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1PM When the Inner Monologue Becomes the Outer, Grasshopper, It Is Time to Leave the Theater
Ticket taker to patrons: Enjoy the movie! Theater ten is on the left. Enjoy your movie! [In exasperation, at same volume] I really, really hate this job!
Mississippi
Overheard by: Amused Movie Goer
9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You
Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.
132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM My Hurt Feelings Collection Is Festering Nicely Today
Coworker #1: I can't believe the three of them just strolled right past my cubicle, and Karen* did not ask us if we wanted to go to lunch with them!
Coworker #2: She is so rude! You ready?
Coworker #1: Yeah, I'm starving.
Shier Rings Road
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Invisible Girl
2PM Aric Is in Henry's Today
Female worker: Hey, stay out of my pants!
Guy folding jeans: Uh, these are Aric's*!
Clothing store, Fairfield Commons Mall
Dayton, Ohio
2PM If You Steal Other People's Staplers, You Deserve at Least a Coma
Office guy: I mean, I wouldn't wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died... I'd be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die--
Office guy: --It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM Can't We Ever Discuss Religion or Politics?
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don't like talking about MySpace! ... Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Nebraska?
Fashionista: We live in the dumbest world on the planet.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Lime Green Stretch Pants
Male employee to female employee: It's like you're stuck in a really bad version of The Devil Wears Prada, except this time the devil wears Lane Bryant stretch pants...
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: At Least I Wear H&M...
12PM But All It Said Was "Please Remember to Recycle"
Female sales exec: Did you get that e-mail I sent you?
Male sales exec: Yeah.
Female sales exec: What'd you think?
Male sales exec: I'd give it a 90 percent.
Female sales exec: What made you take 10 off?
Male sales exec: It didn't say anything about Jesus being the savior. I mean, that's why we celebrate Christmas. You can't have Christmas without Easter.
Female sales exec: Oh.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: So I can't call it Xmas?
11AM The Dirty Little Secret of American Musical Theater
Lady peon #1: Man. I gave my mom her Christmas gift last night -- you know, that DVD I got her yesterday -- Rent.
Lady peon #2: Yeah.
Lady peon #1: Then I had to sit through two hours of that shit.
Lady peon #2: Is it that bad?
Lady peon #1: Nah, it ain't that bad. It's just all that damn singing...
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jake
11AM It's Like She Won't Even Make an Effort to Be Normal
Woman peon, going to holiday party: So, did you RSVP to this, or just talk to Sandy*?
Bimbette peon: I RSVP-ed -- it's so rude not to. I have a friend who I always invite out, and she never comes.
Woman peon: I hate one-sided friendships.
Bimbette peon: Yeah, I mean, she has MS, but she's always using it as an excuse not to go out. I leave her phone messages, and her husband will call me back and say that she can't go out because her MS is bad. I mean, come on!
Woman peon: That's terrible. How long has she had it?
Bimbette peon: Since I've known her... So, 1995. But, I mean, can't you take a pill for something like that and be okay for a while? The least she could do is return a phone call.
8521 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Lindsay
12PM Time to Stop Having Dinner at Mel Gibson's House
Jewish manager: I got your e-mail about XYZ Spring Company* not being able to make that spring.
Office girl: Yeah, those dirty-- Ugh!
Jewish manager: It's okay, it's okay!
Office girl: They just keep quoting stuff, and when I give them an order they decide they can't do it because they are little pieces--! Ugh! Never mind!
Jewish manager: Are you okay?
Office girl: Yeah... I'm just trying to be Christian today.
Jewish manager: ... Good for you. [Walks away.]
Office girl, from a distance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I'm fired now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM ... Speaking of Crap.
20-ish woman peon #1: So, I started my cleanse this week--
20-ish woman peon #2: --Wait, are we talking about poop again? Why are we always talking about poop? Aren't we a little young for this? [Others stare blankly.] Well, I am strangely comfortable with it. [Others keep staring, so #2 leaves, griping] I hate Oprah.
44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ...
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair
Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?
810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
1PM For the Last Time, Attending to Your Cuticles Isn't Your "Job"
Receptionist: Ugh! I don't understand how I can do my job when the phone keeps ringing!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: doing her job
12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes
Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.
3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas
3PM It's More Humane to Act Like a Jerk Until They Break Up with Me
Dispatcher, deciding whether to continue an affair: I'm not very good at, like, breaking hearts, y'know?
Seattle, Washington
1PM As It States Clearly on My Medical Alert Bracelet
Lab tech, during fire evacuation: Paul*, get out of the shade. It's not in the safety zone.
Paul: But I'm fat. I can't stand in the sun.
650 Cathill Road
Sellersville, Pennsylvania
9AM Buddha: There Is a Way, but You Won't Like It
Frustrated coworker: This karma thing has got to stop!
Husargatan 3 Uppsala
Sweden
12PM Only If You Give a Shit
QA guy #1: So, there's a bunch of shit going down with the shit. I was going to try and finish that shit, but then all of this shit came up. Can't they get the shit to work? I mean, get your fucking shit together. You know what I mean?
QA guy #2: I do. I totally do, man. It's worrisome.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
10AM Chewbacca's Agent Finally Snaps
Worker bee: Your poor interpersonal communication skills are not my fault. They are my problem, because I have to deal with you, but they are not my fault.
519 Westport Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: DeadEyeDusty
1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM I'm Like, "What Are You Doing, Mom?"
Worker #1: Every time I kiss her, she tries to stick her tongue in my mouth.
Worker #2: What's wrong with that?
Worker #1: I just don't think it's appropriate. She is married, after all.
Seattle, Washington
1PM The Dress Code Still Requires Pasties on Casual Friday
Accounts receivable lady: I don't mean to be rude, but could one of you unhook my bra? I've about had it with this stupid thing! [Order entry woman unhooks lady's bra, and lady takes her bra off to swing around in air while keeping her shirt on.] Freedom! Freedom at last!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: never a dull moment
12PM Now, for Your Homework, Copy Page 49 of the Textbook
Biology professor: You can't just come up with your own hypotheses!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description
Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.
498 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I care
1PM Oh Noz!
Cashier #1: What do you think of, you know, when people stick random Zs into words? Like, 'For shizzle, my nizzle'?
Cashier #2: Man, I hate it when people do that. They sound like they ain't got no speech.
8700 East 63rd Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Jedusor
12PM These Are the Options?
Office dude: Some of the guys here are so blatant when they stare at and talk about cute girls that work here. I think it's demeaning.
Office chick: Yeah, but I would rather be sexually harassed for being attractive than have guys call me 'ugly.' Wow... I just set the feminist movement back, like, 50 years.
Seattle, Washington
10AM Um, Was That on the Table?
Annoyed executive: I wouldn't piss in his mouth if it was a urinal!
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
2PM When Cats Are Forced to Live in Suburban New Jersey
Cube dweller on phone: Stupid, beer-drinking cat.
Bedminster, New Jersey
12PM Kind of a Toxic Waste of Everybody's Time
Reporter: I can't get away from effin' Bernie Smith*. Every time the man farts, the attorney general calls me!
Newsroom
Ocean County, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
10AM ... Without Being Shot
IT guy: I feel for teachers, because it's not like the good old days when you could take kids under the stairwell and pummel them.
Bush Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: just trying to finish the day
3PM Or Maybe Like Epcot without Them
Grunt: I don't like Vegas. Actually, I liked Vegas when the mob ran it. Now it's like Disneyland with hookers.
402 Watertower Circle
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: Bastian
11AM I Set My Expectations Low, and I Still Got Burned
Coworker, after snow predicted night before: So, I want to know what happened to the one to three inches I was promised.
Portland, Oregon
12PM Hey, I Know Where It's Been
Temp girl: You'll go on a date and sleep with random guys, but you won't touch my nose?!
Watertown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: disgruntled
2PM Clears That Cancer Right Up
Nurse: People just keep calling me and calling me about getting pain pills called in. They just need to be a little sauced up -- then they'd be fine!
14100 Parkway Commons Drive
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
12PM Stupid Airport Security
Grunt: It's a sad day when you can't bite someone.
1056 Home Avenue
Akron, Ohio
5PM It's Been a Full Day All Around
Office grunt slamming down phone: I get an empty meal slot filled and you jizz all over me!
Columbus Circle
New York, New York
Overheard by: Standing Aside
3PM Office Decorum Can Be a Sticky Issue
Supervisor: Did you happen to locate that file while I was away this week?
Employee: No. I'm not comfortable rooting through your drawers. I feel like I am up to something.
Supervisor: Uhhh...
100 Cushman Street
Fairbanks, Arkansas
Overheard by: quiet one
1PM Maintenance? Yeah, Hurry -- Her Coolant Is Leaking
Preggers coworker: Call maintenance and tell them to get the air conditioning fixed! You tell them I'm pregnant and I'm in heat up here!
Front Road
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Neil Davall
2PM Oh, Okay -- Didn't Know It Was That Kind of Shower
Lady on phone: He's going to the baby shower? Holy shit. I know he's gay, but he has a penis.
825 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tami D'Intern
4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player
Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?
Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Be Warned, Dear Reader, There Is a Cumming, Georgia
Secretary: Oh, come on. You can do more than you can do.
Boss: I try... It just won't work.
Cumming, Georgia
9AM Why All Service Industries Should Have Customer Ejector Buttons
Creepster customer: You working hard?
Cute cashier: Yes, sir!
Creepster customer: Well, if you follow me out back, I could find a few ways to work you harder.
Cute cashier: No, thank you, sir.
Creepster customer: Alright, cutie, don't say I never tried to give you anything [pays and leaves].
Cute cashier, dropping the perky act: What a fucking asshole! I hope his dick get an infection and falls off. [New customer walks up, and cute cashier resumes perky act] How are you doing?!
Grocery store
Farmville, North Carolina
5PM Amnesty International Says That's Torture, You Know
Employee: Nah, if he asks me for a ride, I ain't giving it to him. I mean, maybe I will and then I'll turn the radio to the Christian station and blast it and say, 'I'm sorry! It's my vehicle!'
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: The Temp
4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!
Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.
Portland, Oregon
4PM Call Me "Bitch" or Nothing at All
Timid 20-year-old: Excuse me, ma'am...
Sassy 30-year-old: I know you didn't just 'Ma'am' me!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
4PM And All Its Dancing Queens
Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.
Hillsboro, Texas
Overheard by: Purchasing Slave
3PM Last Time You Killed a Photo Booth Chick, You Had to Serve Six Whole Months of a Life Sentence
Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am, but these photos are professional. There's no way I could let you print these without a release form.
Customer, angry: If I didn't just get out of prison, I would through such a fit!
Mother: Just calm down and walk away.
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk
Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Or That Some of Them Involved Donkeys
Cube rat on cell: So, I'm really annoyed because TJ* keeps ordering movies on the TV, and I told him he's going to have to pay for them... I just don't trust him... I know he's my boyfriend! You can block someone from doing that? Cool! ... I know, and he kept asking me whether I minded because he was ordering lots of movies, or if I minded that some of them were porn...
College admissions office
Wisconsin
4PM Everyone Who Looks at You Will Smile
Gate agent: How cute you look in your outfit, Maria*!
Ramp agent in fluorescent jumpsuit, heading out to Tarmac: I look like a gigantic yellow highlighter.
Boarding area, JetBlue flight to JFK
Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
11AM Might We Suggest a Job at FEMA?
Reporter: Aw, Alex*. Look at you helping people.
Editor, disgusted: I know. It really turns my stomach.
Press building
New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
10AM Those Bastards!
Fund raising exec: We keep hearing about these people who die, and we sit around waiting to hear what they're going to give to us, and it turns out they've left all their money to the crippled children!
Non-profit organization
Washington, DC
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
2PM I'll Shave This Beard, Put on a Nice Dress and Get on the Bus
Coworker to self: I can't perpetuate this freak show.
West Superior Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Why Workplaces Should Have Principals' Offices
Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]
Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]
Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it's because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren't you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]
330 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dirty Librarian
5PM So It's Not All Bad
Lady peon #1: If we keep working at this rate we are A -- going to get sick, B -- going to be tired, and C -- going to hate each other!
Lady peon #2: ... You forgot D -- divorced.
Tallahassee, Florida
1PM Instead We'll Have a Class on "Constructive Disagreement"
Male boss, after female employee leaves room after argument: Now I know why men beat their wives.
465 Democrat Road
Memphis, Tennessee
5PM Yeah, Let Me Add That to Original Sin and Slavery
Psycho parent: Look, you're not in his resource time, so he can't get help from you then.
Teacher: Yes, well, I'm teaching another class, so I can't be there.
Psycho parent: I know it's not your fault, but don't you feel like you should take some responsibility for that?
High school
Sterling, Virginia
1PM Say Her Keyboard's Emoticonstipated
E-mail admin: I am not taking a trouble ticket where she says, 'I meant to send a smiley face but instead sent a frowny face.'
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM And the Pants
Voice from conference room: Give me back my shirt!
Large law firm
New York, New York
11AM Why People Leave the Midwest
Outraged copywriter: I think it's time for lefties to conform and make check marks like the rest of us.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: righty and proud of it
10AM What Else Is Available in the Nation's Capital?
Customer: ... And it's Miss Jameson*, not 'missus.' Why does everyone always assume you're married to some asshole?
801 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
3PM And He Brings Death to His Enemies
Student: Voldemort is like Bill Fates. He's good at marketing, but he didn't actually come up with Windows.
33 East Congress
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Stubby Boardman
2PM Customer: Wouldya Look at This Bullshit?
Assistant manager, about e-mail to customer: Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM If Anyone Asks, We're 10-Year-Old Orphans Who Live in a Maytag Box
Sorority girl #1: I'm just worried we aren't going to have enough money.
Sorority girl #2: No, we wrote a letter to Oprah.
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: frightened grad student
12PM I Knew Letting Dennis Quaid Pilot a Ship inside My Body Was a Poor Idea
Cube dweller: Ow, my pancreas!
30 North La Salle Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM It's a Lovely Chenille
Employee: I didn't ask to be employee of the month -- the mantle was thrust upon me!
Housewares store
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
11AM You Know How She Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth?
Suit: You know, this whole process is like making out with your cousin.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Then I Huff Glue in the Supply Closet and Cheer Right Up
Agent #1: I am really upset today about something I saw on the History Channel...
Agent #2: Was it about Nazis?
Agent #1: No, it was about the universe. There are theories out there that say the universe will end in about five billion years.
Agent #2: And that upsets you? Why?
Agent #1: Well, if it is all just going to up and end one day, then what's the point of me doing all this paperwork bullshit?
Agent #2: Oh, I know, it really gets to me too, sometimes.
Washington, DC
4PM I'd Like to Push Another Boulder Up a Different Hill
Employee #1: If you want to send me your resume, I'll see if they're looking to hire designers. I think they are.
Employee #2: Does the place resemble Hell?
Employee #1: You mean like here?
Employee #2: Yeah. Like, if it's a few shades lighter red, and about half the amount of writhing souls, I'd be interested.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: cube prisoner
12PM Luckily It Was Faulkner, So Neither of Us Understood It Anyway
Lady peon: So, I was going home on the train the other night, and this drunk guy sat next to me, and I was just sitting reading my book, and I could tell that he was looking at me, so I wasn't looking at him. And then he starts talking, and I realize he's been reading over my shoulder the entire time and now he's reading out loud, and I was like, 'Hey! I haven't even gotten to that part yet!'
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM It Really Was All Fun and Games Until He Lost That Eye
Male worker: There's already been a killing over a PlayStation 3.
Female worker who waited in line but didn't get one: Well, at least he got to play it for a while!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Temp
3PM She'll Do Anything to Boost The Simple Life's Ratings
Salesman: Hello, Nicole*.
Receptionist, collapsing on the floor: Oh my god! I'm throwing myself off the building!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Temporary Receptionist
9AM That's the Last Time I Let Uncle Walter Take Me on a Cruise
Newly married office girl: Swallowing is not my idea of a vacation.
Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: these walls are thin
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
10AM Even the Attorney General Can't Do That Indefinitely
Helper: You're wonderful -- like a pie face.
Receptionist: Like a pie face? Wonderful people are like pie faces?
Helper: Um, obviously you don't understand I have my own language.
Receptionist: ... Well, then what's a pizza foot?
Helper: Look, you can't just be making things up!
4601 Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
11AM Bring a Friend
Male coworker: When are you going to come out of your cave and socialize?
Female coworker: Why don't you just come in my cave?!
810 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hmmm... Maybe I will
1PM The Locals Always Suffer When There's a Vibrant Tourism-Based Economy
Coworker: I asked HR for two rubbers and she only gave me one! This happens every time.
Rama 1 Road
Bangkok
Thailand
Overheard by: Bangkok Lawyer
3PM Love the Orange Lipstick, Though
Blonde manager: These hooker shoes are killing my feet.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?
Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California
Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley
12PM Denny's?
Office grunt: Now if I say something tastes like shit, I'll have a frame of reference.
Hyde Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: A.D.
3PM Like Ted Kennedy
Cube rat: Do you realize that it's 2007 and we're still sharing the planet with fucking animals?
210 East 43rd Street
New York, New York
1PM Dude, Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Meditation Monks
Intern, about weekend: My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM I Know I Was Just Selling Her a Lamp, but I Can Tell
Telemarketing guy in retirement plan department, slamming down phone: She's in 401(K) heat! Ugh!
1445 120th Avenue
Bellevue, Washington
12PM Just Buy One That Says "I Kill Thieves"
Disgruntled worker: It would be easier if people just walked around with shirts that said, 'I steal shit.'
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
11AM Guess Who Never Has to Go Shopping Again
Coworker: So then he came home with all these bags of groceries, all proud, and after he got them all put away, I was like, 'That's not groceries! That's meat and a pineapple!'
1450 Energy Park Drive
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: JoJo
1PM They'd Rather Be Called "Interns"
Wailing lady peon: Nooo! I have three boobs!
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: mellamaphone
2PM Let's Just Say the Experience Is Better in Slow Motion
Female editor: I've never been to Hooters, and I probably never will.
Male reporter: The service is exceptional.
Female editor: It takes the longest time for me to get my food there.
Male reporter: That's the best part!
100 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
5PM The Red Menace Never Sleeps
20-ish female associate: Yeah, and you should see her hair! She dyed it red.
20-ish male associate: Really? How red? Like, Netflix-red?
20-ish female associate: No! Worse than that. Like Tandoori chicken-red!
Middle-aged male associate: Wait, wait, wait -- what on Earth are you two talking about? What ever happened to fire engine-red and candy apple-red? [Met with silent, blank stares, then waves his hand in disdain] Bah! You kids nowadays are all freaks!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Of Course, the Functional Invisibility Is Good for Robbing Banks
Woman #1: I hate these bloody name tags!
Woman #2: I know! The straps are so long! Everyone keeps peering down at your belly before looking up at your face!
Woman #1: I prefer the name tags you can clip on your lapel...
Woman #2: Yes, at my age I'd actually rather men stared at my tits and not at my stomach.
Old woman exiting stall: Honey, at my age you're chuffed if they look anywhere at all!
Conference, St. Andrews Place
London
England
1PM That Looks Like... My Wife's Pumpkin!
Grunt, alone in cube: Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater... Fuckin' bitch.
North Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM While He Was Trying for a Nice Piece of Assonance
Male cube rat: I need a word that rhymes with 'vaginal.'
Female cube rat #1: Why?
Male cube rat: I'm writing a poem.
Female cube rat #1: What kind of poem has the word 'vaginal' in it?
Male cube rat: Don't interrogate me. Just help me out.
Female cube rat #2: This poem isn't about me, is it?
Male cube rat: I'll bet Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't have to put up with a bunch of fucking questions.
Insurance company
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Actually, That May Be Just What Eyeore Needs
Sales guy: That guy wouldn't be in a good mood even if you woke him up with porn and ice cream.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
11AM But I Just Got You a Princess Dress, Raoul
Grunt: Man, this consultant is absurdly high maintenance. I swear, the woman's going to ask for a pony next!
Boss: Just get her what she wants. We need her on-board.
Grunt: Well, if she gets a pony, I want one, too.
Washington, DC
11AM Sadly, That's the Most Specific Feedback I've Gotten All Year
Failed hipster boss to peon: You're really quiet today. Stop being so fucking inclusive.
Middleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: The Friendliest Emo of All
9AM Would That Help?
Coworker #1: Yo, I need a shredder for all my junk mails that I get. I get mad junk mail at home.
Coworker #2: You print out all your junk e-mail?!
27th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Michael
10AM Then You're Failing Me All Around
Male hippie #1 standing at printer with no paper: Aren't you supposed to be watching this? What do I pay you for?
Male hippie #2: To shave my legs and wear the skirt.
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: please no more
3PM Since My Husband Was Turned to Stone
Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.
1120 NW Couch Street
Portland, Oregon
10AM Tell Them Under No Circumstances Will Their Demands Be Met
Crazy woman at front desk: I will not be a slave to my teeth!
1685 Main Street
Santa Monica, California
12PM Only an Atomic Wedgie Can Save Me!
Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
5PM According to My Personality Profile
Boss: I would rather be dressed in chaps and a police cap at the Blue Oyster Bar than be subjected to the XYZ Company* auditors.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: K67
10AM Wonder If I've Overplayed That Card Yet
Secretary #1: Here, I'll trade you dark chocolate for my chocolate.
Secretary #2: No, I like dark chocolate.
Secretary #1: Why does the white man have to take all the dark chocolate? That's the last piece of dark chocolate, and I'm dark so I should eat it! You ate all the white chocolate last week because you're white, and now you're going to have all the dark chocolate, too, just like the white man does to everything!
Secretary #2, eating dark chocolate: It's all mine now. Look at this! [Opens mouth.]
Secretary #1, muttering to herself and walking away: Just like the white man...
11330 Pierce Street
Riverside, California
Overheard by: Kevin
3PM And I Just Wanted to Thank You for Thinking of Me
Boss: There's nothing like walking to put the newspapers behind the circulation desk and looking out towards the front and having the first thing you see be the word 'penis.'
Library
Richmond, Virginia
9AM Time to Prepare for That Eventuality
Teen girl: If I don't get an A on this English test I'm going to be even screwed-er.
High school
Sterling, Virginia
Overheard by: The Mean Teacher
5PM So Not Why I Went to College
Cube girl: Man, being on my knees down here really hurts...
Greenville, Texas
Overheard by: me next?
10AM Through the Middle of the Tub
Office grunt: Well, I asked for the guys to fix the electricity, but they built a wall in my bathroom!
Paris
France
4PM You Play Helen Reddy, That's What You Get
Male coworker: All I hear is, 'Yap, yap, yap, I'm cold, yap, yap, yap, I'm a woman.
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Erin
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
11AM Got Any Engagement Rings That Squirt Poison?
Worker bee: I won't spend 60 dollars on something I can't shoot my friends with.
11145 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: me either
2PM Dad? Dad!
Old man: An hour I'm waiting here! What's the point in making appointments if they make you wait?
Middle-aged son: What's your hurry, Dad? You have no place else to go.
Old man: That's not the point! When they make an appointment they should take you in at that time!
Middle-aged son: Hey, Dad, that's why they call it a 'waiting room.' See all these people? They all have appointments, too.
Old man: When I see that doctor I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Middle-aged son: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dad. One little injection and they'll carry you out of here dead, and nobody's gonna ask why a 91-year-old man died suddenly.
Doctor's waiting room
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
2PM Trust Me, They're More Afraid of You Than You Are of Them
Data entry guy #1: Ya know what freaks me out?
Data entry guy #2: Um... What?
Data entry guy #1: Canadians.
Dallas, Texas
4PM I Think I Have to Go Home Sick
Cube rat playing with promotional sticky ball: When I hold this ball too long my hand starts to smell.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
3PM On the Plus Side, I've Lost Five Pounds Since We Became Friends
Queer temp on phone: God, I hate Lynn*! I can never spend any long periods of time with her because we can never eat. Why does she have to be anorexic? Why can't she just be bulimic so she can at least eat with me and then puke it all up later? Hell, she can even use my finger or toothbrush!
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
10AM Help Me, Champollion, You're My Only Hope!
Boss: Dude, your plan should be clearly stated on your bill.
Angry employee: Have you seen an ABC Wireless* bill? It's like the Rosetta Stone fucked a coked-up prostitute and out came my bill.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
4PM We Figured You Upgraded from Food Crumbs
Male coworker covered in cardboard: Thanks for telling me I've been walking around with box all over my chest.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: K-Slim
4PM All Part of the Element of Surprise
Senior officer: They keep changing the uniforms! I can't tell who's in the Navy and who's parking cars!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
1PM Are You Immune to Postal Death Rays? We're Hiring!
Girl: One stamp please. [Crusty mail lady puts Christmas stamp on envelope.] Oh, ummm, does it need to be that one? [Crusty mail lady shoots death rays with eyes.] But they're Jewish! [More death rays.] But I'm asking them for a job! [Crusty mail lady rips off Christmas stamp and replaces with flower stamp.] Ummm...
Crusty mail lady: Fifty-one cents.
Post office
Michigan
Overheard by: Jen
9AM Like I Was Away on Maternity Leave, or That Our Company Doesn't Exist?
Boss on phone with lawyer: Last year? What? I don't remember last year. Hell, I hardly remember yesterday, let alone last year... Can't we just make something up?
Pearl District
Portland, Oregon
10AM That's Really at the Heart of All of Our Marital Issues, Doctor
Cake decorator: It's because you hit me with the fish!
1 Kent Road
New Milford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nik
5PM The Best Managers Don't Even Show Up to Work
Chief technology officer: Can't we find someone else to do it?!
495 Circle 85
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Lizerati
9AM The Streets Are Filled with Earnest Strivers, Though
Straight cube girl: Straight people are a dime a dozen! It's hard to find a good lesbian lover. You, of all people, should know that.
Straight cube guy: I know, I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM We're Highly Motivated to Accomplish the Mission
Supervisor: You were loud.
Underling: We were just talking.
Supervisor: You were screaming.
Underling: Well, we always scream.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM He'd Better Bring His "A" Game or a Friend
Film crew girl #1: So, it was really awful, then?
Film crew girl #2: Oh my god, it was worse. He gave me the worst sex ever. I mean, the least you can do when you've made me pay for dinner and the cinema and drinks and stayed at my house all weekend is give me a right good seeing to.
Film crew girl #1: Seeing him again?
Film crew girl #2: Tomorrow night.
Brick Lane
London
England
Overheard by: Nics
10AM You Don't Start Out Hating Them
Angry girl coworker: Goddammit! I fucking hate people!
Friend: But you work in HR...
501 Front Street
Norfolk, Virginia
10AM But at Least You've Stopped Throwing Your Cat Up into Trees
Scientist at desk to tech in lab: Just because you want to see hot firemen doesn't mean you have to set off the alarm!
20925 Crossroads Circle
Waukesha, Wisconsin
9AM I'm a Harvard MBA, for Christ's Sake
General manager: I've got a small favor to ask you...
Sales guy: I am not getting in a chicken suit and dancing on the roof again!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Stayin' until 5...
3PM No More Sleeping Under Bridges with Teenagers?
Employee: Everything about my life sucks right now! I need to go home, and I need to have a shower, and I need to get laid by someone who knows what he's doing for once, and then I need to go to bed.
Sackville
New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
2PM But Ranting Is My Chosen Artform!
Disgruntled woman: Did you get my e-mail?
Boss: Yes, but you're so consistently negative I didn't bother to read it. Plus, your e-mails are always too long.
Disgruntled woman: What?
Boss: From now on, you're limited to two paragraphs-- No! Two sentences. And try to be positive for a change.
Chantilly, Virginia
5PM What Gall He Has
Office manager in transplant center, slamming down phone: How dare he call me about heart when I have liver all over my desk?!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
12PM In Fact, You Have to Be
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent at your work.
Cube dweller: Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
Liverpool
England
11AM When They Came for My Slim Vibe, I Bloody Well Spoke Up
Coworker #1: Did you read the e-mail from HR about the new Nazi-like, anti-fun internet policy? It says we're not supposed to MySpace or YouTube on company time. How boring!
Coworker #2: Whatever! At least I still have my Slim Vibe -- they can't take that from me!
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM I, Um, Think I'm Late for a Meeting
Trashy coworker: Don't ya hate when you're on the rag and your husband rolls over in the night with a boner, wantin' to poke ya?
Franklin Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Violet White
4PM Without Laughing My Ass Off
Coworker angrily hanging up: Geez! What is wrong with these customers?! I'm trying to watch a colo-rectal comedy on UTUBE!
2600 Van Buren Street
Norman, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Nina
11AM She's Like Nicole Richie in That Respect
Female TA: When I went upstairs I saw this cake being thrown across the room.
Male TA: A cake?
Female TA: Yeah, Sue* thought they were throwing it at her.
Male TA: If I had a cake, I'd probably throw it at Sue... But then, that's the kind of guy I am.
Female TA: No, it's the type of woman Sue is. It's impossible not to throw cake at her!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: I educate your kids...
3PM The Odds Are Against It
Customer: Do you guys have any rooms available?
Front desk: No, sir. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out. If you like, I can give you the number of a few hotels in the area that have availability.
Customer, leaving and giving the finger: Does it look like I have a goddamn phone on me?
Front desk: I'd be more than happy to call them for you, sir.
Customer: Fuck you.
Front desk: Okay, sir. Have a wonderful night.
Elmira, New York
9AM Those're the Odds When Your Best Customer's Layla
Employee #1, getting up: Stupid customers...
Employee #2: Yeah, they always come when you're on your knees.
Fast food place
Carlingford
Australia
10AM Get Me Two Pirates!
CSR: I need, like, four more arms and three more eyeballs. That way I could do more than one thing at a time.
Tempe, Arizona
12PM More Than You Get Most Days
Receptionist #1: What's the forecast for next Sunday?
Receptionist #2: Sixty-nine and sunny.
Receptionist #1: Sixty-nine? That's all I get for my birthday?
221 Longwood Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
9AM Like My Wedding
IT guy: Someone better jump out of a cake later and scream, 'Gender surprise'!
Silverlake, California
10AM There's a Very Long List of Things You Can't Imagine
Girl in breakroom avoiding meeting: Ugh! I can't imagine anything worse than doing conference calls all day.
Girl reading Maus, Part II: [Stares.]
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: I love Frenchie
3PM "You Are Beautiful in a Way That's Unfamiliar to Me" Would Be Okay
Financial analyst: Guys will say, 'Oh, Asian women are so exotic,' like we're a commodity. I'm not a rug!
Wall Street
New York, New York
10AM He's Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion
Man in armchair, to no one: You're always fuckin' starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I'm not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I'm sick... Read a goddamn newspaper! There's child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they're fighting over her baby, and you tell me I'm sick?!
Book store
Greece, New York
Overheard by: confused reader
3PM That Mathy Stuff Frightens Me
Professor: Well, then I saw that there were equations involved, so I freaked out.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
10AM I'm One Cosmo Quiz Away from Sexual Mastery
Office girl #1: Oh, I love Jane magazine.
Office girl #2: What's that?
Office girl #1: It's a chick magazine, but not so girly. That's why I like it.
Office girl #3: That's why I hate it -- it has, like, articles.
45 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: RaRa
4PM Ready? Okay!
Boss: Put away those pom-poms, young lady -- this is a place of business!
North Cedar Street
Lititz, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michelle
10AM And Each Evening I Hose Down the Sidewalk
Manager on phone: Yeah, I've got a little apartment on the gay side of the French quarter. Sometimes in the morning I have to beat them off to get out my doorway.
4621 West Napoleon Avenue
Metairie, Louisiana
Overheard by: PeauxBoy
9AM Wait, No - That's Why I'm Afraid of Fire
Woman: You know I'm afraid of birds, don't you? It's because of that movie and the time my mother burned down a gas station.
Cal State Northridge
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
5PM Who Encouraged William Shatner to Make a Children's CD Anyway?
Annoyed peon: None of it rhymes! He rhymes 'lizards' with 'chinchillas' and 'dogs' with 'scorpions.'
101 2nd Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pinup
4PM Bad Enough We Never Mastered Central Heating
Trainee: Would you mind closing that window? The cold air is making my skin peel off.
London
England
10AM Management Zombies Also Eat the Brains of the Living
Office grunt: I don't know where he gets it from... No, wait, I know where he gets it from -- he sucks the energy of others.
Software office
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM Blinded by the Lite Beer
Bearded employee: Man, I think I have beer on my glasses.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Laughing Librarian
3PM When You Get to the Skin, Stop!
Old lady to young guy during naked model drawing class: Stop undressing her with your eyes!
553 Aspicuelta
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: the model
1PM Someday He'll Have His Own Interns to Torment
Scientist #1 to intern, smacking him in the face with a latex glove: I challenge you to a duel! [Intern rolls his eyes and walks away.] Interns these days -- they don't have a sense of humor.
Scientist #2: Does it really matter? He could be a psycho serial killer, but as long as he does my work for me I don't really care.
701 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM Just When I Learned to Tell Time, Too
Bimbette: I hate that I have to memorize a new date everyday.
Monroe and LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM If It Weren't for IBS, I'd Have No Reason to Get Up in the Morning
Designer: I'm bored and all the bathrooms are full.
605 Lakeview Drive
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: so what?
5PM I Have a Delicate Constitution
Office peon: When I was little I Dream of Jeannie always made me tense. I think it was the chaos.
25 South Front Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: emf
4PM Surprisingly Effective
Male supervisor who drives a PT Cruiser: My car's as much of a chick magnet as me walking into a room without a shirt on making farting noises with my armpit.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM James Gets Empowered by Assertiveness Training
Mid-life crisis coworker: Hi, this is James*. You remember me? Good. Well, I was just calling to tell you that there's lettuce on my bagel, and I ordered no lettuce, no tomato, and this is the third time this has happened. You guys make great food, but this is unacceptable and I thought you should be aware of your error.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
10AM Time Travel's Probably Your Only Hope Now
Office peon: That John Wilkes Booth -- they just didn't shoot Lincoln soon enough.
Arlington, Texas
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
11AM Jesus: The Way You People Treat Each Other, I Hate You All!
CSR, sighing at computer: Jesus hates me. [Alarmed when notices customer] I didn't mean that.
Customer: No, it's okay. He probably does.
1400 Apalachee Parkway
Tallahassee, Florida
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
12PM Without Him, I Don't Want a Liver
Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know -- I'm still really upset about--
Cashier #1: --About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I'm still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh... Yeah...
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he'll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well... that's good, isn't it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.
Perth
Australia
2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off
Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.
2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
11AM Their Alliance with the Sundae Lobby Was a Stroke of Genius
Coworker: You keep hearing all this stuff about cherries being good for you. They're actually not that good for you. It's just what the people in northern Michigan say to get you to buy their cherries!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM It Would Also Succinctly Communicate What I Think of Our Mission Statement
Peon to another at two-hour mark in meeting: I'd poop in my chair if I thought it would make this meeting more interesting.
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Couldn't have hurt -- mighta helped
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'll try and be nicer to them from now on
3PM On the Plus Side, I Can't See the Band at Rolling Stones Concerts
Short coworker behind tall coworker's chair: I wish I were tall enough to hover more effectively.
Roseville Road
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: BanditCat
4PM Why All Her Kids Are Adopted
Coworker, after boss made big volunteerism speech: I don't want to do anything where there's the possibility of seeing something gross.
Little Rock, Arkansas
Overheard by: that's the spirit
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
5PM I'd Fix It Myself, but I'm Heading Out Soon
Young drone: Do you realize that everything you print has the heading 'Dead' on it?
Old drone: I wish they'd change that.
441 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
9AM It's Too Much with Me
Five-year-old: I'm taking a break.
Young librarian: What are you taking a break from?
Five-year-old: ... The world.
2110 Library Lane
Grand Forks, North Dakota
10AM Filed in the Necrophiliac Section? Incompetent Bastards.
Chick: What is this, pedophile music?
Munkegata, Oslo
Norway
5PM Since No High-Profile Plane Crashes Have Happened Recently, Everyone Laughed Good-Naturedly at the Pilot's Joke
Pilot: Folks we'll be flying at 28 thousand feet today, however, the folks at maintenance only gave us enough fuel to fly at 22 thousand feet. So, we'll see what happens. Enjoy your flight!
Delta Airlines flight
4PM Plus, Who Would We Get to Clean Our Rain Gutters?
Manager: How's your mother?
Employee: She's coming home tonight. They wanted to put her in a nursing home, but I said, 'No way.' Not at Christmas.
Manager: Doesn't she need that level of care?
Employee: Not at Christmas, she doesn't.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cubicle Right Outside
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM If It Doesn't Offend Someone's Religion, It's Not Worth Doing
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we're not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don't offend someone's religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
4PM At the Sal Monella Country Inn
Waitress: And so the guy from the health department says we have, like, one day to get this shit cleaned up or he is shutting us down. Oh my god, he's right! Look at all this crap in the bottom of the ice... [As two customers walk in] Oh, hello. Two for dinner?
Diner
Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
9AM She Can Write That off As a Job Expense
Guy #1: So, my daughter tells me she wants to get her tongue pierced, and I told her there was no way in hell I would let her fuck up her teeth after all of the money we spent with those braces straightening up her teeth. And after I said that she actually understood where I was coming from.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Now she wants to get her nipples pierced.
Government office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: b-chomp
3PM This'll Be the Worst Staff Meeting Ever
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
2PM God, How I Want Her
Contract attorney: Ann Coulter? She looks like a bag full of antlers.
575 7th Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Daniel
10AM That's Coming from Her TV -- It's Stuck on Lifetime
Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.
Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
2PM Looks Like Someone's Going to Be Waiting a Long Time before He Becomes Associate Bishop
Assistant bishop: What the hell?! I can't get any damned work done around here!
Salem, Virginia
Overheard by: only agnostic in the office
11AM Sure, Hog the Brain Damage
Lab tech finding other scientists spraying glue: Ahhh! Free isocyanates!
Scientist: Get out of here!
Rockland, Maryland
Overheard by: Chemdork
5PM The Silver Lining
Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here
3PM Ladies, All of You Should Be Dating This Guy
Dude: I registered to win a trip to space, and I haven't heard anything. I'm very disappointed.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas Bohrman
2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?
Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: brian
2PM Unless That's Just the Hallucinogens Talking
Coworker #1: Man, this is discolored.
Coworker #2: Yeah, you probably licked it.
Coworker #1: I hate that. Licking always discolors things.
Austin, Texas
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
11AM Victor's Secret
Female coworker: I woke up today and couldn't find my panties.
Male coworker: So, did you find them finally?
Female coworker: No. And my husband disappeared...
Law office
New York, New York
Overheard by: julllully
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter
Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.
In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
2PM How You Know Your Coworker Is Straight
Employee: Did you see the Accounting Department? They are all dressed up like the Village People... or the Seven Dwarfs -- I'm not sure.
100 Mountain Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Snow Whitefish
12PM We're Trying to Rig Up Some Kind of IV Drip Feed in a Backpack
Salesperson on phone: She's a vicious person but a friendly, stupid drunk.
George Town
Grand Cayman
5PM The Good Ones All Have MBAs Now
Female coworker: Well, I guess I hadn't thought it out so thoroughly.
Male coworker: Yeah, and the hookers were like, 'Woo-hoo, market share!'
Chevy Chase, Building 4
Maryland
Overheard by: Xen
2PM Introducing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal
Woman #1: I'm pregnant again.
Woman #2: On purpose?
Woman #3, sighing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a little hospital- and daytime TV R and R.
Montvale, New Jersey
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
11AM Have You Heard That Crazy Rumor about Tanning?
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool -- we didn't realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn't know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
10AM Thank God for Women Who Don't Know Any Better
Salesman: You know, customers who want their parts on time and in decent condition really get on my nerves.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM And the Importance of Personal Protective Equipment
Boss: I'm not the one who brought up fucking a goat.
Minion: I was explaining the hazards of his job.
Bend, Oregon
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Not Knowing Is Better Than Thinking It Means 'Imply'
Student: I just read the stupidest word on my Bio diploma. 'Infer'? What the fuck does 'infer' mean?
1200 Festival Road
Sherwood Park, Alberta
Canadia
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM When We Get to 'Two,' Give Me a Push, Okay?
Blonde entering elevator: I tell you, people are lazy.
Brunette: Which people?
Blonde, hitting button for second floor: Everybody. Everybody is lazy!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: going to 5
2PM And I Won't Read to the Blind Either! They've Got Braille!
Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can't walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM Needless to Say, I'll Never Eat Government Cheese Again
Editrix: I remember a time at this company when someone would say there was free food, and I'd go get some. It didn't matter what it was -- I ate it because it was free.
Scheduler: Sounds like a dark time.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: Writer guy
3PM You've Never Asked Permission Before
Coworker to boss: I'm starting to feel like not being nice and not being so understanding to Jennifer*. You'll either have to give me a pep talk about politeness in the workplace, or give me permission to be a bitch.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: End of the Rope
3PM Just Left a Job in Urophilia, Pennsylvania
Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!
Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you're refusing the drug test?
Job applicant #1: Oh, it's just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM I Will Never Forget Our Little Chat
Manager: So, my wife had to give me an enema this weekend. I thought I was going to die.
New girl: Are you serious?
Manager: Yes. I am always serious.
Christina Street
Sarnia, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Leoness
5PM What's That on Your Upper Lip?
Professor: Given the above table, who thinks penguin milk has less fat than seal milk?
Half the class raises their hands.
Professor: How many think penguin milk has more fat than seal milk?
Other half raises their hands.
Professor to TA: This is a bad sign.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: someone easily tricked at 8am sans coffee
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
2PM Plus, the Witch Is Always Trying to Trick Us into the Oven
Employee: First they stuff us with pie, then they expect us to work.
South Rainier
Seattle, Washington
11AM With a Name Like Oral Roberts, It's Hard to Be Otherwise
Coworker: Yeah, I call my husband the 'Pentecostal Pervert'! He married me when I was 13.
UC Davis Hospital
Davis, California
4PM Um, I Was Distracted?
Man screaming into cell and gesturing at the wall: I'm beneath the fucking girl with her fucking panties around her ankles! How could you miss me?!
Outside civil courthouse
Miami-Dade, Florida
Overheard by: also standing beneath the coppertone ad
2PM After Violet Became a Blueberry, It Took Years of Plastic Surgery to Turn Her White Again
Mother to small child: I already spent all of my money on your face.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: beckz
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
11AM The Litter Box Next to the Bed Might Be a Mistake
Female employee: I don't mind thinking I'll be a creepy cat lady. I just don't want to be a creepy virgin cat lady.
Crosspoint Boulevard
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights
Salesman: It's this whole 'No Child Left Behind, let's get all the kids to graduate college' bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who's gonna do the work? Huh? Who's gonna dig the ditches? Who's gonna pick up the trash? We don't need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.
Birch Street
Brea, California
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
12PM See Ya Later, Ed
Coworker: I'm leaving early, y'all. I ripped my pants, and I can't work with my vagina hanging out.
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Up against her for a promotion
10AM Dare to Dream, Little Queen
Female coworker: I think I'm going to go home. I'm not feeling well.
Gay coworker: I hope it's not contagious.
Female coworker: No. It's... woman problems. I don't think you'll get infected.
Gay coworker: You'd be surprised.
14th Street and Rhode Island Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Suprised
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes
Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!
Manitoba
Canadia
1PM Did I Mention That I Won't Be Wearing Pants?
Employee #1: So basically, I'm going to wear a shirt that says, 'Ghouls Gone Wild' on it.
Employee #2: You can't do that! You have to dress slutty!
Sixforks and Strickland
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Heather
10AM Usually If You Hate the Jews, You Just End up Getting Slapped on the Wrist for a DUI in Malibu
Teen boy: Did Walt Disney hate the Jews?
Teen girl: No, I don't think so. I mean, that's not why he died or anything.
Harper Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Po
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
2PM The Klan Has Fallen on Hard Times
Ghetto girl on cell: Whitey snuck into my apartment and set my alarm clock off by 12 hours! I ain't never snuck into no white person's house and put poison in they're food! But Whitey's oppressin' me. Whitey snuck into my apartment while I was in the shower and stole my underwear! While I was in the shower!
545 Bus
Outside Seattle, Washington
10AM No, I Quit Because None of Them Were Prostitutes
Male administrator: So, are you a prostitute?
Female administrator: Excuse me?
Male administrator: It's a line from that movie, Monster.
Female administrator: You can't just go around saying things like that to people.
Male administrator: Oh. Well, I used to do it all the time at my old job.
Female administrator: Is that why you're not working there anymore?
Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
5PM Right Next to Malibu Eva Braun
HR employee: That's not GI Joe... That's Hitler!
National Geographic Offices
Washington, DC
Overheard by: CytoToxicBlade
3PM I Thought That Was Supposed to be Happening in Your Office?
Boss: Jeez Louise, we're just nailing each other over here!
Kansas City, Missouri
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
9AM Refuses to Watch Baseball Because of the Flies
Suit: The other way I learned it, from Schoolhouse Rock, is that the alligator is hungry and so wants to bite the larger one.
Woman coworker: Ohhh... I see. That would confuse me, because it's got animals.
919 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: i guess graduating elementary school just was
4PM Maybe You Should Try Singing with Your Mouth
Employee on phone: Church choir practice kicked my ass last night!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
12PM Why Can't You Be Like Mulan? She Was Asian, but She Could Take a Punch!
Asian coworker to black coworker: Why can't you be like Akeelah in Akeelah and the Bee? She was black, but she could spell!
235 E 42nd Street
New York, New York
2PM But Only by Going Further in Can We Acquire Cheese
Board member: There has got to be a way out of this place.
175 S. 3d St
Columbus, Ohio
12PM You Have to Keep Your Pinky Extended
Customer: I have not ordered this product.
Service person: But we have a contract that you have signed.
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: I'm sorry?
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: Would you do it like a gentleman?
Potsdam, Germany
11AM Corporate Suicide Bombers
Employee: No one saw who took my chair? I hope I have crabs.
345 Broadway
New York City
3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
12PM Dead Men Tells no Tales, Says I
Designer: It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Writer: I know.
Designer: You already knew? And you didn't tell me? I should smack you.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
2PM Actually She Details Cars, Professionally
Account manager: So I sent you that new job applicant. Have fun.
Recruiter: I just opened it up. Wow, she completely misspelled 'Delaware State.'
Account manager: Oh, it gets worse.
Recruiter: 'Seven years,' with an '-s!' And she spelled 'with' wrong!
Account manager: Yep, and she's a detail-oriented professional.
Trolley Square
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Rhymes with Banana
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
2PM Jobs: Aha! We'll Start Attaching a kid to the 50GB Models. They'll Sell Like Hotcakes
IT woman #1: How do you work this thing?
IT guy #1: What is it? An iPod?
IT woman #1: Yeah, I'm trying to restart it but I don't know how.
IT guy #3: Ctrl, alt, delete!
IT woman #1: Don't any of you have iPods to help me out?
IT guy #2: I'll call my kids.
Maersk Offices
Algate, London
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
9AM Actually, That's What Happened to My Ankles
Sales guy: How can you sit like that? It's disgusting.
Information specialist: I have weak ankles. I'm sorry I disgust you.
Sales guy: You don't disgust me, just the way you sit. Besides, you're always making fun of my women.
Information specialist: Say, do you have one of those auto-lifts in your bedroom?
Sales guy: I see what you're saying. Because I like big women.
Information specialist: I mean, in case you get pinned or something.
Sales guy: Funny thing is, I know how to maneuver one of those, from a previous job.
Information specialist: I'll take that as a yes.
Washington DC
5PM He Whizzed Through Med School
Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.
York Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: the other assistant
4PM The Mistake Is Trying to Find Celebrities to Respect
Receptionist #1: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is dating?
Receptionist #2: No, I don't care. ... Who?
Receptionist #1: I read it in People so you know it's true. You're going to be so pissed.
Receptionist #2: Ok, who?
Receptionist #1: John Mayer!
Receptionist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Receptionist #1: I know, right?
Receptionist #2: Dude. What is with every celebrity guy I ever respected letting me down lately? First Jared Leto looking like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Receptionist #1: At least it's not Dane Cook.
Receptionist #2: I know. At least he's preserved.
Receptionist #1: At least he wasn't tainted by her taint.
Taunton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: kerily
1PM Martina Navratilova inadvertently reveals the secret of her success
Girl: Yeah, so I have to go buy this see-through tank top and a see-through skirt for tennis. It's so stupid. And I will have to wear another tank top underneath my see-through tank top and some shorts to cover up my balls--I mean... [laughs really hard]
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: not-so-smart asian.
4PM Rainman: Hey!
Angry cop: Fucking college kids make me sick. It's disgusting. You're the smartest most retarded people in the world!
Easton Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
2PM Why Kiwi Teachers Smell
Teacher #1: I think I should just become a hooker.
Teacher #2: Yeah, but think of the all the washing you would have to do.
New Zealand
12PM So Just Have the Spaghetti
Employee: Rat balls are nasty!
Raytheon
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: taaj
11AM NewsFlash: Student Expelled for Refusing to 'Dumb Down' Answers
Teacher: Scott*, can you give the next answer?
Student: Religion is the belief in a supernatural and the relationship with this being.
Teacher: Could you please speak normally next time?
Student: I am.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
5PM Sorry, I Don't Bi That
Control room guy: I'm sorry, but if you get a hard-on from another guy, YOU'RE GAY. You can't just say you were just acting. DeNiro couldn't even act that well.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
5PM The 'Advanced' Section of the Kama Sutra Is Not for Everyone
Manager: Yeah, in order for me to work it out, I had to bend over backwards and slap some K-Y jelly on it.
Radio Shack
California
Overheard by: Stephen
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
11AM So I Knew All the Questions Ahead of Time
GRE taker #1: That math section sure was hard.
GRE taker #2: Yeah, I was real confused with the angle-side-angle calculations.
GRE taker #1: I thought it was tough, too, but thankfully I took astrology last semester.
Fayetteville State University
Fayetteville, North Carolina
9AM The Godfather: It Should Really Go at the Feet
Guy: Facedown in cement... it just doesn't do you any good.
Applied Physics Lab
Maryland
Overheard by: scared
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
10AM Except Today They Were Spouting Some Nonsense About Loving My Neighbor
Coworker #1: What radio station do you listen to on your way to work?
Coworker #2: I listen to a Christian station so I can prepare myself for dealing with you assholes.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: one of the assholes
3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck
Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?
9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: T
1PM I Dare You to Ask If He Has a Navel
Suit: Jim's* door is locked. Is he not here?
Woman #1: No, his mother's in the hospital.
Suit: Damn!
Woman #1: Not very synthetic, is he.
1500 John F. Kennedy Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Not synthetic, very real
11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'
Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM And Stick It up His Nose
Lady: What's his new obsession with cocaine? Is that, like, his new drug of choice or something? 'Cause I'm telling you, I'm about ready to have this baby just to spite him.
1548 Lee Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Fin
1PM Marx Predicted This
Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can't shop here! You're supposed to work! You're not people!
801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida
11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
New York, New York
Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl
Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?
Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM And Kindergartners Have Way Better Drugs
Mother: They're trying to hold him back again. He's been in preschool twice already. Preschoolers are dull and boring!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
2PM Bimbo Breakthrough
Bimbo #1: I gotta go, I can't be late to my class. It's important.
Bimbo #2: What class?
Bimbo #1: Sociology. And by important, I mean I'm probably going to fail it.
1000 University Place
Newport News, Virginia
12PM If I'd Known It Would Just Be a Slobbering, I'd Have Done It Myself
Architect: Did you see the dog?
Intern: Yeah, he slobbered on my pant leg.
Architect: I sent you because I didn't want to get bit.
Square Lake Road
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Eero Plain
11AM Solitaire Is a Conspiracy by the Black Man to Undermine White Productivity
Employee #1: Blacks, blacks everywhere! Stupid blacks! I can't do anything with them. They just take over.
Employee #2: Cletus*, quit playing solitaire and do some work.
Downtown
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: non-profit ninja
5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures
Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.
Balboa Park
San Diego, California
Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby
2PM Orthodox Dude in Peyes, Platform Hat, Black Three-Piece Suit: 'What Did You Just Say?'
Cube dude: I don't mean this to be harsh, but, you know, the Talmud wasn't exactly written just to justify your fashion choices.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM It's an L.A. County Law
Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Jen
9AM At Last We Learn How Howard the Duck Got Greenlighted
Writer: I told you that duck was evil.
Designer: I know.
Writer: But you kept trying to squeeze him in the layout anyway.
Designer: I know. He looked so tempting when I first saw him! But that duck was the spawn of Satan.
Writer: I told you he was a freak.
Designer: He lured me in!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: I don't really want to know.
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
11AM But That Wasn't Working, So I Switched to George
Suit #1: So I was banging Alice in her office, and she started crying. It reminded me of George and Meredith in Grey's Anatomy.
Suit #2: Wow! That must have been a turnoff.
Suit #1: No, I kept going. I just pretended I was banging Meredith.
80 J Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Extra Character
9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers
Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?
Car dealership
Ohio
1PM He Means It's Inauthentically Trying to Be Like Soup Without Actually Being Soup
Customer: Excuse me, miss!
Waitress: Yes, sir?
Customer: My soup is too soupy.
Waitress: Well, I'm sorry, sir, if your soup is too soupy, but it is soup.
Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: he deserved it
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
10AM Situational Ethics
Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.
Midtown
New York, New York
2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?
Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.
1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: WOW @ CU
12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing
CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
10AM Tupac's Propaganda Machine, on the Other Hand, Is Alive and Thriving
Counselor: Is that a Tupac T-shirt? You're five. Tupac wasn't alive when you were born. What do you know about Tupac?
Kid: I know the haters killed him.
Counselor: Touché.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: SB
11AM Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal
Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter's Godless: Who's that lady, daddy?
Dad: She's some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]
Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That's my girl.
Auntie's Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington
10AM It's Really More About Where They Land, Isn't It?
Peon: I wanted to show you this order. I think someone dropped the ball.
Sales associate: Let's see whose order it is...Oh, it's Ryan's*. And he's out this week.
Peon: Uh-oh.
Sales associate: See what happens when you go on vacation? Your balls get dropped!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM In the Future, Black People Will Get to Do Things While Whitey Pays to Watch
Black co-worker: Hey, how are you doing today?
Redneck co-worker: If I were you, I wouldn't speak to me today.
Black co-worker: Why is that? What's wrong with you?
Redneck co-worker: I'm not too fond of you black people today. That damn Tiger Woods has won another Major.
Black co-worker: Oh, that's all? Well, what are you going to do when we take over NASCAR?
Redneck co-worker: [Bewildered silence]
1000 Jerry St. Pe Highway
Gulf Coast, Mississippi
Overheard by: The Guy sitting next to the idiot
11AM From the Ancient Canadian Folk Tale 'Chickens Are from Hell, Eh?'
Teen #1: I swear, those chickens were from hell.
Teen #2: All chickens are from hell.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
10AM Didn't I Tell You? I'm Guilty.
Defense attorney: I'm going back to the office. God, I hate days like this. Losing blows.
Defendant: Hey, sorry, man. But, really, you didn't have a chance.
300 East Bay Street
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: Jess
9AM 2006: Al Qaeda Reaches Alaska
Admin: Do you need help with anything?
Engineer: Nobody ever asks that here. What are you up to?
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Overworked
5PM Either a 75-Gallon Mixer or That Red-and-White Twine They Tie Cakes Up With
Elderly woman to husband: I told you we wouldn't find it here! I told you the only place we'd find it was a hardware store or a bakery!
Department store
Glendale, Arizona
1PM That's Hardly a Reason. He Must Have Smelled Bad.
Customer: I would like to complain about the woman who works here. She was very rude to me for no reason, even yelling, and then made me leave.
Clerk: Are you the guy who was walking around naked?
Customer: Oh...ah, well... [Leaves quickly]
Porn store
Bozeman, Montana
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
10AM Yeah, They Have All Kinds of Crap
Female suit: This chair is too high. My feet barely touch the floor. I should order a step stool from the Office Supplies Department. Do you have the catalog?
Male suit: They have stool samples in there?
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
4PM He Runs a Brothel
Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"
Mount Prospect, Illinois
1PM The Scary Thing Is, I Agree With Both of Them
Male co-worker: It just ticks me off that Elmo is more popular than Grover. My other job was really boring, and one day I was fantasizing...
Female co-worker, interrupting: I think we've heard enough.
20890 Kenbridge Court
Lakeville, Minnesota
Overheard by: Gigi
5PM He Just Doesn't Have the Underwearwithal
Woman: I haven't talked to Henry* in a week. I'm through with him.
Man: Why? What happened?
Woman: He's sooo selfish. He took the last t-shirt out of my drawer and wore it.
Man: That's it? Dumped him over a t-shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we're through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. Infidelity I forgave, but don't take my last goddamned t-shirt out of my fuckin' drawer. Selfish!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'
Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.
Midtown
New York, New York
11AM That's My Kind of Morning Update!
Staffer #1: Well, thanks, everyone, for not telling me my fly was open.
Staffer #2: Your fly was open?
Staff #1: Yes. I just now looked down, and there it was, wide open! You didn't notice?
Staffer #2: Well, I don't spend a large portion of the day staring at your crotch.
Staffer #3: Yeah, I only do it during our morning update meetings.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM What Would Jesus Eat?
Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren't fat.
2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: in the office next door
2PM Well, You and I Could Still Meet
Manager: So, the meeting is cancelled.
Office hoochie: And I put a clean thong on for this!
1950 Broadway
Oakland, California
Overheard by: mcbutters
1PM I'm Pretty Sure Mel Gibson Has Barely Touched His Copy
Young office worker: I need some Catholic classes or something. I get all confused about the Bible characters and Jesus.
Manager: Why not go to church? Or maybe when you go to college, they'll have a Bible study. Lots of kids do that.
Young office worker: I need something before then. I need Jesus for Dummies so I can catch up!
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: the cubicle right outside
1PM It's Amazing He Can Be Such a Good Lawyer, Despite Being Blind
Female staffer #1: You know what David* said to me? He said, "In case you know anyone who's having a vasectomy, I have some advice for you to give them." And then he told me about how they gave him a jock strap to wear after his surgery to keep everything in place, but that the one they gave him was too small. And I said, "David! I don't want to hear any more!" But he kept talking about how uncomfortable it was to wear a jock strap that was too small for him after having his vasectomy. I was afraid he was going to start describing exactly how his balls were getting squeezed.
Female staffer #2: See, that's a perfect example of how David is always so passive. If he weren't so passive, he'd just say, "I want everyone to know I'm hung like a horse."
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM Two Words: Vasectomy, Vasectomy
A man holding a child's hand meets up with a woman holding another child's hand.
Man and woman, simultaneously: I thought he was with you!
Man, turning to go back inside: I told you this would happen if you let them outnumber us.
Outside Bloomingdale's, 59th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kim Siddorn
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM Aren't Asians Supposed to Be Smart?
Interviewer: Have you ever had to deal with rude or irate clients over the telephone?
Asian interviewee: Yes, at my last job I had to call the USA, and you know how rude they can be.
Interviewer: Yes, I know all too well, considering I am American and so is this company. This interview is now finished. Try not to hit my car on your way out of the parking lot...You know how Asians can't drive!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Elle (the other interviewer)
9AM The Personal Is Political
Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.
630 East Lake
Chicago, Illinois
9AM How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid's Out of Diapers
Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you'd expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma'am. Can I put you on hold?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: only hernia-ed it
5PM Your Testimony Is Highly Suspect
Designer: Here, just try it.
Writer: No.
Designer: Come on! Why are you being so stubborn?
Writer, shouting: I am not putting that in my mouth! It's all limp!
Pause.
Writer, shouting into hallway: I was talking about French fries!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
3PM And Welcome to the Federal Civil Service
Recent business school grad: You know, working for this company is not for the weak of heart. There is not a lot of recognition handed out to people.
Senior executive: Recognition? You want recognition? You are a dumbass. How's that?
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Nobody Who Says 'Languish' Would Ever Get Promoted in the US
Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What's the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you're not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you're saying you can't give me another job because you've been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.
388 George Street
Sydney, Australia
10AM If We Don't Get Married, the Terrorists Win
Female patient: Oh! You're getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you're better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.
Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York
2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!
FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.
John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Waiting next in line
4PM Some of That Is Just Normal Post-Culinary Sadness
Engineer #1: Drew*, you're having corned beef again?
Team leader: Yeah, I got a big piece of it and cooked it all at once.
Engineer #2: Did you get it at Costco? It's real cheap there.
Team leader: Yeah, but the thing that sucks is it shrinks when you put it in the oven. You're thinking you have a big piece of meat, and then you pull it out and you're all disappointed.
Deer Park, Illinois
Overheard by: office peon/cubicle monkey
3PM Those Will Cost Extra to Remove
Painter in room with painters' tape everywhere: Do you like the new colors?
Customer: I don't like the blue stripes.
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: another painter
11AM You're Fired
Woman #1: I don't think I can handle a two-hour meeting.
Woman #2: The trick is to doodle in your notebook the whole time; it looks like you're taking notes.
Woman #1: I can design outfits for my cat rodeo!
330 South 3rd Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cora
9AM Hey, That Loaf of Rye Was Totally Coming on to Me!
Boss: That's what I hate about these people who take the Bible literally: it's so pick and choose! What about all the parts where you get stoned for looking at bread the wrong way?
Print shop
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: milu
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
2PM NewsFlash: Hygiene Strikeforce Raids Filthy Apartment
Irate tenant on voicemail: I came home today, and someone was in my apartment...vacuuming...I feel so violated.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
11AM It Took a Lawsuit For the Mob to Allow Secretaries to Whack People
Female co-worker: He gets all the good assignments! I had to spell. He gets to shoot people!
9th Street
Sheldon, Iowa
5PM His Desk Plate Says 'I'd Rather Be Blistered'
Guy #1: Give me a break. I've been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I've been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that's too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.
469 7th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM You Can Feel the Silent Pressure of Her Presence on the Line, Though
Supervisor: She always answers the phone. It's just she forgets to talk.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
1PM Well, It's a Huge Job to Turn the Glass Around
Five maintenance engineers stand staring at a window with rain pouring down on the inside of the glass.
Engineer: If we all knew about this, why didn't we fix it?
6th and Sycamore
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Alice
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
4PM And Susan Was Maimed. Isn't That Great?
Boss: I wouldn't even be able to kill myself right today. I'd screw it up.
Employee: If it makes you feel better I knocked myself unconscious this weekend.
Boss: Yeah, actually, it does.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
12PM Yes, Matt Lauer Says the Same Thing
Male customer: Well, we're definitely interested. We'll be back this week to make the purchase.
Sales chick: It was a pleasure to meet you. My name is Katie.
Female customer: Oh, Katie. We'll remember that name!
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, whispering: Katie is the name of my "other" personality.
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, turning to male customer: Katie is not very nice, is she, darling?
Male customer: No, dear, she's not.
Northridge, California
Overheard by: charlotte
4PM What Early Urkel Exposure Does to Ghetto Children
Thug #1: Yo, man, this place is lined up!
Thug #2: Yo, this place got more lines than algebra class.
Thug #1: Man, this place prob'ly got more signs in it.
Thug #2: Fo' sho'. It prob'ly got more cosines in it, too.
Coliseum Ottawa, 3090 Carling Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Beth
3PM Down Syndrome, My Ass. Get Out There and Work That Backhand!
Tennis instructor to day-campers: You were special last year. You are not special anymore. If you still suck this year, leave these courts.
Birchwood Swim & Tennis Club
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: rachel kieffer
1PM The Ability to Arrive at a Logical Conclusion Is Not Widely Distributed in the Population
Girl #1: There is so much secondhand smoke here that it's going to kill us eventually.
Girl #2: That's for sure!
Girl #1: It's okay, though. I have life insurance.
Local bar
Burlington, North Carolina
Overheard by: Bartender Snickering Nearby
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
4PM What if Your Kid's Hungover?
Co-Worker #1: Kids are just a built in excuse to call in sick. If Carl* can call in because his kid is sick, I should be able to call in sick because I'm hungover.
Co-Worker #2: Wouldn't that be every day then?
Co-Worker #1: No, I mean too hungover to work.
Highways 7 and 78
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: steak of life
1PM Cat Burglars and Ninjas Have Ruined Blackness For Everyone
Black guy: What would you say if I said I wanted to get a Mystic Tan?
Tanning consultant: Oh, you could. It would give you a nice glow.
Black guy: You're not even going to discourage me?! I would never get a spray on tan. The blacker you are, the higher people assume your crime rate is.
North 222 Plaza
Reading, Pennsylvania
12PM Performance Review Time at the CIA
General manager: I told you to respect your boss. I didn't tell you to obey her orders.
230 North College Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM I Know the Perfect Position For You!
Employee #1: I don't know how you got a better review than you did last year.
Employee #2: Yeah, me either.
Employee #1: You know, I really only get about 50% out of you each day.
Employee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usually less.
Employee #1: Wouldn't it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Employee #2: Probably, but I really just don't feel like it.
901 Warrenville Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Recovering Workaholic
12PM Guy's a Total Psycho. I Broke up With Him Months Ago, But He Won't Stop Calling.
Intern, answering phone: Good afternoon, Science Committee...Mike*, Buzz Aldrin is on the line.
Mike*, rolling his eyes: Oh shit.
Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC
5PM And the Smell of Pending Litigation
Electrician: I think I may have made a mistake.
Owner of office: Ya think so? What gave it away, the flames?
528 Newtown Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
2PM All Hell Broke Loose When She Caught Him Reading the Jolly Rancher Label
Mom, to young child: That's just more junk. I'm not going to buy you something to write with. How 'bout I get you some candy instead?
Dollar store
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: it's not all like this
4PM This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up
British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it's gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I'm sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can't say cock like that. I shouldn't hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how's this: Fuck off.
1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
10AM He'd Rather Do It Avocationally
Manager: Why do they send so much of this stock? It's never gonna sell. What bunch of arseholes thought this up at head office?
Peon: This is really getting to you, isn't it? I get the feeling you applied for a job there, and they turned you down.
Manager: A job at head office? No thanks, I've no desire to be an arsehole for a living.
Peon: But you'd be so good at it.
4 The Sidings
Lincoln, United Kingdom
3PM They Both Felt It Was Time For a Starter Marriage
Hostess: I don't know why they're getting married. They don't even have kids!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
9AM Or Close Enough. It's Not Really Super Important.
VP: Well, we'll just keep compromising until we reach mediocrity.
139 Townsend
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Amy
5PM Why Night Guy Volunteered to Work Nights
Boss: Why didn't you build those three displays last night?
Night guy: I couldn't find the stuff to do it with.
Boss, going back and pointing to the only three pallets of stuff in the back room: This is the stuff you couldn't find all night?
Night guy: You should have put in my note that I should look harder.
Albertson's
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Bill
4PM And I Wrote It in the Funbag Programming Language
Engineer #1: What the hell were you thinking when you wrote this code?
Engineer #2: Boobs.
Engineer #1: Huh?!
Engineer #2: Truthfully, it's likely I was thinking about boobs.
Columbia, Maryland
2PM Paging Keith Richards...
Mother: I think Grandma Olson has a little bit of a cirrhosis thing going on.
Little girl: Why's that?
Mother: Because Grandma Olson drinks much, much, much more than-
Little girl: -Than grandpa?
Mother: Than anyone in the world.
120 Kellogg Boulevard
St. Paul, Minnesota
12PM Dear Diary, If I Can Just Drink Less at Lunch, She Will Be Mine
Contracts officer: Frankly, I think she'll be tickled shitless...I could have said she'd be shittled titless, but I thought that would be offensive.
HR lady: This meeting has now offically gone on too long.
1010 North Glebe Road
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Dear World, I'm Killing Myself at This Time to Inconvenience Cousin Bob
Co-Worker: My cousin died in a car accident yesterday.
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry.
Co-Worker: Yeah. The funeral is Saturday in St. Louis.
Boss: Will you be going?
Co-Worker: Oh no! That's not enough time for me to get everything around and make it down there! I mean, maybe if they had given me a week's notice...
Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training
Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.
Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan
Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me
12PM No, He's Reading Too Loud
Children's librarian: Do you mind?
Chick with breast exposed, nursing her baby: I'm sorry, is he sucking too loud?
York County Library
Rock Hill, South Carolina
4PM And That Uzi? What Were You Thinking?
Co-worker, on phone with 9-year-old son: I'm not happy with you. I heard you were a bad boy at camp. They told me you hit one of the other kids with a golf club. You shouldn't do that. You could hurt someone.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
3PM Memo to All Staff: There Will Be a Meeting to Discuss What Can be Done to Curtail the Number of Meetings
Office grunt #1: I hate all these fucking meetings!
Office grunt #2: Didn't you set this meeting up?
Office grunt #1: Yeah, but that's not the point.
Oil company office
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Lara
9AM The Best Way to Try Something New Is to Maintain at Least a Little Connection to the Familiar
Girl #1: You know that gay guy that works second shift?
Girl #2: Yeah, what about him?
Girl #1: I took him out to meet all my hetero friends, and they enjoyed the shit out of him.
2800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: snorted my diet mountain dew
12PM How Does Me Killing You and Assuming Your Identity Sound?
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith's* estate tax return! Why didn't you tell me to check my inbox?? There's all kinds of stuff in there that hasn't gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don't happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you'll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She's Not Psychic
5PM In Death Everyone Gets a Little Classier
Laywer: So you were locked in a room that had a gas leak?
Client: Yeah. Man, we was trying to get out quick as we could. I mean, if we didn't make it out when we did, we could've been sophisticated!
Lawyer: Asphyxiated?
Client: Whatever.
Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM He's an Art Teacher
Co-Worker: I sent out the class rosters for summer term to all the faculty and got an e-mail back from one guy wanting to know why he can't find his name on the list. Because it's the list of his students! How did he get to be a teacher!?
1400 Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The Temp
10AM Or Maybe Stop By and Start a Fire
Co-Worker #1: I was just over at [your new boss]'s office, and the first thing I noticed was that it's really quiet over there!
Co-Worker #2: Oh, I know.
Co-Worker #1: No, really, you're going to go crazy! It was almost nine o'clock, and nobody was talking! You'll have to play yourself some music or something.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: So I decided what I'll do is call you sometimes and just yell over the phone!
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
4PM Thank God I Have This NyQuil in My Desk
Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don't open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that's retarded. Haven't they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?
37 West 20 Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: shenanigan
10AM Next You'll Be Reading Our Subpoenas and Overdue Bills
Young boy: Mom! We've been in line for a really long time!!
Mother: No, not really. Stop complaining.
Young boy: Yes we have! We got here at 10:00, and it's almost 12:30!!
Mother: Damn the public school system for teaching you how to tell time.
Petco
Enfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Dark_Kitty
12PM No One Intelligent Gets Married
Clerk #1: My nephew is getting married, and his mother is not happy.
Clerk #2: Why's that?
Clerk #1: Well she is Mexican, Italian or maybe from India. I don't know. They just don't like her. He's really intelligent, but they're worried about him quitting college now.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: unbelievable
11AM Really, Even a Creek Will Get You If You're Careless or Stupid
Guy in cubicle #1: What are you doing?
Guy in cubicle #2: Looking at rivers that can kill ya!
349 Mitchell Street
Groton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Livonthedge
4PM Yep, PDA's Are Definitely What's Going to Precipitate the Second Coming
Older black lady, at a young couple kissing and groping in a line of people waiting to pay their power bills: What the hell is wrong with these peoples? Jesus needs to come down and knock some damn sense into their stupid motherfucking ass.
Nevada Power Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Annmarie
2PM Donated By Public-Spirited Clitizens
Librarian #1: Take a look at these new book donations that just came in.
Librarian #2: Oh, it's just a bunch of Chick Lick; we don't want it.
Librarian #1: Don't you mean Chick Lit?
Librarian #2: I stand by my statement.
501 Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
10AM I Still Have Trouble Believing in Star Jones!
Disenchanted woman: One of my colleagues just began a sentence with "Star Jones says." I can't fucking believe I work here.
Oxnard Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Brokeass Harem
9AM Any Time There's No One Else in the Building, That Is
Supervisor: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to keep this door to the hallway open.
Temp: But it's so noisy out there.
Supervisor: I'm sorry, but we like to have an open door policy. If you want, you can come talk to me about it privately at any time.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: a different temp
4PM How About 'Don't You Wish Your Savior Was Hot Like Me'?
Blocked writer: Do you know how hard it is to write a useful, edifying sermon when you've got "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" stuck in your head?
1701 Delancey
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Anne-Cara
10AM Nothing Says Romance Like Suicide While Fleeing the Law
Guy: I always thought we would go out Thelma and Louise style when we were both in our 90's.
Girl: That sounds about right.
Guy: I'm going to move that up about 60 years if this meeting doesn't end soon.
32 Washington Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I agree
9AM Secretary: I Thought You Only Get Fired If You Wear It
Director: If I mail underwear, I'll get fired.
Direct mail department of a conservative Catholic organization
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Chuckles to Himself
2PM The Riddle of the Sphincter
Walking man: Hey, John.
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What?
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What are you, five? This is a professional office.
Sitting man: You fell for it.
Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Dennis Carroll
12PM Anyway, Meeting's Cancelled; Wanna Go Looting?
Flood vic #1: So I said to my boss, "I won't be able to make the meeting in NYC, because my house is flooded and I had to evacuate."
Flood vic #2: So what did she say?
Flood vic #1: She said that she was stressed out about having to cancel the meeting and incoveniencing the people in NYC.
Flood shelter cot
Overheard by: sitting on a cot waiting for Noah.
10AM We Need More Support Staff
20-something woman: Just when I get my desk cleaned up, someone comes and dumps a pile of bras on it.
36th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM And What With UPN Off the Air...
Employee: I'm tired of seeing movies that are just, like, The Adventures of White People.
Kane Hall, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Anonymous
5PM I Heard Otherwise From the Last Guy Who Filled Your Cocoa Slot
Worker #1: They're out of orange juice again.
Worker #2: Yeah, and they haven't refilled the cocoa slot, either.
Worker #1: They're also out of Dr. Pepper.
Worker #3: Well, you could just have the Diet Dr. Pepper.
Worker #1: I'm not an animal!
1166 Sixth Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Over Six Million Sold
Copywriter: How about 'Widget* is your final solution for packaging needs'?
Copyeditor: I think we should use any other description.
Copywriter: Why? Does it not make sense?
Copyeditor: Only if you're not talking about the Holocaust.
4th and Congress
Austin, Texas
3PM Personally, I Prefer To Languish in the Hedge of Suspicion
Supervisor: You just blew a perfect opportunity to lie and get back into the trust tree.
500 North Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dave
1PM And I Really Only Need a Few Extra...for the Organs
CFO: Some days I'm amazed at your talent. Other days I just feel like I have forty extra children.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I Find If I Don't Make Plans for the Weekend, I Just Sit Around and Watch TV
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I've had, I'm getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
2PM That's What the Cargo Pockets are For
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
12PM I Have Plans for My In-Box Which I Am Not at Liberty to Reveal
Employee: Your in-box is not intended to be a point on the Bermunda Triangle.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM Anyway, I Already Ate Peter's Foot Skin
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
5PM They Had a Lot of Trouble with their Significant Figures
Coworker: I have one word for this project: absolutely ridiculous.
111 Huntington
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Mine Shoots Way Up When People Chew on My Nipples
Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it's just fine. Thanks.
Dentist winces.
Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.
105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia
2PM So THAT's How It Is In Their Family
Nurse on phone: I'm sorry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you... Uh huh... Well, we can't make a patient talk to someone on the phone... I'm sorry, that's what she said. You're her husband, right? Oh, you're her mother! Just a moment, please.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM I Banged Them Both, Though.
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Lunch
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: Don't interrupt me now, interrupt me when I am finished!
1200 10th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama
3PM Paternity Leave
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Internal Memo
Coworker: Not only am I an asshole here, I'm an asshole at home, too!
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
1PM Refueling
Power broker #1: Two large cappuccinos.
Cashier: Thank you. That will be $4.50.
Power broker #1: Where's the cinnamon?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we're out of cinnamon.
Power broker #1: Then I don't want it!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Power broker #2: Okay, let's just bring it back to the office.
Power broker #1: No! Just give me my money back. I can't drink the foamy milk without the cinnamon.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mark
12PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are we collecting for?
Employee #2: Shelly* crashed her car and we are helping her out.
Employee #1: What? Has she never heard of insurance? Uh uh, I ain't putting in!
1046 George Town
Grand Cayman
Overheard by: not throwing in either
2PM Waiting Room
Girl #1: I use the pull and pray method.
Girl #2: Girl, pull and pray...they never do it. It doesn't work.
Girl #1: Yes it does! It just doesn't work ninety percent of the time.
45 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: not dating either of them
1PM Dessert
Boss: Never put two cranky diabetics in the same room together. All you'll get is '"fuck this," "shit this," and "blood sugar that!"
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
2PM Sexual Harassment
Secretary: So, the next time you shut the door to take one of your sex calls, I'm going to nail it closed!
311 Main Road
Point Mugu, California
Overheard by: mookie
3PM Slush Pile
HR manager: God, I hate it when you bring me that junk!
Admin: These are people's resumes.
HR manager: Fine, shove your junk in my box.
Admin: Excuse me?
HR manager: Just leave it in my box. I'll throw it away in the morning.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
1PM Business Casual
T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever's been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.
2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California
Overheard by: daimaoh
11AM Ergonomics Seminar
HR clerk: Maureen* broke another chair. Should I order her another chair designed for a person over three hundred pounds, or should I order an even stronger chair?
Manager: No! I am going to tell the maintenance guys to put her desk up on blocks! Then, I am going to tell Maureen that her job description has changed! She is now required to stand up to do her job!
[manager leaves]
HR clerk: Well, it is not going to be me that tells him that one of the toilets in the women's restroom is broken.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: She was such a bitch to me for no reason! I think I'm beginning to hate people.
Coworker #2: You used to like people before working here? That's so freakin' cute!
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: I Heart Condescension
3PM Bake Sale
Teacher #1: What are they raising all this money for?
Teacher #2: For this lady in the cleaning crew. Apparently, her purse was stolen and she lost nine hundred bucks that she was planning to send home to her family in Mexico.
Teacher #1: Where's my nine hundred bucks? Since I started working here, I lost everything.
444 Pleasantville Road
Briarcliff Manor, New York
11AM Smoke Break
Bookseller: I cleaned up all the damn puppets. All of them! Then, watched as a father allowed his children to throw all of them on the floor, play for an hour, then leave them. He grinned at me, said 'Kids, right?', then left. It took all I had not to tear that grin off his face, and shove it so far up his fucking ass that I could then reattach it backwards...Wow, four hours really is too long to go without a cigarette!
Cashier: That was the best image I've had all day. Go smoke so that I can savor it alone.
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Laughing coworker
3PM Benefits Summary
Female: My nipples are boring.
Male: Does our insurance cover that?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Lunch
Lunchbreaker: Do you want half my cheeseburger?
Worker: No.
Lunchbreaker: Oh, d'oh. I forgot.
Worker: If I'm going to eat meat again, I wanna eat a slab of beef that is over thirty dollars. I want to make sure that when I'm in the bathroom with cramps, that it is worth it.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Maternity Leave
Worker: What's up with Charlotte*? Is she okay?
Supervisor: I honestly don't know.
Worker: When I was pregnant, I worked all the way up 'til I dropped the load, and then I came back. Kids these days...
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: I was on time every day this week.
Employee #2: What? No way. You? Please, you're always late.
Employee #1: No, seriously.
Employee #2: Dude, weren't you late today? You're always late on Fridays.
Employee #1: I got here at 8:35 but normally I show up at 9am, so I wasn't late today.
Employee #2: 8:35 is late. Everyone else shows up at 8.
Employee #1: I have to take my daughter to school so that's why I'm typically late...but um...her school's out now for the summer so...yeah, I just forgot to set my alarm.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM Shift Scheduling
Nurse #1: We're short today, and so everyone is supposed to get one extra patient.
Nurse #2: I hate patients.
8260 Atlee Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
10AM Guided Practice
Student: Crap, I don't know how to start.
Teacher: I can't help you.
Student: Why not?
Teacher: If I knew this kind of crap do you think I'd be working at this ghetto school?
1133 Mission
Oceanside, California
4PM Brainstorming Session
New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we're into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: "Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!" They told me I couldn't do that. But it would have been effective!
75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: If she had been paying attention, she would have caught that.
Coworker #2: Does she know to look for it?
Coworker #1: No, she doesn't know enough to look for it. I'm not ready to show her that, yet.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
11AM Checking Gmail
Intern at computer, to self: I gotta get out of this relationship. She's sending me pictures of jewelry.
3330 Founders Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Ops Meeting
Operations manager: We have to work on communication. We are not communicating with each other. It's a fault of everybody's, not to say it's a fault, but it is a weakness -- not just of mine but of everyone's. Maybe not a weakness so much as a failing.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
3PM Covering All the Bases
Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It's mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it's like how blow-dryer labels say "do not put in mouth while in use." Not like it's a pressing issue, but there's always that one retard that's gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh...sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I'm getting this.
777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California
Overheard by: Max Guevara
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
3PM Breakroom
Customer service clerk #1: Whew! It stinks in here. Did the bug exterminator guy spray for bugs in here today?
Customer service clerk #2: No, one of the sales reps just walked through. You are smelling salesman cologne.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Facilities Issues
HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!
4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal
1PM Meeting Prep
Passing hallway drone: You're so far off from being okay that I don't even know where to begin.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
10AM Picking Up Printouts
Office manager: I finally got pants on my monkey. But his tail won't go through the hole.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Attorney: This work shit has got to stop. It's really bringing me down.
301 Merritt Seven
Norwalk, Connecticut
3PM Team-Building Activities
Paralegal: I hate looking at his face. Ruins my whole day.
Secretary: I know. I want to throw my shoe at him or something.
Paralegal: Ok, but can you make sure I'm there to see it?
overheard by: their boss
100 F Street
Washington, DC
4PM Smoke Break
Overlord: It's just like "Devil Went Down to Georgia" -- the devil clearly wins but, they try to sell it like Johnny did.
Underling #1: Oh, yeah, the devil clearly wins.
Underling #2: No, it's about the fiddle playing, you can't bring the band of demons into the mix. Johnny wins on fiddle playing.
Underling #1: I can see what you're saying but, the devil's flash takes it.
Overlord: Right, the groove is undeniable.
Underling #2: You know what, let's not have this discussion again. I don't want to be mad on a Friday afternoon.
2525 State Road
Bensalem, Pennsylvania
2PM Straightening Up
At the end of Take Your Kids to Work Day...
Bruno*: Everything is askew! Where's my weedbag? I've got some quarters missing. Damn thieving kids.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Lunch
Attorney's wife: I'm getting so fat.
Attorney: You're not fat.
Attorney's wife: Aw, well...
Attorney interrupts: You're old. You just look fat.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
10AM Call Center
CSR: Seriously, when you think you've gotten the weirdest call you could get...someone calls about a conch shell.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Lindroid
4PM Smoke Break
Coworker: When you were younger, growing up in Mexico, you hated America because they had everything. You guys had everything. Then you grew up and you realized "the Joneses" were living right next to you and your parents were just poor.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Between Meetings
Suit #1: Whenever it rains, you come to work wearing plastic pants. Why do you get to wear plastic pants? My boss wouldn't let me wear plastic pants.
"Suit" #2: If you could do what I can do, you could wear plastic pants, too.
4 Irving Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Lunch
Engineer: So, did you enjoy your Cinco de Mayo?
Secretary: Um. I was in Rhode Island for the weekend...
Engineer: Yeah, so?
Secretary: Ever been?
Engineer: Yeah, couple of times... what's your point?
Secretary: Heh. Rhode Island is like the white-bread capital, at least the part where I go is.
Engineer: Okaayyy... so there was no Cinco de Mayo celebration?
Secretary: Dude, lemme put it this way for ya: It's so damn white up there, they have white gardeners. Mexicans are like freakin' nonexistant up there. And don't even get me started on the nonexistance of black people. Hell, the last time I saw a black person while I was up there was the one we brought with us. . .and she kept singin' "Massa got me workin'" just to freak the rest of the whities out.
One Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: *snicker*
11AM Personal Call
Coworker: Quit calling me at work, grandma!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Ok. Since it seems like [Dougie] doesn't want to be a part of the team and show up for meetings, [Steve], from now on, when you send out meeting requests, make sure the invitation is sent to him personally.
[Steve]: So basically, I should click a few more times to enable this otherwise unacceptable behavior?
Manager: Right.
[Steve]: Got it.
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: I am going to come in on Monday and tell [Dave] to shove it.
Coworker #2: Do I even want to know why?
Coworker #1: I'm going to win the lottery this weekend. Fifty-six million dollars!
Coworker #2: If I win the lottery, I will go around running into every person in Houston who has ever cut me off! And those that come out of the parking lot right when the light turns green and then cross all three lanes in front of everyone, I'm just gonna floor it...
Coworker #1: Uh, I was just talking about not having to work for a while.
2875 Antoine
Houston, Texas
4PM System Diagnostics
Coworker: Apparently somebody took the RAM out of my computer and replaced it with crap.
3 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, California
3PM Snack Run
Girl: I'm going to the store. Do you want anything?
Guy #1: Yeah, can you get me a Dr. Brown's black cherry soda?
Girl: Ok.
Guy #1, holding out cash: Here.
Girl: What's that?
Guy #2: It's called money. What? It's been so long since you seen it, you don't recognize it! Damn, next time hand her some post-it notes and let her be on her merry way!
250 West 30th Street
New York, New York
2PM Project Meeting
Manager: How are we supposed to get any work done if all of our developers keep getting sucked off?
4740 44th Avenue SW
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: g-man
3PM Slushie Run
Coworker#1: Okay, I'm back.
Coworker#2: Where did you go?
Coworker#3: We went to get a slushie.
Coworker#2: What? Where's mine?
Coworker#1: You didn't say you wanted one.
Coworker#2: Well, must my slushie needs be known to everyone? I just can't believe you went without even asking me.
Coworker#3: How is she supposed to know if you wanted a slushie?
Coworker#2: I always ask her if she wants one when I go. I even give her money if she wants one. Oh, and look now. Now your're drinking it in front of me.
Coworker #1: Dude! You never said you wanted one. You even saw me walk out. Do you even want one?
Coworker# 2: No, I'm fine.
19219 N 4th Street
Covington, Louisiana
12PM Lunch
Developer: "I'm sorry I gave you herpes." They have a card for everything.
8920 Pershall Avenue
Hazelwood, Missouri
10AM Coffee Break
Employee is showing off her new belly-dancing outfit.
Supervisor: So, you're really going to belly-dance in public?
Employee: Yeah!
Supervisor: I never really liked going to strip clubs when I was younger.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Overheard by: I love this place!
5PM That's a Wrap
Telemarketing lady: There'll be no laughing in this office. That's right, no levitation.
121 Monmouth Street
Red Bank, NJ
Overheard by: Heidi Schwartz
3PM Get Answers
Manager on phone: So I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to hate me for not knowing the answer. [pause] That was below the belt. [pause] It's child protection. [pause] Annnyways, I was wondering...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Filing
Boss: All of these folders need to be filed right away, but I can't trust the desk guys to do it.
Tutor #1: Isn't that their job?
Boss: Yes, but they need to be filed alphabetically, and they can't do that.
Tutor #1: They can't file alphabetically?
Boss: Apparently not. [Tutor #2] spent two hours yesterday trying to put everything back in order.
Tutor #2, breaking into laughter: Is that what you thought I was doing? Shit!
Boss: What were you doing, then?
Tutor #2: I dropped my ring in the drawer, and I had to take out all the folders to find it! It took forever, too.
Boss: Did you at least put them back alphabetically when you were done?
Tutor $2: Are you on crack? That's the desk guy's job!
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
9AM Back to Work
Matthew McConaughey's mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.
Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe... don't you know who I am?
Matthew: You people bring me down.
Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas
10AM Under Sales Goal
Salesman: Yeah, I'm fucking fed up with that guy. He hasn't sent in his reports for weeks. Just keeps flying out to Texas. What the fuck are we paying him for, anyway?
Manager: Texas? What's he doing in Texas?
Salesman: Oh, apparently his dad died or something.
3000 Birch
Brea, California
1PM Meeting on Meetings
Program manager: I think we should adopt the behaviours from the charter for meetings of the [Partnerships] section. [Steven], why don't you read them out?
[Steven]: Respect other's opinions and feelings, stay focused, turn off mobile phones, question self before others, participate enthusiastically and share experience and knowledge, have some fun....
Employee: Anyone telling me to have some fun at meetings better think again.
Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Ness
12PM Lunch
Accountant: This chicken [Sue] brought in is yummy. I'm just going to take a break to eat it here rather than take it back to my desk. I don't trust myself not to get my paperwork all greasy.
Supervisor: That's why I'm going to make a sandwich out of it.
Secretary: Oh, I don't care about greasy fingers. All I do is handle incoming checks all day.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
9AM Back to Work
Data center drone: God! I hate sharing workstations with the night shift. Every day when I come in, my chair smells like ass and the desk smells like armpit. Doesn't [Tim] ever take a bath?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
12PM Lunch
RVP: Hey, I thought you were out sick today.
Sales manager: Nope, I was just tired.
RVP: [peeved] Nice.
Sales manager: Hey, you brought me here for my brutal honesty.
8833 W. Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
9AM Back to Work
Soldiers are doing push-ups on frost-covered grass.
Soldier #1: Man, it's cold! I can't feel my hands!
Soldier #2: I can't feel my testicles.
Soldier #3: My testicles are all crawled up inside my body...so snug...and so warm...
Soldier #4: I wish I was a testicle.
Soccer field #3
Fort Eustis, Virginia
3PM On-the-Job Training
Assistant: Hey, I couldn't figure out how to put it into Word from Excel. So here you go.
Boss: You just cut and paste it.
Assistant: But you can't do that from Excel to Word, it won't let you.
Boss: Yes, you can, just right-click and copy and paste it.
Assistant: Trust me, I just spent the whole morning trying to, it's a locked document.
Boss: OK, 1947 called, and they want their technology ability back. What's wrong with you? Hey, who hired you again?
300 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cam
11AM Reception
Co-worker #1: Have you seen [Amy]?
Secretary: Not in the past several minutes.
Co-worker #1: I hope she hurries up. I have to study for a test and my boss is breathing down my neck.
Co-worker #2: Hey! How are you?
Co-worker #1: I'd be better if [Amy] would hurry up and get here. I have a boss waiting on me and stuff I have to do.
Elevator dings. All look expectantly toward elevator, hoping to see [Amy]. Someone else comes out.
All in unison, disappointedly: Awww.
Paranoid co-worker #3: What? What did I do?
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Number Crunching
Co-worker: Seriously y'all, if people don't start getting my Kennedy assassination references I'm just going to have to leave Accounting.
305 South Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
Broker #1: Why is she laughing?
Broker #2: She already told you -- she thinks it's funny to buy gag candy and make everyone in the office fart.
Broker #1 laughs.
Broker #2: I mean, she's so young. We all want to kill the other people in the office and she just wants to make them fart.
Broker #1: Look at her, she's still laughing.
Broker #2: Ah, youth. All they do is giggle.
399 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: LH
2PM Cover Shoot
Photographer: You can't just leave and not tell anyone. You guys left and no one was here to help.
First assistant: Look, I'm sick of you bitching at me about this petty bullshit. Don't talk to me unless you've got something important to say.
Second assistant: Mom and Dad are fighting again.
2616 Industrial Row Road
Troy, Michigan
1PM Making Copies
Secretary: Why are these reports formatted so weird?
Boss: Well, because the Germans made them. Those Germans are weird.
Secretary: Hey, now... Be careful, I'm German.
Boss: Uh oh, you're not a lesbian too, are you?
Secretary: Well, I'm not really German.
Main Street Financial Office
East Hartford, Connecticut
12PM Lunch
Boss: She's just too crazy for me. She's...what's the word? Phonetic!
Associate: She sounds things out?
480 San Antonio
Mountain View, California
3PM Tea Run
Admin #1: Without extremes, normalcy wouldn't exist.
Admin #2: Wow, we're getting heavy now.
Admin #3: Back from tour one day, and you're already waxing poetic?
Admin #1: Wait, isn't that what fractals and Jurassic Park are about?
Admin #2 & 3: What?
Admin #1: Extremes, fractals and Jurassic Park. Wasn't anyone a nerd like me?
Admin #2: Um, no.
3 Lafayette Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
1PM Customer Visit
Customer: I don't understand why you can't keep up with production.
Program manager: You aren't following the rules. You are running twice the daily quoted volumes.
Customer: But we are still under the yearly volumes. You just need to plan better.
Program manager: I can't just shit capacity out of my ass!
5540 Parque Industrial
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
10AM Coffee Break
The day after the company picnic. . .
Female clerk #1: Was that the new guy playing volleyball? You know the one that keeps trying to adjust his hours.
Manager: Maybe he just needs to wear a jock strap all the time.
Female clerk #2: Adjust his hours! His schedule! Everything is code for crotch to you!
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
3PM Conference Call
Guy on phone: We got new digs over here! Yeah, we moved out of the building with all the hot woman and into a big corporate building!
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: I just can't get enough sleep. My mom wakes me up yelling that I get too much sleep, then I drive to work and almost fall asleep!
Co-worker #2: Uh huh.
Co-worker #1: Doesn't she understand I need my sleep? She's driving me crazy.
Co-worker #3 [from down the hall]: Why don't you go to bed earlier, when she puts your jammies out?
6200 Savoy Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Frankendude
4PM Staff Meeting
Drone: With all the cutbacks, re-orgs and layoffs, what is management doing to keep up morale?
Manager: It's called a paycheck. You know, that thing that magically appears in your bank account every month? That is your motivation. Any more questions?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
3PM Out for Some Fresh Air
Courtyard dweller #1: I am not sure I should hire him.
Courtyard dweller #2: Why? He seems cool enough.
Courtyard dweller #1: I asked him what he was listening to on his iPod when he walked in.
Courtyard dweller #2: Yeah, and?
Courtyard dweller #1: He was listening to Celine Dion.
Courtyard dweller #2: Enough said.
10050 Wolfe Road
Cupertino, California
11AM Tech Services
Director: Here's the travel laptop I'm returning. Can you delete some of the files I put on there?
IT Manager: Yeah, sure, I'll clean it out. I better not find any pubic hairs stuck in the keyboard.
1100 L Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Attorney #1: I stepped on a baby bird this morning on the way into the courthouse.
Attorney #2: The jokes are right. We don't have souls.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy in elevator: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say, "You have no personal power!"
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
4PM Customer Service Call
A customer is on speakerphone.
Customer: Which one is the spacebar?
Co-worker: How can you not know where the spacebar is?
Customer: I'm not good with computers.
Co-worker: But you've used a typewriter before, haven't you?
Customer: Yeah, so?
460 Hillside Avenue
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
2PM Staffing Up
Boss: I need to hire someone, but I need that person to be unexperienced, so that they don't stupidly think they know what they are doing here before I train them.
Underling: Wait, then why did you hire me? I knew what I was doing when I started here.
Boss: You are the reason I now require people to be unexperienced. I couldn't train the arrogance and stupidity out of you.
800 East, Utah State University
Logan, Utah
Overheard by: tm
10AM Coffee Break
Guy: The worst part of being a corrections officer is when the prisoners want to fight you.
Suit: Yeah, that seems like it would be dangerous.
Guy: No, it's just that I hate the paperwork.
327 Lakeshore Drive East
Dunkirk, New York
4PM Filing Frenzy
Police sergeant: Have you done those sexual child abuse talks at the school yet?
Civilian employee: Yes, and several of the children need to file a report.
Police sergeant: Great! Now we have more work. Whose idea was it to do those talks?
8620 California Avenue
South Gate, California
1PM Running Diagnostics, Part 2
Assistant #1: Did you get out for lunch today?
Assistant #2: I did! It was so nice out I didn't want to come back.
Assistant #1: I think we should all get medals for making it back to work after lunch
Assistant #3: Or a straightjacket.
345 Park Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Smoke Break
Brit #1: What the fuck is her problem anyway?
Brit #2: She's doing that thing.
Brit #1: What thing?
Brit #2: That Canadian thing where they pretend to be all nice because they're from Canada when really, [putting on Canadian accent] they're just, like, totally backstabbing dipshits, eh?' I mean what kind of idiots would settle in a place where it hits minus 30, anyway?
V Parku
Prague, Czech Republic
4PM Checking Off the To-do List
Co-worker #1: [Sneeze]
Co-worker #2: Bless you
Co-worker #1: Thank you. [Sneeze]
Co-worker #2: Bless you
Co-worker #1: Thank you. [Sneeze]
Co-worker #2: Stop that!
Co-worker #1: Thank you.
1065 Williams Street
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Lunch
African-American co-worker to Caucasian co-worker: You just walked a block through the ghetto to get some chicken? Did you get a five-piece and some biscuits? That's so black of you.
1555 Central Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Worker: I like my shirt, but I’m afraid my boobs are going to fall out. Which would be fine somewhere else, but not here. That’s how I feel about all my clothes: "great for not here."
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Kinda ridiculous that a George Foreman mini-grill is able to take down power for half of the floor.
Employee #2: Dude, you're grilling in the office and you're going to talk about what's ridiculous?
1899 L Street NW
Washington, DC
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Thanks for the coffee. You didn't pee in it or anything, right?
Employee #2: Oh my god, you are like my freaking wife!
101 15th Street
San Francisco, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How do people get mirrors to stay on the ceiling?
Co-worker #2: Not sure.
Co-worker #3: We used rubber cement. We put up a few four foot square mirrors, without frames.
Co-worker #1: Rubber cement? Did it hold good?
Co-worker #3: They've stayed up for four years, but my husband is too afraid to have sex without being covered with a blanket. He thinks they might fall and cut his dick off.
4150 Belden Village Street NW
North Canton, Ohio
Overheard by: Kyosho
12PM Call Clients
Portfolio Manager: She's pissed that I didn't sell the stock before it
went down.
Trader: Don't you know that you are supposed to know when that's gonna
happen?
Portfolio Manager: I guess not...
1900 East Ninth Street
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Send Out Faxes
Assistant #1: I just accidentally punched that girl in the head by the fax machine.
Assistant #2: Good.
Assistant #1: Yeah, but then she said "Ow" all drawn out and gave me a nasty look.
Assistant #2: What a bitch.
Assistant #1: Quit squatting by the fax machine and I won't punch you in the head.
233 Spring Street
New York, NY
10AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Boy, you look tired...
Project Manager: Yeah, it's been hectic. I need some of that geico balboa stuff.
Worker #1: Uh, ginko bilboa?
Project Manager: That's what I said.
Worker #1: No, you said "geico balboa".
Project Manager: What's the difference?
Worker #1: Well, Geico is an insurance company, and Balboa is Rocky the boxer's--as in the movie--last name.
Project Manager: Ha! I wonder if he gets a hard time for that.
Worker #1: He's not a real person. Besides, I think what you meant was you needed some ginseng. Do you know what ginko bilboa is for?
Worker #2: Okay, seriously, how long is this meeting going to be?
6700 Hollister Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Damien Sebastiani
4PM Staff Meeting
Manager: We need to be ducked-rowed here as there will be a lot of scrutiny given we've had the opportunity to reoutlook the schedule twice now and yet the schedule continues to slip.
229 8th Street SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
9AM Back to Work
Nurse: Is that a paper clip in your hair?
Receptionist: Yeah, I couldn't find a bobby pin
Nurse: God, you're such a secretary.
800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: killerboots
3PM Smoke Break
Banker: Yeah, he's losin' his eyesight...He can barely see now. He's got that immaculate degeneration or whatever it's called. But he still builds things with power tools. It's pretty amazing...but kinda scary.
200 Nationwide Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Okay, I'm sending a trouble ticket up for investigation on that for you. Here's the ticket number in case you want to call and yell at us.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
4PM Smoke Break
Employee #1: Stop flinging eyedrops on me!
Employee #2: I am trying to exorcise the demons in you.
Bldg 5302 Sparkman Circle
Redstone Arsenal, Alabama
4PM Interviews for Jack's Replacement
Co-worker #1: Now I feel bad about us putting those moving boxes in his cube the other day.
Co-worker #2: Why? he thought it was funny at the time.
2401 Utah Ave South
Seattle, Washington
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: This has high-fructose corn syrup.
Worker #2: So you're drinking colored sugar water.
Worker #1: This doesn't even contain water.
Worker #2: What's the first ingredient?
Worker #1: Oh.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, NY
10AM Take Out the Trash
Biller: Um, you know maintenance guys are working in our bathrooms and there is a line of people waiting in the hallway bathroom? Could you, like, do something about it?
Receptionist: Uh, sure, I'll get right on that for you.
Biller: I'll just go back to my desk and pee in my trash can.
1200 Princess Anne Street
Fredericksburg, Virginia
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: Bye, guys. See you tomorrow.
Worker #1: Who the fuck was that?
Worker #2: The new sales secretary; she took [Carrie]'s place.
Worker #1: Who the fuck is [Carrie]?
Worker #2: She took over for [Gretchen].
Worker #1: Oh, hell. I don't care about chicks' names. I only care if I'm sleeping with them. And then sometimes I have to get up and check their purse for ID.
1313 North Industrial Boulevard
Dallas, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Preacher: What's that beeping sound?
Secretary: It's the battery getting low on the smoke detector.
Preacher: Well you don't need that if you would quit smoking, do
you?
801 7th Street South
Clanton, Alabama
4PM Staff Meeting
Director: I don't think that will cut the mustard.
Manager: You mean "pass muster"?
Director: No, it's "cut the mustard!"
Manager: I think you're trying to say you cut the cheese.
8001 Irvine Center Drive
Irvine, Calif.
Overheard by: Pffft
1PM Lunch
Supervising Editor: That's why I hate bananas. They're just too unpredictable.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Manager: I should send you guys a screenshot of my desktop. It looks like Bill Gates threw up all over it.
17601 Brook Park Road
Brook Park, Ohio
11AM Radio for Backup?
Admin: Some angry guys are going to come in the office looking for one of the executives. They may threaten you and yell at you but just tell them to go away. Whatever you do, don't bother us with it.
Receptionist: Okay, while I'm up here fighting for my life, I'll be sure not to bother you all.
817 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Elle George
10AM Division Meeting
Division Manager: I hate it when logic happens.
1930 Bishop Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Doug Whitworth
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: The pollen is so bad, this morning I coughed up a flower.
Worker #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
6355 MetroWest Boulevard
Orlando, Florida
11AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Check it out, [Brad]'s actually being useful!
Worker #2: I don't believe it. And I'm not even going to look because I refuse to look at things that I know are lies.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?
113 University Place
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Sales Manager: How am I supposed to give you the Heimlich if you have your door shut?
2176 Avenue C
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
12PM Monitor Call Desk
CSR: I can't understand her. She's confusing me...She's talking all smart and stuff.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: Ew, I just walked through someone's fart cloud.
4575 Ruffner Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Olivia Gomez
4PM Update Database
Co-worker #1: Wow! That's the longest email I've ever gotten from a customer.
Co-worker #2: Really? What is it?
Co-worker #1: [Kateunderscorelee]@yahoo.com
Co-worker #2: That's not long...Oh! Um, do you know what an "underscore" is? You don't spell it out.
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: I mean, we don't really work in an office. We don't even have desks. Okay, I do have a desk but it's not, like, mine. It's just a desk I'm at every day that I keep all my shit at. But it doesn't have my name on it. Or a chair.
1050 Caribbean Way
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Word Power
5PM That's a Wrap
Office worker: You know how everyone just looks at themselves and sees pure ugliness?
1800 G Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Make Reservations
Manager: [Ben], just go ahead and reserve two spots for me.
Assistant #1: Did you just say [Jeffrey]?
Manager: What? No, I said [Ben].
Assistant #1: Well, I heard my name.
Manager: 'Cause youre a narcissist! [Ben], don't you think he's a
narcissist?
Assistant #2: I plead the Fifth.
Manager: C'mon [Ben], don't be a pussy!
Assistant #2: I'm going to be a pussy! I'm new!
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
12PM Fix Cabinet
Attorney: Is this the drawer that's broken?
Co-worker: Yes. I've already told you how to fix it. I mean, it's not as serious as cancer.
Attorney: Thank you for that assessment.
1999 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: I don't want to donate my organs when I die. Those doctors make too much profit off the surgeries.
Worker #2: Does your wife know this? Because I'm pretty sure your next-of-kin can override your decision.
Worker #1: Is that true? I would beat my wife in heaven if she donated my organs after I was dead.
111 South 34th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Sales #1: There's lint on your shoulder.
Sales #2: Oh.
Sales #1: Here, I'll pick it off. Wait, here's Scotch tape; that works better.
Sales #2: I feel like those monkeys that pick bugs off each other's heads and backs.
712 South Hacienda Drive
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Call Network Guy
Boss: We're having communication problems.
Underling: We are?
Boss: What?
18115 Campus Way NE
Bothell, Washington
Overheard by: cogalicious
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Did you know every conversation we have in here, we aren't supposed to have?
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Did you know that Big Lots closed all of its furniture stores down? It was no IKEA but it sure had a few nice things in there. Damn I am full of gas this afternoon.
Worker #2: I didn't know they had furniture stores...
Worker #1: Yeah...They have surely came a long way since I was a kid. They always had like the crappiest food stuff. They are a close-out store, right?
Worker #2: I didn't know they had food.
Worker #1: Well, not food food, but like cereal.
Worker #2: Oh, shelf food. Yeah.
Worker #1: Yeah..I would totally not buy discontinued bananas. That's just rank.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Security Guard: So I told her, "I'm 'bout to go over there & milk that goat. The baby's gotta have sum'inta eat."
9800 Kellner Road SW
Huntsville, Alabama
2PM Post-meeting
Worker #1: I can't believe [Jim] didn't show up for the meeting.
Worker #2: I know. He has some nerve.
Worker #1: I hope he gets a painful rash in the anal region...if you know what I mean.
245 5th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Pre-meeting
Boss: So, is there any other duty that you do on a daily basis that we should include on this list?
Worker: You mean other than miscellaneous bullshit?
Boss: Well, how much time do you spend on miscellaneous bullshit everyday?
Worker: Depending on the day, between 10 minutes and 8 hours.
4913 West Laurel Street
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: hang on voltaire
10AM Pre-meeting Prep
VP: Wow that sounds bad. Do we need to have a pre-meeting about that meeting?
3415 Vision Drive
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Department Meeting
Area Manager: We will need to open an investigation into this and see what happened.
Superintendent: I'll tell you what happened: he fucked up!
Area Manager: Well, I didn't say it needed to be a long investigation.
128 Spring Street
Ypsilanti, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Today was like International Day at McDonalds this morning. Not one person spoke with a Midwest accent...I was gonna be like, "Oh, they are so fucking up my breakfast."
Worker #2: Did you hear that there are more terrorists in Ohio?
Worker #1: Yeah? First they want to blow up our malls here in the city, now kill the President. They are always in Ohio. You never hear about them in like, Montana. That's where the Nazis are.
Worker #3: Yeah, the terrorists are up there on the 4th floor...You should go up there.
Worker #2: I'm not going up there.
Worker #1: They do have a nice floor up there.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: Ew!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: His internet history has porn on it!
Co-worker #2: Really?
Co-worker #1: Yeah!
Co-worker #2: Like what?
Co-worker #1: A whole bunch of free stuff from [Fleshbot].com. I can't believe this.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know...
Co-worker #1: I mean...I don't care if he does this at home, but not at this computer...We work in here!
Co-worker #2: Yeah...Sure...What was that site again?
41 West Clinton Avenue
Tenafly, New Jersey
3PM Smoke Break
Marketer: So after sitting in her funky trailer for about 2 hours
listening to her talk about God, this lady was like, "Baby...I have been reading my Bible for 53 years...and I can tell you read your Bible, too..." So, I in my best Southern voice, said, "Yes, ma'am...I
read my Bible every day. I try to live my life according to the
Word." But, I was just bullshitting. I'm probably going to hell. I mean she is like 90 and lives in a single-wide behind her daughter who lives in a double-wide...She can't wipe her own ass...She's about to die...and I am lying about reading the Bible. But we had a patient pass yesterday and we need one to take his place. Gotta keep the bodies moving...gotta get that bonus. Y'know?
1441 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
2PM Schedule Tech Course
Boss: Hey, my mouse arrow is reversed on the screen.
Worker: What...how?
Boss: If I go this way, it goes that way...Oh, never mind, I was holding it upside down.
10199 Riverford Road
Lakeside, California
11AM Review Applicants
Partner #1: The real cute one?
Partner #2: Yeah.
Partner #1: Yeah, she's married.
Partner #2: Damn it!
Partner #3: That's how I like 'em. cute, and married.
222 Severn Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Tits McGee
10AM Take Care of Bills
Adjuster #1: What are you putting over there?
Adjuster #2: A legal bill.
Adjuster #1: Well, it won't get paid till Tuesday.
Assistant: Why won't it get paid till Tuesday?
Adjuster #1: What the crap? You're here today?
2550 Northwinds Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: David Tilley
9AM It Begins Again
Boss: Where the fuck is my breakfast? Why hasn't it been delivered yet? I'm not even hungry anymore, I could have raised my own fucking chicken for the eggs and planted my own fucking orange tree by now.
Worker: You didn't order anything with eggs.
135 West 36th Street
New York, NY
5PM Out of Here
Executive #1: You go first.
Executive #2: Why?
Executive #1: I always go first...I don't know what your problem is.
Executive #2: I don't have a problem; why can't you just go up the stairs first?
137 Ocean Avenue
Lakewood, New Jersey
10AM Send Intern Out for New Equipment
IT: My vibrator doesn't work; I think it's worn out...On my phone! On my phone! The vibrate function on my phone doesn't work! Oh, god.
140 Research Boulevard
Madison, Alabama
Overheard by: map ref 41n 93w
9AM Back to Work
Clerk: I'm startin' the day with two "ah, shits" and not an "atta boy" in sight.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
4PM Update Contacts
Secretary on phone: Hi, I have tried twice now to establish myself as the main contact person for our firm with your company via your online customer service, and it still won't change the name...Yes, and I'm considering legally changing my name to [Nathan Blumenthal] because apparently that would be easier than getting it changed with your printing service.
19 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Conference Call
Manager: You could sit in my office since I am dialed in, but I just got over the crud so maybe that is not such a good idea. Why don;t you go down to the Alpha Room?...No, scratch that. Those guys went
to Taco Bueno for lunch and I am not sure that is such a good idea. Maybe you just better dial in from your office.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
1PM Lunch
Physical Therapist: How are you today?
Patient: No good.
Physical Therapist: That's too bad. Why not?
Patient: Because I would rather eat my own foot off than talk to you.
275 South 5th Avenue
Pocatello, Idaho
11AM Forward Files
Boss: I need you to email this to [Kevin].
Assistant: No problem, I have the electronic version right here. I'll email it out in a sec.
Boss: Great...Oh, and make sure my notes don't show up when you send it out.
Assistant: Your notes?
Boss: Yeah, the notes I wrote there in the margins.
Assistant: Um, don't worry. They won't.
Boss: Great, thanks.
Assistant: Just fucking retire already...Jesus!
300 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM Call Jeff for Clarification
CCA #1: The client says his squirrel machine's broken. What the hell is a squirrel machine?
CCA #2: One of those things with the wheel, where the squirrels run around?
CCA #1: I don't think we provide those.
CCA #2: What's the problem?
CCA #1: He says it's broken.
CCA #2: Is he feeding it enough?
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Broker: I'm going to grab some lunch; if my wife calls, tell her I'm not going down tonight. She'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
250 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Review Applicants
Co-worker: If he was any more by the book, he'd have a cover on him.
3160 Charlestown Road
Martinsburg, West Virginia
12PM Foreign Office Debriefing
Photographer: So there I am in my hotel room and there's hundreds of malaria mosquitos just flying around, and I'm thinking, "Well, isn't this great?"
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
5PM That's a Wrap
Product Manager: You know, I don't like playing dumb.
IT: Yeah, well, I don't either, but sometimes I just have to.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: You know, if this office were a reality show it would be called Derm'd If You Do And Derm'd If You Don't. I would go to the bathroom to bitch to the camera in the mirror about our shitty patients.
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Lawyer on cell: Why do you call me when you're trying to name your cats, but you don't call me when you're served with a subpoena?
509 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Call 911!
PVC worker: Hey [Neil], I don't mean to sound like a pussy, but I just cut my finger off.
1000 Eden Valley Road
Golconda, Nevada
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: I ordered the print from that guy. I'm his first international sale: he's in Canada.
Worker #2: Canada cracks me up.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
5PM That's a Wrap
Cube #1: It's so cloudy out today; is there an Armageddon scheduled that I didn't know about?
Cube #2: I think it's supposed to rain.
Cube #1: Well, since you're closest to the window it's your responsibility to inform the rest of us if the rain contains a plague of locusts. Tough break, but that's the responsibility that comes with good cubicle location.
1944 East Sky Harbor Circle
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Scientist #1: Ow, stop poking me. What is that in your pocket?
Scientist #2: It's either a test tube or I am really happy to see you.
701 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
10AM Sales Meeting
Sales Rep #1: I'm afraid we're going to lose a lot of customers this season.
Sales Rep #2: Huh. My biggest fear is ending up on Oprah's couch and having her say mean things to me.
21250 Hawthorne Boulevard
Torrance, California
11AM Compile Mailers
Employee #1: You're making a mess with the mail. Envelopes are all over the place. They're calling me to come clean them up.
Employee #2: They're calling you? What are they saying?
Employee #1: "Come clean me up. I'm strewn about the table."
Employee #2: ...Because evelopes have such a good vocabulary.
Employee #1: Of course they do. That's why they don't stay sealed. They've got a lot to say.
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
4PM Work on Spreadsheets
CCA: My Excel's not working.
Manager: I don't care.
CCA: What should I do if my Excel's not working and you don't care?
Manager: Call the Ghostbusters.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
2PM Team Meeting
Employee: It's called toxic shock syndrome. We have to hurry and finish this meeting.
23133 Outer Drive
Allen Park, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Account Manager: I totally disagree with this, with every fiber of my being.
Creative Director: Wow, thats a lot of fiber.
720 East Pete Rose Way
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Work Phone
Staff Auditor: Hey [Senior Audtior], your wife is on the phone. Should we tell her the audit room smells too badly and you will call her back?
Senior Auditor: Yeah...
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Smell E. Lotz
9AM Back to Work
Clerk: I got an error message on that email I sent.
Manager: Well, then you aren't holding your mouth right, are ya?
Clerk: What?
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Damage Control
Co-worker on phone: I'm sorry, can you say that again?...I'm sorry...I'm having some trouble understanding what you're trying to say...Why don't you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?
Hangs up.
Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country...Christ.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton
9AM Back to Work
Engineer #1: You ever have one of those drives into work where you swear they're giving out driver's licenses as prizes in people's cereal in the morning?
Engineer #2: Mine came with a free decoder ring!
151 Court Street
Binghamton, New York
3PM Smoke Break
Agent: Can you believe that? I totally lied to her face and she had the gall not to take it as the truth!
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
10AM Check Classifieds
Worker: What?
Boss: What?
Worker: Were you talking to me?
Boss: No, to myself.
Worker: Sorry.
Boss: How dare you eavesdrop on a conversation I'm having with myself!
8403 South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Mary H
3PM Smoke Break
Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
2PM Update EotM Wall
Employee #1: I can't believe they made that bitch Employee of the Month.
Employee #2: Me, neither.
Employee #1: I'm going to the general manager.
Employee #2: Yeah, I'll back you up.
Later.
Boss: Who the hell told her that was a good idea to come see me?
Employee #2: I don't know, I tried to stop her.
999 South Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah
12PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: Have you used this new Wite-Out strip thing?
Co-worker #2: Dude, you're weirding me out.
Co-worker #1: Holy crap, I've turned into Milton from Office Space.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
11AM Staff Meeting
Employee: Do you always have to act like a child?
Manager: This company is all about innovation. And studies have consistently shown that the most innovative thought comes from the ages of five and under.
31601 Pacific Hwy South
Federal Way, Washington
12PM Go Over Contracts
Contractor: ...so we should definitely take a good look at him. I
don't want to snowball with more mess.
Specialist: ...Um...Yeah.
12443 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
3PM Coffee Break
Accountant: Could you call and get someone to come and service our coffee machine?
Receptionist: Sure! What's going on with it?
Accountant: The hot water tap just tastes like regular tap water.
1625 North Palafox Street
Pensacola, Florida
2PM PR Meeting
Boss on speaker: Okay then, I'll be over in about 30 minutes to look at what you've got for me.
Media person: Great, we'll see you then.
Boss on speaker: ...Great, now I have one more fucking thing to do today...Fuck...
Media person: Um...You're still on speakerphone, buddy.
1901 North Shoreline Boulevard
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: The lowly intern
11AM Proof Press Release
Marketing: Oh my god, I don't know what is going on with this, but I swear, I had to look up so many big words while I was doing this thing; Like..."ire"? "Emu"? What the hell are these?
421 NW Riverside Drive
Evansville, Indiana
4PM Get Mass Mailer Ready
Colleague: You can't pay to stuff that. I mean, that's a handjob at best.
1150 City View Street
Eugene, Oregon
3PM Smoke Break
Marketing Manager: You know it would be so awful if that hunting guy died, but yet, it would be so awesome if that hunting guy died.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM Coffee Break
Copywriter: Were you looking for me?
Designer: Sorry?
Copywriter: Before, when I was in that meeting...it looked like you were looking for me.
Designer: Ah...Where I walked over, sighed, and declared "Tragedy"; I was actually looking for the coffee. The window to your meeting room just happened to be behind the machine. You guys have better coffee than our side.
12655 Beatrice Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Call Building Maintenance
Assistant: If you want to see how dusty the floor is, just look at the heels on my shoes.
Project Manager: Oh, I thought you were telling me to look at your knees.
1100 West Anderson Court
Oak Creek, Wisconsin
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: I told you not to shit in the bathroom.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Mail Thank You Notes
Employee #1: I don't know what to write.
Employee #2: How about, "I'm surprised you cheap skanks chipped in ten bucks a piece"?
Employee #1: ...I was thinking more, "I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this."
327 West Michigan Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
4PM Employee Evals Due
HR: What we need to determine about her mistake is, is this fuckup a rare occurrence or is this the type of thing we should come to expect from her.
VP: You mean like the normal run of the mill disasters...
HR: Exactly.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
10AM Swing by Trading Floor
Trader: When I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, my doctor is going to wonder why I have two assholes.
Trader: Lance Armstrong has more balls than I do.
Trader: Why don't I just go to prison? Then I wouldn't have to pay to get fucked in the ass.
50 Broad Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Don't mail your boogers to people!
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Your job isn't to solve problems; your job is to find solutions.
117 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Guido Sarducci
10AM Call Client
VP: It's so frustrating trying to reach that guy.
IT: How so?
VP: Whenever I call at lunch or after hours, he's never there.
12444 Powerscourt Drive
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM Lunch
Writer: What the heck is going on with you?
Designer: Why?
Writer: Because I messaged you like three times.
Designer: Oh. I didn't see it.
Writer: Thank god I wasn't sending you my suicide note.
Designer: You would do that through Yahoo!?
Writer: I don't know. Maybe. Is it too informal?
Designer: Kind of. I mean like print it out or something. Then somebody could drop it in my box.
Writer: What font would I even use?
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
12PM Product Meeting
Boss: Oh, one other thing. I didn't think the Sunday [product] was very strong.
Worker: Well, what would you have done differently?
Boss: I'm not really sure...I just think we needed something different there.
Worker: Like what?
Boss: Well, that's really the question, isn't it?
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I thought you were supposed to be at the doctor.
Worker #2: Look at me! I can't go in there! He'd put me on something for sure!
4182 Forsyth Road
Macon, Georgia
11AM Staff Meeting (Con'td)
Boss: What you are talking about only adds up to 10% of snake shit
compared to the problems we have.
Meeting: ...
2000 West NASA Boulevard
Melbourne, Florida
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: That must be why I haven't been getting any sleep; I moved back to my own desk!
856 William Hilton Parkway
Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: If I worked at this office every day, I'd never get anything done. You guys spend all your time walking around and socializing.
Manager #2: Now that's not true. I also spend a good amount of time in the bathroom.
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Work on Resume
Manager: If it didn't mean I would have to interview new people I would lobby to have half the staff here fired
2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Department Meeting
Boss: This is not an interactive meeting, so no feedback of any kind. Every customer who gives a commitment today will get a $350 Home Depot giftcard. This is only until the end of business today.
Loan Officer: But I got a customer commitment yesterday. Can I tell her that we will send her one?
Boss: Didn't I just say that this meeting is not interactive? I won't answer your stupid questions.
Loan Office: ...So what's the answer?
The boss storms out.
Loan Officer: I'll just ask him later.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
11AM Beta Testing
Co-worker: I mean, I love [our product] and all, but I don't want it to kill people.
5450 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado
4PM Schedule 2nd Interviews
Worker on phone: I'm sorry, we can't hire you...It's not that, it's just that I don't want to work with you.
3838 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: All we ever talk about in this office is food. It is
always in the conversation.
Co-worker #2: Well, it is at every social occasion, and we center our lives around it in a way.
Co-worker #1: We should all become prostitutes so our conversations
center around our sexual liaisons rather then food.
2601 4th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
11AM Pay Bills
Customer: I want to pay my bill. I know it's two months overdue, so I
wanted to come and pay it in person.
Customer Service: According to our records they shut off your cable today.
Customer: But they said I had until today to pay the bill.
Customer Service: Well, your cable has been shut off today.
Customer: But today's not over yet!
Customer Service: It is for you.
11020 Flatlands Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Paul
10AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Producer: Alan Greenspan is leaving the Fed and so our business anchor is crying.
1 Time Warner Center
New York, NY
Overheard by: The McCrum
12PM Budget Meeting
Manager: We should do it. I'm just concerned that the cost will be too exuberant for us to overcome.
180 Varick Street
New York, NY
11AM Rewrite Memos
Co-worker #1: Can you believe the way that this memo is written? It's like every statement is questioning.
Co-worker #2: Maybe it was written in Canada.
120 East Washington Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Donnie Baker
10AM Update Resume
Worker #1: I make less than everyone. People on unemployment make less than me.
Worker #2: Is that true?
Worker #1: No.
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
11AM Schedule Counseling
Boss: She's gone? And you're not going to be here tomorrow?
Secretary: Correct.
Boss: But I need counseling.
Designer: I agree!
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Quarterly Assessment Meeting
Regional Director: So our biggest problem last year was we tried to take over the whole world, and the whole world is a big place. We need to think small, concentrate on taking over individual countries first...like Wisconsin.
2100 South Priest Drive
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Interviews (Cont'd)
Scheduler: So, I just called this girl in for an interview and she asks me what she should bring with her. Would you ever ask that? That's so weird. What should you bring? Some tennis balls and a racquet, what do you think you should bring?
700 South Henderson Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: You can't leave for a day ever again!
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because without you there the average IQ in that room drops to 72.
1834 West Selfridge Street
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Asja
4PM Interviews
CSR: That guy was such a moron! And he kept trying to tell me he had a
photographic memory. I thought to myself, "Yeah, well you must be out of film."
7350 Tilghman Street
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: jara
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn't get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven't you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
10AM Exit Interview
Employee #1: So have you heard from [Amanda] since she quit?
Employee #2: No. I called her twice but never heard back from her.
Employee #1: That's because she's probably bitter.
Employee #3: You've tasted her?
138 Greenwood Avenue
Bethel, Connecticut
Overheard by: Dawn Saunders
9AM Back to the Pit
Co-worker: Stop putting on your makeup at work! Do it on the subway, like normal people!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Call [the Client]
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM Coffee Break
Team Member #1: That lady on the street was laughing at you.
Team Member #2: Why? I was trying to make you laugh, not her.
Team Member #1: Why? Because of what you did! No one does that here!
Team Member #2: I'm just trying to bring diversity to the office...
Team Member #1: By doing that?
Team Member #2: Could you just try to not make fun of me for one day?
Just try?
201 3rd Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
4PM Order New PCs
IT #1: I asked him if he was in the United States.
IT #2: I tell people if you want to buy a computer, call their support line. If you can't stand the accent, don't buy that computer.
1100 SW 6th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: How's the weather outside, is it cold?
Worker #2: Girl, I've been working with you in the office all morning.
Worker #1: Well, at least you get to talk to people on the phone. I thought someone might have said something.
14 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
12PM Correct Contact Info
Worker #1: Damn, they've spelt my name wrong on the rota again.
Worker #2: How did they do that?
Worker #1: They used the wrong letters, idiot!
Trafalgar Road
Birkdale, Southport
UK
1PM Lunch
CSR: You know sometimes when you blow, you can feel it in your throat?
Secretary: No, I don't blow that hard.
CSR: Well, I blow hard and I can feel it sometimes. It sucks.
541 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S Dropper
11AM Strategy Meeting
Project Manager: He needs to step into my office. The office of my fist. If he messes with my developer one more time, I'm gonna drop him like a bad habit. And by "drop" I mean "drop kick". And by "bad habit" I mean "communist hobo".
1375 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Lunch
CSR: Oh my god. I just spilled soup on my glasses! I was eating soup and it splashed on my face.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
4PM Order Grease
Co-worker #1: It's not always good to be the squeaky wheel.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, you really have to pick and choose your squeaky wheels.
833 Chestnut Street East
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Order New Camera
Boss: Damn it! My camera is dead again!
Receptionist: Didn't you just replace those batteries a couple of days ago?
Boss: Yes.
Sales: Maybe you're out of megapixels.
1003 Distribution Drive
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
10AM Update Database
Specialist: This guy's name is September...that can't be right.
Boss: Not in January, it isn't.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM Launch Meeting
Project Manager: So it sounds like the only thing holding us back from launching early is being ready.
Meeting: ...
1900 Prairie City Road
Folsom, California
Overheard by: Sumeet
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: I really want to go get a cookie from the food cube, but [Anne's] using the computer in there
Co-worker #2: Well, go get one anyway. And tell her to pull her pants
down.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM Policy Meeting
Specialist: He thought it was "unfair" that we'd charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He's lucky he was talking to you. I'd have told him, "I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that's unfair."
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
2PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I pretty much hate that stupid nursing consultant.
Co-worker #2: I know. Me too.
Co-worker #1: She's so phony. It's 'cause she's Southern.
Co-worker #2: I know! I hate Southerners! And I'm not even black!
Co-worker #1: Uh...what?
Co-worker #2: Well, you know. The slave thing. Don't you hate her because of the slave thing?
Co-worker #1: Uh, no.
100 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Close Deal
Sales: You quoted 3 different prices to this customer.
CEO: You're not calling me an idiot, are you?
Sales: I'm saying that having been given all the facts you made 3 incompatable decisions.
CEO: That's sufficiently blameless.
12819 Coit Road
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Snowmobiling?
Worker: Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss: LetmethinkaboutthatNo.
Worker: Don't you want to hear why?
Boss: No.
Worker: Some of the guys are going snowmobiling and I wanted to meet up with them...
Boss: What do you think this is, a resort?
Worker: If it were a resort, I wouldn't have to leave; there'd be things to do.
900 Simpson Street
Saint Paul, Minnesota
3PM Smoke Break
Supervisor: You're either talking to yourself, singing to yourself, thinking about talking to yourself, or thinking about singing to yourself. Am I right?
4708 Lacey Boulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
9AM Climbing Back to Work
Worker #1: Oh my, I hate these elevators. You never know what you're gonna get, kinda like those roller coasters. You know, they really have a mind of their own.
Worker #2: Yeah! And then you have these crazy doors, too, where you need to do the karate chop to make them stay open. And you do it and you say to yourself, "Oh heavens, this is one karate fight I'm not gonna win!"
1450 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Client Meeting
Attorney: I heard [the client] was whiny.
Client in waiting room: I'm whiny because I'm sick and this is the first time I've left the house.
Attorney: Oh shit.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
1PM Lunch
Worker: [The boss] treats me like I'm his little daughter or something. That's a lot of pressure. I can't be perfect all of the time.
180 East Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher on phone: But [Matt], it's just the sound of a gun. The audience won't even see it!...Not even the sound effect?...Are you kidding me?...So, what, we're not allowed to do Hamlet now because somebody has to die in the end?...I know they don't use real swords; we aren't using a real gun!...How is anyone supposed to die?
2155 Napier Avenue
Macon, Georgia
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, did you all bring in cookies?
Co-worker #2: God, you're like a shark when there's blood in the water.
3701 Wayzata Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Lunch
Girl: So Friday's your last day?
Guy: Yeah, I'll be working closer to home. I have an hour long drive to get here from my house.
Girl: Good thing you'll be working closer to home. Traffic will suck your soul.
800 South Douglas Road
Coral Gables, Florida
12PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I have to crawl under this desk so much my knees hurt.
Co-worker #2: Oh, so that's why you got promoted.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
11AM Finalize Contracts
Boss: This subcontractor really chaps my butt.
Senior VP: Is it a good butt chapping or a bad chapping?
Boss: Bad.
Senior VP: Glad to know there's a differnce.
812 Moorefield Park
Richmond, Virginia
4PM Complete Project
Worker #1: Wow, that was a tough job.
Worker #2: Yeah, they should give us something.
Worker #1: Like a basket?
Worker #2: Yeah, a basket of rifles!
2455 Faber Place
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: for meltnbean
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
4PM Order New Fan
Co-worker #1: You should get that fan fixed. It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind it.
Co-worker #1: It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind. I just pretend I'm working in my private jet at 30,000 feet. It's noisy for a computer fan but it's really quiet for a jet.
2137 Highway 35
Holmdel, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chuck Roast
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: That would be an unintended put option...as in put us out of our misery.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
9AM Back to the Farm
Project Manager: I hate these cubicles. Oh wait, they are not cubicles anymore. What are we supposed to call them? Coffices?
Field Manager: I like veal pens or officles.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker #1: has Crazy [Don] come to see you yet?
Co-worker #2: Yeah. The first two weeks I was here he came over to my desk every day.
Co-worker #1: Did he ever make eye contact?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: He's crazy.
Co-worker #2: At least he's not trying to molest me.
3600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Find Out What Those Plumbers Said
Plumber #1: So what about Jeanette?
Plumber #2: She pisses me off, man. That bitch pisses me off so much I want to cut her into little pieces. You know what I mean?
Plumber #1: I know what you mean.
Translated from the Spanish.
145 East 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Spooner
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: If I didn't have so much to do, I would get a lot more done.
3675 Ruffin Road
San Diego, California
3PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Boss: I'm getting nailed to the wall here, guys! C'mon! I'm not Jesus Christ! Help me out!
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
Overheard by: Genevieve
1PM Lunch
Engineer: Excuse me, those Splenda packets are for our department only. You're going to have to pay me for the two that you stole.
2525 West 190th Street
Torrance, California
2PM Credit Meeting
VP: Are we going to continue to flog ourselves with the same blunt instrument?
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
12PM Meeting with HR
Supervisor: I didn't just say that to him because he's gay, I would've said the same thing to you.
Worker: Oh yeah? How do you know I'm not gay?
Supervisor: I don't. Are you?
Worker: Yes.
Supervisor: Okay then, have a nice day...
716 West Genesee Street
Syracuse, New York
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Sir, would you mind slowing down just a little bit?You're really giving me a lot of information, and it's not really
registering in my brain because I'm still trying to type in all the
other crap you told me.
5129 Beverly Glen Village Lane
Norcross, Georgia
2PM Sales Meeting
Co-worker #1: [Aaron], you just don't get it.
Co-worker #2: I've got two hemispheres working here, [Mike].
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
4PM Caren Out
Clerk #1: Why is she leaving now?
Clerk #2: She had to leave early to go get her brakes fixed. She was going on and on how they weren't working this morning.
Clerk #1: So they're going to start suddenly working now or is she just going to pray for green lights the whole way?
2121 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
10AM Monitor Calls
Accountant on speaker: Okay, I tried entering my password and it didn't work.
Tech: I reset it to "password."
Accountant on speaker: Okay, let me try my password again.
Tech: Make sure you type "password."
Accountant on speaker: It didn't work again.
Tech: Iou typed far too many letters for the word "password." Did you type in "password" as your password?
Accountant on speaker: Yu never told me to do that.
Tech: So what part of my sentance confused you: "Type in the word
'password' when it asks you for your password", or "I reset it for you, your password is now 'password.'"
Accountant on speaker: I have a CPA, don't talk to me like that.
Tech: I can make up acronyms too. I'll be in your office in five
minutes. In the meantime, ponder this one: I'm OMGWTF certified.
220 Woodbine Road
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Analyst #1: I hate going into that lunchroom when the people from claims are in there having a potluck.
Analyst #2: I know, it's like the bar scene in Star Wars.
4645 East Cotton Center Bouelvard
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Party Planning
Co-worker #1: Are you going to the Christmas party?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: Why not?
Co-worker #2: Because I am going to a funeral.
Co-Worker #1: I would rather go to a funeral than this Christmas party.
3001 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
10AM Call Building Maintenance
Co-worker #1: I'm really hot.
Co-worker #2: I'm turning the heat down to 90. If anyone's cold then they can go into [Jessica]'s office, but first you have to take off your clothes because it's a sauna in there.
Co-worker #3: You shouldn't tell people to take their clothes off before going into [Jessica]'s office.
57 Binney Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM I'm Sick of Work
Worker: Someone left puke in the toilet. I swear, bulimia should be illegal.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
4PM Water Cooler
Co-worker #1: I don't like space, or astronauts.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: Well, this one time I was at the Kennedy Space Center when I was a little kid and there was a statue of an astronaut at the end of the museum and when I got close to it, it moved and it really scared me.
Co-worker #2: Ooh, that's freaky!
Co-worker #1: Yeah. That's why I don't like space.
250 Harbor Drive
Stamford, Connecticut
2PM Client Meeting
Manager #1: Do you think Christmas carols are appropriate for when the
prospective client comes in at 2?
Manager #2: What's wrong with Christmas carols?
Manager #1: I just feel like it doesn't represent us.
Manager #2: You're asking the wrong person, because I love christmas carols.
Underling: Well, [the CEO] is the one who put this playlist on.
Manager #1 & #2: Oh, okay.
552 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Tinsel Everything
Worker #1: Must be nice to have so much time to put up all these friggin christmas decorations.
Worker #2: You have time. You just never decorate.
Worker #1: That's right, everyone knows not to touch my area. I'd be pissed if they did.
Worker #2: Hmm...wait till tomorrow, I think I'll piss you off with some holiday cheer.
Worker #1: Go ahead, I'll just take it down. What a waste My husband does that crap at home too!
3949 Jefferson Road
Ashtabula, Ohio
4PM Clean Up Hard Drive
Copy Editor: Hi, [Marco]. You just missed the porn.
Art Director: What?
Copy Editor: I'm serious. There was porn but I just deleted it. Spam. Usually they take out the pictures...
Art Director: Why didn't I get the porn?
6100 Center Drive
Los Angeles, California
12PM Asian Discrimination League Meeting
FedEx Driver: Gs prices are so expensive I am thinking about delivering packages on a bike.
Warehouse employee: You and your people should be used to that.
4000 Coolidge Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM Double Check Figures
Co-worker #1: Hey [Rachel]: you're not a math person, are you?
Co-worker #2: Why, because I have breasts?
1014 Boswell Avenue
Crete, Nebraska
2PM Briefing
Marketing Manager: We have to prepare for the unexpected. For example, there was the one time last summer when AT&T went down on me for five painful hours, and there was just nothing we could do about it.
111 River Street
Hoboken, New Jersey
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I'm like a dead person wrapped in a living person. It's like a pigs-in-a-blanket, except made out of dead people and living people.
631 King Edward Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Well, when I asked you over for lunch I asked if there was something you didn't eat besides cheese...Well I'm just saying you should have told me you didn't eat pork when I asked...Yes, I know you're Jewish...Well whatever you are, you're an idiot and a liar. You should have told me about the pork...Ew, she's your first cousin.
622 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Stay in My Cube Today
Auditorium worker: ...she has shelves full of them. If you visit her she goes on and on about all her Hummels. And for each Hummels she has some goddamn story to go along with it. Bores you to death. That's why I don't go over there.
700 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: 2qrs
3PM Hand Out Secret Santa
Co-worker #1: Hey, [Eric]. I know what I'll get you for Christmas.
[Eric]: Oh yeah? What?
Co-worker #1: Some wifebeaters to wear with white shirts so I don't have to see your boobs through the shirt anymore.
Co-worker #2: All right...I've heard enough about [Eric]'s manboobs.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
10AM Call HR
Secretary: I can't talk to her any longer. She's so disrespectful.
Boss: ...Really.
Secretary: Yes! Can you please talk to her 'cause I've had enough.
Boss: Well, since we've been acquired by the new company, they're really big on that.
Secretary: Huh?
Boss: You know. Respect. It used to be a lot easier around here.
1775 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Cancer Break
Manager: We're in Gwinnett County. You need to be 10 feet from the walkway if you want to legally smoke.
Smoker #1: Like, isn't that unfair? What if you're a midget? Your feet would be about half the size of mine...No, seriously. Look how big my feet are! They're like twice the size of midget feet...Oh! You mean like a ruler!
Smoker #2: Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the metric system?
333 Research Court
Norcross, Georgia
12PM Pass the Buck
VP Research: The client would like us to find a creative way to solve the problem.
Field Manager: I am tired of looking for the solution to this problem; let's start looking for someone to blame instead...
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
10AM Reply to Email
Co-worker #1: Does she always send emails in 72 point font?
Co-worker #2: Oh, that's "mad" typing.
Co-worker #1: How should I respond to this?
Co-worker #3: You should reply using 86 point font.
Co-worker #2: They don't make 86 point font. I've tried it before. You should use 8 point font in Bernhard Fashion BT or some other font that's hard to read.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I'll do that. She won't be able to read it.
Co-worker #2: That'll really piss her off.
620 Greison Trail
Newnan, Georgia
2PM Review Candidates
District Supervisor: Wait, maybe I misunderstood him, but was he saying "Bachelor's Degree"?
Regional Manager: Actually, the words he used were "Bastard's Degree."
District Supervisor: Ha, ha! I thought so but I didn't think he could be that ignorant.
Regional Manager: Well, he is a retarded ex-con with personality disorders.
District Supervisor: Yeah, you're right.
3651 Cedarcrest Avenue
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Joshua Carpenter
11AM Finalize November's Numbers
Account manager: Do you get the monthly reports and messages?
Office worker: No, I don't get anything. I'm so lonely.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
9AM It's Going to End Badly Today
Co-worker #1: My corner is dark and quiet.
Co-worker #2: You should move over here.
Co-worker #3: Just make sure you don't wear Stevie Wonder glasses over at your corner.
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
2PM New Intern Orientation
Supervisor: Isn't it just great how college kids today have such a mastery over electronics but not even the remotest grasp on the English language?
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
12PM Fix the Internet
Flunky #1: The internet is broken.
Flunky #2: What's wrong?
Flunky #1: I can't get to any sites.
3001 Broadway Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM Work on Prints
Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I'd say yes, but you won't give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can't borrow them.
Engineer: You're so much like your dad, it's not even funny.
186 Gilman Avenue
Campbell, California
Overheard by: Shannon
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: Today needs to be over. I'm so seriously ready to slit my wrists--
The phone rings.
CSR: Good afternoon. This is [Nelly], how can I help you? Oh...hi! How are you doing?...Oh, I'm great! Mm-hmm, yes, of course! I just have to pull up your previous order...Oh, really? Oh! Well, that's okay!...No, really!...Oh, stop it! Ha, ha! Okay, well thanks for calling anyway! Yes...Thank you, I will! You also, okay? M'kay, bye!...Jesus. Okay, so, what the fuck was I saying again?
950 Tower Lane
Foster City, California
4PM Get Messages
Co-worker #1: I finally found that fax you were looking for.
Co-worker #2: Great where was it?
Co-worker #1: On this 3x4 pink message pad. It was a phone message you freak.
30 Riverview Park
Red Deer, Alberta
Canadia
2PM Call Bank
Co-worker on phone: Ma'am, my language will not improve. If a mugger knocked me over the head and stole my wallet, I would speak to him pretty harshly to say the least. So don't expect me to talk professionally to you.
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
9AM It's a Bright, Sun-Shiny Day
Boss: Those are pretty. Who are they from?
Secretary: Myself. Sorry men send flowers. I don't need any sorry men in my life.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
12PM Order New Server
Director: ...so, do you have any ideas why all these clips are showing up as being not on server?
Engineer: Ah, yes, it's a procurement error. We bought shit.
201 Wood Lane
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
9AM It's Like a Welcome Mat
Co-worker: Does the whole building smell like urine? Or is it just my cube?
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM That's Enough for Today
Suit #1: Oh, fucking great. This is how-- [Jon] is getting married. And I have to sign this stupid card along with everyone else like--
Suit #2: Wow, hostile much? We barely know him.
Suit #1: Oh, I know his fiancee quite...ugh, never mind.
71 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Intern hears all
4PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: You're really getting good at that.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I keep thinking the little running chef in
BurgerTime looks disturbingly like Jim Cramer.
Co-worker #3: Can't you at least pretend you're working?
250 West 55th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: MadMoney
4PM You Know the Drill
Co-worker: Oh crap. We're having a fire drill today? That fucking sucks. It's too fucking cold for that shit.
Drill Captain: Yes, I know...but they are important. We need to do them at least twice a year.
Co-worker: How the fuck are they important? Did you miss fire safety week in the first grade? You don't know what to do if there is a fire? Well, here you go: take the stairs down to the lobby and go outside away from the fire. Shit, you probably still get into strangers' cars if they offer you candy.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: nicolette
3PM Coffee/Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: Ah, beat me to it!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it's the little victories that get you through the day.
Co-worker #3: ...Yeah, that or drugs.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Paul Lamb
4PM Work on Audit
Manager: This audit is driving me crazy!
Receptionist: Oh, you won't have to drive there. For you, it's just a short walk.
50 East Exchange Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Ed Poe
1PM Lunch in Cafeteria
Employee: No one comes here anymore, it's too crowded.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
5PM I'm Calling It a Night
Co-worker: Dude, there is something really funky smelling coming from underneath my mousepad.
5215 North O'Connor Boulevard
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: imaninarticluatetool
4PM Call [ColdCo]
Owner #1: We need to get the freezer fixed.
Owner #2: Well, we can call [ColdCo].
Owner #1: [ColdCo] raped us last time!
Owner #2: True. But this way at least we know our rapist.
201 North 78th Street
Omaha, Nebraska
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker: My hubby can be such a dork. We went to the hardware store this weekend because we are refinishing our bathroom. So, I ask the hardware store guy, "Where do you keep your caulk?" Hubby just stood behind me and snickered.
8400 Esters Boulevard
Irving, Texas
9AM Where's My Tums...
Co-worker: She said I was giving her an ulcer...But I don't even have ulcers!
1127 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Birthday Cake!
Boss: And happy birthday to [Chris]. Today is his birthday
[Chris]: My birthday isn't today, it's in May.
Boss: This [planner] thing is useless.
Employee #2: It's only as good as what you put into it.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done
Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Matty K
4PM Get New Wireless Card
IT #1: Okay, I'll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they're only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can't [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It's all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who's around when you drop the soap...
525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: Where do we sign up for that class? Ass-kissing 101?
'Cause I think I have this negative reaction to it that's holding me back, and I think that a class could really help me break down barriers.
1910 Pacific Avenue
Dallas, Texas
9AM They're Doing the Voices Already
Manager: How dare you besmirch my good name and then saunter into my office as though nothing was said? Out, out infidel!
Writer: Oh...that's just how I roll.
650 Technology Park
Lake Mary, Florida
3PM Shannon's Goodbye Party
Admin: We're going to miss you around here.
Employee: Well, I'd like to say that I'll miss being around here, but that would be untrue, so I'm not going to say it.
6111 Oak Tree Boulevard
Independence, Ohio
5PM Flee the Office
Co-worker #1 walks by [Seth].
Co-worker #1: Hi!
Seth: ...
Co-worker #1: Yo, what's the deal with [Seth]? That guy is a straight up tower shooter.
4 Airport Park Boulevard
Latham, New York
Overheard by: Nathan
11AM Order Staples from OfficeMax
Help desk #1: The staplers are hopelessly broken this time.
Help desk #2: We spend all our time fixing the staplers. Perhaps hwe should just call ourselves Stapler User Services instead of Computer User Services.
3203 SE Woodstock Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
10AM Strategy Session
Project Engineer: We have relatively clear instructions, kind of.
4170 Santa Fe Road
San Luis Obispo, California
4PM Sensitivity Seminar
VP: Are you pregnant?
Worker #1: No!
VP: I'm just asking because it seems like you get pregnant every two months.
Worker #2: Hey! You can't ask people if they are pregnant!
VP: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Partner: Tell me something. Does anyone around here care about me at all? I mean if I were to drop dead right here and now in the middle of the floor would just leave me lying there or at least push me into a dark corner?
Receptionist: I'm sure I could manage a little bit better than that.
Partner: Well, thank you. At least someone cares.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
10AM Programming Update
Engineer #1: You don't understand...the program's got unresolved
symbols that won't work.
Engineer#2: Yeah, I got 2 unresolved symbols for you right here.
8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You like nice today.
Co-worker #2: No I don't, I look like a big slut! Can't you see my cleavage falling out of this shirt?
Co-worker #1: Oh, I didn't notice.
240 Princeton Avenue
Hamilton, New Jersey
12PM Handle Customer Complaints
CSR: Ma'am, my system is backed up and my computer is going down on me.
300 Rosewood Drive
Danvers, Massachusetts
11AM Handle Employee Complaints
Boss: Why hasn't the mail come in yet?
HR: We have a new postal carrier and she hasn't come in yet.
Boss: Is she nice looking?
HR: Well, she's inconsistent. Sometimes she delivers at 2:30, sometimes it's 1:00.
Boss: What has that got to do with how she looks?
HR: It doesn't. Welcome to HR.
81 Apsley Street
Hudson, Massachusetts
10AM Call an Ambulance
Receptionist: What happened to your light?
Worker: The switch broke off.
Receptionist: Well, how can you work in the dark? Are they going to fix it?
Worker: [Chris] went to shut off the fuse so that he can work on it.
Receptionist: Here, I'll fix it.
Worker: Stop it, you'll electrocute yourself!
11 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Yet I Still Wish It Were Sunday...
Support Desk: I wonder why preachers are so hateful? Out of all the customers I've dealt with, preachers are all so mean. They're worse than Canadians
5330 East 31st Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: donrae moore
5PM That's Enough for Me
Secretary on phone: I hate fake tans too...not cans...tans. No, tans. T as in taco, A as in anus, N as in next, and S as in swords. I hate fake cans, too.
3818 Maccorkle Avenue SE
Charleston, West Virginia
Overheard by: brittany
2PM Follow Up with Sasquatch
Exec: Look, I don't care about the Weekly World News. All I want to know is how this affects the Bigfoot cover!
Star Magazine
1 Park Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Call Evan to See If He's Checked In
Hotel Manager: Can we help you, ma'am?
Guest: My husband just got on the elevator without me, I can't believe that little shit/
Hotel Manager: Well, if we track him down we can send him your way.
Guest: If I can't keep track of him after 30 years you won't either.
9 East Wilson Street
Madison, Wisconsin
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: So this guy calls for [Kyle]...I give him the voice mail. I knew the next ring would be him...he calls back. "I'm trying to get ahold of [Kyle] and I keep getting an answer machine."...Gah!...That's what happens when we pay 10K for a phone
system so people get their messages. So then the prick is like, "So is he there or isn't he?" And so I'm like, "Yes sir, I realize
that you keep getting his voicemail. He is with a client, and all
messages go straight to our agents via voicemail." And he's like,
"Well, I don't want to leave a damn message, you tell [him and
his wife] they just lost out on a sale! I guess they're too busy
for me!" So then I'm all kiss-ass and like, "Well, I'm sorry sir, they are both with clients at the moment. We are a busy office. Would you like me to take a message?" And then he tells me, "No, just never mind and it's their loss." I hate stupid people.
Assistant: Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for
anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push
them down a flight of stairs.
M-28 East
Munising, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How was your lunch?
Co-worker #2: It was okay. We had an old Greek waitress. I didn't care for her too much.
Co-worker #1: Was it the fact that she was old or Greek?
Co-worker #2: It was a combination. Greeks are a weird people.
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
11AM Call Maintenance...Again
Co-worker #1: It's so dry in here, I can feel the skin on my face drying up from the inside out.
Co-worker #2: Do you use moisturizer?
Co-worker #1: Oh yes, if I didn't my face would look just like my grandpa's...and he's been dead for seven years.
1301 West Chestnut Street
Virginia, Minnesota
4PM Call Repairman--again
Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: How do you put up with that constant gossiping right next to your office?
Co-worker #2: I have a door.
1370 Ontario Street
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Send Out Another Memo
Co-worker: We work with fucking children. There are boogers all over the bathroom walls again!
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM Working Lunch
Co-worker #1: My diet is going really well. I have hardly eaten
anything today.
Co-Worker #2: Oh really?
Co-Worker #1: Yeah, I have had only three hot dogs and two hamburgers.
860 Levoy Drive
Salt Lake City, Utah
11AM Replace Dictionaries
Co-worker #1: I just got tricked into using a pen that shocked me!
Co-worker #2: Oh, no. You okay?
Co-worker #1: Well, shocking throws off your electroids...
Co-worker #2: Electroids? What are those?
Co-worker #1: ...Well, electroid is not in here, but this is an old dictionary.
600 Willowbrook Office Park
Fairport, New York
3PM Cigarette Break
Nurse: I think I have worked at every hospital around here. If I ever get anything stuck up my ass, I'm going to have to drive, like, 4 hours to find a hospital where nobody knows me.
100 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
9AM They Sure Said It
Employee: Mondays come way too often.
Supervisor: Yes, once a week.
4708 Lacey Bpulevard SE
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
4PM Look Busy!
Underling #1: Man, this sucks, you can always tell when someone's about to get let go.
Underling #2: Yeah?
Underling #1: Well yeah. [The boss] is still here.
Underling #2: How does that--
Underling #1: It's 3:30pm!...Hello? It's Friday!
5790 Fleet Street
Carlsbad, California
Overheard by: Milton Waddams
9AM Saturday, Please Come Soon
Receptionist: Every time I hear that phone, it's ringing!
3424 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Cigarette Break
Manager: Man, I hate that rep. Only he has the power to permeate every fiber of my being with his earnest, sniveling, annoying little voice. "I'm sorry." "Would you mind?" "Is it a problem?" Grow some balls, freak show!
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: He has a groin pull so he's asking for pain pills .
Worker #2: He told me he hurt his leg.
Consultant: Yeah, my third leg. I'm a tripod.
Worker #1: A tripod wouldn't have hurt himself playing basketball with a 50 or under league.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Regina C
10AM Cultural Sensitivity Workshop
Co-worker #1: Hey, look at this expense report. It says he took $50
cab rides everyday and he has no receipts! He's milking us.
Co-worker #2: Wow! But don't say that to our boss. She's Jewish too.
4301 N. Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Okay, so, there have been some changes in the past 24 hours. First of all, [Sharon] has left us for another job.
Team: Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked old witch is dead!
955 Rumble Road
Smarr, Georgia
10AM Check E-mail
Project Manager: I can only imagine what has been coming in my box...My email box.
1137 North 26th Street
Sheboygan, Wisconsion
Overheard by: Chris O'Brien
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Will someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with [Josh]? When he gets up in the morning does he have some kind of funhouse mirror? Does he fucking see Tom Cruise when he looks in the mirror in the morning? Because when I look at him I just see an asshole.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: He is bullshiting everyone and saying he slept with the new CSR.
Co-worker #2: Does it really matter? She don't speak English!
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM QA
Co-worker #1: "...And so, if you're still working on the website, I just discovered a serious error using a Mac."...Who cares?
Co-worker #2: Seriously, you should write back and say, "Dude, why are you even using a Mac?"
111 West Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Badge Photo Shoot
Manager: I hate my new badge picture. It makes me look like I have a fat head.
Employee: But you do have a fat head.
Manager: I know that. I just don't want to advertise it to the whole world.
610 Gateway Drive
North Sioux City, South Dakota
4PM Get More Hole Punches for Office
Sales engineer: Hey, you can't use that, that's a sales punch!
Accountant: Care to see a finance punch?
59 Marsh Lane
Solihull, West Midlands
UK
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
10AM Staff Meeting
Manager: Literally, I am the entire choir, and you are preaching to me.
530 Means Street
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: So I was at the deli, and I asked for a third of a pound of meat. I asked the lady twice. She then gave me 1.5 pounds of meat. I said, "Excuse me, this isn't a third of a pound." Then she said,
"Yes, it is." Then I said, "No, it's not." So then she turns and asks her co-worker behind the deli counter how much a third of a pound is, and her co-worker replies, "Oh, a third of a pound is .75."...This is why I hate the South.
115 Perimeter Center Place
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Nurse #1: It's more important that we get rid of the dead things in the clinic.
Nurse #2: The smell's still there?
Nurse #3: Have you tried spraying the air with something?
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
4PM Release Due
QA: That enhancement doesn't work, you need to fix it.
Dev: I guess it won't be in the patch, then.
QA: I didn't spend all that time testing and documenting it, we need to release it.
Dev: I'm not going to fix it now.
QA: You just said it was going to be in the patch, now you are saying it's not going to be fixed in this patch but it is in the patch.
Dev: Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me.
16388 Westwoods Business Park
Ellisville, Missouri
Overheard by: Marc Brooks
11AM Cancel Cameras Order
Boss: You told me that before.
Office worker: How do you know?
Boss: I have a photogenic memory.
2 Walters Lane
Point Pleasant, Pennsylvania
9AM Anywhere But Here...
Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM I'm Calling It a Day
New guy: It's so dull here. I'm using all my energy just to stay awake, which is making me sleepy.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
2PM Hang Magazine Rack
Nurse #1: Do you want me to go through your legs?
Nurse #2: I can't believe you don't want to go through my legs to find the lower hole.
Nurse #1: Well, pull out the first one so I can see!
Nurse #2: Is it in?
Nurse #1: I don't know, I can't feel anything!
Nurse #2: I'm gonna pee my pants! I can't believe there's no one here to see this!
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
12PM Prep for Big Meeting
Secretary #1: It looks nice, don't it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, "it looks nice, don't it?"...Doesn't it! I'm just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don't matter, sweetie.
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
4PM Pick Up Kids
Cheerleader: It sucks that Halloween is on a Monday this year.
Football player: Dude. I hate when they do that to me.
19501 Outer Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.
57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois
10AM Catch Up!
Office worker #1: My goodness, I have so much work that even if I stayed at work 24 hours it still wouldn't even put a dent in my workload.
Office worker #2: Wow, you have that much work?
Office worker #1: No...it's just that I'm always too busy farting around to get any work done.
475 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Remy Rawrs
9AM Why, Monday, Why?
Co-worker #1: I'm really tired this morning.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you try Red Bull?
Co-worker #1: That stuff doesn't work for me.
Co-worker #2: Well, have you ever tried it without the vodka?
2783 Lancashire Road
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You smell of fish!
Co-worker #2: I've been at a fishmongers!
Co-worker #1: Oh! I thought it was an urban myth but they actually do sell fish at a fishmongers?
Co-worker #2: ...What?
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
11AM Urgent: Call About Credit Bill
CSR: Could you guys not talk while I'm on the phone?...And could you not breathe either?
1650 Bobali Drive
Harrisburg, Pennsyvania
Overheard by: Erin Spohn
2PM Managers' Meeting
Owner: You've got to tell me these things. I don't know everything that's going on...you'd be surprised at what I don't know.
2100 Goshen Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
3PM Cigarette Break
Office monkey #1: Bro, this job is like motherfucking cocaine!
Office monkey #2: How's that?
Office monkey #1: It seems fun at first but then it fucks your asshole raw.
1211 6th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Grab a Cup
Boss: Oh good morning, would you like some coffee?
Building Manager: Oh, I don't think so.
Boss: Oh, have some.
Building Manager: No, thanks. It'll just make me perspire. I had a cup and a half before I left for work this morning and my makeup slid right off my face.
3040 M Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Chris
4PM Let's Call It a Day
Receptionist on phone: Of course I'm tired. I sit here for nine hours a day with no work to do. That's gonna tire me out!
601 West 26th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Ty!
9AM TGIF
Manager #1: I don't feel like working today.
Manager #2: So why don't you go home?
Manager #1: 'Cause I don't get paid to do nothing at home....
3200 S. Las Vegas Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Cathie
3PM Coffee Break
Sports editor: I think you need to apologize for that.
Opinion editor: Okay, but you need to meet me halfway. I'm sorry for hitting you, but you need to apologize for existing.
5211 Old Charlotte Highway
Monroe, North Carolina
9AM Check with HR re: Installing Cages
Co-worker #1: God! I hate it when those two have to work together! It's so painful. It's like watching a monkey and a dolphin try to build a house.
Co-worker #2: I think you underestimate the communication skills of wildlife.
150 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Call IT
Guy: Why the hell is my computer running so slow?...Ah! here it is: "System Idle Process" is taking up 98% of my CPU...fucking Microsoft...
1701 North Street
Endicott, New York
1PM Lunch
New hire: Lord, I am not drinking any of this company's water. There are entirely too many pregnant people here.
9106 E. Panorama Circle
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Homer Thompson
9AM Just Grit Your Teeth and Deal
Manager: Remember, the customer is always right.
Assistant manager: Right, except when they're wrong.
Manager: No, they're always right.
Assistant manager: Totally, except on the odd occasion when they're wrong.
Manager: ...you are so retarded...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Back to Inanity
Employee: Hey, it's The Bobster! I was just out--
Bob: Seriously, why did you just add "the" and "ster" to my name?
27450 Ynez Road
Temecula, California
Overheard by: Jake Glazier
3PM Coffee Break
Building service: Coffee's shit, man.
White collar: Yeah. Gotta work, though.
The building service person snorts an imaginary line from the countertop.
Building service: Dat's da shit you need, man. Coke id up.
1114 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
2PM Confirm Arrival Time for Ambassadors
Woman: So I had sex with the older guy.
Man: What? When was that?
Woman: Like a couple weeks ago.
Man: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You didn't even text me...you know, I e-mail you all my sex.
United Nations
New York, NY
4PM This Day is So Over
Hospital worker #1: Oh my God! Did you see those warts?
Hospital worker #2: No, I missed them.
Hospital worker #1: How could you miss them? Weren't you holding the labia?
Hospital worker #2: No, that wasn't me.
Hospital worker #1: Are you sure? I thought that was you.
Hospital Worker #2: No, I wasn't holding any labia today.
100 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Spot op #1: [Bill] tells good stories, he's an excellent storyteller; me, I'm a stuttering prick when I tell a story.
Spot op #2: I tell stories, but they're not very funny.
Spot op #1: Or interesting.
245 West 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by:
9AM Why Can I Hear Them?
Co-worker #1: Is there an ice cream truck outside?
Co-worker #2: I would be very surprised.
Co-worker #1: Are you sure?
Co-worker #2: There's a trash truck outside...
Co-worker #1: ...Oh, it's your radio.
Co-worker #2: You mean the Bach Concerto?
130 West Canal Street
Winooski, Vermont
Overheard by: Kelly G.
9AM It's Too Early for This
Woman: There's something wrong with my computer. There are satellites
and things floating around! Why did you work on my computer? I thought you were done. I have to get my work done! Do you know what you are doing! Fix it!
IT gal: Okay, let me see. I did not work on your system today, let me
look.
Mouse click.
IT gal: ...It's the screensaver.
4411 Beacon Circle
West Palm Beach, Florida
11AM Presentation
Manager: Will you guys stop talking during my presentation?
Underling: I wasn't talking, I was asleep...
Abingdon Science Park
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
UK
11AM Diversity Seminar
Manager: I hate it when black people make a big deal about being black when they accept awards. It's like the Holocaust; they have to get over it.
4189 Route 9
Freehold, New Jersey
Overheard by: Robert Max Freeman
9AM Pearls of Wisdom, First Thing in the AM
Secretary: I love this new water bottle I got. It holds all the water you need for a full day. The problem is that when I drink out of it, I look like a hamster.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM Order Supplies
Worker #1: We're out of toilet paper.
Worker #2: The supply closet is empty.
Worker #1: I think they're stuffing their vaginal canals with it to smuggle some home.
215 South Country Road
Bellport, New York
12PM Networking Workshop
Boss: Well, apparently he has a girlfriend who may be going through cancer treatments. But you can still be friends with him, it's good to have connections.
Secretary: What? No! I don't need any more friends. She has cancer? God, I can't compete with that, forget it.
321 Walnut Street
Green Cove Springs, Florida
9AM It's Beginning
Secretary #1: What's the problem?
Secretary #2: Oh...the gathering darkness.
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Danielle Balsamo
12PM Clean Out Inbox
Employee #1: Shit!
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: I told you how I had eleven thousand spam messages in my other email address?
Employee #2: No, I didn't knew that.
Employee #1: So I did as [Filippo] said, I grabbed them from within Yahoo! mail, figuring out it would throw the spam away automatically.
Employee #2: Really.
Employee #1: Apparently it doesn't do that for another email account. Shit. Now I screwed my Yahoo! mail too. I can't believe it. I'll have to manually check eleven thousand messages as spam on this precious address. I am going to kill myself.
Employee #2: Wait, you have to read eleven thousand messages? Who send you that?
Translated from the Italian.
Viale Bianca Maria 6
Milan, Italy
9AM It's Going to Be a Long Week--Again
Tech guy: It will take Zeus and all his pissed off gods going in and throwing all sorts of thunderbolts to straighten this out.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
2PM Meeting with Legal
Lawyer: We received the claimant's demand for $300,000 for sexual
harassment. Whether it's a reasonable demand or not...I wish someone would touch me inappropriately so I could sue.
8 Hanover Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pinsy
10AM Address Trainees
Manager: These trainees are useless; they're just like fungus, and they itch!
Postal Code 112
Ruwi, Oman
4PM Order Cartridges, Paper
Big Shot: Well, damn, the printer really is low on toner. I'm not gonna strain my eyes to read this junk. Now I have to reprint the whole document. Guess that's my reward for trying to take work home over the weekend!
Peon: So, do you want me to recycle the faded pages?
Big Shot: What? No, just toss it.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
11AM Work on Budgets
Co-worker slams down the phone and says: Okay, it's official, you have to be retarded to work in our accounting office.
187 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Janet
3PM Cigarette Break
Salesman: Well, I worked my way up from a mechanic to a salesman, but I'm still treated like the low man on the scrotum pole.
625 Spring Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
11AM Sign Contracts
Boss: But it shouldn't be done this way!
Boss's boss: I know. We're getting fucked. But let's just enjoy it.
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Hire New Temp
Attorney: Jesus, why do they keep hiring from the Gnome and Troll Temp Agency?
550 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, what did you last night?
Co-worker #2: I wanted to watch Joey last night but the President was on. Every time I turn on the TV anymore, it's hurricane this and hurricane that. Makes me wish the hurricane never happened!
Co-worker #1: ...I think Joey was on later in the night.
Co-worker #2: Damn it!
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
4PM Work on Resume
Guy: I'm guessing she's not digging her job too much.
Girl: No, she digs it fine. She was promoted to SA and she talks to her friends on the phone all day without anyone calling her on it. She better be digging her job a lot 'cause she gets away with all kinds of shit.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: n-ro
4PM Budgeting
Co-worker: How many times do I have to tell you, you can't do that? It's like adding apples and morons.
2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee, Virginia
Overheard by: jordan
2PM Fill Out Questionnaire
Woman: I hate working here. It makes me want to throw my morals out the window, and become a slut.
Co-worker: A slut...There's an image for you.
Woman: I don't mean I want to be a slut. I just want to know what all these people are like in bed. No one small, of course.
Co-worker: So you'll be handing out a questionnaire?
56 59 Junction
Baldwin City, Kansas
4PM Return Truck
U-Haul guy #1: Okay! Pickup on the right...dropoffs on the left.
U-Haul guy #2: Yeah...Pickups on the left, dropoffs on the right.
U-Haul guy #1: What? No! You're fucking it up, dickhead!
3270 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Call HR
VP Sales: Don't tell Human Resources I said this, okay, but these chocolates are gay.
5 W. Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Client Meeting
Field Services Manager: I can't believe he brought up all those issues in front of [the client]. He made us look even more inept than we already sounded!
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
4PM I'm Going Home
Co-worker: Ugh...
Manager: What's the matter?
Co-worker: Nothing, I just couldn't see the screen.
Manager: Oh. Was everything flesh colored and blurry? That's from putting your hand in front of your face.
1390 Timberlake Manor Parkway
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Durp
1PM Lunch
Butcher #1: What does that bacon look like to you
Butcher #2: An abortion?
Butcher #1: Exactly. So fix it!
1177 W. Market Street
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: Nate Kelly
3PM Coffee Break
Battleaxe: You know, pretty soon we'll start to see refugees from New Orleans at this school...I'd rather that than the Muslims.
695 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Carl Limbacher
Co-worker #1: Man, New Orleans has sure turned into something out of Lord Of The Rings.
Co-worker #2: Don't you mean Lord Of The Flies?
800 Hennepin Ave S
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Order Phone, Anger Management Class
Employee: Damn it! I broke my speaker phone. I've punched it hundreds of times before and it hasn't broken...
6300 Diagonal Highway
Boulder, Colorado
10AM Check Out the Lobby
A co-worker steps out of the elevator into the reception lobby.
Co-worker #1: Ew, it smells like a nursing home in here.
5 minutes pass.
Co-worker #2: Mmm, it smells good in here.
55 Southbank Boulevard
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Emily Hopkins
3PM Sensitivity Training
Office Manager: There's a time and a place for shoulder massages and it's not here and now.
Employee: It's not a massage. I was rubbing my hands up her.
Aldine House, New Bailey Street
Salford, Manchester
UK
12PM Tech Support
Suit: Why hasn't this customer's problem been fixed yet?
Tech Guy: Because I'm the only person supporting this product; I'm really backlogged here. Every time I close one log I open four more. We don't have enough people here to keep up.
Suit: Oh...well keep up the good work.
500 Lafayette Road
Hampton, New Hampshire
10AM Find Out What's Wrong with the Janitor
IT Guy #1: Why didn't the janitor take my empty computer boxes?
IT Guy #2: Did you put a sign on it for the guy to haul it away?
IT Guy #1: Yeah, it says "junk".
IT Guy #2: Dude, it should say "trash".
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
9AM Log On, Check Email
Co-worker on phone: ...So if that wasn't enough, she signs the email
"LOL". Now you can't tell me that wasn't completely obnoxious...Yeah. Lots of luck...Oh. But, still...
1236 Shannon Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
4PM Get More Bins
Marketing Manager: Do we have any more blue bins?
Summer minion: Oh my God, no! Those bins are disappearing like a fat kid on cake.
66 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Go Pick Up Air Freshener
Producer: Rarely does a day go by where my underwear is less than 10 years old.
11 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: D to the C
12PM Check for Mail
Secretary: All morning I've been so happy, singing and dancing and now the whole day is ruined. Oh, I could commit carry harry right now!
Monson Way
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
UK
Overheard by: Benjaminov
5PM Thank God the Weekend's Finally Here
Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, "the Parthenon?"
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's it! Aw man, today I've got...what's that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No...oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?
216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Better Invest in Some Preparation H
Crew chief on phone: Hello?...No, I can't talk right now, my truck is on fire....Okay, I'll call you back. My truck is on fire....Okay, I'll deal with this tonight. My truck is on fire....Okay my truck is on fire, I can't really talk right now....Okay, my truck is literally on fire beneath me, I'll call you back.
303 Second Street West
Brooks, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Shane Parker
3PM Those Red Pills Taste Like Cherry!
Woman: What the hell? People disappear like it's the damn Matrix.
32 Old Slip
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevz
1PM Think of It Less as Creation and More as Intelligent Design
Art Director: We had another "captain literal" sighting in a client
meeting today. People are stupid.
Copywriter: Be less creative. It always works for me.
930 S. Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
9AM Don't Put Him to Sleep Until After the Raise
Employee: Why can't you just install that for me?
Supervisor: Because I'm not going to spend an hour out of my day installing this on your crappy computer only to find out that it still doesn't work and end up spending even more of my precious time trying to fix something that isn't fixable and wind up making my life hell by hearing you bitch about this all the time. Only to make you happy.
Employee: So, is that a no?
Supervisor: You're damn right it is.
Employee: Well, then can I just get a new computer so I won't have this problem?
Supervisor: Fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Employee: Can I get a raise?
Supervisor: Don't push it.
Employee: I think you need to take a nap.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM "...Want to see the vine I grew?"
Account Exec: ...I stopped by this morning to go over stuff from the call but you were out. Were you at [the client]'s?
VP: No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I just ate way too many grapes this morning.
555 Sparkman Drive NW
Huntsville, Alabama
11AM The Janitor Was Giving Haircuts
Co-worker #1: Do you know what my office smelled like this morning when I came in?
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: Play-Doh.
Co-worker #2: Ugh, gross.
Co-worker #1: No, I liked it, actually.
111 E. Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM Better Check His Briefcase for Virgins
Suit #1: Why didn't you guys invite [Joe] to eat with us?
Suit #2: Well, we asked him to come but he responded with gibberish and broke out in foreign tongues.
Suit #3: Yeah, I think he's a terrorist.
US Department of State
2121 Virginia Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Bradley
3PM I Dream That We Can All Talk That Way to Mgmt.
Former VP: I heard you were dreaming about me.
Executive Assistant: If the person gave you the impression that it was in a positive connotation, they were gravely mistaken.
1000 Voorhees Drive
Voorhees, New Jersey
1PM "This" Being "Business"
Sales Rep: This is what happens when you have an idiot like me doing this shit.
435 Metroplex Drive
Nashville, Tennessee
8AM Sounds Like She Should Be in Jury Tampering
Paralegal: Good afternoon, [Law Firm name]. How may I help you?
Partner: Wow...Wow. You've got, like, a 1-900 phone voice. We're gonna have to take you off the receptionist rotation. Don't want to give our criminal clients the wrong impression.
600 East Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
5PM You've Got All Weekend to Find One, Folks
Editor #1: I don't know why that French reporter couldn't find a transgendered person. It's not like transgendered people are a rare species that you can't find anywhere.
Editor #2: Maybe she didn't know where to look.
Editor #1: What do you mean, "where to look"? Transgendered people are everywhere.
487 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
2PM There Goes the Dream of Olympic Gold...Showers
Co-worker #1: I just got this great book you should read. It's got
everything you always wanted to know about sex. It's got pictures and
positions and everything.
Co-worker #2: Books are for amateurs. When it comes to sex I'm a pro.
1215 2nd Avenue
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM Those Brilliant Cetaceans Are Taking Our Jobs
Co-worker: Noon it is. I'm driving. But I have no room for dolphins in my car. Well...I have the room, but I didn't get the tank option.
1301 E. Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
1PM Looks Like I'm Having Abortion for Lunch
Employee #1: I wouldn't eat caviar. That's fish eggs!
Employee #2: I'd try it...after all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?...Oh.
6525 N. Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Balki's Almost Got the Idiom Down
CSR #1: We've had problems like this all day.
CSR #2: Yeah, there's something going on somewhere in Denmark.
28001 Napier Road
Wixom, Michigan
12PM That's Right; He Apparently Knows How to Read
Client: You need to fix this design; the text is way too big.
Web designer: What is the text size in your browser set to?
Client: It's on large so I can read it better.
1335 Columbus Avenue
San Francisco, California
9AM He Can't Even Handle the "In" Part
Co-worker #1: We just had a premature install.
Co-worker #2: I hear lots of guys have that problem. Hell, [Alex] can't even finish an install.
26 Century Boulevard
Nashville, Tennessee
5AM Especially at that Special Olympics Race
Intern #1: I walk funny in high heels.
Intern #2: Everyone looks retarded in heels.
200 Orange Street
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: Samurai Jacqueline
5PM I Overheard That the Genie is Still Laughing at You
Co-worker #1: Wanna go in, say...10 minutes? Or do you need longer?
Co-worker #2: How about 15?
Co-worker #1: I knew that was what you were going to say!...I think I wasted my wish when I said, "I'd like to know what people are
going to say, right before they actually say it."
1835 Terminal Drive
Richland, Washington
5AM Someone Please Film That and Email It to Me
Co-worker: That new guy is really dumb.
Speakerphone: Well it is fun watching him.
Co-worker: It's like watching a cat shoveling shit with two broken paws.
8400 36th Street
Miami, Florida
7AM I Can Hear the Awkward Silence from Here
Worker: [Jeff] didn't come in because he has pneumonia. We went to the hospital yesterday.
Manager: Ever since you and [Jeff] started dating he's begun falling apart. Now he's got pneumonia. That's what drugs will do to you; lower your immune system.
Worker: That couldn't have been it...It's been 2 weeks since we've taken ecstacy.
7350 S. Tamiami Trail
Sarasota, Florida
12AM I Didn't Realize the Disgruntled Were So Anal
Employee: I wanted to know where the line for disgruntled employees starts.
HR Secretary: Right behind me.
500 Federal Road
Brookfield, Connecticut
7PM "Big Fat Kim" Doesn't Have the Same Ring
Managing Director: Hey, there's something wrong in my sister's account. Her street name is spelled wrong.
Assistant: Is she a rapper?
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oink
12AM Soon, My Friend, Soon...
Female employee: I have to wear shoes with heels because it's seen as "professional."
Male employee: You may as well be wearing a burkha.
11 W. 53rd Street
New York, NY
1PM That's Totally Gonna Be on My Biz Cards
Employee #1: He made a big deal about some tiny mistakes I made in this one budget.
Employee #2: We sure as fuck don't get paid enough to do no perfect work up in this bitch.
610 Wall Avenue
Pitcairn, Pennsylvania
12AM That's About As Funny As I'd Expect a CEO to Get
VP: It's not working. I can't get it up. I can't get it up.
CEO: They make a pill for that now, you know.
28 Crescent Street
Middletown, Connecticut
1PM I Think That's Some Kind of Wallaby
Guy #1: So my dad was going to complain that they didn't give him his grievance pay.
Guy #2: What's grievance pay?
Guy #1: Well, you know when a member of your family dies? You get
grievance pay so that you can have the day of the funeral off and the day after. My dad's pissed 'cos they won't give him his grievance pay.
Guy #2: Why won't they pay him?
Guy #1: Because they said his nana's not part of his intermediate
family.
153 Campbell Street
Bowen Hills, Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: Murad
7AM Both Were Clubbed and Dragged to the Cave Minutes Later
Girl #1: They missed their deliverables again. Can you believe that shit?
Girl #2: No, I can't believe it. I am so frustrated for you. What is the excuse? "Our neanderthal foreheads make it difficult to see the screen?"
275 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
7PM Multiasking the Multitasker
VP #1: You're not listening to me
VP #2: Yes I am!
VP #1: No you're not, whenever I try to ask you a question you're on the phone!
VP #2: Why can't I multitask?
VP #1: Because you're lousy at it and I'll have to ask you three times!
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
4PM Now You've Gone and Spoiled the Ending
Scientist: What are the goals of this management plan?
Project manager: The goal is to come up with a plan to manage the system, but we are not authorized to actually manage anything.
Scientist: So the goal of this meeting is really an excuse for you to draw on the white board and act important?
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
7AM That's More of a Pliers Job
Worker #1: Your friend came over. She wanted to borrow a screwdriver.
Worker #2: Why, to shut her fucking mouth?
3600 Las Vegas Blvd South
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Frank Grimes
7PM That's Not Her Title; She's Just Very Paranoid
VP: It really freaks me out when you look in here and laugh; it makes me think there's something wrong with me.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
7AM "...here, I filled this pen with blood for you."
Client: I didn't read this contract yet
Lawyer: I didn't read it either. But you can just go ahead and sign it.
200 Park Avenue
New York, New York
12AM Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!
Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.
6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas
Woman #1: So I went to Filene's Basement last night, and I was--literally--raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?
24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
7AM He Knows Exactly Which Button to Push, and When
Employee #1: He doesn't do anything, but he makes great presentations.
Employee #2: He gives good slide?
Employee #1: Exactly.
600 Technology Park Drive
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Jeff Dietz
7PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Home, Everyone
Folks in our little cube farm were shutting things down to leave for the weekend, when a loud voice rose from one of the cubes: Just once I wish Microsoft Outlook would wait while I shut down!
1256 Porter Avenue
Bristol, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michael Leatherbury
12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound
VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
1PM "I didn't know your brain spoke German!"
Co-worker: You were listening in on me talking to myself and not understanding the conversation!
261 W. 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: simon feil
7AM The Perils of the Riddle Industry
Client: It doesn't sound as if the rep really understands the product. Does she need more training?
Account Manager: Oh, she understands the product. She just can't explain it.
6665 N. Macarthur Boulevard
Irving, Texas
7PM Yes, Missing Innuendo is Very Immature
Guy #1: After I'm through with her, she'll be walking bowlegged for a week!
Guy #2: Is she going to be helping you with the construction job?
Guy #1: Do you even know what I'm talking about? Jeez, you gotta grow up!
2121 Ala Wai Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
12AM Think of His Lungs Like Giant Beakers
Technician: Man, I gotta go grab a smoke. I've been upstairs mixing chemo for hours!
427 Victor Street
Lincolnton, North Carolina
Overheard by: Suzette Truesdell
6AM Less "Think"; More "Recognize"
Boss: I just don't think that Gilligan's Island was appropriate theme for the company picnic. Do they want us to think we are shipwrecked here?
2350 N. Kenmore Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Pissed Off v. Pissed On (Worst Aesop's Fable Ever)
A handicapped client has had to be restrained for assaulting a staff.
Co-worker #1: Your behaviour was completely out of line. You hit me, tried to bite me and pissed all over my leg. How would you like it if I pissed on you if I was angry at you?
Client: I wouldn't like it.
Co-worker #1: Hey [Jake], when you are angry at your girlfriend, do you piss all over her and try to bite her?
Co-worker #2: No, I don't. We talk things out and listen to each other. Why did you piss on us during the restraint?
Client: You guys were not listening to me.
2a Ormonde Avenue
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia
7PM Not Only That, But the Planes Often Go Northeast!
West Virginia guy: Those Southwest email specials never give any deals on places people really want to go. Like I was looking for a flight to Indiana, they didn't have anything.
9211 Appleford Circle
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Doug Wilson
12AM If Only Monsters Were Still a Fantasy, There
Office guy #1: Dude, you're making me nervous with that letter opener.
Office guy #2: Why's that?
Office guy #1: Because you look like you played too much Dungeons & Dragons back in the day.
18 Adam & Eve Mews
London, England
7PM Office Talk: the London Bombing
Lady #1: You know, I think we just need to go over there and just bomb the shit out of them.
Lady #2: Without warning?
Lady #1: Fuck that shit. No warning, just bomb it to pieces.
Lady #2: You know, I used to think we should protect the women and children, but they're just as bad! They do all the dirty work for them.
Lady #1: I agree with you 100%. All the kids have guns there, anyway.
Lady #2: Totally. They all have guns.
80 South 8th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota