me. She's...what's the word? Phonetic!
Associate: She sounds things out?
480 San Antonio
Mountain View, California
11AM Reading Reports
Co-worker: That's it -- I'm getting nose glasses.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
11AM Coffee Break
Woman #1: So we went shopping this weekend and I found the perfect dress but the chest part was too small.
Woman #2: You would think with boob jobs being so popular that they would just make tops bigger.
Woman #1: Yeah, just like SUVs.
2800 28th Street
Santa Monica, California
11AM Ergonomics Workshop
Co-worker #1: You starting your transformation into Bob Dole?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I already have a sore wrist.
1001 I Street
Sacramento, California
9AM Back to Work
Nurse aide #1: I was up all day watching the old Batman marathon today.
Nurse aide #2: The one with Adam West, right?
Nurse aide #1: Yep, the original.
Bed alarm sounds in the back hall.
Nurse aide #2: Holy Alzheimer's, Batman!
1111 Crater Lake
Medford, Oregon
1PM Running Diagnostics, Part 2
Assistant #1: Did you get out for lunch today?
Assistant #2: I did! It was so nice out I didn't want to come back.
Assistant #1: I think we should all get medals for making it back to work after lunch
Assistant #3: Or a straightjacket.
345 Park Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Male bank teller: I'm winning the Mega Millions tonight.
Female bank teller: I'm getting a brace for my leg.
Male teller: Screw that brace. When I win the Mega Millions we'll get you a new leg! We'll just cut that one off and I'll get you a prostate.
725 East Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
4PM Checking Off the To-do List
Co-worker #1: [Sneeze]
Co-worker #2: Bless you
Co-worker #1: Thank you. [Sneeze]
Co-worker #2: Bless you
Co-worker #1: Thank you. [Sneeze]
Co-worker #2: Stop that!
Co-worker #1: Thank you.
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Decaf Break
Implementation person: I usually don't get pregnant from moving into a new apartment.
Operations person: But that's the first step, though.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
10AM Comfort Room
Female co-worker: Oww, my ovaries are falling out.
Male co-worker: Do you want some glue?
720 Washington Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM Back to Work
Engineer: Don't make me laugh. It spreads germs.
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
9AM Back to Work
Boss: How come you're late?
Employee: I had a hard time deciding which eyeshadow looked best with blood shot eyes.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: I don't care if you threw up or not, I'm not canceling that dentist appointment...Well, take some Tums and go anyway. If you have to throw up again, throw up on them; who cares?
321 Norristown Road
Ambler, Pennsylvania
12PM Team Meeting
Co-worker #1: So how's your belly button?
Co-worker #2: Um...it's okay.
Co-worker #1: You know my dad's scar looks like he has 3 belly buttons.
Co-worker #2: Oh yeah? Well, my friend's isn't even in the right place. It's like way down here.
Intern #1: So it's like she has a extra vag?
Intern #2: This is like the weirdest thing I've heard at work.
600 Water Street SW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: ADS
4PM Ad Meeting
Copywriter: Wow, a list of fictional diseases. Hey, look at this: "Watson's disease."
Art Director: Is it an elementary disease?
Level 11, Menara IGB
Mid Valley City, Lingkaran Syed Putra
59200 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
4PM Performance Reviews Meeting
Exec: Hey [Nick], I've got a question for you.
Tax Manager: Yes?
Exec: I was thinking about you while I was in the shower this morning and--
Tax Manager: You probably shouldn't be thinking about me in the
shower [James]; you're a newly married man.
Exec: ...
123 Robert S. Kerr Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Boy, you look tired...
Project Manager: Yeah, it's been hectic. I need some of that geico balboa stuff.
Worker #1: Uh, ginko bilboa?
Project Manager: That's what I said.
Worker #1: No, you said "geico balboa".
Project Manager: What's the difference?
Worker #1: Well, Geico is an insurance company, and Balboa is Rocky the boxer's--as in the movie--last name.
Project Manager: Ha! I wonder if he gets a hard time for that.
Worker #1: He's not a real person. Besides, I think what you meant was you needed some ginseng. Do you know what ginko bilboa is for?
Worker #2: Okay, seriously, how long is this meeting going to be?
6700 Hollister Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Damien Sebastiani
4PM Smoke Break
Ad Design #1: I'm having trouble of sleeping and was thinking of getting Ambien.
Ad Design #2: You're too young to take sleeping pills. Have you tried crack?
151 West 34th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: [Millie], do you need any disinfectant wipes for your area?
Co-worker #2: Thanks, what are you trying to say?
21175 Olean Boulevard
Port Charlotte, Florida
3PM Smoke Break
PhD #1: So we need to find babies who's mothers smoked during their pregnancies.
PhD #2: What would be great is if we could find some pregnant women who smoke and monitor the fetus before, and a while after birth. But that's kinda illegal and unethical.
PhD #1: Yeah, we can't really encourage women to continue smoking while they're pregnant.
30 South 2000 East
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: whitney
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
12PM Send Out Packages
Designer: All right. V & S Courier will pick up those CDs this afternoon.
Writer: "V & S"? What is that, Venereal and Syphillis?
Designer: I think so. And like venereal and syphillis, they are always traveling back and forth. From customer to customer.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Call for an Ambulance
Boss: Did you see [Martha]'s eye?
Underling: No, why?
Boss: She's got pink eye.
Underling: Oh wow, that sucks.
Boss: I'm afraid.
Underling: Why?
Boss: [Martha] was looking at me all day.
Underling: What?
Boss: I can get pink eye if she looks at me, right?
Underling: I don't think pink eye is communicable via the act of looking.
8270 Greensboro Drive
McLean, Virginia
3PM Smoke Break
Banker: Yeah, he's losin' his eyesight...He can barely see now. He's got that immaculate degeneration or whatever it's called. But he still builds things with power tools. It's pretty amazing...but kinda scary.
200 Nationwide Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio
1PM Head Out for a Bite
Maniac: Come in, I won't bite anymore.
Worker: ...Won't bite...anymore?
Maniac: I usedta work at a veternarian. He usedta lock me up with the animals in a cage! When they'd bark, the only way to get them to stop was to bark at them. And bite them--on the ear!
708 Broadway elevator
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevin Davidson
9AM Back to Work
Marketing Manager: Hey, so welcome back! First day at work with your new boobs, huh?
Writer: No, it would appear the same old ones still work here.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: But the nice thing is, this way, you can get up from your desk for a while.
Worker #2: Yeah...I could really use some blood in my ass.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Looks like [Sara] broke her foot.
Co-worker #2: I think her footbones just buckled under the pressure.
1939 Dixie Highway
Fort Wright, Kentucky
3PM Smoke Break
Peon #1: Why is Laura gone already?
Peon #2: She had some medical stuff done today, I believe through the rectum, so she went home.
1441 West Long Lake Road
Troy, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: The pollen is so bad, this morning I coughed up a flower.
Worker #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
6355 MetroWest Boulevard
Orlando, Florida
1PM Lunch
Sales Manager: How am I supposed to give you the Heimlich if you have your door shut?
2176 Avenue C
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
4PM Group Meeting
Group Manager: Just to let you know, your boss went to go get his AIDS shot for his travel to India.
Co-worker: What I don't understand is, why don't we all get the AIDS shot?
Group Manager: Um, that was a joke.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: John Leffler
10AM Requisition a Broom
Exec: Who made a mess over here by the shredder?
Assistant: I was throwing confetti at myself.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Fix Cabinet
Attorney: Is this the drawer that's broken?
Co-worker: Yes. I've already told you how to fix it. I mean, it's not as serious as cancer.
Attorney: Thank you for that assessment.
1999 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
12PM Schedule Next Week's Meeting
Meeting Attendee #1: When's a good time to schedule the meeting with [Gary]?
Meeting Attendee #2: Well, he will be back from his heart attack next week.
2964 Peachtree Road NW
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM That's a Wrap
Security Guard: So I told her, "I'm 'bout to go over there & milk that goat. The baby's gotta have sum'inta eat."
9800 Kellner Road SW
Huntsville, Alabama
2PM Post-meeting
Worker #1: I can't believe [Jim] didn't show up for the meeting.
Worker #2: I know. He has some nerve.
Worker #1: I hope he gets a painful rash in the anal region...if you know what I mean.
245 5th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Marketer: So after sitting in her funky trailer for about 2 hours
listening to her talk about God, this lady was like, "Baby...I have been reading my Bible for 53 years...and I can tell you read your Bible, too..." So, I in my best Southern voice, said, "Yes, ma'am...I
read my Bible every day. I try to live my life according to the
Word." But, I was just bullshitting. I'm probably going to hell. I mean she is like 90 and lives in a single-wide behind her daughter who lives in a double-wide...She can't wipe her own ass...She's about to die...and I am lying about reading the Bible. But we had a patient pass yesterday and we need one to take his place. Gotta keep the bodies moving...gotta get that bonus. Y'know?
1441 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
2PM Conference Call
Manager: You could sit in my office since I am dialed in, but I just got over the crud so maybe that is not such a good idea. Why don;t you go down to the Alpha Room?...No, scratch that. Those guys went
to Taco Bueno for lunch and I am not sure that is such a good idea. Maybe you just better dial in from your office.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
1PM Lunch
Physical Therapist: How are you today?
Patient: No good.
Physical Therapist: That's too bad. Why not?
Patient: Because I would rather eat my own foot off than talk to you.
275 South 5th Avenue
Pocatello, Idaho
1PM Lunch
Finance: The pills the pharmacy gave me for my back looked funny. They were supposed to be oval and yellow but they are more long and white.
VP: So did you find out what the problem was?
Finance: Well, I called the pharmacy and they said that they had mistakenly given me anti-psychotics instead of my back medicine.
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Foreign Office Debriefing
Photographer: So there I am in my hotel room and there's hundreds of malaria mosquitos just flying around, and I'm thinking, "Well, isn't this great?"
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: You know, if this office were a reality show it would be called Derm'd If You Do And Derm'd If You Don't. I would go to the bathroom to bitch to the camera in the mirror about our shitty patients.
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Production Meeting
Project Manager: I'm working on Chronic Constipation and should be done with it later today. How is Ulcerative Colitis coming along?
Multimedia Developer: Good. Should have it for you tomorrow for review. What's up with Vaginal Discharge?
3339 Ward Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
10AM Finalize Contracts
Co-worker: This is absolutely draining. Now I have a headache and want to go home and cuddle up with my blanky.
6277 Sea Harbor Drive
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Nicole Pickering
1PM Lunch
Doctor #1: I always say, "Carrots are like sandpaper for the colon."
Doctor #2: Yeah, see, most people I know just eat them.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
10AM Call 911!
PVC worker: Hey [Neil], I don't mean to sound like a pussy, but I just cut my finger off.
1000 Eden Valley Road
Golconda, Nevada
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant #1: I want to stab my eyes out. Is that normal?
Assistant #2: Yes.
Assistant #1: Just wanted to make sure.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Pick Up Package
Worker #1: I'm expecting my new inbox today.
Worker #2: You're pregnant again?
Worker #1: ...
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
1PM Lunch
Intern #1: So are you lactose intolerant?
Intern #2: No, I'm not lactose intolerant, it just makes my throat close up.
304 Hudson Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.
8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, I keep getting the hiccups!
Co-worker #2: Try holding your breath for ten minutes.
2815 Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
11AM Call Building Maintenance
Assistant: If you want to see how dusty the floor is, just look at the heels on my shoes.
Project Manager: Oh, I thought you were telling me to look at your knees.
1100 West Anderson Court
Oak Creek, Wisconsin
5PM That's a Wrap
Architect #1: She's an artist.
Architect #2: No, she's crazy.
515 Canal Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Emma B
1PM Lunch
IT #1: She's a nut.
IT #2: Most people are.
IT #1: What kinda nut do you think we are?
IT #2: Cashews because we're unique and expensive.
IT #1: I guess we could be macadamians.
IT #2: Those are fatty.
30830 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Who are you talking to?
Co-worker #2: Myself.
Co-worker #1: Are you getting any answers?
100 Park Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Don't mail your boogers to people!
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I thought you were supposed to be at the doctor.
Worker #2: Look at me! I can't go in there! He'd put me on something for sure!
4182 Forsyth Road
Macon, Georgia
9AM Back to Work
Worker on cell: Sorry about that. I had a pencil in my hand and when I
put the phone to my head, I stabbed myself in the face.
1950 Summit Park Drive
Orlando, Florida
9AM TGIF
VP: Everyone's getting pregnant here.
Co-worker: By the way, I'm going to be pregnant and gay on Monday.
1850 Elm Hill Pike
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: V. Schipani
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, are your balls getting hot?
Co-worker #2: Quite.
Co-worker #1: I hear a hot laptop kills your sperm.
Co-worker #2: I'm all for it. I smoke the seeds, too.
1759 T Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Brendan B
1PM Lunch
Receptionist: I don't know whether to throw up my hands or just throw up.
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oldcorps50
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Wow, it smells really fruity in here...Fruity in a good way.
Co-worker #2: Of course.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: So your wife works as a nurse in the ER at that new fancy hospital?
Co-worker #2: Yep. Has been for 6 months.
Co-worker #1: Do they treat people who come in without insurance there?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, treat them like shit.
1620 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Back to Work
Sales: I am so cranky today. I must be getting my period.
Co-worker #1: Again? You just had it last week.
Sales: Yeah. The PMS starts every week Monday and ends on Friday.
Co-worker #2: That's not PMS, that's menopause.
11694 Lackland Road
St. Louis, Missouri
10AM File Referral
Banker #1: How do you file an old CD referral?
Banker #2: Well you submit it and cancel it and submit it and cancel it and repeat that 5 times, and then wash your hands...Oh, I thought you said OCD referral. Like obsessive-compul--
Banker #1: I get it.
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Teddy
3PM Smoke Break
Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM [Bryan] Out
Worker: [Bryan]'s sick today; he IMed me and said he needs one of us to come to his house and give him a sponge bath.
1831 Chestnut Street
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM Edit Reports
Co-worker #1: Hey, come in here for a sec!
Co-worker #2: Can it wait a second? I'm trying to finish this by lunch.
Co-worker #1: Never mind; it's just fart noises.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
3PM Bathroom Break
Clerk #1: My bladder hurts.
Clerk #2: What for?
Clerk #1: I was holding it all morning, and then I finally went, and now it's been hurting.
Clerk #2: You probably shouldn't do that. Your bladder can explode, you know.
49275 Electron Drive
San Diego, California
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Oh, I keep having these irrational dreams too. The other night I dreamt that I made this little mistake and it brought down like the entire company. And in the papers it said, "entire company went down because of this one stupid assistant!" And everyone knew my name and I couldn't get a job anywhere, so I have to move to Europe and marry a guy to get my visa. Then I was a product of domestic abuse because he knew I was co-dependent on him.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: So I said to myself, "Oh look, the bathrooms in building 12 have yellow tiles." Then I saw the urinals.
1110 American Parkway NE
Allentown, Pennsylvania
3PM Coffee Break
Worker #1: How are you feeling? Coming down with anything?
Worker #2: No, but it seems like everyone else is.
Worker #1: If you get sick, I'm a doctor so I can take care of you.
I've got a BS, a CS and a DD. That's a degree in Back Stabbing, Cork-Screwing, and Double-Dealing
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
12PM Test Phones
Shipping Manager: I can't hear anything on my phone whenever I make or receive a call. Can you check it out for me?
IT Director: Did you get your hearing checked?
4055 Casilio Parkway
Clarence, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What are you drinking? Oh, my daughter loves that stuff.
Co-worker #2: This is a Red Bull. Isn't your daughter only five?
Co-worker #1: Yes. My husband always gives it to her.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
2PM Client Meeting
Attorney: I heard [the client] was whiny.
Client in waiting room: I'm whiny because I'm sick and this is the first time I've left the house.
Attorney: Oh shit.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
9AM There They Go Again
Co-worker #1: Do you have a dog?
Co-worker #2: No, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone another dog.
2645 South Mojave Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Nurse: Is there a reason that there's a "no pregnant women" sign on that room? Because the patient in there is pregnant.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
1PM Lunch
Designer: So I took the dead cat by the tail and chucked it over the fence and I thought, "Man. If the people at work could only see what a bumpkin I am."
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker #1: has Crazy [Don] come to see you yet?
Co-worker #2: Yeah. The first two weeks I was here he came over to my desk every day.
Co-worker #1: Did he ever make eye contact?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: He's crazy.
Co-worker #2: At least he's not trying to molest me.
3600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Send Out Tuition Check
Housing: You need to sign this form that talks about the potential risks of lead paint.
Student: Lead paint? Could that be dangerous?
Housing: No.
Student: Really?
Housing: Well, I wouldn't lick the walls.
400 West 119th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: djlindee
5PM Enjoy the Weekend, Everyone
Boss: Have a great Christmas, everyone. I'm going to go see my new grandkid.
Secretary: Aw. You have a new grandchild? Is this the first time
you'll see it?
Boss: Yeah, they're delivering by C-section on Wednesday.
2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri
5PM Pick Up the Kid
At little boy spills his drink. The supervisor hands him a mop
Supervisor: Now go clean up the mess you made. This will teach you what you'll be doing when you grow up.
20410 Highway 46 W
Spring Branch, Texas
5PM I'm Sick of Work
Worker: Someone left puke in the toilet. I swear, bulimia should be illegal.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
9AM I Knew It Was Spiked with Something
Co-worker #1: So she is like, what, the second one pregnant?
Co-worker #2: Yes, you have to be careful drinking water around here.
Co-worker #1: Stop it! Stop it! Now I have to go take a pregnancy test!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Suit #1: Over on 49th, there's a truck parked with a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis. It's to promote Cancun.
Suit #2: For you it's to promote a heart attack.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Hey, tell them that story you were telling me the other day. The one about Burger King.
Co-worker #2: What story about Burger King?
Co-worker #1: You know...you were with your dad or your father-in-law...
Co-worker #2: The story where my father had a heart attack because of a Burger King sandwich?
Co-worker #1: ...Yeah.
Co-worker #2: That's the story.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM So...Drowsy...
Partner: Do you think the girls would mind if I popped an Ambien and went to sleep in their bathroom?
10 South Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Work on Hospital Marketing Campaign
Co-worker #1: Can I use the abbreviation RNA?
Co-worker #2: You mean, like the stuff in your blood?
Co-worker #3: What's the abbreviation for "the customer's a jerk"?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
1PM Run Errands
Receptionist: Argh! My arm is so itchy. I'm, like, allergic to work!
Co-worker: Stop scratching; you are making it worse! At lunch, go
and get an antihistamine to stop the swelling.
Receptionist: Antihistamine or antiinflammatory? I think it's
inflamed. What's the difference anyway?
Co-worker: Antihistamine is something that is not histamine, and
antiinflammatory is something that's not inflammatory.
Receptionist: So I'll ask the chemist?
25 Parramatta Road
Underwood, Queensland
Australia
2PM Review Candidates
District Supervisor: Wait, maybe I misunderstood him, but was he saying "Bachelor's Degree"?
Regional Manager: Actually, the words he used were "Bastard's Degree."
District Supervisor: Ha, ha! I thought so but I didn't think he could be that ignorant.
Regional Manager: Well, he is a retarded ex-con with personality disorders.
District Supervisor: Yeah, you're right.
3651 Cedarcrest Avenue
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Joshua Carpenter
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Thanks for the pretzels.
Worker #2: Oh, now the bag is dirty.
Worker #1: I'll have you know my hands are clean. I sit here at my desk and sanitize them all day.
Worker #3: You know, I can sanitize you. All women need to be sanitized.
9725 Datapoint Drive
San Antonio, Texas
9AM There's a Morning Wake-up
Employee: What are you doing? Are you okay?
PR Manager: Ugh...Stretching. I slipped on the subway this morning.
Employee: Oh, it looks like you're trying to...never mind.
11 Hanover Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Coffee Run
Co-worker #1: I'm getting restless. I feel like I wanna go running or something.
Co-worker #2: It's awful cold out there.
Co-worker #1: Well, plus, I'm wearing a suit, huh?
Co-worker #2: Ever see that movie Falling Down?
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Pitch Meeting
Middle Manager: He wanted to talk about organic augmentation.
Boss: Did you tell him yours was large enough to be one?
2076 South Street
Quantico, Virginia
1PM Lunch in Cafeteria
Employee: No one comes here anymore, it's too crowded.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
1PM Lunch
HR #1: She said she's going to be on it for life! What kind of doctor gives you Valium for life?
Accountant: A good one!
HR #1: And what doctor would mix Valium, Vicodin, and Demerol?
HR #2: What's this doctor's name, again?
1776 Main Street
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: ribbon
9AM Where's My Tums...
Co-worker: She said I was giving her an ulcer...But I don't even have ulcers!
1127 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done
Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Matty K
4PM Sensitivity Seminar
VP: Are you pregnant?
Worker #1: No!
VP: I'm just asking because it seems like you get pregnant every two months.
Worker #2: Hey! You can't ask people if they are pregnant!
VP: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
3PM Coffee Break
EA: ...she's still learning to change a diaper and all that.
Suit: Really?
EA: Yeah, but it's been extra hard emotionally because our family is really strict and my dad still can't admit to himself that this happened. All he's said is, "I sent you to private school! Don't they have sex ed there?" and "How could this happen?" Which doesn't help her at all.
Suit: No, probably not.
EA: It's like, "Dad, the baby is already here, get a grip." But, well, she's the baby of the family and I guess we all know how fathers are.
Suit: No, actually, I don't. I never met mine.
40 IDX Drive
South Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Bubble Wrap THIS
1PM Lunch
Partner: Tell me something. Does anyone around here care about me at all? I mean if I were to drop dead right here and now in the middle of the floor would just leave me lying there or at least push me into a dark corner?
Receptionist: I'm sure I could manage a little bit better than that.
Partner: Well, thank you. At least someone cares.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I don't understand why she had to take her birthday off. I mean, if it's just your birthday and you're not doing anything special, what's the point?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I'd only take the day off if it was my birthday and I had cancer.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
3PM Rachel's Birthday Thing
Boss: Those cupcakes are delicious. What a sugar rush!
Intern: I broke out in hives.
Boss: In hives?
Intern: A rash. My skin is very sensitive.
Boss: To sugar?
Intern: Yup.
Boss: That's amazing.
Intern: When I was a kid I got sick and I had to have, like, ten X-rays a day. Literally, five X-rays a day. And I think that messed up my photons.
Boss: Your photons?
Intern: Yeah, that's how X-rays work, you know? They reverse your photons. That's how they get the image.
Boss: Oh.
Intern: That's why my skin is so sensitive, because they messed up the photons. They won't admit it, because they don't want me to sue them. But I know what's up.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
9AM Came In Early But I'm Staying Late
Manager: ...can you work a couple extra hours? [Nick]'s not coming in again.
Cook #1: Sure. Why ain't he coming in this time?
Manager: He's in the hospital.
Cook #2: Hospital? You can't get crack at a hospital.
Manager: Why does he keep going there, then?
33703 Woodward Avenue
Birmingham, Michigan
11AM Call Maintenance...Again
Co-worker #1: It's so dry in here, I can feel the skin on my face drying up from the inside out.
Co-worker #2: Do you use moisturizer?
Co-worker #1: Oh yes, if I didn't my face would look just like my grandpa's...and he's been dead for seven years.
1301 West Chestnut Street
Virginia, Minnesota
10AM Paul Out Through Monday
Co-worker on phone: Oh, man...Yeah, if you have HIV, you should definately stay home...Okay, see ya Monday.
Co-worker #2: So who has the HIV?
Co-worker #1: Oh, [Paul]'s got the flu and strep or something.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
1PM Run Out and Get Prescription Filled
Pharmacist #1: Wow, this chair is really great! Whose chair is this?
Pharmacist #2: It belongs to [Dana]. Isn't it great? He got it for his back or something.
[Dana]: You have no idea how many people I had to sleep with to get that chair!
800 28th Street E
Minneapolis, Minnesota
12PM Quarterly Review
Co-worker #1: Hey, Tex.
Co-worker #2: Why are you calling me Tex?
Co-worker #1: You are walking funny, like a Texan.
Co-worker #2: Oh yeah, my knees are sore.
Co-worker #1: Is it quarterly review time already?
80 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: He has a groin pull so he's asking for pain pills .
Worker #2: He told me he hurt his leg.
Consultant: Yeah, my third leg. I'm a tripod.
Worker #1: A tripod wouldn't have hurt himself playing basketball with a 50 or under league.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Regina C
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Remember [Joann] at [Segal]?
Co-worker #2: The one that looks like a man?
Co-worker #1: Yep. Well, she's found that sperm donor she's been looking for.
721 Emerson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
9AM What a Cheerful Morning
Co-worker #1: Hey! Welcome back. I can't believe you have mono!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, [Tamra] wants to make out with you so she can lose 50 pounds.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephani
11AM Schedule Conference Room for Next Week
Worker Bee: How many people do we have signed up so far?
Middle Manager: So far as have 35 RSTDs.
Worker Bee: Hmm, we should really stock up on more antibiotics.
1155 East 60th Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: eazy_e
4PM I Declare Today Over
Co-worker #1: Isn't it true that a tick can get into your ear and work its way into your brain?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: I'm worried that a tick or some kind of bug has worked its way into my brain...I've had an awful earache for about two weeks now.
3 Berkshire Boulevard
Bethel, Connecticut
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR: Sir? Sir, are you there?
Customer: Oh, I dozed off! Sorry I do that sometimes.
Later in the call...
CSR: Is that okay, sir?...Sir, are you still there?...Sir? did you fall asleep again? Sir?
Customer: Why would you ask me if I fell asleep?
5767 West Sunrise Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: cubiclejunky
9AM Just One More Day
Co-worker: I slept like a crack baby last night.
1 California Street
San Francisco, Califrornia
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: Back in the 90s I wanted to be in a Salt 'n Pepa video. I was in shape back then. You could bounce a quarter off my ass.
Manager #2: Was that a quarter or a quarter pounder with cheese?
4235 South Stream Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sanman
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Doctor: Did you put the drugs in the drug room?
Nurse: No! I can't find where they are supposed to go. Every time I try and find the drugs in that room I want to kill somebody!
Doctor: Please don't. We shouldn't be killing any more patients anyway.
250 West Bridge Street
Dublin, Ohio
1PM Unpack Things
Co-worker #1: Are the movers coming?
Co-worker #2: You might want to shut down your computer and gather you things so they can bring in your desk.
Co-worker #1: What time will they be here?
Co-worker #2: Noon. So you've got some time.
Co-worker #1: It's 12:45!
Co-worker #2: Oh my gosh! I've got to start wearing a watch.
Co-worker #1: Why don't you?
Co-worker #2: They give me rashes.
5203 Leesburg Pike
Falls Church, Virginia
10AM Update Insurance Data
Co-worker on phone: I just called to see if you were still pregnant.
30 South 17th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Grab a Cup
Boss: Oh good morning, would you like some coffee?
Building Manager: Oh, I don't think so.
Boss: Oh, have some.
Building Manager: No, thanks. It'll just make me perspire. I had a cup and a half before I left for work this morning and my makeup slid right off my face.
3040 M Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Chris
4PM Another Day Draws to a Close
Co-worker #1: Okay guys, I'll see you next week. I'm heading off to Tennessee to see relatives.
Co-worker #2: Well, don't hook up with anybody.
456 North Kimball Place
Boise, Idaho
4PM Let's Call It a Day
Receptionist on phone: Of course I'm tired. I sit here for nine hours a day with no work to do. That's gonna tire me out!
601 West 26th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Ty!
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: There's so much free food in this office!
Co-worker #2: At least we're young and not obese.
Co-worker #1: Seriously...when you turn 45 and you're working for the State, they should just pay for your gastric bypass surgery.
The Capitol Building
400 South Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: Kara M.
4PM On That Note, It's the Weekend
Co-worker #1: What is a good exercise for the lower abs?
Co-worker #2: Well, I can think of one exercise that's really good for the abs...
Co-worker #3: yeah, but only if he can last longer than 5 minutes.
The copy repairman pops out from under the copier.
Repairman: Well ladies, it's been an entertaining afternoon.
8565 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway
Portland, Oregon
3PM Take a Walk
Office girl: No one go in the ladies' room. The Bathroom Bomber strikes again.
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, NY
Overheard by: miss earwell
12PM Call Building Maintenance
Coordinator: Is it like really hot in here, or am I having early menopause?
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
New hire: Lord, I am not drinking any of this company's water. There are entirely too many pregnant people here.
9106 E. Panorama Circle
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Homer Thompson
10AM Order Supplies
Co-worker: Does anyone have a tissue?
Boss: I have a notepad.
1600 Technology Way
Latrobe, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Look at all that food you have there.
Employee #2: It's going to give me a heart attack, but I love it; especially all the greasy bacon and sausage.
Employee #3: I wish I knew someone who knows CPR in case you have a coronary.
Employee #2: [Sean] and [Gina] are medics, they should know CPR.
Employee #1: What do they know about CPR? They are ambulance drivers.
2727 Walker Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
4PM This Day is So Over
Hospital worker #1: Oh my God! Did you see those warts?
Hospital worker #2: No, I missed them.
Hospital worker #1: How could you miss them? Weren't you holding the labia?
Hospital worker #2: No, that wasn't me.
Hospital worker #1: Are you sure? I thought that was you.
Hospital Worker #2: No, I wasn't holding any labia today.
100 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
2PM Order Supplies
Worker #1: We're out of toilet paper.
Worker #2: The supply closet is empty.
Worker #1: I think they're stuffing their vaginal canals with it to smuggle some home.
215 South Country Road
Bellport, New York
12PM Networking Workshop
Boss: Well, apparently he has a girlfriend who may be going through cancer treatments. But you can still be friends with him, it's good to have connections.
Secretary: What? No! I don't need any more friends. She has cancer? God, I can't compete with that, forget it.
321 Walnut Street
Green Cove Springs, Florida
4PM Pick Up New Laptop
Manager: I'm going to be turning in my old laptop for a new one. I want to get another IBM, one of the ultralight ones.
Techie: We're not leasing IBMs anymore. We're currently leasing HPs and Dells.
Manager: I don't like the HPs and I really want an IBM. How can I get one?
Techie: Well...you would need to provide us with a medical reason and a doctor's note.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
2PM Tell Admin to Order Gingko Biloba
Boss: Maybe I'm suffering from a case of magnesia...uh, uh, you know, like I forget things.
75 Union Avenue
Rutherford, New Jersey
3PM Coffee Break
Maintenance guy: How many nervous breakdowns are we allowed to have in a year?
Office Manager: Excuse me?
Maintenance guy: I don't know if we are supposed to stay within a goal.
5825 Chimney Rock Road
Houston, Texas
2PM Meeting
Boss: So, tell me about this guy we are doing business with today.
Assistant: Well, he is like [Adam], but with a bath and good shave.
Boss: Okay, good to know.
900 S. Shackleford Road
Little Rock, Arkansas
9AM Here We Go Again
Medical claims analyst: Have I ever shown you the x-ray of my head?
1009 Windcross Court
Franklin, Tennessee
11AM Cancel Doctor's Appt.
Mental Health Advisor: He's crazy. He's gone off his meds because he thinks the doctors are trying to shrink his penis.
240 Calhoun Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: Every time I board an airplane nowadays, I look around and figure out who I'm going to eat if we crash.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM I'm Going Home
Co-worker: Ugh...
Manager: What's the matter?
Co-worker: Nothing, I just couldn't see the screen.
Manager: Oh. Was everything flesh colored and blurry? That's from putting your hand in front of your face.
1390 Timberlake Manor Parkway
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Durp
1PM Lunch
Butcher #1: What does that bacon look like to you
Butcher #2: An abortion?
Butcher #1: Exactly. So fix it!
1177 W. Market Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Nate Kelly
11AM Check Out the General Air System
Guy #1: Man it stinks in here.
Guy #2: HR should offer training in the courtesy flush.
12545 Riata Vista Circle
Austin, Texas
10AM Check Out the Lobby
A co-worker steps out of the elevator into the reception lobby.
Co-worker #1: Ew, it smells like a nursing home in here.
5 minutes pass.
Co-worker #2: Mmm, it smells good in here.
55 Southbank Boulevard
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Emily Hopkins
3PM Sensitivity Training
Office Manager: There's a time and a place for shoulder massages and it's not here and now.
Employee: It's not a massage. I was rubbing my hands up her.
Aldine House, New Bailey Street
Salford, Manchester
UK
9AM I Can't Deal With These People
Employee #1: What shavers do you use?
Employee #2: I use #1 on the face and #2 on my head
Employee #3: You take #1 to the face and #2 on the head?
251 Consumers Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM Thank God the Weekend's Finally Here
Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, "the Parthenon?"
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's it! Aw man, today I've got...what's that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No...oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?
216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
10AM A Stem Cell Smoothie Ought to Do the Trick
Supervisor: Here's the information about Alzheimer's to include in the news release I was telling you about.
Employee #1: I don't know anything about this release.
Supervisor: Oh? Oh no? Then who was I talking to about it?
Employee #2: Hey, it's ironic that you don't remember who you were talking to about the Alzheimer's information.
Supervisor: Oh, ha, ha, ha! Yes!...So, you can just use this information for the release.
Employee #1: Okay, but I still don't know what you're talking about.
Supervisor: Hmm...Hey, isn't it ironic that I don't remember who I was talking to about an Alzheimer's release?
161 Ottawa Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Beth Marie
7AM Then You'd Need to Raise Money for Broken Hips
Girl #1: Hey, do you want to do the Ann Landers 5k with me?
Girl #2: Ann Landers has her own 5k?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's to raise money for whatever she died of.
Girl #2: I thought she just died of being old. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a 5k to raise money to prevent old?
835 N. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM "...Want to see the vine I grew?"
Account Exec: ...I stopped by this morning to go over stuff from the call but you were out. Were you at [the client]'s?
VP: No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I just ate way too many grapes this morning.
555 Sparkman Drive NW
Huntsville, Alabama
5PM Rarely is the Correlation So Explicit
Plant Manager: Thanks. That really takes a load off my ass. I've had a headache all day.
2nd Avenue S
Birmingham, Alabama
10AM They Must Work at Another Law Firm
Boss: The funniest thing just happened. I've had a banana in my bag for like a month. When I opened my bag a whole bunch of gnats flew out!
Underling: Is that why there are flys all over our windowless office?
Boss: No.
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM God Loves an Optimist
Employee on phone: Hold on, I'm having a heart attack. I'll call you back.
213 NE 2nd Avenue
Miami, Florida
5AM Getting Ahead Through Trepanation
Secretary: Your forehead is looking good today.
Boss: Yeah, the hole is still there but at least the scab is gone.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
12AM Milk is Always Better From the Tap
General Manager: Let's not forget that this week is World Breastfeeding Week.
34705 W 12 Mile Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Rebecca L Jones
9PM I Just Want to Know What a Tannoy Is
Tannoy: A pair of glasses has been found in the car park. If you have lost a pair, please come and pick them up from reception...if you can find the way.
Thames House
Thames Road, Crayford
England
5PM Don't Ask Him Why His Cell is Off
User: If you don't turn my cell phone back on today, I'll tell the families of my patients and their lawyers that you are responsible for the patient's death, because I couldn't be reached!
Call center operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician...
310 W. Bakerview Road
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Josh Sinnett
7AM I Can Hear the Awkward Silence from Here
Worker: [Jeff] didn't come in because he has pneumonia. We went to the hospital yesterday.
Manager: Ever since you and [Jeff] started dating he's begun falling apart. Now he's got pneumonia. That's what drugs will do to you; lower your immune system.
Worker: That couldn't have been it...It's been 2 weeks since we've taken ecstacy.
7350 S. Tamiami Trail
Sarasota, Florida
12AM That's About As Funny As I'd Expect a CEO to Get
VP: It's not working. I can't get it up. I can't get it up.
CEO: They make a pill for that now, you know.
28 Crescent Street
Middletown, Connecticut
1PM You Had to Axe?
Supervisor: I smelled bad today so I sprayed myself with a lot of deodorant.
Co-worker: You know what we call doing that back home?
Supervisor: Normal?
3350 Pine Avenue
Long Beach, California
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Too Much Speed Makes You Want to Get to Work
Worker: I need to go home, I think I have caffeine poisoning.
Boss: Caffeine poisoning?
Worker: Yeah, I think the coffee made me sick.
Boss: Is it like being on too much speed?
810 Dominican Drive
Nashville, Tennessee
7AM Is It the Morning After Already?
Employee #1: Oh...I think I peed a little! I have to go check. Be right back.
Employee #2: ...So how did your pee test go?
Employee #1: No, I didn't pee. Maybe it was just discharge.
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
12AM Think of His Lungs Like Giant Beakers
Technician: Man, I gotta go grab a smoke. I've been upstairs mixing chemo for hours!
427 Victor Street
Lincolnton, North Carolina
Overheard by: Suzette Truesdell
10PM What Health Care Crisis?
Employee: How long do I have to work here before I receive health
insurance?
Boss: Oh...Um...We don't do that here. I know some hospitals that
won't report you to the credit bureaus, though.
1101 Robin Hill Lane
Bel Air, Maryland
9AM In a Way, It Wasn't Sarcasm
Woman with bandaged finger: Ever since I cut my finger, it's been so difficult doing stuff...typing, getting dressed, eating...
Woman with missing hand: I can't even imagine.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM It's the Official CEO Motto
CEO: A man in my position has a high tolerance for other people's pain.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
4PM That Doesn't Explain the Current Promiscuity
Woman: If I was in the army and was sent to war, you'd better believe
that I'd get pregnant as fast as I could so they would send me home.
475 Buckhead Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia
6AM Dude, Go for the Implants
Income auditor guy: I want to buy my fiance a gift like make-up.
Income auditor gal: Cool, how much you set for it?
Income auditor guy: 30 Egyptian pounds.
Income auditor gal: You could buy a blusher with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well then, how about cheap make-up?
Income auditor gal: You can't buy anything with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well how much do you think I need?
Income auditor gal: About 500 EGP to buy her one of those cute boxes that's full of make-up and perfumes.
Income auditor guy: With 500 EGP, I could send her to a plastic surgeon and get change.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
12AM I Have the List Right Here
Distracted doctor: What did you say you inserted into her vagina?
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
6PM Same Time Zone, Way Different Area Code
Employee: I just flew in from Spain yesterday, I'm totally jetlagged.
Department head: Spain? Is that in a different time zone?
4220 N. St. Louis Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM My Job is Interfering with My Binge Drinking
Woman supervisor: So the manager called and asked me if I could open today.
Man supervisor: Yeah, me too. I was supposed to close tonight.
Woman supervisor: I told him I had some very important things to do this morning. Mostly it was getting over my hangover, 'cause I was gonna get fucking drunk last night.
Man supervisor: Sounds like a legit excuse to me.
Woman supervisor: Don't worry, you can get drunk tonight.
8341 NW Roanridge Road
Kansas City, Missouri
6AM With Magical Skills Like That, They Should be CEO
Office Manager: I have to leave to go to physical therapy. I'm not sure how long it will take but I'll definitely be back before I leave.
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
6PM The Scouts Were Always Out & Flaming
Receptionist: Were you here on Tuesday? The smell was awful.
Worker Bee: I kind of liked it, it reminds me of my days as a firefighter.
Receptionist: I didn't know you're a fireman?!
Worker Bee: Well, it was in Boy Scout camp...a long time ago.
810 Seventh Ave
12AM Who to Call: the HMO or HR?
Office dude: Ow! Son of a..!
Office chick: Oh, are you OK?
Office dude: I just banged my penis on the desk.
395 Hudson Street
New York, NY
12PM Not Quite What George Lucas Had in Mind
Office guy: As I told him, it's not the speed of the train that matters when a train hits you, it's the force. They tried to do CPR and their hands just disappeared into his chest...
515 7th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Rosskel
6AM Diversity: Celebrating One Another's Differences
OB/Gyn receptionist: No, I swear, they all walk funny. All of 'em! I think it's because of the foot binding.
170 W. 12th Street
New York, NY
12PM The Sweeeet Taste of Malnutrition
Very tan woman: I'm going to pass out at this charity event. I don't know where my lunch went.
Annoyed woman: What did you eat?
Very tan woman: A Cadbury's creme egg and two sugar cookies.
1 New York Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Preetham Mallikaruna
12PM "Talk Dirty to Me" Said Her Boss
Secretary on phone: I don't feel well...I don't have to poop...I'm not going to throw up either.
3900 Bay City Road
Midland, Michigan
4PM It's Not Like They Need Volunteers, Guys
Co-worker #1: Hey guys, there's a comedy show next week to benefit breast research.
Co-worker #2: Breast research?!
Co-workers #3 & #4: Breast research?
Co-worker #1: sorry, I meant breast cancer research.
Co-worker #2: That's totally different!
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
4PM A Random (House) Overheard
Woman: ...and the doctor was like, "I've never seen so much wax in one ear before!", and I was like, "Can we just get on with this already? I'm on vacation in Hawaii!".
1745 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM That Isn't Right, Idiot
Guy: I just don't think it's right that they killed [Terry Schiavo]just because she had a disability.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Let's Hope It's Downers
Worker: I will bring the estimate in to you once I have taken my medication! Geez!
830 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Has Someone Alerted 60 Minutes?
Genius: Sometimes the staples are just hanging there, and someone could get hurt.
68 Marginal Way
Portland, Maine
8AM Hangnail? I'll Get the Defibrillator
Employee #1: I've got the sniffles. Do you have any medicine?
Employee #2: Here, take this. It's got Omega-3 fatty acid to prevent heart disease.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM "Fortunately, I managed to rightsize the baby in time."
Supervisor: Trust me. I'll take care of it.
Employee: The last time I heard that line I ended up pregnant.
631 Dickinson Avenue
Greenville, North Carolina
12AM Does It Come With a Buzz?
Building Engineer: A freon leak won't kill you. It'll just asphyxiate you a little.
2100 Second Street, SW
Washington, DC
12AM My Father's Father is a Lesbian
Two maintenance guys arrive to vacuum a cubicle after part of the ceiling fell.
Maintenance guy, 40s: See, he's what you'd call a male chauvinist pig. He thinks vacuuming is something that a woman should do. Now, I don't look like no woman.
Maintenance guy, 20s: No, but you look like a dyke.
Maintenance guy, 40s: I look like a dyke?
Maintenance guy, 20s: Easy, Grandpa, easy!
Maintenance guy, 40s: Oh, I'm Grandpa now?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM There's No "U" in Team Either
Coworker #1: My palms are sweaty. What do you think that means?
Coworker #2: It means you're annoyed.
Coworker #1: Really?
Coworker #2: No, I guess I was just projecting.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM "No, but I know that you're full of shit!"
A memo went out stating the upstairs bathrooms will be shut down for one week to redo the walls, sinks and plumbing. An executive tries to barge in anyway.
Union guy: You can't go in there.
Executive: Don't you know who I am?
450 W. 33rd Street
New York, NY
12AM Over-hurt in the Office
Receptionist: Doc, there is no code for abnormal ejaculation. I looked under Abnormal & under Ejaculation. Nuthin'.
Doctor: Gimme the book.
Receptionist: What's his problem? Minute man?
Doctor: Check under "retrograde".
Receptionist: What does that mean? Too fast?
Doctor: Broken. He doesn't ejaculate at all. Can't.
838 Pelhamdale Ave
New Rochelle, NY
Overheard by: Lucky
8AM Father of the Year
Investment Banker (on phone): What? Are you sure? I really don't think you are in labor and I have plans...What that means is that I really want to recruit this guy and I am going to continue having drinks with him. Call me in two hours...No, I am not going to meet you at the hospital. These things take forever...I'll be there when it's Go time, not until then.
9 West 57th Street
New York, NY
4PM "By 'worked out', I meant 'snorted Twinkies'."
Sales guy: When I was in Princeton [NJ], I worked out every day and I still gained 7 pounds.
Engineer: I gained seven pounds and I didn't work out at all.
Sales guy: That's why you're an engineer!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
