Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
General Idiocy All Categories > Topics > General Idiocy
Recent | Best Of
11AM 10,000 CSRs Can't Be Funny
CSR #1 on phone: Hello, are you there? Marco? Marco?
CSRs #2 and #3, simultaneously: Polo? Polo?
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM I'm Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri
Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.
Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: shaking my head
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
5PM You Know You're Getting Old When the Kid from Jerry Maguire Is Having Children of His Own
Charity worker: His name was Brandon*, and he was about six and he has Down Syndrome and eye cancer, so he has one glass eye, but you can't tell. But sometimes it plops out. He also needs a major hip replacement, but he does walk most of the time. He can't talk. He's sooo cute.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Bora
4PM Why Do I Always Get the Callers with the Tough Questions?
Caller on speakerphone: Is so-and-so in?
Office girl: No, he's out for the week.
Caller on speakerphone: Okay, well, I had you transfer me to what's-his-name before. Is he in?
Office girl: No, I think he's gone for the day.
Caller on speakerphone: Do you even work there, or are you just an answering service?
Office girl: Ummm...
Wisconsin Avenue NW
Washington, DC
4PM The Next Ben Stiller Movie
Employee geek #1: Where are those boxes that UPS brought earlier?!
Employee geek #2: The brown ones with white labels?
Employee geek #1: Yeah, those! I need them ASAP!
Employee geek #2: I saw them next to your mom's bed last night! [Laughs.]
Employee geek #1: What? How did they get there?! Shit!
200 Sampson Place
Seattle, Washington
12PM They Could Call Me Peter Dust-Pan
Receptionist: You know He-Man and how when he lifts his sword he gets a sudden jolt of steroids?
Stylist: Yeah.
Receptionist: Well, wouldn't it be awesome if I could lift the broom and become a broom god?!
Stylist: Um, no.
Barber shop
Noblesville, Indiana
4PM No, on the Guy He's Kneeling Next To
Boss, looking at photograph: Geez, look at the smile on this guy!
Peon: That's a mustache.
Middlemount, Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: Glad he shaves...
5PM It's by Armenia and Azerbaijan -- You Add Eleven Hours... Wait, What?
Peon #1: I gotta call 'em. They're in Georgia. Is it too early?
Peon #2: What do you mean?
Peon #1: Aren't they behind us? What time is it there? ... Where's Georgia?
Clements Bridge Road
Barrington, New Jersey
Overheard by: worker on Eastern time
3PM He Took the Short Bus to Management School
Coworker: Actually, there are some plants that are flame retardant.
Manager: Ha! You said 'retard.'
1212 South Rangeline Road
Indiana
Overheard by: Just Listening
1PM It's Hard to Be Kind to the Example-Challenged
Assistant branch manager: Have you ever watched that show called Bizarre Foods?
Employee: No. What is it about?
Assistant branch manager: Well, it's this show called Bizarre Foods, and they have the most bizarrest foods!
Employee: ... Hence the name!
Northwest Parkway
Georgia
2PM Are You Unclear on What We Do Here?
Plaintiff: Yo, son, who is you to be judgin' me?
Civil court judge: I am the judge. It's my job to judge you.
Plaintiff: Whatever, yo.
Supreme Court
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: RP
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
9AM They're Equally Irrelevant to Intellectual Nutrition
Teacher: Do you all know your Roman numerals?
Student: Yeah -- aren't them those noodles you eat?
Rosedale Street
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: MsTchr4678
12PM You Do?
Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You
Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!
Portland, Texas
Overheard by: Kayte
2PM A Few Are Really Overweight
Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
3PM Some Fortune Cookies Get Lost in Translation
Intern: Today is not your year.
3250 Mary Street
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: my today wasn't so bad
10AM Defined My Terms Nicely
Female coworker: I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote my report in eyeliner.
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM God, I Love Doing That to Her
Manager: So, we should totally take a consensuous on that with the entire team.
Employee: Consensus.
Manager: What?
Employee: Consensus.
Manager, laughing: I should totally carry around a thesaurius with me! [Employee walks away.]
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: BeeMonstre
11AM It's Like She Won't Even Make an Effort to Be Normal
Woman peon, going to holiday party: So, did you RSVP to this, or just talk to Sandy*?
Bimbette peon: I RSVP-ed -- it's so rude not to. I have a friend who I always invite out, and she never comes.
Woman peon: I hate one-sided friendships.
Bimbette peon: Yeah, I mean, she has MS, but she's always using it as an excuse not to go out. I leave her phone messages, and her husband will call me back and say that she can't go out because her MS is bad. I mean, come on!
Woman peon: That's terrible. How long has she had it?
Bimbette peon: Since I've known her... So, 1995. But, I mean, can't you take a pill for something like that and be okay for a while? The least she could do is return a phone call.
8521 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Lindsay
3PM Why Grant Took Richmond, but Then Gave It Back
Worker bee: Oh, this is an ear. I thought it was something else.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
3PM No, No, Wait -- a Parking Meter!
Biology teacher: So, in conclusion, diffusion is ions separating from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.
15-year-old blonde: So it's like an orange, right?
High school
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: jess
1PM For the Last Time, Attending to Your Cuticles Isn't Your "Job"
Receptionist: Ugh! I don't understand how I can do my job when the phone keeps ringing!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: doing her job
10AM When the Boss Is Happy, We Can All Relax
Boss, quietly singing: I'm a chubby little monkey, monkey, monkey -- I'm a chubby little monkey...
Harris Street
Pyrmont
Australia
Overheard by: i am too!
1PM What? It Worked for Davy Crockett
Female coworker: First, let me choke a bear...
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Though He Has Been Tallying the Days in Crayon on His Crib Wall
Worker #1: How's everything with the baby?
Worker #2: He seems to be pleased with his accommodations. At least he hasn't complained verbally.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
1PM ... How Many of You Believe I Am a Douchebag?
Conference call leader: Okay, so, by a show of hands...
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"
Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.
9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez
11AM By Virtue of Entertainment Not Provided
Suit #1: You can't deny that Bryant Gumbel is an entertainer.
Suit #2: Yes, you can.
77 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
3PM If I Don't Give You the Visual, You'll Never Learn
Cube guy #1: Wow, that girl with Tina* is hot. Who is she?
Cube guy #2: That's her daughter.
Cube guy #1: Damn, man! Why isn't she my daughter?
Cube guy #2: What does that mean?
Cube guy #1: I dunno. I meant--
Cube guy #2: --Dude, that means you'd have to sleep with--
Cube guy #1: --I know, I know, I'm sorry! Messed up... You didn't have to give me the visual.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
2PM And Leap Weeks
Bimbette: Twenty days -- that's, like, five weeks, right?
Patient peon: No.
Bimbette: I mean, business days.
Patient peon: ... No.
Mercer Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: choking on giggles
5PM Sadly, the Answer to "Where's the Bathroom?"
Consultant giving directions over phone: Yeah, it's like an hour away. An hour and a half at the most. Actually, it could be more like two hours... Or two and a half. Probably more like three. About four, I'd say.
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
10AM Why Professors Drink.
Professor: So, what did you think of the reading?
Student: Well, when I read the first part, I was like, 'Dang!'
Professor: Um...
Student: And when I read the last part, I was like, 'Dang! I mean, dang!'
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
1PM Likewise.
Office lady #1: It's so cold in here. Oooh! The hair on my arm is sticking up -- I didn't even know I had hair.
Office lady #2: Of course you do! You're a mammal...
Office lady #1: No, I'm Chinese! Oriental!
Male coworker: I have got to write this down.
185 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control
Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.
2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon
2PM And the Bar's Set Pretty High in Australia
CSR #1, after moving offices: Does the mouse get plugged into the monitor or the computer?
CSR #2: [Stares in disbelief and silence, and then starts laughing.]
CSR #1: I can't believe I just said that. That's the most stupid question I've ever heard!
Perth
Australia
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Now, for Your Homework, Copy Page 49 of the Textbook
Biology professor: You can't just come up with your own hypotheses!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
9AM For Those Who Feel Bad about Quitting College
Engineer lady: The price of first class stamps is now 41 cents!
Engineer guy: If they made them in China, they'd be a lot cheaper.
3003 West Casino Road
Everett, Washington
5PM Hint, Hint.
Post-doc: I see... You condition the mouse to know that it gets a treat after you pick it up.
Professor: Exactly. 'I know I'm happy when you touch me and give me food!'
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM ... Where I Went to School
Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That's in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that's the Magic Kingdom...
Woman: Oh, you're right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Service Dispatcher
1PM Goodness -- It Certainly Isn't
Shipping manager: Man, something smells good over here!
Nearby cube girl: It's not me!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Countin' down the days...
11AM I Need a Birthday Present for My Daughter
UPS guy: Hey [FedEx guy] -- while you're in there, can you pick me up some of those neon green spandex?
FedEx guy, delivering to American Apparel: Thong or panties?
UPS guy: Thong -- extra-small.
Story Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Why Vacations Were Invented
Suit dancing with self through cubicles: Hubba, hubba! Ding, ding! I dance like a washing machine!
Cottonwood Lane
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: I don't dance at all...
9AM I'll Always Regret Getting That Question Wrong on My AP Exam
Old man peon looking at photograph: This is dated 1873 -- a year before Pabst won the ribbon!
Washington, DC
4PM Tell Him This Is No Way to Treat His Mother
Salesman on phone: Yes, I'm calling to speak to Stan*.
Guy answering phone: One moment, I'll see if he's in the office. [Muffled] Stan, there's someone on the phone for you. What should I tell them?
Stan: No, tell them I'm not here.
Guy answering phone, to salesman: I'm sorry, sir, he must have stepped out. Hhe's not in the shop.
Salesman: Are you kidding? I could hear you yell, 'Stan, there's someone on the phone for you,' and then he yelled back, 'Tell them I'm not here...'
Guy answering phone: Oh, sorry... Yeah, I should have muted it. Yeah, he's actually in the shower right now and can't get to the phone.
Salesman: ... I'll call back later.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
1PM I Think I May Have Had a Stroke
Senior officer: The event went really well. The speaker was fantastic.
Mid-level officer: Oh, who was the speaker?
Senior officer, after long pause: I gotta go.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
2PM No Good Will Come of Doing the Math on This
Receptionist, twirling: I love my skirt today. It's lovely. It's all loose and twirly.
Admin assistant, passing by: Just like you!
Receptionist, brightly: Better than being tight and clingy!
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Or the Philadelphia Equivalent
Employee #1: I've never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It's getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don't care about how it looks. I'm just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM You're Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia
Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.
I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM ... That Your Coffee Was Poisoned
Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that--
Boss: --Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
1PM Under Citizenship, Just Put 'Good'
Auditioning guy: So, what should I put down for 'Citizenship'?
Casting intern #1: Were you born in the United States?
Auditioning guy: Yes.
Casting intern #1: Then put down that you're a U.S. citizen.
Auditioning guy: Does it matter that I moved to Oregon for eight months?
Casting intern #1: Did you really just--
Casting intern #2, cutting him off: --No, it doesn't matter.
MTV dating show auditions
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Liz
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
9AM That's Who?
Old hacker: You look like Che Guevara... You don't know who that is, do you?
Young artsie #1, sheepishly: No...
Young artsie #2: Did you see Motorcycle Diaries?
Young artsie #1, excitedly: Yes! [Sadly] But I don't remember it.
Young artsie #2: That's him.
6th and Washington
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Hack Prime
2PM Is That the Code of the West?
Coworker: All the hot guys kill people! Well, at least the black ones.
Pecos and Sunset Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM And Certainly Not to France
Lady peon #1: Chipotle's burritos are, like, so good!
Lady peon #2: Yeah, I know. Carol*, have you ever had one?
Carol: Uh, I've never been out of the country...
5813 South Kenwood Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wow
12PM Faced with an Employee Like This, Voicemail May Be Your Best Option
Worker bee: I don't have his cell phone, but he's always at his desk... Except when he isn't.
4339 Corporate Center Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
11AM Now Hop on One Foot While I Take Your Wallets
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don't feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain...
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow...
Miami, Florida
4PM The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!
Coworker on phone: You have to go East... How should I know? I don't know East from West!
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
11AM Much Easier to Swallow Than Madonna
Cashier: Will this be all?
Lady: I also want one Kabbalah. [Cashier looks at her, puzzled.] This dessert [points into case].
Cashier: Baklava, ma'am.
Port of Piraeus Café, 13th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.
1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Kirsten
10AM If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up
CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don't think they'll remember the grad date they said... But it's not actually a year...
Ad manager: But it's good for a year. Doesn't it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn't. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can't say a year if it isn't a year.
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: all ears
9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk
Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Take Part in This Quick Survey and We Can End This Charade
University phone solicitor: So, did you hear that the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences has a new dean?!
Guy being solicited: I don't really care.
University phone solicitor: Me neither.
Jefferson and McClintock Avenue
Los Angeles, California
3PM You Mean Rhode Island Red?
Lady suit: Did you see that chicken?
Male suit: What?
Lady suit: Yeah, the chicken with the keyboard...
Male suit: Um...
120 Fairview Park
Washington, DC
11AM And Then Offered Us a Bite
Cube dweller #1: Oooh, Friday is in full swing.
Cube dweller #2: What makes you say that?
Cube dweller #1: You just used the phrase 'fetus piece.'
35 Thorpe Avenue
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: jesse
12PM The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock
Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock -- John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence -- that's where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.
City Hall
San Francisco, California
1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.
Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Zoos
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Translation: I Would Kill to See You in Shorts
Worker bee: Are you new here?
Temp: Oh, I'm just temping.
Worker bee: Do you like it?
Temp: Yeah, I'm really enjoying it here.
Worker bee: It's so casual.
Temp: Yeah, I'm glad I can just wear jeans.
Worker bee: You could wear shorts if you wanted. I mean, I don't know if you wear shorts, but people here do, so you totally could. If you wanted.
6300 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Nick Lachey Was in the Bee Gees
40-ish supervisor: You're listening to the Bee Gees? Wasn't Leif Garrett in the Bee Gees?
20-ish employee #1: All I know is that someone in the group committed suicide.
20-ish employee #2: No, Leif Garrett was in the Beatles.
1241 Dyer Road
Santa Ana, California
9AM Do You Need an Epipen?
Marketing guy: If 20 characters is the limit for a line, why is it wrapping?
Patient web developer: I used a fake string and we changed the font since then -- some letters are wider than others, so I have some work to do to get it to fit.
Marketing guy: Hmmm... I like it saying 'System Requirements' versus just 'Requirements.'
Patient web developer: ... How many characters is in 'System Requirements'?
Marketing guy: Nineteen characters, including the blank space between the words.
Patient web developer: Right.
Marketing guy: So, how much would that jack with things to be able to fit 19 characters on a line?
Patient web developer: Dude, c'mon. If 20 fits, then 19 will fit.
Marketing guy: That seems like some advanced math to me.
Patient web developer: Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to get all math-y on you.
2550 SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Snotted My Water
2PM Usually That's a Line I Reserve for the Massage Parlor
Ethics professor: So, if Mr. Wiener, some new lawyer, imputed his conflict to the firm, you're going to have a lot of unhappy lawyers. They'll be like, 'You suck, Wiener!' ... Oh, God, did I just say that?
Malibu, California
Overheard by: ktmonster
10AM Listening Is the Critical Skill in Sales
Customer: Do you carry mattresses? [Sales woman looks confused.] Mattresses... Beds... Can you tell me where those are?
Sales woman, pointing at elevators: Oh, yes, right over there.
Customer, speaking slowly: No, I said, 'Where are the mattresses?' The beds... What floor?
Sales woman: Oh, I don't think we carry those. I thought you said 'elevator.'
Department store, Paramus Mall
Nyack, New York
Overheard by: RobynPuff79
5PM You Can See the Blue Screen of Death behind Her Eyes
Office wench: I ordered those things you wanted!
Boss: Did you?
Office wench: I think...
Boss: Thanks.
513 Progress Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: cubical dweller
4PM Godless Liberal Pacifists That They Are
Office girl #1 while watching the patriots vs colts game: Who are you rooting for?
Office girl #2: New England.
Office girl #1: Hey, where is New England, anyway?
Office girl #2: Ummm, it's a region up North.
Office girl #1: Oh, I knew it was in Canada somewhere!
Woodbridge, Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
12PM But the Horrified Looks on My Kids' Faces Always Set Me Straight
Sales guy: My daughter had a book when she was little called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: ... Huh?
Sales guy: She had a book called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: I thought that was one of your porn movies...
Sales guy: Well, it might be that, too. Porn and children's books... I get them confused.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
1PM My Hard Drive's Been Zionized
Bored tech guy: Can I help you?
Bimbette: Yeah, um, I need an update on my anti-Semitic virus program.
Bored tech guy: You mean 'Symantec'?
Bimbette: Yeah, that's what I said -- anti-Semitic.
Quinnipiac University
Hamden, Connecticut
12PM They're Considering Sacking Us
Peon: I can't believe they're having us do this even though we're the low men on the scrotum pole!
Times Square
New York, New York
4PM His Death Was Ruled a Justifiable Homicide
Cube rat to neighbor: I think it's worth six million dollars. Wait, I didn't write six million, I wrote six thousand... Or is that your writing? ... Oh, that's the square footage... Duh...
1477 Lansdowne Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: slacker
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
11AM A Rip in the Space-Time Continuum? Very Bad.
Suit #1: Hey, Jeff*, has there ever been a Friday-the-13th on a Monday?
Suit #2: Uh...
Suit #1: Man, that would be the worst day ever.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM But My Ability to Double Entendre Is Functioning Quite Well
CSR: Hang on, I'll use my fingers... My head isn't working today.
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: 23 minutes longer & i'm outta here
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
1PM If Anyone Asks, We're 10-Year-Old Orphans Who Live in a Maytag Box
Sorority girl #1: I'm just worried we aren't going to have enough money.
Sorority girl #2: No, we wrote a letter to Oprah.
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: frightened grad student
11AM Despite Anything You May Have Heard
Worker: It's not chaos, it's pandemonium. They should call it pandemonium. It's a conundrum.
Traffic manager: I don't want a conundrum in my mouth!
3311 Oak Lawn
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: erin
5PM And the Makeup Sex Is to Die For
Guest speaker: Domestic violence is hot.
Berkeley, California
4PM ... It's Probably Time for a Haircut
Coworker to intern: I mean, not that you're a terrorist, but...
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Seriously?
3PM Oh, Sure, Now That You Put It That Way
Coworker #1, carrying on secret relationship with #2: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Coworker #1: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Hospital
New York
10AM We Will Now Commence with the Floggings
Manager: Okay, creatives, since [creative director] is away this week, I've decided to make you comfortable: Motherfucker, cunt, snatch, bitch, motherfucker!
Adelaide Street
West Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just passing through
9AM Someone's Been Listening to State of the Union Addresses Again
Waitress #1: What's with your couple at table five? It's impossible to tell how old they are. They could be in their 20s or 50s.
Waitress #2: That's 'cause they're foreign. All foreign people look like vampires.
River Street
Savannah, Georgia
4PM Whoever Answers the Phone Will Be Happy to Abuse You
Office girl on phone: I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Is there something I can do to you? Shit. I mean for you?
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Christina
4PM We Couldn't Even Give Away the Faux Faux-Leather Ones
Make-up counter girl: ... And can I interest you in our free gift?
Customer: Sure! What is it?
Make-up girl: It's a real faux leather bag!
Department store, 34th Street
New York, New York
11AM Afford Homes
Peon #1: Yeah, I got the printer from this place that sells refurbished computers. Homeless people do it.
Peon #2: Ahhh, homeless people. What can't they do?
12 Desbrosses Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace
11AM Can't Get Much Safer Than That
Lady employee to friend: Looks like we're both going solo together tonight.
Club, 815 V Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Matt
4PM Hey, It's Your Name
CSR on phone: Your name, please?
Client: Patti Thomson*. That's Thompson, without a P.
CSR: No P in Patti?!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Trying to Turn on the Wheels in Her Brain Is the Hard Part
Blonde peon #1: My husband just texted me to tell me to turn on my all-wheel drive. He must think I'm an idiot.
Blonde peon #2: Well, it is icy.
Blonde peon #1: I mean, I only have four-wheel drive.
18th and Oak Streets
Kansas City, Missouri
4PM Geez, Don't Be Such an Eyeore.
Bank assistant VP #1: It all comes, said Pooh, of not hiring the right people.
Bank assistant VP #2: Exactly... Wait, did you say 'said Pooh'?
9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
12PM Uses Perfect Grammar When Speaking to Himself
Employee, after hanging up with client: That was the most stupidest person I have ever spoke to.
44th Street and Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Grammatically Offended Boss
11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?
Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.
2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
1PM Cheney: I Swear, I Go through This Every Day!
Employee #1: I was just printing that thing you asked for!
Employee #2: This isn't what I asked for.
Employee #1: Yes, it is -- it's hotel information.
Employee #2: It is, but I asked you for information on a meeting.
Employee #1: Okay...
Employee #2: ... And you printed hotel information.
Employee #1: Right.
Employee #2, sighing: Where is the meeting information?
Employee #1: Oh! The meeting! You should have just said that in the first place, silly!
Employee #2: I-- Just forget it.
Employee #1: Okie dokie!
Waltham, Massachusetts
12PM Something Wrong with Your Lap, Buddy?
Old sales associate: Can I help you find something?
Customer: Yeah, where are the TV trays?
Old sales associate: Huh?
Customer: TV trays -- which aisle are they in?
Old sales associate: I don't know what those are.
Customer: The trays you have in front of you while you watch TV. You know, TV trays. People eat on them.
Old sales associate: I don't think we sell those, but you might want to check Electronics.
Customer: Uh, sure.
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Wherever That Might Be
Dean: I don't think we can be the best in the United States, but I do think we have a shot at being the best in the world.
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?
Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!
Connecticut
2PM Rocky IV Put Her into a Deep Depression for Weeks
Male peon: I'm confused... What ever happened to the dad on Good Times? Did he actually die?
Lady peon: I don't think so, but I'm going to be really sad when Carl Weathers dies.
51st Street and Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Promise Never to Play My Waterfall CD in the Office Again
HR drone: I apologize for any incontinence this may have caused.
Yonkers, New York
10AM Even the Attorney General Can't Do That Indefinitely
Helper: You're wonderful -- like a pie face.
Receptionist: Like a pie face? Wonderful people are like pie faces?
Helper: Um, obviously you don't understand I have my own language.
Receptionist: ... Well, then what's a pizza foot?
Helper: Look, you can't just be making things up!
4601 Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
9AM Tell Me How You Know That
Older receptionist: I can't believe they're making such a big fuss over Tom Brady's baby. I mean, you know he's going to be a great dad. He'll pay for everything. That kid is going to be very well-endowed.
Secretary: Uh... Right...
200 Clarendon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: secretariat
4PM Socialism Was Fleeting but the Bud Light Dog Is Forever
Teacher: Does anyone know what Sputnik was?
Student: That's, like, a dog, right?
High school
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kong
3PM "Janey's Got a Gun"?
Music industry worker: I want to hear that one pretty song about her dad dying.
150 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM With No Yeast?
Employee: Hi! Can I help you?
Woman: Can I have a six-inch BLT on Italian?
Employee: I'm sorry, we're out of Italian.
Woman: Can I just have white bread?
Employee: That's the same as Italian.
Woman: Do you have plain bread?
13600 Solomons Island Road
Solomons, Maryland
Overheard by: I hate Jared.
1PM It's Really Just Packaging
Cop: Pick me up a diet water.
Secretary: If they don't have diet, is regular okay?
Police department
New Jersey
5PM Don't Get Out Much?
Employee on phone: How's the weather there? Is it sunny?
Speaker: It's raining.
Employee on phone: Oh. So is the sun shining?
Des Moines, Iowa
9AM Pointless Self-Glorification?
Employee emerging from stockroom, singing: Tookie's in the house! Y'all already know what he's about!
Office supply store
New York, New York
Overheard by: NCS
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
4PM I-W-I-S-H-I-C-O-U-L-D-F-I-R-E-Y-O-U
Boss: Hey, how do you spell 'Japanese'? [Peon spells it.] Hmmm, do you think she was Japanese? How do you spell 'Chinese'? [Peon spells it.] I don't know if she was Chinese, though... Here's what we'll do -- [begins typing letter] 'The child speaks Asian...' Wait, how do you spell 'Asian'?
1000 West Central Road
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Overheard by: I work here?
12PM I Beg Your Pardon
Coworker: So, when a new client comes in we lock them up in the Olive Garden.
Manager, after a moment: You mean 'walled garden'?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I am hungry
3PM Maybe Back When We Had a Functioning Democracy They Were
Government employee #1, explaining the organization: Yeah, we do a lot of work with countries in Africa and South America... Countries without functioning democracies...
Government employee #2: But wait -- we've worked with England and Japan, too. It's not just the B-list countries.
Government employee #3: Wait, aren't all countries B-list in relation to the U.S.?
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
5PM Hint: Last Year's Office Christmas Party
Merchandiser #1: Do you really want to name this catalog spread 'Circle Jerk'? Doesn't that sound a little porn-ish?
Merchandiser #2: Why? What do you think 'circle jerk' means?
Monroe, Louisiana
4PM After Luring and Shooting It
Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body.
100 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: C-Rizzy
11AM He Would've Just Used Them for Sex... Oh, Wait.
Bimbette employee: I mean, like, if you gave Thomas Jefferson the Internet, he totally wouldn't have freed the slaves.
Department store
New Hartford, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
9AM A Concept As Realistic As Pixie Dust
Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM Or, As I Affectionately Call Him, "G Love"
Employee on phone: G as in 'Jesus.'
8604 Cliff Cameron Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
3PM Why You Should Never Work with Your Wife
Coworker: Hey, Jill*, do we have any in stock?
Jill: Yes.
Coworker: Do you even know what I'm looking for?
Jill: No.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: SK
5PM Perhaps the World's Fattest
CSR: I always put '25' when it's supposed to be '52.' I must be anorexic.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
5PM But Let's Send the Troops in Anyway
Office monkey #1: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Office monkey #2: But what if it isn't?
Office monkey #3: Then it won't be.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Office monkey #4
3PM Or Be in Charge of Re-Filling the Milk Pitcher
Female coworker: Do you think you can have your nipples removed? I mean, I would never do it, but for a man? He doesn't need them. They don't breastfeed, so they're totally useless. I would be disturbed if I ever saw a man lactating... Yeah, this is why I shouldn't think.
Doughnut shop
Quincy, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disturbed Coworker
5PM That's the Last Time I Try Barium As a Weight-Loss Drink
Librarian: Your card is locked because there appears to be ketchup or chocolate milk all over this book you returned. You have to pay for a replacement.
Patron: It's vomit. I don't do chocolate milk.
Librarian: You still have to pay.
Public library
Park Ridge, New Jersey
Overheard by: Part Time Librarian
11AM Not Physically Possible? Someone's Never Read the Bible
Office girl #1: Is it raining out?
Office girl #2: No way, it's sunny! Unless it a sun shower.
Office girl #1: A sun shower is not physically possible.
Office girl #2: Ummm, you've never seen it rain while the sun's out?
Office girl #1: Oh, I thought you meant literally, like giant balls of fire falling from the sky...
Michigan
Overheard by:
5PM I Don't Get It
Employee #1: I'm going to this funny movie tomorrow.
Employee #2: Which one?
Employee #1: I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where Sasha Baron Cohen comes as a guy from Kazakhstan named "Borat."
Employee #2: Oh, yeah, Borat!
Employee #1: Right, and I still can't remember the title!
4250 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: end of days is here
1PM I'm Tired of Dating Doughboys
Jersey office girl: Hey, my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: Dumpling?
Jersey office girl: Yeah! You're my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: A dumpling is not so nice. I'd rather be a bread stick.
West 28th Street
New York, New York
4PM Burt Bacharach: Dammit!
Worker bee: There's nothing more romantic than porn falling on your head...
Palmer Street
Missoula, Montana
4PM Isn't Easy Being a Preacher, Is It?
Boss: The more questions you ask, the more explanations I have to give.
Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
2PM To Make Up for Their Overwhelming Idiocy
Office assistant #1: Oh, I see you got braces. Congrats. But aren't they awfully expensive?
Office assistant #2: Yeah, but it's worth it... At least my future children will have straight teeth!
Moscow
Russia
1PM Only Less Preachy
Bimbette reading back of Animal Farm: Wait... This is just like Charlotte's Web!
Book store
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Really?
3PM I Don't Need a Gel Mousepad -- I've Got Breast Implants
Male paralegal : No one's gonna use it but me. I'll hide it.
Female secretary: What?
Male paralegal: But I'll let you feel it.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: WTF is he talking about
1PM No.
Customer: Can I have one of these items that is in a box?
Employee: Of course [retrieves item].
Customer: Can you check to make sure it isn't broken?
Employee: No problem! [Cuts tape and opens box.]
Customer: Great! Now, can I have one that hasn't been opened?
670 University Avenue
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Shaking Head in Disbelief
9AM That Clarification Smells Fishy
Coworker: Can I get the first initial of your last name?
Insurance rep: 'C' as in 'pussy.'
Coworker: I'm sorry -- 'C' as in what?!
Insurance rep: 'C' like 'pussy.' You know -- pussycat.
Doctor's office
Dallas, Texas
1PM We Work for Smithfield, for God's Sake!
Worker bee, discussing his 75-year-old uncle's brain injuries: I don't want him to be a vegetarian for the rest of his life!
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: worker bea
4PM You've Dropped an Ice Cube in Your Stomach?
Worker #1: See this article on how ice makes you gain weight?
Worker #2: That's so true, because if you drop an ice cube in your stomach it has to melt before it can be absorbed.
Staten Island
New York
3PM You Dare Find My Motivational Slogans Laughable?
Boss: There's no 'I' in 'unity'! Wait... There's no 'me' in 'team'!
Employees: [Laughter.]
300 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM You're Cruisin' for Another Time-Out
Peon, reading: 'The essence of client trust accounting is contained in these three words: Client, trust, accounting.' Really? I would have thought more like, 'Thermometer, Frankenstein, candle.'
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Jeffner
1PM With the Bloody Daggers and Vests of Human Hair?
Attorney: Can we file this psychopathically?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Legal Cube-Dweller
1PM So People Are My Raw Material
Cube dweller #1: Hey, I'm a people person.
Cube dweller #2: What are you talking about? You're a make-fun-of-people person!
1000 East 116th Street
Carmel, Indiana
1PM A Good Way to Get People to Stop Sending You E-mail
Worker bee: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna pee on the carpet! I got the e-mail about that 11-thousand-dollar deal! [Stands up up and lifts leg] Psss... Psss... Look at me! I'm the cat! I'm peeing on the carpet!
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM I Think We Can Do Even Better
Lady customer: I need a phone that'll work all year -- all three hundred sixty-two days.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Like Alternate-Side Parking
Account manager: Um, it's called the UK. Sometimes it's a country, and sometimes it's not.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: When is it not?
1PM Creativity? I'm an Engineer
Male coworker: I would take Beyoncé's face, Beyoncé's legs, Beyoncé's arms, Beyoncé's body, and Beyoncé's ass and put them all together to make my dream woman... And I'd name her Beyoncé.
4510 Maplecrest Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Bk-Bitch
9AM How'd They Get There from the West?
Peon: I think she's Indian.
Boss: American Indian? We don't have a lot of those!
Peon: No, Asian Indian.
Boss: They have Indians in Asia?!
5th and Market Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Contempt-Resistant Plastic Coming Right Up
Bagger: What kind of bag would you like?
Dismissive shopper: You pick. I haven't been here in a while, so I don't know what the options are.
7504 Aurora Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
11AM Would You Like to Adopt Me?
Employee: Can I have your first and last name?
Customer: I don't have one.
715 Jefferson Street
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Plus, I'm a Cat Owner, If You Follow Me
Receptionist #1: Oh we're sorry.
Male customer, trying to pick up his cat from the vet: What?
Receptionist #1: We were talking about personal stuff.
Receptionist #2: Yeah, aren't we typical women? Talking about guys?
Male customer: Well, to be honest, like a typical guy, I wasn't paying attention.
Magazine Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
9AM If You Know What I'm Saying
Female customer: You know, Walt Disney was afraid of mouses.
Friend: Yeah, he also had one in his house.
501 West Lincoln Trail Boulevard
Radcliff, Kentucky
10AM Professor, LionsGate Films on Line #2
Literature professor: I don't mean to turn Baudelaire into a snuff film... I mean, a slasher film! A slasher film! Oh, never mind.
Batelle Building, University, Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: nic
5PM I'll Connect You with the Delphic Oracle
Manager answering phone: XYZ Company*. Can I help you?
Caller: Accounts Receivable, please.
Manager: Do you have a general billing question or is this regarding a specific invoice?
Caller: Exactly.
Manager: [Silence.]
1306 Dahlgren Avenue
Washington, DC
4PM The Architect Insisted the Museum Have a Rumble Seat
Library supervisor: Can you hand me those staplers? I've gotta take them back to those who dwell in the rear.
Library
Columbia, South Carolina
9AM When the Original Stanley Died, I Got His Name Tag
Customer: ... And before I go, can I get your name, Stanley*?
Stanley, the salesman: Um... Well, it's... Stanley.
Canton, Michigan
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
12PM He's Been Coming in a Lot More Since He Got Fired
Suit: When Barry* is out, who should get this report?
Boss: Give it to Barry -- he's in.
Suit: When I asked Susan* I thought she said he wasn't working today.
Boss: She's absolutely right. But he is here today.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
11AM Though It Did Help Me Get into Princeton
Coworker #1: I was a munchkin in high school. My only line was 'Cry-meny!'
Coworker #2: You mean 'crih-miny'?
Coworker #1: Well, there goes my moment in the sunshine.
300 Witherspoon Street
Princeton, New Jersey
12PM A Ninja Pirate Robot Bunny?
Nerd #1: Done! Like a bunny, I am quick!
Nerd #2: Like a ninja bunny!
Nerd #1: ... A ninja, pirate bunny!
Telephone company
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: Jesus Christ
2PM Earl Takes Issue with the Gregorian Calendar
Clerk: This form is made out for June 31st, but there isn't any June 31st.
Salesman: Why not? Is this a leap year?
Brunswick, Georgia
Overheard by: Julian Calendar
1PM And Then We Invaded Iraq
Worker bee: I love the smell of gasoline. I'd sniff gasoline all day long, if it wouldn't, you know, kill you.
2000 East El Segundo Boulevard
El Segundo, California
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
5PM And, You Know, Agony
Male desk drone, stretching: I'd love one of those medieval torture tables, y'know?
Female coworker: Uh, the rack?
Male desk drone: Yeah! I love stretching.
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
11AM I'm Having One Now
Office girl: This magazine says that men, on average, have sex 84 times a year.
Older math geek: Hmmm. That's like one and a half times a week.
Office girl: What do you mean, 'half'? There are no half-times when it comes to sex.
Older math geek: Trust me, there are.
Chantilly, Virginia
9AM Aren't You a Little Curious about the Monkey Pushing the Mail Cart?
Boss: I have no idea what goes on, and that's the way I like it!
Balltown Road
Schenectady, New York
1PM I Once Was Lost, but Now Am TBD
24-year-old hotel suit: Excuse me, sir, can I help you find something?
Meeting attendee, wandering around: Yes! Where is room TBD?!
Fancy hotel
Rosemont, Illinois
Overheard by: Jaw dropping in disbelief
12PM Those Are Real?
Account rep: Is this other elevator still broken?
Receptionist: Correct.
Account rep: But, but, isn't that, like, a fire hazard?
Receptionist: Um, see those signs that say 'In case of fire, do not use elevators'?
Account rep: Oh. Right.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: glad she's not a firefighter
5PM Just to Bachelorette Parties
New assistant on phone: Hang on, I have to look up our address... Well, I've never had to mail myself to work.
Renaissance Center
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: JuJu
1PM And Nobody Will Talk about Building 231
Intern: You'd expect building 233 to be right next to 230, but 230 is, like, totally inside and 233 is totally, like, right here.
NASA Ames Research Center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
11AM I Can Turn This Single into One If You Have a Paint Pen
Receptionist: No, cash or check only. [Student reveals he only has nine dollars.] Hm. Do you have a 10-dollar bill?
UMW Student Accounts Office
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Guillermo
9AM Free Will in the Delivery Room
Coworker, about a newborn: Then her husband cut the Biblical cord...
171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM I'm Talking Quantum-Singularity Black
Manager: Could you make this a lighter red?
Designer: You mean pink?
Manager: No, not pink. A lighter red.
Designer: Uh...
Manager: And this part here -- do you have a darker black?
Designer: No, black is pretty much black.
Manager: Well, it needs to be darker than black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: bobby
5PM Our Role in the Service Industry?
Employee to another: You're down on your hands and knees eating a banana. How do you not know what that symbolizes?
Route 209 and Weir Lake Road
Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
3PM God, Will This Freakin' Day Ever End?
Worker bee: So, there are seven categories, and each category has seven sections. Seven times seven is... a lot.
Mercer Street and Fairview Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: passed 3rd grade math
1PM Where Do You Buy the Big Paper?
Algebra TA: Um, did anyone get this answer?
Dude #1: Well, I did, but it was after many beers and a really big piece of paper.
Dude #2: That's the philosophy of math, isn't it?
University of Pittsburgh, 3990 5th Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Didn't get the same answer
11AM Professor Prospero Is Interdisciplinary to a Fault
Grad student presenter: ... So we think that the protein might be diffusing.
Professor: Well, according to the dream I had last night, that couldn't happen.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
2PM If It's Not Coming, We Need to Know
Suit: We need that information RSVP.
Minion: Uh, ASAP?
Suit: I don't think so.
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Joe
11AM Nice Work If You Can Get It
HR girl: Have you looked at that guy's resume?
HR guy: Yeah, but I'm a little concerned about his spermatic work history.
HR girl: ... Sporadic?
HR guy: Yeah. My bad.
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR girl 2
10AM Just Getting You Back for the Infamous Glitter Incident of '05
Coworker entering another's cube with hole-puncher, stack of paper, and beginning to punch holes: If I do this in my office, then there will be little paper circles all over my floor, and that's really annoying.
1632 Da Vinci Court
Davis, California
9AM You Guys from Nantucket Are So Sensitive
Cube rat #1: Dude, I'm going to send you a poem.
Cube rat #2: Okay.
Cube rat #1: Don't get offended, okay?
Cube rat #2: Okay.
Cube rat #1: Dude, promise me you won't get offended.
4949 Westown Parkway
Des Moines, Iowa
5PM What Do You Think "Gay" Means?
Patient: I'm going to see The Lion King tonight.
Nurse #1: Can you imagine doing shows like that every night, traveling all the time?
Nurse #2: Most of them are gay anyhow, so it's no big deal.
Red Cross van
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Taxman
3PM Since I'm about to Saddle You with a Ton of Paperwork
Coworker #1: Did you drive or take the train today?
Coworker #2: Train.
Coworker #1: What time are you leaving?
Coworker #2: I don't know...
Coworker #1: Oh, I think I'm leaving before that.
Office building, 47th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Doctor, We've All Developed These Murderous Impulses
Old coworker: You don't know anything about the Beatles.
Young coworker: Sure I do. They were influenced by the Monkees.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Shaun G
12PM Why Is Blackwater Security Even Doing a Children's Project?
Employee digging for appropriate giveaway for children's project: Let's see what we got... Oooh, a grenade! Kids love grenades!
Noho
New York, New York
11AM I've Got Quotas to Meet
Cop: Is there any such thing as too many crackheads? I don't think so. There are just never enough.
Academy Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Dude
2PM I've Got 99
Customer: Can you direct me to the problems office please?
Receptionist: The problems office? I've never heard of them.
Customer: Oh... Maybe they closed down...
Receptionist: What kind of problems did they solve?
Customer: Any kind of problems!
Receptionist: Am I able to help?
Customer: Nah...I'll just come back another time.
Gold Coast
Australia
Overheard by: Cam
11AM But That's Not Important Right Now
Male peon: Oh, I love this song!
Lady peon: Really, what is it?
Male peon: Uh... Music...
178 Middle Street
Portland, Oregon
4PM I Thought I Told You Never to Call Here Again
Caller: That's 'A' as in 'elbow'...
400 Main Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Bewildered
4PM At Least, We Think It Will Be Them
Boss on phone to wife: Yes, they'll be in this evening. Well, afternoon-ish... Probably in the morning.
Cardiff
Wales
2PM Either That or He's Dutch
Cube dweller #1, complaining about printer repair guy: No one can understand what he's saying! He's completely tone deaf!
Cube dweller #2: Well, he's... deaf. He reads lips.
Cube dweller #1: Oh, yeah.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: this isn't american idol
4PM (Whisper, Whisper) You Mean Those Yellow People Live Here Now?!
Peon, with Asian friend: Boss, I'd like to introduce you to my friend from Charlotte, Amy*. She's stayin' out here with me for a few days, then heading back home.
Boss: Nice to meet you! Where are you from?
Amy: Charlotte, North Carolina.
Boss: How long have you lived there?
Amy: I was born there -- 25 years now.
Boss: Wow! How do you like it?
Amy: Like what?
Boss: America!
Amy: I, uh... I like it?
Boss: Do you think you'll ever go back?
Amy: Yeah, I leave Sunday.
Boss: Wow! Well, I hope you enjoyed your American vacation!
Office party
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Jesse
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back
Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore
4PM That's Where the Magnifyning Glasses Grow
Bimbette #1: We are so lucky we can't have forest fires here in Georgia.
Teacher: Forest fires can happen anywhere.
Bimbette #2: Nah, you gotta be closer to the equator than Georgia.
123 Broad Street
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: smokey the bear
2PM Okay, Gotta Go --They Just Dipped My Pigtail in an Inkwell
Lady peon to males making farting noises: Please! I am on the phone with my dad! [Into phone] No, they're your age!
Burbank, California
10AM Its Melody Is Semisweet
Trainer: 'Charismatic.' That's onomatopoeic.
Employee: What?
Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say 'chocolate,' you can hear it.
Fenkle Street
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Kaethe
9AM I Shall Call Them "One" and "Two"
Cube dweller: I'm having two feelings in one day, which is unheard of.
1301 Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cbn
1PM Has Also Locked Herself Inside It
Temp at day's end finding her car's been running since lunch: Oh, my! I must have forgotten again!
Sweeten Creek Road
Asheville, North Carolina
11AM He Knows the Geography of the Starship Enterprise Perfectly
Tech support guy: So, your city is spelled C-A-M-B-R-I-D-G-E?
Office girl: Yes, that's correct.
Tech support guy: And your state is M-A, for Miami, right?
Office girl: Um, well, yes -- M-A is right...
1033 Mass Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
3PM Where the Money Was
Cube dweller on phone: Hi, boss, we just got robbed!
Manager: Oh my god! Where?
Parade
Suva
Fiji
Overheard by: Siti
2PM That Thing Filled Up Years Ago!
European boss: Okay, James* -- make reservations for us at the Mayflower.
American lab member #1: What? The Mayflower?
European boss: Yes, isn't that what we decided?
American lab member #1: You mean the Wildflower?
European boss: Yeah, the Mayflower.
American lab member #2: The Wildflower, not the Mayflower.
European boss: Right, right. Wait... What is the Mayflower? Oh, yeah, that boat.
Clinical Sciences research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM The Zen Oven Is Generally Low-Maintenance
Manager on phone with refrigeration company: That oven that never comes on but is always on? It didn't come on.
Answering service: Would you please repeat that?
Manager: You know, that oven that never comes on but is always on? Well, it didn't come on.
Answering service: Thank you, sir. I'll let the service rep know.
Restaurant, Slide Road and Loop 289
Lubbock, Texas
5PM I Mean, I Don't Think So...
Office grunt #1: Hey! So, you're back in the office, eh? Where were you last week?
Office grunt #2: Oh, I was in Guatemala.
Office grunt #1: Really? In Europe?
Office grunt #2: No.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Anonymous
1PM It Comes and Goes
Patient: I'm worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it?
Portland, Oregon
11AM I Bet I Can Locate the Dimmest One in the Store
Customer: Could you tell me where the Amaryllis bulbs are?
Clerk #1: Hey, do you know where we keep the bulbs?
Clerk #2: I think they're on Aisle Four -- y'know, with the other electrical stuff.
Clerk #1, to customer: Did you check there? That's where we keep the bulbs.
Customer: No, no, no -- they're flowers! Do you have any?
Clerk #1: Well, I'm pretty sure we've got bulbs. Did you need a three-way one, or a regular one? You should check on Aisle Four, then.
1690 Grande Avenue
Arroyo Grande, California
Overheard by: Blue
4PM And Apparently Neither Do You
Teacher: That's an interesting tattoo, Jacob*!
Student #1: Thanks.
Teacher: Are you like the tattooed man from The Great Gatsby?
Student #2, after long pause: Yo, we don't read!
High school
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
3PM They're Not the Brightest Neon Lights in the Casino
Cocktail waitress #1: What's a late-term abortion?
Cocktail waitress #2: I'm not sure, but I think it's when you have an abortion when the baby's being born.
Cocktail waitress #1: Ew! They can do that?! [A few minutes later] Where is Washington state?
Cocktail waitress #2: I think it's near Seattle...
Cocktail waitress #1: You think they meant to say 'Washington, DC'?
Cocktail waitress #2: I don't know, but that's pretty dumb of them if they did mean DC. People can get confused, you know?
Hotel and casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: HannA
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
12PM ... Delicious, but Deadly
Cube dweller: Zebrafish! Liquid nitrogen!
Business affairs office
Oregon
Overheard by: research sounds like fun
11AM More of a Pamphlet, Really
Tester: I'm reading this book that will teach you all the Italian you'll ever need to visit Canada!
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
10AM Make Sure They Put It in a Box
Pizza worker: Hello, XYZ Pizza* -- will this be for pick up or delivery?
Customer: Delivery, but we will come in to pay for it.
Pizza worker: Pardon me? Do you want your order delivered or will you pick it up?
Customer, to someone in background: Do you want to just pick the food up if we are going in there anyways? [Into phone] I guess we will pick the food up.
Lackawanna, New York
3PM I Wanted to Talk to the Organized Crime Strike Force First
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that's who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
12PM Or Until the Ninth Month, in My Case
Preggers peon: You know, people only think you're pregnant for nine months, but it's really ten because you don't know you're pregnant for the first month.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Mic all
9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail
Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.
District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM You Harvard Grads Always Ask the Important Questions
Office peon: How many wheels does an 18-wheeler have?
Boss: Let me see your résumé again.
1212 Klockner Road
Gordonsville, Virginia
Overheard by: the office linebacker
11AM Don't Forget Your Pooping Aspirations
Employee #1: There was a mouse in the hall. Did you kill it?
Employee #2: No, it's just an animal. All it wants to do is find food and propagate the species.
Employee #3: Kind of like me.
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Loki
12PM I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?
Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?
Secretary #2: No, why?
Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.
278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York
3PM Except the Lasagna, Which Gives Her Gas
Office grunt: Yeah, my daughter loves it over there in Japan. She just loves eating the Chinese food.
Main Street
Munhall, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wait your intern
3PM Because I Have Other Things That Need Doing
Worker bee quoting a customer: I have a file that's labeled 'Read only.' Does that mean I can only read the file?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: quiet1
12PM Why Do You Need To Know?
Sales guy: You know how people talk about the world-wide web? The Internet? How would you spell that? W-E-B?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM 8 Heads in a Duffel Baguette
Peon #1, talking about proposed ad: Show the guys driving home too quickly and then getting decapitated because they're driving their car too fast. That's entertainment.
Peon #2: That's not good. I'm thinking that's not selling sandwiches.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: one smelly idiot
2PM As Long As He Stays Dead and All
Guy: I always say, "To each his own."
Girl: But what about Hitler? Would you say that about Hitler?
Guy: Well, if Hitler's happy doing what he's doing...
2375 Main Mall, University of British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
12PM She's Been Practicing in Front of the Mirror
Sales guy: What are you two up to?
Systems admin: Nothing. We're being facetious.
Sales chick: Wow, that's a big word for Erin*. I'm not sure she used it correctly, though.
Sales guy: We'll give her an A for effort, though.
Systems admin, skipping: I said 'facetious,' I said 'facetious'!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Thanks to Compressed-World Technology
Receptionist #1: I can't believe I'll be in England next week. I think we might drive to Australia, too -- they have better beaches.
Receptionist #2: Is that far?
Receptionist #1: No, I think it's a two-hour drive from here.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Not Even Kidding
11AM But Everybody Calls Him Davy
Coworker: Does any other Daves work here?
Dave: No. Except for Dave.
Book store
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: We also have three Ashleys, three Michaels and two Clints!
9AM Your Love Is Only a Tragic Illusion. Questions?
CSR: Good morning. ABC Bank* -- how can I help you?
Customer: I'd like to talk to the person who answers the phones after hours -- y'know, the 24-hour line?
CSR: The 24-hour line is automated, but I can put you through to--
Customer: --No, no, no. I want to talk to the lady who answers the phone when you're closed.
CSR: Oh, see, that's not an employee. It's a recording.
Customer: What? No. See, I spoke to her three times last night and she knows my situation, so I need her. Is she there during the day?
CSR: ... Sir, it's not a real person. It's a recording [hangs up].
Decatur, Tennessee
9AM And, on Special Occasions, Beer
Worker bee: In a perfect world everyone should smell like pizza.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'd prefer fresh-cut grass
5PM And I Wrote for SNL During Those Crappy Years
Coworker #1: Hey, can you download this script for me: 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Oh my god, what happened? You were fine just a second ago! What's that script you want called?
Coworker #1: 'I'm in Hell,' and I'm fine.
Coworker #2: That's weird, having a script called 'I'm fine' when you're in Hell.
Coworker #1: No, not 'I'm fine' -- 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Seriously? What's going on?!
Coworker #1: The script is 'I'm in Hell.' And I'm fine.
Coworker #2: Wait, what?
Coworker #1: [Sighs.]
Boss: This is lamest edition of 'Who's on first?' I've ever heard.
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Office Ears
3PM Back Up -- Baby Pool Filled with Acid?!
Girl reporter: So he said, 'I hope you people fall into acid!' Who wishes that?
Guy reporter: Wow, intense.
Girl reporter: Yeah. But the logistics -- who fills the baby pool with acid?
Guy reporter: The terminator fell into acid in T2.
Girl reporter: The Riddler... No, the Joker fell into acid.
Guy reporter: He lived though.
Girl reporter: And tried to kill Batman. So, see? People falling into acid works out badly for the rest of us.
500 West Jefferson Street
Monroe, North Carolina
9AM When Nuns Teach Sex Ed
Customer service rep: I don't know what that is, but let me explain it to you.
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cubicle Co-Worker
4PM By Then It's Too Late
Lady peon: What do you call those cows that you eat?
114 New Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: russ
3PM Almost Everyone's, I Think
Waiter: Is it your birthday today?
Customer: No.
Waiter: Oh, sorry. It's just that there are a lot of birthdays this year.
Minot, North Dakota
Overheard by: Taggart Snyder
11AM And He Said, "I'd Prefer Reparations"
White HR director: I've never touched someone's head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you're the first African-American person's head I've ever touched. You should feel honored.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Just an office girl...
11AM Time for a Conversation with Jessica Simpson
Hardhat: Don't eat the tuna salad in the cafeteria. It made me throw up.
Suit: Food poisoning takes a while. How long did it take to make you sick?
Hardhat: About 5 seconds. All I can figure is, someone must've put fish in it - I'm allergic to fish.
7th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
3PM Go to Easy Street and Make a U-Turn
Drone #1: I hate moving. My stuff's everywhere. I'm living in squalor!
Drone #2: I don't know where that is.
Glen Lake Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: sladeripfire
10AM Went Right Through a Stop Sign
Clerk #1: Sorry, I'm a little dyslexic.
Clerk #2: My dog died of dyslexia!
1901 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Office Droid
11AM Have You Been Suffering from Delusions of Heterosexuality?
Semi-boss: No, I mean, I just misspelled every single word and, like, inverted letters and stuff.
Assistant: Maybe your hands were in the wrong place on the keyboard... Or maybe you have that thing that Tom Cruise has.
Semi-boss: Scientology?
Newark, Delaware
5PM Maybe I Should Go Amend Her Chart?
Grunt #1: What's wrong with Debbie*?
Grunt #2: Uh, something's wrong with the gonads on her vocal cords.
Grunt #1: You mean 'nodules'?
Grunt #2: Oh, yeah.
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: quite amused
4PM He's Getting Divorced, but Close Enough
Cop: Where's the chief?
Higher-up: He's out this week. He had surgery on Tuesday.
Cop: Oh, yeah, that's right. I heard he was having a hysterectomy.
Higher-up: Um, yeah.
Newark, Delaware
12PM Back Up -- the Direction of the Earth's Axis?
Supervisor: We can't say 'Summer Solutions' on this brochure, because it might confuse people in California because it's summer all the time there. Any ideas of how to reword this?
Staffer: It's not summer all the time in California. It's summer during summer time.
Supervisor: But it's warm all year round, so how do they know it's summer? We need a way to explain that these things are only intended for the summer.
Staffer: But they still know what summer is, even if it's still warm during the other seasons.
Supervisor: I'm not sure about that...
Staffer: Summer isn't about temperature, it's about the direction of Earth's axis. Summer is always in June, July, and August. It always starts with the solstice in June.
Supervisor: I don't know anything about solstices and all that. Let's just reword this.
Staffer: But California still has a summer. I'm telling you, they know what summer is.
Supervisor: I don't know. They might get confused.
Staffer: Confused about what?
Supervisor: Confused about when summer is. Like, it's summer right now, 'cause it's been warm lately.
Staffer: No... April is in the spring.
Delaware
Overheard by: rofl in cube next door
5PM From My Big Book of Muddled Management Metaphors
Boss: You know, if you're behind the train, then you're probably driving on the tracks again.
200 West Oak Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
12PM She Doesn't Need to Work, but She's in It for the SWAG
Supervisor: I have to clean this place up today before one of the company reps shows up!
Worker: Are they bringing us some squishy balls?!
Supervisor: No... Oh, not that kind of rep -- this guy is from one of the companies that pays us.
Worker: What? Are they at least bringing some candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Yay, candy!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
9AM That's Too Hard -- I'm Just Gonna Buy My Own
Photo coordinator looking for staples: Why are there paper clips in this box?
Photo editor: What?
Photo coordinator: See -- it says 'staples,' but there are paper clips in here.
Photo editor: Dude, it's from Staples. You need the box that says 'staples' twice.
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM Then How Come X-Rays Are Black and White, Smart Guy?
Office manager: Have you ever seen the images from an MRI? It's amazing the beautiful colors that are inside of our bodies!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glorified gopher
3PM Ladies, This Is the Mark 29 Industrial Fan
Woman clerk: You all need to get your hot flashes together so we can get to work!
Springfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Azazel
1PM But Otherwise It's Totally Synthetic Furniture for Me
Suit: I'd do it just to say I had hair on my ass.
385 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM But I Think We've Tapped into a Potential Goldmine
Chick #1: Did you know that they're making Coke kosher for Passover?
Chick #2: [Blank stare.]
Chick #1: They're putting sugar in it.
Chick #2: [Continues to stare.]
Chick #1: Normally, it has corn syrup in it.
Chick #2: ... Oh! The soda!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mardi
10AM The Less I Know, the Better, Actually
Overpaid IT guy: Well, I'm here to help, but don't expect me to know what's going on.
San Francisco, California
5PM No Gay People in This House!
Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn't leave the house anymore. She had that -- what do you call it -- homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean 'agoraphobia.'
Coworker #1: No, I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
Coworker #2: ... If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me
Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned
12PM I Never Should Have Bought It That Wii
Male peon muttering to self: Hey, brain -- work! Please work? At least for the next two hours!
Female peon: Are you talking to your brain?
Male peon: Yeah, I'm trying to get it to work.
Female peon: Oh.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
9AM I Mean, I've Got Kids and They're Horrible
Worker bee #1: I don't understand what pedophiles are thinking.
Worker bee #2: Man, you're not supposed to understand it!
Austin, Texas
4PM Newton's Last Law
Office peon: No matter how many pairs of underwear you have, if you don't do your laundry, eventually you will run out.
501 Jackson Street
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Laughing at everyone
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off
Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.
2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
5PM That's Not Baggage -- Those Are Wedding Gifts
Suit hanging up phone: I am so done with married chicks -- they have too much baggage.
3250 42nd Street
New York, New York
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
2PM No, No, Wait -- It's the One with Mr. Toad, Right?
Ad rep #1: The best movie is on TV tonight.
Ad rep #2: What movie is that?
Ad rep #1: Gone with the Wind.
Ad rep #2: Is that the same as...? No, that's A Walk in the Clouds.
Programmers: What?!
Ad rep #2: I got confused -- they're similar. Well, which one is Gone with the Wind?
Ad rep #1: It has Clark Gable.
Ad rep #2: Is that the guy that played Superman?
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
9AM Okay, Now Explain 'Compooter'
Oblivious female boss flipping through magazine: Oooh, pooter! I love pooter.
Startled worker: What?!
Oblivious female boss: Look -- pooter letter openers!
Startled worker: Um, that word is actually pronounced 'pewter.' [Under his breath] Christ.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
11AM I Have a Problem with, Uh, Premature Firing
Customer to help desk support: My gun told me to call you guys.
Airport Road
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Alan
11AM Except for Some Reason I Keep Getting Pregnant
Coworker: If I ever have a kid, I'm going to send them to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school and I feel I got a gooder education.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
3PM So I Just Tell Them to Go Home
Girl: How many pieces of fish in the six pack?
Manager: Are you serious?
Girl: Well, I don't know what to say to customers.
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia
2PM ... Nor What State We Started In
VP on phone: Yeah, what's wrong?
Niece on speaker phone: We're lost. Can you pull up a map or something?
VP: Where are you and where are you going?
Niece: We're going somewhere in Massachusetts, and we don't know what state we're in.
316 Warren Avenue
Front Royal, Virginia
Overheard by: not the dumbest anymore
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
5PM Or the Sharpest Bulb in the Shed, for That Matter
Coworker #1: My son is hanging out with the stupidest kid...
Coworker #2: What do you mean?
Coworker #1: He's not exactly the brightest knife in the drawer.
Airport Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
4PM Well Said, Mr. Secretary!
Office grunt: This water is so cold. It's like liquid ice.
1401 Constitution Avenue NE
Washington, DC
12PM A Series of Humiliating Tests Ensued
Customer: I want to return this breast pump. It doesn't work.
Manager: What's wrong with it?
Customer: It doesn't suck!
Store
Fort Worth, Texas
11AM Right Near Where They Have the Running of the Frogs?
New art director: This product line is called Madrid, right?
Creative director: Yes.
New art director: So why do you want me to look for images of the south of France?
Creative director: Isn't Madrid on the coast of France?
325 Model Farm Road
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: I could find that on a map
5PM It's in Our Strategic Plan
Manager in meeting: We'll hit that bridge when we come to it.
London
England
4PM What Kind of Mushroom Omelette Was That?
Accountant: I don't know which color is green, but one color is green, and one color is white.
Office girl: What about red?
Accountant: I'm not so sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
12PM They Could, but They Don't Have To
Blonde #1: I think Starbucks made the fire alarm go off in our building so that everyone from our building would go there and get a coffee.
Blonde #2: Oh my god, can they do that?
West 6th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM I'm Too Ashamed
Cashier: Oh, I'm sorry, it says your funds are insignificant. Maybe you should call your bank?
917 East Broadway
Tempe, Arizona
12PM It's Always in the Last Place You Look
Pregnant teen cashier: Where is my prostate?
Coworker: Uhhh...
South Carolina
11AM Weigh It, and Subtract the Weight of an Empty Bottle
Customer: These new labels are awful. Just awful! Why did you change them? I hate them.
Pharmacist: I'm sorry, sir, but I don't have any control over the labels.
Customer: They don't even tell me when it's time to refill my 'scription. When am I supposed to refill my 'scription?
Pharmacist: ... When you run out of medication, sir.
Customer: Well, how in the hell am I supposed to know that?
CVS/Pharmacy
High Point, North Carolina
4PM ... The Bank, Too? You're Killing Me Here!
Manager: Where is the post office? Who even goes to the post office? That's just stupid!
Canal Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM So Much Nicer Than the Blocking
Female legislator: I love professional ball players. They, uh... tackle well.
20 Legislative Plaza
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM What Happens When Word-of-the-Day Calendars Don't Include Definitions
Cube dweller: Well, you don't want to be ambiguous in your genocide.
31355 Oak Crest Drive
Westlake Village, California
12PM Are You Kidding? He's Just a Great Actor
Bummed coworker: Aw, man. That's like when I figured out that Bugs Bunny was gay.
14th and 5th
New York, New York
4PM And This Week I'm Retaining Fluid
Security guard: What's your pant size?
Male shop-lifter: I don't know... I just started wearing girls' pants last week.
101 Clearview Circle
Butler, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Charpie
1PM The Meditations of Barkus Aurelius
Peon #1: It's written mostly from the perspective of the dog...
Peon #2: So is it fiction?
Publisher's office
New York, New York
12PM Brain Food?
Guy: Do you think it's possible to be allergic to... you know?
Girl: No, I don't know...
Guy: Sure you do.
Girl: No, I don't know what 'you know' is!
Guy: Yes, you know!
Girl: What? You mean, like, condoms?
Guy: No, like you know -- vagina...
Girl: Why on earth would anybody be allergic to vagina?!
Guy: Cause, you know, it's like fish.
Customer service call center
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: MBN
9AM Unfortunately, I Predict Six More Weeks of This Conversation
Administrative assistant: You know how they choose the pope with those smoke signals?
Staff member: Yeah...
Administrative assistant: It's kind of like Groundhog's Day, isn't it?
Staff member: Wait, what? The movie or the holiday?
Administrative assistant: Duh, the holiday! What would the movie have to do with the pope?
Staff member: Well, what does the holiday have to do with the pope?
Administrative assistant: What?
Willamette Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Jenny
11AM I Lie at the Third-Grade Level
Four-year-old holing up a toy: Mommy, can I get this?
Mom: It says it's for kids ages eight and up. How old are you?
Four-year-old: Um... eight.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
10AM Better Known As Rebecca of Baker Street Farm
50-ish coworker: Oh, 'Shelly'... I thought it said her name was Shirley Temple. You know who Shirley Temple is?
20-ish coworker: Wasn't she the detective who went around solving crimes? No, wait, that's Sherlock Holmes.
31 Chambers Street
New York, New York
3PM Also the Idea behind Internet Porn
Man referring to stuffed beaver's tail with 'Do not touch' sign: Can my daughter touch this?
Worker: No.
Man to daughter: You can't touch it, honey, because Miss Sensory Deprivation over here wants you to touch with your eyes, not with your hands.
Sterling, Virginia
11AM Your Cubicle Seems to Have Reached the Saturation Point
Intern on third day of work: This is probably something I should have asked the first day, but... where's the men's room?
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM The Conversation Enters a DO Loop
Principal: Do you know Fortran?
Research analyst: Yes, I think so... Wait, is that a man or a woman?
John Hancock Tower
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: economista
5PM Enough with the N Word
Clerk: What is your license plate number?
Customer: Five, T like 'Tom,' N like 'Knife,' L like 'Lion*,' five, two, seven*.
Clerk: N like 'knife'?
Customer: That's right!
DMV
Virginia
4PM Warning: Attempted Responsibility Transfer in Progress!
Grunt #1: So, this report is wrong.
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: I see what I did wrong.
Grunt #2: Good!
Grunt #1: Do you know why I filled this out incorrectly?
Grunt #2: Uhhh...
North Side
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Diana_C
2PM Everyone I've Ever Slept with Has Been Beautiful
Guy looking across street: Is that girl sexy?
Friend: That's a dude, man. How's your eyesight?
Guy: I can see fine, I just can't see clearly.
Newbury Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: alan
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Someday You'll Be the Stupid Boss, So Have Compassion
Supervisor: Did you answer my phone while I was gone?
Worker bee: It didn't ring.
Supervisor: Well, did John call for me?
Worker bee: He didn't call. Your phone didn't ring.
Supervisor: But did you answer a call from John?
Worker bee: No, when your phone didn't ring, I didn't answer it, and when I didn't answer it, John wasn't the one that didn't call.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
10AM Hello? My Daughter!
Employee #1: It's spelled S as in 'Shoenique...'
Employee #2: Huh?
Denver, Colorado
11AM Yet You Can Speak Hebrew
Guy #1, in Hebrew: So, what retarded kid are you working with today?
Guy #2, in Hebrew: Dude. Those kids are around here, you know.
Guy #1: Yeah, but no one here knows Hebrew.
Guy #2: This school's like half Jewish. They might.
Guy #1: Not the retarded ones. They have enough trouble with English. You should know that -- you work here, too.
University of Maryland
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: Knows Hebrew
9AM There Might Be One behind the Cappucino Machine
Confused boy at info desk: Um, excuse me, do you know where the books are?
Popular book store
Mays Landing, New Jersey
Overheard by: looking at some right now
5PM She Supports Building Half an Immigration Wall
Woman #1: Did you see the Avon book in accounting?
Woman #2: No, I haven't.
Woman #1: Well, it's all in Mexican. Only a little bit on the back was in English... Instead of having the whole thing in Mexican, they should've just done it half and half.
260 West Seeboth Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM She's Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
Woman: She made it herself out of paper machete!
Massachusetts
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Donald Trump: You're Fired
QA agent: Can you remind the agents to put their comments in apprentices?
Team leader: In what?
QA agent: Apprentices. You know, the bracket things.
Team leader: Uhhh... Yeah, sure.
4 Mangrove Way
Montego Bay
Jamaica
Overheard by: Not an apprentice
9AM And the Surgical Interventions
Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!
West End
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag
2PM I Don't Want Too Much Blood Reaching My Brain
Bimbette #1: Oh my gosh, this choker is, like, choking me! Can you loosen it, please?
Bimbette #2: Yeah. Do you want it, like, way looser?
Bimbette #1: Yeah... Oh my gosh, it's so tight it's cutting into my-- Well, I know girls don't have Adam's apples, but it's cutting in right there!
Bimbette #2: Is that better?
Bimbette #1: No. It's too loose. It needs to be tighter.
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM I'm Thinking of Those Little Mints
Guy seeing a purse in a chair: Who left this green bag here for me to go through?
Girl: It's mine, but there's nothing in it but an empty wallet and some tampons.
Guy: I love tampons! Oh, wait...
1280 Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Amazed
11AM When You Fall Over, There's a Lot of Quacking and Pecking
Receptionist: I have great news!
Nurse: What?
Receptionist: I got accepted into grad school! But I'm scared.
Nurse: Why?
Receptionist: I haven't been in school in a long time.
Nurse: You'll be fine -- it's like falling off a duck's back.
1917 20th Street South
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Eavesdropping grad student
2PM Or a Glitch in the Matrix?
Writer muttering to himself: Do I have the hiccups? Do I actually have the hiccups? Is that actually what's happening to me?
Renton, Washington
11AM You've Got Your Problems, I've Got Mine
Sales rep: Can you tell me why we have been behind on the uploading lately?
Tech girl: Yeah, that's because we don't have enough manhood right now.
El Monte, California
Overheard by: Cooly
10AM And I Am Speaking to You Over the PA
Announcement over PA after lights go out: Attention everyone -- the lights are off.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
5PM There Seem to Be Fewer Anne Frank Jokes
Coworker #1: Helen Keller... She's the blind one, right?
Coworker #2: Yeah. Blind and deaf.
Coworker #1: I always get her and Anne Frank confused.
Coworker #2: What? Why? Because they're both girls?
Coworker #1: Yeah, and they both wrote diaries.
Coworker #2: Uh, I don't think Helen Keller kept any diaries.
800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM Sure, Just Pop Them an Email
Professor #1: I need some furniture for my new house, but everything here is so weird and expensive.
Professor #2: You should go up to Pennsylvania. The Amish hand-make very nice furniture, and it's not that bad price-wise.
Professor #1: The Amish... okay. Do they deliver?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
2PM Why the Office Blowtorch Was Retired
Phone rep: If I were my eyebrows where would I be?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Snorting Gravy Is Fun, but It's Not Enough
Blonde: Mmm... It smells so good in here. Doesn't it smell good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my nose right now!
Friend: I know!
Arkansas
5PM Like Bob?
Former military guy: Yeah, back when I was enlisted we used to joke that if we ever won the lottery that we would take off all our military owned equipment and walk out the front gate of the base in nothing but our underwear.
Senior admin: Oh my gosh! Wouldn't that mean you would be considered AOL?
North MacArthur Boulevard
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
12PM Just the Sort of Argument a Hair Lawyer Would Make
Hair stylist: What do you do for a living? You look like a lawyer.
Customer: Actually, I'm a doctor.
Hair stylist: Well, that's a kind of a lawyer.
Cloverdale Plaza
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
9AM I, for One, Welcome the Coming of That Day!
Office grunt #1: You know, it must be kind of easy to be conservative.
Office grunt #2: Yeah, it probably is.
Office grunt #1: Because they always have the fall-back slippery slope type of argument. 'Well, if we allow this, then this could happen, and this could happen, and what about this? Camels may roam the streets in gangs!'
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Shannon
2PM That's Why I'm Well-Behaved. And Deaf.
Loud old woman #1: Did you hear about that huge fight that took place over the weekend where that teenager got killed?
Loud old woman #2: That's why people should beat their children! Then this wouldn't happen!
3430 Courthouse Drive
Ellicott City, Maryland
5PM Donnie Only Pretends to Take the Ritalin
Giftie #1: 'Quixotic' is so the best word you can make in Scrabble.
Giftie #2: It is not. The best is-- Oooh! Ice cream truck!
Bayview and Eglinton Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM No, Wait, What Am I Thinking? That's Not a State.
CSR: Yeah, Alabama is first. I can't think of any other states that start with 'A'... Mhmmm... Oh, right, Arizona. And Iowa.
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM Everybody's Founding Fathers Drink the Blood of the Living
Vet tech #1: Aren't there a lot of castles in Pennsylvania? I was watching a show on TV about all the castles there.
Vet tech #2: I think you're thinking of Transylvania.
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: pooper scooper
10AM But I Heard Something about Some New Arrestive Hormone Therapy
Woman: My daughter is 16.
Guy: Wow, she's almost grown.
Woman: I know -- in two years she'll be out of the house. I almost wish she had Down Syndrome so she would have to live with me forever.
Davenport, Iowa
9AM We Need to Be Disoriented and Dangerous
Boss: We need to be the blind kids with the M16s playing soccer.
Suit: [Silence.]
Boss: You understand what I'm saying?
64th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
5PM Even If It Does Have a Giant Sunroof
Receptionist on phone: Mom, there are no pictures of them in the paper. I don't want to live in a decapitated house!
Lincoln Highway
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Assistant Girl
4PM No, but It's Bad That You Just Licked It
Ex-sorority girl yelling from her office: Is it bad that I can't tell what's on my sleeve?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: I don't think she has an inside voice...
3PM Is History the One with the Quadratic Equations?
Chick: My father went to Timbuktu.
Dude: Where is that, again?
Chick: Some county in Africa.
Dude: Some country in Africa?
Chick: Yeah. Africa is like Europe -- made up of lots of countries.
Dude: Oh. I was never good at history.
Chick: I think you mean geography.
Dude: Oh, yeah...
Dulwich Hill
Sydney
Australia
4PM Diagnosis: Stupidity, Aggravated by Shame
Caller: I was trying to complete my request with your voice automated system, but it would not accept my diagnosis code.
Phone rep: Okay... what is your diagnosis code?
Caller: Oh... I don't have a diagnosis code.
201 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Juice
3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later
CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM By the Way, Is Our Refrigerator Running?
Customer on phone: How much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: 75 gallons.
Customer: No, I said how much is two hundred dollars worth of oil?
Worker bee: Ma'am, two hundred dollars will buy you 75 gallons.
Customer, exasperated: No, no, no! How much. Is two hundred dollars. Worth of oil?
Worker bee, confused now: Um... Two hundred dollars?
Customer: That's what I was askin' you! Jesus! [Hangs up.]
Worker bee: Did she just call up to ask me whether two hundred dollars is worth two hundred dollars?
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gypsy
12PM Either Be Weekly or Not at All, I Say
Warehouse supervisor: Hey, I have to start having these bi-weekly meetings now...
Sales chick: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Warehouse supervisor: Tell me about it. Anyway, is there anything you can think of that I need to address? ... Bi -- that means every other week, right?
Sales chick: Um, yeah.
Warehouse supervisor: I just don't like that word. Bi. It just sounds wrong.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM The Game's Decided -- They're Just Running Out the Clock
Election board office manager: I don't know if you're aware, but every election you need to contact all the local funeral homes about absentee voting.
Worker: Ummm, funeral homes? Don't you mean nursing homes?
Election board office manager: Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Xanadu
11AM Actually, It Was Just a Dry Run
Lady #1: Where were you yesterday?
Lady #2: I was at my mother's cousin's funeral.
Lady #1: Why, did she die?
Lady #2: Yes.
Raanana
Israel
Overheard by: Shy One
9AM And I Can Whip It Out As Needed
Consultant #1: Should we print copies so people can take notes?
Consultant #2: I never take notes -- I have a phallic memory. If I see it once, I always remember it.
Bay Area Boulevard
Houston, Texas
3PM Review: Lacks Intuition
Tech #1: Phew! I just spent hours grabbing screenshots to show the manager what I've been doing.
Tech #2: Umm... You know he's blind, right?
Tech #1: So... I should send a note instead?
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not involved - really!
10AM That Would Fit with All of My Other Answers
Employee #1: What are you doing?
Employee #2: A crossword. What's the capital of Maine? Is it Rhode Island?
Lombard and Buchanan Street
San Francisco, California
5PM Or a Q as in Cuba?
Phone rep: Can I get your name?
Customer: [Mumbles.]
Phone rep: I don't think I got that. Did that start with a 'K'... as in 'cat'?
Austin, Texas
10AM Stigmata Don't Just Come to You, You Have to Work for Them
Associate: You need something?
Woman: Yeah, maybe you know. Which are the nails they used to crucify Christ with?
Associate: ... Uh, maybe these?
Woman: Right. I don't think those are the ones I'm looking for, but you're on the right track.
Home Depot
Virginia
Overheard by: Sara
11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To
Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
2PM Because We Don't Know What Can't Be Done
Boss: We're trying to fit a round square into a peg hole.
53 West Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mark
4PM Say 'Cerebellum' at the Deli Section
Teacher: I was sitting there thinking, 'If I only had a brain!' And then I thought, 'Duh! The Wal-Mart's open!'
Brookdale, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: Chris
4PM I Should Be in the Ladies' Room Getting Ready for My Date with the CEO
Loud lady on cell: [Supervisor] called this morning to see if I was coming in. What does he care? I had a meeting this morning with him and Sam*. What were they going to do, ask me why I haven't been performing well? Did they want me to say I've asked to be transferred more than once because I've been sleeping with my supervisor and he won't stop harassing me? You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this right in front of my office.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
Overheard by: Justtryingtohaveacigarette
2PM They Were Gangbanging Me That Night
Cute office peon: What's wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I'm just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don't feel bad about that, Tom. It's not your fault that your friends can't come!
5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: And she knows this how?
2PM That Was Meant to Be More of a Roar
Coworker #1: I'm like a shark. Rawr. Rawr.
Coworker #2: Sharks don't growl.
15 East 16th Street
New York, New York
3PM Also Thinks Everyone from 'Idaho' Is a Slut
Coworker #1: I don't know, he was weird. And plus, I've never dated a guy from Indiana...
Coworker #2: Wait... He was Indian?
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Cubica
2PM Hers and Her Husband's
Waitress #1: My sister is in the hospital because she just had her second liver transplant.
Waitress #2: Oh my god! Both of them?!
Waitress #1: Both of whats?
Waitress #2: Both of her livers?!
Waitress #1, turning to manager guy: Do you want to tell her, or should I?
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Me
12PM And What about the Lady Who Told Me It Would Be 2,880 Minutes?
CSR: Yes, if you do your payment online it can take two business days to post.
Customer: The other person told me 48 hours! Which one is it? I'm always given different information!
411 Smithfield Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: mrswackado
2PM Two Dollars at Hooters Is Like a Hundred Bucks at the Cheetah Club
Creative designer to secretary: I only have two dollars to go to Hooters tonight. Do you know where the petty cash is hidden so that I can borrow some money?
Ardice Avenue
Eustis, Florida
Overheard by: serena
10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away
Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?
University and 30th Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Zombie
9AM I Hear a Lot of Things
Woman: I heard that if a pregnant woman gets a flu shot, the baby has all sorts of birth defects, like 12 heads and two feet.
Municipal Building
New Jersey
5PM Phew! I Haven't Either
Manager going to lunch with friend: Did you leave yet?!
Friend: Um, no.
360 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM It Was the 'Let's All Go to the Lobby' Promo
Lady peon: Oh my god, last night I saw the most confusingest movie ever.
Barnie's Coffee and Tea
Jupiter, Florida
Overheard by: Bored Coffee Girl
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?
Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...
470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: pledging
4PM But, Sadly, Never in the Same Room As a Map
Manager: Be sure that you take a coat with you if go over there, because when it's warm here, it's cold there.
Employee: In England?
Manager: Yeah, their summer is like our winter.
Employee: I don't think so.
Manager, frustrated: Well, it's true. I went there in May, and it was freezing. I had to wear a jacket all the time. They're in, like, a different hemisphere, or something.
Employee, laughing: No, they aren't. They're just further North than we are, and their climate's a little different. Australia's in a different hemisphere. England is in the same hemisphere that we are -- North... West.
Manager, in a cold fury: Look. I've been there.
Hamilton Drive
Smithfield, North Carolina
Overheard by: westward ho
1PM This Just In: Jerry Falwell and Jerry Garcia -- Separated at Birth
Cube rat #1 reading email: Is... Jason Smith* kin to Jason Ellis*?
Cube rat #2, in coddling tone: [Sigh] Just because their first names are the same doesn't mean they are related.
Cube rat #1: Oh, okay.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Hey, Artie, Do We Take Money?
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today?
Customer: Money.
Robb Drive
Reno, Nevada
9AM Substantial Evidence of a Rocky Mountain High
20-something chick: Was it Colorado?
20-something dude: Yeah, that sounds right. There were a lot of unicorns.
Auburn, Massachusetts
1PM Ironically, During the Actual Nuclear War He Handled Himself Fine
ERT member: Sir, you need to exit the building for the evacuation drill.
Employee re-entering building: I'm emotionally distraught. I can't participate.
Midwest
5PM Yes... Yes... You'll Understand Why When You Meet Him
CSR on phone: So, we've set you an appointment with the specialist. His name is Allen*... and Allen is a guy.
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM In My Defense, I Also Talk about Sex All Day Long
Chick: Dude, you're such a poser. You talk about food all day long and then go home and eat salad. You're not a real fatty like me. Talk to me when you join the club.
500 West 4th Street
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
10AM Oh, Wait! Was He That Guy in Bill and Ted?
History major associate: That little dude is such a jerk! He's got a major Napoleon complex going on.
Blonde assistant manager: Really? But he doesn't have a big nose or curly hair or glasses...
History major associate: What? Not Napoleon Dynamite! Napoleon Bonaparte!
Blonde assistant manager: Oh. I don't know then, I don't watch the news.
Overpriced soap store
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: she's our assistant manager
3PM I Suppose I Could Have Tested Each One, But...
Newbie walking over to Poland Spring water machine: You know, I've never known which one of these is colder.
Boss: What you mean?
Newbie: I've never been sure if the red tab gives you colder water than the blue tab.
Boss: [Stares.]
Newbie: Do you know?
Boss: Yeah. It's the blue tab.
Newbie: Are you sure?
Boss: [Walks away.]
31 West Grove Street
Middleboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ryan Engley
11AM Betty: Yet Another Ingenious Excuse to Get Out of Working
Tech guy: Yeah, Betty* left a Post-it at my desk because her computer was broken -- it wouldn't turn on, but then when I got there it seemed to be fine.
HR rep: Oh, she actually came to me about it so I just left the Post-it for her just in case, but I'm pretty sure the reason it wouldn't turn on was because she was pressing the big round Dell symbol instead of the start button.
5700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I can turn on my computer
5PM ... And She Lives in Nepal
Student: If I put more stamps on it, will it go faster? My sister's birthday is tomorrow.
Middlebury College Mail Center
Middlebury, Vermont
Overheard by: Disgruntled Mail Worker
2PM The Long-Term Effects of Excessive Childhood Prank Calling
New legal secretary: Excuse me, is it Miss D. Meanor or Miss Demeanor?
Solicitor: You cannot be that stupid...
Plymouth
United Kingdom
1PM Could You Be Any Less Supportive?
Blonde in scrubs: When people around me are sick and won't stay home I'm not coming to work.
Redhead in scrub: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: I hate having sick people around me.
Redhead in scrubs: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: If a person is sick they should stay at home.
Redhead in scrubs: This is a hospital.
1100 Marshall Street
Little Rock, Arkansas
10AM Filed in the Necrophiliac Section? Incompetent Bastards.
Chick: What is this, pedophile music?
Munkegata, Oslo
Norway
3PM No, Just Lilies
Supervisor #1: Did one of you guys grab my obituary off the printer?
Employee: You're dead?
Supervisor #2: Let's go see if she has anything good on her desk.
19th Street and Douglas Street
Iowa
Overheard by: Lloyd
12PM Reminds Me of My Days As a Teenager in Jersey
Hissing sound comes from reception area.
New graphics intern: Is that compressed air?
Admin: Oh, yeah.
New graphics intern: Sweet.
Washington, DC
11AM Which Is Probably Why All My Blowfish Keep Dying
Disgruntled employee: I like my rage. I hold it close, like a really scratchy blanket. Or a blowfish.
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM Or Making Them Spicy
Yuppie mom on cell: I mean, I swear -- America is turning into, like, old-school Russia. You know, with like, the Gazpacho running around killing people.
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Deadly and Delicious
5PM Zebra X: Sticking It to the Horse
IT guy: The serial number is T as in 'Thomas,' X as in 'zebra...'
Ephrata, Washington
Overheard by: Lost in Space
4PM You Just Need to Decide If You Want Them to Come Rescue You after One Week or Two
Insurance rep: Do you know what flood zone you're in?
Client: What are my choices?
Insurance rep: It's not really a choice, FEMA assigns them.
North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
3PM Why Pot Is Still Illegal
Numbers guy: Wait, where did you get these numbers from?
Boss: Wikipedia.
Numbers guy: We can't use those numbers!
Boss: Why? Only reliable people post things there so it's okay to use the numbers in the report to the FDA.
St. Louis, Missouri
2PM So You'd Have a Reason to Call Me, Hot Stuff
Receptionist: Hi, this is Pat*. I was calling to see if you wanted to set an appointment.
Customer on speakerphone: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: So, it looks like I set you an appointment before. What happened?
Customer on speakerphone: ... You cancelled it.
Receptionist: Hm. I wonder why.
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Bossie and I Are Just Friends
Male graphic designer: This looks like a uterus, but it's supposed to be a cow. Can we use it?
Female boss: You don't have a girlfriend, do you?
Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: Mary
10AM Or, Like, Smart Enough to Wear a Coat
Sorority girl #1: It is so cold.
Sorority girl #2: I wish I was, like, Asian. You know, like, those masks they wear? Over their faces? That would be so warm.
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
9AM Sounds Boring and Blasphemous, Either Way
Coworker #1: This weekend I was Wiiing for Jesus.
Coworker #2: What the hell? You took a piss for God?
Coworker #1: No, you moron -- Nintendo Wii. I played at my church's youth group fair... You are one sick bitch.
Binghamton University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farmer
5PM Two in the Skull
Worker: Didn't the doctor say that you have to lose weight because it was pressing down on your diaphragm and giving you breathing problems?
A/P drone: Men have diaphragms?
Century City, California
Overheard by: Squelch
2PM Why She Cuts the Brake-Lines on All of Her Employees' Cars
Bridal manager to front desk receptionist: Yes, I understand it's difficult to be yelled at by 30 consultants, but let's think back to last year after you were almost killed in that car accident -- wouldn't you have been lucky to be yelled at by just two consultants?
Bridal store
New York, New York
1PM Why Was He Playing with His Instrument in the Closet All by Himself?
CSR on phone: Hello? What? Your son popped his G-string on his instrument? ... Was it on his personal instrument?
Duluth, Georgia
Overheard by: Yellow
4PM Robert Regrets Taking Home Economics Instead of Shop
Clumsy guy: Hey, man, I need one of those banger things and some pointy shits.
Employee: Please tell me you don't mean a hammer and nails...
Clumsy guy: That's what it's called... Hammer... Yes.
Home Depot
Brook Park, Ohio
Overheard by: Telka
3PM US Falls to Last Place in Math Internationally
Guest: I want some popcorn shrimp.
Waitress: Do you want a half pound or three-quarter pound?
Guest: I'll have the half pound. It's bigger, so we can share.
206 West Franklin Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Overheard by: HazyJay
10AM But Possibly a Can of Soup
Cashier: Wow, you're pregnant!
Customer: Yep, that's what they tell me.
Cashier: Well, it looks like you're having a boy... or a girl. Definitely a boy or a girl.
Customer: Uh...
Grocery store
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Ryan
4PM Well, Great, Glad You're Right on Top of This
Blonde receptionist: Do you have any Krazy Glue?
Paralegal: I don't think so. Why?
Blonde receptionist: My tooth fell out.
Paralegal: I think you need to see a dentist.
Blonde receptionist: No, my teeth are always falling out and I just Krazy Glue them back in.
Paralegal: Krazy Glue? Maybe that's why you've been getting all those headaches...
Blonde receptionist: No, that's because I quit smoking back in February.
Law office
Great Neck, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College
Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!
Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
12PM I Suppose Such a Thing Is Possible, but Why?
Customer: I'd like a double hamburger.
McGenius: Is that like a double cheeseburger without cheese?
McDonald's
Bucksport, Maine
Overheard by: Mr. E. Meat
11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities
Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.
1270 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian
3PM Unfortunately, the Stage Name 'Mr. T' Was Already Taken
Coworker #1: Is that green tea?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Is there such a thing as blue tea?
Coworker #2: I don't think so.
Coworker #1: Maybe blueberry flavored would be blue. Is there blueberry tea? Blue tea would be crazy!
Coworker #2, shrugging: I'm not sure. There might be, but I'm not a tea expert.
Coworker #1: I am. I'm a tea connoisseur. I know all about tea. Well, the letter T. I know all about the letter T. I can write it in all kinds of ancient, archaic languages.
Coworker #2 [Blank stare.]
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
1PM At Least None We Can Print
Cube dweller #1: Those guys out there in the warehouse are nice and seem to be doing well, but I don't know that any of them are going to go out of their way to be helpful.
Cube dweller #2: You mean 'proactive.'
Cube dweller #1: Well, yeah...
Cube dweller #2: Jack* [warehouse guy] used that term with me once -- 'proactive.'
Cube dweller #1: Uh-oh, maybe the drama out there is his fault.
Cube dweller #2: See, I always thought it was something Jessica Simpson used on her face, but he used it in a totally different way.
Cube dweller #1: ... There's no words to answer you right now...
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM 'Meet, Meets, Met, Meeting...'
Client on phone: When can I schedule an appointment to conjugate a meeting?
315 North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
1PM Might As Well Die Thin with a Hoagie in Your Mouth
Office girl #1: So, she's like, definitely got AIDS... That's what I heard.
Office girl #2: Really? No way! She's way too fat to have AIDS. It makes you really skinny.
Office girl #1: I wish I had AIDS -- you could eat whatever you liked.
Office girl #2: Yeah, I suppose... It would mean you might die, though.
Office girl #1: Hmmm, we're all gonna some day, though.
Office girl #2: Yeah.
London
England
Overheard by: Cecilia
12PM Only Under the Table
Customer: Do you sell cheeseburgers?
Jewelry store
Sydney
Australia
10AM Do You Really Think I'm Capable of Explaining That?
Boss: I don't get it. Why are these entries all wrong?
Data entry grunt: Look at the user report. Out of 75 users, 67 of them are entering the data incorrectly. We need to get those 67 in a training session so we're all on the same page.
Boss: I'm not sure how -- I've never had to do this before.
Data entry grunt: Right... Can we just take a moment here so you can explain to me why you're the manager but I'm the one that does the managing?
K-V Road
Victoria, Virginia
5PM Bad Judgment, Then?
Sergeant: I need you to call an ambulance for a 32-year-old pregnant woman.
Control room operator: What do I tell them is wrong with her?
Sergeant: Well, she's pregnant!
Clark County Detention Center
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: cro
4PM That Four Corners Place Is Really Going to Freak Her Out
Boss: That lady is from Alabama. I used to visit there when I was a kid. It was only 20 to 30 minutes from my house.
Receptionist: ... But you lived in Georgia.
Orange Park, Florida
Overheard by: Tristan
3PM ... My Ears
Coworker: Huh? Dude, I can't hear you, you have your headphones in.
Cambridge, Maryland
Overheard by: Why oh why...?
11AM Haven't We Been Through This?
CSR lady: Looks like you two are gonna have to conversate via email from now on.
Intern: Conversate? You mean 'converse'?
CSR lady: I mean 'conversate.' Same damn thing.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
1PM How Did You Get Both Feet into One Sock?
Boss: You know those people from Saudi Arabia?
Assistant: Yes.
Boss: Are they Iranians?
Franklin Avenue
New York, New York
12PM I Didn't Know That
Manager: You've already lied to me twice tonight!
Waiter, louder: But I didn't know you knew I was lying!
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
10AM Anyone Else Picturing an Ungodly 'If They Mated'?
Coworker #1: So, I've been reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, and I had no idea about the Toni Braxton-Taylor Hicks thing.
Coworker #2: ... The what?
Coworker #1: You know, the false labor...
Coworker #2: You mean Braxton Hicks?
Coworker #1: Yes, Toni Braxton-Taylor Hicks. I had no idea it was called that.
Coworker #2: It's not called that. Please stop calling it that.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's REALLY not called that
3PM What Is It with These People?
Phone rep #1: What's that?! A cheeseburger without cheese?!
Phone rep #2: Yeah. It's called a hamburger.
500 North Central Expressway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: amused coworker
1PM 'Run for the Hills' / Run for Your Life
Publisher: I like your Iron Maiden t-shirt.
Intern: Thanks! I thought I'd dress it up today!
600 Broad Street
Gadsden, Alabama
Overheard by: ListeningJournalist
9AM Then You Lose Them and We Send You Another Set
Consultant guy: Yeah, we overnight the documents to you. It takes about a week for you to get them.
Garden City, New York
5PM Jeez, I'm Starting to Freak Here
Counter girl: I'm sorry it's taking so long, but we're really busy today, and I'm the only one here.
Sympathetic customer: Yes, it's always busier when you're the only one, isn't it?
Counter girl: Yes, especially when I'm alone.
Ybor Square
Tampa, Florida
3PM And Not All of Our Patrons Can Read
Diner: Why is it that whenever 'sour cream' appears on your menu, it has an asterisk beside it?
Waiter, condescendingly: Because those dishes have sour cream in them.
800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
9AM You're Just Too Macho to Say 'I Love Her'
Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait... So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.
571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM I'd Have a Camel Eat the Snow, Then Milk the Camel
Bimbette #1: Would you ever eat snow?
Bimbette #2: I dunno. Would you?
Bimbette #1: Well, imagine if you were really thirsty and in the desert and there's a whole bunch of snow...
65 St. Clair Avenue East
Toronto
Canadia
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
10AM ... In Farsi
Office chick: Is that an Islamic newspaper?
Office guy: It's the Wall Street Journal.
15 East 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Erak
5PM Many Americans Suffer from a Defective Sense of Gravity
Passenger #1: Don't you wanna use the stairs for just one floor?
Passenger #2: Hmmm... I never know which one goes up and which one goes down.
Packed elevator, 1909 K Street
Washington, DC
11AM Another Graduate of the Chico Marx MBA Program
Manager: ... So let him know that he has 60 cards here, and he'll be charged for all 60. If he doesn't want all 60 -- say he only wants 50 -- then take five away and bring those back.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexis
1PM Talk to the Pantone People
Manager: There's no black in here.
Ink delivery man: What?
Manager: I ordered all the colors, but there's no black.
Ink delivery man: Well, yeah... Black's not a color.
700 East North Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: colorblind
11AM More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force
Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that's more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?
Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut
4PM Long John Silver Gets Easily Flustered During One-on-One Interviews
Interviewer: Do you have a middle initial?
Applicant: Nope. I got a whole middle name. John.
Attleboro, Massachusetts
10AM Here You Go. I'm Going to Launch Now, Okay?
Assistant: I made the reservations for you. Give me a minute and I'll get you the ballistics.
Boss: Ballistics?
Assistant: Yeah, the ballistics -- your flight arrangements and your hotel confirmation. You know, the ballistics!
39th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I hired her
3PM Let Me Get Some of That Ginkgo, Too
Middle-aged customer: Give me two packs of them Basic cigarettes.
Sales clerk rings up cigarettes and register beeps: It wants me to check your ID.
Middle-aged customer: I don't have no ID.
Sales clerk: How old are you?
Middle-aged customer: Uh. Um. 40... 50... 50-something.
Sales clerk: Okay, $9.75.
Walgreens, 5650 West Belmont Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
5PM When I Went There on Vacation
Coworker #1: New Mexico is a state? Since when?
Coworker #2: Uh, for quite some time now.
Coworker #1: Oh. Well, I didn't know West Virginia was a state until last year.
New York, New York
Overheard by: She has a college degree
2PM I'm Writing Up a Review of the Wii
IT guy yelling across room: How do you spell 'boner'?
Orlando, Florida
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
12PM I Think I Agree, but I Don't Care for Your Tone
50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn't even have to be seasoned! It's from the ocean!
Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York
9AM Tell Me What You Think a 'Book' Is
Patron: Ummm, I'm looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it's called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you're in a fuckin' library, right?
Austin Public Library
Austin, Texas
12PM The Ballerinas Decide to Go to America
Bimbette: Hey, remember the time we broke the toilet?
Blonde: Yeah, stuff like that happens to us.
Bimbette: I wonder what will happen to us next...
Blonde: Let's have a threesome with someone famous!
Bimbette: With who?
Blonde: A Beatle... John Lennon?
Bimbette: Duh, he's in America!
Blonde: Duh, he's dead!
Bimbette: Yeah, but he's still in America.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Same Cubicle, Different Pair
11AM Personally, I Mastered the Whole Fork-to-Mouth Thing over a Year Ago
Blonde: Oh, you can't make the appointment tomorrow?
Older lady: No, I have a rehearsal dinner tomorrow.
Blonde: Oh, wow! What play are you in?
Older lady: No, a rehearsal dinner is for a wedding.
Blonde: Oh! ... Why do you have to rehearse dinner?
Westport Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Glad I'm not blonde
5PM See? That's Why You're the Boss
Drone: The client just called to say he only received eight pages of the fax I tried to send.
Boss: Did you check to make sure you are sending to a fax number?
Main and Center
Moab, Utah
3PM There's a Big Switch at Al Gore's House
Boss: Wait, is the internet on?
Bethesda, Maryland
2PM The Same Secret Shopper Works for Hallmark
Employee: Thank you for calling Jimmy's Pizza.
Customer: Hi, yes, do you serve pizza there?
Employee: ... Uhhh, yeah... Yes, we do.
4th Street
Albany, Minnesota
Overheard by: Keira
9AM Yes, My Stack's about to Overflow
Engineer: So, we think we got the problem with the RAM failures locked down.
Boss: You've really been engorged this week, haven't you?
Engineer: What?
6540 Lusk Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Im engorged this week...
4PM Fa Shoah?
20-something scrapbooker: Should I be putting pictures of Auschwitz in here?
Supervisor: I don't think so!
20-something scrapbooker: I should probably put one... I mean, we went there... I'm gonna make light of it.
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
11AM Typhoid Larry Has Brought Down the Network Before
Coworker: I'm trying to open an email attachment and the virus software isn't letting me because it says it has a virus. Can you come turn off the virus software so I can open it?
IT chick, shocked: No!
Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia
3PM We Were Perfectly Dysfunctional before You Butted In. Who Even Asked You?
Recruiter #1: The fax wouldn't go through. I don't understand it.
Recruiter #2: You left a staple in it.
Recruiter #1: So?
Admin: I think you're setting yourself up to fail.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Before I Go in and Ask This Focus Group of Five-Year-Olds
Customer service associate to graphic artist: Yeah, I just wanted to get your uninformed opinion on that file.
Nashville, Tennessee
3PM Is It Better to Know or Not?
Coworker #1: Ugh, it feels like Monday!
Coworker #2: It is Monday.
Coworker #1: Oh. Still...
7231 Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
11AM Montana Has All the Extremist Anti-Federalists
Travel agent #1: I can't find the District of Columbia brochures.
Travel agent #2: District of Columbia? Is that in Canada?
Billings, Montana
Overheard by: wow
3PM Really? Baghdad?
Woman: Oh, I love that place!
Man: Wait, which place?
Woman: I don't know, whatever place you were just talking about.
Laurel Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
1PM Another Lucky Darwin Awards Contender
Man: Hey, do you know what ski-shooting is?
Lady: Ski-shooting?
Man: Yeah... Ski-shooting... Where you shoot at things while you are skiing.
Lady: Do you mean skeet-shooting? They don't ski and shoot... They shoot at clay disk things.
Man: Oh, is that what it's called? So they don't ski while they are shooting?
Lady: No... But when you try it let me know. I want to see that.
St. Louis, Missouri
4PM The Elevator Operators Are Messing with Him
Yuppie #1: You coming out tomorrow night? Gonna be a shit show.
Yuppie #2: As long as I don't wake up on random floors as I have the past two Thursdays!
5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Future Conservative Policy Advisor
Chemistry student: You know what? Every year I hear about global warming, and then, like, three months later, it gets cold again!
Class: [Stunned silence.]
Parkland High School
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Out-Of-Here-In-Six-Months
5PM Here, Talk to the Baby
Caller: I'm having contractions!
911 operator: Are you pregnant?
201 Spring Street
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: push, push
11AM Dear Diary -- Whew! That Was Close!
Cube worker #1: I think I found the secret project.
Cube worker #2: Mine?
Cube worker #1: You have a secret project?
Cube worker #2: Uh, no.
390 North Robert Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
3PM And Lets Make the Password... 'Password,' Okay?
VP on phone with bank: I need to verify three times? I'm sorry, but that's just too secure for me.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
2PM 0 People Found This Advice Helpful
Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I'm on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Never Again
German teacher: Well, we're going to have to relocate to another classroom for a while. It seems there's a rat problem in this one.
Student: Are you going to gas them?
Glenunga International High School
Adelaide, South Australia
4PM ... Instead of Going around Them
Employee #1: Yeah, she didn't have the info I need yet, so I'll have to circumvent with her later.
Employee #2: Circumvent? Do you mean circle back?
Employee #1: Circle back? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Why do I always take the blunt of your jokes?
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
10AM An Air Traffic Controller Had to Talk Her Down
Coworker: I can't get my thingy on my dilly to pull out so I can get the thing to put on my paper! Can someone help me?
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Helio
9AM How I Became a Video Store Clerk
Customer: I need to talk to a manager about just erasing all of my late fees. Because, um, I'm never going to be able to pay those off.
Hollywood Video, Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: queenofsarab
4PM It's Fine, We Unplugged Your Computer Months Ago
New department secretary: Is it okay to type when the screen is black?
Bank of America
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: rosa who else
2PM Plus, Their Prior Behavior Had Been Exemplary
Professor: Does anyone have questions about the importance of the flood myth in the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh?
Student: Well, when it flooded and everything died, what happened to all the fish?
Professor: Well, it was a flood... So I think they were okay...
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Stared in disbelief
11AM The Bridges of Heisenberg County
Boss: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we cross it.
Assistant: I would certainly hope so.
Boss: What?
Assistant: Nothing.
Kansas
9AM Mengele's Genetic Experiments Finally Bear Fruit
Engineer: Is your boss in? We have a problem -- we have a little Aryan friend up on the second floor.
QA tech: No, he's on vacation... Wait -- we have what?
Engineer: A little Aryan friend flying around on the second floor.
QA tech: ... Ohhh -- 'avian.'
Engineer: Yeah, what did I say?
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
3PM How Was My Penmanship, for Example?
Student to professor: So, the only comment you made on my paper was that I completely missed the point of the assignment... So everything else was okay?
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
1PM Sorry, Hermaphroditic
Customer: What is the Happy Meal toy for boys this week?
Employee: Oh, no ma'am, we don't have boy or girl toys this week -- they are bisexual.
Customer: What?!
McDonald's
Santa Monica, California
5PM Of Course, without BeingThere I Can't Be 100 Percent Sure
Visitor: Excuse me, where's your kitchen?
Engineer: Eh?
Visitor: Where's your kitchen?
Engineer: My what?
Visitor: Your kitchen?
Engineer: It's in my house...
Peterborough
United Kingdom
3PM And That Conversation Got Me to Turn My Life Around
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Democracy Isn't the Answer to Everything
Teacher: What's one-fifth of 15?
Class, in unison: Five!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: High school student, appalled
3PM It's Wherever God Is at the Time
Office worker #1: Hey, here's a great trip -- 10 days in Italy and the Holy Land. Where's the Holy Land?
Office worker #2: Use your head. Where do you think the Holy Land is?
Office worker #1: Venice?
155 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: One Who Knows
12PM How We Deal with Socialists
Manager: Man, you guys from Alabama are hard-core putting someone getting the chair on the back of your quarter.
Boss from Alabama: That's not someone getting the chair -- that's Helen Keller!
Manager: You guys electrocuted Helen Keller?!
Campus Point Drive
San Diego, California
4PM Excuse Me, Do You Carry Lead Condoms?
Student studying energy, to another: Do you think this a controlled or uncontrolled nuclear erection?
International School of Milan
Milan
Itlay
10AM Actually, He Just Likes to Look at Himself in the Reflection
Coworker #1: Yeah, my DVD won't record my VHS tapes over to disks. I was messing with it all night.
Coworker #2: Well, DVD players sometimes have different formats -- maybe you just didn't get the right format.
Coworker #1: Here are the disks I was using. Are these the right format for my DVD recorder?
Coworker #2: These are CDs. Where did you get these from?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: You need to get DVD disks, these are for music.
Coworker #1: I just want to put my VHS tapes on DVDs, and it's not working.
Coworker #2: You bought CDs, you need to go and buy DVDs to do that.
Coworker #1: I've been working on this for the past two days.
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
3PM I'm Just a Sub and Usually Teach Calculus
History professor after a long explanation: But I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, though.
University of Tulsa, 600 South College Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
5PM Susan Smith: 'It Was Just a Really Late-Term Abortion'
Editor: A 35-year-old woman died, and when her family went to clean out her apartment they found three fetuses in the freezer.
Producer: Were they pre-term fetuses or post-term fetuses?
Reporter: Uh, those would be called 'babies.
Murfreesboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: lp's habit
12PM Like Now, I Wish I Could Find the Exit
Manager #1: I really respect the fact that Bill Clinton was a Rhodes scholar. It shows how intelligent he is.
Manager #2: Yeah, me too. I'm terrible with maps. I respect anyone who can read one.
870 Winter Street
Waltham, Massachusetts
4PM Seriously, Never Condo Shop When You're High
Waitress #1: I hate working here.
Waitress #2: Then why do you?
Waitress #1: Because, I bought a condo in San Diego, and now I have to work here on the weekends to make sure my mortgage is paid.
Waitress #2: Can't you just return it? Or sell it back?
Waitress #1: I don't have the receipt.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Stephanie Burns
3PM So I Can Relate to You Guys Who Know Nothing
Information technology director to management team: You know me - I'm not real technological.
125 S Congress Street
Jackson, Mississippi
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
1PM China: We'll Put It Right Next to Tibet
Employee #1: Is Thailand really a type of land?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in... China, maybe?
Employee #1: Ohhh.
Post office
West Palm Beach, Florida
11AM Hey, What Happens in the Louisiana Purchase Stays in the Louisiana Purchase
Coworker #1 looking at a nickel: What the heck is this?
Coworker #2: It's about the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Coworker #1: Didn't they eat each other?
Wichita, Kansas
12PM It's a Temporary Chemical Imbalance
Manager: Why are your eyes so red?
Waiter: I'm just really tired. Also, when I don't get a lot of sleep, sometimes I smell like pot.
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia
10AM Answering Took a Calendar, a Highlighter and an Hour
Teen clerk: The TV commercial said it is a two-day sale. What day of the week is Twoday?
Adult clerk: Not 'Twoday,' but one day plus one day equals two days for the sale.
Teen clerk: Oh, okay... Then what two days of the week are called 'Twoday'?
5760 Highway 80 E
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
3PM Too Far up the Pyramid of Technology
Customer: I'm looking for a special kind of bead.
Bead store clerk: Okay, can you describe it?
Customer: Well, it's flat and has four holes in it. I know there's a name for them, but I just can't remember it. You can sew them into clothing...
Bead store clerk: Do you mean a button?
Customer: Yes! Do you have buttons?
Bead store clerk: Um, no.
Newport Village
Port Moody, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM At the Abstinence-Only Education Policy Office
Boss: Can you put an extra postage on that envelope?
Office manager: Sure, why?
Boss: 'Cause it gets there faster when you add an extra postage.
Office manager: Ummm... I'm pretty sure that doesn't make it go faster.
Boss: [Blank stare] Well... Just do it anyway.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM This Is an Ex-Patient!
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary*, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith* has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
Providence Hospital, 5th Street and Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
1PM I Changed My Name -- It Was Just Easier
Cashier: You're new? What's your name?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: Brian?
Newbie: Ryan.
Cashier: It's good to know you, Brian.
Newbie: Ryan. It's Ryan, with an 'R.'
Cashier: Huh? What do you mean, 'with an R'? Is there any way to spell Brian without an 'R'?
Newbie: I suppose not, no.
2020 Gunbarrel Road
Chattanooga, Tennessee
9AM I Probably Would Never Do That with a Real Baby
Girl #1: Um, where is your baby?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Your baby -- where is it?
Girl #2: Shit.
Girl #1: You forgot it, didn't you? You know those things have computer chips in them that register every time it cries or burps or poops, right? Your grade depends on that chip's happiness!
Girl #2: Um, I think I left it in my boyfriend's truck... since Thursday.
Home Economics class, Ironwood High School
Tucson, Arizona
1PM It'll Take More Than That to Get in the Club
Manager: Yeah, my uncle owns a car lot -- he's a Jew.
Worker: Oh, your uncle is Jewish?
Manager: No, he just rips people off.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: She did not just say that!
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
3PM It's Been Separated from the Fruits of Its Labor
Customer on phone: How come my phone doesn't work?
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM God, I Miss Marketing!
CFO with faraway gaze: It would be a lot of fun to defraud people.
535 8th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
2PM You Have None of the Lying Skills You'll Need in Advertising
HR manager: How long do you plan to be with the company?
Girl interviewee: Until I find something better.
HR manager: Okay, I think that about does it. Thank you for coming in.
Brentwood, Tennessee
1PM And You May Find Yourself Living in a Shotgun Shack
Consultant on phone: When you fill out this skills assessment form you may find you have skills you don't have.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
12PM Shortly Thereafter He Was Favored with a Practical Lesson on the Differences Between Kung Fu and Tae Kwan Do
School director to parent considering enrolling child: Our classes are full. We have a waiting list.
Parent: [Blank look.]
School director: You are Chinese?
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: But you speak Chinese.
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: Well, that's the same thing, right?
Irving, Texas
5PM Maybe We Should Have Drilled This First
Coworker over intercom: It's been brought to our attention that there is a downed power line in the courtyard. Please avoid it when walking between buildings. [Five minutes later] An addendum to the last message: Please avoid walking between buildings if possible. [Five minutes more, fire alarm going off] Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate Building One*. Everyone please calmly make your way to Building Two*.
Boss screaming in background: No, no! The other door! Not that way!
5600 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Someone in the other building...
3PM Also Like... What's the Word? ... Real Life
Coworker #1 watching pep rally pass by: Why aren't any of the guy cheerleaders hot? The girls are all pretty -- the guys should be hotter.
Coworker #2: It's kind of like... What do you call it? ... Porn.
328 W Lane Avenue
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: (Snort)
3PM Baggers Can't Be Choosers
Manager to bagger: I need you to do a big favor for me... Actually, it's not a favor so much as your job.
Food and drug store
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
12PM The Proper Medical Term Is 'Gazinta'
Cheerleader: What's that muscle called? My 'gunna'?
Coach: What? Your gunna? What are you talking about?
Cheerleader, pointing to her groin: My gunna, it hurts.
Coach: You mean your groin?
Cheerleader: Yeah, my gunna hurts.
Coach: Jesus.
610 W 4th Street
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: and this is my future?
9AM So We'll Know Who to Replace You With
Office manager: I mean, when we interview warehouse employees, why are we asking them if they have Excel experience?
Warehouse supervisor: What the hell is 'Excel'?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM But He Was in the Closet
Coworker #1 : Yo, did y'all know Robert E. Lee was an Aborigine?
Long pause.
Coworker #2: Do you mean 'abolitionist'?
Coworker #1: Oh, yeah.
1434 Larimer Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John Howard
3PM Ken Lay Rocks the 'Do As I Say, Not As I Do' Management Technique
Manager: That's how I graduated from one of the top five business schools in this country [leaves].
Cubicle chick: Is anyone else proud of him? I'm proud of him.
Manager, returning: I cheated my way through business school, and that's how I graduated at the top of my class.
Cubicle chick: Mr. Kline*!
Manager, back in own office: I didn't know what I was doing, so I just cheated all through school. And that's how I graduated.
Cubicle chick: Sooo... Does that mean I can cheat, too?
Manager: No!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Skipped School to Watch Monty Python
Office radio just played 'High Hopes,' by Frank Sinatra.
Flaky girl: What's a 'rubber tree plant'? Is it, like, a plant made of rubber, or a plant you get rubber from?
Yuppie girl: It's a Rubber. Tree. Plant. So, like, a plant-tree.
Flaky girl: What's that?
Yuppie girl: Like, a baby tree.
Flaky girl: So, a baby tree is a plant?
Yuppy girl: Well, it's like how a baby duck is a duckling. It's not really a duck.
Flaky girl: So, a baby is not really a human?
Yuppie girl: So it would be easy for the ant to move it.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: I Dont Have Very High Hopes For These Two
10AM I'm Never Going Back to Girls, Man
High school senior #1: That's an awesome bruise you've got there.
High school senior #2: Yeah, I punched a squid. You know that's how we get ink? We squeeze them.
High school
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: Alleged pre-calc student
9AM Officers Had Probable Cause to Administer a Field Civics Test
Girl: So, I'm really scared because I got jury duty. I don't want to be in the same room as a criminal.
Paralegal: Well, maybe they're not a criminal. That's the point of jury duty.
Girl: But... aren't they guilty if they were arrested? I mean, the police don't just go around arresting people if they're innocent.
1355 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: sam
5PM Loves Burping the Air Out
Dude: Why you goin' to a tupperware party? You're a grown-ass man, dawg!
10 Coventry Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: supremo
4PM I'm Worried about How She'll Take the News
Nurse to patient after pregnancy test: Congratulations on your new arrival. Are you excited?
Patient: Yeah. I'm just in shock. I mean, I can't believe my sister is going to be an aunt!
616 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Vicky
2PM He Books the WWE Package Tours
Travel agent #1: I would go back there in a heartbeat. China was so awesome.
Travel agent #2: I heard that China was insane.
Travel agent #3: Any ugly girl wrestler has to be a little insane. I mean, Chyna was the craziest woman wrestler ever.
Travel agent #1: Ummm... yeah.
Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
11AM I'm Also a Little Unclear on This 'Hat' Concept
Woman: My boyfriend wants the Florida Marlins hat with the swordfish through the 'F.'
Man: You mean the marlin through the 'F'?
Woman: What's a marlin?
Charlestown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Taylor
10AM If It Doesn't Offend Someone's Religion, It's Not Worth Doing
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we're not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don't offend someone's religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM Waiter, I'll Have the Couch Potato with a Side of Gullible
Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
Caller: How long will that take?
CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
Caller: What?
CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
Bradford Drive
Huntsville, Alabama
3PM All That Is Covered in the Illustrated Syllabus
Teacher: Okay, so now that you know the basic rules of the computer lab, I have to ask you one more question... Do any of you ever check out the NMBLA website? [Silence.] Well I do, frequently. I want to know who the enemy is. Also, I like to look at the new Russian brides on Fridays.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cupcake1
2PM ... Impotence, Incontinence, Flatulence, Priapism...
Training instructor: You should not upgrade the software right when a patch comes out. Sometimes it may have bugs.
Student: So, it's like when you take a drug, sometimes it can have side effects like---
Training instructor: Yeah, but let's keep the discussion focused on software.
Student: ---Throwing up, vomiting...
Training instructor: Uh, yeah.
Madison, Alabama
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
3PM This'll Be the Worst Staff Meeting Ever
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
1PM On the Plus Side, I Got Almost All the Way Through My Signature
Female coworker: I pulled my butt muscle taking a whiz!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
12PM I Said, 'F-U'! And How Do You Spell His Name?
Data architect manager: And the new tables -- who's taking care of that?
DBA: Danny Phu*.
Data architect manager, making a note: Danny... F-U?
DBA: Excuse me?
1555 Lundy Parkway
Dearborn, Michigan
11AM The World Is Full of People Whose Stories Start in the Middle and Don't Go Anywhere
Client: Guess who I met today?
Staff: Who?
Client: Some guy on the bus that used to go here, but I don't know his name.
4558 Roswell Road
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM I Heard the Whole Country Is below Sea Level and Surrounded by a Ring of Lesbians
Auditor: What is a 'Dutch Auction Tender Offer'? Is that where they go to Dutch and have an auction? ... Where is Dutch?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
10AM No, Your Children Do
Receptionist: Does the president have to pay the mortgage on the White House?
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: wish she hadn't voted
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
5PM Unless We Get Volunteers
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
11AM Sure, Hog the Brain Damage
Lab tech finding other scientists spraying glue: Ahhh! Free isocyanates!
Scientist: Get out of here!
Rockland, Maryland
Overheard by: Chemdork
10AM They May Be Deltas
Guy #1: I really want to find this book that I read in high school... It was called, like, Brave New World or something.
Guy #2: Um, no, you're thinking of 'I Can Show You the World.'
Guy #1: Oh! ... Wait, no, that's that song from Aladdin.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah... So what section would it be in?
Guy #1: I don't know, Fiction? No, wait -- Non-fiction!
Barnes and Noble
Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Leia
5PM The Silver Lining
Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here
4PM Unfortunately, Someone Else Gave Janie a Gun
Dad's friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad's friend: What does it say?
Dad: 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You've finally grown into your bra size.'
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Ladies, All of You Should Be Dating This Guy
Dude: I registered to win a trip to space, and I haven't heard anything. I'm very disappointed.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas Bohrman
10AM And by That I Mean Those Little Plastic Containers Shaped Like Lemons
Waitress to customers: We take vodka and add fresh-squeezed lemon juice... from lemons.
Pamplico Highway
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: I Prefer Limes
9AM They Can't Recruit, So They Have to Reproduce
College boy #1: She's engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That's gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
5PM And Just Like That, Alan's Frame of Reference Exploded
Interviewer: So, I see from your resume that you spent two years in Africa with the Peace Corps.
Interviewee: Yes.
Interviewer: Did you work with any minorities there?
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I was the minority
2PM Unless That's Just the Hallucinogens Talking
Coworker #1: Man, this is discolored.
Coworker #2: Yeah, you probably licked it.
Coworker #1: I hate that. Licking always discolors things.
Austin, Texas
1PM Mom, I'd Like You to Meet My Girlfriend... Shaniqua
Mom: The neighbor found out you're gay.
Daughter: What did she say?
Mom: She doesn't care. Her son is gay and her daughter's dating a black guy.
Daughter: What does her daughter dating a black have to do with it?
Mom: Well, I would rather my daughter was a lesbian than date a black guy.
8741 W Saginaw Highway
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: barista
10AM Goodness, Mr. Lay, Your Firm's Financial Report Certainly Is Heavy!
Customer: Why is your store so big?
Salesgirl: [Silence.]
Customer: I'm an accountant -- I notice these things.
Chocolate store
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Other Salesgirl
9AM He Learned Science in Kansas
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, 'So, are these minerals... are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there...? Like, in the real world?'
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
5PM A Brave One
Employee: I have to leave, my mother's bleeding.
Manager: Again?
Employee: Bleeding somewhere down there [gestures below waist] -- she's not sure where.
Manager: What kind of doctor do you call for that?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
2PM But He Is My Son
Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
1PM 'Color Melanin Jones'
Girl: So I have this friend with an eight-month-old baby, and she named him 'Color.' It's a little weird, because the baby's dad is African-American... But the baby looks really white, so that makes it better.
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
12PM God, It's Good to Be Employed Again!
9 to 5-er: I love orange juice! It's like eating an orange, and I like oranges!
El Toro Road
Laguna Hills, California
Overheard by: I like oranges, too
11AM Rumsfeld: Damn!
Economist: It's not my fault -- I know how to circulate a memo.
Supervisor: Well, don't think you're putting that on your resume.
Government building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: highly qualified
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
9AM I Wish She'd Make Up Her Mind
Coworker #1: Don* sent me flowers today.
Coworker #2: Why did Don send you flowers? Did your grandma die again?
16th and K Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM He Has, He's Just Hoping She'll Show Him Where It Is
Male employee #1: I don't think it exists.
Female employee: The G-spot? Oh, it's real.
Male employee #1: I think it's a mythical place.
Male employee #2: I've never heard of it.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
1PM The First One's Free
Dude: I don't know -- I just don't trust that North Korea isn't going to keep testing those narcotic bombs.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
10AM One Way to Keep Them Quiet
Office lady #1: I'm going to a sleep-away camp for ten-year-olds this weekend.
Office lady #2: Well, at least there will be alcohol.
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: sarcastro
9AM Or You Could Throw One in before We Lose Any More People in Iraq
Coworker #1: So, you're saying that in the movie he twisted the towel so tight it became a sword?
Coworker #2: Yeah, like, if you spin a towel tight enough it gets rigid, but if you put Kung Fu in it, it's like a weapon.
Government agency
Washington, DC
Overheard by: kung fu master
3PM And What's This Clause about Dingleberries?
Two managers are determining whether palm tree maintenance is covered in a landscape maintenance contract.
Property manager: It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple.' It can't be the same thing.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Playing with an Extra-Full Deck
Coworker #1: I can get news from all 52 states!
Coworker #2: Uh... there are only 50 states.
Coworker #1: Duh -- Alaska and Hawaii!
Chelmsford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Must've missed that one in geography...
10AM Eh, Whatever, He'll Be Dead before He Can Complain
Nurse: The patient in Room 39* requested a visit from a Mormon priest.
Chaplain: Really? I'll have to call one, give me a moment. [Opens notebook] Ah, here we go. [Dials phone, waits] Hi, this is Chaplain Smith* at the hospital. I'm calling about a patient who would like a visit from a Mormon clergy-person. I haven't visited with the patient, so I don't know if he is a member of your congregation, but he did specifically request a visit from a Mormon. Feel free to call me back at 555-3418* when you get this message. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a message on their voicemail. I wonder if the Jehovah's Witnesses check their messages often.
Nurse: Jehovah's Witnesses...?
Chaplain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: another witness
4PM I'm Intrinsically Motivated by the Work Itself
Coworker: It's just a motivational meeting. I don't care if I miss it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
2PM Introducing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal
Woman #1: I'm pregnant again.
Woman #2: On purpose?
Woman #3, sighing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a little hospital- and daytime TV R and R.
Montvale, New Jersey
12PM He Spells 'Foxtrot' with a 'Ph'
Employee: Thanks for calling iTransact, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I'd like to cancel my account, please.
Employee: No problem, sir. Can I have your name, please?
Customer: Yes, it's 'Frank.' That's 'F' as in 'Frank,' R-A-N-K.
Farmington, Utah
11AM Nope, Sold Them to the Gypsies to Pay the Bills
Student: Mrs. Smith*, do you have any kids?
Mrs. Smith: No, I don't have children.
Student: Did somebody steal them?
1212 Cheyenne Boulevard
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Sheri
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
4PM Being the Truth Fairy Is Less Fun Than I Thought It Would Be
Bearded man in green pixie wig, pink feather boa, and fairy wings: I think about death every day.
577 Western Avenue
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: it's halloween
3PM You Look Vaguely Female, and I Dig That about You
Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: ...Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn't respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you're very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
1PM Renoir: Doc, I'm Going to Need More Tetrodoxin
Blonde #1: I wonder... Did they have photography when this artist was alive?
Blonde #2: Well, I don't really know. Why do you ask?
Blonde #1: Well, how did they get the people to stand still long enough to paint their faces and stuff?
The Louvre
Paris
France
Overheard by: Mindy WIlson
11AM Have You Heard That Crazy Rumor about Tanning?
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool -- we didn't realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn't know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
10AM By the Way, the Papillomas Are Lovely This Season
Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a climbing plant, but I'm not sure what it's called. It sounds like 'clem'-something, or 'clam'-something?
Employee: Right... Ah, 'chlamydia'?
Customer: Um... No, that's--
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That's a venereal disease -- she probably wants 'clematis.'
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
5PM You Can't Get Unscented Anything in the State Hospital
Creepster #1 smelling women's deodorant: Smell this: it smells like raspberry. Mmm!
Creepster #2: Smell this... It smells good! It's called 'Unscented'!
Creepster #1: Mmm.
Walmart
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: walking away quickly as to not disturb them
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend
Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?
4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida
12PM I Also Have an Intermediate Grasp of European
Air Force interviewer: What did you major in at college?
Interviewee: Chinese. Well, actually, my degree was in 'Asian and Middle Eastern Languages and Literature.'
Air Force interviewer: Oh, that's so cool. So, you speak Asian?
Interviewee: Um, yes.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM The Car Did Most of the Work
Coworker: I was in a car accident once, but it wasn't my fault because I was asleep.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Not carpooling anymore
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
2PM I'm Convinced -- Here's 13 Dollars
Guy with wallet-chain and flannel shirt: The only difference between me and Kurt Cobain is I don't have a heroin addiction. Or a shotgun.
3rd floor, Accenture building
Austin, Texas
10AM Thank God for Women Who Don't Know Any Better
Salesman: You know, customers who want their parts on time and in decent condition really get on my nerves.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM Lt. Uhura: I Confess, I'm an Android
Idiot employee: No, man! I'm telling you, there were no black people in Star Trek! They weren't allowed to have jobs back then!
Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: book browser
5PM Has She Tried the Front Wipers?
Manager: Where's Patti*?
Worker: Her husband is having that cadillac surgery. She won't be in until later.
Manager: Cadillac surgery?
Worker: You know -- when they take the globs off of your eyes so you can see?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: admin in charge
3PM Is This One of Those Microsoft Interview Questions?
Receptionist: I'm going to Hawaii next week. If I wanted to swim under the entire island, how deep would I have to go?
1600 Utica Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
11AM Yeah, Tell Him We Canceled Favorite Animal Friday
Coworker leaning on office door: Hey, have you seen John*?
Horse puppet appears peeking from under John's desk.
Horse puppet: John's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Coworker, slowly backing out of office: Uh...
8700 NW River Park Drive
Parkville, Missouri
Overheard by: Hapless intern
3PM At a Quarter-Million Square Miles, He's a Very Big Boy
Proud, jorts-wearing papa: Eric* is looking more like a Saskatchewan every day, with his big feet and all that hair.
Conrad Sauer Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jacob
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
10AM You Telling It to Me in a Chipmunk Voice after Sucking All the Helium out of a Balloon Only Makes It Less Credible
Coworker #1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Coworker #2: I know it sounds stupid...
Coworker #1: No, it doesn't just sound stupid, it is stupid.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM Hours Later, Bloody and Rumpled, They Declared a Truce
Managing director: Did you meet Daron* yesterday?
HR recruiter: Daron?
Managing director: I introduced him to you yesterday.
HR recruiter: Who?
Managing director: I did.
HR recruiter: No, you didn't.
Managing director: ... Maybe I'm going crazy. You know -- Daron, with the dreads.
HR recruiter: With what?
Managing director: Dreads. You know -- dreadlocks.
HR recruiter: Oh, I hate those.
Managing director: What? Dreadlocks have been around since the Bible.
HR recruiter: What?
Managing director: Since Samson and Delilah. Samson had dreads.
HR recruiter: Who did?
Managing director: Samson!
HR recruiter: You mean Daron?
Managing director: Who?
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
2PM You Should Have Had a Few Spares
Administrator on phone: Yeah, my cat passed away last Sunday. I put him in a paper bag and put it out on the curb for... for trash pick-up... What else could I do? Can't put him in the back yard. Yeah, I gotta get a new place. I can't stand the mice anymore.
Department of Education, 65 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Emma
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
10AM When We Get to 'Two,' Give Me a Push, Okay?
Blonde entering elevator: I tell you, people are lazy.
Brunette: Which people?
Blonde, hitting button for second floor: Everybody. Everybody is lazy!
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: going to 5
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
5PM I See Your Attempt at Humor, and I Refuse to Acknowledge It
Deskie #1: What's that smell? Sulfur? Rotten eggs?
Deskie #2: I have it figured out: It's Halloween, and all these girls are walking around with nothing covering areas which haven't been exposed in public since last Halloween.
Deskie #1: I don't get why that is relevant.
Front desk, Central Michigan University
Mount Pleasant, Michigan
Overheard by: Not A Deskie
4PM She's Seen All of Edward G. Robinson's Films
White rich girl leaving mall with friends: I am so much more gangsta than you!
Mall
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Am I Really in Iowa?
2PM And I Won't Read to the Blind Either! They've Got Braille!
Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can't walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Waistline: It's the Cheesesteaks
Harvard MBA student: So, are you flying back tonight? What airport are you flying into? New York?
Suit: Why would we fly to New York? We're from Philadelphia.
Harvard MBA student: I didn't know Philadelphia had an airport.
Suit: It's the fifth-largest city in the U.S., of course it has an airport.
Harvard MBA student: Largest city? Based on what?
Suit: Uh, population...
Harvard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not hiring any MBAs
11AM Somebody's Been Playing with His Dictionary
Manager: Look at those reports to see if any of the spelling has whacked off.
13490 Bass Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Trying to keep a straight face
10AM The Nexus of the Late '80s Savings and Loan Debacle
Bank teller supervisor: She started working there when she was 18, and now she's 46. Yeah, she's been there 36 years.
1813 E 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
3PM Yeah, It Reminds Us Why We Work
Woman to man remaining on elevator: Not getting off?
Man: Yeah, I thought it was going up. It was going down.
Woman: Ah, well, a little detour's okay.
Man: Yeah... I have a lot of work to do, though.
Woman: Well, but you know, sometimes it's important to stop and smell... the lobby.
60 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM One in Each of the Last Three Years
Coworker: So, this woman at my church just had twins, except she had three of them.
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: fly on the wall
12PM And Yet, Here You Are
Coworker #1: Man, if I found out my kid was retarded before it was born, I'd get it aborted. It's not like it's going to contribute to society.
Coworker #2: Except to give jobs to teachers who want to teach retarded kids.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and if my kid was going to be physically retarded but his brain was going to be fine, I'd give him up for adoption. That way I can have a normal one -- but I didn't kill him in case he's like Stephen Hawking.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Prochoice to a new level
11AM None of Us Are, Kid -- We're All Just Fakin' It
Newbie: I told you, I'm not brave enough to be a real waitress!
US-285
Conifer, Colorado
9AM Mariah Carey?
Coworker on phone: Quick, think of a biracial vegetable!
Seattle, Washington
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
3PM The Civil War Re-enactors Ruined That for Everybody
Employee: Do you think I can leave my machete on display? I moved my plants and posters.
Supervisor: Machete, cool. Bayonet, not cool. I already asked HR.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Think I'll Request A Different Cubicle
2PM Around Here We Call It 'Napalm'
Customer: I know you wouldn't carry Jell-O, but do you have something exactly like it but called something else?
Whole Foods
Silver Spring, Maryland
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
5PM Because Sometimes the Purest Expressions of Love Need No Words
Coworker: Why won't any sex offenders talk to me?
1334 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
4PM This Dramatization of the Importance of Negative Numbers is the Grittiest Schoolhouse Rock Yet
CSR: Customer Service, this is Sheri*. May I have your account number please?
Customer: Why is my account negative?!
CSR: Well, if you give me your account number, I can look it up and go over your transactions with you.
Customer gives information, CSR verifies, and the conversation continues.
CSR: Well, ma'am, looks like your opening deposit on Tuesday was 25 dollars... And then you withdrew 40 dollars from the ATM on Friday.
Customer: And...?
CSR: Well, 25 dollars minus 40 dollars is negative 15 dollars.
Customer: I don't understand what you are trying to tell me.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
2PM It's Just that Karen is Very Fondle You
Office girl #1 to girl #2: Oh, you are so supportive, Karen*!
Office girl #3: Yeah! Like a bra!
423 East 23rd Street
New York, New York
12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls
Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
11AM For Emily Five, Wherever I May Find Her
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: What?
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: Huh?
Boss: You know -- the whole London terror plot thing.
Coworker: You mean, 'MI5'?
Boss: Whatever... Thank god they were there to make sure we're safe.
1400 16th Street
NW Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
2PM Neo Has Trouble with the Matrix Again
Sales guy on phone: Yeah, we need to quantitate that. Mmm-hmmm. Well, I can't make ends meet of this spreadsheet.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
11AM People Going through a Dry Spell?
Employee: I mean, really -- who uses the word 'lubricant' in passing?
48th Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Exactly the Kind of Dirty Work You Avoid on Vacation
Woman #1: How was your vacation?
Woman #2: Great!
Woman #3: You look great! Did you have fun?
Woman #2: Lots of sex, no kids, and lots of beach time.
Woman #1: You have sex on vacation?
Bergen, New Jersey
3PM Which Half?
Coworker #1: So, Mr. Ericson* says he is going to send in pictures of his fence to show the problems he has with it.
Coworker #2: Yeah, well, I checked the email. He didn't send us pictures of the fence.
Coworker #1: What did he send?
Coworker #2: Pictures of himself, half-naked.
Coworker #1: Well, I'm not fixing that.
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM He's Married to This Woman
Boss: Natasha*, is there something wrong?
Natasha: My friend just texted me saying that she's sitting next to Orlando Bloom.
Boss: Tell him he's fired if he doesn't get here in five minutes.
Employee #2: Boss, he's an actor.
Boss: I don't give a rat's ass what he aspires to be. I emailed everyone yesterday saying that this meeting was very important.
Natasha: Mr. Jones*, he's a Hollywood actor. He doesn't work---
Boss, very angry: ---I see. That's what he says, huh? He's fired then!
Employee #2: Seriously, Boss, he doesn't work here. He is just an actor who happened to sit next to Natasha's friend.
Boss: So how the fuck do you dare to interrupt my meeting with some bullshit talk on a psycho employee who thinks he's in Hollywood?!
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: working for an oblivious boss
11AM Dude, It's a Big Continent
White professional #1: Did you know that there's a coming of age ceremony in Africa where the nephew has to blow the uncle?
White professional #2: No, there isn't!
White professional #1: Yes, there is, I swear... [Turns to African-American coworker] Right, Kareem?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Hermitage
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
1PM And What Is That Bright Object in the Sky?
Pale girl: Look at these freckles on the back of my hand. Oh, my -- what is this dark ring?!
Smoker: That's called a tan.
130 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
10AM This Job Sucks -- I Quit!
Reporter #1: So, I was interviewing her about what she was going to do next, and she said she hoped she'd just get, you know, a Joe Blow job.
Reporter #2: You're not going to put that in the story, are you?
Reporter #3: Where can I find this Joe?
149 Penn Avenue
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I just work here
9AM Sorry, We Lost All of Ours, Too
Management material: Can I have a job application? I came in last week for one but I lost it.
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: Jaime who deals with dumb people
10AM Your Verbal Warning Will Be Confirmed in Pudding
Boss to tardy employee: I'm going to write you up with a verbal warning.
Employee: ... Wait. What?
Boss: Don't be smart.
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
9AM A Little Accident with the Stove... Why?
9 to 5-er: I've smelled burnt human, and it doesn't smell like chicken.
Austin, Texas
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM Apparently He Never Went Drinking with College Girls
Hardware tech #1: He probably covered the screwdriver in vaseline and lit it on fire.
Hardware tech #2: Actually, it was a woman. I mean, how dangerous can a woman with a screwdriver be?
460 Hillside Street
Needham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S. Griffin
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
1PM Not That We Were Expecting Bloody Geniuses
Client: I've talked to some of these people applying online. They're a little scary -- it's not like they're Menses candidates.
Portland, Oregon
12PM You're on the List of Idiots Born August 5th, Though
Coworker #1: Hey, look -- a list of famous people born on Friday the 13th.
Coworker #2: I wonder if I was born on Friday the 13th...
Coworker #1: When's your birthday?
Coworker #2: August 5th.
Coworker #1: Then no...
Weehawken, New Jersey
Overheard by: Brian
4PM I Came to Glasgow on a Holiday of Self-Mortification
CSR on phone: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I am French.
Percepta, Sauchiehall Street
Glasgow
Scotland
12PM Brice Now Regretted Choosing the How-Can-I-Be-Happy-in-a-World-Full-of-Suffering Meal
Guy: You know, it's really unfair we have 24-hour food, and some places have no food at all.
38th Street and I-465
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Mylisa Suzanne
11AM Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights
Salesman: It's this whole 'No Child Left Behind, let's get all the kids to graduate college' bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who's gonna do the work? Huh? Who's gonna dig the ditches? Who's gonna pick up the trash? We don't need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.
Birch Street
Brea, California
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
3PM The Aunt Needed to Be Wormed after an Unfortunate Incident with a Tequila Bottle
Sales assistant #1: My dad came over this last weekend and wormed Annabelle for me.
Office manager: Why did your dad have to do it?
Sales assistant #2: Is this your aunt?
Office manager: Don't you just give her a pill?
Sales assistant #1: No, you put it up her... poo.
Sales assistant #2: Ummm...
Sales assistant #3: It's an animal, Ed*!
Sales assistant #1: My dad wormed Josie, too. He has to put the medicine up the dog's tushy.
Sales assistant #2: Ohhh, okay, I thought this was her aunt. I'm okay now.
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM West of the West Bank
Blonde hostess: So, I started saying, 'Oy' all the time this summer, and someone asked me where that word came from. I think it must just be a midwestern thing to say, huh?
Ames, Iowa
9AM See This Eye Patch?
Man: Well, once you shoot yourself in the foot with a nail gun, you'll know you should never point it at anything.
Software company
Birmingham, Alabama
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
1PM What a Fulozer
CSR on phone: And what size product do you have?
Customer: Where do I find that?
CSR: It should be on the front of the label, probably on the bottom.
Customer: No, it's not there. All it says there is 'Eight fulozos.'
CSR: Uh... Do you mean 'Eight fluid ounces'?
Customer: No... It says 'Fulozos.'
1905 Aston Avenue
Carlsbad, California
12PM That Guy Under the Table Is Actually Just Booting
Waitress: Hi guys, are you ready to order?
Frat boy: Oh, we're not gay!
Diner, West College Avenue
State College, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: 3rd Shift
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
5PM Darwin, You Want to Field This One?
Guy: Fuck, she is just a total bitch.
Woman #1: What race is she?
Woman #2: Duh, female.
720 Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM So Only Old or Stupid People Deal with Him Now
Employee: Where's Bob* been the last few days?
Manager: Oh... He's been AOL for a while now.
1080 Greenwood Boulevard
Lake Mary, Florida
Overheard by: Something Mickey this way comes
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
11AM Mary and Joseph Really Had Their Hands Full
Mom listening to garbled announcement over PA: Did he just ask God to collect his son at the front desk?
Daughter: Are you senile?
Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington
10AM To Be Fair, It Was His Asthma Medication
Kid holding toy: If I don't get this, I'm going to die.
Dad: You're not getting anything today!
Kid: Do you want me to die? You want me to die! You're killing me! You're killing me!
University Mall
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
5PM Who Can't See Their Fingers
Coworker #1: Ha! They have phones with big numbers for people with fat fingers.
Coworker #2: Dont be mean -- they're probably for deaf people.
25 North Terrace
Adelaide
Australia
Overheard by: collins
4PM ... I Seem to Have Lost Possession of It
Cell phone technician: This is Mariah*, how can I help you?
Customer: Yes ma'am, I just bought the Sony Exorcism phone, and...
7111 N Prince Street
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: it's a sony ERICSSON!!!! LMAO
12PM A Better Solution Than 'Always Turn Left'
Receptionist on phone: I know, this piercing is the best! Now whenever I have sex with someone really stupid, they are bound to find it!
The Generator Hostel
London, England
Overheard by: JJK
11AM You Want a Bite?
Female coworker: Dude. What's with the mutton chops?
Male coworker: Just keepin' it awesome, babe.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up
Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.
Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
4PM And I'm Starting to Wonder about You
Guy: Humans are the only mammals that rape face-to-face.
Girl #1: What about dolphins?
Girl #2: But sharks don't. Sharks dance.
Guy: Sharks aren't mammals.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, you said mammals. But penguins don't.
Guy: Penguins aren't mammals either.
Tucson, Arizona
5PM Also, Will I Meet a Tall Dark Stranger on an Upcoming Voyage?
Customer: I need to have some work done on my car, and I want to know how much it's going to cost.
Shop guy: Okay, let's go take a look.
Customer: Well, the car isn't here, it's at my house.
Shop guy: You need to bring the car here if you want an estimate.
Customer: I don't need an estimate, I just want to know how much it's going to cost.
Auto body shop
New Jersey
4PM So You'll Have to Buy a Clue Somewhere Else
Customer on phone: Can you transfer me to the Electronic section?
Best Buy clerk: Uh, anyone in particular?
Customer on phone: Yes, Electronics.
Best Buy clerk: Sir, you do realize we are an electronic store, right?
Bowie, Maryland
3PM Lottery Board: Eeexcellent!
Customer: These ice cream cones and a hundred dollars in lotto tickets.
Store clerk: Okay, $106.39
Customer: What? These ice creams cost six dollars?! What a waste of money! No, I dont want them. What a waste. Seriously! No, no -- just the lotto tickets.
Eastlake Mart
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: kallisti
1PM Wait, No! That's What the Frogs Want!
Pilot: Tower, there's a piece of foreign object debris on the taxiway in front of the tower.
Tower: Roger, we'll send a truck right out to pick it up.
Pilot: Tower, disregard the FOD. It just hopped off the taxiway.
Tower: Disregarding.
Air Force Pilot training base
Texas
Overheard by: Redstick Zero Five
10AM No, I Quit Because None of Them Were Prostitutes
Male administrator: So, are you a prostitute?
Female administrator: Excuse me?
Male administrator: It's a line from that movie, Monster.
Female administrator: You can't just go around saying things like that to people.
Male administrator: Oh. Well, I used to do it all the time at my old job.
Female administrator: Is that why you're not working there anymore?
Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
9AM Still Curious about the Gasoline, George?
Computer nerd: Last night I had to set my monkey on fire.
California State University
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
4PM I'm Considering Bumping It up to 'Ti-Mika' If I Make Partner
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, and that's why I changed my name.
Ghetto girl #2: For real? What was it before?
Ghetto girl #1: I changed it from Te-mika to Ta-mika. Sounds more professional.
Ghetto girl #2: Oooh girl, you know you right.
1300 19th Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: KilThor
3PM Well, It Is and It Isn't
Supervisor: She used to wear all sorts of things in her hair, and then one day she showed up with a condom, and we were like, 'Honey, that's not a scrunchie.'
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
1PM Because, after This Conversation, I May Need to Blow My Brains Out
Boss: How was your day?
Employee miming pointing a gun to his head: Know what I mean? But it's over now.
Boss: My father killed himself six months ago.
Employee: Did he use a gun?
47 Catherwood Road
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: I prefer the
12PM When the Company Switched to Voodoo Performance Management
Coworker #1: What the hell am I looking at here?
Coworker #2: Could be blood, could be nothing.
Alpharetta, Georgia
11AM Tell You What -- Half Price for You. You Can Give the Six Dollars to Me
Girl #1: Ummm, we need to make copies, and we don't want to spend a lot of money.
Student worker: The copier over there is 10 cents, same as everywhere on campus.
Girl #1: That's so expensive!
Student worker: You could also scan the papers and print them out. That's free.
Girl #1: What do you mean?
Student worker: Ummm, you can put them on the scanner, hit 'Scan,' and then when they pop up, hit 'Print.'
Girl #1: I don't know about this whole scanning thing -- it sounds really complicated.
Girl #2: But that sounds better than making copies. I mean, we only need 12, and I don't want to spend 12 dollars.
Campus library, Bemidji State University
Bemidji, Minnesota
10AM Who's One Beer Short of a Six-Pack
Bartender #1: How many beers are in a six-pack?
Bartender #2: I work with a fucking idiot.
Subiaco
Australia
Overheard by: I'm ordering wine
9AM Receptionists Have a Limited Ability to Extrapolate
Manager: It is important that you put any call through to me today -- my mother-in-law is dying.
Receptionist: Is she okay?
Manager: No, she's dying.
Davey Street
Hobart
Australia
2PM And What about Graverobbers? Sometimes They'll Kill You Just to Get Your Jewelry
Girl #1: It's so scary hearing about people dying.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally... You can die from so many things. You can die from death, sickness...
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: elle
1PM The Demonican Party Is Known for Its Opposition to the Space-Time Continuum
Guy: Are you a Republican?
Girl: No, I am a Demonican.
Guy: You mean Democrat?
Girl: Let's change the subject.
Guy: Okay, well, who did you vote for in the 2004 election?
Girl: Clinton.
Guy: Yeah, let's change the subject.
The Coffee Tree, 223 Watson Boulevard
Warner Robins, Georgia
Overheard by: Jonathan Willis
11AM Even a Dumb Chick Is Right Once Every Thousand Years
Bimbette #1: Like, what's a millennium?
Bimbette #2: I think it's, like, when the year changes or something.
Video store,
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: A Thousand Years of Blondes
9AM Refuses to Watch Baseball Because of the Flies
Suit: The other way I learned it, from Schoolhouse Rock, is that the alligator is hungry and so wants to bite the larger one.
Woman coworker: Ohhh... I see. That would confuse me, because it's got animals.
919 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: i guess graduating elementary school just was
5PM Could Have Happened to Any of Us
Office girl #1: What's wrong?
Office girl #2, gagging: I was miming committing suicide by glue stick, and I accidentally inhaled.
N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
2PM Can We Say I'm in St. Tropez?
Teen boy: I want you to keep writing for the school newspaper. You can be our foreign correspondent!
Teen girl: Foreign? I'm not foreign just because I left the school.
Teen boy: Yes, you are. You're so far now.
Teen girl: I'm on the other side of Scarborough, and you're saying I might as well be in Bolivia!
Teen boy: We can say you are, if you want.
Ontario Universities' Fair, Metro Toronto Convention Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: made me laugh
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
11AM No, That Kind Really Sucks
20-something chick #1: Yeah, can I get a ham and cheese sandwich on fellatio bread.
20-something chick #2: Ummm, I think it's called 'focaccia' bread...
Lafayette, Indiana
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
5PM Of Course If We Fire Her, We'll Have the Expense of Training Another Screamer
General manager: Should we fire Missy*? She was screaming at you in front of other employees.
Manager #1: I don't know. What does Missy* feel we should do to her?
General manager: Uh, I didn't ask her.
Manager #2: She thinks we should buy her a pizza and give her a raise. What the fuck do you think she feels we should do to her?
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM But Here's One for the Record Books...
Boss: I smell fart.
Male coworker: Yeah, I smell fart.
Female coworker: It smells like fart.
Male coworker: Did you fart?
Boss: Did you fart?
Female coworker: No. I would fart but that one wasn't mine.
8531 Olive Blvd
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: The Girl
1PM If It's Too Hard to Process, Just Pretend You Didn't Hear It
Avis clerk: I just love your little beanie!
Jewish guy: It's actually called a yarmulke. I'm Jewish, and all Jewish men wear them.
Avis clerk: Oh! Well, you have yourself a merry Christmas!
Charlotte Airport, North Carolina
Overheard by: Renjeau
11AM This Mid-Life Crisis Is Coming Together Nicely
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning!
Admin: What?
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning! Broadsided it! Never even saw it!
Admin: You didn't see a garbage truck?
CEO: I know! I was doing like 40 miles an hour! And my kid was in the car!
1190 Del Rio Place
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: Never riding with the boss
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
4PM Sure, Just Wad it up so it Fits Through Those Little Holes in the Phone
Customer: Do I have to pay for that over the phone?
Customer service agent: Yes, ma'am.
Customer: Do you take cash?
Glenwood Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: suse
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
2PM He's Trying to Get Him to Say 'Oriental'
Security guard #1: What do you call those people who aren't Chinese or Japanese or Asian?
Security guard #2: Korean?
State Capitol Building
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: doodles
1PM Two Weeks, Even
Girl #1: It doesn't really feel like Friday.
Girl #2: What does it feel like?
Girl #1: I don't know. It feels like a week from Friday.
220 Kroncke Drive
Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Luke
10AM It's actually a Clever Piece of Performance Art Commenting on the Injustice of the Electric Chair as a Means of Execution
Cop: Put the knife down, you don't want to do this.
Depressed guy: Stay back! I'm serious I'll do it!
Cop: Come on, put the knife down so we can talk.
Depressed guy: Stay back!
Cop, pulling out his Taser: Ok, last chance, put the knife down or I'll Tase you!
Depressd guy: Stop, I don't want to get hurt!
Cromwell, Connecticut
Overheard by: CT Observer
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
5PM She'll Regurgitate it into Your Mouth for You, Like a Mother Bird
Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.
Corper's Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
4PM Luckily We Had Clear Written Guidance on How to Do That
Suit #1: I am about finished writing up the policy on policies.
Suit #2: Uh huh.
Northwestern University, 2020 Ridge
Evanston, Illinois
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
11AM In the UN Intramural League, we're Just 'Dem Bums'
Engineer to lunchroom: So do you guys know if we're officially called 'United States of America' or is it just 'United States'?
413 Pine St
Seattle, Washington
4PM She Was Breast-Feeding, You Sicko
Coworker on phone: And I like them already, they seem pretty cool. Nothing like starting my day with a cute chick showing me her boob.
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i wanna see!
2PM Actually She Details Cars, Professionally
Account manager: So I sent you that new job applicant. Have fun.
Recruiter: I just opened it up. Wow, she completely misspelled 'Delaware State.'
Account manager: Oh, it gets worse.
Recruiter: 'Seven years,' with an '-s!' And she spelled 'with' wrong!
Account manager: Yep, and she's a detail-oriented professional.
Trolley Square
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Rhymes with Banana
1PM An Irate Number 8 Refused to Fund Future Episodes of Sesame Street
Accounts payable tech: It's the letter eight. I mean the number eight.
6430 S. Fiddler's Green Circle
Denver, Colorado
12PM When You've Had that Many 'Shrooms, who Can be Sure?
BK guy: What did you do this weekend?
BK girl: I went to Ohio for a concert.
BK guy: Ohio? You went all the way over by California for a concert?
BK girl: Ummm... No...
Burger King, Rhode Island
10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker
Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?
Stanford, CA
9AM Why Nigerian Emails Work
Coworker viewing a Myspace page: Jeff Buckley's online! He's dead, how is he doing this?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
5PM There Are no Stupid Questions...Oh, Wait
Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?
420 Harding
Tennessee
4PM If They Ever Get out of the Burn Unit
Guy: Why can't you just have the party at your place?
Girl: 'Cuz I lost my damage deposit after that one time when that guy caught himself on fire.
Guy: A guy caught himself on fire and you lost your deposit?
Girl: Well, he dropped and rolled on the carpet. Then someone tried to put out the embers with rum, so the carpet caught fire too.
Guy: ....
Girl: Yeah, no more parties at my place cuz I have stupid friends who totally owe me $500 now.
Eastlake
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Nosey
3PM What They Use to Mix Cocktails in the 'Hood
Foreign coworker: What is a 'jigga'?
Male coworker: I don't know, I'm Turkish.
Female coworker: I don't know, I'm White.
44th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM The Truth Is Just too Explosive
Female coworker #1: I just don't know what to tell my kid.
Female coworker #2: What about?
Female coworker #1: Well, my six-year-old wants to know what's the difference between a lamb and a sheep.
Female coworker #2: Oh, that's tough. What are you going to tell her?
Female coworker #1: I dunno, probably that they are just similar species.
South Research Place
Central Islip, New York
11AM Or Whatever It's Called When you Drink too Much and Fall Asleep
Coworker: I swear, I keep falling asleep at my desk...I think I have epilepsy.
7945 Haven Ave
Rancho Cucamonga, California
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM At the Urban Legend Semifinals
Assistant #1: Did you know that one of the ingredients in gum is coyote urine?
Assistant #2: Did you know that there's something in cat urine that causes schizophrenia?
Buckhead Loop
Atlanta, Georgia
3PM Now Make him Define Irony!
Brother: Is he dead?
Brother's friend's brother: I think he's asleep.
Brother: Hey, you awake?
Brother's friend's brother: Hey! Say something.
Brother's friend: Make me.
Mishawaka, Indiana
Overheard by:
2PM He Showed up When She Ordered a Half-Italian on White
Waitress: My boyfriend is half Italian but he is mostly white.
Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: halfbreed
12PM And who do you Mean When you Say 'You'?
Coworker #1: Did you work here in 1993?
Coworker #2: 'Here' in what sense?
1110 West Washington Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: next cube over
10AM I'm Gonna Say Courtney Love, But That's Just a Shot in the Dark
Girl caller: Hi, I want to report a woman lying facedown in the road.
Police receptionist: What does she look like?
Rosemead, California
5PM That Reminds me, I have to go let Mom out of the Stocks
Hick coworker #1: There was nuthin' wrong with slavery. My family had slaves. They was like family.
Hick coworker #2: I know, I agree. My family's slaves didn't leave after emaciation because they were happy. We treated them like family.
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Happy I moved to a blue state
4PM I Nodded Off During the Part About the Rain Forests
Gay drama teacher: We're going to McDonald's, did you want us to pick something up for you?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I don't eat there.
Gay drama teacher: Why, because of the movie Supersize Me?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I stopped eating there ever since they started cutting down the rain forests to make room for more cow pastures for their meat.
Gay drama teacher: So... then, you don't want McDonalds?
1311 E Katella Ave
Orange, California
1PM He Gets Smarter When He Drinks
Frat boy: Gimme something like a whiskey sour but dont put Jack Daniels or anything like that in it. I dont like whiskey!
Bartender: Well what you want in it instead of whiskey?
Frat boy: Use Jim Beam, I fucking love Jim Beam!
Evolution Nightclub
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Melvin
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
4PM It Was an Attempted Coop d'État
Girl #1, walking past: There was a ruckus in the office but we sorted it out.
Girl #2: It's funny, whenever I think of the word ruckus I think of, like, chickens.
Girl #3: Oh my god, there were chickens in the office?
University Drive
Gold Coast, Australia
Overheard by: Jess
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
1PM You, for Example, Should Forget It
Salesguy #1: ...so she totally doesn't mind sexual harassment.
Salesguy #2: Really?
Salesguy #1: Well, she does and she doesn't. It depends on who's doing it.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Things Don't Always Go Smoothly at Karl Rove's House
Customer support rep: Okay, let's take a look at the installation instructions.
Customer: You mean that little book? That looked like documentation so I threw it away.
Fairfax, Virginia
4PM The Mistake Is Trying to Find Celebrities to Respect
Receptionist #1: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is dating?
Receptionist #2: No, I don't care. ... Who?
Receptionist #1: I read it in People so you know it's true. You're going to be so pissed.
Receptionist #2: Ok, who?
Receptionist #1: John Mayer!
Receptionist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Receptionist #1: I know, right?
Receptionist #2: Dude. What is with every celebrity guy I ever respected letting me down lately? First Jared Leto looking like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Receptionist #1: At least it's not Dane Cook.
Receptionist #2: I know. At least he's preserved.
Receptionist #1: At least he wasn't tainted by her taint.
Taunton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: kerily
3PM Boss Rule #2: Anything I Don't Know How to Do Must Be Easy
Boss: I don't see it as a big thing, I see it as a thing.
Woodbury, Minnesota
Overheard by: I can't believe I report to this guy
12PM It's the Fifty-First!
Clerk: Ma'am I can't take this money.
Lady: Why not? It's good American money.
Clerk: Ma'am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I'm not the one that's stupid.
13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida
10AM Viagra?
CSR waving papers around: How do you get the thingy to do the stuff?
323 E Grand River
Howell Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
9AM The Team That Smells Together Jells Together?
Senior research analyst in the elevator: Someone's all cologned up in here.
Team leader: I think most of us are. We're a good smelling team.
4833 Rugby Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
5PM May I Suggest Decaf, Sir?
Suit: Why do we have Swiss Miss and Nesquik?
Warehouse guy: Ummm, they're not the same thing.
Suit: How so? They both make hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Well, maybe cause Swiss Miss goes in milk and water?
Suit: So why don't we just keep this around? It's a multi-tasking hot chocolate!
Warehouse guy: Huh? Ummm, well, maybe people like the way Nesquik 'multi-tasks.' It can be put in cold or hot milk. Good for the summer.
Suit: And this can't?
Warehouse guy: Dunno. Don't think so...
Suit: Forget it! I'll have coffee!
The Boulevard
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: CoffeeJunky
4PM Rainman: Hey!
Angry cop: Fucking college kids make me sick. It's disgusting. You're the smartest most retarded people in the world!
Easton Avenue
New Brunswick, New Jersey
3PM The Bar For Being Old School Keeps Being Lowered
Coworker #1: You have an AOL email address?
Coworker #2: I know...So old-school.
623 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
11AM NewsFlash: Student Expelled for Refusing to 'Dumb Down' Answers
Teacher: Scott*, can you give the next answer?
Student: Religion is the belief in a supernatural and the relationship with this being.
Teacher: Could you please speak normally next time?
Student: I am.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise
Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
10AM Better Hope English Doesn't Become the Official Language of the U.S.
Dumbest: He said he had a stomach ache so I gave him some Aflac--you know, rolodex?
Less Dumb: Antacids? Rolaids?
7th and Congress
Austin, Texas
9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University
Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??
Rochelle Park
New Jersey
5PM All that Remains Since We Can No Longer Surf for Porn on the Job
Employee to boss: Hey I know it's the end of the day on Friday, but I'm really bored, do you have anything for me to do?
Boss: Oh! Here have some bubblewrap!
137 4th Ave
Edmonton Alabama
3PM Do You Think You'll Be Happy Working for a Non-Prophet Organization?
Boss: So you're Muslim, right?
New employee: Yup.
Boss: So you're from the country of Islam?
New employee: No. Not quite.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: feel sorry for her...
2PM What Happens When You Think About Things that Don't Bear Thinking About
IT guy: Oh, good I'm back to the top of your favorite people list.
Sales assistant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William's gone; he's off the list.
Sales guy: Isn't William a gerbil?
Sales assistant: That's my gerbil! We're talking about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Peter* about gerbil; he likes 'em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the gerbils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hairless, clawless gerbils.
Peter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don't want one with claws..
Peter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hairless gerbils.
Sales guy: Don't forget clawless... you don't want one with claws.
Office Manager: Stop with the gerbils.
Sales guy, to himself: No... don't want one with claws....
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM So Anyway, Whatever Problem You're Having Is Your Fault. Questions?
Techie, answering phone: Hello, this is Brenda*...No, I wasn't just speaking to someone on the phone... I'm positive; I work in IT so I rarely talk to anyone.
100 Sylvan Road
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: June Bug
3PM Which Means I Don't Understand the Question
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American...
Customer: I'm Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
2PM Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello 8 Mile
Guy reading the paper: Elton John is going to try hip hop.
Young co-worker: That's weird.
Gay co-worker: Who's Elton John?
5500 Rings Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: amazed he didn't know
12PM What Happens When You Use Google China
Office manager: Civil War Battlefield Protection, how can I help you?
Woman on phone: Yes, I'm trying to find information on the Civil War and I just can't.
Office manager: Well, have you tried the internet?
Woman: Yes, I typed "Civil War" into Google and NOTHING comes up on the Civil War.
Office manager: ...Really?
Woman: Yes... so can you tell me who was in the Civil War?
Office manager: That would be the northern states and the southern states.
Woman: Not the British?
Office manager: Um, that was the Revolutionary War.
13th Street & H Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Astonished
10AM And I Wouldn't Mind Getting You Between the Worksheets
Assistant: Hey, could you help me with a price on a part?
Sales guy: Yeah, just give me a minute to finish what I'm doing... Hey, I'll help you with your pricing thing if you come over here and help me with my spreadsheet.
Assistant: Deal. [Walks to next cubicle] My, you have a lot of toolbars...
Sales guy: I'm special.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM This Woman Also Finds "The Family Circus" Funny
Co-Worker: I spilled my milk this morning and my husband was like, "Don't cry over spilled milk." He's always saying funny things like that.
Carmel, Indiana
3PM Bill Clinton Was a Better President Than He Is a Campaign Manager
Boss: We never decided to postpone this issue. We just agreed that we would deal with other issues first.
Brouwersvliet, Antwerp, Belgium
2PM Well, Yes, But Only on an Evolutionary Time Scale
Young white girl: You need to wear sunscreen. My mommy told me that skin gets dark if you don't wear sunscreen.
Young black girl: I was BORN dark.
Young black boy: Me, too.
Young white girl: Really?
Young black boy: I wear sunscreen, too.
Young white girl: You were born that way? So it's not the sun? Really?
Preschool
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amused Pre-K teacher
12PM From the Runaway Best Seller 'Affirmations for Stupid People'
Manager, to himself: I am a ball of fire. I am a BALL OF FIRE.
Far reaches of Eugene, Oregon
11AM Of Course Because I Didn't Solicit It, He May Never Provide It
Manager: Sounds good. I asked Roger* for his unsolicited feedback on this, so that will be helpful.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
10AM Jack Spratt for the Twenty-First Century
Intern: I've never had butt sex. I'm saving it for marriage. Since I'm not a virgin anymore, I have to save something for my husband.
Friend: You're so dumb. You should have done what I did. I ONLY have butt sex, so I'm still a virgin.
Pour House Bar, Capital Hill
Washington, District of Columbia
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here
4PM You Know That Rumor That Iron Filings Are Better Than Cocaine?
Man on cell: What made you stick a magnet up your nose?
5th & Jackson Streets
Topeka, Kansas
3PM Eventually, Sure
Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?
Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio
2PM This Is Your Brain on Market Research
Advertising executive: Here are my recommendations: A. Can we simplify this? B. Consumers are stupid.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: writer and consumer
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
10AM The Last Event He Remembers Clearly Is V-J Day
Old man: Excuse me.
CD store employee: Yes.
Old man: Where do you keep your Negro music?
CD store employee: What?
Old man: Your Negro music!
Grandson: He means rap music.
CD store employee: Oh, over there.
1st Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
9AM In Fairness, He Was Cross-Dressing at the Time
Construction worker #1: So you know how I knew you were gay?
Construction worker #2: WHAT?
Construction worker #1: It's cool, dude. But know how I knew?
Construction worker #2: [shakes head]
Construction worker #1: When you started making out with me at happy hour last week.
Construction worker #2: Oh. Oh, yeah.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate
Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.
Santa Barbara, California
2PM Either Way, Really
Plumber: What do I have to do to install gas lines?
Admin: You have to take our class and enroll in a drug and alcohol testing program.
Plumber: You mean I gotta be on drugs to install gas lines?
Admin: No, sir, you have to NOT be on drugs.
Plumber: Oh, OK. I can do that.
5461 Southwyck Boulevard
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: Emily
11AM So Act Like a Robot That Acts Like a Human Being
Woman on phone: Could you please just act like a human being?... Oh, right, I forgot. You're a Transformer.
42nd Street
New York, New York
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Shopping at Tautology
Girl: Excuse me, do you carry tonic water?
Stock boy: Yeah, I think so. I mean, if we have it, it's probably somewhere in the store.
Girl: Uh, thanks.
Schnooks
Memphis, Tennessee
3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.
Best Buy
Astoria, New York
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
12PM Either That or a Pair of Pants
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I'll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it's a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
11AM Why Don't You Give It to Me Now So I Can Call You Later and Get It from You
Suit #1: Why didn't you call me?
Suit #2: I didn't have your number.
Suit #1: If you called me I could have given it to you.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
9AM Which Was Named After the McDonald's Clown and That Suicide Girl
Employee #1: So how do we go about naming our aircraft?
Employee #2: Well, the Reserve has a plane named The Spirit of Ronald Reagan.
Employee #1: Who is that named after?
Boss: It's named after the airport, I think.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X
Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: mmhmmm
3PM Here, I'll Show You with My Fingers -- The Difference Is the Long One in the Middle
Senior consultant: Hey, what's the difference between four and five?
Consultant: How am I getting paid less than you?
Waterloo, London
Overheard by: he said what I was thinking
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM He's Adopted
Patient: Yeah, I have a twin brother about my age.
Presbyterian Hospital
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless RN
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
11AM So I Knew All the Questions Ahead of Time
GRE taker #1: That math section sure was hard.
GRE taker #2: Yeah, I was real confused with the angle-side-angle calculations.
GRE taker #1: I thought it was tough, too, but thankfully I took astrology last semester.
Fayetteville State University
Fayetteville, North Carolina
10AM Do the Math? Do the Math? You Can't HANDLE the Math!
Customer: They're three for $0.99.
Cashier: We don't sell them at that price. They're $0.33 each.
Big Lots Store #1906, 498 South Boulder Highway
Henderson, Nevada
Overheard by: Lee Hall
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
5PM The Human-Powered Watercraft Speed Record Is a Seductive Mistress
Girl #1: It's like that kid that was kidnapped for all those years, and then they found him and he was back with his family... but then he died a few years later in a boatorcycle accident.
Girl #2: A boatorcycle accident?
Girl #1: I meant motorcycle.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was gonna say... if he was boatorcycling it would have been his own fault. I mean, he shouldn't have been boatorcycling.
Girl #1: I know!
4310 Sherwoodtowne Boulevard
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
12PM You'll Be Surprised and You Won't Even Know It!
Employee: I'm totally gonna sneak up on you when you're not here.
575 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
2PM In Practice, the Principle of Universal Brotherhood Causes Nothing but Confusion
Supervisor: So you and your brother have different fathers, then?
Worker: Yeah.
Supervisor: So you guys are related through your mom.
Worker: Naw, not really.
Supervisor: Wait, so how are you guys related, then?
Worker: I dunno. We're just brothers.
3901 Via Oro Avenue
Long Beach, California
Overheard by: bored on first day of work
1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'
Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM And of Course He Was There at the Time
Bimbo: She really didn't betray him other than sleeping with someone else.
1300 Riverside Avenue
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: dazed and confused
10AM The Violence Is Good, But I Always End Up Married to Some Vietnamese Girl
Male interviewer: So where are you from?
Female applicant: I'm from here, but all my family is from Vietnam.
Male interviewer: Yeah? My ex-wife is from Vietnam. Ever since that war over there, I haven't really been a fan of wars, ya know?
Doc Green's, Cumberland Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
5PM I Clung to the Ceiling Until the Board of Regents Granted Me Tenure
Japanese professor: The peroxides are very volatile. If you drop them, we have to be out of the building before they hit the floor.
Grad student: I won't drop them.
Japanese professor: And only Japanese ninja can move that fast.
Grad student: OK.
Japanese professor: I am well trained in the art of the ninja.
10900 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
1PM And What Could I Cover It With?
Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.
IKEA
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
11AM Please Hold It Up So I Can See It
CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I'm calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.
3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri
9AM She Stole a Kid from a Gay Couple? That Is Low
Intern: Candace's* mom is sixty-five! And she's had seven kids from, like, eight different guys.
1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, Maryland
Overheard by: mathwizrd
5PM 'So Peaceful You Could Cut It with a Knife,' I Said
Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she's going to go get a knife.
1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Volks
2PM She Couldn't Find the Container of White Powder
Blond barmaid: What's in a whiskey and coke?
Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: retired from the service industry
10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke
9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone
Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?
355 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: BiPolar
5PM And Apparently There's Also This Other Thing? Called Panties?
Girl: Omigosh, I learned something today. Did you know that bras have an adjustable strap? Well, the one I'm wearing today was always loose and showing my boobies a little, but then I adjusted the strap, and whoa, let me tell ya, my boobs are like five feet higher in the air, and they are fully covered.
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: azn
4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
2PM Then Why Are You Selling It?
Cashier: Ma'am, you do realize there's a fire ban in effect that includes charcoal grills?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was only for the locals.
City Market
Buena Vista, Colorado
Overheard by: One of the locals
11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College
Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.
4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault
Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.
1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lauren
3PM During an Office Fire, Some Employees Will Run Directly into the Flames
Coworker #1: Where are we supposed to meet for the tornado drill?
Coworker #2: Beth* said that we can just stay at our desks because we're already in the basement. She'll come around and do a head count.
Coworker #1: So we don't have to go outside, then?
Coworker #2: Um... no.
7000 Portage Road
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: Snark Monster
1PM A Brain That Dresses All Seductive but Won't Put Out?
Receptionist: What's a brainteaser?
16 Bailey Avenue
Ridgefield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nikki
11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children
Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight
Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM Why I Have No Pictures on My Desk
Lackey: So that's your wife, huh?
Suit: Yep.
Lackey: She's a grade-school teacher?
Suit: Yes.
Lackey: She looks like that one that had sex with her thirteen-year-old student.
275 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
2PM The Red Sea Was a Giant Wine Bar
Devout drinker: So if you think about it... Moses would want you to be drunk right now.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Converting to Judaism
12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies
Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!
Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: BigWig
11AM Solitaire Is a Conspiracy by the Black Man to Undermine White Productivity
Employee #1: Blacks, blacks everywhere! Stupid blacks! I can't do anything with them. They just take over.
Employee #2: Cletus*, quit playing solitaire and do some work.
Downtown
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: non-profit ninja
5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures
Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.
Balboa Park
San Diego, California
Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby
3PM We Only Sell Information Here
Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]
Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
1PM Thus, He Probably Overcharged for His Chuppahs
Employee #1: Well, we already live together.
Employee #2: Oooh, living in sin!
Employee #3: Jesus won't be happy with you.
Employee #1: Well, I'm Jewish, so Jesus already isn't too happy with me.
Employee #3: That's true.
Employee #1: I think when I get married under a chuppah, he might get upset!
Employee #2: Jesus was Jewish, though.
Employee #3: Jesus was also a carpenter.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM That Explains Some of the Stains, Though
Lawyer: Oh, he's a philanderer?
Legal assistant: No, he works at a paint store.
14340 57th Avenue
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
11AM It's an L.A. County Law
Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Jen
5PM When Your Job Is Over Hard
Waitress: Can I ask you something? This customer wants two eggs. But he wants them fried. Do we even do that here?
Manager: Um, yes. Actually most eggs are fried. There's over easy, sunny side up, over hard...
Waitress: Oh, really? OK. Whatever.
30th & Walnut Streets
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Just having oatmeal
4PM Actually, It's a Generational Rorschach Test
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: Pop Culturally Literate
3PM So That's Why People Go into Hairstyling
Stylist on phone: Oh, I gave you the wrong phone number.... So is that like a fact-smile? A fact-smile. It says here the fact-smile number is 312-555-1234*.
South Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: waiting for a haircut
2PM Worried It Might Get Chicago Wet
Coworker #1: Did it rain while you were in Chicago?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: Oh, that's good. I saw on the Weather Channel that it was raining in Virginia, and I got worried.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
1PM Can't Wait 'Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He's Her Father
Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn't know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She's adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How'd it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you're talking about. What a jerk! That's so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn't even talk to the nurses after that.
777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Antie Maim
Employee #1, on ant infestation: I noticed there were a few just walking around by themselves on my desk.
Employee #2: Those are scouts! Kill them or they'll go back and tell the others the coast is clear, then you'll have a rope of them!
Employee #1: I know, so I tried breaking the legs on one of them hoping he'd go back and tell the others not to come, it's not safe, but all he did was walk around in circles on my desk, so I just smashed him.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Employee #3
5PM So I Got This 'L' Tattooed on My Forehead
Guy: So it turned out my phone wasn't broken. It was just nobody wanted to call me.
Filton Road
Bristol, England
Overheard by: Rich
4PM He Means He Wants the Final Text Written on Papyrus
Boss: I don't need to see everything before it goes out the door. Just send me a final, final, rough draft.
Union Square
New York, New York
3PM They Stopped Doing the Circular Because of the Weird Envelopes
Customer: Do you have a circular for this week?
Cashier: Uh, no. We don't have those.
Customer: You don't have a flyer advertising your weekly specials?
Cashier: Oh, you mean this?
Customer: Yeah! The circular. What I said.
Cashier: Ma'am, this is not a circular. This is a rectangle.
Target
Waldorf, Maryland
Overheard by: SeeNoSpeakNo
1PM Even in the Black Hills You See White People
Aussie: Is Motown a black state?
American: Uh, actually Motown is a nickname for Detroit, and a record label.
Aussie: Is Detroit a black state?
American: No, it's a city.
Aussie: Is Tennessee a black state?
American: Whaaa... there's no such thing as a black state.
Aussie: There isn't?
Reservoir Street
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Yank Down Under
12PM Because I've Heard Stories About These 'Dingoes'
Employee on phone with child care center: Ummm, I don't know... do you have trouble with children escaping?
Canberra, Australia
Overheard by: the entire, amused office
11AM But I Play One on TV
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: lauren
10AM He Was Much Worse Before the Diversity Training
Suit: You're Asian, so I bet you want tea. We Americans like our morning coffee.
Asian interviewee #1: No, I had Starbucks on the way here.
Suit: We Americans like milk in our coffee. Asians drink it black, right?
Asian interviewee #2: No, I take mine light and sweet.
Suit: Well, you still wanna work here, right?
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing in America
4PM I Can Sell Her Anything!
Assistant: Let me see if she's available... Missy, do you want to talk to a Janie* at US, Inc.*?
Missy: She's a dumbass... Yeah, I want to talk to her.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming
Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: underpaid TA
12PM Well, That Rules Out Marine Biology
Ditz: I'd really like to pursue my acting and singing career. I think I'm really good at that.
Dad: [Nods]
Ditz: But if that doesn't work out I could always be a marine biologist. But you know? I'd really rather keep working at Target. It smells sooo good.
TGI Friday's
Frederick, Maryland
10AM Next You'll Be Claiming People Lived in Mexico Before the Spanish Colonized It!
Customer: That's a pretty name. Different.
Cashier: Yeah, you don't see it much up here. It's Mexican.
Customer: Don't you mean it's Spanish?
Cashier: No, it's Mexican in origin.
Customer: Racist.
Sprague and Sullivan
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: It's this whole other country
9AM How's Tomorrow Sound?
Underling: What do you want me to do today?
Superboss: That's a good question. I can talk about that whenever you're ready.
4000 Shoreline Court
San Francisco, California
5PM I'll Bet the Fax Machine Will Be More Understanding
Speaker on fax machine: Listen, you freakin' idiot, this is the third time in five minutes you're tryin' to fax something to a phone number.
Employee in adjacent cubicle, two minutes later: Yeah, hi, this is the freakin' idiot... [loud squelching]... shit, now I dialed their fax number.
Georgesville Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: laughing in next cubicle
4PM She Made the Same Mistake with Love in the 1960s
Technician: Ma'am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When's the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma'am, it's not maintenance-free, it's free maintenance.
1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie
2PM And I Read a Lot of Nietzsche
Interviewer: What would you say your strengths are?
Buff interviewee: Arms and back.
Dresden Nuclear Power Plant
Morris, Illinois
Overheard by: Harbor
11AM I Hear They Have a Rivalry with the Fallujah Branch
Coworker #1: What branch of the military was he in?
Coworker #2: In the U.S.A. branch.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Kain
10AM Situational Ethics
Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.
Midtown
New York, New York
2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?
Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.
1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: WOW @ CU
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Tupac's Propaganda Machine, on the Other Hand, Is Alive and Thriving
Counselor: Is that a Tupac T-shirt? You're five. Tupac wasn't alive when you were born. What do you know about Tupac?
Kid: I know the haters killed him.
Counselor: Touché.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: SB
9AM Fool! The Customer Is Always Right!
Customer: Hello, Phyllis, how are you today?
Worker: I'm not Phyllis, I'm Kay.
Customer: Your name tag says Phyllis.
Worker: No, it doesn't. It says Kay, see? P-H-Y... oops!... wrong name tag.
Westmoreland Mall
Greensburg, Pennsylvania
5PM She Has Trouble Hearing When She's Going 'BLURGH!'
Guy #1: I was talking to Megan the other day. She is pretty cool.
Guy #2: Yeah, she is, but man, she is really bulimic.
Guy #3: Bulimic? What does that mean? Does that mean she's deaf?
YMCA
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: T
2PM How Angie Got Her First Job
Manager: So why do you want to work in a book store?
Teen: Um...I love reading books.
Manager: What's the last book you read?
Teen: Uh...Umm...I don't...[Giggles]...Umm...
Manager: Well, what's your favorite book?
Teen: Um...
Manager: Okay.
Barnes & Noble, Irving Mall
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Mongo Man
5PM He Could Trip on a Tampon at Any Moment!
Techie guy #1: You know how my friends Jason and Mike rode their bikes to Mexico and then to Costa Rica to play poker?
Techie guy #2: Yeah.
Techie guy #1: Well, Mike's living with this girl he met in Mexico.
Techie guy #2: Is that safe?
11000 Regency Parkway
Cary, North Carolina
4PM In This Month's New England Journal of Medicine: 'Insurance Forms and the Placebo Effect'
Doctor #1: So I called him when he didn't show up for his visit and told him I was waiting for him. He told me that he came, signed in, filled out the insurance paperwork, answered some questions, then left and went home.
Doctor #2: What an idiot. Don't people realize that when you have a doctor's appointment, you're actually supposed to go in to see the doctor?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Moron
2PM Get the Mirror Off Your Desk
Employee: I've been on e-mail since 5 AM, and all I see is incomptitude.
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: hearing it in stereo
1PM It's All About Scheduling, Yo
Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo' what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl's car and rode over to my baby daddy's momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, "Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit's suspended, yo."
Male customer: That's some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo' reals...But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.
11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: suddenly not hungry
12PM Will Someone Please Buy This Nurse a Knockoff Prada Clutch or Something?
Nurse #1: Do you think it's okay to eat this? It was in there with the specimen bag.
Nurse #2: Oh yeah, it's fine.
Hospital
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: jessie spano
9AM 2006: Al Qaeda Reaches Alaska
Admin: Do you need help with anything?
Engineer: Nobody ever asks that here. What are you up to?
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Overworked
3PM The Real Reason Behind the Great Chicago Fire
Engineer #1: If you flush the toilet, you lose water pressure?! So it's like, "Sorry, the dishwasher is running. We have no fire protection."
Pause.
Engineer #2: Who flushes the toilet if their house is on fire?
700 West Capitol Avenue
Little Rock, Arkansas
1PM That's Hardly a Reason. He Must Have Smelled Bad.
Customer: I would like to complain about the woman who works here. She was very rude to me for no reason, even yelling, and then made me leave.
Clerk: Are you the guy who was walking around naked?
Customer: Oh...ah, well... [Leaves quickly]
Porn store
Bozeman, Montana
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
11AM Who Wants to Work in a Dump Like This Anyway?
Manager: We're going to have to let you go.
Employee: I didn't do nothin'!
Manager: I personally caught you defecating into the employee bathroom sink.
Employee: The toilet was filthy!
95 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM NewsFlash: Crime Wave Linked to Font Addiction!
Co-Worker: Fonts are like my heroin.
820 West Superior Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM The Scary Thing Is, I Agree With Both of Them
Male co-worker: It just ticks me off that Elmo is more popular than Grover. My other job was really boring, and one day I was fantasizing...
Female co-worker, interrupting: I think we've heard enough.
20890 Kenbridge Court
Lakeville, Minnesota
Overheard by: Gigi