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Diet & Weight All Categories > Topics > Diet & Weight
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10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
5PM Followed by "Can't Get Off the Couch" and "Help Me, Dr. Phil"
Hospital aide: Yeah, these pants come in 'Large' and 'Holy shit, you're fat'!
Hospital
Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The other aide
12PM They've Gone beyond Even a Gentleman's "C"
Heavy male coworker: I really need to go on a diet. My tits are getting way too big.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: thesugarmonster
1PM You Do Smell a Little Ripe
Cube dweller: I'm at the peak of my fat season!
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
1PM What Are You Getting At?
Nurse: How much do you weigh these days?
Patient: A hundred twenty-one pounds.
Nurse: And the scale you are using is accurate?
Doctor's office
Connecticut
1PM She Just Can't Drive for the Hoop Now That She's Pregnant
Sensitive soul: She's gotten heavier, so now I can beat her.
Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
1PM They Seem to Follow You around the Room
Coworker on phone: But he always says, 'I can't dance, I can't dance...' No, it's because his breasts jiggle around when he swings his hips, and he's so insecure about his breasts. That's why he can't meet any girls -- his breasts move whenever he dances.
Austin, Texas
5PM Or Once That Definition Gets Relaxed
HR admin to uninterested IT guy: I'll be perfectly happy once I'm not morbidly obese.
1037 West 9th Street
Upland, California
Overheard by: Convinced she's correct
5PM As It Is, My Thighs Are Badly Chafed
Coworker #1: I saw you on the train this morning. You should have sat with me.
Coworker #2: Why didn't you say hello when we got off?
Coworker #1: You were, like, speed racer walking towards the building, and I waddle. Waddlers can only move so fast, and I had maxed out.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: A Fellow Waddler
3PM Maybe I'll Start Walking to KFC from Now On
Female coworker to male: I wish I could sweat like you. Then I wouldn't be so fat.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM In My Defense, I Also Talk about Sex All Day Long
Chick: Dude, you're such a poser. You talk about food all day long and then go home and eat salad. You're not a real fatty like me. Talk to me when you join the club.
500 West 4th Street
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
1PM Might As Well Die Thin with a Hoagie in Your Mouth
Office girl #1: So, she's like, definitely got AIDS... That's what I heard.
Office girl #2: Really? No way! She's way too fat to have AIDS. It makes you really skinny.
Office girl #1: I wish I had AIDS -- you could eat whatever you liked.
Office girl #2: Yeah, I suppose... It would mean you might die, though.
Office girl #1: Hmmm, we're all gonna some day, though.
Office girl #2: Yeah.
London
England
Overheard by: Cecilia
2PM But Are You Sassy?
Pudgy girl #1: No, it's called 'Plus-Sized Models.'
Pudgy girl #1: Shut up! We fat, girl!
10 Perthshire Road
Brighton, Massachusetts
1PM Maybe I Should Stop Eating All of the Stale Doughnuts
Waitress: I think I'm gaining weight.
Waiter: What makes you say that?
Waitress: I've put on 18 pounds since I started working here.
Waiter: Maybe you're pregnant.
Waitress: It can't be. You cannot get pregnant by the finger!
210 North 77 Sunshine Strip
Harlingen, Texas
Overheard by: Omar
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
1PM We May Need to Go to Godiva for That
Dad: Come on, guys, pick out a gift and let's go...
Son: I know what we're giving Mommy.
Younger daughter: A big butt! A really big B-U-T-T!
Barnes & Noble
Glendale, Arizona
Overheard by: Blue Girl In A Red State
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds
Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM I, on the Other Hand, Will Be Seeing it for the First Time
Mortgage guy: I've lost 12 lbs. over the last 2 weeks!
Realtor chick: I'm gonna miss your chubby.
Yorba Linda, CA
Overheard by: laughing hysterically
3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
9AM First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Didn't Speak up
Writer: 'Portly' sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: 'Portly' sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That's not 'portly!' That's obese!
Designer: What's the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Actually, That's What Happened to My Ankles
Sales guy: How can you sit like that? It's disgusting.
Information specialist: I have weak ankles. I'm sorry I disgust you.
Sales guy: You don't disgust me, just the way you sit. Besides, you're always making fun of my women.
Information specialist: Say, do you have one of those auto-lifts in your bedroom?
Sales guy: I see what you're saying. Because I like big women.
Information specialist: I mean, in case you get pinned or something.
Sales guy: Funny thing is, I know how to maneuver one of those, from a previous job.
Information specialist: I'll take that as a yes.
Washington DC
11AM Pregnancy: Like a Tapeworm, but With a Baby at the End of it All
Coworker: I wish I was pregnant. You can eat as much as you want and nobody says anything.
Dakota Street
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM What Would Jesus Eat?
Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren't fat.
2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: in the office next door
2PM We Tell Them Americans Are Fat Monsters. Is That What You Meant?
Trainer: In America, when our kids don't finish their meals we tell them that there are starving kids in Africa. What do you tell them?
Clients from Kenya: [Silence]
Cafeteria, Hazina Towers, 258 Monrovia Street
Nairobi, Kenya
1PM When the Wellness Program Merged with After-Hours Self-Development
Woman #1: I can't just walk. I want a six pack.
Woman #2: Oh, I'll never have a six pack. I'm round in the middle, and I got no back!
Man: What the hell?
Woman #2: It's a rap song. Ain't my fault you've got no culture.
460 West 34th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: ahhaha
3PM Fat Gene Linked to Responsibility-- More Details to Follow
Female CSR #1: Did you get a brownie?
Slightly-larger female CSR: No, I can't leave my desk and work to get a brownie. That would be brushing off my duties.
Female CSR #1: Well, I'm not a fat person. I wouldn't know.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM That's a Wrap
Supervisor: Marlene*, I'm stuck in my chair again.
10105 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Street North
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Michael John
11AM Ergonomics Seminar
HR clerk: Maureen* broke another chair. Should I order her another chair designed for a person over three hundred pounds, or should I order an even stronger chair?
Manager: No! I am going to tell the maintenance guys to put her desk up on blocks! Then, I am going to tell Maureen that her job description has changed! She is now required to stand up to do her job!
[manager leaves]
HR clerk: Well, it is not going to be me that tells him that one of the toilets in the women's restroom is broken.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Lunch
Attorney's wife: I'm getting so fat.
Attorney: You're not fat.
Attorney's wife: Aw, well...
Attorney interrupts: You're old. You just look fat.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning... apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood... $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It's only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We'll use the hamsters to make fur coats... Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we'll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men's bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we're done selling them all, we'll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too -- a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let's try not to eat them.
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: My fiance and I are going to LA this weekend, and I'm trying to lose a pound or two before then so my friends don't think I'm pregnant.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, California
11AM Employee Orientation
Employee #1: Have you seen the new girl?
Employee #2: No, but Fat Matt in cube 3 was just asking for some ketchup, so you better hurry!
6666 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Snack Break
Boss: Hey everyone! It's the annual popcorn tin.
Employee: Ooh! I love popcorn tins.
Boss: Yeah, but you're lookin' a little fat, so we're gonna keep it away from you.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I think the pills of my dreams would allow me to eat whatever I wanted and never get above a size 4.
Co-worker #2: Those already exist. They're called laxatives.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jess
1PM Working Lunch
Co-worker #1: My diet is going really well. I have hardly eaten
anything today.
Co-Worker #2: Oh really?
Co-Worker #1: Yeah, I have had only three hot dogs and two hamburgers.
860 Levoy Drive
Salt Lake City, Utah
9AM What a Cheerful Morning
Co-worker #1: Hey! Welcome back. I can't believe you have mono!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, [Tamra] wants to make out with you so she can lose 50 pounds.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephani
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: So I was at the deli, and I asked for a third of a pound of meat. I asked the lady twice. She then gave me 1.5 pounds of meat. I said, "Excuse me, this isn't a third of a pound." Then she said,
"Yes, it is." Then I said, "No, it's not." So then she turns and asks her co-worker behind the deli counter how much a third of a pound is, and her co-worker replies, "Oh, a third of a pound is .75."...This is why I hate the South.
115 Perimeter Center Place
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: There's so much free food in this office!
Co-worker #2: At least we're young and not obese.
Co-worker #1: Seriously...when you turn 45 and you're working for the State, they should just pay for your gastric bypass surgery.
The Capitol Building
400 South Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: Kara M.
12PM They're Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano
Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope they don't weigh me on the spot since I am not sure I will be less than 200 pounds unless it's in the morning, after I've had a pee, and I'm nude...Does anyone have any topics they'd like to add to the agenda for today?
Manager: Um...yeah, I do, but give me a minute.
560 McCarthy Boulevard
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: CW Slave
6AM Hanging Out by the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morning and I was sleeping, so now I'm fricken pissed that my phone is ringing at 2 in the morning. It's one of my husbands friends and he says, "I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My brother--" blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but only for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he'd be right over, and I waited and waited and waited. Well, the son of a bitch never came...So that ruined my whole fricken night! So my husband is still asleep, and I haven't told him yet that his friend is staying at our house, but he wasn't here yet so...So I go on doing my usual morning shit, and I go out to get the paper when something on the porch catches my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I'm thinking, "What the hell?". Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sitting on my porch. It was Tom's friend, and I asked him how long he'd been out there. He said, "Since 1 AM." And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, thank God my neighbors didn't call the goddamn police." I mean I can just picture this man sleeping on my porch, he's so damn big...So I had this beached whale on my fricken porch all night long. So then I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and Orca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I needed to drive all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Meanwhile, I still need to tell my husband...so I go in and I wake him up and I said, "Congratulations hon, we have a 400 pound baby boy." He just looked at me like I was fricken nuts. So after I explained everything to him he came down, and you know...blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Orca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morning I come downstairs and...he was laying on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I'm going to have to burn my couch. You don't seem to understand how big he is. His stomach wasn't even touching the couch. It was hanging off of it. When he sits down his belly button reaches his nose. He could probably use it as a beer holder. Well I hear this whirring noise and he's got on a fricken oxygen mask, and honestly I didn't know he couldn't breathe...I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But literally his stomach is so huge. He's got a dickdo.
Woman #2: A dickdo?
Woman #1: When his stomach sticks out further than his dick do.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
4PM If You Don't Have Lunch, When Will You Talk Smack?
Older woman: It isn't good for your metabolism to eat too little.
Younger woman: Yeah, I remember when I was a kid and saw those starving African kids on TV. I said, "They aren't fat, look at their bellies!" That's what happens when you don't eat enough, you get bloated.
1500 University Drive
Billings, Montana
Co-worker #1: Do you want to go to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I'm on a diet.
Co-worker #1: But we're going to get ice cream afterward.
800 E. 96th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
8AM Do You Have Any Idea How Many Pies Are in One of Her?
Big fat receptionist: Ooh what is that?
Office worker #1: A caramel mochiatto from Starbucks.
Big fat receptionist: I hope you brought me one!
Office worker #2: Do you have any idea how many calories are in one of those?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sebastian O'Conner
12PM The Sweeeet Taste of Malnutrition
Very tan woman: I'm going to pass out at this charity event. I don't know where my lunch went.
Annoyed woman: What did you eat?
Very tan woman: A Cadbury's creme egg and two sugar cookies.
1 New York Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Preetham Mallikaruna
8AM Terry Schiavo? The Pope?
Yard worker: I raked the yard yesterday and I figured I'd be sore but I'm not.
400 lb. woman: I would be. You're in better shape than I am.
Co-worker: Who isn't?
246 Scoville Hill Road
Harwinton, Connecticut
