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5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
5PM And There's Nothing I Enjoy More Than Being Taken from Behind
Male worker to female lunch companion: See, the good thing about you is that you can really pack it in. I mean, most girls can't do that.
12th and G Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: i like to eat too
4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You
Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!
Portland, Texas
Overheard by: Kayte
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
3PM And He Brings Death to His Enemies
Student: Voldemort is like Bill Fates. He's good at marketing, but he didn't actually come up with Windows.
33 East Congress
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Stubby Boardman
4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
11AM Soon I'll Be Able to Afford New Friends
Dude: All my meth addict friends are like, 'That's so cool. You have a job.'
Portland, Oregon
10AM That Poster of Paris Hilton Over Your Bed, for One Thing
Dude #1: Hey, thanks dude, you really didn't have to.
Dude #2: Oh, that's okay, man -- no problem.
Dude #1: So, how did you know I liked princesses?
Peachtree Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: lesley
9AM You're Just Too Macho to Say 'I Love Her'
Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait... So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.
571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky
4PM Unfortunately, Someone Else Gave Janie a Gun
Dad's friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad's friend: What does it say?
Dad: 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You've finally grown into your bra size.'
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
3PM Like If They Smoke a Lot of Pot
Senior partner: What are you listening to? That's some funky music.
Paralegal: Phish.
Senior partner: Oooh, Phish -- I've heard of them but never heard them. Wow, they have a great sound.
Paralegal: Yeah, I really like them.
Senior partner, with fixed gaze: When you know someone listens to funky music, that can really tell you a lot about a person.
Washington, DC
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
2PM It's Just that Karen is Very Fondle You
Office girl #1 to girl #2: Oh, you are so supportive, Karen*!
Office girl #3: Yeah! Like a bra!
423 East 23rd Street
New York, New York
9AM Note to Self: Remove Foot from Mouth. Insert Banana.
IT guy #1: Oops, I dropped my banana.
IT guy #2: Well, that's the great thing about peelable fruit -- the inside is safe.
IT guy #1: Yeah, you can put it anywhere.
555 W 112th Avenue
Northglenn, Colorado
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
12PM Which Was Actually Required by His Last Employer
Female coworker #1: So, what do you think about Henry?
Female coworker #2: He's an odd egg, but a good egg -- at least when he's not licking people.
Wausau, Wisconsin
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds
Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM A Whacking Good Reason
Female customer #1: They have lotion in the women's bathroom that is phenomenal.
Female customer #2: There was a line for the women's room, so the owner let me use the men's room when nobody was in it. They didn't have any lotion in there.
Man: There's probably a good reason for that.
3520 Erie Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Please tell me you washed your hands
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
2PM I Love the Law: The Smell of the Jury, the Sobbing of the Witness
Lawyer #1: So I finally got myself in front of a jury!
Lawyer #2: Really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah! It was a rape case.
Lawyer #2: That's fantastic! Well, for you anyway.
Allegan St
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: o rly?
3PM The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them 'Delis'
Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.
Wilton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Derek Paruolo
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
4PM The Mistake Is Trying to Find Celebrities to Respect
Receptionist #1: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is dating?
Receptionist #2: No, I don't care. ... Who?
Receptionist #1: I read it in People so you know it's true. You're going to be so pissed.
Receptionist #2: Ok, who?
Receptionist #1: John Mayer!
Receptionist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Receptionist #1: I know, right?
Receptionist #2: Dude. What is with every celebrity guy I ever respected letting me down lately? First Jared Leto looking like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Receptionist #1: At least it's not Dane Cook.
Receptionist #2: I know. At least he's preserved.
Receptionist #1: At least he wasn't tainted by her taint.
Taunton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: kerily
11AM A Deal They Were Willing to Swallow
Salesman: They like us. We have a good taste in their mouth.
Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
12PM Made from 100% USDA Grade A Cops
Temp: All the food here is good, especially the bacon. I mean, this is real bacon, not the kind you buy at the store.
Culinary school
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: I'm surrounded by idiots
5PM And Apparently There's Also This Other Thing? Called Panties?
Girl: Omigosh, I learned something today. Did you know that bras have an adjustable strap? Well, the one I'm wearing today was always loose and showing my boobies a little, but then I adjusted the strap, and whoa, let me tell ya, my boobs are like five feet higher in the air, and they are fully covered.
Career Center
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: azn
9AM Lame Duck Car Buyers
Old woman: How dare you pick me up in a truck? I drive a Cadillac and you pick me up in a truck?! This is the last Cadillac I ever buy from you!
Manager: That's not much of a threat, now, is it? Seriously, look at you. I mean, there's not a lot of Cadillacs left in you, is there?
Car dealership
Ohio
2PM Her Resume Comes with a Centerfold
Boss: Did you talk to that girl Rachel*?
Male employee on phone: Yes, I have her resume in front of me now.
Boss: She's very pretty... she has big boobs.
Male employee on phone: Really.
Boss: Something to think about.
6671 Eastland Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: melessa
11AM Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal
Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter's Godless: Who's that lady, daddy?
Dad: She's some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]
Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That's my girl.
Auntie's Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington
12PM He Bought It From This Little Old Lady Who Said She Had Trouble With Flooding
Female co-worker: My uncle just bought a condom in Brooklyn. It's a real nice place.
Male co-worker: Really?
Female co-worker: Uh huh.
99 Church Street
New York, New York
11AM How Does One Judge a Kegel Exercise Contest?
Woman #1: Maybe it fell out because her vagina had no...tone.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #3: Right, no Kegel's.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Right, you are supposed to do Kegel's all day.
Woman #2: Since when?
Woman #1: From when you are 20. Or have a lot of sex.
Woman #3: I'd rather have a lot of sex than do Kegel's, but I do them, too.
Woman #2: What? My vagina is fine without either one. Don't tell my husband that, either.
Woman #3: You'll be sorry when you are older.
Woman #1: You never did Kegel's? We used to have contests at my other job.
Only man in the meeting walks in.
Woman #2: Well! What do men have to do?
Woman #3, smiling sweetly: Nothing. Men are perfect.
Bergen County, New Jersey
10AM Actually, He's Just Hung Like a Bull Moose, and Word Gets Around
Attorney #1: You know David*, the blind prosecutor downtown?
Attorney #2: He's the one who always gets the young, hot assistants, right?
Attorney #3: I don't care what anyone says, that son of a bitch can see.
300 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM I Said 'Him Pet Us.' American Is Good Doggy.
European: Did you just use the word "impetus"? I think you're the first American I have heard use that word.
3695 Freedom Circle
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: bbs
9AM Plus the Pictures Are Better
Elevator-Rider #1: Hey, are you still working in homicide?
Elevator-Rider #2: Nah, I left homicide a while ago. Now I'm in sexual predators. It's great 'cause I don't have to be on call anymore, and I have weekends free.
King County Administration Building
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: B
2PM The Last Temptation of Chris
Married dude: The regular girl wasn't there so they sent the cute one.
Happily-Married dude: Uh huh, the ugly one wasn't there so you met with the cute one.
Married dude: I find her very attractive.
Happily-Married dude: You are married!
Married dude: But she's paralyzed from the waist down.
Happily-Married dude: You're married! So you are paralyzed from the waist down!
226 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dag
3PM Glossy, But Empty and Devoid of Meaning
Sales girl #1 to sales girl #2: Oh my God, you look so Teen Vogue today.
257 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corinna
11AM Have You Considered Art School?
Girl #1: I should be a professional killer
Girl #2: What are you talking about?
Girl #1: Well, I was really good in riflery in camp. I hate people. And I love wearing black.
40 West 57th Street
New York, New York
1PM And I Really Only Need a Few Extra...for the Organs
CFO: Some days I'm amazed at your talent. Other days I just feel like I have forty extra children.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM Wait, I Thought Jessica Died Last Week
Co-worker #1: That's what I love about Jessica*; she's always so quiet. Never complains about anything.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, and if you had a lobotomy you'd do the same thing.
25 Winthrop Street
Worcester, Massachusetts
4PM Well, Pardon Me While I Prestidigitate Your Complementary Anaphylaxis
Account manager: You did a fantastic job on these business cards!
Art director: Shut up! Don't condense me.
Account manager: I'm serious! You're a curiative genius!
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
1PM Technical Advice
Engineer: Nasty letters always work!
315 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
10AM Sample Sale
Buyer: It's great. We bought a ton of old Levi's jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That's genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Listen, there's a lot to be said for being punched in the face.
1020 19th Street NW
Washington DC
Overheard by: I just work here
10AM Conference Call
Coworker on the phone: I've been doing the balls and it's been working.
6412 Maple
Westminster, California
2PM Small Talk
Coworker: You are very bright today.
QC guy in yellow shirt: Oh, why thank you.
Coworker, walking away: And I don't mean that in the mental sense.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM Offering Feedback
Coworker #1: Yeah, so this is what I wrote back to her. [Hands coworker #2 a piece of paper]
Coworker #2: That looks fine, and you made a good argument.
Coworker #1: Yeah, and I wasn't mean.
Coworker #2: No, not at all.
Coworker #1: Though I did sign it "Stop being a fucking moron - Sarah*."
Coworker #2: Good call.
3350 Riverwood Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: n-ro
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: I can't believe he sells drugs. He just doesn't look the type.
Coworker #2: He works in procurement. He's probably really good at it.
Park Road
Milton, Queensland
Australia
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: We have so much more room in the office now, [Erin] and I can dance.
Boss: Let's see you dance
Co-worker #2: Naw, she can't do it without a pole.
50 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Banker: Yeah, he's losin' his eyesight...He can barely see now. He's got that immaculate degeneration or whatever it's called. But he still builds things with power tools. It's pretty amazing...but kinda scary.
200 Nationwide Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Internal Review Committee
Co-worker: I like it so much I say forget about the back end, let's do everything front end.
150 South 5th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Colleen Cauley
12PM Planning Meeting
Worker #1: So did I answer your question?
Worker #2: No, but you entertained me.
242 West 36th Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Clerk: Why is there a wet floor sign on the carpet?
Supervisor: Sometimes I get excited.
Clerk: I miss working with you. You always know just what to say.
1201 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jessica Kalup
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker: Isn't it nice living so close to home?
1001 Roeder Avenue
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Chris Shard
1PM Lunch
Cubicle #1: I just realized Monday is your birthday. You'll be...28?
Cubicle #2: Yeah. You know, ten years ago I thought I'd be all married with kids by now. Living in Red Bank or Cheesequake or something.
Cubicle #1: Wow, thank god none of that came true.
Cubicle #2: I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Review Applicants
Partner #1: The real cute one?
Partner #2: Yeah.
Partner #1: Yeah, she's married.
Partner #2: Damn it!
Partner #3: That's how I like 'em. cute, and married.
222 Severn Avenue
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Tits McGee
3PM Smoke Break
Boss: When [Martin] first started working for the company he called me up to introduce himself and told me how great the owner thought we were and how they should order all their appraisals from us. Then he said that he was a little confused by one thing the owner had said about me personally. He said that I liked showtunes.
18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey
Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!
10AM Price Shredders
Assistant: Yeah, we need one of those industrial-sized--
Director: Oh, I know, you can shred a baby in one of those things!
1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Compile Mailers
Employee #1: You're making a mess with the mail. Envelopes are all over the place. They're calling me to come clean them up.
Employee #2: They're calling you? What are they saying?
Employee #1: "Come clean me up. I'm strewn about the table."
Employee #2: ...Because evelopes have such a good vocabulary.
Employee #1: Of course they do. That's why they don't stay sealed. They've got a lot to say.
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
10AM RFP Due
Director: Thanks for all your help on that project.
Peon: No problem...It's not like I had a choice.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Receptionist: How do you spell "Thursday"?
Co-worker: Look at your calendar, genius.
3110 Camino Del Rio South
San Diego, California
10AM Arrange Car for Mr. Wonder
Publicist: It was amazing. Stevie could do everything. He could leave his apartment, go to the elevator, everything.
Proofer: Wow. He didn't even need a cane?
Publicist: Of course not; he's not that old.
1438 North Gower Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: She is just the sweetest dog...except she likes to bite kids in the face.
625 Cherry Street
Columbia, Missouri
11AM Talk in Conference Room
Receptionist: What did you think of that visiting speaker? He was kinda cute!
Engineer: What a dork!
Receptionist: So he was a dork by dork standards? Wow!
ASU Engineering Center
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Annual Review
Employee: I think I've done pretty well, considering when I came here I didn't know anything.
31 Park of Commerce Way
Savannah, Georgia
10AM Go Over Resumes
Recruiter: So, what do you think of her qualifications?
Manager: Well, her experience looks great. I'm just not sure what a degree in English has to do with writing?
Naval Air Station North Island
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Teresa Minnich
9AM Back to Work
Analyst #1: We need something to make this tea better.
Analyst #2: Have you tried rum?
10 minutes later.
Analyst #1: Do you have any more rum?
Analyst #3: It's ten in the morning.
225 High Ridge Road
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: QRC
10AM Fill Out Forms
Worker #1: I made copies of these forms and highlighted what areas need to be filled out and why.
Worker #2: Oh, that's nice. I already know how to fill these forms out, but I need a guide.
221 West 21st Street
Lorain, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Manager: Thank you, you are an officer and a gentleman.
1175 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Girl: So Friday's your last day?
Guy: Yeah, I'll be working closer to home. I have an hour long drive to get here from my house.
Girl: Good thing you'll be working closer to home. Traffic will suck your soul.
800 South Douglas Road
Coral Gables, Florida
10AM Tech Support
Tech on phone: Okay, go ahead and type in your password...Yep, just type it in...In the password field...Just type it...With your keyboard...Should be right in front of you... Has letters on it...Great!
3601 SW Murray Boulevard
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: onebadwebmonkey
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
12PM Go Over Forecasts
Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP: Yeah, it's like twice as much.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Congratulations on your engagement and your new job! When is your last day?
Worker #2: Next Wednesday, thanks.
Worker #3: Are you leaving so soon because of that pooper ring on your finger?
Worker #2: "Pooper ring"?
Worker #3: Yes, you know...You had to take it in the pooper to get a ring that big.
1600 21st Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Find New Intern
Secretary #1: That was a funny email you sent earlier; I couldn't
stop cracking up.
Secretary #2: Hey, I just try to make you all laugh.
Intern: For you to make them laugh all they have to do is look at
your face.
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM It's a Bright, Sun-Shiny Day
Boss: Those are pretty. Who are they from?
Secretary: Myself. Sorry men send flowers. I don't need any sorry men in my life.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
5PM That's a Wrap
Associate #1: Well, you look nice today.
Associate #2: Stop being mean to me!
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJ Feuerman
2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch
HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
3PM Shannon's Goodbye Party
Admin: We're going to miss you around here.
Employee: Well, I'd like to say that I'll miss being around here, but that would be untrue, so I'm not going to say it.
6111 Oak Tree Boulevard
Independence, Ohio
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You like nice today.
Co-worker #2: No I don't, I look like a big slut! Can't you see my cleavage falling out of this shirt?
Co-worker #1: Oh, I didn't notice.
240 Princeton Avenue
Hamilton, New Jersey
10AM Sales Reports Due
Co-worker #1: ...I think you have a future in fertilizer sales, man.
Co-worker #2: I wouldn't be surprised.
20 Park Plaza
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Finally, Some Downtime
Employee #1 is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
Employee #2: You look handsome today.
The toilet flushes and out comes the firm's president.
President: Do you two want to be alone?
352 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Order Books
Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!
1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Miller
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: We're like The A-Team.
Co-worker #2: I get to be BA Baracus since I'm the only black one.
1634 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: Back in the 90s I wanted to be in a Salt 'n Pepa video. I was in shape back then. You could bounce a quarter off my ass.
Manager #2: Was that a quarter or a quarter pounder with cheese?
4235 South Stream Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sanman
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Okay, that's it.
Co-worker #2: What? Tell me that song doesn't make you want to laugh.
Co-worker #1: It makes me want to shoot someone, then laugh.
270 South Flower Street
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Eric Johnson
9AM Check with HR re: Installing Cages
Co-worker #1: God! I hate it when those two have to work together! It's so painful. It's like watching a monkey and a dolphin try to build a house.
Co-worker #2: I think you underestimate the communication skills of wildlife.
150 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Meeting
Chair: The beauty of this meeting is that we don't need to make any decisions.
2000 Navy Pentagon
Washington, DC
11AM Schedule Events
Musician on speaker: We are super-psyched, yo. It is huge for us.
Producer: You need to do this show, if you do this show you are going to blow up. Blow up like shit!
441 East 12th Street
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
Admin: Hey, Simon Wiesenthal died! Who's he?
Suit: Oh, he hunted Nazis or something. Cool!
Admin: Cool that he died?
Suit: Cool that he's in my dead pool!
1600 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: C. O'ntracter
9AM First Thing Monday Morning?
Co-worker: I love my boss; she's the stick I use to hit other people with.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Get Ready to Go Home
Executive: You know it's been a productive day when you smell as bad as I do right now.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM The Janitor Was Giving Haircuts
Co-worker #1: Do you know what my office smelled like this morning when I came in?
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: Play-Doh.
Co-worker #2: Ugh, gross.
Co-worker #1: No, I liked it, actually.
111 E. Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
7AM Seems They Installed the Office Catapult
Bos: So, do you lift weights?
New guy: Uh, yeah, sometimes.
Boss: Because man, I'd hate to run into your chest at 40 miles an hour!
Co-worker: Why would that ever happen?
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
7AM Hell Hath No Fury Like a Reporter Spurned
Reporter: We can't give Gary an award.
Copy editor: Why not? You know, if it's the best story and he was here during that month...
Reporter: What, we're going to give him a posthumous award?
Copy editor: You know, Gary's not dead.
Reporter: He is to me!
189 W. Main Street
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
12AM Here I Thought Retrosexual Meant Bettie Page
Engineer #1: ASCII porn?
Engineer #2: Yeah, it's sweet.
1 Federal Street
Camden, New Jersey
1PM A Drunk Dog Would Have Served the Same Purpose
Boss: You know, I'm really glad we hired you. You're a good sounding board for all this stuff I take in front of clients, because you don't know anything. So you probably know as much as they do. So whatever confuses you will probably confuse them.
Associate: Uh...
Boss: Exactly.
430 W. 14th Street
New York, NY
12AM You Just Shouted It Across the WWW
Worker: Why do professional people talk so loud in an office environment? You know what I love? "Kitty-cats!" shouted down three offices.
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
8PM A Sharpie for the None Too Sharp
Suit: Do you have what I call a "sharpie"?
Secretary: ...what you call a sharpie?
Suit: Yes.
Secretary: ...you and no one else?
Suit: It's like a, a felt-tipped pen.
Secretary: Oh, I know what it is.
Suit: Well, most people don't know what it's called.
Secretary: You're kidding, right? It says it right on the pen.
Suit: Well, do you have one?
Secretary: Yes. Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call my "drawer".
795 Spring Street
San Francisco, California
12AM Earth: Nice Place to Visit
Boss: Well, what can I say? I love my home planet.
1480 64th Street
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
6AM Dude, Go for the Implants
Income auditor guy: I want to buy my fiance a gift like make-up.
Income auditor gal: Cool, how much you set for it?
Income auditor guy: 30 Egyptian pounds.
Income auditor gal: You could buy a blusher with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well then, how about cheap make-up?
Income auditor gal: You can't buy anything with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well how much do you think I need?
Income auditor gal: About 500 EGP to buy her one of those cute boxes that's full of make-up and perfumes.
Income auditor guy: With 500 EGP, I could send her to a plastic surgeon and get change.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
6AM Everything's Upside Down in Oz
Co-worker 1: ...they're always very nice people, though.
Co-worker 2: Who are?
Co-worker 1: Gay people. Very good linedancers.
Civic Drive
Greensborough, Melbourne
Australia
4PM One Man's Cubicle Cell is Another Man's Throne
Coworker: I am so not type A. No ambition! Woo hoo!
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
8AM Though I Did Not Look, Still I Could See
Boss on phone: I couldn't find anything wrong with it, they did a great job. I mean, to be honest, I never looked at it, but I'm sure they did a great job. It looks good.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
12PM I Call Mine "Python"
Boss: What should we call it? Try thinking animal names.
Employee #1: What about "Kumquat"?
Employee #2: A kumquat isn't an animal.
Boss: I like your thinking though.
45 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
12AM Interviewing Porn Stars is Always Complicated
Editor #1: He said he had a big one.
Editor #2: Big what?
Editor #1: Brain!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
12AM It's More Nice When You Take 'Em Off
Businessman: You know, it's so nice when you have nice pants. You want to go out of your way to do things.
512 7th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM "You mean this 'phone' device allows me to speak to other places?"
Guy: That person I just talked to was so nice. He sounded so relaxed, and people from New York never sound like that.
Woman: He's in Miami.
228 East 45th Street
New York, NY
12AM Not Even If It Ends Up Here?
NYU Professor: Being a visiting professor has its good points: I don't give a shit what I say!
19 University Place
New York, NY
1AM The Market Value Stinks
Utilities engineer: I have gas, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
618 E. South St.
Orlando, Florida
12AM Etiquette: The Understood Key to Working Together
Male Co-worker: Are my ears bleeding?
Female Co-worker: I didn't know I was that loud. I'm sorry. I had the volume down.
Male Co-worker: It's just your voice, you're loud. I have excellent hearing. Put it this way, I can hear a snake piss on cotton.
5 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Tamika J.
12AM Lunch: One of the Three Most Important Meals of the Afternoon
American Coworker: Lets do Chinese!
Native Chinese Coworker: I know good p[l]ace!
American Coworker: Real Chinese food from real Chinese cooks?
Native Chinese Coworker: No, cooks all Puerto Rican.
11804 Cherry Grove Drive
Gaithersburg, Maryland
11AM "Oh, so she is that qualified!"
Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven't interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn't have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don't feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.
1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California
