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4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
5PM No Gay People in This House!
Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn't leave the house anymore. She had that -- what do you call it -- homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean 'agoraphobia.'
Coworker #1: No, I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
Coworker #2: ... If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
3PM Ladies, All of You Should Be Dating This Guy
Dude: I registered to win a trip to space, and I haven't heard anything. I'm very disappointed.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas Bohrman
3PM Anyway, Long Story Short: I Spill Caulk on Myself at Least Once a Day Now, Though Usually at Night
Retiree visiting the office: I was working on the windows and running around the yard with my caulk in my hand, and I have this neighbor, Dave*, who was standing in the bushes, and I didn't see him. But Dave scared me and there was caulk everywhere -- caulk all over the windows and caulk on my hands. No, I'm serious, there were inches of it coming out! You guys aren't even listening to me! I didn't know what to do about all of the caulk on my hands but I called the 800 number on the side of it and the guy said that friction could get it off.
110 Nelson Road
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
3PM You've Never Asked Permission Before
Coworker to boss: I'm starting to feel like not being nice and not being so understanding to Jennifer*. You'll either have to give me a pep talk about politeness in the workplace, or give me permission to be a bitch.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: End of the Rope
5PM Especially When it Leaks out the Hole in my Side
Student: Ooooh, grape juice! I love drinking grape juice. It makes me feel like Jesus.
Eastern Kentucky University Dining Commons
Richmond, Kentucky
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Sometimes He'd Euphorically Do Body-Shots Off of me and Ned From Accounting
Female coworker: I'm so tired of being alone but it's impossible to meet any available men here. I should have taken John* up on his offer.
Male coworker: Who?
Female coworker: You know, John Smith*. The guy who was here about eight years ago and got booted, then came back a few years later, then got booted again a couple of years ago.
Male coworker: Oh he's been booted more times than that! What are you talking about?
Female coworker: Didn't I tell you? He came back last fall trying to get reinstated and stopped by to see me. He said he'd been thinking about me. He wanted to know if I was interested in getting together but I didn't want to get into that so I lied and said I was seeing someone. Now I wonder why I did that.
Male coworker: Maybe because he's a bipolar bisexual alcoholic?
Female coworker: There is that...But I bet he wouldn't have bored me.
Small town, Washington
Overheard by: i'm lonely too - but not that lonely
9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess
Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.
28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
12PM Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.
Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.
Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.
Elevator
Houston, Texas
5PM He Just Doesn't Have the Underwearwithal
Woman: I haven't talked to Henry* in a week. I'm through with him.
Man: Why? What happened?
Woman: He's sooo selfish. He took the last t-shirt out of my drawer and wore it.
Man: That's it? Dumped him over a t-shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we're through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. Infidelity I forgave, but don't take my last goddamned t-shirt out of my fuckin' drawer. Selfish!
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Nobody Who Says 'Languish' Would Ever Get Promoted in the US
Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What's the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you're not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you're saying you can't give me another job because you've been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.
388 George Street
Sydney, Australia
9AM Maybe 'Shape It Up' Might Have Been More Appropriate
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No...Actually, yes. I can't find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but...
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]
Girl: Yeah, "Whip it!" [Makes whip crack motion]
Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.
1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
2PM NewsFlash: Hygiene Strikeforce Raids Filthy Apartment
Irate tenant on voicemail: I came home today, and someone was in my apartment...vacuuming...I feel so violated.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
9AM I Know the Perfect Position For You!
Employee #1: I don't know how you got a better review than you did last year.
Employee #2: Yeah, me either.
Employee #1: You know, I really only get about 50% out of you each day.
Employee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usually less.
Employee #1: Wouldn't it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Employee #2: Probably, but I really just don't feel like it.
901 Warrenville Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Recovering Workaholic
12PM No One Intelligent Gets Married
Clerk #1: My nephew is getting married, and his mother is not happy.
Clerk #2: Why's that?
Clerk #1: Well she is Mexican, Italian or maybe from India. I don't know. They just don't like her. He's really intelligent, but they're worried about him quitting college now.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: unbelievable
11AM Have You Considered Art School?
Girl #1: I should be a professional killer
Girl #2: What are you talking about?
Girl #1: Well, I was really good in riflery in camp. I hate people. And I love wearing black.
40 West 57th Street
New York, New York
5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On
Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: Dammit! I hate being poisoned!
Coworker #2: You know, something tells me that you aren't doing paperwork.
460 Canning Highway
Perth, Australia
4PM Smoke Break
Overlord: It's just like "Devil Went Down to Georgia" -- the devil clearly wins but, they try to sell it like Johnny did.
Underling #1: Oh, yeah, the devil clearly wins.
Underling #2: No, it's about the fiddle playing, you can't bring the band of demons into the mix. Johnny wins on fiddle playing.
Underling #1: I can see what you're saying but, the devil's flash takes it.
Overlord: Right, the groove is undeniable.
Underling #2: You know what, let's not have this discussion again. I don't want to be mad on a Friday afternoon.
2525 State Road
Bensalem, Pennsylvania
3PM Slushie Run
Coworker#1: Okay, I'm back.
Coworker#2: Where did you go?
Coworker#3: We went to get a slushie.
Coworker#2: What? Where's mine?
Coworker#1: You didn't say you wanted one.
Coworker#2: Well, must my slushie needs be known to everyone? I just can't believe you went without even asking me.
Coworker#3: How is she supposed to know if you wanted a slushie?
Coworker#2: I always ask her if she wants one when I go. I even give her money if she wants one. Oh, and look now. Now your're drinking it in front of me.
Coworker #1: Dude! You never said you wanted one. You even saw me walk out. Do you even want one?
Coworker# 2: No, I'm fine.
19219 N 4th Street
Covington, Louisiana
9AM Back to Work
Matthew McConaughey's mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.
Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe... don't you know who I am?
Matthew: You people bring me down.
Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas
1PM Vacation Memo
Boss: Did I forget to tell you that we will be open this Monday? I decided not to close the office after all.
Employee: For what?
Boss: It's Labor Day, and I was going to close the office, but decided not to.
Employee: It's not Labor Day! Memorial Day is this month, but not until the end of the month.
Boss: It says right here on my calendar it's Labor Day. I thought it was weird that Labor and Memorial Day were in the same month.
Employee: Let me see that calendar. . . Oh, for God's sakes, do you see that M by the date?
Boss: Ummm, yeah.
Employee: That means Labor Day for Mexico!
Boss: No kidding! Wow, I feel really stupid!
Employee: Yeah, you should! Happy Labor Day, Senorita!
4302 West Crystal Lake Road
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Gramma
3PM Smoke Break
Worker: I like my shirt, but Iā€™m afraid my boobs are going to fall out. Which would be fine somewhere else, but not here. Thatā€™s how I feel about all my clothes: "great for not here."
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Thanks for the coffee. You didn't pee in it or anything, right?
Employee #2: Oh my god, you are like my freaking wife!
101 15th Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Back to Work
Employee on phone: Yeah, I'm leaving early today...Because if I don't, I'll kill someone. No, I mean it, someone will literally die at my hands, so I figure I'm helping out the company by leaving early.
900 Commonwealth Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Back to Work
Manager: So, you're back! How was your vacation?
Contractor: Well, I think I got a lot done.
Peon: That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.
909 A Street
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Barnstable
4PM Interviews for Jack's Replacement
Co-worker #1: Now I feel bad about us putting those moving boxes in his cube the other day.
Co-worker #2: Why? he thought it was funny at the time.
2401 Utah Ave South
Seattle, Washington
5PM That's a Wrap
Office worker: You know how everyone just looks at themselves and sees pure ugliness?
1800 G Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Project Meeting
Employee: I figured out a good way to make our guests happy.
Manager: How's that?
Employee: Remorseless lying.
1939 Dixie Highway
Fort Wright, Kentucky
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: There he goes, tossing his salad again. Isn't that a phrase? Doesn't that mean something? "Tossing the salad"?
Temp: Yes, it's a phrase.
Worker #1: But what does it mean? Is it like, "I'm gonna kick your ass"? "I'm gonna toss your salad"?
Temp: Um, not exactly.
Worker #2: Yeah, I've heard that, too. What does that mean? Do you know?
Temp: Yes, I know, but it's kind of inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh really? What does it mean?
Temp: It's inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh come on, just tell me.
Temp: Well, it's...analingus.
Worker #1: Oh. Really?
Worker #2: I never heard that.
Worker #1: "I'm gonna toss your salad". Huh.
Worker #3: ...If anyone was made uncomfortable by this conversation, come talk to me later.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Finalize Contracts
Co-worker: This is absolutely draining. Now I have a headache and want to go home and cuddle up with my blanky.
6277 Sea Harbor Drive
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Nicole Pickering
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I do things my way because that's what works best for me.
Co-worker #2: Huh?
1 Embarcadero Center
San Francisco, California
12PM Contact Collections
Attorney on phone: Well, I'm really sorry you're going to jail. But you still need to pay our bill.
110 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Odd
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: What are you still doing here? I told you to go home early.
Employee: I know. Have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption?
Boss: Yes.
Employee: Remember what happened to the prisoner that finally got his freedom? He ended up hanging himself because he didn't know what to do with his free time.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Producer: Alan Greenspan is leaving the Fed and so our business anchor is crying.
1 Time Warner Center
New York, NY
Overheard by: The McCrum
5PM That's a Wrap
Cubicle #1: I seriously just saw the churchy lady feel some guy up right now.
Cubicle #2: What?
Cubicle #1: Yeah. he looked horrified too.
Cubicle #2: Huh. What kind of "feeling up" are we talking here?
Cubicle #1: I'll show you when I go down there.
Cubicle #3: Sounds good.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: Today needs to be over. I'm so seriously ready to slit my wrists--
The phone rings.
CSR: Good afternoon. This is [Nelly], how can I help you? Oh...hi! How are you doing?...Oh, I'm great! Mm-hmm, yes, of course! I just have to pull up your previous order...Oh, really? Oh! Well, that's okay!...No, really!...Oh, stop it! Ha, ha! Okay, well thanks for calling anyway! Yes...Thank you, I will! You also, okay? M'kay, bye!...Jesus. Okay, so, what the fuck was I saying again?
950 Tower Lane
Foster City, California
2PM QA
Tester: Dude, did you see this? There's a button in the software that says "Fuck Off."
Designer: So?...That's a feature. Did you press it?
Tester: Yeah...it just went away.
Designer: And did it make you feel better?
Tester: Strangely, yeah. Yeah, it did.
Designer: See?
211 Van Buren Street
Nashville, Indiana
Overheard by: Scott
3PM Coffee Break
EA: ...she's still learning to change a diaper and all that.
Suit: Really?
EA: Yeah, but it's been extra hard emotionally because our family is really strict and my dad still can't admit to himself that this happened. All he's said is, "I sent you to private school! Don't they have sex ed there?" and "How could this happen?" Which doesn't help her at all.
Suit: No, probably not.
EA: It's like, "Dad, the baby is already here, get a grip." But, well, she's the baby of the family and I guess we all know how fathers are.
Suit: No, actually, I don't. I never met mine.
40 IDX Drive
South Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Bubble Wrap THIS
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Okay, so, there have been some changes in the past 24 hours. First of all, [Sharon] has left us for another job.
Team: Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked old witch is dead!
955 Rumble Road
Smarr, Georgia
9AM Just One More Day
Guy: At least it's Friday, right?
DMV Girl: I hate you.
300 W. 34th Street
New York, NY
9AM Don't Put Him to Sleep Until After the Raise
Employee: Why can't you just install that for me?
Supervisor: Because I'm not going to spend an hour out of my day installing this on your crappy computer only to find out that it still doesn't work and end up spending even more of my precious time trying to fix something that isn't fixable and wind up making my life hell by hearing you bitch about this all the time. Only to make you happy.
Employee: So, is that a no?
Supervisor: You're damn right it is.
Employee: Well, then can I just get a new computer so I won't have this problem?
Supervisor: Fine. Anything to get you off my back.
Employee: Can I get a raise?
Supervisor: Don't push it.
Employee: I think you need to take a nap.
1801 E. 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
12AM It's the Official CEO Motto
CEO: A man in my position has a high tolerance for other people's pain.
110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia
1AM You Might Even Say, Explosive Anger
Program director: Was he ever a Muslim? Because he carries himself with that same kind of anger.
2739 Cedar Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
6AM The Tissues Were Doused in Self-love
Employee: Ew! You're dousing your sandwich in tabasco sauce!
Intern: I'm dousing it in self-hatred.
4 W. Oakland Avenue
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Vivian X
