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3PM Nebraska?
Fashionista: We live in the dumbest world on the planet.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM A Few Are Really Overweight
Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
9AM They Don't Tell Me What They're Storing, and I Don't Ask
Deputy: That guy told the judge that the crack they found up his ass wasn't his.
Police station
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: more information than anyone needed
9AM Substantial Evidence of a Rocky Mountain High
20-something chick: Was it Colorado?
20-something dude: Yeah, that sounds right. There were a lot of unicorns.
Auburn, Massachusetts
2PM He Books the WWE Package Tours
Travel agent #1: I would go back there in a heartbeat. China was so awesome.
Travel agent #2: I heard that China was insane.
Travel agent #3: Any ugly girl wrestler has to be a little insane. I mean, Chyna was the craziest woman wrestler ever.
Travel agent #1: Ummm... yeah.
Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
1PM I Heard the Whole Country Is below Sea Level and Surrounded by a Ring of Lesbians
Auditor: What is a 'Dutch Auction Tender Offer'? Is that where they go to Dutch and have an auction? ... Where is Dutch?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
1PM Help, There Are Trammps in Our Refrigerator!
Employee #1: Now, where did 'Disco Inferno' come from?
Employee #2: Not me! It's not on my iPod!
Employee #1: I think it came from the refrigerator!
Employee #2: Oh really?
Employee #1: No, this is serious! You're not the one with 'Disco Inferno' stuck in your head!
Chevy Chase
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: kitchen watcher
5PM And Just Like That, Alan's Frame of Reference Exploded
Interviewer: So, I see from your resume that you spent two years in Africa with the Peace Corps.
Interviewee: Yes.
Interviewer: Did you work with any minorities there?
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I was the minority
1PM Playing with an Extra-Full Deck
Coworker #1: I can get news from all 52 states!
Coworker #2: Uh... there are only 50 states.
Coworker #1: Duh -- Alaska and Hawaii!
Chelmsford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Must've missed that one in geography...
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
11AM Dude, It's a Big Continent
White professional #1: Did you know that there's a coming of age ceremony in Africa where the nephew has to blow the uncle?
White professional #2: No, there isn't!
White professional #1: Yes, there is, I swear... [Turns to African-American coworker] Right, Kareem?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Hermitage
4PM I Came to Glasgow on a Holiday of Self-Mortification
CSR on phone: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I am French.
Percepta, Sauchiehall Street
Glasgow
Scotland
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
1PM West of the West Bank
Blonde hostess: So, I started saying, 'Oy' all the time this summer, and someone asked me where that word came from. I think it must just be a midwestern thing to say, huh?
Ames, Iowa
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
2PM Can We Say I'm in St. Tropez?
Teen boy: I want you to keep writing for the school newspaper. You can be our foreign correspondent!
Teen girl: Foreign? I'm not foreign just because I left the school.
Teen boy: Yes, you are. You're so far now.
Teen girl: I'm on the other side of Scarborough, and you're saying I might as well be in Bolivia!
Teen boy: We can say you are, if you want.
Ontario Universities' Fair, Metro Toronto Convention Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: made me laugh
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
11AM In the UN Intramural League, we're Just 'Dem Bums'
Engineer to lunchroom: So do you guys know if we're officially called 'United States of America' or is it just 'United States'?
413 Pine St
Seattle, Washington
12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?
BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...
Burger King, Rhode Island
4PM Oh, Who Am I Kidding? We Are Absolutely Going Back There
Coworker: Well, then we've got something to do next week. But we're not going back to that place. It was nasty. My van smells like a hooker died in it.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
12PM It's the Fifty-First!
Clerk: Ma'am I can't take this money.
Lady: Why not? It's good American money.
Clerk: Ma'am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I'm not the one that's stupid.
13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida
3PM Which Means I Don't Understand the Question
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American...
Customer: I'm Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
3PM After Her Last Album's Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump
Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That's the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I'm a carnie. Carnie!
Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho
Overheard by: They have small hands.
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl
Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?
Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
3PM It Lost Its Virginity in Sixth Grade!
Blood drive participant: My blood is faster than your blood!
1924 Alcoa Highway
Knoxville, Tennessee
4PM You're Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don't Want to Be Here When You Do
Employee: My friend ate a penis once... but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
11AM It's an L.A. County Law
Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Jen
2PM Worried It Might Get Chicago Wet
Coworker #1: Did it rain while you were in Chicago?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: Oh, that's good. I saw on the Weather Channel that it was raining in Virginia, and I got worried.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
1PM Even in the Black Hills You See White People
Aussie: Is Motown a black state?
American: Uh, actually Motown is a nickname for Detroit, and a record label.
Aussie: Is Detroit a black state?
American: No, it's a city.
Aussie: Is Tennessee a black state?
American: Whaaa... there's no such thing as a black state.
Aussie: There isn't?
Reservoir Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Yank Down Under
10AM He Was Much Worse Before the Diversity Training
Suit: You're Asian, so I bet you want tea. We Americans like our morning coffee.
Asian interviewee #1: No, I had Starbucks on the way here.
Suit: We Americans like milk in our coffee. Asians drink it black, right?
Asian interviewee #2: No, I take mine light and sweet.
Suit: Well, you still wanna work here, right?
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing in America
10AM Next You'll Be Claiming People Lived in Mexico Before the Spanish Colonized It!
Customer: That's a pretty name. Different.
Cashier: Yeah, you don't see it much up here. It's Mexican.
Customer: Don't you mean it's Spanish?
Cashier: No, it's Mexican in origin.
Customer: Racist.
Sprague and Sullivan
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: It's this whole other country
12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing
CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
5PM He Could Trip on a Tampon at Any Moment!
Techie guy #1: You know how my friends Jason and Mike rode their bikes to Mexico and then to Costa Rica to play poker?
Techie guy #2: Yeah.
Techie guy #1: Well, Mike's living with this girl he met in Mexico.
Techie guy #2: Is that safe?
11000 Regency Parkway
Cary, North Carolina
5PM Either a 75-Gallon Mixer or That Red-and-White Twine They Tie Cakes Up With
Elderly woman to husband: I told you we wouldn't find it here! I told you the only place we'd find it was a hardware store or a bakery!
Department store
Glendale, Arizona
1PM Luckily All the Prejudice is Concentrated in Mississippi, Where We Can Keep an Eye on It
Co-Worker: You should move to Mississippi, so your children won't have to go to school with all those black kids. But people in Mississippi are really prejudiced though...
Memphis, Tennessee
11AM Cheap Dinner Dates?
Loud secretary: What do you call people who are from Dutch?
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hiding in cubicle
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
2PM We Tell Them Americans Are Fat Monsters. Is That What You Meant?
Trainer: In America, when our kids don't finish their meals we tell them that there are starving kids in Africa. What do you tell them?
Clients from Kenya: [Silence]
Cafeteria, Hazina Towers, 258 Monrovia Street
Nairobi, Kenya
12PM Aren't Asians Supposed to Be Smart?
Interviewer: Have you ever had to deal with rude or irate clients over the telephone?
Asian interviewee: Yes, at my last job I had to call the USA, and you know how rude they can be.
Interviewer: Yes, I know all too well, considering I am American and so is this company. This interview is now finished. Try not to hit my car on your way out of the parking lot...You know how Asians can't drive!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Elle (the other interviewer)
2PM See the Gauloises, the Berets, and the Spacecraft?
Little girl, pointing to Coneheads DVD: Daddy, what's wrong with those people?
Dad: Oh, they're just from France.
Blockbuster, University Village
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: David in Seattle
10AM Yes, in Prairie Schooners
Travel agent: Where were you looking to take a cruise to?
Client: Do they have cruises to Las Vegas?
Proctor Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: potitia
9AM Yeah, I Think the Nigerians Took that Over in the '50s
Co-Worker #1: So is Mumbai, like, a country that we do business with?
Co-Worker #2: No, it's a city! It used to be called Bombay before those imperialist American jerks finally pulled out and the native people got their land back.
Co-Worker #1: Oh. So it was Moscow that was the country I was thinking of?
Co-Worker #2: Probably.
323B 41st Avenue
Calgary, Canadia
1PM Like So Many Things That Almost Make Sense, This Turns Out Not to Be True
Dumb girl: So if it is like 6 in California then it's like 6:30 in Nevada, right?
Dumber girl: No, Nevada's really close to Cali. It's probably only like 6:15.
6397 Springfield Mall
Springfield, Virginia
Overheard by: marshamellow
11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!
Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That's in England, right?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: disbelief
10AM If We Don't Get Married, the Terrorists Win
Female patient: Oh! You're getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you're better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.
Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York
10AM He's Still Using a Sundial
Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
5PM I Can't Answer That Until You Tell Me If You're Speaking English or Canadian
Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?
Hull, Quebec
12PM He Bought It From This Little Old Lady Who Said She Had Trouble With Flooding
Female co-worker: My uncle just bought a condom in Brooklyn. It's a real nice place.
Male co-worker: Really?
Female co-worker: Uh huh.
99 Church Street
New York, New York
10AM God: 'I'd Like to Return This Woman, Please'
Customer: Hi, I'd like to make a return.
Cashier: Ok, do you have your receipt?
Customer: Yeah, here it is.
Cashier, after looking at receipt for a few seconds: Ma'am, this is from Walgreens.
Customer: Oh...[looks around the store in bewilderment] Where am I?
Longs Drugs
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course
Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.
Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.
Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.
Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba
Overheard by: Drank the coffee
4PM Goering Was Especially Tasty
Man: We're gonna make some bratwurst.
Woman #1: What's the difference between sausage and bratwurst?
Woman #2: Well, bratwurst is German.
Woman #1: So they're just German pigs?
Company picnic
Montclair, New Jersey
1PM ...Or to Geography Class
Nurse #1: You better grab that. It's leaning like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Nurse #2: Oh, I've never been to France.
339 Windermere Road
London, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Amanda
3PM After Delegating His Memory to Abby, Frank Experienced Difficulty With Remote Access
Boss, on phone: Abby*, it's Frank*. I'm at the British Library, and there's a man looking at me.
Abby, on other end of phone: ...Yes?
Boss: Who is it?
British Library, 96 Euston Road
London, England
Overheard by: hapless
3PM Only Bitter Experience Prompts This Kind of Advice
Rep on phone with trucker: You do know you can't drive your rig into the ocean, right? That's bad...Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have a nice view.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Brandon, Mississippi
2PM Being a Muppet Is Not a Choice; They're Made That Way
Security guard #1: You hear about that wedding today? Someone's gettin' married in the park.
Security guard #2: Who? Bert and Ernie?
GR rep: Not in this state.
Sesame Place
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
5PM The Kind Amerigo Vespucci Used to Make
Boss: Mmmm! This pizza's good.
Employee: Oh, yeah. This deep dish one is great.
Boss: Oh, yeah. I saw that one, but it looked too weird to try.
Employee: Yeah, it's Chicago style.
Boss: Oh, that's why. I like just good old American-style pizza.
Frost Bank Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: dizzle
10AM That's What They Said Before Pearl Harbor
Employee #1: So as the guy was doing my nails--
Employee #2: --Wait, you have a man do your nails?
Employee #1: Oh, it's okay, he's Asian.
John Adam Street
London, England
Overheard by: rubywoo
4PM This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up
British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it's gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I'm sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can't say cock like that. I shouldn't hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how's this: Fuck off.
1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
2PM He Doesn't Recognize Countries That Achieved Independence After 1800
Male employee #1: How did Costa Rica go in the World Cup?
Male employee #2: Who does he play for?
Male employee #1: Are you serious?
Male employee #2: What? Is he on the Australian team or something? Is that why I'm meant to know him?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: you've got to be kidding me!
1PM As an Engineering Major, He Wasn't Required to Know Where He Was
Worker #1: So this UMass...That in Mass?
Worker #2: Yeah.
Worker #1: Is this "Mass" a city?
Worker #2: Nah, more like a town.
Berkshires, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Outofstate
11AM So If You're So Smart, How Do They Put Out the Fires, Then?
Man #1: No, you're not fucking listening here. There are no fire hydrants in the ocean.
Man #2: But we could...
Man #1: Oh my God. No fire hydrants! Are you hearing me? There are no fire hydrants in the ocean!
Insurance office
Woodbury, New York
1PM I Said 'Him Pet Us.' American Is Good Doggy.
European: Did you just use the word "impetus"? I think you're the first American I have heard use that word.
3695 Freedom Circle
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: bbs
12PM No One Intelligent Gets Married
Clerk #1: My nephew is getting married, and his mother is not happy.
Clerk #2: Why's that?
Clerk #1: Well she is Mexican, Italian or maybe from India. I don't know. They just don't like her. He's really intelligent, but they're worried about him quitting college now.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: unbelievable
1PM Someone Better Rife This Guy Before He Causes Any Serious Madage
Admin: I just ordered the pizzas, but I don't know if it's gonna get here. I kept telling them, "Our building is on Exalander Road," and they didn't even know where that was.
Boss: We work on Alexander Road.
Admin: I know, that's what I kept telling them. Exalander Road. But they had no clue.
Route 1 South and Alexander Road
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily
10AM Anyway, They're All Too High to Read Mail
Co-Worker: Okay, on the spreadsheet we need the city and postal codes for all of your employees in the Netherlands.
Client: Uh, there's none on file. We just send to "the Netherlands."
3600 Mansell Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: jenny from the block
2PM It Goes Well With Jack Daniels
Lady: See, I had taken my urine down to the cafeteria.
500 Indiana Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: David
2PM And Delaware Is a Small Town
Intern: Is DE the state code for Detroit or Delaware?
Graphic designer: Um, Detroit is a city.
Intern: [Silence]
10 Office Park Circle
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Stacy Kate
12PM Anyway, Meeting's Cancelled; Wanna Go Looting?
Flood vic #1: So I said to my boss, "I won't be able to make the meeting in NYC, because my house is flooded and I had to evacuate."
Flood vic #2: So what did she say?
Flood vic #1: She said that she was stressed out about having to cancel the meeting and incoveniencing the people in NYC.
Flood shelter cot
Overheard by: sitting on a cot waiting for Noah.
12PM With Human Sacrifice? What Kind of School Did You Go To?
Patent attorney: The US is like the popular kid in high school. Nobody likes 'em, but you have to appease 'em.
1425 K Street, NW
Washington, DC
10AM That Jerk Owes Me Money!
Customer: What country are you from?
Tech: I'm from England, ma'am.
Customer: Oh. Did you know Princess Diana?
Tech: No, sorry. I'm afraid I didn't.
Customer: What about Paul McCartney?
Circuit City
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: Chris
1PM The Trick Is Eating Kim Chee and Never Showering
Asian guy: Hey, look! A butterfly!
White guy: Why don't you go catch it? That's what Asians do.
Asian guy: No, we catch flies.
White guy: With fucking chopsticks?
Asian guy: Yeah, but if you give me two cigarettes I could probably use those.
Parkland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gloria
12PM I Have Plans for My In-Box Which I Am Not at Liberty to Reveal
Employee: Your in-box is not intended to be a point on the Bermunda Triangle.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Internal Memo
Coworker: Not only am I an asshole here, I'm an asshole at home, too!
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: shaun
3PM Bake Sale
Teacher #1: What are they raising all this money for?
Teacher #2: For this lady in the cleaning crew. Apparently, her purse was stolen and she lost nine hundred bucks that she was planning to send home to her family in Mexico.
Teacher #1: Where's my nine hundred bucks? Since I started working here, I lost everything.
444 Pleasantville Road
Briarcliff Manor, New York
12PM Lunch
Supervisor, watching The Apprentice: I like that British guy, I hope he wins. Or that English guy. Wait, what's the difference?
Coworker: Are you kidding?
Supervisor: There's a difference, right? Do they want to be called something else?
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Erin Eff
4PM Smoke Break
Coworker: When you were younger, growing up in Mexico, you hated America because they had everything. You guys had everything. Then you grew up and you realized "the Joneses" were living right next to you and your parents were just poor.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Engineer: So, did you enjoy your Cinco de Mayo?
Secretary: Um. I was in Rhode Island for the weekend...
Engineer: Yeah, so?
Secretary: Ever been?
Engineer: Yeah, couple of times... what's your point?
Secretary: Heh. Rhode Island is like the white-bread capital, at least the part where I go is.
Engineer: Okaayyy... so there was no Cinco de Mayo celebration?
Secretary: Dude, lemme put it this way for ya: It's so damn white up there, they have white gardeners. Mexicans are like freakin' nonexistant up there. And don't even get me started on the nonexistance of black people. Hell, the last time I saw a black person while I was up there was the one we brought with us. . .and she kept singin' "Massa got me workin'" just to freak the rest of the whities out.
One Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: *snicker*
2PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: You live in the country, they were there first! If you didn't want any animals you should have lived in the city!
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
10AM Coffee Break
Partner: I was the youngest licensed hypnotist in New York.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
4PM Asset Management
Boss: Chinese women have no asses. They dream of having a big round ass. Like a black ass. You see that? That is a big black ass.
9925 Jefferson Boulevard
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Roland Kellar
3PM Smoke Break
Jr. Developer: What we need is an alien invasion.
Deveveloper #11: We have one. Mexicans.
Jr. Developer: [sigh] What we need is an extraterrestrial alien invasion.
Developer #2: Boy, you sure have it out for the aliens.
Developer #1: I can't help it. I'm a xenophobe.
Jr. Developer: The whole world is xenophobic. We need the extraterrestrial invasion in order to unite the globe and to make us stop fighting amongst ourselves.
Developer #1: Until after they left.
Jr. Developer: No, because they came from space, there could always be more of them. As paranoid humans, we have to hunt them down and exterminate them all in order to protect ourselves.
Pause
Jr. Developer: Besides, they might have oil.
501 Corporate Centre Drive
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: Brian
10AM Under Sales Goal
Salesman: Yeah, I'm fucking fed up with that guy. He hasn't sent in his reports for weeks. Just keeps flying out to Texas. What the fuck are we paying him for, anyway?
Manager: Texas? What's he doing in Texas?
Salesman: Oh, apparently his dad died or something.
3000 Birch
Brea, California
10AM Conference Call
Coworker #1: Is Florida's time zone one or two hours behind us?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure. It's pretty far south, so probably two.
235 Promenade Street
Providence, Rhode Island
1PM Vacation Memo
Boss: Did I forget to tell you that we will be open this Monday? I decided not to close the office after all.
Employee: For what?
Boss: It's Labor Day, and I was going to close the office, but decided not to.
Employee: It's not Labor Day! Memorial Day is this month, but not until the end of the month.
Boss: It says right here on my calendar it's Labor Day. I thought it was weird that Labor and Memorial Day were in the same month.
Employee: Let me see that calendar. . . Oh, for God's sakes, do you see that M by the date?
Boss: Ummm, yeah.
Employee: That means Labor Day for Mexico!
Boss: No kidding! Wow, I feel really stupid!
Employee: Yeah, you should! Happy Labor Day, Senorita!
4302 West Crystal Lake Road
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Gramma
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Wanna go eat lunch with us? We're having Ethiopian.
Co-worker #2: Ew! You're going to be eating beetles and shit.
Co-worker #3: Do we have to bring our own leaf to eat off of?
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
1PM Making Copies
Secretary: Why are these reports formatted so weird?
Boss: Well, because the Germans made them. Those Germans are weird.
Secretary: Hey, now... Be careful, I'm German.
Boss: Uh oh, you're not a lesbian too, are you?
Secretary: Well, I'm not really German.
Main Street Financial Office
East Hartford, Connecticut
3PM Conference Call
Guy on phone: We got new digs over here! Yeah, we moved out of the building with all the hot woman and into a big corporate building!
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
1PM Sales Follow-up
Co-worker is on the phone with a customer.
Co-worker: No, I work in an office. And they make me wear pants.
400 Country Club Road
Eugene, Oregon
10AM Smoke Break
Brit #1: What the fuck is her problem anyway?
Brit #2: She's doing that thing.
Brit #1: What thing?
Brit #2: That Canadian thing where they pretend to be all nice because they're from Canada when really, [putting on Canadian accent] they're just, like, totally backstabbing dipshits, eh?' I mean what kind of idiots would settle in a place where it hits minus 30, anyway?
V Parku
Prague, Czech Republic
3PM Decaf Break
Implementation person: I usually don't get pregnant from moving into a new apartment.
Operations person: But that's the first step, though.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
10AM Send [Tim] Over to Tech Support
Manager: [Tim], are you going over the off-site location?
Intern: Yes, I have to pick up the loaner laptop for [Kelly].
Manager: Can you drop this off to shipping and receiving while you are there? Might as well stone 2 birds.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
1PM Lunch
Supervisor on phone: ...I dunno where. You like Korean food? Of course you do, you're one of them.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
12PM Sensitivity Training
Boss: We need to account for shipping to the Stans. You know what the Stans are, right?...You know, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iranistan, Kakistan, Islamastan...
Employees: ...
10418 Donner Pass Road
Truckee, California
9AM Back to Work
Deliveryman: I'm looking for the seventeenth floor.
Receptionist: You're on the eighteenth floor.
Deliveryman: Where's the seventeenth floor?
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
2PM Update Database
SysAdmin: What users do you want me to move to the Gig Harbor office?
User on speaker: [Melinda] from Kirkland.
SysAdmin: I show [Melinda] as being in Reno.
User on speaker: Oh, maybe that's her sister.
SysAdmin: Her sister is also named [Melinda]?...Hello?
User on speaker: Can I call you back on that?
8655 South Eastern Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
5PM That's a Wrap
Admin: What time is it in France?
Worker: I think it's February.
Admin: Really?
3239 Satellite Boulevard
Duluth, Georgia
4PM Group Meeting
Group Manager: Just to let you know, your boss went to go get his AIDS shot for his travel to India.
Co-worker: What I don't understand is, why don't we all get the AIDS shot?
Group Manager: Um, that was a joke.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: John Leffler
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker: Isn't it nice living so close to home?
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Lawyer: Sure, what's up?
Secretary: So you're Indian, right? I'm going to an Indian funeral today. And I'm not sure how to act.
Lawyer: Well...you're not supposed to laugh.
Secretary: But they're so Indian that they're going to have her cremated.
Lawyer: That doesn't mean you can laugh. Also wear all white.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Today was like International Day at McDonalds this morning. Not one person spoke with a Midwest accent...I was gonna be like, "Oh, they are so fucking up my breakfast."
Worker #2: Did you hear that there are more terrorists in Ohio?
Worker #1: Yeah? First they want to blow up our malls here in the city, now kill the President. They are always in Ohio. You never hear about them in like, Montana. That's where the Nazis are.
Worker #3: Yeah, the terrorists are up there on the 4th floor...You should go up there.
Worker #2: I'm not going up there.
Worker #1: They do have a nice floor up there.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Post Job Listing
Boss: It's not like she's moving to another state; she's just moving out of state.
70 Charles Lindbergh Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
11AM Invoices Due
Accounts Payable: I told you I shipped that invoice.
Accounts Receivable: It says on the label it was returned for address.
Accounts Payable: I wrote the right address. It says, "Little Rock, Kansasaw"!
Accounts Receivable: Oh, okay. Don't know why it got returned, then.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Oh no, they were serious
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: I ordered the print from that guy. I'm his first international sale: he's in Canada.
Worker #2: Canada cracks me up.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
4PM Department Meeting
Designer: Have you seen [Dustin] around?
Writer: Nope.
Designer: Hmm. I haven't checked his office yet.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM Coffee Break
Copywriter: Were you looking for me?
Designer: Sorry?
Copywriter: Before, when I was in that meeting...it looked like you were looking for me.
Designer: Ah...Where I walked over, sighed, and declared "Tragedy"; I was actually looking for the coffee. The window to your meeting room just happened to be behind the machine. You guys have better coffee than our side.
12655 Beatrice Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What did you bring for lunch today?
Co-worker #2: Leftover Indian food from last night.
Co-worker #1: Indian food, huh? Never had it. Is it good?
Co-worker #2: It's great. This type is vegetarian.
Co-worker #1: Vegetarian? I thought Indians eat buffalo.
6035 Peachtree Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Keith Canseco
3PM Smoke Break
Producer: So you're from Iowa?
Consultant: No, Ohio.
Producer: Illinois?
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.
900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Rewrite Memos
Co-worker #1: Can you believe the way that this memo is written? It's like every statement is questioning.
Co-worker #2: Maybe it was written in Canada.
120 East Washington Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Donnie Baker
4PM Quarterly Assessment Meeting
Regional Director: So our biggest problem last year was we tried to take over the whole world, and the whole world is a big place. We need to think small, concentrate on taking over individual countries first...like Wisconsin.
2100 South Priest Drive
Tempe, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
4PM Order New PCs
IT #1: I asked him if he was in the United States.
IT #2: I tell people if you want to buy a computer, call their support line. If you can't stand the accent, don't buy that computer.
1100 SW 6th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
12PM Mail Invoices
Co-worker #1: So do they have offices in the Northern part of Texas?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, like up in that chimney portion of the state.
Co-worker #1: Oh. I'll show you a fire.
Co-worker #2: What?
611 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Oh, I keep having these irrational dreams too. The other night I dreamt that I made this little mistake and it brought down like the entire company. And in the papers it said, "entire company went down because of this one stupid assistant!" And everyone knew my name and I couldn't get a job anywhere, so I have to move to Europe and marry a guy to get my visa. Then I was a product of domestic abuse because he knew I was co-dependent on him.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
1PM Lunch
Office Manager: How do you spell "Useta"?
Co-worker: Use it in a sentence.
Office Manager: I "useta" drink Cokes; now I only drink water.
Co-worker: That is an Arkansas word.
1700 Westpark Drive
Little Rock, Arkansas
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker #1: I'm going to go wander the halls. I'm gonna take this reading material.
Co-worker #2: Oh, those halls. Well, deck the halls.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
1PM Lunch
Girl: So Friday's your last day?
Guy: Yeah, I'll be working closer to home. I have an hour long drive to get here from my house.
Girl: Good thing you'll be working closer to home. Traffic will suck your soul.
800 South Douglas Road
Coral Gables, Florida
4PM Final Trip Preparations
Boss: Will my BlackBerry work in Thailand?
IT: Yeah, it will work anywhere in Europe.
One Allen Center
Houston, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
CSA #1: So today is the official start of winter. Who cares?
CSA #2: To some people that is important.
CSA #1: Like who, bears?
CSA #2: To some people it's a winter holiday
CSA #1: Like who, Canadians?
1000 Semmes Avenue
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Chastain
3PM Smoke Break
Suit #1: Over on 49th, there's a truck parked with a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis. It's to promote Cancun.
Suit #2: For you it's to promote a heart attack.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Cancer Break
Manager: We're in Gwinnett County. You need to be 10 feet from the walkway if you want to legally smoke.
Smoker #1: Like, isn't that unfair? What if you're a midget? Your feet would be about half the size of mine...No, seriously. Look how big my feet are! They're like twice the size of midget feet...Oh! You mean like a ruler!
Smoker #2: Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the metric system?
333 Research Court
Norcross, Georgia
9AM It's Going to End Badly Today
Co-worker #1: My corner is dark and quiet.
Co-worker #2: You should move over here.
Co-worker #3: Just make sure you don't wear Stevie Wonder glasses over at your corner.
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
10AM Visit Construction Site
Receptionist: What's that?
Worker: It's the Phoenix Project logo.
Receptionist: Why's there a bird on it?
Manager #1: You have got to be kidding?
Receptionist: What?
Manager #2: Bird, Phoenix? Hello?
Receptionist: I don't get it.
Clerk: Okay, the bird...it's a phoenix.
Receptionist: Phoenix is a city.
Clerk: ...Phoenix is, also, a mythological bird.
Receptionist: Named after the city?
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
9AM TGIF
Co-worker on phone: I have a trailer to be picked up...Yes, it is ready now. It's in a parking lot. You know, where cars park.
33 Shaws Lane
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disgruntled Cube Tenant
5PM Luckily We Do...for Four Days!
Customer: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Vietnam?
Employee: Um...no?
2063 Camden Avenue
San Jose, California
9AM Monday Does Rhyme with Funday
Co-worker: Hey [Trish], can you come here a sec?
Office Manager: Yeah, where are you?
Co-worker: I'm in the closet.
155 6th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Yet I Still Wish It Were Sunday...
Support Desk: I wonder why preachers are so hateful? Out of all the customers I've dealt with, preachers are all so mean. They're worse than Canadians
5330 East 31st Street
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: donrae moore
5PM That's My Cue to Leave
IT person: "New Jersey"? New Jersey is a state? I thought it was part of New York.
Grand Pavilion
Cayman Islands
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: We had Burger King breakfast in Mexico and it had refried beans and peppers in the eggs.
Manager: They were probably goat's eggs, not chicken eggs.
9353 Jefferson Highway
Maple Grove, Minnesota
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: So I was at the deli, and I asked for a third of a pound of meat. I asked the lady twice. She then gave me 1.5 pounds of meat. I said, "Excuse me, this isn't a third of a pound." Then she said,
"Yes, it is." Then I said, "No, it's not." So then she turns and asks her co-worker behind the deli counter how much a third of a pound is, and her co-worker replies, "Oh, a third of a pound is .75."...This is why I hate the South.
115 Perimeter Center Place
Atlanta, Georgia
10AM Contact Miami Offices
Senior Manager: [Justine] just asked me if you heard from the Miami system about the problem we had on Friday afternoon.
Manager: No. They were preparing for Wilma to hit them...oh, about now.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Another Day Draws to a Close
Co-worker #1: Okay guys, I'll see you next week. I'm heading off to Tennessee to see relatives.
Co-worker #2: Well, don't hook up with anybody.
456 North Kimball Place
Boise, Idaho
3PM Cigarette Break
Girl #1: You're from Utah?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Do they make you, like, wear bonnets there?
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: No.
1000 Longfellow Blvd
Lakeland, Florida
Overheard by: Denise
2PM Update Customer Database
Co-worker: If someone is from Puerto Rico, do you say that they're Mexican? Or Hispanic?
150 East 55th Street
New York, NY
10AM Reschedule Construction
Co-worker: No, no, on the second floor they're screwing; on the first floor they're banging.
251 Donald Street
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
2PM Pick Up Mail
Co-worker #1: Is [Hal] here?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: What should I do with the mail? Do you get it?
Co-worker #2: What do you do with the mail every day?
Co-worker #1: Put it on [Hal]'s desk.
Co-worker #2: Well then?
Co-worker #1: Well I wasn't sure. I forgot.
740 Sansom Street
Phiadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Distribute Atlases
Admin #1: Do you know how to spell Kazakhstan?
Admin #2: I didn't even know it existed.
79 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Meet the New Girl
Co-worker #1: Well, well, that's an interesting name! What backround is that?
Co-worker #2: It's Turkish.
Co-worker #1: Really! That's so interesting, because I just spent the last twenty years in Germany and there are apparently a lot of Turks there. I don't think I've ever actually met one, but there are supposed to be a lot of them there.
165 Markham Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Meeting
Employee #1: Where the hell were you?
Employee #2: In the bathroom.
Employee #1: For twenty minutes? God, I thought you were sleeping with the feces.
320 17 Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
1PM Lunch Hour
Patron: Can you please tell me where I can find post-modern American fiction?
Librarian: Post-modern? That would be in the future, there's no such thing.
Patron: Uh, okay. Can you tell me where science fiction is?
100 S. Potomac Street
Hagerstown, Maryland
Overheard by: Vince Valenzuela
4PM Return Truck
U-Haul guy #1: Okay! Pickup on the right...dropoffs on the left.
U-Haul guy #2: Yeah...Pickups on the left, dropoffs on the right.
U-Haul guy #1: What? No! You're fucking it up, dickhead!
3270 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Reset Clocks
Relic: Jerry, is California one hour or two hours behind us now?...What? Isn't there some time of the year when they are only one?
2828 N. Haskell Ave
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: cherry simon
1PM Lunch
Intern: So yeah, the first twenty minutes I was just sitting next to him in the breakroom I didn't say a single word.
Engineer: Does he freak you out that much?
Intern: Well no, I just thought he didn't speak any English.
Engineer: So you finally said something?
Intern: Yeah, I tried to make some small talk by asking what cubicle he sits in. But he spent the next 5-10 minutes trying to explain.
Engineer: He's not that bad at English...
Intern: I don't know. He kept asking what direction was North. By the time I made him point to it, I wished I never said anything. Seriously, what do cardinal directions have to do with your cubicle?
41131 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
3PM Coffee Break
Battleaxe: You know, pretty soon we'll start to see refugees from New Orleans at this school...I'd rather that than the Muslims.
695 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Carl Limbacher
Co-worker #1: Man, New Orleans has sure turned into something out of Lord Of The Rings.
Co-worker #2: Don't you mean Lord Of The Flies?
800 Hennepin Ave S
Minneapolis, Minnesota
1PM Going Away Party
Manager: Everybody hide and don't make any noise.
Employee: Um, we're in a cube. Exactly where do you want us to go?
Manager: Under the tables and behind the privacy screens. Now everyone shut up.
Employee: Considering John sits right next to this cube and these dividers aren't soundproof, this smoke and mirrors trick really is a failure.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
5PM Thank God the Weekend's Finally Here
Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, "the Parthenon?"
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's it! Aw man, today I've got...what's that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No...oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?
216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
12PM They're Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano
Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope they don't weigh me on the spot since I am not sure I will be less than 200 pounds unless it's in the morning, after I've had a pee, and I'm nude...Does anyone have any topics they'd like to add to the agenda for today?
Manager: Um...yeah, I do, but give me a minute.
560 McCarthy Boulevard
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: CW Slave
1PM I Hear They Chain Them to Their Workstations
Co-worker #1: Where's our IT department out of?
Co-worker #2: Woodland Hills, the valley, by LA. Porn capital of the world. They work for us by day, and then by night...
Co-worker #1: Maybe that's why they're so cranky all the time. They don't get any sleep at night.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Lewis Samuels
5PM You've Got All Weekend to Find One, Folks
Editor #1: I don't know why that French reporter couldn't find a transgendered person. It's not like transgendered people are a rare species that you can't find anywhere.
Editor #2: Maybe she didn't know where to look.
Editor #1: What do you mean, "where to look"? Transgendered people are everywhere.
487 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
7AM Just Take the Window and Make Us All Happy
Employee: I need to go to Accounting. What floor is that on?
Receptionist: It's on two.
Employee: Is that up or down?
11 West 53 St
New York, NY
12AM We Don't Have to Be Polite Because We Won
Japanese engineer: So how is Detroit?
American engineer: Well, Detroit is what Chicago would look like if a nuclear bomb blew up there.
Japanese engineer: Nuclear bomb?
American engineer: Yeah, you know, like what a city would look like after you dropped a nuclear bomb on it. Kinda like that.
300 Takatsuka
Hamamatsu, Shizuoka
Japan
1PM Only If It's Casual Friday
Co-worker #1: Hey, do we need to dress up when the Japs show up next week?
Boss: Don't ever refer to them as Japs! That's racist and very offensive. Please refer to them as Japanese instead.
Co-worker #2: Hey, while we're being all culturally sensitive and shit, can I show up to work dressed as a ninja to welcome them to America?
115 Perimeter Center Place, NE
Atlanta, Georgia
12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound
VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
1PM Dude, You're Not Getting That Dell!
Customer: Yeah, like I need to get this purchase authorized for school supplies and stuff.
CSR: Yes, sir. Can you tell me the primary cardholder's name?
Customer: Yeah, that would be me. My name is on the card.
CSR: No sir, you are on the account. I need the primary cardholder; is he available?
Customer: No, he is in Florida or Georgia or something. Dude call my Dad, he can tell you all about it.
CSR: I need to ask you some security questions first. Do you know the primary cardholder's date of birth?
Customer: Uh, dude, this really sucks...I can't remember his birthday...Dude that's pretty sad I don't even know my father's birthday.
CSR: OK, sir can you give me the last 4 digits of the social security number on the account for the primary cardholder.
Customer: Dude, are you kidding? I will tell you anything about me that you want to know I just want to get this stuff going, y'know?
CSR: Sir, can you hold?
Customer: Sure.
2 minutes pass.
CSR: OK sir, I have blocked the card. Please inform your father that he will need to give us a call to take the block off the card.
Customer. Dude, this fucking sucks. I have any information you need about me, why can't you call my dad?
CSR: I am not calling your dad sir, please inform him that he will need to give us a call to have the block taken off the card.
Customer: Dude you are really starting to piss me off, dude.
CSR: Sir you can't verify any of the security questions, and I can't approve this transaction.
Customer: ...Dude call my dad! He will give you anything you want to know.
CSR: I am not calling your dad, sir.
Customer: Dude, you have so just lost 4 accounts!
3615 Brotherton Road
Cincinnati, Ohio
7PM Not Only That, But the Planes Often Go Northeast!
West Virginia guy: Those Southwest email specials never give any deals on places people really want to go. Like I was looking for a flight to Indiana, they didn't have anything.
9211 Appleford Circle
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Doug Wilson
12AM More Salty, What with All That Sweat
Man: Yeah, they bring us all the way over to this new building and the air conditioner doesn't even work. It's June and ninety degrees, and no air conditioner...but it's not like I'm bitter or anything.
735 Brewerton Road
West Point, New York
12AM Yes, But They Go Left to Right
Drone #1: This is one thing I didn't miss last week.
Drone #2: What? Elevators?
Drone #1: Yeah.
Drone #3: Don't they have them in West Virginia?
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
4PM If You Don't Have Lunch, When Will You Talk Smack?
Older woman: It isn't good for your metabolism to eat too little.
Younger woman: Yeah, I remember when I was a kid and saw those starving African kids on TV. I said, "They aren't fat, look at their bellies!" That's what happens when you don't eat enough, you get bloated.
1500 University Drive
Billings, Montana
Co-worker #1: Do you want to go to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I'm on a diet.
Co-worker #1: But we're going to get ice cream afterward.
800 E. 96th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
12AM Earth: Nice Place to Visit
Boss: Well, what can I say? I love my home planet.
1480 64th Street
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
6PM Same Time Zone, Way Different Area Code
Employee: I just flew in from Spain yesterday, I'm totally jetlagged.
Department head: Spain? Is that in a different time zone?
4220 N. St. Louis Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
6PM That's Quite a Euphemism for Sex with Pale Fat Chicks
Lobbyist #1: You remember how it was in school...drinking, gambling,
and being investigated by the IRA.
Lobbyist #2: Don't you mean the IRS?
Lobbyist #1: No, the IRA. Irish Republican Army.
Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
6PM Pun on "State" or Stupidity? You Decide!
Worker guy #1: I love names that are states. Or cities. Madison, Dakota, Georgia...
Worker guy #2: Jordan...
733 Third Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: the temp
6PM Christ's Business Cards Were English-only
Woman on phone: I was supposed to make the business card English on one side and Japanese on the other, and I put Chinese...and I apologize for it, it was dishonest of me...I didn't think anyone would notice...but I'm a Christian person and I don't want to die and go to hell, I'd rather apologize and make it right and go to heaven...I know it's a little thing but I'm a Christian...
2301 South Third Street
Louisville, Kentucky
6PM He's Good at Receiving Info, Not Sending It
Receptionist guy: Ohhh, it's in the park!
Guest: Huh?
Receptionist guy: I'm addressing myself. I just chose you as the object I'm projecting upon.
454 W. 16th Street
New York, NY
12AM Don't Forget to Order Flowers for Sunday!
Suit #1: So your mother thinks the tsunami is what's causing the bad weather in California?
Suit #2: You never know, she may be right.
Suit #3: Mother is always right...Mother knows best...
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
4PM Congrats; Now Your Quote Outtravelled You
Co-worker: It's been my 12th year in this godforsaken country and I never made it past Baltimore.
2910 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Shara Jenkins
8AM Oh, Snapfish!
Middle Manager: Snapfish is right in downtown San Francisco.
Transsexual: Hmm, maybe I should go work for them.
Middle Manager: Oh, you'd love it, they're very diverse...They're all young. They're all under 40.
Transsexual: Oh, maybe I'm too old.
3404 East Harmony Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
4PM A Random (House) Overheard
Woman: ...and the doctor was like, "I've never seen so much wax in one ear before!", and I was like, "Can we just get on with this already? I'm on vacation in Hawaii!".
1745 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM Pope Cliff XVI
Coworker: Wait...John Ratzenberger?
430 Main Avenue
Norwalk, Connecticut
Maintenance guy: They shoulda had a Puerto Rican pope. Barbecue every weekend!
335 East 45th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Palaverist
12AM 15% is Customary
Jet-Setting boss: I have to go to fucking Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton, Wisconsin! What am I going to do there?
Secretary: Well, there's always cow-tipping.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Attention to Detail Gets You to the Top
Bank teller: Are you sure you sent the wire?
Branch manager: Yeah. I sent it to Sweden. Or Switzerland. Or some country that starts with an "S".
1281 Fulton Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Bee
12AM Microsoft Outlook Ain't What It Used to Be
Office girl: I know she's somewhere but not here right now.
555 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM Just Die (So We Can Resurrect You) Already
Office Manager: Are the purple ones grape?
Bored Admin: No, they're not
Office Manager: Are they sugar-free?
Bored Admin: Ah, no, they're not.
Office Manager: They look eastery!
111 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM "You mean this 'phone' device allows me to speak to other places?"
Guy: That person I just talked to was so nice. He sounded so relaxed, and people from New York never sound like that.
Woman: He's in Miami.
228 East 45th Street
New York, NY
7AM "Just kill the dissidents and get me my carpet!"
Rep: The King of Nepal has declared martial law and has cut off all
communication, so I cannot check the status of that rug order...
41 East 57th Street
New York, NY
12PM Phases of Arrogance, Idiocy and Ignorance
Coworker: Those people in the Tsunami, they deserved to die. They were being greedy, collecting fish from the sea...they should have known there are three phases of a Tsunami.
60 Livingston Avenue
St. Paul, Minnesota
12AM Actually It's Not Much of a City Either
Co-Worker #1: Do you know the generic country code of London?
Co-Worker #2: Umm, London is a city, not a country.
Co-Worker #1: Oh OK, was not aware.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
12AM And How Are the Rents in Your Town?
Senior Manager: They're paying him $70,000 a year. What is he going to do? Live in a shack in the Bronx?
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
12AM One Man's Prison Cubicle is Another Man's Castle
HR person: Here's your office. There are some shelves on order and they should be in next week, so you'll have to do with the desk and credenza.
New employee: But I thought I was getting a cubicle.
1701 1st Avenue
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: Holly Sparkman
8AM "Somewhere by the ocean, I think."
Girl: This whole thing is such a tragedy.
Guy: I know, I actually have some old friends there that survived, luckily.
Girl: Where is Tsunami, anyways?
21 Spectrum Pointe
Lake Forest, California
Overheard by: Brandon Walter
